The Case for Prenups, and Why Young People Aren’t Getting Married — ft. James Sexton

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1:21Welcome back to Prof. G. Am Relationships in a special two-part series about love, marriage, and what it takes to make a partnership last. We're joined once again by divorce attorney and author James Sexton. Today, we'll answer your questions about sharing money in a marriage, de-escalating conflict, and why fewer young people are getting married. James, good to see you again. Good to see you, Scott. Always a pleasure. All right, let's bust into this. Question number one comes from Food Lifestyle Inc. on Instagram. Can two people have a loving, affectionate, successful marriage if they keep their money separate?

1:51James. Yeah, I think absolutely. I mean, I think, you know, there's all permutations out there. But I'm a big fan in most aspects of relationship of like the you, the me, and the we. And this kind of Venn diagram. I think the idea that if we don't have everything completely commingled all the time, that somehow it means there's a division in our relationship that's going to create distance between us. I don't think it's honest. And I don't think it's necessary. I think, you know, if it's happy for the two of you and it doesn't scare the horses, it's nobody's business. You know, I think if the two of you see, I think there's value in having some separation.

2:25I mean, if we have only joint accounts and only joint credit cards, okay, we've got full transparency. But that also means when I buy you a birthday present, you're going to see what it costs and where I bought it. And if I bought it the day before your birthday or a month in advance of your birthday, there's no privacy whatsoever. Maybe this is generational and I'll get accused because I'm Gen X of old fashioned ways of thinking. But, you know, if a woman in my life says, hey, can you get this out of my bag? I give them their bag because I was raised. You don't go in a woman's bag. You bring her and give it to her and then you take it.

2:55So I think it's the same thing. Like, I think there should be some privacy in relationship, whether it's medical autonomy, whether it's financial autonomy. There should be some level of it. But that being said, total disconnection from the finances and having everything be it's yours and mine and there is no ours. I don't think that that's necessarily healthy. But again, I don't think it's one size fits all. I think it has a lot to do with people's relationship with money individually, which has a lot to do with the way that they were raised. And it has lots of other values built into it. I mean, I find sometimes that you need to be attracted to a partner.

3:33You need to have similar values. I think the thing that people don't spend enough talking about before they enter into a long-term relationship is each of their relationship jointly and individually to money. Who is expected to make the money here? What is your approach to spending? What are your expectations around lifestyle? Who's responsible for providing that lifestyle? I think these things are – and there's data that shows that financial agitatives are the number one cause of divorce. At least that's what I've seen in my personal experience. and there's some data here. I think there's no one size fits all.

4:06It's entirely up to you. So if you're entering into a relationship where one person has a lot of assets and you do not, it's entirely fair to say, you know, there's pre-assets that go back to me if there's post-marriage and then there's stuff we do together. And then also I think, and granted, I've never had a prenup. So I'm, you know, do as I say, not as I do. But it seems to me that a prenup just makes everything much easier, such that once you're in a very ugly situation, it's like I have a contract with every major business relationship I have. And 98 % of the time, we never refer to the contract because we don't need to because it's going well.

4:47But you're smart enough to know that the worst time to learn how to fight is when you're in a fight. Like the best time to make a rule set is when there's an abundance of optimism and love between the two people. And I always tell people this idea that a prenup is in any way unromantic. Every single marriage has a prenup. It's either one that was written by the government and can be modified by the state legislature of the state in which you reside. Or it's written by you and the person you allegedly like more than the other 8 billion options in the world. Now, leave it to, like, whatever your political view, whether you're a left, right, or a raging moderate, the truth is we all at some point in the last 15 years have looked at the government and said, yeah, they don't know what the hell they're doing over there.

5:27So why would you say, I'm going to trust the rules of my relationship to a future government that I haven't had any say in yet? I think prenups are an example of two people saying, hey, this is our relationship, our rules. Let's define that rule set in a way that makes sense for the two of us. Because something you said in our last conversation, Scott, that stuck with me, is this idea of all relationships are about an exchange of value. And we've entered this moment in the world where daring to say that a relationship is an economy, you know, where like we both bring something of value. And what that might be can be totally different.

6:04Like how many apples is worth an apple? Well, that's easy. Apples to apples. But how many apples is worth a pineapple? Well, now we're having an economy. We're having a conversation about where are you in the world? Like and how prevalent are apples versus pineapples? Same thing with love. I think it'd be okay if we said, hey, I bring an abundance of resources to this relationship economically. I bring problem-solving skills to this relationship. You bring sweetness and kindness and warmth at the end of the day. What is that worth? That's a perfectly subjective, beautiful assessment. And to say, well, one of these is worth more than the other, that's a very individualized thing.

6:46There might be some people that find each of those traits to be invaluable, and there may be people that say, oh, yeah, I can do that myself. So I think it's a very personalized decision that we've just stopped talking about because the conversation feels icky, but I don't think it has to. The data is clear, though. A 2026 Harris poll found that 53 % of engaged or married Gen Z and millennials have signed a prenup. That's up from 2022, Gen Z at 41%, millennials at 34%. that prenup requests have dramatically increased and it's largely being driven by requests from women. And again, I think that's also a function of women have more economic security, bring more to the relationship economically and wanna have, what you just said is so powerful and that is we all have a prenup.

7:34It's just a question of whether someone you've never met and to hourly compensated employees who may not always have congruent incentives, You've been to the DMV. Did you walk around the DMV and go, oh, yeah, these people should be in charge of everything? Like, it's government employees. You're trusting to write the rules of your relationship. And again, at a moment, and I do a ton of—I do five, six prenups a week. The conversation is between two people that like each other literally the most. At that moment, I like you. You're my favorite person. Like, what is marriage? but the legal codification of you are my favorite person out of 8 billion options.

8:17You can't discuss with that person what value you each bring to each other. By the way, what a romantic discussion. Here's what you bring to my life. Here's the value you give to me. Here's what every day I'm so grateful of for you. Here's the pieces of you that if they went away, I would feel a hole in me for the loss. That's a beautiful conversation. Here's how I feel scared. Here's what I'm afraid of. How can I protect you from everything, including a future version of me? Like, how can we protect each other? Because you can't feel loved if you don't feel safe. And prenups are about feeling safe.

8:53Both people feeling safe. Question number two also comes from Instagram. Miss V Lady asks, every relationship experiences tension or arguments. What's your method to de-escalate? James? Wow. Oh, so I, you know, I'm a huge fan of apologies. Like in every aspect of my life, personal and professional, I'm very quick to apology because it doesn't cost anything. And most of the time there is something for me to apologize for in almost any interaction. Like, I think that there's, it's such a safe move. Like when I get on the phone with a lawyer, I have a lawyer on the other side of a case, and I've never had a case with this person.

9:30And they just come at me really hard. You know, they just come at me really aggressive. I'll immediately say, you know, I know this is our first case together, But just from the way you're coming at me, like if I said something in our initial communication that like made you feel like I didn't respect you or that we had to be like off at this kind of tone, I'm really sorry. Like, I really didn't mean to do that. Immediately, they'll go, oh, no, that's just kind of how I do things. I'm like, oh, OK. Hey, no, I won't take it personally. But I just I didn't want to think like if I say a lot of stuff, I might have said something that offended you or maybe you saw something on TikTok I said to piss you off.

10:03Like, whatever it is, I'm really sorry. I'm a big fan of being quick to apology. like real apology too, not bullshit. Like, I'm sorry you feel that way. Like real apology. Hey, listen, I know you seem very hurt right now. You're very upset at me right now. I know I didn't mean to hurt you, but anything I did that hurt you, I am profoundly sorry for because I know I didn't mean to. Like, I think there's a lot of value in being quick to apology and owning your share of whatever's going on there. Now, that's not to say you roll over on everything and you concede that everything's your fault. But I just think that when you start a conversation with, or listen, anything I did that made you feel unloved or unvalued, I'm genuinely sorry for that because I know I love you and I value you.

10:50So if I got that wrong, I apologize. How much can you escalate after that? It's really pretty hard to escalate when someone starts with an unconditional sense of, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry that we're in this position right now. I think that's so powerful. I think as a younger man, I just thought apologizing was acquiescing and connoted weakness. Me too. It just, it really is powerful. And I've figured out that if someone's upset in your life that you really care about, they might be upset for the wrong reasons. It might be something else in their life. But if they're upset, you want to immediately acknowledge you're upset.

11:31and you mean a lot to me and you're smart and, you know, as rational as or more than most people. So if you're upset, I'm inclined to think there's something wrong and I've done something wrong and I owe you an apology. And that's okay. And to the extent that I have, to the extent that I have made you feel, because it's really always about the feeling too. Like it sounds like you feel really hurt. I know I didn't mean to hurt you and anything I did that caused you hurt, I know I didn't mean to and I'm really sorry. Like that's very powerful as an opening move. And then we can get into the meat.

12:07You know, we can get into the meat and potatoes. Yeah. The nuance here is the following, and that is there's a sweet spot and there's, it took me a while to realize. I grew up with a single mother and the biggest source of tension in our household was a lack of money. And I quickly figured out that if she was happy, I was okay. If she was unhappy, I was not okay. Because there was nowhere to hide. It was just me and her. And so I grew up basically, if a dude, if a guy, a friend, whoever is not doing well, I'm like, how can I help? But then I sleep like a baby that night. I'm okay. I don't want to sound unfeeling.

12:45If a woman in my life is unhappy, I freak out. It takes me back to a very ugly place. And unfortunately, one of the real problems that I realize now with my ex was that whenever she was upset, I immediately went to managing her and de-escalating and not being open and honest about what was going on in my head. And so when we got to a point where I was then finally honest with her about some of my concerns and true feelings about the relationship, it was like a ton of bricks landing on her head. So yeah, I use humor to deescalate. I absolutely, and one of the greatest things about my partnership right now, we had a fight last night.

13:31We probably fight maybe once every couple months. At one point, at one, maybe two points in the middle of the fight, we both started laughing. And I think, I thought, you know, our relationship is going to survive. If we can, this laughing just helps so much. Yeah, I think keeping a sense of humor and connection is a huge piece. and I think also, you know, assigning good faith to what's going on there. Like, it took me so long in relationship to figure out that you can be mad at me and still love me. Like, I think having kids really taught me that in a really profound way because, you know, once they were teenagers or middle school, it was like, oh my God, I really don't like you right now, but I still love you so much.

14:12But there was a part of me that could see, like, you know what? Like, literally, you'll never meet a person in your entire life who says the best years of my life were middle school. It's just like an impossibly difficult time. But it doesn't change the fact that, you know, like, yeah, I love you, but like, oh my God, I kind of can't stand you right now. And I feel like in a deep loving relationship, nobody teaches you. Like I grew up feeling very much like, oh, if mom was happy, then I'm doing a good job. If mom's mad at me, I got something really wrong. And again, like love was tied to achievement.

14:44And I think that of course, it's impossible not to create that dynamic when your kids do things, you're so proud of you, you know, you want to praise them. But it does create this connection between successes and accomplishments and love as opposed to just being, look, I love you because I love you. You can fail and I love you. You can fail and I'll be proud of you that you tried. And I think there's something really beautiful about the ability, even in the middle of the fight, to just go, hey, you know, whether it's a laugh or whether it's to say, hey, look, we're in this right now and I totally disagree with you and you totally disagree with me.

15:15you know I love you, right? Like, you know I love you. Like, I remember saying to my scowling son at one point, like, I know you love me and I know you know I love you. I'm mad at you right now. And by the way, you're at an age now where if you don't hate me once in a while, it means I'm a terrible father. So you're going to hate me sometimes. And I want you to know I'm comfortable with that. And I still love you. And I still know you love me. And I think there's something to be said for like, let's call that time out and just point out that, hey, guys, we're in this. I love you i'm mad at you but i love you yeah i do um i do think there is absolutely a sweet spot in between de-escalating being willing to apologize but don't do what i did and that is say anything to de-escalate and manage the relationship and never never really express your true emotions because you just want out of that temporary conflict okay we'll be right back after a quick break.

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19:53Welcome back. Question number three comes from Research Daily. Number one reason why young people aren't getting married today. Hmm. Wow. I mean, there's a lot to dig into here. Yeah, I was going to say, I think that's like, you know, Middle East, how should we solve it? Like, oh, that'd be easier. Yeah, I think there's a lot. I mean, I think there's some very basic economic reasons. I think, you know, the prospect for young people, you know, immediately getting out of college, I think it's very challenging right now for them to be able to envision a future where they have economic independence and the autonomy that they can, you know, meet a partner and have a place to live together and have some semblance of, you know, moving forward in life.

20:35I think that's challenging in these economic conditions. And I do think that is different. I mean, you've talked plenty about this, and I think it's absolutely true in terms of the disparity in wealth, you know, for young people versus the boomers and above. I also think that it's been sold now relationship as almost a form of weakness that you've, you know, you've given into traditional gender roles, that you've given into, you know, any kind of deep connection with another person means you're untethered from connection to yourself. I think that's just such a load of bullshit. I mean, I just feel like, you know, relationship, like, I can't learn everything I need to know about myself from myself.

21:14And the suggestion that I could is, I think, a form of insane hubris. I think we need each other very much. And I think there's something really beautiful about saying, I can't see my blind spots. That's why I need relationship in my life is because they're blind spots because I can't see them. And having someone there who's cheering for you is just about the greatest thing in the world. I think, pairing back to what we talked about last episode, I think that's why being dismissive and disrespectful of your partner is so brutal. Look, even constructive criticism is still criticism. Like the world is just constantly critiquing us and we're critiquing ourselves.

21:49if there was a person in my life who talked to me the way I talk to myself, I would have beat the crap out of him long ago. You know, from the minute I wake up, I'm, what are you doing? Get out of it. Come on. What are you, get to the gym. What are you doing? You can't do that anymore. Like I'm constantly criticizing myself. And then the world is constantly antagonistic at us. So having somebody who's just cheering for you is just about the warmest, most wonderful thing. And I think it's why we want it so badly. But we've created this, you know, algorithmic enragement engagement where, you know, it's better to talk about all the things people are doing wrong in relationship.

22:25And if you talk about how wonderful your relationship is, it becomes a sort of flex that's super uncool and no one wants to hear it. You know, if somebody says, oh my God, I just started dating this new guy and here's all the reasons he's so wonderful. Everybody wants to hear about it, but it's like, oh my God, my husband of last 10 years is so wonderful. Everybody's like, shut up already, you know, because there is something about long-term coupling that we as a culture have started to feel like, oh yeah, this is not something a person should be proud of, their ability to maintain connection over an extended period of time.

22:58Whereas we fetishize newness and novelty and like the early days. Look, you know, if Jack and Rose on the Titanic, if he had lived, you know, Leonardo DiCaprio's character had lived, eventually she would have been like, all right, when are you going to get a job and stop painting the French girls? Like, what's going on here, buddy? Like, thank God there wasn't room on that door for him. Because fundamentally, that relationship ended before it could turn into the slings and arrows of daily life for human beings. That's the stuff we have to recognize is the nuts and bolts of relationship. And that's the stuff that we actually really want, if we're honest with ourselves.

23:37It's not super sexy, though. It's the day-to-day life of two people connecting to each other. Yeah, the scale here is really dramatic. In 1980, 90 % of 35-year-old men had been married. Now it's 60%. And roughly a third of today's young adults are projected to never marry. And I always go to the economics. I think about this stuff a lot, and it is multidimensional. But if you were to try and pick one thing, the causal evidence would point to the decline or the economic decline of the American male. Economists point to the China trade shock, and that is when manufacturing jobs vanished and men's earnings fell, marriage and fertility fell right along with it.

24:19And that is, look, 78 % of women's state economic viability is key to a mate. It's only 25 % of men. So when young men are less economically and emotionally viable, there's just going to be less partnering. In addition, women are stepping up and their criteria are increasing, which is understandable. And also they're not as economically indentured or panicked and feel like they've got to enter into a mediocre or a bad marriage. You also have very basic mundane things. There's fewer venues for them to meet and approach each other and for the man to demonstrate excellence. 70 to 80 percent of couples that have been together longer than 30 years say one was more interested than the other in the beginning, and it was usually the male, but the male was, you know, he was so kind to his parents at church, I fell in love with him.