‘Kindergarten Cop’ With Bill Simmons and Kyle Brandt

13:32Bill Simmons:Has to be first.

13:33Kyle Brandt:And I think it's not a tumor is more famous than get to the chopper, which is really well known from predator. I think it's all the way up there. This throwaway line he has with this kid, but it's fun to say, and everybody will say it. If you mentioned this movie, I think you're right. I think it took a second line

13:50Bill Simmons:life when Imani Toomer actually showed up on the Giants, which was what, mid-90s? Yeah. And I'm 99 % sure Berman, who was doing the nicknames. And the nicknames were funny back then. We didn't have the internet. We didn't know any better. If you go back, some of them are pretty forced.

14:07Kyle Brandt:Yeah. Jeff Brown Paper Bagwell, Eric Sleeping With The Enemy.

14:10Bill Simmons:I got to say, I really enjoyed them way back when, but when he was doing the Imani, it's not a tumor. It was the best one of all the ones. So it's not a tumor. Lived on through Tumor's entire career, basically.

14:24Kyle Brandt:But from my understanding is that Boomer, to this day, will have a nickname for everyone he encounters at ESPN. Did you ever get a nickname from Boomer?

14:33Bill Simmons:No. He didn't like me for a while. No. I don't know what happened, but maybe I made a joke about him in a column or something. But we hashed it out. at the 2013 ESPYs had a great hang with, uh, it was the year I think John Hamm hosted that after party at a hotel and, and the boomer and I really put in the time like 15, 20 minutes. And I just like kissed his ass and it was genuine. I was like, look, did you initiate or did he, I initiated and things were, things were going awesome for me at the time at ESPN. And I went up to him and I'm like, look, man, things are going great for me. I feel so indebted to you.

15:13Bill Simmons:you built this place like people like me are just trying to keep it going but you you're the guy like anyway and i really felt that way and he loved it i did too yeah yeah but i think you know as people you get older over the years sometimes you could take shit burman was outsized incredibly important so anyway it's not a tumor for him was one of the sleeping with b and me was still the

15:37Kyle Brandt:best one though an excellent one probably my favorite all yeah that i think that was the best one.

15:41Bill Simmons:Anyway, Arnold could be in any movie. So they're doing this movie basically variations of it for the last I'd say 15 years and it would have The Rock or John Cena. Vin Diesel. Jason Statham. Vin Diesel. It's just a really hard one to pull off and I gotta be honest. I think he's the only one that did it.

16:03Kyle Brandt:He's the only one that nailed it and I have to give it, I have to give credit like a lot of times those movies lose you because the kids are annoying. The kids are cute in this. Let's call it what it is. They really are. They're really funny kids. And in 1990, we had these kids and we had Kevin McAllister who were ruling the world. And it was really, really big back then. Arnold's interaction with him seems authentic. I like it. And I like the way they use the kids. And it's funny. I laughed. I still laugh at the kids. The dumb kids are like, my dad can't wear hats. And I'm sitting there now in my 40s just laughing and enjoying it.

16:34Bill Simmons:This also is a timeless movie. You know, it's like running on Netflix right now. It's 36 years old. and it's a movie that now you'd have I don't know how many generations of kids in the age of like, hey, we should watch this. This would be a good one. There's not a lot of these that you could watch. I mean, I always showed these to my kids way too early, so my kids are probably like five or six when they watch this.

16:56Kyle Brandt:Yeah.

16:57Bill Simmons:But it was perfect because it's a little dangerous. It's funny. Arnold's funny. Some of the kids' stuff is funny. It works. Can we go back to 1990, though? Please. Let's go. So this... This movie ends, let's see, 10th in 1990. Some of the bangers from that year. Home Alone is number one. Ghost, Dancing with Wolves, Pretty Woman, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is fifth. Fucking A. Love it. Hunt for Red October. Heard that's a good movie. Total Recall, Die Hard 2, Dick Tracy, Kindergarten Cop, Back to the Future 3, Presumed Innocent, Days of Thunder are a top 13. And what do all those movies have in common?

17:38Bill Simmons:Fucking huge stars. Almost across the board. You have Harrison Ford, Costner, Patrick Swayze, Demi Moore. Culkin becomes a huge star. Schwarzenegger's in two. Bruce Willis, Warren Beatty, Michael J. Fox, Cruise. Like, we just, we knew what we were doing in 1990, Kyle.

17:57Kyle Brandt:Dude, a bonkers year. The craziest thing about that year is the Home Alone piece, where Home Alone was the number one movie in America for 12 weeks. 12 straight weeks. kindergarten cop drops in week eight. Yeah. And Arnold coming off total recall. They don't even make the McAllister's blink. They rattle off another month. Right. And here's the best part. The movie that finally took the number one spot from Home Alone. We've already mentioned it. A little movie, you know, called Sleeping with the Enemy. Took the number one spot. Oh, yeah. Knocked out Kevin McAllister. How good is that?

18:27Bill Simmons:Julia in danger. So Arnold goes. Predator running man in 87. Red Heat in 88. Turns down Die Hard, which seems like it's a mistake in retro. respect twins 1990 recall and kindergarten cop 91 terminator 2 and 90 is the year he takes the belt from slice the loan for real it's he he co-owns it from 87 on they're basically like co-champs yep like when boxing where there's like the wbc champ wba champ yep they're both champs by 90 he has the belt slice unraveled he's doing stop my mom i'll shoot and oscar oscar he's doing Rocky V. It just feels like it's over until Challenger, which we've... Not Challenger.

19:14Bill Simmons:Cliffhanger. I don't know why I said Challenger. Cliffhanger, which we've already done. That was his attempt to just climb literally, no pun intended, back in the conversation because Arnold is just killing everybody. But he was the biggest star we had and I don't know if there's been another run like this.

19:34Kyle Brandt:No, and listen, just to step on Apex, like I think this is Arnold's apex. Me too. You did the Wemby comparison. To me, this is the MJ 87, 88 season where he won MVP and Defensive Player of the Year. Yeah. To give us the Paul Verhoeven super crazy, violent sci-fi Total Recall, which was awesome. And then this silly nonsense up in the Pacific Northwest with these kids in the same year is so different. And by the way, the best movie he ever makes is coming next in T2. I think this is the height of Arnold. It's everything. By the way, he's also deeply entrenched into George H.W. Bush White House at this point.

20:09Kyle Brandt:Like he has an official position. Like he's in government. All of that is coming. He's running the world.

20:14Bill Simmons:I think he's with Maria Shriver at this point too. Yeah. Oh yeah, definitely. It's all happening. I wrote that and had a little list. This is a tangent. Okay. So we didn't know how good we had it. Celebrity list.

20:28Kyle Brandt:Okay.

20:28Bill Simmons:Like I almost wish I could. I enjoyed it more in the moment.

20:31Kyle Brandt:I'm melancholy already. What do you got?

20:32Bill Simmons:Well, you just figure like Arnold, oh, there'll be more of these. Arnold will be back in some other form and it's just not the closest we really got to was I think Vin Diesel and the Fast and Furious movies and it's just not you can't compare it but I was thinking celebrities I wish I had appreciated more in the moment Arnold is one Michael Jordan the whole run although I do think when he went away to play baseball we did appreciate it and really did think about it Tiger's a great one because when it abruptly ended It was like, oh, man, that sucked. That was a really good 12-year run. 80s Eddie Murphy.

21:09Bill Simmons:Mike and the Mad Dog was like this for me, always knowing that they were on in New York. Anytime you're there, suddenly they were gone. Dan and Keith on SportsCenter. Late 90s WWE, the Attitude Era, just felt like it was going to go on forever. It didn't. Randy Moss, part of me felt like he would just go until he was 45, just being able to run the street down the sideline. Serena Williams, just feeling like she was the mountain everyone had to climb and women's tennis. And then I got to say, there was a Michael Jackson run there in the 80s where it was like, wow. Holy mackerel. Best entertainer of all time,

21:44Kyle Brandt:most talented person ever lived. Definitely.

21:47Bill Simmons:Anyone else you would put on? Like for you, just like, I wish I had appreciated a little more in retrospect.

21:52Kyle Brandt:Yeah, my mind goes to CR Month. I was there and it was a beautiful month, but I wish I could have dug in further. It was beautiful though. I really enjoyed it.

22:01Bill Simmons:So CR Month, Arnold, Tiger. Yeah. I got you.

22:04Kyle Brandt:I think you guys came up a little short and should have had the balls to do the Sicario pod in Juarez live. But maybe it's a re-Sicario.

22:11Bill Simmons:You were part of CR Month, though. It was like you get to put that on your Wikipedia.

22:15Kyle Brandt:It was spectacular. Definitely.

22:17Bill Simmons:Mike Yanagida. The cast of this movie. Penelope Miller. That's the love interest. Small run for her here in the 90s. I think Carlitos and a couple others. Pamela Reed. as the buddy cop. Sure. Really nice performance by her in this. I thought she's excellent. She's a very good actress. Linda Hunt, who was, I think, started out in Year's Living Dangerously. She's the principal. She's the little lady who has a couple good scenes. Richard Tyson is the bad guy.

22:54Kyle Brandt:Let's go.

22:55Bill Simmons:When do you want to do this? Now or later?

22:57Kyle Brandt:You want to do some crisp talk? Because I'm here for crisp. Let's go.

23:01Bill Simmons:What's going on here? is this just like uh this is the nfl salary cap where we had to spend a lot of money on mahomes and we're just gonna keep our fingers crossed with the left tackle and hope he doesn't get annihilated in the playoffs what happened you might say the same for the patriots too i don't know you really could but what happened here uh what happened is a lot of silk clothing

23:25Kyle Brandt:a ponytail and a brood and he somehow got this part he and by the way like i'm not here to shit on Chris. I love Chris. I think he's really funny. I think he's a good villain. I don't think he's going to win an Oscar, but he almost reminds me of Jimmy from Roadhouse. He's just kind of this brooding guy who has a physicality to him. I like Chris. I think Chris is fantastic.

23:48Bill Simmons:That's the thing. He's a character from a Roadhouse Van Damme kind of a movie. This is actually kind of an elevated movie with good actors. I don't know how they figured out that. I don't know what's going on with him in general. the relationship with the mother is just bizarre. Spectacular. I don't really know what's going on there either. The other one, Kathy Moriarty's in this too, is like the MILF mom. What is that? Who's attracted.

24:14Kyle Brandt:Why? Why? Why is she in that for that role?

24:17Bill Simmons:Wrong actress, wrong vibe. It just flips the movie into this crazy direction. It doesn't pay off. I don't know what they're doing with that either.

24:25Kyle Brandt:And her scene is unfathomable. She comes in and it's like, I'm really worried that my son is playing with dolls. And Arnold goes, no, she's using them to look up girls' skirts. And she goes, oh, that's a relief. And I'm like, what the fuck? She's like, I thought it might have been something else. Thank God he's only looking at kindergartner's skirts. Thank God he's just a future sex offender. Yeah, she read that. She's like, yeah, I was enraging bull, no problem. But like, I like this. I'll sign up for this role. I'd like to be in this.

24:53Bill Simmons:Crazy. Well, Ivan Reitman directs from 79 to 93. He rips off meatballs, stripes, ghostbusters, legal, legals, twins, ghostbusters, two, Kindergarten Cop and Dave, the best movie of all time. I realized that about two months ago. Dave's the best movie. I love Dave. I think it might be the best movie of all time. Uh, just comic touch. His movies always move. He has a knack for working with major, major stars and putting them in an awesome light over and over again. People are really good in his movies where you're just like, ah, I love that guy in that movie. Um, and 15 years, I mean, he made a shit load of money and then gave us Jason Reitman, who's had a really good career too.

25:31Bill Simmons:Who's randomly in this movie. Yeah. Um, any Ivan Reitman thoughts though, before we move on, I think it's really

25:37Kyle Brandt:cool that when they go to Dominic's bedroom at the end of the scene, if you look closely, there's some Ghostbusters pillows on Dominic's bed, which I think is just awesome. And listen, Ghostbusters is one of the most important movies the last 50 years, every single person in it. If you weren't there for that sensation, this was light years ahead of in kindergarten cop, which we love, but one of the most important movies ever made, I think.

25:59Bill Simmons:$26 million for this one they spent. It made$202 million. Finished 10th. Crushed it all the way around. 111 minutes, plus 21 on the Horlbeck scale. We don't have Craig for this podcast, but he's going to come on at the end with his review. He'd never seen it. Really? So we'll find out what he thought. We do know what Roger Ebert thought. Three stars. That's great. Take it. The film is made up, quote, of two parts that shouldn't fit, but somehow they do, making a slick entertainment out of the improbable, the impossible, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. That was rad. Three stars. I was surprised. I would have thought two and a half for him.

26:38Bill Simmons:Three stars is great,

26:39Kyle Brandt:but it's more than two parts. There's six different parts. There's so much on Arnold's shoulders in this, and we laugh at his accent, his acting and stuff. Holds the camera for every single scene, and I'm going to get to this later. Is this maybe some of the best acting he's ever done in his career? Like there's stuff that I really believe that he's feeling. And I don't usually say that about him.

26:58Bill Simmons:I actually think it's the best he's ever been in a movie. It's great for using all his parts. And what's interesting, they make the decision near the end where he basically loses the shootout. Like somebody has to save his ass. He's going to get killed by some psycho grandmother, but he gets shot by two different characters and he's kind of cool with it. It makes him vulnerable, right? He's not like a superhero. I just don't know if Stallone and Van Damme and pick anybody from that era. Like, no, no, this guy seems weak because he didn't win.

27:29Kyle Brandt:Let's remember, Seagal won't let himself get punched by anyone in any movie, even like a 300-pound bouncer. Arnold here is saved by a diminutive woman. Like, that's a pretty cool decision to make. I don't know if that was happening back then.

27:41Bill Simmons:Yeah, it was the old... William Goldman always used to talk about this, how stars have to be stars in the movie. They don't want to look weak. when he was using the example of Warren Beatty didn't want to be in misery because of the crippling scene. Yeah. Because the guy's crippled. He's a loser from that point on. He's like, I can't play that part. I'm not going to be a loser. And Arnold, he ends this movie and he's shot by two different people. He's a kindergarten teacher with a limp. But he's like, I'm fine. I'm good. This is a good movie. We're going to take a break and then we got to go through watchables.

28:12Bill Simmons:The categories are really fun for this movie. This episode is brought to you by McDonald's. Right now at McDonald's, you can get great deals all day with McValue. That's right. Jumpstart your day with the under$3 menu featuring a sausage McMuffin for just$1.50. Or grab the perfect lunch with the McDouble for just$2.50. Honestly, nothing pairs with a movie marathon like a McDouble in hand. God, I love the McDoubles. Get even more value with McValue only at McDonald's. Limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher for delivery.

28:53Kyle Brandt:If you thought HBO's Euphoria was intense in high school, saddle up. Season three of Euphoria picks up five years later and life looks very different.

29:01Bill Simmons:Hello, Rue. You owe me money.

29:04Kyle Brandt:No matter what they're chasing, money, love or redemption, no one can escape their fate. The problem is, if you make a deal with the devil, there's no turning back. Don't miss the third season of Euphoria, starring two-time Emmy winners in Data. Now streaming on HBO and HBO Max, with new episodes every Sunday. Most rewatchable scene, I'll offer you a couple.

29:28Bill Simmons:What do you got? The plane scene into the driving puke montage with Arnold and Pamela Reid. unless you want to go with any of the stuff at the very beginning, the violent stuff when Arnold's got the beard and the sunglasses. I don't know if you're into that part.

29:43Kyle Brandt:I like the beard and sunglasses. I like Arnold in the drug den with a shotgun just shooting everything. It feels a lot like Terminator 1 when Arnold goes into Tech Noir, the club. It's almost like a note for note. I really, really like that part. Arnold's kicking ass. The beard is preposterous. The hair is terrible. And that's part of the laughing at Arnold that we talked about. So I'm here for that for sure.

30:05Bill Simmons:I was going to do this later. Let's do it now.

30:08Kyle Brandt:Okay.

30:08Bill Simmons:Patched on beard.

30:10Kyle Brandt:Yeah. Terrible.

30:11Bill Simmons:Real beard. Is it possible? He's just one of those. He grew a real beard and, and it just looks fake when he grows a beard. Cause we know those people too. The guys who grow beards and it doesn't seem like a real beard.

30:25Kyle Brandt:I think that they did not have a real beard. We've seen, we saw Arnold with heavy stuff and predator. We see him with a beard and the running man briefly. And he looks fucking awesome. He looks like the brawny man. This is like this woolly, woolly, patch on, miscolored thing. It looks horrible, but we like it.

30:42Bill Simmons:I thought it was fake, but I wasn't. You also could have sold me like he dyed it or did something weird. Between that and the sunglasses, I don't know what's going on. It's like a parody of some of those other movies. So plane scene in the driving puke montage, we get Arnold threatening the kid by breaking the pencil. We get Angela Bassett as the flight attendant. Out of the clouds with one line. Well before she became the queen. And we get Arnold repeatedly just watching his partner puke and being confused by it. Like he's never seen a human being struggle physically with anything before. Okay.

31:18Bill Simmons:Arnold's first day of school. We kick things off with one of the kids going, boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. Killer line. Brought the house down in the theater. Penelope Miller tells him, kindergarten is like the ocean. You don't want to turn your back on it. Good line. comes back. It's fucking chaos. Leading to Arno gone, shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

31:44Kyle Brandt:Sounds so fun. So fun.

31:46Bill Simmons:And then he has to get the ferret. A lot of ferret in this.

31:49Kyle Brandt:The ferret with no name? I mean, listen, is this Apex Mountain for ferrets? So,

31:57Bill Simmons:I had that written down as a strong yes. Ferrets had a moment of about a year and a half before people realized they were just overgrown rats and not fun to hang out with and kind of stinky and then i had it is

32:08Kyle Brandt:the big lebowski there's a nice marmot there's a ferret and then is that the richard gear one or is that something different i don't know was he a ferret guy or was that gerbils i can't distinguish

32:20Bill Simmons:my marmoths um but arnold plays who's your daddy and what does he do this has the it's not a tumor It's not a tomb at all. This has confessions from the kids, including my daddy as a gynecologist.

32:38Kyle Brandt:Fantastic.

32:39Bill Simmons:I don't think that they're playing Who's Your Daddy now in 2026. I'm guessing that got vetoed by the school principal.

32:45Kyle Brandt:Especially what does he do? Like, that's none of your business. We're not doing any of that.

32:49Bill Simmons:One of the reasons this is such a good scene is we just get to hang out with all these different kids. There's like 10 kids. And it's like, all right, cool. I'm actually, it's not just like this anonymous classroom. I feel like I'm learning.

33:00Kyle Brandt:about it feels like what they would now put in as outtakes during the closing credits here's this cute stuff we record but it's actually in the movie i actually think one of the faults is i think they should have done more of that like the kids are on fire the kids are cooking especially the girl at the end who has to go to the bathroom and can't do the overalls like that stuff is all

33:16Bill Simmons:all gold i wish they would have done more i agree and i think if if i had notes if they had sent me the script and i could have weighed in on some stuff i probably would have cut down on crisp a little bit i would have had arnold trying to get the kids ready for a play or something like play it up more where he has to like run a rehearsal no you'd came in too soon and do that whole thing

33:37Kyle Brandt:we could have done that with the gettysburg address and you're onto something dude my favorite word that arnold schwarzenegger says he says like 12 times this movie is come on come on he's a fire drill come on and that's what he says in Predator come on kill me I'm here he hits that one so hard and every time he says come on I laugh and I want to run around with him I have another idea

34:00Bill Simmons:for this that I have in a later part of the pod the milk nap scene I really like just like very tender scene but just seeing kids drink milk I don't know do they do that anymore probably not no Arnold reads a book and we have the nightmare doze off that seems good Arnold almost kills Pamela Reed's fiance and she goes right from, I think, having sex to just diving into a plate of pasta, unexplained. Where was the pasta? Bury pasta in bed, naked, post-trail. Was the pasta next to her? Like, what happens there?

34:31Kyle Brandt:It's a lot with that character in The Eating. It's like four jokes too many. I get it. Four? Fourteen? Yeah, it might be 14 jokes. That thing gets beaten to a pulp. And the fact that she just was having sex with her fiance is not eating like an apple or something. show a plate of pasta with a fork it's not realistic what was the guy's name barry barry's

34:50Bill Simmons:a chef um arnold beats up zach's dad let's go child abuser and then uh the principal instead of saying like you're suspended for two weeks is like how did it feel to punch him i loved it this was great uh most 1990 stretch of the movie teachers punching a parent can you imagine the

35:11Kyle Brandt:screenwriter at the computer typing out the line, you hit the kid, I hit you. He was, fuck yes, it's Miller time. That is gold. Let's go, baby. He goosenecked that thing right out of his office. And by the principal, the principal seems to know that that father was a child beater. Right. It's just that it's just the thing that people know that he's beating up this kid. And afterwards, she's like, yeah, that was awesome how you punched him again in front of the school, the teachers everything and he could have punched him again um

35:47Bill Simmons:what do we got i'm just trying to think of somebody pitching that in a movie they're writing in 2026 yeah and the kind of notes they would get from from from the studio so yeah the child abuse uh that plot so yeah we're gonna have to maybe take that out um do we need to

36:08Kyle Brandt:actually show the bruising on the child's neck yeah we think it's key i mean that's that's intense

36:14Bill Simmons:in the research arnold was really passionate about touching a couple real life stories um including abuse the abuse of children and kind of push them to like we have to have this in the movie this is an important topic and that's why that's the arnold difference yeah like i don't

36:34Kyle Brandt:think the action stars are like how big is my trailer how cool do i look when i punch the guy yeah and arnold's like we really need to focus on the damages of divorce in the american household like and that's the shit that he wanted he's a genius man two more the fair little heart teagues

36:50Bill Simmons:heart heart tug speech about arnold oh yeah from uh linda hunt the principal um little little gets a little touchy in the throat watching i don't know what kind of police officer you are but you

37:04Kyle Brandt:You are a very good teacher. I was like, am I crying a kindergarten cop? Holy shit, Mr. Kimball, we did it.

37:09Bill Simmons:Is this Apollo in the room right now? I'm getting a little thirsty. And then we get the big fire shootout ending. Stranger! Stranger!

37:19Kyle Brandt:And that's what we did back then. We'd say stranger danger and don't accept candy from kids. And they just learned that from the other cop before he comes in the hallway.

37:25Bill Simmons:So this guy, Chris, shows up at the school, has an interview with the principal for some reason, even though it seems like it's a public school, he could just join the school. sees this kid. Yep. And he's like, all right, what's my plan? Could wait like eight hours, maybe tail him home.

37:43Kyle Brandt:Nah, let's do this now.

37:44Bill Simmons:Should I, should I set a huge fire to the kids library? I love it. Burn thousands of books and cause mass panic. And that's what I'm going to do. And my mom's going to wait in the car with a gun.

37:57Kyle Brandt:And then when the kids scurry into the hallway and the sprinklers go off, I'll just kind of run in there and grab them amongst the 200 kids. and then I'll just go upstairs.

38:05Bill Simmons:Yeah, go upstairs where there's no escape. Get up there. What could go wrong? It's a fire. There's water everywhere. It's really...

38:13Kyle Brandt:The last 10 minutes of the movie are preposterous.

38:15Bill Simmons:It's really a bad plane.

38:16Kyle Brandt:The plane is trying to land and it's just dragging sparks all over the runway. But you're here for it.

38:21Bill Simmons:What is the most rewatchable scene for you? It's not a tumor?

38:27Kyle Brandt:I think it's Arnold's opening speech. I'm Mr. Kimball. I want the man said immediately. And then the tumor and all that's the questions about what my dad does.

38:36Bill Simmons:Yeah, Arnold's first day just could have basically been its own movie where he's finally like, I have a ferret in my car. I'm going to go get the ferret. That's his last move. The ferret has no name. He said this ferret has never named the ferret. It's just, here's my pet ferret. It doesn't make any sense.

38:53Kyle Brandt:First thing kids would do is they name the pet.

38:55Bill Simmons:Yeah, this is Benny. I have that as well. What's the most 1990 thing about this movie other than giving those little cartons of milk to each kid. Each with a straw. Whole milk. Yeah, whole milk. That was when they would run

39:08Kyle Brandt:those commercials when it said like, milk, it does a body good. And the kid who's getting bullied drinks milk and then he turns into 6 '10". Yeah. Milk was everywhere back then.

39:15Bill Simmons:I think that's the winner.

39:18Kyle Brandt:I got a one seed. All right, what do you got? All right. The opening scene of the movie is shot in the Great American shopping mall and that's not enough. Specifically, crisp, in silk clothes, a ponytail, and smoking a cigarette is walking through the mall and what does he pass behind him? A Brookstone store. Oh, wow. That is the shit. Brookstone that is funded almost exclusively by divorced dads who would pay$2 ,500 for a massage chair in$1990. And you'd go in there and just fuck around and try stuff when you went there with your friends. Brookstone and their like blood crip battle with a sharper image.

39:55Kyle Brandt:That was so 1990 and Chris walking past it with a cig. Amazing.

40:00Bill Simmons:Incredible. Great job by you. I think that beats Milk I think that beats Arnold's pet ferret I think it beats the cars the cars are very 1990 in this movie including like one of those old Cabriolet yeah she got a geotracker

40:13Kyle Brandt:I looked that shit up a red geotracker it's awesome and then

40:19Bill Simmons:every single moment second everything with Richard Tyson in this movie just feels like it could only have happened in 1990 1991 no 89 no 90 yes yep that's it It's the only year he could have been in this. The Floyd Gondoli, Butter in My Ass and Lollipops in My Mouth Award for something I just enjoy. Yeah. No surprise, but for me, it's Arnold just delivering, not the Arnold lines, like the home run money shot lines that they know are going to crush, but him just saying normal, basic things. I'm the potty pooper. So good. He uses the dolls to look up the girl's skirts. I coach basketball at an old girl school in Rhode Island.

41:05Bill Simmons:There is no bathroom. Back to the carpet. If he does it again, I press charges. I like that one. Any line is perfect with him. And it was really fun to write those out as Arnold English versus actual English. But yeah, I'm always going to enjoy it for the rest of my life hearing him just say normal lines.

41:27Kyle Brandt:Did you have any thoughts, Bill, on what kind of system John Kimball ran when he was coaching basketball? Was it like a spread system? Was it a zone defense? Like a patino, like press trap? All up and down the court, full court press, slapping the floor man to man.

41:42Bill Simmons:Also, when did he ever even hold a basketball?

41:45Kyle Brandt:I can't think of a time.

41:46Bill Simmons:He says in this movie, he says he grew up in Austria.

41:50Kyle Brandt:Well, that was my answer. I enjoy and I respect in Arnold movies when they take the care to address why the fuck this guy talks like this. And sometimes they don't do it. They're like, screw it. Jingle all the way. He lives in the suburbs, married to Rita Wilson. No reason at all for his voice or his physique. This one, they're like, well, he grew up in Austria and that's why he talks. I appreciate that. Sometimes they just ignore that shit, but I love that they do it here.

42:17Bill Simmons:They would be like, yeah, they'll have movies where he's just like Don Smith. Yeah, no big deal.

42:23Kyle Brandt:And he says, California. He's like, why is Mr. Smith talk that way? And why does he look like he does 275 for reps on the incline press? What the fuck is with Mr. Smith?

42:33Bill Simmons:What's age the best? I'll start us off with Astoria, Oregon. Yeah. It just seems like the best place on earth. I have no idea if it is. Whatever they film this, it just seems like the happiest, nicest place you could ever raise a kid except for, uh, unless Chris shows up and sets fire to your school library, sets off massive shooting.

42:57Kyle Brandt:Terrorizes the patrons of the local toy store too. Um, I remember when we did the Rudy pod and we were just like, this is just an infomercial for the Notre Dame campus. Every person wants to apply to Notre Dame. It's so beautiful. And this is the story in the heels of several years earlier where the Goonies was and it's on the beach and there's pirate ships. So like the story, it was a beautiful place back there. Never been, but it looks great in movies.

43:18Bill Simmons:I have Jason Reitman as the boy that Kimball catches kissing somebody when there's the fire. And Jason Reitman is the little kid that runs out. He's like a 13-year-old. Arnold's beard we mentioned. Child abuse plots in the 80s and 90s as a plot device, as we were just starting to figure out that child abuse might be bad. I would say that's age the best, because now I think we have a better handle on that, that it's bad.

43:43Kyle Brandt:Yeah, I think we have a zero-tolerance policy now.

43:46Bill Simmons:1990, maybe not. Maybe it's like, hey, you can look at it from both sides. 2026, we're anti.

43:52Kyle Brandt:When they would say, coming up on a very special episode of Growing Pains. Oh, yeah. And it would be like, Mike Seaver tries drugs. Or like, the Different Strokes article. Or episode where the guy who ran the bike store is like trying to get with Arnold. Like, they would do those things all the time. And that's how we learned about this stuff.

44:07Bill Simmons:Different Strokes did two of them. Because there's another one. Now, Gordon Jump as the pedophile bike shop guy. Yep. who really took some liberties with Dudley. We still don't really know what happened. We don't want to talk about it, but something bad probably happened and Arnold foiled it. There was another one with somebody who locked Arnold in a room and was trying to get it out with Dana Plato, who was like 12. Sure. That was like the law. Like different strokes went back to the well multiple times. And then Family Ties was the other one that had no problem crossing the line with anything.

44:42Kyle Brandt:This is how hard we're about to nerd out. I can think of a third different strokes episode in which the son from over the top, the annoying kid from the military school, he's in it. And I think he's selling drugs to Arnold and his best friend. It's like they did them like once a month they were doing a very special episode. Those were the normal episodes.

45:01Bill Simmons:Facts of Life did it too. This is what we grew up with. This is why at kindergarten cop, we hit this point where everybody's like, fuck it. No big deal.

45:07Kyle Brandt:Yeah. Fine.

45:08Bill Simmons:Any what's the best for you?

45:10Kyle Brandt:Yeah. I have a, I have two. Great poster. And you know what I miss, Bill? You'll totally get this. I miss when it was one name over the poster and just the last name. Schwarzenegger. Stallone. Not Sylvester. Not Arnold. And this is kind of cool because I saw the poster for Project Hail Mary. Yeah, look at that. Look at that. They don't even need to say Arnold. But I just saw the poster for Project Hail Mary and it just says Gosling. There's no Ryan. Oh, yeah. Like that is a, such a status symbol that they don't want to put any other actors. They don't even put your fucking first name, just the last name.

45:47Kyle Brandt:And I feel like it's kind of throwback. Very cool.

45:50Bill Simmons:There was, it's a great point. There was some stuff in the eighties that we were just doing better. Another was sports illustrated covers.

45:56Kyle Brandt:Oh yeah.

45:57Bill Simmons:They would just have the one picture with as tight of a headline as possible. And then sports illustrated. And especially in the eight, late seventies, eighties, it got to the point. You couldn't wait to see what the cover was. and then they started cluttering it with all these other things on it. But the best covers they ever had were just a picture with like a small headline. Sometimes they wouldn't have a headline. Same thing with the posters. I just think we started overthinking the posters. That's the kind of poster. Put your star, last name, we're ready to go. What's your other one that says the best?

46:27Kyle Brandt:Ponytailed villains. Like this, I have my handful of my favorites and Crisp is way up there. I got Ben Kingsley in sneakers, which we did. A guy, a man who's been knighted who has a ponytail. My guy Julian Sands in the movie Warlock goes with a heavy ponytail. Sam Jackson and Jackie Brown is braided. And then one that's near and dear to you, I think you have to have Terry Silver on the list from Karate Kid 3. And then again in Cobra Kai. And then I got Crisp with thick side parted ponytail. It's really, really cool. I miss, they don't do that anymore.

47:04Bill Simmons:It's a great point. Did you have a friend who occasionally went ponytail and it would completely change his personality?

47:12Kyle Brandt:I had a friend who went rat tail, which was much different. And that was like shaved short and just an isolated ponytail. Did you have a ponytail or were you a ponytail guy?

47:21Bill Simmons:No, my hair goes up, not down.

47:23Kyle Brandt:Oh, yeah, yeah. Same.

47:24Bill Simmons:No, we had in my bar restaurant days, my roommate actually, Richard, a.k.a. Ricky, who was the guy who got us the illegal cable box that allowed me to watch four straight years of illegal pay-per-view movies. He had long hair and sometimes he could go ponytail with it. And it was a complete game changer. Like he would just immediately look like he was one of the villains in an early nineties movie. And then when he didn't have it, it was like normal. And then the ponytail would swing it and he became kind of like a little dangerous looking. I was always jealous of it. I think he's now called it Aura.

47:56Bill Simmons:Yeah. Yeah, I was like, what's up with this guy? Great shot Gordor Award for most cinematic shot. The nightmare scene is good. It's a good zag because you just think he fell asleep with the kid and then all of a sudden Chris. Bam. Denothy's Benihana Award scene stealing location. Obviously Astoria.

48:13Kyle Brandt:Yeah, it's awesome.

48:14Bill Simmons:Big Kahuna Burger Award. Best use of food and drink. It's got to be the milk.

48:18Kyle Brandt:It's 100 % the milk. And how about that? It's not easy to create sexual tension with a beverage like milk. And she straight up wipes it off his lip as there's 20 sleeping kids there. I mean, they're halfway to third base at that point. Penelope is so horny in this movie. She really is. I like it. She's way into Mr. Kimball, and God bless her.

48:39Bill Simmons:Turns out she likes big guys. Oh, yeah. We have a special one, the Steven Seagal Shitting on Himself Award for most unbelievable anecdote from the actual film shoot.

48:48Kyle Brandt:I always try to use this category. I'm so glad you have it. What is it?

48:51Bill Simmons:Always a pleasure to put this on. so I have this is from the Premier article and they ask the kids what they think of Arnold

49:03Bill Simmons:and Arnold claims kids love when they kids love when they can teach a grown up so of course they all started doing no no do it this way and then Premier asks what did the kids think of Arnold according to Meta a six year old girl Arnold is strange as a teacher but I like him says Jim Jim another five year old with a giggle he picks his nose. I saw him pick his nose lots of times. I saw him eat like a pig once.

49:29Kyle Brandt:Ew.

49:29Bill Simmons:Nonetheless, Jim Jim wants to grow up like Schwarzenegger if only because he can lift everyone up. This is just in the premiere magazine. So in the movie, Arnold picks his nose. That's your anecdote?

49:40Kyle Brandt:Yeah, I can see that. Giant nose.

49:44Bill Simmons:And then Arnold had some tidbits. He said he took his role seriously as the leader on the set and the teacher. I always gave them kind of the tough talk because they believed it 100%. A kid would be crying because she fell on her knees. I would say, why are you crying? Because my knee hurts. I'd say, but this sounds like a little girl. Real tough people don't cry. Really? Yeah, they don't cry. They fall on their knees. They look at it. Maybe tears come to their eyes, but then they swallow and say to hell with it. So what? And the kid looks at me and says, it's a good idea. Whenever they're tuned into you and you can get a message through them, you can move on.

50:20Bill Simmons:with something. You can move in with something. So Arnold's basically, he's like, I really taught these kids how to be tougher on the set. I think he took real pride in it. And he sounds like a psycho. There's no way now people are like, hey, the star of your movie upbraided my daughter because she fell and hurt her knee and told her to be tough and shake it off. I'm calling HR. But no, 1990, we were fine.

50:47Kyle Brandt:They wanted him to do it. I think Arnold was very intense about fitness and wellness and diet and all that stuff. There's that scene where he's got the kids doing the sit-ups and you could tell, maybe those kids are getting a little tired. Arnold, they're like six years old. They can't really bang out 100 crunches and he was still coaching them to do it. I love it.

51:03Bill Simmons:Yeah, kids at this point, it's a miracle if they're potty trained and not having meltdowns. Arnold's like, hey, I need you to do 100 sit-ups. He really was making them work out on the set, trying to keep everybody exercise. You have a flex category. What do you got?

51:18Kyle Brandt:well i'm a little disappointed i thought there might be a porn parody where kimball sleeps with all the horny single moms but there uh i looked there is no kindergarten i sadly looked as well

51:29Bill Simmons:yeah there was one of my uh i don't know if we're both on a watch list now because that because googling kindergarten cop porn parody probably immediately puts you on a watch list

51:40Kyle Brandt:but i did look as well it's fine in my next window over my next tab i have is crisp's ponytail real I'm searching all kinds of weird shit for this. No, I went with the Bam out of Iowa award for where the hell did these 83 points come from?

51:54Bill Simmons:Yeah.

51:54Kyle Brandt:I understand that Ivan Reitman had worked with Arnold and I'm sure he had the highest hopes for how Arnold's acting might be in this big project. But when he's sitting there at that dinner scene and that fancy restaurant and Arnold is just throwing those eyes over at Penelope and there's real actual chemistry and you feel like Arnold's in love with her, Reitman had to be like, cut, Arnold, holy shit. that was great we're moving on let's go that had to exceed his greatest expectations because that's real acting Arnold's doing

52:23Bill Simmons:that's a good call I'm proud of him should we cover another thing

52:28Kyle Brandt:no no no did you see what he just did no way

52:33Bill Simmons:the Butch's Girlfriend Award for weak link of the film okay the mother son relationship with Crisp and his mother in this movie is abjectly bonkers to the point where are we sure they were mother and son? Are we sure she wasn't like a sugar mama and they were pretending to be mother's son but it was just like some rich lady that he was having sex with? Because no mother and son interact like this ever. In real life, in movies there's like sexual tension with him. He keeps kissing her. It's fucking weird and I don't really fully understand what they're trying to do here.

53:15Kyle Brandt:tell you what, young people out there, ladies, guys, whatever. If you meet someone, if you meet a man and they address their mother as mother run, like that, that, that is not a good thing. No one should be saying mother. All right. We don't do that. I have one of my best friends from high school. We always joke about this movie that with the two of them, he thinks that, um, he thinks that crisp is still on the tit. Like he thinks that he's, he's actually nursing still and that there should be a scene with that. It's heavily Oedipal. It's so weird. And I think that they may like sleep naked and cuddle each other.

53:52Kyle Brandt:It's like Game of Thrones

53:53Bill Simmons:when the 13 year old was nursing. Yes.

53:56Kyle Brandt:What is that guy? A kid who sits up from the nipple with the milk running up, except this guy's like 30.

54:03Bill Simmons:That's amazing. Yeah. I mean, I would believe that. I would believe any version of however you wanted to describe the relationship between these two people, but it's not mother and son. I don't know what's happening.

54:15Kyle Brandt:Let me drop one more on this. Because I had this on What's Aged the Worst. She goes to the local pharmacy. What's Aged the Worst? Rectal thermometers. That was really a thing back in the day where you would come home and be like, mom, I don't feel so good. And she'd be like, grab your ankles and spread your cheeks. I'm putting it right up your ass. 98.6. If you went into CVS today, do they still have rectal thermometers? Are those still a thing? No way, right?

54:41Bill Simmons:We really wish we had Craig here because this is like, especially to answer weird questions like this.

54:45Kyle Brandt:Yeah, so Craig, imagine you felt like you might've had a fever and you go to your mom and she takes your temperature, but not like under your tongue. It would go in your bottle and they would like lube it. And that was, I don't think it was even that strange. I think a lot of people did it.

54:58Bill Simmons:I know nobody who did this. You never had it? I don't think so. So my interpretation of that was rectal thermometer was to insinuate like how evil this person was because it's like, She won't just take your temperature. She's going to really take your temperature.

55:15Kyle Brandt:And she did it to Chris, though, Chris when he was growing up. Right. And I'm sure that at that pharmacy, there were many conventional thermometers available, including the digital kind by 1990. No, you can't get a true reading of the temp unless you go rectal. And you have to buy like lube. Like how disgustingly sadistic is a rectal thermometer? Just feel your kid's forehead and move on.

55:36Bill Simmons:I'm glad we talked about this.

55:38Kyle Brandt:Definitely. Got to hit it. did you have you had the same week link my week link is i pamela reed is a very good actress i i got enough of that character i don't need all of the eating and the puking and i think there's a lot of it and i just it's not my favorite part of the movie yeah what stage the worst

55:57Bill Simmons:the big ending with an active shooter arsonist in an elementary school just bizarre decision i love it uh playing who's your daddy having a pet ferret and uh there was a standalone sequel called kindergarten cop 2 in 2016 starring dolph lundgren that i guess we're just not going to talk

56:15Kyle Brandt:about and bill bellamy i watched the trailer yesterday and it was a terrible use of 60

56:20Bill Simmons:seconds bad um rectal thermometer wins but what else do you have i have rectal thermometer written down i could have picked 50 different things how about this how about climbing the rope in gym

56:32Kyle Brandt:class. That's not a thing anymore. You would climb 30-some feet, touch the ceiling of a gymnasium, and they would have a two-inch pad down on the floor in case you fell. It's a fucking preposterous thing to have. That's not it. My kids don't climb the rope in gym class. They had kindergartners doing it in this movie.

56:52Bill Simmons:Another one which you mentioned earlier was the little kid looking up little girl's skirts for comedy's sake. Come on. Plus, like, the whole explanation of the mom being relieved that Maybe he's not going to wear skirts. Everything about that probably aged the worst. Trying to think what else. The hotel, just them staying in the same hotel room. I don't know if that's a nitpick or what's aged the worst, but just get two rooms. You're in the middle of nowhere in Oregon. You could probably get side by side with the doors that open and close. They're like roommates. Why?

57:26Kyle Brandt:I'm not really sure. They sleep in the same room. They had no problem having the plane ticket. I don't think there's that tight of a budget, but it is a little weird. It just makes it so that he can walk in on there with the fiance scene and the pasta, which is a very weird scene.

57:38Bill Simmons:Any other ones age the worst?

57:40Kyle Brandt:No, we've covered all of mine.

57:42Bill Simmons:We're going to take a break and then we'll come back with the Hans Gruber scale next. This episode is brought to you by Adobe Firefly, the all-in-one creative studio with AI-powered image and video generation built for today's creative process. Firefly helps you generate, edit, and experiment fast because the asks aren't getting smaller and the timelines, yeah, still tight. With all the best creative AI models in one place, Firefly brings your ideas to life. Learn more at adobe.com slash firefly.

58:27Bill Simmons:conversations reach reacts. But when they don't show revenue, well, that's not such a great conversation with the CFO. LinkedIn has a word for that. Bullspend. Instead, why not invest in what looks good to your CFO? LinkedIn ads generates the highest ROAS of all major ad networks. Reach the right buyers with LinkedIn ads. You can target by company industry, job title, and more. So cut the bullspend. Advertise on LinkedIn, the network that works for you. Spend$250 in your first campaign on LinkedIn ads. Get a$250 credit for the next one. Just go to linkedin.com slash rewatchables. Terms and conditions apply.

59:09Bill Simmons:Hans Gruber scale. So you could go crisp or you can go crisp mom here. I don't know where you want to go.

59:17Kyle Brandt:I would go crisp. Okay. I like crisp. I think he's weird and scary. and he has that scene in the interrogation room. He's just like, my old lady left me because of the money. Yours left because she couldn't stand the sight of you. And he's talking shit to Schwarzenegger and it works. But it's just like the ponytail does so much of the heavy lifting and the wardrobe. I'm here for it. I like it. I have him at like a six, five on the Gruber scale. He doesn't get as much to work with, but I like him. You want the mom? I'm at a four. I know he does.

59:45Bill Simmons:I'm at a four for both of them.

59:49Kyle Brandt:Chris isn't doing it for you. I expected to show up to this pod and you'd be like, I just want to talk about Chris for 90 minutes. He never did it for me.

59:56Bill Simmons:Well, there's also, there's baggage with him because he's in 3 o 'clock, Richard Tyson's at 3 o 'clock high, which he was good in. But then he's in Two Moon Junction with Sherilyn Fenn, which was one of the pre-Skin and Max, like early nudie cable movies that was on. And it was just really weird to then just see him in this movie two years later when you're just thinking of him over and over again having slow motion sex with Sherilyn Fenn. And now he's Chris.

1:00:22Kyle Brandt:This is the first movie I ever saw him in. Okay. Thinking of him having slow motion sex with his mom. So maybe that's the reason.

1:00:31My issue with him, you like him more than I do. Yeah.

1:00:36Bill Simmons:Our guy, Brad Wesley from Roadhouse. Yeah. Every scene he's in, he's equally loathsome. And I think he's supposed to serve the same purpose as Chris. But every scene he's in is hilarious. Everything he does is hilarious. the people around him are hilarious and it's just like he kind of plays it perfectly I still don't understand what Crisp is doing in this movie exactly is he evil? like I guess he's evil because he steals the race car set from that poor guy who was just trying to bring it to his kid that's like and then he shoots somebody once but it's and all of a sudden he's burning a library I just don't know what to make of Crisp

1:01:15Kyle Brandt:and then in his final scene with Dominic he goes for the Academy Award when he's just pulling him in like this and I'm like you're my son like He's really going for it. Whereas, as your point, Brad Wesley, goddamn JCPenney is coming because of me. That's a line right there.

1:01:28Bill Simmons:I want him to actually probably be more evil. I think he's in kind of no man's land from an evil standpoint. They need like four more evil things.

1:01:35Kyle Brandt:I read something that they thought that he wasn't evil enough and that they were actually sympathizing with him, test audiences, and so they added some nasty shit and probably including the totally gratuitous thing where he beats up some man who wants to race cars.

1:01:48Bill Simmons:Yeah, yeah, yeah. um Ruffalo Hanna Rubenick Partridge overacting award we just did it Richard Tyson

1:01:55Kyle Brandt:he's going for it Dominic ah he's doing streetcar named desire like he is going for it in the monologue he's trying to win the academy award it's and I don't think it's gonna happen but I like crisp though special

1:02:06Bill Simmons:category um okay the Ed Norton reverse dunk award for did this movie need a random sports scene what do you got this goes back to the earlier thing we were talking about is like do we need one or two more scenes of Donald than the kids like a recess, like a game of tag or a little dodgeball, maybe Arnold playing dodgeball. I'm just not turning the channel for three minutes.

1:02:28Kyle Brandt:Not a chance.

1:02:29Bill Simmons:Yo, I hit you.

1:02:32Kyle Brandt:Oh, come on. Come on. And they would have beat Billy Madison to it, who did dodgeball like a few, a handful of years later. That would be great. You could do, you could talk me to some kickball, any sort of recess activity with Arnold grunting in a big shirt.

1:02:47Bill Simmons:Arnold ordering people around. like maybe child abuse kid is the hero of the dodgeball game falls, makes the catch falls on his disturbingly bruised back. Like, yeah, uh, I don't know. There's just, I just would have liked something. All right. The CR thinks Luke Wilson could have been Harrison Ford. How does take board? What do you got?

1:03:08Kyle Brandt:Bill, I'm team Crisp in this movie. I sympathize with Crisp. I'll tell you why. I'm stunned by this. I thought we'd be making fun of him way more. No, this character just wants to be with his son. You can't just take a child and run across the country. Fathers have rights. What is this alleged criminal past he has? He's not in prison. It sounds to me like Kimball is obsessed with him, is a loser. Remember, Kimball won't go and get his own son, who he's estranged from.

1:03:37Bill Simmons:Yeah.

1:03:37Kyle Brandt:Crisp just wants his son. So he executes some junkie who's trying to extort him for money. Not a chance. I think Crisp is actually the sympathetic figure here. And I think that Arnold is this sort of predatory teacher and the mom is bipolar. And Crisp is like, I got to get my kiddo out of there. Just me. And as soon as they get to town, he buys them a toy. The mom buys medicine. They're looking out for the child. And I'm team Crisp in this. I think it's like a Johnny Lawrence karate kid thing where we need to look at this way differently.

1:04:05Bill Simmons:So it's like over the top, Stallone's the hero trying to reunite with his kid. No different here with Crisp. This is a divorce movie, like over the top.

1:04:17Kyle Brandt:Listen, Arnold, when they took Alyssa Milano from you in Commando, you took a guy's head off with a saw blade to get her back. You understand, Crisp just wants his son, and I think that belongs in court, and we can settle it.

1:04:27Bill Simmons:Arnold doesn't understand in this movie because he abandoned his child. We don't even know where that kid is. Why is he okay with that?

1:04:34Kyle Brandt:Like, my son, Alex, I used to read him this book. Why the fuck are you in a story with these kids? Go find your son, man, like Chris would do, the real hero of this movie. That's the hot take.

1:04:43Bill Simmons:It's a great one. Really impressive.

1:04:45Kyle Brandt:What do you got?

1:04:46Bill Simmons:Mine is, this movie spawned so many bad rip-off versions of it with famous actors trying to pull off kindergarten cop. It's almost better. I would sacrifice this movie and have it have never happened to save ourselves from the 40 terrible movies that came out after this? Fine, I'll do it. It's a little like a Dr. Oppenheimer thing. Like, if Dr. Oppenheimer just gets wiped out, are we saved from nuclear war? Does nuclear war happen anyway? Kindergarten cop, if we just wipe it out, are we saved 40 terrible movies that you and I have both watched with our kids and have just hated ourselves as we sat there wondering what happened?

1:05:28Kyle Brandt:See, this is why you're you. because you'll have nuclear war and we get to avoid the movie called The Tooth Fairy. It's apples for apples. And I agree. You know what Arnold proves to? He is so talented and so charismatic. It's hard to talk to children. I'm talking about you, me. If you go to a friend's house and they have a seven-year-old and they walk in, you'll be like, hey, buddy. And you'd either do that dumb kid voice where you talk really high. It's hard to talk to kids that you don't know very well. He does it in this movie beautifully. It's not that easy.

1:06:02Bill Simmons:Can I give a tip to the listeners just in case they don't know how to do this? Because I feel like I'm great with kids and dogs. Kids and dogs are really my wheelhouse. Sure. Just talk to them like a normal human being. Don't raise your voice. Don't treat them like they've had some sort of head injury. Just try to interact with them and make eye contact with them. And guess what? They'll probably have a conversation back with you. This isn't hard. But it's one of those things you don't realize until you have kids and you watch how people talk to your kids and you're like, why is this person talking to my five-year-old daughter like she should be wearing a helmet?

1:06:37Bill Simmons:Like, what's happening right now? My daughter can have a conversation with you. Like, she's not an idiot. Go, talk to her.

1:06:44Kyle Brandt:Anyway. When the kid walks in, you go,

1:06:46Bill Simmons:hey, bud. And you're like, dial it down.

1:06:50Kyle Brandt:Heard you like the Lakers. How school? Do you like Luca? I would give the same advice also for talking to seniors. Like, they've seen some shit. You can just talk to them normally. They'll be fine.

1:07:03Bill Simmons:Yeah. Yeah. Get it on with them. Just say anything. They're ready to go. Bring up politics. Hey, champ. Give me your best punch. Bring up politics. They're ready to roll right away. Oh, hell yeah. What do you think about this Iran situation? Let's talk immigration. Yeah, they're ready. Casting what ifs. Bill Murray and Patrick Swayze were considered for the lead role before Arnold. Bill Murray, no way. I can't see him interacting with kids. No way.

1:07:29Kyle Brandt:that's not where my interest is let's get to the second one

1:07:32Bill Simmons:Swayze could have done this I think it would have been a really interesting movie for him a year and a half after Roadhouse Swayze had the unintentional comedy at least a little bit I would still maybe lean more toward like a Keanu Reeves late 90s situation if I was gonna go out of the box with Axe and Harris yeah like a hardball but I think we were in the right hands with Arnold here

1:07:57Kyle Brandt:um yeah there's this crazy part where crisp breaks into the school and tells mr kimball that he used to fuck teachers like him in prison and it was like it didn't test well with audiences yeah they took that out he did it he already has that scene in in roadhouse where he's like it is my way or the highway you're the bounce that's him talking to the kids that would work

1:08:17Bill Simmons:and then he rips crisp's throat out well could we could we have merged those two movies together could kindergarten cop have just been gotten yeah he's like the cooler Sam Elliott shows up halfway through so I don't understand this is in the research and it seemed real but Ivan Reitman did consider Danny DeVito and decided the height thing was going to be too weird I can't imagine why Danny DeVito would be kindergarten cop it's a completely different movie I'm also not against it because he's smaller he can relate more with the kids, but it just seems bizarre to me. I don't know.

1:08:53Kyle Brandt:Well, I just don't buy him as a police officer. It's got to be something else. It's funny that he's the same size as the kids. It's the opposite joke, but obviously they made the right choice.

1:09:02Bill Simmons:Catherine O 'Hara was considered for the lead female role. Love that. Was busy with Home Alone. Couldn't do it. Sandra Bullock was considered for the role of Joyce, who I think was the child abuse mom. That's young, man. And failed to impress Ivan Reitman. Didn't get it. Elijah Wood also did not get the part

1:09:23Kyle Brandt:Elijah Wood can't get in the classroom he's great

1:09:26Bill Simmons:three years later he's in The Good Son Christian Slater was considered for crisp because Ivan Reitman liked him in Heathers and Slater turned it down did pump up the volume

1:09:38Kyle Brandt:great choice that's fine

1:09:40Bill Simmons:yeah played hard Harry I don't know if this is true but Audrey Hepburn was offered the role of Eleanor at crisp but turned it down because she loves children. Very strange. No idea if that's true.

1:09:53Kyle Brandt:Audrey Hepburn buying the rectal thermometer. I think that's a little beneath her.

1:09:57Bill Simmons:Best that guy award. So the guy driving the armored truck in the beginning of heat, who is also an LA Confidential. Let's go. The first guy Arnold punches in this movie, whatever that guy's name is. He wins again.

1:10:09Kyle Brandt:You're referring to the legendary Thomas Rosales Jr. who slaps a woman in the first few minutes of a PG-13 movie. and is in everything. And he is the driver. We're being held up on the radio. That guy's a legend.

1:10:23Bill Simmons:See that shit coming out of their ears, slick?

1:10:26Kyle Brandt:I can't fucking, but I'd be remiss not to shout out Stephen Park, AKA the legend Mike Yanagita is in Kindergarten Cop. And if you don't know this, he's in one scene. He's looking over the dead body of the OD'd girlfriend and it's totally straight and there's no Yanagita at all. But I was out of the couch, off the couch. on the couch, Tom Cruise style when Yannigita showed up. I rewound him.

1:10:52Bill Simmons:That was Gus Johnson doing Yannigita might have been your highlight on rewatchables in 30 episodes. Dion Waiter's award, probably one of the kids. I think I might be partial to the girl who just seemed like she was in a different movie.

1:11:09Kyle Brandt:The one with the overalls that she can't get off and has to go to the bathroom.

1:11:11Bill Simmons:Yeah, and then later she's kind of like battling Arnold and there's There's something really funny about that kid. I don't feel like any of that stuff was scripted. I think they probably brought her in and were like, wow, this girl's a fucking wild card. Just keep the cameras rolling. She'll do something weird.

1:11:26Kyle Brandt:It's that girl who is excellent, or it's penis vagina, which he says, penis vagina. The kid who plays penis vagina kid was the year prior in Pet Sematary as Gage, like the devil baby from the cemetery. And he was like three years old, like slashing Achilles. That kid worked. I think he still works.

1:11:43Bill Simmons:the kid who played dominic it was actually two twins the cousin twins yeah i think this was the highlight for them recasting couch director city i have a lot of thoughts here well i have three do you have one before i do okay yeah sitting right there james cameron what are we doing let's do

1:12:00Kyle Brandt:this thing let's get jamie lee as the other teacher it's already arnold protecting a kid as he's going to do a couple years later let's up the production value and the violence although James Cameron would probably see it and be like, yeah, but what if the students were like really tall and blue and had tails and some dumb shit like that? But at the time, Cameron was in his prime and I would have liked to see him more with Arnold.

1:12:19Bill Simmons:What do you got? Arnold's one of the three biggest stars in the world at this point.

1:12:23Kyle Brandt:Definitely.

1:12:24Bill Simmons:Ivan Reitman, I think, is one of the four most proven directors at this point for big budget movies that you know you're going to make the money back. I don't know why the cast isn't like bigger and more ambitious. I'd like to offer you Julia Roberts as the teacher on the run. Why not? I'd like to offer you Nick Cage in the Chris part. Nice point of his career.

1:12:49Kyle Brandt:That's fantastic.

1:12:51Bill Simmons:I'd like to offer you Faye Dunaway or Shirley MacLaine as the mom. Let's go Oscar winners. Ellen Burstyn, come on down. Let's get somebody who's actually been in the Oscar conversation. But this is the big egregious one. If I could change anything, it would be this. Kathleen Turner can't you come in for two scenes to play the Moriarty the Kathy Moriarty part just come in and can you throw 99 for two scenes just hit the corners just do your thing

1:13:17Kyle Brandt:what about what about Kimball's partner is could you do Meg Ryan there or is she needs to be the female lead

1:13:24Bill Simmons:I don't think it can be somebody you feel like Arnold is gonna try to fuck during the movie

1:13:28Kyle Brandt:yeah so you really

1:13:30Bill Simmons:like right on the line you have to be she has to kind of feel like she might blow him if you put two glasses of wine in her as that kind of vibe, but he's going to stay away. Because she's flirting with him a couple times. Yeah, she kisses him on the lips

1:13:44Kyle Brandt:at the end of the movie. Yeah. What is that? A little sweet on him. Yeah.

1:13:48Bill Simmons:So normally Craig has a flex category here, but he's not with us. So I'm going to do a special category in his honor. The Rick Cicchetti Guard Meat Award for Most Memorable Death by a Security Guard or Other Bystander who the movie treats as inconsequential, but who probably had a spouse and kids who love him. Poor guy goes to the local toy store to get a race car set for the kid. Miss Christmas. Didn't really understand that part. I was late on Christmas. I got to make it up to him. Whatever was going on. I don't know how you're late on Christmas. Did he say late on Christmas? He said I miss Christmas.

1:14:24Bill Simmons:It was something about making up for Christmas. Buys this race car set. Won't get bribed for it. Really committed to it. And then I guess just gets murdered on this, on this side of the road.

1:14:37Kyle Brandt:He gets knocked out. He gets slammed into the door. Like he's out, out cold right there on the sidewalk.

1:14:43Bill Simmons:Maybe worse. Like he might be, I don't know. I watched a lot of the pit last couple weeks. He might be on the tube. Sure. Like he might be like the family's trying to decide whether to take him off the ventilator or not. All he's trying to do is just buy a race car set for his kids. So I think he wins that.

1:14:59Kyle Brandt:And the guy who's refusing to sell it is polite. He's not an asshole to him. And he's honestly trying to make... Maybe he didn't have much money around Christmas time. And now he's scraped it together and his kids always want this. And our boy Chris just knees to the balls, head to the door. It's really tough.

1:15:14Bill Simmons:Half-ass internet research. They actually filmed all this at Astoria. At the John Jacob Astor Elementary School. Sure. Great tidbit here. Arnold insisted on a private studio. for daily workouts. They basically built a gym. I always love hearing this. Days of Thunder, I think, was the best one when Simpson and Bruckheimer built the three-story. They basically built an Equinox. They spent like$2 billion. Yeah. Steven Root is in five scenes that are cut out of the movie for some reason, I guess, for time. Oh, he's awesome.

1:15:51Kyle Brandt:Yeah, I don't know.

1:15:51Bill Simmons:I know nothing other than that anecdote.

1:15:54Kyle Brandt:My stapler.

1:15:55Bill Simmons:April Fool's 2012 is a prank. Like the Criterion Collection said they were releasing this as a Blu-ray disc. And everybody's like, what's going on? And now it is on 4K Blu-ray and Sean Fantasy probably owns it.

1:16:10Kyle Brandt:Definitely.

1:16:11Bill Simmons:You mentioned the Goonies earlier. Yeah. Somewhere around 1.6 miles away from the school, the house.

1:16:18Kyle Brandt:Oh, cool. Yeah. Goondocks. Yeah.

1:16:20Bill Simmons:And then I like this. Ivan Reitman invented the five Reitman rules of filmmaking for the kids. Did you see this? Yeah. No, no, no. Here are the five rules. Listen, act natural, know your character, don't look in the camera, and be disciplined. I think don't look in the camera is probably the big one.

1:16:39Kyle Brandt:I'm sure half of these kids probably just look in there. Everyone wants to look in the camera, even adults.

1:16:44Bill Simmons:Apex Mountain. Arnold, yes, we said that.

1:16:46Kyle Brandt:We got it. That's it.

1:16:48Bill Simmons:Richard Tyson, I still think it's Two Moon Junction. Felt like he was going to be a big star after that. Penelope Miller, I don't know.

1:16:55Kyle Brandt:Let me tell you something about her. Might be this. let's give her a credit she has a very cool factoid about her that she in a very small period of time was in movies with Al Pacino Robert De Niro and Marlon Brando like all three godfathers that's pretty badass and she holds her own and Arnold Schwarzenegger of course

1:17:13Bill Simmons:yeah so she I forgot to do her little run she's perfectly lovely

1:17:18Kyle Brandt:very good actress still in the game like she does her thing in this movie

1:17:22Bill Simmons:her IMDb the known for a fun game to see what IMDb decides to for Carlitos Way, Kindergarten Cop The Artist and The Freshman with Brando those are the four they went for him Apex Mountain hybrid action kids movies I think yes yeah

1:17:42Kyle Brandt:because we get so many kids sports movies like Mighty Ducks and stuff like that but not with shooting and killing and shotgunning people that's pretty rare

1:17:49Bill Simmons:Ivan Reitman probably Ghostbusters Astoria yes undercover cop movies no tumors i think yes tumor i mean yeah imani tumor in a fun way tumors in a fun way yes fun tumors honestly if someone told you they sat you down and they're

1:18:11Kyle Brandt:like god i have some really bad news like they discovered a tumor there's a sick voice in your head that would say it's not a tumor that's just how we're programmed at this point not sorry those

1:18:19Bill Simmons:are the rules and then i'm gonna add this i didn't have this in my initial notes but you nailed it Brookstone.

1:18:26Kyle Brandt:Oh, fuck yeah.

1:18:27Bill Simmons:Because Brookstone has When Harry Met Sally the year before with Fringe on top. In front of Ira! But it has a whole, I think that's Brookstone. Is it Sharper Image or Brookstone in that? I don't remember. I thought it was Brookstone.

1:18:40Kyle Brandt:Those feel like the same stores to me.

1:18:42Bill Simmons:I feel like Juliette Lemon's going to crash into the taping right now. Be like, it's fucking Sharper Image, you dumbass. But yeah, Brookstone, it's right around here. And we all, I was in college back then. You would walk into the Brookstone. You weren't buying anything. Never. You couldn't. Walk around 45 minutes. Everything was like$180 or$60 or$90. The person would always come over and say, can you help you? No, you can't. And then you'd be like holding like a jelly hand crunch to make your grip better. You know what?

1:19:13Kyle Brandt:You can do the grip and they would have those things where if you pull one marble to the right, it sets off the back and forth chain reaction of the marble.

1:19:21Bill Simmons:Try some headphones on. Whoa, these headphones are great.

1:19:24Kyle Brandt:There was the thing of nails where if you put your hand in the nail tray, it would make the shape of your hand. It's like for douchebags to have in their office who think that they're 1990s Don Draper. That's the specialty there.

1:19:35Bill Simmons:The chairs were really the key. Massage chair. Sit in a massage chair for five minutes without going to yell that. It was a big win. Cruiser Hanks. This is clearly Cruz. There's no question. You think it's Hanks?

1:19:48Kyle Brandt:No, no, no. I can see Hanks with the kids. I want it to be Cruz for 50 different reasons. Home run for Cruz

1:19:54Bill Simmons:Because Cruz never did a movie like this And honestly other than Jerry Maguire I don't remember him Interacting with kids

1:20:03Kyle Brandt:It's funny you say that because I feel like He's in the full Jerry Maguire like Desperation mode He's at the end of his rope and it's like Teaching you kids is an up at dawn Pride swallowing siege It's that Cruz plus then we get to Pretend we get to see him like try to connect With Penelope romantically and that's always good sport

1:20:22Bill Simmons:No, you left out first day of kindergarten, Cruz. Him losing his mind.

1:20:29Kyle Brandt:You guys are driving me crazy.

1:20:31Bill Simmons:Shut up. Shut up.

1:20:33Kyle Brandt:Yeah. Although I want Cruz's crisp, too. Like, I'm still here for that in Frank T.J. Mackey mode. I could do that as well. Oh, I like that.

1:20:40Bill Simmons:Scorsese or Spielberg? Clearly Spielberg. Those were too easy.

1:20:44Kyle Brandt:The Scorsese would just, there'd be just so many drugs. And I'm not talking about on Chris. I'm talking like Kimball would be strung out because his parents aren't around. or his family's not around and he wants to get revenge. A lot of drugs. Probably pretty good.

1:20:55Bill Simmons:What's your favorite picking nit from this movie?

1:21:01Kyle Brandt:I have the fact that, here's a, Crisp and Kimball should fight at the end. Instead of the gunshots and instead of the bloody killing, have a fight. You know, the ferret comes out and maybe Dominic gets away and then Crisp is like, so I've always wanted to do this, Kimball, let's go, you and me. And they have a big brawl in the shower room. Why don't, that's like standard operating procedure for these movies. Before anyone else gets there, yeah.

1:21:26Bill Simmons:Yeah, they should fight. You think Reitman thought maybe it just wouldn't be realistic for Arnold to lose or be in danger in a shower fight? Well,

1:21:36Kyle Brandt:you do, there's the classic hack for that. You let Arnold take a bullet first. One arm. Great point.

1:21:42Bill Simmons:Yeah, so it's a tough one because I'm trying to think like, I was talking about Chuck Norris movies. Chuck Norris died a couple weeks ago. Never, never got his just doing rewatchables. I know. I don't know what the right movie, he doesn't, the most rewatchable movie for me that he made was Silent Rage. But I think -

1:22:00Kyle Brandt:I love Silent Rage.

1:22:01Bill Simmons:Oh, you like Silent Rage? It's not a big list, people that like it.

1:22:06Kyle Brandt:You know who turned me on to Silent Rage? I'm not making this up. Aaron Rodgers. Interviewed him years ago and he made a joke about Silent Rage. It was like, that's a cool reference. And I didn't know it very well. Went and watched it. Hilarious movie, great villain. And I became a fan since then. that was like five or six years ago he loves it but delta force is probably the one right well

1:22:24Bill Simmons:chuck so i think i had my favorites are missing in action 2 code of silence the chicago movie he made which is like a really good chicago movie and every chicago actor is in it like all of them every 80s chicago actor i don't know if you've seen it i haven't i don't know that movie you're chicago guy i know you gotta cue that one up i i demand that you watch that it's a it's a pluto to be special uh oh one more fun quaid mission action mission action two and silent range and three of those movies chuck was at least chuck couldn't act god bless chuck i enjoy chuck i've seen all his movies he couldn't act not an um but he knew there had to be a showdown scene at the end yeah he and missing in action two which is not really not a good movie but it's better than Mission Action 1.

1:23:11Bill Simmons:It all leads to this evil, sadistic Vietnam guy who's just torturing all the POWs. He's just the worst. You just want Chuck to kick his ass all movie. And then finally, they end up in this cabin on stilts. It's like the second floor. They climb up and they're in there. And it's just like, all right, it's fucking Hagler Hearns time. Let's go. Here we go. Ring the bell. And they fight in this thing. And it's incredible. yeah so you're saying schwarzenegger versus crisp yeah what's like let's go chuck norris style let's really like go three four minutes here they probably didn't want to do that in a kid's movie

1:23:50Kyle Brandt:would be my guess well and the alternative was the bloody shootout i just i always like the main event we've sat here for two hours now let's see these guys fight there's potential of them crashing into the shower and the pipe breaks and there's water it could have been really cinematic i like

1:24:05Bill Simmons:I had a couple of nits to pick including why did we have to do this undercover sting operation in Astoria? Why not just have the FBI tail crisp? I assume John Kimball's reasonably valuable as a police officer. He's got a cool beard and sunglasses. He's foiling drug operations. They're like, we think he might end up going to Astoria. We need two cops to go undercover. don't really tell anyone what we're up to and this is the plot of the movie I guess I still don't understand it I don't know why they had to go

1:24:43Kyle Brandt:also if you did have to go maybe just take 48 hours and let Phoebe clear up the stomach flu and then she goes in as the teacher Chris is incarcerated there's not that much of a rush but she gets this like oh my stomach and so he goes in just take it easy take some Metamucil and then go teach the school. Yeah, wait till Wednesday.

1:25:04Bill Simmons:Well, I had her too. What kind of food poisoning did she... I don't know. Was this the first COVID case? This was...

1:25:11Kyle Brandt:Could have been.

1:25:12Bill Simmons:30 years before COVID? It was COVID four. Yeah, it was. A prototype of the original COVID. She's out for a week and a half. This was like fantasy and Sundance in 2020. I don't understand why they get two hotel rooms. I don't understand what happened to Arnold's old family.

1:25:30Kyle Brandt:so strange they try to give him something to work with this like this subtext about why he's hurting and why he's gravitating towards dominic and he's like yeah they just moved on i never see him why don't you have joint custody of him what are you doing i think the real answer is that should be that crisp did something to mess up arnold's family and that's why he's obsessed with crisp like they do in face off but that makes way too much sense or my wife thought she

1:25:54Bill Simmons:was getting a work visa and couldn't get one and she took the kids back to austria like like at least come up with some reason that's not like yeah i have a kid i don't know where no idea don't talk to him how about a long distance call could we do that for like a minute it kind of makes kimball

1:26:11Kyle Brandt:look like kind of a piece of shit like why are you so empathetic about your son why are you so

1:26:14Bill Simmons:obsessed with dominic you have your own kid what is this here's my big one yeah it's my nitpick It's also the Vincent Chase Award for Are We Sure the Character was actually good at their job.

1:26:26Kyle Brandt:Right.

1:26:26Bill Simmons:The ending. Arnold. Fire drill. Loses Dominic immediately. You have one job. Just keep Dominic near you. One job. Just grab him by the back. He's walking with you. Where you go, he goes. Loses him in 10 seconds. Doesn't shoot the bad guy. Blows that one. Gets shot by two different characters. Gets shot by the entire Chris family. And then has to be saved by his partner who miraculously wakes up. Just an abomination of a job.

1:26:58Kyle Brandt:Terrible. His partner with a baseball bat who's not even armed. When that fire limb went off, dude, just grab Dominic. The other kids from this mission could die in the fire. Get Dominic out of here. Dominic, Dominic! It just grabs him like it's nothing.

1:27:13Bill Simmons:They know the guy's out, that the witness is dead. They're waiting for something. Sequel, prequel, prestige, TV, all black cast are untouchable. I can't say I wouldn't watch the first episode of a prestige remake. A remake? Yeah, I'd probably test drive it.

1:27:32Kyle Brandt:You go Alan Richson, who's Reacher, as John Kimball in the Schwarzenegger role. And then as Crisp, you have some badass actor, Paul Mezcal or Barry Keoghan or one of those sweet actors. It could work. I'm going to zag on you. What are you going?

1:27:50Bill Simmons:Can I offer you a little Travis Kelsey? Good.

1:27:55Kyle Brandt:We need some more of this. The Kelsies. We got to get that name out there. Maybe Jason can play Crisp and Travis can play Kibble.

1:28:02Bill Simmons:I was trying to think of an athlete. Like, could I offer you Marshawn Lynch?

1:28:07Kyle Brandt:You're always selling Marshawn. I'm good with Marshawn. He lives on planet Marshawn. We tried to sell Marshawn for the Fireball role in Running Man. I'm good.

1:28:14Bill Simmons:Okay. I was trying to think of some athlete. Aaron Rodgers as Crisp?

1:28:20Kyle Brandt:No, he hasn't decided he's playing for the Steelers yet. We don't know what his future is.

1:28:24Bill Simmons:Is this movie better with Wayne Jenkins, Fergie the Florist, Ryan Rucco, Gus Johnson, Zane Lowe, or somebody else?

1:28:33Kyle Brandt:I don't know if you saw this, but at the very end when they're having the face-off, there's a quick shot in the locker room and there's an announcer's table. And it says, and Gus is there and he's got an announcer, he's got his microphone and he just lets it rip. And it sounds like this. Dominic Chris Young fella His old man's got a gun to his head In the shower room Barrett comes out of the sweater Agnes de Kimbo Blows away Chris I love you Gus

1:29:11Bill Simmons:That always kills you Every time you do that It kills your throat

1:29:14Kyle Brandt:Like two weeks

1:29:17Bill Simmons:Great to have Gus back Just want to ask her who gets it. I don't know. The score?

1:29:23Kyle Brandt:I think the hair and makeup people who do Kimball's beard and Chris's ponytail.

1:29:28Bill Simmons:That's great.

1:29:28Kyle Brandt:That's the people.

1:29:30Bill Simmons:Probably an answer for questions.

1:29:31Kyle Brandt:I got a great one.

1:29:33Bill Simmons:Let's hear it.

1:29:34Kyle Brandt:Okay. You're going to love this. So Moriarty comes in and she's talking about her son who she is worried is playing with dolls.

1:29:44Bill Simmons:Yeah.

1:29:45Kyle Brandt:The child's name, Bill, is Sylvester. This is in the middle of the Stallone-Swarzenegger feud when they're going at each other and taking shots. Wow. Do you not think that Arnold somewhere in a trailer is like, the one who plays with dolls, let's call him Sylvester. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Is that not a veiled shot? He's a girly man, Sylvester. I don't think that's a coincidence.

1:30:08Bill Simmons:That's amazing.

1:30:09Kyle Brandt:I mean - Come on. Sylvester, that's not a normal name.

1:30:13Bill Simmons:I think you're right. I want to know Dominic whether that was aimed at anybody too

1:30:20Kyle Brandt:maybe we call him Sly Sly is the boy's son his name's Sly that's too much Arnold let's stick with Sylvester I have

1:30:28Bill Simmons:was Pamela Reed the poor man's Laurie Metcalf or vice versa

1:30:32Kyle Brandt:both are great you could have switched them in

1:30:36Bill Simmons:every role in the 90s and I think Laurie Metcalf easily just could have been the partner

1:30:40Kyle Brandt:in this she's excellent I think

1:30:42Bill Simmons:Laurie Metcalf's in internal affairs the same year that Pamela reads in this movie. You could just switch them.

1:30:48Kyle Brandt:Yeah, both just like cool, good hangs. You can have a beer with, like sexy in their own way, good actors.

1:30:54Bill Simmons:They can play cops and get shot.

1:30:55Kyle Brandt:Yes.

1:30:57Bill Simmons:The old kindergarten teacher who... John Kimball takes her job.

1:31:02Kyle Brandt:Talk about it. What happened to her? She had tenure. Where'd she go?

1:31:06Bill Simmons:Gone for four weeks. They just tell her to take a hike. Comes back. Everything's fine. We fixed the school library. Maybe everybody donates some books. She finally has her job back. She finally has the kids. She's not as cool as John Kimball. She doesn't have a ferret. She didn't foil a crime. Probably trying to work her way back, you know, a little Ray Hanley on the Giant style. How do you follow a legend? Of course. Just as it's getting good, here comes John Kimball shows up again with a cane. Kids go nuts. That's it. She's just working at the hardware store the next day. It's done. Teaching.

1:31:39Bill Simmons:No more teaching for you.

1:31:40Kyle Brandt:And donks on her with Arnold repurposing his own line by saying, I'm back. And everyone goes crazy. Fuck you, lady. The teacher's like, I'm trying to teach some simple two plus three math. Get out of here, Kimball. You're not even a real teacher. That is strange.

1:31:57Bill Simmons:Just some lady who lived in Astoria, probably put three kids through the school system, kept her kindergarten job. She'd been there 28 years. Arnold just overnight takes it.

1:32:07Kyle Brandt:beloved teacher her life goal to educate young people and arnold with his lats and traps comes in they like him better because he has a stupid ferret last one for me is this a better movie if

1:32:19Bill Simmons:arnold dies he gets shot by the lady he's just he's just dead he doesn't make it yeah and we have like at a moment we almost go it's like hardball when when g baby dies we're just it's a fucking swerve. We don't know. Oh my God. G baby's dead. They just killed John Kimball. It's a wrap. He's done.

1:32:40Kyle Brandt:So play this out. Do we, do we get, we get a funeral scene and the children

1:32:44Bill Simmons:are all the most emotional funeral scene, just tears everywhere. This movie, this is now like the saddest movie of the 1990s. John Kimball, his legacy lives on. We're going to name the John Kimball library after the burn books. There's a statue. It's a collage of burn books and John kimball's honor the the bathroom there's some sort of statue of him sure like yeah is it a

1:33:10Kyle Brandt:dominant takes care of the ferret don't worry about it we'll do that yeah there's a scene like in the end when tony stark dies and all the avengers show up in their suits and it's very somber and then they just roll credits and that's it i don't know how that would test especially with the sobbing kids at the funeral yeah but um i like where you're going it's a huge zag and it's

1:33:30Bill Simmons:we'd get the boys to men at the end of the road yeah we get the end of the road it's right around the same time just tears

1:33:37Kyle Brandt:how about Chris lives too and he gets away with Dominic let's do that and he raises him with his mother

1:33:42Bill Simmons:Kimball's dead Pamela Reed stays to take over the class and her fiance becomes the Astoria lead chef that kind of carries legacy

1:33:55Kyle Brandt:Dominic's mom hangs herself we can do that that might work

1:33:59Bill Simmons:Secret Handshake Club memorabilia for the thing you would want from this movie. For me, it's something, a story elementary hat, T-shirt, something from that school. But I couldn't really think of one. What'd you have?

1:34:16Kyle Brandt:I just want a full head-to-toe outfit of Crisp. And I want to go to a Halloween party. Halloween, Crisp. And imagine the one person who would get... Are you fucking Crisp? And I'd be like, yeah, man, I'm Crisp. Look at the ponytail. They would be like, can I take a picture with you? That is the coolest thing. You're Chris. Yeah, I'm Chris. Anybody can take a picture. I'm Chris. That's what I want.

1:34:35Bill Simmons:So you'd need the big David Byrne suit. Yeah. Ponytail wig and a bad tan, and you're ready to roll.

1:34:43Kyle Brandt:It looks like the Night at the Roxbury guys if they had Paul Revere's ponytail. That's my look.

1:34:52Bill Simmons:Best double feature choice. I have Total Recall. Let's just show peak of the power 1990 Arnold. What do you got?

1:35:01Kyle Brandt:Your answer is better. I had Home Alone. They were running the world. It was all about kids then. It's Arnold. It's everybody. But Total Recall. This is the same actor screaming about, give these people air! And then he's dating in the same year. That's a great choice.

1:35:15Bill Simmons:He also makes the same face in each movie when it is the eye bulging. Ah!

1:35:20Kyle Brandt:Come on! Come on!

1:35:23Bill Simmons:You think this is the real Quaid? It is. That's great. Coach Finstock, Mr. Miyagi Award for Best Worst Life Lesson. Kindergarten teachers still matter.

1:35:34Kyle Brandt:Look at you. Look at old Simbo getting soft. That's thoughtful. They still matter.

1:35:39Bill Simmons:They can still make a huge difference in lives.

1:35:42Kyle Brandt:They do. You're married. You're allowed to dress like slobs. I like that the moms say that because it's definitely true. And the athleisure revolution has enabled all of us married people to just dress like pigs half the time.

1:35:54Bill Simmons:Yeah, and that's probably one of the only benefits from COVID. It's like, you know what?

1:35:57Kyle Brandt:Yeah, pretty awesome.

1:35:58Bill Simmons:These pants feel great. I'm not going to apologize. I go out in public like this.

1:36:02Kyle Brandt:These$200 Lululemons, awesome. I'll just wear them all day.

1:36:05Bill Simmons:Who won the movie, Arnold Schwarzenegger?

1:36:07Kyle Brandt:Arnold Schwarzenegger, twice in one year, dude.

1:36:10Bill Simmons:Craig's not here, but we are splicing a special part of the pod. He's just going to pop in with a little 90-second, here's my review of Kindergarten Cop, throwing it to him right now.

1:36:22Kyle Brandt:Okay, Kindergarten Cop. I watched with my wife, Liz. I would say easy watch. Liz and I shared a lot of eye rolls with one another after Arnold's cheesy lines. But by the end of the movie, you're kind of sold on the whole thing and you kind of come away feeling good. Arnold, man, is just, he's, it's like watching Arnold in this is like watching like Bill Lambert in the 90s or Roy Hibbert in the early 2010s, where it's just like perfect for the era. No chance this works now at all. 90s movies just have a charming obliviousness to them and that's why they work and that's why Arnold works in this I don't you couldn't I guess it's the rock today or something like that

1:37:03Bill Simmons:or like Ryan Reynolds but there is there is an aspect of this where Arnold is earnestly trying and and I don't know when his career pivoted from people realizing that it's just funny to watch him

1:37:17Kyle Brandt:say funny lines and maybe it was this one, but that obliviousness of the 90s is why those movies are so great and we're too self-aware now for I think that to work again. I appreciate that they spent all the money on casting Arnold and didn't have much else, which brings me to Richard Tyson, who my first question was, who the hell is this man and what is going on? What's going on here? An unexplored relationship with his mother in this film that we could probably dig into a little bit more. I think I think he's eligible to replace Judd Nelson for the actor that's just doing his own movie award I will have to give it to the hair and makeup department though because the greasy ponytail was just an absolute perfect choice they knocked that out of the park his look I have no notes 10 out of 10 on the look so great job by everybody there my favorite line from this movie is probably when Arnold meets Pam Reed and they get partnered together and there's just one line of exposition where she goes, so where are you from?

1:38:19Kyle Brandt:And he goes, Austria. And there's just no follow-up and they keep moving after that. So I really enjoyed that. I still don't really understand why Richard Tyson needed his son so badly and was willing to like blow up a school for it. But that's not what this movie's about. It's about watching Arnold say tumor with a bunch of kindergartners. And in that respect, it succeeds. So I'm sure you guys are gonna make fun of me coming back here and you're gonna pretend that I said something insane. but sure I'm in

1:38:50Bill Simmons:thanks Craig that was great Craig on fire can't believe you hated the movie that much

1:38:56Kyle Brandt:can you believe he mentioned the run time I mean incredible stuff great job

1:39:00Bill Simmons:Craig unbelievable kindergarten cop I don't know what's next for us we're a little light on Van Damme I feel like we addressed Arnold there's a Seagal movie we haven't done yet that you don't like. There's one that we haven't

1:39:18Kyle Brandt:done that we both like, though. And it stars Wesley Snipes and Sandra Bullock that's not been done. So there's some meat on that bone. The Van Damme thing is going to be tough. We'd have to go into, like, Lionheart and kickboxer territory. That might be tough. But I'm open for business anytime you are, dude.

1:39:35Bill Simmons:The Seagal, the Undeadly Ground, I've been circling a little bit.

1:39:40Kyle Brandt:I know, yeah.

1:39:40Bill Simmons:I don't know from a comedy standpoint.

1:39:44Kyle Brandt:I've been looking at that and I'm looking at Mark for death when he fights the Jamaican voodoo gangs in Screwface. That's in there for us as well. There's a lot of apples to be picked on the tree before we get to Screwface.

1:39:56Bill Simmons:There's also like some mid-90s Nick Cage that we could run back.

1:40:00Kyle Brandt:Yeah.

1:40:02Bill Simmons:There's Point Break, which we did the first year of the show.

1:40:05Kyle Brandt:I've been pushing for Repoint.

1:40:07Bill Simmons:Repoint is sitting there.

1:40:08Kyle Brandt:It's an unrecognizable podcast compared to what it is now. It's just very, very old.

1:40:12Bill Simmons:A lot of football stuff, everything else. All right, Kyle Brandt, any plugs you want to do before we head out of here?

1:40:19Kyle Brandt:No, not yet. Just listen to the Rewatchables podcast. Watch Good Morning Football. And I get it all the time, Bill. People come up to me, Bill, Kyle, Kyle, what's up, man? Hey, how you doing? Love you on Rewatchables. I love it. No, you don't. You love Cobra. That's why you love me on Rewatchables. That's what you love. It's so fun, man. Always.

1:40:36Bill Simmons:All right. Thank you. Great to see you. Thanks to Eduardo and Gahau as well. We will see you next week. Ironically, you're going to miss it. I think Ghostbusters is happening next week.

1:40:46Kyle Brandt:Oh, it's great. I'll be there listening. I can't wait.

1:40:48Bill Simmons:I think it's time. We're due. We're headed toward Netflix is a joke month. And we wanted to bang out like some sort of fun. I think I'm not positive, but I think it's happening.

1:40:58Kyle Brandt:Okay. You got the lineup ready? Like you got, you got the dream team.

1:41:00Bill Simmons:You can be going to be studying it, watching it. Yeah. I think we have the right cast of people. I can't wait. But anyway, I'll be there as I always am. Kyle Brand, great to see you. You too.

1:41:16We'll be right back.