Hour 2: Rich’s NFL Week 2 Power Rankings and Comedian Frank Caliendo In-Studio

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21:25Rich Eisen:Back on the Rich Eisen Show. Frank Caliano keeping us entertained in the Disney Plus ESPN app everywhere only segment. I'm here on ESPN Radio presented by Progressive Insurance. Frank Caliendo's going on tour September 17th and 18th in Tampa. Can't wait to hear about that. I'll tell you what, man. November 5th in Minneapolis, Minnesota. But everybody, certainly if you are in the greater Chicago area, Aurora, Illinois, just outside of Chicago at the Paramount Theater, October 25th, frankcaliendo.com for tickets and information. Ladies and gentlemen, good to see you. I was watching one of the older clips that you play in the interstitials or whatever during break time kind of thing.

22:08That plays for TV. That plays for TV. Because Mooch, who ever since I've done stuff on your show, I don't really do a great Steve Mariucci, but I do. My name is Steve Mariucci, and I'm a cultivational speaker. Cultivational. He went to the drink like, Rich, I got to tell you, this is what it's going to be about. And then he did some of this stuff and he's going all around.

22:30Rich Eisen:Mooch is like, you're right. He is. Hold on a second. I know you're talking right now, but this is what we're going to do. Listen, I'm actually doing a play inside my head and it's going across. Did you ever see the hangover? That's what's going on in my head right now. The numbers are going. You will text me occasionally during NFL game day morning asking me if he is doing the Van Bae Down the River Axe. I thought Belushi at first, and you actually made me realize, no, that's more Farley. It's more Farley. Mooch has got half Farley, but he does have Gruden in him where he will hit you in your arm when he's talking to you.

23:05Rich Eisen:What is with that? Because I sit to Mooch's right, and my left arm will get like a slap every three, four times during an hour. Like, he will slap you. I'll tell you what, man. That's what happens, man. You get around the wrong guy, you might get a shoulder slap. Spider 2 wide banana I tell you what man So I was in Rome Visiting Rome Not Jim I was actually doing a post I was regurgitating my Jim Rome I am Rome in Rome My phone is in Rome How great is that So I put a little post on Instagram Jeff Leonardo Who is John Gruden's right hand man Sees it and he goes Did you know John is in Italy right now Oh, my God.

23:50Do I have Grudar? How would I know? Like there's some kind of, it's like the force. I can feel the presence. It's strong in this one, man. So he goes, text John. So I text John. We end up going for dinner. We go out to dinner. He chooses the place, goes to the wrong place. Grud. Yeah. And I'm like, if you're five minutes early, you're already late, man. I'll tell you what. I almost went Parcells. Okay, that's the kind of thing we got to understand here. So we end up, he's doing plays while you try to get him to pass something. You ever have spaghetti 2Y bruschetta, man? Try this. Take a look at this.

24:34He's going from piece to piece. I tell you what, man, it's pretty good right now, man. So I'm going to see him this week in Tampa.

24:41Rich Eisen:Next week. He tells you let's meet up for dinner in Rome. Here's the place to meet. And then he goes to the wrong place. The Gruden point system is gone. That's out. I don't even know why. I still don't understand what happened, but just him going, hey, you gonna eat that meatball, man? Tell you what, that's a pretty good looking meatball there. Spaghetti 2 Y bruschetta. Yeah, man. You said property too with this cup. Oh, man, I've been to Rome. When in Rome, tell you what, do as the Romans do, man. You ever hear about they had a pretty good army there, man, but things didn't go their way. You're about Pompeii, man.

25:16I tell you what. There's not a lot of Pompeii left. There are ancient ruins, but they made bread there, man. That's where they started making bread. They had their own sewer system. I tell you what, man. If I was in ancient times, I'd want to be part of Rome. All right.

25:33Rich Eisen:Frank Kelly and do you here on the Rich Eisen ship. Oh, my God. All right. So I thought of you and I know you took notices of this, too. The new David O. Russell movie about John Madden. I got a call about it. I got a call. They asked me to audition for the part of Howard Cosell. Are you serious? Yes, and I didn't even do it because I couldn't. First of all, this is hot. I would be a terrible... I don't do a Howard Cosell. Sure. Like anybody that comes to one of my shows for the last 30 years, there's always an older person. I was like, do Howard Cosell? I mean, right after my Spiro Agnew. For those who don't know, Spiro Agnew was Richard Nixon's vice president.

26:14so uh nice that was great i um yeah so so i i they they want me the agents are like well it's real movie i go i know nicholas cage has been cast as it and people will tell me they're like you should have gotten it like i'm never getting a role over nicholas cage that has never happened you would have been madden well that's what that's what fans say like fans of me were like you should have been mad i'm like listen nicholas cage i'm choosing him over me right it's like but then I got a call from my agent and he said, uh, they want to meet with you. Uh, the director and, uh, a Nicholas cage, the director of Nicholas cage want to meet with you over zoom to talk about Madden.

26:56I'm like, no, he's like, what do you mean? No. I go, I want to hang out with Nicholas cage. If I'm going to give the recipe to the Madden voice, I want to hang out with it. Cause I think I could have worked with it. It didn't end up happening, but I, I think it, but it was, cause I, I was making demands. We are going to, we're going to go into Vegas. We're going to see your exotic animals. Here's my monitor lizard. What would he say? What would John Madden say to this monitor lizard? We're going to steal the Declaration of Independence. Boom. So you really believe he would say that? Yes, yes, I do.

27:33So how do we work on the Madden voice? How do we find it? Where does it evolve from? Well, you've got to bring it in the back of your throat like you're speaking through a bubble. And then, boom! I mean, that's how you get it. I mean, look at that picture right there, Rich. I mean, on the left, you've got Al Davis. That's Christian Bale. I mean, he went from Batman to... I mean, you can't get it. And then over there, you've got, on the right side there, looking at it, you've got Nicolas Cage. And he's kind of in Monty Python with that hair. Maybe not exactly, but he looks a lot like John Madden.

28:12And I mean, I don't know if they're the Wonder Twins or what. They got their rings out. You get a monkey named Glick and then boom, Wonder Twin powers activate. Shape of a football. Form of a touchdown. I mean, boom. I tell you what, man, I love the Raiders and I love what he Caliendo just did. breaking down David O 'Rourke of a tremendous film. I can't wait. Then they asked, then my agent asked, he said, do you want us to try and get you a small part in it or something? Like try and force your way in. I'm like, no, I want to be able to make fun of it. I was like, in it with a tiny part. That's better for you.

28:48Like, like I just, like I'd be mini Madden. I shall call him mini Madden. Throw me a freaking bone here and I'm like,

28:57Rich Eisen:yes, I love that take. Oh my God. Wow. Frank Caliendo here on The Rich Eisen Show. We have some, please take a sip. We have some scenarios we'd like to have you explain or situations or rules. There's many different aspects of this in different voices, if you don't mind. And the first one is Madden. Okay, yeah. For somebody who does not know what the tush push is, can you explain it as John Madden? I mean, it sounds like it could be a lot of different things, right? I mean, but the line, you've got to get the line all there. And you've got to be pretty big guys. You know, there's a quarterback sneak.

29:38You're not sneaking. They know it's coming. And then you've got Jalen Hurts. I mean, it hurts everybody. I mean, other teams. I mean, this is a play that so many people don't like that they tried to get it outlawed. but they didn't know why they could outlaw it, so they couldn't outlaw it because one of the Kelsey brothers. I mean, I haven't been around for a while, so I can't. It's Jason Kelsey. Jason Kelsey came in, and he said that it doesn't hurt anybody. But I've seen Jason Kelsey a lot of times, and I don't know if he's always telling the truth. I mean, I think he keeps a lot of secrets about Taylor Swift.

30:18I mean, that's the guy. There you go. Boom.

30:21Rich Eisen:Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Kelly. And that's John Madden explaining the Tush Push. Next up, I'd like to have John Gruden give his opinion on where the next season of White Lotus should be. I'll tell you what, where was the last one? Thailand, man? Is that where it was? Yes, it was. There's a lot of stuff going on in Thailand. I'll tell you what, man. Spider 2, why? It means something completely different in that experience, all right? So where is it actually going on? I haven't heard. I'm not actually sure where it is. I think it's France. Did you hear that? This was a while back. Gruden knows so little about anything besides football.

30:57He started, this was last year. He goes, you hear about this show Walking Dead, man? You hear about this thing? Did he say that to you? No, he did it like he was talking about on the, where was it, Patrick? It was on the internet or something like that?

31:08Rich Eisen:Could have been on Barstool or whatever. He's appearing on a lot of shows there lately. You ever hear this Walking Dead, man? I think they're, I'm in episode number 12. I think they're going to get out of this, man. I think they're going to figure out what happened. but I think they're going to get away from the sleaze stacks. That was from the land of the lost, man. I'll tell you what. They had the pylons. They could go from Marshall, Will, and Holly on a routine expedition. Sid and Marty Kroff, man. The only thing better than that is being in Rome and acting like you're in Rome, man. That's maybe where the White Lotus should be.

31:40I'll tell you what, Rome. That's a great idea. In the Coliseum. You get gladiators. I'll tell you what. White Lotus? That's a tremendous idea, Rich Eisen. I love the way he's thinking right now.

31:52Rich Eisen:All right. So next up, Morgan Freeman explaining what happened between Micah and Jerry Jones. The saga that happened. Morgan Freeman. Well, sometimes an owner of a football team believes he can negotiate with anybody he wants. Doesn't have to play by the rules. The Players Association says, well, truth of the matter is you're supposed to talk to an agent. Jerry said, I am the league. I'll do it the way I please. And that's when they realized Micah Parsons would be a Green Bay Packer.

32:30I have been thinking about it for a while. Remember when it was... Is that a new voice? It's gotten better, that's the thing. I mean, that is... I've been thinking about it a lot in the shower. I have been. I've been thinking. and I thought about Micah in the bathtub. Des is a shower thought. Micah is a shower thought.

33:02Rich Eisen:Write that down, please. That's a great one. Micah is a tub thought.

33:10Rich Eisen:Oh, my God. Jerry, you did hear that time about Jerry talking about eating squirrel, right? You heard about that one. I remember it vaguely. I don't remember it specifically. Where did that come up? It just came up on its radio show or something like that. I have no idea. Raccoons and squirrels. One of my favorites is squirrel. I was born for the NFL. There it is. I'm sorry. That was the drop. That was the drop that we had right there. Play again. One of my favorites is squirrel. One of my favorites is squirrel. I love it more than the flying squirrel. Remember Rocky and Bullwinkle? I would eat both the moose and squirrel.

33:44I was Boris Badenoff. silly moose and squirrel i'm going to eat you right before i trade maca parsons

33:58Rich Eisen:i've got one more for you yeah because now that we're on disney plus and espn uh i would like a trio of three uh it's the same concept but three different voices we'll do one at a time the mount Rushmore of sandwiches. Okay. As told by Chris Berman. We've got to go way, way back. Back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back. In my menu, in my head, about what's the greatest sandwich. A lot of people talk about the club sandwich.

34:32Bacon. It just becomes nothing. What else is that? And like I said, I'm BLT, BLT. We're going to go BLT. Say what you will, but nobody circles the wagons like the BLT sandwich.

34:49Rich Eisen:Okay, so that's one sandwich. All right, now there's three others to fill out. Adam Schefter putting a sandwich on Mount Rushmore. According to my sources, at this particular time, it appears that a hot dog has been named a sandwich. And in this case, we are going to put the hot dog, a.k.a. sandwich, on the Mount Rushmore of sandwiches. And that is the way it's going to be. I like when he just winds down. Like Adam just ran out of energy. Or he saw something else. I saw something else on my phone. I had to throw it to the host. Everything's going to be fine. But unfortunately, I'm running out of breath And this is like Dizzy Gillespie Playing the trumpet out of the other side of his mouth And I'm running out of everything And now, I'm Morgan Freeman on helium

35:48Rich Eisen:I don't know about hot dog The third sandwich on Mount Rushmore Stephen A. Smith I understand where you're coming from With some of these sandwiches, my friend But I'd have to say in perpetuity, I'm going to have to go with the corned beef on rye. It doesn't get any better than that. That's all I got. So you do the low version of Stephen A? I do the quiet Stephen A. You quiet Stephen A? Stephen A is the thoughtful Stephen A. Thoughtful Stephen A. Jay Farrow does that over the top, like unbelievable. The outrage Stephen A. Yeah. Okay. The screaming A. And I always gravitated toward that. I understand, Rich.

36:33I know what we're trying. And I talked to him a while ago. I said, it seems like you're doing more. You're going to run for president? I understand. That's an opportunity I might partake in. I see where things are going on every side. I just want to listen to people and understand where we need to go with some of these things. Mr. Caliendo. Do me a favor.

37:02Listen, I get it. People need to be listened to. And I'm your guy.

37:10Rich Eisen:And the last one, sandwich. Ask not. Pontificate not what your country could do for you, but what you in perpetuity could do for your country. So we've gotten a corned beef on rye from Stephen A., A hot dog from Schefter. A BLT from Chris Berman. The last sandwich on Mount Rushmore by future ESPN contracted employee, Charles Barkley. I'm going to go grilled cheese. It's simple. It's straight to the point. There's no, it's not going for clicks. We're just doing this for real. A lot of people go for clicks with a sandwich. We're not doing that. We're going for real. And I believe that it's simple.

37:52It's a little bit of butter. a little bit of cheese, some bread, and one of those shots, and that's not cheating.

38:00Rich Eisen:Not cheating. Oh, my God. I should have gone Mel Kiper. Talk about tremendous sandwiches, incredible. Magic can go with ham. A lot of people are talking about the different types of deli meat. What I like to do is go to the deli, start choosing different meats on my own. I don't like a sandwich that's already prepared. I like to go something, find a low-risk, high-reward type of sandwich. At the end of the day, salami, doing a tremendous job, spicing up the Italian hoagie just a little bit. It'd be hard-pressed to tell me otherwise. Frank Caliendo, man. Jeez. You are the greatest. My sides are killing me.

38:41Rich Eisen:Oh, my God. All right, so you're in Tampa right away. Tampa, a club called Side Splitters next week, early in the week. 17th and 18th. And that's going to hang out with Gruden. We're going to open up some boxes, man. He will be there. Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't know if he's coming to the show. He came to the show last time. It's very funny because people are just looking around. I'm doing Gruen. He's looking around. I was like, it's going pretty well, man. And then the next big show, the other big show I'm doing is the Paramount Theater in Aurora. I think you mentioned that earlier. October 25th.

39:09Yeah, October 25th, the Paramount Theater in Aurora. FrankOnStage.com. Get you all those tickets. FrankOnStage.com. Yeah, you don't even spell Caliendo, which is the letter C, the word alien, and the word do. Frank C. Alien do. In Minneapolis, that show's already sold out actually at Acme Comic Company. We're going to add another show pretty soon. Awesome. And something in Nevada coming up as well. Did I say that right? You did? Yeah.

39:32Rich Eisen:I learned that the hard way early in my career when I said Nevada. And you said you used to say Oregon. Oregon. All us New Yorkers would say, hey, we're going out to Oregon. You would play Oregon Trail, man? That was early in the computer world, man. You would Try and survive your way to Oregon. So before you leave. Oregon, isn't that a shape, man? Isn't that a. I think, no, it's, it's, it's, you can fold up. You could fold up. It's the Japanese. There you go. I was going to say something that would get me kicked off. No, we don't want that. No, no. One last thing, if you don't mind, we have a drop.

40:07Rich Eisen:Do you have the old drop? Because you said this in a video with Gruden saying that the Raiders are going to go 16 and L. When? Right. When? So what we'd love for you to do is we can't play that drop anymore because they added a 17th game. Oh, right, right, right. Could you say 17-0 as Gruden? Yeah. 16-0, man. That's what we have. 17-0, man. Thank you so much. I can't wait for this season, man. I can't. Well, we're off and running. Did you hear this thing about Taylor Swift? I barely heard anything about it. Get the plug in. Caliendo, don't cut him off from the plugs. No, it's all good. Frank Caliendo.

40:44Rich Eisen:My plug. No, I would think what would be the best to have explained the Travis Kelsey, Taylor Swift marriage? I'll tell you what, a lot of people didn't believe this was real love. They thought this was a staged situation. But I'll tell you what, love finds a way, man. Just like Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park. He says life finds a way. Life is love. Two L's, alliteration, Taylor Swift, Travis Kelsey going to get married. I'll tell you what, I can't wait to meet their kids. Fantastic. Ladies and gentlemen, you're the best man. Thanks for coming on. You're right. Thank you. October 25th, Paramount Theater in Aurora.

41:22Rich Eisen:Check that one out just outside of Chicago. But if you're in central Florida, anywhere near Tampa, 17th and 18th to see this man on stage. 844-204-RICH-NUMBER-DON. Back with more in a second.

41:37Rich Eisen:The Rich Eisen Show. The podcast.

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42:42Rich Eisen:Terms apply at SoFi.com slash DebtPlay. Back on the Rich Eisen Show, Disney +, ESPN app everywhere, ESPN Radio, presented by Progressive Insurance. Protect the stuff you love with renter's insurance. Visit Progressive.com. How funny is that guy, man? Jeez. Oh, my God. Fast mind. Yeah, I could listen to Frank do his thing all day. We've had him, Bert Kreischer, and Bill Burr in the last three, you know, three of the last shows. I love to laugh. Hopefully you do, too. Obviously, we all do. Speaking of team not laughing very much, James in West Virginia has called into the program. What's up, James?

43:21Oh, not much, man. I did have a question, but I also wanted to say thank you to you and your whole crew for putting your show out there, man.

43:31Rich Eisen:Thank you. Because about a year ago, I got injured at work. I tore my ACL, MCL, and PCL. So sorry to hear that. Sorry, dude. Yeah, I was out for about seven months, and I got depressed and stuff because we lost our house and everything. I lost my job because of the incident, and I listen to you guys every day. You made me laugh. You brought my spirits up, so I just want to say thank you guys. Well, thank you for saying that, and we hope things are better now that you've called into the show since what had happened before. That's part of the reason what we do here every day. We understand that there's a lot of real-world stuff going on that's freaking people out and some real-world stuff, obviously, in your world.

44:15Rich Eisen:So if we can be here for you, we are pleased to do that. What was your question that you had in your mind? So do you think the Dolphins should be in panic mode? I mean, Sunday was like a kick in the balls, you know what I mean? I mean, it should be a wake-up call at least. They're not that bad. They have talent, but they don't have a secondary or an offensive line. They can't stop anybody. Sunday, you know, if you had to, you know, I had my power rankings, right? One through 32, one through 10. If you, if you went all the way down to 32, I would consider putting the Dolphins at 32nd based on their performance.

44:51Rich Eisen:Now that's just one week. Mike McDaniel, who's a friend of ours on this program, basically when he was asked if there was anything positive and he, the positive thing he said that we, we got embarrassed that maybe that will shake a locker room or shake, the insides of his team. That's not the way you want to do that. But so, you know, thanks for the call, James. And hang in there. Please call back more often. Let's be there for you if you want to hear a voice actually. Be good, James. Person to person. This was McDaniel today when talking about Tua, who had multiple interceptions, as we know. I think I saw, you know, quarterback play that was less than to be desired.

45:38which Tua absolutely knows. But that was, he's the captain of the franchise quarterback. And everybody kind of fell victim to something similar. I also know that he's very, very much like most quarterbacks, to be honest, where you're putting a lot of work into something and your first time doing it for a collective four quarters in months, you're not at your best. My biggest thing is I don't want to make the same mistakes twice. I don't want to have things happen for no reason or in vain. You make them purposeful by improving upon the things that you failed at and then making sure that your teammates do the same.

46:31So he's comfortable with that. comfortable with that um in terms of it you know we we need to be better collectively um he and everybody else needs to be better uh for us to get done what we want to get done and i understand

46:47Rich Eisen:dolphin fans you know mike mike's style of speaking um you know where he took 60 seconds to say guy stunk he can't do that anymore we got to be better yeah but that's just the way he talks That's his style of speaking. He's a very, you know, cerebral guy and spiritual as well. And I know when you don't win, that comes across as unserious. And it comes across as just do it, man. I don't want to hear it in him anymore. That's what happens when you lose 33 to 8, which is a problem. Because he does have the abilities to coach and lead and figure stuff out. So are they in panic mode? Ish. The Rich Eisen Show Podcast.

47:37You know when you're locked in, focused, and fearless. Welcome to the WNBA. Your vision narrows. You can't look away. Every assist, every stop, every logo three. From beyond the logo. Every did you see that moment. You bet. What records are going to be broken this season? All of it right here. Lock in. It's the WNBA on ESPN. All season long.