In short
Podcast Summary: The School of Greatness - Episode 1482: From Doubt to Dominance & The Science of Cultivating Confidence
Overview In this episode of The School of Greatness, Lewis Howes guides listeners through insights from esteemed guests on the themes of confidence, mindset, and personal growth. Notable guests like Shaolin Master Shi Heng Yi, Ed Mylett, Simon Sinek, and Evy Poumpouras contribute their wisdom on cultivating confidence to help listeners unlock their inner greatness.
Key Themes and Insights
- Importance of Physical, Mental, and Spiritual Well-being
- Shaolin Master Shi Heng Yi emphasizes the need for balance in life.
- Practical techniques for mindfulness, stress management, and focus are discussed.
- Encourages reconnecting with one's inner self to foster purpose.
- Visualization and Affirmations
- Ed Mylett shares techniques on:
- Visualizing success and using affirmations to reprogram the subconscious mind.
- Tips for incorporating these practices into daily life to enhance self-assurance and optimism.
- Growth Mindset
- Simon Sinek discusses the significance of a growth mindset:
- Encourages viewing failures as learning opportunities.
- Emphasizes reframing perceptions of challenges to build confidence.
- Body Language and Nonverbal Communication
- Evy Poumpouras explains how to exude confidence through:
- Posture, gestures, and eye contact.
- Practical tips for enhancing presence in various situations, including public speaking and interviews.
Key Takeaways
- Mindset Hacks for Confidence:
- Techniques to manage negative emotions and stress.
- The benefits of breathwork in high-pressure situations.
- Visualization strategies for pursuing personal greatness.
- Traits of Confident Leaders:
- Understanding the common characteristics shared by successful leaders.
- Community and Connection:
- The importance of surrounding oneself with supportive individuals to bolster confidence.
Discussion Highlights
- The Role of Intention in Confidence:
- Confidence should not be solely an internal endeavor; external support and relationships are crucial.
- Serving Others Enhances Self-Confidence:
- Helping others can foster self-growth and confidence.
- The Concept of "One More":
- Ed Mylett introduces the "one more" mindset, suggesting that pushing oneself to do just a bit more can exponentially increase confidence and success.
Conclusion The episode provides a comprehensive exploration of confidence-building strategies that integrate mind, body, and spirit. Listeners are encouraged to apply these insights to overcome self-doubt and step confidently into their greatness.
For further information and resources, listeners can visit [Lewis Howes' website](http://www.lewishowes.com/1482) and check out the full episodes of the guests featured in this podcast.
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Additional Links
- [Full Episode with Shi Heng Yi](https://link.chtbl.com/1428-pod)
- [Full Episode with Ed Mylett](https://link.chtbl.com/1274-pod)
- [Full Episode with Simon Sinek](https://link.chtbl.com/1478-pod)
- [Full Episode with Evy Poumpouras](https://link.chtbl.com/1270-pod)
Final Thoughts Lewis closes by reminding listeners that they are loved, worthy, and capable of achieving greatness.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:01Calling all conscious achievers who are seeking more community and connection, I've got an invitation for you. Join me at this year's Summit of Greatness this September 7th through 9th in my hometown of Columbus, Ohio to unleash your true greatness. This is the one time a year that I gather the greatness community together in person for a powerful transformative weekend. People come from all over the world and you can expect to hear from inspiring speakers like Inky Johnson, Jospree Singh, Vanessa Van Edwards, Jen Sincero and many more. You'll also be able to dance your heart out to live music, get your body moving with group workouts, and connect with others at our evening socials.
0:44So if you're ready to learn, heal, and grow alongside other incredible individuals in the greatness community, then you can learn more at lewishouse.com slash summit 2023. Make sure to grab your ticket, invite your friends, and I'll see you there. the physical appearance of that laziness of that dullness of that heaviness it's apparent but why is it there you are not creating any identity of yours in order to harm if this is what your initial intention is then i think the penalty will come welcome to the school of greatness my name is lewis howes former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur and each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness.
1:35Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.
1:44Welcome to this special masterclass. We brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today. It's going to be powerful, So let's go ahead and dive in.
2:01What was your biggest weakness that you had to overcome as you started to grow up, you know, studying martial arts, living in the modern world and then becoming, you know, a teacher, a student in the temple? what was the biggest inner enemy that you faced and overcame or you're still in the practice of overcoming it seriously is still the five hindrances because it is just something common yeah you know so for example one of the next hindrances is laziness yes very easily the lack of energy. Meaning you have great ideas, you have great plans, all of this, but the spark to put you under fire is just not there.
2:55Why do so many people lack the spark to act, to launch, to build momentum, to be consistent? Why do so many people lack that energy, desire and stay lazy or dull? I think it's a combination of the way of life people have lived before and the lack of vision, what lies in front of them. So both of these things. So what I mean by that is, not always it's just like, let's say, the physical appearance of that laziness, of that dullness, of that heaviness. It's apparent. But why is it there? And this has so many different variations now when you look into the past. It can really be because of the food that you're eating.
3:47Because the lack of movement that you're having. Because of your habits, whatever type of habits it is, that caused you to now end up in that body, which is at the moment pretty inefficient. Yes. To generate fire. Yeah. No, I have to say, sometimes in my spare time, I like to build engines. Really? Yeah, I build engines. I build race engines. And therefore, me, if I look at it, I really like that similarity. You want that engine to perform well. One of the things that then normally needs to be optimized is, number one, airflow, the intake. and then also the amount of the air that gets in there, the quality of it.
4:43That's why on the engine we filter it, but now it comes to us. What are you breathing in? How is it with your lung capacity? How much of your lung capacity are you able to really use? How clean are you inside of it? Because what is it eventually with that oxygen that we are taking in? what is it that you are burning and try to make into energy? There are a lot of things that you can eat and try to burn, but the quality of this energy is very little. There is other food, they have a very, very high amount of energy once you burn them. So that means, of course, these things, the diet has an effect also on the dullness of the body.
5:32This is the one thing. Yeah. And now looking into the future. Well, if you are expecting fast results, this is, you know, looking out into the world. What comes fast goes fast. and especially something that is changing the status quo of your life your lifestyle let's say something that is changing it too quickly it is like let's just say you know at the moment i visit you i see you like this in one month i come back and you might have 30 kilograms more on muscles. I know whatever you did it was not good. It was too fast. Because all these quick changes also when we look outside sometimes, I mean let's just take the earthquake or the tsunamis or a lightning strike, anything like this, the natural forces, they don't tell you one month before that they are coming.
6:46The problem is when they come, they very often have this destructive character not always but often and when it comes now to creating our way of life when it comes to the transformation of ourself at least in my world view i take this into consideration meaning i don't even expect myself to make huge jumps um quickly quickly because i just feel like okay that might just not be sustainable. That might not just be something that is helpful on the long run. And therefore to take pressure away from you, make small steps. And this is what I mean by how far is your view on your future vision of what you want to achieve there.
7:41How far should we be thinking out in terms of our vision or our mission? is it based on the season of life we're in you know if we're 18 years old and we're going to school we should just be thinking out you know the next four years or should we be thinking out 5, 10, 20 years because so much can change so quickly in life and situations okay I can only talk about myself yes and I have to say I'm a dreamer yeah I'm a dreamer and a visionist a visionary probably. I don't know how you call it. Visionary. Visionary. My way of seeing this world where I am embedding in is super huge. That's why of course you can always say yeah but this is just your imagination yeah.
8:34Yes. Which is your most powerful source. Your ability to put something into your own mind where nobody else has impact on and only you know that day in day out you just still walk this path and feel for yourself how it's getting real because it's unbroken because there's nobody who can interfere it's all small things and probably I can just say that maybe to try it out okay of course you should not like dream too big which is like unrealistic let's say like this of course not but the vision that there is something you can bring out about yourself that this world has not seen yet this is something which is quite appealing to me and is therefore also something that I also, let's say, continuously practice and keep on the mind.
9:47And now comes the but. Whatever vision and dream you have upon yourself, that you are projecting upon yourself, I do think that you need to have at the same time a commitment. and first on for example the commitment and what are you going to do with that identity of yours if you're going to get there so you mean a commitment of like the daily actions you're going to take that you're committed to or once you're there what are you going to do with it the commitment now very clearly you are creating because you want to help to serve yes to help others yes you are not creating any identity of yours in order to harm because i think if this is what your initial intention is then i think the penalty will come.
10:53What if your intention is to only serve yourself? Is to look good, to make money for you, to get famous for you, to buy things for you because you want to be successful, but you're not including doing it in the service of other people as well. What happens when it's only about me? You might reach it in this lifetime. But if you bring this one to an end, or if you continuously go there, in my vision, not only in this lifetime, you're going to be lonely. You're going to have everything you want. You're going to have everything that blinks. You have all the reputation. It's all great. Everything you ever dreamt of, you have it.
11:45What you don't have is something that gives you real stability. Something that gives you real value in this life. What is that? I think it is something that can't be taken off from you. I think it is the connection to other fellows. It's a connection to people, to humans, to animals, to this world and ultimately the connection of this life. And what happens with this person if he only lives this way of life? He's going to repeat himself. Why repeat? Or what do I mean by repeating? now i jump a little bit but sometimes this life seems to me it's like a video game and if you're at level one and continuously fail at level one you're never gonna move up to level two and and get into touch with the next challenges of life so if somebody is still stuck on the material level of wanting this and that.
13:05So really materialistic. This is really the basic plane. This is a very, very basic plane. This is like level one. Sometimes it's necessary. You need to have it first. And then your relationship towards these things starts to shift. And suddenly you find yourself that now it's not these things anymore that start to matter to you now suddenly since you're in level two now you're starting to ask yourself okay now it's not material things anymore but i love my wife i love my husband i love my children i love my dog i love the jobs i love my employees but they are getting sick they are starting to die away.
13:53This is now starting in level two to trouble you. So now it's the time to figure out a way how do you walk through this lifetime figuring out these challenges of life that our ancestors lost people. Our future generations are going to lose beloved people. It's nothing new. How do you learn despite the fact of that is existing? How can you still find something about yourself to still keep going, stay strong and still keep going and supporting and helping despite of these things and then maybe level two you manage to find a way for yourself and then you're going to be exposed to the next type of challenges that this life is giving to you so what i'm talking about is that i'm not sure if life is getting easier i just think that you are becoming more mature, you are becoming more skillful in order to tackle the challenges of life.
15:17I think this is what ultimately, for me at least, seems to me like this. Yeah, it's learning to become a better leader for yourself. It's developing these skills, overcoming the challenges so that, I think I heard you say like life doesn't get easier, you just get stronger. And you can manage it with more peace and grace as these challenges and pains come to you, right? When do you think it's the easiest time in life? When you're younger or when you're older? When you're younger. Out of just the fact that you have not learned yet and have not been exposed yet to all of these adult ideas of what you're supposed to do with your life.
16:04How do you manage the level that you're at now? I'm not sure what level you're in in the video game. Is it level 7 or 28 right now for you? But how do you manage this level where you're stepping into new seasons, new decade of the material number of the world you're in, the platform that you're building around the world globally? how do you step into that and master it? I think before we talked about it already a little bit that within the last three years, four years I could really witness in a way how like these type of teachings or let's say my name was really spread out into the world and more and more people starting to also participate in listening to what is it that is being shared out, for example.
17:05And at the same time, I can also feel that everything I have to say, everything that I like shared, the reason why I could share all of these things is because the first 35 years before that, I was not the talker at all. There couldn't be any more quiet person than me. Really? Yes. Until when? When did you start using your voice? I think it happened in the moment where people asked me to explain what I'm doing. And then I just said, look, I'm not just doing my punch. This is not punching for me. So in the martial art, for example. I started to explain, for example, the punch is not just for me something, let's say, physical.
17:54It has also something to do, what are you doing to prepare inside of you before you throw out that punch because if you throw out something if something moves outwards the question for me is where does it get in because if you throw out punches 500 punches every day you just throw them out where do you get the energy from to throw 500 things out and now different ways how you can express it but for me coming from this field of martial arts where the yin yang symbol does matter and also does matter why it is around means for me i started to explain if you want to throw a punch there are different ways how to throw it if you have a lot of mess already on yourself you probably can just use straight line movements no issue at all but if you look at me small asian i have to compensate for the lack of mess somehow and therefore i need to use another method i need to use different methods to compensate for the lack of mess that i have in comparison to other people so and suddenly out of a question how do you punch starts the talking discussion yeah and and honestly i think this is where the beginning lies, where then people found it interesting that apparently there's a whole philosophy just behind like a punch.
19:28And I said, yes. How did you, I can resonate with the fact that, you know, you were shy most of your life, right? You didn't speak that much up. You didn't use your voice as much. You were more introverted with your voice. Is that correct? Yes. So how did you have the confidence and learn that skill of confidence to use your voice when you really didn't use it that much beforehand? Were you fearful? Were you nervous? Were you afraid? Or how did you step into that? I just had to laugh right now because I just imagined in my mind, there were very often also now in school time already. Of course, my friends, they were standing in the break time everybody having discussions i was always quiet yeah but internally i could already like feel like i knew what i would say if i would open my mouth it's just that i didn't why not because ultimately i just thought that it's it's pointless um it's pointless because sometimes just sometimes the topics are just right it's superficial or whatever yeah yeah it doesn't bring benefit to anything.
20:46It's just meaning maybe that you are profiling yourself, but that was it. So that's why I kept it for myself. But internally observing people, watching, just listening, inside of me the language was always speaking. I always knew what would be my answer if somebody speak to me like this. Sure, sure. And so ultimately, I really think it was for me not difficult at all to then, when I was asked, to just let it out. Say it, yeah. Because I already had it inside. I just had to, let's say, allow my mouth to speak it out. So what I'm hearing you say is also link confidence to intention. Some people say link it to the effort, right?
21:34like the effort that you show up, that you just keep showing up, and others talk about the results. Should we be thinking about it? I call it the holy trilogy in the book of self-confidence. What is this? The confidence trilogy is faith, have confidence. So if you're a person of faith, no matter what you believe in, it's amazing to me how people that believe in energy, quantum energy, or they believe in they're a Christian like me, and I believe in both, by the way, but whatever their faith is, that they have it on Sunday, they have it at Bible study, or they have it when they get together with their friends, or when they meditate, but somehow when they walk into a business meeting, they're alone.
22:07So why are you alone then, but you're not alone these other times? So I'm never alone. So that's number one. Number two is my intention. And third is my associations change my confidence. But here's the biggie. If you don't have self-confidence, here's what you have. You have a really bad reputation with yourself. You have built a habit of not keeping the promises you make to yourself. We've all heard this before, but there's a level. I have a chapter in the book called One More Standard. Here's how I built what I would call almost superhuman confidence in spite of my insecurity. Think about that.
22:37Superhuman confidence in spite of my insecurity. That's exactly what you just said. It's an effort play. If you don't have self-confidence, you've never kept the promises you make to yourself. Check that box. If you have self-confidence, you've started to keep the promises you make to yourself. If you want to have superhuman self-confidence, you keep the promises you make to yourself and one more. If I'm going to get up and I'm going to work out, I'm going to do 10 reps in the gym, I do one more. If I'm going to do 45 minutes on the treadmill, I do one more. If I want to make 10 contacts in a day, I do that and one more.
23:06If I'm going to tell my daughter I love her every day, I'm going to do that and one more. And so that higher standard, because in life, we don't get our goals, we get our standards long term. And so if your standard is one more, what starts to happen is you go, I'm willing to do things other people aren't willing to do. And I combine that, that I have great faith, great associations and I intend to help people. This is a formula to build wonderful self-confidence and never lack humility when you have it. So when did you learn this one more mindset? Was this from your dad early on or was this? From my dad, so we talked about this a little bit earlier but my dad had these couple theories he would always say to me.
23:43And so one was when he got sober, he gave it one more try. He was gonna stay sober one day at a time. And then my dad, there's no dreaming in my house. There's no like, my jet, you know, I've been blessing like multiple airplanes, right? In my life, my jet was in almost walking distance of my dad's house. He's never been on any of them. Wow. And I would say to my dad, I would say, Hey, let's go play golf in Maui. Let's go. There's these great golf courses in the ocean. And my dad would say, well, why would I go all the way to Maui to play golf with my favorite person, my son, when we can play here in Chino?
24:13It's not about there. I want to be with my son. So this, my family had none of that stuff, but my dad knew I was a dreamer and my dad would always say, you know, I was one decision away from changing my life the whole time. One choice. And he'd say, Eddie, you're not as far away from these dreams as you think you are. And I'd say, really, Dad? And he'd go, no, you're actually a lot closer than you think. But because you think it's so far away, you behave in accordance with that belief system and it always keeps it that far away from you. So how do we bring our dreams closer to us? The first thing is, that's a great question.
24:46The first thing is you need to believe and know that you're one decision, one relationship, one meeting, one book, one thought, one something away from a completely different life. And when you know that, then you begin to look for them. And so in the second chapter of the book, I have a thing in the book called the matrix. And your matrix is your reticular activating system in your brain. It's the filter for your entire life. Okay. And this filter reveals to you the world that's in front of you. Again, example of it is, I just, I like what Musk is doing. So I just bought a Tesla. I drove it here today.
25:16I got a Tesla too. Model X or what do you got? I got a Plaid. It's a plaid. It's a good one. Nice. And so I bought this plaid and all of a sudden, man, everywhere I go, there's Teslas. Do you notice this? I see them everywhere. I'm like, whoa, I see them everywhere. Three lanes over, other side. Freaking Tesla. This is crazy. They were always there. Why didn't I see them before? Because they weren't part of my RAS. So the key thing I teach you in the book, how to slow down time and create the matrix of your life, when you make the Teslas of your life, those relationships, those meetings, those thoughts, those encounters, you can very easily do this, but there's a process of repeated visualization you do that's not complicated.
25:50It's chapter two of the book, and it will shift you. The other component, too, I have a chapter in the book called Become an Impossibility Thinker and a Possibility Achiever. Here's how most people's frameworks. They don't have an RAS program. They're not intentional, so they keep getting. If the things most important to you are your worries, fears, anxieties, problems, bills, you will continue to have people, places, and things revealed to you that confirm it. And if you operate out of your memory and your history, if this is your pattern, your framework, you will continue to find those things.
26:19You need to learn to operate out of your imagination and your dreams. This is a different framework for life. Imagination is different than dreaming. Imagination causes you to create dreams and thoughts that never happen. When you imagine something, you create a space. Once you have a thought, this is powerful. When you have a thought, you create a space that did not exist in the world before you had that thought. And that space now exists. And the way your brain works and your life works and the universe works is it tries to furnish that space, whether it's a negative or a positive thought, it starts to hear things it wouldn't hear.
26:50That's why when you're in a crowded room and they say, Lewis, you can hear Lewis auditorily over all the noise. Why? It's in your RAS. It's why you see the Tesla. The key thing is being able to operate out of this imagination. Why is imagination so important? When you were a child, three, four, five years old, you were probably happier than you are right now. Why? Two reasons. A, you were closer to God. You had just been with God more recently. And two, you operated out of your imagination. You didn't operate out of a history and a memory because you didn't have one. And slowly over time, by the time you were 10, 11, 12 years old, loving people installed their limiting thoughts and beliefs, their software, into you.
27:28Because most things in life are caught, not taught. You catch them. And so now you're starting to operate out of history and memory. And you repeat it. And your RES begins to see the things that reinforce that history and memory. And so you basically have the same life over and over again with a different cast of characters in a different environment, but the same emotions. You have the same emotional home. My dad used to say to me, every call, bro, till the day he died and I'm 50 years old, blah, blah, blah, whatever we're talking about, last thing he would always say to me, be careful. Be careful.
28:01What the heck? And I go, Be careful with what? I don't know. I never knew. But what is that programming from the time you're eight years old? Be careful. Hey, go to school. Watch out. Be careful. So what that, they're operating on this fear thing, right? Oh, I need to be careful. I need to be careful. But don't make this risk. Don't take that business. decision. Don't start a podcast. Don't get on that stage and speak. Don't do this. Don't do that. You say that to an already unconfident, insecure person. He meant it lovingly. By the time I'm 50 worth hundreds of millions of dollars, be careful.
28:26He didn't even know he was saying it to me, but what was he doing? He was installing, God bless him, his limiting beliefs into me as a little boy. So a lot of these things that you believe, you were defenseless when you started to believe them. They were installed in you by loving people who were around you. And even though your life may look differently. Your emotional home, the four, five, six emotions you experience pretty regularly might be very familiar from your parents, one or two of them, right? And so you need to look at your emotional home. What's your most powerful emotion and the emotion that you wish you could let go of?
28:57Love is the most powerful emotion in the world. We will all do everything for love. If there were more love in the world, the way we treat one another, the way we express our thoughts, you know, you'll do anything for love, right? So love is by far my most powerful emotion it's like like i love you then like when i just saw you we didn't just like people we didn't just hug for like one second yeah and you do this better than i do i hold people i make it uncomfortable because i just want to hug and love on people but it's not uncomfortable bro right because the reason you're so successful is you truly do love people yeah and you come from that place and i know we're bigger dudes and like like that's a beautiful expression of a man a real man is capable of real love.
29:38That's a sign of real strength. So that's the most powerful one. And then for me, I know the emotion that I wish I didn't have. It's chaos. Really? How often do you experience chaos? Less because I'm aware of it. But I'm going to tell you all the time till about five years ago, even when we first met. Why? I used to even say this, man, I operate great under chaos. Man, you should see me operate under chaos. Most people can't handle chaos. I'm calm under pressure. Well, the reason for that was I grew up in an alcoholic home. So I'm very familiar with chaos. It became a very familiar emotion. And what we do is we gravitate towards the familiar emotions in our life, even if they're not ones that serve us.
30:14And I don't think there's negative or positive emotions. I say this in the book. There just are. Fear isn't negative. Fear in abundance is negative. But some fear, being afraid to do this podcast, to some extent, causes us to prepare. So a dose of it, it was given to us in the caveman days, so T-Rex didn't need us, right? So some fear is good. Some anxiety is okay. Some frustration, some anger is appropriate. It's to the dosage level. And we get these four or five of them. For me, some chaos is okay. It's fun. It's exciting. It's exhilarating, right? But getting it every day, every week, every month, all the time.
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30:49And so how do you get rid of it? Well, one way you get rid of it is just to be awareness. When you have an awareness of a thought, it loses its impact and power over you. It almost becomes like this, I'll do it. I'm like, I'm doing it again, aren't I? I'm doing the chaos. thing again. Everything's great right now. All the houses are paid off. My kids are happy. Married to a great woman. Got great friends. I'm doing the chaos thing again, aren't I? You dummy. You're doing it again. And it kind of loses its power over you. So I have a chapter in the book called One More Emotion and how to take an inventory of the emotions you have.
31:18And so, yeah, man, mine's definitely love. And the one I don't want is chaos because chaos causes me to act out of anger and frustration. It can depress me. And your intentions are not going to be as, I guess. It's pure. It's a gateway emotion. Chaos is my gateway emotion to the ones I don't want. Chaos gives me stress. Chaos gives me anger. Chaos gives me frustration. Chaos gives me fear. So it's a gateway emotion. What is the result when you create from that space of chaos? It's funny. I have found the ability to externally create something pretty productive. Right. But stay with me on this.
31:51But the process in getting there is destructive. The process in getting there is not beautiful. And I used to think a lot of successful people... It's like forcing your way to get the results. Almost through force. Yeah. You know? And the... And I still do it sometimes. I'm thinking of a situation this week where I did it. And I used to think, well, that's a superpower, though, because I've created all these external... Look what I made. Look what I did. Yeah. And I'm doing it because of that. The truth is, I did it in spite of it. I believe self-doubt is one of the biggest killers to anyone's dreams.
32:24Yeah. So how does someone develop self-confidence and sustain it with the ever going changes and stresses and uncertainties that always come up. Once you reach a certain level there's a new uncertainty. So I think it's ironic that we call it self-confidence because I don't for one think it comes from the inside. I think our self-confidence comes from the outside. You mean that's the wrong way of going about it or you think that's where it comes from in general. We are being misdirected by the name. When we say build your self-confidence, that's the instruction of saying go inside, look inside oneself.
33:04But I think that's a false direction. Children aren't born self-confident. Their confidence is built from their parents and their friends and their teachers, where they're rewarded when they do well and And they're pushed when they fail, when they can do better. Simply, you know, we know this, that simply telling kids that they're great all the time actually doesn't build self-confidence. It actually does the total opposite. Right. Right. And I, for one, I can tell you in my own experience, my own self-confidence 100 % comes from the relationships that I have. It's not some deep internal fortitude.
33:50You know? A world-famous trapeze artist is not going to try a brand-new death-defying act for the first time without a net. So it's the people in my life. It's when I do doubt myself that somebody says, you got this. When somebody says, I believe in you. When somebody says, no matter what happens, whether it succeeds or fails, I'm going to be by your side. That's when I have the confidence to do difficult things. Wow. I don't have some natural battery that just... Right. That to me is bravado. I don't know if that's self-confidence. Being a huge risk taker is not an indication of self-confidence to me.
34:41Jumping out of a plane and jumping out of a plane with a parachute are two different things. Right. Right. To me self-confidence is measured and there should be a degree of doubt But but I think true self-confidence belief in oneself and belief in one's cause You know I could not do the things that I'm doing and I would not have the strength To have made the sacrifices that I've made or continue to wake up on a daily basis to drive to spread this message if I were alone. And so when we talk about building one's self-confidence, I think the mistake that we make is that we look inside. I think the reality is when we're trying to build our self-confidence, we should be looking to our friends.
35:24We should be nursing our relationships. When I'm looking to build my self-confidence, the question is, who around me do I need to take care of? The way we build our self-confidence is by helping somebody else build theirs. We will build our confidence with an act of service. So I'll tell you a true story. So I did an experiment. I love doing experiments in my own life. Yeah, me too. I love it. I have mad thoughts. I'm like, well, let's try this one out. So I have a very dear friend who has stuck with me through thick and thin, who she is absolutely profoundly one of the reasons that I am who I am today.
35:59And I have my confidence in large part because of her. She's one of a small group of people who I look at and say, yep, yep, good friend. right she was struggling like seriously struggling oh let me take a step back so we decided that we were gonna she look she was she was struggling she goes she was going through some hard hard things in her life career wasn't going the way she wanted her personal relationship was struggling there was a there's a lot of was lacking confidence there was a lot of rough she was lacking confidence. And we would get together on a regular basis and I would attempt to coach her.
36:44And she'd feel great for the hour after she left me and then it would very quickly go back to normal. And we'd get back together and I would coach her and she felt great for the hour after she left me and then it would go back to normal. And I can't say that there was some profound change being made in her. So I had a harebrained idea. I went to her and I said, I need your help. I said, I'm struggling. I don't have a coach that I love and trust. You've known me for years. I trust you with everything. I feel unbelievably safe around you. Can you put together a program and can you coach me? I think you're good at it.
37:24And it wasn't reciprocal. It was an I'll coach you, you coach me. I said, I need your help because I'm struggling. It was legit. It wasn't like I was just making stuff up. You were stressed. It was legit. I could do with the help and I trusted her to help me. And something profound started to happen over the course of just a few weeks It wasn't even for a few months, but over the course of a few weeks She started to gain way more confidence. Her career started to really move in a more positive direction her relationship firmed up And the more that she was in service to me the more that she grew herself So I think self-confidence I wish we didn't call it self-confidence Because like I said, I think it gives a false direction the way we build confidence
38:08is with. You know, con means with, doesn't it? Interesting. So I have no idea the etymology of confidence. That's interesting. Just making stuff up here. But con means with. I mean, to confide. Let's look this up because fidelity is something to do with truth. So confide, right? Yeah, look it up with the etymology of confidence. Look at the etymology of confidence. You know, to confide is to people, like a conspiracy is a co-whisper. That's what conspiracy is, a co-whisper. So confidence is co-fidelity. Right. So let's see if the instinct is matched by the etymology of the word. And which if it isn't, I'm still okay with it.
38:56What does it say? So it comes from late MacLinglish, confident translations, origins, and meaning. Here we go. on light etymology dictionaries. God love it. Where's the word come from? It's about trust or reliance. But what's the actual etymology of the word? Yeah, I'm not going to sit here and waste everybody's time. But it comes from comfidre. And fidre means to trust. To trust yourself or trust other people. So com, what does com mean?
39:32It means with.
39:36It means with trust. That could be with trust with yourself. I think it's been, that's my point. I think it's been, I think it's like a conspiracy requires two people. You cannot have a conspiracy with one person. It's a co-whispering. You know, you commit the crime of conspiracy when you tell someone something. And you're both in on it. So I think confidelity, confidence is the same thing. I think it's at least two people who undertake the task of trust and reliance. So she was coaching you and you saw a change with over a few weeks of her confidence. Her confidence built. And her belief in herself.
40:17Her belief in herself grew when she was in service to helping me.
40:25And so that goes back to the root of the question. How do you build your self-confidence? Or how do you overcome self-doubt? How do you overcome self-doubt? Help someone else overcome self-doubt. I love that. I love that. You overcome self-doubt by helping. And it's not a selfish thing. I'm only helping you so I can. You have to genuinely love and commit to the person. This person that you're helping, you have to genuinely care about their success and their confidence and their lot in life. Yeah. It's so true. Everything comes back to service. And like I said, it goes back to the origins of humankind, right?
40:57Which is we are naturally tribal animals and we actually are at our best when we are in service to each other in a cause greater than ourselves. The more we focus on what we're lacking, what we don't have, what's not working for us, the challenges we're going through, the more doubt we're going to have. Correct. When we're inwardly focused on what we don't have. Oh, I wish we'd had this conversation about eight months ago because I would have written half the stuff in my book. Well, I'm writing a book on self-doubt right now. Well, because this is what the infinite mindset is all about. A finite mindset is win, win, win, be number one, be the best.
41:33Me, me, me. Win, win, win, meaning win at all costs, not win, win. Correct. Not win dash win. Not win, win, win. It's win, win, win. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the infinite game is you win, I win, the world wins. Right? We all win. Humanity wins. Right, it's a whirlwind. That's funny. It's not win, win, win. Right. So, right. So, we are players in infant games every day of our lives, whether we like it or not. There's no such thing as being number one in marriage. Like, good luck with that. Right. That's not going to work. There's no one who's declared the winner of life. Like, we come, we go. Like, if you make more money than somebody else, you're not the winner of life.
42:17Someday you just die and you don't take it with you. Yeah. You know? And there's no such thing as winning business or winning global politics. But if we listen to too many leaders they talk about being number one being the best and beating their competition This was this was me in my entire life. Yeah, it's a lot of feel like six seven years. I learned That doesn't work and you're an Olympian. Well, I haven't made the Olympics, but I'm only Olympic handball team Yes on the national team. Okay, whatever you're here at the highest levels of athletics Yes, and you know this from spending time with athletes as individual athletes I know it's all about where team athletes tend to be a lot healthier so like individual athletes when they reach the top of their game Michael Phelps, Andre Agassi they become the greatest in the world the next thing that happens to them is depression where as team athletes you win the World Series you win the Super Bowl it doesn't like deep depression is not the next thing that happens some people maybe but not in general but it's not in general and the you know Olympic athletes are such a unique and I talked to a bunch of them For this love a gymnast who are like 16 you have a billion people watching you win the gold medal Yeah, now what and it is one of the most selfish finite pursuits because the entire pursuit is I'm gonna be number one The gold medal right and they all say the same thing.
43:33I want to win the Olympics Well, you don't actually win the Olympics you win. Yeah, you know, but they all say the same thing I'm gonna win the Olympics right and and then they say nonsense like, you know, no one inspire all the little children And not a single one of them on their vision boards has pictures of little children overcoming adversity. You know, they have pictures of them standing on podiums, you know, holding medals, holding up trophies or the vision boards. It's entirely a selfish pursuit. Right. And any inspiration to little kids is just a lucky strike extra that's really good for the press conference.
44:08Right. Right. Right. But not a single one of them is waking up doing it for the kids. Right. I drag myself out of bed. I'm running in the rain. I missed Thanksgiving for the kids didn't happen never on any planet, right? It was for me, right? And so there's this you know whether they whether they metal or not When they when they're done even if they were Medalists when they're done with the Olympics and their ability to pursue they spent their entire lives from their childhood to adulthood Striving to be number one You know and let's be honest. They're not the best They're just better than everybody else that day that day which is really funny to me right which is you can get a gold medal in Pick and pick a sport ice skating and you fell in your routine, but if everybody else fell twice You're the best you're the best you're the winner, but you're not you're just better than everybody else in the competition because it's Fying that yeah, and finite has known players fixed rules and agreed upon objectives It's only the players, but it's not life and there's an imbalance Yes finite games are very important finite games and finite objectives are essential In an infinite game right but there but the infinite game is the context for those finite games I need to excel or or be the best here in order to X Right and recognize that this is not the end-all be-all the analogy for living with an infinite mindset is not about winning Right the better analogy is exercise, right?
45:39So how do you how do you how do you be a healthy person? Well, you have to eat? Well, you have to sleep get enough sleep You have to nurse your personal relationships and you have to exercise if you do some of those things You'll be healthier than doing none of those things, but you kind of have to do them all right living an infinite mindset is the same thing There's a series of practices do some you'll be better than none But you kind of have to do them all right right and the way the finite mindset Fits into it is I want to get into shape I've been sitting on the couch for most of my life watching TV I'm gonna get into shape and I have a fitness goal a finite goal that I can easily measure my weight I can look at a scale and I can measure the progress and I've made the goal that I'm gonna lose this amount of weight by this date And so I commit to a healthy lifestyle.
46:25I eat better I exercise more and getting more sleep and I'm watching the weight fall off and I miss my goal I don't lose the amount of weight that I wanted to lose by the best time. Yeah So what yeah You're still healthier and you're on your product on you're on the road to being healthier And I can see for a fact that you absolutely will hit the goal later on and even if you hit the goal The problem is you can't stop exercising you have to do it for the rest of your life Yeah, that's what an infinite mindset is an infinite mindset is more like a lifestyle, which is yes Absolutely having finite goals is very important.
47:00We are absolutely driven by goals. We like measuring things It is much easier to get into the lifestyle of exercise and the habit of it If I have metrics look at the insanity of Fitbits and things like that which overdone is actually unhealthy and has adverse obsessiveness. We'll talk you know It's not that the point is it's helping people get up and have a healthier lifestyle. We like measuring stuff It's just it's a human thing, right? But but it's not about winning. It's not about actually it's not actually about the goal the goal goals and Metrics are simply a way to help us measure speed and distance.
47:35I've lost this amount of weight over this amount of time Right you cannot run a marathon without mile markers. It's unnerving the mile markers help me measure how far I've gone yeah, how far I've gone and how fast have I gone and the metrics we have at work Help us measure how far we're moving and how fast we're moving towards a vision that is for all practical purposes unrealizable Right That's the infinite game. There's a context and so when we beat ourselves up because we miss an arbitrary number by an arbitrary date But the question is are we building a healthy organization? And I would rather organizations do all the right things to build a healthy organization even if they miss arbitrary dates One of my favorite stories is Gary Ridge from WD 40 WD 40 is a public company whose company It's a decent sized company, which is kind of incredible because it's basically oil basically Grace, it's you know, it's very sophisticated lubricant.
48:30They're actually made for the for the space program But by the way, we talked about you know fancy food and their offices for you They just moved into a new office recently their old offices Or a dump really and get the morale through the roof Why is that people love work because it was never about the office. It was about the people It's never about the office. It was about the people right anyway They have a lovely new office now, but still about the people that's why I said before it's you know Is it the food? Well depends on the company anyway, he was on one of his Quarterly analyst calls and hit one of the analysts said You missed your numbers and Gary said no, I didn't I missed your Minor minor fine Wow, right and that's the point Which is we there's nothing wrong with having metrics and goals those are very important human beings But to what end what are we serving?
49:23Bigger than ourselves, right? So my analogy is like a night as like an iceberg, right? So We know that the majority of an iceberg lies underneath the water So when there's a tiny tiny tiny bit of the iceberg sitting above the ocean, right? It's the visionary who can see beneath the ocean. It's the visionary who stands there. And even though everybody sees a tiny or nothing, they can see nothing. The visionary is able to explain what exists in their imagination only. Okay? It only exists in their imagination. And they inspire a few people to join them because, like, that's, yes, we can do that.
50:02And they start working, and a little bit of the iceberg shows. And a few people go oh it's gonna work And so they commit to joining the movement or the company and a little more of the iceberg shows Right and before too long enough of the iceberg shows that people can go. This is a real thing You're not insane and crazy what you're doing is actually in reality But the thing is the vast majority of the iceberg so it still exists under the ocean And so what the visionary does is constantly remind us where we're going and how much more we have to do and though we can celebrate how much we've achieved, how much of the iceberg is sticking up above the ocean, the reality is we have way more work and when I die, it's still going to be the majority underneath the ocean.
50:45And that's what the movement is all about. The metrics help us measure how fast and how far, how much of the iceberg we revealed, but the infinite game is understanding that the majority of our work still lies undiscovered.
51:00how can someone overcome that fear of you know a classmate laughing about them or saying oh that was a dumb question or just something maybe bigger than putting something out on social media and getting attacks or or whatever it might be how do people overcome that insecurity well i think do think we've taken a step back actually in in-person communication a huge step everything now is people are more comfortable in texting and communicating through social. And then when it comes to in-person, something's completely shifted. You can see people having a harder time communicating in person and everyone's kind of deviating towards typing, texting, or email.
51:39It's become the comfort space zone. What's the easiest way to communicate without... Text. Yeah, exactly. Text is the easiest. Email. So here's the thing. In-person is the best way to communicate, by the way whenever i can speak to somebody in person or sit down and see them like this this this is where you get the best the best is where you get magic right then there's zoo okay then there's the phone phone is another great way but when you go to email you still have to write you can but long form sentences you have to write properly texting is just a couple of words yeah and that is where everyone's kind of shifted to gone it's also the on an um when i text or when i post on social i'm not as it's keyboard courage i'm not you wouldn't say it to someone you never say to somebody's face i feel like you should only say things online with what you would say to that person yes face otherwise what are we doing yes if you can't look at somebody and say it, then you shouldn't write it.
52:39But it's the anonymity that I can write this stuff and then I can take out whatever's going on in my life out on somebody else and I can feel brave in that way. But it's such a false way to be brave. What does that do to the person communicating in that way, having that false bravery by saying something strong or powerful or aggressive online, but the unwillingness to do that in person what does that do to that person you have to check in with yourself and realize it's am I being a coward if I can't say something to somebody's face but I can do it over text there's something that's missing I think bravery is something that we don't speak about encourages something we don't speak about we don't do it in a very overt way in a very physical way in a very engaged way it's talked about as this like thing oh be brave be motivated well where is that you have to manifest that with your body you have to do it and it's doing it in the day-to-day decisions that you make so going back to my class it's interesting we talk about criminal justice right criminology and sometimes we'll talk about even being for example i showed them a video of somebody who fell on these new york city train tracks in new york city and there were all these people on the platform one person gets down to go help the person and so i asked them would you do that the majority of the class no no hell no no whoa i'm not gonna do that and i hear that and i think something is lost there amongst us when the answer at least i feel through my belief system again is that the overwhelming answer should be like i would want to help save another human being's life i would want to help save somebody else but we've come to this place where it's very much self-preservation don't say anything wrong don't do the wrong thing right and attack in a way that's safe and comfortable or not even attack but you can disagree and here's the other amazing thing i think we don't understand how to disagree so you can disagree or you can be competitive it's something actually that you're taught in interviewing and in uh interrogations is this are you trying to be competitive in interrogation or just so when i say competitive i mean that i can disagree with you in a healthy way so you call it competitive dialogue how does it look if i say you know the sky is green today okay well tell me why you think the sky is green it's just it just looks green you know i just see the color you know i don't know maybe it's a reflection of something but it's green it's not blue okay so now what I would do in that moment is ask you why you think of it that why why you see it that way what is your not disagreeing with me and say oh you know you're an idiot it's blue yes you're not doing that you're not getting like defensive or aggressive because that is your value system so I may for example I have a very strong belief system fitness and working out it's been part of me but that's my belief system it is not somebody else's if I try to impose it to somebody.
55:52So for example, when you hear somebody say, I have to lose weight, I have to lose weight, their belief system is not really based upon working out in fitness. So I can turn around and be very direct. And that's being direct with someone is the way you lose people. So what you want to do is you want to always let people talk, even if you don't like what they have to say, even if you don't agree with them, let them go, let them explain themselves. What happens when you let someone explain themselves, even when you know they're 100 % wrong. You shut up. You shut your mouth. That's like, I always say that.
56:25The gift to any great communicator is this. Let them go. Don't correct them. Don't tell them that they're wrong. Just let them be in their world. Now, here's the important thing. One, they're going to say everything they want to say. You're going to understand what their mindset is. And two things happen. One, you can speak now, because once somebody's done sharing everything, now they can hear you. Well, what you do is you're speaking, I cut you off, I insert myself, you get frustrated, hey, you're not listening to me, I'm talking, she's dismissing me. And so when I speak, you come back at me, I come back at you, and now we have conflict.
57:03And so, for example, when I used to do interviews, I would sit in rooms with people who... When you mean an interview, you mean an interrogation. Interrogations. I use, you know, it's interesting. You call them interviews, though. Interviews and interrogations are the same thing. So what you see in TV, in Law & Order, that you did it, you this, you that, that's garbage. It doesn't work. It does not work. The best confessions I've ever gotten, they've been almost like psychology sessions or conversations where people progressively over a bit of time give you what we call admissions. A little more, a little more.
57:37Yes. So it'll be like, yes, I was there at the house. Oh, yes, I was there at the time. Yes, I saw her. Or I saw him. Yes, I left upset. Yes, this. Yes, that. And then incrementally, they get to, you get to the confession. Yes, I did it. Whatever that is, right? Whereas we go straight, most people go straight for the kill. Tell me. And it's because of this lack of patience, this thing that we know everything. And, you know, maybe you are right in that moment, but it's not what you think. It's what the other person thinks, understanding how they think, getting into their head. and speaking to them.
58:14So now if we bring this back to what you asked me about, being competitive means I can compete with you in ideas without it being ugly, without being confrontational or conflict. But what we've done is we've made conflict the confrontation, this very negative thing. We don't want it. When it happens, people lose their minds. I have so many people reach out, especially when I do consulting. The question's always, how do I avoid confrontation? How do I avoid conflict? Why do you spend so much time avoiding it? Why do you spend so much time avoiding speaking what you want to say, speaking your truth or sharing your ideas?
58:57And why can you not present them in a way where there is disagreement, there is competitiveness. I compete, you compete. No, the sky is green. Well, I see it this way. Oh, I see it blue. But why do you see it this way? And you have that dialogue. But it's not an aggressive competitiveness. It's an open dialogue. It's not me being a jerk to show you how smart I am. Yeah. And it's not me shutting you down. And it's not me having an attachment to the end result. Me being right and me showing you how right I am. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness.
59:31Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.
1:00:10And now it's time to go out there and do something great.
From the publisher
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Shaolin Master Shi Heng Yi emphasizes the importance of balancing physical, mental, and spiritual well-being. He shares practical techniques for cultivating mindfulness, managing stress, and staying focused in a world filled with distractions. His teachings encourage listeners to reconnect with their inner selves, fostering a sense of purpose and direction.
Ed Mylett explains that visualizing success and using affirmations can rewire the subconscious mind, making it more receptive to self-assurance and optimism. He provides practical tips for incorporating these techniques into daily routines.
Simon Sinek addresses the role of mindset in cultivating confidence. He encourages listeners to adopt a growth mindset, which entails viewing failures and setbacks as opportunities for learning and improvement. By reframing their perceptions of challenges, individuals can avoid being paralyzed by fear and instead use adversity to fuel their confidence-building journey.
Evy Poumpouras’s insights on body language and nonverbal communication as tools for exuding confidence. She provides practical tips on using posture, gestures, and eye contact to convey self-assuredness in various situations, whether it's during public speaking, job interviews, or everyday interactions.
In this episode you will learn,
- 4 mindset hacks to gain more confidence.
- How to take control of negative emotions.
- The benefits of breathwork in high stress situations to regain confidence and poise.
- How to visualize the future of your dreams and confidently pursue your greatness.
- The common traits of all confident and successful leaders.
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Shi Heng Yi’s full episode: https://link.chtbl.com/1428-pod
Ed Mylett’s full episode: https://link.chtbl.com/1274-pod
Simon Sinek’s full episode: https://link.chtbl.com/1478-pod
Evy Poumpouras’s full episode: https://link.chtbl.com/1270-pod
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