Become a MAGNET to Love (Do THIS to Change EVERYTHING Before 2024!) | Dr. Nicole LePera

28:42And what if their partner doesn't want to address it ever, isn't willing to be vulnerable about the past, and doesn't want any help from anyone else? How do they manage that? I think one of the most complicated things is you have two individuals trying to navigate a relationship where we both have our stuff from the past. Because what often happens in those moments when someone's kicking and screaming or detaching, chances are it could be activating mild lived experience, right? So if someone removes themselves, distanced, just like my mom once did, to navigate whatever it is that they're feeling, a difficult conversation that we're having, something not to do with me at all, difficult experience they're having at work or with their family, inherently in their distance, it's going to activate me.

29:28right it's going to bring me right back to in childhood when my mom was emotionally distant or when she was giving me the silent treatment to express her you know disappointment at whatever I was doing in that moment and it's going to then activate the way I deal with it so what happens is we have two people kind of ever kind of cycling through these threat-based responses and neither of them are able to kind of return to that grounded state of presence so the best thing I think that we can do is and I have a lot of tools not only to begin to self-identify which state of nervous system activation you're in so that you can be regulate yourself really helpful and this is outside of even romantic partnerships for your friends for your family members can be really helpful to have the awareness of signs and signals that they're in a state of emotional system or nervous system activation because sometimes when we understand that oh this person is you know, fleeing the room and can't have this conversation right now, not because it's not important to them, but because they're having their own threat-based reaction, that can give us a moment of compassion.

30:34It can maybe give us access to do something differently, not to allow it to activate our own threat response, which is going to perceive it probably differently. Oh, well, they're leaving because this isn't important for me. And then, of course, going back to this idea of co-regulation, the more grounded we're able to remain in those moments and the more open our partners or our loved ones are to co-regulating with us, I mean, we can actually help them calm down from those stressful reactive moments so that then they can shift their focus. They can actually shift the point of the brain that they're operating from and hear us and speak to us and negotiate what's happening in a much more calm and rational way.

31:14But I like to add that point in because sometimes we want to shake our partners and just get them to hear us in this moment where they're a million miles away or they're screaming and yelling. And unfortunately, those aren't the moments where they're going to be able to hear us until they're in a calmer brain state, quite literally. They're not going to be focused on what we're saying. They're going to be locked and loaded in their perspective and their nervous system is going to be locked and loaded in their habitual way that they need to do right then to find the safety there. This is fascinating because people watching or listening typically are the type of people that want to improve their life.

31:49They want to grow. They want to find tools to have more awareness, more personal power, more, you know, progress, all these different things. So I'm assuming people watching and listening might resonate with this.

32:05Why is it so challenging for an individual who has been in a trauma bonded relationship and now they're aware of it, or they're in a family that has maybe had some stagnant behaviors and patterns that doesn't want to grow. Why is it so hard for one individual in a family or a relationship to try to improve and grow and develop new habits and transform themselves and think differently and talk differently and act differently? Why is it so challenging in a family dynamic or an intimate relationship to grow when others aren't willing to grow. While we all are evolving creatures, I mean, I think it's kind of intrinsically what the experience of being human is.

32:51It's a process of evolving, becoming, process of movement. Yet at the same time, our nervous system is wired to prefer the familiar. Simply, we don't like change. While we can change and we can create incredible change and transformation, our nervous system actually prefers to stay the same it finds change and movement very stressful so when faced with change often in ourselves even how to do the work was really around that concept of the resistance and the reason why we're so stuck in these habitual patterns because any time we set the intention to do different and then more so when we follow through with making new choices we do meet that pull back to that familiar through the thoughts in our mind, the discomfort in our body, and before we know it, we're right back in those habitual patterns.

33:39So we struggle to change, even though we can change. Our nervous system prefers us not to. And our relationships equally struggle. When we begin to experience someone anew, or when we're the person making new choices, especially in a family where dynamics and roles have been repeated and practiced and validated for so long, then really like dominoes, right? Here's someone new that's maybe putting a new perspective on the family experience. Might be really difficult to hear, right, a different truth about how it was when we have our own rehearsed story of how the family is or isn't or whatever it is.

34:15More so when someone begins to act in a new way, then chances are there's going to be some impact on that dynamic. Interesting. There's going to be a challenge to the individual identity. Sometimes there's the challenge to the family identity, what we thought we were, now maybe we're not as much. Yeah. And then there's going to be a reorganization of the different roles within the family. So again, it comes down to change. How equipped is each individual in whatever relationship, dyad, or family unit to deal with the stress of change? And as far as I see it, a lot of us who were raised with past generations were not yet equipped.

34:49We didn't have the tools. We didn't have the resources. We didn't have the attuned caretaking in our childhood to learn how to navigate the stress of change. I know you've talked about this before on here, but how did you, for those that didn't hear this in a previous interview, how did you navigate this as you were evolving, changing, growing, developing in your 20s, 30s with your family dynamic? Not in your intimate relationship, although that has evolved and changed as well, but let's start with the family dynamic before we talk about intimate dynamic. Yeah. It was really challenging in my family, coming from a family that was very boundary-less, codependent.

35:25We had a very unified family identity. I was kind of taught growing up that family is everything with this idea of putting family, family needs first, even going back to this concept of selfishness. So all of that was kind of ingrained in my belief system and very dynamically, like I was sharing when we began, showed up in how I showed up or how little I showed up in my relationship. So as I started to become aware and see all of the moments where I wasn't giving myself space and it was glaringly present in my relationship with my family, that I was living actually in quite close physical proximity.

36:01By this point, I had moved home to the Philadelphia area. They were living right outside of Philadelphia. So I had endless opportunity to be at family dinner on Sunday or my mom's, you know, standard doctor's appointment with a lot of health issues that continued with my mom until her old age. So saying that to say there was a lot of the same dynamic happening at home, and I was awakening to the possibility of and necessity for me of creating some more distance of not being endlessly available, of beginning to set new boundaries. And for the better part of several months, I would try. I would try to decline invitations.

36:35I would try to decline phone calls and not be immediately available. And I say try because it was always met with. A running theme in my family was when there was distance, and especially contact, immediately because there was so much health trauma that happened, health concerns and worry and anxiety, the immediate belief or worry would be when someone was out of contact for an unpredictable amount of time, it must be because something terrible happened to them. Interesting. Are they in the hospital? Are they sick? Is something wrong? So there was a history of fear. History of fear. Which would create this...

37:10Hypervigilant monitoring of contact. Interesting. When I didn't call, for instance, on the regular weekly phone call, it was, you know, is everything okay? Just tell me everything's okay. And I would call at a very particular timeframe up until this period of time where I was like, wait a minute you're only doing that right to placate this kind of anxiety cycle you don't actually want to be calling in this moment yes I want to contact with my family but I didn't need to have regular contact every three days to tell them that I was alive right right so saying that to say I tried to put up boundaries to create separation to create distance and space for me to begin to honor what I wanted and needed by this point I was building a practice I was in a committed relationship I had other things that I wanted to be putting my time and attention to.

37:55It was always met with this fear, this worry that would escalate into, I mean, I would get texts like, Jesus Christ, Nicole, just tell us you're okay. You know, we're getting worried. We're going to call hospitals, like endless. So I came to the really difficult decision to make a break and to take, I always kind of start to say, ask for space, but I didn't really ask for space. I more or less told my family that I was going to take space away from the family unit that I would be unavailable for any sort of obligation or, you know, anything that for the foreseeable future. And because I wasn't, I didn't trust myself to communicate to them in person.

38:32I was so afraid that when my mom started to cry or my dad became upset because my mom was upset or my sister was devastated because her and I were very trauma bonded in a codependent relationship trying to navigate my mom's health. I didn't trust myself to stand in my boundary. So I took the opportunity to write a very long email expressing things that I hadn't fully been able to share with them in terms of what I was coming to realize and how things in the past had impacted me and end it with that statement that I was taking time away. And I didn't know how much time I would want to take or need to take, nor did I know how they would react to my request.

39:11I mean, I was very much aware of the possibility that they would be so devastated and hurt that the door wouldn't be open on the other side of it. But at that point, I knew I'm probably from that deeper, intuitive place. My heart was telling me that I did need more space than I was able to create. So it ended up being the better part of, I think, 18 months before I started to, you know, really get curious about what they were where they were at. I had built a lot of self-trust in that 18 months meaning I was getting more confident that I could engage with them again and if the dynamic was exactly as I left it I was gaining more confident that I could continue to maintain my boundaries and to you know live into the relationship dynamic that I wanted regardless of what they were unable or able to do and very gratefully not only did they email me back near immediately they let me know that they had been in family therapy and individual therapy and all the different types of therapy since I had, you know, ended contact with them.

40:09And while it was very devastating, they, on some level, were appreciative of the opportunity that it gave them and us to kind of look at things newly. We re-engaged contact over several family therapy sessions, which felt very safe to me because I wanted to have a contained conversation, not knowing essentially what I was walking into. And I signed online for that first Zoom session. And I saw my mom, my dad, and my sister for the first time in eight months. And we had some difficult conversations and had some future-based conversations where I was able to kind of acknowledge what I wanted and needed in the relationships moving forward and intended to create for us.

40:49And since then, it's just been really a gift in a lot of ways. We've been able to not only reorganize as a family, we've been able to separate. that has actually allowed us to deepen and build deeper, actual, real now. Really? Authentic connections, which has been really beautiful. That's pretty cool. But it's really scary to get to that place, it sounds like, because what some of your family were thinking of like, okay, I'm going to create, I don't know, hyper safety was actually unsafe for you and didn't feel healthy, right? This idea of I want to make sure everything's safe and okay is actually an unhealthy or unsafe feeling.

41:26and so you had to kind of break the cycle which you talk about in the book but that's scary too what if how are they going to react what if they disown me what if they never want to speak to me again how are they going to talk about me to my friends like this idea of being outcasted in a sense is also scary but it sounds like for you you guys were able to come back and create a more meaningful relationship but but i think it's so scary for us to think about whether it's family or friends or intimate partners, like having a boundary that might seem so extreme for a while because you need it to come back to loving yourself the way that you seek that love and then reconnecting with that partner, family or friend, right?

42:08It can be extremely challenging. Oh, it actually, because we're social creatures and we've evolved to connect in groups to physically survive, to emotionally gain the support that we need, any thought of any actual experience of rejection, any imagined rejection or fear of it activates actually the pain center in our brain. So we physically feel pained. And your heart feels this pain too. Clenching. And then so for me, complicating that with my mom increasing in age, having very real health concerns. I mean, in the back of my mind, I was like imagining the possibility that I might not have an opportunity.

42:47Depending on how long I decided to stay disconnected, I was entertaining the possibility that something could have happened to my mom. She could physically die in that period of time, and then how would that be? But my commitment, and at the same time my commitment and that inner knowing that that is what we all needed was so strong that I was able to make that a really, really difficult choice. In terms of relationships, I'm curious, what is the healthiest attachment style that we should be seeking to have? And what is the most common attachment style that most people have in relationships? Yes.

43:23Most people do not have a safe and secure attachment. This feeling of inner safety and security, peace, the ability to be yourself, and the curiosity to allow someone else to be curious of who someone else is, right? Not to be demanding, domineering, manipulative so that they're the person that you need them to be, to actually allow them the space to be themselves, express their wants, express their needs, and just be who they are. Very few of us have that, of course, because we didn't have that in childhood. We didn't learn. Our body, for a lot of us, a lot of this book is about unlearning, peeling back.

43:58All of the definitions of love and relationship we've been taught, all of the embodied ways that we've habitually related to other people so that we could actually teach ourself, not just read a book and be like, oh, this is what a safe and secure attachment looks like. Actually teaching our mind and body how to be safe. Experiencing and feeling it. Experiencing it. Living it, not just analyzing it. And for a lot of us, that living and that practice begins with ourself first. Do I feel safe and secure in who I am? Can I explore my perspectives, whatever they might be? Do I know what they are? Can I explore my emotions?

44:29For decades, my answer was no. You would ask me what I wanted to do for dinner. I couldn't tell you. I didn't know what I even wanted to, how I wanted to spend my time on a Saturday, let alone how I'm feeling, right? So a lot of this reconnection begins with creating space or a practice in our world to introduce ourself. And that was a big reason why I even wrote the workbook, How to Meet Yourself, is because we don't have that connection to us yet. We're not safely and securely connected. I'm a million miles away on my spaceship. Someone else is endlessly distracting through work or achievement, right, or whatever it is.

45:02Or I'm always agitated and erupting at the world around me because of the reality of it is I'm not safe in my body first and foremost. And then when I'm able to be safe in my body, then the byproduct of that often is developing that safe and secure relationship with someone else where they feel calm and grounded. And like someone is interested in valuing them for who they are. and you're able to, like I always say with the clients I would work with in couples therapy, sit next to each other on a couch and envision a future and negotiate, kind of making sure that each of your needs and wants are factored into that.

45:35The large majority of us fall into a more dysfunctional attachment style, whether it's avoidant where you're emotionally shut down. And like me for many years, there's no emotional connection. I'm a little bit more anxious avoidant where there's anxiety around distance and a pursuing pattern. There could be a disorganized attachment. I'm just giving some of the standard ones, but there's many ways. I focus a little less on what box category do I check and a little more on just individually exploring, right? How you show up in relationships and how does it feel for you when you do? It sounds, I mean, I was probably, I don't know, all these attachment styles of the past at one point that were anxious, avoiding, I probably had a doll.

46:19And I attracted certain individuals who also had anxious or avoidant attachment styles too. I never attracted a safe, secure individual. And maybe because I was too insecure to attract that or they would have not attracted me because they would have seen, oh, he's got issues. I don't want that in my life right now if they're safe and secure. but it's interesting you know once I started to create that safety and security within me and it's a constant process and a journey it's not like it's perfect but once I started to do that I started to see others and be like wow this is a healthy person I started to see and be like okay let me explore more about this person so the person I don't know they just got something where like their heart is out of coherence I know what that is because I used to experience that constantly I don't think I want that dysfunction anymore let me lean more into the safe secure and it was unfamiliar when I got into this current relationship with Martha that I'm now engaged to.

47:18And it was unfamiliar, but it felt safe. And I was just like, man, this is different. This is weird. Like it's, you've never experienced this. But do people, have you ever seen people who have an anxious or an avoidant attachment style get in a relationship with someone who is safe and secure? Does that ever happen or is it typically you attract something you have a similarity to or something you're lacking in? I think often you are attracting kind of particular dynamics, though if and when you meet a safe and secure individual, I think often what you'll feel, especially if you are more of the anxious type or the high emotions, you come from a chaotic, stressful childhood typically, you might start to see them as boring.

48:08Right. There's no passion. Is there anything even here? Is it worth continuing? So, I would not say it's that you don't attract them or you can't find your way into meeting a person. I don't think the relationship would be something that you would pursue or would be pursued for very long. And those are typically the languages that... Interesting. ...and how it registers. Oh, there's a passion here. Interesting. Maybe we're just friends, friend zone this person. This is boring or it's not what I'm looking for. And then on to the next. So, what are the different types of relationships? Interdependent?

48:39Is that kind of like what might seem boring when there's like interdependence? Is that, would that categorize that? I think maybe if you're not, if you're in that more chaos cycle, the emotional addiction cycle, that likely could. Though I think the reality of it is maybe there is a little bit of a boring nature when you're living calm and grounded and peaceful. Peaceful and safe and secure. There's no stress and chaos. I think to some extent in the absence of those highs and lows for a lot of us, I do think that even as I too am moving toward a much safe, secure partnership, I do think that we, on some level, that expansive part of our mind is always seeking more or bigger or what's next.

49:23So it's interesting to consider if there is intrinsically a kind of boringness and stability for all of us. For me, it's like what I think about is when I'm on my purpose and I have a vision that I'm excited about, there's going to be challenges and ups and downs when I'm on my vision in my life. And my relationship, I want us to have fun. I want it to be like a safe, fun environment where we can connect about our lives independently and share our lives together. For me, that's exciting. That is like the highs of it, I guess. not making the relationship the battlefield. Your life is like, okay, you've got to go out and hunt or provide or create or make music or art.

50:10That's going to have its ups and downs. Let's make your relationship healthy. Let's make it fun. Let's make it enjoyable. It doesn't have to be so heavy and dark and high at the same time. It's like, out of the house, that's where I find a lot of peace now, is creating and experiencing that. Yeah, that's beautiful. And what you're kind of highlighting in there is the kind of aspect of interdependence that honors the unique individual that has passion, has purpose, you know, has those deeper things that I think we are absolutely driven. And I think, again, this is sometimes where we set up an expectation of relationships that is somehow shared.

50:46I mean, a partner has all the same interest as me or, you know, isn't interested in anything or I don't know what my interests are yet. I think the more we create space for individual, you know, exploration of unique passion and purpose and hobbies and all that comes along with that, and it might be outside of the relationship in some other, you know, realm or some other relationship entirely where you go and pursue whatever your hobby is with other people. I think if we can expand that that is still part of an absolutely healthy relationship, then I do think we create the space for that kind of each person being self-actualized.

51:22Right. But you've had a number of different relationships in your life, you know, from family dynamics to the relationship to yourself to intimate relationships. You know, you had boyfriends in high school. You married a woman. And now you have you've been talking about this new relationship, which. Did you coin this word or someone else? No, it's not. I Googled it. I found it on Google. And so you're now in a new relationship that's extended from your current relationship and a throuple. So there's three of you now. How has what you've learned been put to the test by adding to a current relationship and creating a new relationship?

52:04So as Lolly and I, my first relationship, my longest tenured one, we, her and I are currently married. We've been together for almost a decade. And from the beginning, as we both started to become aware of our past and how that was playing out in all of our past relationships, our shared vision of our relationship for the future was always one of honoring each other and our self-expression and our wants and our needs, both having come from past where that was not the case in our homes and in the relationships we pursued. And did you guys have a codependent relationship to start and then it evolved or how did it start?

52:41Yes, I was absolutely 100 % codependent. She was too, but was more of the kind of anxious avoidant, right? That she liked some aspects of being close, and then there was too close, and then there was she would move far away, which was triggering me. Make you anxious. I got you two. And I would chase after her. So it was this cycle or this kind of endless dance. and so as we both became very aware of our patterns and we're both committed very gratefully on the journey of you know unpacking them peeling back all the onion doing all the nervous system work we continued in our relationship until we crossed paths with jenna jenna is someone that i connected with actually in the community i remember her handle from the very early days interacting with the instagram account and when we decided to open up a membership the day of the membership we actually had a huge tech issue and ended up putting up a story letting members know essentially what was happening and that we would get back to their emails in a timely manner meanwhile behind the scenes we're like oh my gosh we're freaking out uh long story short within seconds of putting up that story jenna pings a dm over and acknowledges that she you know has been seeing what we're doing and celebrating what we're doing and in her own journey has been kind of working and wanting to create a similar community and was available to help if we were to need help in any way.

54:01So that at that point was a no-brainer. Not only did we need help, here was someone through my interactions with her, you know, within the community was feeling like she could be someone that was capable of doing that. Long story short, we jumped on a call. She integrated into the team and became very much an integral part of the circle and the business from the beginning. Flash forward in time, her and I are living, we're living in Venice separately I was with Lali of course she was there and as time progressed spending you know outside of business hours together we started to develop personal feelings for each other though none of it was being spoken of course because I'm in a committed marriage I had no idea that this even type of relationship had a name was possible I probably wouldn't even let myself even think about the possibility because it's just not something right that you do or that you think about.

54:50Though meanwhile, we were starting to notice breakdowns in our communication in terms of our work relationship and moments of conflict and snarky remarks and just upset feelings. So in service actually of the business, we kind of had very direct conversations with each other. We're like, what is going on? Like things were so collaborative and great. Like this business is a number one priority. We need to talk about what's happening. And long story short, after Jenna did some, you know, kind of connecting with her heart, she's always someone that's very driven to be very heart led. She sat both of us down one particular morning and disclosed that from her perspective, one of the things that was creating her own internal conflict that was leaking out is agitation and nitpicking.

55:33And all of this communication breakdown was that fact that she was realizing that she had feelings for both of us. I had obviously no idea how I was even. She's like, I have no idea how you're reacting to this right now when I'm telling you this. My commitment is to the business. This is what I want to be able to continue to move forward. I know this is a big part of what's getting in the way of me and what's coming up for me. I don't know what you're going to make of this, but I just wanted to have this conversation and to honor what it was that is on my heart. and she urged me to take some time knowing that I typically need a minute to process things like that or things in general.

56:07And I took a minute and Lolly and I had a conversation shortly thereafter and were able to acknowledge that beneath the surface for both of us, there was developing feelings and interest. And so no jokes or jokes aside, we literally sat down online. Lolly loves to research things when she's unsure. So she's like pinged in Google, like what three person relationship? Is this possible? And we discovered the word throuple and saw very limited examples of it at that time, though, since I think that there's been a ton more visibility around different types of relationships. So we embarked on it. We were curious.

56:43We followed that curiosity. So I think so much of that journey really symbolizes all of the work in general, the work in the book of really connecting to what the truth in your heart is. Of course, for listeners, It might not be to expand or open a relationship up, but I think there's a million things that our heart tells us in any given day that we don't hear because we're distracted elsewhere, that we override. We're afraid maybe to tell our loved ones what is actually coming up for us. And I do think the byproduct is, you know, discord and conflict and agitation and more so a lack of that heart-based connection.

57:22So what was the thing in your book, in this book, that gave you a tool to be able to navigate this new uncertain experience and relationship that has supported you in having more peace over problems with this new dynamic? All of the work, right? Just remaining committed to me as a participant now with two others. now that I have two people to distract me with from the time I wake up in the morning, right? That doesn't mean that my body and my physical, you know, self is any less important. Of course, introducing another person into a dynamic, you know, adds kind of relational moments of conflict.

58:04Interacting with two different people brings up two different, you know, aspects and sides of me and my self-expression, which can on the one hand be very beautiful and expansive and on the other hand can be very challenging. They both challenge me in different ways and touch different kind of aspects of my older wounding. Interesting. Then I have the, you know, opportunity to view upon their relationship. And of course, there's moments of like comparison and of jealousy and of trying to make their relationship fit into the box that my relationship with each of them does. So from top to bottom, I mean, it's a daily practice of staying committed that I am a separate individual, even though I share my life with two other ones and continuing to be connected with me and my heart so that I can open.

58:48And then there's that complicated aspect. Now I have two people to love me, right, to receive love from. There's still that wounded girl inside that feels so vulnerable asking and opening my heart to someone else to connect with, not used to doing that in childhood. So even though in any moment, right, I have two individuals that are more than willing to show up in support of me, one of which, of both which might be actually energetically available in any given moment. And there's still times where I'm screaming and yelling from the bedroom and not letting them come close to me and then telling them that they don't care.

59:20Really? Because that is so alive for me still where the vulnerability of being seen and of receiving love and support is still unfamiliar in my mind and in my body. It's an ongoing healing journey. The healing doesn't stop, I guess. No, it doesn't. It's interesting. I mean, listen, this is something I'm completely uneducated about. but I'm assuming I've never been in the throuple and I'm assuming I never will but I mean I know that you got a lot of support but you also got a lot of frustration sadness loss you know criticism right and I'm not here to to criticize or judge anything because in history we have seen people of different socioeconomic classes get together and get married when everyone was against marrying or being in a relationship outside of financial class.

1:00:16We've seen that be looked down upon and now more acceptable. We've seen people of different cultures or religious backgrounds not supposed to be together. Now in relationship and marriages, we've seen same-sex relationships that was criticized for so long now more acceptable. In most places around the world, we've seen same different races now coming together, you know, interracial relationships now being more acceptable when 10, 20, 30, 50 years ago weren't as acceptable, right? Or looked down upon or judged or criticized. So I think we got to be open-minded to different styles of relationship dynamics in general, because things that were once looked down upon are now more accepted.

1:01:02And as long as people are finding peace, harmony, breaking cycles, and developing more heart coherence in their relationships, that's for me what matters the most. So I'm inspired by what you're doing. I don't know if I could do it, but I'm inspired that you're allowing yourself to heal. You're trusting your heart. You're leaning into your heart and what you feel is right for you. So I acknowledge you for the journey. Thank you. And I hope you're able to heal throughout all this as well. It's inspiring. But it sounds like, did you get more love or support from your online community since you are a public figure talking about your relationship?

1:01:42Because there's pros and cons to sharing any relationship publicly. And because you're a public figure, how did you navigate that? So the choice even to go public when we did, it was probably more than a year ago now. was really born out of the commitment to be authentic to myself. Because at that time, Jen and I were regularly running the circle together. We had events where one of the events every month is a community check-in where very much we just have a discussion. And oftentimes our current struggles in our own healing journey are coming up or our relationships being a point of that topic.

1:02:17We then were co-hosting a podcast together. So oftentimes, again, in conversation, I was noticing both she and I that we were censoring, right? I had to kind of sub out or not use a particular example because I was with Jenna and, you know, no one necessarily knows that we are in a different type of relationship now. And as the community continues to grow, there's just many more opportunities where I meet community members out publicly where they see me shopping or walking through the airport and come say hi. And oftentimes Jenna's with me. And I was starting to worry that I was gonna, you know, either have to not be, you know, physical with her when we were in public or be physical with her in public.

1:02:58And if people, you know, as they start to see more visibility and compare her to Lolly, and some of them might know what Lolly looks like and that's not her, and then what message does that send? So it was really an exercise in my own authenticity, knowing full well that or being unsure but having an idea that not everyone would be equally as receptive to it. And while it was one of our most unfollowed days on Instagram, We did lose a lot of followers. People did share some of their opinions. And, you know, I welcome anyone's opinions. And if, you know, my content is no longer aligned because of this aspect of my personal relationship, then I can accept that.

1:03:34so much more though was support. Support of people just celebrating the choice to be authentic, even if it was something that was not anything in their own world or realm of possibilities. And then many more that we're supporting because they too were exploring for themselves or living in a more non-traditional relationship. And I think that very globally, like you're saying, the natural tendency is to criticize what we don't understand and ultimately - Resist something that's new. And then ultimately it becomes more common. I think that it is much more common now, different types. Even in monogamous relationships, I hear from a lot of the community that live in different ways, don't share the same bedroom with their partners.

1:04:19Some don't share the same home with their partners. I think that there's a lot more that we're kind of doing uniquely in our relationships that isn't so unique. I even think, too, about just our evolutionary times. And, you know, while there might have been some version of monogamy, I do think that we were kind of wired ancestrally to be more group oriented. I mean, children, babies were raised by the community. It wasn't as structured as like two parents and however many children in one separate home. I think we've really come from a more communal roots and I would be hard to believe that that didn't involve maybe less of a monogamous kind of arrangements too for some so again I think what is happening more so is it's not even necessarily new it's just more visible really old dynamics that are just now coming out in a clearer way that of course as all new things will be challenging before that I do think that in time they will be accepted absolutely yeah it's funny I was uh I was on a trip in Turkey a number of years back and um I met this guy he was he was kind of like showing me around I guess a tour guide and uh just asking him personal questions about his life we were spending a few days together so he was showing me around and I was like are you married he goes yeah I'm very happily married and I go is your wife here or what's the deal she goes he goes no she lives in the United States and I go really how does that work long distance, different countries.

1:05:48She goes, this is why it works for us because I'll spend three months with her and I'll spend three months away. And it's why it's amazing. So it's just, you know, and I was like, I don't know if I could be that long away from someone, but for them, it seemed to work. So it's just like, okay, whatever works for you to bring you the most joy, the most peace, the most love. And, um, I welcome it. So as long as you're not hurting me or anyone else in the process, then it's all good to go. This book, how to be the love you seek, break cycles, find peace, and heal your relationships is extremely powerful.

1:06:20Make sure you guys check this out. Again, lots of useful tools, research, science to support you. I am all for love and peace and healing. And I see the benefits of my life. The more I tap into those things, the more I deepen my relationship with self and self-love, not in a selfish way, but in a selfless way to myself because then I'm able to have more energy and make better decisions, be kinder and more compassionate to others, intimately, friends and strangers. So how to be the love you seek. Make sure you guys get a copy, break cycles, find peace, heal your relationships. It's not going to be easy to do these things, but I'm telling you it's worth it.

1:07:05Where can we connect and follow with you beyond the book, Nicole? Absolutely. At this point, I have a presence on pretty much all of the social media platform. Of course, it all began on the Instagram account, the.holistic.psychologist, though there is a Threads account now, a TikTok account. Twitter. Twitter accounts. You're all over the place. All over the place. YouTube, podcast. Yeah, I'm going to say there's a YouTube channel that I'll be dropping some new video content so soon, the Holistic Psychologist. I also have a book webpage up, howtobeteloveyouseek.com for any information on book retailers and book tour opportunities as they become available.

1:07:43I'm glad you're starting to do more events. So make sure you go follow her, go online, see where your events are, say hi to you live. You're getting more courage to be out there and doing bigger events. So we've got to get you doing more of those. Nicole appreciates you for always showing up for always being in service and really acknowledge you for Making sure over these last 10 years you're showing up more for your authentic self and you're healing the parts of you That didn't used to be seen And you're allowing yourself to be seen in new ways. I know that's big for you. So I acknowledge you for the entire journey I'm proud of you for this book.

1:08:18It's so inspiring And thank you so much for being here. I appreciate it I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review.

1:08:52I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.