How Generational Trauma Is Secretly Running Your Life | Dr. Mariel Buqué

22:24Lewis Howes:And they never healed it. Never healed it, expressed it as a trauma response, yelled and screamed in the home, had emotional outbursts. What did that do? That actually created a disruption in the attachment that you could have had like in your childhood. It created an insecure attachment. You then went out into the world and experienced bullying, a pandemic, like all kinds of things. And then that trauma, that trauma, you know, propensity or vulnerability got triggered out. And so now you are continuing the cycle of intergenerational trauma because it was modeled to you. Genetically, it was passed down.

23:01And then, you know.

23:02Lewis Howes:Now, is it genetic or is it, let's say the mother breaks a cycle before she heals her trauma, the generational trauma, before she has her child. She can. And she creates an environment of peace, you know? Yeah. Is it the environment or is it the biology, the genetic code that is passed down? Because it's like these environments are kind of passed down. You witness your parents doing it, you just follow the pattern and you follow the environment pattern. Yeah. Is that genetic? Is that environment? What is both? It's both. It's like, you know, for as long as psychology has existed, we've had like theories on nature, nurture.

23:47Darwinism also kind of just started that right like way back when. So nature being like the biological aspects of our experiences and then nurture being like the social aspects of our experiences. And intergenerational trauma is really the only trauma that is situated at the intersection of both. So we have the nature side. Yeah, so, you know, on the nature side, the genetic expression, like we're getting a lot of information from, like, the field of epigenetics, which helps us understand how behavior, like, impacts genes. And so basically what happens is that, let's say a mother. A mother has stress and depression in her life.

24:24Let's say that this mother is actually pregnant at five months gestation. So she's pregnant. She has a baby in utero. And because she's at five months gestation, that baby also has all the precursor sex cells that they're going to have for their lifetime, regardless of whether it's male or female. They already have those. So the mother, she experienced chronic trauma her entire life. And so because that became the status quo, her genes re-expressed. So her genes said, okay, this is the way that things are. We are a stressed body. And so because her genes are now saying we are predisposed to stress, that's being handed down to the baby in utero, actually at conception.

25:06So the baby is conceived into genes that are predisposed to stress. And because she is already still stressed while she's having this baby, all those stress hormones, namely cortisol, those are being passed down to the baby in utero. And what's happening to the precursor cells, those are also ingesting a lot of that stress environment. So you have three generations in one body genetically being passed down the stress vulnerability, but also the social piece, the mother's stress. You know, it's like she has all her things going on. She's predisposed to trauma. She's got all these things going while she's, you know, still pregnant.

25:43Lewis Howes:Her environment is still stressful, yeah. Yeah. And so everybody in that lineage of three generations in one body is experiencing stress. Is it just three generations or is it like every generation that's had it? Well, you know, like, I mean, I think it's a little bit of a chicken and egg kind of phenomenon when it comes into generational trauma, right? Like, it's like, who started it, right? But I think I illustrate that because it's, I think, a little bit easier to see, like, oh, well, maybe it started with mom. Maybe she was, you know, the person that... Maybe she had an extreme trauma and there was a reaction response.

26:17Yeah, exactly, right? And so now we at least get to see where the genetic line started from the trauma perspective.

26:24Lewis Howes:When you think about it that way, you're like, man, I'm carrying the weight of, you know, multiple generations of trauma in my genes, like physical weight, actual weight. That could get a little dark and heavy if you really put the emphasis on that. So how do we actually break that cycle once and for all where none of that trauma stays with us and we don't pass it down to our kids? It definitely has to be a very, like, whole system overhaul for most folks. Like it has to be, you know, an integration of holistic practices in our day-to-day lives. Every single day. Like a daily practice. Every day.

27:01Can't waver on it because we got to think about what we're undoing. We're not just undoing the decades of trauma that you experience.

27:09Lewis Howes:Yeah. You're undoing all the multiple. You really need to have a rebirth. It's like a spiritual, psychological, emotional, nervous system rebirth in my opinion. I feel like I've had a couple of them in the last decade. Ten years ago, kind of opening up about my sexual abuse trauma. And then in the last few years, just dealing with all relationships in general, like all intimate relationships that I've had. I've never really faced them until a couple years ago. And I feel like I had to emotionally, spiritually die in a sense, psychologically, I guess. Absolutely, yeah. allow it to burn and then build from the ashes kind of psychologically.

27:51Lewis Howes:And it's a process. I'm not saying I finished it or whatever, but it's like a constant journey of going back to the different stages of childhood, healing each stage and integrating that age with my current self. So there's full integration and healing of every different memory from my life that was a traumatic response. And it's been a beautiful journey that has allowed me to have peace and harmony on the inside, which I never had that until really 10 years ago. I didn't start feeling it, but until a couple of years ago when I started feeling more and more peace on the inside. And it allows me to, again, see the world differently.

28:33I'm not saying I'm like not triggered by things, but it allows me to see it and say, okay, this sucks.

28:41Lewis Howes:how can I consciously communicate what I want to change? Not from a reactive, overwhelmed, stressed, traumatic state, which I feel like you can't really get much done from that state. No, I mean, you can push things down and numb and still operate fairly well, but all of that will come back because you're in survival mode still because numbing is still survival mode. But you're not thriving. You're not creating an abundant life for yourself when you're in a traumatic response, are we? No, not at all. I mean, I think, you know, abundance comes from being able to get into the depths of your soul, right?

29:20So I love that you're talking about the more like psycho-spiritual angle because that is definitely, I operate from a holistic angle. And so like a lot of the work that I do is very mind, body, spirit. And the spiritual piece is really essential because it's not, you know, just your connection to higher power. It's really just also your connection to yourself. When you're like really disconnected from your true authentic self, you're not living abundantly. And if we want generational abundance, then we have to get into the depths of everything that's there, into the mud, if you may.

29:51Lewis Howes:Yeah, and I think if you're triggered or have a nervous system response to a lot of things, you're constantly in a survival mode, right? And it's hard to create an abundant, it's hard to dream from a place of survival. It's hard to create something beautiful from that place. I mean, it makes a lot of sense even from a biological perspective. When we're in a nervous system response, and that's survival mode, you're in a chronic nervous system overhaul, right? So our nervous system is designed to actually make it so that whenever we are in a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, any non-essential functions, any non-essential organ functions, bodily functions, our brain even, like the cortical region of our brain, all of that is mildly shut down.

30:37So if you're talking about like alchemizing and creativity and like all these things, those things require a lot of cortical, you know, structure, like manifestation of like, you know, all the things that you want, like really requires for you to get into your creative mind. And if your cortical brain is not fully functioning in the ways that it, because it's in survival mode, then you're not really going to get into that actualization.

31:00Lewis Howes:It's so interesting because I was in a relationship once where it was a couple years of stress, right? I was, it's all my responsibility. I should have gotten out, but I stayed in and I wanted to make it work and all these different things. And I remember for like a year before the relationship, I was like getting ready to create a book, write a book. And I was excited about it. And then in the relationship, I had no energy to create because a lot of it was survival in this relationship. It was kind of like, come back home. Is she going to yell at me? And, you know, what are we managing today?

31:33Lewis Howes:What's the stress level? All these different things. And I kept wanting to try to create this book, but I had zero energy or creative thinking to make it happen. And I kept being like shaming myself. It's like, why do I not have the energy for this? But I was putting all my energy in kind of survival mode and just make this one environment work out. The moment things ended, it's like I finished the book in a few months. You know, it's like I had all this energy and creativity because I wasn't in that survival mode state. I want to ask you a question about, you mentioned mental health for a moment.

32:05Lewis Howes:What are the main, I guess, I don't know all the terminology perfectly. So what are the main mental health challenges that people face today? Is it depression? Is it anxiety? Is it ADHD? What are the terminologies of mental health that are prominent today? Those are primary ones, but actually depression is on a worldwide scale, happens to be one of the leading causes of disability, one of the leading causes of just global unwellness. It's very debilitating kind of condition because it's not just a mental health condition, it's also like a bodily condition. Physically, yeah. It's an inflammatory condition.

32:46So we know a lot of, you know, I think some of the initial studies that came out that coincided with psychotropics, like some of the medications from the 80s, 90s, and all of that helped us to understand some of the ways in which the brain operates a certain way to facilitate depression. But we weren't necessarily talking about other studies that were happening, which were talking about more of the immunology that's implicated, like all those, anything that's inflammatory, that's implicated in depression as well, diet that's implicated in depression as well. A lot of - So many factors, yeah. Yeah, so many things.

33:28So depression is like a big one. But whenever someone comes to me with depression, I always like to look at the full picture, right? So I look at all those - Their whole life.

33:36Lewis Howes:Everything. Yeah. I look at all those pieces. And depression is one of those mental health conditions that has, there are a number of them, but this one has like a way to identify it and classify it as either single episode or multiple episode. When a person is in a single episode, I usually look for an environmental trigger. What happened? What happened, right? But when there is a multiple episode, I wonder a lot more. What happened to you? Relationship, food, environment. Loss of a job. Loss of a job, yeah. Divorce. The small T traumas, if you may, like some of the things that are like your day-to-day, everyday traumas, but nothing that really compromises your safety in any way.

34:14Right, right. But whenever we're talking about multiple episode depression, I get very curious about a person's history, their family history, what happened to them, what happened within their family. And I really start digging. Because when you're talking about lifelong depression, you've been depressed your entire life. We have to really start wondering, is trauma implicated in your history in some way? And is that what's keeping the undercurrent of depression running?

34:45Lewis Howes:Tax and bonus season is one of those sneaky little moments. You check your account, you see a refund or a bonus, and for about 10 seconds, you feel rich. like, ooh, maybe I'll go buy some expensive gift for myself. Then reality kicks in. But here is the thing. That moment right there is actually kind of powerful for us. For most of us, extra money hits the account and suddenly it already has plans because something needs to be fixed, something needs paid for, or something you've wanted for forever is calling your name. There's no shame in this. Life is full. Things break. Plans pop up. But what if just for a minute you paused, like just for a second, not because you have to, but because you want to ask a better question, not what can I buy right now, but what would actually feel good about this later?

35:38Lewis Howes:And instead of the moment running you, you make an intentional move, not a big dramatic one, just a simple decision that leaves you feeling a little more steady and a little more in control, specifically with your money. And if you get a tax refund or a bonus, try asking a different question. Not what can I buy today, but how can I give my bonus a bonus? Or how can I turn my tax refund into more funds? It's a small shift, but it changes the energy. And suddenly it isn't just extra cash, it's an opportunity. One simple intentional decision can help you feel a little bit more in control, a little more steady, and honestly, that feels better than an impulse purchase you forget about in two weeks.

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37:47Lewis Howes:Go to JustWorks.com to learn more. They do your human resources right, so you can do right by your people. JustWorks for your people. Depression is the main one you hear about. Anxiety. There's psychosis, which we don't talk a lot about. Psychosis is, you know, an extreme version of dissociation. There's some genetic loading there too, especially with schizophrenia. There's genetic loading to some extent with depression and anxiety. There's trauma. Trauma is a whole separate category. You have complex trauma, you have developmental trauma, you have reactive attachment disorder, which is mostly for children.

38:23And it's the very first sign of like, uh-oh, they're acting a certain way that is different. Maybe something happened. Something happened, yeah.

38:32Lewis Howes:So I'm curious. I just want to understand the terminology of these things. So in the term of a mental health illness, would depression, ADHD, psychosis, would these be considered illnesses? What would these be the terminology? These, I would say illnesses because... Conditions, what is it? I know there's, you know, there are a number of us, especially the holistic psychologists of the world, like we look at illness and disorder, you know, just, we like to not look at it as that. In some ways, we like to really kind of like look at the global picture. But if we're talking about the diagnostic...

39:13Lewis Howes:Of an individual, yeah. Yeah. And really the manual that we as psychologists and psychiatrists have to basically abide by when we're creating diagnostic codes, then these are considered mental disorders. Disorders, okay. Disorders or illness is that it's actually the same. Now, is this disorder, is it a symptom? I hate that word. I know. Is this... But that's what it's called. This disorder, this challenge. Yeah, yeah. Is it a symptom or is it a disorder? Is it a symptom of trauma or unresolved healing that causes this disorder? and if we heal the trauma, will we be able to eliminate these symptoms or these disorders?

39:59I think we'll be able to get rid of a lot of stuff, a lot of it. Some of it, as I mentioned, because there is that genetic loading and we've got to think of the genetics that we talked about already, right? Like we're talking about lineages of genetic loadings. So, you know, if we start doing the work now, maybe we'll see a lot less of these disorders happening within our families and our communities. So there is a lot that we can do to actually rectify the abundance of mental illness that's out there. I believe that there is a lot of the mental illness that exists in the world that has an undercurrent of trauma.

40:37And we just haven't talked about that undercurrent or that possibility as much, but I don't know if we'll be able to absolve ourselves of 100 % of the mental illness in the world, but I think that we can do a really good job in this generation to break cycles.

40:53Lewis Howes:Could an individual eliminate these mental health issues on an individual level if they are willing to do the deep healing work? Because essentially, correct me if I'm wrong, these are like symptoms of trauma. You didn't grow up depressed. Certain things happened, an event happened, an environment continued to foster the feelings of depression, the state of depression. And if we can heal the memory, the trauma, the event, and reconnect to our purest self, our whole human self, wouldn't those things start to go away? That's precisely the goal. So, you know, where we started off with psychology and psychiatry is we started off with symptom management.

41:41A lot of psychiatry, you know, we're still kind of there a little bit.

41:44Lewis Howes:Which is like, here's the drug to manage the symptoms. Band-aid. But that's not healing. Yeah. That's not resolving. That's just managing it. Precisely. But that doesn't do anything to bring back to wholeness. Yes. And integrate the person. Integrating the healing, right? Exactly. And that's the goal. That's the goal for me. that's the goal in my practice, I want full integration of that person. I want them to see, really see their authentic self. Some people have never even had an opportunity to see like who they could be at their true core self because it's been masked by so much of the trauma and the symptomatology that's associated with the trauma like the depression and anxiety and all those things.

42:27Lewis Howes:So you believe that people can heal these mental health challenges as well if they integrate fully? Many of them, especially the ones that, you know, because I think we have like bipolar disorder and we have, you know, schizophrenia that have a different mechanism to them, but many of them, absolutely. But many of the ones that a lot of people are facing, depression, ADD, ADHD, you know. Depression especially, yeah. Right. Yeah. How important is finding a meaningful purpose in life supports you in overcoming feeling depressed or depression? It's like so critical. It's one, yeah, 100%. I mean, like when we're talking about what happens after trauma, meaning making is at the center.

43:11It's like one of the biggest things because you have, you have to see your life having some sort of value and that there's meaning associated with your life and with everything that's within your life in order to actually even feel motivated to do the heavy lifting that is the healing work to get yourself to the other side. So you have to have meaning in that journey. Meaning making, it's alchemized in that journey, it's created in that journey, right? But I think at the very least, you have to have hope that meaning making can be possible.

43:45Lewis Howes:Mm-hmm. Because what it sounds like to me is a lot of people attach meaning in a more negative, harmful state to events, to words, to actions that happen around them. And therefore, that meaning causes more depression, ADHD, or negative thoughts, all these different things that hurt us. Yeah. But if we created a different meaning around the event or the words or the event, the breakup or the loss of your career, created a new meaning around it and had a different intention, different purpose moving forward, we wouldn't have those mental challenges as much. Yeah, I mean, I think people, you know, just haven't been trained to ask themselves the right questions around meaning making, right?

44:30And so...

44:30Lewis Howes:What's the right questions? Well, the right questions are, you know, well... Someone experiences a traumatic event or big T or little t, what questions should we ask? Yeah, we should be asking, you know, so questions around, well, let's talk about what was learned in that circumstance. That's a really hard question to ask because sometimes people will be like, you really, you think that that needed to happen? No, it didn't need to happen. It did happen. It happened. You can't change it. You can't. That's in your history now. I know. But what can we take from that experience? And it doesn't even need to be the traumatic event itself, but your response, your reaction.

45:08What can we take from that to learn how to now create a healing protocol for you? And it's about, you know, being able to ask questions that get people thinking outside of the box. Because what happens when you're in a state of trauma is that you're frozen in many ways. Your thoughts are frozen. You start thinking a lot of the same things, right? Like it's a lot of protective functions. Your feelings are frozen in time. Like people like constantly feel worry, anxiety, like a lot of things that are, you know, just them being in a protective state. And so we can start asking questions to free some of that up.

45:46That's going to be like really key. But I like that question, even though, you know, I think it can veer us in different directions. But I'm open to that whenever it comes to work with a client, right? Because wherever we go, I'm with them. I'm going with you. And we're following that path.

46:00Lewis Howes:If someone stays committed to their story of meaning, that it was this horrible event and it ruined my life, the divorce, the job loss, the injury, whatever it might be, what happens if they hold on to the meaning in a negative way as opposed to, that was a traumatic event. I don't wish it upon anyone, but here's what I learned from it. Here's what I gained from it. Here's what I'm going to do with it in a positive way. What happens to those? Well, the way that I interpret that is that that person is, one, still in a state of fear. They're not ready to really get curious about what other definitions meaning can have in their life.

46:45They're just really stuck on the one definition, that it tarnished their lives, that it got in the way, and they're just stuck there. And so if that's the case, then my role as a clinician or their role as a person that wants to get out of it, hopefully, is to work on the fear. You've got to work on where is fear trapped? How is the nervous system operating around fear? right like where can we free them up in a bodily sense because the nervous system requires a lot of that body-based work and so we have to like really get curious about that and like go in that direction versus you know the the the questions are very mind focused right but we need the body-based practices in order to create safety in the body to release also right to release the

47:34Lewis Howes:fear the pain the trauma and reconnect to the safety of your body is that right exactly and so that when a person can feel that there is safety in their body, they can feel that they can actually go into the depths of their minds in a way that doesn't feel scary and existential. Right. Speaking of fear, I saw somewhere recently, I don't know if this is true, but I saw somewhere recently that we were, that human beings are born with three fears. The fear of loud noises, the fear of falling, and the fear of abandonment. I don't know if that's true, but if it is, We tend to build, add more fears as time go on.

48:14Lewis Howes:I don't know if that's true, if those are the only three or we don't have fears at all, but it seems like we gather, we collect more fears through childhood and adulthood. Why do you think we gather so many fears and collect them? Well, I think you're talking about like primary fears, right? Like those feel like primary fears to me. Like they're like what you start off with. As a baby, you're going to have that startle response. As a baby, you're going to need to feel deeply connected and attuned to a caregiver. Otherwise, you don't live. Basically, right? And so it's basically a fear of losing life or a fear of losing safety.

48:51So it makes a lot of sense. But the accumulation of it also makes sense because we operate in mental representations, in categories, basically. So we have specific categories in our minds that are primarily created in our childhood. and then everything else that happens in life, we put in the different categories and the buckets of our minds and they just start accumulating and growing. So if you have a big fear bucket, then you're going to have a lot of fears that are going to come into your life and stay there because your fear bucket is just so enormous.

49:22Lewis Howes:What's the biggest fear you've had to overcome?

49:27Lewis Howes:The thing that held you back the most? I think for me, I grew up in, in poverty. And that, for me, the thing about growing up in poverty is that it's not only the fear of do we have enough? It's also that that mental expression, that narrative stays with you throughout life. And it creates that, now we call it like deficit mentality, right? Or other kinds of things. Scarcity. Scarcity mindset, all those things, right? And so not having enough, not being able to survive in that way has definitely been an enormous fear for me throughout life because I was born into such poverty that I remember with my grandmother, she carried a bucket of water to bring to her home, from this tiny little spring, not having outdoor plumbing, like indoor plumbing in the dominica republic wow yeah you grew up there i i was there until i was five yeah yeah and then i came to the u.s and so like you know i mean like you you see that growing up right like and there's like that much scarcity that to ever go back to anything like that feels like it can happen at any time it's like you don't want to go back there i remember when i was 23, 24, 25, that range.

50:57Lewis Howes:I was living on my sister's couch. I had no money. And I was in student loan debt at the time, living off three credit cards. So 2008, when kind of the economy crashed that time. And I remember thinking like, this is not fun. You know, this is not fun, like eating my sister's leftovers and like not being able to pay for rent and just figuring out how we're going to get food for the next couple of days, right? Like where's the money going to come from? Now I had a roof over my head but I wasn't providing for myself. It was like my sister was, even though I'm a 20-something-year-old man, right? And I remember thinking to myself, after I started to make money for, I don't know, probably five years, I remember thinking, I just never want to go back there.

51:38Lewis Howes:So it was still kind of in a survival mode, even though I had money, like I had enough money in the bank for six months and then a year to live off of. It was still kind of operating off of scarcity and not enough, and I need more to feel safe and secure. And I never want to go back to that place. And it's challenging to break that physically, the nervous system, and also mentally, psychologically, and just knowing you'll be able to generate and create enough. It's a challenge to break through. It is. And, you know, like the actual logistical challenge, I mean, that was there for sure, right? Like I had to do a lot to be able to break away from that, right, and to help my family navigate out of that position of working class poverty.

52:25But the psychological piece, that takes serious work. That takes serious work, right? Because it's about money management. It's about things that I may desire and want to purchase, but that's always in the back of my mind. And so it's really kind of fighting that.

52:47Lewis Howes:You've got to learn a whole new set of skills. Yeah. I learned with money, it was like, I'm still educating myself today. I'm still learning and teaching myself different things about money, from saving to investing to tax strategies to managing it, all these different things. I don't think you ever stop learning. And because I'm learning, I feel more and more confident with it. I feel more and more okay with it. But if I don't understand it, how am I going to feel okay with it? And most of us, we never taught this as kids. We're never taught this. We're not taught this in schools, how to manage money.

53:19Lewis Howes:And if we grew up in lower income houses, we probably weren't taught how to manage it either. So it's like you've really got to self-educate yourself on so many areas of life if you didn't learn. Money, healing, relationships, how to deal with failure, all these things. That's why I created the School of Greatness because it's everything I wish I had when I was growing up. There are some people that I've met who can't remember their childhood. Super common. I met this one girl, I don't know, about 10 years ago. She's like, I don't remember anything before. 17. I go, what? It just didn't make sense to me, right?

53:52I know I have, you know, I don't remember

53:55Lewis Howes:every year of my childhood and I don't remember everything, but if I can go back to that place or I see a photo, I'm like, yeah, I remember this. But when I met someone for the first time and said they didn't remember before 17, I go, that's interesting. I later realized there was a lot of trauma. So if someone isn't able to recall childhood memories in general and they just have but blocked, is that because of trauma or is that something else? So trauma can be very much implicated. I mean, like, you know, humans were so variable that, you know, there can be other things. But when it comes to this type of experience that you're talking about and people saying, I don't remember a whole chunk of my life, I don't remember my childhood, it is incredibly common for trauma survivors, especially individuals that are, that have undergone either complex trauma or chronic trauma or just have been in that trauma response in that survival mode for almost a lifetime.

54:51And I mean, there is a bit of a biological, psychological explanation for that. And I think we got to like really get into memory and how it operates. Like what is memory, right? So we have short-term memory, we have long-term memory and short-term memory really operates at this like 30-second interval. And anything that isn't encoded into long-term memory dissolves with short-term memory. You no longer remember it. Now, when we're talking about the nervous system, remember we have like a dissociative process. That dissociative process makes it so that also like you're in, you're operating only with the essential functions that you need, which means that that memory encoding, that's compromised too.

55:37So when you're in constant survival mode and your memory isn't shifting into long-term memory, you're not encoding that, you can't later retrieve it. So retrieval isn't going to be possible later in life. You're not going to remember what happened when you were eight years old because there was a compromising of your memory process.

55:55Lewis Howes:Is there a way to remember things if you blocked it for so long, or is it kind of you've lost these memories? I mean, you know, especially in childhood, like some of it we're supposed to lose, right? Like pruning away. We're not designed to remember everything. But, you know, if memories weren't encoded into long-term memory, it's going to be hard to remember them because they're just not there. However, I mean, I think we have to, you know, further break down memory because we have implicit and explicit memory. What's the difference? So explicit memory is more of those like, you know, you remember, you know, that childhood girlfriend that you had, right?

56:36Like you remember moments of that. Like you remember what you had for breakfast. It's like very concrete, conscious details of your memory. Implicit memory is more like sensory memory. So the body still remembers.

56:49Lewis Howes:The smell, the sight, the experience, the music. The touch. Like we remember in a more implicit way, right? And so like people, when they're talking about not remembering, they're talking about explicit memory, not implicit. Because implicit, they're remembering a lot because they're living in that body that's constantly reminding them through triggers that there's a memory there. Tax and bonus season is one of those sneaky little moments. You check your account, you see a refund or a bonus, and for about 10 seconds, you feel rich. Like, ooh, maybe I'll go buy some expensive gift for myself. Then reality kicks in.

57:28Lewis Howes:But here is the thing. That moment right there is actually kind of powerful for us. For most of us, extra money hits the account and suddenly it already has plans because something needs to be fixed, something needs paid for, or something you've wanted for forever is calling your name. There's no shame in this. Life is full. Things break. Plans pop up. But what if just for a minute you paused, like just for a second, not because you have to, but because you want to ask a better question, not what can I buy right now, but what would actually feel good about this later? And instead of the moment running you, you make an intentional move, not a big dramatic one, just a simple decision that leaves you feeling a little more steady and a little more in control, specifically with your money.

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1:00:30Lewis Howes:And here's the best part. For a limited time when you visit nerdwallet.com slash greatness and fill out the no obligation form, you'll get VIP treatment and talk with a real person who knows all the ins and outs of small business lending. Don't risk your business on unreliable lenders. Go to nerdwallet.com slash greatness to find the funding you deserve. Fundera, Inc. N-M-L-S-I-D. Number 1240038. Let's say someone has got out all the things, you know, depression, all the stress, nervous system has broken down. They're just in a low state, all these things. Everything triggers them, right? If you wipe their memory off and they woke up without having the memory, cellular memory, or the mental memory of the trauma, the little T, big T, the chronic trauma, all these different things, what would happen?

1:01:24Lewis Howes:It's a hypothetical scenario. But if you were able to eliminate these memories, wouldn't you essentially be more positive or have a better outlook on life? I mean, I think that you, you know, could have more of like what we talked about earlier, that neutrality. For sure, right? Just observing it. Yeah, yeah. You know, like because everything will be new, right? And so you won't have something that actually is attached to emotion. Like an event is not attached to emotion. And, you know, a scent is not attached to emotion. So you won't have the trigger response. You'll just be looking at something with a new set of eyes.

1:02:00Yes.

1:02:02Lewis Howes:I just feel like a lot of people doubt themselves and they have a lot of self-doubt tied to previous events, right? I failed. This person made fun of me. I was laughed at. I was bullied. They broke up with me. I lost the job. Whatever it is, all these events then attach their self-worth, their identity, and they doubt themselves because of a series of events. How do we break that so people can learn to believe in themselves more, even if they had different events happen that didn't go their way? Well, I think some of it has to be like a reconfiguration of their self-concept. Like it's very self-oriented, right?

1:02:40Because like now we're talking about when someone said something to them about their clothes, how now they like, you know, have this like perception of themselves and how they dress that's negative, you know, or ill-fitted because of what was said. So now it's become a part of the self, right? So a lot of the work has to be central to the self. Like how do we get you to a place where, you know, you're embodying either a more neutral or more positive sense of self and that your core self isn't, you know, an amalgamation of like all of these negative experiences and how you then translate it and internalize those into how you see yourself and how you see the world.

1:03:19Lewis Howes:How do you teach that to someone? What's something someone can do if they're listening or watching and they don't believe in themselves? If they have a series of events that remind them, see, there you go, I'm not good enough for this or I don't deserve this. What can they do to start having a different view of self? I like the idea of challenging, of challenging thoughts, right? But the thing about challenging thoughts is that the first step is that we have to write down the limiting thoughts that have been there. We have to write down the emotions that have been associated with those limiting thoughts.

1:03:52And then we have to challenge those thoughts, like actively challenge them. There's so many of us that are walking around this world not having challenged a lot of those initial ideas that we've created around ourselves, regardless of where they came from. They could have been from a parent who told you, you disappoint me, you're not good enough, right? And that manifested into a mental representation of themselves as not being good enough. right but we have to look at the root and then challenge the root and then also like work on the emotional piece an emotional piece i like the the work around emotions to be like very body centered because emotions are very situated in the body and so it's a it's a mind practice and that we're writing all these things down but it's also a body practice it's an integration mind and body you got to integrate it you can't just be analytical around it if your body is

1:04:42Lewis Howes:still reactive, you've got to integrate the two. Yeah, always. What do you think holds you back from your highest self right now? I definitely have had my fair share of imposter syndrome, of wondering if I, you know, if I meet the mark, if I've been in spaces where I've been the only person that looks like me. And so it's definitely made me wonder. It looks like you, kind, energetic. You're so kind. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I receive all of it. Great smile. What do you mean? I mean, you know, like I'm a black Latina, right? I'm from the working class. I've entered a lot of elite spaces, you know, for education.

1:05:22You know, I got an Ivy League education for my doctorate, and I was very much, you know, not seeing myself mirrored in a lot of these spaces. So it definitely, like, made me wonder a lot.

1:05:32Lewis Howes:You were standing out, is what you're saying. I was, yeah. You were standing out. Yeah, and, you know, it can be very isolated, that experience, you know. And so I think that it makes you wonder, like, do I belong here? Is my voice welcome? Like that sort of thing. So that definitely has been something that has been a struggle for me. And I think it will forever be like something that I know has been there, but I work really, really hard on a daily basis. So if you're coaching someone else that's in a similar situation, they stand out in their industry. They look different. They don't fit in. I guess, right?

1:06:11Lewis Howes:They're not mirrored, as you said. Yeah. What would you, how would you coach them if they said they feel like, I don't know if I belong or I feel like an imposter. What would you, how would you coach them to interpret that differently? Yeah, I love that question. I would, you know, I would start with the body always, right? So I would definitely like do some imagery exercises with them to like place them in their mind in that space and do some relaxation exercises with them around that because that's always my thing. To get them relaxed first. Yeah. To start creating from that space. Exactly. Like I want safety.

1:06:41Lewis Howes:Yeah. Always safety. However, I do always want to ask like, who told you you don't belong? Because that's a question that we're not explicitly asking ourselves. Like someone said that in the STEM field, like women aren't, you know, there isn't open spaces for women, right? Like something happened there, right? Who said that women don't belong in STEM? And so that's, you know, like, I always want to ask that question. Of course, we know some of the answer. But I think societally, you know, like there's been like ways in which we we've created spaces that have been for specific populations. And so we have to start asking, like, who said that there isn't a space that's open for you?

1:07:25So I think that the reason why I ask that question is because I think that, you know, it opens up the mind to really wonder about that. And I think it also offers, like, a little bit of empowerment to the person that's receiving that question. Like, yeah, who told me that I don't belong, you know? And, like, really stepping into that. And I've done that for myself, and it's been incredibly helpful.

1:07:44Lewis Howes:Yeah, it's good. What else would you say after asking that question? How else would you coach that person? I would want them to, you know, like really do some like heavy lifting around the emotional piece. I think that that's always going to be an important aspect of doing work that's imposter syndrome centered. Right. Because at the heart of it is fear. Right. And so fear of there's a fear of a lot of things. But, you know, like fear of belonging is a big one. Right. Like, do I belong? And so if we're talking about fear of belonging, if we're talking about not feeling good enough, a lot of those areas are what we really need to work on.

1:08:28So that's the depth work, right? The other stuff is a little bit more superficial.

1:08:31Lewis Howes:It's like where we start, but then we got to get into the emotion part. Yeah, interesting. What has been the thing you're most proud of that you've overcome?

1:08:43You know, definitely getting to this level of education, I think, is something that I hold a lot of pride around because I've worked so hard. And I was able to overcome at least, like, the bigger pieces of imposter syndrome around that and also a lot of things. Like, I wasn't taught to operate at this level, right? And so a lot of it was self-taught.

1:09:06Lewis Howes:At what level? At this level of education, you know, I'm definitely a first generation in that regard. There's a lot of bureaucracies that you got to learn and know, like when you're operating in like, you know, educational spaces that are higher ed in this way. And so the fact that I, my own, like, I'm a very intuitive person. So my own intuition helped me to really scan environments in a way that helped me to learn the environment in a very concrete way and then learn to operate within it. But also just be myself, right? Like bring myself. I say I bring my sauce because I'm like I'm going to bring my whole Dominican self into whatever space that I'm like a part of.

1:09:48And, you know, everybody like who's around me, you'll have to adjust, right? Like rather than me like adjusting to the environment and like reconfiguring myself. So that's been something that I've been really proud of, just stepping into spaces where I've felt like before, I don't belong and just proclaiming that I do.

1:10:05Lewis Howes:Yeah, that's cool. I love this stuff. You've got, your social media is amazing. You've got a lot of great resources there. You're teaching, you're inspiring, you're entertaining, and you're connecting people to this work of healing generational trauma. you're also working on a book right now you've got a course you're working on that's coming out soon yeah what is this course going to be teaching people about specifically it's going to really get into the depths of trauma and how we heal from trauma through a number of holistic practices so my hope is that for individuals that are just hoping to really enhance their knowledge of how how to really integrate practices that are going to be very helpful in the trauma journey or for healer practitioners that are out there wanting to really enhance their own practice, coaches, whomever, right, like, and be trauma-informed, that this can be a really good hub and center for them to be able to acquire that knowledge.

1:11:06And access can be through my website, which is drmaryalbouquet.com.

1:11:11Lewis Howes:Okay. Yeah. And click on courses and there I am. There you are. Yeah. You have a newsletter too we can subscribe to? Yeah, I do. I do. And I actually offer one coping skill each week on my newsletter yeah so one coping skill that people can integrate into their week and and then also you know all things my world basically that's cool very cool so if we go to dr mariel bouquet.com they can get the newsletter they can find out about the course see you on social media as well what do instagram is your main thing instagram and tiktok i like tiktok it's a lot of fun yeah it's yeah i like to you know like lighten the conversation on trauma a little bit because it is very heavy.

1:11:51It's heavy.

1:11:52Lewis Howes:It's dark. It's very dark. A lot of people don't want to face it. But that's the thing is that if I can open up just a little, you know, a small smidgen of, like, conversation in there, like people start getting really curious about trauma. And I think that, you know, on TikTok I've been able to do that where I infuse a little bit of humor and people are like, okay, it's not that scary to talk about. I can do this. What do you think is going to happen in the world over the next three to five years if people don't face their traumas? I think we're going to see a lot of, it's not just going to be on the personal end that we'll see the continuation of these generational cycles of trauma.

1:12:31I think it's going to be that we're going to continue to institute policies. we're going to continue to you know just operate in the world and in a way that is is driven by a lot of hostility and aggression that is a representation of unhealed wounds yes it's

1:12:48Lewis Howes:interesting in 2017 i wrote a book called the mask of masculinity which is about how men can start to heal can start to drop the masks that trying to protect them from the outside world and reveal themselves, be a little more vulnerable, open up, and really just show their authentic self from a healed place, not from a hurt place or defensive place. Because I believe that a lot of the problems that are happening in the world are caused by men who are wearing a mask, who are hurt, who are angry, who are traumatized. And there hasn't been a safe space specifically for men until I think more recently to start opening up about their traumas.

1:13:29Lewis Howes:I don't think it's been acceptable for men to talk about these things. And so I'm so glad you're doing this work. I'm so glad there's a lot of people doing this work because I just feel like people need resources to start the healing journey. As my therapist says, it's a journey. It's not a one-time event where you're just, I'm healed and it's all better. It's an integration of healing process over time. Absolutely, yeah. But I feel like more people like you need to be doing this type of work and teaching us how to heal because I think if we can all heal, men specifically, speaking from my point of view, it's like if men can learn to heal and be more loving and authentic, then I think it's just going to be a lot more harmonious environment in the world in general.

1:14:12I couldn't agree more.

1:14:13Lewis Howes:But I also think that a lot of women need to heal too. There's a lot of traumas that women can heal too. They can create a safe space for men to be their authentic selves. It's like working together more as opposed to arguing and fighting as much. So that's my intention. That's my mission here. I love it. I love it. It creates, you know, a lot more vulnerability from that place of vulnerability. We can, you know, bridge curiosity, safety. There's so much that comes from that place where the work is done. Vulnerability and courage, you know, takes root. And it creates definitely more of that harmony you're speaking to.

1:14:48Lewis Howes:This is the challenge. I just wish people could have conversations consciously. You know, just like maybe I don't agree with a lot of things that you do or other people do or they don't agree with me, whatever. But to be able to question and like you said, did you say question or just say challenge the thoughts, challenge the ideas, but not from a aggressive emotional state. I feel like if we can question and have a conversation from a place of calm, then it's going to be able to help us come together more in just a lot of different areas of life. So that's my intention. Yeah. Starts with the nervous system, though.

1:15:24It does. If we're heavily triggered and the conversation that we're having is triggering because it's disrupting whatever is going on in our minds. Or it's challenging us in a way where it's pushing us out of our comfort zone.

1:15:42Lewis Howes:Yeah, it makes us feel uncomfortable. And we're like, I need to protect myself. I'm going to scream and react and call you an idiot or whatever. Go straight into fight mode. Right. But you can't solve anything that way, can you? It's really challenging to have. You can't be creative and solution oriented in the ways that you would be if you were in more of that neutral state. I love that. It's a question I ask everyone at the end. It's called the three truths. So imagine hypothetically, it's your last day on earth many years away. You live as long as you want to live, but it's your last day. As old as you want to be.

1:16:15Lewis Howes:And you accomplish all your wildest dreams. But for whatever reason, you've got to take all of your work with you to another place. your books, your courses, your content. We don't have access anymore. But we have access to three things that you would leave behind with the world, three lessons or three truths. What would you say are those three truths for you? They would be that you are not just what happened to you. You are abundantly so much more. I would let people know that healing is a lot of work. It sucks. It just bends you and twists you into different uncomfortable shapes, but it is incredibly worth it.

1:17:01And that no matter where you are in your healing journey, today is always a good day to start to break the cycle.

1:17:10Lewis Howes:Yeah. I want to acknowledge you, Marielle, for your journey, for stepping into this field of practice you were telling me before about how you had another career in advertising. in New York City. And then you were volunteering on the weekends and you found more meaning and fulfillment in being of service to helping people with these different challenges in their life. And you said, I'm going to take on eight more years of school. I'm going to take on this college debt and student loans to follow a mission, a purpose that was more meaningful for you. It's really hard for a lot of people to do. And so I really acknowledge you for listening to your heart, for listening to your truth, for taking that step and continually adding value to so many people in the world by doing the individual practice, one-on-one that you do, the coaching you do, by sharing this content on social media, by working on books and courses.

1:18:06Lewis Howes:I really acknowledge you for stepping into this season of your life, which is adding a lot of value for you and to the world. It's really meaningful to witness and to see you overcome so much to get to where you're at. Thank you. I really acknowledge you for that. Thank you. I really appreciate that. Of course. It's been a journey I treasure and I'm grateful that I'm here. And thank you for highlighting my journey. Of course. Yeah, of course. People can follow you. We'll have everything linked up. Your website, drmarielbouquet.com. Social media, drmarielbouquet. Final question for you. What's your definition of greatness?

1:18:47Well, greatness to me, you know, it's found in everyday people, the people that alchemize from the ashes, you know, and become cycle breakers very much like you have. And I just think they're the bravest souls on this planet. And that to me is really great.

1:19:06Lewis Howes:Gracias. Thank you. Such a pleasure. Appreciate it. Thank you. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review.

1:19:41Lewis Howes:I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

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