7 Transformative Insights on Parenting Successful, Happy, and Financially Smart Children

23:29Here's why. I know you're capable of figuring this out. And the best feeling in the world is the feeling you get when you think you can't do something. And then you wait a little bit and you see that you can do a little bit more and I'm not going to take that feeling away from you. And so I'll take a deep breath with you. We can take a break. but like I know you can do this okay and when I hear people be like does that work yes I mean it doesn't that work for adults imagine you have a hard time at your job and you're saying to your manager like you do this one if they're like listen I'm not because I know you're capable and like it's okay if it takes some time it's okay if you take a break I can be here to like kind of think about where could that piece go oh is that an edge oh edges in the middle probably not in the puzzle where do oh you're right edges go on the outside look at you my kid experiences is the win.

24:21And what their body learns is when I get frustrated, I don't look for the answer for someone to take that away from me and give me immediate success. By the way, if we really want to get into it, if we want to know what entitlement is, entitlement is the accumulated experience of feeling frustrated and then having someone else give you immediate success. Wow. That's what it is. Without you having to do it. And I'll never forget seeing the family of 16 year olds who was like horrified their kid had a full-on tantrum at 16 because they weren't flying first class and they were like every parent's nightmare and they're like how do we get entitled kid the most well-meaning parents but this was a kid every time something didn't go his way and I think money makes this more complicated because you can buy kind of your way out of kids frustration you can so it's almost hard to resist that if that's an option but every time it was like frustration success frustration a new option frustration I figured it out because someone else does something for me Well, when you finally get to the point at 16, if that's your circuit, and then you're frustrated because something's surprising, it's not really about first class, your body actually is like WTF.

25:26Like, I literally was not built to tolerate this. And then it ends up looking awful, but really, it's really vulnerable. Right? Super vulnerable. Super vulnerable. So I want to give you one more example of resilience. There's three lines I think every parent needs to know. And I honestly can almost reframe that saying, I think every person in a relationship needs to know. Whether you're in a romantic relationship, a work relationship, it's the same stuff. Because another resilience-building moment I can imagine is kind of like what I said to you earlier. Let's say your kid's a little older. I'm the only kid who doesn't know how to read chapter books, or I'm the only one of my friends who didn't get into honors math.

26:00So teenagers. Yeah, I'd say that. I'm the only kid who didn't get into honors math. I tried out for the lacrosse team. All my kids, my friends made it. And I didn't make it, yeah. Everyone, me included, okay, my first instinct is to, quote, make my kid feel better. oh you're gonna make it next year or you made you made varsity soccer and none of them made soccer right whatever whatever the thing is or we say you're gonna see it's not a big deal okay so here's the image i'm big on images now this is gonna matter in 20 years or whatever you're yeah we say right the truth is we kind of say because we're uncomfortable and we're just kind of making a kid a pawn in our game but like if you picture your kid on a bench and if you picture like them kind of in a garden that's what i like to say that's like the parable for lunch life the garden and there's a bench.

26:43And essentially when your kid says, I'm the only one who didn't make the lacrosse team, let's say they're sitting on the bench of, what is it? Disappointment or maybe it's embarrassment or both or feeling surprised and let down. I don't know. It's something like that. That's the bench. And as parents, we tend to have two instincts when our kid is on the bench, kind of some type of distress. We either want to tell them that their bench isn't their bench. That's not a big deal. Even though they're like, but I'm... But that's how I feel. But I'm on it. Or we kind of see a sunnier bench and we're like, just come with me.

27:18Right. But like you're the best at, you know, at soccer. And so we're like, right. And both of those reduce resilience because resilience is kind of like your ability in that garden of life to like whatever bench you find yourself on, you're able to sit in it. Not drown in it, but sit in it. Like because when you're there, you inevitably will be like you're not terrified. You're not spending all your energy, like, running away from a bench. Like, if you saw that, you'd be like, dude, like, what? Just a bench, you know? And so how do we help our kid feel like essentially, like, it's okay to be them no matter what bench they're on.

27:53Or really, it's okay to be you even when you don't make the lacrosse team. Because that's really the essence. That's the core thing that resilience is about. So how long should they sit on that bench of emotion? Great. So to me, these three lines will play that out. So to me, as soon as your kid says something distressing to you, we have those two urges. We have to recognize them. We're not bad people. Just, I always say, say hi to them. Hello, urge to make it better. And here's to me is the first line every parent needs in their toolbox. I'm so glad you're talking to me about this. To the child.

28:21Say that to the child right away. When they're stressed out, when they're angry, upset, shameful, any unsettling emotion that you don't enjoy yourself, say back to them, I'm so glad you're telling me this right now. That's right. I'm so glad we're talking about this. because, and again, if we think about an adult context, if I was like, I'm so mad at my husband, he never, whatever it is, he never is home for bedtime and he forgot the one thing I said and if I was like, hey, like, you're never doing anything around the house and I'm really frustrated. If he said to me, you know what, Becky, well, you're upset, but like, I'm so glad you're telling me about this.

28:55Like, you know relationships, I'd be like, I think we're good now. Like, I don't even know what was I upset about. Like, because what someone's really saying to you when they say that is this feeling in you that you're feeling is real. And I still want to be in a relationship with you when you're feeling that way. Yeah. I still love and accept you. That's right. And so our kids need to absorb from us, from a resilience perspective, my parent can tolerate this part of me before I learn to tolerate this part of me. Wow. So that's line one. Line two, I believe you. I always say, like, if there's one line that would be probably the most healing in people's childhoods.

29:40Wow. And the most confidence building from childhood, it's that. And it's so simple. Like, because when you say to someone. What if you really don't believe them, though? Well, there's always something you should believe. Right? Because they're like, I didn't make the lacrosse team. And I'm never going to be able to go to school again. It's so embarrassing, right? I'm not saying, I guess you can never go to school again. That's not what I'm believing. I believe that's how you feel. That's right. And you don't even have to say that. Because underneath our kids' extreme verbalizations, we get very caught up in their words.

30:12Yes. They represent a world. We believe the world. And so even though I'm never going to school again, I would say, I believe it feels good. that bad and because i do yeah it does i mean it's like it just it is like he's on that bench like yeah right i especially if someone at that age who doesn't have the skills of emotional resilience so they're building it still and they haven't figured out how to manage those emotions it seems horrifying that's right it seems terrifying that's right and if my kid says i'm the only one who didn't get a chapter book you know i got this picture book and everyone else is reading chapter books, it's so easy to say, you can't be the only one.

30:50We actually say to our kids all the time, which terrifies me, I don't believe you. And if we wonder why people don't trust their emotions, it's because when they felt emotions that were strong, they received not one time, over and over a message of, I know your feelings better than you know your feelings. Or just suck it up, or it's not that big a deal, or just kind of undermining their emotions. That's right. And so when I think about I believe you, I do. Like, I have a daughter. I have three kids. I have a daughter. And, like, I don't know how. I always picture, like, she's at some, like, college party in some, like, kind of uncomfortable situation, let's just say.

31:26How old is she now? How old is she now? She's nine. But let's just say she's now. In the future. She's 20. And someone's like, I don't know, come back with me. And if she wants to, great. But let's say she doesn't. Yeah. You know, in those situations, I'd be like, it's not a big deal, you know? Do I want her self-talk to be? I do have a history of other people knowing what I'm feeling better than I know what I'm feeling. Or do I want her to be like, I know I don't want to go home. I want to cry. I believe myself. And this person is telling me I want something else. But how could this person know?

32:00Because I know what I'm feeling. And those things are completely related. And so that's the second line. And then the third line is equally simple. It was just, tell me more. Tell me more. Oh, and then, oh, so they posted the list on the pinboard. Wait, so everyone was there. Oh, my goodness. Everyone was there. And let's say I knew my son had a crush on someone. Oh, that person. Oh, that person was there, too. And you were, like, so excited. You were going to, like, be on the lacrosse team. And that person saw it. Saw that you failed. Exactly. So I'm just, like, fleshing out the story. And now at all these moments that my kid was in pain, which, by the way, part of the pain was probably that they were alone.

32:38I'm kind of infusing myself in every moment. I'm adding connection. I'm adding believing. And here's the thing about the bench. My experience, when you kind of go through this, your kid gets off the bench before you do every time. Really? And then you're like, oh, I guess where are they going next? And when they need you? They come back. Yeah, or you find them in that next bench. Interesting.

33:01If you want to have an incredible legacy, you should spend half as much money on your children and twice as much time. See, there is no, kids do not know the difference between quality time and quantity time. There's no difference. It's not up to you to decide. Doing Legos with your five-year-old could be a core memory for the rest of their life. And you had no idea. Right. With children, it's just time clocked. But how do you, Scott, you know, managing all these businesses and have all this, you're traveling constantly, you've got coaching tons of people, you're, you know. Yep. You're always on the go.

33:40How do you find the time, quality or quantity, to invest in your family and your kids? Yeah, so it starts with our structure. So I've put people around me in my life who agree first. It starts with inner circle. So we have a structure in our world where the five closest families around us and our children have the same values of investing in our families together. Your friend families. Our closest families. We are on the same mission and all of the values I just walked you through. And that could be together as all the families, or it could be like on the weekends we do this as anyone's welcome to come over.

34:16We're together on weekends. We're spending family time. Travel. This is our inner circle because this is done in community. If you're on an island, it's very difficult. So parenting, I believe, should be done in community. That's just why we do coaching with families all the time at dinner table. So you have to unpack this with other families. You have to have families that align with your values. See, here's the teenager hack. You ready? You need coaches and trusted other adults in your teenager's life that can reinforce the things you care about most. You have to have that. Because they may not always listen to you.

34:51They won't after a while. There's a chunk of time. But if there's five other coaches or teachers or mentors that say the same things, they might resonate with them and say, okay, maybe dad was right all along. You probably have 100 ,000 teenagers that have listened to you that go to their parents and go, you guys, I just learned this awesome thing from Lewis. They're like, I've been saying this my whole life to you. But you want to say that to your kids. Yeah, yeah. You want your kids coming to you with, like, revealed knowledge that you've been trying to teach them for 10 years. It doesn't matter who gave them the light bulb.

35:23Yeah. You celebrate it. It's a thankless job, I guess, right? That's it. You teach it, but someone else gets the credit. So it starts with your inner circle. Like, we are clear on that piece. And then it goes into structure. And so with structure, my wife and I, every year, we block out stuff first for our family. Like the whole calendar year? The whole year. Trips, dates, family stuff, like what we're doing with our kids, big event. Like that goes first. Then we can fill in work and other things after. You have to do that. Every Sunday night, we're like going over the week. We're just blocking out date night.

36:00We're blocking out when the kids' events are. work fills in that gap right like that is the best way to focus your time and effort so schedule family stuff first then fill in the gaps with work or other things that's exactly right structure inner circle is there another element to this i mean going through our six strategies yeah i got pay to a point was five that's right yep and then but but the last part of pay to point is like how do you do first phone how what do you pay for like how do i do car how do we do college Are we doing college? Do we care about college? Is it an indoctrination station or is it good?

36:34Like, what about the 25, 35-year-old I love you versus coasting? What do we want to die with? What is our number that we're okay with? How much do we want to give? Like, these are questions that nobody asks their children or themselves. And what our thing is, like, we need to be open about these conversations. We have to have a roadmap. Because if you don't have a roadmap for this, you're reactive. See, there's all these other parenting, and you've had other amazing parent people here, but there's about a thousand different parenting strategies out there. Free range, gentle, like whatever, helicopter, laissez-faire.

37:11There's a million of them. I look at it with one lens. You're either parenting proactively or you're parenting reactively. Most parents are just trying to get through it, get them fed, keep them safe, get them to bed, get them to school. they're being reactive when all these things come up. And that's what causes a lot of these problems. If you can just be a little bit proactive, these are little nudges. Nothing I've told you today is hard, crazy. These are little nudges in the right direction and then just unpack them with someone and take your first step. See, that's proactive parenting. That's all that matters.

37:47Yeah. And you don't have to have it all figured out in a weekend or something. This is going to take time to develop and navigate and adjust over time. Long-term communities. Yeah. So the sixth step for, sixth strategy for legacy, what's the sixth one? Inner circle. That's inner circle. And dinner views. Dinner views. Yeah. Interview dinners. It's part of that hack. What we love to do is our entire upstairs in our home is wide open for guests and friends and family and board members and investors and those people we love. That thing is full two thirds of the year. Our kids have a constant cycle of like great people in our lives that come to dinner and our kids research them and find questions and ask them questions.

38:29Interesting. Tell me about this. Okay, you married to this. How'd you guys get married? How'd you do that business? Tell us about your biggest mistake. What's your biggest fear? How old are your kids? Like our little kids ask good questions. So it's kind of like a, you know, lunch and learn of a business, but for your family. But for your family. For dinner. And they learn. That's interesting. They learn from other people so much more. That's fair. A lot of families take for granted the kids and the parents, but when you bring other people that are reinforcing things, it just sticks. You could probably do this.

39:00If you took one minute to think, what were the five most pivotal moments or conversations of my life? I know my five. Those are with mentors and trusted people and events that happened that completely took my life in a different direction. Yes. That had that not happened, I would not be anywhere close to who I am today. Right, right. that's the power of doing this with your kids. How many, I guess, dinner views do you have? Three a month. Three a month. That's a good starting point. Yeah, yeah. But just be intentional about this stuff, man. So here's another thing about inner circles. There's a study that came out, and I'm going to butcher the sources, but I think it was Stanford a few years back.

39:40They did a study on obesity and network. Uh-oh. Tell me. Okay. They found, huge study, if you have close friends in your inner circle that are obese, you're 45 % more likely to gain weight in the next year. Oh man. Say, and I'm, I'm looking at this from a different lens, right? Like this relates to families and children. So if that's 45%, but then they took it a rung out. If you don't directly know the person, but it's a friend of an inner circle friend, you're 20 % more likely to gain weight in the next year. And if it's a third rung, friend of friend of friend, you're 10 % more likely. Wow. And I go, that's the best analogy of inner circle and network that I've ever seen.

40:20It's probably the same thing around money. How is your inner circle related to how much money you make or can make? Your view of money, your generosity, your investing mindset, your delayed gratification thinking, your up-leveling. I've up-leveled. I'm not just throwing away friends, but I'm saying I've up-leveled my networks 20 times in my life already. Wow. And because I want to be around the people that have like stepped in my shoes and they're like in one domain of their life where I want to head as the North Star. And I think that the trick here that a lot of people don't realize is mentors become friends as you grow in what they teach you.

41:03Yeah. As you learn and get to a level. They're your peers. Yeah, exactly. And what a lot of people don't realize is that. And so some of my best friends in the world were mentors to start. Wow. Yeah. We have a lot of older friends that I just, we love them and their families. And now I mentor their children. Wow. It's like a slingshot, right? I have a bunch of young guys in their 20s come over to our house every month around the campfire till midnight. And we just train, coach. They're asking, and all their parents are like dear friends of ours. That's the best way to do it. Oh, that's cool. Yeah.

41:36Campfire. How many times do you do a campfire? Once a month. That's pretty cool. Bring them over. We do campfires and s'mores all the time. Really? Oh, yeah. We're always playing in the backyard and the pool and doing campfires. We have the gas fires. That's amazing. Yeah, man. Wow. Okay. So the six strategies for legacy value creation setup, home economy, the three E's, heritage over inheritance, building your family DNA, relationship breakthroughs. Yep. Pay to a point strategy. Can I say one more thing on those relationships? Yes. we teach the 10 love the love languages in the 10 states but we also talk about forgiveness because we now because i know the thread of this talk is trauma and money trauma and how we think about this right money trauma is a massive issue it's the only trauma that we wake up and work for for the rest of our life what do you mean so when you're a silver spoon kid where things are paid for.

42:32Okay. You, you know that you didn't earn things growing up. You're not fully prepared. And then you get there and you're like, I can't do this to my kids. Hard knocks, tough love, make it work on your own because you usually screw up somewhere. And then it's like, you know, hard, good men, strong times, strong men, weak time, weak times, like bad, weak men, bad times. And then that goes the cycle. This is what happens in families. Every generation you come from, like everything was provided for and never had to struggle and grow to like, you're like, oh no. And then your kids struggle. You either screw it up and your kids go back to nothing or the other way where you start from nothing and then you grow up and you're like, I can't do this to my kids.

43:12I got to pay for everything and give them everything. So we teeter totter. Every generation just teeter totters back and forth and it causes immense money traumas. And then the problem there is you're waking up every day and working for that trauma. With all the other types of trauma, you're like, how do I not think about this? How do I heal from this? How do I let this go? You're trying to get therapy and help at best and move through to forgiveness. This one, you've got to then wake up the next day and figure out how am I paying the bills. Wow. So how does someone start to heal from these many wounds or many traumas then?

43:48Well, I think that the main thing we've got to understand is we're told to forgive. Like the Bible tells us to forgive. The Bible does, I don't think the Bible teaches us how to forgive. It just says do it. It just says do it and do it a lot. Because like to the degree you forgive others, you're going to be forgiven. I believe in that, but I don't think it teaches us actually how to let things go. So we got a lot of really good training when we went through some really tough stuff. And it was through some of the top, I won't say all the names, there's like six of them, But they are trauma, forgiveness, let go therapists.

44:23And what you do is you basically go through a system where you can call forth in your mind what happened. Call the person forward that it was or the situation and declare what happened. And you're in a safe setting in your mind. Then you can actually move and feel that. And then there's a moment in every trauma or painful thing in our life where you can find what I call the gift. doesn't justify what happened. It doesn't make it okay. What you do is you say, because of that difficult thing, I am now this kind of a person. And I'm so thankful for how I love my kids better. I love my new partner better.

45:02I'm better in business from this. I care about my health better. That's the gift. And now you can sit in that gift and feel that and swell that overwhelmingly. And when you sit there long enough, it starts to spill over to forgiveness. or you can actually say, I forgive you in love. What are the strategies that these 100 high net worth families have? The three things they all have in common that keep them in peace with the money they're making and have good relationships with their family and their kids to make sure that money doesn't ruin their lives. Yeah. Well, that's the first thing. They have a correct view of what money actually is.

45:44What is money? But let me back up for two seconds because I'm not just studying the richest families in the world. Half of our families were the richest or were on track to become extremely wealthy who gave, who were generous, who stewarded it well for their family's investment. So one of the main things I want everyone to hear is like one of the biggest things I learned with the best families in the world is that they believed in heritage over inheritance. What's the difference? well, inheritance is just leaving them stuff, leaving them money. This is what the whole financial world is trying to get you to think.

46:22Yeah. Your job is to die with assets to take care of them. That's what you should define as love. And I'm like, no, no, no, no. 90 % of generational wealth transfer, gone by the grandkids. Really? Gone. What people don't study, because I'm a 7 million family, this is my world. I wanted to know what was underneath that. Okay, what happens if you just pass on a bunch of money and assets and homes and stuff because you love your kids and you want to take care of your grandkids? What happens if you pass on money to kids or grandkids that don't understand money? That's right. If they don't understand it, you get a whole host of nightmares.

47:00Mental health. Imposter syndrome. I didn't earn this. I know I didn't earn this. Lottery ticket. Why does everyone that wins lotteries go crazy and go broke? They end up giving it all or in bad investments. They don't know how to manage it. They don't know how to create value in the world. They don't have the right relationship to it. And then there's mental health, violence, addiction, estrangement of kids. So many breaks in relationships, divorce, destruction, rampant. Because of money. Because of the money and the stuff. Or at worst, they're just waiting for their parents to go. Like how many people, like it's very hard for people to admit this, But even if you're doing well and then you're dealing with assets of an older family member, you're just for the last 10 to 15 years of their life, you're thinking about it a lot.

47:49You're consumed by it. What, like when they're going to go so you can get their stuff? Yeah. So then they stop risking. Because they know eventually they're going to get this. You stop creating value. You don't take that chance. You don't build that new thing. You don't start that company. Like, I'm going to wait for the pay. I'm in this boat in a way right now. I've got a big payout coming at the end of the year. Really? From an exit of a company three years ago, like the last 5 % is hitting at the end of the year, and it's a guaranteed, you know. Big check. And I'm looking at it like, and I'm teaching this and learning this from these families, and I'm unpacking and realizing that at least once a week, I'm like, yeah, but that's coming.

48:29I don't have to work as hard, or I don't have to add value here. I don't have to take that chance. I don't have to create that value. I don't have to dive into learning this thing. I'll do that after this. That'll give me all the freedom and peace to do it. Give me cushion. The same entitlement mentality. Wow. So inheritance has a lot of inherent problems. But if you focus on heritage, which to me is a last name that means something, the values of the family. It's the mindsets, the skill sets, what we care about as a family. Right? When somebody hears the house name in the world, what's the smell?

49:06What does it remind them of? It's the feeling. That's it. What's the essence? Yeah. The Danish have a term called hugae. It's the feeling you get when you walk in someone's house. That's the smell of their family, the scent. Hugae to me is heritage. So I believe families need to work on heritage instead of inheritance. If you get heritage right and you're training them up the right way, then really the inheritance is less of an issue. You can still leave some. Yeah. I'm not like tough love, let them scrape. Like I'm not that guy. Give them zero. I'm not that guy. but there's a process for this, right?

49:40There's a difference between an I love you gift and a coasting gift. What's the difference? The moment it kills their desire to create more value in the world, you've moved from I love you to coasting. And the bigger problem is that when you have multiple children, one of them might be a high earner. Like if my parents died and left me tons and tons of cash, at this point, I am financially competent enough, six businesses, millions of customers, thousands of employees. I know what to do to steward it well, and it's not going to ruin my identity. I'm not going to say who, but other family members, cousins, other people, if they got the same amount of money, would crush them.

50:24Really? Yeah. They all want it. What happens to someone psychologically when they are given a large sum of money that they have not earned, and it's too large for them to really steward in a healthy way. What happens psychologically to a human being when you win a lottery that's too big for you to understand and comprehend, too much money, or you're passed down an inheritance that is too big? Yeah. Well, it's like a participation trophy on steroids. So this is why if you're not prepared for the blessing, for the reward. There's this verse in the Bible. I don't want to get too Jesus on you, but there's a verse in the Bible that says God's not going to give you more than you can handle.

51:12I actually believe that that's not pain and trials. I think that that has to do with blessing and reward. See, what I think is God actually helps us through the hard stuff. The hard and the trials of life, I call them healthy struggles. Okay, our book, Value Creation Kid, the healthy struggles your children need to succeed. That's the point. When you go through healthy struggles, right? Things that grow you, you're refined. You learn how to create value. You learn humility and empathy and strength and inner confidence. Yes. Not, hey, Lewis, you're pretty. You're smart. You're nice. No, no. Inner confidence.

51:55What does our friend Alex say? He's like, you don't get confident by chanting incantations in the mirror, but by having an undeniable stack of accomplishments to get there. Evidence and proof. Things you've overcome. So I actually think that that has to do with God's not going to give you more blessing than you can handle. More stuff, more opportunity. Because I think if people get there without the journey, without the value creation journey, ruins them. Like this is how you actually lose faith. This is how you think you can do it all your own. This is where you get imposter syndrome. This is where you get like fear, anxiety, or greed misplaced.

52:39Right? This is, all the bad stuff happens here. Entitlement, all that stuff. But if you've gone through that journey, you're refined. You're prepared. So how do we prepare for the blessings of more money then? I think it starts with training up our children. This is my world, man. Like true value creation for our kids is the game. So we have this thing called the home economy system. We could unpack how I got here if you want me to, but I think allowance is socialism. Okay. I know that comment right there is going to get you thousands of pissed off people. But can I unpack that for a minute? Please.

53:16What's the... And even chores. Like if you just do allowance for chores, it doesn't work. And let me explain. Why is allowance for chores or automatic allowance every week a bad thing for kids? Because allowance is codependency and it's tied in our studies to a lack of motivation and an aversion to work. If you teach children that they get the same amount of money every week just for existing. Or for doing the bare minimum. Or putting in the time and effort, you got a problem. Interesting. You're going to raise in time. It's not creating value. That's right. What is money? Let's get into this.

53:51What is money? Money is not good. It's not bad. That's what people think. Money is amazing. You should focus on it. Well, that's a keeping up with the Joneses identity trauma waiting to happen. If they say it's bad, that's a poverty mindset. The Bible does not say money is bad. It says the love of money, the idol of money. Money is neither good or bad. Money is a tool that makes you more of what you already are. It is a store of value. A store of value. What does that mean? It's a store of value that's created. So when we teach kids and families at our dinner table program, we literally say, create value first.

54:28So you want to know the number one strategy of the top 100 families in the world. Yes. Okay? It's teach your kids to create value first, not money. Because money is a store of value. You have to go back to first principles. If you focus on value creation, material value, which you create and produce in the world, solving problems, financial reward is the reward of that. Emotional value, good friendships, how you think, how you feel. Spiritual value, how you love, how you live, mindset, me lifting you up above your issues to a higher calling, to God, getting out of your ego. That's spiritual value.

55:07Yes. So if we can teach our children, hey, we're going to be value hunters in this home, that is the number one greatest asset you could ever give them. It's an unfair advantage for the rest of their life. Wow. And what you don't do is you focus on the money side. So you don't talk about the money. The money comes as a result of value creation. So back to the allowance. It's the reward. Allowance teaches them nothing about creating value for money. And then what parents do is they say, well, my kids do a list of chores and I give them an allowance. Okay, so now there's - you because they're helping out around the house or they're contributing but the problem there is that half those chores you should never tie to money those are those should you should never pay your kids to make their bed and clean their room do the dishes and trash homework that should be just a way of living that's the role in the family yeah this is what we do it's an we call those expectations yes standards yep so that's why chores doesn't work at the first part the other half those chores should be a menu of ways to earn and it should be unlimited.

56:06So we call those gigs. So this could be a list on the fridge or wherever that's like, here's a hundred gigs. Yeah. Or make it up. Or make up the gig. Go find ways to create value. I'll tell you how much that's worth for me. And that is the winner for every single family. The moment your kid starts hunting for ways to create value at home or in the neighborhood, we call those community gigs. Now they're going out and having a lens to see the world, not what I can get, but how I can create value for others. That is the true hack for all financial competency. What are the three most valuable gigs that you have at your home that you ever gave to your kids or they gave to you and you said, yeah, I'm willing to pay more for that?

56:44Yeah. We're at a point now, they have about a dozen gigs that are on the list. Our system, the dinner table program, you literally get a printout for the fridge. It's auto repeating. You can pay your kids every week. It's a payday. But remember, we have expectations. We have gigs, but we have - Expectations are separate. That's free. You don't get paid for showing up and living a standard of excellence. That's right. But the gigs, we break them up. So there's action gigs and there's brain gigs. What's the action gig? Action gigs are kind of what you might think of some chores, like sweep the garage, wash a window, something in the yard, clean a bathroom, make a meal.

57:23Brain gigs are my favorite part. Read a book and give me a report on it. Yep. Podcasts, TED Talks, this one right here. Parents should be like offering up$4 if their kids tell their parents three things they learned from this and one thing they're going to apply to their life. Yeah. We call those brain gigs. No sugar for a week. I am statements every single day for a month. Interesting. These should be tied to value because it's creating value with your brain. You and I, our whole life is creating value with our brain. Way more than our hands and feet. Why are we not teaching that to children?

57:57Homework is an expectation, but there should be a ton of brain gigs. So my three favorite, I'll give you my three favorite, and we automate these in our app, okay? Subscription hunt. What if you had your kids - Save me money. What if your kids go cancel all the subscriptions that you forgot you were paying for, and they hunt and find them, and you're giving them a cut? Yeah. What a brilliant brain gig. Uh-huh. Couponing. the average family in our system, the kids and the teenagers starting as young as six years old are saving them 26 % on groceries. Wow. By learning to find the four ways we teach them to get coupons.

58:32And they get a cut of their savings. They get a savings cut. It's all automated. And then plan the next family trip. What if your kids, what if your 10 year old planned the entire, my seven year old's doing it right now. What if they got three flights, three hotels or VRBO or Turo, Uber, rental car and got the best deal. Where are we going to eat? What are we going to do? They will save you a grand. I guarantee you they will save you a grand and they will love that trip. They will own that trip and remember for the rest of their life and then free you up so much time. Interesting. Yeah. See, our whole system, our job was how do we teach financial competencies and money without the trauma and with a deeper relationship as a result with the family.

59:18Because what I just explained to you has no more conflict over chores. Kids never ask for money and stuff again. Because they know if I want money, I got to do one of these things. I know where to go. I have power. It's unlimited. It's unlimited. See, and now here's the trick. The third E, we have expectations, extra pay, and then expenses. This is where every parent goes wrong. They think that the way to buy love, no, they don't even realize it's buying love, but it is. Buying gifts and giving them stuff. They pay for everything. They think it's their way to love their kids. So they buy everything that we have a list.

59:56They're like, if you start passing off expenses, now you give your kids a motive, an intrinsic motivation to earn and create value for gigs. No more conflict. So these are like toys, starts with toys and games and trinkets and if they any sport they do have them pay for something like the basketball or the cleats have them be in charge of skin in the game skin in the game social outings with friends uh my favorite one birthday presents for your kids parties that they go to my seven-year-old reagan a couple weeks ago she was the only kid that went to the ninja gym party yeah she's the only kid at the party that bought the present because we told her it's on her list on the fridge she knew ahead bedtime.

1:00:36We didn't have to tell her. She knew. She had to make the 12 bucks after save and invest and share. She knew she had to get this present, so she planned ahead. She grabs the present. She puts it in the little bin with tissue and signs Reagan. She's seven, dude. We go to the party. Every other kid just chucks it on the table. Their parents buy them. Anyone listening with kids, we've done this. Everyone does this. The kids do not learn generosity with any of that. They didn't even open the presents at the party. Wow. But halfway through the party, Reagan walks up to me, unprovoked, with the birthday boy, our friend Dawson.

1:01:11And she's like, can he open my present now? I want to see his face. Like, sure. So they sit down in the ninja gym, and he opens her present and is on cloud nine. Big hug. Wow. She's beaming ear to ear. All the other parents, they're like, what just happened? I'm like, Reagan's learning generosity. She's going to be that 25-year-old that's, like, taking care of her friends. hospitable service organs and they carry that's generosity you got to earn it first here's the whole point unless you earn as a kid okay this is why schools fail this you can't homework money we were talking about this before unless you earn it by creating value first you'll never be able to learn how to save or invest or spend or share but parents give their kids 10 bucks to go put it to the giving thing church or whatever yeah they don't learn it that way kids give them an allowance and say, here's your debit card, whatever, Chase for Kids or Green.

1:02:06That doesn't work. They're just spending your money. It's not their money. They won't learn delayed gratification to save and invest if you're just giving them stuff. So this is why we start with value creation first, and then the home economy system. Once you implement this, and a lot of people try this, they know what I'm saying. They all agree. But they have to do whiteboards and checklists and Google spreadsheets and stuff that they erase and go grab a bunch of a roll of quarters and ones from the, and they do it for a month and then they quit. Yeah. It's too much. It's too tiring. So our system, like dinner table and our app trains the parents on how to have this automated auto repeating gigs print out every week for the fridge, one click payments.

1:02:47Like it's all set to teach the kids. So that's why we built it is like, how do we make this super, super easy for families to do? That's great, man.

1:03:00And how do we raise healthy, conscious, happy, thriving humans without over-parenting? I think modeling what that looks like as an adult is really important. I think allowing them space for mistakes and grace for mistakes is important. I also think one of the most important things that we can do for our kids is to listen and not always feel like because we have more years, because we have maybe more knowledge, that it's always right. And I think we don't give children enough credit for what they know and how they see the world. I mean, they really have natural curiosities that they really should explore.

1:03:46When we shut those things down, you know, we shut off opportunities, experiences, and ways of showing up for others. And so I think being very active in listening to our kids who are very different, right? So you need more. If you have more than one kid, there's different ways that you have to show up and being willing to do that. What would you say are then like the five core rules of parenting today in our society? If you're like, here are the five principles you should learn as a parent right now. I would say self-reflection. Self-reflection. Is number one. What does that look like? It means to think about how you're showing up.

1:04:29Think about your fears, right? Your own anxieties. How they're showing up in your parenting. How I can do things differently. Where do I start? What's the one thing that I can do today? How do I begin to separate my own childhood from my parenting? So I think, and it's a constant, right? The way I showed up yesterday for my kids is not the way I want to show up tomorrow. So what do I need to tweak? What do I need to do? I know when I was writing the book, when my kids were home, everybody was home during the pandemic. And they would come to me asking questions. And I would be in the middle of a thought.

1:05:08And I would be focused. Stop it. And so with that, I'm like, okay, this is not the way I want to show up for my kids every day. And so we devise a system. I'm going to put a whiteboard here. You write your question down and the minute I take a break I'm coming to you with that question so we can answer it So you don't forget so you don't think you're not in what you're saying is not important So finding ways to reflect on the way you show up and any boundaries for yourself. Oh, yes Absolutely not being available for your kids 24 7 to interrupt you whenever you're doing something important for you Absolutely, also setting ground rules and boundaries is what sounds like and kids need that and they want it And they thrive in it.

1:05:45Structure. Absolutely. Okay, so self-reflection. Okay, self-reflection. The other thing I would say is modeling what you want your kids to do and who you want them to be. By you being it. By you being it, yes. We can say all kinds of things, but it's in one ear, out the other, if you're doing something different. So our actions, how you show up, how are you showing compassion, how are you showing kindness, how are you problem-solving, You know, how are you leaning into your own curiosities, you know, and what that looks like for your kids. Right. So being a leader. Yes. Yes, exactly. Yes. And admitting when things are not going well, letting your kids see you do that, too.

1:06:28So the third thing I would say is showing compassion and kindness to yourself. Right. That's the hardest thing for me. Really? I have a hard time. I have a lot of negative self-talk when things don't go well for myself. and I have to, I call it the mean girl inside, right? I have to shut her down. And sometimes, especially with my daughter, I wanted my daughter to hear how I shut that mean voice down. What are the things your mean girl says and how do you shut her down? You're stupid. That's not good enough. You're a terrible mom if I make a mistake, right? Or you shouldn't wear that. Nobody wants to see you in that if you're on stage.

1:07:08No, different things like that. I have to, you know, you weren't kind to your kids. What kind of mom are you? I do a lot of that. Or if I, I'm an empath. So I like take on all the work that I do. So when I need to take a break, she will say, how do you get to take a break when people are hurting? Oh, man. So, yeah. So I would talk that. That's a mean girl inside of you, man. So I have to talk that out loud. So if my kids are having that mean thing going on too, they get to hear how I do that in my head, but out loud so that they can start doing it. What do you say to them? So I'll say, okay, self, I hear you saying that I'm not a good mom, right?

1:07:49I know that's not true, right? I didn't make a good choice, but I know I'm a good mom. So I am going to do something or say something that's going to remind yourself that that's just one, one, one time, one mistake. One moment, it doesn't define you. Exactly, yes. And so having those conversations out loud or having my kids hear me think through a problem is really important. And then also allowing them to problem solve because it's faster, it's easier. You love your kids. You want to do these things for them. But I do, I try to show up in a way that I'm not doing it for them. Like allowing them to suffer through and work through.

1:08:31like we were talking about earlier, the messy stuff, in order for them to learn how to do it when there's bigger, higher stakes involved. That's cool. Okay. Yeah. So show compassion to self and others. And then number four? Number four would be be open to getting help. Oh, yes. Yeah. So we can't do it all by ourselves. We're not experts in everything. Surround yourself around a village of people who can help advocate for you and can help you fill in the gaps where you need it. it's very hard, I think, as parents, because we don't like to say we don't know as a parent. That's hard. But I think surrounding yourself around people who can support you is really important.

1:09:14And again, it teaches your kids to do the same, that we need each other, right? We need to ask for help. There's some things we need to do on our own, but there's some things that we need help with. And it's okay to find the right people and to get the help you need. I think we pressure ourselves too much or others to be experts at everything in life or to know everything in life when we don't have the time or the energy to be experts at everything. And one of the things that I feel fortunate to have created for myself is I wanted to learn all these things for myself. So I interview people. I have people like yourself on my show.

1:09:50But I don't have the time to make this my life. Every topic that I interview someone on. I don't have the time to dive into neuroscience and I'm time to dive into nutrition and dive into money and investing. And, you know, I don't have the time to do everything. Make it my life's mission. So I try to learn what I can and be like, OK, I'm educating enough and then have access to people that I could call upon if I need some support. I love that. That's a great example. coaching support help me in my money help me in my relationships my nutrition my fitness my spirituality i call upon people for support i love that i don't try to be the the king of every topic you know right and i think that's um it makes me feel at peace knowing that i have a community of support that i can call upon when i'm struggling i love that i love that as opposed to like i need to know it all or i'm not going to call on someone because it's going to make me look weak yes you Yes.

1:10:49And that is that fear coming in, right? Of worrying about what other people think about you. I love that you put that in the sense of your podcast, but really that's life too, right? Yes. Yeah. We need a good team. We need a good village. You played sports? What sports did you play? I played softball, soccer, and ran track. Yeah. And for me, I make this analogy as well. I did track and football and basketball. For me, after sports was done for me, I played arena football for about a year and a half after college. I played with the USA handball team for the last 10 years. But really after I was done playing professionally and transitioned into business, I was like, why would I stop having a coach in my life?

1:11:33When this is what coaches helped me learn the most, gave me discipline and structure, gave me feedback in my sport for that three-month season. They made me better in that sport. Why wouldn't I get coaches in my life? So I have a coach for my relationship. I have a therapist coach for my emotions and my thoughts. I have a coach for my investing and my business. I have a coach. I have trainers for my fitness. I have a nutritionist because I want to optimize these things. I didn't have all that when I was broke, sleeping on my sister's couch, but I had mentors. I had family support. I had people in my community who were experts.

1:12:12and then as I was able to invest in coaches, I invested in coaches. But I think we should be seeking personal advisors in our life who are more experts at that thing than us. Yes. And there's someone you know who works out consistently or someone who eats better or someone that's got a good relationship that you could find that support with that I think in your life. Absolutely. So I'm always, I'm very passionate about coaches in my life and I'm always telling people, please find support, find coaches. mentors, family, friends, whatever it is, you know, whether you're investing in it or not, find someone to help you.

1:12:48Yeah. And I think too, we're seeing, I mean, I was watching something on, I don't know if I heard it on NPR or something, but about, you know, the, the rise in mental health issues, you know, post pandemic, right. And the importance of having somebody to, to have those conversations to talk about, right, is so important. So important. Like you're saying, we know our limits, but if we can surround ourselves around people who know us well enough to know, let me get this out of him, let me support him with that. And I love the analogy of coaches because that's basically what it is, right? Right. Yeah.

1:13:29Absolutely. I mean, you know, LeBron James, after he wins the first championship, doesn't say to himself, you know what, I got this basketball thing figured out. I don't need a coach for next season. Like, I'm going to do this on my own because I'm the greatest. I'm going to go do it on my own. Now, he's like, no, how can I surround myself with a better team? How can I find the coach to push me more so I can stay great? And he's got meditation coaches. Yeah, right? Everything, right? So it's like, why don't we have coaches in our life? I think sometimes we have been conditioned to think it's, if we can't figure it out on our own, then something's wrong with us Yes, and I think that's part of our society, right?

1:14:10We create that monster in our society about being stronger, not asking for help, being able to do things on your own. And we need to just kind of bust that net. Absolutely. And I'm so glad that therapy is becoming more mainstream and it's talked about more. Because, you know, I've been going to therapy every two weeks for this whole year, and it's been so helpful for me. Just even if I don't have a problem or I don't have any challenges in my mind or my emotions It's just like what can I keep improving on how can I get feedback and be a better person? How can I make sure to set myself up for if something happens in the future and just be prepared?

1:14:51It's just powerful to be able to talk and have someone to listen to you And I'm not saying everyone needs to do therapy, you know But it's like we should have a space where you talk to someone consistently your friend your partner in a safe space I love therapy. It's powerful. We don't have enough in the black community. Really? Yeah. Is it acceptable? It's not acceptable? It's looked down upon? A few things. One, it's black generations, right? The medical fields and black people have not been the best of friends, right? There's been a lot of science experiments tried on blacks, you know, sharecroppers and the Tuskegee syphilis test, those kinds of things.

1:15:32and a lot of older black people have that in their minds that i'm not letting anybody in my mind right so that's one the other thing is the religious factor so black community and jesus right that's a partnership that if you go to therapy it means i'm not having faith or trusting jesus to fix it right so that's another kind of myth that that we're struggling with and the other thing is financial right it's therapy is expensive yes um my therapy my kids therapy it's not always covered in insurance it's out of the pocket right and then the last thing i think it is um a lot of therapists are not trained in culturally relevant or responsive therapy and so uh there is a uh anxiety tax right that comes along with being black and if you go to a therapist who's not acknowledging that or not understanding that level of because they didn't experience that Right, right, yeah.

1:16:28So those are kind of the big... You think the black community should only work with black therapists? I don't. My therapist was not black. My daughter's therapist is not black. But you need somebody to know the black experience in terms of being open to recognize that there's an extra stress or something that comes along with being black. Or being open to learn that race is a big part of why we need therapy. Right. So, yeah, no, I don't think you have to be black. But I do know there's not enough. I think there's 1 % or 2 % of the psychologists are black women. So it's 1 % or 2%. I think it's 2%, I think, the statistics were.

1:17:15So I think there needs to be more because a lot of people feel more comfortable with people like them. I mean, just like whether you would go to a woman or a man, like, you know, like when I get a massage, I like, I prefer a woman, you know, but it's just my preference. So some people do have preferences, but I think there needs to be more educated therapists that are of color. Yes. Yes. I'm hopeful that within the last couple of years, with all the challenges that the world has seen, that people wouldn't want to go and serve in the mental health space and the emotional health space more now and see, like, this is an opportunity where I can serve people and be of value and go into that field.

1:17:57So I hope that happens for people. Yeah, because there's not enough. We have more patients than we have. I know. Yes, I know. Okay, I think you said the fourth thing was be open to getting help. What would you say is the fifth rule of conscious parenting and being a great parent today? I would say to have fun with your kids, right? The pandemic has shown us that we need to slow down, right? And reconnect with your children for no reason at all, but just to reconnect. And I think we're so overscheduled that we don't get a chance to really know our children, to really have fun with them in ways that they find enjoyable, that I think we should just make sure we're taking time, and spending just quality time without electronics.

1:18:42Yeah, just a couple hours a day where it's like, we're not scheduling anything. You're not going to practice or class or homework. We're just being. If you want to play, play. You want to hang out in the backyard, hang out in the backyard. You want to do nothing? Yes. Cool, to be open and just think and do that. Exactly, yeah. Why do you think we overschedule so much as parents? I think we think we know what's best for our kids, right? Again, we're trying to close the gaps between our own childhoods, right? We want to live our lives through them. I see that a lot in sports. You know that in sports.

1:19:13Of course, yeah, yeah. These parents are crazy. Screaming at the refs. Oh, it's so bad. The 18-year-old ref is just like, I'm making$10 an hour just showing up and screaming up by all these parents. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, and I think we are living through our kids too much in ways that it's causing harm. Yeah, and I think, you know, part of it is we're trying to find out what they're good that, but then some of it is just really the extra stress on our children is way more enormous than we ever, ever thought. If a parent today was only able to teach three things to their children, hypothetical scenario, what would you say are the three most important things they could teach their kids?

1:19:59Kindness, compassion, and I would say what I call radical love. And that's like this all-encompassing love that really thinks about others, sees perspectives, and that you're willing to do stuff for other people without anything in return. Does radical love include loving someone when they do wrong by you? When they're unlovable, right? Really? Yes. When they hurt you, when they do wrong by you? It doesn't mean you have to be friends with them, but it's showing them human love, right? It's showing them that in spite of your lack, I can love you from afar, but I'm not going to allow that to cloud the way that I can spread joy in the world, right?

1:20:51And I think too, it's loving even when it's hard, right? Finding a way to love even when it's hard. Wow. Yeah. What's been the thing for you as a parent that's been the hardest for you to forgive? I think for me, it's not, and we talked about this earlier, it makes me want to cry, not seeing when my kids didn't feel like they belong, all right? Not recognizing that early. In the family or in life? in life, that they didn't find us, couldn't find a space, that there was something that I could have done differently and shown up differently to help them to navigate that. And I feel still hurt by that, you know, that I didn't get that right.

1:21:33Really? Yeah. What do you mean you didn't get it right though? I just feel like if this is my life's work, you're gonna make me cry If this is my life's work, how did I not recognize that in my own home? How did I not see, particularly my daughter, where she was struggling with all the opportunities that we were giving her? Why didn't I see that it was too much? How did I miss that in my efforts to broaden her horizons? and I feel badly that I missed that for her. What is it that she needed and what is it that you needed in those moments? She needed me to tell her, this stuff is not who you are.

1:22:24This is extra, but it does not define you. You mean the activities, the sports, the music? The activities, the opportunities, the music, the soccer, the you have to do this, you have to take that class. You know, that is not why I love you. And that does not define my love for you in any way. You could do nothing. And my radical love would be my radical love. Right. And I don't think I gave her that message enough for her to feel like she had to perform all these things at a high level. So if I could go back, I would tell myself to plug in more with her and to make sure she recognized that what she does and who she is is different or separated.

1:23:08What do you say to yourself now, though, about it? Since you can't go back. Yes, I have forgiven myself for that, but it is always conscious in my mind of how I show up now. now so it's taught me to check in with my kids more um it's taught me to say okay you're going to finish this season because we started this season after this season if you decide when it's time to sign up next season and you're done with this you're done with this right you know you know we finish what we start but we can renegotiate so I do more renegotiating with my children um you know like you say there's still structure there's still things that I expect from my kids in terms of their, um, the way they show up in the home.

1:23:50Um, but I am very much more mindful of letting my kids know that they're not defined by the things that the opportunities that they get. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well.

1:24:28Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I wanna remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.