How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships

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```markdown The School of Greatness Podcast Episode Summary

Episode Title How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships

Episode Description In this masterclass episode, Lewis Howes interviews three influential guests — Melissa Urban, Gabriel Iglesias, and Tabitha Brown — who share their insights on setting boundaries in various relationships, including marriage, family, and personal growth. The discussion emphasizes the importance of authenticity, personal growth, and maintaining healthy connections while pursuing individual dreams.

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Key Learnings

Understanding Boundaries

Definition of Boundaries: Many perceive boundaries as being controlling, whereas they are, in fact, about creating freedom in relationships.
Freedom through Boundaries: Establishing boundaries allows individuals to feel empowered and to show up authentically in their relationships. Melissa Urban emphasizes that boundaries are essential for personal freedom and growth.

The Balance of Compassion and Boundaries

Clear boundaries should be set while maintaining compassion and flexibility towards loved ones.
It's crucial to express feelings honestly rather than resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Navigating Relationship Dynamics

Personal Relationships: Relationships evolve as individuals grow. Open communication about needs and limits is vital in maintaining connections while transitioning into one’s authentic self.
Fame and Relationships: Gabriel Iglesias discusses the difficulties of maintaining personal relationships in light of increased fame and the importance of establishing clear boundaries to protect personal dynamics.

Parenting and Boundaries

Tabitha Brown shares insights on setting healthy boundaries with children while ensuring they feel safe and heard. Modeling boundaries helps children understand their own needs.
Healthy boundaries foster a sense of safety in children, allowing them to express themselves without fear.

Personal Growth Through Boundaries

Self Accountability: Setting boundaries with oneself is critical. Current choices impact future well-being. Melissa encourages reflecting on how decisions affect "future you."
Importance of checking in with oneself and recognizing the impact of boundaries on mental and emotional health.

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Discussions on Personal Experiences

Overcoming Challenges

Melissa shares her journey from struggling with addiction to embracing boundaries that support her recovery.
Gabriel discusses the emotional challenges of fame and the necessity of dealing with personal issues to maintain mental health.

Strategies for Setting Boundaries

Assessing the impact of relationship dynamics and being proactive in establishing clear communication.
The importance of a graduated approach to boundaries — starting with gentle requests (green), moving to reminders (yellow), and ultimately firm boundaries (red) when necessary.

The Role of Authenticity

Emphasizing authenticity in relationships while pursuing individual goals creates stronger bonds.
Tabitha's relationship with her husband exemplifies this, as they support each other in their personal and professional journeys.

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Conclusion In this episode, the guests share their wisdom on the vital role boundaries play in enhancing relationships and fostering personal growth. The conversation imparts key lessons on managing relationships authentically while pursuing personal dreams, encouraging listeners to cultivate their own boundaries for a more fulfilling life.

Additional Resources

For more insights and tools, visit [The School of Greatness](https://www.lewishowes.com/1697).
Explore further episodes featuring the guests:
[Melissa Urban](http://greatness.lnk.to/1567SC)
[Gabriel Iglesias](http://greatness.lnk.to/1593SC)
[Tabitha Brown](http://greatness.lnk.to/1600SC)

Closing Affirmation Remember, you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. Go out and do something great! ```

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Transcript

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0:00Welcome to this special masterclass. We've brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today. It's going to be powerful, so let's go ahead and dive in.

0:19This is what I think people don't understand is you were extremely successful before these last couple of years of healing, of therapy, and creating boundaries. You didn't have certain boundaries, but you had this massive, you know, number one New York Times bestselling book. And, you know, this massive audience, you were extremely successful. So you can still function and be successful. But there was, you didn't have boundaries. And you hadn't processed a lot, right? Yeah. Well, by the time I wrote my books, I was pretty decent at boundaries. Especially around my, yes, especially around my entrepreneur.

0:54Because I figured out super fast when I quit my full-time job. But in your personal life? No, not as much. That's what I'm saying. You didn't have the boundaries in your personal life still. Not as much. I had some in some areas, right? Around my drug addiction and recovery, really solid boundaries. But no, not... From relationships. Yeah, relationships, especially with family, parents. And you were still able to be successful in society's terms with getting results. Yeah. Which I think people can see that and be like, oh, she's got it all figured out. Yeah. And you were able to function at a high level and accomplish a lot.

1:27but there's still stuff inside of you that you were working through, right? Definitely. And that's why I asked you a question. What do you think is available on the other side when you open the box at the right time for you? I'm not trying to have you open it up in this week or something, but when the time works for you, which you said may never be the right timing, what is available on the other side? It's freedom. Yeah. It's literally freedom. What is available on the other side is freedom. And that's really at the heart of my boundary practice. I think so many people think that boundaries are about pushing people away or holding them at a distance or that they're controlling or manipulative, boundaries are a gift in your relationship.

2:05Even in a relationship in which you are so close and so open and so vulnerable, like with my husband, we still have boundaries that are healthy for both of us. And so on the other side of like opening this box and exploring it will simply come a new set of boundaries. And hopefully those boundaries have continued to expand our relationship and they continue to allow me to show up in a way that still feels good to me and safe to me and then as that relationship progresses hopefully i can back those boundaries off because showing up all the time or most of the time feels good and safe that's what's on the other side of it yeah so it's really freedom yeah i think it's creating the the freedom and it's not saying okay you can walk all over me and do whatever you want now with friends or family our intimate loved ones, it's creating new boundaries in that space of freedom.

2:55Correct. Exactly. You might still put people at a distance, but you feel like you have freedom from that relationship or from the past, right? Yeah. And it's not even distancing, right? What it's essential, I'm not distancing myself from my husband or from my son when I set a boundary. What I am saying is I have this need, I have this feeling that I'm taking responsibility for. And here is that limit because you're not a mind reader and I shouldn't expect you to know it. And if you can meet me in this limit, then what you get is like a happier mom, a more patient mom, a more loving wife, a more, you know, romantic wife, somebody who can show up as her fullest self because I just had this like one small thing that I've asked you to do that you've said you're willing to do for the good of our relationship and for my own health and safety.

3:42Freedom. How free do you feel on a scale of one to 10? 10 being ultimate freedom. in these relationships that maybe you haven't opened the box yet? I mean, I still would say like a nine. Wow. I do. And I think it's because I recognize that I am in control of how I choose to respond to these situations, right? So I can't control what my mom does or says or whether she goes to therapy. I can't always control the way my husband shows up or my sister or my colleagues at work, but I can always control how I respond to those things. And that sense of empowerment, I think that comes from boundaries that come from my recovery practice that come from therapy that comes from my movement practice, like all of these things that require me to check in with myself and ask myself what I need, and then realize that I have the power to act on that.

4:34Those are the things that bring me real freedom. You and I have both been in relationships that we weren't in full alignment with our partners in the past. What do you think are the boundaries that people fail to set the most in these relationships that don't work and that continue not to work over time? What do we fail to set once we realize there's massive breakdowns? Yeah, I mean, I think, and this is the real challenge, is that when you're in a relationship breakdown or things aren't going well, and I hear stories like this from thousands of people all the time, right? Where it's like, I, in heterosexual relationships, the wife is doing all of the household management and all of the childcare and the expectations are only placed on her.

5:24And it's like, she's the default for everything. And she has to ask her husband to help and pitch in and babysit his own kids. And she comes to me and says, like, I don't know what to do in this situation. the challenging thing is that at that point, you can't solve that with a simple boundary, right? The boundary has to be like, I am going to go to therapy myself to explore what my options are, because at this point, the way this relationship is working is not working for me. But if we go back to like some of the things we've talked about, even earlier on in a relationship, I think setting a boundary like right away in a relationship, immediately, even before you start dating can be a super good litmus test for how well you can communicate.

6:06So it's like, we're talking about going on a first date and it's like, oh, by the way, I don't drink. So I'd love to meet you for happy hour. I'll just have like a D and see if there's pressure. See if that is weird. See if they give you like pushback on that. Or you can talk about, you know, before you get intimate, like, by the way, you know, this is what I said to my husband, like, by the way, you're wearing a condom. And until we both get STD tested and like swap tests, that's going to continue. And like, if that isn't respected, that's an immediate relationship ender for me. Like that's it.

6:36Right. So I think it can be helpful early on to set boundaries and relationships just to see how you discuss them, how you each view them. Do they see it as selfish? And if so, can you have that conversation? Do they push back? How do they handle when you navigate that pushback? I think that can be really important. What about with children? you know, as a parent, I don't have kids yet, so I can't relate to that. I can relate to my experience as a kid being obnoxious to my parents and probably driving them crazy and understanding that it's challenging for parents. How do healthy conscious parents create healthy boundaries with kids without neglecting their kids' emotions, feelings, and needs?

7:17Yeah, I think the two are definitely not mutually exclusive. So I think the first thing that you can do as parents is model healthy boundaries for your kids. So it is me, you know, saying to my husband, like, Hey, I need a half an hour of alone time. I'm going to go to my room. I'll come back out, you know, after I'm feeling a little bit more refreshed. Like when my son watches us do that, he recognizes that like in this family, it's okay to say no, that people don't get mad when you say no, that mom's taking responsibility for her own feelings. So we've been modeling healthy boundaries, but I've had boundaries with my son from the very earliest age and I have set boundaries on his behalf.

7:51So one of the earliest boundaries I set with him or for him was when you visit grandma or grandpa or nana and pop pop and or Auntie Kelly and you don't see them very often. You don't have to hug or kiss if you don't want to. We have to be polite and say goodbye and say thank you. But you can hug, you can kiss, you can wave, you can fist bump, you can make a funny face, you can, you know, high five, whatever you want. But you don't have to hug or kiss if you don't want to. And so we had this like issue once with my mom where she was like, I really want to hug. Like, I haven't seen him in such a long time.

8:22I only see him a few times a year. And I'm like, I get it, but he doesn't want to hug you. And like, you need to respect that. And she did. And I recognized that it was disappointing for her. But also what I taught my son was that you have agency. And if you don't want to hug, you don't have to. And so now, you know, I'll come sit next to him on the couch when he's nine. And I'll be like, hey, do you want to watch Naked and Afraid? And like, do a little snuggle? And he'll be like, I'd love to watch the show, but I don't want to snuggle. I'm like, cool. That's fine. Yeah, that's good. Wow. So we've raised him in the culture of boundaries, and he feels now comfortable setting boundaries with me.

8:54And boundaries really create a sense of safety for kids. They do because they realize that the adults in their household are taking responsibility for their own feelings, that boundaries are not about pushing other people away. They're about creating that sense of family in a way that works for everybody. And I think they feel really safe to my kid. And what are the biggest boundaries you've had to create for yourself? Healthy boundaries for you individually, separate from family and loved ones? Zillions. I think boundaries with yourself are so incredibly powerful because they only rely on one person to hold them.

9:34Right. And you can immediately reclaim your time, your energy, your capacity, your mental health, your physical space and sense of safety. like that's an immediate benefit from you setting one boundary with yourself the challenging thing is that if you don't keep that boundary like what's going to happen right if you say to yourself i'm not going to check my phone in the morning before i do my morning routine which is one of my most beloved boundaries and the one that i've set for many many years and the one that i still hold to if i do roll over and check my phone before i go to the gym and do my meditation like nobody's to jump out of the closet and slap the phone out of my hand so but you're gonna know i will know and what's gonna happen is that there will be a massive ripple effect to future melissa really i think about future me all the time tell me more what is the decision that i'm making right now and how is it going to impact future melissa because current melissa is going to be so happy to just like stay up late and not start her bedtime routine and just do like one more you know show on netflix but what will this mean for future melissa she's going to be really mad at herself because she didn't get to bed on time.

10:39And then she's going to fall asleep late. And then she's probably not going to have as good a night's sleep. And then when she wakes up tomorrow, she's not going to be pumped for the gym. And she might even skip it because she's going to be tired. If she skips the gym before she does this interview, she's not going to be a good guest because she won't feel grounded and centered. When I play it out that way, it makes it a lot easier for me to be like, go to bed because future Melissa will benefit. So I have boundaries with myself where I'm not checking my phone in the morning before I do my morning routine, not checking my phone in like the half hour before bedtime.

11:09So I'm not checking Twitter one more time or email one more time. I have really strong boundaries. Like when I'm out of office, I am out of office. Unless something is on fire, you do not call or text me and I will not be checking text messages or emails. So, you know, I think I set boundaries with myself pretty often because I know that they can be like an instant sense. They can give me an instant sense of freedom. And nobody else has to even worry about it. What's the boundary you set in the last two years for yourself that has given you the most benefit? I think I've become more rigorous about what I say yes to in terms of work opportunities.

11:48It's hard as an entrepreneur not to feel like you have to or should say yes to everything. And like if I don't say yes to this, maybe they won't ask me again. Or who knows what this like lunch or coffee could turn into. but i think i don't know if we talked about this but like four years ago i got a concussion i'm still going through post-concussion symptoms that are triggered by air travel events like this speaking events in person events like any kind of stressor can set my concussion symptoms off and that forced me to become more rigorous about what i say yes to so now again i kind of have this audit like automatic pause before i say yes to anything even something that i think i'm super excited about it's like quick pause can you work this into your schedule will you have capacity to do this what else is this going to push off your plate and is that acceptable to you what are the things you're going to have to make up when you get back home and then once i think about that i either say yes or no and if i say no it's because again i know i'm serving future me i can be disappointed but i can also be happy that i've checked in with my own needs so that i think I've really dialed in on the last couple of years.

12:56And I think it's made a big difference in my overall capacity. Yeah. What boundary are you to set for yourself next year that you haven't done yet? I don't know. I'm not a New Year's resolution person. I tend to just take on these like self-improvement things as I stumble across them. Yeah. Like I started my cold shower experiment like in February two years ago, just randomly. So I'm not a New Year's resolution person and there is no one size fits all for boundaries. I won't know what my needs are next year until I get to next year. And I'm in the moment and I go, you know, my context has changed.

13:31My capacity has changed. My goals have changed. Do I still, I'm always reevaluating my boundary. Do I still need a boundary here? And if so, is this the boundary that I need? Because they should be flexible and I shouldn't keep a limit in place that no longer serves me. So, so I don't know. Ask me next year. What do you see since you've been working through this book for a while now? You've heard a lot of conversations from people, single, in relationships, family challenges, different things. What do you see that society needs in general to create better and healthier boundaries around? Welcome to my favorite TED Talk.

14:11It's just with social media, with work, with all the political stuff. Just what do people need in general? moving into next year you think? I mean we need honestly so much of the root of why boundaries feels like such an icky subject to so many people and I'm I will say especially women especially moms is because we have been conditioned by the patriarchy and stereotypically rigid gender roles and toxic masculinity which comes from the patriarchy and religious influences and diet culture and trauma and the media, we've been conditioned for my entire life. And even going back further than that, to not have needs, to not have needs, to be selfless, especially as a mom, we are praised the most when we are putting everyone else's needs and feelings and wants and desires above our own.

15:05Like we're not even on our own list. And if we're on the list, we're at the very bottom. And then when we do have a need and we speak it, we either hint about it because we've been told we can't be direct. And then we're disappointed that people aren't reading our minds or we're direct about it. And we're told that we're selfish or we're called a or any of those other monikers. So we have been conditioned to not have boundaries societally. And I think there's a lot of unlearning that we all have to do around what it means to have needs and to have those needs feel worthy. And the fact that like you of, you know, your own deletion are valuable enough to advocate for those needs.

15:47And then to remember that we have the power to advocate for those needs in a way that doesn't involve the other person. If I set a boundary with you, it can't be dependent on what you choose to do. The boundary I set has to depend on me, the actions that I am willing to take in our relationship to keep myself safe and healthy. Give me an example around that. We're in an argument and it starts to get really, really heated. And I say to you, please don't speak to me like that. It's really making me feel unsafe. I don't like it when you use those words. It's getting personal and we're not focusing on the subject at hand.

16:25And you are really mad and really triggered and you kind of keep going with that, right? I can't depend on you to change your communication style. The only thing I can do is say, I won't stay in this argument if this is how we're going to continue to talk about it. I'm going to take a 10 minute break. After 10 minutes, I'll come back to see if you're ready. So I can't depend on you. If I go to my family's house and they're talking about politics and we don't agree with politics, I can say, could we change the subject, please? And if they say no, then I have to enact my boundary, which is, OK, I'm going to go for a while.

16:59Yeah, remove yourself. I'm going to leave the table. Yeah. So all of that to say, we have a lot of unlearning to do about what it means to have needs and to advocate for those needs and to speak clearly. And what that means as a woman to speak clearly and directly versus what historically it's meant for a man to speak clearly and directly. Right. A man says it and he's decisive. A woman says it and she's aggressive. There's a lot of unlearning that we all have to do, I think, before we can get to the point where we don't automatically think of boundaries as selfish or controlling or manipulative.

17:30What I'm hearing you say is the boundary doesn't rely on another person's reaction. It relies, or if they agree to it or not, it relies on you. Yes. Removing yourself in a conscious way from the situation. Yes. Independent of how they show up. Correct. Now, I'm initially going to phrase most of my boundaries as a request. Yes. Right? Because you didn't know I had a limit. So I'm going to say to you, hey, I could use a half hour of alone time. would you mind if I go in my room or you know would you mind taking the dog for a walk or something right and if you say no then my boundary is to remove myself so I think that's another common misconception is that you know boundaries aren't about telling other people what to do or controlling other people I may phrase my request in that way as an invitation to meet me in my limit but I always have a backup plan this is what I'm gonna do yeah it sounds like you're using emotional intelligence language which is you know I have a request, this is my request, will you honor this request?

18:28Yes. As opposed to screaming at someone like, you're crossing my boundary, you know, if they didn't even know what the boundary was. Yes. I have this - Just making a request first and seeing if people will honor, respect it, or renegotiate it in some way. Yeah. If you want to accept that or not, you know, it all kind of depends. Yes. I have this like green, yellow, red boundary framework that I've been using since the earliest days of my recovery where I evaluate sort of the level of threat that the boundary crossing has on our relationship. And I've got these three different levels of boundary communication.

19:00So if your mother-in-law shows up on your porch uninvited and you really want her to call before you come over, but you've never said that before, I don't want you to open the door and go like, Barbara, you're not welcome without calling first and slam the door. That's like a red level boundary. We don't need to start there. The green is, hey, would you please call before you come over and give us at least an hour's notice. That would be really helpful. Thanks. That's your green, right? You're going in with a request. You're inviting her to meet it. Chances are she's going to go, yeah, that's fine.

19:29Now, if she shows up on your door again after you've expressed that limit and it's not some kind of emergency, you're free to open the door and say, oh, Barbara, you didn't call and it's not a good time. Would you like to come back and visit this weekend or should I just call you later on tonight, right? That's you holding your boundary. Sure. Yeah. And then red is what? Red is you don't answer the door. Because you've asked now several times for her to call before she comes by. And it's not an unreasonable request. And so the answer is like, you are not entitled to my time and home and space and family anytime you please.

20:04That does not feel unreasonable to me. Especially if they've said, yes, I honor your request and I will do this. And then if they say no, then you just say, okay, well, I'm not going to open the door maybe. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Exactly. Sometimes you have to live in the yellow. So this is really common with conversations around diet, body weight. If it's really ingrained in your family to talk about how much weight you've lost or whether or not this person has lost weight or how many calories you're consuming, and these conversations tend to happen around food, that can be really uncomfortable and triggering for some people.

20:37So you may say, hey, I would prefer not to participate in conversations where we're talking about my body, your body, anyone's body, calories. Can we just not talk about that? And they say yes. And then they bring it up at the table because it's very common, like family culture. You might have to use that yellow limit and remind them, hey, we agreed not to talk about this. If you can't change the subject, I'm going to excuse myself from the table. You may have to live in the yellow for a while if you're trying to re kind of change family patterns. But if they agree in the moment, they say, oh yeah, you're right.

21:07I forgot. then that's a win. And when you do that, when you continue to remind them, eventually, right, they're gonna remember, they're gonna remind themselves, and that's how you change entire family dynamics. Yeah, and people may agree to something and then forget. You know, it might take a couple times, and be like, that's my bad, you're right. Yeah, sure. How does someone create a better boundary around food? And where is the, why do people cross the boundary of consuming way more than they actually need for their bodies so frequently. Yeah. I feel like that's not an area where I have enough credentials or experience to talk about because there are so many factors involved in people's eating habits, right?

21:55There's physiological factors, there's stress factors, there's emotional factors, there's the impact of the kind of food that we're eating and the foods that are being marketed to us. I think there are a lot of reasons. And boundaries around food are tricky because you never want a boundary to feel punitive. So, you know, do I have boundaries around food? Kind of, I guess, in that I don't eat foods that I know don't work for my body, but that's not like all the time. I don't eat gluten almost ever on a regular basis because I know it really messes with my digestion and my skin and my mood. But when my mom bakes her chocolate chip walnut cake 100 % of the time, I'm like, yeah, I'm on it.

22:41So I think what I'm saying here is that my boundary isn't necessarily specific to like a food or drink. What my boundary is, is I'm not going to automatically say yes or no until I check in with myself and ask myself, is it worth it? Do I want it? What's the context? How I'm feeling? so maybe the boundary is like i just don't have an automatic yes or no it's the very first question i ask is reflective you know when humans don't express their feelings in a healthy way don't have a safe space to express them men women whoever bad things happen yeah that's why i think we see a lot of pain and suffering in the world and a lot of war and dis ease that's happening caused by a lot of men because they don't have the space to to share And that's why I think it's so important you're talking about boundaries, talking about healing, talking about creating a healthy boundary with yourself, opening up, expressing yourself.

23:34And I think I hope more people hear this message, men and women and every human hears this message about opening up their feelings. And it can be journaling. It doesn't have to be expressing it to social media every day. It can be journaling, talking to a therapist, talking to a friend. It can look different for everyone. Yeah, it can and it should. And I think, again, boundaries are a great way to start that opening up because you don't want to vomit every feeling you've ever had in a space that might not be safe for you. So you can set limits with different people, with social media groups, with whatever that looks like to be able to start sharing in a way that does feel safe.

24:15And then hopefully expand those limits as you gain confidence with sharing your feelings and as you're affirmed because you're sharing with the right people. Right. Yeah. So you said you were with drugs and alcohol addiction, right? Not alcohol. I never drank. Drug addiction. Yeah, just a lot of drugs. Do you think if you would have expressed your feelings more regularly, you would do less drugs at that time? I would never have started doing drugs. Really? The only reason I started doing drugs was because at 16, I was sexually assaulted. I didn't tell anyone for a year. When I did tell my family, they didn't handle it well.

24:49And they said, we can't tell anyone. We need to keep it quiet or it will hurt the family. and I felt like I had no outlet whatsoever. They put me in therapy, but I didn't want to talk about it. But you couldn't talk about it to your family. I couldn't talk about it to my family. I had internalized the message that obviously it was my fault. Obviously I had done something wrong. And so I began looking for things to numb that experience and to numb these feelings that I had been shoving down. I tried controlling my eating. That didn't work. I tried drinking. That didn't work. And then I found drugs, and I was like, this is it.

25:23Here we are. It made you feel better. Yeah, it took me away. It was the first thing that took me as far away from myself as I wanted to be. And then I spent five years doing it. Wow. Yeah. So how did you start to shift out of that? Was it talking about your feelings more? Like when did the process change to a different coping mechanism? Well, I mean, it started when I went into rehab twice. I went in twice, right? The second time it really stuck and I decided I was going to really change every aspect of my life and really become this healthy person with healthy habits. That was really the first time I ever set boundaries around my addiction and my recovery.

26:02And I think that's what changed it for me. That's why I didn't have a second relapse, but then it was just a process. So I started exercising and I certainly exercised to an unhealthy degree, but then that modulated itself. And then I started eating healthier and did my first full 30 and was like, oh, wow, the way you're using food is not super healthy and you know then i went back to therapy and started talking about more things but not all the things and i went through my divorce and really started talking about all the things so it's been like a process for sure wow yeah and i'm sure you know i'll talk to you two or three years from now and be like oh since we've talked i've done like x y and z and here are the other things i've done but what's the thing you're most proud of Melissa I'm like a way better mom than I ever thought I would be.

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26:49I'm a really good mom. I have a well of patience for my child that nobody in my life, myself included, knew existed. And I have a sense of love for him that I've never before experienced and like never will again. I'm a way better mom than I thought I would be. And I'm really proud of that. That's beautiful. That's really cool. I love my kiddo. That's really cool. Just wait till he's a teenager, right? Yeah. I can say that now. He's nine. He's in a nice little sweet spot now. How do you learn to let go of a relationship or relationships with people that don't respect your boundaries? So this is the thing.

27:31If your boundary is you telling other people what you are willing to do to keep yourself safe and healthy, that doesn't always mean that the outcome is desirable. If you're talking about boundaries at work and they won't respect them, are you willing to transfer departments, go to HR, look for a new job? If it's boundaries with a family member and they will not respect them to the point where it is seriously harming your relationship, your physical health, your mental health, are you willing to cut that person off? Are you willing to take a break from them or seriously limit the way that you choose to engage with them?

28:08We will communicate only via email and text at this point, not in person. not on the phone. You have actions that you are able to take, but that doesn't mean that those actions are always easy or always your desired outcome. And then what you have to ask yourself is how willing am I to let this person continue to harm me for the sake of preserving this relationship? And like, what would that look like? What does it look like? And are there limits that I can set in between letting them run me over exactly the way they are and cutting off the relationship altogether because there are a lot of things I think that you could do in between to preserve the relationship in a way that works for you.

28:47You just have to be willing to like find it and then ultimately hold it for yourself. Yeah. Oh man. I know it's not easy, but I don't, I don't want to be in a relationship that makes me feel like crap every time I show up or that doesn't allow me to be my fullest self or that like hurts me every time I'm there. It's not worth it it I don't think that it is and I can't make that decision for anybody else if you say like no I she's my mom and I want to maintain a relationship with my mom and like it she's family and I'm going to then like that's your decision but I want you to go into it eyes open yeah I think there's listen I think there's I used to get really annoyed with my mom right I think because I'm the youngest of four and I used to feel like she always treated me like a baby Even today, it's like I'm doing so much for her and different things, but she still treats me a certain way sometimes.

29:38It's like, okay, mom, don't do this. It's like this little annoyance, right? And it wasn't until a few years ago where I said, you know what? I'm just going to accept her for it. I may not like it. I may not enjoy it. But how can I change my response and my feeling towards it? How can I tell a different story to myself about how my mom shows up? Is it the worst thing in the world? Is it like ruining my day? No, it's an annoyance that I grew up with this feeling. And if I want to have a deeper, healthier relationship with my mom, right, as she continues to get older, I want her in my life. I don't want to distance myself because some things she says or does annoys me every now and then.

30:15Yes. It's not like she's trying to ruin my life. Yeah. It's just her way of being. Yeah. And I've communicated what I don't like and it's still happening. It's like, okay, then do I want her in my life? Yes. Is she gonna be this way? Yes. Okay, do I get to love and accept her for who she is and shift the narrative within me and have more patience, like you said, and learn how to deal with it? Yeah. Absolutely, if that's the relationship I want. And since doing that, the last couple of years, like it doesn't annoy me as much anymore. Yeah. I'm kind of like, okay, I just kind of laugh it off as opposed to get frustrated.

30:49Yes. Because I chose to be different around the situation. So there are nuances to it as well, I think. There absolutely are. And this is why there's no one size fits all boundary scenario, because what might feel like an annoyance to you might be really harmful to somebody else. What one family is like, oh, my gosh, how how could you interact like that as a family? That wouldn't work for us as somebody else's like, absolutely. Drop over whenever you want. You don't even have to knock. Like, there is no one size fits all. The door is always open. Absolutely. Stay anytime you want. But I do like this idea of asking myself, like, what is the story I'm telling myself about this?

31:24And like, is there some examination of that that I could do on my end? Can I be more flexible or more accepting? Sure. Unless it's some extreme thing where you don't feel safe, then create the boundary. Yes. Right? You need space. You need, okay, cool. But if your mom's just being annoying every now and then, like, okay, just love her and accept her and just move on. I think so. Yes. Well, the book you have, The Book of Boundaries is a game changer. It's about setting the limits that will set you free. And I think the thing that most people want is freedom. We talked about it. It's something I wanted my entire life that I struggled with.

31:58I didn't feel free internally. And the process of creating agreements with myself, creating agreements with others, and healing and integrating that healing process throughout life is what has allowed me to be more and more free every day. And so if you guys are looking for freedom, make sure you get a copy of this book. You can go to melissayou.com. It'll have the book there. You can get it there. It's on Amazon as well. The Book of Boundaries or anywhere else you guys get books. How else can we be of service and support to you today, Melissa? I like that you asked that question. Thank you. This conversation was everything.

32:37I always love coming in here to talk to you. And I always feel like you get me to share more than I thought I was going to, but in like a really safe and authentic way. So I appreciate that. I always enjoy our talks. Thank you. Of course, of course. I want to acknowledge you Melissa for taking on this challenge of talking about this because I think you're similar to me in some ways that I write the books that I need. Yeah, yes. Right, Whole30 was for you. Yes. The book of boundaries is for you. Yes. Right, you were like, I didn't have any boundaries, let me learn this process and then write about my findings and how it's helped me.

33:16Yeah. And so, you know, I do the interviews that I need, right? It's like the things that I do as well. So I want to acknowledge you for having the courage to take on this topic, create boundaries in a healthy way in your life and all your relationships because it can be very challenging if you've lived a majority of your life without them. Having to shift into becoming the person who creates healthy agreements and boundaries in your life with yourself and with others. So I acknowledge you for taking this on and for sharing this wisdom with so many people that could use this book.

33:53You mentioned this, how people call you fluffy. Do you think that supports your success but holds you back in other ways? Or do you feel like that is an empowering thing for you with your identity and where you want to be? There are so many more pros than there are cons. The cons are very small. They're very small. No, man, let me tell you. when people when you get recognized you know i have other friends that are you know other comics and i know a lot of people that are that are famous and i don't know man i get i don't want to say that mine is is better but for some reason when i get recognized it's i'm not seeing like like oh it's a particular sweat kind of a thing you know the recognition i get from people the The look is almost like, hey, man, this guy's like, it's like seeing a family member you haven't seen in a long time.

34:50And I feel that from people when I get recognized. It's not, it's very different. I see how other people get recognized. And I'm like, wow, okay, with me, it's a lot different. I get people right away that are like, like the glow and the energy is very, it's like, it feels like family. like a like a moment like a real sweet sweet thing and um i love that it's it's it tells me that what i'm doing is making a difference what i'm doing because i get a lot of people also that will open up you know hey man i was going through this and i was watching and hey man uh just so you know you i've heard you've helped me get through so many times and it's that's an incredible feeling and that's a game changer so when i hear something like that it changes the whatever mood I'm in, it corrects it.

35:39I'm like, you know what? Stop thinking like that. Whatever you're dealing with is nothing. This dude is like, you just put things into perspective. So being fluffy is very much a good thing. A lot of pros to it. Yeah. A lot of pros. Do I wish I could vent about certain things? Of course I do. But I think that it's part of the deal. You have to sacrifice. This is part of the sacrifice to be where I'm at. You mentioned some people will just say, hey, Fluffy on the streets or whatever, and they'll be like, oh, it's Gabriel Iglesias. You know, who is Fluffy versus who is Gabriel in your mind? They're pretty much like this.

36:20But, you know, Gabriel does have bad days. Really? Fluffy can't have bad days. He's not supposed to. And if I do, I try to find a way to push it into the show. Like, for example, in my show right now, without giving too much away, because I have a new special coming out. One of the things I'm talking about is I'm talking about things that happened to me that weren't great, weren't fun, weren't awesome. I'm starting to incorporate more of, you know, after so many years, and now I'm coming up on 50 pretty soon. Wow. You know, there's more things that have happened. For example, I'm talking about the fact that I almost died in a plane crash that made the news.

36:57Wow. I'm talking about the fact that they broke into my house, you know. Someone broke into my house and went through my things and just a bad situation. I'm talking about that I reunited with my father who I haven't seen in 15 years and how awkward that was. And so there's now moments where I'm like, okay. So it's not all like, hey, rainbows and unicorns type of thing. It's like, okay. So the challenge now is making those situations funny. Near death, how can you make that funny? That's a challenge. Wow. But I am talking more about things that aren't as fun and pleasant. What do you think has been the darkest or most miserable moments you've had?

37:38You know, I think that feeling confused is something that definitely is painful. Not knowing. Living in a gray area of confusion. Not being able to have clarity and understanding. especially in relationships, not knowing where you stand. And a lot of times, I think we're the ones responsible for that, because we allow certain behavior to continue because we're trying to keep certain people in our lives. And unfortunately, some people should not be in our lives. And that is a hard pill to swallow as well. Because as much as whether it's friends, family, or business acquaintances, some people do not belong in your life.

38:29And the sooner you can get them out, the better you're going to be. And unfortunately, there was times when I didn't just have days or months or a year. I've allowed situations to go on for a very long time because I didn't want to be the bad guy to pull the plug. Really? And so I took on the pain and the frustration and the issues because I didn't want to be the bad person who who said let me hit the stop button because I didn't want to be that person but at the same time I wasn't doing myself any favors by not stopping or correcting certain things that were happening yeah I can relate to that because I've been in I'm a slow learner sometimes and I have to go through a lot of pain in order to learn lessons and I had many long-term relationships intimate relationships that I should have been out of much years before I got out of them and dealt with a lot of pain by trying to people please, by trying to change myself to keep someone happy that was just never going to be happy with me.

39:31And so I can relate to that feeling. When did you feel like you learned that lesson or what shifted inside of you that allowed you to say, okay, I can no longer be this way anymore with this person or these people in my life? I'm still learning. And it's one of those things where maybe this period of time was was good and helpful and it allowed growth and joy and happiness but then maybe you know uh letting it go this long just kind of like like it it's now it's going down and now it's going in the opposite direction so i'm still learning and i'm still adjusting and uh the people that i've started with are not the people that are you know always the The ones you start with are not always the ones you end with.

40:16And fortunately, there have been many people that are still in my life that I've been on this quest with for so many years. For example, like my team, the team of people that I have, I still have the same manager and agent that I've had for, God, like 20 years now. Wow. You know, and it's awesome. And the fact that we've all grown together has been the same promoter as well. Wow. So I've been very in a business of show business. You're always jumping around. It's always go, go this way, this way, whatever works. And, you know, it's very cutthroat. So the fact that I've been able to maintain and have this same group of people, it's huge.

40:59Wow. Because the trust is there. And going back to that whole thing of having the wrong person in place, I had people in place that were making me question, are these the best people for me? Interesting. And I feel like loyalty is one of the strongest, biggest things that people take for granted because they're thinking about the money. They're thinking about this or that. But loyalty is so huge. Being able to trust someone is so huge. And I think that a lot of people just kind of go, eh, you know, whatever. And like, oh, and that's why for me to let people go is really, really hard because I'm like, am I going to make a mistake?

41:38Am I going to regret this? You know, what's going to happen? And so sometimes I will overthink. But being able to trust somebody and being able to have the right people in your corner is really huge. And it is a big key to happiness and joy and peace. Wow. That's powerful, man. I love that you talked about therapy. And I know you've talked about this in different interviews. I speak about it a lot on this show. Just my journey of healing and therapy and lessons I've learned and mistakes I've made. And I feel like it's been so beneficial to creating more clarity and peace inside of me by having a place to talk about challenges, pains, frustrations, upsets, things like that.

42:19What would you say are the three most powerful things you've learned through the therapy that you've done? Again, being able to question myself. I know I'm not always right, and I will never claim to always be right. And that's one thing that I had to learn by going that, you know what, just because you're popular, just because people like you doesn't mean you're always right. And I was writing that for a minute and I had to come with the reality that, you know what, dude? No, you're not. You're not always right. And, you know, that's a tough one to swallow right there. Especially when you're selling out arenas and people are laughing at everything you say.

42:59It's hard to admit that, yeah, because when you're doing all these great things, like, are you kidding? You're in magazines. You're in the top Forbes maker of the year type of thing. You're selling out stadiums. You're doing all kinds of crazy. You've got a freaking car collection that Jay Leno's like, wow. You're doing all these amazing things. So to be able to feel like, really, I'm wrong? You know, that's hard. It took me a minute to really to get that. But, yeah, I admit it all the time now. That was stupid. I shouldn't have done that. So, yeah, I definitely feel like that was huge, being able to learn that because I feel like I did need to learn.

43:43And nobody would tell me. Really? That's another thing. Once you're at a certain place where the wheels are moving really well and money is good at keeping people. Hey, let's keep this going here. You know, don't nobody tell him anything. Don't don't ruffle feathers. Don't upset him because if we we mess this up, you know, so who's going to tell me I'm wrong? And that's a tough one. I had to figure that one out. Nobody said you're wrong because they're not none of this. We're not going to mess any of this up. Right. We don't want to stop the money machine coming in right now and everything that's happening.

44:19So, yeah, but I can be wrong in business. I can be wrong in relationships. And I've been wrong in both. Yeah. I've made decisions where I'm like, oh, okay. Maybe that didn't work out right. Right, right. I've had a number of different, I guess, inner painful challenges in my life, especially in my 20s and 30s from previous relationships I was in that were not in the right alignment. Nothing wrong with them. I choose poorly and I stayed in those things too long, right? And I remember just feeling a lot of pain and sadness when I was in those relationships and the aftermath of the breakup and the pain and sadness there, all that different stuff.

44:56And I remember I was going through a breakup one time about, I don't know, five years ago. And I was feeling one of those painful moments. And I had a guest on who I was telling him about what I was going through. And he told me a bad day for the ego is a great day for the soul. And he said, think about all the past experiences you've had where you've had pain. and maybe you wouldn't wish that anyone would go through them and you didn't wish you had to go through them but you also know you want to take those things back because of what you learned through them you just mentioned this right the lesson that they gave you peace you have clarity now it's like feeling that misery now you can have peace because you know what that felt like and so I started to travel in time in the future since that moment about five years ago when I've gone through challenging moments to think, how is this happening in my benefit for my future self?

45:51How is this painful moment, this season of life going to benefit me in the future? And that's really helped me navigate these kind of painful moments easier, knowing that everything in the past that I've been through, although it was hard and I didn't like it, I'm using it for my benefit now today. And it makes these other moments of beauty that much more beautiful. So it sounds like you've been doing that also. Oh yeah. Which is really cool to see. Um, if you could go into the future and see yourself 30, 40 years in the future, what advice would you give yourself now? If you are in that future, 30, 40 years ahead, and you're reflecting back on everything you've created now, and you can speak to your current self, what would you say?

46:42Stop drinking. Start eating better. Start working out. And start enjoying the fruits of your labor. Wow. Stop saving all that money for who? Start enjoying life. Start taking some breaks. Start taking some trips. Start having some fun. What's it going to take for you to do those things? Like, what's it actually going to take for you to do that, though, and not just, you know, another year go by? Well, I should start doing more of these things that my future self is telling me. What do you think it's going to take? What's it going to take? I don't know what it's going to take, but I'm saying it out loud, and that's not something I've done before.

47:22Really? You know, I've not said this out loud, back to back to back. So, you know, if it does happen, then consider this the first step to saying it out loud. That's great. You know, because I've acknowledged publicly this is the issue. That's great, man. I want to see you follow through on all of what your future self tells you to do. I think that'd be inspiring to watch. I got a few final questions for you. This has been really, really inspiring, Gabriel. I appreciate it. How can people best support and serve you? You give so much to the world. You give so much to your team, to your friends, to your community.

48:01How can people best support and serve you? uh if if they like what i do and and i i bring joy to their lives tell somebody you know let people know hey you know i'm only doing this because people still come to the shows if people stop coming then i stop doing this wow so as long as people come out to the shows and that's that's going to keep me going uh i got to a place where you want to talk about feeling not feeling good not feeling uh positive about what i was doing uh i talked about retiring i talked about retiring because i wasn't sure that this was giving me what i needed you know i didn't i wasn't feeling good and it wasn't it wasn't the stage that was hurting me it was how i was feeling in just my everyday life and I felt like a lot of it was coming from that and it wasn't it was just me not dealing with certain issues in my life and I'm like you know what am I doing this for I'm still on the road it's been so many years and I was reminded by my publicist yesterday he goes you know what you you kind of brought up the retirement thing a couple times oh yeah you're right I did I did I did I said that um because you know at this point I'm like what am I supposed to do but I think that I'm clearly missing the fact that I do have a more of an impact than I thought I did on people's lives.

49:31And it helps more than it hurts. And I should continue to do this as long as I can. Yeah. I mean, and so the best way people could support me, just keep coming out. There you go. You know, like your prices are too expensive. Everybody else got more expensive tickets. Look online. Exactly. Look, look online. why do you think so you mentioned you wanted to retire multiple times is that was that a season of life yeah well um especially right after dodger stadium because that put me in a different place mentally because it's not every day you can say that you saw your peak you know and it's hard to argue that one because it's like uh okay this is the biggest it's the biggest show that's ever happened and on the west coast that i know of wow i don't know of any of show that's been that big for comedy how many people were there uh almost 50 000 holy cow yeah so you know uh so how do you set a new goal interesting you know what i mean it's like okay what am i supposed to do now you're on the other side of that and it's like oh you know you freaking jump the shark man you're you're you know so like in a perfect world like if it was a movie i looked at it like a movie like the best way would be to to finish that night and thank you here's the end of the career wow you know and it was literally i want to say like three weeks uh after my 25th anniversary of being a comic holy cow so i like numbers like that oh after 25 years like this is how biggest show ever done but i still love it but at the same time again you know dealing having certain situations in life and then trying to do this that night everything just fell into place It felt so good.

51:18Best night of my life. Hands down, best night of my life. But then the next day, it's like, all right, now we're back to reality. Really? Did you kind of have like a hangover, emotional hangover? I had an emotional and a physical one because I drank on stage that night. So I killed a bottle in front of – and what I thought was really cool was that everybody – well, I didn't see anybody leave, but it felt like even after my show was over, I stayed on stage and I just started telling random stories. I brought my friends out on stage and we're drinking. They're playing music. We had him playing Vicente Fernandez over and over, and we're taking shots and just drinking.

51:51Oh, God. I want to say that it was almost$200 ,000 for the fine for going over. Oh. Yeah, when you rent out a stadium. Oh, you got to be out. Yeah, there's a cutoff time. We went way past that. And so, yeah, I got fined. Best fine I've ever paid. Yeah, well, you're ready to pay it. Again, you know, it's not every day you can say that this was hands down, no question, best out of my life. But then, you know, all right, now what? If you were to take a year off, let's say, not completely off, but maybe you pulled back on touring. Maybe you weren't doing a special. Maybe, you know, and I don't think anyone on your team wants me to even say this.

52:33But if you were just to pull back, what would you do with your time to take care of you? That's an easy one. COVID. COVID kept me home for a year. and in that time that I was home for a year, I started eating better. I didn't drink as much. I probably didn't drink at all and started working out. So I probably lost 70 pounds that year. Come on. Yeah. Wow. Because I was able to be consistent. I wasn't on the road, so I was home. I was able to get into a routine. You know, my friend, personal trainer, we were hanging out all the time. So we were just like, we would hang out and work out. We would walk and work out.

53:06Yeah. So it was just, you know, that whole year I dropped 70 pounds. Wow. Wow. And then as soon as we went back to work, I gained back about 40 of that. So fortunately, I still kept a little bit of that, you know, progress off. But, yeah, I'm not where I was in 2020. 2020, when everybody was kind of, yeah, getting sick, I actually got better. Interesting. Man, well, I know you've spent. So if I was to take a year off, and that's another reason, too. I said, well, you know, if I keep grinding it out there, all I'm doing on the road is making bad decisions. I'm drinking I'm eating I'm just I'm not sleeping the way I should I'm just I'm it's it's taxing you know it's go go go travel travel travel you're just it's you're all over the place and I'm not doing myself any good and so that's another reason where I was like oh this isn't you know I should probably go away from this you know so that was one of the things about the retirement and then everything else that was happening yeah I mean I mean I'm not saying you retire because you bring so much joy to the world but you could do stuff at home you could work at home you could you know do tv shows you could do other things with a routine in your bed you know in your space with the right support around you and still work maybe just a little less oh i know i could and it's so much easier to make excuses and the problem i have is i'm really really good at making excuses.

54:31Oh, I have to go do this tour or they need me. Oh, I wish I could, but, you know, yeah. And the problem is that I believe my own excuses. You know? And that's a tough one, man. I know that half the time I'm full of shit. Like, come on, man, really? You know? I mean, I know we just met each other and I know we're having, you know, this type of conversation here, but how could I support you in stopping the excuses for yourself? Oh, well, again, having the conversation. I don't have these conversations. People in my circle aren't going to pull me aside and go, you know, you really should stop eating so much and drinking so much.

55:07And, you know, it wouldn't kill you to lift up freaking weight. You want to go for a walk? It is an uncomfortable conversation because I'm being very vulnerable about the fact that this is a problem I have that I haven't addressed. And I don't, I can make a million, I can make a million excuses but in reality it's it's just it's just me yeah you know yeah so the best way to support me is the fact that we're having this conversation yeah and i'm not trying to you know get you upset at me if we just met each other oh i'm not mad but my my thing is from an outside perspective i see the talent that you have i see the success you have i see the career you've made that what people would dream of having right other comics are like look at you as this the career is like a dream career, right?

55:57But I think about your 80-year-old self and what he wants for you. That's what I, what I think about is what is your 80-year-old you want for, for you at 80, at 50, at 60, at 70, you know, and he wants you happy. He wants you healthy and he wants you feeling good. That's what I think from an outside perspective. So I, I have this conversation with you because I, I want to see you continue to bring joy to so many people in the world for a long time. And I want to see you bring joy to yourself for a long time. So that's why I have the uncomfortable conversation with you, risking you getting frustrated at me.

56:36But I want to see how I can support. So I'm going to follow up with you afterwards, man, and see how I can support you. Eliminate these excuses because it's not easy. You know, I have excuses for myself with different things as well that I need coaching. I need accountability. I need to, you know. Oh, yeah. Those are tough words. I had learned a lot of those words in therapy. Accountability. That's a big one right there. No one wants to be responsible and accountable. That's a tough one right there. It's not. Especially when you've created so much for yourself. You've worked so hard. You've worked your butt for so long.

57:10And you want to enjoy some of it too, so I get it.

57:17what have you learned about the keys to having a healthy relationship and successful marriage when you didn't have the success the fame the notoriety you know for the first I guess 15 years to now having more of that what have you learned as one person in a relationship you know gets more famous and successful and financially well off. What have you learned or what advice would you give others in relationships? For us, it's always been we all we got. Right. You know, the saying, don't believe the hype. I live by that. Don't believe the hype. My husband, we are our foundation. That's where it begins.

58:03It's God first and then us. Right. Then the children and all the things. but together we can do everything together. You know, my husband was, we moved to LA and so that I could pursue my dreams. For 15 years, he was a Los Angeles police officer. Wow. He was like, I can go get this job and we can at least have one solid income that has benefits, you know, because we had kids and you could pursue your dream and never have to get, you know, a career, like a job job, although I always had a job, but I might have a job for a year or two and then quit or you know whatever so he sacrificed right he did that and I used to tell him five years I'm gonna blow up out here in LA and I'm gonna take you out of there he'd be like don't I don't care about that I just won't I'm fine pursue your dream pursue your dream right we did that together and so didn't happen in five years but after 15 years I was like listen this don't even make sense for you to be working no more please retire like from LAPD and do something that you want to do, you know, something else.

59:08So being together and never letting the noise in, like people start believing the hype. I am Tabitha Brown only because I carry my husband's last name. Right? So I am a wife first. Like that's what it is. Like me and my husband, that's it. Everything else is added on. That's all. It's just work is work, but we never let it. I don't know how to explain it. I think that people, sometimes they forget that marriage should be first. You know, and for me, it's family first. It's going to always be that. My career is my bonus that I get to live. Right. That all the other things, it's the bonus. Because my dream God gave me, I also feel like my husband was part of my dream.

1:00:10Right? That's part of who I am. This is who he chose for me. Right. Right? To do this life with. What's his name? Chance. Chance. Mm-hmm. What's the thing you love about Chance the most? Honey, he makes me feel safe. But Chance is not going to do nothing that Chance don't want to do. And you be like, hey, you want to go to that? Nope, not doing that. Like it's just some days it gets on my nerves, but it's also admirable. Like, oh, you're not easily influenced. He's authentic. He is. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I guess in the marriage, you got to have to do certain things you don't want to do all the time.

1:00:47Let me tell you now, it's me today's though. He get on my nerves with that. I'd be like, you know what? I can't stand that about you. And then other days like, I love that about you. But I think another thing is he's a phenomenal father. I've been able to witness my husband in all stages of his life. Right? We grew up together. We've known each other pretty much our whole life since we were 10. And so I've seen him as a boy. I've seen him as a young man. And now, you know, a man, man, you know, he's 45. And it's been an honor to watch him evolve and grow. Wow. And mature. but fatherhood has been one of the best things to witness.

1:01:31That's beautiful. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. If someone is feeling maybe not like in a complete depression or completely sick or completely out of it, but they just know there's something more for them, maybe their relationships aren't where they want them to be or maybe their career is just off a little bit or they just feel like, I just don't feel like the fire inside of me is driving me to where I need to be. You talk about 30 days to living free. What's the first few steps someone can take in starting to live free to get that alignment back inside of them? Yeah, it's so funny because this is why I started this challenge, right?

1:02:08This is a challenge that I started in 2014 because I was trying to because what you're describing is feeling stuck. Right. It's like, you know, there's something else, but you don't know what it is. We get in such a routine that we forget we haven't done anything outside of our routine for so long. So I always say start with doing something new. It can be as simple as driving a different way to work or a different way to a friend's house, whatever, or walking a different way, just so that your eyes can see something it has never seen before. Something new that shifts the brain, right? Like even wearing something you normally don't wear.

1:02:46Like for me, I always tell people, if you wear black all the time, throw some color on. I gotta throw some color on soon. Like for me, I don't like wearing black, but I found this and I was like, you got a little color on it. It's cool. I'm doing a new thing. Right. And so it's little things, even trying a new food, you know, going to dinner or lunch by yourself. You know how many people are afraid to eat alone? I know. Doing things that challenge you that will open up a new space inside of you. That's what doing a new thing does for us. And that's how we start to think, oh, OK. And then going back to like, what is your dream?

1:03:21Like, what's the thing that won't let you rest? And I talked about this recently because people sometimes they get confused by a dream versus a goal. Goals are things that we create. Dreams are deposited inside of us. Let's go. We don't make them up. They live there. That's why we can't rest because they're constantly nagging us. A goal, you can be like, I didn't make that goal. Or I did it, Chet. But the dream won't let you rest. Even when you even when you manifest it and it comes, it still is persistent. There's more to do until we are getting called home. The dream is just it lives inside of us.

1:03:59Yes, it's born inside of us. So I always say do one small thing every day towards your dream. Even if you're stuck in the nine to five job or in a relationship that, you know, or business, whatever the case is, that makes you feel like, oh, I don't have time to do something towards me, right? Which we all are worthy of doing something toward ourself every day. Do one small thing, whether it's reading something that can help open up an idea in your mind to help you get closer to your dream. Whether it's watching a movie or a TV show or listening to a podcast that can help inspire or open up something in your mind.

1:04:39Something small, every day. One little thing. There's a lot of people that want to achieve their dreams or be successful so quickly. If they haven't made it by 27, it's like they're a failure. I don't know who put that time frame on us. But you started to really gain traction in your late 30s, early 40s, right? Yes. What was the biggest lesson for you for, I guess, having success later in your 30s and early 40s versus in 20s? What did you learn about yourself? I learned that I was not ready when I thought I was. I wouldn't have had none to show for it. Right. I needed to do, as my dad would say, keep on living.

1:05:24I needed to do more living before it came so that I could, A, know how to pray for it. Right. Because a lot of times I used to pray, pray, pray for all these things to happen. Oh, God, I want my dreams to come true. And, you know, I'm fast and I'm praying on it. but I was never praying God when I get it, prepare me to keep it. Let's go. This is the biggest challenge for a lot of people. I love so glad you said this because early on, I was probably 25, 26. I remember being broke living on my sister's couch for a year and a half, no money. Yeah. I had a mentor at the time that I was working for for free, learning from him.

1:06:00And I was like, man, I'm really struggling. I could really use some money right now. He said, money comes to you when you're ready for it. I was like, I feel pretty ready. I feel ready for this. But he's like, it'll come to you when you're ready for it. Otherwise, if you get it too early, you'll probably lose it. And I think it's similar to having a dream. If you're not prepared for success or prepared for the pressures that might come with it, you might sabotage it. You might lose it. You might squander it. You might not be ready for all of the responsibility, the weight that potentially could come with it, right?

1:06:34That's right. So you don't feel like you would have been ready for it in your 20s or early 30s, right? Oh, absolutely not. I wasn't ready for everything I was going to gain. I also wasn't ready for everything I was going to lose. What did you lose? Friendships, relationships, right? Things that people that I thought I would have in my life forever. And when I started walking in my freedom, they started to disappear. Wow. But God revealed to me, he said, everybody's not ready to walk in their freedom. So being close to you while you're in yours is disturbing their spirit. Oh. And I couldn't allow that to affect me in a way that I know it would have affected me in my 20s or early 30s.

1:07:11Oh, my God. But in this 45, I'm all right with it. I love them, but I understand. 45 feeling alive. Right. 45 feeling alive. Yep, yep. Wow. So, man, I can resonate with that because, you know, in my teens or my early 20s, there were certain relationships that I had formed that made me feel good and safe. Right? Yep. And I remember losing relationships almost every few years. And I would be really sad that I was losing these relationships. That people want to call me back or they didn't want to hang out anymore. But I also know that I was in such a pursuit of my mission and pursuing things that later I found out that some of my friends told me it scared them.

1:07:55Because I was pursuing certain things and they weren't pursuing the things they wanted. So I felt really hurt that they didn't want to hang out anymore. But it also kind of set me free to have more time for mentors or people that were wiser or older than me who I can learn from and build relationships with them to give me counsel. Yes. And to kind of guide me forward. That's right. And that's one of the most challenging things, I think, is leaving the friend tribe. Yeah. When you want to bring people with you, but they may not be ready for your next level. They can't all go. Everybody can't go.

1:08:31You know, I feel like a lot of times we feel bad because we, especially when you love people. I love people. Me too. I'm a people lover. If you're a loyal person, all these things, right? Yes, and you always want to turn around and bring them back. And God revealed one day to me, he said, listen, everyone who you need to bring along, you don't have to turn around to get them. He said, because when you turn around, that's when you get distracted from it. You got to keep your eye forward. The moment you do this, you might have just crashed. He said the people who are supposed to come, all you gotta do is go like this.

1:09:03You never gotta turn around. They right there. They right there. It's just like a hand off a baton. You watch a marathon. They ain't never turning around to reach for it. They just right here. So the ones who are supposed to come with you, you don't have to turn around to go get them. So you've been married for 20 plus years, right? Yep. How has that worked with your relationship and marriage? You know, with you and your husband, have you, did you have struggle when you started to step into your authentic self because you became a different person maybe you became the person you always were yeah right was there ever challenges in your marriage or relationship as you started to thrive or was there alignment right away and just like everything was perfect oh honey listen my husband was so happy he was like finally the world get to see who i know wow yeah i mean for years he hated the industry of hollywood because he saw how it changed me.

1:09:55He would always say, why you can't just be you? I mean, it would be all the time. Why you can't just be tabbed? You know, the same tabbed that talked to your daddy. And I'd be like, that ain't what they want. I gotta be this tabbed. Those were the arguments. And all the no's I would get and all the hard work I would be studying and going to class, and he was like, you're doing all of this, and they still don't like you. So he hated the industry for a long time. So when I became free and started walking in my freedom walk, he was like, now the world gets to see who I love. And I was like, you was kind of right about it, I guess, all along.

1:10:35But no, it actually has made our relationship better and stronger. That's great. Yeah. Chance the man. You know, you talk about fears a lot in the book. I did a new thing. What do you think was the biggest fear when you were not fully obedient or fully living the most authentic life that was meant for you? And what is the biggest fear now? Stepping into owning you 100%. I think the biggest fear before was, you know, dying with this thing inside of me. Like never letting it be seen, right?

1:11:22Fear now doesn't necessarily live with me as much. I don't know if I have a...

1:11:35I don't know if I have a fear. I want to... I want to change people. I want to affect them in the best way possible. And sometimes trying to spread love and positivity, people don't want to buy into that sometimes. Why is that? I think misery loves company. And sometimes happiness scares people. You know, you can have people that everything's going great and they'll be like, I know something bad is going to happen. Why? We're alive to go through it either way. You know, so I think sometimes I don't necessarily fear it, but I am concerned. Am I doing enough with spreading love and trying to reach people?

1:12:35Am I doing it the right way? even though I feel at peace about it I always you know I'm in prayer like God is this really what you want me to do I want to make sure I'm not ever being triggered to get back into being in control because you know healing is a journey and so sometimes we can be triggered to going back to our old things and my old thing is being I'm in control instead of no no I'm letting God be in control and I'm walking and I never want to go back. I never want to go back. How do you know when you're on the right path in surrender versus in control? I think it's that feeling for me.

1:13:26It's the feeling off balance. When you feel like you're trying to control things, you feel more off balance. Yeah, and when nothing seems to be lining up, oh, Tab, you trying to do this, step back. Step back and let's look at every piece of the puzzle and make sure you're not trying to create the puzzle, create the pieces, and put it all together. Sit back and let God do what God does. We still have to do our part because faith without work is dead, right? But still you got to let him orchestrate. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. What do you feel like will be the thing that holds you back the most moving forward?

1:14:12Besides, you know, being in trying to be in control or not be obedient? Is there anything else? You don't have the fears anymore. What are you preparing for? Like with the abundance coming your way, what are you preparing for to make sure you don't get in your own way? I think just staying true to who I am. Right. I don't I don't fear. I don't fear or project negative. Right. I'm not I'm not preparing for negative. I'm expecting the unexpected right which I'm always in my mind thinking of God saying is more than what I can imagine right that's greatness that's what I'm what I'm looking forward to I don't look forward to cloudy days although I know they will come but they're not it's not something I'm like oh I'm a I'm planning for a bad day no I'm planning for all good days I'm I'm I am being mindful and intentional with joy right so I don't think and and listen that may be the thing that holds me back and if it does then we will cross that bridge when we get to it but I don't plan on allowing anything to shift me outside of the position God has put me in I think that I trust God.

1:15:43I believe that he has me on this journey. And I'm all right with whatever come my way. There you go. That's just kind of how I feel about it. What do you think is the greatest lesson God has taught you? I was always enough. I didn't need to try to do his job. Because the thing about when you conform and when you try to, you know, create another person. That's me saying, God, you didn't do a good enough job on me. I had to fix me. But he taught me. He did a great job and I was enough just as he created me to be. Wow. That's inspiring. You've done, like, three books in the last four years? Yeah.

1:16:28Is that right? Three in the last four? Yeah, and a little journal, like a workbook journal, but yeah. I was keeping track. I know. Four books in the four years, yeah. This one's called I Did a New Thing by Tabitha Brown, your number one New York Times bestselling author, multiple New York Times bestselling author. This is all about the 30 days to living free. You talk about how to really create new habits and a framework around setting yourself up for freedom, stepping into your truth, overcoming your fears. I'm excited for people to get a copy of I Did a New Thing. What else are you most excited about these days that you're working on and how we can support and serve you?

1:17:01Yes. I know we were talking about it. I'm excited to get back into doing more acting and I love that you know sometimes and this is important for somebody to hear somebody needs to be reminded of this sometimes we have a dream right but our journey to get to it doesn't always look like how we envision it and so God took me on this whole different path that has led me back to be able to do the thing that I've been dreaming of since I was a kid and so more I'm acting I just finish a film, television, you know, doing things that really matter to me, making people laugh, sometimes making them cry, right?

1:17:39That's what we do as actors, making people feel. That's it. Creating more products that people can use in everyday life, because I think that's the most important. And I know my, I know my, my fan base. I know my, as I call them, my, my fan base, stay my family. And, you know, feeding people good food, good recipes, but also feeding their soul with inspiration and staying true. So I just keep on doing things that matter and that are, you know, real to me. That's beautiful. Yeah. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links.

1:18:25And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our greatness plus channel exclusively on Apple podcasts, share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

From the publisher

In this powerful masterclass focusing on family relationships, I sit down with three remarkable guests who share their profound insights on marriage, family, success, authenticity, and personal growth. Best-selling author Melissa Urban shares transformative wisdom about creating boundaries that lead to freedom in all relationships. Renowned comedian Gabriel Iglesias discusses the challenges of balancing relationships with fame and setting healthy boundaries. Award-winning actress and author Tabitha Brown opens up about maintaining a strong 20+ year marriage while navigating Hollywood success. Together, these conversations reveal essential truths about maintaining authentic connections while pursuing your dreams.

In this episode you will learn:

Why trying to control everything blocks authentic relationships and personal growth
The importance of setting clear boundaries while maintaining compassion and flexibility
How to navigate relationship changes as you step into your authentic self
The power of expressing feelings honestly instead of using unhealthy coping mechanisms
How to keep your marriage strong when one partner experiences increased fame and success

For more information go to https://www.lewishowes.com/1697

For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960

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Melissa Urban – greatness.lnk.to/1567SC

Gabriel Iglesias – greatness.lnk.to/1593SC

Tabitha Brown – greatness.lnk.to/1600SC

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