#110: Adam Lamb: The Gift of Being Too Dumb To Quit

0:00Adam Lamb, welcome to the show. Thanks for having me, Chris. You mentioned before that you were too dumb to quit. What does that mean? I think, you know, I didn't have a lot of people in my life to tell me the way I had to do something. And so I had to figure a lot of that stuff out. And I think when you don't know what could go wrong, you know, we even talked about like probably being delusional about what's possible and just saying, I could do that because I didn't have that knowledge in my life of like, here's all this could go wrong. You have to do it this way. And, um, so I just figured out when something doesn't work, I just keep going and trying another way because it only seems possible that it is possible.

0:47Does that make sense? so being dumb is meaning like it's a combination of a lot of things, delusion, you know, having that level of like naivety to what you're about to step into kind of. Yeah, I think, you know, this is a willingness to step into something, even though, you know, it's going to be hard. I think that this world is full of more people that will tell you what you can't do. And I think that stops a lot of people from moving forward and chasing dreams and going after whatever they want to do. And so when, when people are telling you like, oh, you can't do that. Oh, you know, the risk of that, or it's going to be expensive.

1:26And what's if it falls apart? did you know that most businesses fail you know people are just like they start believing that i didn't really have anyone to tell me any different and um i've also been very stubborn so when you tell me i can't do something i'm like watch right and say like i met my wife i was like i'm gonna marry that woman and everybody's like dude you can't marry that woman well we're 18 years in right hey i'm gonna launch a business dude you know how to launch a business well built it sold it and done a done a bunch of other ones right so it's there's a there's that chip on the shoulder i think that yeah um that dumb and probably stubbornness comes together do you think stubborn is a attractive trait i think it can be unattractive there's a stubbornness i think with yourself when it's like stubborn in the sense of i'm not going to quit like i being stubborn for myself but i think when it comes to working together um a marriage any anything like that I think stubborn is a bad thing, right?

2:25I think you have to be willing to compromise or at least be open to hearing everything in a conversation like that. yeah when i look at stubborn i'm thinking personally when we're making decisions based on our future the life we want to live we need to be stubborn and firm with what we're trying to achieve and not be distracted just by other people's fears doubts insecurities and be able to say no to that and go no like we need to do this but i think when there's other parties involved right you need to and you're trying to work as a team then you kind of need to collaborate at some stage so maybe perhaps when it's talking about chasing your dreams and and living the life you've always wanted to marrying the person you've always wanted to marry or having your eyes set on something that you want you need to be stubborn in the pursuit of getting that or else you're just going to get thrown off track people are going to try and pull you in all different ways very very very well said and but when it comes to like working with other people um because that's required right like they're that saying if you want to go fast go alone if you want to go far uh you know go together right and and that's true i truly believe in that but that requires a willingness and it's a maturity right like there's a stubbornness of you know like i recently announced i'm running for like local office right and someone's like how far do you want to go and i'm like i don't know governor i i don't you know but there's a lot of people that say adam i'm like look there people done it why can't i right and so like in my there's a stubborn part of me that's like i'll do whatever i want right i don't care what you think but there's also the the the opposite side of stubbornness knowing i don't know what i don't know right like the older i get the more i realize things i don't know and how collaborating with other people and learning from other people is can be the most valuable thing to do right yeah i did see that you announced that that you running for local township board.

4:24Do you feel like, and we'll definitely dive into your story a bit more, but there's this progression that happens with a lot of people in business where they have different phases of their life where maybe their earlier stages is this hustle culture where it's like, we need to make something of ourself. Then you kind of do that. Then there's family that get involved and then that becomes a bit of a priority. Maybe you find a partner, you have some kids, and now all of a sudden you've got this family piece, connection piece, business piece is ticked, financially you're good. It now goes to that next thing beyond where you go, okay, I want to serve a bit more.

5:01Is that one of the decisions why you've gone for this position? Is it this desire to want to serve or what's the main reason you've tried to get into politics? Yeah, I think there's a part of it that I believe a lot of people in politics are just there to be in politics. And, um, I think when, when we're looking at, you know, specifically like the American people, like the average person, I'm just a regular dude, right? Like I barely graduated high school. I don't have all these things. I didn't, nothing was handed to me. Like I've had to kind of work hard, um, and learn to get where I'm at. And so number one, I believe it's possible for anybody and everybody.

5:41And I want to share that as far as I can go. But the other part of it is serving is really being able to share what you've learned and lead other people down that path, right? So it's like, it can start here locally doing, you know, township board, for example. And, you know, there's just, I have business experience. I've negotiated major contracts. I can communicate and bring parties together and solve some of these things that some people don't have any that experience but they're popular and because they're popular they ran the political play you know it works and so i look at the the landscape of american uh politics and looking around the world and seeing you know you're from australia and seeing like where it can be a slippery slope and wanting to step up to just help protect what i think is so great with this country but also even as it narrows down to just where I live right was there a fear announcing that and kind of putting it out to the world that that's what you're deciding to do for sure more than I thought just the last just a couple days last couple days of experiencing it I was even telling my wife yesterday I was like there's a little level of paranoia I have like people are watching me you know it sounds silly but there is because it's a it's a new thing right if I were going to say am launching a new business tomorrow no sweat right i've started almost a company a year or something like that right so it's easy but then it's like this is a whole new game and there's a little bit of fear a healthy bit of fear of not knowing i'm not an expert at this right but it's like i hired a consultant i got some really cool people around me and going back to that stubborn conversation is like the stubborn version of me in this space dead now there's a version of me that's not going to quit.

7:27I'm going to go the extra mile. Like I'm going to smash the competition because that's just how I roll. But there's the, uh, the humble side of me that's like, dude, I got a lot to learn and I want to receive all that. Yeah. That's interesting. When we think about the stubbornness, tying it back in there is your willingness to be stubborn probably is linked to the level of experience or confidence that you have in the particular thing, probably confidence because there can be people that are stubborn that aren't experienced as well and they might just have a bit of cockiness confidence sort of about them but if we if we just zoom out and look at all of the things in our life that we're more stubborn and it's probably the things that we're more experienced in and so when you're making business decisions because you've got so much experience in business you're probably stubborn when someone comes to you and goes oh you should probably do it the other way depending on their level right and and the level of respect you have for them in business um but perhaps when you're starting out something new you're going oh no i need to learn i'm going to soak it all in like you're experts at this i i kind of value your opinion a bit more yeah and i think you know what you mentioned is correct and there's two places or positions why i believe people are stubborn one is a bit of confidence right i just it's like I know this is the right way right and then there's another part of stubbornness that is fear and I don't want to be exposed so if I stick to my my guns right and that's where a lot of people stay stuck in their life you can look at their entire life like out guy's stubborn because they're unwilling to listen they're unwilling to you know see a different perspective and they just go that route and there's other people that are stubborn and because of their stubborn they stay this great course right so there's it's it's a unique term um and it's motivated by two different things a healthy version of it from confidence right like you mentioned but i think there's an unhealthy version of it that actually stems from fear and insecurity yeah very true it's it's kind of a defense mechanism to not be presented with the with the fear or not be presented with the confrontation i guess and when you think of stubbornness you know tough right like come along with it like there's a toughness to stubborn and without understanding i think vulnerability is actually very tough right but if you haven't been taught that i didn't always think that right when i you know me growing up i i always like had to front right like i just i want to i had all this fear all this insecurity and that showed itself in stubbornness the bad kind it showed itself in toughness right like like look at me i'll fight you right well like how stupid is that right but there's just and probably ignorance would be another word that we'd tie together with some of that stuff but it's like we have to evolve beyond those things yeah well if we think about vulnerability being uh tough it's because you're knowing that you're embarking on something where you could be confronted there's a level of fear that you're overcoming by being vulnerable yeah and so it is kind of tying into this thing that we're talking about how how we can use stubbornness to mask a fear that we're having or to not be confronted with the fear that we have so we'd be stubborn so that we don't even have to explore the option but then when we be vulnerable people might see that as weakness but the reason that's not weakness is because you're actually doing the opposite of running away from the fear you're hitting it face on because you don't know how people are going to receive that vulnerability yeah and and i think i really gravitate to people that are vulnerable because i feel that i can trust them a little bit more more real yeah more real more authentic and that was a decision i made in my life uh probably just a few years ago it's like i'm just gonna be me right it's just easier yeah like this is the version of like my pastor gets my wife gets my kids get you're getting my friends my clients and just less energy and it feels good and there's a part like hey is everybody gonna like me no am i okay with that yeah because i like me right and it's not from an ego or pride it's just like i like who i am and i want everyone to like who they are right if you don't change it right yeah um dry creek duane said on a podcast uh he's like this older guy who lives in texas he's a he's a cowboy and um and he and he was basically saying he was the one line he said he was like i'd buy me a beer i like me i'd buy myself a beer i'd buy me a beer and i just went i just went that's such a good frame if you wouldn't buy yourself a beer like you'd sit there and i mean i don't drink but um but i'd buy me a beer it's kind of going like i like i like me Yeah, look, I'd like to spend some time with you, right?

12:20Yeah. Think about that. Because there's a lot of relationships, engagements, things we have to do by obligation that we don't really, you know, there's people we have to hang out with, spend time with, talk to, we don't really want to. But it's like, would you want to spend time, hang out, talk to yourself, right? Yeah. You brought up just before, you were talking about like beliefs and you were saying people have these beliefs and they're kind of like boxing them in a little bit, basically just referencing like the beliefs that we have are kind of forming everything that we're doing. You made a post and you were talking about how you're living inside of the walls.

13:00You have beliefs, habits, stories, and rules. Yeah. That's an interesting frame. Are you able to recall that and elaborate on that piece? Yeah, and it's really how we live our lives, right? So even I had a client just yesterday. He's like, you know, I have a really good relationship with money. And it went down or someone says something. I was like, okay. And so I asked him a few questions. And immediately he realized he didn't. But he had a story that he was telling himself. And that story was based on a few things in his limited experience. He's a younger guy, younger doctor. He's like 27. And then I exposed that for him.

13:44right like which is why he hired me to see that you don't have a great relationship right here's why and so you get to back it up so when we have these stories that we continue to tell ourselves it could be anything in those stories leave lead like we talk to stubbornness right where i could say i hate swimming well are you good at swimming well i'm not good at swimming so it's actually a fear like yeah there's there's certain things that can can tie into all those things but but it really just it it frames who we are right so if i have a belief that all rich people are bad right that was a belief that i had when i was younger all all rich people are bad so what that what does that do for you in the mindset of becoming wealthy and becoming successful well you've created a wall because that's bad right and so many people have these stories and unless they're having conversations to really unpack them to find out how they might be affecting their life it's even you know we could think of from an intimacy standpoint with like a spouse like where you know my wife could think something was slutty right like just a judgment she's had her entire life but so she might not wear a certain outfit that i might find attractive because she's got a story that that's a slutty outfit or only slut yeah like like it could be something like that right and then there's like these disconnects and we have to stop that the real the real way to break that down is just like is that is that true okay show me how that's true and being able to express it and find out we're like oh man that's something i made up or something that's what my grandma used to tell me and like how is that that's defined my belief system for 40 years right and it's it's wild when you when unpack that yeah it's crazy just getting down to one level why just questioning it once can debunk the belief that you have that there's really very few truths in this world yeah like everything's just interpreted yes like it really is right like if you think about all the things that we believe to be truths but the reality is they're just boxing us in their imaginary ceilings that we're placing in our life even just like the dress or whatever yeah it being slutty who said that right like someone in in high school said don't wear this and then you just carried that thing that is a consideration that you just have to keep replaying in your mind when you're getting changed every single time you go out you're considering you're shopping you're considering what you might want to wear and just but people don't even have this conversation so when people start thinking through this like why do i believe that why do i think that what like it's our question all of a sudden you just start what you're doing is you're just you're rattling this frame and eventually that frame can break and a new frame can be created right yeah how does this how's this progress in your life because you mentioned just before that you you had a belief that all wealthy people are bad right did you not grow up with any money or or how has this belief changed for you and why was it like that back in the day yeah i mean i grew up like i knew struggle and you know I had a single mom, dad bailed when I was like seven years old.

16:55And my mom was a, you know, secretary, administrative assistant. So we didn't have much money. Lived with my grandparents, you know, like just had just a different situation. But I also lived in an area where there was wealthy people, right? So it's like, I mean, like the CEO of Chrysler or whatever, like, you know, lived like by me. So it's like there's different things. And then there's a part of being teased, right? I'll never forget wanting to play football at like third grade and some girls like, hey, it's a hundred dollars. Your family can't afford it. And I was like, I didn't even ask my mom if I could play football because I just figured I couldn't do it.

17:35Right. And so it's like, I think of those kinds of things, which like my kids will never know that, you know, or being at a grocery store and they won't accept the check because the last one bounced. and leaving food there and leaving, like, those are things. Now, I look back at it, I'm grateful because it lit a fire. And I will never experience that. And I will never let my family do it. And hopefully for generations, right? But so I had these different stories, different frames, even with Christianity, right? Like I'm a Christian today, but I've only been for the last, you know, eight years.

18:14Spent my whole life thinking Christians were just a bunch of liars, fake because some of the exposure I had younger when I met Christians, like they weren't that good, they weren't that great. Like I'm like, they didn't, you know, they're like hypocrites, right? Which is, and so there's a lot of these frames that some of us have that just frame who we are for so long and we have to stop and just say like, is this serving me? Is this true? Have I actually explored the opposite of what I think today? Because man, it'd be nice to have money. And then what happened is, and even same thing, I'm more on the conservative side politically, but I grew up more on the liberal side, right?

18:52My family, that's how my family was. I didn't know any better, right? And then I got into working, and the people that poured into me were conservative people. People that poured into me were people with money. The people that believed in me made a way. The people that didn't, the broke people and the liberal people, no, they kept telling me that I couldn't do anything, right? the people who were money had money and successful to conserve people and i was like wait a minute i was lied to that is those people are not that way right but if i chose to continue to believe it i would have stayed who knows where i'd be cooking in a kitchen which is not wrong or waiting tables or bartending or you know like i'm not knocking those i did all we need we need those but yeah i mean i did it but but i needed something to make a shift right and so i started experiencing something different than what I was taught and conditioned, which totally changed the trajectory and then made me hungry to find out what else am I wrong about?

19:48And so what did that look like? Where was this turning point? Where was this moment where you started being exposed to a different life and you went, okay, I want that? I think it was seeing, you know, for me, like the one thing I loved about that gave me what I consider like power or confidence was working out, right? So I got into working out young. I was pretty fit. Like, I mean, I could bench press 300 pounds when I was in high school, right? Like, not a lot of people could. I actually had a bench press record. And so like, there was something where I had some, I like had some confidence, right?

20:22Of like, I get compliments, you know? And so I was like, this feels good. And there was also an edge of, you can't buy that, right? You gotta work hard. Like, I don't care how much money you got. you're going to put some work in if you want to have a physique so there's i felt that and i remember working in like the the bar nightclub industry and these guys have come in and spend you know thousands of dollars in bottle service and all this stuff and i'm like what did what do they do like they don't seem more special than me and then you start meeting like they're business owners right it's because there's a part i didn't go to college right so there's a lot of like well i didn't go to college i don't have the four-year degree i can't do this that's you know and so i had these stories of like the cap of how i could make money and those kind of things where it was limited until i started i got into sales and then meeting business owners and some of these other things uh people in that sector and started seeing like real opportunity to make money and those people were different right and so just being exposed being curious but i say that because like a lot of these wealthy guys were like how do you get so fit right and then where i'm like how'd you get rich like how'd you get this house like all these like what's the secret and most of them were just like me i'm like wait a minute you didn't go to college no dude well i just had an idea and i worked hard and i was like i got ideas i can work hard right and you just you just get started right and then fail a ton it's the it's this thing around uh when the pain's not too severe you're not really driven to change and so when we look at the common i've been trying to unpack this too because when you look at the common denominators in all the wealthy people most of them um but not only just wealthy i've kind of gone beyond that over the last couple years and and i really i really don't just take i can't really just look at someone that's just successful in business and take them seriously like they need to be fit and healthy for me like if they've got a wife and a loving relationship like all of these things then i can consider someone like a mentor and someone i can look up to but to be honest like if someone's just made some shekels and you're like fat i don't really i don't really care because i think your priorities are a bit skewed it's like the money's not the thing that's the most significant thing um but when when i look at all the common denominators of these people that have just mastered a lot of areas of their life they weren't already there from the get-go they were actually inner low and i think it's just this um there's this analogy of like a dog laying on a nail and it hurts him but it doesn't hurt him enough to get up so he just stays sitting on the nail and then like it doesn't really do much over one day or two days but then over time it keeps keeps on slowly pricking into him and then it bursts and then it infects him and then he dies all that out of the blue but it's not like a hard hit where it's poked him he's bleeding straight away and so is now he's forced to get up and move.

23:25This is like a lot of people in life, right? They're very comfortable with what they've been doing. And then I think from that, it kind of creates this form of it's not enough pain to get up and change their life, but they don't love the life either, but it's quite a scary unknown and they're not really willing to take that risk. I guess the interesting thing that I'd love to get your thoughts on is you have children and they're living a very different upbringing to how you were brought up we're in this massive home right now um they've got a little bit more of a of a different upbringing more of an abundant upbringing for sure how are you navigating that knowing that how powerful that challenge that you went through has shaped you into who you are today yeah care as careful as possible you know In the sense, I say that because I don't want my kids to turn out to be those entitled, spoon-fed kids.

24:27But I also don't want my kids to deal with the darkness and the toughness of some of the things that I had to deal with. So part of it is just communication, how we communicate. And I'll tell you, your kids are a clear indicator of how you, of how you are as a person too. Right. And so like, that's super important. I'm proud of my kids. They're awesome. They're hardworking. Um, and I think, you know, my son's 17, he'll be a senior in high school and you know, he's like, I brought, I brought him down to Andy's event. So it's like even being in, getting around these kinds of people being in the environments of like, Hey, it's not just dad.

25:09You know, like these guys you see, or, you know, there's guys, social media influencer people that, you know, my son might think's cool. Well, I'm friends with him, right? And he's like, well, wait a minute. So like maybe, well, those, yeah, that guy's calling you dead? And I'm like, yeah, because he wants my opinion on something. And so there's been a cool part of that, of just trying to get that street credit with my kids. Because the goofy part as a parent is like, you're the dumbest person in the world. They'll listen to everyone else before you. And we kind of do it with our own parents. So I have to be able to give them other examples of not just me that kind of back up what I'm saying.

25:42But honestly, the most important thing is leading by example. You can't be a hypocrite and get your children to follow, right? So if I'm not doing what I say I should be doing and I'm not going to the gym, I'm not getting up early, I'm not, they see dad working, right? They get to see the fruit of these things. My son has seen, you know, my wife and I live in a little two-bedroom condo to here, right? he he's seen the evolution my daughter's a little bit younger she only knows living in a house with a swimming pool and they just keep getting bigger like you know my kids you know i never saw a lamborghini till i was like in my 20s and my son's like driven my lamborghini drove my ferrari like you know just a different experience but they know how hard we work to get that stuff right just having those deep conversations and my son this summer started going out power washing power washing trash cans and driveways and like it's awesome i didn't tell him to do it right and i'm like you want some help you want a website you he's just like i got it we're doing it we'll go knock some doors i'm like sweet like i feel like at this point there's a good trajectory for my son but he's gonna have to fail too right we can't run around with these little little little mittens to make sure they're safe and fluffy right i have to make sure that he's gonna fail and hit some roadblocks because that's how you learn right yeah the most common thing that i ask well not not that i ask one of the most profound challenges that all the successful people i speak with are is parenting because most of them didn't come from wealth yeah and so they go how do i how do i parent my kids knowing that i can give them the world and whatever they want but i also know that i give them the world and whatever they want then they're not going to be the kids that uh the people and the and the people that is going to attract the abundance in the in their life that they want and the fulfillment that they they want because i think um the i love the stoicism approaches of like uh the obstacle is the way like the challenge is the is the is the way forward what about the differences in parenting do you change the way you parent based on daughter and son 100 anyone anyone that says they don't yeah for sure it's it's totally different um i'm way tougher on my son yeah but part of it is goes into a greater vision of how i feel a man's role right in the in in the world in the community in the home um as a leader a protector right and so raising raising my son up to understand what that looks like to honor women you know he's he's got a girlfriend he's been with for three years, right?

28:27We love her. She's like the second kid. And even just, you know, him seeing how my wife and I engage, like we don't yell at each other. We don't talk disrespectful to each other because I wouldn't tolerate that. And I definitely don't want to put a son out that would talk to a woman that way, right? I saw a father destroy a mother, my mother, you know, verbally and all these kinds of things. And in that, A, I didn't have a good role model. I didn't know what to do. I had to learn. I had to start watching some of these other good men do it. And then realizing that I learned what I learned today, obviously constant development, right?

29:03We're always getting better. But watching others. So who's the person my son's going to watch the most is me, right? And there's a difference then with my daughter of like teaching her self-respect because look, we look at the society, you know, how women are valued. It's like, who can, you know, look at these only fans type, you know, it's like, I don't want to teach my daughter like oh hey show a bunch of skin and that's how you're going to get attention and be popular like teaching is actually a funny situation happened yesterday my daughter's cheerleading this my um these are the parent moments that make you proud is that this one they're having this competition these girls are trying out for this like all-american cheer thing and one of the girls comes over to the group of girls and she's like oh hey you guys don't have to worry about doing this, this, or this.

29:50And they're like, okay, they're on the same cheer team. So they do the tryout thing. They needed to do that. That girl told them not to do it, to like make them look bad so that she could look better, which is devious. I was, is dad furious? And I'm like, Madeline, what'd you do? And she's like, I forgave her dad. And I'm like, you're awesome. just i would want to punch her in the face right like like there's just a part of that like and just there's and that's the part as a parent is like the outcome of your children is the proof of your parenting right because just because you have money or you have this you know because everybody puts on a good show right but like i want to see what my kids do when i'm not around and you know seeing those kind of things is important and so raising my daughter differently to a little bit more loving.

30:44It's different. It's different. It's a different thing. When I look at it, I've spoke to some people at length about it. It's a very fascinating concept to me. But this concept around women are born with intrinsic value. They have the port of life. Yeah. They're a woman. It's like when they sink ships, we take care of women, we take care of children. Men are just sacrificial now. Yeah, figure it out. And so, you know, when, when I'm growing up, I remember hearing this is, is like this saying that they say to men, they say, go make something of yourself. It's like, well, that implies that you don't already have anything.

31:21And it's an interesting thing where, you know, like, like women can only make five kids or however many kids, right? Like men, we can have as many. It's like, we don't, we're not as important in a sense. so you kind of have to make something of yourself and um it was an interesting i was having a conversation with chat gbt i wish i could pull it up it's weird that i was having a conversation with it but i was i was trying to ask it questions around because because with that said then my thought was okay well we should if the women are born with intrinsic value we need to try to keep them as pure as possible and the the this is my belief and then and then the men we need to put them through challenge and pain to forge the the man that they can become so they can have the value and this was my like lens and chat debunked it and they said and it said no well just because of the gender doesn't mean we have we don't have to go through challenge yeah but what it was really interesting was it was talking about how the challenge for women is internal and the challenge for men is external and what was it was explaining was the challenge for uh for men it's it's this uh this need to perform and meaning like we need to perform and and and build make something from myself and then the challenge for women was the the uh ability to not conform and so with whatever what the way it's everyone's been the basically society's telling you suggesting and showing all of the only fans and all the other different things that um are taking and also like the feminine movement of like like independent you need to be independent and strive towards this and I don't need a man, that culture.

33:13It's all of this messaging and it's the challenge for a woman is to not conform to that and to try and not look for the markers of finance and commerce as a metric of her value and her worth and know that it is far more significant. And it's an interesting thing trying to navigate the way that the media is projecting how life should be and then how deep down you actually feel. and it's just this like interesting concept that i i i am i still don't know the answers to but i'm always fascinated to unpack those topics it's interesting the dynamic my wife and i and so and it this aligns a lot with what you're saying so for me no dad grew up no dad around um single mom uh she did the best she could but she wasn't like a powerful woman right she was very intimidated insecure operated kind of from a place of fear and scarcity and and so i i didn't like that right i wanted i was looking for like a strong um confident woman right and so i met my wife independent didn't need me uh you know she had a career and that was so attractive to me right because we had that and so because of that um you know i was attracted to her going down this path of like wow i don't have to support this woman you can go side by side but as times went on built more success i got us it's like i want to call her back into that femininity right like because the the independent go-getter my wife she's a very successful woman in that business woman to direct her a fortune 50 company like you know just need me she's smart she closes deals she wants circles around men in her industry right and so but i'm not the feminine soft i don't need to deal close you right i don't need to toughen with it's like closing with 50 million dollar deal i want the soft loving touching and sensitive woman that that needs me that wants to be close to me, not the ones like, yeah, good, but you know, there's just that aspect.

35:29And so it's interesting how the evolution of that is her dad also, she's a only child, was like, hey, look, 50 % of people get divorced. You need to, you need to be able to be responsible. You can give it yourself. And so that, my wife's super independent. Like, she will not ask me for help. She'll be carrying something about to fall over. And I'm like, got it. You know, like, and that could be challenge what her and I some of the conversations are like hey I need you to perform less and just like soften up like just just be a woman let me because as a man then we we actually need to feel needed right we need to feel we provide just like the money and these kind of things we need to feel like we're actually like something with like a rock almost a thing that they need and I mean you have a really independent woman that can be tough yeah it's this ability to have her be soft and feminine which we love but then maintain the respect for herself as you were saying before about you know being soft but not being soft and driven from fear potentially you know say you were experiencing with your mom growing up it's the ability to be able to respect herself and hold her own but then also be soft and so that you can feel powerful as well as as a man i guess that's probably this dynamic that's something that it's interesting i mean it's something i never thought i'd face yeah and in that and being kind of you know from a conversation standpoint being obsessed with growing right like i'm always wanting to get better and my wife is too and so like because you could look at it and be like dude your guys marriage is better than 99 percent of people and i would agree but there's more there's more to unlock you know and i think when it comes to relationships a lot of people don't realize like you have love and sex but you also have intimacy and intimacy is not sex it's not physical touch necessarily it's the ability to be feel seen and heard.

37:42Right. And so there's an aspect of that, which guys get this wrong. Guys are like, I want more sex. Right. And I'm like, we need to unlock intimacy. Your wife needs to feel heard and seen and loved and safe and safe. Not like, you know, I got my muscles out. Y 'all I could, they're safe. She needs to feel safe to like share her opinion and you not smash it. She needs to feel safe that she can walk out of the closet and some outfit and you're not going to say that's boring or that's slutty you know like whatever like she needs to feel that kind of safety and that kind of safety allows her to open up put her guard down and usually leads to more you know just better connection whether it's sexually communication those kind of things too because if my wife doesn't feel safe to tell me something i might not agree with she's just not going to say it i've never heard that before intimacy is not about sex or touch because i i guess when you think about that that concept the the intimacy is being it's basically it's basically your ability to be close in the sense of what's on your mind and what you say and so like your ability to um think something and feel close enough to that person and intimate enough that person that you can just say it and not have to censor yourself not to hold yourself back and you feel trusted and respected by each party and then that can make her feel safe yeah and so imagine and here's you and i like as men we can have intimacy right like there's there's a part like we think like oh it's no dude like we need to be able to connect like that every that one of the biggest challenges of disconnection in society is lack of intimacy.

39:30And we have this mask on, right? So there's two parts to it. You need to feel safe enough to be able to say, Adam, you know, I really don't like that you did this or said this or something like whatever, right? And then from where I'm at, I can't be offended, right? Because if I'm like, oh, you're never happy chris right well then you're not going to feel safe to share and and actually it just it's not how the communication should work where i'm just like hey chris it man i'm sorry and it wasn't even thinking about that um i don't i don't i don't really even see where that was wrong could you just explain a little bit more i want to understand from your perspective or it's like when you can talk like that relationships are amazing on fire and super connected.

40:19Yeah. I feel like we're operating in from our subconscious so much as well. So we don't even know that it's bad. Like even if we are doing something bad, it's not like there's any malicious intent. We just don't really know that it's bad. You said on a video of yours, you said most marriages are two liars living together, trying to keep the peace. Yeah. And it's something that catches people's attention, right? Most marriages are two liars living together, trying to keep the pace. And, but, but it's interesting because when you, you know, I spend time coaching guys and I'll talk to their, their wives, right.

40:57I have their women on there as well because I want to, I want to see the full picture. The other thing too, is going into business adventure, ventures, things like that. Like I want to also meet the wife as well, because I can spend time with a guy and get a version of him and then do something, go to dinner with his wife. and I'm like, who the heck's this dude? I don't even know this guy when his wife's around. So I got to figure out which one of him's real. Is that the real him with his wife? Or is he just a total different human? And anybody that's capable of that flip-flop, dude, I can't trust you.

41:30So that's one aspect of it. But the same thing in a marriage where, especially in society, in this like social media highlight reel of life thing is we're so concerned about the image that we portray that we will protect the image that we portray versus actually strengthen the connection between what actually matters the most. So removing yourself further away from authenticity to hold up an image. Yes. That's probably a big thing that happens with social media is we want validation externally. So what we do is we show up in a way that potentially isn't us in hopes of being validated. But the reality is, is the way to actually get truly validated is by being authentic.

42:21Because when you're authentic, it's the most powerful energy that anyone ever feels. They go, wow, I want to spend more time with that person. I want to introduce that to more people. I want to be around that energy. And it's just a weird thing. It's like it might take a little bit longer to be able to receive the validation, to receive a message a week later saying, hey, you want to grab coffee or whatever. So just in the meantime, we're going to show up in a different way. So they may be shocked or reacting in a different way just to get that validation. Well, one thing that is often overlooked in that conversation is the most important validation you can receive is the self-validation, right?

43:00And so, so many times if I'm looking at this person or that person, that person to tell me I'm great or what a great job I did versus me being proud of myself and confident with myself and happy with who I am. And because, you know, there's a time in my life where I can look back and think of like, you know, drinking and partying and just basically being a degenerate and not accomplishing everything's Groundhog Day. It's like, get up, dude, like, you know, versus like, whoa, I read a book. Oh, I read another book. Oh, I actually got up at five o 'clock. Like I said, I would, I got up at five o 'clock again.

43:35Like I said, oh, I got, and you start doing these things. And most people, most people don't do any of that, right? Like life is just this way. They're like just blowing around the waves and moving them. There's, there's no firmness, right? There's no stability. There's no, there's no stubbornness in the right areas of their life. And when you start doing that, you start appreciating and loving yourself more. And then as you do that, you don't need external validation, right? And I was, to the offense point, I was saying to a friend of mine last week, I said, look, it's, I'm impossible to offend.

44:11He's like, BS, bro. That's impossible. And I was like, no, you can't offend me. And here's why. Because me allowing someone else to offend me means that I value your opinion of me more than I value the opinion of myself. And that's totally misaligned. now again my wife could say hey you know you really hurt my feelings and i could feel bad and i could feel curious to like hey what i do what i say right or i could be sorry because maybe i did do something um but there's an aspect of that but but not being offended right like if you said but chris i don't like your mustache should you know like like you could just be like cool like i like i was that right like there's just a part of that that aspect of it and in the work really needs to be done in ourself.

45:01Like, do you really love yourself? And if you're like, not really. Okay. What don't you like? I don't like my body weight or I don't like, cool. Fix it. I don't like my money. Cool. Fix it. Right. Like I don't like being single. Cool. Fix it. Why are you single? I'm single. Cause I don't go out. Like there's just, like there's, there's a way to dig into this deep part. And then as you work on yourself, and this took me 40 years, right. To figure out when you get to a point, you're like, i really like me and then when i really like me that it's a cup that overflows right i can help you like you more and i can help other people see the light in themselves like and it just it keeps going and it's like this is really fun this feels way better than feeling like crap and needing everybody else to make me feel good about myself right yeah be full within yourself and then everything else becomes a bonus like you don't need to be phased it's like when you're when you're letting other people's opinions dictate how you feel you're basically like allowing them to be a leg of the table of you and it means that when they pull out of that it's like the table gets a bit rocky and so being able to just be full and and have everything as just a plate on the top it's probably a really good frame um where do you think ego plays a role in here what are your thoughts on ego and um do you think it serves us or do you think egos are all negative it I think there's a level of it that serves us, but it's, it's, um, it's like that friend that will like dare you to do everything.

46:30Right. And sometimes that friend's got some bad ideas, but sometimes that friend gets you to do the thing you should do. And so there's a little bit of ego that I think is healthy, but it's like, it has to be controlled. If ego's in charge, you're dead. Right. Like, um, you know, a lot of times people don't understand fear is also ego. Right. Like when you, if you can get someone to understand, like when you're not scared because it's like, like, you know, like I said, running for office, is it? Yeah, dude, it's a little scary. I don't know what I'm doing. Got to figure that out. Am I like scared for my life?

47:04No. And, but there's a little bit of ego because part of that says like, what's if you lose? What's if you look stupid? What's if, you know, you don't do it right. And everybody just like, there's a part of that fear. And then I just have to look at that and say, okay, look, that's my ego. that part of my ego doesn't serve me um so i'm just gonna dismiss it and go back to like remembering who i am so i think there's a part of ego you know i think it the the term gets thrown around a lot of different i like confidence people miss those two right in some cases but um ego controlling everything is a serious problem for sure yeah i need to pull i need to pull this up it's this comparison between confidence and ego really good discernment of the two and um it blew my mind when i read it because i definitely spent most of my life with a serious ego problem right and yeah and i think there's that that contrast of that i've been able to have of like this like you know i basically waged war on myself probably 12 years ago of just like i need to burn that man down and rebuild him only with the things that i and then and you keep chipping away right every day i'm still chipping some stuff away and i'm adding some stuff to it right like until until we die like that's the path but if you don't that's your ego right there yeah because i was unpacking this because i was trying to understand because i thought that confidence was quite a good thing and then i thought ego wasn't really a good thing um there's a great book ego is the enemy Yeah.