5 SECRETS to ALL Power Couples (HEAL Your Inner Wounds & ATTRACT Love!)

0:04Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur, and each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

0:29Welcome to this special masterclass. We brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today. It's going to be powerful, so let's go ahead and dive in.

0:46The way we are approaching love and finding love or looking for love and the people we attract has a lot to do with this five inner child wounds that if we don't assess them before getting into a relationship, you will continue to attract the same guy. What are the wounds? So one of them is the rejection wound. So the rejection wound is a wound we all have, literally. Like since you're a little kid, you know, at one point your mom or dad is going to say no to you. And you're going to feel rejected. But there's people that have it even bigger. We all have that one. But there's people that have it even bigger.

1:29So, you know, you, you have a story of rejection in school. You've told me many, many times that, you know, you felt rejected, you felt like you were not. What that creates is a person that in the future, when there's trouble, and when that person feels rejected, that person's going to try to go away. Run away. Or walk away. Run away. Or react or triggered or whatever. React. Triggered. Like, I'm feeling rejected. I'm going to run away. or it can also create a person that wants to be it's so malleable so adaptable that if you like whatever thing do whatever to fit in and belong and exactly so you're you're looking for love but you're you're adapting to whatever the other person wants and needs you know like you become that type of adult, then there's the abandonment wound.

2:24And that's a tough one because a lot of people experience that and a lot of women experience that from their mom or their dad. You know, there's a lot of very sad stories of my dad left for another woman and I never saw him again. And so what does that mean? And you're a little kid with your little tiny mind of nine years old you don't think it's because of other things you cannot put yourself in your parents shoes you think it's about you yes and so then what happens with people that have abandonment ones is that they become dependent and they become you know a person that needs somebody you know is the kind of person that if you're having a misunderstanding and the partner wants to take a beat and walk away for a second to just kind of like relax or calm down the abandonment wound will go after that person say no don't leave me i'm here in the middle i'm talking what are you doing you know and then it's a never-ending argument all night because that person's not leaving you know the the good amount of space in between the two because if you leave i feel you're abandoning me or that they get too attached.

3:37They are dating somebody and they feel, I don't know why I feel I'm going to mess this up at one point and that person's going to end up leaving me. So it has to do with a story of something that happened to you in your childhood. Even if your dad didn't leave, even if your mom didn't leave, sometimes it could be that you felt abandoned because they dropped you off in school when you were too little and you had this anxiety about you and and maybe they didn't pick you up many many times you know and you were waiting outside school and your parents didn't show up so maybe it comes from that because some people say i have amazing parents but i still have some of these wounds where are they coming from okay so that's the second one second one then there's the humiliation wound the shame you feel shame you were humiliated um so somebody i mean in many different ways you have a story about that you know the other day we were talking about this and you went man i think i have most of them yeah right and then i said to you i love you so much because you become who you become the man who you are which i know who you are having had all of these ones is admirable you know the type of resilience that you have the type of commitment with yourself that you have yeah it's massive because you do but you were humiliated in school right people that were bullied or people that your parents your parents can humiliate you yeah they can you know many many times you're like oh you're little kid you're excited because you wrote this little song at that one moment and your dad is with a bunch of friends it's like no what no you sing horrible more out of the way you can you feel that humiliation so what that creates um having had a parent who has a crazy temper and you never know what you're gonna expect right that parent that maybe reprehend reprimand how do you say reprehend reprimand yeah reprimanded you you know English better than I do but reprimanded you in front of in front of other kids you know with a big temper that big voice you feel like this humiliation so what that creates this in the future if you have not worked in your inner child once is a man or a woman that is willing to take any kind of abuse.

6:14So you're replicating the abuse that you had at home. So you even learned how to stand up for yourself. Exactly. So then you have a screaming girlfriend saying, why are you, I'm going to break up with you if you don't pick up my phone call. And you continue in the relationship because you're like, yeah, yeah, of course. because you live that. That reminds you of something that you experience. It's familiar. Exactly. So you know that feeling that when you meet somebody, people say, oh, it felt like family to me. Why did it feel like family? Some family could be great. Another family might make you, yeah.

6:50Exactly. So that's why the question is really important. What part of that made you feel like family? Okay, humiliation. What's number four? The other one is treason. something that somebody like betrayal so for example my sister she when I was born first then my sister was born second and then there was a gap in which my parents didn't have children for like six years and then they had my brother so she was a little baby of the family and uh she's so funny you know my sister she's really fun she's like outgoing and really excellent amazing and so So then when my brother was born, for her, and she says this today, it felt like a betrayal.

7:36It felt like, what is this new person in the family? I'm not the little baby anymore. And mom, dad, and everyone around, including herself, they say that her personality changed a little bit. And she felt, and to this day, she feels when she's more able to have more control is when she can feel safe and because she felt betrayed by my parents right so then therefore later in life she grows up as a woman and and she's looking for love and she's looking for a man that she can in a way give direction to and this is why her relationship and my brother-in-law you know relationship works really well because in his case he had an abandonment wound and so then he was looking for somebody to give him direction.

8:29So this is for them in a way, it's a good, it's a good match. So for me, being the oldest of the family, my mom was always so amazing into praising and saying, Oh, Martita is the helper of the family. She helps me with the house. She helps me with this sibling. She helps me. So in a way I built my identity feeling as if if I was of help to somebody then I was worth it right I was I had some value to bring if I was being of help to somebody so then what happened is then later as an adult before having healed my inner child wounds I was looking for somebody I could help and I didn't know this this is subconscious right so then all of a sudden I you know I used to fall love with men that needed a lot of support and a lot of help because in a way if they didn't need me I didn't know if I was worthy you know so that was a big one for me and then the other one was shame so for me it was you know my family too we're very we're jokers we joke all the time and especially my dad's side of the family he was so young he was 20 years old and he used to like poke me or do these little things I was one years old two three forever you know four or five and he would say oh my god look at that he would say that to to my mom look at her she's crying just like me doing this and he would laugh but me as a little kid I didn't know what was happening so then I would feel my dad is laughing at me right so I felt shame and I had other moments in my life I stole something from school which is you know my mom was really upset which was good by the way that i learned a lesson but in front of my entire classroom she said that i had stolen a pencil sharper pencil you know sharpener sharpener yes and so i was crying in front of the classroom and i felt embarrassed so then later people who experience a lot of shame are the ones that turn into you know people that can withstand a lot of abuse later in life because that's what it feels familiar to you you know and and I gotta say something that I think it's very important it's not our parents fault we should you know stop blaming our parents for the way we are they did what they could with what they could they did their best with what they the tools they had you know the things they had so and it's up to us to heal ourselves and then there's another one that's called the injustice one so something that happened to you at one point in life that you felt things were unjust you know whether it's um whether it's you know the way in your perspective they treated your sister or your brother way better than they treated you that felt unjust so then you didn't fix that inside of you so then later in life it makes you a very rigid person rigidity you know you don't you want things to be a certain way and that's it or you're just triggered if you see injustices constantly and everything is unjust yeah and it takes a lot of your energy yeah to manage those emotions yeah and so if things were unjust for you when you're a little kid you replicate as an adult in ways of you become competitive with your partner because you're trying to find justice right oh i you know what i work so much of course you take care of the kids and don't tell me anything about anything because this is what's fair wait let's talk about it you know so this is that type of personality so for me you know this i needed to dive down inside of what was my life story, what was my wounds, why was I attracting these type of personalities?

12:38And why was it that whenever I attracted a nice guy, it felt boring? That happens to a lot of people. Why do women not like the nice guy? Why do they not? Well, I do. Why do some women not fall for a healthy, nice, conscious man and they fall for a man that has, you know, likes and interests, but doesn't have a healthy relationship with themselves, and doesn't treat others well. Why do they fall for that? Yeah. Well, one is this, you know, because they haven't addressed that they're, they're looking for love as a wounded child, as opposed to, you know, being open to love as an adult, which is, I think, this is the way you I met we were not anymore looking for love and although healing isn't a never-ending journey we were very aware of what was the inner child wounds that was having you attracting certain type of women and me certain type of men and so then therefore once like the first step is to be aware of it and then you start noticing ah and then something happens did it happen to you Lewis because for me, it was this integration of my inner child.

13:57This moment, these exercises that I would do in which I would say, oh my God, I got myself. Nilda is my therapist. I talked to you about Nilda. She's incredible. And she said to me back in the day when I was in a relationship, this person yelling at me all the time, all these things. And she would say, don't say he's yelling at me. he just yells he just doesn't go with you right and you can either choose to accept it or not or get out of there but changing it is actually something that you gotta look at within yourself you know if I don't accept who this person is it doesn't mean they're right or wrong good or bad it just means it's not a good match for me yeah and so they may not want to change and you have to be okay with it if the other person doesn't want to change yeah and you have to evaluate okay am I happy removing myself from this relationship even though there might be some other benefits but can I deal with the parts that cause the most stress and pain and I think again not everyone is bad all the time or something but are the things that I don't like or don't match or align with knowing this may never change if it never changes am I accepting it and okay with it and I think if you're not willing to accept who they are now you can't expect them to change later so it's learning to say am i okay and can i give into this or accept this or you know is this a non-negotiable for me you know one of the things that we got you know into our relationship and the dating process i was just like you know it's non-negotiable for for me and us to not yell we can disagree we can argue but screaming and yelling does not work for me no and had i experienced that with you in the first another six months or a year I might have been like huh okay this is something that you do maybe from time to time you haven't done that but I would witness it and be like okay this doesn't work for me and having a conscious conversation saying hey if this is the way you're going to be at times just let me know because it doesn't work for me yeah or am I able to accept you if once in a while you do yell if there's a lot of other good that happens yeah I I think that's, those little nuances are hard for sometimes for people to decide.

16:20Yeah, because everybody wants to be loved. And so then now finally you're in a relationship, finally you have the chemistry, the kisses, do you know how it feels? And then you're thinking, well, if I'm single again, well, I find someone as good and I don't wanna be alone and all these things. But wait a second, there are all these things that are great. Okay, all these things that are bad, okay, but maybe with time. And then you hand them the book, then you hand them the podcast. No. And then you become the coach. People don't want to change though. People don't want to change who they are when they're in a relationship.

16:49No. I have, before you, I've chosen many relationships where I felt resistance. I felt like I didn't want to change, but the only way to make this person happy was if I changed so many different things. Yeah. And that was on me for deciding to adjust and change and adapt to make someone happy, as opposed to just being full, authentic yourself and being in a relationship where you commit to personal growth individually. I think that's something we've done really well is committing to being in a process of personal growth individually, both having emotional coaching and saying, hey, I'm going to grow whether we're together or not.

17:31And you're going to grow whether we're together or not. So let's make that commitment impact from the beginning, which I think creates a lot of safety in the relationship for both of us, knowing this person's not going to stop improving. They're not going to stop learning. They're going to keep having a beginner's mind about their emotions, their relationship to themselves, how they navigate stress, knowing we're never perfect human beings, but we're in a process of growth. I think that commitment to growth gives us a lot of peace. Yeah, there's so many things that I feel so grateful for the way we started our relationship and how it happened.

18:14And I feel so grateful for your past and my past. I feel very, very grateful for that. Because if you didn't live the things you lived and I didn't live the things I lived, we wouldn't have met when we needed to meet to continue the growth process in this way. But the same for me, you know, I was I was nodding when you said, well, if I would have seen you yelling, you know, after six months, I probably would have been like, hey, wait a second. I think with the experience that I had, if you would have started yelling in month three, I'd be like, thank you very much. You know, it was so great to be with you for those three months.

18:49Right. And that's it. Right. Because there's things that, you know, wouldn't have worked for me either. So it's interesting because what I tell most of my girlfriends is after you do this and you find the inner child wounds and you address them. And let's say now you're ready because you're open to meet guys. Meet them where they are. Don't meet the potential. Don't try to see, oh my God, this guy seems like he could be decent. No, no, no. Like, look at who that person is and look at everything that they're doing and don't judge them. Everything is just information. If that was for me, like when I was meeting you, the thing that I wanted the most when I was meeting you is for you to be authentically you.

19:40So when you would say to me, oh my God, I'm going to tell you something, I think this is going to make you run away. I would think, oh my God, maybe he's into like threesomes or crazy stuff or drugs or something. that's definitely going to make me run away and put you in the friend category right but you would say something that for me was like oh that's amazing you know so it's information it's just what happens is we very quickly and especially women we very quickly jump into the place in which we see them as our future husbands right away right away potential yeah what happened what What happens to a woman who starts seeing a man as their future husband in the first months of getting to know them?

20:24What do they tend to do more of that actually will hurt the relationship long term? You know, it's interesting because at the beginning, everything is great, right? So they see all the good parts. So then for about three, four months, everything was amazing. Everything was fantastic. and then the entire person starts coming out. I don't like to say the real person starts coming out because also all the other things that you saw at the beginning is still the real person. But the rest of them. The rest of them starts to come out. So then what happens? Now you want to start changing them because they don't...

21:03To go back to this perfect thing. To match you. Yeah. To match you. So if you're like regularly a joyful person and you don't necessarily raise your voice or yell when you're having an argument or whatever. And while you're dating that person, you saw that that person yelled at the valet parking guy, right? But he's not yelling at you because you're living in this beautiful pink bubble. You continue the relationship. You're not paying attention. Everything is information. And if a guy tells you, I don't want to have kids, believe him. Yeah. He doesn't want to have kids. Don't keep dating him if you want to have kids.

21:42Yeah, don't think you're going to be like Bella in The Beauty and the Beast. And you're going to say, I'm going to tame this beast. And he's going to be the one that's going to have kids with me. You could have all the tutors and nannies and cooks or whatever it may be. But still, it consumes so much energy of your time, your thoughts, and your attention. How do you guys manage energy? You have to really think, prioritize, delegate what you can and let it go and not be too mentally hard on yourself. And as your bubble grows, you invest the time in hiring your weaknesses. So, where are your weaknesses and find the best talent, invest in the talent.

22:28And if you put the right people in place in certain areas, then it will free you up to be able to prioritize your time. And then you have to take the time to do that. Like even though I have this leader in place, what is the most important thing for me to be focusing on for Spanx? Even though I may or may not have a nanny, what is the most important thing for me to be doing with my children? What's important to me? And I sat down with Jesse and we wrote out like what's important for us to be, what is the quality time that we want to have with our children? And just being intentional about those buckets will really help you figure out energy and how to use it and how to make it go farther?

23:09I would add, I think three things. I think we've spoken about this in the past, Louis, many times. You know, I think the most important thing is to really be present and be where your feet are. So if we're with our kids, we're with our kids. If Sarah's at work and, you know, I don't want Sarah to be guilty or resent me, you know, for when she's at work. When she's at work, she's at work and it's fine. When she's with the kids, she's with the kids you got to be where your feet are so we communicate about that today I was on I had to do something for two hours I said I let her know I need two hours alone she was like no problem because I didn't want to feel guilty or and I don't want her to resent me so we communicate that but you got to be mega present to you go in and out of waves so like we went on a trip to Poland with ten friends brothers a meet best friends at it you know overnight best friends.

24:01If I don't speak to the guys for six months, I'm not going to beat myself up. The relationship's still there. So you have to trust the seeds and know that when that you planted and know when it's time for me to jump back into that group of 10, I'm going to be present and everything's going to be. But you can't beat yourself up that your energy is pulling you somewhere else. That time will come back. You know, and three is you got to plan. You can't like, Like we're not good enough to just wake up and wing it. We plan stuff, man. No, we plan stuff. Like I plan that I'm gonna see my parents a certain amount of times a year.

24:34Then I'm gonna go on a certain amount of trips, one-on-one trips with my kids. We go away once a quarter. We plan a trip, alone time. We have date night every Wednesday. I might not see Sarah every single day, every minute of the day during work, but we know Wednesday nights we're having date night. We know we have our family dinners. We know the weekends is our time. So you have to, you know, you have to plan. Otherwise, it's, you know, you start to spiral. And when you spiral, it's hard to get out of it. It's really hard, especially if you're in quarantine. I heard an interview that Oprah did years ago about, I'm going to butcher this, but she essentially said at one point she made a decision in her life to throw a big dinner and bring all of her friends and family who've been asking her for money and stuff for years.

25:23and she threw this big party, huge dinner, threw the best food and gave away cash and cars and gifts and said, I'm bringing you all here. I'm giving you the last thing I want to give you. Because I assume for years, people just kept asking for more and more and they were never happy and they're never satisfied. This is the general concept. I might be butchering it. How do you guys manage the expectations of friends, family, people that are just on social media that ask you for things. How do you manage the energy of people getting angry or upset or getting hurt if you don't do something for them when they think you should or could?

26:03Do you guys face that at all? All the time. It's a great question. I mean, first of all, I don't get angry at anyone's reaction. Very time when people ask for something, you're put in a lose-lose situation. I remember my mother told me and I when I was growing up to never to never lend people money for a lot of different reasons. It creates - You'll be let down. You'll be let down and why do I have to pay him back? They don't need the money or if you do pay him you know there's all kinds of guilt and resentment. So you know one way to handle this is you just you can give people money and just say this is a gift not alone.

26:44But it's really case by case. It's really case by case and situational. And, but it, I'm not going to lie, man. It is challenging. It is challenging. And how do you know when someone is like truly a friend or versus someone who's like always reaches out every year for, for something, you know, monetarily, let's say. I don't feel like we have, we have that much issue with that. Oh, that's good. Yeah, I mean, I personally don't know how you feel about it. But I think, you know, I think it feels very obvious to us, who who's a friend and who's maybe someone who's more of an opportunist, but we live our life in such a way that we're not in the situations very often that we're put in these positions.

27:34and I stay very true to my core mission again with my foundation which is elevating women and supporting women so it gives me an opportunity to explain or have my team explain why the funds don't make sense to go there and that we love to support everyone and everything but you have to pick a lane and in order to be effective or possibly make an impact in that lane you have to give yourself permission again to say no to everything else that isn't in that lane. So that's been very helpful. Yeah. Having that structure and organization and that explanation makes sense. Yep. Has this, has this time, has this time shifted your guys' vision for the future?

28:19This quarantine, Corona stuff, has this shifted your ideas of how to be an entrepreneur for the future about your businesses, your brands being, you know, learning how to use zoom now and is it shifting anything or are you saying you know what we're staying the course is our initial vision for where we had before i mean i'm going to speak for myself i'm in survival mode right now so yes so i retail well no i mean at home i have not talking about business she's talking about my home i'm sorry kids i'm in survival mode i mean we've had no nanny, no support. We have been for five weeks now with four children, 10 and under, and three of them are five and under, which anybody with small kids knows you're game on.

29:07From the minute they wake up, you're making sure they don't get hurt. You're just tag teaming it. We're doing around the clock cooking and cleaning and all of this. So I have not had the luxury of time to think about anything much else. So it has been all consuming for me. By the time we get the kids finally to bed, it's later. And the minute our heads hit the pillow, we're pretty much asleep. We haven't watched any television in five and a half weeks, other than maybe a few minutes of news here and there. I mean, I haven't read a book. I have not had a minute to do anything, but I will say that I do think that there's a, for me, I'm hoping that there will be this shift in gratitude because I think gratitude is the basis for happiness and the basis for joy.

29:54And we are, we, the whole, all of us got a reset button on gratitude because you know, it's very easy when you're on autopilot, you're going to and from work, you're doing this, you know, you, we take certain things for granted. And now, I mean, the simplest things when we come out of this, I'm, we're going to have such extreme gratitude. I mean, I mean, I had to make a Target run the other day. I put on tons of gear, but I've never been more grateful to be able to go to Target. And so I think there's going to be all these nuggets where we come out of this and going to a park is going to be such a gift.

30:30Going and seeing friends is going to be a gift. And we were just doing it before. Yeah. There's the difference between guys and girls. The survival mode, Sarah means, is survival around time. You know, we have to homeschool four kids that have different schedules and Sarah's running a business. I'm running a business so and there's no one around. So we have a swimming pool. There's stuff that can go wrong. So you have to be alert and survival mode meaning like alert. I'm a different animal in this thing. For one, Louis, I'm taking earmuffs, Sarah. I'm taking inventory. story, you know, this is a time where humans can shine and become great humans.

31:16You know, I want to be known at the end of the quarantine as someone that called my friends, called my family, called my customers. I want to be remembered as someone that didn't disappear. I want to be remembered as someone in the community. So I'm making it a point every day. I call it the three-minute miracle. I just take three minutes. I send three texts every day. So So over the month, I'll send 100 texts and emails to friends, family, and customers. If you invest 10 minutes, you'll send 300 emails in the next 30 days. And that's what I'm doing. I'm making sure when I have free time that I'm staying connected.

31:50We organized a Zoom call with our friends from Poland. I've done the same with my college friends, high school friends. I want to make sure during these times, a lot of emotions come to the surface, man. And, you know, you start to realize what you want to do, what's important to you. And when we come out of this, I want to put way more on my plate of the things I love to do with the people I love to do them with. And that's what I miss. I don't miss going to a sporting event or watching a rerun. Or what I miss is like the camaraderie of my friends. Yeah. Getting the ice tub together with the friends.

32:24Yeah. I'm going to OD on experiences. Sorry, sweetie, when this is over. You've already OD'd for the last 10 years. i'm already od but like that's what i'm craving i'm craving like you know so um i'm using this time and if you if you're a business owner this is a great time to to uh to do two things one is for a lot of businesses the narratives about that has changed so if i'm in if i'm in the financial world and i sell insurance let's just say and i've been struggling to sell the The insurances, the narrative has now changed because really what you're really selling and what people want is peace of mind.

33:04People want security. And those that can reimagine their talk track and their business and talk to the emotions that people are going through, taking the biggest risk off the table, giving people comfort are going to win. And this is a time to invest in that storyline and those relationships.

33:28Has success, your success, tested the relationship in the last few years since you've kind of been blowing up now? So it's interesting. The reason why I said yes is I didn't actually realize that you were going to say so, like as in popularity. When I was behind the camera and I stepped in front of the camera like the first or second time, Tom literally in front of the entire company he's like my wife's gonna be bigger than me and I have zero problem with it He's like mark my words. He wants it. He's like he he doesn't love being in front of the camera Like he's very good at it, but he loves the impact the camera is just the tool for him I freaking love like this just hanging with you and like the idea of creating impact and staring at the camera like this could Create like who knows where this can go, right?

34:14That is such excitement and beauty to me so the size and popularity no but when i went from being a housewife who supported him to being an entrepreneur that was a big struggle for us because what happened was when quest was growing our first facility was in compton and tom being very passionate and big brothering for a kid who lived in the inner cities he said it was very important for us to help the inner city people so he when we started quest we put out a call and we said we don't care about your background we don't care if you've got uh if you're an ex-convict we don't care all we care about is who are you today and who are you willing to become and are you willing to work hard and that's it so now we put a call out and so literally we had lines and lines and lines of people that were looking for a job so flash forward quest grows 57 000 i've now got a facility about 10 000 square feet 40 40 zero employees underneath me within two years.

35:12I went from shipping on my living room floor, not knowing how to be a boss, to then 40 employees. Now, a lot of them, ex-convicts, a lot of them are much bigger than me, right? They're like your stature. I'm five foot one. You can like pick me up with your pinky. So what I thought, bad advice, but what I thought I should do is go in there and be aggressive because show them you can't be pushed around, Lisa. that's the only way i know how and a lot of the female entrepreneurships back then as well this is like 2010 ish 11 um were all about basically don't show emotion and you have to be like a dude and so i went in there going thinking okay i'm not going to get pushed around and so i'm going to go there and i'm going to bark orders and i'm going to tell them you know i'm a stern you know you can't push me around now i you can imagine that didn't motivate any and my team that was a total disaster and what that ended up doing it started to harden me and one day tom pulled me aside in our person when we got home he said babe i love you but you're hardening and you're hardening to a point where now you're bringing this into our relationship and he said and look let's talk about it i understand why you need to harden because business is tough so let's actually talk about it but i want to talk about the lovely sweet wife that I miss and he's like if you bring too much hardness to our relationship he's like it doesn't compute with me he's like I love your softness I love that you care I love that you have this big heart and because you're starting to soften in business you're starting to lose the softness in our relationship right and so let's talk about that and I was like yeah that's very fair i love to be like i love it when he like wraps me around his arms or like he carries me because my feet are sore like like i love the fact that he's six foot like i love that about him and so i was like oh you know what as a relationship a you need to have space where your partner can say the truth even if you don't agree like maybe i want to be hard but i have to give him space to be heard so i heard him out and initially i was defending i was like but you don't understand why i have to be hard you know it's okay for you you're a guy people respect you and block you know and i gave every reason why and he's like babe i'm not saying like this isn't a skill set you need to you need to quote of course you do you have to you know dominance is going to be very important in business but how do we navigate navigate what you're doing in business and our relationship and so we just started i was like okay that's very fair when i come home how do i soften because i like to be soft yeah so i had to figure out what that strategy was and so to the strategy that i said of how on earth i suit up to get on stage i now do the opposite to soften so literally if i want to be a big ball of mush which i really do enjoy being around my husband um you've seen me around him like i'll sit on his lap and whatever i do the opposite i take my jewelry off i put my hair up i wear wonder woman fluffy pajama bottoms or like in fact i wear onesies we have matching onesies that we wear every Saturday and we match onesies because I want to feel that emotional connection with him on a personal level.