The Birthday Episode Romesh Didn’t Want

4:39Shanthi Ranganathan:he's a Mr. Bang Bang Bang yes

4:41Romesh Ranganathan:okay here we fucking go but what I'm saying is what do you think Dini this this what what's that what do you think Dinesh what do I think about what

4:54Shanthi Ranganathan:bang bang what are you talking about I think that's a perfectly reasonable question Dinesh what do you think about Dinesh with the bang bang

5:02Romesh Ranganathan:answer the question you wanted to come on the podcast what do you think about Dinesh with the bang bang answer it I want to cry don't take me back there please what do you mean back there Back then, when that was going on. Oh, yeah, yeah. Anyway, the point is, actually, what you've seen on the podcast is mum more chilled.

5:23Shanthi Ranganathan:Yes, that's right.

5:24Romesh Ranganathan:This is a relaxed version of mum. She used to be like that. You know the red one in Inside Out?

5:35Shanthi Ranganathan:Bang, bang again! Yeah. I have done that before. Yeah. Not me. Every time my hubby comes in, I go, oh, like that. Oh, horrible. Man is coming. Don't know. He caught a fish tonight?

5:49Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, this is so blue. Man is coming. That needs contact. Anyway, this is so disgusting. Dinesh, how are you? I'm good, thank you. Thanks for coming on to the podcast. It's a pleasure. You had a huge success last time. Amazing. Breakout success. A lot of comments about it. Nice. People saying that you should be on everyone. Obviously, we're not going to do that. Why not?

6:07Shanthi Ranganathan:Why not?

6:08Romesh Ranganathan:I think this is the best time to pitch it, right? Yeah. No, I'm joking. Would you like to be on everyone? Yeah, yeah, that'd be cool. I'd like to do it. Yeah. Obviously, I like working with... You're a special person.

6:18Shanthi Ranganathan:We like to be with you all the time. But you don't want us. You must be thinking these bloody monkeys are trying to get in. You got racist. Why have you got racist? I don't know.

6:31Shanthi Ranganathan:Look at these two hyenas. Hyenas?

6:37Romesh Ranganathan:Now, listen, I didn't want to make a big deal about it, but it is my birthday this week.

6:42Shanthi Ranganathan:Happy birthday. Happy birthday.

6:43Romesh Ranganathan:Thank you. Well, thank you for that enthusiasm. The team have put up a banner. There's a balloon behind my head. We've got some party hats. Are we supposed to wear these? It's up to you. Yeah, yeah. It's just it becomes... I know that you put these things in, but it's a bit of a continuity issue, isn't it? You pretend that you want these things in. Could you put them on for a second so we could just see what they look like on?

7:02Shanthi Ranganathan:For me, why don't we have a party for all of us? You're not talking about these guys? Yeah. Yeah. Let them come. Do you know, I was watching Bad Friends and... Yeah. Bobby Lee took the whole team out for a really lovely lunch and everything. That would be lovely. That would be a nice one. You'll feel the love.

7:23Romesh Ranganathan:Bobby Lee, isn't the slight difference is two differences. One, it's American, that podcast. And two, he respects his team. And now, what do we think of the hats? Yeah, they look really good. Will, what do you think? Yeah, I like them. You normally have a little bit of snark every now and again. No, no, I love them. I would describe you, Will, as a stealth prick.

7:42Shanthi Ranganathan:It looks like a...

7:44Romesh Ranganathan:You're almost silent for most of the time, but occasionally you say something.

7:48Shanthi Ranganathan:Look like Dickhead, doesn't it?

7:50Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. She's not wrong.

7:57Shanti, we've got some presents for Rom. Oh, you have? Yeah, that are just down there. But this one's a nice one.

8:06Shanthi Ranganathan:Hello.

8:11Shanthi Ranganathan:Welcome to Modcast. What the fuck is that? It's a present. We didn't wrap it. How would you describe that, Rom?

8:20Romesh Ranganathan:It's an inflatable... Romesh. Romesh. I would say with enough lube, you could insert.

8:32Shanthi Ranganathan:That's horrible, Rom.

8:33Romesh Ranganathan:It's got my actual face on it. The rest of it is... Where did you get... I think, does it bang? Is it one of those ones that you banged and you hit? Hit what? You hit it. and it makes a noise. Does it?

8:43Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah. No. Try again. Why have you done that to me? Really hit it this time. Really, really go for that to me. No, but you know, when you go to basketball or whatever, there's like, you hit them together. Maybe you need two of them, which you've got to do. And your next present, one drumstick.

9:03Romesh Ranganathan:Airbods. This is not a toy. What is it for?

9:09Shanthi Ranganathan:Just to look like you. Ah, there you are. Friend. You're on the road a lot. If it was bigger, you could leave around Mum's house and she'd stop calling you. I'm with you all the time, Mum. Mum, yeah. Do you like it?

9:24Romesh Ranganathan:This is more the sort of present I'd get for Mum rather than she getting for me. It doesn't make a lot of sense now. Rami, you're horrible you are.

9:32Shanthi Ranganathan:Don't have my present for you.

9:33Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, you do, but what I'm saying is this is a weird present.

9:36Shanthi Ranganathan:Anyway, shall we agree that we all...

9:37Romesh Ranganathan:Can we look up what this is... Sorry, Mum, to interrupt. Can we look up what this is for? I think it's just a bit of fun.

9:42Shanthi Ranganathan:fun that's it you're doing what you should do with it

9:45Romesh Ranganathan:the point I'm trying to make is I think I think we've had all the fun we're going to have with it that is my estimation so so you buy this you blow it up you go oh that's weird and then it's done is it what do we do now I think you pretty much nailed it yeah okay thank you to the people of Airbod I look forward to you pitching to sponsor the podcast based on this endorsement Barebod.com Made in the UK though So that's good It's nice to have something That's not made by some Bengali kids I think there might be Something else down there As well Yeah Okay Probably a smaller version Of this This Oh my god This is good

10:27Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah you are This is This is Directly From Well I'm going to say From myself This is from you I think it's so Yeah You think so I think it's so I think so I think I can't I didn't put it in the black bag Is that

10:42Romesh Ranganathan:I'm actually emotional this is actually a good present this is a fucking great present then you can have two tablespoons can we do the reveal first yeah guys I'm so excited about this gift oh my god crispy chilli oil for all of your late night choking needs

11:08Romesh Ranganathan:Oh my god, have you tried this? No.

11:11Shanthi Ranganathan:I got one bottle done. Have you?

11:13Romesh Ranganathan:We were just trying to kill every recognition. Has it been open? Because I can smell the chili oil. Well, do you know what? It's been in my bag, and then it looks like the oil has leaked through the glass. Through the glass? It's gone all wet, hasn't it? Yeah, the wrapper's gone. If you add too much,

11:27Shanthi Ranganathan:your stomach will leak as well, isn't it?

11:29Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, absolutely. This is amazing. Lagama chili oil. Should we have some now?

11:35Shanthi Ranganathan:No. Did you get spin?

11:36Romesh Ranganathan:No. With what? I was going to say. Can I tell you why? Because I do actually, I'm going to do something because although I don't really respect the team, when we had Brett McKenzie on and we ate Marmite, first of all, we had a lot of complaints about the sounds of the Marmite. The biggest complaints came from Will who had to edit the podcast. He was sat in the office just like, I can't believe these sounds. I can't. I can't. And then he started saying, and Will's actually quite a mild mannered, chilled guy. He actually said we can't do stuff like this again. But some people clipped it up for their own kind of personal enjoyment.

12:10Romesh Ranganathan:My hand smell of the chile oil. Is it properly sealed?

12:13Shanthi Ranganathan:I'm worried it was in my bag.

12:14Romesh Ranganathan:Oh, there's another one. Yeah, I can smell the chile oil.

12:16Shanthi Ranganathan:Oh, my God. I fear that's leaked as well. Yeah. Oh, yeah, there you go. Open it nicely, though, Ramesh. What do you mean? Elegant.

12:31Romesh Ranganathan:Happy birthday, Ramesh, from the team at Platform Media. Thanks, guys. This is lovely. Shall we open? Do we know if they're vegan? All vegan. All vegan? Holy shit. That'd be horrible if it wasn't. None of those are vegan, though, so hand them here. Do you guys want a donut? Shall we have a look at what they are? Oh, my... Guys, look at this. Oh. Wow. I don't think we should eat them now. Shall we have them afterwards? Why don't you open them and then show them? Oh, we'll eat them later. So do you want some good news? Okay, go on. So we have reached a milestone in the podcast. Go on. Ready, guys?

13:05We've reached 100 ,000 on YouTube.

13:10Is that good?

13:12Romesh Ranganathan:Is 100 ,000 good? What's KSI on? What I'm saying is that 100 ,000 is like... Is that good? Will, be honest, you're actually in tune. Is it? I'm in tune as well, it's good. Can we just look at a bit of comparisons? What's KSI on? I'd have to I will look it up but here's the isn't he one of the leading I just want to yeah but we should be comparing ourselves to the biggest so what's he on we're on 100 ,000 we've just we've just done five party poppers for that what's Kersan he's got 17 17 million they would have probably had some balloons dropped from the ceiling for that so what's our what's our target then this was meant to be more like a I know 100k was the target pardon 100k was the target we've been having like a sweepstake of when we would get there the team have Oh, God, your hobbies are so sad.

14:04Romesh Ranganathan:Georgie won. Did she? Can we give a big shout out to Georgie? Because she does a lot of work on this podcast and on her marriage to Ben. And so I just think she deserves a little bit of credit. Big up, Georgie. Can we give a round of applause to Georgie?

14:17Shanthi Ranganathan:Come on, Georgie. Thank you.

14:20Romesh Ranganathan:Okay, so Tom Allen's very into his garden, so we got him some garden presents. Nice. And here's a little clip for you. Before you look into this, I'm going to say this now. I think these are the best gifts we've ever given to any any guest really? yeah in terms of theme in terms of you I think we've okay I'll be honest with you I wish you hadn't started with that one that was the more of the that's more of the that was that was more of the joke item mini blunt bot hunks gosh you you pride yourself on the strangest things a set of four hunks designed to buff up those dainty pop rugs sorry that was what a lovely thought that was I thought that was that was a that was a really bad I was laughing but that was a bad moment why?

15:15Romesh Ranganathan:well because we'd said we'd got Tom actually some good shit yeah but those were little like men in pants that you sort of on sticks that you put into the plants just did a gif didn't it? yeah what did you think of that gif man? would you like some of those? I loved it

15:28Shanthi Ranganathan:Nah. I'd love it.

15:32Romesh Ranganathan:You love it? Nah.

15:36Romesh Ranganathan:Mum's a keen gardener, though, isn't she?

15:37Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah, I love it. You're not having it.

15:40Romesh Ranganathan:Tom's got it.

15:41Shanthi Ranganathan:You buy it for me.

15:42Romesh Ranganathan:Do you actually do any gardening?

15:45Shanthi Ranganathan:I do.

15:46Romesh Ranganathan:Don't you get a guy to do it all for you? She's got two gardeners. You've got two gardeners? Who's the other guy? Haven't you got Green Thumb and the other gardener?

15:53Shanthi Ranganathan:Green Thumb come and kill the things. Separate.

15:56Romesh Ranganathan:Green Thumb comes and kills It sounds like the start of a horror film trailer Be careful Green Thumb will get you One night I saw Green Thumb out the back He was doing some digging We never found out what he did Betty that day So you've got Green Thumb as one Who's the other one?

16:17Shanthi Ranganathan:The other one is Private Gardener

16:19Romesh Ranganathan:Private Gardener He's a private gardener Gardening for money Any old garden will do Can we clear that?

16:34Romesh Ranganathan:So why have you got two gardeners?

16:37Shanthi Ranganathan:Green Thumb You can't call it Hello, my name is Dr.

16:40Romesh Ranganathan:Green Thumb Do you remember that song? Cypress Hill I'd like to tell you just where I'm from Can we clear that?

16:46Shanthi Ranganathan:Why are you taking the

16:47Romesh Ranganathan:Do you want me to stop doing the song bits?

16:49Shanthi Ranganathan:Maybe Yeah Sing properly if you're going to sing

16:52Romesh Ranganathan:That's how he sings it It's Be Real from Cypress Hill You sing that I can't sing that. Hello, my name is Dr. Green Thumb. That's how it goes. It does sound exactly like that. All right, Mum. So why have you got two gardeners?

17:03Shanthi Ranganathan:They are not two gardeners.

17:05Romesh Ranganathan:Are they both the same person, but they split every now and again?

17:08Shanthi Ranganathan:No.

17:08Romesh Ranganathan:So how are they not two gardeners?

17:10Shanthi Ranganathan:They come and treat the grass. That's why it's called Green Thumb. Okay? Come and whatever treatment it needs, and every three months they come and treat it.

17:22Romesh Ranganathan:Okay, fine. So that's like an ongoing maintenance thing of yours. Yeah, I won't treat.

17:28Shanthi Ranganathan:I don't want to go and spray all these weed killer and things like that. So I left it to them.

17:33Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, okay. Then what's the other one?

17:35Shanthi Ranganathan:The other one is a private gardener. Private gardener.

17:40Romesh Ranganathan:Why can the private, what did he say? Why can't the private gardener do the spraying of the lawn?

17:46Shanthi Ranganathan:He won't do it. Why? And I stub it. I had to pay.

17:49Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, but you're now paying two different people.

17:51Shanthi Ranganathan:That's okay. I prefer the green thumb doing it.

17:53Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, but the green thumb is just a maintenance thing. And the other guy does loads of work in the garden. Okay, why are you turning on me? You're the one that started with this two gardener thing in the first place. I'm just explaining. You asked a question. No, but now you're justifying it. You're the one that said you got two gardeners. You started the roast. Yeah. Then I follow up. No, I didn't start a roast. I'm following up your bit. And then now you've turned on me. I said mum's got two gardeners. Oh, yeah, that's fair enough. And also, one of them's maintenance. One of them just does the maintenance.

18:14Oh, okay. Also, mum's too old to do it. What's wrong with me today? Yeah.

18:18Romesh Ranganathan:I'm actually going to acknowledge it. I'm being quite spotty. I wish we had to come to this birthday party. That's what I'm saying.

18:23Shanthi Ranganathan:Calm down, Mum. Calm down. It's my birthday. Yeah.

18:27Romesh Ranganathan:We all wish it wasn't. We're all coming. Okay? Okay. All right.

18:30Shanthi Ranganathan:Waiting for the invitation. If I don't get an invitation, I will come there and wait for the invitation.

18:36Romesh Ranganathan:My advice to you, definitely hold your breath. So, as Dinesh is joining us today, the team decided we should play some games. We did it on the Christmas podcast. Yeah. So, we go again. So this is Most Likely 2. Remember you did Most Likely 2? That went well, yeah. Birthday edition. Birthday edition. Most Likely 2, birthday edition. So remember, after three, we each have to say a name. Okay. Okay, remember, Mum, last time? You just decided to become an elective mute for most of the game.

19:04Shanthi Ranganathan:I clearly remember. Yeah. Okay, I'll be careful this time.

19:07Romesh Ranganathan:You don't have to be careful.

19:08Shanthi Ranganathan:I didn't listen last time. My mind was wandering around. Yeah, why? But this time, I'm on it.

19:14Romesh Ranganathan:You're on it. Okay, good. Okay, after three, we each have to say a name. Who is most likely to complain about getting older? One, two, three, mum. Mum, yeah. Sorry. I was still thinking. That was all it was. Rom.

19:34Romesh Ranganathan:Brutal. That was quite late, if you don't mind me saying. You were even quite late. Yeah. I was a bit late.

19:41Shanthi Ranganathan:I didn't want to tell my name. He said, Mom, your son, ask again.

19:46Romesh Ranganathan:So she didn't remember. Say it nicely. Who is most likely to complain about getting older? One, two, three, Mom. Me. When have I ever complained about getting older?

19:55Shanthi Ranganathan:Your son already pointed out. What did he point out? You don't have an aura.

20:00Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. No, that's different to getting older. He said, I keep dropping aura points with my behavior. But that's not about getting older. That's just not being really cool. That's like the child equivalent of the ick, right? Yeah. Is it? Basically, every now and again, I'll do something. The way I pick something up, it'll go, you've dropped all the points.

20:14Shanthi Ranganathan:Maybe the way you look at yourself in the mirror, he must have seen you doing it. So you don't want to get old. Nobody wants to get old.

20:22Romesh Ranganathan:I don't mind getting older. I'm all right with it. I actually think, can I say, and this is quite a dark thing to say, I think I'm ready to die. Jesus. What I feel like is I've got to a point where the kids are kind of set up now. Yeah. Get some pom-pom. We've got a nice place. I've probably done my best work. you know what about your mother

20:42Shanthi Ranganathan:and your brother

20:43Romesh Ranganathan:what is this for six donuts what I'm saying is I'm sort of ready to go is that a bad thing to say yeah it is that's different that's content right yeah I'm content yeah so if that's different you're not ready to die if someone pops off what that's not ready to die is it you're just content I'm not ready to die like please can you pass over the drip but what I mean is I was going to say if someone comes up to you with a knife you just go alright I want to tell you something

21:07Shanthi Ranganathan:if you die before your time comes you'll be a ghost. You will be. Just so you know, there's no stealth prick. Stealth prick, stealth prick joins in when he feels

21:21Romesh Ranganathan:like it.

21:23Shanthi Ranganathan:It's very true. God has given you the date and the time. When? Fuck off Romy. I'm only trying to tell you something.

21:33Romesh Ranganathan:You sounded like your ghost there. Just in the night. Fuck off Romy. also if that's true where's dad haven't we seen him he hasn't come to see us has he yeah so you were the one

21:45Shanthi Ranganathan:you said when you smell a fart you think of your dad

21:49Romesh Ranganathan:no I didn't say that mum you've just made that up

21:52Shanthi Ranganathan:no he did say that

21:53Romesh Ranganathan:I did not say when I smell a fart I think of my dad even if that was true I would not fucking tell anybody that like who would share that information what a memory of your dad just everybody we gathered here today to sort of remember our lost loved ones that is disgusting It's you. Ramesh, you've got a story. Yeah.

22:09Shanthi Ranganathan:It's him, it's him. Sorry.

22:10Romesh Ranganathan:Did you say that?

22:11Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah. I giggled. No, the line was different. I can't remember what it was. You said, whenever I smell a fart, I think of my death. No, I didn't say that. That isn't the line. I can't remember what the fit was. I guess you said exactly, I remember now. Mum said I can smell that. Then you said, oh, something. Yeah. It was something like... Mum said, yeah. Yeah, mum said, oh, I feel like I can still smell your father. And I said, oh, I hate to say it, but I just farted. That was it. That's different. I didn't say, I smell a fart. So you don't care. Oh, dad. Very different thing.

22:52Romesh Ranganathan:That's a funny line, by the way. Do you still do it? No. I just go for the unfunny shit. Okay, we're ready for the next one. Yeah. Why did we say mum, by the way? We both chose mum. Because mum, you know, I think...

23:07Shanthi Ranganathan:Give me an example. You lied about your age, didn't you? I lied... How old are you? Younger than us. Shut the fuck up, Romy. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

23:15Romesh Ranganathan:So that's exactly my point.

23:16Shanthi Ranganathan:Why do you want to know my age? Mum. Now, people have asked me, how old are you? Do I ever ask Derek? Mum, but there is an element they can guess. He's like... Doctor asked me... 47, I'm 45. For a medical reason.

23:26Romesh Ranganathan:You're not going to be 30. So what did the doctor ask you? Bloody nosy doctor asking my age. Can I have your date of birth? Yeah, fuck you. What's he going to do with you, doctor? Just give me the checkup. You don't need to do any other details.

23:43Romesh Ranganathan:You nosy bastard.

23:45Shanthi Ranganathan:They'll be very friendly with you. They'll carry on.

23:48Romesh Ranganathan:The doctors, yeah.

23:48Shanthi Ranganathan:Not doctors. I'm talking about normal people.

23:52Romesh Ranganathan:Doctors are normal people too. Yeah.

23:56Shanthi Ranganathan:When I socialise.

23:57Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, when you socialise. Is that right? Yeah.

23:59Shanthi Ranganathan:And they will be talking, Okay, Shandi, we'll do that coffee. Then suddenly they come out with, how old are you? Why the fuck do you want to know my age?

24:09Romesh Ranganathan:You don't actually say that, do you? I'm always surprised you don't. What do you say? What do you say? Din, can you imagine you're at a party? Let's do a role play. You've not done a role play on this before, have you? No, okay. So Will, you know what to do. He's the role play magician, that guy. He takes some average content, zhuzhes it up, and suddenly people go, I really like that, and you think there was nothing about it. So we've got 100 ,000 followers, eh? Yeah. Well, sorry, it's not that great. Okay. So, Mum, you're at a party. Din, you're a Sri Lankan man that happens to also...

24:44Romesh Ranganathan:Thanks for clearing that up. No, but like, you know what I mean. Off the boat. Not off the boat. You want me to do the accent? Yeah. You're comfortable doing that, too. Yeah, that's fine, yeah. You're allowed to. Yeah, I think so. It's only when Ben does it off camera that it's an issue. Just doing with Georgie. Yeah. He keeps chewing it whenever he's directing. Mummy seems to do it. It's like, Romesh, you're quite angry in this scene. And Shanti, you're a little bit frustrated, okay? Action.

25:12Romesh Ranganathan:Okay, so you're at a party. It's somebody else's birthday party. You've had a couple of drinks. You see mum, you know, you just start chatting to her, but you've not met her before, okay? Mum, you're mum. Okay. Okay, ready? And action. Oh, hello, Shanti. Oh, I don't know. Roleplay is more difficult than it seems. Now what you've done is you've fucked up early doors. Let's go again. Take two. And remember you don't know her. Okay. And action.

25:42Shanthi Ranganathan:Good afternoon to you. Good afternoon. How are you? I'm very well. You yourself? I'm fine. I'm perfectly okay. Tell me, how old are you?

25:51Romesh Ranganathan:The dickhead. You're supposed to naturally, you're supposed to have a little bit of fucking chill around it. I guess I do that. That goes straight in. No, just a little bit of chat. Imagine you want to try and get to know her a bit better. I don't want to try and chat with my mum. This is a role play. I don't want to role play with my mum if that's what we're going to do. This is a role play. Go on, touch her arm. Go on, touch her arm. No, just see how it goes. Okay, all right.

26:17Romesh Ranganathan:I'm not saying definitely. Take three and action.

26:23Shanthi Ranganathan:Oh, hello there. Hi, how are you? I'm very well. What brings you to this party? You invited me.

26:46Shanthi Ranganathan:You don't know each other. He invited me. That's why I'm here. So how does he know? It's scary to know that.

26:59Romesh Ranganathan:Why would he not know if he's invited you to a party? Hello, what are you doing at this party? So is he playing someone with dementia? Okay, take four. He's not invited you to the party. You're two people that have been invited to another party. Alright, take four and action. Oh, hello, how are you?

27:19Shanthi Ranganathan:Why are you putting the damn accent? Because he's Sri Lankan. That's not Sri Lankan. Hello, how are you?

27:30Shanthi Ranganathan:This is not Sri Lankan accent. Do a proper Sri Lankan accent. Take five. Why are you clapping every time? Yeah, I'm doing the action. He's a birthday boy. Birthday boy. All right, take five. And action. Oh, good afternoon. How are you? I'm fine, thank you. What brings you to this lovely party? No, I got the invitation. I just came. Who did you get the invitation from? Why do you want to know? I don't know.

27:59Romesh Ranganathan:Mum, he's so aggressive. I know. Why are you asking me? By the way, Din, who did you get the invitation from? You were both at the person's party.

28:06Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah, party. You should know. What a mad question. Use your brain from it, Dineshi. We have been invited to a party and you're asking me, whom did you get the invitation from? You can ask that. Somebody else would have invited you. And some different person invited me. you know yeah yeah that's possible yeah

28:26Romesh Ranganathan:take six oh no this is a new sign no take one and action oh this is a great party isn't it no not really oh boy what's wrong why don't you like it this crazy bat won't stop talking to me oh hello there how are you

28:39Shanthi Ranganathan:I'm fine thank you

28:40Romesh Ranganathan:my name is Ranjan and this is my friend Ganjan

28:46Shanthi Ranganathan:can you go with

28:47Romesh Ranganathan:Ganjan

28:49Shanthi Ranganathan:Ganjan means a different meaning

28:51Romesh Ranganathan:Ganjan not Ganjan It's stingy. Sometimes if the party goes well, both of us will be in London, if you know what I mean. Shut up. Hello. How are you enjoying the party?

29:02Shanthi Ranganathan:I'm enjoying it.

29:03Romesh Ranganathan:I cry like the food.

29:05Shanthi Ranganathan:I must realize that woman, I'm not talking like that. How do you enjoy the party? Do I talk like that?

29:09Romesh Ranganathan:I told you she was a crazy bitch. No, I was just saying it's a nice party.

29:13Shanthi Ranganathan:Okay, thank you so much. Nice party, Shanti. I'm enjoying as well.

29:17Romesh Ranganathan:What's your name?

29:19Shanthi Ranganathan:Shanti.

29:19Romesh Ranganathan:Oh, nice to meet you.

29:20Shanthi Ranganathan:Nice to meet you too.

29:21Romesh Ranganathan:Do you often go to parties?

29:23Shanthi Ranganathan:I do. I do.

29:25Romesh Ranganathan:Are you mocking me?

29:27Shanthi Ranganathan:I'm not mocking you.

29:29Romesh Ranganathan:Why are you shaking your head? Pardon? That's a natural thing I do. Is it?

29:35Shanthi Ranganathan:Okay.

29:36Romesh Ranganathan:They call me the Sri Lankan Stevie Wonder.

29:42Shanthi Ranganathan:That's not nice.

29:43Romesh Ranganathan:And might I say, Kanjit, isn't she lovely?

29:49Romesh Ranganathan:So tell me, how old are you, bitch? No, we are, you know, just elderly gentlemen trying to still have a good time, aren't we? Yeah. How old are you, Gunjan? 59. You're 59? Yeah. Okay. I'm 64. Why did you question me at 59? Which is quite young for the age that we're doing in this thing. I forgot, I'm 63. Okay. That sometimes happened to Gunjan.

30:17Shanthi Ranganathan:This is like, don't… Are you taking the mickey out of me? No, this is how I talk.

30:22Romesh Ranganathan:My name is Ranjan.

30:23Shanthi Ranganathan:Okay. Hello, Ranjan. Okay, hello again. Yeah, but as we wanted… Are you brothers? No, we're just friends. Because Kanjan and Ranjan, somebody… same person must have given you the name. Why? Ranjan Kanjan.

30:40Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, okay. Yeah. I'm taking quite a while to make that observation. I am very stingy.

30:46Romesh Ranganathan:Have you only just noticed it rhymes?

30:48Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah. I did. I did. Yeah.

30:51Romesh Ranganathan:We should actually bring our other friend. Sanjan. So, how old are you?

30:57Shanthi Ranganathan:Why the fuck do you want my age?

31:00Romesh Ranganathan:She's still role-playing. That is her.

31:02Shanthi Ranganathan:I don't like anybody asking my age.

31:04Romesh Ranganathan:Oh, why is that?

31:05Shanthi Ranganathan:I don't ask anybody.

31:06Romesh Ranganathan:Right. But we told you.

31:08Shanthi Ranganathan:Accept them as they are and enjoy.

31:09Romesh Ranganathan:We accept you as you are. but how old are you?

31:11Shanthi Ranganathan:You don't Are you a doctor?

31:13Romesh Ranganathan:No No

31:14Shanthi Ranganathan:Do you want to give me a medical check-up?

31:16Romesh Ranganathan:No This has got blue Is that a euphemism?

31:20Shanthi Ranganathan:Then only you ask the age

31:22Romesh Ranganathan:Okay In that case I would like to give you a medical check-up How old are you?

31:28Shanthi Ranganathan:You just told me you are not a doctor No How can you give me a medical check-up?

31:32Romesh Ranganathan:This is getting very Alright Alright Okay End scene End Yeah I don't think you would actually do that in a party Can I just explain part of the thing of the roleplay is you're supposed to do what you'd actually do at a party

31:43Shanthi Ranganathan:I'm playing my best made me laugh

31:46Romesh Ranganathan:if somebody said to you how old are you at a party you'd go why the fuck do you need to know I lie

31:50Shanthi Ranganathan:I lie to that also you're assuming mum would have that skill set right she doesn't roleplay and stuff is she you've done acting and bits she hasn't

31:58Romesh Ranganathan:no but she's playing herself at a party it's me I'm not asking her to play like a professor it's me your mother's dad did you not realise it's not a difficult role I mean Gunjan don't get me wrong that's a difficult role yeah it was a difficult role you don't know what his motivation is or anything we're supposed to do loads of those but it took so long we did nine takes of that role play that now we've had to move on it's time for our audience interaction section thank you to our listeners and viewers for our support Dinesh as I said to you earlier there'll cause for you to come back so listeners we heard you and just three months later voila bon appétit we love your WhatsApp messages voice notes are encouraged the number is 07731623355 or you can email podcast at rhangabi.com.

32:42Romesh Ranganathan:How many emails have we had so far? One. Still one? No one followed up. This week, all three of us are answering more of your questions and there's a distinct... Sometimes things are hard to say, aren't they? There's a distinct theme and it's crime and punishment. Are you ready, mum? Yes. Are you ready, Din? Yeah. Listen in.

33:02Shanthi Ranganathan:Hi, Ramesh and Shanti. My name is Liana and I am from Chiguel. I'm a huge fan of you both. I love watching your podcast and always look forward to having a good laugh after a long day of work. I also love Thursday episodes with Auntie Shanti, who is beautiful and amazing. And I have recently subscribed with your show. It will be nice to have Din in one of your episodes in the week, calling it the Three Rangers episode.

33:31Romesh Ranganathan:Okay, that's a bit.

33:32Shanthi Ranganathan:So my question is this. Rom, what is the most craziest or funniest prank you and Din have played towards Shanti in your childhood days, which still comes up in conversations today? And Shanti, what was your craziest or funniest prank you have played towards Rom and Din in their childhood days? Thank you.

33:54Romesh Ranganathan:Thanks, Leanna from Chigwell. Thank you. Thanks for your support. And you're welcome. We've got the big Don here. Mm-hmm. do you want to give a message to liana she really wants it done uh liana that was very kind of you um uh thanks for the support and uh yeah hope you enjoy i used to prank dad quite a bit yeah the cigarette thing yeah like he used to put like uh gunpowder like the little bangers in his the ends of his cigarettes yeah and he was having a business meeting and he lit a cigarette and it exploded.

34:26Shit!

34:29Shanthi Ranganathan:Another thing is coming out of the box?

34:30Romesh Ranganathan:No, then I came out of the box, yeah. Oh, yeah.

34:32Shanthi Ranganathan:No, what do you mean? It just came out of the box.

34:35Romesh Ranganathan:He shouted.

34:36Shanthi Ranganathan:He nearly had a heart attack that day.

34:38Romesh Ranganathan:It was bad. So I've told this story, haven't I? I'm sure I've told this story and I popped out of the box, yeah. Yeah, so good. Did you cover for each other like with girlfriends? Did you like...

34:48Shanthi Ranganathan:They never discuss things about girlfriends. We wouldn't get you to cover. I don't like girlfriends, okay? So you never discuss it. And that's why we didn't have girlfriends. Dad was very proud. He said, they are frightened to talk to you. Let them smash.

35:04Romesh Ranganathan:That was his old catchphrase, wasn't it?

35:06Shanthi Ranganathan:That bang, bang, bang. He used to chat to us about it, didn't he? Hey, the bang, bang, bang. He did. I was joking. He did. Punta, punta, punta. Hey, shut up, Romain. We know what that is. What? Shall I spell it for you in the writing? I can't say it. Okay. Why did you say that?

35:26Romesh Ranganathan:Why are you getting so...

35:27Shanthi Ranganathan:Really want to smack you. Why are you getting so angry? It's a rude word. I know.

35:31Romesh Ranganathan:Anyway, so dad was pretty chilled about that, wasn't he? Yeah, I think so. He didn't really talk to us about that, though, did he? He used to say to me, tried from behind.

35:40Shanthi Ranganathan:Oh, my God. Did he tell you that?

35:47Romesh Ranganathan:No, I'm just waking it up. I don't think I ever talked to him about anything like that, ever.

35:52Shanthi Ranganathan:Sometimes you come out with, it shock me.

35:54Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, sorry. No, he never used to talk about that. No, not really.

35:59Shanthi Ranganathan:Did he ever talk to your father about having a girlfriend? No. Never?

36:05Romesh Ranganathan:No. But he gave me the impression that you always talk to him about that.

36:11Shanthi Ranganathan:No, no.

36:12Romesh Ranganathan:Did he actually say that?

36:13Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah, he just said that. He didn't really.

36:14Romesh Ranganathan:I felt like dad was kind of quite light touch would be my description of dad's I don't remember having any advice

36:24Romesh Ranganathan:light touch otherwise it'll end too quickly if you know what I mean no he didn't but dad didn't share much with us did he really I don't remember actually having like a sit down conversation properly advice I don't think I remember ever having an advice

36:39Shanthi Ranganathan:I don't think dad is a very good he can keep his friends or keep in touch with them. I really don't know why. No, he's just very busy, wasn't he? No, I'm thinking why he didn't keep in touch. That's why. He must have gone through some sort of problem. So he doesn't keep in touch with anybody.

36:59Romesh Ranganathan:Okay, is there anything positive you want to say about our late father?

37:02Shanthi Ranganathan:He loved me, the beginning, for 20 years. And gave me beautiful sons. What did you do with them?

37:13Romesh Ranganathan:Leanna I hope that that was the prank based content you were hoping for

37:22Romesh Ranganathan:did mum ever play did you ever play a prank on us I don't think you did did you

37:24Shanthi Ranganathan:no never I never

37:26Romesh Ranganathan:do you remember when she used to get the get the crabs from the fishmong and then let them loose in the kitchen oh yeah it wasn't really a prank no it was more torture oh hold on she tried to make us taller yeah what we talked about Oh, did you? Yeah, she'd pick us up by our heads.

37:42Shanthi Ranganathan:I used to say that. And it didn't work. That's the problem. You will grow taller, so I get hold of their ears and lift them up.

37:51Romesh Ranganathan:And do you remember that time, did your mum ever do that thing to you where she got you like, did she buy you one of those little mini cheese graters and tell you just to take the outside surface of your scrotum off?

38:03Romesh Ranganathan:Did she ever do that to you? No. No, she didn't do that to you. What? No, she did that to you, right? Yeah. And then we sprinkled it on your Vionetta. Okay. Next one is a voice note from Georgia. Georgia. No? Hi, Ramesh and Shanti. My name's Georgia. Huge fan of the pod. And I'm actually quarter Sri Lankan myself. My grandfather was born in Kandi. I've been over a few times myself. And it's just the most amazing country. Anyway, I listen to the pod every Thursday on my way to work in the morning. I work in one of the biggest prisons in the UK and it got me thinking, if you guys were both sent to prison, A, who would last the longest and B, what would you be in there for?

38:52Romesh Ranganathan:So out of the three of us, who would last longest in prison?

38:56Shanthi Ranganathan:Him.

38:56Romesh Ranganathan:Last longest?

38:57Shanthi Ranganathan:Why? He will fight back.

39:00Romesh Ranganathan:Why do you think I would...

39:01Shanthi Ranganathan:You might say a joke to make them laugh and get away with things.

39:05Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah.

39:06Shanthi Ranganathan:But he will fight. Well, that's what we did in our childhood, though, wasn't it? When we were fat kids, we just made jokes to stop people beating us up. Yeah, I remember I sang the song, didn't I?

39:14Romesh Ranganathan:I think Dinesh might last the least long, actually. Because although you've got a bit of fire in your belly, you're also quite a pretty man. I think within a week, your name would be Danina. Danina? It could have just been Danina. You'd be chomping down on a veiny one week two. What is wrong with you? No, I do think you'd get wifey'd up.

39:39Shanthi Ranganathan:My pretty voice gets that, isn't it?

39:41Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. It's quite pretty. You'll be... You'll last ages, then. Nobody wants to look down and see one eye like that.

39:52Shanthi Ranganathan:You're putting yourself down.

39:54Romesh Ranganathan:Just blinking like a faulty doll.

39:59Shanthi Ranganathan:Tomas, don't put yourself down. Is that good for you?

40:03Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, so mum, you've been in women's prison, obviously.

40:06Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah.

40:08Romesh Ranganathan:People are going to believe.

40:09Shanthi Ranganathan:I've never been in a prison.

40:10Romesh Ranganathan:No, they're not going to believe. This is the question that Georgia asked. I can't believe she's been in prison. So what would you do to defend yourself, mum?

40:20Shanthi Ranganathan:Get too friendly with them.

40:21Romesh Ranganathan:Too friendly?

40:22Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah.

40:23Romesh Ranganathan:To defend yourself?

40:25Shanthi Ranganathan:Make them like me and they won't do anything. you know so or I will act I'm a religious person right and try to what do you call that meditation yeah and tell them the good things

40:40Romesh Ranganathan:yeah and keep away from it

40:42Shanthi Ranganathan:I actually don't think

40:43Romesh Ranganathan:that's a bad plan

40:44Shanthi Ranganathan:no yeah I got power if you touch me yeah no you've gone

40:50Romesh Ranganathan:and then what I do is what I do is I'd lead them in a meditation yeah I'd say close your eyes yeah breathe deeply and then while their eyes were closed, I'd shank the fuck out of all of them.

41:03Romesh Ranganathan:Boom, boom, boom, boom. This is rubbish. Okay, Georgia, I hope that was the prison content you were hoping for. Okay. This next question is from Milan. That's a cool name, isn't it? His wedding's next week. Let's go. Would that not be Milan? Fuck. Hi, rubbish and auntie Shanti. Milan here from London. My wife, Ravani, and I love listening to our podcast and also share your love of Lidl's Bakery. We're currently preparing for our wedding in Cape Town this Easter. My family is Gujarati and Ravani's is South African Tamil. We need some serious help with our playlist. Do you have any essential Tamil song recommendations that are guaranteed to get even all of the aunties and uncles on the dance floor?

41:51Thank you. Appreciate it. And also, if you are in Cape Town over Easter weekend, we'd love to have you attend.

42:00Romesh Ranganathan:I'd love to go. That's such a mad question. Thank you, Milan, for your message. Milan, you're still doing it. Yeah, that's how he's pronouncing it wrong.

42:10Shanthi Ranganathan:Is he in Italy? Where is he? South Africa? He just said it all, Mum. Okay, okay, okay. I got it wrong. Don't care. You're a birthday boy. Just calm down.

42:20Romesh Ranganathan:He did exactly the same as me. And you're not turning any rage onto him. What did I do? You complained like...

42:28Shanthi Ranganathan:No, he didn't do anything. Did nothing. He didn't attack me, you attacked me. Yeah, stop being so nasty to him. Narcissist.

42:38Romesh Ranganathan:Now go. Milan, thank you so much for your message. I don't know any Tamil songs at all. What are you laughing at? What about Surajani? What's that? That song?

42:49Shanthi Ranganathan:dingri dingale

42:52Romesh Ranganathan:what's that no

42:53Shanthi Ranganathan:there's an old song okay surangani surangani that's a singly song

42:58Romesh Ranganathan:how about this one kurvi oh yeah that won't get anyone dancing that you can't dance no no

43:04Shanthi Ranganathan:don't play that don't play that yeah no do it

43:07Romesh Ranganathan:why not surangani surangani or whatever surangani or whatever I don't play it why do you not want to play it

43:12Shanthi Ranganathan:okay okay play it

43:13Romesh Ranganathan:what's the problem with playing it

43:14Shanthi Ranganathan:you have to find the trend at the moment the people to dance. No, no, no, no. The guy asked for an older shalangan song the aunties will dance to. Okay, whatever song you know, play it then. What I'd love you to do, Kurvi, Kurvi. Do you know what Kurvi is?

43:34Romesh Ranganathan:A bird. Oh. Oh, right back in your face. Oh, that fucked up, didn't it? A little bit of backfire for you. Okay, Mum, have you got any songs to recommend?

43:43Shanthi Ranganathan:I have. I love the song. It's very, at the moment I like this song it's Tamil and Singhala mixed how do I let's say I can't get it on my phone man what do you not know the the title the title

44:07Romesh Ranganathan:what's your favourite wedding song then Glenn Lewis Fall Again which was our wedding song oh as in like you're talking about first song yeah but I'm talking about if you're like in the middle of the wedding yeah and you need it to pop off what's your favorite song oh i like really like 80s stuff i don't know yeah because of gun um bit rick astley never gonna give you up yeah that slaps

44:31Shanthi Ranganathan:classic that does slap mom what about you i like that song yeah okay what about you

44:36Romesh Ranganathan:anti-up mop that is a tune i think that's the wedding pop-off song if you know if the crowd's the right vibe i was gonna say yeah should we ask the npcs john i'd put living on a fair on that's a tune that is a great song Ben? Frank Sinatra New York, New York End of the Night All in a Big Sur that's a great End of Night choice Will? Wap? What about the Sex is on Fire is the other classic at the end Never Forget I thought you were dancing to Never Forget recently was I? on Instagram yeah on Sheridan's Instagram that got put on Instagram are you fucking kidding me? you're on stage leading it. That got put on Instagram.

45:20Romesh Ranganathan:I saw it. You're a good dancer,

45:24Shanthi Ranganathan:by the way. No,

45:25Romesh Ranganathan:that was a, so that was the last day in the thing.

45:27Shanthi Ranganathan:And I saw your VBC2. You were dancing with Sally and everybody else.

45:32Romesh Ranganathan:Okay. Fuck. It's actually spun me out. Oh, sorry. That was on Instagram. Yeah, I do. I see you. On stage dancing, when they played it. You were doing the big like, you know, right when the never bit kicks in.

45:44Shanthi Ranganathan:I love the rhythm though. You have, You dance well, man. Yes, it's true.

45:48Romesh Ranganathan:That's it for this Thursday. Thank you so much for listening and wishing me well for my birthday. We're going to be back on Monday with another exciting guest. Don't miss it. Dinesh, as you're our special, special, special guest, could you take us out of the podcast, please? Thank you for listening to the show with me. You know, you're able to freestyle it. Okay, good. Properly. Real energy. She already told me off. Hey, everyone. Thanks for watching. No, no, no. No, no. Hey, everyone. Thanks for watching. A bit more, a bit more. A bit more. Hey everyone, thanks for watching the Robbush Ragin' April show.

46:19Stop it. Stop watching the Robbush Ragin' April show. How about that? Up, up, up, up, up, up.

46:25Romesh Ranganathan:Go on. Get ready. Thanks for watching everyone. Thanks for watching everyone. Do I want to say -

46:30Shanthi Ranganathan:No, you sound very tired. Yeah. Do I? Because I've said this like eight times. Real energy. Thanks for watching. Like a man. I am a man. What do you want me to say? What's wrong with you? good like uh uh Rod Stewart's voice

46:52Romesh Ranganathan:no that's not a good note yeah just give it some just give it full fucking welly do you know what I mean like uh what's a good tip for you like uh Little John ah I can't do accents you're much better anyway try it uh thanks for watching everyone thank you very much for being with us at the Romesh Ranganay for your show I've spoken no it sounds like you are hungry. What? How can I sound hungry? I'm so confused.

47:20Shanthi Ranganathan:Say it nicely. Okay. I don't want to say it anymore. I'm not surprised. Yeah? Yeah.

47:26Romesh Ranganathan:It's like, should I give you an example of what I mean? Like, look, look, it's like really fucking, what's up, dumb shits? That's all from the Romesh Ranganathan show featuring my mum, Shanthi and my brother, Dinesh. Eat a bag of dicks, motherfuckers. Hope you enjoyed it. See you on Monday, bitches. You know, like that. You don't have to do it like that. No, no. I was going to say, that's probably why we're on 100 ,000 followers here. Just do it however you want to do it then. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Thanks a lot for joining everyone on the Romesh Ranganathan show. It's been a lot of fun to be with my mum, Shanti Ranganathan, and Romesh Ranganathan.

47:57I am Dinesh Nathan. Have a great evening. Happy birthday, Rom!

48:03Romesh Ranganathan:Happy, can we clear Stevie Wonder? Can we play? Can we just do this? Happy birthday to you. Just play with it. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Is this correct? Happy birthday. Happy birthday. See you later, Fox. Thank you so much for watching this episode of the Romesh Ranganathan Show. I've been told that some of you are watching this, enjoying it, wallowing in it, but you still haven't subscribed. That's mad behaviour. You're going to miss episodes. Very silly. So follow and subscribe to the Romesh Ranganathan Show on YouTube, Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts.

48:47Romesh Ranganathan:We drop new episodes every Monday and Thursday. On Monday, I'm here with amazing guests talking about their career, what they're up to, having a laugh with them. And then on Thursdays, I'm joined by my mum, widely regarded as the audience's favourite Ranganathan. And we answer your questions, your stories, and your family dilemmas. We'll be back on Monday with another great guest. And then mum will see you again on Thursday. Send your questions and stories to podcast at rangabee.com. voice note or text on 07731 623 355. We genuinely love hearing from you and there's a good chance you'll hear yourself on the show.

49:19Romesh Ranganathan:See you next time.

49:21Shanthi Ranganathan:Oh, shut up, Romesh.

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