Why Do Mums Ignore Boundaries?

0:00Welcome back to the Thursday edition of the Romesh Ranganathan show. It's a new year, but I'm happy to say that I'm still here with the team and of course my mum. Shanti. If you're noticing a difference in my energy is because I saw online one of the comments was that my opening to these is too high energy. So I've decided to bring it down a little bit, turn the heat down a little bit and have a more relaxed opening to the podcast. Every Thursday, we sit down, chat about Monday's episode, hear your dilemmas and hold space. By the way, make sure you subscribe on YouTube or hit follow wherever you get your podcasts.

0:36It genuinely helps us out especially these three povos and mum gets a real kick out of watching the numbers go up mum we're now into 2026 can i get out oh nice um mum news resolutions uh it's a lot it's a lot yeah um i can't tell you but i have got so many do let me tell you something what you've done is you've confused news resolutions with birthday wish. You are allowed to tell me. No, birthday wish, no, new year resolution. Yeah. I don't want to say more you, but I want to see you more. Learn things, okay? Learn a lot of things. Learn a lot of things? Like what sort of thing? General thing which I'm dumb idiot, you think, so.

1:27Okay, do you want to narrow it down? No. You think that I don't have a computer knowledge? So I'm going to improve. You're going to improve computers and stuff. Yes. How are you going to do that? Get a teacher. A teacher? Yeah. A computer teacher. Good-looking teacher. Good-looking teacher. And I learn, yeah. Right. Okay. Okay. All right. What sort of things do you want? Because can I be honest with you? Yeah. I don't think this is like, there's not enough direction to that. I want to learn about computers. What do you want to be able to do? I should be able to do anything you ask, especially putting the list.

2:04I did it, you didn't believe, did you? You still went on and on with your brother. And he was laughing. That boy, when he's alone, he's a totally different boy. When he's with you, you are a bad influence. I'm a bad influence. Yeah, you are. Did you? He was digging into it. Oh, shall we talk about mum's list? What's wrong with the list? Anyway, new year, new podcast

2:48With me, Shanti Mum, listen, in all seriousness We gave you too much of a hard time about the list You did, you did Because I didn't think you did the list yourself You are going again No, I'm saying I didn't, but now I do. Because you insisted. And I didn't want it to carry on. But you did the list. You did the list. You didn't start. Dinesh started it. Dinesh started what? Thank you. But you just said, I'm a bad influence. No, he gets excited when he sees you. What's the word? Adrenaline? Adrenaline, yeah. Yeah. Of course, he said, laughing and saying things. Yeah. Felt like smacking last week.

3:31But I thought, podcast, so keep my mouth shut. And I didn't do it. But you did do the list yourself, didn't you? I did. In between, you are sneaking that question. No, I'm not. Are you a lawyer? No. Because when lawyers question people, they put the question in different ways. Right. The idiot will answer, say, yes, I did it. Yeah. So don't play that game with me. I'm not playing any game with you. You are. I'm not playing any game with you. You are not a lawyer. I'm not a lawyer. I'm not a maths teacher. Okay. I'm not a maths teacher.

4:07Anyway. Okay. So how did you put the list together? Bloody hell, fuck over me. Can I ask, why do you not think she can write a list from an impartial point of view? I don't understand why you wouldn't think she could do that. First of all, can I refute the idea that you're impartial? Okay. Your job on this, your role in this is to be a troll. by the way i watched recently back one of the do you know you did something incredibly offensive do you remember when the jolly hog yeah sent us the free stuff yeah do you know are you aware that you offered me some of the meat a vegan of 13 years are you aware of that how offensive that is yeah he tried to give me pig you're a troll but what's the rest of your question you've got people He only saw this text.

4:56You've got people in your house that... Eat meat. Eat meat. Yeah, but I don't get... No, I'm saying... You could have given it to them. I was just like, you can have... I felt bad because you didn't have any... Meat. Meat. Well, presents. If you felt really bad, you could have fucking sorted out some vegan option, couldn't you? Then he wanted to send you a vegan option. It's all pig pig, isn't it? It's all pig pig. Have you eaten any of it? Yes, I have. What did you have? I had a honey roast or something and I cooked on it. It was lovely. Sausage, I think. Okay, great. Anyway, Ben, what's the rest of your point?

5:33No, I just wondered why you wouldn't think she could do that. Because it was in a note. She did it in the notes app, which I've never seen her use before, or Access. And then it was formatted with a series of tick boxes next to it. Right? What's happening to your face now? Now I'm starting to get suspicious. No, don't be suspicious, Mar. Now I'm sorry. Okay, now we've got a problem here. Because up until about 30 seconds ago, I thought you did the list yourself. I did. Well, let me show you what your face did.

6:08You know why I did that? Why did it do that? You're going back again to the list. Why are you so... He asked me about the list. I'm answering a question. The people are going to get fed up. Thierry Henry.

6:26When the list comes up.

6:32Anyway, we need to fucking move on. It's been about 40 minutes. Mum, what's the worst job you ever had? Worst job? Yeah. Job? Yeah. Christ. Cleaning. Cleaning, yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, can I take a moment to be serious? When we first descended into our funk, house got repossessed, we were in the bed and breakfast, dad got locked up. You went and cleaned, you got a job at the industrial estate and you were cleaning toilets and all sorts. I did, I did. Just to make ends meet. It was, you know, you worked very hard. I remember even as a child being very impressed by how much grind you put in just to help us out.

7:15So thank you, well done. Because in Sri Lanka, I was comfortable and my mum was a school teacher. I had a comfortable life and I had a beautiful house. But usually, you come here to make your life better. But my mind went the other way around. And that's all right, doesn't it? What do you mean that's all right? Now it's all right. Because you are here. That's why. You've got enough money to... When you say these things, mum, I really, really appreciate. Then the next minute, you will say, how did you write the list? I'm not saying that. Thank God for that. All I'm saying is you're in a much better position now.

7:51I am. You've got a lovely house, lovely car, your children love you. You can afford to have people show you how to do a list. Now, it's a new year, but it doesn't mean your friends and family are any less annoying. This week, we're answering more of your dilemmas and there's a distinct theme of boundaries and boundary crossing for this week. You're a fucker, I am. What a fucker. It's bothering them. How did she manage to do it? It's not. It doesn't bother me. If I come and ask you, can we put the Christmas leaf? Yeah, come tomorrow. Then you disappear forever. So I found a way of doing it. Okay.

8:28And what was that way? You are not a lawyer asking the question different way. I'm not going to answer. I did it, okay? On your own? On my own. Yeah? No help at all? No. Because can I tell you what I think? I'm starting to think that old troll master troll over there might have had something to do with the list. Maybe. We've got... Maybe! Maybe. We've got something from... Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Stop. Charlie. Stop. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up, both of you. I have given you something to break your head, okay? Work at it. Yeah. Yeah. Did Ben help you with the list? Why would I tell you?

9:17So he did then? Whatever you think. You won't get the answer from me. Fuck off.

9:28Ben, did you help mum with the list? No. We've got to move on. Ben, Ben, did you help mum with the list? No. No.

9:41If I find out that either of you are lying, Yeah. What are you going to do? Shoot me? No. I'm not going to shoot you. I'm mad that that's your go-to thing that you think I do. I don't know what. If I find out that the other people are lying to me, what are you going to do? I don't talk like that. You do? I don't know why. There'll be consequences. Okay. All right? Okay. For both of you. Both of us? Yeah. And by the way, that includes, Ben, if I find out that you know that mum had help with the list and you've kept your mouth shut, there'll be consequences. What does he mean? If you know anything about this list that I don't know about and you're keeping it to yourself, there'll be consequences for you.

10:25John, nothing for you. Okay, now... This is like... He's just adorable, John. I can't do anything to that guy. Look at his face. I'm not going to do anything to him. He could literally shag Lisa and go, sorry for setting that opportunity up for you. Doesn't she mind? Doesn't she mind? You're offering Lisa. I'm not offering her.

10:49That's what you're doing. No, it's not. I'm not offering her. God. Anyway. Happy New Year. Okay, let's do it. We've got a question, Mum, from Charlie. Hi, Ashanti and Ramesh. I have a question, and I'd love to hear both your perspectives. my mum is absolutely wonderful but she does struggle with it's difficult for me to I can't relate to this sorry god I'm only joking I just did I wanted to do a little gag anyway go on my mum is absolutely wonderful but she does struggle with boundaries for example I have told her 785 times to please not call me during work hours because I am super busy and when she calls me I tend to worry that something's wrong because obviously I tell her not to call me during work hours unless there's something wrong and she still will call me she calls me for recipes just to say hello and it makes me feel like she doesn't take my job seriously and it's really frustrating she also rings my sister at work just to have a chat on her actual work line I mean we're adult children and I'm 37 and my sister's like 43.

12:02So it's really frustrating and I don't want to tell her off, but it just continues to happen. If this was you, what would you do? Mum. Yes. What do you think about this situation? That's her mum, okay? Yeah. Here we go. She likes to talk to her. Maybe she's feeling lonely. Right. everybody's going to get lonely one day. So this lady has to put herself into that mother's situation and be kind to her. Mum is mum. She should answer the phone call. Charlie, listen, one of the issues you've got is some mums, they just think that they can do whatever the fuck they want. No. It doesn't matter. What? No.

12:51Mum is a very special person. Yeah, mums are very special, but sometimes they don't understand there's, you know, such a thing as fucking personal space and just leave it. Just, ish. Just for five seconds. Do I poke my nose into your business? I'm not, I'm advising Charlie. You've deserted, you're out, right? Yeah, I'm out, yeah. Charlie, sometimes mums can just be irritating and annoying and they don't know when to just leave you the hell alone. And it could be just non-stop. Even if you tell them not to phone. No, in all seriousness, here's what I think. I'm going to address your thing. You're very good at this.

13:30When you know I'm at work, you don't bother me at all. I don't bother, no. You're very good. Yeah. In answer to your question, Charlie, if you're not being called on your work line, I don't know why you can't just not answer. That's what I do. You know, if you're busy, you can just not answer the phone, right? And then arrange a time to speak later. Do you not think? Yeah, quickly text her. Yeah. I'll call you mum, I like what you do. I'll call you as soon as possible. And you never hear from you, so she could do that. And then with regards to the sister on the work line, that's a slightly trickier one.

14:07I would say maybe ask your work to block her number. Oh my God, what kind of son are you? Are you saying this? I think so. Block mother's number? I think I'm saying it. So she had a heart attack. What will happen? Where did the heart attack come from? You told me, when you have a heart attack, call the ambulance, you said at once. Yeah. You all didn't, I don't know. No, okay, this is what happened, all right? Mum said, when I call, you don't answer. What if I'm having a heart attack? And I said, if you're having a heart attack, why would I be the first person you call? You've got to phone the hospital, right?

14:44And then call us and go, ambulance is on its way. God. In all fairness, mom, you do call up some, you do text sometimes, I go call me urgently. And then I phone you and you go, what's wrong with you? That's happened long time while you were teaching. Okay. I get a text message. I'm sorry. You haven't talked about the flying together to Canada thing. That happened long, that happened 25 years ago. Yeah. But you were allowed to bring that up. You were so fucking rude that day. You were. Yeah. So once, once, Mom, she texted me. She called me urgently. I called her. I said, what is it? She goes, do you know anybody that can help me with her Nords list of Christmas ingredients?

15:34Who helped you with the list? We've got another. We've got one more. Anyway, Charlie, hope that helps.

16:07Dan from Newcastle. Hi Romesh and Shanti, it's Dan from Newcastle. Just want to know your thoughts on what when people send you text messages when you haven't actually a follow-up text message to a message you have not even read yet. So for context, my mom and my sister will text me sometimes and I won't answer straight away because of looking after my son or being at work etc. and if I don't reply straight away within five or ten minutes, I get a question mark, text message afterwards. It's really annoying. So does that happen to you? And how would you feel if that happened to you? I do confront them about it, but I just want to know what your take is.

16:53Thank you, Dan, for your voice note. Sounds like he's on the move, doesn't it, while he's recording that. What's your advice, Mum? My advice that it's done, isn't it? Yeah. Okay. Please answer the phone because you don't know how long she's going to live here. One day you'll be sitting and crying. Oh, mum is gone. What life I am leading now. So don't create that thing. He's looking after his son. He's not always able to answer the phone. And he's not even talking about a phone call. He's talking about a text. What about this thing? only eight years. Text he's talking about. Yeah, put that and just read the text.

17:36Yeah, but he's saying sometimes he doesn't get to it because he's in the middle of something. I don't know, I don't know. All about mum. Mum is calling me. You are not a prime minister of England. Are you talking to Dan? Are you talking to Dan now? I'm talking to you. Right, okay, fine. Let's not even disguise it. Dan, please answer your mum's phone calls or text. Just quick text. Doesn't take a second, okay? You will regret one day if you don't do it. Mum, don't threaten people that have sent in fucking voice notes.

18:19What is wrong with you? Nothing wrong with me. You're fucking out of control, Mum. I am not. 26, you're fucking taking no names. Because I'm a mother. Yeah. If you didn't answer my phone calls or texts, I'll be worried. What happened to him? He's not just talking about his mum. I think he's talking about his sister as well, right? Okay. Look, Dan, I think reply to a text when you can. Maybe if you can say to your mum and your sister that you might send them a holding text if you're in the middle of something so that they know you're busy. And then you can text them whenever you're able to. I think if you have a chat with them about that, that'll probably help and say, look, I'm not always able to give you a full reply.

19:02But I'll just say, you know, if I text you, I'm busy, you have to sort of accept that. Equally, what I would say, Dan, is them sending a question mark, that being really annoying is totally in your control. You know, like, they're not doing it, they're sending a question mark going, are you going to reply to this text? Whether or not that infuriates you is totally down to you. Like you can just go they've sent a question mark, whatever. Do you know what I mean? Like a lot of the time when you get annoyed by something is because you're annoyed about the way that you perceive that you should be treated.

19:33And so actually, in my opinion, what you're doing is you're getting angry about the idea that they're sending you a question mark because you feel like the narrative in your family is that you don't reply to texts. So then when they send you a question mark, you're allowing that to aggravate you. And actually, it's just a question mark. You know, you could just be chill about it if you wanted to. It's as easy or as difficult as that. Hope that helps, Dan. But remember, respect your mother. And if you can, get back to her. Mum, what would you say your favourite text emoji is? Laughing emoji. Laughing emoji.

20:04I don't think you've ever sent that to me. I always... Oh, no, my phone's not here. I don't think you've ever sent me laughing face emoji. Okay. You've sent this one.

20:18A fair bit. Do you know what I'm talking about? You know what happens? I try to send different thing and I press that accidentally. That's where it comes. Oh, I see. Okay. That's the thinking. That's the thinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I delete that straight away. I sent it to you once, remember? Thinking. Yeah. How to do the list. Yeah, when you sent me a message going, I did the list on my own and I just replied. Hmm.

20:47I didn't have any help. Hmm. Okay, shall we speak to Jan and Ken again? Oh, this is Jan and Ken who previously messaged about their son's girlfriend. Yeah. Okay, come on, let's hear it. Hi, Ramesh and Shanti. It's Jan and Ken again. I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. It's one that's been going for over 20 years. At our wedding day over 20 years ago, my mother-in-law wore a white dress. Is that okay? Thank you. Mother-in-law wore a white... First of all, Jan and Ken again. Jan and Ken again. Thanks for getting in touch. Mum, what do you think? Mother-in-law wore a white dress. Maybe mother-in-law thinks she's still a virgin.

21:37What do you mean the mother-in-law's a virgin? Thinks she's a virgin. The mother-in-law thinks that she's a virgin? Yeah. That's why she wore a white dress. The mother-in-law thinks she herself is a virgin? Yeah. But she's a mother. There you are. Doesn't matter, is it? What do you mean doesn't matter? So you're saying in the case of adoption? I don't think that's a big issue. Right, what's the big issue? Wearing a white dress on the wedding day. Jan's not saying it's a big issue. She's saying, is it okay? Of course it's okay. But the bride wears white on the wedding day. Bride? Yeah, so what?

22:13Off-white? Off-white? Yeah. I don't think it's okay, mum. The bride's supposed to wear white. White is off limits to everybody else. That's like the one day you don't wear white. And it's not even like white's a popular colour to wear for a dress anyway. Just fucking wind it in. Don't wear white on your daughter-in-law's wedding day. It's deliberate, by the way. That's a move. You are having a go at the mother-in-law. Let's be crystal clear. That is a move. She knows what she's doing. It's a known thing you don't wear white on a wedding day. Maybe when she saw the wedding, she must have thought about her wedding.

22:50Yeah. So some people, you know... Mum, I'm surprised you've not got a neck injury, the bending over you're trying to do to facilitate the mother-in-law's behaviour. She's out of order. She's not. She is. She's not. She is. Maybe she couldn't afford to buy a different dress. Mum, come on. Would you wear white? I won't wear white. No. Yeah, so you know it's a dick move. So why are you supporting this woman? Let's set up some boundaries. Yeah. She's got more than one white dress. She's got a full wardrobe of clothing. Yeah. My question to you, is it okay that she's wearing a white dress to her daughter-in-law's wedding and her son's winning?

23:29To me, no. Okay. It's out of order, right? You're the winner. I'm not winning. I'm just saying we agree. But you're, you know, you're, I think. Right. At your wedding, if I had copied the white dress, what you would have said? We will renew the wedding vow. Did we tell you beforehand that we were renewing the vow? No, you didn't. So I could have worn a white dress. Yeah, so what can I do? If we renewed the vows, we didn't tell anybody we were renewing our vows. If you turn up in a white dress, what can we do? You wouldn't be saying mum purposely did it. No, I wouldn't. No? No. Mum, you don't know it's a fucking vow renewal.

24:12You're really feisty today, by the way. Do you know, guys, a bit spiky, right? They're too scared to even say. Look at them. It's pathetic. Three spineless little fucking bitches sat in the corner. Don't call them like that. Yeah, sorry. She had to bought mutton rolls today. Now, okay, now it makes sense. now your behaviour is starting to make sense oh hello my pretties you'll support me against my bastard son won't you do I ever call you bastard repeat after me she did the list on her own if you agree with everything I say you can have another mutton roll choo choo here comes the train