Diane Morgan On Comedy, Cunk And Becoming A Robot In Ann Droid

17:13Romesh Ranganathan:Is that right? Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, I can see what's happened. You don't have to do them simultaneously, though. You could... What do you mean? You don't have to do them simultaneously. It's not like... No, you could... I would say it's a bit weird to decant the chocolates into the floating tray if you're not getting in the bath, though. If you just decide... Oh, Diane's got her... She's got her chocolate surfing tray out.

17:43What's this bit for? What does that... Why is it on lock?

17:49Romesh Ranganathan:that I don't know actually what a load of shit we fucked up do you like the vegan chocolates at least yes I do thank you very much how long have you been plant based a couple of years how are you finding it great not a problem because cheese was the thing for me cheese is the thing yeah but then then I decided to go cold turkey because I couldn't find a decent well that's not vegan I couldn't find a decent vegan cheese they were all like Pritt stick sure have you been to Gautier Soho Gautier yes I have so do you follow them on Instagram I went there right it's the one where they have like 16 courses isn't it and it's really awkward a waiter comes up to the table it's silent in there it's like three tables isn't there and a waiter silently comes over and says So these potatoes were found in a jar in the back of a cupboard and we've put them in a white wine jus.

18:53And you go, trying to look interested. But just please go away.

18:59Romesh Ranganathan:I got the food one and I got the accompanying drinks one as well. I did, yeah. So you get double description then, don't you? Yeah, you did, yeah. And then they would go like, they'd press some apples. And did you find that it was like three quarters of an hour between courses? I was there, it was like midnight. I was there nine days.

19:19Romesh Ranganathan:I had to phone my mum and say, you're going to have to look after the kids for the week. One of the drinks had condensation around the glass. I think, I get the... I liked it. I liked it. I liked it. It was delicious. Don't get me wrong, it was delicious. Yeah, it was great, but... There are improvements to be made. Well, I just think there's no... When he described the drinks, there's no way this liquid can taste like how you've described. Do you know what I mean? It's like, here we go, we took the most enthusiastic kiwis and we convinced them to consent to have their juice poured into this glass.

19:56Did you find it really difficult to not laugh?

19:58Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. I did. I went with Lisa, my wife. I had really big this place up. And I was right to because it was really nice. Yeah. But then sitting opposite your other half while that description is happening was difficult. They know what you're thinking. Yeah, they do. But if you follow him on Instagram, he shows you how to make cashew cheese. So you just blend up cashews. Is that right? I would say that's 90 % of it, yeah. What else is involved? Water? Yes, water, yeah. A bit of salt? I mean, I would say don't bother with the follow, actually. But you seem to... I reckon you're across it. Oh, look, there's me.

20:41Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, he does explain it, and then you've got to get a little cheesecloth or whatever. Sturn it through the cheesecloth. You're not going to do that. You'll do it once, maybe twice. I mean, what I would say, you know, nobody's thinking, you know what I fancy? Some cheese tomorrow. Yeah. That's my issue with it. Do you know what I mean? Oh, let me go to the shops now and get some cashews. Yeah. And now I'm going to fucking soak them for 24 hours. Yeah. So that I can have something that my friends will take the piss out of me about tomorrow. Forget it. It's not going to happen. Now, listen, you are genuinely, and I'm saying this because I mean it, one of the funniest people I know.

21:13Oh, come on now.

21:14Romesh Ranganathan:You're proper, proper. And when I say, you know, I think when you work in comedy, there are people that have learned how to do it. And they're really, really good. And there are people just got funny bones. You're funny boned, aren't you? Have you always been comedy obsessed? Yes, always, always been comedy obsessed. From what age? From a little kid? Infant, I'd say. When they used to watch, like, they used to show Lola and Hardy on the TV of an afternoon. And me and my brother would watch. I was very small. I thought it was the best thing I'd ever seen. I just loved it. It just made me really happy.

21:53And I loved these people. I loved Stan Laurel.

21:57Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. I loved him. I thought, I really love this bloke. Do you know what I mean? The way you go with an actor that you like, a straight actor. There's something about comics that if they make you laugh, there's nothing like it. I watch Laurel and Hardy. I reckon it stands up. Oh, absolutely. I think it's just really funny. It's really funny. Two adult men. And their double act energy is like lab design. I mean, there's so many, basically everything. It's a template for every double act. It's almost constant. Yeah. And other things, you know, like Hancock's Half Hour, which they were repeating when I was younger, but it's probably a bit before your time.

22:43Have you seen any of that?

22:45Romesh Ranganathan:No, I've not watched that. Oh, my God. My dad introduced me to Tony Hancock and it was like the first grown-up I'd seen acting like a child and really miserable about life. And I thought it was the funniest thing. And you quickly come to realise, don't you, that it's much more funny to see someone miserable. Yeah. Well, I remember watching, I used to find really funny cartoons I used to lose my shit at. Yeah. And I remember there was like this one cartoon, I can't remember what it was and I couldn't go back to it even if I wanted to. But it's just like a group of crows and something blows up and then there's a big cloud.

23:26Romesh Ranganathan:And as the cloud clears, one of the crows is just sat there like that, doing that, just utterly pissed off at what's happened. And I laugh so much. I mean, I just realised that is the reaction and energy that I find really funny. Yeah, me too. And I was just like, that is, it just hit me in a way that, You know, I love all types of comedy, but that in particular, that kind of... Especially like someone falling over. Oh, that's great. Somebody falling over and being really sad about it. Making a sort of inadvertent noise as well. Isn't it? Yeah. I remember like doing, I remember like hosting, I was comparing some gig at Just The Tonic in Leicester, venue and the gig completely irrelevant to this story.

24:11Romesh Ranganathan:But before I started the gig, as I was getting everybody sat down and getting, you know, gone on stage, getting everybody sat down, A woman fell over as she was making her way to the sea and everybody pissed themselves laughing. And I just said, boy, there's no point doing the rest of this show. Like nothing that happens now. Yeah, you can't beat that. You just can't. It's over. Game over. Because it's impromptu. Here's your headliner. Yeah, it's great. Yeah. So did you start doing comedy when you were a kid then, like a little kid? Or were you being funny to your mates? I think it was probably when I started doing drama classes.

24:43Right. And then you realise you can do stuff that makes people laugh.

24:47Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. Like when did you start, when did you find the deadpan bit? I don't know. I think it creeps up on you. You gradually realise, maybe doing stand-up, you very quickly learn what's funny about you. You have to learn. Because at first you sort of do an impression of people you like. Yeah. And then if you look it, you'll learn that, oh, right, people think that's funny about me. Yeah. I'll ramp that up a bit. So it was just, I think, just looking miserable and sounding very flat. That helps. That has worked in your favour. Yeah, I think so. But you tried doing other stuff, did you? Other styles, I guess.

25:27No, I mean, I still like doing, like Mandy. Yeah. Because I love sort of big, physical, stupid, pointless stuff. And I like very subtle, deadpan, realistic. I just like all kinds of comedy, I think.

25:43Romesh Ranganathan:And when you were doing it at school, did you think, I want to do this for a job? Or were you just... No, I didn't. I don't think it was ever... You know, you'd have work experience and what do you call it? Careers advisors. What were you going to do? I told a career advisor that I wanted to be an actress and she just laughed in my face like I told her I wanted to be a mermaid.

26:11Romesh Ranganathan:Was there any feedback off the back of that? What do you mean? Did she give any constructive advice? No, no. She mentioned a few places like, oh, no, no, you can't do that. There's a factory. Maybe go to the factory like everyone else. Are you being serious? Yeah. yeah and then what was your response how come you didn't go to the factory then no i did go to the factory i worked in a worming tablet factory brilliant yeah packing worming tablets for dogs and uh oh my god were you good at it i was so bored and there are people that worked there for 30 years you weren't allowed to sit down you weren't allowed to talk because they said it slowed you down it was awful and that made me think i've really got to pull my socks up here if I don't want to get trapped in this.

26:59So that helped in a way.

27:01Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. It's inspirational in a different way. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's the kind of work experience that all kids should do. You know, don't go somewhere that you think you'll enjoy. Go somewhere terrible. Yeah. Where you could end up. Yeah. But then I always felt really sorry on X Factor when, like, they would take the person, you know like somebody that got through to the finals and you know they do a little VT and they would take them back to their old workplace and then they would just look around going imagine if I was still I could have still been here you know like this could have been my and people are working there and it's like gesturing to like this is Dan I could still be working I could still be working with him I don't want to kill myself but thankfully X Factor's come along so I don't have to be here doing what you're doing and probably will be for the rest of your life.

27:56And then they wouldn't get through. No, and then they're back there.

27:59Romesh Ranganathan:And then Dan would be like, welcome back. Yeah, oh, you're back. This episode is brought to you by Facebook. So you were scrolling on Marketplace and there it was, the bike you'd been searching for. You sent a message and it turned out the seller was super chatty, kind of funny, and an avid cyclist. The next thing you know, you're in a cycling crew. well, a community cycling group. The thing about Facebook, you might find more than what you're looking for. From a browse to a bike ride, this summer, find more on Facebook. Hey Chicago, class it up with Crocs. You know back to school is coming in fast.

28:39Romesh Ranganathan:So why wait to find your new fave footwear? Step into a local Crocs store and step into your new look. Try it, style it, make it yours. because the right pair doesn't just show up, it shows off. First day fits, handled. Walk out ready for whatever's next. Visit your nearest Croc store today. The perfect lunch combo. That first bite of your favorite sub followed by ice cold Pepsi. Add a couple of friends and now that's next level. Suddenly, the laughs get louder, the stories keep flowing, and the food tastes better because Pepsi brings out more flavor. more fun and more of the moment. Food deserves Pepsi.

29:24Romesh Ranganathan:Grab a Pepsi Zero Sugar today. And then, did you start doing stage stuff first, right? Yeah, first I went to drama school. What's that like? What's drama school like? Sorry, that's... Lots of people massaging you. Trying to massage you. You know. But because I'm from Bolton, it was just like, oh, get off. Yeah. You know. No. Are they trying to get you to get into your body? They're all very comfortable with themselves and experimental. Did you have to do movement sessions? Yeah, all that. Movement, larven. What? Larven. What's that? The type of movement. Oh, is that what it is? And all this sort of technique.

30:09I'm sure they've all come in useful, actually. but I think actually stand-up was probably more useful than anything else.

30:21Romesh Ranganathan:I find, did you stand-up at drama school? No, no, I did drama school first and then I didn't get any work as an actor. I was working in tele-sales and my boss kept saying, oh, you should do stand-up. Because you were just generally funny? Because I would just say things on the phone. and and so 30 was looming and I thought maybe I should give it a go yeah uh so I did you know um the sorry to talk the movements the movement sessions is something I've only recently become aware of I did my first one for the first time last year as part of like this play thing it was I found it horrifying yeah a lot of it's horrifying I remember once you had to sit around in a circle and the teacher would hand us a shoe.

31:10He took his shoe off and he handed it to the person next to him. He said, right, I want you to take the shoe and tell everyone how you feel and then pass the shoe on. I dreaded it, the shoe coming round. I took the shoe and I feel like...

31:27Romesh Ranganathan:Did you say that? Yeah, and he said, get out, get out and don't come back.

31:34but everyone else was so happy to take the shoe yeah i thought why can't i just take the shoe and

31:39Romesh Ranganathan:go i feel yeah that's legitimate yeah i just couldn't though i couldn't yeah i had to do a thing where like we're walking around and they said imagine you're walking around but you can only move really only the movements happening below your knees and below and then it's like imagine your knees are enemies so so they're not going to be anywhere near each other and then as went on they went now imagine that your knees have become friends with each other so your knees want to chat to each other it's total madness isn't it i mean what good is that going to do i don't know but apparently i asked i actually asked that not yeah in as blunt way as that but i just sort of said what is this um you know i'm playing a doctor what's the point of this what what am i what is the point of this and they said it's to try and get you comfortable in your body so that you can i think one of the biggest enemies of acting is embarrassment right so it's almost like they're trying to anesthetize you of that.

32:30Especially if you want to do comedy. And I made the mistake of telling them that I only want to do comedy. I don't want to do Shakespeare. So just so you know, that was like my first week at drama school.

32:42Romesh Ranganathan:What did they say to that? They didn't say anything. They cast me as Lady Macbeth. And then all the other girls hated me. But I genuinely wanted to play like the comedy maid character. character and they all wanted Lady Mabeth so they were online and do you still feel like you only want to do comedy yeah I mean I do you know if there was like a drama part that came up that was great that I read and I thought I really like this but I just haven't found one yet would you? Would you ever do a drama? I'd love to but I don't do you think people would be disappointed though they'd watch it and go oh why's he not being funny do you know what i mean it'd have to be something really good yes it would have to be something really good but then i obviously i've like got like really bad uh imposter syndrome so then if it was really good i think i probably shouldn't be in this i'm ruining it for people do you know what i mean so it's actually it has to be the sweet spot yeah of it being good but not so good that i think it's too good for me to be in yeah sometimes directors do that thing where they just pop a pop a stand-up in don't they to make it interesting just a sort of stunt cast yeah yeah and then people go he's wooden in the telegraph i imagine um but yeah i would i think i would i think i would i think you could like i mean you definitely would be you'd be great like if you can do i was about to say if you can do comedy you can definitely do drama but comedy is difficult i think that's true yeah okay i think comedy is much harder yeah comedy is much harder um credit it deserves it's just treated as sort of like like disposable shit yeah isn't it it's a fucking joke how we're treated by this industry it is yeah anyway um kunk hello absolute masterpiece incredible thanks you know that though right It's very popular.

34:39Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. How did it come about and when did you realise that this was going to be enormous, I guess, is the question. I always used to read Charlie Brooker's column in the paper every Saturday. It was really funny. He'd do really funny reviews of shows where he'd describe people and they were really scathing and really funny. And then they started printing his picture along with the column. Yeah. And I saw him up in Edinburgh one year. I thought, oh, my God, that's that guy who writes the really funny columns. And I went up to him and was like, oh, you're the guy that writes the columns. They're brilliant.

35:17I just wanted to say you're really funny. Why do you think they're funny?

35:22Romesh Ranganathan:Was that the tone? Yeah, really nasty. And I think he thought that's what people wanted. Right, right. Oh, I see. But I was like, oh, I really wanted him to like me. So that was the first time I actually met him. But then this audition came up for a sort of female Barry Shippies. And my agent was like, do you know what this is? I was like, yes, yes. I'd love to do that because his writing is incredible, really funny. And I think it really lends itself to a really flat Northern accent. Yeah. And when you were doing it, did you think we're onto something special as you were doing it? No. No. No, they all said, before it goes out, they were like, look, you know, people love Charlie and they sort of only want Charlie.

36:13And whenever we make changes on the show, we get a lot of shit on social media saying, why have you changed it? Who's this character? I don't like him. So they were like, so you might get a little bit of abuse online.

36:28Romesh Ranganathan:Right. So I was sort of bracing myself for like, oh, here we go. and it was just nothing but lovely praise. So I really thought, oh, thank God I've got away with it. Yeah. And so it was just a relief that I got away with it. Yeah. People often say like when you're, if you're doing, like in your career, is it like when this went well, did you feel really happy? But I do think it's just a series of reliefs, isn't it? Yes, it is. It's just relief. I can't sort of allow myself to enjoy it. No. I don't. Have you ever enjoyed anything that you've done? Yeah, for brief moments, you think, oh, that went well.

37:09Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. And then you go back to worrying about it again. Yeah. It's actually a really horrible existence, isn't it? You're going to do Con Con Cinema? Yeah. Have you done it? Yeah, it's all done. Did you go to Hollywood? Yes, I did. How was that? A bit grubby. Yeah. It's not like it used to be. It's not like, you know, Dean Martin in a tuxedo. You know, it's all a bit, you know, tired. Yeah, it is a bit tired. I mean, there's still bits that are like razzmatazz and lovely and exciting. But, yeah, I feel like I've been down on Hollywood now. You can say some positive things if you want to set the record straight now.

37:53Romesh Ranganathan:Weather was lovely. What do you like about it? Yeah, nice weather. Yeah, it was really nice. Everyone was very kind. Did you go to Cafe Gratitude? No, I didn't. What's that? Cafe Gratitude is completely plant-based, isn't it? Oh, maybe I did. I went to one vegan restaurant. It was incredible. I got so obsessed with it. I thought, why can't we have this in London? Yeah. And I was going to start a campaign to get it in London. Do you remember what it was called? I forget what it was called. Because there was... Pardon? Crossroads. That's it! Crossroads. Crossroads is the posh one, right? I think it was Crossroads.

38:26Romesh Ranganathan:I had a plant-based seafood platter. How was that? Oh. Well, no, it was nice, but I just, I don't know how I feel about the simulating, like, I don't mind meat substitutes and stuff like that. But when they try and make it look like a piece of meat. Like they had oysters. Did they put an eye on the fish? No, but it was fish shaped. Yeah. And then they like. There's no need, is there? No, and then they had like little sort of seashells. Yeah. But they were made out of like bark. and then they put the little bit of food in it. I think they just forget trying to make it look like... I agree. I think maybe they're trying to entice the meat eaters in, aren't they?

39:10Look, it looks like a fish. Yeah, yeah.

39:13Romesh Ranganathan:But they don't describe the meals, which is nice. No, that's true. That's good. Cafe Gratitude is really nice food, but the dishes are called stuff like harmony and empathy and joy. Oh, no. peace so you've got to go can i have peace please i wish you had to do that what you have to do yeah is you have to say oh no if you wanted to order peace yeah they go what would you like today and you go i am peace forget it i can't do that you oh no so i went with somebody on the crew we're filming out there i went with a member of the crew and he goes she goes what can i get you guys i'm not doing all that fucking i am stuff i just want that well quite right it's too much and then we went to do we went to ben and i we went to doomies didn't we do me's is somebody decided in la that they wanted to do like a junk food a vegan because vegan junk food is actually you know like really junky junk food it's quite hard to come by right yeah yeah so this place does like chicken wings bacon double cheeseburger all of that stuff ultra processed the the chick they do chicken wings but they it's like a little um bamboo stick to be like the the wingy bit to be the bone yeah it was so bizarre wasn't it there's no need is that is that picture of it yeah i love that you've got a picture up yeah i will yeah that's what it i mean i don't it was I don't think it tasted bad, but it's just...

40:55Have you tried Birdseye vegan fish fingers?

40:59Romesh Ranganathan:No. They're incredible. Are they? Yeah. I didn't think that vegan fish could work. No, me either. I thought that would be terrible. Yeah. But in fact, he's nailed it, Captain Birdseye. Well done, Captain. Yeah. Does it taste the fish? Do they make it taste fish-like? Yes. Why are you doing this? Sorry, hold on. I mean, I sort of missed a fish finger sandwich. Oh, yeah. But this is amazing. Have you tried the plant-based like prawns? No, I haven't. Disgusting. I didn't like prawns anyway. I don't think we should be eating prawns. You've been plant-based for how long? Two years. Two years, and for ethical reasons?

41:43I love animals.

41:44Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. I'm glad it doesn't hurt the environment too, but it's mainly about the animals. Mainly about the animals, yeah, same. Yeah. That's so cute. But I sort of feel like when you start off being plant-based, you kind of really lean on those. I'll tell you what I feel really grateful for, but I also think there's a bit of hypocrisy. It's like McDonald's doing a plant burger, Nando's doing an imitator wrap, KFC doing a vegan burger, right? Even though there's a bit of hypocrisy of going to a place like Nando's. Well, where they're still treating animals. Well, they've got chicken in the logo, right?

42:18Romesh Ranganathan:Like it feels a bit mad for it. But if you're out with your friends and your friends go, should we pop in here? At least you can eat. You can eat something. It isn't just fries or I'll just have a drink, thank you. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So actually that's the reason I think those things are good. Yeah. It's good that they exist. Tofu hot dogs. Not had those. Oh. Really? Yeah. They're just the same. Except there's not bits of arsehole. Yeah. It's nice, isn't it, knowing that you're not eating arseholes. Do you know what? You can just have anything, isn't it? you know there's not going to be any eyeballs.

42:52Romesh Ranganathan:Every day, one of the things I feel like I take for granted is there is zero chance of me eating an arsehole. That's, honestly. That is like a really great position to be in. If you go to a vegan place, all this stuff, no eyeballs, no arseholes, no weird bits. No. No gelatinous bits. You don't know what it is. Yeah. Well, because if you're eating a plant-based thing and something's unidentifiable, you know, there's some sort of different texture. At least you know it's fit. You know it's not going to be anything sinister. Yeah, whereas if you do it, you know, it could be knee cartilage or something.

43:24Romesh Ranganathan:I don't know. We've now got a question from my mum for you. Oh, great. I don't know what it is. Hello, Diane. This is Ramesh's mum, Shanti. My dear, I heard some people call you TikTok lady. I don't know very much about it, but I do like TikTok shop. Only problem I'm having, if you don't like the stuff, there's no return address. Would you ever set up your own TikTok shop? What would you sell? Maybe we could do it together. What the fuck is going on? You are the expert. Have a great day. Lots of love. Oh, love that. So hold on a sec. so does mum think that Diane is running a TikTok shop I think so you're the TikTok lady you're like quite big on TikTok I think other people upload me yeah you're getting clipped I'm getting clipped up to none of your benefit actually except for just no exactly I'm not seeing any of that cash what would I sell on a TikTok shop do you know TikTok you know when the like people that are big on tiktok or even people that aren't very big on tiktok they start doing this thing where they go uh right thanks a lot um i'll tell you what whenever i'm thirsty i like using these uh look i just want to talk to you about now obviously you know me i wouldn't normally uh i wouldn't normally push stuff like this but genuinely can you hear that that is like absolutely banging deal and if you go to the shops that's probably about three, four quid.

45:09Romesh Ranganathan:You can get nine of these for 75 pence. And then there's a little link. Seamless. Yeah, they do loads of that. Yeah. I've got to do that. So that's what my mum, and my mum has almost exclusively purchased this from these people now. I know a lot of people that buy from the TikTok shops. Like what sort of stuff? Cleaning products. Yeah. Do you know what's really big? Cleaning cloths. What's really big on the TikTok shop right now? Ear and nose trimmer. Is there? Yeah, a lot of people are selling those. the other thing that's big is that's just got to be your algorithm it's not just big in general giving away your algorithm here be careful what you say next has anyone else got that?

45:49Romesh Ranganathan:me and John both looked at each other like that's just got to be your algorithm no hold on a sec I get fragrances mostly yeah and porn but what I'm saying is I've known more than one person that has bought the trimmer as a result of TikTok that have a beard well it's for ear and nose yeah but are they hairy people I don't I don't know no not after using the trimmer which is only£7.99 I take so so ear and nose trimmer's quite big what else I'm nervous about saying anything else now because it's just my algorithm what else have I seen lots of supplements I'll tell you what oh yeah supplements supplements skincare that's quite big cleaning products are massive yeah protein bars Do you get a lot of them?

46:38I don't get them. Do you not get them? I don't get them.

46:40Romesh Ranganathan:What do you mean, boxes? Like plastic boxes to put in the garden. I get that all the time. Plastic boxes to put in the garden. What do you mean, plastic boxes to put in the garden? Like storage boxes. To put in the garden? Yeah, plastic storage boxes. To put in the garden? To put in storage boxes. What are you talking about? I think it might be algorithm based rather than what's big on TikTok. I think that's what that's proving, isn't it? No, but sorry, forget the algorithm stuff. What is a plastic box of store in the garden? Is it for gardening tools? Could be. Put what you like in. Any five quid as well.

47:10Romesh Ranganathan:Okay. What would you sell, Dan, on TikTok? I'd sell dog products. I've got a 14-year-old poodle. And a lot of the time I'll buy something for him and I'll think, this is really badly made. Like, old dogs hate you pushing things over their heads. They hate it. And yet everything you buy, you have to push it over their head. If I made something, it'd be... I always do that with dog products to the point where now I really want to start this dog company called Molly Cuddled. Good. And it's just dog products. Like clothing? Not clothing, like harnesses, leads, beds. Yeah. But really practical ones that, because most of the stuff is made by people that don't have a dog.

47:55They're just trying to make money.

47:56Romesh Ranganathan:We have, we've got two golden doodles at our house. And we've got a little bed for them that is in the living room. And when you say bed, bed, bed, they go onto the bed. Oh, lovely. And they just sit there and wait until you say... Bed, bed, bed. Bed, bed, bed. You go bed, bed, bed, and they top onto the bed and they look at you. And then... I love that. I love that. And then, so when somebody knocks on the door, we go bed, bed, bed, and they sit there and wait. And then people come in and we wait for them to all be chilled. And then we go, finish. and then they come off and they come and say hello, right?

48:27So lovely.

48:28Romesh Ranganathan:It's really lovely. Except for the fact that a couple of months ago, they jumped on the bed and the bed collapsed. It was only like very close to the floor, so they didn't hurt themselves, but it was a bit of a shock to both of them. Yeah, but... Anyway, I bought... So now that when you say bed, bed, bed, they're going to associate it with falling to the ground. So we've got two, Reggie and Ivy. Ivy now, when I say bed, bed, bed, every time she goes up, she tests it with her paw. Oh, my God. That's so sweet. It's really... I actually feel really sad. Yeah. She's lost trust. She really has lost trust.

49:03Romesh Ranganathan:Can I ask you a question? Yes. I bought... Come on. I bought, like, a raincoat with a pattern on it. Yeah.

49:17And I bought them... Matching.

49:20Romesh Ranganathan:Yes. Oh, my God. I love this. Have you got a photo? No. Oh, no! I got so excited. What's the pattern? It's camouflage. It's sort of a brown camo. Yeah, nice. Would you describe that as a red flag? Like if you saw somebody walking their dog. You're asking the wrong person because I would. But I'm not with my dog because he hates being dressed up. He won't wear a coat. What would you guys? I think if you were single and doing that, you'd be staying single. No, you'd be covered in women. Are you joking? Are you joking? I'd be fighting them off. I'd be fighting them off if they could find me in the camo.

50:09Honestly, though, wouldn't it? If you bought a coat with women, it'd be like...

50:15Romesh Ranganathan:I think people like the idea of that for the photo. Yeah. I think the reality is, it's like, are you going to, everywhere you go, are you going to match your dogs? Not every day, just special occasions. Yeah, just like on my birthday or their birthdays. Or a getting together anniversary. Yeah.

50:38Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, I mean, Lisa gets, she gets quite big on their birthdays. Fine, you know, anyway. Welcome to Dogs and Veganism with Romesh Ranganathan.

50:49Romesh Ranganathan:let's talk about android round of applause on iPlayer right now absolutely smashed it four million viewers in the first seven days apparently that's a lot it's loads congratulations um I think you have I don't want to overstate this but equally I don't want to understate this I think you've got people excited about sitcom yeah about ai and the future it represents and i look forward to the day when this interview is just me at home giving three or four prompts and then i sit back and watch it unfold uh no i think it's really exciting for for sitcom because i think like we're in a i think we're in a time when that sitcom has been struggling and new comedy has been struggling it It feels like people in comedy were starting to get nervous.

51:47Romesh Ranganathan:And they still are nervous, don't get me wrong. But to see something like that... Why are they getting nervous? Why are they getting nervous? Yeah. Because I feel like people think that there might end up being less of it on TV because, you know, it's more difficult to get something on screen, I think. Because there's no money. Because there's no money. And then, so then what will happen is, if it's more difficult to get something on screen, and less people try and make it because it's too much. I've lost the point that I'm going to make it. Exactly. And so then we just get a contraction in great comedy.

52:20Romesh Ranganathan:So this feels like it's timely both for comedy and timely both because we all know that AI is going to eventually take all of our jobs. Yeah. It still felt like a risk, though. Yeah. It's a risk to do something sort of, I was about to say high concept. The premise is high concept. It is mad. we thought is it going to work because it's so because there's obviously a grieving woman at the centre of it and she's got this robot it sounds mad and it's a big risk you think will it work or will it just be people go what the hell is that it could very easily have gone that way Were you shitting it when it came out?

53:02Romesh Ranganathan:A little bit yeah yeah but then we had a couple of screenings where it went well and then I got hopeful and I thought, oh, don't get hopeful. Yeah, it's such a mistake to feel hope. Yeah, yeah, it's not going to go well. Just get used to that now. You can just stay indoors when it goes out and let it die down for a few months. So when you obviously play a humanoid robot, yeah yeah what's the um what was the thought process been behind how you were going to put how robot i'm really fascinated by how robots are you going to make for a year worrying about how i was going to play a robot because i thought i'm not going to be able to do this yeah i don't know where to start and it didn't seem funny because you can't do facial expressions no so you think where are you going to react how are you going to react how are you going to be funny as a robot so I tried several voices and you know a lot of them we tried a sort of Alexa voice and a Siri voice they're just not funny so I tried some voices and then we got this movement guy in Dan who did humans and he gave me some confidence because I had no confidence that I could play a robot and so he gave me the confidence and then I sort of rejigged it a little bit so it seemed a bit funny and it allowed a bit more comedy.

54:33Romesh Ranganathan:But you're not trying out in front of an audience. How do you know? No, it's just guesswork. Right. So genuinely, you are not... You didn't know how it was going to go over until it came out? No. Because up until that point, you're not stage testing this stuff, are you? No. I mean, that is... I mean, I don't think people... I had one person say, I won't say who it was, but they said the voice is a bit over the top isn't it and I was like oh no oh no and this was really close to filming right what am I going to do I don't know how else to play it I thought well I look I've I'm just going to do it yeah I because I think it might work well I think the way you play is incredible I think the voice is great I mean obviously I'm saying this in hindsight you smashed it over the first seven it's a success so really well done well done for getting on that train you really are a tastemaker but but i do think the way you play it's amazing there's lots of little things i think you've got to find those bits where you can mine some comedy yeah and it's like you know the the you know there's there's things that are that are obvious on first watch like you're going from straight face to the smile when something goes well it's like really funny but i also think where you choose to direct your your face yeah exactly i know what you mean really funny it's like it's really funny do you know what i mean yeah it's you've sort of got to look through people it's sort of like playing blind you can't be you can't focus on anything this conversation is playing in front of you and you're like that it's so funny is it supposed was it born of a decision to like make a statement about AR is that what the no I read this article about how in Japan they're going to start rolling out robots for the elderly and so I started talking about it to my friend Pippa who's the producer on the show and she's like, this is really funny.

56:47We should try and write this, you know, do a treatment. I was like, yeah, all right. You can go anywhere.

56:54Romesh Ranganathan:And sorry to interrupt, but like, was that like as part of like an ongoing thing where you were trying to get a scripted thing away? No, no, we were literally just inspiration. Weirdly, I just read this thing and we were joking because I don't have kids, so I'll have a robot. Yeah, yeah. And we were joking about that and what it would look like and what would happen. We're just literally trying to make each other laugh. Yeah. Yeah. And so you made this thing. And then how difficult is it to get away? Because it's really high constant. It could have died on its arse. I think they went for it because it's topical.

57:30Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. You know, they love something topical. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I never wanted to do anything topical. The question you've got to ask when you're putting a show together is, why now? Yeah. Exactly. I don't think anything should have any meaning ever don't try and tie it in with an anniversary no one cares do they? is it funny? yeah it is really funny should be the bottom line what's really hard in sitcom is to walk that line because people want stuff to be funny but they also want it to have a bit of heart and that line is very difficult to walk it's a really moving show So, was that all?

58:15Most of that is down to Sue Johnston. Her portrayal of it. Oh, oh my God. Sometimes I was sat next to her, the robot, holding back tears because her performance was so moving.

58:27Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. She's so genuine. You can really feel it. Yeah, it's an incredible performance. It's just so funny. You're both so brilliant in your roles, but they couldn't be further apart what you've got to bring to it. Yeah. Yeah, it shouldn't work. Yeah, it shouldn't. It shouldn't, actually. The whole thing, the premise shouldn't work. The performances together shouldn't work. It's just an incredible fluke. Yeah, well done. Thanks. Yeah. You fucking got so lucky. You're so undeserving. Oh, it could have gone really badly. Yeah. But it went great, which is, congrats. And everyone's really happy, which is good.

59:09Romesh Ranganathan:And normally I hate shit like that. When people do well, it fucks me off. But well done, it's really good. You deserve it. Could you tell us a little about the contact situation? We were talking about it. The contact lenses? The contact lenses, yeah. So I was desperate to appear robot-like. I thought, I know, I'll wear blue contact lenses, like bright blue contact lenses. That'll help. But you wear them throughout the night. Have you heard about these? No. They're hard lenses. You wear them overnight. You take them out in the morning. Yeah. What are you talking about? It reshapes the front of your eyeball overnight.

59:52Romesh Ranganathan:Oh, I see. Right, okay. I was going to say, if their prescription feels mad to only have your eyesight corrected when you're asleep. Yeah. You take them out. Okay, time to do some reading. Let me get these out. So you take them out, then you've got perfect, I mean perfect eyesight the whole day. Yeah. So I was doing that. So I was wearing these during the night. And then in the morning from like five o 'clock, I'd be in the makeup chair with the blue contact lenses in. So you're 24-7, you're contacting. I've got my eyeball is coated in some sort of lens. Yeah, it's not naked. It's not breathing romesh.

1:00:30Romesh Ranganathan:No, at all. And then one day I thought, my eyes are really sort of itchy and stabby. and someone said oh you should probably get that checked out that'll be fine I'm sure it'll be fine but I needed to get some new contact lenses so I thought oh well I'll ask him about it when I go in I was like oh no my eye's painful and they're like all right we'll give it a quick look oh you need to go to A &E immediately you've got an ulcer and it can go really badly with an ulcer I didn't even know you could get an ulcer no I didn't I didn't So is it in the eyeball? Yeah, it's basically your eye starts rotting away, doesn't it?

1:01:14It can pop.

1:01:16Romesh Ranganathan:It can pop? I think your eyeball can pop. My dog got it as well. What? Dry eye and then you've got an ulcer. I didn't mean that dogs could wear contacts. They can! You can put a lens, you can have a lens implanted into your dog's eye and they can see. Oh, that's cool. I know. Yeah. Bear that in mind for your little doggies. Yeah. Well, they've got it. I mean, I'm not going to get back into the dogs, but I'm in a nightmare cleaning their teeth. So, yeah, that's the eyeball story. Yeah. All right now, though? Oh, yeah. Back to normal. I'm fascinated. Sorry, this is not on topic, but like, so you wear these overnight and they correct your eyesight.

1:01:54I was talking about this on LOL the whole time. They're amazing. You wear it overnight. You take them out in the morning. So then you can sort of have naps, go for a run, have a shower. You're not constantly taking out and putting out contact lenses. It's great. And if you're a kid, it stabilises your eyesight, so your eyesight doesn't get worse.

1:02:18Romesh Ranganathan:Now, let's talk a little bit about Ali Cats. Oh, yeah. What was that like? Oh, lovely. Just a treat. I spoke to Ricky recently about making it, and it felt like, because normally when you do an animation, you're in a booth you have to stick to the script I was in Chicken Run 2 and I improvised a line and they said to me you've added six months to the production because you have to draw extra frames for your line they've got to move the little plasticine wrap you know a bit more but with the way that Ricky made it sound you did all of that stuff together and it was like the animation came second, right?

1:03:01Yeah, yeah.

1:03:02Romesh Ranganathan:So what was that? Oh, it was lovely. So you're all in a room together and it's basically the cast of Afterlife so we all knew each other and liked each other. No pricks? Yeah, he doesn't imply pricks and I appreciate that. Yeah, because I was saying to him, can I get in on this? And he said, no, and I can't tell you why. so we do we do the script we do one as is the script and then another where you just dick about yeah well that's great you know um diane i've got great news it's time for misquoted great

1:03:43Romesh Ranganathan:it's misquoted i've got five quotes for you yeah some of them you said something you didn't you just got to tell me whether you did or you didn't okay my family lived to watch me on TV. No, that definitely didn't happen. You didn't say that? No. Here's the real quote. My mum said to my auntie, Diane's done Who Do You Think You Are? Are you going to watch it? And my auntie said, depends what else is on. That is absolutely true. Depends what else is on, none of them give a shit. That is absolutely true. Do you like that? I think secretly I do. There are moments where I think, you know some people's families celebrate them yeah you know but then actually again it sort of makes you who you are doesn't it i think so well i do think like lisa and the kids in particular my mum my mum's kind of she mixes very high praise with very deep deep deep hurtful criticism so that's quite a mix you sort of fall in love with your abuser but Lisa and the kids don't care about anything I do and I like going home to a group of people that don't give a shit about anything I think it's good because some people treat you really weirdly do you know what I mean people start treating you weirdly like you can do no wrong and it gets a bit like and sometimes it doesn't happen enough because I've got too much of an ego, occasionally I can tell when somebody's giving me too much laughter for what I've just said and that's, it's horrible you'll be like, arrive on set and you go bloody hell, what's the deal with that?

1:05:35Romesh Ranganathan:and then you go, no I'm one of them well done, you got that correct, here's your next one I've never wanted children for a split second The pain, the expense, the hassle. I can't see any advantages. Yes, I said that. And they did say that to the Guardian in 2020. Yeah. You've always felt like that? Always felt like that. Never wanted kids. I respect that. Not for a second. What I think is strange is people assuming that the default position should be that you want to have kids. Yeah. I find it's because deciding to reproduce and bring children into the world is such a massive thing. But the idea that you're asked, you should be asked in truth, why did you decide to have kids rather than why did you decide to not have kids?

1:06:22And some women have them because they think, well, I might change my mind. So I don't want it to be too late. So I'll just pop a couple out and then I've done it.

1:06:31Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. But you think that's wrong, surely? And some people have them so they've got people that will take care of them in their old age. Yeah, well, ding, ding, ding. Yeah, is that what you did? The quote goes on to say, then I work on Motherland and I feel vindicated. People say, yeah, but who'll look after you in your old age? You're only having kids to be your carers. There you go. But the truth is they just emigrate to Australia and stuff, don't they? Yeah, they do. Lisa and I were thinking about emigrating to Australia. Yeah, we were, me and Ben. Really? We went to Australia a few years back because I was filming something.

1:07:04And we were like, oh, my God, this is amazing.

1:07:07Romesh Ranganathan:It's great, isn't it? The weather every single day. Yeah. It's beautiful. Yeah. The food. Yeah. Everyone's really laid back and funny and down to earth. And this is amazing. Yeah. You know, because I never wanted to go there because I thought, why go all that way when it's just full of spiders? Yeah. I didn't see one spider. I was in Sydney, though. Yeah. And they've got rid of them there, haven't they? that's what I thought I thought why am I why am I getting on a 24 hour flight to find racists there yeah you know do you know anyone out there have you got friends out there I've got family out there oh have you yeah I went and did I did a tour of Australia and New Zealand and the crowds are amazing I had a great time my family came out to Brisbane to watch me it was great it was wonderful I don't know why I came back oh I've got family and children but you know what I mean is if they'd have come with me I'm probably going to return yeah okay here's your next one you're doing very well by the way how many is there there's another three why are you fed up with it no no not at all we don't have to do them all no no this can be your last one if you want no I'm enjoying it ok it doesn't feel like you are how many is there ok here's your next one it was in this ship Drake became the first person to circumcise the globe I said this is a cunk it is a cunk it's a cunker yeah yeah I'd never say anything like that no of course not ok well done you're three for three do I win something pardon Do I win something?

1:08:35Romesh Ranganathan:Have we got anything? You've already got some. You can take this Canon if you want. Oh, thanks. Yeah, don't though, please, because it's actually I shouldn't have said that. You can't take that. You can have that jug. All right. Or if you don't want to take that one, you can get one on the TikTok shop. We've got more glasses. Yeah, we've got loads of glasses. I quite like the green glasses. Okay, you can have, how many of them do you want? Three or four? Yeah, you can have four of those glasses. If you get, well, it depends on how. Right. Now there are stakes. Now you see. Yeah, okay. This is the first time we've had jeopardy in this game.

1:09:07Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. Okay, here's your next one. That's experts for you. They don't watch TV and they don't have their own anus bleached. Now, this is difficult because it's got elements of things I know I've said, but I don't think it's word for word what I've said. So I'll say no. The glasses stay here. You did say it. Did I? Yeah. It's such a shame to set up those stakes and then shit on them so instantly.

1:09:39Romesh Ranganathan:But it would have been great for us if that had happened on the last one. You said it to Rolling Stone in 2022. You're talking about speaking with academics and experts on cunk and you'd asked one about anal bleaching. That's right. I remember now. I tell you what, let's go all or nothing. Yeah, go on. If you get this last one right, you can take some glasses. Yes. I wanted to look like a pop star with buffalo boots and a body con sequined dress I definitely didn't say that the glasses are mine

1:10:12Romesh Ranganathan:this is the real quote I remember I wanted to look like Withnell from Withnell and I so I brought a long grey coat a waistcoat and a tie yeah that's true the times in 26 yeah Diane Morgan well done you won three glasses congratulations Congratulations. Thanks very much. Okay, Diane, you've been a wonderful guest. Now, we like to end the podcast on a big moment. Right. So what we ask is, you know, if you've got something you haven't said publicly before, an exclusive or something like that, we'd love to hear that. And then the clippers clip it up and put it on. Yeah. Okay. Have you got anything?

1:10:50Yes. So, last year, Eric Markham's son had an auction of his father's stuff. Robbie Williams got the pipe and glasses.

1:11:09Romesh Ranganathan:Right. Evette Fielding got Eric's desk. I got his ring, his signet ring. Didn't do that. Here it is You got Eric Malcom's signet reading Yes This is it This is it I can prove it Because I've put it inside this book About painting animals on rocks

1:11:38Romesh Ranganathan:This is a hell of a rollercoaster Isn't it? There it is Oh my god Is that your favourite thing that you own? Yes. If there was a fire, I'd run and get this. And the dog, obviously. Yeah. And Ben. Yeah. That's amazing. Great, isn't it? That's really good. Would you have paid any amount of money for it? No. I'm not an idiot. Okay. All right. Sorry. So I nearly bought... I nearly bought... This is not comedy related. Yeah, go on. So apologies for that. I was desperate to buy the Notorious B.I.G.'s leather jacket. get worn in some iconic photo did you get out of bed i didn't get out of bed i just thought i thought what am i doing no it was in an auction it was like in this memorabilia auction but i thought what am i doing i don't you know like a ring i get it you can wear it right the leather jacket is massive i don't really want to wear a leather jacket either and then i was like what am i going to do with this and then somebody comes around to my house and go do you want to come upstairs and see who cares yes yeah i don't yeah i don't give a shit do you know It's really, isn't it?

1:12:47Romesh Ranganathan:Thankfully, the sanity kicked in before I put in a massive bid for that jacket. Yeah. But that's amazing. It's great, isn't it? It's really, like, really, genuinely great. I love it. And occasionally you'll see it in sketches. You didn't wear it all the time, but occasionally. And they'll be in sketches. It's like it's had this whole other life. It's so good. On Eric Markham's finger. Yeah. I loved Eric Markham. Yeah. I've got a bit of this. It's nice, isn't it? It's really nice. Thank you for that exclusive. can I just ask you sorry you just mentioned you can see it in sketches I just want to ask you we talked about it before the podcast but I just want to say it on the podcast yeah you and Jo Wilkinson yeah did sketches together do you ever still do that no no no we don't no really really funny but this story that I heard that I'd sort of I'd heard it at a gig not from you or Jo maybe I'd sort of heard it third hand I think but I just want to So it was a mixed bill comedy night and you and Jo were going to appear on more than one occasion throughout the night, right?

1:13:52Right, yeah, that's right.

1:13:53Romesh Ranganathan:And then you went on and you did your sketch. Yeah. And basically you both ate shit. Yeah, it died. It went terribly. It died, like really died. And then you started panicking because you were going to have to come back on. It had gone so badly the first time. And so what did you decide to do? We decided to. go back on and do exactly the same sketch again. You see, you would find something like that really funny, but the audience did not. I would love it. What happened the second time? Well, I mean, they hated us even more. Oh, right, okay. They thought we'd lost our minds. Oh, because I think that's the funniest thing you could have possibly done.

1:14:34It really provokes people if you do a thing like that.

1:14:37Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. That is amazing, though. Was it? That takes guts, doesn't it? Yeah. I mean, nothing we would have done they would have enjoyed after that. So we thought we may as well just push it further and get them to really hate us. Well, look, thank you so much. Can you give it up for the legendary Diane Morgan? Thank you. Really good episode. Thank you. That's definitely going. We'll put that out.

1:15:05Romesh Ranganathan:Thank you so much for watching and listening to this episode. Before you go, if you've enjoyed this episode and you've not subscribed. That's a bold decision. Crazy behaviour. Follow and subscribe to the Romesh Ranganathan show wherever you listen. It helps me, really, like really helps me. It helps the team. And it costs you absolutely nothing. We drop episodes every Monday and Thursday. Mondays, I'm joined by great guests. Thursdays, my mum, Shanti, joins me to answer your questions and family dilemmas. I'll see you Thursday with mum who, let's face it, is who you're actually here for. If you've got a problem you want to solve or a story you want to share, send it to podcast at rhangabi.com voice not or text us on 07731 623 355 we can't promise good advice but you might end up on the show see you soon oh shut up romesh i just want to give you the space to process it michael said elena paused i don't think i want to see anybody else this is the love story of real hinge couple elena and michael written and read by me raven smith Listen to the free audiobook now.

1:16:12Class is now in session. And the UPS Store is here to help you ace arriving on campus. Our certified packing experts can pack everything you need, from desktops to decor.

1:16:24Romesh Ranganathan:Plus, when you pack and ship with us, you get our exclusive pack and ship guarantee. Your items arrive safe or your money back. Restrictions and limitations apply. To get a 20 % off packing coupon and for full details, visit the upsstore.com slash packing.