#149: Drew Lynch: The Raw Pressure Of Being A Comedian

29:34So I had to go through a whole process of like, I did the keto diet for, I don't know, almost a year because I needed my brain to be fed oils and fats, no sugar, trying to rehabilitate it, do anti-sick cards, where my eyes are doing different things, trying to write with my non-dominant hand just to establish everything again on the left side. I never properly healed my brain. But the thing that was the most healing for my brain and really basically how I felt about what I felt about then was that I'm going to do everything in the material world externally to avoid the problem that's buried deep down, which is that all my worth comes from how everybody else feels about it.

30:13And that's been the thing that has been the most healing through a diet, through cold plunges, through singing while I'm moving, through speech therapy, all that stuff. The thing that has grounded me the most is recognizing that all of my worth comes from how I feel about it, not how anybody else feels about it, which is a bit challenging when you do comedy and the response that you need and the feedback that you need is entirely based on how you feel about it. So this is delicate balance. And I've been exacerbating an issue for a very, very long time. So it's something to keep in check. That's pretty profound.

30:46The guy that just was sitting there, we were deep diving on how people search in the external world to fill an internal void. And the challenge and the slippery slope of that nature is just, well frankly only you knows what's going on inside of you only they don't know the storm that's inside of you nothing knows what's going on inside of you except you and probably god and and so the the interesting piece is our default is to look externally to solve the thing that just feels off like i something's missing i need a relationship i need a partner or something's Missing this job mustn't be fulfilling me.

31:32I need to find a new job. Constantly finding something in the external aspect of life outside of you to solve something internal. Yeah. But I guess, as you said, there's that challenge there because you've got the relationship you're trying to build with self and the pointing the finger backward to grow yourself and not search outwardly. but equally the way you would define success in your job is if people praise what you do because that's comedy is respond to it yeah respond to it how has it been navigating that difference and that challenge oh it's tough i mean i think that when you find who you are on stage when you find who you are off stage you can find who you are on stage if you're able to find who you are on stage odds are like you're able to do anything man i mean genuinely you're able to do anything what do you mean by that find yourself on stage and off stage so on stage if you like some of the best comics i know there's there's almost two different there's almost two different types of comedian there's probably more but these two archetypes are ones that are very distinguished and they're the comic who is before they go on stage and they're they're thinking or they're writing or they're they're planning they're worrying they are obsessing they're editing they're revising they are anticipating and then there's the other comic who is talking to you just before they go on stage they're talking to you oh yeah what's up oh you did that thing oh you went to air one that's insane you have money for water for air one dude i went to that place they built another one downtown I don't know no one downtown has money anyway hang on they're calling me and they walk right on stage and go like anyway and they they could literally almost continue the conversation they're like yeah there's some guy back there was telling me there's an air wand down downtown who has money downtown for air wand so like it's insane that there are two different types I almost I almost always aligned with the first type the first type is just I'm gonna plan I'm gonna anticipate I'm gonna control I'm gonna do everything I need this I need it I need it to go well I need it to go well so I can drive home or I can drive to my next show not and I can go to bed tonight not feeling like I'm absolutely worthless and I haven't invested all my time in this now it's not sustainable now there are some comics who are just very very like they're in their process and whatever and it matters and that's a good thing but the delicate balance of how to find yourself on stage if you can the audience is the audience is the ultimate test.

34:11The audience, it is you have a room full of people who are holding you accountable to your own authenticity. And if you can't be it in front of them, people in the crowd smell it. It's not likable. You're not being honest. You are, something's performative, even though you're performing. That's what's crazy. You have to be honest and perform, but don't be performative. Don't push it to the point where it loses its authenticity. authenticity so i was talking with robert kelly a comic out of new york who's been doing this for so long and he said you know the the when you are who you are on stage and you're the most comfortable of who you are on stage you've figured out everything else off stage everything else off stage is that much easier so so would you say that then finding out who you are on stage do you think that more so resonates with the second archetype that you're explaining like the person that can just flow straight onto stage sure and not feel like it needs to you know the way i'm kind of viewing it is type a that you explained is kind of really up here in the head and then the second one's kind of like down here yeah in the heart yes it's kind of like the the type a one is is analytical yeah and it's trying to plan prepare so there's no mistakes yep i need it to run effortlessly and then the the b type is kind of i've surrendered to this because i know that that me if i trust in myself and allow this this flexibility with how i act and trust in myself that way i know that i can kind of respond in a kind of impromptu way in a sense like that in a sense i mean do you feel like for you are you when you when you learn that from the people that you're speaking to do you feel to master that person on stage you kind of need to tap into that bit more of a trust in yourself and a knowing of of who you are and not feel like you need to have every single step planned out absolutely i mean that's the that's the short answer i mean the long answer would be that i struggle with it daily i mean i did i i went up at the comedy store the other night and i was just like i said some stuff where i was like that is not me at all.

36:27That is not me. There are parts of it where it's like, that's me. And then there are parts, and I've been doing this for 15 years. So it's like, there are parts where it's like, I'm still figuring it out. And it's, and you can feel it, you know? I'm almost, I'm almost, I struggle to look at people. I struggle to look at people sometimes when I do shows because I'm so worried that I'm not going to be accepted. I'm so worried. And that's conditioning from, you know, I used to stutter. I used to look at people and then I would stutter and then I could watch them be uncomfortable. And now here I am not stuttering and sometimes I still find it difficult to look at people.

36:58It's like, but that's where the heart is. Just like you said, that's where the heart is. That's where you connect with somebody. That's where you can look at them and they know that you're there. So this is hard. I would find pockets in between when I would look at things because I'm neurotic and I, you know, and really what it is that is that I'm sensitive. I'm a sensitive person. I get hurt easily. I get hurt because I care. I care about others. And so I have this sometimes this defense mechanism that will make it seem like I don't. And that can only be accessed through your, through your, you know, through the heart, not the head.

37:34Do you think lots of that fear or that sensitivity comes from childhood or do you think it comes post injury? I think a lot of it's from childhood. I think a lot of it's from childhood. But, you know, my dad, you know, he passed away recently. And I've only learned more about him. I've learned much more about him since he passed than I did ever when he was alive. How so? Because I do a lot of the same things that he had in his programming I do. And I now only realize, oh, that's what he was doing. It's so weird. It's like at the end when you see somebody at their most vulnerable, he passed away from cancer.

38:13So when you slowly watch somebody's guard start to go down and go down and go down, and then you see the programming that's behind all of it, you're like, ah, that kind of makes sense. And so the week after he passed, and then the month after he passed, and then two months after he passed, and then whatever, we're in six months now after he passed, I start to become more and more aware of what it was I was seeing at the end in his defenseless programming that I also have that I'm trying to put to put defense up on that I'm trying to defend so to answer your question I think that yeah a lot of it comes from childhood my dad was and I don't I don't I don't want to say this in a way that's at all disrespectful because it's not he was like he did it absolutely the best that he could with what he could and with what he had but my dad was very much like a product of how powerful his brain was but in but in the negative you know so he was very quick to look ahead and be like oh well that's futile or that well that well what's the point of that or that doesn't matter or that's you know well it's probably not going to work out.

39:29The sense of around what it was, was that not everything is going to be okay. It's not, it might not work out. And it got to a point where when that starts to compound, it gets to, it probably won't work out. And so my self-talk every day, in between conversations, in between talking to people, in between interactions, in between music and phone calls and noise, I have to say to myself, it's going to work out. This is going to work out. And that's who I actually am, someone who believes that it will. But my entire programming, my entire life was almost always that it's not going to. And therefore, I'm not safe.

40:11Therefore, I'm not in a place where I will ever know if it's going to be okay. I'll never rest. I can never rest because that would imply that it would be okay. Yeah. See, I think there's so much in this. There's so much power in looking at people that are on their deathbed, how they act, and the lessons you can learn from that because they've already surrendered to their life passing so they don't have those defense mechanisms, as you just said. I think it's a bit of an unlock because there's something in looking at that and going, okay, we're all going to end up there. So what can we take from that and apply into our life now so we don't have those defense mechanisms running in our life that actually aren't serving us?

41:05Like what is the negativity and the skepticism and the doubt that we have so deep wide in us that we won't have when we're on our deathbed? because perhaps, you know, this is just trying to protect us, but perhaps when you unpack it, it actually doesn't serve us in any way, shape or form. No. And I think that's quite interesting. Do you feel like your faith allows you to maybe have more trust and have more optimism in what you're doing and the way you show up? Sure. Sure. I mean, I think it's like You know, I think faith is, the book is, the book is a very good thing for when you've started to establish a foundation for yourself.

41:53It can't do all the work for you. God can't do all the work for you. There's that old proverb, and that's not literally in the book of Proverbs, but there's the old proverb where a guy, you know, falls out of a boat and he starts drowning. And he's like, God, help me. And then God sends, you know, and then, you know, a boat, a boat comes by and a guy's, you know, guy's like, hey, I can help you in. He's like, no, it's okay. God's going to save me. And so then the boat continues. And then, you know, a flotation device comes along and, you know, and he's, you know, he's like, you know, he's like, you know, he's like, you know, he's like, you know, he's like he's like, oh, I don't need the flotation device.

42:17God's going to save me. And some sea turtles show up and they're like, uh, you know, you can hop on the sea turtles. And it's like, ah, no, it's all right. God's going to save me. He drowns and he goes to heaven and he's like, God, why did I die? And God's like, what are you talking about? I sent you sea turtles. I sent you a boat. I sent you, I sent you a raft. So it's like the work that you want to do on, on yourself has to start with yourself. I do actually lean on a proverb, interestingly, which is, um, Proverbs three, five through six, which is trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding.

42:47So there is some type of surrender to something like that, you know, and I'm grateful for some of my programming because my dad could pick apart in a matter of seconds what's wrong with something very quickly and complain about it. And when you think about what comedy is, that's all that it is. You're going on stage, you're just complaining, you're picking something apart from many different angles and ad nauseum. And that's what he would do. And I think that's something that I, for better or for worse, already just have in my DNA. I can talk about something for a very, very long time about why it frustrates me and circumnavigate from many different angles to get to the heart of why that's not okay and the injustices of it.

43:34And that's not a good, healthy way to live. But it might be a healthy thing to access and recognizing that I can put that as a compartment into my job and then try to restore whatever this negative self-programming is with positive self-talk that hopefully has longer and lasting, more healthy standing effects for my long term. because I agree with you. I don't think that it serves us. We think that it did because at one point it kept us safer. We thought it did from not being able to protect ourselves at a certain age when we didn't know how. Yeah. I wonder the conversation I just had before this, we spoke about the book, The Body Keeps the Score and kind of how when your body gets sick or you pull a muscle or whatever it is, it's telling you something about what's going on.

44:29And there's like a deeper intelligence in the body that can heal itself when the mind and the body is synced and you're speaking positively about yourself in a way. Do you ever wonder about, you know, your dad's sickness and if it could potentially come from the way that he was wired in his mind? Yep. I do believe that. I do believe that my dad died from brain cancer, stage four brain cancer. And I think that the way he felt about himself and doing the best that he could to try to manage it came from a different generation, came from different traumas, came from different, you know, doing the best that he could to manage it.

45:09But ultimately coming up short, I think is the thing that ultimately, I think, I believe that's what led to him. I think that's the thing that killed him. Wow. Is that hard to say? It was, and it is. Because it almost feels like, you know, if he was given the tools, and he knew for a fact that with those tools, he could elevate himself to a different place, then he would have. I hope he would have. But I also know that everything happens for a reason. and my path has changed dramatically because of what I've seen with my dad and his programming. And if that's what he had to have gone through, I believe that he believes, if he would have had to have gone through what it is that he went through so my brother, my sister, and I could take away some type of lesson that sheds our own issues that no longer serve us, then it would have been worth it.

46:18Hmm. it's pretty profound to think about it in that light it's such a grounded view of a parent passing because you know i can't remember where it says it but there's like so many pieces around how a man changes when their father passes away and yeah it's it's a kind of pain that is not like a lot of things and i'm blessed to have my dad with me still and and i think it's just interesting seeing how that does teach you and you know even just how you're realizing like the more time you're sitting with it the more you're realizing the similarities between you and him and how you're operating both in a positive and a negative way and how you can grow from that and then be able to see the the passing as a blessing and as it being meant to be to be able to teach his kids is a profound lesson that will change their life the better hopefully which is a tough thing to have to even suggest you know that the idea that he he i mean that would that's almost sound selfish you know yeah he passed so i could learn but i mean there's probably a myriad of reasons for why it was his time and that's maybe not for me to know and maybe it will be for me to know a little bit later if we put comedian back in the bio um of instagram i'm fascinated to know when you're in those states uh on stage you find yourself before going out there maybe with a stutter or your speech is uh not as good as you would have liked it to be or it normally is how do you go about dealing with it do you try and just lean into it do you just know how your speech is going to be on that day so then you adjust the jokes accordingly like obviously when you were sharing jokes when your speech was more uh when you when your speech was less proper you i mean i don't know if you did but you kind of did make some jokes more so around that pain at yourself in a way um when you when it hits you by surprise is there a way that you act on stage or something to be able to lean into it?

48:39Or how does that look like when it shows up differently on game day? Honesty. Okay. Calling it like it is. You just say, I am just having a day. I didn't think it was going to be this today. And then in a way, it takes me back, honestly, to how I started. So when it happened a month ago, I almost found joy in real time because there is no game plan. You know, there is no plan. The plan is just, I hope they don't murder me out there for letting them down.

49:16So I rediscovered the joy of like, oh, I can make jokes about this in this way or I can say it like this. Or, you know, I think, you know, I was talking about like, you know, like everything my head was thrown back and I was having just these body convulsions before I even said anything. And I think one of the first things that I said was just that I look like a lot of people in downtown Phoenix, you know? And, you know, I had lots of people who came up to me who were like, Hey, man, can I take a hit of whatever you got? And I'm like, I don't know. This is like mine's been mine for a long time, you know?

50:00So like stuff, something along those lines of just taking what it is that's given, right? Like there's not much of a game plan when it comes to that. And what I tend to forget is that that essence, that vulnerability, that freedom is what it's supposed to be about. I can't tell you how many times I go on stage and I deliver a performance that's exactly the way that I thought of it in my head, and it went that way, and it was good, and I got the jokes that I needed to say, and they responded. I said the things, and then they responded appropriately, and then I left. Those shows are so emptying.

50:47They do not feel good because it's taking what it means to be human out of it. It's taking what it means to be me out of it, which is the idea that something can go not how I wanted it to and I'll still be okay so if anything those shows bring more meaning and more moments for you to draw on to be grateful on the days that maybe it's not there or to be able to look back on and go yeah I did that I had the stutter I didn't want to go out on stage I was upset back there I didn't want to let people down but I did it and people liked it yeah it's like these these these memories to draw back on and actually like be proud and be like yeah i did that yeah and knowing that that's that's it's a test knowing that that's what it is this is what's hard is like how do i recognize a test from god when it's when it's when i'm in it because right now all i'm feeling is just the effects of of the frustration all i'm feeling is just, this is going to be expensive.

51:52This is going to hurt my heart. I am not going to be able to get up and feel like I am going to operate at a comfortable level and in a way that's social and in a way that people depend on me and I feel like I'm going to let them down. There are effects that happen in the test that are like, how am I able to be aware that this is a test? And for whatever reason, when it happened recently, every single thing that came along that day, I knew it was a test. I don't know how I knew. I was just like, I just know it's a test. I just know, I know I have to go out there and do this. I don't know why because I had comments, I had my friends who were like, we'll do more time or do you want to cancel the show or do you want us to like, we'll all go out there on stage so we can, and I was just like, I don't know how to explain it.

52:34I know what the answer is. So, yeah. Yeah. It just makes so much sense why that verse, count it all joy, my brothers and sisters, when they chase, when you face trials of many kinds, why that's so powerful for you right now because it's so relevant it's like you get you embody that then you get put in the moment and you can kind of in a sense go good like there's a reason for this yes like let perseverance run its course so that i can be left feeling complete and lacking nothing it's like all of these things a are moments that we can look back on to give us context so that we enjoy all of the most fleeting moments of life.

53:16Yes. You would appreciate a show where you had no stutter so much more than I will because you've had the stutter and because of all of the perseverance and the work that you've done to be able to remove your stutter. So all of the pain and the challenge of having to work on the stutter and the drive so that people aren't judging you or defining you based on the stutter made you work on your speech so well. And even I can notice, right? You probably going through that has allowed you to increase your speech to the point where I don't hear many filler words and I don't hear any of this stuff. And, and it's gotten to a point where it's so much greater because of the challenge.

54:03You let perseverance run its course and you can look back and go, there's a reason that'll happen. it all makes sense. Yes. And something that I guess I didn't realize while you don't, you never realize until later, right? You never realize until later. And then when you do, you're like, oh, that's what that was. I see that. I'm only now starting to realize, like, I used to have a lot of anger for my injury at a lot because it took everything that I ever wanted for myself. I had, I had a little bit of time where I was like, I am desperate to figure out what the heck it is I'm going to do because this took everything from me.

54:44And then when I started to pursue stand-up again, stuttering taught me joke structure on accident. It taught me word economy. It taught me how important it was to cut out little parts of fat that a joke doesn't need. And it also taught me target assumption and shatter. It taught me to be able to guide the audience down a road of thinking that it's going to be one thing and then changing it at the very last minute or the very last syllable or the very last word, right? So that is something that's beautiful. It taught me how to write. Like, you know, I really don't like when people finish my sandwiches, right?

55:24So if someone who stutters, the target assumption is this is his frustration, this is what he deals with. And he's starting to say, I really don't like when people finish my s. So it goes all the way up to that before you put an ellipsis and then can change whatever the last thing is. And sometimes it's in the middle of the word. Sometimes the word you think is going to be this and then it's a different word. You start with a syllable and then it's a different syllable that changes what you feel about it. I think that's beautiful. It's the perfect combination of math and writing. That's what I love about standup.

55:55And what I really didn't appreciate at the time was that stuttering was teaching me to trim fat. It was teaching me to edit. It was teaching me structure. and that was also something I don't know that I would have had as an experience had I just kind of approached it with just fluid speech. Yeah, it's cool. I feel like it would be one of those things where, you know, you work so hard to get rid of it, but is there ever an element of you that is there ever an element of you that wants it back when you're on stage?

56:38no i really don't miss it i don't and i don't miss what it does to me yeah you know where it's just like hey i'm here today you know what i mean it's like you thought it was this devil on your shoulder in a sense yeah a little bit or it's like a guy it's like a guy who comes to collect you know it's like i'm just running my business i'm just doing my thing and he's like no you gotta you gotta pay up you know it's like that you know and it's just it's it it so i did heavy weight it's like a white that shows up and you're like oh yeah you have so much fear while it's happening but it's almost like a roller coaster where you're not in control then you get done and you're like wow let's do it again let's do it again and the times were like when I got done with that show when I got done with that show in Phoenix where I was stuttering I was ready and excited to do the next show I had two that night and I was ready and excited to do the next one because I knew knew that by just surrendering to what it was, it was going to teach me something.

57:37And I was going to actually get joy. And I had so much joy doing those performances. And I very rarely, well, not very rarely. It's been as of late that sometimes it's rare. I stumble into joyous moments. And that's hard because when something like this, my career, which should have all the components of what it means to have fun and be fun, starts to feel like a job, then that's not a good thing. yeah it's interesting how the thing that fears you the most and lurks over your shoulder like the tax collector is the thing that you've had so much praise from so like the thing that people look at you and laugh and bring so much joy into their lives is also the thing that hurts you the most do you ever think about that not in that way not in the way that you just said you know yeah it's hard I mean it's hard I mean I have been told

58:38you know I asked my I asked my I asked my I asked my family not too long ago I was like we were going around I was like what's your straight what's your greatest asset right that was what I was asking what's your greatest asset and my mom was like I think my greatest asset is my ability to be fair I'm a very fair person and I think that that's nice because it helps me mediate relationships. And my brother had an answer and my sister had an answer. And my dad was dead. He didn't say anything.

59:05But then my mom was like, and what about yours? What do you think yours is? And I was like, I have no idea. Probably my drive. I'm very driven. I can do stuff. I can put my mind to it. And she's like, I don't think that's your greatest asset. She's like, I think it's good. But I think your greatest asset is your ability to meet people where they are. Wherever it is that they are, where it is that they're going through, it's to meet people through that. And you're only able to access that through breaking yourself down through your own vulnerability. So vulnerability is what she was basically saying.

59:33Vulnerability is your greatest asset. And I was surprised by that answer, but I also understand it. It's my biggest, it's my, it's my God. Why? Why do I have to, why do I have to expose the fact that I'm so vulnerable to other people so they can, so, so, and expose myself or subject myself to the idea that they can attack me and they can take advantage of that. But for whatever reason, when I do it, it, it, it fills that cup of, oh, that's right. This is what I'm supposed to be doing. And it, and it's a more gratifying purpose than just I go on stage and I make people laugh. If I can be human and we put the label back into, back into a, we put the podcast label back into the bio sometimes it's like there is more to me than just i go on stage and may i say some stuff and i do whatever the thing is so yeah what does vulnerability mean to you i think vulnerability is just being honest that's where it starts being honest with what it is i think it's holding yourself accountable to saying this is what i struggle with right like i find i i it's almost not an option to do it the other way my ego creeps in sometimes where i'm like oh yeah and i did this like even talking about like yeah i'm a stuttering taught me joke structure i know joke structure like look look how i know joke like some of ego is there but for the most part where i wanted to where i wanted to be because i know that's who i am is to be talking about the fact that that was though objectively i'm i have gratitude for it but it was painful.

1:01:12That's honest. That's something that I think textures what it means to be human is just say, this is exactly how I feel about this thing. Or even radical honesty, saying out loud, like, if I'm uncomfortable in an environment, I'll be like, I'm uncomfortable right now. Or someone will say something that's really negative. And I'm like, that's super negative. I don't identify with that. That's hard. You know, Elliot's in socks right now. That bothers me. You know, he's walking around. He's still, he's loud, but he's got quiet footwear. That sucks. Okay. So like the thing is is that i i find von i find vulnerability access through just an honest point i think that's cool yeah i i feel do you feel free on stage sometimes you feel free to be able to kind of do whatever you want or do you think that analytical part of you where you structure and plan it all out makes it hard for you to feel free definitely okay definitely and i it's weird It's like that has been such an asset.

1:02:13Being able to write and plan and prepare and da-da-da and do all this. It's been such an asset. But for whatever reason, it's not me. On the other side of it, the other one, the type B that we're talking about, that's the one that's me. And that's the one where it's like, oh, wow, we just created a beautiful thing and I don't even want to take credit for it. I don't. But it's weird. The type A one, the one that is imbued with ego, the one that read it all and wrote it all and had a plan and everything, that's the one that is self-serving. That's the one that says, I'm going to write this. You're going to respond.

1:02:41And I will get to walk away knowing that I did it. And I did it well. And it was successful. And it is emptying. It's like I said, there's nothing fulfilling about it. But it's almost safer. It feels almost safer. But not for what's long term. Like we talked about, it doesn't serve me long term. It's going to compound itself through a pain body, through inflammation, through planning, through basically every material sign that I could need that the universe, that God is saying, that's not what I want you to do. That's not what I need you to do. Will be, it's up to me. That's the autonomy that I have in it.

1:03:18I can surrender to the fact that that's not my path, which I know it's not. Or I can continue to kick the can down the road and be living in denial and be avoidant about it. Kind of like you were talking about with your last guest, I imagine. substitution avoidance why did you just catch yourself when you said universe um thanks for asking um because it is a really really really good question it was no it actually was the best um but i mean that sincerely because i struggle sometimes i have struggled sometimes to share the fact that i believe in god with people in an industry that is relatively godless or for the fear of maybe being judged.

1:04:02But it's weird. When I say it, when I say out loud that I believe in God and I share that with people, that's also what it is that I feel I'm supposed to be saying. I don't know why, but it's what, when I say universe, I say, eh, I'm not being fully authentic. I'm not being fully what it is that I believe. And what it is that I believe is that there is a God and he doesn't answer me all the time like I wish. I don't get what it is that I want when I want it, which would be what it means to be a God. So I can't. But I guess I get it on his timeline or hers or they thems. I don't know if God is trans, but I don't really care.

1:04:41I just know that if I say universe, it's me being more congenial to the room or the environment and just saying whatever it is that maybe you feel or whatever, rather than just owning the fact that I I feel a certain way about it. Is that quite hard for you that you passionately believe in God, but then you feel you're operating in a godless industry? Yes. Oh, absolutely. You would be exposing yourself or subjecting yourself to scrutiny or comments and whatever. Comics, for the most part, we're tight-knit. There's all a community. So people know what's going on with people's lives. People know that I'm going through a divorce and that my dad passed away and that it's been a tough year, you know.

1:05:32So, but they also are like, you know, you know, you know, you know, cute necklace or whatever, you know, or nice, you know, you know, whatever the thing is. And I know that they may, that they don't mean it maliciously, but it's, I don't want other people to feel uncomfortable. It's weird. Being a Christian comes with its own stigma and its own stereotypes. And that's hard because there are a lot of Christians who judge people and I can't judge people. That's what it means to be Christian. So I don't associate with Christians who judge people, but I don't want to be associated with people who judge Christians.

1:06:05So it's like, how do I, I guess I'll just stand here with who I am and that's it. So that's where some of the hesitation comes in. So you mentioned two major things happened this year, dad passing away and you're going through a divorce. Yeah. does that ever make you feel or doubt what god's doing um it did you through that much pain it did it did my childhood best friend it started last year my childhood best friend is in a wheelchair as of last year last summer then my dad passes away in october then i then i then things get filed for divorce in january so it's in each time it's like okay this is the lowest and then it's like, all right, well, this is the lowest.

1:06:49But I think it's what's necessary. I think it's what was always supposed to happen for me is breaking me down. So I don't have, I don't, I am not able to outsource what it is that I need to supplement worth externally, internal locus of control.

1:07:11so right now as I sit here in a warehouse in Van Nuys this is where I feel I'm supposed to be out of the three main things that happened friend in a wheelchair dad passing away going to a divorce which one fuck marry kill which one's been the hardest oh sorry I usually don't swear edit that out Elliot sorry dude I'm sorry about all the socks comments. I usually don't swear. Oh, God. We got to pray. Let's go ahead and pray. Hey, Jack, will you pray for us, buddy? Let's bow our heads. Jack, go ahead. Take it. Go ahead. Come ahead. Oh, sorry. A truck's backing up still. Remember that? Remember when through a third of the podcast, a truck was backing up?

1:07:55Remember that? I was like, are you driving down Ventura? Look at that. It's responding. I'm being heckled while I'm criticizing it you ever talk to an audience member and they're like yeah well I just thanked it and you're like dude sir get control of your sister why are you guys on a date anyways thanks for your prayer Jack amen

1:08:21what oh yeah sorry that's how we got here I said the F Mary kill thing it was silly because he was like of the three things I don't know if you guys are listening you guys are probably just tuning out this podcast But my boy Chris over here goes, okay, of the three things that happened, your friend ended up in a wheelchair, your dad passing away, or divorce. And then I said, fuck, marry, kill. I said, fuck again. Sorry, Jack, forgive me. I said that for it again. But I thought that was a great opportunity, right? What if I switched it up? You know what I mean? Okay, kill my ex, fuck my dad, and then marry my childhood best friend.

1:08:55Dude, I know him so well. He's in a wheelchair, so I'd have to do most of the stuff. But I love the guy. You know, we played video games, Grand Theft Auto. You know what I mean? You ever hit a... You ever hit a... You punch a hooker with brass knuckles or something? And then she, like, drops money, but then she's okay. She's like, oh! And then she's still alive somehow, taking brass knuckles to the dome in Miami? Are you insane? You know? So, I don't know. I'd probably marry my best friend. Anyway, what's the question? You know the question! Oh, yeah, sorry. I answered it. Well, wait. So, so...

1:09:30Would that actually be the order of the three? What? Buck, Mary, Killed. Sorry, Jack, can you pray? Oh, man. This was almost a podcast. This was mostly comedy. Come on, guys. So as we close it out, I'm genuinely fascinated to know because it really did seem like when it rains, it pours. Out of the three, which one was the most challenging? Um...

1:10:02oh man they're all different they're all different you grieve somebody who's not here there's a little bit of closure you grieve someone that's still around it's hard especially because they have their their feelings they have their hurt and you can't change you can't change the past and you you in a weird way a divorce is almost like saying you can't change the future but this this person's going through their own set of grief. And it's like you can just account, you can take responsibility for something that has closure and something that's final, like death. But divorce is not. That person still exists, even though divorce is final.

1:10:47And then my friend, you know, I would give anything for him to be able to

1:10:57have his life back. He was a wrestler. and everything just kind of came on very fast, and that's very hard. Sometimes I'm absent. I want to be there, but I'm absent. I'm not present. It's all been hard in different ways.

1:11:18I don't know. They're all, I mean, and to watch my family suffer, to watch my mom suffer, and then grow. So that's beautiful. She's grown into being like, this is who I am without my husband.

1:11:32so it's any number of these have been hard for for different reasons um so i guess that's my answer what's the main hardest part about grieving someone that's still alive is it their emotions is it the fact that yeah divorce is final but at the same time you can still call what's the biggest challenge you grieve what was you grieve what is and you grieve what you thought it was going to be. So it's a three-pronged hurt. This is what I can't change. This is where I, right now, I could kind of, maybe, can I change this? Would I change? And would this change? Would you change? And maybe that's not going to change.

1:12:20And here's also something that is now changed. This is all off the table now. this is not what it was going to be so you are hurt from all facets of time that's what makes that one i feel the most true lynch thank you for coming on the show man i really appreciate it It's been a fun time. We've dabbled between podcaster, comedian, and I'm just, I just want to commend you for your, uh, your depth of, of ability to be able to hop in and out of so many cool little avenues and character that you've built. So I'm super grateful for you. It's great to properly connect and I appreciate you coming on.

1:13:13Thanks, man. I had so much fun. Thank you.