3 Mindset Shifts To Completely Transform Your Life & Relationships

32:40And he began to show me how to do it. This is like amazing to see when we're on one accord and I'm following. He told me, he's like, yo, it's time. I think I called you maybe last year. I'm like, yo, I need to. And he was like, no, no, you're just supposed to call and say, what's up? You know, and then this time it was like, yep, you need to do it. You know, I was like, all right, I got it, Brandon. I think I was like, all right, you know what I'm saying? So just listen to him doing what he's telling me to do and coach me. So I would say, you know, don't spiritualize it and make it too. It's the coach and just get a relationship with the coach.

33:10Let the coach get a relationship with you and just do what he tells you to do. And you're going to love the results. And so I don't want to just be happy. I want the creator to go. Yeah, I'm grateful that I created you. and I see you're doing in the world what it was that I wanted you to do and now also for yourself what I wanted you to do because I wanted you to be happy to I didn't want your life to just be about work and being a blessing I wanted you to be blessed as well so that's it

33:40you're a very driven person you've shown that over your whole career right in your life overcome a lot of different challenges and adversities in the first time in so many different ways when someone is going through a dark time and however that looks for them a breakup a death a letdown any type of dark time in their life is it possible to keep being driven in your career and your goals and your dreams when you're going through sadness and darkness and grief and loss without also being able to heal on the process. Can you heal and be driven at the same time? Or is it only you can be driven because you're masking the pain and the suffering and you're not actually addressing it?

34:30Is it possible to do both, be driven in the darkness? Yeah. Well, that's what's so beautiful about this experience in life, right? Is that like we don't have to be one-dimensional, that all things can be true at the same time. You know, it's the reason why it's like, I remember once shortly after Peter had died, I was sitting with a friend and she was telling me a story and I started laughing hysterically. You know, it was like - After he died. Yeah, it was like from my belly, you know, the kind of laugh that makes you want to fall over and slap something, you know, that kind of laugh. And then almost stopping short because I was like, oh, I'm supposed to be sad.

35:07You know, I'm not supposed to laugh like this. The truth of the matter is that like, isn't that what life is? You know, even when you're grieving, you can have belly laughs that take you out of that pain for however long that is. Maybe it's a second or maybe it's five minutes or maybe it's a few days, you know? So like, if you're in a dark place, can you still be driven? Of course you can. You know, it's not a constant either though, you know, where like being gentle with yourself and knowing that like, even when you're in the darkness, there will be times when you don't feel like getting up. But it's not forever.

35:44Or to feel badly that you're driven even though you're going through something. So even when, yeah, it was like when I decided to move from New York and take the next job and people were like, shouldn't you be in a cave somewhere crying your eyes out? Why are you so ambitious? Sit down. You know? And yeah, I did question myself too. Like, why am I not sitting down somewhere? Like, why am I still out here pushing? You know, like there were, there have been many, many moments like that. And I don't think that there has to be only one definition for how we are, you know? So like, yes, if you're in a place where you feel like the textbook expectation should be that you should take one step at a time, take it one day at a time.

36:38I hate that phrase, by the way. Instead of taking it one day at a time, what should we do? We should take it all. Do everything. All at once. Make it messy. Make it unpredictable. Defy logic. Why does it have to be so ordered? One day at a time for what? One step at a time for what? Sometimes I'm going to run. Sometimes I'm going to skip. Sometimes I'm going to go backwards. Sometimes I'm going to lay down. Sometimes I'm going to sit up and look at the world. And sometimes, yes, I will take one step. But why does it have to be so ordered all the time? And so the freedom in that, I think, allows us then to be multiple things at one time.

37:16So that, yes, you can be driven and in a dark place. You can be hurting and still laugh. You can be healing and still trying to figure out how to avoid the next hurt. You know? Like, all of those things can be true at the same time. It doesn't have to mean that you're wrong or that you're doing it wrong. you know it's like there's no definition for how you're supposed to live your life and i think that's also the other beautiful thing you know the fact that like no one has ever been where i am before another person on the planet you know and so it's like why would i subscribe to this step somebody else thinks i should be ordered for me right there's no plan no one fully understands no one your life experiences they might be able to relate to some things but they don't fully understand and comprehend everything.

38:07Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's so much freedom in that. It's like, you don't have to listen to anybody. Right, exactly. You know, and so it's like, yes, you can, you can be hurt and trying to heal, maybe taking the steps to healing, you know, whether that's therapy or you're working on something that you feel like, or taking a risk that you would have been fearful of before, but still like being driven about this thing or like being, you know, like, okay, I'm gonna accomplish this even though I'm not 100%. Like, that's the thing that always, like, I'm thinking about is that, like, again, you don't have to have a full tank of gas to get to the other side of town.

38:43You know what I mean? Maybe you had a quarter tank, and you know that it's gonna take you, like, you know, just up to that, like, right at that quarter to get there. You know, it's like, go anyway. Why does the tank have to be full? You know what I mean? So for me, I'm constantly thinking about that, that like i'm still in the process of healing you know that that whole statement about like time heals all heals all wounds it's a bull okay it does not you say that because my i've got an emotional coach that i work with i was telling you about pretty much every two weeks uh and she says like healing is a journey it's not like a destination where you're like okay now i'm healed it's okay now I've come to an awareness about the things now I've started processing it and I'm integrating the lessons now oh now I went back two steps because I triggered again now I reintegrate and I process it some more and time helps but it may not heal all yeah you know what I mean so it's it's our constant awareness of it constant grace in the process of being a human being yes of it you know what I mean yes you know he just made me think of something because like this idea of like um waiting to heal before you do the thing that's like the opposite of living the urgent life you know because if you're constantly waiting until you are healed or you're constantly waiting until that next thing happens or you get to the right spot or then you won't be fulfilled in your life you know if i waited to be totally healed from the trauma of my husband dying i would not have moved across the country sure if i was waiting to be healed from the death of my first child I would not be a mother today you know if I was waiting like all these things that we're waiting to accomplish or waiting to be fixed before you can do the next thing it's just it's like a waste of time yeah I think it's inspiring when we have the courage to do the next thing and be aware that we're on a healing journey yes you know I'm never going to be fully healed but I'm in the process of it I'm working on it I'm I'm doing this and I'm going to do it anyway.

40:51And there's no shame. Yeah, exactly. There's no shame in that. You know, by the way, that's another like whole unlock that I had for myself and in my career, believe it or not, was that I opened this vulnerability that I had closed off before. You know, this idea of the perfection, that things had to be great and like complete in order to move to the next thing. and very quickly I mean I was kind of thrown into it when I accepted the job with Jimmy that like I had no idea what music streaming was I'd never done that before I was not an expert in it but it didn't mean that I couldn't go do it and guess what I figured it out you know what I mean or like moving anything in my life which has felt like gosh I need to like really have conquered this thing in order to move to the next one has been a lie and it is actually how I counsel a lot of women especially who are like early in their career or mid-career even you know that um who are waiting to rack all the things before they take the next risk right I'm just like oh you know that like that actually doesn't work right like you don't you can't wait until like you've checked off every box before you jump to the next thing that you got to do you gotta leave some room for growth you know your your cup is if it's all the way full how you gonna put more stuff in it you know what i'm saying like it's you gotta have a little bit open at the top in order to pour more experiences in there right you know so it's like if you're ever just like full to the brim you've checked off everything then there's no more growth for you so as i even look at myself that is where i am now where it's just like there is no more growth if you're all the way full, if you're checked off everything before you take the next risk, where are you gonna put the stuff that you're getting?

42:45You know? So yes, leave the tank like quarter full. Well, that's why I think it's really cool because in this off season that you're having in this last year, you're filling up your cup of your health and wellness. You're filling up your relationship cups. You're filling up your adventure and travel cups, you know, your relaxation cup. You're filling those up, but you're emptying your cup of career and success and this to see the space of what can come in next. That's right. To see where you can grow into next. Yeah. So I think it's a great analogy. It's like, you know, fill another cup, you know.

43:18Yeah. But that cup, you got to empty it out. Yeah, exactly. Or get more cups. You know what I mean? Get more cups. You know what I mean? It's like, maybe my corporate cup is full. Sure. I have a brand new cup. But you look like you're in your best health and wellness phase of your, you know, since I've known you. Oh, yeah. Not that you were not in great shape before or emotionally in a good place, but you, you feel energetically peaceful. I see you training, I see you getting healthy in even better ways. I see you with photos with your daughter and things like this, and just enjoying life together, traveling and bringing her in your life more and those trips.

43:54I'm sure you did that before too. And so you're able to experience things in a different way to allow for things to open up, which I think is great. Absolutely, absolutely. But that's also, like I said, part of the learning of this, you know, which is just like, I don't have to have had things complete in order to move to the next thing. You know, I'm sure there are people who would look at my career and say, oh, but you haven't done that thing yet. You know, don't you think you should do that before you retire? Right. You know, but like, do I need it? Probably not. You know, so it's like, why, why continue?

44:30You know, why continue to do that thing? so again I think is a lot of a lot of it really just has to do with self-reflection at the end of the day yes you know listening to your own spirit listening to your own needs and wants um and making sure that you're not lying to yourself you know based on the stories that other people have told you based on narratives that are running around the planet that you've accepted as the truth and maybe were lies you know what I mean so I feel like there's such an opportunity for me to, you know, to relook at everything and yes, be a healthier human and focus more on like, yeah, my physical health.

45:08Yes. And focus on my relationship with my daughter, you know, explore the planet in ways that I haven't before. You know, like in 2022, I did a little Instagram reel about this that I, every month last year, I worked out in a different country. You worked out in a different country. Yeah. It's pretty cool. It was fantastic. That's awesome. But you know, it was like, God, what a dream, you know, to be in a place where I'm financially secure enough to do that. That's cool. Where I have the time to do that. You spent 20 years building your career and your, you know, stacking your income and saving and investing so that you have the opportunity after 20 years to do that.

45:48Yeah. And to take advantage of it now. And enjoy it. Yeah. And have an urgency around it. Man, because like, what am I going to do? When I'm 75? Well, hopefully I'll still be working out and still healthy. But you know what I'm I'm saying like, waiting for that is not the answer. So even in that I have urgency. So there's this, you know, I love your story about you were satisfied at 20 something years old in the back of the, you know, the cab or the black car, and you're satisfied now. And I think a lot of people hear this concept of never be satisfied, but we were just talking about how, you know, be satisfied with where you are, but also be striving for your purpose, your mission, and stepping into that.

46:30And what are your thoughts on the idea of never be satisfied? You know what? I understand why somebody would say that. You know, like, you should always be hungry. Like, you should always be chasing. That's a good motivator, you know, to get the next thing so that you wake up and you want to go get it. But that's a terrible way to live. It's a complete, I vehemently disagree with the concept that you should never be satisfied. you know it's like you should you should be satisfied you should be satisfied you should wake up feeling satisfied with your life it doesn't mean that you don't want the next thing of course you want the next thing but like if if life were to end today would you want to have lived an unsatisfied life would you want like like i think i really do think of peter at that at those last days, you know, and think about all the things that he was unsatisfied about.

47:24I don't want that for myself. I don't want that for you. I don't think any of us should live that way. So be satisfied. You know, and that doesn't mean lesser than. Be satisfied even if you're just starting out as an assistant getting coffee, if you're the CEO, if you're anywhere in between, if you're in an off season. Yes, be satisfied. Be satisfied with how wonderful you have it. Even the least of us, even the people who are in this terrible place, like I said, we can be satisfied. The day after Peter died, actually, no, it was a few days later because we were having his funeral. He died on December 11th, 2013.

48:10It was four days before his 44th birthday. And so on his 44th birthday, December 15th, we had his funeral and made it a party. And I was sitting there and kind of in a haze, but then also that moment of clarity where I'm looking around the room and his fraternity brothers are drinking beers and they're sharing stories about him. And my daughter's sleeping on my mom's lap. And I've got my sisters in the corner trying to busy themselves, you know like getting out plates of food and whatnot and see people connecting and it was the oddest thought you know i looked around i was just like wow like this is a good this is a good group you know this is this is a great place to be to have this and so i was satisfied in that moment the most terrible thing had happened in my life but i was looking around and feeling very satisfied with who I had around me.

49:11And that I think is what I would like for all of us to consider that even when things are bad and going wrong, you can still be satisfied. You can still feel like, ah, this is it. And it is okay. Yeah, it's okay. I'm a big fan of the title of the book, The Urgent Life. And when I saw this, I was just thinking to myself, yes right away because we have like similar completely different experiences but similar feelings probably from experiences we've had so my father went got in an accident he had a traumatic brain injury and was in a coma for three months when I was 21 and I remember he we didn't know if he was gonna live or die but he eventually woke up after three months and he was a completely different person.

50:05Like he was physically alive, but emotionally and mentally kind of gone. It took him a while to like learn how to talk again. He wasn't able to work anymore. He had amnesia. So when I'd see him, like, what's your name again? It was just a different type of relationship, right? I had to learn to love my father for who he was, and start to grieve the man that he once was before, right? And I remember thinking he was in his early 50s when this happened. He had worked so hard for 30 years as a life insurance salesman, where he finally was starting to make money where he could like travel and have some freedom in his life.

50:43And he was starting to feel like he was happy for the first time, fully happy. And then this accident happened. And I remember being really angry at life that my dad didn't get to go live the rest of his life the way he wanted to. and I felt like I had so much urgency to go pursue everything I wanted. Like from that moment on, I was like, I'm not gonna let any fear or insecurity hold me back. It might still be there, but I'm at least gonna take the actions on my goals, my dreams and live urgently because what if this happens to me? What if I get in a car accident tomorrow? And something like that happens to me, I'd be sad that I didn't at least go try.

51:23and this you know again completely different experience you had but it created a feeling of urgency in your life with your ex-husband right with your husband yeah and um which was almost 10 years ago yeah is that right yeah 10 years in this December and can you explain the story about what had happened with your husband around wanting to get divorced and then cancer situation and how this how being in a very dark sad challenging time sad time wanted you to create urgency at the same time and living to your best self during sadness can you explain a little bit about that well first of all I um I really appreciate what you just said and shared about your dad you know because um I feel that for all of us who are living this life on on this like hurtling rock that we call home.

52:18We don't always have to have had the same experience to understand essentially the concept of what I'm talking about. You know, this need for urgency. And it's not necessarily about the rush through life, it's about the intention. You know, knowing like you said, like, you know, I wanna do these things because what if? So then you're intentional about saying, okay, I wanna live a big life, or I wanna go do this thing that I'm dreaming of, or I want to push a little harder because like what if, right? And the same thing for me in that like I don't think of the end of life in this morbid way where I'm just like, oh, today might be my last day.

52:54I don't think of it in a morbid way. It's very inspiring to me actually. It makes me want to get up and go do the thing. You know, and again, it's not about a rush. It's like I want to make the best use of my time that I have. I don't know how long it is, but I want to make the best use of it. And I'm also conscious of the fact that I won't do everything. And so that means that I have to be very intentional about the things I choose to do. Because if you walk around thinking like, oh, I have the time, I'll just do everything at some point, ooh, then maybe you don't get to do anything at all. So I'm intentional in knowing that like, oh, okay, I might not get a chance to complete everything, so what's the most important thing?

53:33And then I wanna do those things. And so at the time in December of 2013, when Peter passed away, we were there. you know where you know your stories are true you're sitting at the deathbed and you're talking about all the things you wish you'd done mm-hmm is that what he was saying oh yeah we talked about so much the things he wanted to do his hopes and dreams what he wants for Leel our daughter like what he wanted for her in the future you know all of those things and I was sitting there listening and thinking and crying and making promises and all of the things and knowing that I need to change the way I live.

54:17He wouldn't have a chance to do it over. So I need to do it. And it was such a dark time also because we were already going through so much on top of being at death's door. That our marriage had fallen apart. We had been separated for a couple of years already through so much, oh gosh, additional traumas that happened to us, misunderstandings, anger, you know, that we couldn't overcome with just love. You know, you think that like - Unmet expectations, everything, yeah. Oh man, you think love conquers everything. And no, it does not. Love is not enough. Love is not enough. You know, love is not enough.

55:01And it was all of that turmoil that led us to that moment where I am sitting holding his hand and his breath gets shallower and shallower, you know, and thinking about all the things I would have done differently if I had a shot to do it again, you know. It's not necessarily that, like, oh, I wish life had turned out differently. It's just that I wish I had been motivated differently. What were you motivated by? before then oh man i think at that time i was motivated by just my own need for my own life you know not really focused on anybody else's and that's that sounds very selfish but that's where i was right you know it was it was not i i was a mother and a wife i was solely focused on myself.

55:59Really? Yeah. I mean, it's like, you know, there was so much that had happened on my path to motherhood. And it's another one of the things that like, you know, now I talk about so openly because we also paint motherhood like it's supposed to be like this great, amazing thing that like, oh, you get pregnant and then all of a sudden it's like, oh, all this love shows up from nowhere. And you're just like encapsulated by this person. It's like, no, that actually doesn't happen all of the time you know moments of that might happen moments that might happen but the majority of time is probably like cleaning diapers and feeding and pumping and all the things that moms have to do and sitting there and being like oh hell i made a mistake right this is this is not what i wanted in my life you know and struggling with that and there were so many times where i thought about that you know it's like wow like you know is is is this life what i actually wanted it and so then at that moment in December of 2013 I was like oh no I have to make the life wow that I want I have to make it I have to be an active participant in it you don't just sit back and let the life happen to you right you have to make it wow what was the biggest lesson during that time you feel like you learned um about his regrets about him not doing the things that he wanted to do yeah what opened up for you during that time that shifted yeah if anything did shift for you in that this might sound funny but i think logic is what surprised me most uh-huh the logic of things you know the writing down it's like almost like the writing down of the plan yeah things that make sense because you're like oh i'm gonna do this these things i'm logically gonna take these steps in order to get to that thing right and all of his regrets everything that he wanted to do that he didn't get a chance to do was based on the logic of the steps to get to that thing that he never got to like just scheduling it in the calendar or like yeah and then it's like oh I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that and then all based on logic life is not made of logic life is magic is the accidental encounters is the things that you can't explain the feeling that you get in your belly that makes you feel alive and glittery or it makes you super sad or you don't want to get out of bed and the sky just looks gray and then maybe one thing happens you're like oh okay I can do it you know that's that's life and being open to that is actually what gives you the experiences so therefore when perhaps you don't accomplish everything that was on your plan you still feel really happy about the things that you did do because it was also magical you know and I'm not talking about like these big firework things i'm talking about the little stuff too you know the new person that you meet on the way to somewhere you know or like the like meal that you had that you didn't think was going to be delicious that you just really savored yeah it was just magically amazing you know and just being appreciative of those moments so again it's like the life is not just about like the big big big stuff it's not the headlines you know so to me it's like logic is what I then throw out the window interesting I'm not gonna live a logical life I'm gonna live a magical life the kind that is open to all of the things I can't explain mm-hmm you know that like the writing down of the list and the making the steps no I'm not saying that you walk around just like huh not a daddy dog whatever happens today is what happens you know like look we all got to to be responsible adults, okay.

59:31But the truth of the matter is that like, how many of our plans have been stopped because of logic? The things that you said like, ah, well, shoot, I can't do that because of this reason, that reason and that reason. And sometimes it's other people's logic that actually stops you from doing things you wanna do. And so I wanna stop that. I've been active in being like, every time I approach a new ambition or a new idea, or like, oh, I wanna take a trip here, and that logic starts to come in, I'm like, girl, where's that magic? you better just step out and let the magic find you. You know? And not stop yourself because the math is mathing.

1:00:07Right. It doesn't make sense logically. Nah, it doesn't make sense logically. Allow wonder and synchronicity to enter your life. Yes, to happen. Because I can't tell you how many things have happened in my life that don't make sense. Right. The fact that I've had the career I've had doesn't make sense. It's not logical. There's no stat. Even when you look at things like, oh, you know how many black women CMOs have had jobs at four like Fortune 50 companies? There's no math. There's no data point because it doesn't exist. But I exist. So can you explain that? No, you cannot. So opening yourself up to like these things is what actually creates your destiny to like run the way that it should, you know?

1:00:54I'll give you one example. When Peter died in December of 2013, I was at PepsiCo. I'd been there for 10 years. Wow. It was a great job. You know, I'd done many iterations of things. And at that time, I was the head of music and entertainment marketing. And so I had been part of the team that did deal with the NFL for the Super Bowl halftime show. I put Beyonce on that stage. Like, it was like, you know, it was huge. I had a great, exciting career. And then Peter died. And I looked around and I was like, man, like, you know. I think I want to do more things. Am I going to sit here for another 10 years in New York City doing this, or have I had enough of this?

1:01:36And as I formulated that thought, I went to, I think it was NBA All-Star or something like that. And I met somebody that I knew very lightly, who told me that Jimmy Ivey and Dr. Dre had started their company Beats Music off for the back of Beats by Dre and that they were looking for head of marketing, would I be interested? And the job was in LA. My husband had been dead maybe two months. I had a four year old child that I was trying to figure out how to raise by myself, you know, like all these things. And so logic would tell you that no, sit your down. You know what I mean? Like sit, waste your life.

1:02:16Figure out how to be a widow and a single mom and the main breadwinner, like figure that stuff out. Calm down, get some therapy, you know? Just sit and be quiet for a second. Grieve. Let a year go by, and then figure out what you want to do. But instead, I was like, it really doesn't make any sense for me to leave Pepsi, a long-established company, and go to Beats Music, where it's barely a company. Some new thing, yeah. I didn't even know what music streaming was. I had no idea what the hell that was. I had no idea. but I came and came to LA and took a meeting with Jimmy and he was talking about stuff that I had no idea about and when I resigned from PepsiCo to take the job everybody told me it was a bad idea it was when I tell you there was not one person who supported it not even my mother no one, everybody thought I lost my mind people thought I was acting out of grief maybe I was But the magic was that that opportunity opened up the next 10 years of my life.

1:03:22It was the magic, the spark that I needed. It changed everything for me, Louis, everything. And what would have happened if you would have listened to everyone else's fears and not made the jump? Well, my friend, that's a great unknown. I don't wanna get to the end of my life and ask that question. I don't wanna sit there and say like, man, what would I have done if I'd taken that leap? Just tried that other thing. Maybe you fail, but that's okay. You know, you can pick yourself up again. It's okay. For sure. And so sometimes I look around and like, especially when I'm like, you know, talking to a friend who's just like, oh girl, I can't do that because of that.

1:03:57And it's just like, but why? Like, why don't you believe you can do it? You did that thing and that thing and that thing. And again, it doesn't have to be like the world changing thing that got headlines, but like your everyday accomplishments and did this thing simply went into that workplace that you feel like demeans you and you still had a smile on your face right like what an accomplishment that is you know or any anything that you did so it's like why why then do you not feel like you have the power to be able to overcome the things even if they're unknown to you yeah that's how i feel.

1:04:42What are the three biggest reasons why people fail in a relationship? Why they end up getting divorced, end up getting separated, breaking up? Why do you think the... What are those three things that cause that? All right, so number one, lack of healing. Lack of healing because lack of healing probably leads them to choosing the wrong person to begin with which is the foundation for disaster because at that point there's not... Everything else I'm about to mention you can't really work it out with this person because you're just not in alignment with them it's not a good fit and so a lot of people are trying to make things work with someone they just they just can't match up with properly you know.

1:05:20Is that trauma bonding or what is that how does that play in a part? Some of it is trauma bonding some of it is individual so what's happening is this this phenomena if you want to call it that people are choosing individuals that that are good enough to be with but they don't really make them feel deeply about them. Because if I'm a man or a woman and I've been hurt before and I've been hurt when I let my heart out completely I fear being that vulnerable. So, now you don't really ever learn how to not feel deeply about someone if they're just that person but people learn who I can deal with and not fall deeply for.

1:06:01So, okay, I can be with this person and maintain emotional control, they don't take me there. So, I don't ever feel like I'm too vulnerable in this situation. Do you think a lot of women choose the safe guy as opposed to the right guy? Absolutely. And the safe choice is almost always, if not always, the wrong choice. Oh, man. Why is a safe choice always the wrong choice for a woman? So, think about it. In order for it to be safe, it means you are not deeply invested. You may be invested. it may be deep compared to certain people's perceptions of deep but it's not as deep as you know you can go.

1:06:40It's not as deep into where you feel like you'll be devastated by it. So, you're starting from a deficit as far as I'm not fully into this, I'm not fully into this guy but again, he may be good enough for me to work with and try to be with. But because you already have a built-in void so, what happens is this, she chooses this man, she's not really into him. let's say she's not that attracted to him. And it's not that he's not a good looking guy, she's just not attracted to him that like that. Well, because you don't have that attraction you're not going to pour into him at the same level that he needs you to.

1:07:14You won't be as intimate with him, you may not talk to him the way that he wants to be talked to, you're not going to give him the same energy that you would someone you're actually very much attracted to. Well, that void initially he may not catch on to that or let that bother him because if he is indeed a man who is of a lower position than her or lower quality than her he may just be happy to have this woman oh my gosh i can't believe i have her so he's infatuated he's going in he's blinded by his desires for her but at some point the smoke clears and then he realizes wait a minute okay i have her but i'm not being treated the way i want to be treated.

1:07:56I'm getting walked all over. Exactly. It's all about her. Yes, I don't get the respect that I deserve here. And here's what's crazy. When that woman dates that man who she's not really into like that, and let's just say she dates down. Well, she just raised his stock to every other woman that's watching this. That's true. They're looking and they're saying, how did he get her? What does he have? He must have something. He must have something. Big pockets. Big something else. Big something else, yeah. So, power something. Now, these women want to find out. Do you think women really think that way when they see a guy who maybe is...

1:08:34Hell yeah. Of, you know, hypothetical less quality or seeming less quality than the woman that they're with, that they start to be more attracted to that guy? Yes, and even... Even if it's not of a lower quality, if as a man you are seen with an attractive woman, a high-quality woman, a desirable woman, you become more desirable to other women. I've talked to friends where they've even gone to clubs. They'll go there with a woman and they'll get more attention. And when that woman walks away, some of these women will try to slide in and slip in a number here and there. Why do women do this? It seems like women don't have ethics or don't have integrity as opposed to saying, hey, I appreciate and I'm happy for you too.

1:09:24Why is it that some women... Yes, some women. ...want to get in there and try to quote unquote steal the man or influence the man to stray? Well, so it starts with the fact that women have this perception that quality men are... They're not in abundance out here. Yes, they're very scarce. So, when you come across one or you think you come across one, a lot of them have the mentality of, oh, no, I have to try to get my foot in the door and see if I can get this for myself. If they thought it was abundant out there, then there'd be less press to do that. But what happens if a guy, okay, leaves the person he's with for you?

1:10:01Is that woman then gonna be confident that he wouldn't do it again? It depends. I think there are some women who convince themselves, like there's plenty of women who have taken a man from a woman or who have accepted that man leaving one woman for her. And to her, she's good. As long as she's getting what she needs, she's good. But I do think that in the back of their head, once something starts to go wrong, that's when those thoughts start to creep in. I wonder if he's talking to someone else. Why isn't he giving me the attention anymore? Exactly. And now, and I think it's even more likely that someone who knows about the situation will remind her, well, you got him this way, so you might lose him the same.

1:10:42And now the insecurities really start to kick in and it starts to become a huge problem. You talked about attraction and it started to get you off track. No problem. you talked about attraction what do you think is more important sexual attraction or spiritual attraction for a woman i'm i'm gonna say spiritual attraction more than sexual but i'm saying that with hesitancy all right you're pausing i'm i'm not 100 the only reason why i'm leaning towards spiritual is because I believe that women value intimacy, non-sexual intimacy way more than actual just raw sex, okay. So, if you had door number one, hugs, kisses, caresses, you know, being emotionally available, door number two just straight sex.

1:11:31Women are choosing... Most women are choosing door number one, most men are choosing door number two. And so, because of that value for the deeper levels of intimacy, I feel like spiritual attraction kind of fortifies that, whereas sexual attraction may not get them those things. So that's why I would pick spiritual attraction. Wow. What would you say for any guy listening or watching, if they wanted to attract the woman of their dreams or essentially any woman that they really desired, if they wanted to attract that, who would they need to become in order to set themselves up to attract an incredible, lifelong, loving partner who gave them a fulfilling, joyful life?

1:12:17Mm-hmm. I would say they would have to become their most confident, masculine self. Mm-hmm. Whatever that looks like. It's going to look different for every guy, but at the foundation of it, there must be confidence in who he is and he must exude that masculine energy. Not saying there aren't men who can't get them a loving partner not being the most masculine dude, but you have a better chance at achieving it when you can walk in your masculine energy. That's the power of the man. What if there's a man who is extremely masculine but lacks confidence? What type of partner does he attract typically?

1:12:57Well, I think lacking confidence it undermines the masculine energy. It's hard to be that masculine presence if you are lacking in self-esteem, lacking in self-respect. The things you're going to allow a woman to get away with is going to start to lose... Cause her to lose attraction for you. So, it's almost like if you become her yes man, a lot of women don't want a yes man. Most women don't want a yes man. It might sound good to some initially, but over time, she gets tired of the fact that you can't think for yourself, that you aren't giving your own perspective, that you aren't confident enough to stand in your own vision and your plan.

1:13:32So, that immediately takes you out of your masculine energy because now you're trying to become so accommodating to the point that you've lost yourself in that process. And that doesn't work well in the long term. I mean, think... Whenever you hear stories of nice guys being run over and getting played, it usually involves this man who is just trying to do everything the woman wants and just putting all his desires to the side to make her happy that doesn't work not like that it doesn't that's kind of like the safe man right yes so the safe man is not always the right man is what I think I heard you say right typically but doesn't a woman want to feel safe in an environment with their man yes but the safety so the safety that's being achieved by picking the safe choice is I don't have to be too vulnerable in this relationship.

1:14:28So, I'm able to guard myself from devastating hurt and disappointment that I've probably experienced at least once before at least at a level that I felt like I don't ever want to go there again. That's very different than the man who she is completely invested in, completely in love with and he understands the need to provide safety and security for her. The need to make the situation or the relationship more stable for her where she can rest in her feminine energy, so to speak, while she's with him. That's two different types of safeties. So, it's like, okay, if you choose a safe man, but essentially it sounds like that's a space where you don't have to fully open up and be vulnerable.

1:15:09It's a space where you probably know you're in control, where you're probably have more value to offer, or this person is desiring you way more than you desire them. And that's the big one. It's a situation where she feels like he wants me or he loves me more than I do him. And that's where they feel like it is safe, but again, it doesn't work in the long run. Never. Yeah, I want to say never. I should never say never, but I'm going to use that word right now. Because if someone, if you are in a relationship like that, and maybe you're not even conscious that you're doing it in the beginning, but you realize a year, two years in, okay, you know, the person I've chosen really doesn't step into his confidence or his masculine energy he'll do anything i wanted to do at all times he stops his dreams for my dreams whatever it is what is typically the women you've worked with how do they what do they say about that what do they feel about that and what is their struggle is it they want to leave is it they just feel bad they don't feel the connection anymore what is it that they feel well so it's it's a tricky place because at that point it's hard for them to fully express what's going on.

1:16:21Like, one of the things I tell women is that one of the worst positions to be in is with a man you're not truly in love. Well, with a good man you're not truly in love with. Why is that the worst position? Because at that point if she's feeling empty, she's feeling bored, she's feeling unsatisfied, who can she run to and say this to that won't say but wait a minute, you have a great man, you can't do that, oh just work. Like, no one's going to say oh yeah, you know what I get it just walk away. Now, I won't say no one but most people aren't going to allow that to be a good enough reason for her to walk away.

1:16:54So, she knows she's going to get pushed back from people but not just pushed back from people from her own self. It's like okay, wait a minute do I leave this great guy who loves me so much which is so safe here even though I'm not really that happy, I'm not fulfilled or maybe I'm not that attracted to him. That's a tough position to be in because it's like it would be so much easier if he cheated on her it'd be so much easier if he was abusive or something then she could easily validate oh okay I got to go and that's why some women in that situation what they do is try to create turmoil try to find yes they they're trying to find something to give them the exit to say okay I don't have to be here anymore or to make that man want to leave them.

1:17:42And in fairness this happens on both sides but I've literally talked to clients who the only reason they cheated hoping it would make their partner leave them. Oh my gosh. Because what was happening was in this instance she was trying to tell the guy over and over I don't want to be here but again he's this good guy I love you I don't want to lose you so... I'll do whatever you need, I'll change. And out of guilt and sympathy she stays with him but she's so not happy. So, now she's thinking, okay, he won't leave me even when I tell him I don't want to do this anymore. Even when I tell him this is not working.

1:18:17So, what can I do? And some will actually cheat on purpose, let the man find out, hoping he will finally let go. And in some cases, he still doesn't let go. He gets cheated on and he still wants to work it out with her. And she feels trapped. And so, it just continues like it's just a never-ending cycle until either one of them finally gets tired of it or I don't know just it just it's crazy there's drama and stress yeah so what I heard you say for a man to attract the you know a joyful loving partner that they really desire and have someone that they really are inspired by for you know a long term I'm hearing you say that that man needs to step into to their self-esteem, their confidence, and their masculinity.

1:19:06They gotta step into that leadership masculinity quality, right, that essence. If a woman really wants to attract the right healthy man, someone that is safe in terms of they can trust, but where they have to fully, they have to feel a little vulnerable to really dive in and they really care about this man in a big way, what does a woman need to do in order to attract that ideal partner for themselves? And it's the same answer for the women in reverse. It's walking in their true feminine confident self. Whoever they really are, but being that best version of themselves. And to what you were saying, it can't be find a man who you can be feminine with.

1:19:52It has to be be your feminine self first. And you'll be able to attract the man that you can continue to be feminine with or that will honor, respect, and value your feminine energy and protect your feminine energy. That's what you want. But what's happening to so many women is they become detached from their femininity or they're viewing it in a negative way. They're viewing it as weakness, as when I'm feminine, I get played, I get taken advantage of. And so, the mindset is if I find the right man, I can be that. So, you hear a lot of women say, well, I am feminine in a relationship. The problem is he can't see that far in to know that he wants to get in a relationship with you.

1:20:37I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy. And if you're looking to create more financial freedom in your life, you want abundance in your life and you want to stop making money hard in your life, but you want to make it easier. You want to make it flow, you want to feel abundant, then make sure to go to makemoneyeasybook.com right now and get yourself a copy. I really think this is going to help you transform your relationship with money this moment moving forward. We have some big guests and content coming up. Make sure you're following and stay tuned to the next episode on the School of greatness.

1:21:18I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward.

1:21:56And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

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