#134: This was a hard podcast to record…

0:00And settling for a life that is subpar to the life that you dream is a coward act. So many of us are caught in this just good enough stage where things are not bad, but they're also not great. And you're not in enough pain to change, but you also aren't happy. And I've seen this time and time again. I've caught myself in this time and time again. And the moment we snap out of that is the moment that I think everyone should arrive at, but unfortunately very few ever do. I've been in things recently that have been just good enough. In fact, they've not only been just good enough, they've been so great.

0:53But they're still subpar to the version of that thing that I dream. and it takes courage to change when things are pretty good, and you've been in this thing that's pretty good for quite a long time, it's hard to want to break out of that and go into something new. But it needs to be done. you know i've had some pretty profound things come across my eyes recently and they've honestly shocked me to my core they've given me goosebumps and they've made me want to drive and strive far greater than i ever have and a lot of it's been in my family and i've experienced stuff in my family that I just cannot tolerate myself.

1:55I just can't bear to even comprehend having that be my situation. And I think the reason why it's come full circle here is because, well not full circle, the reason why it's come back to my attention is because I've been back with my family for the last couple of weeks. And I need to emphasize here, My family are the people I love the most. They're the most amazing people and I'm so grateful to have such great relationships with them. But there's aspects of it that I cannot comprehend tolerating.

2:38And when you see it in people that you care about so much, you think to yourself, how are you staying in that? How can you deal with that? How would you put yourself in that position? And you point outwardly. But a lot of the time, you're doing very similar things in your own realm. You're doing things that are settling as well. And it's easy to point fingers. But until you point fingers back at you and look at what you can do to level up your life and not be a coward and settle for a subpar version of the life that you dream, you're never going to grow. You're always going to be stuck. And my message for today is I really want to rein home to not settle.

3:28Don't settle. If something feels off in your relationship, have the courage to end it. If something feels off in your job and you have to crawl out of bed every single day, end it. Have the courage to end it. If there's a hard conversation that you need to have and you're putting it off, have it. If you're out of shape, fix it. If you treat your body like shit, change it. Don't settle because what is the point? Honestly, think about your life and think about how you only have one of these things. and then ponder the precious nature of your time and your life that you have that you have been gifted and then you're not even showing up for yourself you're not even respecting that time you're not even respecting that body you're not even respecting the ability that you have to communicate to be kind to others to connect with others there's only so much of this and you know we're all not perfect people and we all make mistakes and things don't go to plan and i'm very delicate when i'm sharing advice because i am frankly a 24 year old single man that knows some stuff but really knows nothing so i'm being delicate with my nature of how i'm delivering this, but I can't help but see things with my bare eyes.

5:05When I deep dive into stuff, the reason I deep dive into it is because I've seen something in real life and gone, wow, I can't tolerate that. I want that. That is inspiring. That is draining. I just observe things and I can't help but think how I can take the lessons from those things. and an experience that I had two days ago rocked me it's the reason I'm sat in here right now it was Easter and the day sapped the life out of me to be honest and it's not because I didn't love the people that I was around but frankly it sat the energy out of me it's nothing against anyone but I needed space after it.

5:57I needed to get out. And I always refer back to these points where are the people that are in your life treadmill friends or couch friends? Do they make you want to run on a treadmill or sit on a couch? Are the experiences in your life, the things you're doing when you're spending your hours in your day, do they drain you or do they make you want to run on a treadmill? Do they inspire you? Do they lift you up? Because the people, the places and things that we do can take us one of two ways. They can leave us at the end of the day going, ha, or they can leave us at the end of the day going, ha.

6:36And Sunday for me, honestly, made me feel incredibly drained. And it started in church, to be honest. I've been deep diving into religion, into Christianity a lot recently, and I've been having some really profound unlocks and realizations about it. It's been really great. But I also have had some experiences that take me further away, which is fine. I don't write off the idea of Jesus because I had a bad experience in church, but I left the church and I felt incredibly drained. I felt sapped. I needed to have a nap. and I think there was a part of it that felt very closed. You know, I'm a very open-minded guy.

7:23I want to explore things and I want to not speak indefinites and I want to explore the opportunity to learn something new or onboard a new insight that's going to serve me or not. and when you speak indefinites, you're shutting down that ability to invite anything new in because you just think that that's the way. And I found that to be the case with the church service that I was at. It was 90 minutes and for the whole damn time, they were just drilling down your throat how you just need to believe and Jesus is the only answer and it was like a cult. And that doesn't bring me closer to Jesus. that brings me further away.

8:13It felt like division. It felt like a cult and it wasn't fun. And you know, I've been going to church when I've been back home in Malibu. I've been going every week and there have been far greater experiences than the one I had on Sunday, but it started out with that and then I felt drained. Then I went to see my family for Easter and I'm This one encounter really, really shocked me. And it was when my niece, who was about 18 months old, and just before I dive into this, I just want to emphasize here, like, I'm not trying to say anyone's right or wrong. I'm just stating my experience and what happened.

9:03And it's going to tie into the thing around settling soon. this is what happened. One of my sisters, so beautiful, amazing person. I love her to death. Has three daughters. Two are with her ex-husband and one is with her new partner. Now, her ex-husband was picking up the other two kids to have, they were changing over, right? And so the two other kids were going away to the ex-husband. And so he was picking them up from my sister's house. And then the other daughter, which is only 18 months old, was staying there because obviously their partners, they're together. Now, no words were exchanged, but the two daughters, the older ones, got picked up by their dad.

9:57And as they left the house, they said goodbyes, they left the house and the 18 month old just started weeping, started bawling her eyes out. And I'm sat right next to her. And to think that babies don't know what's going on is kidding yourself. I watched her go from this bubbly, lit up soul to broken in minutes. And it was literally by the fact that her sisters left. she knows something's wrong that shouldn't happen that shouldn't be like that and the reality is is those encounters every time our sisters leave and she cries that's gonna play a role on her it's going to rub off and i don't know much about all of that stuff but you just can't disregard the fact that literally the energy and the way she felt switched like this without any words exchanged from anyone.

11:04She just noticed something was up and this poor little girl had the life sucked out of her. And I look at that and I get goosebumps and I just go, I need to make sure that the mother to my children is the woman that I want to be with for the rest of my life. and I need to show up and give her the absolute world so that my children don't have a broken family. My mom and dad went in and out of relationship my whole life and when I look at my life, it was quite messed up and they did the absolute most amazing job of shielding it. I can only imagine family that can't shield it but whether you shield it or not, you still know something's up.

11:47Growing up as a kid and your mom and dad are not together, that they don't sleep in the same bed and then they do and then they don't and then they do. Like something's not right. And so if you look at that and the way that it rubs off on you, it dictates the way that you act. That would be such a massive reason as to so many of the different motivators that I have today. And the reason I'm sharing this is because for that, that's happened in their life. That's fine. But there's so many people that are listening to this right now that have the opportunity to change. It doesn't matter if you're 18 listening to this.

12:25It doesn't matter if you're 55, 65, 70 listening to this. What is the point of living if you are not going to set a standard and have the courage to change when you're not meeting that standard? What is the point? We're going to get to our deathbed and we're going to be looking back at our life and we're not going to be thinking about all of the times we played it safe. We're not going to be thinking about the times we failed. We're going to be thinking about the things that we didn't do. We're going to be thinking about the things that we wanted and never acted on. So if you know that, and you can listen to this right now and know that that is how you're going to feel on your deathbed, why don't you change it now?

13:08It's never too late. If you're in a relationship that sucks, even if it's going to be harder to find someone new, you may as well try.

13:22Because I don't know about you. I want to live a life that I'm truly proud of. I don't want to hide. I don't want to settle. I don't want to get used to shit. I don't want to put up with bullshit so often to the point where it becomes normal so I'm not even fazed by it. That's bullshit, man. Settling and putting up the stuff that should not be tolerable is bullshit. If you're not willing to make the good great, get up and leave. In whatever that is, get up and leave for your own sake. I'm so passionate about this because I just see aspects in my family that are so fucked up. because I've been so distant from them, chasing my dreams and being on the other side of the world.

14:14I think I forgot how messed up it is. And I think because I only tolerate people that are hungry, that are striving, that are peaceful, that love their life, because I have such a high standard of the people I let in my life. When I come back to that, it rips the soul out of me. it's soul crushing and if there's one thing that I can hopefully get people to take away from this is that if you're not prepared to change something that's not great you're being a coward I don't care how hard it is what's the fucking point of settling for a life that's some parts of the life you dream? What's the point of looking at other people's lives and being so inspired by their lives as opposed to being inspired by your own?

15:11And the thing I want to be delicate with when discussing this is not getting caught in this trap of the grass is always greener, not getting caught in this state of constantly wanting more, because that's a slippery slope in itself. It's not about thinking you're inadequate and thinking that your life is not good enough when it is. It's about realizing that I am settling right now for something that should not be tolerable. I have a relationship in my life that is causing chaos, that's making me feel on edge. That's creating turmoil, making me stressed and not elevating my life. I have a relationship like that in my life right now and I am choosing to keep it in my life.

16:04That's not thinking the grass is greener. That is having a standard and upholding it. You should not be tolerating that shit in any way, shape or form. You either make the good great or you get up and leave. Staying stuck in the grass is always greener is a very slippery slope. And Alan Watts has a great concept around this. In fact, I'm going to read you something from Alan Watts, one of the great philosophers. And he's got this profound thing around rushing and chasing. And I'm going to read it to you. He says, Hurry is not of the devil. It is the devil. Watts believed that when you rush, you disconnect from life itself.

16:49You're no longer in the moment, you're always chasing the next one. You eat without tasting, you work without meaning, you live without actually feeling it. Watts often said life isn't a journey to a destination, it's more like music. You don't listen to a song just to get to the end. If you rush through it, you miss the whole point. rushing feels productive but it's often just anxiety dressed as ambition you think once I get there I'll relax but there keeps moving so the shift he invites is instead of always thinking ahead always optimizing always speeding up he pushes you towards being fully present doing things for your own sake and letting life unfold not forcing it you see The reason I want to tie that into settling is because people think that the opposite of settling is striving.

17:50And it's not the case. Settling and striving might have different utilities, but it's not about one or the other. And I think this is where a lot of people get confused because people might think, okay, I'm working really hard, but what's the alternative? Going and sitting on a beach and drinking coconuts all day? No, we're not meant to be stagnant. It's not about doing nothing, but it's about having a standard of your life. And when things aren't increasing that standard, what's the point of doing them? And if things are decreasing that standard, what's the point of keeping them?

18:31Because I can tell you what's right and wrong. Your mentors can tell you what's right and wrong. Your friends can tell you what's right and wrong. Your family can tell you what's right and wrong. But they don't know shit. But you do. You know what's right or wrong for you. And if you don't, you haven't sat and thought and pondered enough. You haven't removed the noise enough. Because, you know, for me, the more I remove the noise, the more the real answers come. and the more the real answers come time and time again they become so clear and when the real answers are so clear to me it's so much easier to have courage to make the decisions that get me closer towards that even if they're hard the more time i look inward the more clarity i get on what i actually want and with that clarity allows me to tap into courage and take the leap even though it is challenging.

19:36It might come with a dark tunnel. I might feel heartbroken, lost, sad, alone. But I know it's right for me because I've done that work internally. So it's not up to me to tell you what's right or wrong, but it is your duty to understand what is right or wrong for you. What is just good enough in your life right now and it's not great. It's sub-part of what you actually want. It is up to you to understand that. Because what's the fucking point of living otherwise? I truly believe that when you have this passion of setting a standard and not letting anything go below that, your life starts to flourish.

20:24You don't tolerate bullshit. And when you don't tolerate bullshit, You know what comes into your life? The opposite. Because all the other people that don't tolerate bullshit only want people in their life that don't tolerate bullshit. So then your level of people around you increases.

20:45And it's day and night what's fucking bullshit. Let's be real, pardon the French, but it's day and night. You know the answers already. That tingle that you feel in your heart, that's telling you something is wrong. something is right, you know. But you're pushing down all these things to trick yourself that your life is okay. You're pushing down all of the things that you've settled for and tricking yourself to thinking that your life is good. But it's not. You still complain every day. You still dread over things. You still think about the past. You still admire some other people's life over your life.

21:27All of these things are showing that what you have right now is not what you want, because when you truly have what deep down you want, the partner, the career, the body, the house, everything, the freedom, when you have all of that, you don't even dread, you don't even complain, you don't even think about any of this stuff, because you know what you have is what you want. And sometimes this can be a hard pill to swallow and it might sound like I'm screaming down your throat, but sometimes you need to push the message for people to actually hear it. And that's what I'm trying to do because I know my life absolutely transformed when I set a standard and I didn't go below it.

22:17My life absolutely transformed when I identified where I was settling in my life. And I know yours can too. And oftentimes the settle stems from having other people involved. Because it's a lot easier to make decisions when it's just yourself. but as soon as external pressures come in other people's feelings sunk cost fallacy where you've invested time energy resources money into something you've built a relationship with someone oftentimes when all of these perceived values and costs that have gone into it you get emotionally attached to the thing so then it's a lot harder to make the decision and i think that's where settling comes a lot of the time because when something's early on, it's easy to get out.

23:19But as it drags on longer and longer, it becomes harder and harder. You're digging a hole deeper that you know you need to climb out of in order to reach a true fulfillment in your life. You know, that's what we actually do when we're settling each day that goes by. We are digging this hole deeper and deeper and deeper that we know we need to climb out of somehow in order to achieve true fulfillment, in order to achieve a life that we truly want. And we do that every single day. We settle every single day, knowing that that's taking us further away from what we actually want. A common denominator that I've seen in high achievers is they can identify opportunity quick, but more importantly, they can get out when things aren't working.

24:10So they can identify opportunity quick, but they can fail fast. They realize that there's more cost in staying in something that's not working than cutting your costs and leaving when you identify that things aren't going to work. This is how the greatest minds achieve so much success because they can identify opportunity. They see something, they know what they want, that matches it, they grab it. But if it doesn't work out, they get out as quick as they grabbed it. Because they know that the longer they stay in something, the less time they're going to be able to find something new. And a lot of this is in the context of business, but I think a big area of this is relationships as well.

24:59You identify something fast, so you dive in and you know it's great, but then you realize as you get to know each other more that there's something off. Having the courage to break it when you identify that and shorten the gap between your thoughts and taking action, between your feelings and taking action, you can then move on and free up space to the next opportunity, the next relationship, the next business, the next diet, whatever it is, right? The greats can identify it fast, but then fail even faster. So what are all the things in your life that you feel are subpar to what you dream?

25:52And after you've identified those, I'll go one step deeper and I'll go, what are the things that I believe is my dream but are just shiny objects that are actually worthless that won't bring me any more fulfillment because oftentimes we can get caught in that grass is always greener and the grass is greener in our imaginary life that makes us think that what we have right now is not good enough so then we strive for something greater but greater was all perceived because then you got it and it actually wasn't even greater, you still feel the same. And so identifying where you think you're settling and then identifying what the dream life in that area looks like, and then identifying if that dream life is actually aligned with your heart or if it's just aligned with the external material world.

26:50And if it's aligned with your heart and there's a better version of the life that you dream or the person that you're with or whatever it is, having the courage to act on that is possibly the most important thing that you can possibly do. I'll be honest, I have held off talking about my family quite a while. And oftentimes I think things and feel things and I go, it's not appropriate to bring that up and a lot of people think that as well um hence why they don't share because all my family is going to be listening to this right now they listen to all my shows they're great fans and i'm i'm so grateful for that but the realization i had which is why we're in the studio right now recording this is because i realized that i'm doing a disservice thinking in the lens that everyone else thinks of of I can't talk about that because that might offend someone.

27:53I'm doing everyone that needs to hear this message a disservice by hiding it. Because I feel it. Whether we want to mope about or we want to start hating or we want to whatever, say I'm disrespectful, I feel it. So if I feel it, it must be real to me because I feel it. so whether it sits right or lands right, I can't disregard the way that I feel, so if I'm feeling this, and I've identified that it's quite an extreme thing, there's probably other people feeling this as well, and perhaps if I can share it, it makes people feel a little less alone, and then it also gives people the courage to open up about how they're feeling as well, the amount of people I get messages from that say, that they've fallen out of touch with their family or they don't like hanging out with their family because it drains them and they're growing so much and they don't know how to navigate this relationship because they're changing and evolving so much.

29:00The amount of messages I get like this is crazy. It's nothing against your family. My family I love more than anyone else in the world. It's nothing against them. But the reality is, is that is the reality. And so what you can do with it is either dread on it and be like, damn it, that's just the way it is, rada, rada, rada. Or you can look at it and go, what are the lessons in that that I can apply in my life to make sure that my life doesn't look like that? Let's be real here. What can we do that will make our life one that we truly want? And if it means that we need to look at someone in our life that has what we don't want to be able to strengthen the connection we have with the life that we do want, which then makes us show up in that way, be motivated more and driven more to achieve the life that we do want and not settle for anything else, then I think we should use it.

30:06and I don't think we should shield ourselves and hide ourselves from the reality. And I'm so passionate about it because I've seen my life transform. I had a profound feeling yesterday, actually. I was driving past, which I haven't drove down that street since I lived there, I was driving past the first ever apartment that I moved into when I left home. It was the day after my 18th birthday. And I remember moving into this apartment that I could not afford. I was working a sales job. I was making$800 a month as a salary, criminal, and I could make commission. But we were selling personal development events.

30:50And this was the start of 2020. And COVID had just hit and the whole world was shutting down. So we couldn't even do events. So I was selling something we couldn't even do. So obviously I made no commission. And shortly after that, I got laid off and let off my job. my girlfriend had just broken up with me at the time. I was 18. It was my first love. And I honestly would weep. I was so upset. And I would go to hop on the tram, which was right next to where I lived, drive into Surfer's Paradise and get blackout drunk every weekend. And have these massive blowout nights where I'd just drink until I couldn't remember anything.

31:33And there was a turning point in that moment. where we were about to go into a full lockdown. And I packed up my bags, filled an old Subaru, and I drove down to Sydney and I crossed the borders and I drove down to a whole new city with my best friend to start a new life. And it was an extreme low. It was extremely challenging. But that moment there took a lot of courage because in that moment, I had all my family. telling me not to do it. I have my dad calling me saying, don't do it, come home, your car's going to break down. Like, don't drive there. My sister was doing the same thing, rada, rada, rada.

32:18What are you going to do for work? What are you going to do? Rada, rada, rada. And I had to say to them, I appreciate the input, but I'm going anyway. And that kickstarted this journey for me that led me into creating businesses, getting investors on board, being independent, learning sales and communication. It led me down this whole journey, which set me up to the life that I'm living now. And if I never made that leap there, who knows where I would have been. And the lesson here is on the other side of hard conversations, on the other side of a challenging time, of an uncertain time, but on the other side of a decision that you make that feels like it needs to be done, that feels right, on the other side of that decision, is light.

33:09And you might not feel it straight away, but you just need to expand the time horizon now, and then you realize that you'll be living a far greater life than the one that you're settling for right now. Far greater. Because every single time, if I look at the common denominators in my life, all of the most life-changing moments for the better were in the bad times, not the good times, They were in the bad times. So the question then becomes, if all the most life-changing times for the better were in the bad times, were the bad times actually bad? Or were they just the price tag to the dream life that I wanted to live?