The Relationship Habit That Makes You Unhappy + Living Far From Aging Parents

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1:34Scott Galloway:Welcome to Office Hours with Prop G. Today, we're revisiting some of our favorite questions about relationships. Let's bust right into it. Question number one comes from Reddit. Aria1010 asks, I've heard you mention keeping scorecards in relationships and friendships. My question is how and why you decided to stop keeping scorecards and what helped change your mindset? Thanks for the question. Yeah, this was specific or situational or had to do with one relationship and that is the relationship with my father. When I was eight years old, my mom came home. My mom just disappeared for a couple of weeks and my dad didn't tell me why.

2:06It was the seventies. You know, I remember being on the couch watching the Partridge family. It's like my mom's been gone for two weeks and I just started sobbing uncontrollably on my dad's like, what's wrong? I'm like, where's mom? Where's mom? I just like dawned on me that mom's not around. And my dad, I remember it was the first time I ever saw my dad like fear in his eyes. Like he didn't know what to do and how to handle an eight-year-old like sobbing uncontrollably on his couch. I think that's when he decided that my mom should come get me. And a few days later, my mom showed up and said, pack your stuff, we're leaving.

2:30This wasn't exactly a Brene Brown, Estere Perel, like childcare. And said, you know, we got to be out of here in 15 minutes. And I'm like, 15 minutes? I can't pack my, it's just like, we need to get out of here. Dad's going to be home soon. I don't know if she was kidnapping me or just want to see my dad. I don't know what the fuck was going on. He was eight years old. And as is often the case, well, because my mom was taking care of me, I had a tendency to sanctify her and demonize my dad. and my dad didn't make our lives very nice. He was so extraordinarily cheap that we struggled economically.

2:59And that is, as soon as my parents split, my dad went on to be upper middle class and my mom and I immediately dove to the lower middle class, which was hard. And it wasn't that it was hard on me. Kids don't really need a lot of money. I was able, you know, 35 cents and Aba Zaba bar and a Schwinn bike and you kind of got everything you need. We didn't have streaming media or iPhones, but it was very hard on my mom. And when you're the only child, especially I think the only boy, you just absorb their anxiety. I remember my mom like coming home And my mom was like on the floor sobbing because the vacuum cleaner had broken.

3:28I'm like, well, we can get a fix. And she's like, we don't have the money to get it fixed. And I was like, you're fucking nine years old. And you're like, okay, what can I do? Get a paper route to get the vacuum fixed? So that economic anxiety that was a direct result of my dad being such a bastard, quite frankly, because he could have helped us, made me resent him. And it stuck with me. As I got older, again, in college, I had no money, constantly stressed, constantly broke. dad could have helped me and the bottom line is he didn't. And so I was resented him for that. And now having said that, my dad was a kick in the ass.

3:58My dad was a ton of fun, funny, nice, smart. He did love me. He would make an effort. He'd be in town and he would take me to movies and stuff. So he did try. And when my mom passed away, I kind of, I think my resentment towards him grew and I would go months and I think one time a year without speaking to him. And he didn't really know what was going on, but didn't have the presence to try and figure it out. And then I just sort of decided that I wanted to have my father in my life and that I decided to focus on the good things. And rather than having a scorecard and thinking, okay, he did X amount, he gave me X amount of love.

4:30I'm only going to give him X amount of love. I said, well, what kind of son do I want to be? And the reality is I wanted to be a loving, generous son. And I was going to hold myself to that standard and just put away the scorecard. And that was such an enormous unlock for me because I think about what kind of boss do I want to be? If I pay someone more than they're earning, I don't, I used to think younger, that pisses me off. They worked here for a year. I paid them a shit ton of money and they added no fucking value. I hate that person. Now it's like, if you are a boss and people get more out of working for you than maybe you get out of them or you pay them above market, that's a win.

4:59That's a victory. If you're a better spouse to your, if it is really hard for your spouse to figure out ways to be as good to you as you are to them, that's a win. That's the whole fucking shooting match. That's what it means to have kids. I hope at some point my kids level up what I've done for them. It's going to take a while. I've invested a lot of my kids. I always tell them your negative surplus value. So approaching relationships from the mindset of always wanting to have surplus value and say, okay, what kind of boyfriend do I want to be? What kind of son do I want to be? What kind of employer do I want to be?

5:26What kind of investor do I want to be? I used to get mad at CEOs at companies I invest in lost money. Now I'm like, no, I want to be a magnanimous, generous, supportive person. I've been on the board of a lot of companies I'm investing in where they fucked up and lost all my money. And I try to be now like, it's no problem. You're going to get back up. This is great. I went into this eyes wide open. Well done. Let me help you raise money for your next thing. That's the kind of guy I want to be. And I wasn't always that way. So decide what kind of person in every relationship, what kind of role do you want to play?

5:52And then hold yourself to that standard and put away the score card because the score card is incorrect. It's not accurate. And you'll always be unhappy. Having said that, don't be a doormat. I shed relationships all the time. On a regular basis, I decide I'm just not getting a lot out of this relationship and I do a slow fade. Is that wrong? Well, that's what I do. But just decide what kind of person you want to be in the relationship and hold yourself to that standard and just don't measure. Put the measuring stick and the scorecard away. You're just going to be much happier. Question number two.

6:22Hey, Prof. G. This is a question about balancing career and personal pursuits with the responsibilities of being a good son. My brother and I both live in major cities far away from our aging parents. While we've benefited from city living, I feel guilty about the distance, especially with my father's declining health. My parents would never ask us to move. They don't want that for us. Moreover, they seem committed for staying for financial and social reasons. But I don't see how this works as they age and as they need more support. What advice would you offer young men who have chosen to live far from aging parents but worry about responsibilities that they hold as sons?

6:59Scott Galloway:Look, this is a tough one. And my general sense is it sounds like your parents have each other. It sounds like they're doing pretty well. And it sounds like you are benefiting from living where you are. So my gut is that as you get older, they're going to get sicker. And at some point, you and your brother are going to have to be pretty involved in their lives. And I'm not saying this is the right way, but this is my way. And it's two different sides of the coin. I was much closer to my mother than my father. My mother raised me on her own. I was her top priority. you know, it was me and her against the world.

7:37Scott Galloway:So when she got sick, I actually moved in with my mom. I took nine months leave of absence from NYU. I was fortunate. I had some money, some resources, and I had the ability. And I moved into a seniors community, the Del Webb Active Living Community. True story. They sent a letter to my mom's house saying it's become clear you're cohabitating with a man under the age of 50 in violation of HOA Del Webb community rules. And I had to go down there and say, I'm her son. She's dying of cancer. And I've moved in to help take care of her. And they said, we're sorry, no problem. Anyways. And during the day, let's get this back to me.

8:11Scott Galloway:During the day, I would manage my mom. It was her third time with cancer. She said, I said, all right, what do you want? What's your bucket list? She said, I only have one thing on my bucket list. I want to die at home. And I'm like, okay, I can think I can figure that out. So during the day I would manage her healthcare, a nurse. There's certain things I just can't do for my mom. And at night, I would head down to the strip. She lived in a suburb of Las Vegas called Summerlin, and I would party with entrepreneurs and strippers and get really shitty drunk and sometimes spend the night on the strip at a cheap hotel during the week for 49 bucks.

8:43Scott Galloway:And then the next day I'd go back and hang out with my mom all day and watch jeopardy and take her on walks and push her wheelchair And watch everyone loves raymond and then go out again Um kind of a weird time in my life kind of a weird time And then uh, when those that thing resolved I then started my life again and that is something That I would treasure the rest of my life that I had made enough money had enough flexibility to give my mom like a fraction of the love back she had given me. That was, I will treasure that for the rest of my life. You know, these are again, very personal questions, but some people, their reason for being, their center of gravity is family and they wanna be around their family.

9:24Scott Galloway:And if that's the case, okay, make those sacrifices. But if you're doing well, especially in a city, you mentioned the term city living. Two thirds of all economic growth is gonna be in one of 20 super cities. And what I tell young people is if you want to be economically secure, you got to get to a city. Or if you want to be in the top 10%, much less the top 1 % of economic security or influence, you got to be in a city. And if you're just an economic animal, which I was in my 20s, 30s, and 40s, get to the biggest city in your country, get to a super city. And that's where you make your career.

9:56Scott Galloway:That's where you find opportunities. You're just in a room of opportunities all the time when you're in a city. Long-winded way of saying the following. My gut is your parents are doing well and they have each other. My gut is you are benefiting, based on what you said, from being in a city, which says to me, there's no reason you can't be close to your parents now and kill it professionally, personally, and emotionally, sticking where you are, knowing that at some point you're going to have to be more involved in their lives and that mental and economic wellness that you will accrete by that point will help you do a better job with a reduction in the amount of stress that is naturally part of the process when they get really old.

10:38Scott Galloway:In sum, I'd probably stick where you are. And finally, I don't know all the nuance of the situation, so I'd have very open and honest conversations with your brother and friends or people who understand the situation and can better advise you. I very much appreciate the question. And the fact that you're even thinking this way means you're a good son. It means your parents are good people or did a good job with you. We'll be right back after a quick break.

11:2899.9 % of grease, leaving your dishes sparkling clean. And the new convenient pump makes cleaning even easier, so you can spend less time tackling dishes and more time together. Shop now at palmolive.com. When you need to build up your team to handle the growing chaos at work, use Indeed Sponsored Jobs. It gives your job post the boost it needs to be seen and helps reach people with the right skills, certifications, and more. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a$75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com slash podcast.

12:04That's indeed.com slash podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need a hiring hero? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fruit Snacks. Back to school season can be tough on parents, but choosing a snack you and your kids can both get behind doesn't have to be. Stock up on Welch's Fruit Snacks, made with whole fruit, and now made with no artificial dyes. It's a snack kids already love and one you can feel good about giving them. Go back to school with Welch's Fruit Snacks, now made with no artificial dyes.

12:44Scott Galloway:Welcome back. Question number three comes from CM14 on Reddit. How have your social relationships evolved as your financial success and fame grew? And have you been able to maintain core friendships over the years? How do you share your success and celebrate your wins with friends and family and not make them feel uncomfortable or awkward? So my therapy is I talk to friends almost every night and also something, a best practice, which I only took up about 15, 20 years ago, which I wish I'd started earlier. I now don't make any significant decision personally, professionally, economically without speaking to people because I have found that no matter how smart you are, it is impossible to read the label from inside of the bottle.

13:22Scott Galloway:and you just benefit so much from having a kitchen cabinet and talking through things with friends. And even if you decide to ignore their advice and make a stupid decision, I find just talking through stuff that's bothering me or upsetting me with people who care about me and are objective and will push back on me and say when I'm wrong or supportive but honest, if you will, is really helpful for my own mental health. I guess it's a form of therapy. In terms of how friendships have evolved or not evolved. The answer you want to give is, you know, friendship is friendship and money hasn't changed things.

13:55Scott Galloway:I have sort of two buckets of friends or three kind of family friends or acquaintances from way back when. And then I have my college friends, my fraternity friends, and then I have friends I've sort of collected along the way. And the easy ones are the friends you collect along the way are usually you're in the same ecosystem. And that is, there are also people who have a certain level of success or also kind of grinding or living in New York, whatever it might be. But you're kind of all in the same weight class. And that is, it doesn't matter if you're worth a hundred million or a million, as long as you're kind of wealthy, you're all sort of in the same weight class, if you will.

14:31Scott Galloway:And then there's my fraternity friends, and most of them are successful. They are, I was in a fraternity that It was essentially a bunch of wealthy Jewish kids from the valley at UCLA, ZBT. And most of them went to graduate school, a few doctors, some entrepreneurs. And to the one, they're almost all either successful or very successful. So that doesn't come up. I will say that with some of my older friendships of people where you have maybe more time in common and then overlap in terms of your life today, that the disparity in economic power is apparent and can be sometimes uncomfortable. I try to be just very self-aware that I was born on third base and not evaluate people based on their economic success.

15:27Scott Galloway:I do believe in America, if you're hardworking and have your shit together, you're gonna achieve a certain level of economic success. I think any dude who is male and white and born in the 60s or 70s, if you're decent to good at what you do, you should have a certain level of economic sustainability. But those who aren't super successful, you realize a lot of that, a lot of your super success or their lack thereof is really more a function of being in the right place at the right time. If you are this successful, you have a debt. You have a debt to help other people have as many opportunities to try and bask in the same sunlight and the same glow and the same luck or have the same opportunities to get lucky that you had.

16:11Scott Galloway:If this sounds like a fucking word salad and I don't know the answer here, trust your instincts. Anyways. That's all for this episode. If you'd like to submit a question, please email a voice recording to officehoursofproptmedia.com. that's officehours of Prop2Media.com or if you prefer to ask on Reddit just post your question on the Sky Calloway subreddit and we might feature it in an upcoming episode. This episode was produced by Jennifer Sanchez and Laura Janair. Kami Rika is our social producer. Brad Williams is our editor. And Drew Burrows is our technical director. Thank you for listening to the Prop2Pod from Prop2Media.

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