Hour 3: Comedian Bert Kreischer In-Studio, plus Overreaction Tuesday

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21:19Rich Eisen:Buy one, get one free. Plus, receive four times O rewards points. Stop by your local O 'Reilly Auto Parts store or shop online at OReillyAuto.com.

21:32Rich Eisen:Our friend who's going on the Permission to Party World Tour that kicks off September 18th in Rockford, Illinois, before moving on to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, St. Paul, Minnesota, and other parts for you to go check out. Ladies and gentlemen, Pert Kreischer back on the program. I like it. Why are we calling it Permission to Party? What's this concept here? I just like the idea that like certain times that you get a permission to party and it's always when the person that doesn't drink a lot says, I don't know, do you want to do a specialty cocktail tonight? And you're like, I just got permission to party.

22:03Like that energy is the reason I party. And the reason I'll never stop partying is because we turn on the hot tub last night and Leanne goes, should we open a bottle of rosé? And I immediately, I go, oh, we're getting lit tonight. Like that energy is what I'm looking forward to. So I want you to hear about this tour. And when your wife says, should we get tickets to go to permission to party? You go, should we get an Uber? I have a speech where I did not plan it at all. As a matter of fact, and I mean this with love, I didn't even want to do the interview. It's with Caleb Presley on Barstool. And he does it.

22:38I mean this for real. I'm not good with characters. So I thought I wouldn't be funny. And so I was like, you know what, I shouldn't do it. And they're like, he's a fan, you're a fan. I was a fan of him doing it. So I did it. And I don't know if the interview went well. I'm sure it didn't. But there was one question he said, will you ever quit drinking? And I answered it from my heart. And I said, I'll never quit drinking. I love the feeling of when they say bottomless mimosas or when you get on a plane, they go double jack on the rocks, on the rocks. And it turned into this pump up speech that like kids play on game day in the morning in the fraternity house of I'll never quit drinking.

23:13And they got music to it. And it's like one speech that I never played. I never played on doing the interview. And I love Caleb. But I just was like, I don't know. and now I get on a plane and flight attendants will go double jack on the rocks so I never quit drinking because of that speech

23:30Rich Eisen:and I kind of feel like the permission to party just happened with me giving you permission to change your shirt into the way you wanted to dress I kind of feel like we just actually mimicked the whole concept that you just threw there so it's good to have you here and this whole tour your Florida State Seminoles just took care of business they didn't just take care of business They put Alabama in a deep, dark hole. I was there. I saw it. You did. I saw it. God, it was so great. But first of all, so Florida State called me and said, would you give a pump-up speech before the game? Yes. And I was like, yes.

24:10And I said, listen, you've got to give me parameters, because if you let me do it. Never quit drinking. I think you're going to give a never-quit-drinking speech. And so they gave me parameters. and the parameters ultimately, and I showed them to Tom and I love Florida State. I know. Oh, Tommy and I were going together because we were doing a Poroso takeover. Okay. So Tom, it's me and Tom and it's old school Tom, the fun Tom who's carrying hot sauce in his pocket. Fat Tom. Fat Tom, the one we loved before we changed. Oh, he was so fun. Fat Tom will let you shave his breasts. Fat Tom was so different.

24:41So it was before he started dying his chest hair. And so, I know, right? It was so crazy. So Tom could tell I was nervous Tom knows me better than probably any man knows me He could tell I was nervous So I was looking at their speech And basically they wanted the Kevin James God bless America, God bless the troops That was the parameters for yourself And when were you giving the speech? Like two days before the game? No, on the field But right before the spear goes into the Get out of here Oh yeah, 90 ,000 people

25:13Rich Eisen:Oh man Yeah, and so I'm nervous because I'm like, I love the troops and I love America, but that's not my energy. It just reads weird for me to be like, God bless the General Schwarzkopf or whatever. I don't have him to follow the military. That's a great Desert Storm reference. Okay, yeah, got it. I went to school with his daughter. Shout out to Tampa, Berkeley. So I start to go, I'm going over the notes of what they want me to say and tell him where the bar is drinking. and Tom's like, hey, he's like, don't do that. And he's like, you know what? You went to school here. You know what it's like to be here.

25:52This school means anything. He goes, just speak from the heart and don't care what they say at all. And then Kirk Fox is with me and Kirk goes, very important, talk to them, not at them. These are great pieces of advice. And so I literally scrapped everything they wrote for me. I walked out with no script and I gave what I would argue is my, and I give good pump up speeches. I give a speech about how you need to sprinkle the angel in your heart with alcohol. It's a great pump up speech. I've never quit drinking speech. I've given some great man. 90 ,000 people. TJ, you would have been proud. Where did he go?

26:26It was, I basically said, you can find it online. I'll post it on my thing. Yes, please. But it was, you know, my name is Bert Kreiser. I spent six and a half years at this beautiful institution. I'm not even certain if I have a degree. I was baptized in 1991 in that end zone when there were still wooden bleachers. And when that spear went into that 50-yard line, tears streamed down my eyes. Those tears were garnered. And gold placed pops. All the things are going to come in and roll all over us. They don't know where they are. This is the house that Bobby Barron built. The ship that comes normalize to this day.

27:06I only have two words to say to you. Go. No. No.

27:14I'm crying. I'm tears off. Shirt comes off. Tommy's crying. Mike Alford, the athletic director, was like, that was amazing. Coach Norville's pumping his arm. They go, you want to see the spear drop? I go, yeah. They take us, I'm shirtless, to the 50-yard line where Chief Asiola comes out on Renegade. Burning spear. I look at Tommy. He's crying. I'm crying. It's the best day of our lives.

27:39Rich Eisen:That was what the Alabama game was like. And then they went out and went. It was so great. And we had what you could only call the hallowed seats. I mean, we were with Danny Cannell, Warwick Dunn, William Floyd. Look at you guys. All these great names that we love and know. They're me and Tommy out on the field. Yeah, he has dropped some LBs. I know. You can barely see him behind me. By the way, when you do something like that and then the team goes out and poops the bed, that is like your worst nightmare, right? Like that you that you have failed. But for them to then go and do what they did and have Alabama basically say, what's our coach's buyout number?

28:25Rich Eisen:You know what I mean? Like that's how badly it went for the opposition after you set the stage, Burt Kreischer. It was the best, man. That is the best. And then we're at dinner. and we're hammered. And Tommy says, text coach. Yeah? So I text Coach Norville. Drunk? A drunken text to the coach? So drunk. So drunk. Now that's a bad piece of advice from Tom there. You have no idea, Rich. Now I'm under the impression that Coach Norville's got what we would only agree a healthy sense of humor. Okay, good. Uh-oh. He is a fairly serious guy from what I've learned. Okay. Hey, Coach, congrats on the win.

29:15Tommy and I are in Tallahassee still, and we want to know if you want to decompress tonight with a slumber party. Maybe watch Goonies, have some ice cream, and just chit-chat until the sun comes up. Hit me back, Bert.

29:29Rich Eisen:And? Thanks.

29:35Rich Eisen:that's interesting no but no you had a real appreciation for being here and the impact on the adversity great speech whatever okay coach stuff you know who's got less of a sense of humor than him coach Belichick I got a text what you texted Belichick he texted me he texted me Coach, I love Coach Belichick, and I know that he'll never text me again now. When Coach Belichick, Bill Belichick texted you, Bert Crusher, about what? About what? First of all, it's the most confusing text in the world. Hey, BK, it's BC at UNC. HC at UNC. It's all these letters. And I go, who the hell is this? So I write, new phone, who this?

30:30No! You did?

30:35He goes back, and I'm panicking. I text Julian and Gronk. I'm like, do you have Coach Palachuk's number? I think I just wrote a new phone. I think nothing would have to do to figure out what Bill Palachuk... Hey, BK. It's BCHC at UNC. I'm like, huh? BB. BB. BB. BB. Bill Belichick. Oh, no, B.B., B.B., B.B., B.B.

31:02Rich Eisen:H.C. at UNC? Wow. Wow. And so did he say it's Bill Belichick? Did he write back? I got it. Yeah, yeah. It's him. The most nerve-wracking three dots in the history of three dots. The most nerve-wracking. And then I was like, I've got to go to a UNC game now. Support coach. You know the best. You know the best. Oh, my God. The best Bill Belichick. I know I've told you this. But when we did the roast to Tom Brady, and we're all backstage, and it's Gronk, it's Tom Brady, it's Jules, it's Randy Moss, it's the whole team. Everybody, yeah, yeah. And Drew Bledsoe, and I just, you know, we're pumped up.

31:39We're comics. We're not like they are. They're like, you know, energy. I go, yo, coach, give us a pump-up speech. And every Patriot just looks at each other like, well, we know where this is going. He's like, do your effing job. That's what he said? Yeah, and we're all like, and they're like, all right, let's go.

31:56Rich Eisen:the stage is set oh my god yeah that is so funny legend hey well while we run the subject of college football you got to help me interpret this if you don't mind so arch manning of texas uh is seen wincing as he's throwing a football i saw that you saw that right yeah yeah and so um it was brought up to sarkeesian uh in his press conference uh on monday and it can i don't know how to interpret this answer. Maybe you can help Bert Crusher. Roll it, please. Arch Manning seemed to be having some throwing pains by the fourth quarter. According to who? Arch. Arch said that to you? No. Oh, according to who?

32:34Rich Eisen:It just looked like he was... He doesn't have any. Is there an explanation to why he was... it looked like that? I don't know. I've never filmed any of you guys when you're using the bathroom, so I don't know what faces you make when you're doing that. Can we... Can we get an interpretation of that? Like, what does that even mean? Anybody? I know what it means. Does it mean that Arch was going to the bathroom? No, no, no. He was. So what happened is, his brain went, Coach, I got an analogy. Start an analogy. And he was like, I've never. And his analogy went, pull. And he goes, taking a dump. And he's like, huh?

33:12And he's like, taking a dump. Say he's never seen him taking a dump. Tell them he's never seen. And he was like, this is going to be a great idea. It's going to really land. I've never filmed you guys going to the bathroom. and everyone's like, what? You can see it in his eyes. He went, that was the wrong one. I should have said something else. I never filmed you guys on a treadmill, on a treadmill.

33:28Rich Eisen:That would have been better. That is so funny because you'd look at him and it was something. I just thought like... It's the beginning of analogy. I just literally thought to myself for a second that was Arch needing to actually go to the bathroom when he was wincing? No, no, no. And that's what he's saying. It's the beginning of analogy. I love analogies. I love analogies. But analogy always starts with Throw out the craziest scenario first and then do the math as you come around the corner. Like poor stars are like coaches. Less talking in public. You know, there you go. Just talk to the people you work with and keep it tight.

34:04You know, but that's the way an analogy works. So give me an analogy and I'll finish it. But when you're a coach, you shouldn't be doing analogies. You should just talk in the fact.

34:14Rich Eisen:Oh, my God. Let's start an analogy, okay? Just give me two things. Two things. What do you got? Start an analogy right here. Marriage is like, give me a word. Banana peel. A banana peel? It's so hard to get it started, but the middle is great. The end can get a little slippery. Ladies and gentlemen, Bert Kreischer. I like it. Let's keep this thing going. My boss is like a ray of sunshine. I don't know. I don't know what the hell. I would love to see Bob Iger naked. Have you ever seen that man? Have you ever seen that man? Have you ever seen that man? Yes, sure. He is gorgeous. Is that right? A hundred percent.

34:57And he is a ray of sunshine. You know, every morning that guy gets up and he gets on the machine that no one uses at the gym, the climbing machine where it's two handles and two pedals and you go like this. He does that for 30 minutes straight. That's how he wakes up. Have you ever seen it? No, no. That's what you think. I was next to him and Ron Howard at an Emmy party or something. Yes. And they were just chit-chatting. And when Bob Iger walks up, he has BDE. Like, he is the man.

35:26Rich Eisen:Oh, my gosh. He's worth so much money. Yeah. Confirmed. My boss's array of sunshine just led to that. I think that's fantastic. Yeah. Bob Iger. Now, would this segment have been just as good if you were wearing the first shirt? No. I would have been so tight. I know it's like you know Am I the type of guy that you need to dress up for no it was Leanne

35:51Rich Eisen:She's lovely and well-intentioned and and I appreciate that but I want you man I think you get to a place in this business where things get so much bigger than they need to be yes You know like I had hair and makeup I think it look I need hair and makeup because I get so red these days but hair and makeup come to my house at nine I had a stylist at my house last night And so part of me is like, this is why I just want to work with my shirt off. It's like when I go on tour, no one does any of this. You know, we're talking about what kind of pants I'm going to wear on the next special. And I already was like, I don't even want to do the next special.

36:20Like, I'm not going to avoid.

36:22Rich Eisen:It's like, God, it gets so. Just to avoid the subject. Yeah. That is unbelievable. What you need to do for all of us is to, when you get home, put on the matching shorts. Take a photograph and send it to us so we could see what this looks like in the full ensemble, please. done. I mean, we got it. By the way, if you enjoy this shirt, you can get this shirt and these pants for$15 on Amazon. Wow. By the way, what's crazy is the one thing will have nine different colors of the same patterns. I don't understand how they make a profit. I mean, I can figure it out now, but I say it out loud. I think that's what Ice is doing in our country.

37:03Rich Eisen:Wow. This Friday, the Great Outdoors Comedy Festival with Whitney Cummings and Derek Stroop in Vancouver. Yeah, Derek Stroop just had a baby. Whitney's got a baby, and my babies are in college. Fantastic. Look at you. And the Burtcast podcast, Two Bears, One Cave Pod with Siguro, the new Tom. The new Tom. The new Tom. Tom is... It's when you break him. I don't know. He's just so business. He is. He's got... Your mom's house is a huge podcasting network, and he's got movies and TV shows, but But like old school Tommy was just, there's a video of me shaving Tommy's breasts that is the hardest I've ever laughed in my entire life.

37:45We were in Hawaii at what now is the Four Seasons that wasn't then. Yes. And I said, can I just hollow out your breasts from, cause your, his armpit hair connected with his breast hair. Can't have that. And he goes, I go, look, it'll make you look more defined. Like watch. And I'm being serious right now. Okay. Yeah. Being dead serious. Yeah. If you're, take a look at how to find my chest looks. Yes, yes.

38:05Rich Eisen:I can see that. Yep, yep. Uh-huh. It's the trim. Oh, gosh. I'm looking at that. Yeah, I trim it. Since it's got nothing to do with anything else other than the fact that you have shaved a certain part of your chest to make it look that way. I'm morbidly obese, but I look like I have great breasts. So I said to Tommy, let me just trim it out. You can find this video online. Oh, I have found it. It's from 2008. Oh, my God. That's how long I've known Tommy. I just would think balcony and a hotel in Kona and I thought I was having a stroke because I laughed so hard. I shaved it and as I shaved it, it looked like his breasts were wearing sunglasses.

38:49Rich Eisen:Oh no! I couldn't stop laughing! With a razor in your hand, we couldn't stop laughing? Oh no! In my hand! And it's the hardest I've ever laughed. That one individual has made me laugh harder than any human being alive. Sweeney Bert right there. You don't want that happening to you. Hey, man. The Permission to Party World Tour kicks off on September 18th. Bert, Bert, Bert dot com for tickets and additional dates to see when Bert is coming in your area. You're one of my favorites. You're one of my favorites. When are we going to get you over to the house to do some more? Let's do it. Let's do it.

39:22Rich Eisen:You're not making more food, are you? Can I do one of those pods of yours where you're not making me eat something of yours, please? I am so blown away by guys like you who don't have adventurous palates. There's a difference between... Listen, we were in a town where you can take Newt and Turtle and Toads and throw it in something, and they call it gourmet. What you were throwing into this piece of bread, even people from New Orleans would say, what is his malfunction? That was terrible. I don't know what you were thinking. You and Adam Ray. Adam Ray tasting spice is my favorite thing I've ever seen in my life.

39:56He doesn't just taste spice and go, oh, that's hot. He goes...

40:00Rich Eisen:He started gagging. But my favorite part of that pod was Cam Hayward sharing that his dad, Ironhead, would go to the JCC to beat up on people on a basketball court. He said it so locker room casual to two Jewish men. He said it like, wait a minute. Hold on a second. It was hilarious. That is the beauty. The beauty of podcasting is that you get diverse personalities and you throw them in a room and sometimes magic happens. Sometimes it doesn't. But that's the beauty of a podcast. And that's why I do so many of them is that every now and then, like I had Lucas Nelson, Willie Nelson's son on yesterday.

40:33And he had a guitar and he was just breaking down how he writes songs and how songs are written. And those moments are the Red Clay Stray is played for, you know, half an hour in my podcast studio. Those are brilliant moments you get. And then every now and then you get a stinker. But this was not that. That was not that. I loved it. We had such, you know, I became good friends with Pac-Man Jones because of that. That's great. We did a podcast. Warren Sapp was supposed to show up. Warren Sapp was like, sorry, I'm golfing. So me and Pac-Man did a podcast with our wives. Now Leanne and Tish, Pac's wife, they text all the time.

41:07I was just with Pac just recently in Atlanta. I see them all the time. It's like, that's the beauty of podcasting.

41:14Rich Eisen:And, man, I'll come on any time. You just let me know. I'll make it happen. Burt, Burt, Burt.com for permission to party world tour. Burt Kreischer's here, everybody. Let's go back to wrap this show in a second right here on The Rich Eyes Show. Oh, my God, my sides hurt.

41:30Rich Eisen:the rich eisen show the podcast

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42:50Rich Eisen:Rich Eisen here with some advice. If high-interest credit card debt is grinding you down, it might be time to call an audible with a SoFi personal loan. It consolidates your debt into one low monthly payment with no fees required. And with as soon as the same day funding, you can make the right play fast. Call an audible on your debt today at SoFi.com slash debt play. Loans originated by SoFi Bank N.A. Member FDIC. Terms and conditions apply. NMLS 696891. Fast funds terms apply at SoFi.com slash debt play. What makes the all-new Hyundai Palisade Hybrid an incredible SUV? Is it the spacious interior?

43:28Rich Eisen:Maybe that's that comfy for the whole crew, the capability to go off-road. Maybe it's up to, this is amazing, 600-plus miles of range. What if it's all that and more? What is it then? It's the all-new Hyundai Palisade Hybrid, so much more than just another SUV. Visit HyundaiUSA.com or call 562-314-4603 for more details. That's 562-314-4603 for more details. Fun stuff with Bert Kreischer right there, man. And tomorrow, Frank Caliendo in studio. And that guy makes me laugh just as hard as anybody else. Can't wait for that. And Kurt Warner starts his weekly Wednesday appearance with us. I guess he started it last week, Thursday in Brazil.

44:05Rich Eisen:Love it. Warner Wednesdays. Yeah, Warner Wednesdays. All right, Adam Chudwin, our call screener, is back out from the back, sitting right here. You've written everything out. I want from the heart here, man. You don't need to make notes. All right, this is from the heart. What happened last night, dude? First of all, Ben Johnson, he gets an F for last night. I thought things would be different. That's why it hurt so bad last night, Rich. All the Chicago Bears fans thought it would be different. It's just one game, though. But it's indicative of a systematic problem. Twelve penalties. You have multiple false starts.

44:43Rich Eisen:That's not a disciplined, well-coached football team. You have a situation where he should have taken the points, and he goes for it on fourth down, and it fails. I guess you could have gone up 20-6 right there. Luther Burden, not involved at all. Both tight ends. Your Michigan guy, Colson Loveland, had two catches, barely involved. And then the worst part about the whole thing was that Ben Johnson does not tell Cairo Santos to kick the ball out of bounds to save the extra two-minute warning. We would have had probably 50 seconds left in the game. That's true. Instead, Cairo Santos kicks the ball.

45:23Rich Eisen:He doesn't have the leg strength to kick it out of the end zone. And it ruins the two-minute warning. We don't get it. And we run out of time. It was bad coaching. Well, speaking of running out of time, we've got a minute to go. Let me talk about Caleb real quick. Do you really think Tyson Bajan should start this? I'm not saying next week. If Caleb Williams continues to play the way he did last night, and the Bears go 0-3 or 0-4, there needs to be a change. Because he is air mailing throws. He is missing open reads. There were receivers open. And you can look. I know you're not an All-22 guy, but I can show you a clip later of the All-22 film where he is just missing open receivers.

46:02Rich Eisen:So you want to Bryce Youngham? Yeah, I think he needs to sit down. And there's a reason the Bears signed Tyson Bajant to a nice contract in the offseason. Bajant's a young player. Andy Dalton's not there. No, you could see in the preseason, though, that the operation was better with him. And some of the pre-snap stuff sometimes is on the quarterback, too. For sure. And it runs smoother. It runs smoother. But, you know, I mean, man, Bryce Young, Caleb Williams would be a panic move, man. That's not why they brought Ben Johnson here. Apparently what I've read is that Ben Johnson really does like Tyson Bajan.

46:38Rich Eisen:I mean, everybody does. Everyone loves the backup until he becomes the starter. He's the most popular guy. What bothered me about Caleb last night? I didn't see any progression from last year. He was doing the same mistakes. All us Michigan fans after that Oklahoma game were all like, that was too many shades of last year for us to really feel good. I hear what you're saying. Tyson Bajan Fan Club takes us out. Thanks for listening to the Rich Eisen Show podcast. You can watch and listen to the Rich Eisen Show live weekdays from noon to 3 Eastern on ESPN Radio, Disney Plus, and on the ESPN app.

47:11The Rich Eisen Show, the podcast.

47:20You know when you're locked in, focused, and fearless. Welcome to the WNBA. Your vision narrows. You can't look away. Every assist, every stop, every logo three. From beyond the logo. Every did you see that moment? You bet.

47:40Rich Eisen:What records are going to be broken this season? All of it right here. Lock in. It's the WNBA on ESPN. All season long.