How Fear Almost Killed Her (And What Saved Her Life) | Anita Moorjani

24:04Yes. Like if I have back pain, I don't have to feel my childhood wounds. We're going to get into that. The good news is that we all have what Dick Schwartz has coined is self with a capital S. And self is our adult, undamaged, resourced part of who we are. It's the truth of who we are. It's the spirit of who we are. It's the God within us. It is an energy. And self has eight C qualities. Compassion, calm, connection, creativity, courage, clarity, commitment. I'm missing one. I don't even I always miss a C. They're all in there. And connectedness, I think I got to them. We'll find the eight Cs in the book and we'll get these.

24:54Lewis Howes:Curiosity, compassion, calmness, clarity, creativity, connectedness, courage, and confidence. You know, it's so funny. Confidence is the one I always miss. But it's the one that I often feel we're quite connected to. So I won't forget confidence anymore. There you go. So I'm going to really try to keep it simple. So just think about it like you have an inner parent. So everyone has an inner parent. We all do. And let's just keep it simple. Let's keep it super simple. You know those times in your life when, let's say, Marta came to you and she was really struggling with something, and you just, your heart was filled up with compassion.

25:25No matter how extreme the thing that happened to her, you just felt connected to her. You were a calm presence for her. You had deep compassion for her experience. You had clarity on how to communicate. You felt like you had the courage to speak up for what was true. And that really just, it wasn't even what you said, but it was that presence alone that helped her. Yes. You know what I'm talking about. Yes, of

25:50Lewis Howes:course. That's self energy. With a capital S. With a capital S. And the thing is - The adult self. It's your true self. Yes. It's your essence. There's a really beautiful quote in the book that I share that's about how self is like the sun behind the clouds. And it's there, but the clouds are just in the way. So self has always been there, right? You feel self in Shavasana. You feel self after a long run. You feel self. We're in self right now. This is our creative force, right? We're in the flow. We have so much connection. We have so much creativity, right? We have clarity about what we're talking about.

26:37This is self-energy right here. Like if you're watching and you're feeling elevated, excited, calm, soothed, that's because our self-energy is coming through the screen or through the audio. And so we all have it. It's that we have to release the blocks to the presence of it.

26:54Lewis Howes:And how we release the blocks is how. From college send-offs to retirement dreams, life is filled with many important milestones and making sure you have a plan in place to protect the people you love can give you confidence for whatever comes next. State Farm Life Insurance can help protect your family's financial well-being through life's milestones. Your State Farm agent can help you choose flexible coverage you can adjust as your family's needs change. Contact your local State Farm agent today. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Who knew Walmart business could help a thriving office motivate their employees?

27:30Lewis Howes:Pamela knew. She uses Walmart business to get the assortment of items her team needs at the prices she loves. As the office manager, it's my job to make sure my team stays on top of their game. I can get the basics like cleaning supplies and paper towels. But what they really care about, snacks. And she can get everything they need when they need it. Greg loves wheat crackers, Brenda Crave sour candy, and Max, oh boy. He needs protein bars and milk and applesauce and jerky. It's Walmart, built for your business. Who knew? Modern enterprise. That's a lot of moving parts. Comcast Business helps you orchestrate it all.

28:03Lewis Howes:With SD-WAN working at scale to keep 150 hospital locations connected and working as one. Plus SASE and Zero Trust Security, protecting financial data across a bank's 2 ,000 branches. And AI-powered networking that optimizes traffic across five continents. No one does business like Comcast Business. So. Is that through the core beliefs of like understanding core beliefs? It's a four-step practice that I put in the book. It's a four-step practice. Okay. Yeah. The whole book. So what I've done is I've taken this huge therapy, internal family systems therapy, super in the zeitgeist right now. God bless.

28:41It's the most valuable healing modality, particularly for trauma. And it's the kind of thing that I felt only people that were going to find their way to IFS therapists were going to get this. And I was sitting at a dinner with Dick Schwartz. I hosted a dinner for him. Just again, he's the founder of IFS. started this about 40, 43 years ago, 44 years ago. And I'm sitting next to Dick. And this was shortly after I'd taken the training and we'd become friends. And I looked at him and we're at a dinner. I'm hosting for him. And it's like having Lady Gaga at my house. And I look at him and I'm like, I don't have to tell you something.

29:14I'm scared to tell you this, but I want to write a book called Self-Help. Self-Help. And I want to make IFS self-help. And he looked at me, his eyes just like widened. And he was like, I've always wanted somebody to do that. And in the foreword, he says, you know, I've always been looking for that person with the self-help spiritual bona fides and then Gabby's here.

29:39Lewis Howes:Wow, that's cool. And so that's one of the greatest privileges of my life is to take someone else's body of work and translate it. Right. And you created the four-step process for this. The four-step is not IFS. It's an IFS informed self-help practice. And that's really important for me to say, Louis, because if you're going into IFS therapy, you have a therapist with you. You're doing a six-step inquiry, almost like an interview with the parts. It's like an unburdening process. You can work with firefighters and exiles. And I am not doing that. I am not a therapist. I'm a spiritual self-help author and teacher.

30:13I am trained in internal family systems therapy, but I'm not a therapist. So it was really important for me to take this and make it IFS informed. So there's four steps.

30:25Lewis Howes:IFS approved. IFS approved, IFS informed. It's backed with Dick's blessing. And it's the way that you can take this model into your own hands. Safely. Safely is a really important point. Yes. Because I'm not trying to guide you to those exiled parts. The book is not trying to work with firefighters. That would be, and I say all throughout the book, like if this happens, if you're with a firefighter, There's an XIL. Go. Here's an IFS therapist registry. Go find somebody. But I'm trying to help you access these managers, the extreme parts that are with you all the time, day to day. And through a four-step inquiry, let's self-help.

31:14Lewis Howes:Okay. So let me know when you're ready for it. Yeah, I'm ready to go. I'm just so excited about this. This is my first real interview about this, so it's very thrilling to me. Questions before I go on? Well, there's something you said in chapter three about core beliefs, because I think a lot of people hear about their behaviors and beliefs and that we have this, a block based on our beliefs, whether that's a childhood belief or a current belief as an adult. And you say that the hard truth is that although we can make surface level adjustments to our actions, true change can only happen when we heal from within and address the core beliefs that block us from manifesting the life we desire.

31:55Lewis Howes:So I guess, would this four-step process help us address the core beliefs that are blocking us in manifesting what we want? Exactly. And if so, then what is that process? Okay. So first of all, 100%, that's exactly the answer. This is the four-step process. The other thing is, is how many personal development programs have we sat in where someone's like, oh, you have limiting beliefs and the limiting beliefs are blocking you. then you're like, how the do I get rid of these limiting beliefs, right? Like you never leave and you're like, okay, I know the playbook, right? For changing. Maybe you have a little tip here or manifesting tool there.

32:31And look, you know, I've written, this is my 10th book. So I have nine other books with other practices, which all work, all are valuable, all have their own purpose, right? Particularly spiritual practices in these other books. And they all are bringing you to self for sure. But this is addressing the actual neural redirection in the brain. Because when you practice this four-step method, what's happening is you're rewiring your experience and your relationship to these parts of who you are.

33:05Lewis Howes:So you're connecting higher self currently to the self that was destructive or harmed or the manager. To the parts. The parts. Yeah. The manager or firefighter parts of you. That's correct, baby. That cause stress or anxiety or control or perfectionism or whatever it might be. You're taking all these little people inside of you that have these belief systems that are holding you back and you're bringing the internal parent of self to them to help them. So it's almost like we have these, we have multiple personalities or memories or people in us, which is weird to say. We don't even have to say it.

33:36They're just parts of us and parts of who we are.

33:40Lewis Howes:And there are some parts that are wounded that we get to heal. And the more of those parts that we can have a higher relationship with, a more harmonious relationship with. Harmonious is the word. That's right. If you can create a harmonious relationship from the higher self of you to the wounded self parts of you, then things are going to start to flow better in your life. Oh, well, yeah. In every area. Well, because think about it like this. It's like my controller part, I've done so much work with her. You can gender these parts of you. They have no gender. They could have the opposite gender.

34:14It doesn't like sort of whatever is intuitive for you. My parts are female. So I have that controller part that you knew for so long or the anxiety part, right? Even to think about where we were maybe 10 years ago in these conversations to where I am with you right now and how much more self-energy you feel in this moment. It's going to make me cry. It means so much to me that you've been there with me.

34:34Lewis Howes:It's been like, what, 13, 14 years? 14 years. 15 years maybe since I've met you. 2008, I met you. And when you first met me, I was like parts on fire, right? Like literally on fire. I was a workaholic. Both of us, yeah. Really extreme. Really extreme. I was sober, but like workaholism. I was just extreme anxiety. Didn't know that I had trauma, so I was living in hypervigilance. I was so scared all the time. I was so controlling. It was just like I was doing. You can still be going through hard things and do beautiful things in the world. Yeah, you still get results in life. Yeah, and do good. But you might be having a lot of struggle, right?

35:10And so as a result of this model and what I'm going to teach everybody today and living this and developing this and practicing this and every day checking in with these parts of me, checking in with these parts of me, I've unburdened them. And so it's not that they go away. It's that they're not extreme anymore.

35:29Lewis Howes:Interesting. So the parts that were wounded are still inside of you. They're no longer wounded. they're in their beautifully developed chrysalis for instance the part of me that was a controller that part did good things she wrote 10 books in 14 years took action, got things done but now she can be in the flow now she can be like I don't have to force my way to get this thing I'm like oh you know what I'm going to be in LA does that work, I'll be there I can show up with an energy she's on top but she's but she's trusting she's not forcing not forcing anything she's just relaxed like in the presence so it's still like so it's like a really great quality to have that control part present because she gets things done but without craziness right right right chaos okay so these parts of us that once controlled us or hurt us to try to protect us because they all had an intention to serve us, but they didn't help the self really at our highest self.

36:36They're blocking self.

36:37Lewis Howes:They're blocking self, but they're an attempt to try to protect us. Totally. These parts of us, when we can have a relationship, a harmonious relationship with them through healing and mending those wounds, then we can use them for good. That's correct. Yeah. You're so great at like digesting and bringing it back. Yeah. It's beautiful. That self right there in action, clarity. Clarity is one of those qualities of self. So you have such a good job of listening, thinking, pulling it together and bringing it back. And it sounds like we could, you know, by doing the self-help work and by following this four-step process that we're going to cover in a second and just going through the book, it sounds like when we can start to have a different relationship with these parts of us that have caused us pain and suffering but also try to protect us, if we can start to have a new relationship by mending those relationships, it can get a lot better.

37:24Lewis Howes:But it doesn't mean those things can come back at some point if we don't keep having a relationship with them in a healthy way. So you might be six months, I feel better. But then something triggers you and you go back to the wounded part of you that says, I don't feel safe. You need to control this. You need to protect this. You need to be a perfectionist in this moment, whatever it is, hypervigilance. And so it's a constant relationship and a conversation of checking in, it sounds like. It's called the check-in process. Okay, cool. Check-in. All right, here we go. And I like that because everybody has a few minutes to check in, right, or a few seconds to check in throughout the day.

37:58And the simplicity of it being this four steps of checking in with the part makes it such that you can have this relationship to the part rather than why are you doing this? It's why the pain, right? That's what Gabor Mata always says, not why the addiction, why the pain. And so by every moment when you notice a trigger or you have this space in your body to see, oh, I'm out of alignment right now. In those moments checking in are these moment-to-moment experiences of presence with bringing self to these parts. So I'll break it down for you.

38:45Lewis Howes:Give me a specific example in your life that may be a part of you that comes up sometimes that causes you anxiety or stress or. And how I would do the steps. Yeah, your team are like, oh, Gabby's in that mode. Her part of her, you know, is coming out in this moment, you know, okay. They're watching right now. They're like, oh, you sure you already know that? She's being a perfectionist or she's over controlling or she's not, whatever it is. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So whatever that part is for you that maybe has tended to come up a lot in the past. Can you give me an example of how you could use this while you're sharing what these four steps are?

39:16Okay. So the protector that's freaking out, right? She's freaking out because something isn't going the way she wants, right? So she's the freaking out protector. I'm actually doing a lot of work with her in therapy right now, so it's nice. And I do IFS therapy, so of course. And she's having a freak out, like, you know, some email isn't good or like the things aren't working as fast. team's not working as fast as possible or if she feels like she has a burden belief right this freak out girl her belief is if i don't do it nobody else will zang and so she is maybe just like and she has also has another and i'm cursing a lot but just bleep me okay but she has another phrase that she says it's like what the is going on here and when i think about her i think about okay so let me give you the check-in process so let's say i notice she's coming in, she's showing up and I'm like, uh, I notice her.

40:13I have enough awareness to be like, she's here. She needs help. So I need self to help self help me. I'll say that again. I need self to help self help me. I have that awareness. I choose to check in. Step one, choose to check in. Make a choice. Yes, because remember, parts are like little children. So if you try to force something on a little child, like if I try to go to Ollie and say to him, bro, what the hell is going on? You seem upset. Let's talk about it. He's like, no, mommy, like get away, mommy. Right. So there has to be some buy-in. Okay. So there's some buy-in and I'm going to choose to check in.

40:56Lewis Howes:So is that the adult self choosing to check in or is that the child self choosing to check in? It's both. Okay. So it's, it's the choice is itself like quality, but the part has to make the choice. So it's like what you said with your son, if he's not willing to reciprocate, like saying, let's talk about what's going on. And he's like, no, screw you, mommy, or whatever he's saying, then that's not a check-in. Both parts need to check in. Yeah. It has to be my presence of self and his willingness. Willingness to receive or talk. Openness, yeah. Not that your son would say, screw you, mommy, but I'm just saying.

41:32Lewis Howes:You never know. You never know. We would say 16. Six years old, they might say things like this. He would say, screw you, mommy. So, who makes me think of Cartman? Do you know that I do a really good Cartman? Skiggy, man. I'm getting hit. That's good. I'm really good at it. Choose to check in. So, choose to check in, detour from Cartman. Choose to check in. So, you have this awareness that the part's triggered and you're saying, okay, I'm going to choose to check in right now. So you, you, step one, that's it, choose. And if you know that you feel that buy-in, like, okay, the part's ready to go, we can get, we can keep going, right?

42:07Choosing to check in is also just sometimes even having the awareness that you need to check in, because that's like step one. Step two is curiosity. Become curious. These are all C qualities, remember, right? So it's like acting as if. And so the curiosity is start, so I'm in this place where the this this manager is up and she's like what the f**k is going on here nobody I have to do everything nobody else will do it and so I choose to check in with her and I become curious and I start to notice the feelings and the thoughts and the sensations inside as you're asking her questions like where do you feel that in your body and she's like I'm not breathing and there's tension in my chest and I start to say you know what kind of thoughts or sensations and her thoughts are like, what the fuck is going on here?

42:54Lewis Howes:Why is this happening? And I ask her for any images or visions. And she shows me my six-year-old self in my dining room with my pigtails. And I'm screaming, no bumps, no bumps. Because the only way that I could find control in this out of control life that I had was to control the bumps in my pigtails. To make your hair look perfect. Right. And so she's, so this girl that's now, this adult that's screaming, what the is going on here is the little girl, this is the vision she shows me, the little girl screaming no bombs with the pigtails. So I start having all the, I flash out this information about her.

43:31You can see I'm like, I could tear up as I think about her. And that connection that you, can you feel that connection I'm having with her right now?

43:37Lewis Howes:Yes. That connection shows me that there's some self-energy here. Okay. And so as soon as you start to feel some kind of connection to that part, the third step happens. And by the way, you can spend as much time as you want in curiosity. You can just ask more questions. Let the parts speak. The parts want to speak. Step three, compassionate connection. So I can look at that little girl and I can ask her, little Gabby, what do you need right now? And right away, she'll speak back. She'll say, you know, at times she said things like, I need a mom. or I need to rest, or I need to play, I need to scream.

44:27I need, you know, they're just speaking for what they need, right? I need to speak up. I need to be heard. And so the little voice gets to speak up and say what they need. And once that response comes through internally, the fourth step is to check for C qualities of self. So you scan your inner system and you ask yourself, Do I feel any connection? Yes, right now in this moment, I just did the check-in with little Gabby and I feel connected to her. Do I feel compassion? Holy, right now I feel so much compassion for her. Do I feel clarity? Yes, she just showed me, it's a little girl, right? She showed me exactly where she was.

45:03I feel clear what she needs. Do I feel calm? I feel calm, even more calm right now just having done that check-in process out loud with you. Connected, oh yes. Courageous, much more courageous. Clarity, I think I said. Confidence. I got confidence.

45:20Lewis Howes:The one that you're remembering now, confidence. Creativity. Yes. Check for Cs. Even if you just have one C quality of self show up, you feel a little bit more calm. You feel a little bit more compassionate. You feel a little more connected. You've done the four steps. You've done the four steps even if you just get to check in, to choose to check in. Just even the decision to check in for two seconds is the check-in process. Because if you're not starting step one, then you're just going to stay in fight or flight. Yeah. You know, control freak anxiety or whatever your manager is is doing. Well, your manager won't have enough of a pause to pivot because the manager is, we can become blended with the managers, which means we believe that we are that, right?

46:02Those times in your life when you get so worked up, right, and you're so, that you're like, I am the only one that can do this. Or, you know, the only way to live life is to fight back and tell everybody else that they're wrong. It's the only way to live. And if anybody challenges that, they're gone. Right? So we're blended with these parts. So the only way to start this check-in process is to slightly unblend by choosing to check-in.

46:29Lewis Howes:Interesting. Because otherwise you are those parts in that moment. Yeah. And there's going to be plenty of times when we're so blended that we can't do the check-in until two hours later, two days later, two months later. Until you can reflect. You take a nap. You sleep. Yeah. You can check-in hours later. You're out of the environment. Most of the time when people start this work, they're going to find themselves the next day being like, ooh, what happened there? And then just check in, right? But you should start with little – that's why I want to work with managers because this is about a process, right?

46:56It's like making it a habit. Do it with the small moments, right? So like just this morning, you know, like, or yesterday, right? I arrived in LA. I was like kind of overwhelmed by the energy. I didn't love like the view out of my hotel room. This sounds like a luxury problem, but like the energy is really important for me.

47:17Lewis Howes:Yeah, you're staying on a wall or something. I'm staring at like a Chase Bank. And I was just like, where? You know, I was like in this. And then you're like, you know, I want to have a good vibe right now. And so I was seeing that controller come in. and she wasn't too bad but she did ask my my assistant to call five other hotels and like you know very lovingly asked you know and at night and she's like i don't want to ever come back to la like she's like and so instead of like actually i did fire off an email to my pre-art team was like cancel the october trip and then i was like okay so i came back and i rewrote an email i was like don't cancel the october trip and then i checked in with her wow right before wow okay and so she wasn't like that's just like this is a day-to-day thing that normally we're just acting out in these ways and we don't actually you know maybe we come out of it because we just got some logic but we never tend to it and so I was like oh what do you need honey and so I just checked in with her and I just heard her and she's like I just want to feel like warm and safe and I just want to feel like I've got a good energy around me and what do I need right now like I need to find the right place to land when I get here.

48:26And I need to just sort of sort those things out. And I started to feel calmer as I checked for those seed qualities. And so this is where the manifesting comes in. From college send-offs to retirement dreams, life is filled with many important milestones. And making sure you have a plan in place to protect the people you love can give you confidence for whatever comes next. State Farm Life Insurance can help protect your family's financial well-being through life's milestones. Your State Farm agent can help you choose flexible coverage you can adjust as your family's needs change. Contact your local State Farm agent today.

49:01Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

49:06Lewis Howes:Modern enterprise. That's a lot of moving parts. Comcast Business helps you orchestrate it all. With SD-WAN working at scale to keep 150 hospital locations connected and working as one. Plus SASE and Zero Trust Security, protecting financial data across a bank's 2 ,000 branches. And AI-powered networking that optimizes traffic across five continents. No one does business like Comcast Business. Okay. So she calmed down last night, okay? She slept great. That's good. She woke up. She's like, I'm going to see Lewis today. she worked out it was like 5 a.m because I'm on east coast I was like let's go work out I was feeling great I sat down here I had makeup done I was like super chill and I'm like you know I think my makeup artist who met Christina and I was like you know Christina I'm like I like had this whole drama yesterday I'm like all I really want is like high vibe energy super connected I want to I want to find my hotel in LA I have to be out here all the time I want to just make it my home like leave a toothbrush like I want that and then like I'm coming back in October and I really want to have like a retreat-y vibe for two days because I need to write when I'm here and it's a weekend when I'm here.

50:19I'm like, this is what I want. And I was like, it'll happen. Like the universe is going to deliver it. I call our mutual friend, Jeff Krasno.

50:26Lewis Howes:Cause I was like, Oh, he's got an amazing question. I got the hit. I was like, you know, she's called Jeff, right? He's got the whole commute. It's a sanctuary. I was calling him about something totally different. Okay. I called Jeff and I'm like, Hey, what the, and then I was like, Oh, you know what? As I'm talking to him, I'm like, I'm like, cause call me about getting on the podcast. I was like, hey, what bro? I'm like, wait, when I come in LA, you're going to be doing a retreat in Topanga. And I was like, wait a second. I'm like, let me come for two days in Topanga. Like, is there a place for me to write?

50:53And can I like come do yoga with Skylar? And can I like, can you take your class and eat food with you guys? And he's like, of course you can. And I was like, and then I was like, wait a second, hold on. So I just found my two days, my little retreat to go write. Right. And then I look at my calendar. I'm like, wait a second. I have a podcast interview in Topanga on Friday. Some of the guys showing up in Topanga. And then I'm on the phone with Jeff, and he's like, you've got to call Robin Burzin. She's in L.A. Call Burzin right now. She's staying at the Soho house. I was like, wait a second. I'm a member at the Soho house.

51:20There's a Soho house here? Yeah. And all of a sudden, I thought there was no hotel. So I'm like, hold on a second. So I call Robin. She's like, get in the hotel. I call the hotel. There will be one room left. Get in the hotel. I was saving so much money going over to this other hotel that I want to be with one of my best friends tonight. I find my hotel that I want. luxury thing, but look how fast the manifesting was. And then boom, I was in the flow. Here I am. And I've got this whole next trip in October, totally sorted with the trip to Topanga, the hotel that's going to make me feel safe, the community I want to be with, the creative space to do my writing.

51:55Now, did a controlling type A person make that happen? No. A creative, calm, connected curious right compassionate we keep forgetting curiosity is self energy curiosity

52:12Lewis Howes:compassionate it was just like curious right curiosity said let me call Krasno and see if he can do a podcast and let me ask you about Topanga right hello sounds stupid but that but my makeup artist was like that all just fell into place like a domino in 30 minutes like that feels really weird to me I was like this is how it was this morning that was right before I came out wow and so like but that whole like boom boom boom boom boom working out the details, that's how life is meant to be. We're meant to be in the flow and the awe and the synchronicity of self. Yes. You talk about, in one of your books, becoming a super attractor.

52:47Lewis Howes:How can we become a super attractor by applying this method? Because it sounds like you applied the method and you wouldn't have been able to figure this out if you were in stress and control and manager freak out, control freak mode. You know, that little part of you is back in that, like it needs to be a perfect pigtails or whatever. So how can you attract abundantly without managing the parts of us that are wounded? So we wouldn't want to manage the parts of us. We'd want to bring self. We wouldn't let self help them. Right. Just for language purposes. Um, so it's not managing them. Right. Cause managers are managing.

53:22Lewis Howes:You can't manage the managers. Yeah. You can't, that's correct. Managing the managers is like when the firefighters come in or, you know, that's right that's man you're really getting it it's so cool um people might have to listen to this episode twice or read the book right read the book right it's all there so um there's no way that you can manifest effortlessly unless you have tended to these protector parts because you might have a lot of things you can create in your life but you're up or limiting yourself you're going to hit ceilings glass ceilings you won't be able to break through certain levels Yeah.

53:57Because your sheer will can get you some of the way there and whatever. And you may have a little bit of moments where that creative flow comes in, but then you just sort of block it again. But to live in the flow.

54:08Lewis Howes:Effortless. To say it and it will be. This morning, I would like a retreat center and a home base in LA. And 30 seconds later, clarity and curiosity, call Jeff, get curious, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Because manifesting isn't about just sitting around, nothing happens. You're doing. But to be a super attractor and to be a co-creator, you have to dwell in the energy of creativity. You have to be calm. You have to be faithful, right? You have to be connected. You have to be courageous to take the action with that flow energy. You have to be curious about what's possible. You have to be creative, absolutely creative, creative, creative, creative.

54:53You cannot be judging yourself. You have to be compassionate toward every part of who you are. And so we are all super attractors. We all have self in us. We all have the ability to live with ease no matter what our circumstances might be. But there are absolutely some of us who have far more privilege than others. Let's be real about that, right? Like for those of us that are in Western cultures, those of us who can watch this podcast right now, we have privilege. And those of us who have that privilege, it is our responsibility to do the self-help work, to clean up our side of the street, to get more flow in our life.

55:23because in that flow, we can serve more people.

55:25Lewis Howes:Yes, that's true. And isn't it amazing? And I'm sure people watching or listening right now have had those moments. I'm sure everyone has had those moments where like, God, I feel just like things aren't working and I'm frustrated, but then you get centered. Maybe you didn't know you were doing some of these steps, but you get re-centered and you say, in a world of possibilities, what can I create? And you call a friend and you say, I'm struggling with this thing. And it's like, who do we know that could help with this? Let's start brainstorming. You start to get creative. You don't even know you're doing these steps where you start to say, like, we need to find a solution.

55:56Lewis Howes:Who do we know? Who can we call? Who can do this for us? Who can support us? And you kind of naturally do these things, right? I feel like everyone watching or listening has probably had those moments where it's like, wow, a synchronicity came up or the idea to call this person like you did came up and everything fell into place. Yes. And I think the goal with this book, which I'm understanding, is to give people the tools on how to do that every single day. Make that the norma. The norm, not like this happened like twice a year. And he was, yeah. You know, for most people, it's like once a year maybe.

56:28Yeah, because it's an important point. We all have self, we have moments of self, but we live in protectors.

56:34Lewis Howes:Yes. And so the more self-help that we do, in this case, you know, IFS-informed self-help that we do, that I'm suggesting, the more our protectors start to become unburdened, the more harmonious we feel inside. And when we start to feel that inner balance and that inner harmony and that inner connection and that inner clarity and calmness, our life just becomes this happy dream. Here's something that I've realized, which most, I mean, most of my life that you've known me, I was like working my butt off to create and to generate results. and I was getting them right in the New York Times bestseller and all these different things happen just like you.

57:18Lewis Howes:It's like we're able to build businesses and launch stuff and do things. But I remember feeling like I was a six or a seven out of a 10, like internally, you know, consistently. I was like living my, and sometimes like four, you know, three or four. And I was like, I don't know how I'm able to get these results. Feeling so emotionally drained, feeling disconnected at times, feeling frustrated or anxious or obsessive or whatever the feelings I was feeling, the parts of me that were coming out. And I remember just thinking, God, I wonder what life would be like if I was at like an eight, nine or 10 consistently internally with self, but also in relationship with, you know, an intimate partner, which I would never had a really healthy relationship with.

58:03Lewis Howes:And I'm not here to talk about previous relationships or blame anyone. It was more my work that I needed to do. It was your parts, right? Can you see how that really burdened parts were attracting people that stayed in relationships that was afraid to get out? Acting out in that pattern. Yeah. But the thing that I've noticed that, man, life has gotten so good when you can create that self-help for self and you can blend it with another person who's also doing that work. It is magic. It is like, I don't know, a magical potion that you just there, there isn't a day that goes by where Martha and I don't look at each other and where we look at each other, where we say, God, life is incredible.

58:48It's almost daily.

58:50Lewis Howes:Now there is still life that's happening. There's, she's gone through some extreme challenges earlier this year, you know, uh, family members having some, some different pains and sicknesses and diseases, and there's still life that's happening. There's still bad things that are happening and grief and sadness and loss and anxieties. But for the most part, we're able to bring it back to the higher self. Even while being in those emotions of sadness and fear and anxiety that happen in life and frustrations in business or whatever it might be. But we're able to bring it back to self, individually and together.

59:28Lewis Howes:And when you can blend it in a relationship, from my experience, what I've noticed, just your super, your two super attractors that are attracting and manifesting together, it is unbelievable. And life feels like anything is possible. And it's also like anything is possible and I don't need anything else. That's right. It's like more is coming. And if it doesn't come, I'm so happy without it. You're defining the dream scenario, which isn't a dream. Let's not call it a dream, the way it's supposed to be, right? What we all have the capacity of having. And what it is, is two humans who have done a tremendous amount of self-help work in whatever form that came, that healed and got to a place of core safety inside.

1:00:16And when two safe humans come together, magic can happen.

1:00:21Lewis Howes:And you can create. And you keep doing the self-help work, right? It's not like you're still curious every day. What more can I do? How can I help little Lewis. What can I do? Like the, the, the part, the part of you that was actually so successful, but at a six or a four, you were living with self-like qualities. Right. So it was almost like you can be, you can feel creativity here. You can feel that connection. It's not as flowing, not as consistent. It's not, you know, it's not, it's not harmonious. Right. But it's still great. And it's still there. And, and that's the way many successful people live.

1:00:55It's like, you're Like this thing is all great here, but I still feel like inside. You know what I mean? So and that's very common. But I want to sort of make people feel feel seen in this conversation right now, which is that we all have exiles. We all have protectors. We all have lived and we'll we'll see them. But the more the reality, the bottom line is the promises that the more you tend these young parts of yourself inside and care for them, starting with a book like this, and then maybe taking it to therapy, and then whatever it is, maybe it's not my books and somebody else's, whatever that is, going deep into the inner healing.

1:01:35The more free you are inside, the more free your life becomes. The more free flowing, the more you attract, the more you manifest, and the more steady, stable, and safe you are when big.

1:01:48Lewis Howes:Consistently. I'll give an example recently i had my event summit of greatness recently and um esther perel i'm interviewing esther on stage at one point and we had a massive mess up in terms of the production we had this has never happened to be in seven or eight years of doing this event and um we we have this whole introduction you've spoken at my event we have this whole introduction with the music yeah yeah it's the best fire the smoke and the video the person on screen are supposed to come out and we played the video and Esther wasn't ready. So the whole video, people are screaming for her cheering and Matt backstage is like, she's not ready.

1:02:28Lewis Howes:Oh my God. Oh my God. And there was a part of me, I go back and I look at that while everyone's standing ovation, there's no one on stage. And I just think to myself, well, it's an opportunity. I go, the show must go on. And how can I show up? You know, how can I show up as a higher self and not a frustrated part of me? Right. How can I show up and make the most of this? And so I go out on stage and I go, hey, guys, you know, I made a mistake. And, you know, I'm Mr. Perel. I kind of made a joke. I go, I'm Mr. Perel. I made a mistake. Esther's not ready. So we're going to do this all over again in a little bit when she comes back.

1:03:06Lewis Howes:Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. And just to let you guys know that life doesn't always happen perfectly. And there's certain things that are under your control. And you just try to own the moment and make the most of it. That's the whole thing. and even though it felt like this massive breakdown and it was in terms of what we wanted to create yeah i know that i could go into my wounded part of me that is frustrated that someone on my team didn't get the right cue or we messed up the timing or someone wasn't paying attention or or i wasn't doing the right thing whatever it is i could have gone right into blame frustration anger perfectionism like you need to look a certain way embarrassment shame like oh know, Esther's going to feel angry at me.

1:03:46Lewis Howes:I don't know. Whatever these younger parts of me that felt wounded. But quickly, I was just like, how can we manage this the best way possible? And how can I serve people? And so I went back on stage and I said, I'm here to serve. And we did like a 10 minute Q &A until I got the cue that she was ready. And we did it all over again. And it was fun. And Esther on stage, when we were doing the interview, she didn't really know this was happening. She was in her green room. But on stage, she was like, what is a part of you that is, you know, evolved or that used to be something that would, would affect someone in a relationship with you that would be maybe unbearable or something.

1:04:24Lewis Howes:And I said, well, this all happened just now. And there was also like noise happening in the background behind stage was very distracting. Like, I don't know who it was, but people were like making noise and things were slamming while we're on stage during this interview. And I said, the old part of me would have probably stopped this interview in front of 4 ,000 plus people and like screamed at people in the back. They're like, guys, what are you doing? Shut up. You know, we're in the middle of this, like be quiet. Like five, eight years ago, the old me, I would have freaked out on people for like messing things up behind the scenes, whatever it is.

1:04:57Lewis Howes:The old part of me would have done that. But the new part of me is just like managing it in my mind and just saying, it's all going to be okay. You You know, there's some disturbance. They're going to handle it. Don't try to control it all. Be as present as I can be. It's not exactly the way I want it to be, but be as present as I can be and serve. It just went back into service. How can I serve even though it's not perfect? Even though it's uncomfortable, even though there's disturbances, even though it didn't flow the right way, how can I get back to service? And I felt myself very calm. I didn't feel like angry or frustrated.

1:05:30Lewis Howes:that I was like annoyed, but I didn't go back into the wounded part of me that would freak out. Because you've unburdened that part of yourself. Yeah. Because you've brought so much self-energy to him, to that part. And it feels, you know, again, in those moments, there's stressful moments that you're like, oh, I don't like this. Yeah. But you don't have to react to it. Well, that's actually one of the benefits of starting to have more access to self, right? Because remember, we all have self. So it's not like you're getting something. You're just creating more access to it. Capital self, right?

1:06:00Yeah. Self-energy, that energy of calm connection, compassion, curiosity, right? So that calmness that you had there was a result of you having done all this great transformational work on yourself. And so now as this adult resource, beautiful soul, not just like a literal adult, right? Because you are an adult, but like there's just sort of this like new nature.

1:06:18Lewis Howes:Emotional adult. Yeah. Correct. You can care for yourself in different ways. You feel less burdened. You're not as extreme or reactive. And so when things that used to burden you happen, you can actually be more calm in those experiences. And that's because you've established a stronger access to self-energy. And we, like I said, we never lose self. We've just blocked it. It's been the sun behind the clouds. And I want to make sure I quote the right person. I think it was Stephen Krantz. The sun behind the clouds. And we start to release those clouds and the sun starts to shine. And so in that presence of that sun that you live in, that light that you live in now, these annoying situations can happen and you can actually turn them into magic and gold.

1:07:02Give people an extra Q &A, witness yourself in a transformation, use it as a tool.

1:07:10Lewis Howes:A teaching moment or whatever it is. And I also want to point out, you can do all this work and all this work and still freak out, right? So like the other day, we're in your studio and I was sort of in my old, it was in a studio I work in New York initially the lighting so and I walked in and like the controller was hardcore and I love the people that work there they're so beautiful but I was just like this lighting's crap like fix this lighting it's making me look like a skeleton like I don't like this I this is like I might as well I was like kind of in that place I might as well not even a little girl right I might as well not even you why am I even shooting the video I should just do the audio like this is bad we have to fix this and then I calmed down I did it checked in checked in I went into the back room.

1:07:45I checked in, came back. I said, guys, it's totally freaking out. And I'm still quite serious about the lighting. And it's something I really want to fix. And I'm actually going to move some lights around right now with your permission. But, and I'm going to send an email personally and from my producer to the studio because I want to work on this situation. It's a problem, but it's not, you know, but you guys are great. And like, I love you. And I thank Thank you for bearing with me. By your fault, yeah, yeah. Thank you for letting me be controlling in that moment and just being so calm in my presence, even whatever.

1:08:17So you're going to have, it's your comeback rate, right? I walked in and I was in this attitude of like, what the is going on here, right? The little girl, pigtails. Yeah. And I tracked in, came back new. Yeah. From college send-offs to retirement dreams, life is filled with many important milestones and making sure you have a plan in place to protect the people you love can give you confidence for whatever comes next. State Farm Life Insurance can help protect your family's financial well-being through life's milestones. Your State Farm agent can help you choose flexible coverage you can adjust as your family's needs change.

1:08:56Contact your local State Farm agent today. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

1:09:03Lewis Howes:Modern enterprise. That's a lot of moving parts. Comcast Business helps you orchestrate it all. With SD-WAN working at scale to keep 150 hospital locations connected and working as one. Plus SASE and Zero Trust Security protecting financial data across a bank's 2 ,000 branches. And AI-powered networking that optimizes traffic across five continents. No one does business like Comcast Business. I think that's really interesting what you said because we're all human beings. we're going to have human moments. It's when someone is willing to take accountability, that's when you have more respect for that person and trust for that person.

1:09:44Lewis Howes:Absolutely. You know, and hopefully we can catch ourselves within five to 20 minutes or whatever. And Jake, listen, I had a freak out moment. That's right. I own it. I apologize. It's not about you guys. I was doing my own stuff. And when you can do that, you can mend those relationships faster. They become even more connected. Exactly. That's what they call an IFS. Speak for the part, not as the part. How does that look? So you had that experience happen on stage. It wasn't what you wanted. It was a little bit of a show. There was noise in the background. It's not like you're so zen now that you don't give a crap and that you don't say anything or you don't ask your team to do it better.

1:10:20But old Lewis might have been like, as the part, what the guys, what's going on here? How could you let me down like this? Why are you doing this? Make everybody leave feeling shame and blamed. Of course, we all have adult resource self connected. self with a capital S connected Lewis can maybe next week, you know, we do a postmortem on the event and you're like, you know what guys, I'm going to speak for the part of me that was pretty activated. You know, it was like, I was on the stage and I was kind of like frustrated and I just want to speak for that. Cause like, it's real. And like, I really, I really want this team to be the best that we can be.

1:10:57And with no blame or shame or all, I just want to really just highlight this, this area that things could have been a little bit different. Maybe you guys, I'm curious, do you guys have any ideas of things that we could do differently next time? And I just want to make sure we connect on that. Even use the C words, right? I'm curious. Can we connect on that? And do we have any creative ideas or possibilities for how we could do it differently?

1:11:17Lewis Howes:I'm trying to get clarity here. Yeah. And it's not even about the words. It's the energy, right? You could say anything to someone, Lewis, as long as you're in self. That's a tricky thing to say, right? It's not like you can't say a racist comment to somebody in self energy. But you can say far more difficult things in self than you otherwise would ever be able to say. And if you don't have self and you're saying all the right things, it won't work. That's true. It's so interesting you said that because it brought something up for me. I have so many memories from childhood and my teen years where kind of mentors and leaders that I was around, coaches, teachers, speakers when I went to events.

1:11:56Lewis Howes:I don't remember a lot of things they said, but I remember the energy, right? the energy they brought to me, I think Maya Angelou talks about like - You'll remember how they make you feel, yeah. Exactly. And there's a specific moment, I've said this every time I met with Tony Robbins, my dad bought two tickets to one of his events for me and my mom when I was 16. And it was a big arena tour. It was like 15 ,000 people. It wasn't his main UPW. It was like a three-day multi-speaker thing that he used to do. He'd know what it does. And my dad got a seat. Imagine like a basketball arena, like a big NBA arena.

1:12:28Lewis Howes:but we're sitting kind of on the court with seats like tons of rows in the court and I'm sitting you know in the half court and the stage is over by the end of the arena and he gets off stage and walks down and he's getting closer to me this is the first time I've ever been to a Tony Robbins event really even knew anything about him 16 years old he walks down and he stops like right next to me in the aisle and I'm like looking up at Tony and it was like this massive presence I still to this day, I don't remember what he said, but like he spoke to the audience for maybe 60 seconds and his energy was so magnetic.

1:13:02Lewis Howes:It was so in self. He was in the flow. He was like, thinking about the energy he was bringing, the connectedness he was to each person. It was like, he's speaking to everyone, look in your eyes, but the 15 ,000 people are really landing his, his points. And I remember just thinking, I want to have that energy. You know, I want to bring that energy to life in my sports at the time as a high school athlete. And I want to bring that, that level of service to people. And it's like a moment, it was like a memory as a moment that like, if that wouldn't have happened, maybe I want to be doing what I'm doing.

1:13:40Lewis Howes:Totally. Maybe I wanted to be creating the way I'm creating to serve and find tools and strategies to help people so and interviewing people like yourself and i have that with coaches that was like moments where they like stopped us in the court and like said something but it wasn't what they said it's how they connected with us that's right and i'm being like wow i really feel that presence that trust that respect of that individual that they care that they they want us to improve that they're trying to like be there for what they're sacrificing teachers like stepping up for me like after class when I'm struggling and being their presence, their energy, you know, sure.

1:14:20Lewis Howes:They helped me how to like read and write better, but it was like, they're carrying this. It's so beautiful what you're, you're describing your experience of being in the presence of self and think about, and it's not necessarily for the viewer that, that everyone's going to be the next Lewis Howes or the next Tony Robbins. Right. In, in this instance, like the pres, Tony's presence reflected back to you the presence you were ready to step into. Absolutely. Something I wanted that I was like, wow, that's really cool. But that's everyone. That's for everyone. So we can all access our own inner Tony Robbins self, the creativity, the courage, the compassion, the connection, that laser focus that he has is all self-energy.

1:15:03I just saw a spark of light over you, by the way. That's when I see the angels in the room. And so the, the, the, okay, so now I'm channeling. So that can, that connection, that, that fluid connection is for every single listener, every single person watching, because it doesn't matter what you do with it, right? The most important thing you do with it is you bring it to your kids or the children in your life.

1:15:26Lewis Howes:The energy, yes. That presence, it doesn't matter if you're Tony Robbins, you're the next president of the United States, or you're an adult figure in a child's life is equally as important. When we access self and we can bring that self-energy to the young people in our world, think about how much self-help work we're doing for them, right? Because if a child has presence of self-energy in their life, their protectors feel safer. They become less burdened adults. That's how we change the world. That's how we change the world. All the political issues that we have, all the wars that we have, that's just protector parts at war with each other.

1:16:08It's all young, wounded children in power. Isn't that crazy? I was just thinking about, yeah, when we bring self-help and start

1:16:16Lewis Howes:to heal the parts of ourselves, we're not going to have that chaos in the world. If every person is doing this work and tending to the parts of us that feel traumatized or wounded, we don't need managers and firefighters to protect us. And we have the courage to communicate differently. We have the courage to love differently and to have compassion for someone else's point of view and say, okay, that's not what I agree with or believe with, but let's find a way where we can come together somehow, as opposed to let's fight and I'm going to win and you're going to lose. On all sides, right? It's what Dick Schwartz calls self-led leadership.

1:16:50Okay. So, and I'm, as I access more self, I can lead my team with more self, right? Right. So so leaders who have that self-energy and I can name a few, definitely like a Michelle Obama or Barack Obama. I think I don't want to be just so political, but there's an Oprah's self-led leader. Right. Not just even famous people. Right. Like the teachers that you were talking about, those coaches in those moments, self-led leaders have such a profound impact. you were just describing it, right? As a kid, these coaches and teachers in these moments offered self-energy to you, impacted you tremendously, and created a pathway for you.

1:17:29And imprinted you. It imprinted upon you. I still remember these moments. So asking yourself, when I'm with my child or a child, am I calm? Am I connected? Am I curious? Am I courageous? Am I feeling any kind of creative energy or compassion, curiosity? Curiosity is the big one with kids too.

1:17:48Lewis Howes:Yes. and you know i want to create i am this year i'm going to create something new and it's going to be called self-impact training and it's going to teach leaders predominantly how to master this wow because but not just leaders just just humans right but people that have to that want to make an impact not just leaders anyone that wants to make an impact to come through with this we can't do the big work that we're here to do in the world if our child parts are doing it. That's true. You can't run your business like the 10-year-old self. You can't make a movement when you're constantly in your addiction, right?

1:18:25It doesn't work. So we have to heal ourselves.

1:18:29Lewis Howes:In the book, again, we're talking about this book here, Self-Help. Make sure you guys grab a copy. In this book, you say, those terrifying moments in life are the catalyst for our greatest awakening and transformation. They're the moments that crack us open to the possibility of believing something new. They are the moments when we surrender enough to let self help. This self-impact training, which I don't know if you knew this, is sit. Oh, cool. That's actually quite good. Sit your ass down. It's essentially, you need to like sit down and surrender, it sounds like, because a lot of people are in stress and chaos and they feel like they need to control and like take action on something.

1:19:09Lewis Howes:But sometimes we need to stop taking action if it's a wounded action and we start sitting, surrendering and going through these steps in the process. Absolutely. I think that sometimes the best advice that I can give somebody is to stop. Stop doing what you're doing because you're doing it from a place that's a protector. And so it's stop and check in. Sit and check in. First step of having the choice to check in is that moment when you let that light come in, right? It's the cracking open to what's possible. It's the, I always share this Rumi quote. It's my favorite quote. I've shared it here on this podcast before.

1:19:50The wound is the place where the light enters you. those wounded parts of ourselves are our greatest opportunities for transformational growth and extreme development and here's what i believe as a spiritual teacher i believe that before we come into this body in this way we sit down with with our guides our angels and there's actually as always what i believe it was reinforced to me recently by this this medium was like, yeah, that is exactly what happens. You sit down with your guides and your angels and you're looking at this list of life that you want to have. And you say, well, who do I want to be?

1:20:29What do I want to go through? What are the experiences that I want to have so that I can learn the lessons that I'm here to learn so that I can pursue whatever it is that this lifetime has meant for me? And I believe that you and I both sat there with our guides and we said, we're going to have this abuse as children and we're going to have these extreme experiences and we're going to do, do, do, do. And I'm not going to put that on you. I'll put it on myself, right? I'm going to I had these experiences of trauma and attachment wounds and severe cocaine addiction and physical issues and remembering the trauma, all of that.

1:20:59Check, check, check, check, check. As a journey back to self. And I recognize that none of it is an accident. There are no bad parts of who I am. As Dick always says, no bad parts. and I chose this path so I could unlearn the wounds of the world and remember the light and the self of who I am. And no one is different. I mean, everyone take it or leave it. They don't have to have my spiritual faith. But if you can start to see and witness these parts of yourself, Dick says there's no bad parts. And so as you start to witness these parts of yourself through that lens of compassion, you know, Lewis, I was a fellow for a while at this recovery center near in my home.

1:21:41And I would go in every month and each month it would be a new group of 100 people that were the new, because it was a 21 day program. So each month it was new people. In the addiction program, recovery program. And the majority of them had one to two days clean. Okay. Cause they were new, it was like a new wave of people. And I'd come in and I would teach them of this work. And I would suggest to them that the addict was just trying to protect them.

1:22:10Lewis Howes:Yes. And I give them the I offer them the opportunity to consider that. Right. Because when you're deep in your addiction, you're like, nope, I hate this part of myself. This part of myself is ruined by life. I'm a shame. I'm I'm a horrible person. I'm I'm I'm. And to just even slightly tease that out a little and say, well, everybody here in this room, what is your addiction protecting you from? And every single one of them would say this trauma and that trauma and this trauma and that. There's a trauma story flying through the room. And then we'd say, okay, well, so if you had this extreme experience that you don't know how to manage and you've been using this thing to manage those big feelings, you see how it's been trying to protect you?

1:22:49And when you look at it through that lens, how do you feel? And everyone in the room would say compassion.

1:22:54Lewis Howes:Yeah. Not everyone. Not everybody was ready for the compassion. Sure, sure, sure. But it would come through. When someone is going through addiction or someone is addicted to something, you're addicted to drugs mostly or cocaine and alcohol. But when someone is addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, whatever it is, lying, stealing. Well, work. I also had food, work, love. I was like multifaceted. Right, right. People, whatever it might be. But if someone is addicted to anything and has an extreme addiction to that thing, what is that saying about them or the parts of them? What it's saying is they have extreme traumatized little exiles inside, and they've done everything they could to manage those feelings, and that management didn't work anymore, and the firefighter of addiction has stepped in to put out the fire.

1:23:39Lewis Howes:Interesting. And they deserve compassion. They deserve connection. Now, if you're someone who's in a relationship with an addict and you've tried your best to do all the things, sometimes the most kind and loving and compassionate thing to do is to cut yourself off. Wow. And I say that because this is sort of the premise of some of the 12-step work, which is some of the Al-Anon work, which is, well, let's not say Al-Anon. Some of the codependency recovery work is really that you don't enable the addict, right? Right. But they all but you have to trust that they have self inside. How hard is it to end an extreme addiction?

1:24:19Depends on how much you want it as a cocaine addict. Right. So it also depends on the drug of choice. Right. Because if you're trying to get off heroin, it's very different than getting off cocaine. Right. You get off cocaine, you just feel better right away. You might detox a little bit, but ultimately you just feel like you're just like, whoa, I feel better today. I'm not anxious. I'm not crawling out of my skin. whereas coming off of you know heroin or opioids i mean that's brutal you deserve detox you deserve support fine you know go to an er and get the detox that you need get whatever support that you need because that's that's a different journey but if you want it if you want it and that's the question i think all these addicts make it well of course i want it right but i want to be careful with what i say because everybody would want it right they would want it But there might be parts of you still that want to lean and stay, hold on, right?

1:25:08Of course. Because it makes you feel safer. Makes them feel safer. There's a relief. Or that's the only way they think they can get ahead or it's still fun or whatever, right? Sometimes it's when we hit those big bottoms that we really stay clean and get clean oftentimes because it's no longer fun. Like, it's like so destructive. We don't want it anymore. For me, that was the case. You know, I just didn't want it anymore. I struggled for a few several months in and out of this therapy that I was doing and like you know I'm not an alcoholic I'm just a cocaine addict you know you just kept going back out or I'll drink I won't do coke and then always end up doing coke and then finally I found my way into a program and um into a self-guided program and I um I got myself clean and sober you know with with the group And I didn't go to treatment, but I did get my program.

1:26:02And I swear, it worked for me. Actually, in a week, I'm celebrating 19 years. Well, actually, no, let's say this is January now. Actually, a few months ago, I just celebrated 19 years of sobriety. So now I'm 19 years sober.

1:26:17Lewis Howes:That's amazing. Congrats. Yeah. And I wanted it. but also that desire and that willingness is really the whole thing. It's almost like you have to commit your whole life to being sober, clean, like breaking the addiction. You have to almost commit. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to set myself free. And that might be painful to look at the parts of you in other ways, but it's slow. You know, they say, they say in 12 steps, like, keep it simple, stupid. And, you know, it's like slow and steady. And people always would say to me like early in recovery, like I wish you a slow recovery. because you don't want to try to be 20 years sober today.

1:26:56It's not going to happen. And I can look back almost two decades now and say every part of that journey was exactly as it needed to be.

1:27:03Lewis Howes:Yes. And the thing that's nice about the willingness and the wanting it is that if you do find your way to whatever kind of recovery path you find, it does feel good when you start to get a little bit of it. Absolutely. And then you want to reach for more and reach for more. Yeah, a bit of that momentum. Speaking of the new year, we're in the new year, if people are watching or listening to this now, if you could give people, there's a lot of things that have happened in the last few years, a lot of chaos in the world for people. There's a lot of financial up and down, social up and down, relational up and down, health up and down, political up and down.

1:27:39Lewis Howes:But if someone is watching or listening right now, and they're saying, I just really want to create a new baseline for myself to start manifesting in 2025 in a beautiful way, in a way that I've never done it before. And if they're watching this and they're thinking, what's the best way to manifest after all the crap that we've been through in life, them individually, or the crap that the world has been through, what's the best way that they can start manifesting in 2025 and beyond? So there's four steps. Choose to check in with the parts of you that are burdened. Become curious about those parts and let them talk to you.

1:28:16Be curious. What do I need to know about these burdened beliefs that I've had over the last three years and what I'm carrying? Check in, become curious, extend compassion by asking, what do you need? And then let those C qualities emerge. I'm telling you, I mean, it's like from now on for the rest of my life, people are like, well, what do I do to manifest? And just be like, check in, check in and check in and check in more. Four-step check-in, do it more and more and more. This is the secret. This is the key to manifesting. We manifest what we believe. And that was some of the first words out of my mouth here today.

1:28:49And so how do you want to change the patterns and burdens? And how do you want to attract more of what you want into your life? You tend to the belief systems that are holding you back with this four-step check-in process.

1:29:05Lewis Howes:That's it. That's the process. The book is Self-Help. this is your chance to change your life like every burn scene make sure you guys pick up a few copies um i love this because it's simple it is short so for me it feels very manageable when i'm reading it it's like it's it's easy to read so make sure you guys check this out uh the four-step check-in process to transform the patterns that have held you back and you mentioned this before that we always hear about these limiting beliefs that are blocking us that are holding us back but a lot of times people don't talk about these steps on how to break through those limiting beliefs and i really love the approach to the, the IFS approach, because it's looking within at the parts of us that are holding us back.

1:29:47Lewis Howes:And these parts of us are, are blocking us and limiting us to break free in what we want, whether it's creating a better relationship or manifesting something in our career or business, whatever it might be. And so those are the things that are limiting us. The things that have been trying to protect us for so long are actually helpful in certain ways, but not every way. So we need to have a new relationship from a place of capital self, higher self within us, and start tending to those parts of us that have been holding us back, that have been limiting us. And incorporating a new healthy whole relationship with them so that they can support and elevate all of you.

1:30:25Lewis Howes:And I think when you can follow Gabby's process, it is going to make it seem more relatable. It's going to make it feel more simplified and less confusing and daunting because some of these things in therapy can extreme, can be extremely daunting to like, uh, just even sitting down with someone for an hour and hearing some terminology. It's like, I'm exhausted already. Let me just get back to my life and being addicted. Cause that's what I know. Yeah. And so allow yourself to start sitting, start checking in with yourself, start reflecting and following these four steps in this book, and it'll really help you transform your life.

1:31:00So Gabby, thank you so much for doing this.

1:31:03Lewis Howes:This is amazing. I'm excited for everyone to get this. And again, make sure you guys get a few copies. Give it to friends. It's great to start off the year 2025. If you have anyone in your life who maybe feels blocked in any way, give them a copy of the book so that they can be supported as well. Any final thoughts for you guys? I just want to say something to you. So on behalf of all your listeners and viewers, because I meet people all the time that flip out when they find out I'm friends with you, because you've really helped heal them and helped them, given them the resources to heal. And with your wisdom and with your interviews, but most importantly, with your self-energy.

1:31:38And as a friend of yours and someone who feels so seen and safe and connected and supported, right here, right now, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, I want you to feel how grateful I am to have a presence of self like you in my life. And on behalf of all of your beautiful community out there, because I think they're all going to say this in the comments, everyone tell Lewis how much you love him.

1:32:06Lewis Howes:I appreciate it. Thanks. You deserve it. Appreciate it. I love you. Love you too. I appreciate it. Get the book, follow Gabby everywhere online. You've got an amazing podcast as well. What else can we do to support you? How can we support you? You know, people like this work, they want more support with it. Go to deargabby.com forward slash app because there's my Dear Gabby coaching membership. And inside it is a lot more self-help guidance, just extra processes here. But affirmations you can pull, two-minute exercises, long deep dive coaching. It's your coach in your pocket, pretty much. So if you're like, I like the way what she's saying and I want more of her, that's the place to go.

1:32:48Lewis Howes:Gabby, love you. Thanks for being here. Appreciate it. I love you. Thank you. I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy. And if you're looking to create more financial freedom in your life, you want abundance in your life, and you want to stop making money hard in your life, but you want to make it easier, you want to make it flow, you want to feel abundant, then make sure to go to makemoneyeasybook.com right now and get yourself a copy. I really think this is going to help you transform your relationship with money this moment moving forward. We have some big guests and content coming up.

1:33:25Lewis Howes:Make sure you're following and stay tuned to the next episode on The School of Greatness. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review.

1:34:04Lewis Howes:I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

1:34:46Lewis Howes:need when they need it. Greg loves wheat crackers, Brenda craves sour candy, and Max, oh boy, he needs protein bars and milk and applesauce and turkey. It's Walmart, built for your business. Who knew? Modern enterprise. There's a lot of moving parts. Comcast Business helps you orchestrate it all. With SD-WAN working at scale to keep 150 hospital locations connected and working as one. plus SASE and Zero Trust Security protecting financial data across a bank's 2 ,000 branches and AI-powered networking that optimizes traffic across five continents. No one does business like Comcast Business.