Hour 2: Chiefs’ Retooling, NFL Playoff Clinching Scenarios, plus Frank Caliendo In-Studio

21:31Rich Eisen:Barkley is not one that we have on our list here. By the way, ESPN Radio is back. ESPN Radio presented by Progressive Insurance. Frank Caliendo is here. How's my upper lip, by the way? Last time I was sweating, the upper lip was going crazy. And I was like worried. Why could you decide to wear a jacket here? That was not smart. That's not. And then I wore long sleeves today, and I was like, what am I doing? And then the other shirt didn't fit well. You're good. I'll give you a heads up. Sarah's at the ready, off camera. She's prepped. Just in case she can come in. Like a pit crew. Like the, you know.

21:59Rich Eisen:Oh, yeah. If you need it for Jean Laclau. You can do that. But frankonstage.com to see Frank starting on New Year's Eve in Phoenix, Arizona, December 31st, for those who need the actual date. Do you do a Nance? Not well. It's one of those I find it every once in a while. There's a couple different Nances. There's football Nance and there's golf Nance. Oh, okay. My friend John Holmberg does a really good, and when we go Romo and Nance, he will usually do the Nance. Right. But it's that Hello Friends Jim Nance along with my pal Tony Romo. Oh, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jimity, Jim, Jimity, Jim.

22:42Did you see? Mary Poppins, Jim, Jimity, Jim, Bert. He's still alive. Dick Van Dyke doing a great job. Oh, my goodness. I love the Dick Van Dyke show and all the Mary Tyler Moore, tremendously talented people. They're so good at what they do, Jim. I'm smiling from ear to ear and actually across my ears. I didn't think my smile could be bigger than my face like Mr. Potato with extra extremities.

23:07Rich Eisen:Because Nance will say the name Pacheco like it's a six-syllable word. You know what I mean? Like Pacheco. Here's Isaiah Pacheco coming out of the backfield. He'll really lay into it. Yeah. Who were they saying a couple weeks ago that they pronounced the name differently than they'd ever pronounced it before? Oh, it was Mariota. That was Collinsworth. It was Collinsworth. They started calling him Marcus Mariota. And we're like, where the hell did that come from? Well, Tawico was doing it, too. Well, yeah, I know. There must have been a production meeting. It was exactly that. You know, if Gruden was there at a production, he's like, I'm just going to do it the way I've always done it.

23:45How does that sound, man? Marcus? Marcus? That sounds like you're going to start swearing, man. Marcus Mariota? I'll tell you what, man. That's pretty good. How about this? Let's start doing that with every NFL quarterback. Aaron Rodgers? I love Aaron Rodgers. Or is that French? Aaron Roger. I'll tell you what, man. You've got to look out for the French. You ever been to the Eiffel Tower, man? That's almost as tall as Victor Wembenyama. I wouldn't take a shot against the Eiffel Tower. And that's the same. That's where he's from, man. He's from France. You ever see London? You ever see France?

24:28Rich Eisen:I have, John. I have seen France, as a matter of fact. I tell you what. You ever see a Wimmy Down with Underpants? I wasn't sure where he was going with that. I remember we're on Disney Plus right now, man. There you are. Disney Plus. Disney Plus. We put the plus in it, man. I'll tell you what, man. That's a pretty good situation right there. It's better than Disney Minus. Oh, my God. Frank Caliendo here. Unless you have absolute value around it. But it's always Disney Plus, man. You remember absolute value brackets? Oh, God. I'd love to put some absolute value brackets. Oh, my God. I don't know.

25:03Rich Eisen:It's going bad. So, Frank, on stage.com. There you go. Omaha, Nebraska, Naples, Florida, Brookfield, Wisconsin are all spots. All right. We've got some fun planned for you. All right. As always. You ready for the fun? Yeah. I heard you talking about it. But you didn't show me any of them last time. Right. And they went over very well. You had no idea we were going to do the Mount Rushmore sandwiches. And now, I'm wiping the lip. Do you need Sarah coming in? Oh, she's on her phone. Okay. How's it look? How's it look? What do you think? It's good. She's giving you this stamp. It's good. But people were into that.

25:41They were like, the fact that I didn't get them in advance. Yes, that's correct. So I started propping that up and saying that was a big deal. That's true.

25:48Rich Eisen:Now, then when you want to show it to me, I was like, ah, that was one of them that I wanted to give you a heads up on in case you are not well versed on on the roster. Yeah. This is where you lie and say, I saw none of this. You did see none of these. OK, here we go. I saw the first one. First one, Frank Caliendo, because it is the holiday time. Yes. OK. I'd like you to tell me what's being served for Christmas dinner at the John Madden, the John Madden Christmas dinner. It's being served right now. Well, you know, there's a lot. I was going to meta on that. But, okay, so at the Christmas dinner, you got the turkey and the chicken and the duck, and you stuff them all together, you got the turduck, and that's first of all.

26:31Then you got the casserole, which is beans stuffed into, you got the corn stuffed into carrots. Stuff from succotents, that's what they used to say. We used to do a thing where Pat and I, we'd spend Christmas together sometimes, and Pat would be like, pass the gravy. And I passed the gravy and then boom, you got moist turkey.

26:55My brain immediately went to the wrong place of Madden in heaven. And I was like, well, that's not it.

27:00Rich Eisen:Okay, that's a good one. I love it. John Madden's Christmas dinner. Next one. Jerry Jones, what's on your Christmas list? Well, I think we need, we are in desperate need of a pass rusher for Christmas. It has been a while since we have been able to rush the pass. And I believe that as the owner, president, general manager, and coach of the Dallas Cowboys, that I will get what I want. I am on the nice list. Some owners are on the naughty list. I have never in my life been on the naughty list. and I do not believe that will ever take place. Do you think you need to change maybe the rules on who makes the playoffs in terms of your current situation?

27:55We have looked into it. That and robot refs. Cletus? Is Cletus the ref? Cletus, the Fox mascot, a giant transformer-like robot, will become the head referee, the Ed Hockley, but not as strong. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, but not as strong.

28:22Rich Eisen:Very good. Frank Caliander. Next up, I'd like to ask Adam Schefter, what is the meaning of Christmas? Well, according to my sources, at this particular time, it appears that Christmas is about giving. It is the giving season. in the Christian faith. Christmas is about the birth of the baby Jesus. Away in a manger, no room for a crib.

28:53And according to my sources, I'm going to go more secular with deck the halls with boughs of holly. According to my sources, fa la la la, it appears that Santa is already making his toys available around the world. Really?

29:17The elves are in production, getting ready. It's the preseason for the elves as we approach the regular season for the elves and then the playoffs. Christmas Eve goes into the Super Bowl of Christmas for Santa Claus, which is Christmas Eve. The end.

29:42Do you want to come in?

29:43Rich Eisen:Sarah's coming in. She's coming in. Sarah Jackson, get in there. It starts a lot. There we go. We always get a cutaway to Deltu for whenever. There we go. Look at you, man. You got some sweat right there and some sweat right there and boom, she can't get rid of it. tough acting sarah jackson

30:12Rich Eisen:yeah all right now that frank is all beautifully powdered two more to go uh steven a smith what are your new year's resolutions my new year's resolutions are in in no particular order

30:27peace and goodwill toward men i believe that is best for everyone I was prepared for Christmas stuff and you're going already to New Year's Eve so I would have to say what else are my New Year's resolutions to help out the Dallas Cowboys to maybe win again or am I against them I can't remember which it is anymore and maybe just possibly think of something better for this next time okay this is German

30:59Rich Eisen:I didn't have it See, that's what happens when you go. You put it out there and you fail. All right, so then what do you want for Christmas then? For Stephen A. Smith. All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. We're going Christmas carols. Two first takes? Two first takes. There it is. Finding a way that was not detrimental to the whole situation. All right, last one for you then, Frank. Mel Kuyper Jr., what is your evaluation of Santa's Reindeers? We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas and perpetuity.

31:37Rich Eisen:I guess the three, four syllable words are perfect. Yeah, those are all there. Isn't that your Rome sort of beat? Incredible. Right. Phenomenal. Ridiculous. Perpetuity. Arugula. Arugula. What a great lettuce. Nice job. What is your evaluation of Santa's reindeer, Mel Kuyper Jr.? Give me, I guess, the top prospects of Santa's reindeer. Talk about a tremendous set of reindeer, Rich. We all know about Rudolph. You've got Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen. Dasher, tremendous downhill speed, doing a great job with the rest of the reindeer. Prancer and Dancer, a little bit more shifty backs. I don't want to give them Barry Sanders type of moniker, but that's it.

32:25Prancer and Dancer really doing a nice job. Maybe a Saquon Barkley type of maneuver. Then they had Ransford, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen. Blitzen, break it into the backfield. I mean, that's the thing you do. You don't want to see. Like, you see Miles Garrett, Blitzen's the Miles Garrett of reindeer, break it in toward your quarterback at the end of the day. You're not going to get presents if that's what's happening. So we're going to look at it. Let's see. And like I said, the most famous reindeer of all, Rudolph Red-Nosed Reindeer, shiny nose, able to see tremendously as Santa Claus is delivering gifts.

33:02And the other reindeer used to laugh and call them names. They never let poor Rudolph join any reindeer games. Rudolph did a tremendous job at the NFL. Reindeer combine, ran a 4-2-40, just like Rich running his, and then doing a great job with the chalk talk. Rudolph not only tremendous field vision, but at the end of the day, I want Rudolph leading my sleigh. He's the guy.

33:31Rich Eisen:You're right that Rudolph faced adversity and got through it, right? You look at a guy like Herbie the Elf doing a job. He didn't want to be a dentist. This is an elf who wanted to be a dentist to have thought about, you know, kind of like a Kyler Murray type of situation. They end up on the island of misfit toys, the winter warlock. Listen, for For my money, Santa Claus is coming to town, the number one Christmas special. Kris Kringle left on the doorstep, finding his way. Burger Meister, Meister Burger. He didn't want to play the yo-yo. He didn't want Kris Kringle delivering toys. The kids didn't have any toys.

34:07The whole situation was great. Then Kris Kringle shows up in his red suit. Jessica, tremendously beautiful lady. There's kind of a stop motion type of thing. They put one foot in front of the other. At the end of the day, you end up walking through that front door.

34:23Rich Eisen:You could also, Santa could put Blitzen anywhere on the line, too. You could line up anywhere. That's the thing about Blitzen. You don't line them up in one slot. You could put them anywhere on the field. I've seen Blitzen. I've actually seen Blitzen start in the defensive backfield. That's not something a guy like a Blitzen would normally do. Nobody really does that. I mean, when you run around, it's called a defensive stunt. And at the end of the day, that's what this entire bit was. Thank you, Aliyando, everybody. Frank, it's so good. You want to take a shot at Berman reading Twas the Night Before Christmas?

34:55Rich Eisen:She went here. Twas the night before Christmas. And go through the house. Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. That's all I can remember. But according to my sources, at this particular time, it appears that St. Nicholas will arrive with a sleigh full of reindeer and presents for all the children of the world. And I don't even understand. And say what you will, but nobody delivers the presents like Santa Claus. I mean,

35:35nobody circles the world.

35:38Rich Eisen:Like Chris Kringle. Like Chris Kringle. To you, Rich. Oh, my God. As always, I'm crying. And I'm sweating. Me, too. It must be work. Oh, my gosh. I can't breathe. Frankonstage.com to see this man at work. Phoenix, Arizona on New Year's Eve. Omaha, Nebraska, and Naples, Florida to wrap up January. Look at that. Brookfield, Wisconsin. This is what the stars get. Look at you. You got your own little windmill right there. Yeah, right? Oh, my gosh. Hey, you're doing his cardio right here on the program. Oh, my gosh. I guess the last one for you. What was the most? What is it, Rich? Is it Darth Vader?

36:28Why don't we turn you into Rich? You could be Richard J, right? Something Robert Downey Jr. would have that, Frank. Robert Downey Jr., what are we doing? Where did the fans come from? Oh, they're always around me. Okay. well Robert Downey Jr. says the bit is he just he belches halfway through a sentence I'm going to do me a favor and ask you a couple questions Thor the gun of thunder we understand here oh my god I could always throw Mark Ruffalo in but nobody knows I'm even doing it

37:01Rich Eisen:that's a deep cut that's ridiculous I see this as an absolute win that's not bad at all no it's great what are you talking about did you touch my drum set come on rich john c riley is a nice deep cut john c riley like stephen a smith but you know not did you touch my drum set i have to say that if you touch my drum set we're gonna have a problem here so john c riley and stephen a smith is stepbrothers Oh, great. Idea, you just came up with that. Did we just become best friends?

37:41I believe we did in perpetuity. How do you turn this on?

37:47Rich Eisen:Ladies and gentlemen, Frank Caliendo did not ruin the dinner in possibly the evening. Oh, my God. Frankonstage.com to see this man live. Thanks for coming in, brother. Thanks for having me. I appreciate it. Always. When do I get to see you again? I'll tell you what, man. It's going to be pretty soon. You think so, huh? I think I'd be a pretty good buddy elf, man. Tell you what. Gruden on the shelf. I'll tell you what. Gruden on the shelf, man. The Chucky on the shelf. I'll tell you what, man. Some of these things I've been doing overnight are pretty crazy. Why are people always melting Hershey bars and putting it on toilet paper?

38:22I'll tell you what, man. There's a lot of weird things going on with these Grudens on the shelf. I'll tell you what. It's a tremendous job. Why are there jelly beans underneath me, man? I'll tell you what, that's tremendous. You ever swing from licorice? I'll tell you what, that's a pretty good idea, man.

38:43Rich Eisen:Frank Caliando, everybody. Another side-splitting, face-hurting appearance here on The Rich Eisen Show. Check out, again, frankonstage.com for tickets to go see this man live. We're back with more here on The Rich Eisen Show. We'll be right back. Right back, right back, right back, right back after this. The Rich Eisen Show, the podcast.

39:35We'll be right back. While supplies last, ends June 30th. Terms at aka.ms slash collegepc.

40:06State Farm is there.

40:10Rich Eisen:Back here on the Rich Eisen Show. Sonos has got its holiday sale going on right now. You should investigate, to say the very least, because we have Sonos in our house. Music and TV and anything you want to listen to in any room that you want to put it in in your house. the stuff that they have from the speakers to everything else. The software, unbelievable. So easy for you to install as well. My kids love it. Susie loves it. You will as well. That holiday sale that I'm selling John right now, it goes through December 28th. So get cracking at Sonos.com. Discover how easy it is to bring every room to life in your house with Sonos.

40:55Rich Eisen:844-204-RICH. Number to dial Derek in Missouri. needs the RAS Consulting help, I'm told. What's up, Derek? Not a whole lot, Rick. It's a little quiet here in the state of Missouri after what happened two days ago, not just because of fact that Chiefs were eliminated, but what happened to Patrick Mahomes was, you know, pretty unfortunate. You hate to see that happen to anybody, no matter who it is. Very good. Correct. I agree. What else is on your mind? So I need a little assistance from RAS Consulting for some of my Week 16 picks. Okay. I'll give you three in particular. I have eight to choose from, but I'll give you three in particular that I need the most help with more than anything.

41:36So I got the Thursday night game between the Rams and the Seahawks, and another one is Green Bay, Chicago, and New England and Baltimore. How would you take in those matchups if you had a big one?

41:49Rich Eisen:Man, it's going to be tough for the Rams to win in Seattle, but I think they are the better team, to be very honest with you. They have their own all-world receiver in Puka. Seattle has the one in JSN, but they have been having trouble on third down. They've been having trouble scoring, period, other than their defense being the catalyst of late. But they can obviously win, that's for sure. I don't know why I can't quit the Packers over the Bears and what was the last one? New England. New England's a better team than the Ravens right now. They should bounce back. They had the Bills down 21, you know?

42:33Rich Eisen:And the Ravens also, I think the Ravens also had the Bills down. Didn't the Ravens also have the Bills down 21 also? Back in week one? They did, yeah. The deficit or something close to 21. They did. But listen, I don't know if I gave you any help, but that's where I'm leaning on all those games here on the Tuesday before all of it happening. thanks to the call, Derek in Missouri, everybody. But I didn't give him the full R.E.S. consulting experience. You want to chime in, gents? Man, it wouldn't shock me if the home teams won. You mentioned the third down issue for Seattle. Devontae Adams not being there is kind of a big deal.

43:07Gives him the opportunity to kind of double. That's true. Maybe one of the tight ends break off for the Rams. Who knows? Chicago, Green Bay. Green Bay is one of those kind of roller coaster teams. They look great one week and then not so much the rest. And then the Patriots struggle against the run and kind of closing out games in the second half. So Derrick Henry might have a big game. I don't know.

43:29Rich Eisen:Those are three big games, though. You just named them. Yeah, massive. All playoff-type feel. Lions-Steelers, too, pal. Rogers back in Detroit. We mentioned Jacksonville-Denver earlier. Jacksonville-Denver might be the marquee game of the weekend. Yeah. With all due respect to Bears-Packers. And Bears-Packers is pretty huge every single time. And now you've got the Bears back on top again. I mean, the Packers go from one down to the wild card. The Bears go from the wild card up to one back to the wild card. Now back up to two. Bears-Packers Saturday. Saturday night. If you're the Bears now, you're looking at the Pack without Micah, and you've got to be Micah.

44:05Yeah, true. Micah. And the Bears have been running the ball really well. Right.

44:08Rich Eisen:And then the college football playoffs begin Friday. That's true. Greg Sankey's on tomorrow's program as two SEC teams take on one another. or Oklahoma beats Alabama, and all of us in Ann Arbor, Michigan will be like, hey, Kalen, will you check this box? He already said he's not going anywhere. I heard that. It took him a lot. It took a lot to get the answer out of him. What do you think he's going to say before a college football playoff game? Come on now. Which is why this is so stupid. This whole calendar is so stupid and dumb. That said, though, Bill Parcells once went to a Super Bowl for the Patriots, and it was all done.

44:43Rich Eisen:It was done. you know that happened it's happened in the pros as well i mean so um everybody knew that parcells was coaching and uh and the patriots in the super bowl and this thing was not yeah the grocery shopping was going to be done elsewhere so i mean i'm not saying it's only college football but right now these days this that's what i got to talk to sankey about tomorrow you know in the same way that we're all in ann arbor rooting for oklahoma to give us a quick shot at Kalen DeBoer, if that even is the right move, I don't know. As you know, I'm looking for the, I'm not trying to fish into deep sea waters here like that.

45:25Rich Eisen:I'm looking for somebody that is ready to do more. Yeah, an up-and-comer, like as I say, a football Dusty May. I don't know who that person is. But, you know, in the same way that I'm like, hey, Kalen, will you check this box? I'm saying to Greg Sankey, will you check this box? Can you, with Tony Petitti, get in a room and take over? Yeah. You and the Big Ten commissioner get in the room with a lot of the executives we know at ESPN and get in a lot of executives that you know at Fox. And let's get in a room and figure this thing out. And will you be the commissioner? Will you check this box? I've asked him multiple times appearing here, and he's like, I don't want any part of it.

46:09Rich Eisen:Because who the hell knows? We've got to fix a lot. Here's what we got to do. We got to figure out who are the teams that are in the boat for the college football playoffs at the toppest, the tippy toppest of the tier. Let's figure out 64 of them. And then who's in the lower tier that you can relegate back and forth and elevate from? And then get every other sport out of the mix. College basketball is on its own island. And then the rest of the so-called Olympic sports are on their own island. so you don't drag everybody from one coast to the other you know for swimming or volleyball just because football's mandated it yep there we go we fixed it boom look at us res consulting that's it unite i mean i missed this last night arch manning uh coming going back to texas for next year there you go there you go looks like the boat's gonna wait we can go home now if we only have a whole third hour exactly charlie barons the comedian is here in studio for our through.

47:07Rich Eisen:Keep the labs going. The Rich Eisen Show podcast. You can't reason with the sun. Trust us. We've tried. This summer, it's time to put that angry ball of fire on mute. Columbia's OmniShade technology is engineered to protect you from the sun's harsh rays that can burn and damage your skin. The sun is relentless, but so is our gear. Level up your summer at Columbia.com to spend more time outside and less time slathering on aloe lotion. You're welcome. Colombia. Engineered for whatever.