3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship

30:10and we need to try and be mindful of that because some people just can't tolerate you at your worst doesn't mean they don't love you it's just that they're not equipped for that level of like emotional dysregulation you should you should be able to i mean you're worst as a child i'm assuming you're going to scream and throw tantrums constantly but then hopefully you learn how to develop your emotions and navigate your emotions so that you can be frustrated or have a breakdown but not trash on someone yeah not punish someone not punish someone to say you're doing this to me right it's like learning how to you know maybe you need to step away or maybe you're gonna get loud for a moment but you're not going to attack someone ask yourself would you tolerate you at your worst if at your worst you get abusive right now yeah yeah right now i'm good right now but yeah in my past maybe not in the past i wouldn't but right now it's fine but in the past if your worst looks like emotional abuse if it looks like infidelity if it looks like a physical abuse um would you tolerate you at your worst and if you would perfect you're probably in a healthy space if you wouldn't what would you suggest to somebody who's going to have to what would you say to yourself if you had to experience that and if you would say to yourself oh just leave don't tolerate that then don't expect your partner to tolerate it now why is it so hard to leave a relationship when after many years when someone treats you poorly or they have dysregulation frequently let's call it on a weekly basis or every other day it seems like dysregulation or this type of emotional, I don't know if you want to call it abuse or rollercoaster emotions, lack of respect.

31:44Why would you say, Matthew, it's so hard to leave a relationship? The relationship is failing. It's not healthy, but people tend to stay. In your work that you do with a lot of women, why do women stay so long? Maybe there's kids or not kids involved, but why do women stay and how can they start to shift to make it healthier or get out of it in a healthy way i think it's well it would be it would be termed the trauma bond right that there's a there's this behavior that makes life really hard with this person or it might even make it intolerable but we tolerate it for as long as we can and then you know if it ever got too too bad for too long, we would just have to leave, right?

32:32If it was just hell 24-7, no matter what, we would leave. It would be enough. We would reach a certain pain threshold. But there's doses of moments, right? Of good moments. There's that moment where someone does something that hints at a different side of them. It hints at the potential for kindness, the potential for understanding. It hints at what the relationship could be or was in the beginning or was in the beginning and and that reels us back in and we are so elated and so happy to have this moment that we then say okay i'm gonna i'm gonna go back in and then of course the other side the other shoe drops which it always does and um you know i i think of it as a a broken clock right the the broken clock is right twice a day you don't think is a good what it's not a good watch for telling the time yeah right it's failed in its fundamental function but when it's right you go well you know like that kind of relationship you're describing is the broken watch we're trying to use this thing to tell the time thinking that oh no it was right a minute ago well maybe maybe it is working after all and then we have to wait another 12 hours before it's right again so that you have to ask yourself am i in that broken watch relationship um and if i am what's what's the way to get out of that well i think one of the ways is to properly tune into your feelings because i think we don't really tune into what our experience is we are so focused on where it could go or the fact that we think that we will be uh we'll never be okay if we lose this person that i will how will i get by can i can i deal with the pain of losing this person if i could just get them and turn them into the thing that i need them to be then i'll be happy we're so fixated on that that we're not fixated on the pain that we are in constantly yeah which is making us miserable or if we really paid attention we'd look at how this disproportionately makes us miserable a i worked with someone who ended a relationship with a very toxic person and this person was never around this person was completely dismissive even on the weekends when they were together this person was just on their laptop paying them absolutely zero attention and the woman that i was coaching i remember at the end of the relationship she said i just don't know how i'm gonna do this how i'm gonna be on my own and then i showed her the relation yeah like if i'm not i don't know how i'm gonna be on my own and then i actually showed her the relationship you are on your own i said this person's never home they stay out on the weekends you're completely alone even when you're in the same room.

35:40You've spent the last five years learning how to be alone. You're already good at this. You just have this old association that when I leave, I'm not going to be able to take it, but you already have the tools. Why does it seem like it's easier as a girlfriend or a guy friend of a person in a struggling relationship? Why is it easy for them to see, man, this has been two years you've been in this pattern, this loop of up and down emotional rollercoaster and it doesn't seem healthy when it's so hard for the person in the relationship to realize, man, this is broken. This is not working, but I'm going to keep trying to make it work.

36:16I'm going to keep trying to get that clock to hit the right time every minute. Why is it so hard for people to understand they're in a broken relationship? The investment they've placed into it makes it very difficult for them to see objective reality. In their mind, they have a vision of the future. It might involve children. It might involve a home. It might involve any kind of connection. And they think that vision can only be achieved with the person they've invested the most in. They don't realize that vision is still achievable outside of this relationship. They attribute the ability to achieve all of that to this relationship working out.

36:48As a friend or a family member, you can say, well, you're still a great person. You can still find love. You can still have kids. You can still get married. But you can do it outside of this relationship. They don't see the vision outside of the relationship. So they've zoomed into the perspective of only through this person can I achieve my end goals. We as friends and family can say, your goals are still are separate to this individual. They can still occur, but with somebody who doesn't have the unhealthy traits that make it impossible in this certain situation. What do you think of the things, you know, we're talking about why relationships fail, but what do you think of the things that people don't do before committing to the relationship that end up causing it to be just a rocky foundation to start with, which is destined to fail?

37:32What, you know, what are things that women do or men do that you think set up a rocky foundation? I'll let you start. They don't communicate what is a deal breaker to them. They know all the things that they like. I like to go on dinner dates. I like to do this. I like to do that. But they forget that the stability of the relationship depends on the actual deal breakers rather than all the things that you love about the person. What are some examples of deal breakers that people don't communicate? It might be lack of availability, emotional availability. It might be lack of affection. So they might be funny.

38:00They might have a great job. They might be beautiful. All of those things. But if they are emotionally unavailable or if they are not considerate or if they're not compassionate as a person, but I haven't realized that, that deal breaker is still there causing disruption of peace every single day. But if I realize my deal breakers and I go into it with a mentality that as long as you, I don't care if you're an angel on paper, but if you've got even one deal breaker, chances are we'll fight about this deal breaker forever. Really? It could just be that, you know, we disagree on a deal breaker might be a commitment levels.

38:30How much commitment do I want? Or just a deal breaker might be how much time we spend together, quality time. It might be any of the love languages. One of them might be a deal breaker for you. But if that person has even one deal breaker, it will resurface again and again until the relationship slowly starts to corrode. So it's important to express what you think emotionally might be a deal breaker for you. And what do you think are the biggest deal breakers for people? We just say it's sex or topics around sex, money and topics around money. family kids religion or something else good i suppose it could be anything depending on the person or is it just literally like we could have three things that are right but if we have two that are off like eventually it's going to be harder to to make it work like what do you think i mean i think if we have a very different vision for what for how we want to live our lives you know those are those are really hard you know if one person wants a family and the other one doesn't you know these are but but to the point of communication those are things that often people turn a blind eye to why is that why do we not communicate deal breakers and things that are actually really important because we're committing to the relationship we have a scarcity mindset it's that that fear of nothing better is going to come along look i think that in our love lives especially we really want to meet someone oh it's a universal thing we really want to meet someone and when we haven't met someone we can start to get scared as time goes on and we think there's something wrong with us and i'm broken and i'm never going to find someone and what if it never happens for me and god it's so hard to meet someone and so the most dangerous moment in love and dating is the moment you meet someone you're attracted to that is the most dangerous moment because if you meet a person you're attracted to in a place of scarcity and fear that is precisely the time that you lower your standards and you lose your boundaries because the instinct is don't do anything that could mess it up.

40:49The instinct is not, let me see how right this is. Don't do anything to screw this up. Now, people have different ways of dealing with that fear. But if you take, you know, one example is some people go into like anxious fawning. Right. I'm scared. i'm just gonna do everything i what what kind of category characterizes anxious fawning i'm gonna it's just fawning fawning yeah i'm gonna like so i'm anxious and my instinct when i'm anxious is to try to make you happy because if i can make you happy maybe you'll never leave me so for a lot of people what that means is i over give at the same time as under communicating what I really need, which is a really poisonous combination, right?

41:43Because it simultaneously means you burn out giving to someone, but also no one knows what you really want. And then you resent the person for not giving you what you need, that you haven't communicated it. Yeah. You resent them, but you're too afraid to rock the boat because you don't want to lose them. And it's fascinating to me. Like you can literally look at different types of people and how they react to that. Like if you are doing that and you come across an avoidant, someone who's avoidant is going to get pushed away they're going to be like this is a lot and you're going to keep giving even though they've pulled away because that's what you do but you're not going to communicate that it's hurt you that you've pulled away so with an avoidant type you won't get your needs met because you won't communicate as they pull away you'll just keep giving hoping that they'll come back if you come across an anxious person and you're anxiously fawning that person might consume you everyone but most people or not most people some people have had that experience with a parent where their parent was just trying to get their own needs met and they became the child that gave and gave and gave and gave and gave to try to make the parent happy but because they had no boundaries around that they became deeply resentful of this one-sided relationship with their parent people then go into that in relationships too where it's like they just live in service of this other person who's anxiously taking as much as they can If you come across a secure person and you're anxiously fawning, then that person's going to have a hard time connecting with you because they're not going to know what your preferences are.

43:11You're going to say they're going to say, what do you want for dinner? And you say, what do you want for dinner? And they'll go, oh, I don't know, Chinese food. And you'll go, that was me, too. I wanted that. And if you do that three times in a row, they'll realize they don't know who you are. They can't connect with you. They don't know how to make you happy. and they can't really trust you because they can't trust that you're ever really saying what you really think so i say this to highlight the fact that this is how these dynamics get started is we're coming from a place of fear and when we're coming from a place of fear we go to the weapons that we know how to use right we all have our weapon of choice for some people it's i don't let anyone screw with me and that's their weapon of choice and the moment they think they could get hurt they reject someone before that person can reject them other people is my weapon of choice is making trying to do as much as possible for you that i make myself indispensable we it's worth everyone asking like what's my weapon of choice what do i default to and if i never question what i'm defaulting to i'm gonna be i'm gonna always be in the same kinds of relationships and by the way that anxious fawning i'm talking about who does it attract the toxic sick person right because that person sees a free lunch of course like i'm i'm gonna come and take everything from the buffet here and then when i'm done with it i'm out so we then we go how why do i always attract people like this or why do i always fall into these patterns it's because there is a a weapon that we are overusing and at some point we have to like it's a very brave thing to go, what weapon am I overusing?

44:55And recognize, by the way, that's meeting a need, that there's some need it's meeting, right? If I'm... Not a healthy need. Right. But if I'm like, if I crack jokes and make everyone laugh and I know I can do that, then it meets a need for me. It's control. I know that I can control the room through making people laugh. Now, it also might be a barrier to connection in situations where sincerity is called for. And we never get deep because I'm always making jokes. But if I stop joking and I say, I'm going to try and create a deeper connection. And that means I'm going to pull back from the sarcasm, let's say.

45:35I've taken away my own most practiced sharpened weapon. And I may not know how to operate in this new territory. i now may find myself almost like a toddler in conversation going i don't know how to play this game right i don't know how i'm how to connect with people when i'm not being funny and it requires us almost to get worse before we get better to feel like we're taking a step backwards before we take a step forwards the step forwards might ultimately be a far healthier relationship or a far better relationship than anything we've ever experienced but we might have to go almost like go back to like learning how to walk again in an area and give up that power we're used to feeling so that we can have something much more rewarding on the other side of it

46:25where do you feel like people have the happiest relationships in the world that you've experienced or at least they say they do and what do they have in common in those places where they're the the not that everything's gonna be perfect but where are they the happiest So that's a very interesting question. And by the way, I didn't answer the question about people dating who want to be in a relationship. We can get back to that, yes. Yes. Don't leave us out. Didn't forget you. I don't know that it's geographic. Okay. All right. In places where the community is really strong, which a lot of people come here from countries where you, you know, At the heart of your life is this community, extended family and all of that.

47:10You get support, you get a lot of clarity, but you often get very little freedom, which is why so many people come to America and to New York, to get that freedom. In places like in New York, or in very individualistic places, where at the heart of the relationship is not the community, but the individual, in search of a community. You have unprecedented freedom. We've never been more free and we've never been more alone. So I don't know a place on the planet where we are more happy. The places where people have a lot of togetherness, people often yearn for separateness, for freedom, for autonomy.

47:55The places where people have a lot of individuality and freedom, they yearn for more connection. They yearn to not feel modern loneliness, which kind of masks itself as hyper-connectivity. You can have a thousand virtual friends and no one to feed you cat. No one to pick up a prescription at a pharmacy. That's what we understood in the pandemic. God forbid somebody to pick you up at the airport. Friends and friendship is not the same. So I don't know places where people are more happy geographically. What makes people more happy is to feel that they matter. That people care about them even when they don't see them.

48:34that they take them with them, inside of them, that their relationships are meaningful, nurturing, that they don't judge them and that they also don't ignore them. So it's this kind of nice flexibility between, you know, you're there for me, but not on the condition that I do what you want. Right. And I have the freedom, but not that you can cancel an hour before dinner, because these days who cares, which happens a lot in this town, Casing Point. Of course, yeah. You know, so this is freedom too, like the freedom to think, do I have better? Is there a better deal for me tonight? You know, is there, so, and this is also freedom, is that I'm so important that I no longer think about how this is going to affect you, that you may have cooked a whole meal, and I just at seven o 'clock tell you that I won't show up at eight.

49:31that makes people feel yeah so lack of respect what makes us happy is meaning creativity flexibility and good laughter good laughter yes yeah so it's so it's having having the community with flexibility yes where it's not like you have to do what i tell you to do or otherwise we're not going to love which is why people have family of choice. People create today new communities. People pursue polyamory as a form of community building. I mean, there's a lot of iterations of how to build community. But it doesn't have to be always the people that you grew up with. Because they're not always your best community either.

50:14Sure. And what about the single people who have maybe struggled in previous relationships or who maybe took time for themselves but now they want to attract and create a healthy relationship, how can they do the work for themselves so that they can really see when a person is in front of them that, oh, this is a healthy human being. Let me explore this and not just get into old similar patterns. Right, right. I tend to not like, first of all, the concept of single and coupled. Because today you're single and tomorrow you're not. And today you're coupled and tomorrow you're single. There's a lot, much more fluidity these days.

50:55But what I do know is this. If I, we live with belief systems. Relationships are stories. Everyone here has a story about your relationship. And we sometimes hold on to our stories so tightly that we confuse them with the truth. If I say there are no good men out there, if I say all people are out to get you, if If I say I'm a pathological pleaser, if I say people have never cared about me properly, these stories become belief systems that become a part of my confirmation bias. And when we have confirmation bias, it means that I'm now going to look at you and see to what extent this is going to reinforce my belief.

51:39And then I'm going to disregard evidence of the rest. So check your assumptions. That's the first thing on the chain. What are your fundamental beliefs with which you enter relationships? And to what extent do you find yourself busy proving that they're true, which doesn't serve you much? Right, right. Number one. Number two, when you go out on a date, don't turn them into job interviews. They've never seen something less interesting. I mean, people ask questions and then they look to see if they have butterflies. How can that work? It's the most dull, dull kind of encounter. This weird thing that I see has happened.

52:25But you go out to date, as this is if you get a date, you know, because they are that other experience. And then you have to come back to your life to tell them if you won the lottery or not. And you come back with your shame or with your emptiness. It's dreadful. Wow. You know, there was something useful in the other model, the old model. You date, you meet somebody, you bring them to your life. You meet them with your friends. You'll have a thousand data points, far more interesting than sitting in some noisy bar and trying to ask questions. And this integration, if the date doesn't work, the date is gone and the friends are here and you continue your life.

53:06Wow. So this is not about the building of the relationship, but it's about the dating itself. The next thing is that we have a thing in relationships that's very interesting. It's called fundamental attribution error. It means... Fundamental what? Attribution error. Fundamental attribution error. Yeah. It goes like this. I am complicated and complex. You are simple. When you come late, it's because you don't care. When I come late, it's because there were circumstances in my life to explain why I am late. Mine is circumstantial. Yours is characterological. You're just a slob. You're just a this.

53:50You're just a that. You know, it's a fantastic way we have to organize the world. So that is one of those nasty things that really make relationships not thrive. Wow. You know, name calling the other person, the whole thing. And then I'll ask you one other one that I think is really crucial. When you fight, because fighting is a major piece of relationship, it's intrinsic. Conflict is part of love and relationships, all relationships. But don't think that what matters is what you're fighting about. But always ask yourself, what is it that I'm fighting for? What people fight for when they fight, is usually three things.

54:33You fight for care and closeness. You fight for respect and recognition. And you fight for power and control. Who makes the decisions? Whose priorities matter more? Care and power and control. Care and closeness? Do you have my back? Can I trust you? And respect and recognition? Can you value me? Most fights you will find are about one of those three things. But that's not what we say. What we say is, why did you leave your shoes once again? You know, in my tour, I have this couple, and they talk, they fight about the cat closet, the litter, the cat box, you know. And I'm thinking, seriously, we're going to talk here about cat litter?

55:22I mean, this is an important session. And then I understand that when she says, why didn't you close the closet. It has nothing to do with the closet. It has to do with his father who told him all the time what to do, who stood with his foot on his neck, who never let him breathe, and this guy grew up saying, nobody's going to be the boss of me. This is what he's saying when he says, why shall I close the closet? That's power and control. And then she grew up all alone, taking care of the whole family, really miserable situation. And when he says, why shall I close the closet you close the closet what does she hear i'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life i've always had to do it for everybody i took care of everyone and this is going to continue no you know this is but this is the underlying thing but people will get so caught in the closet and the cat litter it's phenomenal

56:19this is why uh Do you get, this is the, what are you fighting for? Uh-huh. Ask yourself that. It will shorten your therapy hours by many. That's beautiful. This is why me and Martha have one of the electronic robo cat cleaning litters. So no one has to clean the litter. Yeah. It self-cleans. It's amazing. Yes, yes. These days we trust our robots more than our partners. It's amazing. The cat robot. You guys know what I'm talking about. You guys got one? Yeah, those are good, right? No one's got to clean it. It's self-cleaning. They don't have that for dogs. You just got to walk them still, you know?

56:58So I want to ask you a, we've got a few minutes left with Esther, and I want to ask you a personal question. I always like to do this with you. We'll see if you want to receive it or not. But you've done a lot of work coaching others for a long time, and you've got amazing podcasts. Your podcast, Where Should We Begin, is incredible. I don't know if anyone's ever heard this. Where Should We Begin is incredible. You've got amazing books, which we have your books out in the bookstore. If people haven't gotten them yet, we've got your books here. You've got this game that will help you. Where should we begin?

57:33Anyone have this yet? Where should we begin? This is an amazing game of stories by Esther Perel where you can really connect with your partner on ideas and things like that. You've got an eroticism course as well. Coming out this week. We'll have a link for you guys. We'll show you that in a second. for anyone that wants to be more sexually connected in that playful way. You'll be able to tap into that. But I'm curious, with all the research and all the work you've done to help others, what in the last five years have you received for yourself or had to overcome personally in intimacy, relationships?

58:11Again, you help and serve so many people, but sometimes as the coach, You don't get the opportunity to always self-reflect and get coached and work through things personally. I'm curious, is there anything in the last five years that you've seen a breakthrough personally with your life? Yes, yes. And half of me was so excited I have an answer and half of me wished I didn't have to have an answer. But you'll hear why. So basically two years, when did we go to Australia? Yeah, two years ago, two and a half years ago. I came to LA on November 1st. I was with my husband, and we were on our way to New Zealand.

58:52I was starting a whole tour. My kids were already waiting for us there. And basically, we entered the doctor's office, and the doctor said, you ain't going on any plane. You're not flying. You have 10 % kidney function left. Wow. For you? For him. For him, wow. For him. And we knew he had kidney issues, but not that bad. Not that bad. That meant, and you know, in the United States, there are no organs because the system is set up that if you want to be a donor, you have to specify it on your driver's license. In Belgium, where I'm from, everybody is a donor unless you specify on your driver's license that you don't want to be a donor.

59:35So think about that because it really saves lives. But now I needed to find a kidney. Wow. And that meant I needed to let people help me. And I was at a mercy. So I began to talk to small groups of friends. Just grew the circle every time a little bit. Who would like to donate a kidney? I'm not a match. My son is not a match. My other son was not going to be able to do. And it's an amazingly humble experience. I had no problem asking, I have to say. I generally have no problem asking for help. I am not the person who helps others but can't ask for myself. I am a help.

1:00:25You don't gingerly do the eroticism with asking for help. Yeah, you're not playing. Exactly. You're like, give me the help. Let's go. And I got a point where we had ten people, ten people who were willing to donate. but one match. Wow. And anyway, the match came true. It was our friend. We brought her over from Europe. We created this whole ritual with friends in my house where the night before they went in, where instead of it just being an organ donation, we turned it into a sacred gift. Holy moly. We sat in a circle and talked about what is our experience in life about giving and receiving.

1:01:03We brought them together the next day. And then for the next months, while they were recovering, Basically, I had all our friends. This one took them to the hospital every morning at 7. This one cooked. This one this, this one that. And here's the important thing. I live with an expert on community resilience. His work, his lifelong work is about collective trauma and community resilience, but he had never experienced it himself in action. Wow. So, this is my story. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my gosh. I have not yet told this in public. Wow, that's beautiful. This is my first time. And what has been the breakthrough of the lesson for you two and a half years later now?

1:01:49So here's the interesting thing. There is a moment that is a lesson. At one point early on, I said I talked to so-and-so and they said we should go see the doctor so-and-so, which we are going to see now in L.A. And he said, why do you talk about this with people? I'm entitled to my privacy. Any of you who are in this room who are that person. And I said, but come on, it's because I talked to these people that I got this name that I now have disappointment that this is how it works, community. I mean, do you think we're just going to sit here and find a doctor who's going to see us in less than six months?

1:02:25That's what I meant by I talk. And it's about overcoming your shame and thinking that privacy is really nice, but you will die in privacy. And if you don't want to do it, that's okay, but let the people around you do it for you. Wow. That's beautiful. That's amazing. And how is he doing now? It's great. It's great. It's like a new life. It's impressive. I mean, most surgeries take things out. This one just puts something in. Wow. That's incredible. And what was the biggest lesson for the donor? I mean, the donor, it's a, what you experience is you feel like you've given life to someone. And by the way, you live perfectly well with one kidney.

1:03:11So it's really when the most important moment about the donor is that at Mount Sinai, they have every year a gathering of the donors, liver donors, kidney donors. And you're in a room with these people. We happen to know ours, but all of the other people, sometimes it's strangers. Wow. just one day appear like angels. And you watch these people, these unsung heroes, and you just shut the up because, you know, I don't know if I would do it. This is the thing. Would I have done this? Have I known people? Have I heard and I never responded? Like, it's so easy, you know, to think, yeah, but no, no.

1:03:53And I watch these people and I just bawled. Wow, that's a beautiful experience. I'm so glad you shared that. Thank you for sharing that. I have a question for you. Yeah, uh-oh.

1:04:08I'm pretty open. Because the last time we met, you were just in the engagement, going to therapy, working on it. And here you are, you know, what's the, you know, you said, I worked on myself, or we have worked together. But what's the part of yourself that you discovered that you didn't know existed?

1:04:36I have another one afterwards.

1:04:50Is that Marta whispering to you? The part of me, I'm just trying to be present with the whole experience. The part of me I've discovered that I knew it didn't exist. That I didn't know existed. The thing that has come out of me that surprises even me.

1:05:14I think that...

1:05:20that I am deserving of incredible love. That's the thing I just said with money.

1:05:38Thank you. And I think it's been a journey of receiving it. Thank you. But I feel like...

1:05:54For most of my life, and I don't know if anyone can relate, it was about... I felt loved by people, but I also think the traumas outweighed the memories of the love. So the traumas were bigger memories of fear, anxiety, and pain, and like, you know, Dan, you're safe, you're loved, you're free. And it's not like there was one person or people. It was just a series of events over time of all the different series of events. You know, my sexual abuse is one of the first memories I have as a human being. And again, that kind of imprints you until you reprogram it, until you create new meaning with it and allow it to, and say, how can I use this for good, right?

1:06:40And how can I, this doesn't define me as a thing that happened and I feel at peace about it. But as a child, you know, that was there. You know, my parents had their struggles. They just really struggled. My dad was a difficult human being as much as I loved him. He was very difficult and emotionally up and down. So there was not emotional stability from him. So therefore there was challenge with them. and my brother was in prison for four and a half years when I was eight years old. So there was just shame and trauma within the family dynamic that, oh, my older brother, who's my hero, is in prison.

1:07:19I love him. Is he a bad guy? Is he a good guy? I feel like he's a good guy. Why is he here? Every weekend we would go for hours in the visiting room and be around 20, 30 convicts and their families every week for four and a half years. And so there's traumas there. It's just the picking on, the bullying, the being dyslexic, not being able to read, unable to speak in front of an audience without being terrified. Just all the series of events, I focused more on the traumas than the love. There was a lot of love, but I couldn't feel them. And so learning how to regulate my nervous system and my heart and my body and learn how to breathe with all of it, the chaos of the world, relationship challenges from the past, and learning how to say, oh, I am safe no matter what's happening around me.

1:08:08Whether I'm going through a disagreement, it doesn't mean my life is at risk. Whether someone doesn't like me, it doesn't mean I have to give in to what they're requesting. You know, if I don't feel good right now, that's okay. I know I can transform it and feel good tomorrow. So, learning the skills, learning the tools and doing the deeper healing work has allowed me to feel loved. And really I think one of the biggest fears was I lacked the courage to end relationships so I would stay for way longer than I knew intuitively I shouldn't be in this. But I was afraid to be alone. I didn't know how to fully be alone and love myself alone.

1:08:49And I really learned how to do that to where I don't feel like I have to give in to anyone. I'm like, I love myself if I'm alone and I know that God will provide me in the right direction with what I need. It's not what I want, but I know I'll be provided that. And having that clarity and that inner peace of I'm going to be okay no matter what happens lets me be free to be me and feel loved. I can give myself love and I can receive it from others also. Even if I'm not getting it from others in a moment, if I need it, I know how to give it to me in a spiritual way, not like a selfish, I'm loving myself way.

1:09:39So I think learning that process while healing and creating meaning from all these memories of the past, it just gives me a lot of peace and freedom. And I never had that until really the last four years. Thank you. Of course, thank you.

1:10:00I think that everything you just said is part of your question. It's part of the answer to the question, you know, how does one prepare oneself to be in a relationship? You know, there's often a pull in a relationship between two polarities. The fear of losing the other and the fear of losing oneself. Yes. Yes. The fear of abandonment and the fear of suffocation. Yes. I will not leave you, but I will lose myself in order not to be alone. Wow. Or the reverse is I leave you all the time. I don't stick around anywhere because I'm afraid that if I hang one more day, I'm going to get trapped. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness.

1:10:49Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

1:11:28And now it's time to go out there and do something great.