13 Ways You Can Start Building A Stronger Relationship TODAY

28:21I can't believe you. I can't believe you did this. And not only this is wrong, how horrible shame on you. It doesn't make you want to be honest in the future. It makes you second guess, should I share this or not? Yes. So I said, be careful. Because now it's going to be very hard for him to share and open up in other things in life. Anything in general in the future, because he got this as a precedent that you you can't take him. Yes. So we got to be hard enough, big enough, and open the space for the other person to be. 100%. Yeah. Don't keep secrets. No. But you don't have to be fully transparent about every thought you have in your mind.

29:04No. Can you imagine? No. It'd be crazy. Especially about emotions and things. Emotions come and go. If you're telling every single emotion you have to the person you're with, blah, blah, blah, all these things, and now I feel like this. It's going to be a lot. It'll be a lot. The next thing is, I think one of the most important steps is what mentally strong couples don't do is they don't hesitate to set boundaries. Yes. And I think from the very beginning, I mean, I was very clear on my side that I needed boundaries in my relationship. Yeah. And I was clear with you that I didn't feel like I had those in previous relationships.

29:41Same with you. Yeah. And I was just like, this is who I... I was almost like trying to get you to run away from me. Not in a bad way, but I was like, this is who I am. This is what I think. This is what I believe. This is how I act. This is how I behave. I'm not willing to do this. I am willing to do this. I was like, I don't care what you think of me. This is who I'm going to be. And take it or leave it, you know, type of mentality. It was so clear because, you know, in the past, you also dated very close to people. Yeah, I was just like, I was never able to really be me without someone getting upset at me.

30:15So I felt like I had to keep the peace by changing who I was all the time. And it was exhausting trying to keep the peace. And I think the best way to have peace in your life is to create boundaries and to hold onto those boundaries and to set a firm boundary on certain things. And I was just very clear early on. And it's not like this was ever an issue that we had to address something, but I was like, listen, one boundary for me is I will not be in a relationship where anyone screams, period. Oh yeah, no, thank God. And so if you like to scream at me, it's not going to happen. We're not going to be together.

30:50And I just come from a relationship in which I was the receiving end of a lot of explosion and screaming. I was like, oh, I don't want this. And I was just, so I was just clear, like here are boundaries for me. Like it can't even be a little bit that then gets more and more and more. So it has to be a clear boundary. There's no screaming. There's know this. This doesn't work for me. Now, it doesn't mean you have to be perfect with your emotions all day long. I'm not saying that. But there are certain things that we should not accept. You shouldn't accept me to scream at you. You shouldn't accept me to do whatever, other things too that don't make sense for you.

31:21And it's just being very clear about that. And I think we were really good in the first year, year and a half when we started in therapy, which I think was another powerful thing. We were clear on those boundaries by creating agreements. And I think that made the relationship for me at least feel safer and same for you. And one of the things that we also did, we started making boundaries in our individual lives as well, really in the last couple of years. So we created boundaries with each other. And then it's boundaries with friends, family, colleagues, worker, you know, all these different things in life to continue to protect our energy in the relationship and outside of the relationship.

32:04Work, whatever it might be, just finding ways to continue the skill of boundary setting. Yes. To create more peace and freedom inside. And I think both of us love people, like people. We want people to be happy. And we both overextended ourselves. We have been people pleasers in the past. Both have been people pleasers in the past. We've both overextended ourselves to try to make everyone happy around us, everyone feel good around us, by sometimes giving more and not making ourselves feel good or feeling frustrated in the process. And really, in the last couple of years, we both had to learn the hard way, okay, we had it figured out with us, but we didn't have it figured out with everyone else.

32:47And it was like both of us in the same timeline were just doing it one after one after one, just creating boundaries. and it has given us so much more peace and freedom in life. And so, you know, just because you're in a loving, beautiful relationship with someone doesn't mean you don't need to create a boundary with them around something. How do you think it's the best way to create a boundary or the way that works for you? A loving boundary and say, hey, listen, this is something. And when you do it early on and you communicate it early on in relationship, you don't just give in to everything.

33:19It's easier. It's harder to create a boundary two, five, ten years in when you've never created one. But from the beginning, we did that with each other. Hey, this is something I want. You know, you said, this is what I want to create in the next two and a half years. If we're dating, like, I want to get married the next couple of years. I want to start building a family in the next two, three, four years. Is that something you want? And if it's not something I wanted, you'd have been like, okay, see you later. It would have been a boundary for you. If you're not at least open and interested in that same vision, and if you would have said, well, maybe he'll change.

33:54Maybe he'll be open to it once he falls in love with me in a few months. Maybe I'll convince him. Maybe I'll fix his mentality and he'll want to do it in three, four years. And then three, four years comes and I haven't proposed and we're not engaged and we're not married and I'm not speaking about family. You would be resentful and frustrated. You'd still be like nagging at me constantly. You'd be like, why aren't you doing this? Why don't you do this underneath? It's because I wasn't meeting an expectation because you didn't set a boundary. You maybe communicated. You maybe said, this is my dream.

34:26What do I want? And I'd be like, yeah, I'm open to it. But if you didn't really dig in and be like, do you want this? Are you clear? Yeah. And if I didn't want it, you could have been like, okay, this relationship doesn't work for me. That's a boundary. And it's a loving boundary.

34:46You don't have to yell at someone or shame them. Just, all right, it doesn't work. And that's okay. Yeah. It's the thing is that you, because in the past, I struggled in the past with setting boundaries because I've been a people pleaser. Yeah. And it's. Most people are. Most people are. Most people are. Yeah. It's hard sometimes. It's hard sometimes because you want to be liked. But. You want people to, you know, accept you. But I think it does come to self-acceptance. Yes. and being okay with walking away from walk away seriously it's like walk away walking away from that situation that's it from that scenario because and you and you and knowing you're going to be okay because at the end of the day you're going to be okay yes so why would you be in a relationship or in a situation in which you guys are not aligned and yet you have the hopes that this thing is going change and you are not setting a boundary because you don't want to have ruffle the waters, you just start resenting inside of you.

35:48That's a big invoice you're going to charge later. And if you can do this in the first six months or first year of a relationship, start doing some of these things, it's going to set you up for more success. If you wait two, three years in and you never have any of these conversations and you never do any of these things, you are just going to be two years in and feeling like there's problems everywhere. Yeah. You like went in, everything was like beautiful and we love each other and the chemistry and explosion and passion. But if you don't address these things early on. I just remember the Vegas example and then our friend that shared with us, remember that it's a couple that got divorced and he had a big opening and event that he was going to have with the chef, he was excited about going to this event.

36:35And his partner was like, wait a second, but this is the same weekend we're moving in together. So we're moving in together and you also have this event. And it was just an evening, a few hours. And he was just sharing with us, I decided not to go to the event that I was very excited about. It's a big event. It was my passion event. Yeah, yeah. He decided not to go in order to please someone who he's no longer with, by the way, because it didn't work out because of these things. He didn't set a boundary. And it was beautiful because he said, that's on me. I didn't set a boundary. Yeah, I didn't go and communicate, I'm doing this, and allow her to be upset.

37:11And he said, that set the precedent for our entire relationship because I gave in once to make her happy. And then I gave in every time that I wanted to do something. She needed me. There was a breakdown. So I always gave in to try to keep the peace. And then that's not setting a strong foundation. And so don't hesitate to set boundaries is a big one. The next one is don't become a martyr. Ooh, that's such a good one. What does this mean? Why do mentally strong couples not become martyrs? We've learned this during our preparation before getting engaged and then before getting married. But some people misuse the word sacrifice.

37:58And we know, and we're going to learn it even more as being married, but a long-term relationship does require some sacrifices. And it doesn't mean something that is going to feel like, oh, my God, my arm is cut. Like meaning like, oh, this was such a strong thing that I had to let go in order to make this person happy. Just like we were saying. No. It's little things like this. well, you know, I have my time to work out. I have my time to run my business. And then maybe, you know, lately I've been playing pickleball a lot, but now we have a child and I actually want to spend time with our children.

38:37Maybe I'm going to sacrifice this one day that I used to play pickleball to be with my family. And then you realize it's not a sacrifice because you're actually... I will never give up on pickleball. I love that you play pickleball. It's just the first thing that came to my mind yeah of course but you you realize or you're like i'm gonna get up earlier i'm gonna do something else exactly like maybe i can change the pickable thing in the morning i'll call my friend and see if we can play but those are the sacrifices we're talking about right somebody gets sick okay well that's a sacrifice when it becomes a martyr what does a martyr mean in a relationship a martyr means a person that is being unhappy in their life and you're offering help to them, I'm going to help you with this.

39:21Do you need support? I'll bring somebody to help you. You need this. You're struggling with this. And they refuse the support because they are, it's almost like subconsciously, they prefer to sit in the martyr situation. So you see how much I suffer for us and the relationship. And I'm not willing to receive support unless it's like you sacrificing more to like be miserable with me or something when they become competitive in the because it happens to men and it happens to women they become competitive the woman starts saying i am so tired i'm you know i'm taking care of the kids i also have a job i'm doing all these things i'm putting all my efforts i'm making you food i'm all listening i'm exhausted and then the man says well i've been working on this that's trying to bring more money to the to the household i'm doing all these things I suffer more than you.

40:15No, you suffer more than me. And you start, you're literally taking an accountability of who is suffering more and you're making the other person the subject of all your suffering. Yet when the other person tries to support you, you say no. Because I, how do I explain this? Why wouldn't people receive their support if they're in a martyr position? Why wouldn't they receive the support? Yeah, why won't you receive it if you're so overwhelmed and so stressed and have suffering so much in a relationship, why not just receive the support and set yourself free? I believe it comes from two different things.

40:52But this is my personal belief. Again, I'm not an expert, but this is what I think. I think one of them is sometimes, it can happen to all of us, there's moments in which you get used to an emotion over and over again, you repeat that emotion inside of you, it becomes you. It becomes your reality and your version of reality. And when a solution is being offered to change that, perhaps you don't want it to change because you're getting the attention that you need from being a martyr, in this case, from being a victim of what's happening. it's almost like a subconscious game that inside of you, you want to be freed of this, but subconsciously you don't want to, because you are getting the attention that you want by saying, look at all what I'm doing.

41:49Look at my suffering. Look at my suffering. And the other thing is because your suffering perhaps is validating you, your existence. Because if I get help, if I do these things, then what am I here for? I'm not needed anymore. Then I'm not worthy. So obviously I think it's subconsciously that I think this is happening inside. If you help me and I'm used to arguing with you, and unless there's an argument in my life, I don't feel alive because I'm used to all the chemicals and the emotions that an argument brings, I don't want to change that because this is me. So if I don't have these things, no, I mean, I do.

42:34You want to change it, but it's your identity. You say you want to change it, but you really don't want to change it. Yeah, yeah. Because it has become your identity. It literally has become your identity, I think. And so it's kind of like comes both ways. Chemically, chemically, you're feeling the emotions. And unless you feel those emotions, you don't feel alive. And the other thing is, if I get all the help and all the stuff, how am I going to get the emotions I was getting for being a martyr? Yeah. And if I get the help, then am I really worth as a person? Yes. Because perhaps me being a martyr proves that I exist, that I'm worthy of your love and recognition and validation.

43:15I don't know. Don't become martyrs. That's going to make your relationship suffer for sure. The next one is they don't use their emotions as weapons. Would you want to say an example?

43:29Not using your emotion as weapons? Yes. I don't really feel like I have a lot of extreme emotions. No, you don't. That I would use as a weapon. So I don't know if I understand this. But I have had previous relationships where, you know, the people I chose would use like the silent treatment emotion. It was like not talking to me for days. as like a weapon it's like i'm not going to speak to you i'm not going to talk to you or i'm going to explode on you if i think you did something wrong would you know would they tell you what you were um maybe maybe not but it's just more of like using as a weapon to try to get i guess me to come back and apologize or like do something differently but really it was like trying to get me to change the person i am to make them feel safe and then if i would change They would keep doing it to change more and more until I've just become a shell of a person.

44:31So using either like a screaming or a sadness emotion or a silent treatment emotion to try to manipulate or weaponize relationship dynamics. That's a manipulation. I think it's very, yeah, it's very destructive. It's exhausting. It's confusing. It's emotionally scary. All these things. It doesn't make you feel like you have a safe nervous system. When the person you love and have committed to emotionally, sexually, spiritually, all these different things, if they're playing emotional games with you. And if they're not just communicating consciously, hey, I've got an issue with this. Can we talk about it?

45:13Yeah. And I think that's what, you know, mentally strong couples don't do is they don't weaponize their emotions. They communicate their emotions calmly or at least consciously. Maybe you're not going to be this perfect like, you hurt me and I'm going to be loving towards you right now. But you're going to say, listen, something's really bothering me and I want to speak to you about it. I don't want to get angry. I want us to have a calm conversation. But I'm really heightened emotion and I want to feel safe. Can you listen to me for a little bit? It's like learning how to approach emotional subjects without weaponizing your emotions.

45:48I didn't have an experience in the past of like the silent treatment. That's got to be horrible. Yeah, it's not fun. It's not. And these are things that highly narcissistic people use. And in my mind, I think they're using them to tame you. Like if you're training a dog or something, it's horrible. But however, I did experience this type of thing. I'm sharing something and the person say, don't bring this up because it makes me angry. And you know it does. And then, you know. And then you end up not discussing that thing that you really wanted to bring up. And so then they're weaponizing the emotion.

46:29This thing makes me angry if you bring it up ever. I'm just whatever. Sure. So then little by little, you start quieting your voice. Yeah. Like it really starts happening. Yeah. And in the previous episodes we did, we talked about, you know, conscious conflict resolution. Yeah. Like learning how to resolve conflict. and not saying, don't speak about this ever, or this makes me angry every time you say this. There are probably things that frustrate me, or maybe I'm like, huh, I don't want to have this conversation right now. But if it's important to you, and if we either say, hey, can we set a time to talk about this if this is not a good time?

47:09Can we schedule a time today, tomorrow, to talk about this? Something's on my heart or my mind, and I want to open up about it. And if we come to a place like we've talked about this before, whenever there is something on our heart or mind, we try to always talk about the good in the other person first. Like, hey, there's something bothering me right now, but gosh, I'm so grateful for you and how you show up for me. And you're always this, this, this in a positive way. But there's something that's been on my heart and mind that I just want to speak about that's frustrating me. I think when we lead with acknowledging so much of the good, it doesn't have to be a thousand things, but acknowledging like you showed up this week in a beautiful way.

47:46I'll hear, hear, hear. But there was one thing that's like on my mind. I just want to talk about it. It's less threatening. You know what I mean? It's less like, otherwise you only bring up a problem or something that's on your heart and mind and you don't speak about the good. It makes the other person feel less valued for all the hard work they're putting in into the relationship to try to show you love, care, support, patience, presence, all those things. And I just think you succeed in relationship more when you acknowledge the person and express gratitude towards the person before you bring up some challenge you're facing.

48:22Yes. I just think you're always going to do it. You're always getting to feel more love instead of frustration and resentment. So they don't use their emotions as weapons. And the next thing I think is massive, which is they don't try to fix each other. And we, you know, we have married friends that, you know, from the beginning of their relationship that, you know, the woman will say, you know, he was a project and I wanted to like, I wanted to help him and I wanted to fix him. And there was, I saw issues in him that I wanted to like help him overcome it. And I think that's coming from a good heart and a good intention, but you can't go into a relationship trying to fix or solve the other person's problems or pain.

49:14Maybe that bonds you in the beginning and allows you to develop some type of relationship where you're like saving the person and they really feel taken care of and you're taking care of them and this like bonding experience, but that's not healthy. No, because then it starts becoming a fusion. Oh, yeah. And then when it becomes a fusion, it goes from a bond to a fusion. Then what happens is you literally create a codependent relationship in which one person is dependent of the other one in order for, you know, me to feel taken care of and helped and seen. You can fix me. Yes. Right? Like, I need you.

49:53I literally need you to feel safe and seen. And then the fixer, that's the codependent person. It's like that's the person that in order for them to feel worthy, they need somebody that really needs them. So they kind of like blend each other perfectly in a bad way because it creates a fusion that is not healthy. Yes. And one, the dependent needs the codependent in order to create these things. and what really you are creating is a prison around the two of you.

50:30And the other thing is, I remember back in the day in therapy, because I was struggling with this same relationship we're talking about, I was like so confused about all these jumping different emotions, all this anger and all this that I wasn't experienced, but I was like the receiving side of it and so then i was coming from a good place into saying hey read this book hey listen to this podcast hey why don't you do this hey why don't you do that and i remember my therapist said at the time you don't realize what you're doing it's coming from a good place because it comes from a really good heart but you're putting yourself above this other person this other person doesn't want you to be their coach they don't want you to be their therapist they want you to be their partner, considering that this person had issues.

51:19And she said, listen, we're going to discuss these other issues that are narcissistic. But like in reality, this is a lesson for you to learn that it's not your job to fix him. It's not your job. What are you doing? You are not only going to end up resenting all the time and all the effort that you're putting, but also he's going to end up resenting you because you're putting yourself above him. Meaning I know better. I have the knowledge. I have the books. I have the podcast. You learn from me. And I had never seen it that way because I always thought I'm coming from this place of being helpful, but just like, yeah.

52:04And it's like, if you're trying to fix someone, you don't accept them for who they are. Yeah. And if you don't accept them, you shouldn't be with them. I don't think you should. It's either accept the person you're choosing to be with. Like get to know the person before you fuse with them, sexually, emotionally, psychologically. Don't fuse or bond with someone before you get to know them. Once you get to know them and you see if their words and their behaviors are in alignment. Match. If they match. Actions and words. Then you have to ask yourself, can I fully accept this person's personality?

52:39All of them. Stuff when they're stressed and overwhelmed. Have we traveled? Have we been around friends and family? Like, can I accept their personality? If I can't, I shouldn't try to fix them. And I shouldn't be with them if I can't accept them. And that's hard for people because you might feel loving emotions towards someone. You might feel chemical emotions. You might feel like I love being around this person. Make me feel alive. but if you can't accept them, why are you with them? Why are you choosing to be with them? And so it's either accept them and be with them. But if you're trying to be with someone and you want to fix them all the time, it's just a recipe for frustration.

53:19They are going to resent you for trying to fix them. And you're going to resent them for not changing. Yeah, I'm putting all this effort and you're not changing. And they're not living up to the changes you want to see in them. They never will. Maybe if they do on their own. You fell in love with them. You fell in love with the projection. The potential of what they could be in your mind. A fantasy of a person that's not real. And they probably will never get to that fantasy. Unless they break up with you and two years later they realize, oh, I want to transform for me. Also, unless they evolve in the relationship.

53:53Because, for example, my parents met when my mom was, they got married, she was 19 and he was 20. Can you imagine how much they... But they both had a growth mindset. Yeah, they did. They both had a willingness to want to grow on their own, not for the other person. Maybe they wanted to become better for their family, but it was like a desire that I want to become a better man. You want to become a better woman. Yeah. We just want to be better in life. And the partner benefits from that growth mindset. Yeah. They also went through things. I'm just saying like in general. Of course. The stories that my parents had shared.

54:28Yeah, they were 19. Literally, they were children. Exactly. But at the same time, they had the love. This is the thing my mom says. Although I got married when I was 19, I asked you the hard questions. Early on. Early on. And I'm not saying you shouldn't encourage your partner to, like, you encourage me to take supplements. You encourage me to do healthy things. When I'm, like, at midnight, I'm like, I want to order some Pinkberry right now. You're like, you sure you want that right now? Yeah, that's what I think. You don't tell me don't do it. No. You say, you sure you want this? You really want this.

55:00Yeah. And sometimes I'm like, yeah. And sometimes I'm like, actually, I don't want it. So there's encouragement and then there's trying to fix and control. And I think when you can be open about that and say, hey, in this relationship, I want to be my best. I want to be willing to grow constantly. It doesn't mean I'm going to do what you want me to do all the time. And I want you to be your best and I'm going to encourage you to grow as well. And I think that's the spirit of growth is where it becomes more beautiful, I think, than if you just say, I wish he or I wish she understood this and was better.

55:39Don't get in a relationship unless you know like, hey, people are complicated. They're complex. They're going to evolve in their own timeline. They are going to evolve. And if you can't accept that, don't get intimate. Just be friends. Because you're going to have these high expectations that you'll never meet. Or be okay that you're going to suffer for a while. Or just be okay that this is who they are. This is the person you've chosen. My dad used to say this about my mom when she has a very explosive personality in my dad also, both of them. Yeah. And so sometimes my mom would go into all these explosions and I was young and I would tell my dad, Dad, but why is it that she's behaving this way, right?

56:18And my dad said to me, what's going on right now is that you want to change your mom. You want to change your mom, but you're not accepting your mom. I know your mom. This is the woman I married. She behaves this way. And all I think about at that moment when she explodes this way is that she's being a little girl. and then inside of me I feel a lot of compassion for the little girl that I know she grew up with basically both of her parents not being with her yeah and so this is how I think my dad has never gone to therapy but he was already he already figured out that his compassion compassionate side of him was coming forward to see the little girl in my mom although she was you know whatever 40 at a time, whatever.

57:07He saw the little girl coming out and he knew how to step aside and watch it and be there for her. Yes. But they figure it out. Like there's a moment, but and then later in life, my mom started catching herself and sometimes she doesn't and sometimes she does. But he says, you're trying to change your mom. I'm walking with your mom in life. Yes. This is where she is right now. So I think that's beautiful. I want to share the, I'm going to go through the next few and just say them. And then we're going to go over the final two. Yes. Because we're getting close to the end of our time. So I'm just going to list these out because there's a lot of people could go through, but there's also the book they can get, 13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don't Do, where they can go through all these different steps.

57:49It's all about fixing what's broken, developing healthier patterns, and growing stronger together. So I'm just going to list these few. They don't try to communicate with disrespect. Again, I don't want to go into this right now, but whenever couples disrespect each other, it just creates resentment. And so don't communicate with disrespect. And it might be challenging to do, but this is just a key foundation. We don't do this. And if we did, we probably wouldn't be together if we were just disrespecting all the time. The eighth thing is they don't blame each other for their problems. Again, big one.

58:24If you have a problem, you can't blame your partner for it. You've got to take ownership of your life and stop being a victim. Do you know what happens, love? Is that when, and this I've learned, and I think it's also in the book, when you have a problem, even if it's a tiny one, right? Let's say you're driving and you're late because there's a lot of traffic, right? And when you're in that problem, you're going to blame traffic. It's easier to blame someone else than to say, oh, I should have left earlier, right? But when you have your partner with you and you're stuck in traffic and you are late, it's easier to blame your partner.

59:04You should have been earlier. You took longer. You took forever to find your purse, whatever it was. It's easier because the, I don't know how you say this in English, but the amygdala, like this part of your brain. that goes into fight or fight, the flight or fight mode, it's so quick to find the next thing next to you to blame it on. So sometimes it also could be in a bigger way if you're going through a hard time in your life for something that if, let's say you're frustrated with your job, with your work, let's say. This doesn't happen. But like, let's say you're frustrated with your work or with a specific person about, you know, your work.

59:45and if I was to come close to you at that moment and I'm not careful, let's say, the scenario hasn't happened, but it would be easier for you to relate that whatever the frustration you're feeling in that moment has to do with me just because I'm close to you. Do you know what I'm saying? But it's because the brain does this chemistry thing. Yeah. Exactly. Don't blame each other for your own problems. The next one really quickly is they don't forget why they fell in love. I think always remembering why you fell in love with the person in front of you. And if you remember that I fell in love because they were attractive or something, just like a sexual chemistry thing, just got to be challenging in the future.

1:00:27You need to say, I fell in love with the full person in front of me and accepting the personality of the person. Otherwise, you're going to be frustrated constantly. And sometimes that thing can be, you know, people fall in love with the adventurous personality of somebody. And then later they are resentful because that adventurous personality is traveling all the time and they want to try the next thing. And you're like, well, but that is the first reason you fell in love with this person. I know. The next thing is they don't expect the relationship to meet all their needs. And this is something that so many people do.

1:01:01And Esther Perel talks about this beautifully, that he's, you know, people get into marriage or relationship and thinking that they're supposed to be your lover, your business partner, your best friend, your therapist, your coach. Aren't you all those things for me? I'm kidding. You're not. You know, no, it's good. No, but it's like when you expect it, and it's something we've done really well is, you know, you do this beautifully because you have so many girlfriends in your life. If you have your mom, you have your family that you talk with, you have activities outside of me that are just yours.

1:01:37You have your career. You have your own projects, movies, your writing, all these things you do amazingly. But you don't need me to fill you up. You have me to add love and richness and share experiences with and have connection and intimacy and all these things. But you're not expecting me to give you everything in your life at all times. You're not waiting by the doorstep or waiting by the phone to get a phone call from me, a text from me to fill you up throughout the day. You have your life. I have my life. We share our lives together. And I think that allows for more harmony to ensue in the relationship because you don't expect me and I don't expect you to fill all of our needs.

1:02:20You know, this is where I said that romanticism really hurts our lives. Yes. You know, what we see in TV shows, what we see in movies, what we hear in songs, all this romantic idea that your partner is going to be your best friend, but also your lover, but also your psychologist, but also your confidant, but also, you know. Your bank. Your bank. But all these different things, like, what are we doing? Can you imagine? It's exhausting to think about. And yet, this is the picture we're being sold about love. This is what, like, literally they hammer you on with this. Like, this is what love's supposed to be.

1:02:59That person's supposed to be there for you in all these different aspects. In my opinion, there's things, for example, that I can be struggling with that I can share with you. I always share everything with you. But, I mean, wouldn't it be nice sometimes to have a little bit of a filter and say, you know what? This thing is just an emotion. It's going to come and it's going to go. Why would I even bring it up? or if this thing is something that has to do with my period and has to do with hormones. You don't need to bring everything to me. No, I have friends, girlfriends that I go, has it ever happened to you that this thing and we vent with each other, yes, this thing and you let it go.

1:03:39And then I let it go and then by the time I see you I don't even have it in my mind. Exactly. It's not that I don't want to bring it up I just don't have it anymore. You know, so it's balancing all these things. Don't expect relationships to meet all your needs. Let me go through the last three really quickly. They don't neglect their partnership, meaning they're willing to keep investing in it. They don't take each other for granted, which is a big one. Something we do every night is we talk about what we're grateful for from the day and what we're grateful for of each other. And it's like, it doesn't have to be all day long what I appreciate about you.

1:04:13But I think once a day, a little moment of just saying, here's what I appreciate about you. It just shows you're not taking each other for granted. And it doesn't mean if maybe words of affirmation is not your strategy for love. And it could just be, I'm going to do service. I'm going to do other things to show I'm not taking for granted, but finding what works for you. I want to ask you something, because I think this is important. What makes a man feel appreciated? I mean, it's probably different for every man, but for me, I like hearing thank you. I like hearing thank you for what you do. You know, as a provider, someone is going to go out and want to provide and want to lead, protect, provide and serve.

1:05:04All I want and I think all a lot of men want is thank you for doing what you do for us. How important is appreciation for a man? I think it's very important, but I think it's important for me. And I think if you didn't just say thank you, it doesn't need to be like, you're the most amazing man, like every day, but just thank you. That's all it is. Thank you for doing this. Thank you for thinking of me. Thank you for providing for us. Thank you for taking care of this. I will freaking do anything, you know. I will go above and beyond with just a little thank you and a little appreciation. It's why you do it so well.

1:05:37You do it so well with me. And I think it just makes me want to go create more and serve more and show up for you more because you give a little and I'm going to give a lot. You give more, I'm going to keep giving more. So it's just it makes you feel seen, accepted for the work you're doing when no one's watching. And I think that's what I appreciate and it's what I think a lot of men appreciate. I think it goes both ways, too. I think it's important for women to feel appreciated for all the things that we do that sometimes men can take for granted. Yes. You know, even little things that we think about.

1:06:15Oh, he doesn't have any socks. I'm going to get him some. Yeah. Oh, I heard him talking about this vitamin thing. I'm going to research and buy it more. You know, all these things. And let's imagine a situation. This doesn't happen to us, but I heard about it. They're like, all of these Amazon boxes. What is this thing that you, you know? And then you may not know. You open these boxes and some of them are things that you didn't know you needed. Exactly. Right? And so I think it's a good recipe to start healthy or bring back health into the relationship. To be appreciative with each other because it is a fuel that charges you as a couple and as a person.

1:06:57that's it for me like when you say oh i appreciate you did this you know what it makes me do it makes me want to do more exactly and when you appreciate something it appreciates in value yes so pour appreciation into your partner as frequently as you can and the final one is uh they don't stop growing and again this is 13 things mentally strong couples don't do make sure you guys get a copy of this book so good uh we went through it when we were just dating and it allowed us to create dynamics, exercises, and reflections based on learning about what couples do do well and what couples don't do well.

1:07:35We just scratched the surface on this, but I would love for you to share which one of the 13 things in the comments below resonated with you the most. Maybe something that you don't do yet that you need to do better or one that you do that really helps you in your relationship. So share that below. Leave us a comment. Let us know what you think. Make sure to follow Martha on her YouTube channel and all of her social media. We'll have that linked in the description below. We had a couple previous episodes that we did about our marriage journey. If you want to learn more about that, go watch or listen to that.

1:08:09Do you know what's cool? And we can do this too if you want to, but if people leave questions, sometimes people are going through something and say, hey, what does Lewis think about this? Or What do Marta think? How do we do? That's really cool. Like one day bringing these questions. Absolutely. Share any questions you have. Yeah, share them below in the comments. Also because we're learning with them. We are. We don't have all the answers. No. We're three months in marriage, but I feel like we've done stuff that works for us. And we're not expecting people to read 20 books and go to every workshop.

1:08:46But I think if you can learn a little bit from here and take it a little deeper, it's going to support you in your relationship. Whether you're in one now or you want to be one in the future, always be growing. That's the last one of the 13 things. You do that. We do that. I love you. You're amazing. I love you too. Te amo. And I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy. and if you're looking to create more financial freedom in your life, you want abundance in your life and you want to stop making money hard in your life, but you wanna make it easier, you wanna make it flow, you wanna feel abundant, then make sure to go to makemoneyeasybook.com right now and get yourself a copy.

1:09:31I really think this is gonna help you transform your relationship with money this moment moving forward. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review.

1:10:10I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.