Allison Holker OPENS UP: Navigating Grief, The Greatest LESSONS From tWitch & Finding Her Purpose

27:08And so, yes, there's sometimes being a public figure, a negative side, but there's so much positive from it. And I feel it. I can feel them championing for us and cheering for us and rooting for us. And it is strength. You know, it's strength in numbers. And I feel like we can do it, you know. And I have a lot of people who are going through their own grief and trauma reach out to me for support. And I hope to be that for them, too. Wow. I mean, it's just amazing watching your journey. Because, I mean, I lost my dad, you know, same year you lost Twitch, right? Earlier in the year, my dad passed away.

27:47And I remember the sadness and the grief that my whole family collectively was going through. Now, he had an accident 17 years prior, a brain injury through a car accident that left him in a coma for many, many months. And he never was able to fully recover. So he just had a lot of health problems and we just never knew when it was going to happen. But it was still a really sad time. and then the fact of like coordinating what people don't understand is you have to coordinate a lot we're talking about this beforehand you know coordinating a funeral different emotions heightened experiences money navigating stuff while you're trying to just process like the shock the grief the loss all these things and i know you had a lot of court you were like the ceo of so many different things at once how were you able to navigate so much while grieving and experiencing just so much sadness and uncertainty and questions?

28:45I think you're the first person who have ever asked me about this. And I think it's so important to talk about because, you know, we all want to talk about the emotional side of grief and trauma. And it's really important to talk about it and it deserves conversation. But there was so much I had no idea I was going to be experiencing. from financing, from finances, from holding on to these career long-lasting relationships and these contracts that were existing, contracts that might have to go away. Are we out of breach? Timelines, timing of things, making sure my kids, are my kids going to go to a different school now?

29:25When can they go back to school? What's the timeline in that? Finding the right, correct therapist is really going to help our families through these journeys individually and together. Are we ever going to want to move? There were so many things that, you know, as I'm trying to grieve, I'm now the solo parent and solo facilitator. When my husband and I, we were partners in everything. We had started so many businesses together and we had started all these beautiful brand partnerships and career relationships and all these things that I now have to go back and reframe, restructure, reconstruct.

30:10And I'm so grateful for the team that I had standing at my side. But there are times that they had to be brutally honest. Like, I know you want to go cry, Allison. We got to pull this together and do this right now. Because I'd already lost everything. But I can't lose all that now. for myself and protection of my kids. There was a lot of moves that had to be wrangled and made that you can't just let go away. And so I had to wear so many hats for myself while also trying to be like, I'm available to my kids to grieve in any way they are. And all your friends and all his friends are reaching out to you.

30:46And it's a lot to navigate. Oh my goodness. And I think people don't realize that that's gonna be a part of it. I certainly didn't know it was gonna be a part of it. and so I feel like this whole last year was was rebuilding everything that we'd worked so hard to had already created and built wow and in some ways it really helped me to heal really because you have to go back through everything and just face it all oh my goodness you have to face it all and so for me it was like my personality I'm like let's do it and let's do it now and this is the hardest time to do it, but okay. You know, let's just see what happens.

31:29And I know for myself, my strength is my strength. And I just had to lean into that and just make choices every single day to prioritize my grieving, but then prioritize my business mind. And it's hard and it's complicated, but you just got to do it. It's messy. It's messy and it's never going to be perfect. But you just got to do it. You just got to show up. You've got to show up, you know. And I learned that I can handle a lot. And I'm proud of myself for that. And I'm proud that I could do that for myself and my children. And they've been at my side through all of it, you know. And my team has been loved.

32:14I call them my team, but it's my chosen family out here. Have been at my side and my family. They've just been my rocks. And they know it's difficult. They know it's difficult to come to me and be like, okay, I know you're having a really hard day, but like we need to get on this phone call. Oh, man. We got to get into Zoom meeting, lots of Zoom meetings all the time. We got to make decisions. We got to make decisions. How do you, I mean, for someone who's maybe going through a loss of someone close to them, how can people in their life support them the best way? Or does everyone just need support differently?

32:47because I remember like when all this happened I remember thinking to myself how can I support you obviously I wasn't that close with you I had a relationship with twitch but I wasn't as close with you but I was thinking I don't even know what do you do like how do you help someone how do you give to someone without overbearing or without you know interrupting them too much giving them space like how does someone navigate supporting someone else going through a tragic moment like this? I honestly still don't know. I wish I had an answer for that. I really genuinely do. I think it would be an important thing if there could be a playbook for people.

33:26But the truth of the matter is I don't know myself. Because there's times that people want to help me. I've had so many people want to help me. And there's times I'm like, I don't even know how to have you help me. Right. Because that's also a task at hand too. You just need alone time. You just need to talk to me. Yeah, yeah. You know, people don't realize that. For me to figure out how you can help me is also another thing for me to figure out. And that's tricky and complicated because sometimes I don't know how I need help. And so I can be honest in that. I don't know. But I think if you just give people grace, because I don't know how I need help sometimes.

34:03So if I can't give you an answer, just be like, okay. And it's interesting because I think sometimes people get offended if you don't ask them for help. So I would say sometimes that person just doesn't know how. It's not just that they don't know how to ask. They quite literally don't know what can help because we're just figuring ourselves out for the first time, you know? So just grace. Grace is a big word for me now. I don't think I've ever used grace before this last year. And now it's like, just give me grace. Now it's tattooed on your arm. Yes, the time. What do you think are the three biggest lessons you've learned through this process then?

34:45About yourself, about life, about, again, we've talked a little bit about your purpose, what you want to create through dance moving forward, but what are those three big lessons would you say? My biggest lesson I think I've learned is that every season has an expiration date on both sides with grief that will come to a close and you'll be okay on the other side but then also your good times will also have an expiration date so learn to be really grateful for those good times that's been the biggest lesson for me um let go of control let God and university do its job and the last thing I would say I learned was to accept the things that happened to you and then learn to love them the good, the bad and the ugly you have to learn to love it and that's where I've been the last couple of months I don't have to understand what happened but I have to learn to love that this is my experience and it's a part of it.

35:59And all I can do is move through it to the other side. Because you can't change what happened. I cannot. How has someone learned to love something as tragic as what you experienced? Because I still get to have life. And it's how you choose to look at things. Because with every awful thing, there's also something beautiful with it. And I have a lot of beautiful times with Stephen. And I have so many beautiful memories with him. And I've learned so much from him. There was so much love and joy that my family has learned and experienced. And that is the only reason I know this pain. But that is something beautiful.

36:32I had 13 magical years that a lot of people don't get to have. I got to have that. I got to have that grand love. I got to have that experience. I got to have a life partner that I just still am so in awe of. And he deserves that respect and love. And so for me, that is beautiful. And I got to have that and experience it. And I get to look back on that. And I get to still lead in from that place. What you're sharing is something to come up for me because my dad got into his accident when I was about 22. And I remember thinking he was never really the same person again. So I never really had a relationship with my father like most people would have.

37:13He just wasn't able to consciously remember things. He would, you know, every time I'd see him, he would kind of have to ask who I was again. And he had a different personality. It's just a different relationship than when I was before his accident. And I remember saying, well, at least I had those 20 years with him. Yeah. And when most people don't have fathers or they don't have a good experience or whatever it might be. So I really, even though it was sad to have 17 years with him alive where it was like we were disconnected, I just kept thinking about all the good that I learned from him and the lessons I got and the moments and the memories.

37:52So you have 13 years together, right? What would you say are the three biggest things that Twitch taught you during that time and maybe after that time? Kindness. He's one of the kindest humans I've ever met in my entire life. The other thing I learned from him is he always wanted everyone to feel seen. If you were with him, you felt seen. It was magical.

38:21and then I'll say man he was a beast of a dancer I mean just like man the best dancer I learned so much about dance with really and just that it's fun and you can just do whatever you want with it and express yourself and we just had such a good time on the dance floor and And he just showed me that I can just have fun. Yeah. I'm curious. What do you think is a thing you wish he would have known, felt, or seen within himself differently? For me, looking back on Steven, I feel his best qualities and why they were his best qualities is because he was trying to find that for himself. Really? I feel like he had a hard time with accepting the love that was coming into him from all sorts of people, such wonderful, lovely people.

39:23I think the reason he outpoured so much is because he felt like he couldn't hold on to it. That's what made him the kindest human. so what made him such a lovely human is that he loved to give it back to everyone instead of just holding on to that love just for a little bit longer for yourself because you deserve that love you deserve that kindness just as much as you're putting out to people but i feel like he'd receive it and then give it back and i just wish he could have just let himself feel full accept it you don't always have to pass it on to everyone else you could hold on to it. You can receive it.

40:01You can receive it. You can feel it. You can feel it and acknowledge it. It's interesting. I was watching an interview with another big celebrity recently where they were talking about, they're very famous, and they were talking about how they never really feel loved. And the praises that come to them, it's hard for them to receive those praises. It's part of the thing that drove this person to be at the top of their game. It's like constantly searching for it, but never being able to receive it. I think a lot of people can relate to that feeling of never being able to receive love fully and believe that they're deserving and worthy of love.

40:37How have you been able to know that you're deserving and worthy of love throughout your whole life? It's complicated because that was something that I feel like I've never looked at myself and said, I love you, like to myself. And I had a friend recently say, you do all these affirmations, you do all this manifesting, but have you ever just looked at yourself and said, I love you? You're like, I love you. And I was like, wow, I don't think I've ever just said that. I like, you know, like I said, I do all the affirmations, but have I ever just looked in the mirror and said, I love you. I was like, I don't think I've ever done that.

41:20So I'm just trying to do that now. Wow. I know. And it seems like such an easy concept, but like, have I ever looked in the mirror and at myself and be like, I love you? I was like, I don't know. What a good question. I'm going to certainly work on that now. Sure, sure. So that's something I'm trying to introduce myself now. But I find that the affirmations, again, of course, like I know we keep bringing that up and talking about, but that's definitely been a backbone in my life. But the word love, that's interesting to say love to yourself. Did you ever, did you love yourself growing up or is this a new concept for you?

41:58It's a new concept to think about this. I don't think I'd ever, I don't think I'd ever thought about do I love myself? Like, oh, I love my kids. I love my husband. I love my friend. I love, I talk so much about that with other people, but have I ever been like, I love myself? I don't know if I'd ever said that or even really thought about it. Yeah, I mean, there's a, you know, there's a narcissistic approach to that. And then there's an integrated, healthy approach to that, I think, where it's like, I love and accept and appreciate myself for everything I've been through and for who I'm becoming.

42:32And then there's the, everyone look at me, look how great I am, kind of a narcissistic approach, which I don't think is healthy. I think there's a healthy, healed version of love and acceptance and appreciation and a narcissistic view of like, I need more attention. And so it's learning how to navigate that, which I think can be tricky. And I think some of us diminish it because we want to stay humble. Right. And we don't want to say, you know, I love myself, look at me. But I think that's how we are able to navigate the world better and navigate these emotions. because you talked about inner dialogue earlier.

43:08And I think if our inner dialogue is speaking lack or less love or not worthy of love, then we're going to attract those things. Or if we have a good life and things come to us that are good, we're unable to receive those things. And that's going to feel disconnected as well. So there's going to be something that's challenging us internally or identity if we're unable to believe we're deserving of love, from my experience. I love that. Yeah, and it's hard to do. I didn't love myself for a long time until I started to really look, reflect, heal, forgive, all these different things. And it was a process of learning how to do it.

43:48Yeah. Like, we weren't taught as kids how to love ourselves, I don't think. And I think you're doing a great job of this with your kids. But growing up, it was just like suck it up and just keep going. Yes. But it is. It's interesting because, like, have you ever said to yourself, like, I love myself? And it is an interesting concept because we should. You should want to say that to yourself and believe that because with everything even you just said, you really just attract what you are. Yes. So you're right. You have to believe those things and really feel that way. But that is a journey that I'm on, I think, now.

44:21And I think it's hard to give something you don't have. It's hard to give love, like authentic love, if you don't feel authentic love for yourself. Yeah. So it doesn't mean you can't bring inspiring moments and joy and fun and play, but I think it's hard to bring it if you don't have it. Yeah. If you don't believe it. Speaking of the topic of love, what's the thing you loved about Twitch the most and still love about them today? Ah, the best hugs. Man. Man. Man. Man.

44:57It really is. I will say it time and time again. And he saw people. He would see you. And that was something I haven't really seen a lot of people. Like being able to have that skill of walking in a room and he could see everyone. And I don't just mean like seeing, oh, like I see you in front of me. Like I see into your soul. He could see you. Right? And it was a beautiful gift that he had. Because then he would make you feel so good about who you were. Do you remember what he said about what he loved about you the most? It was my strength. It's actually, you know, he would write that to me all the time.

45:40Really? And that's where, like, when I say my strength is my strength. It's what he would say to me. Your strength is your strength. Wow. You know, I interviewed Twitch seven years ago. And I think I sent you the interview a while back. I'm not sure if you actually watched it. But there's a little clip because I asked him what he loved about you the most. and I wanted to show you the clip real quick. Okay. It's a quick little two-minute clip. And I asked him what he's going to love about you the most. So I'm not sure if you've seen this. I thought maybe you already had. No, I don't know. I don't know.

46:10Okay. So I'm going to pull this up, and I'll let you see it. Oh, that's so sweet. Yeah. This was from, I think, seven years ago. Wild. That's crazy. Wild how much time has gone by. So we just took a little two-minute clip out of it, but I'm going to just play it for you so you can see it. What's the thing that inspires you the most about your wife? Man. Okay. So if I had to choose one thing, man, it would be her constant, constant, undying ability to make it work. Like, to make it work. Two kids. Just to give you back. Husband. Absolutely. Career. And killing it. just had a child just had a child and he's six months now had a child six months ago was just on Dancing with the Stars body incredible back in it like she never left even when she was pregnant with Maddox she was still dancing she filmed an HP commercial that she's now nominated for a World Choreography Award for when she was three months pregnant do you know what i mean in a unitard body banging you know what i mean like it's just like but but either way it goes though she's a she has this ability to look at the cards of the delt and make it work you know what i mean she she's she's a she's a very solution driven person rather rather than being like oh how's this affecting me oh i don't know she's like okay what do we got okay this is what we're gonna do to make it work like what is she she goes for the solution and it's undone she's not a victim it's she's not like oh i've got so much to do how am i gonna figure this out what was me ever ever ever cool here's a challenge let's make it work ever you know she's responsible for her life absolutely that's great even her come coming out here from los and she's from utah you know she she made the decision to move out to los angeles her and her daughter wesley uh wesley was one at the time and what what was gonna happen she i mean she didn't know but like she was like i'm i'm going to make it happen and she did and it's incredible it's incredible amazing man absolutely it's pretty cool huh i didn't know you never saw that did i've never seen that really yeah i remember asking about that because when we met i was so inspired i met twitch before i met you a few times yeah and then we met um and i was just so inspired by connecting with you at the charity event.

48:49And so I was just like, I wonder how he really feels about you, what he's really thinking about you. So what opened up for you when you saw him share that? Yep, I knew exactly what he was going to say. Oh my goodness. Because I'm such a solution-based person. So he's like, he would always come to me like, what do I do? Because I know if I come to you, you're going to put it in an order. You're going to put it in the day planner. You're going to do a little to-do list for us and we're going to be able to navigate anything. And so he would say that all the time, that if you have a problem that needs to get solved, you go to Allison.

49:20Really? So, and it's just really sweet to see his smile. Yeah, man. That was a cool moment I got to have with him. The thing that came up for me when he was saying that is he talked about, you know, you just, you dance through it all. And again, the synchronicities of keep dancing through a boss family groove. I want people to get this book just really inspiring, positive, uplifting, fun, affirmation, storytelling, beautiful design. I want people to get this book because I think you can have some great conversations with your kids in a fun way, in a lighthearted way that can also help you get through challenging moments in life.

49:57Yes. And so I'm excited about this book and for people to get this. What is the what do you see yourself really stepping into now? This is one of the first times I've seen you use your voice for this long of a period of time in this conversation. You're doing more conversations. You're sharing your voice more. You've got this book, Keep Dancing Through. I know you have like 17 different TV projects that people want to work on you with. Some things are happening. Some things are in the works. Another book I think you're working on. What do you see yourself creating over the next couple of years now?

50:33You know, I think I'm kind of an open book to whatever comes my way, if you would. I, for me, I know that my purpose is to help people through their own grief. Wow. I know that this is something that's being called on me to do. And so I must follow where that's leading and trust that that path and those doors will open in the right places so I can help as many people as I can. because I'm navigating this space for the first time and I know it's really tricky and it's really hard um but I want to support other people through theirs yeah and I want to have those hard conversations and I want to be that person that can be there for them and hopefully carry them like they've been carrying me so far um and so I feel like for whatever it is in whatever capacity my purpose is to help my purpose is to still lead from love and joy and and yes it's going to be through books and yes it's going to be through tv shows i'm so excited to be back at so you think you can dance i'm going to be a judge this time oh it's such a wonderful great it's been it's been so lovely to have been a dancer to a choreographer on the show and to now be sitting at the judges table it's it's full circle it's real it feels like it's my home and i'm helping other people in their journeys and i um i don't take that lightly and so for me I just, I have to trust that my life is being guided.

52:03And it is, it's to help others. Wow. What's the thing you're most proud of that most people want to know about you? Maybe something that's not public or something that people would not assume, but something you're really proud of. I'm really proud that I started Pickleball. Oh man, it's been so fun. It's so fun. Listen, I'm about to be like a champion in Pickleball. Let's go. I was like, I don't know. Yeah, me and you, I'm not quite ready. I know you real good. but I need a little bit more time, but yeah. So pickleball. We got to start doing tournaments together, all that stuff. No, I think I am trying to open myself up just to try new things.

52:36Yes, that's great. You know, so I'm proud of myself for that. I'm proud of myself for, you know, going through all these things, but also trying to still find fun and adventure. I think that's what life's about. You know, you're going to experience sadness and loss and you're going to have to grieve and go through those feelings, but also remembering the gift that we have and have as much fun as we can, right? Yes. It's a gift. Yeah. And we can choose to stay in emotions that aren't enjoyable, that don't create fun and joy for others. Or we can try to live the best we can. I think you're doing a great job.

53:09So I acknowledge you for for everything that you're doing. It's really inspiring. Keep dancing through. I've got a final I've got a couple of few questions for you left. But I want people to get the book. Keep dancing through a boss family groove. Where can they get the book? And how can we be of best support and service to you? I know you've already mentioned you feel a lot of prayers and positivity from people around the world. You know, people getting this book will be a support to you. But how else can we serve and support you, Allison? Oh, that's really sweet. The book right now, as far as where you can find the book, you can find it at Barnes & Noble, Amazon, Target, really anywhere.

53:49It's going to have a lot of reach, which we're really excited about. We want to touch as many people as we can right now through the book. So that's beautiful. And then for my family, I just think kindness. Show a little grace to people. Even if you don't see or understand why they make the choices they do, just have grace. You never know what people are going through. You never know. And so just have a little bit of grace. I love that. I have two final questions for you. this one is called the three truths so it's a hypothetical question scenario okay that i ask everyone towards the end and um you get to imagine that you get to live as long as you want to live okay you'd be as old as you want to be but it's your final day okay on earth hypothetically and you get to create everything from your purpose from now to the rest of your life everything you want to do, it all comes true.

54:46You manifest, you affirm, you experience everything you want to experience. But for whatever reason in this hypothetical question, everything you create has to go with you. So this book is gone. This conversation is no longer here. Anything you share is gone. But you get to leave behind three lessons from your whole life experience, three things you know to be true. And this is all we would have to remember you, Alison, by, or these three lessons that you would share? What would be those three truths for you? Life is a gift, which is interesting because I always say that and you had said that earlier.

55:19Life is a gift. Show up and start. You know, there's interesting, there's something that I learned the other day and it was some people stop when things get hard and then some people start when things get hard. Just start. You know, a lot of people get scared of their talents. They're scared of the first day of work, first day of school, first day of love to get into that relationship. Just start. And then you have to just show up. Because at the end of the day, if you show up, whatever is going to happen is just going to happen. So start and show up. Wow. You know, you just got to do it. I love this.

56:08And life is a gift. Life is a gift. Before I ask the final question, Allison, I want to acknowledge you. Again, I want to acknowledge you for the journey you've been on and how you continue to show up for your life, for your family, your kids, your friends, and most importantly, for yourself. Because I think you showing up for you is a great, being a great role model for everyone in your life and anyone watching you publicly. You having your routine of getting in the cold plunge and playing pickleball and hanging out with your girlfriends and doing fun activities for you and being there for your kids, I think is an amazing representation of what's possible when people go through tragedy like what you've been through.

56:51So I want to acknowledge you for your joy, your love, your positivity, your kindness to so many people, and most importantly, your grace. Your grace for yourself, your grace for people who've maybe said critical things over the last year, your grace for Twitch, your grace for everyone. So I really acknowledge you for how you've shown up. It's really beautiful. Thank you. I appreciate that. Of course, yeah. Thank you. I'm sure we could go on for a long time, but I want to be respectful of your time. My final question is, what is your definition of greatness? Definition of greatness? Such a great question.

57:27My definition of greatness...

57:35how do you show up for yourself? How do you show up? What hard work did you do to make your version of yourself the best? You know, you brought my cold plunging. It's like there are certain things that are non-negotiables for me. I work out almost every single day. I cold plunge almost every single day. I personally like to get in the sauna, so I get in the sauna once a week. They're like these non-negotiables for me to make me the healthiest version, to have the most sound mind. And that to me is what's created my confidence in myself. And it's that dedication. It's that commitment to really bettering who I am so I can show up for the people around me.

58:17But I can't do that until I've done it for myself. So that. All those things. That's beautiful. And one more thing came to my mind. One more question, one more question. Hit me with it. Is there anything you wish people would ask you more that they haven't asked you in this last year? Wow, that's big.

58:48The one thing I think I wish people asked more is who are you now? Who are you now with or without that trauma? Who are you just right now? Instead of having this big expectation or this theory or this made up version or all these things, it's just who are you now? Yeah. Who are you? I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast.

59:38If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcast and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels at Lewis Howes. I really love hearing the feedback from you, and it helps us continue to make the show better. And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter. And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

1:00:13And now it's time to go out there and do something great. Thank you.