10 TOOLS to Reclaim Your Life: Live in PEACE & ABUNDANCE

30:58And I said, you know what? I'm going to overcome this fear of facing people. And maybe one day they will understand that I'm okay. I'm okay the way I am now. I've accepted myself. So please, you need to accept me too. you know and as they say that when you think about doing something the universe conspires while I was thinking constantly about how can I overcome this fear of facing people how can I do this I was going to the malls I was doing groceries but that wasn't enough out of the blue I got a call from TEDx and you know so the guy said that you know we really want you to come and share your story.

31:37And without missing a second, I said, I'm doing it. So that's how I gave my very first TED Talk. And in fact, while I was giving the talk, you know, I was sharing my life story with the world. You know, there I was sitting in front of so many people and sharing my story thinking, what am I doing? You know, I'm literally becoming an open book and everybody can come and say things to me because, you know, here I am. They can judge you. Yeah, they can do whatever. Yeah. Of course. Right. But then I realized that maybe, you know, someone somewhere in the audience needs my words. So I'll do it for that one person.

32:22And then later that girl came from the audience. And in that moment, I realized that, you know, probably being speaker is my true calling in life, maybe. You know, then the other biggest fear was the fear of not becoming a mother. And I was constantly thinking about it, that, you know, how, how can I work? And then I sat down with my mother one day and I said, Mama, I want to adopt a child. And, you know, but I was scared, you know, being a wheelchair user, I said, you know, maybe, you know, it will be hard. And my mother said, I'm with you. We'll raise him together. And so I said, can we do this?

32:59She said, yes, let's do it. And that's how. So I applied for adoption. I waited for two years. And then one fine day out of nowhere, I got a call. The lady said, there is a baby boy. And would you like to adopt? I said, is that even a question? Of course, yes. So that's how Nile came in my life. And then the other biggest fear was abandonment. As we were talking earlier, what happens when people leave? Trust me, nothing happens. We are so scared of abandonment that, again, when you let go of all the extra people, you realize that you never needed them. You just never needed them. So have a good relationship with yourself and you will never be scared of abandonment.

33:48So when I overcame this fear of facing people, I became a speaker or whatever things I'm doing. When I overcame the fear of motherhood, I became a mother. So that's what it is. Why do you think so many people are afraid to be alone? This is kind of like this fear. I don't want to die alone. I can't go day by day without having friends around me all the time. I can't be alone. I can't go to dinner by myself. I can't go to the movie by myself. I can't walk down the street alone. why is there this insecurity or fear that so many people have? Because we forget that we came in the world with nothing and we live with nothing.

34:26We came alone crying. And when we were born, we were in pain, right? And we were crying, that was the sign of life. Oh, the baby is alive because the baby is crying and the baby is in pain. And when we leave, we are alone. So many people have left. Life does not stop. right we are designed because we are social animals right we human beings are social animals we need to socialize the problem comes problem is not with the relationship the problem is the expectations that we have with our partners that my spouse has to make me feel good yeah it doesn't work that way it doesn't your spouse is a human being too fighting battles you are doing Again, if you two are not complimenting each other, your life will become miserable.

35:22And also, there's one thing that I've noticed. People are competing. I mean, two people in a relationship are not complimenting each other. They're competing with one another. This is so silly. Yes. I mean, you are supposed to compliment each other, you know, but you guys are competing with each other. and no wonder why so many people are so broken, so broken. Either they switch to the new relationships like that because, oh my God, what will happen if we are all by ourselves? Trust me, nothing happens. You know, this global pandemic has taught us a lesson. You know, and that is by the end of the day, we are all on our own.

36:10so if you want to heal from covid you have to live with yourself and you know why people were so scared of being on their own because they have never spent time with themselves i know for so long right and they were just so scared but let me tell you something being a wheelchair user I have spent so much time on my own and it did not kill me so when you sit with yourself you realize oh I'm actually a good company for myself yeah and that's it so you go you meet people you socialize because it's fun but not because you need to do it but because you want to do it. That's what it is. And I think there's this, you know, there's this thing where we shouldn't be abandoning ourselves.

37:05We don't need to be at an event or be in relationships with people if they are constantly toxic, like you said, or if they're making us wrong or bad, if they're not accepting us. That's really a form of self-hatred if we keep putting ourselves in those situations and we abandon the love for ourselves, the boundaries we need to create to have the environment of peace and love and joy. So I think it's important for us to remember that, like we don't have to keep showing up in situations where people are trying to hurt us. We can protect ourselves and not abandon ourselves. Yes. Like Maya Angelou says, when people show you their true colors, believe them.

37:44Yeah, absolutely. Do not justify their toxicity. Oh, you know, my spouse is being overprotective. You know what? Because he's so much in love. No, that's toxic. That's bad. And it's only going to get worse, you know? So be aware. When people show you their true colors, believe them. Yes.

38:09we run from these impermissible feelings from our past these are emotional disturbances from our childhood traumatic events trauma with a big t trauma with a small t a big t trauma is being sexually abused as a child having some kind of violence living through a catastrophic event growing up in an alcoholic home a small t trauma is being bullied yeah a small t trauma is being told you're stupid by a teacher but the traumatic events from our past are the ones that are so impermissible because inside those experiences particularly childhood developmental experiences is the shame, the impermissible rage, the feelings of inadequacy and feelings of being unlovable.

39:02And so we build up all these different protection mechanisms around us to avoid ever having to face those impermissible wounds. And those protections could be achievement. They could look good on the outside that's the scary thing right so workaholism can be really praised at times yeah um those that it can look like alcoholism it can look like drug addiction and we just create all these forms of protection around ourselves to never have to go there but what's happened recently is when we've been struck with feelings of not being safe feelings of being out of control a lot of our typical coping mechanisms won't work anymore what are typical coping mechanisms for most people So typical coping mechanisms, heading to the fridge, overeating, overworking, not working, like numbing out, vegging out the sofa, a coping mechanism.

39:57And I refer to coping mechanisms as protector parts. I am now trained in internal family systems therapy. And so in IFS, we talk about these protectors. And what are they protecting us from? Those exiled child parts, those impermissible parts that we don't want to ever touch, don't want to go into. Protectors are the coping mechanisms. Correct. The addictive or non-healthy coping mechanisms. Correct. Yeah. Those are called protectors. Totally. Exactly. The things that we don't want to go and face the pain. And sometimes we don't even know that they're a problem. Like a workaholic may not yet know that that's a problem for them.

40:35Or codependency. So they're constantly protecting themselves by finding relationship. Or there's, for me, there was the controller you you were you were in studio with the controller many times and and you also even went as far as like almost pick up on that at early in our relationship where you're like you know it could be a little easier you would you noticed it for me and there's there's and i have one that's called knives out she's not out anymore but she she was like this like you know like if you with me with death row like i am done so were those your two main coping mechanisms i guess well well there was my 25 year old cocaine addict and then there is the um you know another interesting protector part is even spirituality at times because while it's a beautiful practice to be on a spiritual quest and it's what i've been writing about for over a decade we we can at times use our spiritual practice to get above the pain and so give me an example uh you're newly sober and you're like in every meditation class and you're doing, you know, your Kundalini yoga and you're, you know, you're, you're just, you're getting high on your own supply, right?

41:51Which is excellent. It's much better than drinking. And there's, and it's a beautiful pursuit, but it's also another form of protecting what is deeper. And frankly, that spiritual bypassing, as we would call it, is actually a tremendous gift at times because it's too painful to go to those places. So if spirituality is what you've got, that's way better than the drugs and the alcohol, right? But you're still masking in a sense. But it's still another way of masking. It's still another way of getting above what is so uncomfortable to face below. What were the two or three biggest things that you weren't willing to face for so long?

42:32So. for the reasons why you had these i didn't even know what they were i i got clean and sober at 25 and became extremely fascinated by my spiritual practice and became a spiritual teacher and started writing books on spirituality and personal growth and then all the while was writing books and on oprah and you know friends with guys like you and you know doing my moving my career forward and helping a lot of people and losing it on the inside just cracking on the inside by the time I was 36 years old I was this is about probably maybe six months before that interview I referenced between you and I I was uh just completely overwhelmed with my reality that I had created what reality the extreme control okay so i had authored maybe six or seven books i'd had all this busyness happening and you remember i had no team i had like one virtual assistant running this like business that could have had 20 people at the time and so i just kept just pushing pushing pushing and all because i was trying to control i was trying to stay safe i was trying to uh stay safe from feelings that I didn't want to feel, but I didn't know that.

43:59So I kept looking back saying, why was I a drug addict? Why am I such a workaholic? Why am I codependent? Why am I, why, why, why, why, why? Until I was 36. Interesting. And I had a dream. And in the dream, I remembered being, I remembered I was an adult addressing that I had been sexually abused as a child in the dream yes and i woke up and i was like no way never talking about that again i had to talk that night i was like no down get down wow and a few days later i was in therapy and my therapist was asking me a few leading questions and one thing that she said in particular just catapulted me into the memory and not visual or details but just the acceptance that this indeed did happen to me.

44:53And so it turns out that for over 30 years, I'd dissociated from a childhood memory because it was so extreme. And I ran from it in all the same ways that we run from trauma with the workaholism, the cocaine addiction, the love addiction, all of it. What's the root of the shame? What's the root of hiding or overworking or controlling? Is it shame that I'm not enough or that it's just too hard to face this pain or that if people knew this about me, no one would love me? What's the core fear that a lot of us face when that event occurs? So I don't think it's necessarily a logical fear that we have in our conscious awareness.

45:38It's a sense. It's an underbelly. And the more personal growth work we do, we can see oh okay you know i i worked so hard to be seen or you know you can start to see the map but when we're in it it's really hard to recognize so much so that in the book i write about i wrote i wrote this chapter about shame and i tell this whole story about how i'm in this training where i'm teaching but i'm also with two other teachers so when the other teachers were leading the workshop i was in the audience just like oh let me hook up my friends i'll sit and listen yeah check it out like the whole workshop is on shame and i'm thinking i don't have any shame 36 years old you know i'm succeeding i'm just i it's such a it's it's it's the most uh difficult emotion to face and being in that room that one exercise i was like oh my god this is what i've been running from this is what i've been hiding from this is you know decade into my sobriety and I'm just touching into this now.

46:46What was the exercise? I think it was about witnessing how you respond to things and just becoming conscious of what it feels like. If someone is a triggered human being in life, maybe not every day, but something happens and it triggers them, what is that saying about the person? That they haven't healed something that's allowing the trigger, that those events have power over them, that they have negative coping mechanisms? what is that reactiveness or shutdown-ness and not standing up for yourself? Whatever it is that people do, an unhealthy reaction, let's say. So the trigger, I'm going to speak to this in IFS language.

47:26So Internal Family Systems was founded by my new friend Dick Schwartz, and it's just the most beautiful therapy. Internal Family Systems. Yeah, and I now did the level one training. I'm going to carry on and continue training in this. It's the most incredible practice I've ever used. And I've been in that type of therapy for a decade. And then I most recently got it under my belt. And so what it is, and I could do some with you too today. What it is, is the premise that we have these exiled child parts that the young boy who was sexually abused, the little girl who was sexually abused, or just the kid that was bullied or the kid.

47:59And I don't want to just say just because people are committing suicide over this, but or the, you know, being told you're not good enough or whatnot, or just a little bit of neglect or whatever it is. those experiences from our childhood just get so pushed away locked under lock and key never to be spoken of again then the protectors show up and from a very young age protectors meaning coping mechanisms exactly yeah and any time and the protectors actually have two different forms there's managers which are just sort of like you know workaholic you know working work and then there's these firefighter protector parts that are like f this cannot go any further i am going right for the drink or i got to go right for the fridge or just just the addiction the addictive parts right so those are all known as protectors when we get triggered when there's a moment where that child part gets activated your your father just passed there's probably a lot of triggers that came up around that without any deep awareness of our system our internal system will get activated.

49:06The young part might get activated because we feel out of control. We feel unsafe. Something activates that part. When that feeling starts to creep in, the protector comes right in. The protector is like, gonna work, gonna eat, gonna run, gonna run, run, run, run, run, run. The reaction. The reaction. You're gonna control, gonna, you know, whatever it might be. Scream, whatever. Rage, blame, judge, self-attack, attack others, binge on television. anything that that part can do to anesthetize the voice of that or the presence even this tinge of feeling sensation of that exiled child part and then the beautiful good news is we all have what's known as self and for years as a spiritual teacher i would have called this higher self or god or universe and in this case i would call it self with a capital s and self is the compassionate calm, courageous, curious, creative.

50:06Part of who we are that is always, has always been there. It's the truth of who we are. It's the soul of who we are. And it's a non-physical energy that is us. And when we learn to connect to that self-energy and let that self-energy relate to and support the protectors, then our entire system can relax.

50:36You talk a lot about practicing meditation and also prayer. And you say something that was interesting that you said about using silence to hear in between the lines. So can you share what that means to hear in between the lines through prayer, meditation, mindfulness, and kind of what this all means. How can we understand this? There's a lot of noise about it, but what does it really mean? When I hear the word mindfulness, to me, what it really means is intentionality. What I mean by that is, are you crafting, designing, and intentionally creating your life? Or are you just coasting in the passenger seat of your life, which is just dragging you and driving you wherever it's taking you.

51:23And so it's the difference between being the driver or being in the passenger seat. And so to me, living intentionally is what allows you to live a life of by design. And so I'll give an example of what mindfulness can look like. There's something in the book that I talk about called the three S's, which are sights, sense, and sounds. Now, if you think about that, we're exposed to sights, sense, and sounds every single day. Every single day. But how many of us have crafted those to be sight, sense, and sounds that we want in our life? So this is what I realized. When we were monks, one of the most important things was, what was the first thing you saw, the sight, when you woke up?

52:04And right now, most people are probably seeing their screen. Yeah. I think 80 % of people look at their screens first thing in the morning and the last thing at the night. So you're seeing your screen first thing in the morning. But what are you really seeing? You're seeing everyone else's priorities. else's issues and challenges you're seeing everyone else's messages to you which means you're already starting your day off reactively but what if you started your morning looking at a painting that inspired you or a picture of a loved one that brought joy in your heart or your favorite quote by lewis or by anyone else that when you read that in the morning you were like oh yeah i feel in charge today to to make a difference in the world so imagine the first thing you saw in the morning was something inspiring how much would your day change that's mindfulness Mindfulness is being intentional and mindful about what you are exposing yourself to.

52:52Let's talk about sounds next. So sounds was something that I started to study actually much later from a modern life perspective. But when we were monks, we would wake up to birds. We would wake up to water. We'd wake up to gongs or cymbals. Chants. Chants, exactly, which are all beautiful sounds. Now, the crazy thing is all of us wake up to something called an alarm. I don't know why anyone would want to wake up To an alarm Why would you want to wake up alarmed It means now your system is alarming Like why would you want to do that Why would you want to wake up in shock In a state of like a jolt I don't think that's a positive way to wake up So changing the sound that you wake up to Now I'm not saying that everyone can wake up to nature sounds Maybe you're one of those people who just hit the snooze button again But what if you woke up to a sound or a song that brought you joy.

53:46Now, when I lived in New York for two years between 2016 and 2018, I started to feel quite exhausted by the end of the day and I was really looking into like, why is it that I feel tired? And I started to realize I came across this term called cognitive load. And what it means is that a lot of the sounds that you hear in New York City are sounds that are insignificant for your mind to process. Drilling, construction work, taxis honking, driving, cars screeching, scratching. People yelling at each other in the streets. People yelling at each other on the streets. Like all of that sound is called cognitive load where your brain is now trying to make sense of meaningless sound.

54:26Or it's also just like, should I be afraid? This is a loud sound. Is my brain going to fight or flight? Like I need to protect myself. So you're always being alarmed. Yeah, exactly. And you hear sirens. The amount of sirens that I remember hearing on the streets. Now when you hear sirens, sirens have an emotional trigger. and they have an emotional response to them. So think about your day. Think about when you come home from work, well, now you're working from home. What sound do you want to hear when you're working? What sound do you want to hear at the end of the day? When you sound design your life, that's called mindfulness.

54:59That's being intentional. And then finally, scent. Scent is such a powerful sense that we're not even aware. How many of you, when you smell your favorite food, can't already wait to eat it? You can almost taste it. Salivating. Yeah, you can taste it already just through scent. Why is it that every time you walk into... Yeah, I think pizza has one of the best scents. Well, your wife, Raddy, has got some amazing food. That was amazing scent. When I walked in the kitchen last week, I was like, this is amazing. That was for you. That was special. That was for you. That was for you. That was a good meal.

55:33That was a really good meal. She really appreciated that you love to eat too. She was happy. Her heart was full. Exactly. Bring a former jock into your house and you'll clear all the food out. She was like, I've never seen someone eat that much. I was like, you know, this big American dude. I was like, you know, he can eat. And so, no, it was great. She was so happy that you appreciated it so much. She really appreciated that. But the scent is important in your life. When you walk into a massage spa, it's the scent, the eucalyptus, the lavender, the sandalwood. It puts you in a peaceful state.

56:07Dude, scent puts you in Zen without trying. And so mindfulness is intentionally creating a life that makes you feel what you want to feel without having to just create the feeling from inside. You may say, Jay, you know, I really struggle trying to be positive. I struggle trying to deal with anxiety. I struggle trying to be focused. Your sight, sense, and sounds can help you do that. And you start creating an environment where you naturally feel that. Like today when I walked into your studio, I saw your books. I saw all these motivational quotes. I saw a boxing glove. And it's like all of a sudden you're like, oh, I'm in an uplifting environment.

56:45Right? So you already get triggered. Exactly. Yeah, I think a friend of mine mentioned one time on the podcast, Chris Lee, he said you want to create an environment like a rainforest where things can thrive and grow as opposed to having an environment like a desert where things go to die. That's beautiful. And if you have sights, scents, and sounds that are like a desert for your life, for your heart, then it's going to be hard to grow those things from your heart. But if you create an environment of a rainforest where things can grow, water, nature, you know, cool air, things like that, then you can really start to cultivate that growth.

57:20You mentioned about creating and designing your life. How much of the world do you think we receive by being here? And how much of the world do we create ourselves? Yeah, that's a beautiful question. It's a complete dynamic dance between what the Vedic tradition would call fate and free will. So fate is what is already created for you. And a good example would be the place you were born, the type of family you grew up in, the socioeconomic background you had. It was already there when you walked into the world. But But within that you had choices where your free will came about. You had the choice to either do what everyone in your neighborhood did or to do something different.

58:07You had the choice to have a relationship with a particular person or not. So what happens is that we're constantly creating new spaces from which we have another choice. And so you kind of see as this dynamic dance between, okay, now I'm in this situation and now what is my choice in this situation? So I would say, I'm not saying it's equal. I'm saying it's a dynamic balance and a switching process where you're constantly creating a new level. And then now in that level, you have a next choice. Because we didn't have the choice to be created here. We were here and that wasn't our choice. Now, everything after that is our choice, right?

58:46Yeah. And there are some, obviously there are some traditions, and I'm a big diver into like reincarnation and past lives. So according to the beliefs of reincarnation and past lives, you have at some point made a choice to be here. But taking it more simplistically, the truth is that when you're brought into a situation, the best analogy that I've heard and it's been told for years is of a father is an alcoholic. One of the sons that he has decides to become an alcoholic because his father is an alcoholic. The other son decides to never drink alcohol because his father is an alcoholic. So they were exposed to the same situation and same scenario.

59:24Same environment. Same environment. But they both made different choices based on their experience. And that's the choice element. That's the element that we should be trying to empower in our lives. Because we can constantly say, I'm limited by my environment or I've been restricted by my environment. And hey, it's true. There are so many of us that have been limited and restricted. But by now you repeating that, you are going to repeat that restriction in your life. How much of a positive environment supports us in our growth or holds us back? There are some people who have the perfect family situation, resources, beautiful backyards and nature who are lazy.

1:00:05and there are others who have you know divorced parents abusive parents abusive friends an environment of a desert yeah and they figure out a way to thrive totally how much importance does our environment play in our overall success if you look at the examples that you just shared and you really analyze life you'd see very little because you see people craft their own life so So a good example for me is that when I came back from living in the ashram, and there were other people who may have been monks who'd also left the path, and I came back to a not financially successful or supportive family.

1:00:46So my family doesn't have abundant wealth and couldn't necessarily have taken care of me or paid for me forever, and I had to figure out my own life. And that to me was a great sense of impetus and incentive to go and figure it out and learn new skills and network and meet people. And I saw other friends who parents had like a property portfolio with like 10 properties ready to hand them over. They had a BMW the second that they came out, whatever, you know, from their own life. Or I even have friends that had all of that and didn't become monks and didn't even find careers. So I've also got friends that I went to school with that today don't even have careers, even though their parents were really well established.

1:01:26Right. Which has all of these examples have continued me to believe that we truly have influence in our more than our environment. Our environment affects us for sure. It plants seeds and weeds into our life, but there is still a choice. And I think even if you feel there isn't a choice, simply by accepting that there is, it means you have a chance to get out of there. And I think that's what... Because if you don't accept that there is, then you're just going to stay stuck. Correct. Like there have been so many times in my life and there's a beautiful quote from Edison. I don't think I said this last time, but if I did, it's worth repeating.

1:02:02He said that when you believe you've exhausted all options, remember this, you haven't. And the reason why I love that is your mind continuously feels stuck when it's tried the obvious. And that's why a lot of creativity and focus studies say that the first 10 ideas that come to your mind are never the most interesting. it's when you get into the 11th idea that you start breaking the pattern and so if someone asks you oh what's your best business idea your first 10 ideas are probably not that innovative and so the mind constantly gets stuck on that train and you've got to keep reminding yourself that there is another door there could be another pathway i was thinking about a piece of advice that so one of my closest spiritual mentors who was in london i knew him since i was probably like 12 and properly since i was 18 he passed away this year from stage four brain cancer And he died brain cancer for about, I think like three, three, four years now.

1:02:55And so I hadn't really had a real interaction with him for the past few years, because every time I saw him, he wasn't fully functioning in his short term memory. His long term memory was there, but his short term memory wasn't. And I remember speaking to him probably about seven, eight years ago and asking him the question. I said to him, you know, I've got so many ideas. There's so many things I could do. Where do I start? And he said this beautiful thing to me. and he said, you know what, your role should be to open up every door possible. And he said, let the world close the doors you're not meant to walk through and walk through the ones that remain open.

1:03:31And what I realized is most of us are just not opening up enough doors because we think we only have the option of two doors. We look at life as binary, zero and one, zero and one, right? It's just A or B, this or that. And I mean, I think you'd say this too about you and every guest you've ever had on. I don't think life is ever this or that. It's like this, that, and that, and maybe that, and that. And there's always a gap. Of course. The challenge that people have that I've sensed a lot is the fear of criticism when you go after something that you weren't supposed to do or that people don't think you're supposed to do.

1:04:03Why do so many people fear criticism from peers, family, friends, the media? Why is that such a big fear? And how do we overcome criticism from others? Psychologically, we feel a sense of safety and security when we think people agree with us. Right? That is just psychologically true that we would rather avoid conflict and sit in a space where we agree and therefore we have something called confirmation bias and the echo chamber where we keep surrounding ourselves with thoughts and ideas that are similar and reaffirm our beliefs. Now, I think that you can have that and at the same time entertain ideas that you're not sure about yet.

1:04:49And so one of my favorite examples was MIT did this study where they asked people which person was more creative and innovative. And they showed two charts. One chart was employee A and the other chart was employee B. The chart for employee A, all of the people they knew, knew each other and knew them back. So it was almost like a closed loop. And employee B, they knew lots of people who didn't know each other. And they found that people who have more people in their network who don't know each other are more likely to be creative and productive. Really? Why is that? Because they expose you to opposing ideas and they may counteract how you think.

1:05:29So one of my favorite examples of this is a conversation between Mark Zuckerberg and one of his mentors. So Mark Zuckerberg told this story at the Facebook headquarters a few years back. I wasn't there. I've seen it on video. I'm sure it's available. And he talks about how when he was struggling with the direction of Facebook in 2009, he approached his mentor. And his mentor happened to be Steve Jobs. Wow. Pretty cool. Wow. Pretty cool. I wish. That's really cool. Yeah, it's so cool, man. And so anyway, so Mark Zuckerberg goes to Steve Jobs and he says, I'm struggling with the direction of Facebook.

1:06:02Remember at that time, Facebook was five years old. There was no fan pages, I don't think. I don't think it was, there was no creators. I don't think there were fan pages. It was very much used by university students at that stage. Like I think it was mainly like Ivy Leagues. College kids. College kids. And I don't even think it was international in a massive way. Very early days. And now we can't even think of that. But 2009, I mean, you know, you just about had the iPhone and just about had Instagram and YouTube. So he ran up to Steve Jobs and he said, you know, I'm struggling with the direction of Facebook.

1:06:34What do I do? Now, Steve Jobs at that time obviously was already the founder of one of the biggest brands on the planet. And obviously the brand still is. He had access to investors. He had access to business coaches. I'm sure he had access to life coaches. He had access to health experts. He had access to anything. I don't think there was anyone. Scientists, whatever. Scientists, PhDs. I don't think there's anyone in the world who Steve Jobs couldn't have called up at the time. And Steve Jobs said something amazing. He said, you know what, Mark? Mark, I think you should go and live in an ashram in India.

1:07:06He did not. He did. No way. It's a true story. He goes, and when you go to live in the ashram in India, that's where, if you spend some time there, that's where you'll find your answer. Shut up. And Mark did it. No way. Mark went to the ashram. It's a true story. For a long. I believe he was there for, I've seen two online. I've seen two versions of the exact time he was there. I've seen some people say it was a couple of days or a week, or some people said it's a month. So I think it's hazy how much time he actually spent there. But he went. And he says that based on that experience, that's where he found the direction of Facebook to be connecting people.

1:07:38Now, the reason why I love that story is because it's the unobvious alternative random connection. And when Harvard did a study of 3000 executives, they looked at and asked them, what's the number one skill for being a good leader? And a lot of people would say communication. A lot of people would say vision, strategy, humility. And the number one answer that they got from 3 ,000 executives was the one word which is called associating. And what that means is the ability to spot patterns where everyone else doesn't see them. And that's the connect that real leaders can spot patterns and connections in anomalies.

1:08:20So most people would be like, what has an ashram got to do with a tech platform? But that is where you expand your mind to find answers that you never expected. it how important is creating alone time um with noises people busy work to allow your mind to expand is that the only time in that silence i think you mentioned it silence to hear in between the lines yeah is that where we start to hear what we're supposed to be creating where we're supposed to be heading our mission that's yeah i'm really glad you brought that back i wanted to get back to that so when we talk about there's there's a beautiful statement by david lynch who's movie producer and a deep meditator and he says that prayer is how you talk to god and meditation is how god talks to you and whether you believe in god or the universe or spirit or divine whatever it means the point is that there is a dialogue and a conversation prayer is like you're speaking you're saying here's what i want here's how i feel help me help me yeah and meditation is more receiving.

1:09:24Receiving, yeah. And so I love that statement because I think it makes it very clear that we have to have a dialogue with the universe. We have to have a dialogue with people in our lives. We have to have a dialogue and there's both giving and receiving. So when I talk about hearing in between the lines, the best example I can give you, Lewis, is let's take a look at you and your relationship and mine and my wife's relationship. one of us is always traveling yeah so you travel your partner travels i travel my wife travels sometimes we're missing each other imagine you've got really busy and hectic do you think and anyone listening or watching you can ask the same question if you were really busy and hectic and stressed out do you think your partner feels comfortable to tell you how they feel and get your attention if if i'm busy stressed out overwhelmed when my partner tell me how i feel about themselves or about yeah do you think they would feel confident to be like lewis i need to tell you something really important um i don't think they would they wouldn't yeah they really wouldn't because they don't stress you out more you're not present all these things exactly so exactly that and so what happens is when you're still your mind and body actually get to speak to you and give you signals of how they feel and so when you're still that's when you notice that ache in your foot that you haven't noticed for a month sometimes when you slow down that's when you get sick because your body wasn't allowing itself to be sick because you were pushing it to get through stuff and so just like your partners can't communicate with you until you slow down your body and mind can't communicate with you until you still and so there's a beautiful Buddhist teaching that says what movement does for the body stillness does for the mind and so when we find that space stillness and solitude you really are able to hear your deepest desires and challenges your physical pains and and areas of growth it's one of the reasons why when people meditate they feel sleepy afterwards and they think they're doing it wrong but actually they're doing it right meditation just told you you needed more sleep you need to rest yeah meditation was just a signal so sometimes when I meditate with people that i'm coaching like some of them some of them will be like i'm so sorry i'm i'm so sorry jay i'm just feeling so tired and i'm like no then sleep and rest yeah that's what your body's telling you because you finally listened and some people are like oh jay i feel so energized and i'm like yeah because you allowed yourself to be in line with your body and now your body's saying that you feel energized and that's great you've got that energy go work out go build something so or you've cleared out those negative thoughts or you've let go of those distractions or that resentment.

1:12:03And so you're not feeling this weight, so you feel lighter. Correct. And so that stillness and silence is one of my favorite ways for you to actually build that relationship with hearing your inner voice. Is there too much silence? Like if you say, okay, five hours a day, is there a tipping point when you're like, okay, I think you do two hours every morning, but a lot of people say, well, I've only got 20 minutes maybe. Is five hours too much? Is an hour, you know, what is the maximum or minimum sweet spot you think for people to be silent every day to live a great life? I think 20 minutes is a great starting point.

1:12:40Because 20 minutes is significant enough time for your mind to switch off. So we hear that studies show that we have 60 to 80 ,000 thoughts a day, 80 % are negative. And a lot of them are repeated. And so if you're only going to say, I'm going to do five minutes, it just takes five minutes to switch off. It takes five minutes to just overcome that noise. And so I'd say that 20 minutes is a good amount of time. And hey, you're not trying, and I think this is the challenge with meditation mindfulness, you're not trying to empty your mind. You're just trying to be present with it and actually and listen to it and experience it.

1:13:14I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward.

1:13:52And I wanna remind you, if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.