Shanthi’s Suspicions, Monkey Bites & Stage Names

17:53Romesh Ranganathan:It's horrible, isn't it, to be on the other end of it? Anyway, a reminder that you can send us a WhatsApp message or voice note to 07731 623355 or email podcast at rangabi.com. And don't forget, if you haven't already, please like and subscribe wherever you get your podcast it genuinely helps us and it means we're one subscriber closer to getting that million how far close are we to a million subscribers guys we're currently 186 ,000 that's actually gone up quite quick hasn't it 800 ,000 814 ,000 to go we're not that far off are we no yeah okay we've got an email from Chelsea hi team I love podcasts and I always favour a funny one, but since watching your Thursday episodes, I genuinely can't find anything else even remotely as funny.

18:42Romesh Ranganathan:You've completely drained the humour out of every other podcast out there. Wow. It's great because I now look forward to nearly embarrassing myself laughing at my desk every week, but also terrible because now nothing else is good enough. What do you suggest I do with the rest of my listening time? Also, what's the most embarrassing thing you've ever Googled? Mine is a duck's penis. I won't spoil it, but I highly recommend giving it a search. Please keep up. we absolutely love you guys even ben even ben and that's from georgie no bs shanthi i'm genuinely happier now you're in my life that's from chelsea that's very nice can we look up duck penis please yeah okay yeah here it there it is then oh my god oh my god Yeah.

19:34Romesh Ranganathan:So it's corkscrew. Corkscrew, yeah. Oh, I'm never going to eat fusilli again.

19:44I'm going to start eating that Chinese duck goes in the pancake, really.

19:50Romesh Ranganathan:Chinese duck that goes in the pancake? Yeah. Yeah. I don't think it goes in willingly. You're a big fan of Chinese duck in a pancake, aren't you? skinning up a fat one yeah you like it i like that that's everyone's favorite all the rangon athans i think their favorite i know ben you're a bit snobby about this aren't you how do you know that i just know because you don't think when when this is like oh god yeah it's true what i'm about to say yeah it's weird that you know that because i don't think i've even been to a chinese so obviously when people think about duck from a chinese restaurant they think of the plum sauce and the pancakes and you skin it up and sometimes the spring onions and stuff yeah anyway that really upsets ben why because there is a chinese there's a chinese duck that isn't that isn't it what's what's the duck that you like ben that actually offends you when people think of no it's not that you think it's you think it's what do you say what did you say that's the chinese duck of the working classes no they're from different areas of china okay so what's the chinese so that's um as i i think that's pekin duck is what we is like the crispy yeah crispy duck that you would then put into a pancake yeah and what do you cantony's roast duck cantony's roast duck okay has a nice sweet soy on it and you just have it ideally off the bone it's really good i think this is why i chose to use the word even then and you don't you don't uh put it in pancakes you don't put it in pancakes no okay i think people really like the plum sauce that's my take on i can i tell you i totally agree with you the plums i'm not that i eat duck but the plum sauce is so addictive plum sauce and cucumber and i think you could always put anything in the middle of that agreed agreed the way they curried presentation yeah beautiful presentation i'm happy with that what you've actually backed me up on something it was nice yeah i agree with you uh okay well thank you so much for your what's some oh here's a quick what's the most embarrassing thing you've ever googled can i tell you something a bit embarrassing that I put into Gemini.

21:52Romesh Ranganathan:So I think I grazed my leg without realizing when I was away filming in America. And I was a bit worried about... And then I didn't realize I'd grazed my leg. And then one morning, a couple of months ago, I got up and looked in the mirror and there's like a dark patch on my leg and I started freaking out. So I'll give you the exact wording of my question to Gemini. And I've sent a photo of the patch as well. so I uploaded a photo of my leg last night I felt like a dry patch on my leg and now I've seen this like a dark patch I can't wash off what the fuck could it be? and it said this is for informational purposes only for medical advice or a diagnosis contact a professional it can definitely be startling to suddenly notice an unexpected dark mark on your skin especially when it doesn't wash off because many skin changes can look similar on camera it's impossible to give a definitive diagnosis but here are a few common reasons and then it gave me some suggestions what was it?

22:49Romesh Ranganathan:post-inflammatory hyperpigmentation, frictional minor injury, or a developing bruise. It's still there. Suggestions? Moisturise, monitor, check for symptoms. So I'm currently monitoring that. Do you want me to have a look? No, thank you. Can I have a look at your look? Not now, thank you. I don't want this to be... Can Will have a look? Yeah, Will can I. I don't mind if Will has a look, yeah. Yeah, that'd be great. Do you know what I just Googled? What? And we're all right. you can say Peking duck I was a bit worried you couldn't say it but you can say it oh okay you can say it can't you yeah it's the name of the dish it's Beijing now isn't it right it's the name of the dish I think we're good yeah yeah okay fine I think so yeah okay no one else was worried no okay no cool okay well thank you so much we didn't really is there anything embarrassing you've googled no no okay thank you so much Chelsea take care of yourself thank you darling goodbye she also wanted to know what to do with the rest of her listening time.

23:47Romesh Ranganathan:Oh, okay. Look, I don't want to be disparaging about our podcast, but it's possible... Oh, well, okay. Well, look, they've been... Is this you, Ben? Or is this Georgie that's written? What's happened? Well, if you like me and mum... This is such a... Excellent work, Georgie. This is great. So I've just read it. This is such a corporate response. If you like me and mum, you can catch up on Parents' Evening, available on ITVX and Asian provocateur. Oh, wow. It's actually quite good. And of course, Wolf and Owl podcast. Yeah, but mum's not on that show. Also good. Might like it though. Yeah, you might like it.

24:25Romesh Ranganathan:Wolf and Owl. Thank you so much, Chelsea. There's lots of things that I've done that you can watch and I hope you enjoy them. That's great. Well done, Ron. Thank you. Okay. What are you going to say? No, you made it seamless. All right, thank you. Next up, we've got a voice note from Holly. Hello, Ramesh and Shanti. My name's Holly. Massive fan of the show. Absolutely love you guys. And I genuinely look forward to the episodes every week. Love, love, love. The reason I'm getting in contact, so I've just got back from a trip to Sri Lanka. I went with my family, so my husband and our two kids. My son is four and a half.

25:12my daughter's two and we were there for two months we decided to do it before our son starts school and it was honestly the trip of a lifetime we absolutely loved it everyone we met out there was just incredible so great with the kids just made them feel so comfortable and happy um the things we got to see like the beaches were beautiful the food was amazing the people like I said were just incredible the kids got to ride around in tuk-tuks we saw amazing wildlife it was literally the best until we got to Ella and I got bitten by a monkey who ran up my leg stole some mango from me and bit me so I ended up having to have my rabies treatment out there which is all a bit scary but actually ended up going to the hospitals which were incredible I was so well looked after I got to meet some really lovely people so I was going there every few days I loved it in the end um so every cloud has a silver lining so my question to you guys is have you ever had an absolute disaster on holiday what was it how did you deal with it and did you manage to turn it around into a positive at all um interested to hear anyway sending lots of love and looking forward to if this is being played what you're going to say bye

26:41Romesh Ranganathan:well thank you so much Holly for your message glad you had such a wonderful time in Sri Lanka that's exciting isn't it I would say Holly I'm sure you don't mean it in this way I don't think you should refer to the locals as monkeys laughter

26:57laughter laughter laughter

27:02Romesh Ranganathan:I know you probably didn't mean it like that, unless, oh, you bloody little monkey, you know, but you shouldn't, that's not okay. And I think I speak on behalf of everybody. Yeah. The whole team feel like that, don't you? Where did she go, Ella, or something? Yeah. Didn't we go there? Can't even buy a pen there. But it's good, she was very positive, she had a great time in the hospital. The rabies treatment sounds like it was good. So that was good. How do you know you got rabies? How do you know you've got rabies? Yeah. Why are you asking that? Are you suspicious? Monkey bit, within a day she got rabies.

27:37Romesh Ranganathan:No, I think you have to, I think you have to check anyway. If a monkey bites you, I wouldn't roll the dice on that. I would go, and by monkey I mean local. You have to go to the hospital, you'd go to the hospital anyway, wouldn't you? Yeah? I don't know the monkey's bit, is that a thing? They do. they can do yeah i believe so i mean they're fast yeah you have to be treated yeah yeah okay yeah so there you go that's a little have you been bitten by a monkey before no i fought with the monkey i did i did who won in thailand malaysia malaysia tried to steal your handbag there's a The Bhattu cave is our god Murugan.

28:29I went to that temple, I did prayers and after the puja, the priest gave me a garland, who put it on the dainty and some prasad called banana and other things. I was carrying it in a bag. The monkey came and got hold of the bag. And Ranga said, shouting, Ranga got frightened because I'm with the monkey. He said, give the bag to him, give the bag to him. I said, no, I won't eat that thing. You know what the monkey did? He tore the bag, took everything and gave the empty bag and he ran off. He was after the food. I don't think he wanted the handbag.

29:13I wasn't carrying a handbag. No, my friends are going to be so jealous when they see me rocking that Chanel. I didn't carry any belongings like that guy. Yeah. Okay.

29:27Romesh Ranganathan:Very good. Really good. Like that?

29:34Did she get help? My God, Romain.

29:39Romesh Ranganathan:Have you ever had a disaster on holiday? Well, the monkey story wasn't bad. Yeah, when I went to Sri Lanka first time, I'm taking you to Sri Lanka to show dad didn't come. I lost the passport at the airport. That was bad. That was really, it took me two months. I was stuck in there. Is that why we were there for two months? Yeah. I thought that was deliberate. You were, maybe, man, you wouldn't have understood. So the reason we were there for two months is because you lost the passport? We lost the passport. Oh, I thought that was just always planned to be two months. No. Interesting. I got the passport back somehow.

30:14And that's it.

30:16Romesh Ranganathan:I remember one time we were in Toronto. And I had cut the ratti. Oh, yeah. My God. Just before getting the flight. It's the worst flight I've ever had in my life. You've got upset stomach from it. And then mom was just in my ear going, why did you eat like that? I don't understand. Why would you do that before getting on a plane? I'm sitting there, feeling like somebody's stabbing me from the inside. Inside, yeah. Absolute agony. I don't understand. Why would you? Before you get on the plane to have it, it's stupid. I'm listening to that while I'm in absolute agony. Do you remember? I know. I went to, don't worry.

30:57Why don't you go to the toilet? While it's a flight moving, you can't go to the toilet.

31:04Romesh Ranganathan:No, the flight is, the flight, it was basically, I had the worst bit of it. the second that they switched on the it was like towards the end of the flight and then the lights came on to stay in your seat and then I just thought I'm going to die in this seat on this plane or I'm going to shit myself thankfully neither happened but do you remember what happened before we even got on the plane this is genuinely an impression of the guy at the we were coming back we were at Toronto airport we went to passport security and the guy takes mom's passport and he goes you don't have permission to enter the UK and then I go that's her home she's been there for like years and years and years and he goes no she's not actually allowed she's a visitor and she's not allowed to enter the UK I said she is dude I said she lives there and he goes she isn't I'm sorry we're going to have to get somebody to sort this out you shouldn't be you can't be allowed onto the flight and so mum's like freaking out and then he goes oh no yes you are I was like I actually said this is the only time I've said to him dude check all the pages yeah you did you stepped in excuse me mum and she started it was mad she thought she I'm sad for mum but also there's a bit of excitement

32:36Romesh Ranganathan:anyway thank you so much holly amazing one amazing thing to do to go to sri lanka for two months yeah really good and not because you've got a passport issue because you wanted to it's incredible i'm glad you had a nice time okay we've got a voice note from joey from southampton hi guys it's joey from southampton here i love watching the podcast with you both every week and hi to John, Will and Ben too. So my question is, I'm 20 and in my final year of university and I say that you usually find the love of your life at university and as I've only got one year left, I was hoping you guys could give me any advice as to find who my partner for life will be.

33:14Romesh Ranganathan:Cheers guys. Oh my god, Joey sounds so lovely, doesn't he? Joey, do you want to meet up?

33:25Rom?

33:26Romesh Ranganathan:Sorry. He's just got such a beautiful voice, hasn't he? You fell in love with the voice. I'm not falling in love with him, but he just sounds like a lovely guy. Do you know what I think? Mm-hmm. Well, I'm saying that in an innocent way. He's too young for me. Okay. And I'm married and all that. And straight. But apart from that... It's good to... Yeah. What do you think, mum? Last year at university. Yeah. Is he looking for a partner? That's what he's saying, yeah. Yeah, but he doesn't have to look for a partner in the uni. Come on, come out, get a job, working, and you will meet so many beautiful people.

34:04And he should find out whether she or he has a beautiful heart and good behavior. Yeah, and a nice ass. Nice ass and not stingy.

34:18Romesh Ranganathan:Right, is that a big thing for you? It is a big thing. Yeah. Dad wasn't stingy. He would buy everything. But when I go out with people, they are stingy people. I found it very difficult. Yeah. Very difficult. That's tricky. Will? University? So how old are you? Did you ever... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Last year of university partner? No, no, no. No. Ben? What's that? Partner at university? You're not actually asking questions. just saying words. I tell you, I've got a tip at uni. Oh, no. Go on. A gimmick. A gimmick. I think you were trying to get struggling. You had a gimmick, didn't you? I had a few gimmicks.

35:10Romesh Ranganathan:I had a trilby hat. Yeah, they call this peacocking, don't they? Is that right? I believe that when you do something like this to sort of draw attention to yourself, it's peacocking. So Trilby was one of yours. Trilby. Did you and Georgie know each other at university? No. Okay, because this wouldn't have happened, would it? No. I have seen pictures of what I look like and yeah. Because you've deliberately blanked it from your memory for trauma reasons. So Trilby, what else? You could try this. This is a suggestion. This had a mixed hit ratio for me. But if there's someone you really like the look of and maybe you've exchanged a look.

35:53Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. But you're a bit nervous. Joey, pay attention to this because this is going to be magic. I don't know. I didn't come up with this, but it's something that I had tried a couple of times. All you do is you write your number on a napkin. You buy a drink. You put the napkin down and the drink on it and then you just walk away. You say nothing. right i think that's so disgusting what i did get so would that someone did that no no you shouldn't do that no it's just so imagine it you're like why does it have to be a move like that it's not a move it's just a bit like it's a move it's a fucking move why can't you show somebody in a real way you've got to do something from fucking hitch we write a number on a napkin and then no don't talk to me now

36:54Romesh Ranganathan:i'm over there but sometimes people are shy i think you're it takes quite a lot of courage to go up to a stranger no what okay here's my question to you you've exchanged a look with somebody you can't do it cold why do you want them to call you do you leave the number as well yeah yeah it's not just the drink but why do you want them to call you to go on a date based on what you've found them physically attractive isn't that how most yeah but then yes agreed but then you have to then sort of get to like there has to be you don't want a phone call from somebody you've just found physically attractive that's wild like I don't like somebody that's physically attractive you go here's my fucking personal phone number because I think you're quite fit from across the other side of a bar where it's dark by the way so I've bought you a drink and sculpted off like Batman feel free to phone me whenever you want so it's so I think it's to me that sounds insane I didn't get any calls I can't really say whether it Maybe they didn't know.

38:08I mean, I don't know. Maybe they didn't see the number. That's why I also thought afterwards. No, no, no, no. The bottom of the drink is wet. They must have got it. Yeah, I've got to say,

38:17Romesh Ranganathan:very rarely when I've needed a napkin have I thought, let me just see if there's anything written on this first. No, I mean, the girl must be talking and having a good time. When he left the drink, she wouldn't have noticed. It's you. Well, can you imagine if she realises now and she realises what she missed out on? She doesn't know. Yeah, she will think, Oh my God, I missed out. What could have been? You know that, don't you? He never gave me a napkin. Anyway, it's just a suggestion. I was just throwing things out there to try and help. I think it's a good example that Ben's given. It's a really good example of things you shouldn't do.

38:52Romesh Ranganathan:I don't think you should. That's a textbook thing of people reading the game or whatever and thinking they've got to do some mad move or do some technique or whatever. and that's toxic and horrible. And it's an exact example of what's wrong with men. What I would, so thank you for sharing that. No, it's a safe space. No, I'm joking. It is a safe space. I'm joking. Joey, first, my main advice is you don't have to find a partner in the last year of university. It's because you're so young. I don't think this should even be on your list of things to think about. I think you just live your life and there's no way you should be worrying about this at this I would argue there's no way that you should be worrying about it at all ever but worrying about it now it's too soon you know and by the sounds of you love is going to find you at some point you sound magical if you wear a trilby you can wear I actually think trilby is not a bad shout Joey don't do that I actually I would say that's actually trilby it's cool trilby's cool it's cool you want to remind people of early era Justin Timberlake And if you can get a chain, a keychain as well.

40:06Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, a keychain just from one loop to the other. I genuinely had that. Yeah. And a trilby. And then what's the thing you used to say? I got known as Hat Boy by quite a few people at uni. Oh, no. Imagine wearing a hat and people that get to know you find that the most distinctive thing about you. It's like being called Trouser Lad. There's nothing else about you that stands out. Anyway, Joey, good luck to you, brother. I hope it goes well. Take care. Okay, that's a wrap on duck dicks, monkey bites, and true love. That's all we've got time for. Thank you so much for listening and watching. We will see you little bitches on Monday.

40:54Romesh Ranganathan:Fuck you. We love you. Love you. Say love you. Love you, dickheads. Maybe with your fingers down. God. Thank you so much for watching and listening to this episode. Before you go, if you've enjoyed this episode and you've not subscribed, that's a bold decision. Crazy behavior. Follow and subscribe to The Romesh Ranganathan Show wherever you listen. It helps me, really, like really helps me. It helps the team and it costs you absolutely nothing. We drop episodes every Monday and Thursday. Mondays, I'm joined by great guests. Thursdays, my mum Shadi joins me to answer your questions and family dilemmas.

41:33Romesh Ranganathan:we'll see you Monday with another great guest and back here with mum on Thursday if you've got a problem you want to solve or a story you want to share send it to podcast at rhangaby.com voice not or text us on 07731 623 355 we can't promise good advice but you might end up on the show see you soon oh shut up Romesh