Simon Cowell vs The Taliban

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1:25Tron Aries has arrived. it's now.

1:56yeah nitro nitro absolutely i mean harry that's it that's his real name as we all know now know from from strictly um when he carried me on his shoulder in the royal albert hall for the entire length of the gladiators theme tune yeah i realized that he could protect me in any way yeah in any way you were very much the the tater swift of that piece i believe i was the principal in the technical parlance of security protection. Well, you're still here. So he did a good job. Loads of other Tom Hardy has been suggested. Damson Idris from F1 and lots of other things as well. No? He's shorter than Lewis Hamilton.

2:37I mean, she's going to tower over him with or without the glittery boots. How tall is Taylor Swift? I can never judge how tall people are because everybody in the world looks 5 '7 to me. It doesn't matter if you're 6 '4". I don't think that's a bad shout. Out in the boots, taller. I don't know I actually don't know the answer to that question okay David Corrin Sweat I mean why haven't they re-knowned him but no I like this I would like because I would watch Channing Tatum oh yeah Channing Tatum could do it for you yeah no question Channing Tatum and Taylor Swift as well that's a good combo she needs someone that she can because she's not an experienced actor she needs someone who's very generous yeah okay yeah yes he'd be good Pattinson don't be stupid um oh okay yeah uh right who else people suggested daniel craig i mean that he's he let me i can assure you now he's not going to say yes but there would be something slightly hilarious about it but no yeah i like jodie coma i think is a great idea as a bodyguard wow well that is a whole different motion picture but don't you think i'd watch that so would anyone yeah jodie jodie coma and taylor swift okay well that is jumped off the reservation and i love it so yes yes to that it's a hard yes ryan gosling don't be stupid henry cavill oh i mean he no one can make him happen for me i don't know why it's just never gonna happen with henry cavill they keep trying god people are obsessed i'm comfortable he's associated with the snide of us um yeah that's why you're comfortable yeah no he he's he's nothing to me jack loudon oh yeah yeah i think there's nothing jack loudon can't do there's nothing yeah i'm enjoying him in slow horses i think i think he's the beating heart of slow horses yeah we love jack laden and everything maybe he'll be james bond we don't know but yeah i would love it i would love it i tell you what if we go there and get a result i would love that he's got to go to barbara brockley and get something oh no she's not it's not her anymore he's got to go to amazon and get something james norton it's not for him um erin taylor johnson erin taylor johnson he could do it but won't yeah uh my favorite suggestion i think the bodyguard but Muppets Taylor Swift is the only human Miss Piggy is the jealous sister I would love Taylor to work with the Muppets by the way we're doing a bonus episode on tomorrow for our members best Muppet to be a bodyguard which who's the best one yeah Fuzzy Bear I think no animal just completely unpredictable that's interesting yeah but you don't want your bodyguard to be completely unpredictable maybe you do well yes hey actually when you think about it maybe you do maybe you do I was on Saturday Kitchen last week plug in the book and the guys from pizza pilgrims other pizza restaurants are available but uh they look like hipsters but were really nice the pizza pilgrims well fancy that no but when i looked when you first see them you think okay this could go either way and they were so lovely but one of them i forget i think tom used to work in television so he used to be a runner and he said and when i was a runner i started with one other runner at the same time and i'm thinking that poor other runner is just thinking oh my god the guy i started with is now running pizza pilgrims making a fortune but the runner he started with was sam wrench the guy who's directing the bodyguard who directed the taylor swift eras movie and many many other constant things besides so imagine that on your first day two runners one of them's running pizza pilgrims the other one did taylor swift's eras tour my god what was the company did you find out no i should have done shouldn't i but whoever looked at those cvs must be some kind of genius yeah anyway right please we have questions what i know right i have a question for you marina from craig walker craig says on a recent trip to italy all right craig someone's doing well um my wife and i were holed up in our hotel room on a rainy day on lake garda beautiful lovely just being able to watch television you can't go outside because it's raining great oh my god that's the dream it's my favorite thing on holiday not having to go out um to pass the time we had the italian version of the food network playing on the tv yeah on one of the shows the rest is entertainment theme music played over the preparation for one of the recipes i had assumed the theme music had been created specifically for the podcast who makes stock music and how lucrative is it is there anything put in place to stop two successful shows potentially using the same music at the same time well when i spoke to the powers that be a goal hanger they were like it's really sweet that he thought that we might have commissioned our own music for each individual podcast but like all the other goal hanger podcasts the music we have is library music um and i'm going to come on at the end to why we like that particular bit because they did give us a big choice of ones yeah there's nothing in place to stop two shows using the same music and quite often people at goal hanger hear the various theme tunes being used elsewhere they've been in episodes of bargain hunt gillette adverts um but the best you can hope for really i think isn't that nobody noticed i think the best you can hope for is that you do notice and think wow what was that playing over the branding you know making the ricotta pasta or whatever it was funnily enough it's always sunny in philadelphia that it uses library theme music um and as you know i mean i can't remember how many series they're up to but it's a huge number 17 yeah um and that's called temptation sensation and it's by a german composer called heinz kiesling and that's gone in millions of things it's been in spongebob squarepants it's been in rupaul's drag well that's the thing if you use library music then you do not own it the composer still owns it so the composer can use it wherever they want which is the lovely thing about if you are a composer doing library music is firstly you can knock out 30 or 40 different things if you've got like a week when you're not doing anything you can do all this stuff it exists in in various libraries you can sell that over and over and over again you get some of the money the library gets some of the money but it can it's one of those things that just kind of keeps ticking over and keeps making you money it takes a while to tick over people who do this will say because you have the way it's done it's you have to go through publishers then you have to apply when it's been used and it's a they think it takes about three years for it to slightly come on stream but when it does come on stream you're on stream anyway the music for the rest of the entertainment i remember we were when we first started doing it they sent us lots of different ones that we could choose from and i really like this one i don't know what possibly a false memory of i dream of genie theme tunes but it reminded me of those kind of supernatural sitcoms can we play it now by the way just so people i know people hear at the start and end of each one let's remind ourselves of it the reason i chose well i was like i really want it to be that one was because i thought it was slightly humorously ridiculous it reminded me of those sort of supernatural sitcoms of the 60s, American sitcoms like Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie.

9:21As you know, Richard, my dream is, could I come down a sweeping staircase in floor length carrying a martini to it? In the answer, this one, absolutely. The answer is yes. Being carried by Nitro. Yeah, being carried by Nitro. Yeah, and me carrying the martini. Who's being more heroic, I have to ask you. And I just also thought it was quite light entertainment because I felt like when we were starting this, I thought, you know, we're not trying to be prime minister here. Not that there's anything wrong with that. There was a sort of knowingness and a twinkle to it that I thought was fun. Now, that music is called, it's called Living Style.

9:52It's by Tim Garland, who is an extraordinary guy. He's won a Grammy, Tim Garland. He's worked with Chick Corea. He's worked with Bill Bruford. He's worked with Ronnie Scott. So I remember when we were shown the list of things, there's some big names who make library music and do, one hopes, very nicely out of it as well. But yeah, that's Tim Garland's Living Style. But yeah, we immediately thought. It was so jolly. Yeah. The pointless theme music is used for an Australian shampoo commercial as well. Is it? Yeah, so I often get messages from Australia saying, hey, hold on a minute. Why is your theme tune being used?

10:29Big shampoo owes you a check. And that's by Mark Silvian. And that, I think, was a commission. I don't think that is library music. But either way, he's getting double bubble, which is the nice thing about doing library music. Double bubble, nice. Because you can get double bubble. it'd also be a really good name it's really worth going on any of these music library catalogues because the names are my favourite bit, they all have to give these things names and like horses they soon run out. Or nail varnishes nail varnish colours are my favourite naming it but thank you to Tim Garland because that's such a great piece of music and he's done stuff for the Northern Symphonia and BBC Orchestra and all sorts of people so he can this is very much below his pay grade yeah he can he can do absolutely but we love it so thank you but thank you tim for uh for the pleasure you bring us right richard question for you from stewart davis who says it felt at the time that winning x factor during those peak years might actually have been a hindrance as from my understanding you were whisked away to america to record an album with psycho that's simon cowl's record label and away from the spotlight while the runners-up were not so burdened and could release music much quicker was this a false memory or is there some data to back it up yeah stuart when i saw your question i thought oh yes because i sort of that feels right to me as well that idea that actually winning is not the best thing you can do so thank you for letting me go into the annals and do a bit of statistical research and i have i have an actual answer for you i just looked at x factor contestants had number one singles and number one albums it's 43 in all x factor contestants who at various points have had a number one single and a number one album.

12:04The lowest anyone's finished and still got to number one is sixth. And Ella Henderson finished sixth. And Ella Henderson's had a huge hit single. She had a number one album as well, Ella Henderson. But she's the only one. No one's ever finished lower than sixth and had a number one. Fifth, there's only one number one single, but it's an absolute cracker. That's Chico. It's Chico time. So he finished fifth, had a number one single. I looked at his follow-ups. His third follow-up, which didn't crack the top 40, was called Curvy Coca-Cola Bottle Body. And I had a little listen to it, and it is exactly what you would expect.

12:43Tilly Oilers came fifth, but has not bothered the number one chart. Rylan. See, it's not all just about selling records. No. You see, that's the thing. So finishing fifth, we have Chico and Rylan. It often used to feel like you were competing for the chance to get dropped by Simon Cowell in one year's time. Exactly that. And listen, that's a special thing. That's showbiz. isn't it fourth place we have two number one singles when we get to third second and first by the way that's where the big hitters come in but sixth fifth and fourth got edda henderson chico and ryden fourth place two number one singles diana vickers oh yeah had a number one and shere lloyd swagger jagger oh yeah was uh both of which it sounds like you absolutely adore from your oh yeah well no i mean bless them but yeah now people who finish third okay this is where One Direction come into the mix.

13:30And I've had to really just take One Direction by themselves. I can't go into all the solo stuff, because then essentially it's, you know, is it better to be Harry Styles or anyone else? And it's better to be Harry Styles than anyone else. But people who finished third, four number one singles, five number one albums. Four of those number one singles and four of those number one albums were from One Direction. Okay, so the fact that they finished third, means it scores fairly well. The one album that was number one by third place finisher that wasn't One Direction, Journey South. Oh, yeah. Remember Journey South?

14:08I've completely forgotten that. Two brothers from the North East. I loved it. Because I used to love the Journey South and Same Differences in the early days of X Factor. I always went for the band. Same difference, God. That's come out of a moment. Yeah, Two Shoes. Yeah. That was my stuff. So second place. So at the moment, I mean, we've got four and five there, so nine number ones, really, if you come third. If you come second, we have 18 number ones. Crikey. 18 number ones, nine singles, nine albums. The nine singles are all JLS and Olly Murs. So JLS and Olly Murs finishing second, really, really, he has ramped up finishing second.

14:50So nine singles, the nine albums, so JLS and Olly Murs have had number one albums. Attila, who else has had number one albums? G4 oh yeah remember that the four guys who sang sort of I've not thought about these people since you know a year after they departed well get ready Ray Quinn oh god yeah had a number one album and Jermaine Douglas oh yeah also had a number one album by the way there's only ever been one number one from anyone who's ever on The Voice and that was Becky Hill and I think she finished about ninth so weird yeah So 18 we have there. Now, winners. So I'm not even going to count the sort of one-off number ones, you know, like the Leon Jacksons and Ben Haynaus, who had an automatic number one.

15:36So even leaving that out, winning is the best thing you can do. We got 23 number ones. We got 13 number one singles. Leona Lewis, James Arthur, people like that. By the way, there's more than 13 number one singles, but I'm not counting the, you know, that's my goals of this world. Bleeding Love, massive worldwide hit for Leona Lewis, Unstoppable massive worldwide number one hit for James Arthur, ten number one albums, Little Mix of course, Leona Lewis, James Arthur number one albums Steve Brookstein had a number one album, Shane Ward had a number one album and Sam Bailey had a number one album as well, so you've got 18 number ones if you finish second, you've got nine if you finish third, but if you finish first we have 23 number ones and that's not even including the cheating number ones of those.

16:24So what you're saying is false memory. False memory, yeah. False memory. But I had the same false memory as Stuart. But I think essentially it's, if you finish top, it's very, very good news. Apart from that, if you are JLS, Olly Murs, or One Direction, it's very good news. But finishing... Who haven't struggled. Who have not struggled. But finishing top is what you want to do on the X Factor, it turns out. Shall we go to an advert? I think you need to rest after that. That was quite a lot. Oh, I enjoyed it. And after these adverts, we're going to be talking, of course, about Thomas Pynchon and Strictly Come Dancing.

16:56Yeah. That's very us. Guess which one of us is talking about which? I've got some things to say about Strictly as well. Oh, I've got some things to say about Thomas Pynchon. See you after the break.

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18:14Welcome back, everyone. Leticia Edwards has a question for you, Marina. She says, my husband is obsessed with Thomas Pynchon, the author, and can't wait for his next book to be released in October. But how does he keep his anonymity? And she's talking about Thomas Pynchon there, not her husband. It's really fascinating, isn't it? Can you tell us who Thomas Pynchon is, by the way, because he keeps his anonymity so well. Thomas Pynchon is one of the great American authors whose, I guess, his biggest book is Gravity's Rainbow, but he's rather like J.D. Salinger or various others, but those two of them are kind of, I guess, the most famous.

18:47And he's also the author of Vineland, which is brilliant. And actually, One Battle After Another, the new Paul Thomas Anderson film with Leonardo DiCaprio that's just come out is based on that. And he's also, he's one of the great gods of American literature. I mean, a critical, absolute darling, one of the kind of greatest writers of a generation. They're always referred to as recluses because they didn't have, in the case of Salinger who's dead, didn't have any public profile. They're not doing Saturday Kitchen. They're not doing Saturday Kitchen, but, you know, would love to watch it. It's really interesting.

19:21We do actually know things about Thomas Pynchon. And, you know, he lives in Manhattan. He's married to a literary agent. He's said to be very kind of sociable in company. But so there's not, I wouldn't say it's a conspiracy, but there's a consensus that people don't want to sort of out him and say who he is or take photos of him or whatever. But as a result, incredible sort of folklore has attached itself to him over the years. People used to say it was the Unabomber and things like that. I mean, no, but really, you know, and there have been all sorts of conspiracies, but people used to try and go to where J.D.

19:52Salinger lived. There's a photo of him and you can't tell whether he's about to hit the camera or whether he's almost like shielding his face, like almost like something from the birds, almost like a still from the birds. There's photos like that where it's so obvious that people don't want to be photographed. For me, it's like outing someone now. It's like we know that that's something that no one would do. Do you know, Thomas Pynchon, I once had a message sent via someone to me about something that he thought about something about my writing. It was sort of it. And I was like. Was it strongly anti?

20:22Absolutely hated it. Hated it. Like a really, absolutely drive by, but via proxy. You were like, Thomas, I get enough of this at home. Yeah. But I said, oh, my goodness. And then I heard much more about how he lives. And I thought it was very interesting. So it's a sort of, it's like an open secret thing. but I definitely think you couldn't be that way if you came of age now as a writer in the age of the social media you know all writers I speak to so many young writers and what publishers have said to them even is yeah but do you have a sort of social media presence can I say something about that because it's I read it a lot and do you think it's a nonsense I think I think publishers definitely say it yeah I think publishers definitely saying oh no you really need to put yourself out there you need to connect with people You do not.

21:09And publishing needs to get its head out of its backside on this one because it doesn't work for anybody. It just doesn't work. Maybe it worked five years ago, ten years ago. It doesn't work. What works is going around the country, going signing books, book clubs, stuff like that, meeting real people in real life. You don't have to sell that many books that social media is all that useful. What you need to do is get out there, meet people, show people your work. That's the thing you need to do. And if a publisher says to you, you need to have more of a profile, one of two things, either that's their excuse because they didn't like the book.

21:44That's absolutely fine. Everyone needs one. Or you say to them from me, if it's helpful, you are 10, this is 10 years ago thinking, you have to stop thinking this way and you have to start building writers careers in different ways. You have to stop relying on them to do the work that you are getting paid to do. You know, that's what publishers are supposed to do. publishers are supposed to break you in different ways and find and the amount of times they would just say oh could you do this could you do this you think no you do it could you do it so i just wrote a book yeah because otherwise i'll just self-publish you know i couldn't agree more and there's many other things but it's become an absolute truism now and if a publisher is saying it to you there's sort of a point which is you have to put yourself out there for sure you have to make contacts but that is not via instagram or x or any of those things you know that's that's a that's a 10 years ago thought of how you're supposed to do these things and i think you could be thomas pinchon these days but the one thing you do have to do is make just make sure that you are connecting with readers in some way if you're young and people know you're young i'm not sure you could be thomas pinchon and i tell you why because i i do think that the whole idea so much of the modern and the young internet now i mean it's it is what it is is about sleuthing and it's about sort of trying to put one thing together with another and work out the answer everything's an easter egg yeah and but elena ferrante would be a very good example okay of one of the biggest authors in the world who who goes under a pseudonym and you know there's lots of people have views as to who they are but uh you know i think i think it's doable you know Banksy gets away with it.

23:22Well I don't think Banksy does and I think Banksy has been outed lots of time but there's a reason for that because I think certain type of people think this is criminal damage and I'm just going to try and out the person. And they also think there's a sort of dissonance between what they perceive to be his sort of middle classery and what he's doing which they perceive to be some sort of street level. I like Banksy. But you can see why newspapers would have set out to kind of capture him. But that's the lovely thing is newspapers have told us who banks he is many times. And it's indicative of the fact that no one reads the newspapers.

23:56No one still knows the answer. It's still a secret. He was still written to us saying, who is he? Yeah, exactly. People still say to me, who is the banker on Deal or No Deal? I mean, he's been outed like 12 times. I mean, we said his name. Do you have the website Google.com? So many times. That's the fun thing is you're still an enigma to almost everybody. except i do think that there's something that social media has done has just turned everyone into a knock and people are all because yes it is they've they have it's so suitable and it's so useful for the tech companies to have completely downgraded privacy as anything remotely idealistic and the result is what we have now where you know all sorts of things um have suffered as a result of this not least iq or whatever but it's people are trying people are constantly trying to catch people out or to expose someone who's not who they say they are.

24:53And everyone is a sort of horrible kind of keyboard narc. And that's something that they've ushered in. So I actually think it would be quite hard. If you were writing a zeitgeisty novel of the type that Thomas Pynchon was writing when he was in, you know, when he sort of exploded onto the scene, I'm sorry, I think that people would now, if you manage, maybe those books don't exist anymore. Maybe they're not books anymore. maybe they're short form videos who knows but people would try and track down who you were because that's what they do maybe but i honestly if there's one takeaway it's if you're an author and a publisher says to you you need the social media presence please tell them that you don't yes i that's i i absolutely concur with that yeah to the entertainment behemoth that is strictly lotty blacklock has written in to say yeah very good me and my partner watched the strictly launch show and one of the professionals said i knew it as their celebrity walked through the door do they know who will be on the show before this reveal i can't help but think some professionals may not know who the celebrity is if they just walked through the door or are they all frantically googling who tom skinner is drawing water breaks uh thank you lot yes they they do know because there is always a meetup before the partnerships are chosen all of the celebrities and all of the professional dancers will have a day together or a morning together afternoon where they meet the various couples are tried out you see who dances with who and it's just to give the they meet in the groups yeah rather than they know in big groups yeah they have no idea who which celebrity they're going to get the celebrities have no idea which professional they're going to get you might dance with four or five of the professionals you might dance with four or five of the celebrities it's really it's for cameras it's for chemistry it's just to get everyone to understand this is one big strictly family so when you do get the reveals they are genuine but the celeb knows i mean the celeb already knows that it's going to be one of sort of 12 or 14 dancers but also the dancer knows it's going to be one of the people that they have already met unless it's a late replacement and so yes when someone comes through the door they they know they they all are all a couple of people i talked to have been on strictly in between the bit where they've met all of the dancers and the bit where they find their dancer they genuinely have strong views as to who they would like i mean anyone who watches strictly knows that there are height things and various things there's there's the quite small pool of people that you that you could be put with so you usually know within three or four people who it might be but the yeah the the excitement when you get the person you really want is real of course there's going to be moments where people are like oh especially with the professional dancers go oh i'm gonna be i'm gonna go home in week three okay yeah i absolutely understand that but yeah it's it's absolutely you can veto with ellie and things like that you can tell the the ones where you think okay they think they're going to be here for for a long time yeah um jojo and alex kingston and uh stuff like that but it's uh again with strictly this year because they had those two late pullouts didn't they which you know danny dyer putting out and you do think gutting for them yeah really gutting and you can perhaps it'd be underpowered but then you watch the first episode and you go okay um no it's count me in this is gonna be so great and our friend of the podcast nitro we love karen carney was amazing and that's that's that's the lovely thing about it is after even just one week you go oh no so previously when you go lewis cope who well i don't know who lewis cope is and then you watch him go it really doesn't matter now yeah now Now I know who he is.

28:25And yeah, and it's, I am hashtag team Nitro and team Karen, but I am, listen, might all change. But yeah, they do all meet provide. We had a question, funnily enough, about Love Island, which is a similar thing. When, you know, there's rumors going around that two of the contestants actually previously met during a dry run. And again, yes, on Love Island, they will always do a dry run of that show just for cameras, just for new little formats and things. and they will always people that with it'll be so they'll have eight contestants they love on love island there'll be a few they're not sure about and so they'll put them in the dry run and they go oh actually we saw her on the dry run she's amazing we saw him on the dry run he's amazing and so yes two of those people might then you know make the cut make the cut and they have met each other you know those those things definitively happen there's also a question about phone voting on strictly because they're not doing the bbc said they're not offering phone voting anymore um hyacinth leslie that is a great name hyacinth leslie said um what's the reason for this and will other programs follow suit um yes it's all going online all the big voting shows basically sports first personality of the year eurovision that sort of stuff it's all going online it is outdated you get a tiny number of phone votes um we'll talk about the heyday in a second and it's a huge hassle it's a huge hassle but also bt used to run these services and they're not going to do it any longer yeah um and the old sort of ptsn phone work that phone network that's being phased out and going to sort of digital voice so everything is it there's so few people who now phone but in the heyday of it all it made so much money oh my god it made unbelievable amounts of money well they could fund millionaire off the phone votes yeah that's that's what you need to know about that and other shows are having the same amount of millions and millions per series of x factor all of those things crazy money um and it you know it became completely addictive the idea that people were engaged was meant you know because they were phoning in and spending money to do it simon cowell's big idea was to have a show this is before we had a referendum he said i think people would love that we do a referendum every week and we're going to have a red telephone no one wants a referendum ever again now but um a red telephone in the middle of the stage and we you know downing street can call in if they want because the people will be speaking every single week but actually doesn't lack confidence does he simon there was a hilarious interview where he said oh the great thing is seeing it take um off around the world you know we've kind of he said they've got it in afghanistan um we've given democracy back to the world which i found absolutely hilarious thank you but hang on a second because afghan afghan star i think it was called that ran for about 17 series it was amazing and it there's some great documentaries about it and then um the taliban cancelled music so it no long it's it doesn't exist anymore but it was and i think by the a certain amount of series a woman was the first woman to win it and it was a huge thing so he actually did well i don't know he did a lot more for them than joe biden let's put it that way yeah let's put it simon kyle did more from canister than joe biden let's put it that way but yes but phone voting was such a mega deal and it's but it's not any longer and by the way all of itv's things are online or in the app or whatever it is now i mean it was hugely monetizable and now is not anymore you still i mean you know that was the era weirdly we were watching an old episode of cduk the other day because i can't remember well i think because i'd just been working with kat dd on something and ingrid is a huge fan of cduk so we're just on youtube we just watched it and again just in the ad breaks just those the phoning questions the very very easy phoning questions and um i mean the money those things yeah would make is absolutely crazy and now yeah it's it's it's just not a thing anymore no and people will say to you oh but what you're disenfranchising certain people who what it's like no you're not okay there's a level of digital switch over which i will tolerate the discussion but that is not it and they get vanishingly few votes by phone now so yes that's why you can't do it any longer but you can still vote in the in the modern ways thank you so much everyone for those wonderful questions tomorrow for our members we have an episode about the muppets the muppet origin story which it took a long time for the muppets to become successful lots of stories before there's graft there there's absolute puppet graft there really is if you want to be a member you get ad free listening all that kind of stuff it is the rest is entertainment.com but for everybody else we'll see you next Tuesday see you next Tuesday

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