Break Free from Self-Sabotage & Find Lasting Love TODAY | Marisa Peer

27:19It takes work. It takes balance, but it's very, very possible. The problem is the mind is like a missile. It wants to go there, but it keeps going there if it doesn't really know what you want. I want love, but it would kill me to be rejected. I want success, but am I really going to give up all the things I love to be successful? So you've got to really identify what you want to manifest anything. You have to want it. And I think people have got very confused. They go, sit on the chair and manifest a great guy, well, unless that's the Amazon delivery guy, that's just not going to work. I want a great body, but I'm not going to do anything.

28:02So to be a manifester, you have to do three things and you have to do all three. The first is the easy one, or maybe not easy. You have to decide you are worth it. I'm worthy of love. I'm worthy of a phenomenal relationship. I'm worthy of success. Even I'm worthy of wealth or health, I'm worth it. And that probably is at least 80 % of manifesting. And many people manifest with a thought, not really worthy. Really? I'm going to find love, but they're going to leave me. I'm going to find wealth, but I don't know how I'm going to keep it. I'm going to have a great job, but it's going to kill me working those hours.

28:42So your first thought must be, I'm worth it. But then there's a second part, which is, what does it look like? And maybe I'm going to be a millionaire. For what? I don't know. I want a great person. What are they like? I don't know. They've got a nice six-pack and drive a nice car. So the second part is you must really know what does it look like? If you don't know what it looks like, how are you going to go after it? The mind will go after something it is clear about. So you might say, I want a really flat stomach. What does that look like? Well, it looks like not eating so many carbs, not eating late at night, going to the gym.

29:19And if you know what it looks like and you believe you're worth it, you'll have it. But then the third part is after you've decided you're worth it and you know what it looks like, what are you going to do? Because if you really want a six pack, you might have to do 300 sit-ups a day. And if you're not prepared to do that, you don't want it enough. So I could say I wanted to write a book. Did I feel I was worth it? Yeah, I had to work on myself. I go, you know, I got a message and I think I can, people tell me I really help them. They tell me I changed their lives. So I'm worth putting that in a book.

29:55What does it look like? Well, it looks like, gonna have to, what does this book look, what's it gonna be about? What's the story like? What am I gonna call it? Who is my audience? Am I gonna write what I wanna write? What people want to hear? So I had to know who is my market. And then here's the third part. I gotta sit down and write that book. And it takes a long time to write a book. And when you've written it, it takes even longer, as you know, to do all the press, all the pieces of the magazine. So you can't have one of the two or two of the two. And let's say, I want love. I've got to believe I'm really worthy of love.

30:34I've got to really nail it. And I am worthy of love. I deserve to love someone who loves me back. What does that look like? I better get a clear idea of the kind of person I want in my life. And then when I look at it, where am I going to find it? I'm not going to find it watching Netflix. And a lot of people say, yeah, I go to yoga, but there's no men in yoga. I go to women's reading groups. Where's the guy? You know, you have to go to the weight room. And the same thing with guys, you know, you're not going to find someone in a bar, but you might find them dog walking. You might find them in an IT class.

31:09So you have to be very clear about, I'm worth it, I know what it looks like, and what am I going to do to get it? Because I think so many people think manifesting is thinking about what you want and sitting on the couch and it's going to turn up, but you have to get out of the house. If you believe you are lovable and know the kind of person you want and put yourself in front of them, you'll probably go home with them for good, but you can't just do one of the two, two of the two. You've got to do all three. Yeah, and one of the things I love to do with the action steps, it can seem like if you're trying to lose 50 or 100 pounds, it can seem like, man, I have to work this hard for a year in order to accomplish this, and you just did a hard workout for the first week, and you're exhausted.

31:55You're like, I don't know how I'm going to be able to do this. I think if you just really think, I just have to do this one day. Yeah. I just got to show up today, and I'm going to do this seven days in a row, and celebrate the week, and then do another week. and over time that's going to really start paying off. What do you think about, I love the idea of deciding you're worth it and worth having what you want and that you're worthy of what you want. If you haven't learned to heal whatever is a past trauma in your life, are you going to be able to fully manifest without healing as well or is deciding you're worth it start the healing process?

32:31See, if you think you're not worth it, you'll get rid of it. I mean, I've worked, you probably know that 70 % of lottery winners are bankrupt in three years. Why? Because they don't feel they're worth it. They didn't work for it. They didn't have, I'm worth this money. What does it look like to have all this money? What could I do with it that's so good? They just think, wow, I've got all this money. And what's familiar if you just have a job that doesn't pay a lot is spending the money until it runs out and then next week you get more. And so if you don't feel you're worth it, self-sabotage, procrastination, and nothing more than a fear of not being enough.

33:12And so you stop yourself getting there. So if you believe you're not worth it and you find love, you find money, you find wealth, you'll get rid of it. And we see that with Amy Winehouse, with Whitney Houston. We see it over and over again. We saw it with George Michael. I always think of him every Christmas because he had so much except the belief I'm worth it. And so if you don't do step one first, which is just decide every day I'm worth love. I deserve love. I'm worthy of love. Because after all, how could you not be worthy of love? Everyone is worthy of love. So if you don't do that and you just do the other two, what does it look like?

33:54I'll go and get it. It's never going to feel enough. But you'll get rid of it. You see people all the time who say, I know what's wrong with me. I remember Sandra Bullock's husband saying, what did I do? I had this beautiful girl and I messed it up. Well, of course you messed it up because you never felt you were worthy of it in the first place. So everything else you're going to do to get what you want, if you don't do the first step first, wire in that you're worthy. you'll spend a lot of time getting rid of it, ruining it, destroying it, acting out, sabotaging yourself. Are we able to believe we're worthy if we haven't started to heal though?

34:34Is it, you know, can we just say, okay, I'm worthy even though my parents abandoned me and I've, you know, lost every relationship I've been in. You know, how do we bridge the gap from starting to tell ourselves a better lie, knowing we're worthy and healing? You know, that's such a great question because you have and often in the book I invite you to go back to imagine any little baby that's just been born they never go don't look at me I've got milk spots I've got these triple thighs I've got a huge tummy I haven't got any clothes on you know when I had a baby and I take her out in the store we would come and look at her and she'd smile her big gummy smile and kick her little legs with her triple knees and it never occurred to her that she wasn't the most gorgeous thing in the world you know when you got I remember that picture of you with your cat you just got it And it was on your chest going, oh, Lewis, you just want to love me because I'm lovable.

35:24So the good news is every person is born believing they're lovable. We know we're lovable as a child because we demand attention, we demand feeding. You know, you can take in a random pet, but it will come up and wrap its legs around you when it wants to be fed. It doesn't run behind the fridge and never comes out because it believes it's worthy. So the good news is you are born certain that you are lovable, convinced you're lovable and then it gets chipped away and then you begin to buy, I'm not worthy, I don't have a great education, I don't have a six-pack, I'm not a 10, I come from a family, I never had a dad, my mom was always drinking.

36:06And now you're justifying why you're not lovable. But the thing is you need to go right back to the beginning. You were born and certain that you were lovable. So you have to reactivate what's in you that's become buried, but you do have to heal it. And I think we think, oh, healing is so long. What does that involve? I've got to play this meditation tape every day and spend hours massaging my own body or looking in the mirror. And actually, healing is actually making a decision to think better thoughts. No matter where you are in your life, thought comes first your thoughts create your feelings which create your actions which create your behaviors and even your belief is nothing more than a thought you think a lot and i think we think it's oh i've got to change all the can you say it one more time thoughts thoughts always come first your thoughts create your feelings your feelings create your behaviors and your and then you have to think about actions which you justify, they go, it's like a loop.

37:09I think I'm not worthy of love. And that makes me feel very sad and defeated and probably angry and resentful. And if I think that thought and feel that feeling now, I act out, I'm difficult, or maybe I'm very needy or very pleasing, but I justify it because I've gone back to the thought, I'm not lovable. But if I change the thought, I'm lovable. Of course I'm lovable. even if I don't believe it, if I keep thinking the thought, well, I feel very different. I feel optimistic. I feel reassured. I feel quite confident. I feel certain someone's going to love me. And now I behave differently. I take risks.

37:46I look people in the eye. I speak to them. My actions are different. And I justify them by going back to the thought. I'm lovable. So we're so busy changing the behaviors and the actions and the feelings when all you have to change is the thought. You know, it's hard to heal what you don't understand. But healing is just saying, I came from a crazy family. I came from a place with no money. I didn't get a great college degree. However, I am worthy of everything I want. I can have everything I want with bells on. So if you just change the thought, which always comes first, everything else will take care of itself.

38:30And you know, you own your thoughts. You have every right to change and we think a thought and then we start to make that thought. Then we have this confirmation bias. If I think dogs are horrible yappy creatures that attack you, if I think that thought, I feel anxious around dogs and you can believe the dog is going to pick up my anxiety and it's going to be yappy. Yeah. And it doesn't like me and now I've got confirmation. You see, I told you dogs, a yappy, snappy, bitey things. Look what just happened. Babies don't like me. If I hold them, they go rigid. I always get dumped. Everything goes wrong.

39:09I can never keep a job for more than six months. When you think that thought, and you believe that thought, you begin to look for a confirmation bias of how that thought is real. The confirmation bias can be very good. I think I'm lovable. And I'm going to look for, yeah, well, my grandmother loved me. My first boyfriend said I was amazing. My teacher said something good. So you have to make confirmation buzzwork. Think a better thought. Start looking for examples of how it's true because whatever you look for, you will find. Whatever you look for, you move towards what you already believe. You get more of what you already believe.

39:53So you've got to think a thought and then start looking for proof. And even if you can find hardly any, it doesn't matter. Still do it and then it becomes true. What about people that say, well, how do I know my thoughts come from me? How do I know they're not coming from somewhere else? But it doesn't matter where they come from. That's not important. What's important is let's change them. So if your thoughts are coming at you or coming from you and they were negative, it doesn't matter where they come from. It only matters. you think, I'm not going to think this thought. You know, you can choose to be negative or positive, but you can't choose what it does to your body when you think negative thoughts.

40:33What does it do to your body when you think negative? Well, it creates a lot of cortisol, which creates inflammation, which is a precursor to many diseases. It makes you anxious. It makes you suffer with things like insomnia. It affects your digestion. It affects, can even affect your metabolism. It affects your ability to have joy and happiness on the planet. So your thoughts are yours to change. And yes, you can pick up other people's thoughts. You know, I've often gone back to London, got in a cab, they go, oh, this country's a write-off. Look at the weather. And I just, so I've got to take a call.

41:10And I just shut the intercom because I think I don't want to let that in. I can't let in negative thoughts. I mean, they're around me. and sometimes I'll be in a position where I'm hearing really negative. I can't hear that. I can't let that in. It's fascinating because my dad used to, you know, one of our first episodes we ever did, I think the title was Your Thoughts Will Heal You or Kill You. Yeah. And it was one of our most popular episodes. I recommend people go listen to it or watch it. And I think I might have told you then that my dad would always turn the commercials off when there would be some type of drug campaign or if you're feeling sick, you need to buy this.

41:50He would always mute or turn the channel. Constantly turning the channel because he was like, I don't want your mind to be consumed with these negative thoughts. And it's something I've practiced most of my life. I mean, I'm not perfect, but I don't watch the news still today. In the beginning of the pandemic, I remember watching it for like a month because just like everything was happening. And I just said, why am I consuming this? I can get information and be educated on what's actually happening in the world and be aware and be cautious of what I need to be cautious of. But the constant rumination of these negative thoughts are not supporting my mind.

42:31They're not supporting my body and they're not supporting my actions if I'm going to be living in a fear-based state of mind and behavior. So I said, okay, I want to be educated and informed. So I'll get the updated information, but I'm not going to get it in this hysterical storytelling, you know, mass media of the worst of the worst. I'm going to get it written down of here's the data, here's the facts, be aware, be cautious, but not allow these thoughts to be consumed inside of me. And I think that's really helped me over these last two years just stay focused on how can I take care of myself?

43:05How can I show up in a loving way? You know, how can I continue to serve my team, my community, my audience, and not be crippled by these thoughts? Yeah. And it's been a, you know, a great practice that I had as a child that's helped me now as an adult. But I see so many people consumed by these, the media in the negative way or taking it in too much and then holding on to that fear. Yeah, and it's funny because when COVID hit, I was in England just moving to America. And I remember thinking, oh, I don't have any medicine in America. And I thought, and I went to buy some and everything had sold out.

43:42And I thought, well, what am I doing if I buy all this medicine? Am I planning to get ill? And I had a real dilemma. Should I buy all this stuff and ship it out to America? If I'm buying all this stuff, all these cold remedies, am I planning to get cold? Eventually I thought, you know what, I'm going to buy them for other people. I'm going to buy them for when I have visitors in my house. They need a bit of LEMSIP, but I don't need it. And sometimes you have to really stop and think, you know, what am I doing? I'm buying antacids. I'm buying anti-sickness stuff to go on the plane. I'm carrying pepper spray or bear spray on my key ring.

44:18What am I doing here? Am I planning to get attacked? And I think it's okay to have that on your key ring. Be prepared. But don't expect, oh, I need this. that something terrible is going to happen. You know, I lock my door and I'd have put on an alarm, but I don't stress about it too much. So, but you are right. We sometimes think the most, I'm going to get sick. It's flu season. It's allergy season. It's hay fever season. It's headache season. I know when I have a kid, it will scream all night. I know when I have a kid, I'll get really fat and you never get rid of the weight. I know when I meet someone, it's not going to work.

44:58We really have to remember you have the power to make that thought real. But guess what? You also have the power to reverse it. This relationship is going to last forever. I'm going to be a great mom. I've got a great immune system. My body deals with germs every single day. So it really is a choice to just look at your thoughts, update them the way you update your software, upgrade them. But so many of us don't even know what we're thinking. I need coffee to cope. I need caffeine to get up in the morning. I need pills to go to sleep at night. Well, actually you don't, but if you think that thought, you're going to confirm it and make it real sleep, will come to you wherever you are.

45:47Your body will cope very well with that caffeine. You're not going to gain a pound looking at pizza. And you do know what full is, and you can stop eating. But so many of us have been so influenced by the media. You know, in America, every third advert is for drugs, for medicine. Because it's saying you need this. And the same thing for Happy Meals. You need this. No, you don't need any of that. You need to think better thoughts. Well, what about people with low self-esteem or low confidence? Where do you think that the root of that comes from? and how can we start to overcome that self-doubt, low self-esteem, low confidence?

46:26Yeah, well, again, I've never met a baby that was born with low self-esteem. No baby says, I'm just not going to try to crawl. It's too difficult. I can't get that food in my mouth. I'll give up. I can't quite hit the toilet. I just stop bothering. So the good thing about that is you were not born with it. Even if you had a horrible beginning and your parents gave you up for adoption and didn't want you. You know, one of my friends went to Russia to get a little boy and he said it was so funny, so I walked in the office and he ran up and he clung to my legs. And he said, when we left, I said, say goodbye, and he just looked at me and said, I'm not looking back there.

47:01Even as a baby, he knew. And when I picked him up to leave when I got the adoption, he wouldn't look back, he wouldn't wave. He said, I'm going that way with you and that's all behind me now. And he's an amazing kid, the boy he adopted, because he had a sense of, you know, where he is. And he said one day, I said, I'm so glad I found you. He said, yeah, I'm glad we found each other. So he's already got that sense of we found each other. I found you, but you also found me, and we helped each other. So with self-esteem, there is nothing on the planet that will build that faster than your own praise.

47:40We often think, well, I need to lose 10 pounds get a six pack, update my wardrobe. It's like that Bruce Springs and I want to change my face, my thoughts, my job. Do you remember that song by Bruce? You want to change your thoughts. That's all you ever need to change. And the thing that will raise and build your self-esteem is praise. There is nothing, no shoes, no cookies, no candy, no sex, no drugs, no alcohol, nothing that will build your self-esteem like praise. And if you knew that to be true, and it is true, then all you have to do is practice saying, I like myself. I'm a good person. I've got something to offer the world.

48:23I'm kind, I'm nice, I'm fascinating, I'm interesting, I'm compelling. You can make it as dramatic as you like. I'm magnetically lovable. Or just, I've got a good heart. I'm an interesting person. People like me. So if you knew that the one thing that could build your praise was free, was immediate, and was in you, why wouldn't you use it? And I talk a lot in the book about exactly how to do that. Wow. Again, the cheerleader, the self-confidence. People get very confused. I don't even know. What is self-love? Is that rubbing cream on myself, having a little sex aid? What is self-love? No, it's not that.

49:05is looking in the mirror and saying, I'm nice. And the way to know if you love yourself is really three things. And the big one is how do you talk to you? Do you say, I'm an idiot, I've got rocks for brains, look at the state of me, I knew I'd messed that up. Self-love is being kind. So the way you talk to yourself, the way you dialogue with you is the big key to self-love. So if someone said to me, oh my God, you messed that up, you idiot. I go, no, I made a mistake, but I learned from it. If someone said to me, oh, yeah, I hate that book. I say, well, let me give you your money back. I'm sorry you didn't like it.

49:45I think it's a great book, but I'm happy to refund you because I'm not going to let them make me believe. Someone said, I hate your book. I would go, my God, they hated my book. I go, well, they didn't like it. I like it. So I will always talk to myself. Well, almost all the time.

50:03You The second way of knowing how you love yourself is, how do you treat yourself? Do you eat well? Do you hydrate? Do you get some people, do you lie on the sofa eating potato chips, staying up all night watching Netflix, and knowing you're going to get up at eight and you're still watching something at 4 a.m. because that's not love. People say to me, I love food. I'm like, no. Loving pizza and beer is not love, it's abuse. Punishing workouts, that's not love, that's abuse. Starving yourself and eating celery juice or drinking Diet Coke, that's not love, it's abuse. And the only way to have a body you love is to actually start by loving the one you have.

50:47So love is, do I really want to eat donuts and Pop-Tarts and soda first thing in the morning? Would I give that to a baby? Would I give that to my pet? So how do you talk to yourself first? How do you treat yourself second? And once you get into, oh, I'm going to love myself, you won't eat doughnuts for breakfast and lots and lots of takeouts for dinner because you'll think that's not love, it's abuse. The whole dieting industry is based on abuse. Hate your body so much that you starve it, make it do the plank when you're not in the mood, force it to go running in the rain, and then go, I hate my legs, I hate my stomach.

51:27And then the third part is, how do you let other people treat you? Ooh, that's a big one. Do you let them put you down? Do you lend them money when you can't afford it? Do you go out of your way to give them a lift? Are you a real people pleaser? If you get the first one right, the other two will click into place anyway. But again, you're back into that. I'm trying to buy your love. I'm trying to earn your affection. I'm trying to make you like me. And people like you when you like you enough to say, oh this doesn't suit me no I don't really I can't have your kids all weekend while you go to Burning Man it just isn't convenient you don't and the other thing about it is don't keep saying sorry sorry I'm late sorry I'm sick say thank you thank you for waiting for me thanks for being such a great friend thanks for helping me out now sorry I'm such a burden I'm sorry I know I'm a pain so when you get to understand what self-love looks like and I dialogue with self very nicely I treat myself on the whole I can have pizza and ice cream but I don't need to have four tubs because I'm practicing self-love I love a bit of cake but I don't need the whole cake and now that I love myself when you say something mean I can go oh I'm not going to let that in wow that's not very loving and it all sounds hard it's actually incredibly easy when we are people pleasers and we let other people do things that necessarily we don't want to do yeah we end up doing it because we don't want to let someone down or we want someone upset at us and then we resent yeah we did the thing yeah what is this thing about us when we are people pleasing you're putting yourself last and everyone else first and it doesn't mean you should put yourself first but you should not put yourself last.

53:16I mean, it's fine if you want to drive to the airport and pick someone up at 4am because you love them. That's perfectly okay. It's fine to lend someone money, to lend someone your car. But if you're doing it to make them like you, you don't really want to do it, you put them first and you last. And it really helps to go, okay, is this love or abuse? I'm lending people my stuff when I can't afford to. I'm giving people my things. I'm giving them my time, my money, my energy when I haven't got it to give. So that's not love, it's abuse. And if you can look at things, is that love or abuse? And always come at love, it becomes much, much easier to get it right.

53:59Yeah. In the book, there's a chapter in here where you're talking about how some people will trade one negative addiction for a more socially acceptable positive addiction yeah they'll stop drinking alcohol but then they're having you know 10 cokes a day or something they'll stop doing something else unhealthy but then they'll be working out three hours in the gym you talk about yeah a day and they trade one negative addiction for a different addiction which seems to be more positive but is also abusive in its own way why do why do certain people trade one addiction for another and how could they actually sit with the time and the energy and the conversations, the thoughts of the anxiety or the stress that they're having and just not be addicted anymore?

54:51Well, again, you've got to go back to that ladder of looping thoughts. What's the thought that runs an addiction? It's always the same, I'm not enough. I'm not enough is going to be behind every addiction. Because if you're not enough, guess what you need? More. I need more food, more alcohol, more drugs, more sex, more shopping, more Netflix. And many, many addicts try to change the behavior. I'm not going to go to the bar. I'm not going to go to the ice cream shop. I'm going to avoid that situation. So I'm trying to change the behavior. But you have to go back and change the thought. And there's someone called Ryan in the book.

55:32I think it's the second chapter. And that is a classic story of alcoholism. Ryan, bless his heart, because he's a lovely person, was an addict, alcohol and drugs, was also addicted to people that hurt him in relationships. And he'd been to rehab over and over again to change the behavior. And by the way, in rehab, they have cupboards full of candy. Don't drink, eat chocolate, eat more chocolate, eat more stuff, because they're just switching one addiction for another. And many ex-addicts, I'm addicted to food, I'm addicted to shopping, I'm addicted to praise. And because you're still treating the behavior, the thought creates the feeling that creates the behavior.

56:16I've worked with thousands and thousands of addicts, I've never met one ever who ever felt they're enough. And when you go back to that, whenever you think you're not enough, you will need more of something. When you know you are enough, you don't need cake. After all, one donut might be okay, why would you want six? Why would you need three pizzas followed by a beer? Why would you need a whole bottle of wine if one could make you feel good? If one purse or pair of shoes could make you feel good, why have you got a closet full of them? Clearly it isn't working. But with addiction, if you try to treat the behavior and only the behavior, you just swap behaviors.

56:58So we have to go back to the thought first. You have to go back to the thought. Thought comes before behaviors. Thought causes actions. If you just change the thought, I worked with many alcoholics who stopped drinking like Ryan in one session because he went back to look at the thought. So, well, let's change that. And many people say, no, it's amazing. I stopped drinking, stopped binging, stopped using because I suddenly realized, oh, it was a thought I was thinking that caused me so much pain. And the thought wasn't even true. Is it possible to change the thought that quickly? If, let's say, you're 40 years old, you've been addicted for 20 years and you've kind of had this emotional, I guess, trauma trapped in your body and in your mind on a repeat for decades.

57:49Is it possible to change it that quickly? Or does it usually take a few months? The more, I guess, embedded this is in your system? It just depends. You can change a thought in 21 seconds. Is it 21 days, 21 hours? It can be 21 seconds. It depends on you. Some people change thoughts instantly. They learn something new. It's like suddenly you realize that Father Christmas isn't real. and everything changes and it's not hard work or you realize that there is no tooth fairy there is no scary monster maybe you even realize there isn't hell so you can be instant but it doesn't matter if it isn't you know you can change three ways immediate change all on that oh i changed my thinking you know it's a bit like someone saying i thought that person loved me and then someone woke me up and said you know that's not love that's abuse like saying oh i I thought I was doing the right thing by hating my body and it's not changing.

58:51But then I realized everything I thought was love is abuse. So I'm going to do yoga, not running. I'm not going to eat diet food. I'm going to love my body with proper food. It can be an instant thought, like for instance, my friends went into an abattoir, came out and said, that's it. I could never eat meat again. In that instant, everything changed. If you ate, I don't know, oysters were violently sick, that change you can never eat them again because you've linked pain to it anything you're over the toilet bringing everything oh no never again never again never again and it's growing up from alcohol the night before it's not even work you just go no I can't do that again so you can change instantly and that's always the best kind but there's also a second change which is cumulative it means bit by bit you think oh when did I last scream at my kids when did I last have that tension and headache, I'm noticing it's getting better.

59:47And then the third change is called retroactive, when you don't even know you've changed, and someone says, wow, look at you. Or your partner says, gosh, you're so much calmer. Someone says, wow, Lewis, you're looking great. So instant change, cumulative change, retroactive change. But it doesn't matter which change you get because you are changing in the same way that some people have 10 driving lessons, pass their test, that's it. Other people have 100 lessons and finally pass their test, but you're equal on the road. So how many changes you're thinking, well, my friend did that diet and lost 50 pounds and I didn't, I guess I'm a failure.

1:00:27My friend did that workout and got a six pack. I didn't, my friend did that and it changed a lot. It didn't work for me. And the saddest thing is we don't blame the program, we blame ourselves. I guess I'm just a failure. So don't compare your change to other people. Some people change really fast and other people don't. Some people pick up a language really fast. Other people don't. That's not important. Don't blame yourself. Don't shame yourself either. No, don't blame yourself. Don't shame yourself. Again, that's abuse, isn't it? Everything you're doing that's abusive, turn it around to being more loving.

1:01:04I made a mistake. I forgot something. I was mean to my kids today. I lost it. I ended up eating three Kit Kats because I didn't go out for lunch, but I could remember next time to have some nuts in my bag or to take something with me. I shouted at my kids because I hadn't eaten and I was so stressed and I realized I could have taken a deep breath. So don't, you know, you can only learn by making a mistake, but it doesn't matter how long it takes. It's like saying, how long does it take to climb a mountain? I don't know, but when you get to the top, the view is the same for everyone, And whether you sprinted up there or went a very slow crawl, everyone has the same view.

1:01:45You said there were a couple points to addiction, the first one being I'm not enough. Was there a couple more points to kind of the root of addiction? Well, any addiction is classified as something that moves you away from a bad behavior to a good one. People can be addicted to exercise. They can be addicted to orgasms. But it's anything that moves you away from something bad to something good that you can't stop, that starts to run you. And people think addicts are really cold and mean, but addicts are often very fragile, deeply sensitive. So if we look at the Jimi Hendrix and David Bowie and Prince and Michael Jackson, people are addicted to pain pills.

1:02:25They often are very fragile. Amy Winehouse, even Whitney, very sensitive, fragile creatures that the world is very hard on. And if you're an addict in any way, you have to realize that addicts are very creative. If you say to Anthony Hopkins, hey, Anthony, can you play a psychopath? He can see that and play it and terrify everyone. If you say to Amy, hey, Amy, could you write about pain? She could knock out Back to Black in five minutes because they're so creative. And if you're creative, you are receptive to suggestions, which is your biggest gift and your biggest downfall. because you go, I didn't think that was very good.

1:03:06I thought someone else wrote much better. So addicts are very sensitive, often highly creative. They find the real world very hard, and they need support and kindness. That's not easy when you have an 18-year-old kid who's stealing from you to buy drugs, but sending them to rehab where they're told you're trying to kill yourself is often not the case. They're often trying to stay alive, and it's hard to be kind. Right. But it's the only thing that works with addicts, going back and saying, look, not what's wrong with you, but what happened to you? When did you decide you don't matter? When did you decide you were worthless?

1:03:46What happened to make you believe you're not enough? And I've worked with many 17-year-old addicts who say, well, I didn't have a dad. My dad left when I was one. He never saw me. He's got another kid he loves more than me, and I'm nothing. I go, but that's not true. Your dad is an idiot. I'm sorry I have an idiot for a dad, but your dad not seeing you has nothing to do with your greatness and your gifts. And, but it's hard for children because their worth is, who loves me? Am I lovable? And if no one loves you, how can you believe you're lovable? As you get older, you think, well, I got to start.

1:04:21If nobody loves me and I'm allowing myself to believe I'm not lovable, maybe I could reverse that and go, I am lovable. I am, I am, I am. even if I think it's silly, because you're changing the thought. And we know that our thoughts radiate from us, like a magnet, people that pick our thinking. You know, if you, I was at a ranch last week, working with horses, and if the horse thinks you like it, you know, you go and you have to lie on it, so you touch where all its organs are, its stomach, and first the horse will tune into your breathing, actually tunes into your smell, and if it goes, oh, you like me and I'm safe, it will let you hold it but if you're nervous and anxious the horse will pull away but people are no different we tune into someone else's thoughts we tune into other people's beliefs much more than we tune into their actions so change your thoughts because it won't just change how you feel about you or change how everyone else feels about you right because if your thoughts are going to create feelings and emotions within you your body language is going to change based on your thoughts Of course.

1:05:28And people are going to pick up that energy around you. Yeah. And what I'm hearing you say, people who are addicted, their number one thought is, I'm not enough. Yeah. And so they need to go back to the beginning of reversing that lie and changing that thought. Yeah. Yeah. And like with Ryan, it doesn't take forever. It can take an hour. It can take half an hour. It takes you, because I remember saying to Ryan, you know, you think you're a broken person, but you're not. You're a person who has some broken experiences. You think you're flawed. The truth is you had flawed parenting, but you're not flawed.

1:06:01You're not a machine that's broken. You're a person who's had some broken events, but it doesn't mean you're broken. We go a lot into I Am Enough as well, your other book, which I really loved as well. I want to get into relationships here in a moment. But if you're watching this, listening to this right now, make sure you guys check out this book. Tell yourself a better lie. I'll have it all linked up below on the YouTube video and on the podcast as well. Make sure you get this. And I am enough if you feel like you're not enough. I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness.

1:06:36Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast. If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels at Lewis Howes. I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better. And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

1:07:20And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.