Would Romesh Ever LEAVE Crawley

0:00Fuck a duck. It's time for the Thursday edition of the Romesh Ranganathan show. I'm here with my mum Shanti Ranganathan and the team. Big up yourselves, team. Give yourselves a bit of love. Do you know what I mean? Every Thursday, we chat about Monday's celebrity episode. What do you think of this posture? It looks good. Okay, fine. It's just sometimes... Straighten your shoulder. Oh, that's it. Like this? Yeah, you are going like this. Every Thursday, we chat about... Oh, that's not natural. Oh, how's this? Relax. Okay, good. Every Thursday, we chat about Monday's celebrity episode. answer, listen to questions and generally just enjoy being in each other's company.

0:37Am I right, mum? You are right. Absolutely right. Thank you for all the love on the comments and the occasional person asking to see the team. I'm going to reiterate once again, that isn't something you want. You think you want it. You don't want it. You believe you want it. You don't want it. You're under the impression you want it. You don't want it. If you're enjoying the show, please do us a favour and hit subscribe or follow wherever you're listening. the whole team's value structure is based on subscribers and they have very little else to live for so please click a like what's new with you mum new I'm changing myself I'm learning a lot of things so I'm very happy with myself and motivation have you thought about learning Spanish I tried you know with that on the phone yeah there's lots of apps do you a lingo You link, yeah.

1:30Yeah. Yeah, difficult to keep memorised the words. What language are you trying to learn? Spanish. Okay, should we have a little conversation now? No, I don't. Hola. Hola. ¿Cómo está? I have no idea what cómo está. How are you? I'm fine. No, we're undermining it a bit, aren't we, in Spanish. So, how do I say that? Say muy bueno. Muy bueno. Muy bueno. Oh, that doesn't sound right. Muy bueno. No, thank you. Muy? Muy. Why your mouth is going funny? It's not, I'm trying to show you. Muy. Muy. Muy. Muy. Muy. Muy. Bueno. Bueno. Muy bueno. Okay, so we'll try again. Hola, como esta?

2:24What do I say? The thing that I just spent what felt like an hour teaching you. No, forget it. Muy bueno. Muy bueno. Okay, let's try it again. Hola, como esta? Muy bueno. There you go. I mean, said bueno, almost certainly. Mum, a lot of listeners say that you remind them of their own mum. Yeah. But today, maybe you can show your business-like side, we were thinking. Okay. Could you say hello like you're Alan Sugar? You know Alan Sugar? Alan Sugar. Apprentice? Apprentice. I haven't watched him recently. No, okay, but he's not chatting. Let me be honest. Okay, Alan Sugar. So you're going to ask me questions?

3:06No. Then? What's going on? You're fired. Good. There you are. Very good. Okay. Could you please down the camera say, welcome to the Romesh Ranganathan show. You're fired. Welcome to the Romesh Ranganathan show. You're fired.

3:27It's the Romance Rangar Nathan Show With me Shanti On Monday we had the amazing Take That on the show Yeah, I enjoyed that Do you like Take That, Mum? I do Yeah I can't remember any of their songs Song Song Song All I do each night is pray Hoping that a part of you will be with some Sunday Sunday You and me, we could ride on the star. If you stay with me, girl, we could rule the world. Bloody rubbish. Honest to God, Ramesh. Why don't you prep yourself if you're going to sing the bloody thing? Why don't you sing one? I'm not going to sing because I don't know the words. Okay. To sing, you should memorize the words.

4:18What's this? Okay. Do you know any of their songs? No. Okay, great.

4:28Just go All I do each night is pray All I do each night is pray No, sing it Give it some vum I can't give any umpt Forget it No, no, no I'm not forgetting it We don't move on until you do this Sing a different song then No, we don't need to bring anything new in All I want you to do With a bit of enthusiasm Sing into the mic All I do each night is pray All I do each night is pray fucking hell that came easy now it's time to answer some more of your questions hopefully we can give you some advice help change your life fingers crossed this is from Abby from North Yorkshire via WhatsApp hi Roman team you don't have to address to be clear you don't have to address the team I've been listening from the very beginning and realised something important you've never formally introduced oh fucking fuck

5:24I've been listening from the very beginning and realised something important. You've never formally introduced a team. I have no idea who does what, except that Ben is the producer. Is he? Yes, he is. Now, either Ben is the most common job title in podcasting or he's unbelievably busy. For example, Help I Sexed My Boss has a producer, Ben. Off Menu has a producer, Benito. And now you do too. So my question is, do all podcast producers belong to some sort of Ben club? Is it a cult? No, but he's a bit of a cult. Is there a secret code where to produce a podcast, you must legally change your name to Ben?

5:56Simply cannot be a coincidence. Big fan of the show. Absolutely hilarious. Deeply concerned about the Ben industrial complex. Thanks.

6:07Well, there's Ben. What is your job on this podcast, Ben? I guess... First of all, let's give Ben a bit of context. Ben is the co-director of Wrangaby. He's a director. He's an executive producer. What is your role on this? He's a writer. He wrote Avoidance with me. He directed Avoidance. He wrote Romantic Getaway with me. He didn't direct that. He said it's too busy. Will? Will is our other member of our team. What's your official sort of, what would you describe yourself as, Will? Podcast producer. Podcast producer. PP. P squared. P-dub. the P double John is the final member of our team well actually he's not the final member of our team but go on I'm the head of podcasts at Rangaby the head of podcasts, hop you down with HOP?

6:57Yeah you know me yeah yeah yeah so there you go, hope that's answered your questions our next question comes from Sarah Hi Ramesh, I'm Sarah and I am completely obsessed with you everyone refers to you as my husband and yeah everyone just knows I'm so obsessed with you on my last day at my last job they all put Ramesh masks on and yeah because everyone just knows I'm completely obsessed with you so my question is can you please look down the camera and say my name seductively and then I can just keep it forever Jesus Christ Sarah's in a picture of her leaving do oh my god this is rubbish what do you mean it's rubbish what's it doesn't look like you that's my photo how can it not look like it's a photo of my face they're wearing masks no they're wearing masks all right right right right like i advised you before to look after the baby yeah yeah so they've done that okay yeah what do you think?

8:10Not bad. They tried. Yeah. But you don't have a long hair. It doesn't suit you. That's the hair behind, that's the person who's wearing the mask. I understand that. Okay. They're wearing a mask. Different people. Why do you have to explain? Mom, don't start shouting at me for explaining something. Up until 30 seconds ago, you didn't understand. You thought it was AI until I told you it was a mask. Is that or is that not true? It's true. Right. H-O-P, you know, that's what happened, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, I think the video review would show that that was the case.

8:51Can we VAR that, please? Okay, Sarah. Can we put some little seductive music under here? I could get a nice real close-up on this one if you want. No, not too close. Okay. Yeah, it's pretty close, but it's nice. That's nice. Sarah. How you doing, darling? Thank you so much for listening to the podcast. Thank you so much for all of your support. Thanks for your message. It really got my bubbles bubbling. Take care of yourself. And hopefully, we can meet one day. Jesus.

9:31I regret the close-up. I really do. What do you think? I think, Amish. What? It's good. I don't think I'm going to get any bang bang tonight. Well, I mean, you could have said that any night to me over the last five years. Anyway, Sarah, I hope that helped. That's either... But it was good. ...left you feeling happy or it's ended your obsession. Either way, jobs are good. This is the way you talk to Lisa. Yeah, sometimes when I finish, I say that, jobs are good.

10:11Do you ever do a seductive voice like Felicia? Yeah. No. No, I don't really. Why don't you try? How do I instigate? I've got to be honest, I'm very point blank about it. Do you not think we should have sex tonight? How do you do it? Don't ask him. Why are you asking him? Why? What do you mean? He asked me! Quietly. How do you do it? I don't think I do. sometimes you have to just give up don't you let's go this it no you touch first I nearly announced my retirement in the big two five put your finger there like that where put your finger where put your finger where mum in your hand on her hand yeah then she looks at you in a loving way yeah oh yeah bingo tonight can I tell you what happened I put my finger there and she'd go what the fuck are you doing did she well why am I putting my finger on her like I'm an ET

11:11Would you like some sex? Okay. Hope that made you happy, Sarah.

11:46This next question is from Rob from Crawley. Wow. Woof, woof, woof. Okay, listen. Hello, Ramesh. Hey, Shanti. It's Rob here from Crawley. Big up yourself. Hearing Ricky Gervais on this very podcast the other week name Ramesh as a national treasure, it got me thinking is Romesh Crawley's golden boy I mean you've got his book which is called Straight Outta Crawley Netflix special filmed at the Whore Theatre in Crawley so is he the town's greatest honour or is it someone like Chico or Gareth Southgate thank you that's a difficult question it's difficult isn't it to off the back of Ricky Gervais calling me a national treasure to now debate if I'm the biggest one from the town.

12:41Feels like a bit of a step down, doesn't it? But I think, obviously Chico, you know Chico? Yes, I do. It's Chico time. He came to, yeah, yeah, I do remember Chico. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, right, sorry. And then Sir Gareth Southgate? I do, footballer. Yeah, ex-England manager. Yeah. and also actually I would say now you're running me for competition in Crawley I would say there's a good argument that you're more popular than me now no I'm not I think Crawley's golden boy it's got to be Gareth Southgate it's annoying but I think it's not annoying he's managed the England football team he turned them round actually I know it got a little bit there was some some blowback towards the end of his tenure but I think there's no denying that Gareth Southgate was a great England manager.

13:36Yeah. You know, you can't compete with that, really. Unless I then went on to manage England and we won the World Cup. Then there's a conversation. Do you know what I mean? That's right. Mum, when you first moved to Crawley, were there any other towns in contention? I can't remember. So it was always going to be Crawley? Crawley, yeah. Why? Dad got a job in Crawley. Right. In Hearst Electric. Yeah. and I didn't want to live in London okay why not the houses are like caves what do you mean when you walk in there's no light there's a switch did you ever why do I have to have artificial light right you have to have a natural light oh so they were dark as you walked in dark as I walked in that upset me okay so I said I want to move somewhere the bright lights of Crawley Crawley so we moved to Crawley okay fine Crawley or London because of his job Yeah, and we ended up in Crawley.

14:33But then later on, he found a job in London. Yeah. Did you think about moving then? He didn't move me there. Then he became a playboy.

14:53That's the truth. Okay. Okay? All right, fine. Thank you. All right, so there you go. So I stayed in Crawley and look after you. I like Crawley. I love Crawley. no complaints Lisa and I are only probably going to be there I think another 18 months and then we're thinking about going somewhere else where? I don't know we were talking about we were talking about going up to London but then Lisa was talking about we know when I was on tour last summer we went to York I went to York on tour it's so beautiful so we're thinking about going there okay so to avoid me no no it's like a beautiful place York ah I see okay okay okay that's good That's good.

15:32Is that cool? Yeah, it's very, yeah. So don't bang on about Crowley, Crowley, Crowley. Why? You're going to be a Yorkshire boy. Yeah. Then don't boast about Crowley, okay? You're not a Crowley boy. I'm not boasting. When have I boasted about Crowley? Crowley, Crowley, Crowley. Now Yorkshire, Yorkshire, are you going to be a Yorkshire boy? Not a Yorkshire boy, no. Shut up, Rami. Don't talk rubbish, okay? Mum, I'm just thinking about it. We like York. Somebody must have put that in your head Yeah, Lisa and I were talking about that So it's not for a while, mum And also you can always come up and visit whenever you want Oh yeah I'm living in Crowley How many times have I visited your house?

16:16Don't start now, alright? Mum, if you don't want to come Can you imagine, Crowley, I don't see you Yorkshire? It's a joke Fucking joke, Ramesh

16:33You open your mouth and say, I'm a Crowley boy. I'll smack you.

16:41Okay. It's another 18 months. Why are you so angry about this? I am angry. Why? I'm going to do a lot of things to Crowley. Crowley boy. Lisa and me are thinking to move to you. Who put that fucking idea in your head? Nobody put the idea. I went to York and it's nice. No, you don't. You don't. Where's your backbone gone? What backbone? I like York. How come suddenly you never mentioned this to me? Well, it's just something we've been talking about and it came up. We said Matt Crawley, so I just thought I'd mention it. You wanted to teach in New Zealand. Yeah. I found the papers in the study room.

17:25Well, we did the brochure years ago, yeah. brochure. You're filling the form. So I got hold of it and I asked, what the hell is, why are you filling this form? I'm thinking of going to New Zealand and teach. I said, you are not bloody going to New Zealand, I said. Remember that? Yeah, I remember. So leaving all of us and go to New Zealand. That's the end of it. Yeah, it would have been horrible. Such a lazy boy. I don't think you'll fly and see us. That's why York feels like more of a compromise. Oh, shut up, Ramesh. Okay, shall we move on to the next question? I was going to ask, have you ever been sort of formally recognised by Crawley in any way?

18:02Has there ever been like an award or like a... They named a bin lorry after me. That's pretty good. There's a bin lorry that's called Romesh Recycle Nathan. But the Sky Van helium picture, didn't it? Yeah, but that's not a Crawley recognition, that's a league of their own. Have you not got the keys or anything like that? The keys to Crawley? Yeah. No, they normally break in. No, I haven't. Crawley's given me no recognition. But I don't want any recognition. And obviously, they're not going to give it to him once I move to York. Okay, should we go to the next question? We've got time for one more.

18:40Why are you so pissed off? I'm not pissed off. You talk rubbish sometimes. You like cream teas and stuff. I love cream tea. But it's beautiful, the minster and everything. It's lovely. You like it, Ben, don't you? It is lovely up there. You've been chanted. I have been. you like York don't you I've never been but it sounds nice John? it's a lovely part of the world why more? next question from Liz via text hey really enjoy the pod as you're both parents to boys I'm hoping you can give me some advice how do I get my 3 year old to stop constantly playing with his willy all the best Liz and there's a follow up one hello there this is Lisa how do I get my 47 year old to stop playing with his willy oh

19:27this is a question no i just made that last bit how how does liz get a three-year-old boy to stop playing with his willy i think god made that outside the body yeah so he's wondering why is it outside yeah taking out yeah so that's why he's playing with it okay but how does she stop it i haven't got a clue because i don't have a willy so i'm gonna advise you okay you got one so advice? Listen, I'll give you some advice, Liz. That ain't going to stop any time soon. Move to York. Everything will stop automatically. What's wrong with you? Why? You've not reacted to this York thing very well. No, I don't like it.

20:04I don't like it. Well, should we focus on this question? Yes, please do. Okay. Liz,

20:12here's my first bit of advice. Do not react to him playing with his willy, okay? Because if you suddenly go, oh my God, oh my God, he will like doing that and getting that reaction from you. So first of all, I would normalise it. Then I would speak to him and ask him a question about why he keeps doing that. And then just basically sort of explain how in the public that's not really an acceptable thing to do or it's not really a done thing and gradually get him out of it. But my advice would be to talk to him very matter-of-factly about it and not be pearl-clutchy about it because what you'll do is, it's like when kids swear for the first time and everybody reacts and they go, oh my God, I definitely get a reaction when I do this.

20:54What you don't want to do is give him playing with his willy value. You'll find enough of that when he grows up. Hope that helps, Liz. Equally, I've just been seeing this. They've got a lot of, I don't know if you're in or around the York area, but they've got lots of good sort of advice centres and stuff like that.

21:13Do you think you should clear, I mean, I'm just worried. Okay, mum, I'm just lying. I'm not really going to York. I just said it as a fun... No, you're a grown-up man. I'm not going to York. I just made it up. I'm staying in Crawley, okay? Good, good. Bless you. But what a good dress rehearsal for everybody if I decided to leave. I think that went really well. You could barely focus on Liz's question because it's so fucking furious about the York thing. Because you talk rubbish sometimes. That's why. What's happened is I've made Mum so angry with this joke she can't get out of that zone now. Yeah, that's true.

21:52Very true. I'm only joking. I'm never going to leave Crawley. Do a lot of things for Crawley. Yeah, sure. That's it for this Thursday. Thanks for listening. We'll be back on Monday with another exciting guest. That's all we've got time for today. Thank you for joining us. Next week's record will be from York. Look out for it. See you next time. Bye. Bye. Thank you so much for watching this episode of the Romesh Ranganathan Show. I've been told that some of you are watching this, enjoying it, wallowing in it, but you still haven't subscribed. That's mad behaviour. You're going to miss episodes.

22:34Very silly. So follow and subscribe to the Romesh Ranganathan Show on YouTube, Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. We drop new episodes every Monday and Thursday. On Monday, I'm here with amazing guests talking about their career, what they're up to, having a laugh with them. And then on Thursdays, I'm joined by my mum. widely regarded as the audience's favourite Ranganathan and we answer your questions, your stories and your family dilemmas We'll be back on Monday with another great guest and then Mum will see you again on Thursday Send your questions and stories to podcast at rangabee.com Voice note or text on 07731 623 355 We genuinely love hearing from you and there's a good chance you'll hear yourself on the show See you next time Oh shut up Romesh