A Very Ranganathan Christmas

18:00Mum came. She should have a bit more. Asshole.

18:05Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. Okay. Put your finger in the ass and check it. Oh, mum, please. I'm just wanting to know. But that is what it is. That is what it is. But you can do a blood test now. Yeah. But why bother? I know. When you could have fun. Who's getting tested the non-fun way? Am I right? Yeah. So this is a bonus that you can test with. What else have you been up to, my G? Tour Sport. Back out with Tom doing his work in progress stuff. That's been fun. Yeah. Any family stuff? Family stuff. Reading mum's Christmas list. Did you get it? Oh, what? Yeah, mum. Okay, let's talk about this. I thought you'd help to do it.

18:42Romesh Ranganathan:Somebody helped her do it. It's just we've got to work out. No, but somebody definitely might help her do it. So, Mum, we're coming around to yours for Christmas Day. Yeah. And you sent us a shopping list. Yeah. Of stuff that you're buying for Christmas Day. Yeah. And you asked us to amend accordingly. Yeah. So what does that mean? What does it mean? I will buy these things, certain things. So there's two lists. One list is the stuff that you're buying. Yeah. And the other list is stuff you want us to buy. Yeah. No, it's not just buying. Did you read the list? I've looked at it, yeah. So what happened?

19:13What do you mean, what happened? Who put that list together? I did.

19:18Romesh Ranganathan:I'm glad that she got that far, right? Because we now started the process, but I definitely know someone. She texted me. She sent me the list. I text her back, who helped you with this? And then she sent back, what do you think I am? A dumb grandma that can't do this stuff. Right. And I said, yeah. and then we haven't figured out who it is yet. Mum, who is that? No, I learned from somebody. And I need to do it. Okay, you learned. Do a second list. I learned a long time ago. Do a second list. Why should I have to when I've already done it? Who helped you? I can't tell you who helped me. Why the fuck you won't know?

19:56So I don't understand what the issue is with the list, though. Why do you not? What's the problem?

20:00Romesh Ranganathan:No, there's no way she did that list herself. That's what we don't believe. That's how they trust me, though. Yeah. No, it's not that how we trust you. She's a trippid woman. Sorry, we're basing it on years. I'm not fucking trippid woman. We're basing it on years of experience. That's what it is. It's only once a year the Christmas list comes. So this year I know what to do. Why do you not believe that she would have... Because we've helped mum with paperwork, text messages, all of this other stuff. Do you know what? He's being a prick deliberately, okay? And at Christmas as well. Shame on you.

20:30Romesh Ranganathan:We used to do a YouTube thing with mum, right? Do you remember? and every week, how long on average did it take us to get mum to log on to the Zoom? Rough estimate. It was a bit of time, yeah. 45 minutes, I'd say, roughly, every week. You stopped bothering to eye out on my own. She has sent a full, amendable list to a group chat. What, like a Google list or a Google doc? In your notes, she's written the notes, listed it out, and then shared that via text message. That's really clear. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so I'll ask you again, as an outsider, Do you think mum did that without assistance? Yes, Ben.

21:06There you are.

21:08Romesh Ranganathan:Own sons, they don't trust me. Okay? It's not a matter of trust. I want to know who it is that helped you out. We love you very much. I know you love me. I learned and I did it. You learned and you did it. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Definitely. You definitely did it yourself. Definitely did. Well, then I'm impressed. Okay, in that case, well done. Okay. Great. Not buying anything off the bloody list, but yeah, well done. No, I'm really impressed. I'm really impressed. And as you said, if you're lying about that, may God strike both your children down. Your mum is a liar. Let's just say if mum's lying about that and I've got no reason to disbelieve her, may Dinesh and I be taken out before the New Year.

21:49Romesh Ranganathan:Okay. Good. Good? What the fuck are you talking about? I'm just saying that's how much I believe you. If I said that, you were going to say, Mum? No, but I'm just... Don? Talk about... That's how much I believe you. Believe in me. Yeah. If you got any help with that list, then Dinesh and I will both be extinguished. That's how much I believe you. Okay. You did it on your own? Yes, I did. Okay. Can you write a list of three? I'm not doing your fucking exam here. Okay? For my sons. Can I say something in all seriousness? I think it's great that you did the list. If you've done it, amazing. No, not even if she has done it.

22:32Romesh Ranganathan:Even if you've got help to do it. There's no shame in getting help. Believe in me, okay? Okay, I believe in you. I believe in you. I like Santa. Okay, should we do one listener problem? Just a quick observation. The idea of cooking for that, for your family, seems very, very difficult, I would say. Absolutely. You've got a lot of, I think it's quite impressive that you're putting together who wants what. You've got the vegan options you've got. Yeah, yeah. I think, yeah. What are you having for Christmas dinner, Ben? Mum's arsehole. LAUGHTER Just thought a bit of gratitude. Yeah. That's all you are saying.

23:09Romesh Ranganathan:Somebody really wants to be a Raganathan son. Yeah, fucking hell. He is the Raganathan family. Brown up and come round, dickhead. I think it's really good. Thank you, thank you. Dinesh and I probably are jealous. And this is another example of you doing something nice and we're just giving you a hard time for no reason. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Yeah. I'm pissed off with you both. Cool. What do you mean good? I'm saying no That's not the way to treat your mother? Looking forward to Christmas Day I'm not sure I bring everything on the old list Okay Dinesh is the one said Mum don't buy everything on your own and we will share the things We'll help you You can't cook for all of us Sure Yeah I think it is good It's great you're doing Yeah it's really good It's really nicely done We're not 100 % sure we're going to be there for the whole day but Okay let's make things feel a bit more That's the show I'm a celebrity.

24:01I don't know how I'll be there all day. What time I wipe dog's ass?

24:05Romesh Ranganathan:What? I don't know how we got to that. What did he say? What did he say? I can't say whole day why you're going to go home and wipe dog's ass. Imagine if that was why. Sorry. I've got to wipe the dog's ass. Mum, who wipes the dog's ass? You have to. No, you don't. Mum, is this real? How do they clean? Lick it? Mum, mum. You do not wipe a dog's arse. Why is lick it? What the fuck is going on? That's something. That's the main thing. How is lick it the second option? Clean the ass. And you did the list without help. And you think people have to wipe dogs' arses. And you did that list without help.

24:48What's wrong with a dead hole and wipe it? Dead hole? Yeah.

24:53Romesh Ranganathan:So dogs bleach their arseholes now? Dead hole is the bleach, you see? Yes. disinfectant. Okay, we don't do that. Have you got a brain? Mum, you think that people wipe dogs? Mum, tell me, have you ever seen somebody wipe a dog's arse? I have. When? No, you haven't. I have in TikTok. In TikTok. TikTok, yes. I have. I have. Fine. Okay. Have you ever seen it in the street? Have you ever been in the park and you've seen somebody wiping... If they have diarrhoea... That's not what I'm asking you. Have you ever in a park... Maybe they can clean to keep it clean. Yeah, dogs do. The owners do not wipe their arse.

25:32Romesh Ranganathan:Unless they've eaten something like, once Reggie ate like a tassel on a cushion and like a dick of shit and then there's a string coming out of his arse and it's like, I had to pull it out with a glove. It's horrendous. Anyway. It says here you should actually wipe your dog's bum when it's necessary. Yeah, when it's necessary. Ben, seriously. By the way, Mum, continue. Let me just tell you something. Don't bother getting toilet tissue. We've got Ben here. I tell you. A dog might need its arse wiped, but I tell you who doesn't, Mum. We've got old Ben tonguey green over here. I've looked it up. I don't own a dog.

26:09Romesh Ranganathan:And Ramesh has two dogs, and I've never seen a dog having its arse wiped. And actually, I was laughing when Ben said it, but now I'm going to pretend I'm on her side. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. What does your jumper say again? Yeah. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Oh my God! Okay, we're going to make things feel even more Christmassy and play some games. We're kicking off with who's most likely to. Okay, someone on the team, read the prompts. We'll go one, two, three. Everybody says their answer at the same time. And then we'll unpack the chaos that follows. So who is most...

26:48So basically what's going to happen is one of the guys, Will, John or Ben, is going to

26:53Romesh Ranganathan:give us a category, who's most likely to. and then on the count of three, we shout out the name of the person of the three of us that we think we're going to say it to. Number one, who is most likely to cheat at a board game? Three, two, one. Dinesh. Why didn't you say a name? Dinesh. Why would it be me? You just got that vibe about you. What do you mean, the vibe that I want to beat you in a board game? I don't think. I don't think. It's more about why would I cheat? Pardon? No, it's not you would, it's who's most likely to. Well, that's the game. They asked a question, who's most likely to. No, it's not who would, it's who's most likely to.

27:31Romesh Ranganathan:I think of the three of us, you're the most likely to cheat. I'm not saying he is. You guys don't even understand the fucking basic fundamentals of the game. Why don't you tell the name? You were so rude. You didn't say a name. Why are you so rude? Why would you accuse me of cheating? It's not, is this person going to cheat? It's who's most likely to cheat. I might do it, I might do it, yeah. Thanks, Mum. Because if I don't know how to answer, then I might cheat. OK. OK? Fine. Yeah. All right. Right. But I think it's here. Board game, though. No, it's not him. What? It's not him. We're not... Nobody's committed a crime.

28:08Romesh Ranganathan:It's who is most likely, out of the three of us, to cheat at a board game. I said Dinesh. I'm not saying he has cheated. He's saying I cheated at a board game. No, I'm not. Shut the fuck up, Dinesh. That's what you are saying. You're accusing him. OK? He's your brother. I'm your brother. I'm your brother. Yeah, don't forget that. Shall we do the next one? Okay. Who is most likely to give the weirdest present? Three, two, one. Mum. Rom. Are you going to say a no? No, sorry, I'm going to go mum. I've got to change it. I've got to go change it. Yeah, because two of the three of us can't fucking play the game.

28:51Romesh Ranganathan:So you have three, two, one, then you say a name. Yeah. Who knows? I might cheat on this one. So who do you think gives the weirdest present? Three, two, one. Mum. Mum, are you serious? You've got to say a name for the three of us. Romesh. Okay, cool. It has to be in the same hour that the countdown happens. Okay, okay, okay. Let's do another category because we'll fuck that now. Okay, new category. Merry Christmas. Okay, who is most likely to drink the most? Three, two, one. Dinesh.

29:31Romesh Ranganathan:Why didn't you say her name again?

29:36Romesh Ranganathan:What are you doing, mom? I forgot. Forgot? She did the list, unaided. She did the list, unaided. Do you get what's happening though? Yeah. If you don't mind me saying, you're a pisshead at Christmas. That happened one time, right? One time, where I drunk that pint of bayonet. You drink quite a lot at Christmas. No, you get drunk. But I think out of the two of us, didn't you? If you're not driving, you do drink. You get drunk on Prosecco. We drink on... You're like Yoda. I'm going to be a little bit better.

30:16Romesh Ranganathan:Mmm, procedurally jinxed. Mmm, judging I am.

30:23Romesh Ranganathan:Merry Christmas! OK, shall we do another one? Who is most likely to say something controversial at Christmas lunch? Three, two, one. Mum. Mommish! Yes, you did know that!

30:42Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, mum's easily the most. Yeah, 100%. You say stuff like, I mean, look, thank God we've got an edit on this podcast. Who? What? How?

31:13Who's name did you mention? For God's sake.

31:20He will put me in the cover bed.

31:22Romesh Ranganathan:No, he thinks it's you, but you think it's wrong him. Yeah, yeah.

31:29Romesh Ranganathan:Holy shit. Okay, should we do one more? Okay, go, go, go. He's crying. He's crying. What?

31:42Yeah. Okay. Okay. All right.

31:46Romesh Ranganathan:Final one. Okay. Who is the most likely to leave earliest on Christmas Day? Romesh. Romesh. Three, two, one. Romesh. We've done a countdown. We've done a countdown. We've stopped paying bets on him. Surprised he's still here. I'm not the most likely to leave early, am I? You do. Yeah, I think so, yeah. He does, isn't he? Yeah Yeah You do Oh dogs are alone We better go We better go wipe dead asses There you are Yeah okay You don't realise You are doing it Sure He does I think he does Yeah he does I think yeah So I'm doing it Yeah Okay This has been fun hasn't it Yeah Yeah That's it for this Thursday Thanks for listening We'll be back on Monday With another great guest Din Do you want to do a little Would you like to do It's your first time on the podcast Yeah sure I'd love you to do A little Christmas message For the viewers and listeners What do you want me to say I don't know.

32:38Romesh Ranganathan:Just, you know. Something heartfelt. Something like a - Did that like speech about whales? First of all, he doesn't know that. No. Just go for like a general kind of Christmas-y, upbeat. What just everyone, like everyone have a happy Christmas at home, enjoy the holidays. Yeah, can you do it with less energy? I can, I can actually. Go on, go on. Give a bit of a whip up. Merry Christmas to everyone at home. I hope you have a great holiday.

33:07Romesh Ranganathan:what I do this week in week out I'm a guest right you speak out loud Merry Christmas to everyone at home I hope you enjoy the holiday see you later I'll be Dinesh Nathan thank you okay mum do you want to do something hi enjoy your Christmas you have seen how much I enjoyed with my voice so you all have a good Christmas love you all Okay thank you so much for joining us on this special Christmas episode Of the Romesh Re...

33:51Okay sorry

33:54Romesh Ranganathan:That's it for this episode Thanks for listening we'll be back on Monday with another great guest or whoever was available from all of us here at the Romesh Ranganathan Show Towers Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year please keep listening and subscribing bye

34:16Romesh Ranganathan:if you've enjoyed this episode of the Romesh Ranganathan Show make sure you follow wherever you get your podcasts Apple, Spotify, YouTube, all the big ones and you can enjoy more great content like this and in fact I'd go further to say Even if you didn't enjoy this episode, just follow anyway for shits and giggles. And on the Thursday episode, we're going to be taking questions from viewers and listeners. Oh. So that's exciting, isn't it? It's interesting. Yeah. And if you've got an interesting story or a question for my mum and I, or even like a family dilemma you'd like us to help you with, please do get in touch via our email address, podcast at rangaby.com, or you can voice note or text on this number.

34:55Romesh Ranganathan:07731 623355. I'm Ramesh Ranganathan, and this has been the Romesh Ranganathan Show. What a narcissist. See you next time. Oh, shut up, Romesh. Spring just slid into your DMs. Grab that boho look for that rooftop dinner, those sandals that can keep up with you, and hang some string lights to give your patio a glow up. Spring's calling. Ross, work your magic. You can't reason with the sun. Trust us, we've tried. This summer, it's time to put that angry ball of fire on mute. Columbia's OmniShade technology is engineered to protect you from the sun's harsh rays that can burn and damage your skin.

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