Everything We’ve Learned About LOVE (Live Audience Q&A + A SURPRISE!) | Martha Higareda

25:49We've done so many different things together, which has been really cool. But one of the things that we talked about before we got, you know, committed to one another, we spent many months together, so much time together before we got committed. I made a conscious decision, and I think you did as well, that we were going to choose to accept the person for who they were in that moment and what we've experienced. And saying, okay, if this is who you are, I choose to accept you. It doesn't mean I'm not going to get frustrated or have some aggravations here and there, but choosing to accept and love you for this person that I'm experiencing and let stuff go.

26:26Like, just not let other things affect me. That takes a lot of work for me to continue to grow and a lot of work for you to continue to grow to accept one another. So it's been, but having that and feeling like I can be 100 % who I am is the greatest peace and freedom I've ever experienced in my life. Me too for me. And I'm sure for you. Like I told her before this day, I said, listen, if we're going to choose to commit to one another, I said, I'm never going to get angry at you. And I don't think I have. Maybe I've gotten a little frustrated, but I haven't gotten angry at you in over two years.

27:02I mean, call me out if I am. No, you haven't. I've gotten maybe frustrated, or I've been tired, or I've been, you know, whatever, not my best self, but I'm not getting angry at you. And hopefully I never do get angry at you, but I made that commitment. I was like, I am going to accept you. You know, as long as we're living into the agreements that we've agreed to with flexibility, with, you know, patience, then I should have no reason to be angry at you because I've gotten to know you up to this point of who you are. I've seen so much of you, probably 90 % of your personality I got to witness in multiple months of tons of time and trips and traveling and all these things we went to.

27:40I was like, okay, I've seen a lot of your personality. Obviously, I don't know everything about you, but we knew a lot about each other. And I was like, okay, if this is who you are, then there's no reason for me to get angry. Unless you start not acting this way and you act like a completely different person yeah I'm going to accept you and never get angry at you because there's no reason for me to and hopefully that makes you feel at peace because it makes me feel very at peace and I know and I said and that's my one thing I need you to accept and love me because if I'm gonna give that to you I don't want someone getting angry at me or reactive or frustrated it doesn't work for me yeah and so it was a mutual agreement and understanding from the beginning.

28:22And again, I was like, it doesn't mean you can't be frustrated or let down or sad or disappointed. You can have emotions and feel things, but lashing out on me doesn't make sense if we're trying to create a value system of conscious relationship. For me, it didn't make sense, because I'd had that so many times in the past, and I didn't like it. So I'd rather be alone and single and peace in my own space than be on eggshells wondering, when is someone gonna be unhappy with me or react to me or whatever. And so it's been a beautiful experience. I'm very grateful for you for that. But I don't know if a lot of people can have learned how to do that.

28:59And so what is this balanced acronym? Oh yeah. So okay, this I think this is very important. I mean at least it was for me and it is for me. One of them so that I said it's balanced right? So the B which is super important is be yourself. A lot of the times when we meet someone new we are trying to mold ourselves to who they are and or just show the best version of yourself all times the whole time or that you know things like that. Just be yourself and in order for you to be yourself and your authentic self get to know yourself and getting to know yourself also takes the exercise of knowing how do you like to be loved and how you like to love.

29:51And we got very fortunate because early on we went through so many different exercises on our love languages. Yeah. I don't know if it was like just synchronicities or timing, but we have the exact same order of love language, meaning what I like to give, I also like to receive and she likes to give and receive as well. So I'm not really a gift person. If she buys me a gift, I'm like, thank you. But it's not like, oh, it makes me feel so loved and so warm and I feel so appreciated and seen. It's like, I'm cool, but I can buy this myself. You know, I'm kind of have that mentality. I'm like, okay, cool.

30:26But it doesn't make me feel loved. But touch and affirmations, you know, and words of affirmation, like I'm doing that with you all day and you're doing that with me. And I'm like, man, I feel really loved. so I don't have to work harder to make you feel loved and you don't have to work harder to make me feel loved or get do something that you normally don't do authentically yeah and I think that alignment has been really helpful and I'm not saying it's what has to happen but it's been really helpful for me and for yeah it's been really helpful and even if we didn't have the same love languages because maybe some people here say wait wait a second we don't have the same love languages.

31:04We do. And this is great. Mom and dad, they have it too. They have words of affirmation with each other and acts of service with each other. But if you have different ones, you can have the conversation and then do the things that you know for the other person will make them feel loved. Exactly. And then vice versa. Exactly. So that's the B. So the B is be your authentic self. The A is so important, which we touched a little bit on this, is acceptance. is so important to accept the other person, which is why it's important to take your time to get to know them. Because you're going to see if the things that you hold as your values, as your vision, and as your lifestyle matches with the values, which is so important, of the other person and their vision and also the lifestyle.

31:57We did a lot of exercises early on about our values and our vision. We actually went to a location and we did a whole meditation process where I said, listen, I want you to write your values and I'm going to write my values. We're not going to let each other see them until after we both complete it. Because I wanted to see if we were in alignment or if we're completely off on things. Not meaning it wouldn't work out, but we'd have to come to an agreement on alignment. And we had so many things in alignment based on this exercise where I was like, okay, she's not just writing something down because she knows I wrote it down and vice versa.

32:32She's not doing something because she wants to impress me. You were just writing down what your values were. And that was just another helpful exercise, I think, for both of us to be like, okay, maybe those three things are my values, but I'm not against those things. And same thing for you. It's like, okay, he really values this. It's not really for you, but you're not against it. It's not against your values. it actually enriches my life and vice versa so and a lot of them were very similar values very similar it was it was a beautiful exercise that i recommend to everybody even if you are already together just write it separate from each other what are your values and see how you can find alignment we did i mean we did six seven we did an eight hour therapy session on a saturday one time together and um it's kind of crazy but it's also extremely powerful on all the different exercises that we did and we learned more and more about each other even though we were doing these exercises together it was powerful to have a third party who had been seasoned in these things to support us and in any disagreements we might have because we do have disagreements but they don't become arguments because we create conscious conversations to form new agreements around a disagreement.

33:48And that allows us to have more peace and harmony as opposed to resentment. So it's beautiful what you're talking about. Yeah, I think acceptance is very important because of the changing thing that we just talked about. Most people don't want to be changed by the other person. So just accept the person for who they are and where they are. I think that's That's very important. And the L from Balance is laughter. I think laughter, joy, sexiness, anything that you guys enjoy together. Harper. That's why I said laughter and joy. I'm curating all of this for Harper. I think that's important. Yeah, laughter.

34:31Laughter, joy, appreciation with each other. you know, having these moments, I think, you know, I don't think anyone's going to disagree with that. The other A, which I think is extremely important, is allowance. What do you mean by allowance? Allowing someone to do whatever they want at any moment, at any time? No, I think allowance has to do with flexibility. Like allowing the person to make mistakes. Sometimes we get into, when you're in relationships, you get into silly arguments because somebody made just a tiny mistake and you're like, ah, how come you didn't take out the dogs? And I don't know.

35:09Well, I just forgot. And that's okay. Like allowance. Have the allowance. So I don't have to be perfect all the time? You don't have to be perfect all the time, no. And also because I am living my human experience and Luis is living his human experience and we're just sharing it with each other. So if in your human experience there's something that happens to you, you're just living your life. And I'm here for you and next to you. And you're allowed to be. It's the allowance also of having freedom within the relationship. I think it's important. The other day you came home and I saw this jujitsu suit outfit.

35:57And I'm like, oh, it looks like he's getting into jiu-jitsu now. He's like, yeah, I'm going to get into jiu-jitsu. Oh, what if your ears go into the, if he wants to turn his ears into broccoli or whatever, brussel sprouts. I'm like, that's his life. It's good. He's living his life. Broccoli? I don't know. Cauliflower? Cauliflower ears? I don't know how you call them. I just think it's a vegetable. A vegetable. I want to turn his ears into carrots and asparagus. Like a salad in his head. I'm going to love you. It's your life. Right, right. We're sharing it with each other. So anybody's allowed sometimes, well, you know, I want to go on this trip with the guys.

36:38Go on the trip with the guys if that's something you need. And I'm sure he's okay with me going on a trip with the girls. Like sometimes we get stuck in these little things because they make us feel unsafe. and so the more we feel unsafe we want to have these parameters to create safety but in reality starts creating a cage. I don't know if this has been helpful for you but I think it might I don't want to assume but I I told you in the beginning I was like I have zero jealousy like I have I don't care who you talk to who you hang out with I trust you as a human being as an adult to have conscious conversations and be at events.

37:20You're on set. You do scenes with men who are half naked. You do all these different things in movies, right? I'm like, you, and also I looked at your history, right? She's done over 40 movies plus. I'm like Harper. I'm my dad. But she's done romance scenes in movies where she's with other men and kissing and all these different things. And I remember asking myself, okay, this is who this woman has been. and am I okay if she because I have a good buddy of mine who was married and now divorced to an actress and I remember we were it was a huge issue when she had a movie come out with a kissing scene okay and it like ruined him and he had to leave the room when like the whole thing happened when the scene was coming up he had to leave he couldn't like he could not deal with it okay it wrecked him and I remember saying okay would this affect me if this happens in the future or if she's out at events or if guys are hitting on her she's had lots of them you know wealthy successful rich famous guys hitting on her and I said would I be jealous and for whatever reason all the work that I had done I was like I'm not going to be jealous at all and I made a decision and I don't think I have been since I've met you I don't think there's been any moment I was like where'd you go tonight were you with some guy who is that guy what are you doing or questioning anything that you're doing because we both know that if I did something out of integrity or you did something out of integrity we would have to live with that we would suffer more than the other person with that and eventually we would find out and when we find out eventually whether whether it's that day, six months, three years later, we'll resolve it however we wanna resolve it and life will go on.

39:14So why being jealous? It's not gonna serve you and it's not gonna serve me. So I let that go before I met you and it's been an amazing thing for me. It probably makes you feel like there's an allowance, like I'm allowing of you to be yourself and trusting. Does that help you? It helps me so much. And recently I was having a conversation with a friend of ours, and she was saying, Marta, but he can go on tour and promoting his book. You don't know what could happen. I can go to my movies, and he cannot know what could happen. And she was like, aren't you like, doesn't that make you nervous? And I said to her, it goes back to who the person is when you get to know them and what their values are.

40:00I know Lewis's values. I know his life lessons. I know the things he has learned. I know he made a pact with himself of integrity. And I know if any of us is unintegrous, it's a betrayal to our own self-esteem and our own self-love. And to the relationship, to the chorus, to, you know, the person who's doing it. And so, again, he's living his life and I'm living my life. and we are choosing to share it. That's it. And I don't know, I feel very happy and very grateful for the allowance and the freedom to continue to live my life. If he was to say, you know, yeah, I want to be with you, but I want you to change your profession.

40:48Right. That'd be very hard. I would feel he's not accepting me. Right. I shouldn't be with you if I want you to change something about you. Yeah. So I had to accept, okay, this is who you are. maybe you do something different in the future, but let me believe you're going to continue doing this. Can I be okay with that? Does that work for me? And it does. So I think allowance is important. Allowance is flexibility also, having flexibility within the relationship. The N is nurture. And nurture is not only about nurturing each other. Obviously, we do. We're very affectionate with each other. We really are very affectionate with each other.

41:35I have like a barrier. I feel like we should have got a couch. I know. The other thing is I think it's not only about the nurture, it's also about having a nurturing life. So I see it with my parents. They have nurtured with each other in their love languages. And each of them have a very nurturing life. Like my dad has changed professions probably 10 times. We had a pet shop at one time. We had arcades at a different time. He wanted to be in a doctor and helping people healing. And then now he's on Bitcoin trading. And, you know, and so I think it's just very important to have a nurturing life because then I go on my adventures.

42:24and I come home and I share with Louis. He goes on his adventures like today and yesterday, the day before. All of this, the preparation for this event is an adventure. And he tells me what, who he met, who he talked to, what impacted him. I share with him. So we both have a nurturing life that we share with each other. So I think that's also very important. The next one is the C's, which is commitment. and I think this is important, the commitment to the vision we've created for the relationship. I think creating a vision together of the relationship, even if you've been together already for many years, sit down, create that vision.

43:12I think this is something we've learned. It's beautiful that we have our values and we have a vision. A business has that. I think a relationship should have that as well to see where we're going and what we stand for. Yes. That's beautiful. Yeah. The other thing is compassion. I think having compassion is very important, especially when you're seeing one of your partners getting frustrated and it's going into, you know, frustrating moment. If you can stop for a second and look at them and look at their inner child. When somebody is having a breakdown and when somebody is being vulnerable, the thing that happens immediately at least you go back to being a child.

43:52That's the truth. Anytime I am extremely vulnerable, I know I go back to being that little girl. And when I've seen you being vulnerable, you go back to being that little kid. So it's important to have each other. At least one of you at that moment can be the person that's saying, hey, I'm right here for you. It's okay. And so compassion goes a long way all the time. I was going to share a story that happens with Latinos families, you know, in that one time I saw my dad was really angry at my brother who's sitting somewhere over there. And we have, we are from the south of Mexico, so it's tropical, it's mosquitoes, there's bananas, there's papayas, there's flip-flops.

44:39And if there's a superpower that all grandmas and moms have is the superpower of the flip-flop. And mom was chasing around my brother with this flip-flop. Australians have boomerangs, we have flip-flops.

45:00We were all watching and she was angry at the beginning and my brother was running like afraid and he started going into laughter because he couldn't believe this was happening. And my mom is going into laughter too, but they're still chasing each other. And we're all watching this and the whole thing became fun. So if we could have compassion for our partners the same way, oh, they're getting angry, maybe it looks like a temper tantrum, if this is part of you, they kind of giggle a little bit inside. Or if you have the time later to laugh at it and say, you remember when you did that thing? Oh my God.

45:42And laugh about it. I think that's very important. So having compassion with each other. The other one was just the other C, and I'm going to finish very quickly. It's being curious. I think when you approach a conversation with curiosity, you avoid an argument. Why is it that most of the time we have the inclination to think of the worst case scenario or that that person that did something to you, and this goes for any partnership also, but also anybody, was machiavellically planning behind your back to hurt you. Yeah, something you do really well is you assume that I'm doing the best. You assume like, oh, I didn't mean to say that to hurt you.

46:32I didn't mean to do this thing to upset you. So before I get upset or hurt, let me ask you more curious questions. You do a great job with that. You do too. It doesn't make me feel like I'm on eggshells. I can still be myself. I never say to myself, what can I say today to make her really upset? to scream at me, to go run away. I never think that, so it's not my intention. So you do a great job of asking those questions. You're like, huh, that didn't sound like you meant to say that. Let's, you know, what does that mean? And also because, again, we are both living our life. So I'm going to share this.

47:08The other day we were, I'm trying to remember what we were doing, but we were at a fair, and there was this cornhole thing, and I said to Luis, Luis, can you hold this? We finally found a cornhole available. We're going to play with the family. can you can you keep it and so he was there and kind of like was throwing the thing i run get my family together it's a whole ordeal because we're so many we finally get there hey well first off it takes 15 minutes to gather them all because there's so many of them so i'm there and i'm like all right i'm like getting tired here bored so by the time i left i arrived with my family it was taken already by somebody else and louis was eating an ice cream

47:47And I thought to myself, I have two options. Either I get upset or I think this is so curious. What is this being doing eating an ice cream? Oh, that ice cream. And I'm like, well, yeah, for sure. He wanted an ice cream. He just thought what he was doing. He was doing. But have that little playfulness inside of you. I think it's important. Right? Yes. Anyway, so then you're curious about who this person is and what are they doing. The next one is the letter E, which is for the word balanced, which is education. Education. Education. So it's important to educate yourself about who your partner is.

48:32What are their inner child wounds? What are the things that they lived? In which ways they were hurt? Their past. Their past. their struggles, to also have that compassion to understand them and also to have the care to remember certain things that could affect them. Right. You know? So I know, for example, for Louis that if anything gets, if he gets very tired or if anything gets a little bit chaotic, he needs to take space. Uh-huh. I know that. So I don't take it personally because that has to do with his past and his life. So I am very grateful that you don't get frustrated frequently or anything.

49:17But when you do, I'm like, I know he needs to take space. I'm just tired. He's tired. He needs to take space. It's true. It is true. So I think educating yourself about the past of your partner goes also a long way. And then also education means growth. So what we're doing here, we're all growing. And so we, after this weekend, we become a better version of ourselves. And by becoming a better version of yourself, even if your partners didn't come to this, when you start changing, the environment around you starts changing. So I think education. And the last one that I think should be at the top of it, it's Dios.

50:02Dios. Dios. Dios. What is Dios? Dios means God. It comes from the Latin word Deus. And I think that God is permeating in everything. I think when you are putting two things together like this, it's easily to do this. But when you're doing a braid and you're braiding this thing with God, then it becomes solid and strong and beautiful. I am so grateful for you in my life. Te amo muchísimo. I didn't know, but I trusted that you existed somewhere. And I'm so grateful of all the life lessons. I'm so grateful for your mom that is right here. You have a wonderful son.

50:56Let me see a question.

51:01So I want to recap this for you. Balance, be you, acceptance, laughter, allowance, nurture, commitment, slash compassion, education, and Dios, God, right? Yes. It's beautiful. Martha has like, before, she's a very prepared individual. Yes. She has so many different note cards with all these different puzzles and maps and all these different things, just a few of the things that she's learned. If you guys want us to do another part three sometime to dive in deeper on this, we really didn't cover as much as she knows, but we just covered a little bit. If you want a part three sometime, just make some noise if you can.

51:54I want to say something also. Being with someone like you is really a dream come true. Luis put so much dedication into his self-growth and into his community and he gives and gives and gives and you are a giver. And I know all the people here agree that you are receiving a piece of your heart, but if they knew how big your heart is. And I want to tell you that I'm so grateful for your uniqueness. And that I know many times growing up, you grew up with the perspective that you probably were not enough, but you are enough. Thank you, my mom. More than enough. How much you're enough?

52:50Guys, Martha is going to be around tonight, so if you have questions for her, give her a hug tonight at the closing party. Later tonight, you'll be around so you can say hi and ask questions. And for any of the women in the room that want to dive in deeper on her brain on this, make sure to ask her some questions there. But I love you. Thank you so much. Let's give it up, guys, for Martha. Give it up. Give it up. Give it up, give it up.

53:22Oh, actually, I did have one final question that I want to ask, and I actually have never asked this question to anyone in 10 years of my podcast. I wanted to ask you, I was curious.

53:54Oh

54:16So slow you hear Oh my God! I love you! I love you! I love you so much! I love you so much! Still mine! Oh, man! Oh, man! Oh! Yeah, what is it? I love you so much! Oh! Oh my God!

54:50I love you so much. I love you so much. I love you so much. I love you too much. Diana. Let's go out of your bed. Let's go.

55:06Let's go out of your bed. Only rivers flow to the sea, to the sea, to the open arms of the sea. Oh my God, you guys are awake. Only rivers sigh, wait for me, wait for me. I'll be coming home, wait for me. Oh, my love, my darling, I've hungered, hungered for your touch. Oh, my love, your time.

56:04And time goes by so slowly And time can do so much Are you too much?

56:33I need your love I need your love Your love Oh my god

57:04So beautiful. So beautiful. I love you. I'm sorry. I'm in shock. But Martha asked me to... Martha asked me to... Thank you.

57:25Martha said she wanted me to do something for her. You can keep the song going. I like that song. Keep it low. She asked me to ask her to do a favor for her when we were just down there with our families. And before we ask her that, you know, man, this has been surreal. You know, Ohio has got my heart. It's my home. And I couldn't have thought of any other place to create this moment for ourselves and for our families. And I'm so grateful for everyone that came here. So thank you, guys, for creating this moment.

58:06Martha has a practice, an exercise that she taught me when we first met. And it's about reconnecting to your younger self. And traveling in time back to your younger self in moments when you wanted to go somewhere greater in your life. life and she has this exercise where she speaks back to her younger self and she shouts in time back to her younger self and also into her future self so so shouting the future of something she's wanting to create and then she acknowledges the younger her that took that leap and time into that future self so what is the thing that you like us to do The thing is...

58:58Ready for my life!

59:05So time, like we learned this weekend, is a construct of our head. Time doesn't really exist. There's a theory that says past, present, and future are all happening at the same time. And so you know those times when you are having a moment in which you feel your gut, your heart tells you to do something, and you take that leap and you do that something, you don't know where that voice is coming from? So, we created this thing, Dad and I, in which perhaps that voice is also coming from yourself from the future, that is telling yourself from the past, go for it, take the leap. And so, four years ago, I was in a really bad time in my life.

1:00:04And I just didn't know if I could trust in love again and have that confidence. But I took the leap. And I know there were times in your life that you also were, what is this thing about love? And you make the leap. So, can you scream back? Can you help us? So we can scream back at ourselves in the past. What are we saying? We're saying take the leap. Take the leap. All right. One, two, three. Take the leap! Amazing.

1:00:49I love you. I love you so much. I love you so much. I love you so much.

1:01:06Thank you guys, thank you so much. You guys are amazing. I'm kind of blacking out right now. I don't know if this is normal. Guys, is this what happens? You kind of black out, you forget everything that happens? What did you say? What did you say? What? I'm sorry. She's blacking out also. What did you say when I asked you? I said yes! Yes.

1:01:39We have, um... I'm going to get off the stage here in a second. We're going to be there tonight at the closing party, so that's the time for all of us to celebrate whatever leap we're taking into in our lives. You know what we're going to be celebrating tonight. We have... We have one final video. that we're going to show that is all of you from this weekend so enjoy this video thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to share my heart with you for allowing this moment to happen enjoy this video we'll see you at the closing party tonight i love you guys thank you so much i hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links and And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast.

1:02:38If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcast and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels at Lewis Howes. I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better. And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter. And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

1:03:13And now it's time to go out there and do something great.