Who's Buying ROUGH Toilet Paper?!

3:41Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah, and I said to Dinesh, why don't you wear high heels? You can buy shoes like that, isn't it?

3:47Romesh Ranganathan:With the lifts. How did he feel about that? It's nice for Dinesh to be catching strays. He's not even on the podcast. Dinesh is a decent height.

3:58Shanthi Ranganathan:He's a decent height compared to Tom, my man.

4:00Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, but mum, you can't... Maybe he's slightly...

4:04Shanthi Ranganathan:A few inches taller than me.

4:06Romesh Ranganathan:Dinesh?

4:07Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah.

4:07Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, he is, yeah. So what's wrong with that?

4:10Shanthi Ranganathan:Nothing wrong. Why are you saying...

4:12Romesh Ranganathan:It's just because you suggested he should wear lifts and you said he looked like a little girl.

4:15Shanthi Ranganathan:Just to make him laugh, that's all. Okay. No, I wasn't serious. Right.

4:19Romesh Ranganathan:But did you say that to him? No. I did. Okay, you're just saying on here. Okay, and how much do you love Tom Davis? A lot, a lot.

4:30Shanthi Ranganathan:His look and he's very calm and he always be nice to me. So if people are nice to me, I love them.

4:40Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, that's why you like these three suck-ups so much. Do you see him as a third son?

4:46Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah, why not? Why not? Yeah. Yes.

4:50Romesh Ranganathan:Okay, no need to elaborate. He's also a proper film star now, Mum.

4:55Shanthi Ranganathan:Is he? Paddington 2. Oh. Did you watch Paddington 2? No, I haven't. I haven't.

4:59Romesh Ranganathan:It's one of the greatest films ever made.

5:01Shanthi Ranganathan:Oh, I haven't seen it. Paddington 2. Heard about it.

5:04Romesh Ranganathan:Paddington 2.

5:05Shanthi Ranganathan:I don't have a partner to go with.

5:07Romesh Ranganathan:You can watch it at home.

5:09Shanthi Ranganathan:Can I?

5:09Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah.

5:10Shanthi Ranganathan:Netflix.

5:10Romesh Ranganathan:I don't think it's on Netflix. I'd love to watch it. You've got Sky, haven't you?

5:14Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah, I have. I have.

5:15Romesh Ranganathan:Okay, so you can probably watch it on there. Yeah. But it's one of the greatest films ever made. He's in Paddington 1. Tom Davis is. Isn't he? No. Paddington 2, when they go to the prison. Yeah, that's Paddington 1. Paddington 2. I think that's Paddington 1, when they go to prison. Nope. Nope. Paddington 1 is where Nicole Kidman's trying to get his fur because her dad's a collector. Yeah. No prison. No prison? Paddington 2 is the prison one. Jamie Dimitriou. Yeah. And who's the other guy? Hugh Grant. No, yeah. That's Paddington 2. Yeah. That's a great film, that.

5:56Shanthi Ranganathan:I haven't watched it.

5:57Romesh Ranganathan:No, neither has Ben, by the sounds of it.

6:03Romesh Ranganathan:Anyway, Paddington 2, one of the greatest films ever made. It was also in Wonka, but the team have said, because Tom's been in a couple of kids' films, that maybe we could do some kids' film impressions. We've done some impressions in the past, and it went well. So in a way that suggests no sort of originality or innovation, we're just going to go back to that well again. So what have we got? Paddington. Paddington. Can you do the impression of Paddington? Hello, Aunt Lucy. I would very much like a sandwich. Here's another one for you. I'm fixing you with an angry stare. There you go. That's my Paddington.

6:43Romesh Ranganathan:What do you think?

6:43Shanthi Ranganathan:Say that again. It was good.

6:47Romesh Ranganathan:Great. It was actually genuinely good. Willy Wonka?

6:50Shanthi Ranganathan:I don't know how they're told.

6:52Romesh Ranganathan:There's no way of knowing the places we're going. That's my Willy Wonka.

6:58Shanthi Ranganathan:Shall I?

6:58Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah.

7:00Shanthi Ranganathan:Say, what's the sentence?

7:02Romesh Ranganathan:There's no way of knowing the places we're going.

7:07Shanthi Ranganathan:There's no way of... No.

7:09Romesh Ranganathan:OK, well, you don't get angry with me. I didn't even ask you to do it.

7:12Shanthi Ranganathan:I can't read, yeah.

7:14Romesh Ranganathan:I think you can do the next one, though. OK, Mary Poppins. Mary Poppins.

7:18Shanthi Ranganathan:Teaspoon of sugar? Teaspoon of sugar. Teaspoon of sugar.

7:23Romesh Ranganathan:Okay. This is just... It's a spoonful of sugar, isn't it? Yeah, it is a spoonful of sugar. Yeah, it's written teaspoon. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Medicine go down. Medicine go down. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Can you have a go? I'm going to say this. Much is in the way of many sequels. This isn't as good as the first one.

7:49Shanthi Ranganathan:Do you want to have a go at that? Spit spot? Spit spot? There you go.

7:55Romesh Ranganathan:Oompa, loompa, dumper dee deshon. I don't think we should have gone back to impressions. Oompa, loompa, dumper dee doppings. Mum didn't want to do Mary Poppins. Oompa, loompa, dumper dee doppings. Why don't we have a go at the Muppets? Ready? Do the Muppets?

8:18Shanthi Ranganathan:No.

8:20Romesh Ranganathan:Kermie! Kermie, I love you, Kermie! Come back here, Kermie! Do you know who that is?

8:26Shanthi Ranganathan:Yes. Who? That pig say that.

8:33Shanthi Ranganathan:The pig say that? His girlfriend? Yeah. Okay.

8:38Romesh Ranganathan:Kermit's quite difficult, isn't he? Kermit. Hmm. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. that was good keep going

8:49Shanthi Ranganathan:I'm not sure

8:50Romesh Ranganathan:okay getting slightly further away

8:56Shanthi Ranganathan:okay right maybe you can interact if you're Kermit hello Kermit when are you going to take me out on a date Kermit can you take me out for dinner you, Kirby? No, I'm not. Why not? I hate you. Why do you hate me, Kirby? You are so ugly. Kirby, that's a horrible thing to say. I'm telling you the truth.

9:46Romesh Ranganathan:Tell me I love you Don't love me

9:57Okay

10:00Romesh Ranganathan:Brutal Yeah that was I mean I wasn't really being Miss Piggy there Because Miss Piggy would have thumped him for that I know If he'd have called her ugly What is the dynamic? He likes her? No I don't know. Do they both sort of like each other, but she's keener than him? No, she likes him. Yeah.

10:19Shanthi Ranganathan:He doesn't... You know men, how they behave. So he's just giving a, oh, I'm so big shot.

10:26Romesh Ranganathan:Kermit the Frog does not think he's a big shot.

10:29Shanthi Ranganathan:I think Miss Piggy has to lift him up, isn't it? He can't walk with those skinny legs.

10:36Romesh Ranganathan:I don't understand why it's so funny.

10:39Shanthi Ranganathan:He sits like that all night.

10:41Romesh Ranganathan:Okay. It's horrible Toy Story Who's in person Toy Story It's quite difficult to do Toy Story isn't it Do you remember any of the characters Yeah but it's still not To infinity And beyond I can't do Woody Woody is a Woody isn't it You know who I love Who's your favourite character in Toy Story

11:13Shanthi Ranganathan:are you awake i am awake i don't know i don't know the name what the fuck's going on

11:19Romesh Ranganathan:i thought i thought it feels like we've paused but we're actually recording this i know okay why did you shut down do you know any of the characters in toy story i can picture them but i don't know their names describe them for me one is a cowboy isn't it yeah buzz light uh Not Buzz Lightyear, Woody.

11:36Shanthi Ranganathan:Woody, yeah. With a scarf and everything.

11:38Romesh Ranganathan:A little handkerchief and a hat.

11:40Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah, that I remember. I can't remember anybody else. The big nose guy comes there? No.

11:49Romesh Ranganathan:I think you might be talking about Mr Potato Hood.

11:51Shanthi Ranganathan:Oh, no. No. No, I can't remember anybody else. Slinky? Hmm?

11:56Romesh Ranganathan:Slinky dog?

11:58Shanthi Ranganathan:Slinky dog.

11:59Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. No, I can't be... No.

12:02Shanthi Ranganathan:Why wouldn't I watch this program?

12:04Romesh Ranganathan:Okay, I'm going to say this, and I'm happy to involve the team in this. Toy Story, let's forget four and the imminent to arrive five. Yeah. The Toy Story trilogy is one of the greatest trilogies in the history of cinema. Who here knows Toy Story 3? Can we just discuss this for a moment? Because I think Toy Story 3 is the best one of the three, okay? I do think it's the best one of the three. There is a moment, spoiler alert, but it came out ages ago, so if I can get over it. Toy Story 3, does anybody remember? But Ben, I know you think it's in the prison with the Ewoks or whatever. So Toy Story 3 is when they go to the nursery and then they break out of the nursery.

12:46And then they end up in, and I know everybody knows this,

12:49Romesh Ranganathan:but they end up in a rubbish dump, right? And then they end up in an incinerator. And there is a moment where they all realise that they cannot escape heading towards the fire and the flames in the middle of the thing. And they just hold each other's hands and together they wait to get burnt by this thing. And it's one of the saddest things I've ever seen in a film. Spoiler alert, they get rescued. But the point is, in that moment, they think they're all going to die. No. It's unbelievable. And for that to be in a kid's film, people reference that moment loads. It's unbelievable. Sometimes you watch stuff like that and you go, I can't believe stuff can be this good.

13:32Romesh Ranganathan:Do you know what I mean? I guess in the same way that when people are watching the Thursday episodes, they get emotional. Do you know what I mean? How can a podcast operate at this level so regularly?

13:41Shanthi Ranganathan:When you want your spring break to feel like and your kid's pool day to feel like

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14:53Romesh Ranganathan:We do. Should we do some audience interaction? Now, this week, we're answering more of your questions. Sometimes we get a bit sidetracked with personal gripes. But we do try our best. We've got a voice note from Will. A quick bit of advice. There's a new lad that just started at my new work. And he has a problem with his smell. He smells horrible. Sweaty, be all. It's really bad. It almost knocks me out when he walks past me. That's how bad the smell is. Any advice on maybe telling him nicely or in a nice way? A lot of the lads joke about him, like take the piss out of him. I don't really like it.

15:36Romesh Ranganathan:It seems like some sort of bullying way, but what way can I get through to him to let him know?

15:41Shanthi Ranganathan:Do I tell a higher staff? Do I tell my boss? Can you help me out, please?

15:48Romesh Ranganathan:Thank you so much for your voice note, Will. So, I mean, Will sounds very nice, doesn't he?

15:54Shanthi Ranganathan:He sounds very nice and he cares about that other gentleman that people are taking the mickey out of him. I don't like to take anybody. If he can get friendly with him and tell him in such a nice way,

16:14Shanthi Ranganathan:or buy him a gift like deodorants and things But I prefer to tell the truth to him.

16:23Romesh Ranganathan:Okay. Should we try it now?

16:24Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah.

16:25Romesh Ranganathan:So you can represent Will, or you can be Shanti. You've started working with me, and I stink. All right? Are you ready?

16:34Shanthi Ranganathan:This is a bit awkward, isn't it?

16:36Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, that's the whole point we're setting up. Okay. Okay, so what's our work scenario? What do you mean? Where should we say that we're working?

16:46Shanthi Ranganathan:Royal male.

16:47Romesh Ranganathan:Royal male. Okay, good. Write what you know. So we're in the sorting office. I'm next to you on the machine.

16:55Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah.

16:56Romesh Ranganathan:Okay. And then you're wanting to talk to me because... Are you ready?

16:59Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah.

17:00Romesh Ranganathan:And action. Is that what you do?

17:03Shanthi Ranganathan:What the hell is that?

17:04Romesh Ranganathan:I'm sorting the post.

17:06Shanthi Ranganathan:Is that the way you sort the post? I don't know.

17:08Romesh Ranganathan:I've never worked at Royal Riverport. What's the movement?

17:11Shanthi Ranganathan:I don't work on the sorting. Oh, what do you do? I was on the machine.

17:16Romesh Ranganathan:Okay. So what do you do on the machine? Flat sorting machine. So what does that mean, though? All right.

17:20Shanthi Ranganathan:Okay. Never mind. Okay.

17:21Romesh Ranganathan:Let's just imagine the movement's right.

17:23Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah. Okay. Right. Okay. So if you carry on like that, how can I interrupt?

17:28Romesh Ranganathan:You can talk to me. I'm able to speak. I'm speaking to you now as I'm doing it.

17:33Shanthi Ranganathan:Hello, mate. Are you okay?

17:35Romesh Ranganathan:Hey, man. How's it going?

17:37Shanthi Ranganathan:I'm fine. Thank you.

17:38Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah.

17:39Shanthi Ranganathan:Okay.

17:40Romesh Ranganathan:It's bloody hard work on this, isn't it? It is. It is.

17:43Shanthi Ranganathan:You are sweating too much.

17:45Romesh Ranganathan:Pardon?

17:50Romesh Ranganathan:Well, yeah, it's hot work doing this. Bloody hell.

17:53Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah, I know, I know. So I found it difficult as well.

17:57Romesh Ranganathan:Did you? Yeah, yeah. Is that why you stink?

18:05Romesh Ranganathan:Honestly, you smell like a badger's crack. Has anyone ever told you that?

18:08Shanthi Ranganathan:You don't talk to a friend like that, yeah? Bloody hell, Ramesh.

18:11Romesh Ranganathan:You fucking stink, man.

18:12Shanthi Ranganathan:Such a nice way to tell you. Sorry, whoever you are.

18:17Romesh Ranganathan:Fucking hell, you stink.

18:20Shanthi Ranganathan:I would have slapped you.

18:21Romesh Ranganathan:Okay. No, sorry. I was being a prick there. So you've got to tell me. You've got to tell me.

18:25Shanthi Ranganathan:Okay. Okay. I only saw you just now. Oh, yeah.

18:27Romesh Ranganathan:It's good to see you, though.

18:28Shanthi Ranganathan:But you're sweating too much. Have you got any problem?

18:30Romesh Ranganathan:Have I got any problem? No, it's just hot in here. Do you know what I mean? Okay.

18:33Shanthi Ranganathan:Because you're doing it first. Yeah. That's the way you find it. Yeah.

18:36Romesh Ranganathan:What do you mean?

18:39Shanthi Ranganathan:Because it's a new thing that you are doing. Right, yeah.

18:42Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. I'm getting hot and sweaty. Yeah, so I find hot and sweaty. Bloody hell.

18:45Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah. I feel the same, but I do deodorant to get the smell out.

18:52Romesh Ranganathan:Do you want me to get you one? Do I want you to get me deodorant? I can get deodorant.

18:56Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah, but when's your birthday, by the way?

18:58Romesh Ranganathan:I think I'm all right.

18:59Shanthi Ranganathan:You're all right?

19:00Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. When's my birthday? Eight months' time. Why'd you ask?

19:05Shanthi Ranganathan:No, you're a nice person. I'm thinking of giving you a birthday present.

19:09Romesh Ranganathan:Well, it's not my birthday for ages. Thanks for asking.

19:13Shanthi Ranganathan:No, okay, then. I'll give you early present then. nice lovely pack of deodorant soap and everything is it okay you won't misunderstand no well i think it's very difficult to not

19:25Romesh Ranganathan:me i think i'm actually understanding you think i stink

19:27Shanthi Ranganathan:no i never said that well you're saying that my birthday my birthday is not i like your smell well you just said you're sweating a lot

19:34Romesh Ranganathan:and your birthday's in eight months but i'm gonna buy a selection of soaps and

19:37Shanthi Ranganathan:deodorants now yeah i'll buy it for you you're a nice

19:40Romesh Ranganathan:person okay thank you why don't we have a cup of

19:44Shanthi Ranganathan:tea yeah yeah together yeah just to please him oh i see and get to the point okay okay right i don't think that's that subtle and i don't like this action either okay fine but i was just trying

20:00Romesh Ranganathan:to add a bit of i don't know what you were doing by the way you lazy cow didn't sort a single thing you're fucking working my ass off no wonder you don't stink doing fuck all will thank you so much for your message. He seems very nice.

20:15Shanthi Ranganathan:He's a nice person, yeah.

20:17Romesh Ranganathan:You're not going to like my advice, Will. I don't think you should be subtle about it. In my opinion, what you want to think about is what you want the potential result to be. And the result is that this person has got a body odour that's making it socially difficult for him. You might not realise that people are talking about it. You're all talking about it. So actually, the kindest thing to do is the trickiest one. which is take him to one side and explain to him fairly directly what the situation is and then leave it up to him to take action on that or not. You know, you're benefiting him in the long run by a little bit of not inconvenience, but a little bit of discomfort now and having that conversation.

21:01Romesh Ranganathan:You're actually doing him a massive favor and you're probably making his working relationships better as a result. So, you know, this whole thing about trying to completely avoid upsetting him at all, he will feel the sting of your initial comment because nobody wants to be told something like that. But in the long term, it will benefit him massively. So I think have the hard conversation would be my advice. What do you think of that, Mum?

21:21Shanthi Ranganathan:Fantastic. Good advice. Great.

21:23Romesh Ranganathan:Thank you. Thank you so much. OK, we've got another voice note.

21:27Shanthi Ranganathan:Hello, guys. I'm a first time listener to the podcast. Saw your number at the end of the podcast. I thought, hey, why not? I've been a fan of Ramesh for a long time. I just want to thank Ramesh for introducing my partner to the deep fried cauliflower or the Gobi 65. My partner ordered three main meals worth of the delicious Gobi and it made him sick. And he now cannot look at cauliflower without doing a full body shiver. So cheers for that, mate. Here's my dilemma. So I'm getting married in July. I'm very excited. And I asked my best friend to be my maid of honour. she has organised a hen do for me, which is supposed to be a surprise.

22:12Shanthi Ranganathan:She invited my in-laws, some other friends and family friends. You know, you know hen do's work. So this was supposed to be a surprise organised by her and she's worked really hard on it. However, my mum has unveiled the surprise to me. obviously I'm quite annoyed and a little bit upset that my mum would do that but I want to ask you this am I unreasonable for asking my mum to tell my maid of honour that she has ruined the surprise or do I say nothing act surprised when I walk in and let my mum get away with potentially deliberately ruining the surprise. Cheers, guys. Looking forward to hearing what you've got to say.

23:04Shanthi Ranganathan:Bye.

23:05Romesh Ranganathan:Thank you so much, Anonymous Voice Note.

23:07Shanthi Ranganathan:Thank you, darling.

23:09Romesh Ranganathan:Sorry about the Gobi thing.

23:11Shanthi Ranganathan:Why did you enjoy the Gobi?

23:12Romesh Ranganathan:I did off-menu podcasts and I recommended Gobi 65. And then a lot of people have got into Gobi 65 as a direct result of my influence. You know Gobi 65?

23:23Shanthi Ranganathan:Of course, the cauliflower.

23:24Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. And this guy can't eat cauliflower anymore.

23:27Shanthi Ranganathan:Why is that? Because he's put him off completely?

23:29Romesh Ranganathan:I think, I mean, it was in the voice. All right.

23:32Shanthi Ranganathan:Okay.

23:32Romesh Ranganathan:It's difficult to know what message, what information you're retaining and not. Okay. So what do you think? What's your advice? The mother has spoiled the surprise of the Hindu.

23:42Shanthi Ranganathan:You know, a lot of mothers make that mistake. Oh, she's my daughter. I better tell her.

23:47Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah.

23:48Shanthi Ranganathan:And keep it a secret. You know, don't ever say to anybody that I told you.

23:52Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah.

23:53Shanthi Ranganathan:But it's backfired sometimes.

23:55Romesh Ranganathan:Mm.

23:56Shanthi Ranganathan:that this lady is asking, why did she tell me? Spoil the surprise.

24:01Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah.

24:02Shanthi Ranganathan:It's your mother, for God's sake, forgive her and pretend that you don't know. It's a surprise. That's what I would do.

24:10Romesh Ranganathan:Okay. Thank you, Mum. Great advice. I actually, I think we needed like a sting for this or a drum roll or something. I agree completely with my mum's advice, actually.

24:21Shanthi Ranganathan:Thank you, my son.

24:23Romesh Ranganathan:It's unusual. But the truth is that, look, I think your mum was wrong for spoiling the Henday surprise, and I don't know what... You haven't sort of gone into the details of what the motivation is. So you said, I think you sort of said possibly deliberately, or she just couldn't keep the secret or whatever.

24:40Shanthi Ranganathan:Not deliberately, I don't think she would know.

24:42Romesh Ranganathan:Well, you don't know.

24:43Shanthi Ranganathan:Learn to forgive your mother. Mother, too much love they have, they do sometimes stupid things which the son doesn't like or daughter doesn't like.

24:52Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, I've got no experience with that. But what I would say is I think two things. One, what is to be gained from telling the maid of honour that the surprise has been spoiled? You're going to upset your mum and you're going to upset the maid of honour. For what? What's the result you're trying to get from that? I don't understand what benefit there is. You know, sometimes you've just got to look at the net sum happiness quotient and the truth is you're going to make two people sad and I don't see how anybody gets happier by that. So I think in my advice to you, don't say anything, but your mum has committed what we call in this game a misdemeanour.

25:33Romesh Ranganathan:So I think you should, you know, if it's bothering you, which it sounds like it is because you want your mum to fess up, I think you need to talk to your mum about why she felt motivated to tell you what the surprise was and to say to her going forward, if one of my friends does organise a surprise or anything like that, could you please be kind enough to not spoil it for me because I was a bit disappointed that you did in that instance. And that's how I would deal with it personally. What do you think, mum?

25:58Shanthi Ranganathan:Always love your mother.

26:01Romesh Ranganathan:Okay, great. Have we got time for another? Yeah. Okay, here is Tash via WhatsApp message. Hello, Ramesh and Shanti. Love your show and your banter, especially when you drop the F-bomb. Well, fucking thanks. I wish my mum did that too. Do you want to give them a... Fuck off. There you go. Any others?

26:23Shanthi Ranganathan:Any others? For everybody I said fuck off.

26:26Romesh Ranganathan:What about go fuck yourself?

26:27Shanthi Ranganathan:Go fuck yourself, I've said that.

26:30Romesh Ranganathan:Stick it up your fucking ass? One of the guy at work, he did something. What about stick it up?

26:36Shanthi Ranganathan:Stick it up your ass, yeah. Fucking ass. Fucking ass, yeah.

26:40Romesh Ranganathan:Alright, carry on.

26:40Shanthi Ranganathan:And one guy did something which I don't like.

26:43Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah.

26:44Shanthi Ranganathan:So I got so angry, I went and shot in front of him and I said, Where's your fucking brain, I said. Good job I didn't get the sack.

26:53Romesh Ranganathan:Very good.

26:53Shanthi Ranganathan:There you are.

26:54Romesh Ranganathan:What about, fuck you, you fucking fucker?

26:58Shanthi Ranganathan:You are making me say the fuck, fuck, fuck. Okay?

27:01Romesh Ranganathan:Well, well done for swerving that. This question is for both of you. I'm from India and I'm dating a white boy. We live together and some of our cultural differences have always been a topic of debate discussion, like using a bidet versus toilet paper, wearing home slippers, talking to my mum every day on video call, et cetera. Do you have any advice for me to bring him on board on certain things like washing his bum and normalise some cultural aspects like being close to my family? Ramesh, do you have any advice on bringing a white partner into a brown family? Thank you. Much love, Tash. Mum?

27:40Shanthi Ranganathan:If my son, you know, getting married, we never had that problem. Oh, wash yourself. What's wrong with that? Wash yourself or take a toilet tissue. Toilet tissue. Yeah, toilet tissue.

27:52Romesh Ranganathan:Just toilet tissue.

27:53Shanthi Ranganathan:That's it. Yeah, there are so many beautiful things.

27:56Romesh Ranganathan:What do you mean? What's going on here?

27:58Shanthi Ranganathan:There are so many different type of toilet tissue. Right. Soft one, rough one. Rough one? And the perfume one.

28:05Romesh Ranganathan:Right. Take something. Who's buying rough toilet paper?

28:08Shanthi Ranganathan:Some people do. What? Some people do.

28:10Romesh Ranganathan:So do you... I don't want to get into this really. Do you wash your arse?

28:16Shanthi Ranganathan:I wash my ass

28:18Romesh Ranganathan:Every time you poop

28:20Shanthi Ranganathan:Every time

28:21Romesh Ranganathan:So what happens when you poop out of home

28:24Shanthi Ranganathan:I pray to the Lord in the morning I do the first thing in the morning, empty my

28:30Romesh Ranganathan:You do an ablution

28:31Shanthi Ranganathan:And wash, have a shower or wash myself Don't make me go to the public toilets or anywhere else That's it I'm telling you the truth It kills me

28:52Shanthi Ranganathan:You don't know who pissed on it, is it?

28:55Romesh Ranganathan:You pray to not have to use a public toilet I do pray Please Don't

29:01Shanthi Ranganathan:No, I don't have to go to the toilets anywhere else Including my son's house I don't I don't I go home No If I had to Yeah Yeah

29:11Romesh Ranganathan:Okay, good Does it work?

29:13Shanthi Ranganathan:It works

29:14Romesh Ranganathan:You've never shut outside? No, I don't like it. Even for me, that was bad.

29:20Shanthi Ranganathan:The gut health is most important. So I eat loads of fruits now. In Lidl, can I say? Cut it off, you know, like that. I buy loads of fruits and that helps.

29:32Romesh Ranganathan:Of all of the things that you've said on this podcast, why do you think the thing we'd have to cut is I buy loads of fruit in Lidl?

29:38Shanthi Ranganathan:I'm advertising Lidl. I don't want to.

29:41Romesh Ranganathan:Why don't you want to advertise Lidl? You use them. That's the most authentic advert you could give.

29:45Shanthi Ranganathan:There are beautiful fruits there. They have got reasonably priced. Okay.

29:51Romesh Ranganathan:It's becoming a read now.

29:51Shanthi Ranganathan:All the Rolls Royce and Ben's Cars there.

29:55Romesh Ranganathan:They've got all the money.

29:56Shanthi Ranganathan:They park it in Lidl and do the shopping and go.

30:00Romesh Ranganathan:Okay.

30:00Shanthi Ranganathan:But they will spend the money on... Cars. Not cars. Did I say designer clothes?

30:06Romesh Ranganathan:Designer clothes. Yeah.

30:08Shanthi Ranganathan:So they go there. But I found it. It's lovely fruit. and even the pastry and stuff.

30:15Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, okay, all right. I mean, I said it's fine to talk about it, but fucking want a 60-second reader.

30:22Shanthi Ranganathan:We are not going out. Okay, right. All right.

30:24Romesh Ranganathan:Okay, fine. It's a good bakery, though, isn't it?

30:26Shanthi Ranganathan:It is. John.

30:31Shanthi Ranganathan:Three things for$187. The price is incredible.

30:35Romesh Ranganathan:Price is incredible.

30:44Romesh Ranganathan:We need to get on the phones and we're gone. Jesus Christ, we need a back payment on this. That was insane.

30:49Shanthi Ranganathan:Oh my God.

30:50Romesh Ranganathan:That was insane. It's the most enthusiastic I've heard you talk about anything.

30:54Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah. Only thing that annoys me, why the rich people go there? Because they can afford to buy everything. Yeah. Maybe it's a good quality. German, German cars, you know, German cars.

31:08Romesh Ranganathan:Right there. So you regularly shop at Lidl?

31:12Shanthi Ranganathan:Sometimes I go and get my fruit. Yeah.

31:15Romesh Ranganathan:Okay. But you're saying you don't use the toilet. There's okay because it's so lovely. No, I won't. My mum's saying basically.

31:20Shanthi Ranganathan:Basically, eat the fruit.

31:22Romesh Ranganathan:And it makes you shit.

31:23Shanthi Ranganathan:Shit in the morning.

31:25Romesh Ranganathan:How often are you pooping a day?

31:27Shanthi Ranganathan:Once a day, you know.

31:28Romesh Ranganathan:John?

31:29Shanthi Ranganathan:I think twice.

31:30Romesh Ranganathan:Will? Ben? A day. I think 0.5. 0.5 a day. You shit every other day. I don't think I need to go every day. Ah, some people have got that. Medical advice would suggest you do.

31:47Shanthi Ranganathan:No, it's not medical advice. No, it's not medical advice. Some people have that habit. Because sometimes when you go somewhere, you try to control it. You don't want to go to the toilet. So you have to postpone for the following day. It's not a medical thing.

32:03Romesh Ranganathan:Mum, it's not replying to an email. If you need to... Sorry, are people able to go, No, I don't feel like it. I'll do it tomorrow.

32:10Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah, some people have the ability to control the shit anyway.

32:14Romesh Ranganathan:Okay, fine.

32:16Shanthi Ranganathan:Eat lots of fruits, darling. Go to Lidl. Buy some fruits. Gobble it.

32:24I don't know what to say.

32:25Romesh Ranganathan:No. And nor should you. You know what I'm thinking of doing, genuinely? So while I've been doing the play, they've been putting me up in the Londoner.

32:35Shanthi Ranganathan:Yeah.

32:35Romesh Ranganathan:And that hotel has got Japanese toilet in the toilet. Okay. Do you know what I mean by Japanese toilet? Heated seat.

32:43Shanthi Ranganathan:Oh.

32:44Romesh Ranganathan:It's got a little jet that shoots straight into the ring after you've finished. And it's directable. What do you mean, asshole? No. I mean your wedding ring.

33:00Romesh Ranganathan:Everybody knew what I meant.

33:04Shanthi Ranganathan:you might have so many other rings there

33:06Romesh Ranganathan:yeah you're right would you buy the whole team one like a Japanese toilet would I buy the whole team one yeah I'd like one in all seriousness I'm getting one I want to get Japanese toilets for the house I'd quite like one you'd like one do you want one yeah I'd love one fuck you

33:28Shanthi Ranganathan:Jesus Christ

33:29Romesh Ranganathan:it's because of the mutton rolls

33:31Shanthi Ranganathan:They're about two grand each, aren't they?

33:33Romesh Ranganathan:It depends which brand you get, but I've been doing a lot of looking. Initially, my plan was to completely kit the house out, but the kids don't need a directable ring jet. Do you have some spares? Do I have spare Japanese toilets? No, I didn't buy them and go, where should we put them? You make the position decision first. I didn't phone up and go, can you send me 10 Japanese toilets? Where the fuck are these going to go? Next time you come around my house, there's one in the living room. Well, we didn't know where else to put it.

34:01Shanthi Ranganathan:I think you had to check it with the builders first. Do you reckon? Yeah, because otherwise you had to get a Japanese builder.

34:09Romesh Ranganathan:Anyway, they've got the Japanese toilet.

34:15Romesh Ranganathan:And then you can just do that if you want. It's incredible. And you can change the temperature. Hot water. How do you clean the hose of those? Yeah. It doesn't go into your arsehole. It's shooting from a distance.

34:30Shanthi Ranganathan:So you have to position the ass for the shooting shot.

34:42Romesh Ranganathan:Not a most highbrower. What does it feel like? It's quite a surprise, but it's just like, I just think the hygiene is just amazing. Do you know what scene has stayed with me for my entire life from a film? and the film came out a long time ago. Demolition Man. He wakes up in the future and then he goes to the toilet and there's three like seashells. I've always wondered what those seashells do. I mean, they don't do anything because it's just a fictional film. But I've always wanted a toilet with three seashells that do random stuff. I might actually ask for custom seashells like Demolition. I might ask for a Demolition Man themed toilet.

35:20Romesh Ranganathan:What do you think?

35:22Shanthi Ranganathan:It's up to you, man. Your house, have the shell or do anything. Or dig. Stuck a dicker there.

35:28Romesh Ranganathan:Stickers what? Stuck a dicker there? I'm pretty sure he said stuck a dicker there. What does that mean?

35:37Shanthi Ranganathan:Why would you put seashell there?

35:39Romesh Ranganathan:Sheeshells. Anyway, should we wrap up? This has been, is any of that usable, do we think? It was mostly Lidl and shit. Maybe that should be the name for this episode. LAUGHTER

35:53Shanthi Ranganathan:LAUGHTER

35:57Romesh Ranganathan:That is it for this Thursday. Thank you so much for listening and watching. We'll be back on Monday with another exciting guest. Love you. Bye. Do you want to say bye? Bye-bye. Love you all. Thank you so much for watching this episode of The Romesh Ranganathan Show. I've been told that some of you are watching this, enjoying it, wallowing in it, but you still haven't subscribed. That's mad behaviour. You're going to miss episodes. Very silly. So follow and subscribe to The Romesh Ranganathan Show on YouTube, Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. We drop new episodes every Monday and Thursday.

36:26Romesh Ranganathan:On Monday, I'm here with amazing guests talking about their career, what they're up to, having a laugh with them. And then on Thursdays, I'm joined by my mum, widely regarded as the audience's favourite Ranganathan. And we answer your questions, your stories and your family dilemmas. We'll be back on Monday with another great guest and then mum will see you again on Thursday. Send your questions and stories to podcast at rangabee.com Voice note or text on 07731 623 355. We genuinely love hearing from you, and there's a good chance you'll hear yourself on the show. See you next time.

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