‘Ace Ventura: Pet Detective’ With Bill Simmons, Zach Lowe, and Craig Horlbeck

10:45Bill Simmons:into it now so I tried with my son who's 18 he was like this movie's terrible but Jim Carrey's hilarious okay and he was like I get why they made it I get why I was successful and I enjoyed it and I was like you're gonna end up watching it 10 times he's like yeah probably

11:05Zach Lowe:yeah I mean I don't even know what pg-13 means anymore but this movie was made for 13 year old boys yeah carries a good blend of a there's adult humor in the movie and there's there's kid humor and it feels like now those things are kind of bifurcated where you can only have one or the other but this movie i mean there are a lot of references i'll get into this later that i don't that i definitely didn't understand when i was a kid that i do now there's sexual innuendos and things like things like that but then it's also just like him kicking around a package and it's

11:30Craig Horlbeck:hilarious yeah i had forgotten about the opening scene and kicking around the package and because i had not seen the movie before research for this and i'm gonna say eight to ten years i had not even been that you've been on for more than five minutes continuously in my life and i completely forgot about that scene and it's like an extended yeah like really like walk and tracking shot kind of thing i'm like and he just says nothing and he's both he's immediately athletic graceful and just wildly out there like from from shot one of the movie it's like wait they're doing it's just two minutes this guy kicking a package why is this happening and i didn't even remember why it was happening like why is he intentionally damaging this package what is going on here We still don't know.

12:13Craig Horlbeck:Yeah.

12:13Zach Lowe:I think it's so the guy has to spend time filling out the form so he can swap the dog.

12:17Craig Horlbeck:Kidnaps the dog and replaces it with a stuffed animal.

12:20Bill Simmons:This is something that would happen in the 80s and 90s and I don't feel like it happens anymore where somebody is just kind of famous and funny enough to get a movie greenlit like this where it's like it's a dumb premise and you're the star. Let's make it. Like Billy Madison. Same thing with Adam Sandler. That was his first movie. Mike Myers had So I Married an Axe Murderer which we did which is a little more advanced, I think, than this movie. But Norm Macdonald had dirty work, remember? It's just letting somebody cook. Yeah, just like, just be funny, do the stuff you do. We'll come up with some premise around it and just go nuts.

12:54Bill Simmons:Does Tommy Boy fall into that? Tommy Boy's another one. But this is, and then they tried with Will Ferrell with Night of the Roxbury, and they didn't really get it right with him until old school. But I don't feel like Marcelo Hernandez, who seems like he's taking off on SNL now, in 1993, they just sort of been like, just do a movie where you live with your family and do Marcelo Hernandez things. And here's a dumb premise. It's kind of gone.

13:20Zach Lowe:Yeah. And I don't, I don't know if Marcelo, he would have to have a character that was big enough and popular enough to even warrant that. I mean, he did like the, the one where he's there at the like bachelorette party and he's getting cheated on or whatever. Domingo. Yeah. That would have been a movie probably in the 90s.

13:36Craig Horlbeck:In 1993, they would have made a Domingo movie. They did it with. You might be speaking into existence right now. Like, someone is going to listen to this and be like, that's not bad.

13:43Bill Simmons:Like, that's bankable. Well, one of the things I think everyone in Hollywood is trying to figure out right now is, what happened in the comedy? Can we bring it back? Right? Because horror movies have just been unassailable since the early 70s. Action movies come and go. Franchises. But these comedies that are these iconic 90s and 2000 comedies, they just don't exist in the same way. Now they kind of end up on streamers just to start out with. or they become TV shows. Like Craig loves the studio. Yeah. Maybe in the 90s, the studio was just a TV show, is a movie, it's a 90-minute movie.

14:17Zach Lowe:It's a bummer because, you know, comedies used to make good money, not huge money, but good money. And now people just want to hit home runs and not doubles.

14:26Bill Simmons:Yeah.

14:26Zach Lowe:And so comedies now live on streaming services and it stinks because if you ever, once in a while, get to see a comedy in theater still, like I saw the new Naked Gun in a packed theater, it was such a better experience and it completely shapes your opinion of a movie if you're watching alone on your couch versus 200 other people because when everybody else is laughing, you feel comfortable to laugh. And when you're alone, it just doesn't hit the same.

14:47Craig Horlbeck:Every comedy you guys just named from Tommy Boy to So I Married an Axe Murder to what you just said, I saw all of them in the theater. Original Naked Gun I saw in the theater.

15:00Bill Simmons:All-timer for me. I don't think people want to see comedies in the theater anymore because tickets are expensive.

15:06Zach Lowe:It's a whole process.

15:08Bill Simmons:and you just wait until it is on like whatever on a streamer like you go to see top gun maverick

15:13Zach Lowe:because it's a spectacle you don't need to see a comedy in theaters but i would argue when you go and you do see a really funny movie in theaters you leave being fulfilled and it's worth it do people want to see horror movies in the theaters because they like the collective

15:25Craig Horlbeck:experience of we're all scared because i love that i love being scared i'm not a big theater anymore but i used to love going to scary movies so why does it not translate to laughing like What's the difference between those two sensations that one lends itself more to collective activity? It's a great question.

15:40Zach Lowe:I just think the theatrical experience for horror, the big screen, just the ability to have the sound and the image being so big and looming over you, I think delivers that fear in a way that at home can't. And people think, oh, I can laugh at home. What's the difference?

15:53Craig Horlbeck:I think there's another piece. I could be scared at home, though. You put me in a quiet house with a scary movie on. That's pretty scary. Well, you're not allowed to watch horror movies in your house.

16:02Bill Simmons:Not at the little house. Not unless my wife is on a trip. Mrs. Lowe is hardcore. What are the cross-offs for you? Horror, thrillers? Gruesome violence. Gruesome violence and horror.

16:15Craig Horlbeck:Yeah, pretty much. Just, yeah, like nasty tension, stuff like that.

16:20Zach Lowe:Also, the risk of doing this movie if you're Jim Carrey. It's so vulnerable to be doing these characters, and I really think that the internet now and just the way criticism works, somebody would get destroyed if they tried to do a movie like this and somebody did a character like this. It is so out there and putting yourself out there. Yeah.

16:38Bill Simmons:Well, but there's one other piece to this, though, I hesitate to bring up. Like, Zach's specialty is basketball. Yes. He watches a lot of basketball. Yeah. And sometimes in basketball, types of players just come and go. Right? Like, we used to have centers with awesome post-up moves, and then they just kind of went away. I guess my question is, do we just not have funny people that can carry movies like this anymore jim carrey toiled away for 12 years doing stand-up being in sketch shows like putting in the time and now you have like not to bring up marcelo hernandez again but we just brought him up for he was on snl for two years probably getting offered stuff he didn't toil away in the same way like crafting a persona and trying to figure out all these ways to attack comedy and maybe these people just don't exist or maybe it's just easier to be a tiktok youtube just do comedy that way and and versus like thinking about it in a movie sense i don't know i don't know the answers

17:37Zach Lowe:also i don't know if the upside is there if you're marcello it probably feels impossible to have your own dumb and dumber or ace ventura or happy gilmore because those movies don't exist they don't succeed in theaters they don't make that much money so why would he want to put himself out there and potentially put out a flop or something that lands on a streaming you'd rather

17:52Bill Simmons:have like a netflix comedy yeah well shane gillis is a good example right shane gillis in the 90s would have, if you time machine him, he would have made like a dirty work or like this kind of movie. Now he does Tires on Netflix. Well, all of these movies

18:06Craig Horlbeck:that we're talking about and particularly the Carrie movies are on some level, on every level, completely absurd. Like the situation is absurd. They don't exist in the real world. And a lot of like the great comedic people of the last 15 or 20 years have gone on and made like really funny movies, but they all exist in like our actual reality. None of them are like trying to lean into this absurd space. And so there's no, they're not like this crazy character drives them. But like, you can go Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Will Ferrell. They've all had like these great movies, but none of them are quite this like absurd, except Zoolander, I think would be a good example of what I'm talking about.

18:44Craig Horlbeck:Just like, just a completely absurd thing that does not really exist. But then Zoolander 2 didn't work.

18:49Zach Lowe:Well, Zoolander was like 2001. So it was still kind of in that like spiritually a 90s movie. Is that long ago? Wow.

18:55Bill Simmons:I think so. Not only in 2001, it was like two weeks after 9-11. Oh, really? It was the first, hey, America, it's okay to laugh. Come see Zoolander. And it kind of wasn't okay yet.

19:06Zach Lowe:Yeah. Farrell, I feel like, was the bridge where he could still kind of do the wonky characters, the Talladega Nitro Anchormans. But then after him, we went into the Judd Apatow era, which was more...

19:14Craig Horlbeck:That's a great call. That's a persona. Those movies are the persona. They're funny. Like, I like them all. Oh, I adore them. But they're much more grounded.

19:21Bill Simmons:It's Craig's. That's his wheelhouse. But I mean... But these are... The Apto movies are a good example. Those guys were all fucking awesome, one-of-a-kind stars that are in those movies. Like even Ben and I watched 40-Year-Old Virgin last week. Jonah Hill's in there. He's like, it seems like he's like 11 years old. He's buying the boots. He's buying boots from the eBay store. I don't even remember him. He's buying bedazzled boots. He probably wants to kill himself when he sees the video. He's just like, he's like 400 pounds. And he looks like he's 10. But he populated... Rogan's in that movie.

19:58Bill Simmons:Paul Rudd's in that movie. Correll's in that movie. You think of... We just had a lot of characters back then.

20:03Craig Horlbeck:And that's... I mean, I'm doing this off the top, but this is not my realm like it is yours. But that's like the Correll... All right, this is my shot to the superstar movie. He got it from Anchorman. They saw him as Brick Tamlin. It's similar of like... All right, this is kind of a strange movie. You're going to play a 40-year-old virgin who's a weirdo and has dolls at his house. and gets his chest hair shaved off. Like another movie that really shouldn't have worked as well as it did.

20:29Bill Simmons:He's another example, though. He toiled away forever. Yeah. And was in sketch comedy, all kinds of stuff. Colbert was another one that was put in a lot of time. Another commonality between Carrie and Carell

20:43Craig Horlbeck:and some of the other people you just mentioned. Sneaky handsome. Like there's like a leading man, like handsomeness hidden under the goof. like Steve Carell is just like a straight up like hot dude now, like a hot old guy. Now Jim Carrey was like sneaky. Steve Carell's watching this for him though. Like fuck. Yeah. Seriously. The basketball guy loves me. Yeah. Somewhere in the middle of the office, everyone around Steve Carell, like season three of the office, everyone around that show and Steve Carell made a collective decision. We're glamming you up a little bit. Right.

21:12Zach Lowe:Carell got his hair done. Yeah. There's something that happened, right? Yeah. Season two.

21:16Craig Horlbeck:Something happened. I didn't want to just say it so baldly like that. No pun intended, but something happened. He got fitter. So it was clear like you're becoming a real star now.

21:25Bill Simmons:I got to talk about 94, which is in the running for best movie year of the last 40, quickly. And people remember from the Pulp Fiction, Forrest Gump, Shawshank. I'm still mad about all of it. People remember the Oscars for it. There's a whole bunch of Apex breakout crazy stuff. I'm just going to run through this quickly. Pulp Fiction, Tarantino breakout, Sam Jackson, Travolta, Forrest Gump, Hank's Apex. Shawshank becomes Shawshank, but also Morgan Freeman is now here. He does seven the next year. True Lies, Schwarzenegger's comeback. Lion King, probably felt like the biggest original Disney movie that they made.

22:07Bill Simmons:It was just perfectly marketed. It had the Elton John song. It was a monster. It was kind of Disney where you're like, oh, this is peak of their powers. Speed. Not only did Keanu Reeves break out, But they pushed up the summer movie schedule for it. They said, fuck it. Let's start it in May. And it completely reinvented that.

22:28Craig Horlbeck:Fantastic theater experience. Great. And as my wife knows, it's still not over for me and Sandra Bullock all these years later. Wow. I'm glad you.

22:36Bill Simmons:See, that's how I have Tiffany Ambrose in with my wife. It's just like, look, man, I met her before I knew you. And it's just fine. Disclosure. Michael Douglas' first to be more. We did that movie. but that was like two big movie stars pitted against each other with a very important topic

22:54Zach Lowe:santa claus the tim allen apex love it saw it saw it just recently because my daughter's going

22:59Craig Horlbeck:through all the classic holiday movies i watch it every year one of the best it'll be on the

23:03Bill Simmons:rewatchables at some point clear and present danger just a harrison ford movie in his prime interview of the vampire cruising pit together legends of the fall a second pit movie hoop dreams best sports movie doc ever come on quiz show redford did that one theater uh reality bites The Peak of Gen X and Ethan Hawke. Four Weddings and a Funeral. Hugh Grant's Breakout. Blue Chips and Above the Rim. Maybe the best basketball movie combo year we've had, those two. And then we also had Little Big League, Mighty Ducks 2, and Angels in the Outfield for kids' movies. And there's a bunch more stuff, but it's just like, I look at 94 and I'm just like, we kind of had it all going.

23:43Bill Simmons:I don't know how we get back. We didn't know what we had. And Jim Carrey busting out and having the year of Jim Carrey.

23:49Craig Horlbeck:How's Mighty Ducks 2? Because I just saw Mighty Ducks for the first time in my life. Last weekend, we had a family movie night. My daughter loves kids' sports movies. And Mighty Ducks, like, didn't know Joshua Jackson was involved at all. Oh, yeah. Turns out he's heavily involved. I enjoyed it.

24:06Zach Lowe:Mighty Ducks are great movies. I haven't seen them in a while. One and two. Maybe even three.

24:10Bill Simmons:Well, there's... We haven't done either of these yet. There's a camp. D2. The D2 is the one. I'm excited for it. It's like Terminator 1 versus Terminator 2 kind of thing. I'm Terminator 1. I'm team 1. Yeah. Some people are like T2 is one of the greatest. That's where we go. Ace Ventura. Okay. The cinematographer said the stuff he was doing was so over the top. I truly thought this was going to be the biggest piece of shit ever. He added a shitload of improv stuff, including the ass-talking scene, which is in the running for funniest single scenes he's ever done. Apparently happened in living color because Keenan Ivory Wayans kept rejecting his sketches.

24:53Bill Simmons:So finally one day he got up and pitched a sketch with his ass and Keenan Ivory Wayans got pissed and they almost had a fist fight. This is an actual story. And then Carrie said on Inside the Actor's Studio that he based Ace Ventura on a smart bird. He thought about him, how he would move like an actual animal. and the clothing he picked, the walk was bird-like. He's kind of dressed like a pirate. And I don't really know why. His hairstyle was like a parrot. Yeah. And that was kind of what he was going for. You just have to be insane. Yeah. To even come up with all that stuff, you just have to have a screw loose in a good way.

25:32Zach Lowe:It really sounded like they knew this could be a piece of shit. And they were like, we don't care. This is our humor. We're going for it.

25:37Bill Simmons:Yeah.

25:38Zach Lowe:Because the director as well, who was like a young joke writer, they both went in being like, This could completely ruin our careers. And their goal was to make something that was so over the top and potentially unappealing to some people, which is insane now. Now you have to make something that's broad enough for everybody. Them going in saying, half the audience might fucking hate this. It's just crazy.

25:59Bill Simmons:Maybe we should do that. You create a character that's hard into advanced metrics for breaking down basketball, and you're just doing voices and crazy shit. Work on this.

26:09Craig Horlbeck:I'll workshop it. Write down some notes. When I was reading all these things, we read a lot of the same stuff. It sounds like I did have a moment where I was like, I wonder what like day 21 on set is. If there's a contingent of the people in the crew and the cast who are just like, this is just really going to places where I didn't expect. He's in the tutu in reverse. And they're like, I don't know about this. Should I get out of this? Is it too late for me to get out of this now?

26:33Bill Simmons:Well, it seems like there's only a couple comedy actors ever that if you just let them loose and let them explore the studio space, they were going to explore every... Like Robin Williams, I think, was like this too. Yeah. They're like, hey, we wrote this scene where can you just... Like Dead Poets side, can you just add Liv in front of the class for a couple of minutes? He's like, great.

26:52Zach Lowe:Yeah.

26:52Bill Simmons:And is just doing it for two hours.

26:53Zach Lowe:You got it. I think there was a sense even on set that this was like, we're watching a freak. Like this is... It's like Wem Binyama. I don't know what I'm watching, but there's nobody who can replicate this.

27:03Bill Simmons:Well, the weird thing about him is women definitely dig him and dug him and like he ends up dating lauren holly who's he who's he's married dumb and dumber and they end up together but then courtney cox there was like she was on stern four years ago and he was like what'd you think of jim carrey like thinking she'd be like oh he's so fucking annoying and he and she was like i kind of had a crush on him back

27:26Zach Lowe:then i really kind of dug him one of my it wasn't going to be a nitpick it was going to be a probably unanswerable question was like, how did she pretend her character to be into this psychopath, basically? And there are so many scenes where he's doing his weird thing and she's looking at him with her... Bat in the blue eyes. Yeah, bat in the blue eyes. And you're like, there's no way this woman would be into him. And then you find out that on set, she was falling for him while he was doing this character. So you're like, all right, I guess that is real.

27:52Craig Horlbeck:You guys might not like some of the choices I've made for our categories later, but...

27:55Bill Simmons:I can't wait. I mean, she did marry David Arquette.

28:00Zach Lowe:She might have just like goofball guys. If we say one slanderous word against Courtney Cox, I'll storm out of this set.

28:06Bill Simmons:I'm ready to do it right now. Not say slanderous stuff. Another one I had stock in, Zach. Courtney Cox. Let me take you back to 1984.

28:20Craig Horlbeck:We're just going down the whole path now. Okay. She's just in the Dancing in the Dark video of Springsteen? Didn't know that. Wow. See? Look at that. How would I know that? It's a landmark thing. didn't know that

28:32Bill Simmons:for men of a certain age you didn't know that? no Springsteen who's like you come from down in the valley he's doing all those songs comes out in Born in the USA and the first song is Dancing in the Dark it's just a pop song and the video is him on him on stage and he's doing this weird dance and it's just like I don't even know how to it would be like if Patrick Mahomes just completely changed his look one day and he was just a completely different person. Had a deep voice all of a sudden. And he was just like dressed like a motorcyclist or something. And you were like, what's going on with Patrick Mahomes?

29:09Bill Simmons:Why is he in all leather? Bruce comes out. He's like trying to be a pop star and there's this girl dancing in the video and you keep seeing her and then he points to her and he goes, hey baby! And brings her on the stage and they dance. And it became a phenomenon. Who is this girl? And it was Courtney Cox, which leads to her being on Family Ties in an 18-episode run as Alex P. Keaton's girlfriend, played by Michael J. Fox. Every guy my age was in love with her. So I'm not taking credit. It was everybody. She toyed away for six years, like just in bad movies. It never happened for her. And then it finally happened.

29:49Bill Simmons:Boy, did it happen. Here's what happens. Ace Ventura, she's in Seinfeld during the real breakout, like Seinfeld becoming replacing Cheery's. Dry cleaner girlfriend. She's Jerry's girlfriend who pretends they're married so she can get the dry cleaning discount. He has to break up with her.

30:07Zach Lowe:You could spend an hour talking about people who have cameoed in Seinfeld.

30:10Bill Simmons:She probably is the most important one and here's why. They're making friends. Right. They're like, this Courtney Cox who was in Ace Ventura and who was in that Seinfeld episode. Maybe we build friends around her. They make friends and it's like a vehicle for her basically. Then it becomes friends so this movie paves the way to friends she kind of important has never looked better and ushered me into adulthood in this film i said to my son ben i was like i don't know if it gets better i think we might have peaked also i think jennifer and the cutest of of the possible you could never have put a cuter actress into a movie i think jennifer aniston almost overshadowed her

30:50Zach Lowe:maybe not market corrected her but jennifer aniston and her being in friends you almost like couldn't focus on both. And Aniston maybe won out. But when you, Courtney Cox in this movie, we always joke, I'm a Warriors fan and we say like the only player who could get hotter than Steph was Clay. I actually think Courtney Cox in the right moment can put up 37 and a quarter. And that's what she does in this movie. So you think she's Clay. This is interesting. I'm so glad Zach's here for this. Like she's the only one where I'm like, you know what, there are moments. It is her over Jennifer Aniston.

31:18Zach Lowe:In this movie, 37 in the third quarter.

31:21Bill Simmons:So this is such a great topic because when Aniston's on Friends, she becomes the breakout star of Friends and every guy is in love with her, including me.

31:30Zach Lowe:And me too. I mean, they're both the most beautiful women in the world. I think I was exactly the same age.

31:35Bill Simmons:The Aniston piece was like, everybody in America, no matter where you lived and how much money you made, you're like, I feel like I could talk myself into getting a date with her if I just met her. Yeah. She was very accessible.

31:47Craig Horlbeck:This never crossed my mind for one second. You thought Jennifer Aniston was accessible? I think. I thought she was accessible hot. Like if you ran into Jennifer.

31:56Bill Simmons:I was like, she would like my friends. She was like one of those. I think it's because she's on a... None of this ever crossed my mind. Courtney Cox was not accessible. She was just like, I wouldn't be able to talk.

32:05Zach Lowe:I also think the nature of being on a TV show versus being a movie star made that person feel more attainable. Like, oh, I watch her every week. She's in an apartment. She would love us. Yeah. She would love to watch me play video games. She would not have loved any of us. She's looking for a job.

32:19Craig Horlbeck:She would have walked out quickly. What do I know? No, I'm just Ross.

32:22Bill Simmons:I'm barely employed. I'm as good as Ross.

32:24Zach Lowe:You're just calling your shot, your heat checks. I mean, it's MJ versus LeBron, Cox and Aniston in 94. It is. It's out of control.

32:31Bill Simmons:I've never thought about this before. What an incredible market correction that was.

32:34Craig Horlbeck:Why are we pitting them against each other? They're friends. Courtney Cox heading in.

32:37Zach Lowe:I want to lift them both up and champion both of them. That's why Clay and Steph. Exactly.

32:41Craig Horlbeck:Who's Draymond?

32:46Craig Horlbeck:Lisa Kudrow? Lisa Kudrow. I was going to go Matt LeBlanc.

32:49Bill Simmons:I don't know. just like a little bit bigger hits people and hit people. Honestly, probably Matthew Perry. Cause it was a little bit more of a rollercoaster ride with him. And that was, that's the Draymond experience.

32:57Zach Lowe:I don't mean to put Jennifer Aniston down in any way, because she is also one of the most beautiful women who's ever existed, but I just want to spend some time acknowledging Courtney Cox. That's all. I will say it is.

33:07Bill Simmons:If you had told me,

33:08Zach Lowe:and if you have a totally different take on the movie,

33:11Bill Simmons:I guess, but go ahead. Well, I was going to say, if you told me in spring of 94, Courtney Cox is going to be on a show with six people. And a year from now, somebody else on that show that's not Courtney Cox will be the sex symbol that everybody's cutting their hair to look like. I would have been like, that's impossible. There's going to be another part, but it's not going to be Courtney Cox. Zach doesn't agree. I'm just going to say my, I'm just going to say, we'll do it later. All right, save your take. We'll do it later. Anyway, this is a very important Courtney Cox movie.

33:41Craig Horlbeck:Is there such a thing as a very important Courtney Cox movie? Because she tore away. Very important. It's not a Scorsese movie.

33:47Bill Simmons:You didn't see The Opposite Sex and How to Live With Them in the theater in 1992. Yeah, I fucking went to support Courtney Cox. I don't even know what that is. It was set in Boston.

33:56Zach Lowe:Zach, you said you were 15 when you saw this movie? Ace Ventura is 94, so 16. And Courtney Cox didn't do anything.

34:03Craig Horlbeck:I mean, look. I'm not saying she didn't do anything. I'm just saying I have a different take on the movie. We're learning Zach has a type.

34:11Bill Simmons:Sean Young, Last Hurrah, very controversial rewatchables character. Yeah. because we did no way out with Kevin Costner. Chris Bryant and I love Sean Young in that movie, and Craig's like, eh, just kind of shrugged it off. That became a thing. This is her last hurrah after this. It's all over, and she's not really in any movies. A notoriously difficult Hollywood actor, shall we say. We'll get back to her later. $15 million budget, made$107 million. It sold 4.2 million home videos in its first three weeks. Wow. That's a lot. So normally when Craig's producing, we still do the Horlbeck Century Club, which was a new category this year.

34:55Bill Simmons:Craig, 86 minutes. I can't believe it's under 90. You're just delayed. Ugh. 86 minutes. Craig thinks every movie should be 100 minutes. Yeah. So this is a plus 14 on the Horlbeck scale. It's not a bad take.

35:09Zach Lowe:The Departed can be long. that's okay but in general Departed is too long for rare exceptions every movie should be under two hours and it should be around 100 minutes 86 minutes this movie is and it doesn't feel like it's too short or I mean I feel like everything you want is in there they develop the plot I feel like we should say this movie's plot and premise is way too good than it needs to be the idea

35:31Craig Horlbeck:that's a good that's a good point so I had this in what stage is the best

35:35Zach Lowe:I thought I think the plot's like kind of amazing it's fantastic a great idea kicker who goes back home and plots his revenge to kill the quarterback who held the ball wrong is a fantastic plot but you have that but then you also have like

35:50Bill Simmons:Pet Detective is also a great idea this movie has two great ideas

35:54Craig Horlbeck:Pet Detective is an insane idea but a funny idea for a movie you're right the plot is a little twistier than it has any right to be like oh that thread connects to that thread like what's going on here why am I thinking about this movie

36:08Zach Lowe:You totally think it's the rich guy, which he has nothing to do with it. Right. He's a red herring. The Finkel-Einhorn twist, for however problematic it is, is a crazy twist for a comedy. There's not a lot of twists in comedies. Genuinely didn't see that coming. And the idea of I'm going to spend the next eight years of my life plotting to kidnap and murder Dan Marino is an incredible plot.

36:28Bill Simmons:What basketball person would Ray Finkel it? Is there somebody who would blame somebody else? Like, this would be like J.R. Smith being mad at LeBron for being blamed for the title.

36:38Craig Horlbeck:No, LeBron would blame J.R. Smith for botching the end of game one of the 2018 finals. J.R.

36:43Bill Simmons:Smith would be the Ray Finkel, though.

36:45Craig Horlbeck:He would have to blame LeBron for— You need a bench player. It needs to be a stardom.

36:49Bill Simmons:LeBron actually told him to call timeout and then pretended he didn't. It would have to be that. That would be the plot. I'm going to be distracted for this. I'm sorry.

36:57Zach Lowe:Maybe it's like Draymond trying to kill the ref who gave him that technical in 2016.

37:02Bill Simmons:Jordan Poole. And Draymond? Jordan Poole ruined my career. Draymond ruined my career and he punched me. Now I'm going to get revenge on Draymond. Ace Ventura 3. Poole detective. Poole detective. Disgruntled teammate detective. Roger Ebert. To the surprise of nobody. One star. How many one star movies have we done? Four? Yeah. It's such a rarity for us. He said, this movie basically has one joke, which is Ace Ventura's weirdy, nerdy strangeness. if you laugh at this joke I can sympathize with you even if I can't understand you I found the movie a long unfunny slog through an impenetrable plot impenetrable plot kids might like it kids might like it

37:49Zach Lowe:I'll keep going Kerry plays Ace as if he's being clocked on an energyometer and paid by the calories expended he's a hyper goon who likes to screw his mouth into strange shapes while playing variations on the language you know what that's all correct yeah and Roger Ebert was 52 when this movie came out it's not for you

38:08Craig Horlbeck:my dad would have not let it be on for one minute would have been like he's talking to his butt you're smarter than this get this nonsense off the idiot box that's almost exactly I'm older than 52

38:18Bill Simmons:and when he puts the when he's at the mansion and he puts the food and he started doing this with the food I left my ass up

38:25Zach Lowe:yeah but you probably saw it when you were 20

38:26Bill Simmons:I know but it's still funny so this is my general it's still a visceral

38:29Craig Horlbeck:funny reaction this is my general take on the movie and I just want to get it out now So you mentioning that scene where he makes the face at the guy who's not looking, right? Yeah. It's a completely throwaway moment. I laugh out loud every time. No. I think generally the small jokes in this movie are way funnier than the big jokes. Couldn't agree with my. I think the big jokes are largely not that great, and I'll hit some of them later. It's those kind of moments and those kind of facial expressions and smug expressions that I think make the whole movie. I think they're the best part of the movie.

39:01Bill Simmons:I agree. We're going to take a break and then we're going to do most rewatchable scene. This episode is brought to you by Claude from Anthropic. The last thing you want when you're watching movies is an ad. It's disruptive. It takes you out of the experience. It ruins the whole thing. Well, same logic applies to AI. Some AI providers are already introducing ads into conversations, which means the tool isn't just helping you think. It's trying to sell you something. Anthropic is committed to keeping Claude ad-free. No sponsored answers, no hidden agenda, just the thinking partner for people who care about deep work.

39:34Bill Simmons:Try it for free at claude.ai slash rewatchables. This episode is brought to you by TikTok. TikTok actually gives parents the visibility control they need to help shape an environment that makes sense for their teens. For starters, teens under 18 have a 60-minute screen time reminder in place. And with family pairing, parents can set their own limits, see their teens' followers, who they follow, and help restrict content that's not right for them. Because with peace of mind in place, discovery and creativity can follow. Learn more at tiktok.com slash guardians guide. All right, most rewatchable scene.

40:14Bill Simmons:Opening credits with the box when he steals Tex Cobb's dog. Tex Cobb was a pretty well-known boxer in the 70s and 80s for heavyweight division. Famously got the shit kicked out of him by Larry Holmes on ABC and Howard Cosell was so upset by how one side of the fight was, he vowed never to do boxing again and was killing the fight as it was happening. That's how Tex Cobb was known. Then he went into movies. Wow.

40:40Zach Lowe:And apparently the black eyes are real.

40:41Bill Simmons:Yeah, he got in a fight. It's alive. I think that scene's funny. Next scene. Ace's pets come out of hiding. Which I think is a great shot Gordo candidate. Here are the pets. raccoon, iguana, penguins, You can't miss them all off.

41:01Craig Horlbeck:There's too many. Skunk,

41:03Bill Simmons:monkey, squirrel, basset hound, parrots, and a cat. The raccoon comes out of the toilet.

41:07Craig Horlbeck:Yeah.

41:07Zach Lowe:And the penguins come out of the fridge, which I liked.

41:10Craig Horlbeck:So, so I didn't do this much half-assed research. Maybe one of you did. Is that monkey, the little monkey, is it Ross's monkey from Friends? Is it the same actor monkey? Wow. There can't be that, that kind of monkey has a name that I'm blanking on, but Marcel. From the show? Yeah, Marcel. It's got to be the same monkey. How many of these monkeys can there be floating around?

41:28Bill Simmons:Or maybe there's a million monkeys and Marcel just got tabbed. There were other people that could have had the shot.

41:35Zach Lowe:Happens in Hollywood all the time.

41:37Bill Simmons:My son really, really marveled at this scene. And it was a how did they do this scene for him? Because there's no CGI.

41:44Zach Lowe:No.

41:45Bill Simmons:He's like, how did they get all these animals to coexist together? That's a great question. I actually thought this scene could have gone longer. Yeah. I could have watched him feed the animals. I just had more questions.

41:55Zach Lowe:I love pets. Yeah, and they all hide, like, the toys in Toy Story when he jingles the keys.

41:59Craig Horlbeck:Yeah, it's a great moment.

42:00Bill Simmons:Yeah. Honestly, we're, like, two apartment scenes short with the pets.

42:06Zach Lowe:I could have run it back. Apparently, the sex scene when all the animals are around as well, apparently, Carrie said that they are all, like, tied to the ground, so they can't move. Oh. He said they were trained to do that. I wonder if Peter was on the set going. Is that problematic?

42:22Craig Horlbeck:I don't know. You tie your dog and do a pole and you, you know. See, I think the sex scene, not good enough. I think it should have been funnier. The highlight of the sex scene is the bird that's bouncing up and down mimicking the movements. That's the highlight.

42:35Bill Simmons:I think they were very scared to veer toward the R range.

42:39Craig Horlbeck:I just feel like for a guy who has this level of physical comedy and inanity and insanity to him, the sex scene should have been like bonkers.

42:47Zach Lowe:More animalistic.

42:48Craig Horlbeck:I don't even know what. Just like crazier.

42:50Bill Simmons:That's actually what Roger Ebert wrote in his review. He's like, that sex scene should have been bonkers. Next scene, Ace checks out the empty dolphin pool and does Star Trek impressions. I think you have to be over 45 to get even, like, did you even get those jokes? Yeah. So that's the correct answer to this question.

43:09Craig Horlbeck:That's the best scene in a movie. That's your most rewatchable? Should I go on? Yes. Keep going. I will say that he gets into the tank and he says to Courtney Cox, if I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer. That is one of the most perfectly written jokes in the history of jokes. The first time I heard it, I think that one joke single-handedly changed my sense of humor. Oh, wow. Just the zigzag construction of the joke and the kind of meanness underlying it almost, I think changed me in that moment. The Star Trek impression is perfect because it's just like Shatner, but like 20 % more Shatnery.

43:56Craig Horlbeck:And then we talked about this offline. The scene, the part of that scene where he pretends to be the Dolphins' German trainer, which is not in the movie anymore. It's a crime that that's not in because every single line of it.

44:12Zach Lowe:Yeah, I believe the original theatrical cut when I saw it as a kid had that scene. So I knew that scene. I don't know why it's not on Netflix now. so

44:19Craig Horlbeck:does he know you does he call you at home do you have a dorsal fin and I'm up on the tail it's just like

44:27Bill Simmons:absolutely pitch perfect the entire way through so we were talking because he was asking me why that wasn't in there we were talking offline and I was saying how when these movies were on TNT Comedy Central wherever they would have to pad the movie to get it to two hours so this is 86 minutes so if it's a two hour slot on Comedy Central they have to have 34 minutes of commercials. They didn't want to do that. So they put in deleted scenes and they would pad the movies. So you would see, if you saw these movies on cable, there'd be these extra scenes and then you buy it on DVD or whatever and you're like, where's the scene that I like?

45:01Bill Simmons:And it's just not there. So if you include that... Horror movies had this too.

45:05Craig Horlbeck:If you include that part, German trainer Hans something or other, and you can quote him! Yeah. That whole scene is Nirvana. That's Nirvana.

45:15Zach Lowe:And even for somebody like whatever I was, 11 years old, no idea what they were talking about. The voices are still funny. Him going, I just can't do it, Captain. It still played for an 11-year-old.

45:25Bill Simmons:Next one, Ace gets heckled at the police station. Excuse me, I'd like to ask you a few questions. So I did that. I'll freely admit I used to do this to my kids, basically. Like when they were younger, because they thought this was hilarious. Yeah. And it was just a running joke in our family. It still makes me laugh. I'm not proud of it.

45:48Craig Horlbeck:assholio sodomia do you have a mint i see i didn't i don't think 16 year old me registered those jokes at the time it was nice to hear it was nice to hear them again it has a good

45:59Bill Simmons:throwaway line too at the end when she's like blah blah blah sean youngster blah blah blah there's gonna be hell to pay and he's like i'm not ready for a relationship yet or whatever like good that's a good line okay snuck it that one in the end but i love that whole scene the mansion party date I love a nice big rich mansion with a bad guy in a comedy like you never go wrong mention the food thing I think that's the big Kahuna burger word for best use of food or drink when he's eating the crab cake

46:26Craig Horlbeck:or whatever that is yeah

46:26Bill Simmons:or if you have another one what's your what's your other one

46:29Craig Horlbeck:when he's eating what are they sesame seeds in the ashtray do you want a cigarette I don't smoke it's a disgusting habit

46:36Bill Simmons:this has the Mission Impossible riff which by the way was a Going out of favor in the mid-90s because the show is from the 60s, so it was like tail end. And then Cruise brought it back. And now it's timeless again. Yeah, him scaling the fence.

46:54Craig Horlbeck:You don't realize right away that it's going to be as absurd as it is. That he doesn't need to do any of those acrobatic things. And he's just doing it because he thinks it's fun. Yeah.

47:06Zach Lowe:You get the snowflake gag where it turns out to be the shark. It's not snowflake.

47:11Bill Simmons:It's not snowflake. the ring ID montage when he's looking up with lineup by Aerosmith, which I think wins the kid cut. You pursued a happiness word, right?

47:20Zach Lowe:I was going to give that or mission impossible.

47:21Bill Simmons:Okay. Um, the sex scene with all the animals watching, the director said that was one of the most disturbing scenes he's ever filmed. By the way, the director was, I had that in my notes, Tom Shadyak, who also co-wrote the screenplay. He did Ace Ventura, the nutty professor, Larry, Larry, Patch Adams, Bruce Almighty. Wow. Yeah.

47:44Zach Lowe:Jim Carrey's guy. Also, apparently, Courtney Cox terrified of animals. And it was a mess on set. And she was petrified the whole time. That's bad casting.

47:53Bill Simmons:You got it. That's one of those where, like, the actor lies. Like, you ever played hockey before? Yeah, I've been skating my whole life. And then they get on set and they don't know how to skate. There was a scene where she interacted with the monkey

48:03Zach Lowe:and they said she was shaking so bad they had to cut it.

48:08Craig Horlbeck:ironically potentially the same monkey that was on friends yeah maybe it's marcel

48:12Bill Simmons:um the screenwriter jack bernstein actually came up with the pet detective idea after he watched a david letterman sketch about pet owners so letterman tentacles he had again uh two more rewatchable scenes visit to ray finkel's house which it's fun but when the mother goes Dan Marino should die. I've got to read her right now.

48:37Craig Horlbeck:I love it.

48:38Bill Simmons:She might come up in best hang, worst hang for me. Would you give that to Billy Bats, Jack Waltz a word for most biting and scalability? She might win like six categories. Ace gets into Shady Acres just for the slow motion run and then the football in the back.

48:55Craig Horlbeck:So you know what makes the slow motion thing is that he not only does it backwards, but that he talks backwards and it's just nonsense gibberish. And you're like, what is he doing? He's like, oh, he's mimicking what he would sound like if your words came out backwards.

49:11Zach Lowe:That's why even if you don't find this joke funny or that joke funny, it's just impressive.

49:16Bill Simmons:Yeah.

49:16Zach Lowe:Watching him do what he does. That's so hard to do to make yourself sound like you're speaking backwards. It's incredible.

49:21Bill Simmons:And I think the fight scene is really funny with him and Sean Young. It's just like, those fight scenes usually are bad in comedies. That one's actually good and it's like, it's funny that it has some twists and turns.

49:32Craig Horlbeck:Any other rewatchable scenes you have? The fight scene with the eagle at the end is also very good. The eagle mascot.

49:39Zach Lowe:One I'll add is the crime scene at the apartment after the guy allegedly commits suicide. The sliding glass door.

49:45Craig Horlbeck:My wife does that in life randomly when applicable. She will do that.

49:50Zach Lowe:I've been doing that since I was 12 years old.

49:52Bill Simmons:All right. So what's your most rewatchable?

49:53Zach Lowe:I think it's the fancy party. Ronald Camp's party. for me. Congratulations on all your success. You smell terrific.

50:01Bill Simmons:Ronald Cam played by Udo Kier, who was like just this very serious German actor they decided to cast.

50:08Zach Lowe:Him coming out of the bathroom, do not go in there. Yeah, so... So...

50:13Craig Horlbeck:How the throwaway moments make the film for me. That whole scene is my second favorite scene. Behind the pool, tank scene, whatever. When this... At the start of the Mission Impossible bathroom... When he's in the bathroom, the music hits and he's like he doesn't just walk he's like just this weird like almost thriller like zombie walk like what is happening why is he doing this and when he gets to the party

50:35Zach Lowe:that's the funniest scene in the movie to me that dance no when they get to the party and she's like don't embarrass me he's like

50:40Craig Horlbeck:like what he's like he's like is he trying to be a pterodactyl like what is this and then but his throwaway joke is when they meet Ron Camp and he's like he says to Courtney Cox aren't you going to introduce me to your date and she's like oh oh, you know, this is my lawyer. And Ron Camp thinks he's being clever. He's like, oh, does he have a name or should I just call him a lawyer? And Jim Carrey's like, oh. And there's like an underlying meanness and smugness to that facial expression that is just brilliant. Those are the moments that make the movie for me.

51:13Bill Simmons:I think he's the best walker ever in movies for like being able to pull off funny, crazy, different types of walks. Yeah, he's human. Because even when he comes in to the police office for the first time, and he's doing that walk, as he walks through. Like he just, his control of his own body. I can't think of anybody else like this. So I had forgotten about the scene

51:32Craig Horlbeck:right outside the door. Oh my God. Laughing out loud on the plane. I was dying. Yeah. Dying. Yeah.

51:38Zach Lowe:Have we ever seen Kerry play sports? Because he seems quite coordinated.

51:43Craig Horlbeck:Has he never done a sports movie, has he? He must know how to skate. He's Canadian. He's got to be a hockey player. I wonder.

51:49Bill Simmons:It's a recurring thing with some of the better comedians. Like they're really good athletes. like Belushi was like a great athlete

51:55Zach Lowe:Chris Farley a good athlete

51:56Bill Simmons:Chris Farley was an awesome athlete like these guys they can do physical comedy partly because they're just athletic

52:01Zach Lowe:yeah

52:04Bill Simmons:my most rewatchable scene is him at the police station that whole start to finish when he's getting heckled he does the ask you a question just all the way through I just like that the most what's the most 1994 thing about this movie what do you have

52:17Zach Lowe:Isotoner Gloves

52:19Bill Simmons:had that down as well

52:21Zach Lowe:I wrote down Dan Marino doing a commercial for Isotoner Gloves?

52:24Bill Simmons:I had Dan Marino as the Dolphins QB. I had the band Cannibal Corpse. Which I did not, I was not aware of them. I just, they feel like that, probably not doing a lot in 2025. Captain Steubing as an ironic comedy reference. Now that's just sailing over people's heads. My number one thing though is the Dolphins having a chance to win the Super Bowl. Oh, I knew somebody was going to go there. Yeah, that felt really 1995. for. It's been a while for them. What stage is the best? Wait, do we know... Does

52:57Craig Horlbeck:isotoner still exist? Great question. I don't even know what that is. It was this... Did OJ

53:03Bill Simmons:kill isotoner gloves?

53:06Craig Horlbeck:Or did he have a different type? I don't think he had isotoner. I think you just slandered isotoner. I don't know. Maybe you did. It'd be funny if the next rewatchable side look at the camera, I'm like,

53:15Bill Simmons:I'd like to apologize for his isotoner gloves. OJ did not wear them.

53:20Craig Horlbeck:You would see them advertised on television, right? Like you could order isotoner gloves. They were like the only gloves I'd ever heard of. I don't know how they became a thing, but they are a very 90s thing. Unclear if they're still around.

53:32Zach Lowe:Take Google Gemini for what it is. According to Google Gemini, yes, evidence in the O.J. Simpson trial indicated he owned and wore Aries isotoner gloves. And that was in June 94.

53:42Craig Horlbeck:I'd like to not apologize for what I said. Then they must not be available. And if they are available, I'm going on Amazon Prime right after this and getting a pair of isotoner gloves. Get the OJ's. Get the OJ classic edition. So they were just, with his signature on them,

53:56Bill Simmons:they were just fashionable gloves? Yeah, it was just somebody trying to own the gloves market. They were like, check these out, Isotoner, super comfortable. I don't know, everybody gave up on the glove market. What's age the best? What do you have? What's age the best?

54:11Zach Lowe:Courtney Cox. I had Courtney Cox as well. Absolutely. I would say giving people chances. Jim Carrey being this guy on In Living Color and just deciding to allow him to have a movie where he cooks for 90 minutes obviously aged incredibly well. And we saw it afterwards with Adam Sandler and Mike Myers and stuff like that. This kind of paved the way for just kind of letting somebody, letting an executive just be like, you know what? This guy's kind of funny. I see something in him. I'm just going to let him go.

54:38Bill Simmons:Right. Here's a budget.

54:40Zach Lowe:Yeah.

54:40Craig Horlbeck:Come up with an 86-minute movie for us. What do you have? I just think it's the entire Jim Carrey experience. I mean, I don't have a great answer for this one. I just think his career has gone up and down, obviously. But I think his performance in this movie, this is my favorite Jim Carrey movie still. And I think this performance is like the perfect distillation of how crazy he is as a comic superstar.

55:03Bill Simmons:I have, we mentioned earlier, what a great double idea this was for a movie. These two separate things that are actually pretty smart for a dumb comedy. Laces Out makes me laugh. It's just they're the best in general. whenever they talk about laces in a football. That's a great call. Game, I always kind of just think about that.

55:24Bill Simmons:Comedies where the lead policeman or detective is just a horrible driver. It always works. I don't know why everyone does do it. It's just like, oh, look at this guy. Oh, he drove into the garbage can. It always gets me. When he does the parallel park, like a clown. Yeah. 1990s Miami and Miami movies and the 80s and 90s being set in Miami before it became like a cliche to put stuff there.

55:50Craig Horlbeck:They're on South Beach for like, I recognize some of the places they're running on South Beach. I'm like, it doesn't even look like South Beach now. Like, it's not as glitzy.

55:59Bill Simmons:The Chess Rockwell and Brock Lander is a word for best character name. I threw this in. I really enjoy Tom Ace. Tom Ace. It's Tom Ace. Yeah. Tom Ace. Hi. Tom Ace.

56:11Craig Horlbeck:Roger Podactor? I was going to say. Pretty good name. I have two candidates for this. And one is Roger Padactor, which is also very close to podcaster. Sure. But it's also just, it's just a fun name to say. Yeah. With the Padactor didn't get, didn't commit suicide. And then I just think, you know, Ray Finkel. How fun is that to say? Ray Finkel. Cross the board. Ace Ventura. Great name.

56:33Bill Simmons:Good names. The Hans Gruber scale for villain ranking. Sean Young is the villain in this movie. I think we've got to do the Hans Gruber scale anytime there's a villain. Okay. I have her down four out of ten.

56:47Zach Lowe:I mean, on the crazy scale, she might be like an eight. What do you have? Execution, not so much.

56:53Bill Simmons:Three and a half, four. Yeah. Oh, it's Zach's first ever flex category. I'm so excited. Can't wait to see what he has here.

57:02Craig Horlbeck:I was going to go with... You guys aren't going to like this. The Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl Award for Worst Chemistry. Okay. I'm ready for it. I just find the Melissa Robinson character pretty bland. Like, where's the spice? There's, like, what does he see in her? What does he see in her? Other than her physical attractiveness. Does she say one funny thing in the whole movie? This was so... Is she funny at all for one second? I feel like you almost can't be. She needs to absorb him. There's no banter. They have no banter. There's nothing. She's like a blank wall for him to throw jokes at, except she's a pretty blank wall.

57:43Craig Horlbeck:so i'm gonna defend this in honor of courtney cox i'm not sorry i i think she is was her comic

57:50Bill Simmons:ability is wasted in the movie that's a fair point i think the trope with these movies was the the female who's usually hot was just kind of a straight man i also think part of the joke

58:04Zach Lowe:is that he is so insane and she doesn't bat an eye and is like i'm into him she doesn't even

58:09Craig Horlbeck:realize what's happening throughout the whole movie.

58:12Zach Lowe:But this is basically like Happy Gilmore. It's the same thing. Every movie, it just cuts later.

58:15Craig Horlbeck:She's got a little more spunk. She's like... Julie Bowen. Julie Bowen in that movie's got a little more spunk.

58:19Zach Lowe:I think it's intentional that every time it cuts to Courtney Cox, she's just like, oh, Ace. I think that's part of the humor. Also, does it make you feel any differently?

58:29Craig Horlbeck:It's not even clear to me when and why she goes from horrified by this person to now I'm in love with this person. That's because this isn't a good

58:39Zach Lowe:movie no no i'll tell you when they didn't really build that one in the condo the suicide crime scene when he figures that out that's when she falls for him and you can see it in her eyes

58:49Bill Simmons:you can see it in her eyes right for the first hour she's either like this guy's either a serial killer or special needs yeah i can't decide it's one of these two i think and then she's like oh

59:01Zach Lowe:maybe he's neither he's just a savant the character of ace is the hardest to buy when he first meets Melissa Robinson and she's describing to him the snowflake situation. He almost like can't interact with her. She's like, hi, nice to meet you. And he's like, hello, how are you? And she's like, did you like, were you able to park? He's like, like making a joke about getting a hand up his ass. Like he like actually can't have a human conversation with her and he's eating the sunflower seeds. That strains credulity a little bit

59:29Bill Simmons:and it eases throughout the rest of the movie. You know, the only moment in this entire movie when he talks in a normal voice is when she gets the phone call that the guy died, Roger Predactor.

59:41Craig Horlbeck:That's right. He goes back in the house. He walks in the room.

59:43Bill Simmons:He's like, Melissa, I'm sorry. Melissa, I'm sorry. But he's not doing Ace Ventura.

59:48Zach Lowe:It's the only time in the movie. And those moments are really good. In that same scene, I don't know why this is in the movie, but they're chatting, and he goes, what do you feed your dog? She's like, dog food? And he's like, he's clearly unhappy. And it's kind of serious that I don't really know why it's there, but it's really good.

1:00:03Bill Simmons:That scene's coming up later for me. the butch's girlfriend award for weak link of the film yeah i mean i have a i have a really hardcore one here a really what hardcore one okay nobody would wear their 1984 afc championship ring not one person i thought we had fucking absurd i was thinking of humans what we have what's age or worse coming up where we're gonna cover the problem with this movie the idea that everybody

1:00:30Zach Lowe:associated with that game still wears the ring every single person's like you know it's the

1:00:34Bill Simmons:highlight of my career the afc title game 10 years ago that i won and then we lost in the super bowl and i'm just gonna first of all people as as you guys both know people don't normally wear their rings anyway because they're big and heavy and cumbersome you're definitely not wearing your afc championship ring and if you did that's like maybe three guys on the team so that plot's just

1:00:57Craig Horlbeck:falling sideways the heat the heat people stand out in the nba community because they often wear their championship rings, at least one of them. And people, they are sometimes gently mocked for doing it, but they do it. Well, you know who does it.

1:01:12Bill Simmons:We don't have to name names, but the owners wear the rings. They're the ones that wear them because they love nothing more than somebody noticing the ring, pointing it out, and asking to put it on. And they're like, oh, yeah, sure.

1:01:25Zach Lowe:And they're the most important to the win, to the championship.

1:01:28Bill Simmons:This is like their walking trophy wife, basically. Joe Lake have made the Warriors light years ahead that's true don't get me started but the players don't wear them have you ever seen a player wearing one of their rings the irony of these rings is it's like gotta get the ring and then you fucking put it in a safety deposit box

1:01:43Zach Lowe:to continue on your point why would these people be wearing these rings also you know Finkel loses the gem and the ring in the tub why would she be wearing that when she's stealing the dolphin why

1:01:55Craig Horlbeck:she wouldn't that's because this is a dumb movie and also you're she's not

1:02:00Zach Lowe:she's not trying to advertise that she's in disguise yeah why is she wearing the ring at all

1:02:05Craig Horlbeck:would you have for a week link i wouldn't ask too many questions about the plot actually when once you start to unravel it's tough um i went a little more literal i i had the blandness of the courtney cox character also don't really get why tone loke is in the movie i wish i wish tone loked it up a little bit more um but you know but i i and i mean i'm going to talk more football later but i think the football parts of it are a little wanting mine was just the

1:02:32Zach Lowe:resolution of the movie is probably the weak link now you know it being yeah it looks like it was a

1:02:37Bill Simmons:tv movie made by i don't know tvs the hemorrhoids reveal and all of that you know aside from it not aging well it's just like kind of a weak resolution i think oh you meant the actual resolution yeah i thought you meant the resolution of the of the picture no you meant the resolution i mean the literal resolution the climax the intricate plot yeah well that's the problem every comedy from

1:03:00Zach Lowe:this era had a bad ending i'm half tying it into the fact that it's like obviously inappropriate but it's it is kind of like if that wasn't there probably a little bit more watchable did this movie have a porn parody well i looked it up and it did and it's called

1:03:17Bill Simmons:it came out in 1995 and it's called ass ventura crack detective directed by Herschel Savage

1:03:28Craig Horlbeck:What's the plot? Can you explain it? I mean, she calls him pet dick in the movie. That's waiting. You don't have to change it that much, you know? They did.

1:03:35Zach Lowe:Were animals involved or did they kind of move away from that?

1:03:38Bill Simmons:Honestly, I thought about doing more research and decided I didn't want to get a virus on my iPad. You can go to a dark place quick with the animals. Yeah, the porn parody thing, you want to search for it on IMDb, but you don't actually want to click on a link. What was it called?

1:03:52Craig Horlbeck:Ask Ventura Crack Detective. It's not even good. Crack's kind of a stretch. Like, that doesn't rhyme with it. Like, I can understand why it's there.

1:04:00Bill Simmons:Now I got to call this up because I didn't write down what the guy's name was. Crack detective is terrible. You could have just said sex detective. Ask Ventura, crack detective. So his name is Asford Asventura. Searches for Fanny, the wife of Los Angeles Mayor Peter Rumpford.

1:04:19Zach Lowe:I feel like they could have cast... I think I'm getting a virus. I got to get out of this. They could have cast the same woman from the first scene of the movie, probably in the porn parody as well.

1:04:27Craig Horlbeck:Easily. Maybe she double dipped. A more acrobatic and entertaining sex scene than the Courtney Cox, Jim Carrey sex scene.

1:04:34Zach Lowe:That opening scene when he's like, people sure are friendly around here. He's like riding on the door frame.

1:04:40Bill Simmons:We're gonna take one more break and do what's age the worst. Buckle up. Oh boy. This episode is brought to you by Tax Act. Like an expert coach, Tax Act offers step-by-step guidance and guaranteed accuracy when filing taxes. Get tips along the way. add expert assist to talk to tax experts and let our experts do your taxes for you with expert full service. Tax Act helps you find the deductions and credits you deserve so you can get them over with. Visit taxact.com to learn more. Conditions apply. See taxact.com for details. We're leaving today and entering a world of Mickey Mouse waving, princess meeting and greeting,

1:05:19Craig Horlbeck:lightsaber clashing, the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror dropping, Banshee flying! Space Mountain launching! Galaxy rewinding! What's the whole death of galaxy rewinding? Fireworks igniting!

1:05:33Bill Simmons:World of Other Worlds. For whatever you love, infinite worlds await at the most magical place on Earth. Walt Disney World Resort. All right, what's age the worst? We could spend 30 minutes on this, or we could spend 30 seconds. I vote for 30 seconds. The trans stuff in this movie is tough. 30-plus years later. I'm not going to defend it. It's 1994. This is just how it was in 1994. The one thing I will say about... So The Crying Game was a cultural phenomenon when it came out maybe 18 months earlier. It was a huge movie. The reveal was like, keep the reveal a secret. It was stuff that would never happen on the internet.

1:06:16Bill Simmons:And they're trying to parody The Crying Game in this, which I'm not sure anyone under 30 would even know that they're doing. Kerry said I want it to be the biggest most obnoxious homophobic reaction ever recorded he's parodying the crying game thing obviously he's not age well Naked Gun 3 also did a twist this 90210 in the sophomore year season finale episodes in Palm Springs also went down this road where Steve Sanders thought he was gonna hook up with this girl and it turned out he had a little surprise coming So this was in the air in the mid-90s. So we just have to put it in context. I'm sure you guys don't have anything to add.

1:06:58Bill Simmons:We could just move on. Great. Not great. Star Trek impressions have aged the worst because that show came out in 1966.

1:07:09Bill Simmons:And I wrote down Melissa liking Ace.

1:07:15Zach Lowe:I thought the same thing until I read that she literally liked him in real life, watching him on set. So how can you say it was unrealistic? Maybe he just wears you down. She even said that he was toned down in rehearsal, and when they actually started filming for real and he started going big, that was when she was like, oh my God, this is the funniest man I've ever met, and I started to develop a crush on him. Okay. So how can we deny Courtney Cox's feelings?

1:07:42Craig Horlbeck:She's full of a lot of love, and she loved laughing. The only thing I would add to age the worst, and this could also be my hot take, category i think some of the big jokes are just flat out not funny like i think talking out of the ass is not funny oh i think that just hurts my heart i think the text cob one uh where he's in the car chase and he says assholes in the mirror appear closer than they appear like lame

1:08:06Bill Simmons:there are a couple lame just flat lame here's the thing he's firing 12 threes a game he's he's just

1:08:14Craig Horlbeck:trying to go for it feels like some of them are scripted in ways that like the writers like we gotta hit this one hard. Like, this feels like a landmark joke. And I think almost all of them are like whiffs or fell balls.

1:08:24Zach Lowe:It also varies between like, that's pretty funny to a 12-year-old, maybe not funny to an 18-year-old. Yeah, I guess, what are they going for, right?

1:08:30Craig Horlbeck:They're not going for me right now in 2026.

1:08:33Bill Simmons:Can I ask you a question? It's a fucking murderer's row comedy for a six-year-old. I can just tell you from my two kids.

1:08:41Zach Lowe:Assholio and Sodomia. Yeah. The best part about that is it cuts away to Sean Young and then it cuts back to show that like, he's still going. and still doing the ass thing. I think the best part of that is...

1:08:52Craig Horlbeck:And now he's singing. I think the best part of that is Ton Loke being like legitimately terrified that he's going to get in trouble because Ace Ventura is fucking around at his desk and it's somehow... It's supposed to... He breaks at the end of it.

1:09:04Bill Simmons:Ton Loke. You can see him starting to be like this fucking guy. Like just starting to laugh at the end. I have a couple of what's Ace of the Words.

1:09:13Zach Lowe:The ending credits song. Did you hear it? Do you know that? It's bad. It's a Tone Loke song, but Jim Carrey does the intro, and he goes, Tone, put that big-ass size 13 on and kick it for the homies. That's like the very beginning of the credit.

1:09:28Bill Simmons:That's the last time a white person ever tried to say a sentence like that.

1:09:32Zach Lowe:That just doesn't really work. Professional sports teams having live animal mascots.

1:09:38Bill Simmons:Oh. Not really a thing anymore. See, I don't know if you know Zach's background with mascots. I'm a big mascot guy. He's probably the number.

1:09:47Craig Horlbeck:He means like live, like an actual trapped animal. I know, but this is one of your corners. Yeah, but if you were, I have no objection to that because if you replaced Snowflake the real dolphin. No, I'm saying you're excited that this topic came up. Oh, I'm very excited. I want to talk more about the Eagles mascot getting the crap kicked out of it at the end of the game.

1:10:05Zach Lowe:I have an issue with that that we'll get to. But yeah, can you think of a professional or a collegiate sports team that still has a live animal? Some do. There's the Georgia Bulldog. Because it's a freaking PETA. But it's a dog, so there's no, you know, that's not an issue.

1:10:16Craig Horlbeck:runs out, but we don't really know what's happening with the Buffalo at Colorado games in its general life. The Bulldog's strong. I like the Bulldog idea. But it's a dog, so it's not really animal school. The Celtics have an actual human being who's just a human without a costume really as their mascot. I don't know where that falls.

1:10:34Bill Simmons:What's your number one mascot?

1:10:36Craig Horlbeck:NBA right now? It's hard to argue with Benny the Bull. Benny the Bull or the Raptor would be number one and two. Stuffed and Magic Dragon most underrated.

1:10:44Bill Simmons:What was the worst mascot of the last 20 years for you?

1:10:47Craig Horlbeck:Well, they murdered the Brooklyn Knight, the creatively named Brooklyn Knight, who was like part Marvel superhero, part like Knight, and descended from the ceiling.

1:10:57Bill Simmons:That came out of some sort of marketing meeting

1:11:00Craig Horlbeck:going wrong. And then they were like, let's just pretend this never happened. Yeah. He left.

1:11:03Bill Simmons:I like when they pretend the mascot never happened is my favorite version of the mascot. Poochie went back to his planet.

1:11:08Zach Lowe:Did the dolphins have a real dolphin? Was that accurate?

1:11:10Bill Simmons:I don't know. I don't think so. People go to a football game. Guess what they want to do? get drunk in the parking lot before the game and then watch football. They don't care like, oh, there's a dolphin.

1:11:20Craig Horlbeck:Does LSU have a tiger? Did they have a tiger? I think they have a tiger. Still? I think it's in like a cage. It comes out. Pete is protesting it now.

1:11:30Bill Simmons:Any more? No. The Dorfler's Door Award for how much did that hurt? I threw this in there because I wanted to ask you guys. Falling off of three-story roof into a bunch of garbage bags, I feel like that would hurt more than it does in movies. We talked about this in another podcast recently where people jump into the dumpster. And it always works out perfectly with garbage bags. You never land on a broken wine bottle or somebody put a chainsaw in there. It's always like a nice comfy thing. I just have some questions.

1:11:59Craig Horlbeck:Again, this is a great – you're speaking some of these ideas into existence as we were doing earlier. So would that hurt?

1:12:07Zach Lowe:Yeah. There are probably – I mean there's a scene where two henchmen take a giant metal hook to the head. That's probably the one that will take you out.

1:12:14Bill Simmons:That's a good one. I think that would hurt. The Ruffalo hand and ribbon and partridge overacting.

1:12:17Craig Horlbeck:I have an answer for what hurts the most.

1:12:20Bill Simmons:What is it? During the asylum visit,

1:12:25Craig Horlbeck:when he reaches the end of his performance and he just smacks his head down into like a leather bench. Great call. I'm like, it looks like he actually just straight up at full velocity smacked his head into a leather bench. I'm sure it's padded and all that, but I'm like, he went hard in that. You have to respect it. That's what I'm saying.

1:12:43Bill Simmons:Stefan Diggs had one of those in the AFC title game when he headbutted the guy with the helmet on and he didn't have a helmet. These guys are nuts. Didn't Vrabel do that to somebody? Yeah. He was bleeding?

1:12:51Zach Lowe:Yeah.

1:12:53Bill Simmons:Ruffalo Hannah Rubinick Partridge overacting word. I don't know how this doesn't go to Sean Young. It's,

1:12:58Zach Lowe:and there's one moment of Sean Young. Ace Ventura! Like, I don't know what she's going for

1:13:02Bill Simmons:with the overacting.

1:13:03Zach Lowe:Just so into it. The final scene when they're in the warehouse and he's exposing her as a man, she's like convulsing and shaking the whole time.

1:13:14Craig Horlbeck:One of the most bizarre... Every time I watch that, I'm like, whose choice was this? It's like she's having a seizure. Did she go to the director and be like, I think what my character would do is just wobble here with a weird look on their face. Wouldn't she just have like an evil look on her face?

1:13:30Zach Lowe:Yeah, she's having like, I guess it's a psychotic breakdown, but she's like twitching and sweating and shaking.

1:13:36Bill Simmons:It's very strange. Well, this is exciting. Zach gets to do the CR thinks Luke Wilson could have been Harrison Ford hottest take award for the first time. I already did them all.

1:13:46Craig Horlbeck:Oh, okay. My three were all the big jokes with Courtney Cox's bland. Those aren't hottest takes. Those are not hot enough? Those are pretty hot takes.

1:13:55Zach Lowe:The name of the category is Chris Ryan thinks Luke Wilson could have been Harrison Ford.

1:13:59Bill Simmons:Yeah, hottest take has to be if Steph Curry never met Klay Thompson, we wouldn't know who he was. It's got to be like, whoa. I don't know if I have one that hot. Craig will teach you how to do this. I genuinely think Jim Carrey

1:14:10Craig Horlbeck:should have gotten an Oscar nomination for this one. I flirted with that and I thought maybe it's too ridiculous to say.

1:14:16Zach Lowe:I mean, you want to talk about a singular performance, something that is irreplaceable, that you cannot have anybody slot in and do? Find me a role that somebody else could do.

1:14:24Bill Simmons:Who do we have in the category? Do you have it?

1:14:27Zach Lowe:I'll pull it back up. Okay. Best Actor in a Leading Role, 95. Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump. Morgan Freeman, Shawshank Redemption. Oh. Nigel Hawthorne, The Madness of King George. Eh, probably would do that one again. John Travolta, Pulp Fiction. Yes. And Paul Newman, Nobody's Fool.

1:14:46Bill Simmons:It's a career achievement Oscar, even though he'd already won.

1:14:48Zach Lowe:You just can't tell me what Carrie is doing in this from a commitment, an acting, and a can-this-person-be-replaced perspective is one of one. Nobody can do what he did and make$100 million doing it.

1:15:00Bill Simmons:So a couple things, and I've said this on my pod. I've argued about this with Sean. I do think the comedy, like if they want to make the Oscars more fun, like funniest performance of the year should be an Oscar. They should do that.

1:15:12Craig Horlbeck:Well, now it's all a mess with these different... The Golden Globes was a complete mess with trying to... What counts as a comedy? What's not a comedy? None of these movies are actually funny.

1:15:21Zach Lowe:They split it between musical and comedy and drama

1:15:23Craig Horlbeck:just to nominate more movies.

1:15:24Bill Simmons:The other idea that's sitting there is MVP for the year. And it would have to be somebody that was in at least two important movies or influential movies or whatever. Like, Carrie's the MVP of 94. He puts out three comedies. He makes whatever. Nobody else is competing. Hank's had Forrest Gump. That's it.

1:15:43Zach Lowe:Yeah.

1:15:43Bill Simmons:Nobody else is competing with that. If you think of 94, you probably think of Carrie first. That should be commemorated in some way.

1:15:50Zach Lowe:Yeah. Like next year, Tom Holland is in the Odyssey. He's in Spider-Man. He's in Avengers. But it kind of turns into, do your movies gross the most money?

1:15:57Bill Simmons:No, but I don't even think it has to do that. Just like if you're in two, three different things, if you direct two movies in the same year, there's some sort of, or you make a movie and then you produce another movie.

1:16:07Zach Lowe:I even think best comedic performance would be great because they rarely give nominations to those people. and it would recognize them. It's such a bummer because they're some of the hardest things to do as an actor. It's be funny.

1:16:16Bill Simmons:My hottest take, I think Marino and Ace Ventura, who we didn't really talk about Dan Marino, I think it's the fourth best athlete playing himself cameo of all time. Not third, not second, not first, but I think fourth. I think he's like bad. No, I think it's important. I think he's funny. He's staying Dan Marino. He's keeping the course. he's like this is who I am I'm not going to try to act I'm just going to be Dan Marino I think he's kind of funny I think it's funny that he's not funny so here's what I have the Mount Rushmore for me is Kareem in Airplane Reggie Jackson in Naked Gun and Mike Tyson in The Hangover along with Dan Marino

1:17:02Craig Horlbeck:those first three are so much better than Marino

1:17:04Bill Simmons:well I needed a fourth for Mount Rushmore Jeter and the other guys other guys anybody It's brief. It's a cameo. It's a cameo. Favre and There's Something About Mary. Pretty good. Which sets up the Brett Favre joke. And Ken Griffey and Little Big League as himself. Yeah. But there's not a lot of... We've had athletes playing characters. Or Shaq playing like Neon. Stuff like that. But not like... I'm playing myself in this thing. I'm not disrupting the movie. And it's kind of fun that I'm here. I think Marino checks all the boxes.

1:17:36Craig Horlbeck:No Space Jam.

1:17:38Bill Simmons:Nobody... I can't count Space Jam.

1:17:40Craig Horlbeck:I think Space Jam is bad.

1:17:42Bill Simmons:Well, I'd say there's a reason it hasn't been on rewatchables.

1:17:47Zach Lowe:I think it's also surprising that Dan Marino's in this movie. Dan Marino's like 32, 33 when they filmed this. So, like, well in his prime.

1:17:54Craig Horlbeck:Both him and Don Shula. Right. Like, it's like, how? Why did you say yes to this?

1:17:59Bill Simmons:I gotta say it was a big deal that Dan Marino was in this movie. The equivalent of Jim Kelly being in this movie now?

1:18:06Zach Lowe:because again like as we said no one knew this movie was going to be a thing that's the thing

1:18:11Craig Horlbeck:it's it makes no sense that like did dan marino read the script and think you know what yeah it's

1:18:17Zach Lowe:kind of weird i like this i'm gonna be legitimately in this movie and get kidnapped i mean i don't even the 2026 parallel is like they're making a movie they're making them well no it's got it would be like they're making a movie with marcelo hernandez where patrick mahomes gets kidnapped wrapped yeah and then instead of tone loke it's like benson boone is the side character in it like i just that would never happen i can't believe they did it i can't believe he did it and i love

1:18:41Bill Simmons:that he's in it and he was really famous it was montana marino and elway were the three qbs for it's crazy 12 years those were the guys shula i'd forgotten about and it's it's two seconds funny too yeah you think marino's agent was like i think you should do this movie and marino's like the white guy and in living color? What happens? I get kidnapped? No, no, this would be good for you, Dan.

1:19:05Craig Horlbeck:You get to make out with Sean Young.

1:19:06Zach Lowe:He's like, all right.

1:19:07Craig Horlbeck:How much more money did Jim Carrey get than Dan Marino for their respective work in this movie?

1:19:13Bill Simmons:So Jim Carrey got$350 ,000. Marino probably got at least$50 ,000.

1:19:16Craig Horlbeck:Or the same amount. Or$350 ,000. I can't believe Dan Marino is doing this for less than$100 ,000.

1:19:21Bill Simmons:Did Isotoner pay for the Marino cameo? Ooh. Casting what ifs. Wow. Filmmakers first approached Rick Moranis, who declined.

1:19:33Zach Lowe:I think the entire casting what ifs for Ace Ventura is in What's Age the Worst.

1:19:36Bill Simmons:Whoopi Goldberg. Yeah, they flirted with a pet detective. David Alan Greer turned it down. Lauren Holley turned down the female lead that went to Courtney Cox. Daniel Stern was supposed to direct. There's a couple others for Ace.

1:19:50Craig Horlbeck:Judd Nelson? Judd Nelson, I was like, that feels like the internet. I didn't believe that. It feels like the internet made that up. And then Alan Rickman?

1:19:57Bill Simmons:Again, I didn't. What are we... See, Craig, this is why I decipher it through my shit detector when I read these. Especially when you go on IMDb when they have the trivia. But halfway down, it feels like you and I could just type stuff in. Like, Zach Lowe is considered to be Ace Ventura. That could just get in. Now, Alan Rickman did...

1:20:17Craig Horlbeck:What's the Star Wars parody that he did that he's fantastic in? No, Alan Rickman... Oh, sorry. I thought you were saying Moranis. the space movie where they're making the TV show, uh, where he's very funny in that movie. Um, Tim Allen's in it. Oh, galaxy quest. Yeah. So he had like a little fun side to him, but this is like, this movie doesn't exist. You can't, you can't possibly imagine Alan Rickman in this movie.

1:20:40Bill Simmons:I do believe Rick Moranis though. And I think he was still famous enough that it could have happened. Uh, best that guy. So ACE is landlord. Yeah. That's it. That's the one. That is the guy. He was Sosa's hitman from Scarface that Tony kills in the car. He's also Hector Salamanco. Look at you now!

1:20:58Zach Lowe:Yeah, Hector Salamanco. From Breaking Bad. Yeah. He's the guy in the wheelchair. He's funny in this movie. I heard the animals scratching around. He's really, he goes for it. I heard them animals in there, Ventura.

1:21:10Bill Simmons:The fat guy, the fat cop that heckles Ace is one of those guys. And he was on Seinfeld. He's been, I don't know what that guy's name is.

1:21:18Craig Horlbeck:I did his, it's John something. It's a long last name. I did his IMDb because he was going to be my answer for overacting heat check award because every line he delivered, like, he steps on the bug. He's like, homicide, Ventura. How are you going to solve that one? Yeah.

1:21:32Bill Simmons:It's, like, just so over the top. DM Waiters. Zach says no, Dan Marino. It's got to be the mom. Ray Finkel's mom, right? Miss Finkel.

1:21:42Craig Horlbeck:What? What is the award?

1:21:43Bill Simmons:DM Waiters' biggest heat check?

1:21:45Craig Horlbeck:I mean. Both great candidates. It's... She commands that house for two minutes. Yeah.

1:21:53Bill Simmons:It's a great... She's kind of weird looking. Yeah. I just... I dig her performance in this. It's great. The gonorrhea line kills me. Recasting couch director is City. I wanted more Dolphins. More Miami Dolphins. I just would have appreciated... Maybe they didn't have that many famous Dolphins at the time, but I would have put more NFL players in there.

1:22:13Zach Lowe:I like when he chloroforms the guy. Just like tackles him to the ground.

1:22:17Bill Simmons:Yeah, it's a crime. It's a pretty serious crime. The Tone Look part, I do think that would be the one I would really look hard at.

1:22:25Craig Horlbeck:Yeah.

1:22:26Bill Simmons:Like, if we're going pie in the sky, like, that's just Eddie Murphy for two scenes. If we're going realistic, like, why not run back one of the In Living Color guys? Like, just get Tommy Davidson to be Tone Look's part.

1:22:38Zach Lowe:Because Tone Look was quite famous at the time, right? He had Funky Cold Medina's pretty famous. And he had, does he have another one? Does he have Wild Thing?

1:22:46Craig Horlbeck:He had two or three huge hits.

1:22:48Bill Simmons:Oh, I guess he had Wild Thing, too. Yeah.

1:22:49Craig Horlbeck:Yeah.

1:22:50Bill Simmons:I don't know. Nobody's going to the movie to go see Tone Loke. No offense to Tone Loke.

1:22:56Craig Horlbeck:I think the Sean Young character you can recast with 25 different people. Sharon Stone? Just, whoa. Craig, you have a flex that you got. Okay.

1:23:06Zach Lowe:I created a new category, and I figured it was time to introduce this because this happens in every movie we do that's in the 80s and 90s. It's the millennial missed reference power ranking. And these are all the things that happen in this movie that when I saw it, and even half of them to this day, it goes right over my head. Hi, Captain Stubing. Howard, go for a doc. No idea what that meant. The crying game song. No idea what that was. The captain's log. I just can't do it, Captain. No idea what that was. For God's sakes, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pool man. No idea what that is. That's a great line, by the way.

1:23:41Zach Lowe:He asked for binaca at one point. Yeah, the ass does.

1:23:44Craig Horlbeck:I don't know what binaca is. Binaca doesn't exist anymore? It's breath spray. Okay. It was big around that time. That was a big time for Pinocchio.

1:23:52Zach Lowe:There's a line where Ventura says, busted out of a mental institute, did a Claude Rains, and he's been plotting his revenge for years. I don't know what Claude Rains means.

1:23:59Bill Simmons:I'm not even sure I know who Claude Rains is. I think he was an actor. I used to know him.

1:24:03Craig Horlbeck:My brain forgot. I have exercised the demons. It's another big joke that I don't like. I think that scene is one joke too long, and that's the joke. Which I learned is from Poltergeist, which I have since seen that this house is clear. It's the short lady. I hated that. That's the hammer. They intend that to be the hammer of that sequence. And it doesn't ruin it, but it taints it.

1:24:26Zach Lowe:A couple more. Just Tone Loke in general. Didn't know who that was or why he was in that movie. Tone Loke in general. I had to look it up for the Funky Cole Modena song. Tonight on Miami Vice, Crockett gets the boss a coffee. I didn't know at the time. Right over my head. And then Lovely Party. Pretty I wasn't invited. Sean Connery. Didn't know it at the time. Good category. So many things that - It's a very good category. When you're 14 or whatever, I laughed at all of it. No idea what any of it meant. I mean,

1:24:54Craig Horlbeck:but I had the same experience in 1994. I didn't watch Star Trek. The Captain Steuben line, I wouldn't have got it all. The Pool Man line, I wouldn't have got it all. Like a lot of that, at that time, despite the fact that I'm much older than a millennial, I would not have gotten it.

1:25:09Zach Lowe:And you know what? I think it makes the case for making cultural references in movies because everybody tries not to do that anymore because it's like, oh, in five years, nobody will get it. And I don't think it matters. I think if the movie is funny and the character is funny, that stuff will age in a fun way, like an Easter egg kind of way.

1:25:23Bill Simmons:The only time I've really seen it be damaging was Wayne's World 2, where it was beyond the cultural references and the whole thing is basically a parody of the movie The Doors that you wouldn't know if five years later what was going on.

1:25:36Zach Lowe:If the whole movie is one reference, then nobody gets that stuff.

1:25:40Bill Simmons:But I'm with you. One of the reasons I like when people do that, not just because I get all the jokes, it does firmly place you in whatever year the movie was made right yeah so if you did it now somebody would make like a stranger things joke or something it would just like belong to 2026

1:25:56Zach Lowe:yeah like if somebody like was doing something you got a little bloody nose from stranger things and they didn't they didn't acknowledge it that would be great and people would love that yes

1:26:05Bill Simmons:half-faceted research we did a lot of these one of my favorite things in the research was jennifer aniston once told a story about visiting courtney cox and bringing a copy of the movie to watch and Courtney Cox refused to watch it. He was apparently embarrassed by it. Again. Real life Dolphins kicker Pete Sojanovich filled in for Sean Young and did the kick and nailed all the takes.

1:26:29Craig Horlbeck:So he's got the wig on. They brought Pete Sojanovich and put a wig on. You can kind of tell if you watch it again. Put the... Interesting twist wrinkle to this

1:26:38Bill Simmons:after the movie comes out. Marino, one of his best chances. I can't remember if it was 94 or 95. One of his best chances to make the Super Bowl. Probably his last big chance. I think it was for the 95 when the Chargers made it and they lost. They're beating the Chargers 21-6. Chargers come back. Take the lead 22-21. The reason I remember this score is because I had wagers on this game. There was no question why you remember the score. Marino gets the ball with 30 seconds left. I think I'm remembering this right. Long pass interference. to get into field goal range for Pete Stojanovic, who missed the field goal.

1:27:18Wow.

1:27:19Bill Simmons:Ended their season. I do, I do. The curse of Ace Ventura.

1:27:23Craig Horlbeck:I do say, I do, when I watch movies that have heartbreaking sports moments, and this one, like, Scott Norwood can never watch this movie. Like, think about the things that Scott... No, it is, it's a, like, crying game.

1:27:34Bill Simmons:It's, like, a parody of the Scott Norwood thing, too. They made it 26 yards, which is, like... Gary Anderson... Billy Cundiff's, like, the only one who's... Gary Anderson could never watch this movie. No. Couldn't watch it. Not sure. Hopefully the Patriots kicker won't have the experience of being scarred by this.

1:27:48Zach Lowe:Speaking of, I mean, Dan Marino getting abducted right before the Super Bowl. Who are they playing? The 2025 Patriots? Wow. Somebody keep an eye on Darnold this week.

1:28:02Craig Horlbeck:I do think the Super Bowl, it looks like the least amount of pageantry, the least hyped crowd ever for a Super Bowl. and no one seems it's really bad well Dan Marino was

1:28:15Zach Lowe:kidnapped

1:28:15Craig Horlbeck:and no one seems like that concerned like the Super Bowl is just going on I had this in nitpicks

1:28:22Zach Lowe:the chief of police Super Bowl is happening

1:28:24Bill Simmons:the traffic for the Super Bowl is a fucking nightmare and even in 1984 it was a nightmare and they're just like yeah let's get him to the game easily get him to the game

1:28:31Craig Horlbeck:and he comes back at halftime and they just announce like and Dan Marino's back and everyone's like oh great it's gonna be an exciting second half

1:28:38Bill Simmons:Apex Mountain carry not yet but we're close I think it's after I think it's after Dumb and Dumber that's it Courtney Cox we're not there yet but we're moving in the vicinity I think it's Scream I think it's Scream and Friends at the same time Dan Marino no it's the mid 80s for Dan Marino three straight years leading the league in passing makes Super Bowl seems like he's gonna be the best quarterback of all time the Dolphins since their last title in 1972 I think this is arguably the apex for them the last 30 years. This is it. Like, we were the team in Ace Ventura. What else is good that's happened to them?

1:29:17Bill Simmons:We don't know if they win the Super Bowl, though, in Ace Ventura. They probably could have slid that into the credits.

1:29:22Zach Lowe:Did we know the score at halftime? No.

1:29:24Bill Simmons:No idea. They don't care. They're not interested. Miami movies, no. Pet Detectives, yes. Jim Carrey's 1994, just in general, is just a general apex mountain for comedy actors. Do you think this is the best 1994 Jim Carrey movie? No. I don't.

1:29:45Zach Lowe:Dumb and Dumber?

1:29:46Bill Simmons:I would go Dumb and Dumber, Ace Ventura, Mask. I agree. But I think if you're talking about a one-year comedy actor year, I think this is probably it.

1:29:55Zach Lowe:I mean, I can't believe.

1:29:56Craig Horlbeck:I don't even particularly like The Mask. It's fine.

1:29:59Zach Lowe:I don't either.

1:30:01Craig Horlbeck:The one-two punch of Ace Ventura and Dumb and Dumber is... And The Mask just being in the middle, making a shitload of money for it. I think it made the most out of the three of them.

1:30:09Bill Simmons:You could just retire after that. AFC Championship rings. I think this is the apex mountain. It's the only time anyone, there was this much dialogue about it. All right. Cruz or Hanks?

1:30:20Zach Lowe:Hanks, right?

1:30:21Craig Horlbeck:It's Hanks. To play Ace Ventura? Yeah. No, a hard disagree. Tom Cruise? Cruise. Oh, my God, Zach. And here's why. I knew the wheels would come off for you. Tom Hanks is like Mr. Americana. But you didn't see Bachelor Party.

1:30:37Bill Simmons:80s Tom Hanks could have been. first of all how dare you 80s tom hanks could have been ace vintora hanks can be goofy tom

1:30:44Craig Horlbeck:cruise i'm not talking about turn up the goofy i'm not talking about goofy i'm talking about in some of the smug nastier moments of this movie you can see the seeds of like what becomes not quite the cable guy but that that level of smugness yeah and meanness like i can't believe we haven't discussed the scene where we're gonna get to it i hope we're bam bam bam he hits courtney Cox with three of the nastiest insults in a row like rapid fire like that's just okay and like Cruz has that little darkness in his arsenal that I just don't think Tom Hanks has and physicality you need some physicality I'm not swearing you guys off Tom Hanks imagine Tom Hanks making faces and doing these stuff you can't do it

1:31:28Zach Lowe:I can't overstate how fucking weird it would be if Tom Cruise was trying to be Ace Ventura it just wouldn't work

1:31:32Bill Simmons:Tom Cruise has only done comedy once in 40 years and he had to wear a fat suit He was in a disguise, basically.

1:31:38Craig Horlbeck:It's not going to work. None of this is going to work. This is a one-man unicorn performance. Yeah, you're right. But I'm picking Cruz over Hanks if I have to.

1:31:45Bill Simmons:Well, you got outvoted because we both pick Hanks. Well, you're wrong. Yeah.

1:31:48Zach Lowe:You lost two to one. Can I quickly do a couple other half-assed internet researches that I found?

1:31:54Bill Simmons:Yeah.

1:31:55Zach Lowe:I watched this movie twice in the last two days. On the second watch, there is a scene when Ventura and Einhorn kiss, and they're kind of hanging out in her office. on the desk is a banana with two apples next to it. On her desk.

1:32:09Bill Simmons:Like a clue.

1:32:10Zach Lowe:Yes. Okay. Had no idea. And then one other thing I thought was cool was that I don't know if either of you had the VHS for this movie but it came with the Ace Ventura card in the VHS and you could like put it in your wallet. So I thought it was cool.

1:32:21Craig Horlbeck:I did have the VHS for this movie and I don't remember that.

1:32:24Zach Lowe:Yeah.

1:32:24Craig Horlbeck:Maybe I just didn't notice it.

1:32:26Bill Simmons:I don't think I got the VHS.

1:32:28Zach Lowe:It's a great idea.

1:32:30Bill Simmons:Scorsese or Spielberg?

1:32:32Craig Horlbeck:Is it bad? I kind of went Scorsese.

1:32:33Bill Simmons:Yeah, I voted Scorsese.

1:32:35Craig Horlbeck:A thousand percent Scorsese, and I repeat everything I said about why it has to be Cruz. There's a darkness and a smugness to this character that Spielberg is just not going to tap into. Tom Cruise. Hello, Satan.

1:32:48Bill Simmons:Scorsese would make him a cocaine addict and probably really blow it out. He's in the Miami drug scene.

1:32:53Craig Horlbeck:He would have straight up murdered the guy with the chloroform. That guy would be dead.

1:32:57Bill Simmons:Yeah.

1:32:58Craig Horlbeck:Who'd you have for best hang, worst hang? best hang i debated between uh ray finkel's mom seems like a great time get some cookies yeah hear some stories about ray and i just think i would go out for beers after work with roger podactor just seems like a good guy cares about his job fun guy to be around no nonsense lives in a great penthouse apartment in miami i think he deserves a little love yeah he thought

1:33:27Bill Simmons:Einhorn was into him. I think Zach, like, knowing how Zach operates when he's on these road trips, when he's like, yeah, I'm going with the Toronto, the head scout, or like, he'd be like, yeah, I'm in Miami. Roger Predactor and I are getting drinks. Yeah, Roger Predactor just told me they might trade for Jay Fiedler. I had Rebecca for best hang just because she's cute. Rebecca? I think Ace would be the worst hang. Who the hell is Rebecca? Not Rebecca. What's her name? Melissa? Courtney Cox. Melissa.

1:33:55Craig Horlbeck:She's on my list for worst hang. Nah, she's great. Completely uninteresting. What am I going to talk to her about?

1:34:00Zach Lowe:You don't have to talk.

1:34:01Craig Horlbeck:Apparently what I can do is just insult her endlessly and there's no repercussions at all, which I guess is a great hang.

1:34:07Zach Lowe:My best hang, I'd like to spend a night with Woodstock, the guy who works underneath a concert venue. He's on my list. Hacking whaling fleets. He's on my list.

1:34:14Bill Simmons:That's probably a fun night with him. These movies always have a guy like that who's just, he's in one scene, he's just in some lair doing weird shit.

1:34:22Craig Horlbeck:I thought you had a challenge for me, Ace. They're like, what are you doing?

1:34:25Bill Simmons:He's like, I'm hacking a whaling fleet. You're like, what? I have Ace for worst hang. I think after 10 minutes, you'd want to put a gun to your head. You're like, all right, Ace, I get it. I went Einhorn. Picking Nets. Who fed Ace's pets all day? That's a good question. There's like 20 pets in there, and he's gone for long stretches of time. Does he have a pet feeder? Pet walker? Who's walking the dog?

1:34:51Zach Lowe:He doesn't even particularly seem like a really good pet owner. for how much he loves pets. Yeah. They all are jammed in his apartment. He has no money, so he can't feed them.

1:35:00Bill Simmons:What does that apartment smell like? Like, you're bringing a girl back there. That thing must smell like a freaking zoo.

1:35:05Zach Lowe:He kind of had no issue with the fact that that Snowflake was a dolphin that they used for show. You know? That wasn't a problem.

1:35:14Bill Simmons:So, is your take Ace Ventura didn't actually like pets that much? I don't know. It was just a job? I don't know.

1:35:18Zach Lowe:He clearly felt a connection to him.

1:35:20Bill Simmons:He found a niche.

1:35:21Craig Horlbeck:What do you have for picking nits? I have a bunch. I was going to be the only one. That's it. It was an opportunity. Yeah. I had some of the jokes I didn't like and just the Super Bowl. It's like, this is the Super Bowl. I want to know who won the Super Bowl. Did the Dolphins win the Super Bowl? Did Snowflake perform at the Super Bowl? How does Marino do in the second half? I know. Like, who goes to prison for this? How many people go to prison?

1:35:44Bill Simmons:I had how did they get Snowflake to the Super Bowl. and also the real final score was San Francisco 38, Miami 16 in the Ray Finkel game. They cheated with that. I would have liked to have known who won this Super Bowl. Did the Dolphins prevail? I just had more questions.

1:36:01Craig Horlbeck:And I guess this doesn't count, but there's no version of this movie that should not have the Dolphin trainer seen within a scene. The fact that that's not in the movie anymore, no matter where you stream it, is unconscionable. I'm going to say unconscionable.

1:36:15Zach Lowe:i had a couple i why was ray finkel a replacement kicker if he was so good he comes in halfway through the season but then when when jim care when the ace does the research on him two division one records he holds the division one record for most points and longest kick so why if he's so good why was why did he get added mid-season to the dolphins that doesn't make any sense um at the end of the movie the eagles mascot who ace punches what he's on the dolphin sideline trying to get gatorade makes no sense why is he over there infiltrating maybe he's

1:36:45Craig Horlbeck:Can you come back with some information?

1:36:46Zach Lowe:No clue there. There's a line at the end of the movie when they're in the warehouse and it's all going down. Maybe you guys know what's going on. Einhorn is talking to Dan Marino and she goes, want some refreshments, Dan? And then she leaves to go get him what? Why does she leave? And that's why Jim Carrey can bust him out.

1:37:04Craig Horlbeck:Also, two classic just old fish goons. Old fish mobster goons. Those guys are great. Unnamed, just incompetent at their jobs. Why did she hire these? Those guys are in every movie. Who are they?

1:37:15Zach Lowe:I don't know why. She says it twice. Want some refreshments, Dan? No idea what that's about. And then the last one is just what is Einhorn's, what is her actual plan? So she's a disgrace kicker. She goes to a mental institute and is like, I'm going to break out, quickly rise up the ranks of Miami PD, become a woman, and then eventually kidnap Dan Marino so I can kill him when the Dolphins eventually make the Super Bowl?

1:37:40Bill Simmons:I mean, can we stop 40 % through that question? What about the part that she just became the lieutenant in this police station? Maybe she loves police work.

1:37:51Craig Horlbeck:She's just really good at it.

1:37:52Bill Simmons:But I'm pretty sure it takes longer to become the lieutenant. Like, you're starting in the ground. You work your way up. You're an officer for years. Yeah. You become assistant lieutenant, then eventually the lieutenant.

1:38:03Zach Lowe:Is that the easiest way to get to Dan Marino, is I need to become the lieutenant of the Miami PD?

1:38:07Bill Simmons:See, this is the problem, is I don't think they spent more than 20 minutes coming up with a plot for this movie. This is the weak link of the movie. Yeah, you know.

1:38:16Craig Horlbeck:Also, you can just get into a very expensive-looking mental institution, like show up, act crazy. Do they have any money? How are they going to pay? Is he going to live there?

1:38:24Bill Simmons:Speaking of the mental institution, I had for a picky nit just finds the right room with all the Lois Einhorn evidence. Just sitting there in a closet.

1:38:33Craig Horlbeck:No indication that that would be a special room. It's just a dorm.

1:38:38Zach Lowe:Underrated funny scene is him trying to get into the box. It's a great scene. And the guy's, because that guy always comes in. That's every trope the guy comes in, and he's just stuck in the box, busting out of it. It's great.

1:38:49Bill Simmons:Why was the Dolphin this important, and would anyone have actually cared? I think it's important. I think I'm going to go with all the Dolphins fans are more excited that their team's in the Super Bowl and has a chance to win for the first time in 22 years. I could see it becoming a scandal. Missing Dolphin. It's a Tuesday Super Bowl story. By Thursday, people are like, who's winning? Who do you got? Who'd you bet on? If the beloved Seahawk was stolen this week, people would probably care. I don't know

1:39:15Zach Lowe:would they?

1:39:16Bill Simmons:probably or were they talking about Drake May's shoulder and Belichick getting snubbed by the time people watch this the Super Bowl have happened that's right I hope the Patriots won sequel prequel prestige TV all black cast are untouchable they did a sequel and they did some other stuff I think there was a TV show animated animated TV show it's impressive

1:39:36Zach Lowe:I loved the sequel as a kid I think Ace coming out of the Rhino's ass is maybe the funniest moment in any Ace Ventura And I think it's remarkable that they made another movie that was somehow more offensive than the first one.

1:39:49Bill Simmons:They ratcheted up. They like doubled down. Why not?

1:39:52Craig Horlbeck:Why wouldn't you? You get through Ace Ventura and you're lauded for it. You're like, well, I guess you could just do anything.

1:39:56Bill Simmons:And I loved it as a 15-year-old. Legendarily troubled production. I think they might have changed directors at one point. It was one of those. The comedy sequels are always a disaster. All right, so is this movie better with Wayne Jenkins, Fergie the Florist, or a million people? Normally we have Chris Ryan here doing an impersonation. I think this is the perfect time for Zach to answer the question is this movie better with Tom Thibodeau I don't know what would his role be in the movie what I just wanted you to do Thibodeau in person Ice Ice Ace

1:40:26Zach Lowe:what the fuck are you doing over here

1:40:29Craig Horlbeck:Ace

1:40:29Bill Simmons:he could be one of the henchmen at the end Ice Ice just one Oscar who gets it we've already answered this is Jim Carrey come on probably unanswerable questions i only have one do you guys have one for this i have a couple okay we've covered most of mine um what do you have craig did einhorn and the henchman place a bet on the eagles interested after the bookie yeah probably lower stakes i don't think they're in it for the money do you make that bet five months in advance knowing

1:40:59Zach Lowe:you're going to kidnap marino or even a month in advance right when you make that bet right before you capture marino before the line swings make a lot of money i don't think i don't think

1:41:07Bill Simmons:they're in it for the money. I have one relating to the game. I think if Dan Marino had gotten kidnapped right before the Super Bowl, I think that's the biggest sports story of all time. I think that's the most interesting thing that ever could have happened in any sporting event is the quarterback, the star quarterback on one of the two teams has been kidnapped. First of all, do they have the game? I don't think you have the game. I think the game is postponed. football stops right they're like is this guy dead what happened to dan marino we have to find him

1:41:43Zach Lowe:do you think it matters which quarterback it would be like like it's like oh wolf mahomes

1:41:47Bill Simmons:we're canceling the super bowl well we're doing this before the new super bowl yeah if it was drake may versus sam if sam darnold's kidnapped they're not having the game either one it's a no it's like we're holding off until we find sam darnold right they're not like let's have the game anyway because then all that would happen is you could just kidnap the best players on other teams and you know bet money on the other team before you do it yeah they're stopping the game

1:42:14Zach Lowe:pandora box and the question is is if they find him five months later then what do you just have the super bowl yes football is when do you resume football has this happened in soccer it must have

1:42:26Bill Simmons:a player getting kidnapped yeah that must have happened in one of these european or latin

1:42:31Craig Horlbeck:american what's the plot of celtic pride which i never saw isn't this the plot of celtic pride Don't they kidnap someone? They do. We don't acknowledge Celtic Pride. Okay. Yeah.

1:42:39Bill Simmons:That movie never happened. That's in the never happened movies. But yeah, I do think this is the biggest story, like excluding somebody dying or something. I think this would have been the biggest sports story.

1:42:51Zach Lowe:What else did you have for our answer, Melissa? Did Einhorn learn the tuck from Buffalo Bill?

1:42:59Bill Simmons:You think there's some Buffalo? So Buffalo, Silence of the Lambs comes out 1991. I mean, it was a very strategic talk.

1:43:07Zach Lowe:She kind of maneuvered that.

1:43:07Bill Simmons:I think it is a little silence of the lamb. It's probably like an homage.

1:43:11Zach Lowe:Also, in that scene, when he exposes her chest and sees that she has boobs, and he goes, that kind of work, that kind of surgery can be done over the weekend. But it's not overnight.

1:43:22Craig Horlbeck:Something about the word weekend and the way he says it is why that's funny.

1:43:26Zach Lowe:Acknowledging that there's a little bit of work. He's like, that kind of work can be done over the weekend.

1:43:32Bill Simmons:what piece of memorabilia would you want from the movie zach or not want uh i went want okay

1:43:39Craig Horlbeck:the obvious one would be one of the rings yeah uh would be ray finkel's ring with the one stone

1:43:44Bill Simmons:ray finkel's ring with the stone that's the highest that's that's selling for the most in

1:43:48Craig Horlbeck:an auction i would like one of the die dan die crocheted like coasters or whatever that grandma Finkel made one of those. Or the notebook that has just laces out, scrawled all over it.

1:44:00Zach Lowe:Yeah.

1:44:00Craig Horlbeck:I have the ring.

1:44:01Zach Lowe:Or any of the 90s dolphins. I have the ring, but I'll tell you,

1:44:05Bill Simmons:it did catch my eye, the Collier County Home to Ray Stinkle sign. It said Ray Finkel, and they turned it into Stinkle. It's a really, if you actually look at that sign, it's really cool.

1:44:15Zach Lowe:That could be right there. Looks good.

1:44:16Bill Simmons:Yeah, I thought about it. It's big. It looks like it would take up like. Can you buy it? Is it on eBay? I mean, they probably threw it away, right?

1:44:25Craig Horlbeck:I don't know. I don't know. It's a really cool sign. I don't know if this counts, but you could, you could make, cause you could make it, but the mannequin with the Marino Jersey and the knife in the heart. Yeah. Standing right here.

1:44:35Bill Simmons:Coach Finstock, Mr. Maggie award for best or worst life lesson.

1:44:40Craig Horlbeck:Laces out.

1:44:42Bill Simmons:Yeah.

1:44:42Craig Horlbeck:Laces out. I think it's, you can be worst life lesson. You can be an absolute dick to this beautiful woman and still end up with her in the end. I can't believe we haven't talked about the machine gun of. Just how courting was in the early 90s. Have you ever heard of it?

1:44:59Zach Lowe:It's negging. You ever heard of negging?

1:45:01Craig Horlbeck:Yeah, and you're ugly. Why don't you cry about it? Saddlebags and then throwing out fatty right after that. She's like, I love this guy. What's happening right now?

1:45:10Bill Simmons:And 10 seconds later, her best friend dies. She's like, I'm in on this guy. Best double feature choice. I had there's something about Mary because I get to stay in Miami. It's a different kind of later 90s comedy. Different actors. And you get Favre. I get Favre. I get both football quarterbacks. I went Dumb and Dumber. I also went Dumb and Dumber, which is just brilliant movie. Then who won the movie? Jim Carrey.

1:45:32Zach Lowe:Was the laces out thing known before this movie? The Scott Norwood kick. Was the laces out thing known at that time? I don't ever remember. That the holder screwed up the kick? I don't even know.

1:45:43Craig Horlbeck:Is it a real thing?

1:45:44Zach Lowe:Yeah. Apparently, people defend Norwood and say that the laces were facing sideways. And it's why it pushed right.

1:45:52Bill Simmons:I never know what to believe because they're always like, he missed that because of the high snap. And then half the time, guys make it when it's a high snap.

1:45:59Zach Lowe:So this movie was the first time you had heard of the idea of the laces being positioned in any direction.

1:46:04Craig Horlbeck:That was totally, I was totally unaware of it. And I feel like I haven't heard it since other than references to Ace Ventura.

1:46:10Zach Lowe:McAfee has defended this, saying this is totally real. The laces do need to be out because the laces are the softest part of the football. So if you kick that, it compresses the most and can like, wobble. So, I don't know.

1:46:23Bill Simmons:Interesting.

1:46:24Zach Lowe:Yeah. Which, it's incredibly impressive that the holders, apparently, like, even the way the ball is snapped is designed so that the laces land in the holder's hands, laces out. And then it's their job to quickly adjust if it's in the wrong direction by even a couple degrees so that it's completely 180 away from the kicker's foot.

1:46:44Bill Simmons:This is normally the part of the podcast when we go to producer Craig for his reaction, but he's one of the hosts today. so we don't need to do that. But we can thank Ahau.

1:46:52Zach Lowe:Yeah.

1:46:52Bill Simmons:We can thank Eduardo. Yeah. Zach Lowe, your first rewatchable is under your belt. How do you feel?

1:46:56Craig Horlbeck:I feel good. I feel like I submitted a list of 10 to 12 movies and you picked the silliest one by an exponential degree. Just want to put it out there. I also had Dog Day Afternoon was on my list. So I ran the gamut. All right.

1:47:09Bill Simmons:This is just saying. He's on Netflix and on Spotify. You're on Netflix and on Spotify. Ringer Fantasy Football Show. The Zach Lowe Show. I got the Bill Simmons podcast we're back with Rewatchables next week with another movie that we're going to try to pick that's on Netflix and I do want to remind people that Eddie and the Cruisers is now available to be purchased or rented if you ever want to know because we're going to do Eddie and the Cruisers at some point it's finally out I know you're excited yeah I don't know anything about that movie this is the first this has only been a couple times in Rewatchables history where we've bitched and moaned about a movie not being available and then it actually happened pump up the volume yeah We just did the episode.

1:47:50Bill Simmons:We were like, and then all of a sudden it magically appeared in the streamers. The next one is Revenge of the Nerds you cannot find on the internet. Kiss of Death, Irreconcilable Differences we talked about. Sure Thing not really available. Yeah, that's on YouTube. They're mostly from the 80s and 90s. So hopefully we'll have some more. Zach Lowe, a true pleasure. Craig Coralbeck, great to see you. Thanks for coming on.

1:48:25Bill Simmons:This episode is brought to you by Athletic Brewing Company. No matter how you do game day, on the couch, in the crowd, or manning the snack table,

1:48:33Zach Lowe:Athletic Brewing fits right in. With a full lineup of non-alcoholic beer styles, you can enjoy bold flavors all game long. No hangovers, no buzz, no subbing out for water in the second half. Stock the fridge for tip-off with a variety of non-alcoholic craft styles available at your local grocery store or online at athleticbrewing.com.

1:48:52Bill Simmons:Near beer, fit for all times.

1:48:55Zach Lowe:If you're a content creator, you know the struggle of picking between quality and quantity to grow your channel, especially if you're on a tight budget. But why not choose both? With Storyblocks, you get everything you need to create amazing videos fast. Instead of expensive pay-per-clip pricing, you get unlimited downloads from a library with millions of stock assets for one set price. Go to storyblocks.com slash Spotify to learn more.