Karamo Brown on Finding Self-Love, Living Out Loud & Unlocking Your Authentic Self EP 1457

27:49someone's, I'm not even going to go there. I don't spiral anymore over anyone's opinion of my happiness. And it's a beautiful, freeing thing. Why do you think it's so hard for a lot of people in the world to be happy for what they want and not worry about the opinions of others, the criticism, the comments, the, or, or needing other people to do things for them to be happy in, in a way that they want it. Why do you think it's so hard for people to be happy? Um, well, most people haven't made the choice to be happy. Um, and that's just the truth. Um, I was doing this speaking event the other day, and for some reason on my heart, I just asked the audience, how many of you are choosing to be happy?

28:30How many of you wake up in the morning and make that a choice that you make? The same way you choose what shirt you're going to put on and choose what outfit you're going to wear and choose what cologne or perfume or whatever it is. You know, the same way you choose to put gas in your car. How many of you choose to be happy? And most people don't. like I told you when I said I was listening to you every day that was part of my regimen to choose my happiness it was like what is going to feed me this moment so that I could get the fuel I needed so every single day I could go out there and choose happiness and it sounds it sounds so woo woo and you know like you want me to choose happiness and the answer is yes I really want you to choose happiness because if you don't choose happiness the world will choose something else for you.

29:18The world will choose stress for you. The world will choose over being overwhelmed. The world will choose sadness. The world will choose all these other things for you if you don't choose happiness. And when you start to practice choosing happiness, you'll see how many things you'll walk away from. You'll see how many things you won't allow affect you. And so I think that's the first step that people have to do is start to choose happiness. And I'm not some guru for saying that. It's something that people have been telling us for years, but no one is telling us that it is a daily practice. Wake up and choose happiness because you deserve happiness.

29:52Absolutely. Amen to that. Yeah. I can hear you say this and I'm in the same frequency. This is something that I do consistently. It's a choice for me. Even when I feel overwhelmed or stressful moments, I shift into happiness pretty quickly because I have perspective. Yeah. Perspective. I just got back from Guatemala. I was in the jungle around kids that really have nothing. We're building schools out there and they're just happy to have a place to go and learn. They get maybe a meal a day, 10 huts, eight people in one room, but they're happy. And so having that perspective allows me to, it doesn't mean I still don't have challenges and problems and things happen, but shifting into perspective and gratitude allows me to choose happiness a lot better.

30:36For those listening or watching who are thinking this sounds great to choose happiness, but I'm broke. I'm in debt. I'm in a really toxic relationship. You know, I'm a single mom. I got four kids and I'm taking care of. I can't even manage my own life, let alone everything else. What do you say to people who are in those situations that are struggling to choose happiness because it just feels like there's so much chaos in their life? Well, first of all, I acknowledge the chaos and I think it's important that we don't give some false perception that when life is hard, that we can't acknowledge that it is hard.

31:11I had been there. Like I remember when I got out of depression, you know, I had a suicide attempt and then I became a father of two quickly of, um, you know, my kids were 10 and seven and I did not know how to parent. I didn't have no money. I was choosing whether I gave my kids gas money. I mean, gave my kids lunch money or putting gas in my car and things were difficult. The relationship that I was in was bad. It was unhealthy. And so I understand all of that list you just said. And back then I didn't choose happiness because of course, like you just expressed, you don't know how, you know, when there is darkness around you, you, it is very difficult to see it.

31:51And I acknowledge that. And so I will, I don't want somebody to feel alone and being like, well, maybe I'm just, because you'll end up getting into a cycle of being harder on yourself and you start beating yourself up because the world is beating you up. And in that moment, what I did is realize I get to say that this is the world. This is the world that the circumstances I was born into or situations that I found myself in because of choices I didn't know. The first way I used to choose happiness is I used to say something. There was a song and I I wish I could remember the artist's name. She'd say, I'm a young soul.

32:30I came to this strange. You know that song? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know the lyrics, but I know the lyrics. Yeah, I don't remember who that was. But I used to give myself some grace. And I would say, you're a young soul. You don't know. You didn't know. And that one statement that came from that song gave me just a bit to see that I could choose happiness because of the fact that I realized I didn't know this all. So now I know I'm a young soul. I didn't know it. So, okay. So these things are happening. What can I learn from each of them? And when I say, what can I learn from each of them was my next step of saying, learning is me choosing happiness in this moment.

33:12So I think we have to understand how to define happiness in our darkest moments or redefine happiness. So that way you can then feel better because learning for me, acknowledging that I was young soul and I wasn't supposed to know everything was maybe just a little happiness. It was a redefinition. Me then deciding to learn how to, I remember the first book I got on how to be a better parent. I was like, I'm so happy right now because I'm taking a step to learn. Yes. You're getting a tool. I'm getting a tool. Back to that little triangle, I'm getting a tool. And that tool for me made me happy.

33:48So I just spent the next couple of years of redefining over and over again what happiness looked like in the moment I was in. And I think if more people can do that, instead of looking at happiness is supposed to be on the beach, happiness is, you know, smiling kids. I don't know what happiness is supposed to be for you because like some days I'm like, okay, these kids just got out of school, went to school on time. You know, like I didn't get a call from a teacher. I am happy. Like I redefined happiness to that milestone. And then later on, I was like, oh my gosh, Now I'm working on my career and I'm doing this and and then I redefine happiness again.

34:26So I think the redefining happiness for you and wherever you are is it's going to be a helpful tool of, like you said, practicing that gratitude and recognizing happiness. Speaking about your kids, what's been the greatest lesson that your kids have taught you? They don't teach me anything. I'm joking. I mean, it's a million things they teach me. My son's making me better communicator. Um, my kids are the best mirror for me if I allow it. Um, and that's a big thing because a lot of parents don't allow it. They don't allow their kids to be the mirrors that they need. Um, and it wasn't even sometimes with the words they said, you know, I worked in social services for many years and I remember just coming home and being impatient because I was so stressed from work and my kids' problems just seemed so small.

35:19and there's nothing like being like, you know what, just look at all you have. Be happy for what you have. Saying that to a child and them looking at you like, like, what did I do? That you learn really quickly like, wow, I'm being impatient to your young life. Of course, you don't know what's going on in the world. So this is your world. And they're a young soul. Yeah, you're a young soul. This is your world. And in your world, this is a big problem for you. And so I have to have empathy towards that. it may not be a problem for you because you overcame it 20 years 20 years prior and so with them they just taught me like be introspective in that way like you know um i watched this youtube video today where this guy was in a mall and he was being interviewed by some youtuber you know tiktoker and someone walked past them in the camera and the guy who was interviewing said look look at this like he just walked he so wouldn't he walked past us while we're filming and the other guy speaking to him said well maybe we don't look at it as he's being malicious maybe he's in his head because something just happened and maybe like we have to just understand that like he's a human being going through a lot of stuff and maybe he's just unaware like many of us are unaware as we walk through this world and like and it's like wow and my kids did that for me the same perspective he gave my kids gave me that to me so when i'm talking to someone i always stop myself and I say, they're going through their own stuff.

36:41So right now I need to be empathetic to where they're at. And I'm not going to be impatient because they're not growing at the pace that I want them to grow at, or I'm not going to have this expectation of where they should be or what they should know because I assume that they should know it. And my kids definitely taught me that. And that came from me just looking at my, how I reacted to them, realizing that I need to react and better to them and I need to react better to the world around. Wow. One of the big challenges I see a lot of people face with is figuring out relationships in general, but typically intimate relationships.

37:16And I know you coach a lot of people on your talk show and also on Queer Eye. You guys work with people in their relationships, in their intimacy and how to really become better human beings. Why do you think people struggle so much in intimacy? And I know you and I have struggled in our past yeah yeah yeah we talked about it beforehand yeah but why do you think it's so challenging just for a lot of people um to create like harmony peace in a relationship not a perfection most people don't have the models of it and the models we're given you know is so dated i mean like people have said this a million times over but like think about it as kids you know as much as i love the new disney movie hailey berry is i'm halle berry is or hailey belly is just killing it uh like the first motto we gave to little girls was like give up your voice for a man you know like we like drop a shoe behind you know what i mean like i remember the first time i went to a guy's house and i left something behind it was like that's toxic and i did that because you know cinderella told me girl you leave a shoe behind he gonna come find you he's gonna invite you back and it's not true or beauty and the beast let me make you a prisoner let me make you let me abuse you abuse you and then have you fall in love with me fall in love with me i mean Come on.

38:29And so we don't most of us don't have the right models. We never got them. We might not have seen in our home. And if we did see in our home where it was really healthy, most of the times our parents didn't really tell us the struggles because every relationship has issues. And the ones that are perfect, if stayed together for 40 years, 50 years, usually aren't as transparent as they need to be about the struggles they had. I remember Michelle Obama, you know, a couple months back got in trouble because she had said she's been with Barack for 30 years and 10 of them were bad. And she said, I'll take those odds.

39:01And a lot of people were like, what, you're taking 10 odds? And she wasn't saying 10 consecutive years of like I'm being abused. She was saying within that, there are a lot of times that you have to work a little bit harder and you have to communicate a little bit better. And I think most of us don't have the models. So for me, what I've started doing now to have healthy relationships is from day one, date one. And this is a cute thing you should do. Day one or date one? Day one or date one. I say to my partner, the five things or the person I'm talking to, the five things that I think I need in this moment to have a healthy relationship.

39:39And I ask them, what are the five things they need? What are those five things for you? Oh, I need communication. I need um sensitivity sensitivity slash empathy um I need adventure um I need sexuality and sensuality I need a lot of that um and I need a lot of vulnerability um which is different than the sensitivity empathy from for me and those things right there it's like let's just get this out the way. Do you understand what those five things mean? And if you don't, I can give you some time to explain what those things are. So when I say I need adventure, it doesn't mean that I'm trying to, we need to be jumping out of planes every weekend, but it does mean at least once a month, we need to be a priority and we need to find something that's out of our everyday life to do together.

40:29Because I don't ever want to get into a routine with you. When I say that I need communication, that means that in the hardest moments of our life, I need to know that you're not going to walk away, that you're going to talk to me. It doesn't mean that I can't give you space to cool off or to, you know, get your time. But even that is a little bit of a different conversation of like, what is that space and time? And I think too many people go through the happiness and the joy and like, oh, the excitement and endorphins of it all. And then when those moments come, you have no baseline to say, well, I told you these were what I needed.

41:04And I don't know what you need either, because you never told me what are the things that are important to you? Because I think the more you can be honest and transparent about what you need and not being like, well, I need somebody who's got, you know, money and I need like, no, like, because it's really more of that emotional and mental thing that you need that when the hardest moments is going to what's going to make you or break you. Yes. Can you be sensitive to me being sensitive? that's a big thing for me because i'm a scorpion i'm sensitive as hell you say the wrong thing and i'm like i'm like hold on i'm over it you know right now and i'm like hold on do i strike back or do i do i go into like cry right i don't know and so can you be sensitive to that um is that too much for you and i think that if more people could have those conversations from day one to create a foundation and understand that those things could change and you got to check back in on those things.

41:59Because in three years, that might not be what I need anymore. And it might not be your list line, that'd be what you need. But are you really having those conversations? And if you're already deep into a relationship and you see that there's areas that you need to work on, go back to the basics and say, what are the five things you need? What are the five things that you need that are going to make you feel? Because sensuality and sexuality and that stuff for me. A lot of people get older and, or even young relationships, and it starts to become not a priority for one partner or for both. And that could break people up or make them start to cheat.

42:36So we have to come back together and re-engage. Like, what is the level of sexual intimacy that you need? So we stay connected. So you, you come to these five things day one, that's what you did with your current partner. Day one. Now I told you the day me and my partner to met i thought it was a booty call yeah and then we spent eight hours together not even a single drip talking and that was on the list of things we talked that's one of the things you're talking he showed me his bank account on the first night wait the number to log in or how much he had in the bank he showed me his bank account wow and it wasn't something that was like i'm showing off it was we were having conversation about financial stability i think that's so important to talk about all these maybe it's not day one for everyone in every like dating experience but i think it is so important.

43:17Why can't it be day one? Let's have our conversation. Why can't it be? I agree because this is what I did with Martha, my girlfriend. The first day we had a lot of these conversations. And one of the things that we talked about was priorities. This wasn't day one, but this was pretty quick within our dating experience before we got committed and exclusive. She was like, what are your priorities in life? The old priorities question that every man gets eventually. Right. And I said, are you sure you want to hear the truth? Yeah. Because in the past I felt like I had to skirt around the truth because there would be triggers or fear or reactions.

43:54I said, are you sure you want to hear it? She said, yes. I go, you may not like what I'm about to say and you may not want to hang out with me anymore. So just be aware you're asking for this. She said, what is it? And I said, my number one priority is not you. If we get into this committed relationship and no woman wants to hear or no other partner wants to hear you're not number one. Now there's context around this. Yes, of course. My number one priority is my health, my spiritual, emotional, physical health. Yes. Because if I have bad health, I'm not going to be good for you. So for me, that's why my health is my top priority so that I can be of service to my number two priority, which is still not you.

44:38Doesn't mean you're not a top priority, but the number two priority at this season of my life is my mission, my purpose, what I feel like I'm called to do at this season. And that is what I'm up to currently. And it doesn't mean I'm not, I'm going to neglect you. I'm not going to have time for you, but you need to make sure that you don't pull me from my mission, that you support me and elevate me in being of service to my mission because it's important to me. And if I feel like I'm pulled from it, then I'm probably to resent the relationship. But if you are a full alignment that my number one and number two priorities and what they are, you're going to feel like the biggest priority in the world.

45:16You're going to feel like number one. You're going to have more time from me than ever before. You're going to get the best of me and you're going to have everything you want. Let me tell you something. This is why I was listening to you every morning for a year. But let me tell you, have you ever been to a black church? Can you come to a black church and come and drop this knowledge? Because you just, the passages came out in you. That is amazing. But I think, you know, either I was attracting certain people or that weren't able to hear it with the context. Again, most people don't want to hear I'm entering a relationship and you're not going to be my number one or two priority.

45:51But it's, again, building the context around it. make sure that you let you support me and going to the gym, doing therapy, doing things to support my growth. You support me in my mission. You, you push me to go do it. And I'm going to give you all of me. So we are in line to what we're doing. We immediately told our partners what we need. And then there, from there it starts to expand. I would tell you to stop prefacing with you might not like this, right? Because that you're, you're already setting them up for something that you're, you're unconsciously telling them. And it's like, Like they should like this and they should then learn from it.

46:26Oh, of course. That's why you're together. Right away. She goes, yes. She told me like, yes. Cause she goes, every person I've been with didn't have a purpose. Maybe they had some skill or something they were doing, but they didn't love it. Yeah. They weren't fully invested in their mission in life and they made her their purpose. This is what she told me. They were like, you're my purpose. She was like, no, I don't want that. Yeah. I want you to go do your thing and then we can do things together. Amen. And so, you know, she was on a healing journey, so she was more conscious in that way that she wasn't insecure if her partner was out in the world doing their thing.

47:03But I think having those conversations like we did early on, for me, has set me up for a lot more peace and harmony. Again, there's misunderstandings and we got to go through stuff all the time, but it's harmonious in those misunderstandings. I'm going to have to go reevaluate my list because I'm going to have to tell Carlos. my new number one Carlos is me I'm too co-defendant for that it's not happening it's not about like me I'm messing with you but no I joke because I actually think it's beautiful and I think it's something that should be taught more and I think I unconsciously know how to do that already but I think the language that you provide in that is what is why I just said amen more people need to hear that is because that is such a powerful thing to be able to admit to someone else that my health and who I am is a priority And I think it's beautiful because it just sets the tone.

47:54And you and I now are in a healthy relationship. You know, we're both praying that we continue to grow with this person, the people that we're with. But at least it's healthy where we're at because of the fact that we made the choice to be honest and direct about what our foundation is. Absolutely. And I just wish more people could do that. I didn't do it for, you know, my teens and 20s and early 30s. I didn't know how to do that because there was more of a chemical connection that was fun and exciting and interesting, but I didn't have the courage to have those conversations. I lacked the emotional flexibility, awareness, vulnerability to really dive in spiritually first.

48:41And that chemical bonding created a heightened emotional experience that was like, okay, let's just have more fun together. Let's just hang out. Let's do this adventure. Let's do this. As opposed to having those conversations. And one of the early exercises we did, the first day we met each other, I was actually like, listen, I'm on a healing journey and I'm going to continue on this journey for the rest of my life. And we made an agreement early on before we got committed that we would do therapy together in the start of the relationship. It doesn't mean we're going every week or something like that, but just having someone we can both go to and just talk about our value.

49:14It is the best. our vision from the beginning. And it has given us so much peace because we create agreements. There aren't expectations, it's agreements early on and creating alignment around agreements. Yes. And for me, that has given us just more, it gives me peace of mind, more energy in my life. So that's one of the things that I feel like a lot of people, if they started to do these exercises early on, it would save them pain later. I 100 ,000 % agree with you. We did another one where I said, let's do an exercise on values. I want you to have a notebook and me to have a notebook. I'm going to give you five minutes.

49:52I put some meditative music on. I said, I want you to write your values down. Don't show them to me. I let her do this. Then I did it for myself. And then we shared them together. Without me seeing them first and be like, let me write down her values. Yeah, yeah. And say, do we truly have alignment? It doesn't have to be a perfect match, but are we in alignment on our values? Yeah. Because if we're completely off, I mean, I might like you, we might have connection, but that might be a struggle in the future. Yeah. It doesn't mean we can't work, but it just may be, it's just information. How often do you, how quickly do you do the values?

50:27I did the values thing with Carlos. We did that in the first month. Yeah, same. We did it first month. Yeah. Yeah, it was powerful. Yeah. It was powerful. Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. Keep going. No, you're good. Yeah. The values exercise was a great one. And for me, you know, the foundation really starts with values, shared vision and shared lifestyle, you know, and if you can get, it doesn't have to be everything perfect and the same. She grew up in Mexico. I grew up in Ohio. You know, we, she grew up in a different religious background, but we have similar values. And I think that's what has allowed us to both feel peaceful at this season of life.

50:57You know, it's funny because we had that value conversation, like I said, within that first three weeks or whatever. And Carlos, though older, in his 30s, had not let his family into his life regarding his sexual orientation. And so none of his family members, except for one brother who was also identified as gay, knew that he had any boyfriends prior, never. They didn't know or they just didn't choose to see it? They didn't know because he had never talked to them. He never let them in. I don't use the term coming out. I think it's antiquated as I don't think that's actually the act. I think we should be inspiring people to understand that the act actually is letting people in.

51:35And I think when you change the line, not coming out, letting people in. Because when you come out to someone, you're giving them the power to accept or deny you versus when you're letting someone in, you're saying, this is my choice. I'm empowered to let you in or to tell you that you don't deserve to be in. You need to stay out. It's more of a protection. And also, I've never come out of anything. And I don't know where that closet is. I don't know where that closet is. You haven't been hiding in a closet. There's a closet. There better be a pot of gold in there for all the BS I've been through to pay me back.

52:04And I'm going to burn the closet down after. So I say letting in. But Carlos had never let anyone into his life. Not ever. And so when we did that values conversation, I said family is important to me. My family and I travel. We do every holiday. It is big. And I was like, it's also extremely important that your family's there. Because I'm not one of those individuals that like, I want my partner to be just absorbed into my family. I want to absorb into their family as well. And I said, is that a value that you have where family and family bonding and love is important? He said, it is. And I said, well, I'm not going to pressure you to let anyone in because that's not my journey.

52:47But we have to figure out how do those values aligned. and I fell in love with him because he literally went home, called me two days later and was like, I've thought about it, and I think it's time that I started making the steps to let my family in. And literally a week later told his mother, literally I'm the first, told his brother, I'm the first partner his family has ever met, and they are at my house, our house, every Christmas, Thanksgiving, everything, because it was a value conversation we had to have, and I wasn't afraid to have it. and he was mature enough to know that he had to do the work.

53:20So I'm with you on that value conversation. Yeah, that's interesting. Just a little personal story about my life. No, it's beautiful. It's interesting because I like this conversation around letting people in. And I think, you know, I can't understand your experience and what you've had to do to let people in with that conversation. But I think a lot of it ties to maybe a shame around society or where you might feel like you don't fit in or where maybe people might shame you or they might judge you for something that you've gone through or you're experiencing. And I lived with the shame for 25 years.

53:58I was sexually abused when I was a kid by a man that I didn't know. And for 25 years, no one knew because I wouldn't let them in. Again, I wasn't in some closet hiding, but I wouldn't let people in because I felt if people knew this about me, no one would love me. No one would accept me. I'd be kicked out of the family. My friends would laugh at me and make fun of me. You know, growing up as a straight white man in Ohio, um, if I, and I was very affectionate with my guy friends, like I'd put my arm around them. I wanted to hug people. When I met you, we hugged each other and I'm like, like, don't let go.

54:30Let's hold each other longer. But I would get made fun of for just putting my arm around a brother of mine. Right. Or I'd be called names or I'd be pushed or whatever it was. And so I was afraid if people knew this about me, no one would accept me or love me. And it got to the point where I started to open up about it. And also we live in a society where you express that all of a sudden, they start to label you as every bit of gay, whatever BS that comes with it. Exactly. And I remember as I started to explore opening up to my family about it when I was 30 years old, 10 years ago, I talked to a therapist friend of mine and I go, I'm really afraid to tell my family this because I don't know how they're going to react.

55:12Do you have any advice on what I can maybe do and approach? And she said, before you essentially let them in, set the context and ask them a question. And the question is, is there anything I could ever say or do that would make you not love me? And then see how they respond. If they give you some hesitation, maybe you don't share, you don't let them in. if you feel like they are willing to receive whatever you're about to share with them, then maybe you can open your heart and let them in. And that was a powerful exercise for me to do that with all my family members. And then eventually with my friends, which actually scarier with friends for me, like guy friends, are they really going to accept me?

55:54My family has to accept me, right? But are friends going to accept me, you know, in the business world, all these things.

56:01What's a great approach that you think people can use today, to let people in with whatever thing that might be they're afraid of? Whether it's a shame and insecurity, something about their identity that they're afraid that people won't accept them. What's something they could do to feel ready to let others in? I think first practicing that practicing, which is my key word, I should get it tattooed on me, practicing understanding that all parts of who you are are powerful. All parts of your story are not shameful. They're not ugly. They're beautiful. All parts of your story. And I've learned that through my life.

56:44Every part of my story, I love. I love every part of my story. The darkest parts, the lightest parts. And I think And practicing understanding that gives you sort of a power and an understanding to know that there's not a part of my story. When somebody 300 years from now opens your book and reads it, they're not going to be like, oh, I hate this part, like rip this page out. They're just going to read it and go to the next page because they know it's a story that's continuing. And that perspective has given me the power to know that there's no part of my story that's wrong or right. it's a journey and I'm on this journey and it's harder in the moment to think that because we never know what the next page is going to be.

57:27But then also trusting and discerning that I have enough power and understanding of who I am to know who's best for my life. And I used to tell myself consistently, like, if a stranger came to my front door, would I open it? If a family member that was shady came to my front door, would I open it? And, you know, they say always, your body is your temple. A temple has a door. Would I open it for this person? And understanding that I've already had discernment and clarity about who I'd let into my actual physical front door, that it gave me the same thing that I know who to let into my emotional and mental front door.

58:13Because everything that's inside this house, It might some things might be a little screwy, a little loose and something might be beautiful. But I love everything in here because I'm living here again, going back to the initial piece and then understanding that. And I think I say that because it's empowering and it takes it. I think what your therapist said is great. That would be my third step, you know, of like focusing and practicing, understanding who's good for your life. But I think the first step is empowering yourself to believe that you have the discernment and understanding of what's best for you.

58:45And I think that's why, and I'll particularly just speak to people who are in the LGBTQIA community or on their journey in that area, whether it's their gender expression or their sexual orientation, is you have to empower yourself first and you have to feel empowered before you start to let people in and understanding that you already are empowered. because I think we spend a lot of time waiting for other people outside of us to empower us. And that's why this whole coming out idea was something that was like, that spread like wildfire because it was easier for people to say, let me come out to you.

59:19And if you accept me, great. Now I feel empowered because my mom loves me. Let me be empowered because my aunt said she wants to go to pride with me. And it's like, nah, that's a great addition, but you've got to be empowered by your own story first. And you have to be empowered by your own journey. And if you have to, you have to remember, there is no part of your story that is wrong. There is no part of what has happened to you, happened for you or happened with you that is wrong. And once you start to learn that and you start to empower yourself, it makes it easier to then look to that people of your own mental health and say, hmm, I don't think I want to let you in.

59:56And there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with the fact that I don't want to let you in because that says more about the person you don't want to let in versus me. And so even with you on your journey of expressing and letting people into that, the fact that you are sexually abused, some people don't have the maturity. Some people don't have the language to understand that. And I didn't hear shame when you told me your story. I didn't hear shame at all. I heard someone who was figuring out, who can I let in? Right, right. And I think when you reframe language to understand that, it helps us to feel more empowered about making decisions for our own life.

1:00:31You made a decision when you were ready and you didn't need to make it a day before and the reason we know you didn't need to make a day before because you made it when you made it And you're gonna let somebody into your life regarding your sexual orientation your gender identity when you're ready And the day you do it is because that was a day was supposed to happen You didn't it wasn't supposed to happen 10 years before one has full to 15 years before it happened The day it needs to happen because you started to trust yourself and you started to feel empowered by yourself And I think that's for me what I want to encourage people to do.

1:01:00Those are the steps I want to take. The third step, again, I agree with that therapist. Look at those people. If you are scared about the discernment of what you can trust in other people, look at them, ask that question. That's a great question. But first, take some time and feel empowered by yourself. I love that. And I'm curious, for people that have been in relationships with friends, family members, peers for a long time, And then they, but they haven't let them in on whatever. Yet they start to feel that empowerment themselves and they start to share with others and let them in. What if someone close to them for a long time is just ignorant, uneducated, afraid, confused about your empowerment of yourself now after 10, 20, 30 years of knowing this person.

1:01:52And all of a sudden now I'm empowering myself to be fully authentic and share this with you into me. How do people navigate when someone is ignorant, confused, shocked, embarrassed for the person that they've loved for a long time and disempowers them in that process? well understand no one has the power to disempower you no one has that power you you're actually making that choice so again it goes through that journey we talked about earlier about people's words and how they affected me early on i realized you don't have the power to take away my happiness or to give me the happiness and make me feel strong and i think again not to reiterate it but that's why i think that this term coming out is antiquated because again it just says to people this person has the power to cheer you on or not.

1:02:40To accept you or deny you. And it's not about them. It has nothing to do with them. It's all a self-choice and self-journey. And so if someone that you've been friends with or family members 10 years, 20 years, two years, two days, and you feel like, I want this person to get it, I want this person to understand. If they don't, it has nothing to do with you and it says nothing about you. It says everything about them. And so I remind myself in my own life when people, I let people into parts of who I am and they have a negative reaction. I always stop and I'll say it now because I'm empowered.

1:03:14I'll say, so that has nothing to do with me. That's all you. And you should see the shock people on their face where they're like, what? And I'm like, well, your reaction has nothing to do with me because I'm over here loving myself and in my space and empowering myself. The fact that you have a negative reaction shows your own personal growth. It shows where you need to be in life. and I think the more people remind themselves of that can say that out loud and to go back to that home metaphor if someone knocked on your door and you said please come in I have some great music I have TV on I got some food on the stove and they said no I don't want to come in there you're going to go inside you're going to turn your TV on you're going to watch your TV you're going to eat your food and I think it's the same thing for when you're letting people in like you would then close the door and say well they didn't want to come in you're going to pick up your phone and say well who can I call who does want to come in who I love and trust and who wants to enjoy the beauty of the home that is me.

1:04:08And that's how I react. And I think more people need to practice reacting that way because we don't practice our reactions enough. Everything in life is practice. It's practice, practicing your self-esteem, practicing your reactions, practicing your communication. So when I let people in and they don't want to come in, I shut the door and I don't lock it because, again, I'm a forgiving person. And so if one day you do the work to do the journey, the door is unlocked. I'm going to open it back up for you. Some people do get locked. But, you know, for the most part, you know. But I go find people who do want to come in.

1:04:42And if in that moment I need to go into my house, I'm going to find the things that come from me. And I'm going to cry. And I'm going to grieve that journey that they're on. Again, I'm grieving the journey they're on. I'm not grieving me not having them. I'm grieving the journey that they have to be on. Right. Because I'm sad for them. Should we want everyone to accept who we are authentically? To like, this is my expression of myself. This is what I'm about. This is my identity. Should we want the world to accept us? I think acceptance is a word that gets thrown around too easily. I do believe we should have everyone should respect us.

1:05:16And I believe that is just the core thing. And I think when it comes to respect, that means respect means you're not doing something because of your power to harm or hurt me. And I think that's the key thing there. I'll give you a prime example in my own personal life. My son is an atheist and I'm someone who goes on Instagram and praise. So, OK, so we have very different views. Do I accept my son as an atheist is a tricky thing to say. I damn sure respect him as an atheist and I respect his choice to make decisions for his life. and I respect him enough not to force him into situations where he has to feel like he has to conform or not be his authentic self.

1:06:02And so when we're at family gatherings and my son was here right now, he'll tell you, people will be like, we're gonna pray. And they'll be like, Jason, you're in your aunt's house now. You have to pray. And I said, no, no, no, no. You have to respect him. And if he wants to join us, then that is his choice, but you will respect him because he's not doing anything to vocalize negativity against your choice because he's respecting your choice. He's not making you wrong. He's not making you wrong, so don't make him wrong. Right. How do you navigate that when you have such a strong belief in something, whether it's religion or whatever, you have a strong belief and someone close to you has a completely opposite belief.

1:06:40How do you navigate respecting, loving unconditionally another human being, whether it's your son or anyone, how do we navigate that when someone we care about has a completely different belief around something? Well, go inward and ask yourself, was there a time you remember that people didn't love you and respect you? Was there a time that you felt alone, that you felt like you just wanted someone to just respect who you are? And every human being, whether you are a white man, white woman, black man, black woman, whatever race, whatever gender identity, we all remember a time that we needed someone just to respect us.

1:07:22And for me, that's how I reconcile my respect for others. Because I say to myself, it's different, but I remember being there. And I remember going to my family and expressing a part of who I am and wanting them just to respect me because I'm a human being. And so when my son says anything to me, I go back to that place in myself and say, well, you know what? It doesn't mean I'm not going to have conversations. It doesn't mean that I'm not going to research and I'm not going to be curious about this part of who you are, but I'm damn sure going to make sure that you feel respected because I know what it felt like to not be respected.

1:08:02And I think if more people brought things back to themselves and remembered how they felt, they wouldn't want to put that on other people and I think that's just what it is to be a human being we heard that from early on do on to others as you want done on to you and I think and you know because this is such a time in our in our history where we see the anti-lgbtqi legislation we see rampant hate we see what people are doing I just wonder if that was your own child or if That was you. Would you want that? Would you want people to do that to you? Would you just want that? And I think if people just remembered that feeling, maybe they would start to just show respect as they're on a journey to understand their fellow human beings.

1:08:52Wow, that's beautiful, man. I want to talk to you for hours, but I want to... I'm inviting you over to dinner. You and your girl coming over. You're salsa dancing. We're having dinner. We're doing it. Making some tacos. We're doing it. I got a final few questions for you. But before I ask them, how can we be of service to you today? For everyone listening and watching today, but also this will be on for many years to come. How can we serve you immediately and in the future with what's on your heart and in your life right now? It's a very happy thing for me to say that I actually don't need anything right now.

1:09:29I mean, there's this career thing that we all like. watch my show support it you know what i mean what tune into karamo weekdays and check your listings and you know tune in to queer eye you know there's all that stuff obviously that you know but in my own personal life i i have i have tools you're one of my tools i'm so blessed to be here with one of my tools you know i have my community that is loving me louder i um I know how to navigate and trust myself. And so I'm, I don't, I don't need anything right now. And I wish I had something that I could be like, Hey, I need people to do this for me right now, but I don't, I don't.

1:10:09I just, you know, I don't. Yeah. Feels nice to say that's good. You got great content though. I want people to follow you on. Oh yeah. You can go to follow me on social media, you know, go to at Karamo, you know, I'm the worst at social media. I need to ask you who does yours because like, I have all these great ideas of how I want to inspire people on social media. And then I pick up my phone and then the phone will ring and I'll be like, I forget all about it. Or you know what I mean? Or I'm at dinner and I have these beautiful plates in front of me. It's just generational because I didn't grow up with social media.

1:10:40And so the phone is usually the last thing I think of picking up in a moment when I'm happy. Or when I'm excited. Or when I have a thought. It's weird. And so, yeah, follow me on social media. You know, at Karamo everywhere. having a unique name, it's easy. K-A-R-A-M-O. You can watch my show. It's called Karamo. You can read my book. It's called Karamo. I mean, it's pretty simple to figure out who I am and where I'm at. Please support that. But other than that, if someone feels gracious enough to do that, I'm so thankful. But I don't need it. I mean, I need it, but I don't need it. I think the thing that will service me is just challenging yourself to be better, practicing your own happiness.

1:11:22that's what I need because I'm tired of walking around and seeing people that are sad because it hurts it makes me sad and I'm a super empathetic person I like people keep calling me an empath and I don't really know what that means um I haven't done the research enough to know what that means to accept that as a title for myself but I just feel people and so like if someone wants to do something for me outside of following me go find your tools go find your community start to believe in yourself do those things for me that could help me out because you do that you're going to start making better choices for yourself it's going to start affecting your community and then it's going to start affecting my life because like the more you do stuff that is better for and healthier and more full of love then it starts to affect the way we vote and the way we treat each other in traffic and the way we walk past each other and say hi it starts to change everything so that's what i need i love this man uh make sure you guys follow karamo everyone and all your shows, content, it's all at Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, everywhere.

1:12:25We'll have it all linked up as well. And if you're enjoying this, share your biggest takeaway on the YouTube as well in the comments below. I'd love to hear your biggest takeaway from Karamo. This is for real because I used to be giving comments on yours. You have no idea. This is kind of cool for me because I'm usually giving comments. I'm like, oh my gosh, I took this away from this. This was great. This is going, oh my God, I'm doing this on the next season. I do that already. That's awesome. Y 'all didn't do that with me now. Look at this. I'm having a moment. I'm sorry. I love it, man. I want to acknowledge you, Karamo.

1:12:54I've got two final questions for you. Before I ask them, I want to acknowledge you for your authenticity. Thanks. For showing up true to yourself, for being on the healing journey as it's a constant journey. It's not like you finished today, but it's an ongoing journey. And for accepting who you are and being empowered in yourself and allowing people to see you. And hopefully they respect you. Not everyone may accept you, but hopefully people respect you. Thank you. So I acknowledge you for showing up and being in service the way you do with your show, with Clear Eye, the way you show up and serve people.

1:13:26I know you're a leader. You're a coach. You're a guide. You're a mentor. So I acknowledge you for all those things, my friend. Thank you. And this is a question I ask everyone towards the end. It's called the three truths. So imagine a hypothetical scenario. you get to live as long as you want to live on this earth, but then it's finally your last day. And you've accomplished everything you want to accomplish in your career and you have a happy, beautiful life and you have the family, you have the things you want. But for whatever reason, it's your last day. And everything you've created has to go with you.

1:14:01So no one has access to the book and the content and the shows and all the videos. And this conversation is gone. Hypothetical. Yeah. But you get to leave behind three things you know to be true from your entire life, three lessons that you would leave behind. Yeah. And that's all we have to remember you by. What would be those three truths for you? You're more powerful than you think. You have the power to change your life. And there's a lot of power in connection. Mm-hmm. I think that's going to be it. I would just tell people those things. I would also tell them that you can, you know, scratch off one of those.

1:14:42I actually thought about it now. Go for it. I'd also tell somebody like general orational trauma actually has to start and break with somebody and you can actually be the one that breaks it. You really can be. I see that now all the time. Like you can break it. You can be the one to break it because I broke it in my family. Me too. Yeah. You know, it's beautiful. Right. So I gave you four. No, it's great. It's all good. Final question. What is your definition of greatness? Yeah, I think greatness for me is just a lot of like, it's just never stop practicing and never stop, never stop practicing.

1:15:15I practice, maybe it's the student in me or the athlete in me. I just practice, practice, practice. I'm keen on understanding where my life is and what I need to practice to be better. And I'm not afraid to tell people that I'm in a mode of practicing, that I'm not ready for that game. I'm not ready for this piece of whatever life is giving. I'm not ready because I still need some practice. I'm not ashamed by that. And I try to teach my sons to practice. You know what? I guess, I guess practice your greatness every single day. Don't, don't be afraid to practice your greatness. I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness.

1:15:53Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me, as well as ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast. If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcast and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels at Lewis Howes. I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better. And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

1:16:37And if no one has told you today, I wanna remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.