How To Face What You’ve Been Running From To HEAL & THRIVE

25:07Yes. Yes. When you created that boundary and you said, actually, I'm fine with whatever happens and I'm going to show up fully as me and I'm going to do my best and I'm going to be. Exactly. I mean, that doesn't mean I'm going to try any less hard. I'm surrendered, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to hope for it. Now my attitude is, wouldn't it be nice if it was on the chart again? Wouldn't it be nice? How fun would that be? What a delight. But I don't need it. Yeah. And also, you know what helped me do that? Is my husband is running our label and he has shown me the breakdown of being an indie artist versus a major label artist.

25:40I literally, for my life to support my family, don't need it to be a major thing. As an indie artist. As an indie artist. Because you own more rights and you have more. I own my masters. I own most of the publishing. I am the primary writer on most of the songs. And I produced it myself with my two best friends who are Grammy winners. It's not like a bunch of friends. Right, right, right. You know, like they're incredible, but, um, yeah, the, the financials on it. And now I'm lucky cause I already have a fan base. So it's hard because I'll say this, like you don't need to be on a label, but if you've had a hit, it makes it a bit easier.

26:11Yeah. So I have a fan base, but the thing is I don't actually need it to do. I don't need my beautiful body of work to be anything other than it is. It can go into the world. It already has supported us from the four songs I've released. Wow. The streaming that it's doing. It's already brought in revenue. Yes. Wow. And it's crazy what artists are convinced that they need from major labels because the tiny little percentage that you earn of your masters. Is nothing. I'm sorry, yeah, is nothing. You need it to be a gigantic hit in order to see money. So I've learned my lesson. I mean, for example, I think Fight Song has almost a billion streams on Spotify.

26:50Yeah, just on Spotify alone. I think across everything it has like two billion. Wow, that's amazing. YouTube and Apple and everywhere else it is. 3 billion with everything. 3 billion. Yeah. It's incredible. Yeah. But if a label owns that. I've never really bragged about that. Right? 3 billion streams across everything. That's amazing. But if a label owns that, you get a much smaller piece than if you owned that. It would be like 10, 20, 50 times more. Yeah, exactly. Really? If I owned the Master of a Fight Song, kid, we wouldn't be in the same neighborhood. This is a lovely place. No, but I am going to get to rerecord it because I will.

27:28My master reverts to me and I'm going to rerecord it like Taylor did her versions. I'm going to do my versions. How does that work? Does that actually work? Like when she rerecorded. I mean, she's Taylor. So like she is the whole entire world listening. I don't know if people will choose my Rachel's version to scream, but it will be the 10th anniversary. And so I think that there will be some movement attention around like Wildfire will turn 10. That's the record that had Stand By You and Better Place and Fight Song. So I'm going to do like four or five of them. That's cool. Reimagined in the sound and the sonics of this new record, which is quite a departure from the early stuff.

28:04Yeah. So, I mean, I don't know anything about this world, but when she – because she re-recorded it like a year or two ago, right? Is that something you have – She's been in the process of it, I think, over the last four years. How is that done? She goes into the studio and she just literally – I mean, she's launched it already, right? Or no? Has she launched some songs? Yeah. Do you mean how does it done like sonically or how is it done? She's remastered to them, right? She's not remastered them. She's actually recreated them. Yeah, exactly. Gotcha. Yeah. But she's launched some of them. She's launched.

28:31Yeah. And she's making money off them. Yes. Really? It's amazing. So people aren't listening to the original. They're listening to the new version. I don't think it matters with her audience because it's so massive that people are just like people are listening to everything she puts out. Right. Gotcha. Okay. Yeah. I mean, it was the smartest thing. Yeah. Really smart. Yeah. Your album is amazing. I went to your, I think it was your first, I mean, I was in your back house, like as you're finishing songs and sharing stuff two years, a year and a half ago, two years ago, you're like, I just finished the song and you played Mercy for me.

29:03It was incredible. And you're like, yeah, we're still editing it, you know, or whatever. But it was like amazing to hear it live as you're finishing it. And then watching you at the Troubadour, I think it was like six months ago, kind of like share it for the first time, these songs to the public. You have one song called Bad Thoughts, and I know you're big on visualization and manifesting, right? You think about manifesting. Not like I was. You used to be. I used to be. You used to be, but not anymore. Well, I feel a little bit more like, I don't know. Have you read Michael Singer's books? Yeah.

29:41The Surrender Experiment. I haven't read that one. The Untethered Soul. Yeah, The Untethered Soul. Yeah, I mean, I have a tricky thing with manifesting. I did the other day. My friend is very into it. Eight, eight, like Lion's Gate. She's like, we've got to manifest. We've got to manifest. But I feel a little bit like I'm not so in control as I thought I was. And it's kind of a good feeling. I kind of feel a little bit more peace and a little bit more faith and a little bit more just feel deeply connected to God and like we're co-creating together. And it's not so much up to me to think the right way or visualize the right thing or like think so perfectly.

30:15Because the danger with that is if you went through a mental health battle, you know that you are not in control of your thoughts. And if you believe that you are for the good, then that means you have to believe that you are when you're thinking something that is very scary and terrifying. And I had to give up that belief and let myself off the hook. And - If you have bad thoughts consistently, do you feel like you can create a meaningful life and have your dreams come true? I think what our job is, is to be honest with what we're thinking. I don't think we should let it ever run away with it.

30:45Like, I don't think we should give it free reign. we have to make sure that the self is in there do you have you done any ifs work yeah yeah i love that stuff so like capital s self i had frank on who's like the big yeah yeah i'd love i gotta listen to that episode um you have to make sure that the self is in there because the person usually that's the the version of you the the self that's in there that's um that is feeling all that fear and anxiety and devastation and rage is is only just a part of you it's not the real you the centered you, the centered you that's one with God and one with everything.

31:20So look, I mean, you're not going to give it the wheel of the bus, but I also think that denying it and shutting it out and being scared of it is the wrong thing. At least it was for me. You know, then it just was denying what actually is. So in my deep struggle, when every day was negative, scary thoughts, every day was panic, every day was dissociation, association, there was nothing I could do. There was no amount of like manifesting I could do to force those thoughts away. I had at some point to just say, this is what's here. I love you, Rachel. I love you. And I accept you. I'm here anyway.

31:59I love you anyway. And so I really believe now that I don't want to look at anyone and be like, get rid of those thoughts. I just want to hold them and hug them and teach them through my songs, through my own life, how to love themselves and say, I love all of me. I love the scary thoughts that are here. I love the bad thoughts. I love the fear. I love the anxiety because I'm human and it all is what's here. It just is already here. What are we going to do? Push it away? To love, to actually change something has to start with radical acceptance of what is. And so real change only happens once you say yes to what actually is here.

32:41And that's why I think the manifesting can be a little tricky, at least the way I was doing it and learning it and how I see people doing it online and like talking about it. I'm more like, Hey, yes, yes. But first meet what's here. First, let it all come up and love it. And then once it's not a terrified little screaming child inside of you, demanding your attention, trying to grab the wheel, once you bring capital S self back, like the, the God self back into there, sorry, back onto the bus and say, hi, hi, my love. I'm here. I see you're afraid. And you can be on this bus with me, but you can't drive because you're five.

33:21Right. Exactly. Or 10 or 15 or whatever age they were trapped at. That's what I think. If your anxiety or bad thoughts are running your life, it's going to be hard to create something fulfilling. And if you create something - It's going to be hard to live. And if you create something from a place of lack or anxiety, it's not going to feel enough. You know, what you're creating, it's not going to feel like you're safe still. You're going to need more, more, more. Yeah. As opposed to accepting where you're at. Yeah. I guess that's what my question was around that. But so how do we navigate then?

33:55Because we grew up in the 80s, early 80s. And for me, it was, you know, don't talk about feelings at all. It was like, don't cry. Don't talk about feelings. just like do your job you know essentially don't act like a child right it's kind of what it is right like shut up your emotions yeah exactly shut it down where you know being in LA I see more of an extreme side of like if a child is having a breakdown it's like okay let's talk for 90 minutes about your feelings every single day let's address your feelings let's get on our knees and look at our children like all day long and just share your feelings share your feelings share feelings.

34:31Parents really have it hard right now. Like we're being told, no, it is so confusing. We're being told like gentle parenting has been totally misunderstood. Yeah. Boundaries are essential. We're, you know, anyway, keep going. But I have my own thoughts about that. I feel like there's, again, I don't have kids yet, but I know you have this and you're around like other moms and parents and schools. And so you're seeing this. I almost feel like there's another extreme that's happened since when we grew up. Like too permissive. And too permissive to the anxiety. Scream all day, run around, you know, do whatever.

35:02No boundaries, no structure. No. That is not what I think. And I feel like either side has its problems of developing young children into having some type of anxiety, stress, or problematic symptoms as teens and adults. Yes. Whether it be an entitlement or a lack of drive or whatever it might be, right? Yeah. So how can we address that in this time and age when certain adults haven't learned the tools on how to love and self-soothe and self-parent? Yeah. But also raising children without needing them to like you. Because there's going to be a lot of times they're not going to like you. Yeah. And not just giving in to them constantly so that they have your approval.

35:46How do you learn? Oh, my God. Come back to me when you're a dad. I know. Like literally you have no idea what you're talking about. No, I'm messing with you. I love you and I love this conversation, but I got to tell you when you can have all the ideas about what you think people should be doing and how you think people think people should be parenting until you are actually met with a tantrum in public and your own child, my God, I had all the judgments and how I was going to do things and what I was going to do and how, and, and one kid to two kids. I mean, it is a show. It is like, yeah. How do you navigate?

36:22I have no idea. I don't know. I'm still learning. My, my, my oldest is only five. I'm still finding out what kind of mom I am. I'm still figuring it out. My parents were permissive and then scary authoritative. Really? Like, like cheering me on, rooting me on, and then terrifying loud noises, doors slamming, scary stuff. So I am really anti yelling and screaming in my house, but I've had to learn with my therapist and in couples therapy, I've had to learn what is my way of setting a firm boundary with my children because they cannot be jerks. They cannot be entitled. I will not raise those children.

37:00And also they're, they're being raised very different than I am with so much money, with so much privilege, with, with beauty and like all the stuff that, you know, I mean, I was pretty cute, but, but like we were, we didn't have money. We were, it was a very different life. It wasn't like, yeah, anything you want, you could have at any moment. So my husband and I are figuring this out as we go in real time. And I have to find my way of having firm boundaries because my way is not yelling. My husband's is yelling and I hate it. And he doesn't yell all the time, but when like you really mess with him, he will scream at the girls and they will just look at him like, what the hell is going?

37:36They're terrified. And I have a really big problem with that because I do like more of the gentle parenting, but with gentle parenting, you have to have firm boundaries. You have to stick to them. You have to do what you say you're going to do. Because if any of that is lax, then you will raise an entitled child. But for me, I've really learned that like, and it's the same with myself. The way that I parent myself is the way I'm parenting my children. It is allowed. Your feelings are valid. They are allowed. They are not allowed to hurt someone else. They are not allowed to get in the way of your life and like, right?

38:07But they are going to be heard and witnessed and they are all okay because you're human and they're part of being human. And we're going to love and support you and help you kind of move, I don't know, raise what's below to the light, right? So that it's not trapped down there. I don't want my daughters to think that they aren't allowed to cry and have tantrums, but they can do it in their room and they can do it in a safe place and they cannot hurt each other and they cannot hurt themselves, right? So it's like, I don't know. I mean, I don't know either. I'm figuring it out. I don't know. It's so hard to be a mom and like, I'm learning as I go.

38:44Yeah. I mean, for moms or women who want to be moms, but also want to have their careers or have a dream that they want to pursue their art, their music, or whatever it might be, what do you say to them before they become a mom? if they want to also be the breadwinner, also be earning full time, like working full time as an artist or a career individual and having one child, it's got to be one of the hardest things to be a mom full time and then have the energy and the thought capacity to create beyond being a mom. Well, it's got to be one of the hardest things. It was one of the things that I thought would, I thought that they would be opposites.

39:28Before I became a mom, I thought that if I had children, it would steal my creativity, that my creativity would suffer. And what I have learned is that it could not be less true. Really? It is the opposite. My creativity has expanded so much. Think of the act of creating a child. It is the most creative you will ever be in your life. You are literally creating a human. You are so tapped in to divine, to creation. To magic. To magic. Once you create a human, you can create anything. Like my songs flowed so easy as if God turned on a faucet that just never got shut off. Wow. And creating for me is so much more easy and natural and flows.

40:14I mean, first of all, the range of what I feel from becoming a mom, as we said earlier, is so much more wide and like wild. And just life experience in general. Life experience. So I have so much to pull from. I mean, I can like harness and transmute all that terror and grief and rage. I told you I went down and witnessed. And I can turn them into this beautiful art that still actually sounds joyful somehow. There's joy in the pain that I'm singing about. But how do you have the energy and the capacity to create? You might have ideas and like it might flow when you have energy and time. But when you're a full-time mom and even if your kids are in school or you have daycare or nanny support every now and then, or babysitters for a few hours a day, you're still thinking about your kids all day long.

41:02You're still – your body is still responding to healing after the first few years. You still need energy. You're up all night because your child, what's the better? It needs to come in. They sleep with you and they're kicking you all night or whatever it is. It's beautiful, but it's also challenging. yeah like how do you have energy during the day to be a full-time mom a full-time creator and and bringing the money to support well first of all my husband has since started working for me and now is a partner yes and so it's amazing he's bringing more income in from having come in and transformed my business sure sure so it's not all on me anymore and that has been a gigantic relief it's big yeah it's amazing women to just want to generate money yeah you know they want to make money also as well as being moms.

41:44Okay. I have two things. I have two thoughts on this. One is I want you to think about the busiest time in your life. How productive were you when you only had a 30 minutes to be productive? Very productive. Versus when you had nothing going on and you had all day. Very productive, but there's a time you're going to crash at some point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. You're doing that every day for months. Look, I crashed this morning, but Taylor taught me, Taylor Swift taught me when I, Fight Song was exploding and we were like, and I met her and I was like, I don't know what I'm doing. I have to be in Paris and then Japan.

42:13And then I don't, I don't know how to do this. And she said, you aren't going to have days off. You are going to have moments off. You're going to, you're going to draw all your energy back in, in moments at a time. So that's one thing. Like I can't look right now at my calendar. My calendar is insane. I cannot look at it for the next three months. It is packed every day. It's insane. But this is a season of life. It's a season. It's three months. exactly exactly you're all in exactly i'm all in my husband and i are all in we have everyone around us supporting us you're saying yes to everything it's like yep so that's where i'm at right now it's just a season i've been doing this long enough to know now this isn't forever this is right now i also have incredible moments off and days off and weeks off because of the career i chose so there will be a lull and i will get to be around my babies all day long and it It will be delicious.

43:02Okay, that's my one thought. And then the other thought I have is that my spiritual practice has been absolutely essential in keeping my energy up. I didn't have this tool before. I didn't have this deep connection to God before. And now that I do, I literally give it to God. I literally say, you do it. I write. I want to show you what I write. I want to show you. I make a checkmark for God. and before a show I do it, before something I'm scared of, before a day, before an intense performance, I literally write a list of what I'm scared of. I made this up. I don't know if this is like people are going to listen and be like, what the hell is she talking about?

43:39But I want you to imagine three columns. The first column, I write down all my fears and all my worries and all my stress. The second column, I write down my job and I write. Like, what do you mean? Like, okay, I'll tell you, I'll give you an example. Um, let's say I was doing one about the Lewis podcast. I'm nervous. I love Lewis. This podcast is huge. I want to do a good job. I want people to, I want to come off well. I want people to go listen to my music. I want to be successful, right? What is my job? My job, what God tells me my job is, is to breathe, be in the moment, give it to him and have fun.

44:13That's it. That's my job. And then I write the third column. What's God's job? And on God's column is everything. Make it go so well. make me adorable, hilarious, funny, charming. You do it. And then like make it the most successful body, make Lewis love it. And like, whatever God has all this to do. And then I make a checkbox for him and I crack up and I write and I write on it. Go, God, go. Yay. God, don't worry. You can do it. God. And I cheer him on. It's like ridiculous. It's like so ridiculous. And then I crack up because I look at my job versus God's job. And I'm like, oh bro, you have a lot of work to do.

44:46I'm going to go chill, but good luck to you. And then I come back and I remember to check him off and I give him A pluses. And I'm like, very good job. And I like give him stickers and he has not failed me ever. Wow. And that's what I do for energy. What do you think is the difference between putting all the weight and pressure on you to do a good job and perform versus allowing God in your life to deliver? I don't have to do anything. I have to show up. I have to show up and I have to be the clearest boss that I can. God is the flowers. My job is literally just to be the clearest vase for people to see them.

45:21And that's hard work. It takes hard work to be a clear vase, but I can do that. I can't shine and shimmer. I can't guarantee people will love me. I can't be delightful and perfect and pleasing, right? But I can do my work to be a clear vase. I can meditate. I can do my breath work. I can have therapy. I can work out. I can keep my body healthy. I can keep my mind healthy. That's my job in being a clear vase, right? And the pressure's off other than that. My job is not what are people going to think of me? My job is not how am I going to come off? What is the success going to be? What is the result going to be?

45:52It is literally just to be the best version I can. When did you start this practice of giving it up to God? In the middle of the darkest depression when I had no other choice. A couple years ago? Yeah, a couple years ago when I was completely at a loss on my knees in the studio that you came to a couple times. on my knees in the middle of the night at 2 a.m. My baby had had 105 degree temperature that night. She was two months old. My husband had a passing a kidney stone. I wasn't sleeping. I was absolutely at the lowest. My uncle just died. I was at the lowest I've ever been in my life. I was terrified.

46:27I didn't know how to keep going. And I screamed on the floor of my studio, mercy, mercy, I'm done. mercy. And this song came out of me. This song mercy came out of me at two in the morning, like all at once, this rush, this answer of, of music. I felt a presence that I'd never felt in my life. And I've always written with something, but I didn't know what it was that was flowing through me. And that night I knew without a doubt that that beautiful piece of art came through that pain, there had to be something bigger than me in this world that was listening. And from then, I just was so hungry for it.

47:15Wow. And I sought it out, and I asked, and I searched, and I implored God, keep showing yourself to me. Please, please, please keep delighting me. Keep helping me. Keep healing me. And he did over and over. And music came, music came, music came, like so much music. Did you have a relationship to God before then? I think I did, but I didn't know him and I didn't know. I didn't understand that he was actually like listening to me and right there and right here in my heart. And that it was someone that I didn't have to go through someone else to get to. That was the other thing about LA and that this world that we're kind of entrenched in that I think messed me up.

47:57I kept thinking there needed to be this intermediary to get me to God. Like, okay, I'd go to like a medical intuitive or an intuitive or a psychic or a Reiki person. They connect me. And I was so desperate for it that I'd go all the time. Like, I want that. I want to understand how to reach, you know, my creator and you know how to do it for me. So you do it. And I'd ask people to pray for me for things. And like, because I had so much fear and that's where the aloneness felt like. What were you afraid of? Being alone, like being that no one would be there when I went to ask. that no one would hear me.

48:31Like, do you feel loved by God? Do you feel a connection? Yeah, I do. I didn't always though. I mean, growing up, I felt very insecure. Me too. Very alone. Yeah, me too. I used to go to the principal's office all the time in elementary school and just say, I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead over and over again because I felt like no one cared. Obviously, my parents were there for me. Obviously, like, you know, my siblings, but it's just, you know, I just felt alone. and it didn't probably matter how much someone loved me. I didn't know how to receive the love probably also. And so for years, it wasn't until maybe 10, 11 years ago when I started my healing journey where I felt a deeper sense of love for self and love for God.

49:15Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. Of course, yeah. But it's challenging. I know the feeling. And so everything for me was driving, you know, I can relate to you because I was driven for so long to succeed, to feel loved and accepted. Exactly. But then it never felt like enough. It never felt like, oh, I'm not getting what I truly want, so let me go get more. Right. And keep accomplishing. Exactly. And things started to shift for me 10 years ago where I said, I want to create my life based on a vision that I have to serve people. Yes. And if I have a dream to write a book or something else, and I can still go for goals, but it needs to be in the service of others.

50:00It needs to be in service is fundamental now in anything I do. I am exactly the same, Louis. Same. We are so similar in our journeys. I needed to achieve more and more and more. And we are both very driven people and we have achieved a lot. And we have both been through the school of greatness and we have achieved great things. And all of your guests have, and probably most of your listeners do. But what we've found is that there is an emptiness in it, right? Unless it is of service, unless you are being asked to be used, unless you are striving is for a bigger purpose. So when you're on your knees screaming mercy at 2 a.m.

50:39in the back of your house... You're like, did neighbors call? I'm curious, did you feel a connection to God then? I did. Was it like the first time you really felt a connection? And if so, what did you hear or experience or notice? Yeah, crying thinking about it because it was so, I mean, it was so powerful and it shifted me so much. And just, I mean, for me, God talks me through songs and songwriting. So this song that came out of me, it's one of my favorite songs I've ever written. and the fact that I wrote it in 20 minutes was very obvious that it wasn't me writing it. Wow. It just came through you quickly.

51:21It came through me very quickly. It was almost like I was chasing it. And I was like, slow down, slow down, slow down. I'm trying. I'm slow down. I kept saying, slow down. Like the words are coming to you. Like the words were coming. I was like, stop, stop, stop. And my hands couldn't write fast enough. And I was like, please, please slow down. I kept saying out loud to anyone, slow down. And it just was coming and coming. And I was like, oh my god here's the first okay get back to the piano oh my god and it felt like

51:47a musical orgasm it was just wild i was and i had been in so much pain and so much suffering that created freedom it felt like a taste of freedom now it was it did not last right right like the song happened it was incredible i woke my husband up i shook him i was like come downstairs i think he had just got back from the hospital he was exhausted he was like oh no exhausted like please don't make me wake up to hear a song of yours because if i don't like this song right now i am so screwed like he's like i i better like this song because you are so not okay right now and i was like no no kevin it's it's good and i i played it for him with tears in my eyes but you were played it live or you recorded live no no no i i just i come on i did not i I didn't know if you like recorded on your iPhone real quick.

52:32No, I did. But like I had, I did, I captured it. I actually have the recording of me. The original? Yeah. Oh, that's cool. Me crying through it. And I'm like, I go in one part, I go, oh, that's good. And I'm like, oh, that's good. And then I go, oh, that's good. Yeah. You hear me. And then I throw the pen down. You can hear it all. But I wake him up and I bring him down and I sing it for him and his jaw is on the floor. And he's like, what? What? and I was like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I think I think God's using me I think that there's a reason that I'm I think there's a reason I'm suffering so much right now wow but I still had to suffer for two more years so like it wasn't all great do you think we have to suffer to create something great oh my god this sucks because I used to like vehemently argue that no I was so But Fight Song, you weren't suffering.

53:25Yes, I was. Really? Yes. You think Fight Song was born from like a chill experience? Sometimes you hear people saying they create like a love song out of just like peace and beauty. Who are they? I'm so annoyed with them. Like the Beatles seem to create stuff all the time. They sure did, didn't they? They seem to be having a great time. Yeah, right? I know. Other people do. I don't know what it is with me and God and the muse and like what happens. But apparently for me to really reach the depths of things that reach other people, I have to for some reason. I mean, it's a transmutation. It's alchemy for me.

53:57It isn't for everybody, but it is for me. I alchemize my deep pain and I turn it into art. And that's what my vibe is. And now I've just come to accept it. Like, cool, cool, cool. We're going to work again and we're going to create again. That means I'm probably going to be crying. But I mean, it's not all that. I have songs on the record that are also joyful and silly and fun. Like I'm exaggerating. Better Place was written with me delicately looking out at like a beautiful ray of sun on the trees. So like they're not all like that. It's just that usually – That moment created the song though.

54:27Yeah. Usually the ones that move people the most for some reason for me are those. I'm not the artist that people turn to I don't think for like the party song. I think they come to me to feel. Interesting. Wow. Okay. So since that happened, you feel like you've had a different relationship to God? Yeah. Yeah. And what is that relationship now, two years later? It's really intimate and great. Really? I love him. So you feel like you have a direct channel to God. You don't have to go to someone else. No, I would never think to go to someone else. That idea seems so wild to me now. Why would anyone else have my answers?

55:03That doesn't make any sense to me now. I write every day these dear love letters that Elizabeth Gilbert is doing. Have you seen this? Well, she's asked me to write one. Lewis! I've been traveling. Why are you doing it? I'm so annoyed with you for turning it down. I had to turn it down. I said, yes, I'll do it. Immediately you have to do it. I saw yours. I saw the newsletter that she sent out with yours. Really powerful. I didn't write it. Right, exactly. God wrote it. You shared it. You put it out there. So she writes these letters. I have it in my inbox for me to do. I've just been traveling.

55:33I was in the Olympics. I'm so annoyed with you. Please do it. I want to hear what love says to you. And she calls it love. Maybe that's a more palatable word for everybody listening. Inexchangeable for me. She calls it universal love. God, it triggers people, that word. But what I'm saying when I say that is the one, the creator, the divine, that force of love in the world. And so we write every week, dear love, what would you have me know today? Wow. And when you think that you're going to be, like, you think it's not going to be the answer, right? You think you're not going to hear anything.

56:06Oh, my God. Literally, oh, my God. Answers pour out of you. And these are just women, men, normal women and men living their life. These aren't spiritual necessarily like holy people. These are just people just like us who are hungry for answers, who put the request out there and they get met with a flood of love and answers and support. And now there's a community on her sub stack of over 100 ,000 people that are sharing these letters every day with each other. And it is unbelievably beautiful. I think it's the most beautiful place on the internet. but so all I'm saying is like, it would be wild to me to go to anyone else for answers.

56:44When I have a direct line, I can literally write. And now I can just hear, I'll just ask. And like, I can hear. So for 40 years, you didn't have that. No, no. It's almost like saying, I need to go to my sibling to ask what my father thinks about me. Right. Or give me advice, but I can't go directly to my dad. Directly to my dad. I'm going to ask my sibling to ask them. You go. And they bring it back to me. And that's going to be filtered through their own human experience. So like, that's the problem I think with intuitives and psychics, they're still human. It might be something true, but that it's going to be filtered through their own human body and feelings and thoughts.

57:22What did you need to be able to unlock that within yourself to be able to connect to God directly? I mean, I think like all hero's journeys, I needed to be on my knees suffering at my limit, crying mercy. I surrender anything. Come and help me. Like that was what I needed. I'm stubborn though. Someone else might have an easier time getting there. But what was the unlock? Like, was it finally like, I'm going to be, I'm going to, I'm going to trust and listen directly. I'm going to let go of something. I'm going to stop living in fear. Like what unlocked it so you could have a direct channel to God?

57:57Okay. You know, it wasn't, it wasn't all at once. Were you afraid of it for a while? Of what? Connecting directly? I just was afraid that no one would be answering me. I was afraid no one would be there. that it would be true that I would be alone. But it's not true. So in that moment, you felt like, I don't care if I'm alone. I'm just going to listen anyways. Like when I was crying mercy, you mean? I wasn't thinking at all. I was in so much pain. You just said, I'll do whatever. I didn't have any plan. My plan was just to throw my forehead against the floor. You weren't in your head anymore. No, I couldn't be.

58:29I was in too much pain. You were in your heart. Yes, I was broken. My heart was broken. I was shattered. I was obliterated Rachel was gone I was it was just all pain that was there it was all fear and it was all grief and it was all pain and I couldn't think anything I just was in so much pain I was in so much pain wow and was it physical pain was it spiritual pain was it emotional pain what was the main pain you were feeling it was like it's terror it's just terror was it in your head was in your body was in your heart was it I don't know it was everywhere it's everywhere it was everywhere and i and i now can like go through in a meditation and kind of ask and check in with my body and where are you but i mean in the moment i didn't have those tools i just you know i think that i felt so scared and so alone and so broken and like yeah it was just a full body feeling have you ever been there that low i've been in more like full rage and anger.

59:31Yeah. It's probably because the emotion that I knew how to express the best, you know? Yeah. They're all the same. Yeah, exactly. Afraid. Yeah. I'm curious if you could, with the wisdom you have now and the experience you have now, if you were able to go back five years ago and yourself five years ago asked you now, Rachel from the future, how do I heal myself? what advice or what would you say to your younger self on how to heal with the wisdom you have now? Knowing all the pain you experienced, all the fear, anxiety, stress, you know, tightness in your body, worry, like what would you be able to say to her, to her to actually listen to you and actually take the actions to heal?

1:00:24I just wrote myself a letter that's going to be on the copy of my vinyl. This is the first time I'm going to have actual records, physical LPs. That's cool. And I just wrote myself a letter that's going to be on the inside and it's not going to be anywhere else. And it was, dear me, five years ago. Wow. And so I know exactly what I would say. And it was, this pain is going to be worse than anything you've ever experienced. And it goes on, but I will not wish you out of it because it is the way. Wow. It is the path to get where you want. and so I will be brave and I will love you and I will tell you you're going to be okay.

1:01:02You're going to end up in a beautiful place, but I will not wish it away. I know that you're strong enough to handle this and all of it is going to lead you exactly where you want. So I would not give myself tools to escape it or get out of it faster. Everything had to be exactly as it was for me to feel how I feel today. Do we all have to go through pain and suffering in order to feel peace or is Is there a way we can pre-meditatively, not hack it, but say, my life's not great. I'm at a seven out of 10. But every year I keep going at this rate, it kind of goes down a little bit. I lose a little bit of my soul, my heart.

1:01:43I just like, I'm just surviving. And when you can catch it and say, I know some things are off and I'm just not really connected to my body or my emotions. Like my relationship's a little bit off. is there a way you can not hack it but you can say i'm going to do the work now okay i do have an answer to get to where i want to be as opposed to well let me just wait five years until i go into a crash and have pain and suffer then i wake up that's not what i meant it's not about hacking that can't we yeah is there a way we can pre uh support ourselves yeah well okay as opposed to well just wait till it gets the no no no okay so i don't mean that i don't mean like i want to leave you there, young Rachel, to just go through this alone.

1:02:25Like I said a lot other things to her of like, I'm going to love you and I'm going to be there loving you. And the sooner that you can learn to love yourself and accept what is, the sooner things are going to start to change. So my answer is acceptance. What I would say to anyone is the sooner that you can be with what is, accept what is, the sooner that you are about to start to actually change something. You need to radically accept what is before you can change anything. And you hadn't accepted what was. No, I was fighting and mad and angry at God and scared and raging against it. So my work over and over and over was to say, yes, yes, I don't like this, but yes, I'm here.

1:03:04Yes, I don't want to be depressed. Yes, I am depressed. You know, like. So if you would have done that five years ago, you maybe wouldn't have hit rock bottom of all this pain. Yeah, but like the pain brought my art. The pain brought these. You could have brought it in other ways too. You could have brought the, you know. I don't know. I kind of love the dream. I don't know. I kind of love it. I get it, but that's a high, high, low, low. I know, but that's my vibe. That's who I am. I'm a high, high, low, low kind of girl. I've always been. It's kind of another thing I have to accept about myself.

1:03:33I'm not like everyone. Some people are like me. Some people aren't. My husband's way more in the middle and even. He's nowhere like this. Yeah, but like, this is how I am. I'm a songwriter. This is me. You're an artist. I'm an artist. I go wildly high and wildly low. I'm not going to change. The sooner that I learn to stop being so frustrated, sometimes I'll look at God and be like, are you joking? Why did you make me like this? Were you drunk? Like, I'm so sensitive. How did you think I'd be okay? But I'm also so strong. I'm such a warrior and I'm so fierce. And so now I'm like, yeah, you did a good job.

1:04:05But like, I used to be so just like, what were you thinking? This is a dumb way to make a human being. This is like absurd. But now I'm like, this is Rachel. Rachel goes high and Rachel goes low. And like, so that's all that I know. That's the only advice I can give is like, I need to experience them for my art. Not every artist does. It's what I do, but I don't suffer like I used to now that I have this connection with God. That is my answer. I don't suffer. I will go low and I will go high, but I don't suffer anymore. You don't stay low for a long time. I don't stay low. I don't suffer. You know what I'm saying?

1:04:39Like I feel the pain, but I heard Tony Robbins say this one time. He never, he's not, he's said like, I had this moment where I realized I would never suffer again. And I feel the same way. I'm never going to suffer again. Gives himself like 20 minutes or whatever and feels it. And he's more like, yeah, I feel it. Like I am a now a ninja about feeling my feelings because I know I can't trap them. So I will go upstairs. I'll punch pillows. I'll write out in my journal, 20 minutes, nonstop, like everything that I need to say, the worst thing I could say, the worst thing I could feel, the thing I would always suppress, Like, I hate my kids.

1:05:09The things that you would never say out loud. Yeah, you let it out. I get them out. I cry. I hold myself. In a healthy container. In a healthy container. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good way to say it. I forgot something. Don't do it in front of the people that you're pissed with. You've got to be responsible. Like, I'll go, like, scream, I hate you. I want to shoot a bazooka into the world. And none of it stays true. It's just true for that moment. But it doesn't stay true. And Nicole Sachs' work taught me that. My therapist taught me that. Like, you know, I learned it. from my own experience. And it has been the most unbelievable thing to learn.

1:05:43That's cool. That it doesn't stay true. It just needs to get out. So you can let it out. Let it out in a container. Letting out your emotions. With a boundary. Accepting yourself. Yeah, accept yourself. And then investigate. I mean, it's Tara Brock's rain practice. You're familiar with her work? I think so. Yeah, I've seen her stuff online. The R is recognize. The A is allow. The I is investigate. And the N is nurture. And I think it is the most brilliant. acronym I've ever, that is, it's life changing for me. RAIN. R-A-I-N. And so you recognize, okay, I'm angry right now. Cause how often do we walk around all day being like, not really actually knowing how we feel about a thing.

1:06:20We're just some dull level of not okayness. Once that dull feeling of like, disease is there, that's not actually me. And I'm like, I mean, like that's not actually capital S self. That isn't actually God in me. So something you're experiencing. That's something I'm experiencing. It's a wave. And so now I'm like, okay, so let's see what's here, Rachie. You're not feeling like yourself. And I recognize it. What are you feeling? I put a hand on my heart. I ask myself, I go to the bathroom if I only have two minutes and like, you know, quietly ask what's here. Okay. Fear is here. Why are you afraid?

1:06:55And I feel it. And then the A is allow. And I allow it to move through me. And it moves through me like a wave. I cry a lot. I'm a crier. But some people like to rage. Sometimes I scream. I do what I need to do to get it out of my body and then investigate.

1:07:14I get quiet. I listen within and I say, where are you? You know, like you asked me in the beginning, where was it? It's often in my stomach or my back or in my head. And then I ask that part of me, what do you need? What do you need to hear? What's going on? and it'll often just tell me, just love me. Just be with me. Just let me be here. That's cool. And then N is nurture. And then you give yourself the love and that message of support that you're looking for from a place of support and resource. So like maybe in the past there was someone that just loved you so truly like a grandmother or a spiritual teacher or Jesus or Buddha, whoever you think of, and you embody that and you give yourself the message that you need.

1:08:01And honestly, if you talk about a hack, like I, 20 minutes of that and I am back. You feel good, yeah. I'm clear. I have moved through it and I didn't push anything down. Wow. Yeah. It sounds like internal family systems a lot in there too, right? Yeah. Yeah. I like, I have it all mixed up in there. Yeah, it's good. There's so many brilliant people doing such amazing work right now, including you. Oh, thank you. Yeah. I appreciate it. So that's the advice you'd give yourself five years ago. Yeah. The sooner you can be with what is, Rachie, and love yourself just as you are in this moment, the sooner things will start to change.

1:08:36What is the advice? And I would say turn on your tape recorder. Start recording? Start recording. Like don't think that those things that you're singing aren't worth anything just because you're depressed. That's good. Yeah. What is the advice your future self would give you now, five years in the future, with all the wisdom and experience that you think you're going to have? Oh, she would love me. She would be so proud of me. She's going to say to me, Rachie, you're doing it. This is it. I ask because I ask her, I talk to her and she always says, this is it. You're doing it. Because I ask, how do I get there?

1:09:10How do I get? And she says, this is doing, you're doing it. This is it. This is it. And every time something comes up that's hard, that makes me want to break or stop or give up, she tells me, this is not an obstacle in the way. This is the way. This is the way. And I love you. And you're doing such a good job. Keep going. That's cool. Just keep going. That's amazing. Yeah. I'm excited for you. I'm really excited. I'm excited for where you're at. Me too. Because, I mean, a year ago, you were not a good place. It's very different. I remember, again, walking and just the pain you were having in your body and just.

1:09:45It was awful. I was having spasms, right? Yeah. Your back, your hip. Yep. I have no more pain. I can do whatever. Oh, my God. That's incredible. I dance every week. That's good. I do whatever I want. That's good. I do summer salts with my girls and cartwheels, and I play soccer and tennis and ski. You were in a lot of pain before. You were like, do you know masseuse? Do you know anyone? I couldn't move. I couldn't get up off my floor for a couple weeks. That's crazy. Yeah, I was in a lot of pain. I'm glad you're not in pain anymore. Me too. I'm glad you're feeling peace. Me too. And the album is out.

1:10:17Once we launch this, the album will be out. Yeah. What is your wish for it? Well, my wish for it is that it may be used by God to move into all the corners of the world, wherever people need it, that it may reach whoever needs it, that it may bring healing and love and peace and just be another vehicle out of the dark. You know, it was my way out. So it's now my offering to the world, like may it be a vehicle for other people who are suffering and, you know, want to feel their feelings. May it reach people who feel unseen. May it let people know they're not alone. May it be a comfort. May it be the thing that you listen to over and over to feel God.

1:11:02Yeah. And may it just find its home wherever it's supposed to go. That's beautiful. Yeah. I mean, the song Girls, if you're a mom, go listen to that right now. I think it's going to bring you a lot of joy. Or if you have a sister or something like that. But get tissues because you're going to cry. Yeah, it's beautiful. Go listen to that. Again, if you're feeling any type of pain or uncertainty in your life, go listen to Mercy right away. Yeah. And if you have bad thoughts, go listen to bad thoughts. Anxiety, panic attacks, panic attacks, yeah. Go listen to bad thoughts. But listen to the whole thing.

1:11:29It's a beautiful piece of art. So I'm really excited for you. I'm really happy that you were able to create something magical and beautiful from a place of extreme pain and suffering. Thank you. And I hope, even though this is your life, I hope you don't have to suffer that much. No, no, no. I won't ever again. Not like that. You might have pain. I will. But hopefully you don't have to hold on to it. It's life. I'm going to have pain. Yeah, of course. But I'm never going to feel like I felt before. Yeah, exactly. That's good. where should we go to listen to it or the best place please stream it on your preferred platform platform i'm sorry spotify amazon apple music it's called i am rachel platen and go to my website rachelplatten.com you can order a vinyl there a signed copy really and see that letter i wrote myself into all of us and you can join my fan community there there's a lot of us who are out there seeking comfort and not like feeling like we're not alone and wanting to know that there's others like us who are just seeking, right?

1:12:22And searching for love. And I've built this community of incredible, incredible people who are loving on each other and supporting each other. So yeah, come find us. That's great. Are you doing a tour at some point? I am. I'll be touring in 2025. Wow. So they can sign up for your newsletter and get that information. Yep. On rachelplatton.com, you can sign up for my newsletter and you'll be the first to know and get VIP sales first. First access to tickets. That's pretty cool. Yeah. When's the last time you went on tour? 2019. Really? I was three months old. Yeah. So it'll be six years since you've been on tour.

1:12:52You know what? Jewel told me to say one thing. I don't mean to be so name droppy, but I want to say something about my tour because she said, Rachel, you have to share this. Say it. Okay. Because I was talking to my lean in circle, which is Cheryl and Ariana and Jewel. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And we're really, it's really cool. And I told them, you know, I'm going back on tour. I might not be on a bus this time because I'm not playing those humongous places that I was playing, but I'm proud and I'm excited. And Jewel said, please talk about that as you do press for the album so that other women and moms know that it is okay to make a choice for your family.

1:13:25It is okay. It is a choice that I made to take time off, to heal, to make my family, to be with my babies. And there is a sacrifice that came with it. I'm best friends with Andy Grammer and he and I were touring to the same audience, right? But he's a dad. He toured the entire last six years. Yeah, and he kept building his audience. He kept building his audience. And it can be, it's something that sometimes we joke about. And like, I look at it and I'm like, what's wrong with me? Why aren't I there? I am not there because I made a choice. And that choice was beautiful for me at the time, but there was a sacrifice and I can get back there.

1:13:56It's just going to take work. Yeah. So I just want other moms to know. And you don't have to get back there. I probably will. Right. But you don't have to tour every year to be successful. No, but I probably will knowing me because I'm a hard worker and I feel energy again and I feel ready again. When your kids are older. But it's going to take time. And like, and that's okay. It's okay to have made a choice. And our country, our community, our world right now tells us that it is not okay to make those choices and to not be at the top, you know, but they are essential choices that we have to make.

1:14:26And I accept it and I'm proud of it. And here I am back out there again, maybe not on a tour bus this time, maybe playing to a little bit smaller rooms, but Hey, like you're doing it. I'm doing it. And I made my babies and I'm ready again. Let's go. Bro, come on. How else can we be of service and support you, Rachel? Thank you for asking. Please share the music with everyone you know, anyone that you think might need some love right now to know that they're not alone. Anyone that you feel like might be suffering, please share them with it. Please share the music with them. And just come find me online.

1:15:00Come join my community. I am so happy to get to know my fans. We have special gatherings every month. And yeah. But yeah, share it with everyone. It comes from word of mouth. You know, it's like, I'm an indie artist right now. So like every stream and every recommendation and every TikTok and stream, you make it all helps. Yeah, it all matters. Here's what I'm going to do. For anyone watching or listening right now, I'm going to buy 10 signed vinyls and send them out to people. So what you have to do is leave a comment on the YouTube below of your biggest takeaway from this and share that. and then also share tag tag a story of you watching this on instagram tag me and tag rachel and i'll select 10 people uh who share this out in the first week we'll send it out to to 10 people so and if you don't get one then just go to rachelplatton.com and buy yourself but i'll sign them special for them like i'll individualize it special one i'll individualize yeah well i'll go over to the studio across the street we'll sign it i'll sign it too if you want Rachel was, so we'll make that happen.

1:16:08Rachel, I acknowledge you for the journey you've been on. Again, I've seen behind the scenes of stuff. A lot of people don't get to see that. I acknowledge you for opening up here and sharing more of what you've been going through the last five years. I'll never know what it's like to be a mother of two and experience the joy and the pain and the suffering and the sadness and the no sleepless nights and try to be relevant and try to make music. Like, I'll never know what that feels like. And I acknowledge you for feeling it all and experiencing it all, for making the sacrifices to live your dream, to be a mother, and to also come back and create the art and the music that can help you and others as well.

1:16:47So I acknowledge you for all of it, my friend. I love you. I'm grateful for you. And I can't wait to do our walks soon. When you get back from all this three months of madness, we'll do more walks together. Thank you so much. One final question I've asked you before, but I'm curious what your definition is now. with some perspective, what's your definition of greatness? It's kind of beautiful to answer this almost 10 years later. First of all, that made me cry. Thank you so much. You're welcome. I think just being able to love yourself right now is my answer. I think being able to truly and deeply and radically love yourself and accept yourself for all of you is greatness.

1:17:29Because we've both seen the achievement. It's not it. It's not it. It's like being of service and loving yourself. There you go. Appreciate you. I appreciate you so much. I love you. Love you too. Thank you. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts.

1:18:08Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.