4 Mind-Blowing Ways to Strengthen Your Relationship (All Backed by Science!)

0:00My wife and I just celebrated our 19 year wedding anniversary and 22 years together.

0:05Shawn Stevenson:And it got me thinking about the science going on behind the scenes on why we still like each other. Why do we keep wanting to do this? Why do we have such a healthy and thriving relationship? Because as you know, relationships can be incredibly complex, dysfunctional, but they can also be powerful and loving and supportive and add to our longevity in ways that nothing else can. And so I put together four mind-blowing, science-backed ways to strengthen your relationship. And I dug around in our relationship to find out some of these things that we were doing, often unconsciously, that many other successful couples are doing as well.

0:50Shawn Stevenson:And I think that these are going to be incredibly helpful, but they're also going to be fascinating. Number one to kick things off is based on an intriguing study that was titled, Let's Stay Home and Watch TV, The Benefits of Shared Media Use for Close Relationships that was published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. The study found that couples who share media consumption, like watching specific shows together, had higher levels of closeness, relationship satisfaction, and commitment. And this was seen, and this is very important, this was seen especially among couples who didn't share many mutual friends.

1:32So number one on our list is to experience imaginary worlds together. Now there's a reason why we bond over movies and television shows. According to the scientists, it's because when we watch a show or movie with someone that we're close to, it helps to build something called a shared identity. When you're building a relationship with someone, having shared experiences and shared social connections enhances the quality and strength of the relationship. Amazingly, shared experiences of relationships with characters on television deepen that bond as well. Whether it's a shared love or hope for a character or a shared, I can't stand them for a character.

2:19It helps to deepen that shared identity as you're experiencing it together. Let's take having a favorite show that you watch together and it tends to go through these stages. At first, we both love this show. Then it evolves to Wednesday night is our night to watch this show.

2:40Shawn Stevenson:And eventually it becomes, don't watch that show without me. By engaging in this experience over time, couples accumulate an entire ecosystem of shared references, routines, language, inside jokes, memories, characters, whose lives that you build together and understand within your minds and as your shared identity, opinions, expectations, all of these things start to accumulate again, creating an ecosystem that you share together. It becomes a part of us. This realization hit different for me when I thought about the fact that we have so much shared language from movies that we watched together 20 years ago.

3:28Shawn Stevenson:In the beginnings of our relationship, they are still a frequent part of the culture in our relationship, in our household. For example, something that we say on a regular basis, for whatever reason, we find inappropriate ways to say this, but it was from a movie called Billy Madison, one of Adam Sandler's first movies. And there's a scene in the movie, because Adam Sandler's just a kid who just won't grow up, where his father is telling him, hey, I've got some big news. And there's a villain who works for his father, the villain of the story, Eric. and Billy Madison played by Adam Sandler. His dad says, I've got big news.

4:12Shawn Stevenson:And Billy says, and goes over to Eric, goes right to his belly. Oh, Eric must be pregnant. It's going to be a soccer player. He's rubbing his belly. I can feel the kicks. He's going to be a soccer player. Yes, he is. Yes, he is. So in our relationship, frequently we'll say he's going to be a soccer player. All kinds of different situations, different contexts. I don't know why, but it just stuck. It's a shared memory. And we go right back to that moment, watching that movie at my apartment in Ferguson, Missouri, no matter where we are in the world. And the same thing with Happy Gilmore. We had an Adam Sandler era that I introduced her to.

4:55Shawn Stevenson:It was a big part of my growing up. So I introduced her, I put on game, Happy Gilmore. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. you know, this hockey player turning to golf. And there are so many more examples like this in our relationship. You know, one of the early things that we did was watch the Lord of the Rings movies together. And we've brought language from watching those films into our relationship that again, is still part of our lives on a regular basis. You know, especially Smeagol, you know, AKA Gollum. It's a big part of our relationship. We'll say this on a regular basis. Gives it to us.

5:33Shawn Stevenson:My precious. She doesn't say it like me, of course, which would be mad creepy. But, you know, gives it to us. My precious. My preciouses. We'll just say my precious here and there. And it's a part of our relationship. So this is something that we experience oftentimes, but we don't realize what's going on behind the scenes. And it's all rooted in our shared identity. Now, there's another study that I want you to know about. This was cited in the journal Personal Relationships, and it was titled, The Role of Shared TV Watching in Couples' Daily Shared Reality. The researchers examined the construct of this shared reality and pointing to it's essentially the feeling that we're not merely experiencing the same thing.

6:19We're experiencing it in a similar way. And this is very important when examining this phenomenon. Two people can sit beside each other watching the same television and have two completely separate psychological experiences. A shared reality, on the other hand, means something more similar to you saw what I saw. You felt what I felt. You get why this is hilarious or you get why this is tragic. We interpret that character the same way. Now, this fits a much larger psychological literature showing that humans have a fundamental motivation to establish commonality in our inner states. Our feelings, our beliefs, our interpretations, our concerns, we're driven to share these things with other people.

7:16Shawn Stevenson:Now, this underlying sentiment is incredibly valuable, and this is what I want you to take away from this being number one on this list. Intimacy isn't only knowing your partner. It's knowing the world together. Now, what are some tips for us to utilize here? Well, the advice is not simply to watch TV together. It's not about that per se. The bigger takeaway is much more powerful. Strong relationships don't just share a home. They gradually create a world that belongs to the two of you. And so this could be a television series, novels, trips, hobbies, rituals, running jokes, favorite restaurants, games, playlists.

8:05The list goes on and on, but these can all become another little piece of us. Your relationship, what builds and creates the phenomenon of us. So the questions to utilize here are, what are those shared worlds for you

8:27Shawn Stevenson:and your partner? What are those things? Are they certain hobbies? Are they certain shows that you watch together or novels that you might read together? Again, this can be a whole host of things. So what are those things for you right now? And what are some things that you might aspire to collect. So this can be maybe make a list of shows or movies that you want to watch together. I have a list that I created, like some family movie lists and also lists for just the two of us. Maybe it's a list of novels that you would love to read together. Make that list. Maybe it's a list of restaurants that you want to visit together.

9:05And this actually leads us to number two on this list of four mind-blowing science-backed ways to strengthen your relationship. Number two is to eat together on a regular basis. A wonderful study titled Two Forks, One Meal. Health implications of shared food systems in couples was just published in the journal appetite this year. The study included 12 ,686 participants with data available from 5 ,276 romantic couples. The researchers specifically measured how frequently people ate meals with their romantic partners. This is juicy stuff. The researchers discovered that more frequent shared meals were associated with higher relationship satisfaction, higher life satisfaction, fewer depressive symptoms, better overall subjective health, and greater similarities between partners' eating habits.

10:15Naturally, you're going to influence one another.

10:18Shawn Stevenson:The researchers found that the average amount of times that couples were found to eat together to share meals on a regular basis was about 10 shared meals per week. Now, what I'm about to say is incredibly important. Eating together may be one of the primary ways that humans do relationship. This might be one of the, if not the top tier thing that humans have done for thousands upon thousands of years to actually create the construct of a relationship. Now there's a very beautiful sociological concept that's called commensality. Commensality is the practice of eating and drinking together at the same table or sharing food within a social group.

11:13Now a study from scientists at Cornell University followed couples as they transitioned into marriage. The The researchers conducted in-depth interviews around the time of marriage and again approximately a year later. And they observed something fascinating. As people married, their spouse increasingly became their primary commensal unit. The researchers concluded that commensality was an important component of the way people do marriage. Meals might be separate with work and life, but having those frequent touch points, maybe breakfast or dinner together, becomes a ritualized behavior communicating of all the people on earth to eat with, you're the person I regularly turn to.

12:02You're the person that I would want to do this with more than anybody. Now, on the other side of the equation with this phenomenon, the research is revealing that people are actually eating alone more often than ever before. A peer-reviewed study cited in Nutrition Journal in 2018 found that people who eat alone tend to have poorer diet quality and lower intake of essential nutrients than people who more frequently eat with others. We know that there are some negative side effects attached to eating in isolation more frequently. Not to say that you can't eat by yourself. All right. But are we doing that today?

12:45Most of the time if we're eating by ourselves,

12:47Shawn Stevenson:we're not sitting on a park bench watching the birds and looking at the beautiful environment. We're generally watching in front of a screen and mindlessly throwing food down into our pipes. All right. So our eating experience has transformed into something that we've never seen before in human history and the ramifications are not looking good. But one of the ways to counterbalance this is intentionally having that time to eat together with the people that you care about. Do we know that it makes a positive impact? Well, yeah, I got you right here. A new study, a new study affirming the benefits have just been published this year in scientific reports.

13:36The title of the study is Sharing Meals is Associated with Greater Well-Being. And it used the data from 142 countries and territories around the world. Huge data set. The researchers found that across almost every world region, sharing meals more frequently was significantly associated with greater well-being, including specifically more overall subjective happiness, less stress, less sadness, less physical pain on the day that they shared a meal together. Now, by the way, this new study is not just isolated and focused on couples eating

14:23Shawn Stevenson:together. This can be a family construct as well. But I wanted you to know this information because we have mountains of it at this point, affirming the benefits of eating together with the people that we care about. But again, we have data specifically looking at couples and it's so powerful. And the question is, are we taking advantage of this? So what are some tips here to make sure that we're getting these benefits in our lives? Well, especially today, we've got so much going on. I often say that if you don't schedule it, it's not real. We have so much on our schedule that if we're going band for band, bar for bar, item for item, are less valuable to us than our relationships, and yet they're on our calendar.

15:12Shawn Stevenson:And so giving our relationship the proper respect, the proper due, and putting it on our calendar to have that date night together, have that family meal together on specific days, but making sure that you also have those times when you can get in that one-on-one for sure. It's a game changer. I can look back directly at the times when the date nights were few and in between of more conflict in our relationship. And it's just like, I don't feel like it's a problem. I think everything's cool, but you just see like a fire brewing over time. And it actually got to the point where my kids would be like, dad when's the last time you guys went on a date night if they see that mom is being a little chippy I'm like oh you know what you're right thank you my accountability partners who I made right and so keeping that in mind if you don't schedule it it's not real I'm a big fan of putting our date nights on the calendar and for us right now they're bi-weekly and then their family specific, you know, weekends that are the other weeks.

16:27Shawn Stevenson:So we have those bi-weekly as well. So having a little bit more intention, it doesn't always go according to plan, but it's essential, especially today to have that one-on-one time. And I, I'm a massive fan of making sure that that one-on-one time includes sitting down and having a meal together. And there's pretty incredible ways to slide in some other opportunities as well. Pun intended, damn, but especially back to school time, right? This is a great opportunity. Drop the kids off. You guys go have breakfast together or maybe you can meet up for lunch. There's so many other creative ways, but it's just making it a priority because it does pay off big dividends overall over time, according to the data.

17:13And funny enough, while we were sitting down

17:17Shawn Stevenson:and having our anniversary meal together, that, you know, 19 years, I've scheduled what we've done 17 of those 19. So once we got to 19, and I've done a lot this past year, I was like, hey, please take the wheel on this one. You can, whatever you want to do, I'm in. And the reason that I've scheduled the stuff, it's not that, You know, my wife is just there for the ride. Pun intended. Damn. But she knows that I like I don't like surprises. I like to know what I'm doing. You know, I tend to have this more kind of routine mind. Maybe it's a little control. OK, I'll say it. I'll say it. And so this time, hey, whatever you want to do, we'll do.

18:06Shawn Stevenson:So she booked this incredible spa experience with a massage, sauna. It had like a tropical mist area, you know, had the chlorophyll water. All this really cool stuff. And then right by there was this amazing French restaurant. I've never been to a French restaurant. Only French I know is like Wimby and Gobert. That's it. That's all I know. and I had a French baguette for the first time and I get it. I get it. It's different. It doesn't even compare. But while we were having that anniversary meal together, it sparked number three here on this list of four mind-blowing ways to strengthen your relationship all backed by signs.

18:54Shawn Stevenson:And number three is to create a relationship highlight reel. After we ate and we had some extra time in between our next part of our anniversary experience, which she booked some tickets for the Hollywood improv comedy show, all right, on top of everything. But in between that, she pulled out her phone and she used AI, all right. She checked in with chat and asked, what are some ideas? Like what are some things for us to do in this 19 year celebration? And one of the suggestions was to share each of us individually, what our top five moments from our 19 years together would be. What are my top five moments in our marriage?

19:51Shawn Stevenson:and so wow just starting to go down memory lane and to tag these different things there's so many so many it felt so good I was just overcome with amazing emotion and feeling and just joy and gratitude and you know just to be able to share those things and to listen to what hers were you know and also just to be like you know oh that one too because you know it might be something totally different than I wasn't thinking. It was just such a cool experience. I was so grateful. And then she added on a question that she thought of herself, which I'll share some catalyst questions or prompts for you at the end of this particular section.

20:30But I want to share the data with you first, because little did I know, this is based on some incredible, mind-blowing science that I just really never thought about. Again, we do these things, but we don't think about the mechanisms happening behind the scenes. In a fascinating study that was published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, examined the effects of romantic nostalgia in a series of studies that included 638 people. The scientists found that romantic nostalgia is positively associated with greater relationship commitment, satisfaction, and closeness. There's actually a surprisingly compelling body of research around this phenomenon.

21:20Researchers sometimes call it, again, romantic nostalgia, relationship nostalgia, or the reminiscing of relationship-defining moments. The evidence suggests that remembering meaningful experiences that you share with your partner can reinforce feelings of closeness, commitment, intimacy, and relationship satisfaction. The bottom line is that romantic nostalgia, creating these highlight reels of your relationship, have some remarkable benefits when it comes to strengthening your bond. So the bottom line is this.

22:00Shawn Stevenson:it isn't simply that happy couples have more happy memories. It may also work in the other direction. Remembering the experiences that created your bond can actually help to reinforce the bond itself. So what are some tips here? Well, I want to give a little caveat because nostalgia itself, nostalgia is defined as sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past. And so reminiscing can be in some instances, bittersweet based on your perspective. So this exercise is not to drive you to wish that you could quote, go back, is to drive you to appreciate what you've been through together and value having that person with you along the journey right now.

22:54Shawn Stevenson:And so keeping that perspective in mind, here are some prompts, some questions. Again, these include the one that my wife asked me and some additional ones that I have for you. Top five moments. Talk with your partner over, preferably over a meal together. What are the top five moments from your relationship? For us, It was, what are the top five moments from our 19 years of marriage? The other one that she shared with me, what are the top three things that you love about me? Oh, that was so good. I had a great time telling her the ways that I love her. And I was very interested to hear the things why she loved me.

23:46Shawn Stevenson:Also, here's some other ones. What are the top three things that we've accomplished together? What are your three favorite trips that you've taken together or taken with the family? There's so many different prompts that you can utilize here, but this can help to create those relationship, highlight reels, again, helping to strengthen that bond. And it just really starts to, as you can see, all of these things we've covered so far, they start to feed into each other and creating this very positive feedback loop, especially when we become conscious of them. Now, this leads us to number four and the final one of our four mind-blowing ways to strengthen your relationship, all backed by science.

24:32And number four is to exercise together. A remarkable study published in the Journal of Sports Medicine and Physical Fitness tracked the exercise habits of people who worked out with their spouse compared to people who worked out without their spouse. Over the course of the one-year study, the researchers shockingly found that people who worked out without their spouse dropped out of their exercise plan 43 % of the time, while people who worked out with their spouse dropped out only 6 % of the time. In other words, people who worked out with their partner in this study were six times oftentimes more likely to stick with it.

25:24That's incredible. Like where else can you get that kind of consistency? We just oftentimes are not aware of its potential. Now, by the way, this is not to

25:37Shawn Stevenson:say because there's a ton of people who work out consistently without their partner. This is not to say that everybody working out with their partner that it's going to end up being successful. but based on the data that we have, it tends to be significantly more consistent when people are choosing to work out with their partner. So again, what this study is indicating is that there might be a substantial advantage for people who find it difficult to be consistent, to lean into the social support of working out with their loved one. But I want to make a little sidebar here because this is not merely relegated to our significant other.

26:17Shawn Stevenson:Having that support and that social dynamic is incredible across the board. An incredible systematic review conducted by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services revealed something shocking that most people have no idea about. Based on multiple studies, the researchers discovered that social support doesn't just help people to be more consistent with exercise. It increases the amount of physical activity people do by almost 50%. It's like, again, there's nothing else like it. And we oftentimes just don't realize the power of having that social connection in our exercise habits. And by the way, this doesn't mean that you guys got to hit the gym together.

27:06there's so many different ways to utilize this physical activity component in our relationships this could be simply walking together and that in and of itself can be a game changer according to a study published in the journal plus medicine walking for just 11 minutes a day is enough to extend your lifespan by two years you get two more years together i want them i want every year i can with my girl.