190: 5 Things I Wish I Knew Before Becoming A Dad

23:14Nick Bare:you become a dad and you have kids you experience role overload your role at home changes literally overnight and you're trying to figure out how to balance work and home responsibilities, you're experiencing emotional dependency, managing everyone else's needs, being a servant, sacrificing your time, it can drain your reserves. And when you've been so used to unknowingly saving and reserving time for yourself, when needed and that goes away, it's tough to manage and navigate. When you experience competing values, you're pulled in all these different directions that you value so purely and intently, but your time becomes divided and you don't know how to balance all that.

24:23Nick Bare:You have career, you have parenting, you have marriage, you have your health, you have your fitness.

24:30Nick Bare:Becoming a dad, having kids was a huge life transition for me. It was probably the biggest life transition I've ever experienced.

24:42And I don't think I navigated it properly,

24:48Nick Bare:but I had to go through those feelings that experience firsthand, someone couldn't have given me enough information or guidance or advice to prepare me for what I was going to experience. I had to experience it for myself and I felt all of the feelings. And then I had to step up and realize this is life, I'm going to learn from this, adapt, and get better. I'm going to learn how to do this.

25:35Nick Bare:Professional and personal ambitions still matter, but it has to look different. It's going to look different. If it matters to you, you will make time. After becoming a dad, time became my most prized and valued personal possession to honor, manage, and respect. I had to honor, manage, and respect time.

26:08That is why my alarm clock goes off every morning at or before 5 a.m. when that alarm clock goes off there's not a a second or a thought that occupies my mind

26:27Nick Bare:that says you're not going to get up today because I know that when that alarm clock goes off I have a specific amount of time before my children wake up my wife wakes up the day begins and the family needs me to be there for them. So when the alarm clock goes off at or before 5 a.m., I'm up and I go through my systems, my routines, so I can get my run in. I can eat my breakfast. I can have some time to catch up on emails or do some late reading before I hear my daughter's door start to crack open or I hear Nico make a peep in the monitor and I go and get him ready for the day, for the morning, you can still be professionally and personally ambitious, but it's going to look different because it still matters.

27:35And if it matters to you, you will and should make the time. Here's a hard take. and I'm sure many people will disagree with me here because my opinion on this has evolved over the years. That hard take is that your hobbies take a backseat. Again, it's a hard take. now health and fitness I don't consider those hobbies for anyone but in my case it's also my work it's part of my work it's training it's creating content it's documenting it's educating it's helping people become better versions of themselves through health, fitness and performance but making time for yourself to prep your meals, making time for yourself to go for a run, making time for yourself to get to the gym, move your body, sweat, eat healthy, cook a good dinner.

28:52Those aren't hobbies.

28:57Those are not hobbies. those are the necessities, the requirements to lead yourself and lead your family to be healthier, to live a healthier lifestyle, to show up as in this case, the father that you want and intend to be.

29:20Nick Bare:You have to lead yourself first so then you can lead others. You can't lead others if you don't lead yourself and hold yourself to a standard and then execute on that standard. I've gone back and forth on this one over the years, but balance doesn't exist. You're never going to get the balance perfect between work and personal and professional ambition and being home and present for your family. It's a rhythm that you're building and navigating, but there's not a perfect balance. And while balance doesn't exist, prioritization does. That is how I approach my day. I list in priority, not always physically writing things down, but in my head, I have a list of priorities of what am I focused on today?

30:16Nick Bare:Where does my family need me? Where does my work need me? What are the priorities? And this is the reason that I've just eliminated the thought of hobbies. I don't want to even put a hobby on that list of priorities because if I'm not working in this phase of life, if I'm not working in building, then I'm spending time with my family. I am home with my kids, with my wife. Even if we're not doing anything, I just want to be home. surrounded by them, watching, listening, being there as needed. I travel as little as possible. I don't go to any or minimal work dinners. I love being home for family dinner every night of the week.

31:21I love being home on the weekends. I love that.

31:26Nick Bare:That's where I want to be. I want my kids to grow up and be older and look back and say, dad was home every night. He worked really hard, but he was home every night cooking in the kitchen. And we sat down at the dinner table every night for dinner. Dad was home every weekend. Every Saturday morning after his run, we went to the farmer's market and he got sourdough bread and meat and eggs and all of the things. Every Sunday, mom and dad packed us up in the car, drove us to church. And we went and got lunch and coffee afterwards before coming home and swimming all day and hanging out, having dinner Sunday evening, family dinner with friends over, friends and family.

32:18Nick Bare:Those are the things that I want my kids to experience and reflect back on as they get older. And that's why I just don't add hobbies onto my list of priorities or things that I even try to fit in.

32:39Not to offend anyone in this because it is all personal preference and opinion. But you're not going to catch me golfing.

32:49Nick Bare:You're not going to catch me going on a hunting trip with the boys. You're not going to catch me trying to make time for these personal hobbies and sometimes what feel like and look like midlife crisis tinkering. For me right now, this is not the season to pick up and pursue a hobby. At least a hobby that I can't do with my family. if there's one hobby I have right now, it is cooking, but I'm doing that with my family. I'm in the kitchen with the kids, with Steph, cooking, preparing a meal that we're going to sit down and enjoy together.

33:44But hobbies take a backseat

33:47Nick Bare:so you can truly prioritize the things that matter. And to me, that is being professionally and personally ambitious and spending as much time with my family, my kids as possible.

34:04Parenting is not a hobby. It's a full-time responsibility. The Intentional Father, page 32.

34:19this is the five kinds of fathers

34:28this is chapter two

34:32Nick Bare:so it says being a father is one of the most sacred responsibilities a man can have The current crisis among fathers threatens to destroy this generation. Stepping up and becoming intentional fathers will confront this brokenness and leave a powerful legacy in the lives of our sons. There's five types of fathers. The type of father we wanna be is the intentional father. There is the irresponsible father, one who has literally zero involvement with his kids, someone who completely bails on them to the point that they don't even know who he is. This father takes no responsibility, provides no child support and contributes no meaningful support into the lives of his children.

35:25Nick Bare:The worst of fathers. Then there is the ignorant father. This type of father has no idea what he's doing and continually wreaks havoc in the lives of his children without even realizing it. He doesn't know anything about being a father and he doesn't try to learn or improve. Because of all of this, he ends up projecting his own brokenness into the lives of his children. There is the inconsistent father who is torn by personal ambition. He has the capability of doing better at this fathering thing, but instead he prioritizes his own job, career, and hobbies. These binges of selfishness are often followed by guilt and feeble attempts to fix everything, but there's no stable sense of security or identity passed down to his children.

36:22Nick Bare:There is the involved father. This type of dad shows up at sporting events and takes the time to put porn filters on his kids' devices. He gets a lot of things right. But because of the business of life and the failure to ask the right questions, he never seeks to understand specifically who his children are and why God gave them to him. You see, this is a noble dad, but one haunted by the sense that there is something more, another layer or level in his parenting.

36:58Nick Bare:Then there is the intentional father. The intentional father is deeply invested in discovering who his children are and how he can help them reach their redemptive potential. He seeks to understand the children God has given him and wants to inform or excuse me, wants to form them into young persons who can fulfill their purpose. He sees parenting as central to his call before God and does it with all of his might. we want to be the intentional father.

37:39Here's another quote in the beginning of this chapter by T.

37:44Nick Bare:Real. Boys do not long for fathers who will usher them through the gauntlet of psychological disconnect. They long for fathers who have themselves survived intact. Boys do not ache for their father's masculinity. They ache for their father's hearts. We want to be the intentional father. The next thing I've learned is that leadership by example takes on an entirely new meaning. I think the best leaders

38:30that I have been surrounded by, that I've worked for, that I've learned from, they never had to tell me what to do, how to act, how to serve, how to show up as a man. They never had to tell me, they showed me. They led by example.

38:59Especially men of values.

39:05Their lives are built off of a foundation and that foundation, that house is on a rock, solid. What makes your foundation, what makes your life foundational and solid as opposed to having a house or foundation built on sand is values.

39:35Nick Bare:John Tyson goes on to say that without values, a man is rudderless in a sea of relativity and compromise. Without values, or excuse me, with values, A man can navigate complexity and confusion with confidence and clarity. You need values first. What do you believe in? What is your life rooted in or who is it rooted in? Without values, you are rudderless. you are a boat in a sea that can't steer that has no direction and you're just occupying space you're going wherever the wind may take you as lewis house has once told me a man without a mission is a dangerous dangerous man with values a man can navigate complexity and confusion with confidence and clarity.

40:49Even before I committed my life to following Jesus Christ,

40:56my life, my actions, my purpose, my doing was rooted in values that were foundational.

41:06Nick Bare:But I'll be very honest, once I gave my life to following Jesus Christ and surrendered everything, that belief, being a follower, that foundation, those values, those were strong. I mean, that's a rock solid foundation to build upon. And myself being a believer and follower of Jesus Christ, that relationship is the most meaningful and important for me to lead my family, to be an example, but also to show and teach my children. My hope, my desire is that by being a man of God and living a life of belief and values that my children watch that and my leadership by example is passed on to them and they believe and they follow and they live a life that is built upon the rock, a faith in Jesus Christ.

42:34I've realized that my kids and my wife

42:38Nick Bare:they don't care about my job title they don't care how big my business is they don't care how much money I bring home at the end of every month in the end of every year and I'll be honest like when I realized that it was kind of disappointing when you are the provider of the home

43:03you know you get a lot of

43:07fulfillment and there's a lot of pride behind providing making more money being able to afford nicer things invest that money so you can do more things later on in life and set your family up for success and

43:32Nick Bare:it's a noble feeling but there's also pride that comes alongside that and when you realize that your kids and your wife and your family don't care about that stuff it's kind of disappointing I'll be honest but it's also freeing at the same time that the way that I show up the way that I lead by example it's by

44:01well, I'll share from the intentional father, page 177. I noted this because I thought it was very applicable to what we're talking about now, leadership by example. There's roles that we have to master as a father.

44:24Nick Bare:In order for your son to be good at being a man, he needs to understand and grow in the key rules of manhood. Learning and growing in knowledge, skill, and character in those areas will produce confidence as he moves out into the world. The six rules to master. There is the disciple, the lover, the leader, the warrior, the brother, the wise man.

44:58something that

45:02Nick Bare:I'm not perfect at but I'm constantly trying to get better at and I've been given this advice from so many of my mentors and advisors that I know personally or that I follow from afar and one of the greatest things that I've been told that you can teach your children especially your sons is how to love your wife. Leadership by example. How do your kids watch you embrace your wife and love her?

45:44What Steph and I talk about all the time is that we want our kids as they're older

45:49Nick Bare:to think back to their childhood and be like, my parents were obsessed with each other. They were all over each other, hugging each other, holding hands, kissing, flirting, being playful. And that becomes hard when you're building a career and working all day and you come home and you're tired and it's time to play with the kids and prepare dinner and then start bedtime and bath. and it's really easy for the first thing that goes out the window is affection in front of your children towards your spouse, your significant other. And that's something I'm constantly trying to focus on and not just for my kids to see, but for our marriage.

46:50to keep becoming stronger and healthier and thrive. One of the rules to master, as Tyson says, is the lover. How do you love your spouse in front of your children? That is leadership by example. And the last thing I want to talk about is you can't teach confidence if you don't have confidence yourself.

47:27There are many things that improve or can improve confidence, but there's three Cs that I think about. It's curiosity, courage, and confidence.

47:48curiosity. We are all curious. It is a natural part of being a human being. Can I be successful in this job? Can I start my own business? Can I lose 50 pounds and get healthier. Can I run a marathon? Can I do X, Y, and Z? There is always the thought of, can I do this thing? Will I succeed or will I fail? And it's having the courage to go do the thing. And when you have a curiosity and you explore it through courage and you do the thing, you then become more competent.

48:42Nick Bare:You build skills through experience. Curiosity, courage, and confidence lead to more confidence. I read this book. It's called The Hard Thing About Hard Things by Ben Horowitz, initially in 2020. And I read this book at such an important part of my life where I had to make some really hard business decisions I had to fire some people who were really good friends. And it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. As a young entrepreneur and founder who lacked experience, and especially when it comes to managing, leading, hiring, and firing people, it was, I mean, it kept me up at night for many nights.

49:33So this book, more of a business book,

49:38Nick Bare:but for business owners, founders, entrepreneurs, CEOs, executives, this was such a good book. And I started rereading this again. And it's definitely more business focused. So if that's you, it might interest you. If that's not you, it might not. But page 209, the fine line between fear and courage. I tell my kids, what is the difference between a hero and a coward? What is the difference between being yellow and being brave? There's no difference. Only what you do. They both feel the same. They both fear dying and getting hurt. The man who is yellow refuses to face up to what he's got to face.

50:38The hero is more disciplined

50:40Nick Bare:and he fights those feelings off and he does what he has to do. But they both feel the same, the hero and the coward. People who watch you judge you on what you do, not how you feel. And then the last thought of that section. Over the past 10 years, technology advancements have dramatically lowered the financial bar for starting a new company. But the courage bar for building a great company remains as high it has ever been.

51:22Curiosity, courage, and competence lead to confidence. those are

51:35things that I want to instill and teach my children as a father

51:44take stock, take inventory of what you are curious about and don't just dream about it don't just think about it have the courage to do the thing and then when you do the thing, you build competence, skill through experience. That's my job as a father.

52:15Nick Bare:I have to, I am responsible to help build the confidence in my children through curiosity, courage, and competence.

52:30Jordan Peterson, I heard him talk about this. He's got a lot of great content on parenting and fatherhood. If you're a good father, you're radically encouraging

52:43Nick Bare:and you encourage your children to go out into the world and prevail. You teach them to handle serpents. You don't protect them. You don't shelter them. You push them out and say, no matter what comes your way, kid, I've got confidence that you can handle it. No matter how terrible it is, no matter how challenging or daunting it is, you've got it. And when you see your children doing that and you're a good father, it fills you with gratitude and love to see your children.

53:18You can't teach confidence if you don't have confidence. How do you build confidence? The same way you teach it.

53:32Curiosity, courage, competence.

53:41Curiosity, it's the thought. Courage is the do. Competence is the skill. we as parents we as fathers we as men we need to lead by example as I was previously talking about but we need to have the confidence we got to build the confidence because if we don't have it we can't pass it along

54:07Nick Bare:we can't teach it I want my children to go out in the world and have all the confidence that no matter what comes their way they're going to attack it as a warrior head on. They're going to run it into the ground. That dog in them will come out for both my son and my daughter. I want them to be able to, when there is adversity and hardship and challenge, they don't run away from it. They run towards it and they take it out. They take it down.

54:49so those are some of the things that I have learned

54:54Nick Bare:as a father and I wish that I knew before becoming a dad

55:01because it may have shaped some of what I have done set the expectations of what I was about to endure and experience but also would have shown me

55:16Nick Bare:what I had to focus on and learn for myself to be the leader that my family and children needed me to be in this next chapter of life, the best chapter of life. So I appreciate you guys. Thanks for tuning in. if you're a dad, a father, or soon to be, or aspiring at some point, I see you. I see you working hard and keep working hard. Don't let that foot off the gas. Keep driving, keep working, keep serving your family. Be rooted in values that you authentically believe in. Because you're the rock for your family. And when you are weak, they are weak. When you are strong, they are strong. You can't be strong on your own.

56:20Nick Bare:You need someone, something stronger and greater than you.

56:30Nick Bare:Keep driving. Go one more.