Martha Higareda Howes: Opening Up About Our Journey To Marriage (Our Step-By-Step Process + A Huge SURPRISE!)

34:03And the second part was the sacrament of matrimony. I don't even remember this part, but do you remember what this is? It's just basically they explain to us what it really is. That it is. What marriage is. Marriage is. And what is it? What do they explain? Sacrament. What does that mean? It means like what we were just talking about. That it's a beautiful gift that God is giving you. And you are choosing to have. Right. It's not just like, oh, you are choosing to go into this journey together in which you know there's going to be ups and downs. There's going to be situations. There's going to be paths in which maybe you're going to exercise forgiveness.

34:42Maybe, you know, God forbid, but like something happens to one of your children. There's so many things that are going to come. And you just got to remember you're coming together at this. You're not alone in this. Yes. Have your wife. You're not alone in this. You have your husband. And you both have God. So that was that one. The next thing we did, which I think is probably something a lot of people struggle with because they don't have these conversations, is your family of origin. And here's an example. When people get married, well, this is an example, I guess, for both of us. This happened for both of us.

35:17When people get married, your parent-in-law or sibling-in-law on both sides will say, welcome to the family. Yes. Because I've been to the both of us. Welcome to the family. And it's all good intentions, right? It doesn't mean a bad thing. No. But essentially, I didn't join your family. You didn't join my family. We created a new family, and we both have extended family. Yes. And most people don't think that way. And again, it's not a bad way to think about it because I think it's, oh, we're all one big happy family. But then things get really messy at different times because you have certain traditions from your origin of family.

35:56I have different traditions or lack of traditions, whatever it might be. And parent-in-laws and different extended family want you to come at certain times. And it's like, well, this is what I've always done. We always did this tradition or my parents always did this. So we have to go here. We have to do this. but when we create a new marriage, you create a new family and we are no longer in our other family. It doesn't mean they aren't our extended family and we didn't grow up in that family, but we have created a new family. And therefore we had to, it was really cool because you, we had a, like a graph that we put ourselves like individually, our parents, how many siblings they had how many like cousins and aunts and uncles they had and how many siblings we have right it was like what is your origin family and draw it out with like little stick figures and heads and the couple that that was doing the workshop with us the husband he had like a very small family and or he had he had a massive family he filled out his entire page kind of like me so all His parents.

37:05He said, blah, blah, blah. And the woman was just like four people. It was like, oh, and then these people died, and it was just us and my sister, and that was it. So then she explained to us that she struggled for a chunk of the relationship at the beginning. Because she wanted more privacy, and she wanted like... And he wanted to ask the opinion of every single one of the members of his family before they can make a decision. Exactly. Because this also happens frequently, and I want to say, I'm going to speak as a Latina, because this is what I know of, but I assume it also happens in other different cultures.

37:34But when you are so close to your family of origin, you are like glue. You do everything together. Every family vacation, every Christmas. Every birthday party. And you are used to being the daughter or the son. So what happens is this. There comes the next family vacation and usually the parents decide, where are we going to go? We're going to go here. And then you go, you follow. At least if you were raised the way I was raised, you follow whatever the parents. Follow your parents. Yes, exactly. Exactly. So then when you enter a committed relationship, it happens more frequently than not that the person who's used to having that type of glue with the family makes a plan with their partner.

38:16But then the family comes in and says, no, wait a second. We bought tickets. We're coming to visit you. And you've, you know, this happened to me. I told you about it. And you're like, how do I tell my mom or my dad they can't come visit me because I made these plans already with my partner. It didn't happen. It doesn't happen with me. With you, no. In the past. It's something I learned. And if you continue to think that your family of origin is your family, then who's your husband? Right. Then who's your wife? Is he just a roommate? Like a partner? Like what is that person? So it's like shifting literally all of that and saying, no, you are my family from now on.

39:02Like we are making our decisions together as a family. And we don't have to ask and consult the other extended family for these decisions. Yeah. Like why? For what they want to do. And then the step of setting boundaries with the extended family. How hard is that? Or how hard was that for you to create boundaries? or is that for like Latin culture or Latin communities to create boundaries with parents or extended family when they get married? It could be hard because, I mean, it wasn't for me because you know my family and I did that work before I met you. But it can be hard because you don't want to offend your mom.

39:42You don't want to offend your dad. And then boy, if they're Latinos, they do get offended, you know, like, oh, I can't believe you have to ask your fiance. say if you can come to the trip because you guys had other plans what do you mean so it's like this thing it doesn't come from a bad place I want to say who is the guy online that we like watching his content is a mark driscoll oh he speaks a lot where he says listen you know and he's like a father and he's got kids and then he's got grandkids or whatever and so his kids have their own family and he's like I understand this as a father it's hard to yeah you know once your daughter, your son goes and creates their own family, you're no longer in their family.

40:24Obviously, it's your child, it's your daughter, it's your son, and you're going to treat them like that. But you also have to respect that they are now in a new family. They have a husband or a wife and they're creating their kids and they're creating their routines and their rituals. He said something like, listen, you're going to make your own Christmas and Thanksgiving and holiday plans. We're going to try to entice you and say, we're going to have a lot of cool gifts and free food and we're going to offer you things to come to our home as well if you want to. But if you want to be your own thing, we have to respect that as the parents.

40:58And that's just the natural progression of life and seasons of life. And then when your kids go off and get married, they're no longer your family. They're your extended family, which is the weirdest thing to think of. It's not something I thought of before this process. Yes. You know, I think it'd be worth to bring up the... Do you want to bring the church wedding? What happened? Because I think for me, that was a really big test. Oh, man. Yeah, this is intense. But I think it's a beautiful test of this conversation that we're having. Yeah. I mean, it's a good example. But we don't... I mean, I might look like a jerk, but I'll share it anyways.

41:34No, no, I don't think so. Well, I'll share it. It's okay. It don't matter. Well... So what happened is Martha and I were planning... I mean, it was a whole process of like figuring out where we're going to get married, the planning process. Like all that was a thing in itself, planning a wedding. But Martha really wanted to get married in the church first. And I was like, cool, happy to do it. And then we were going to get married like a week or two later. But we never figured out the date when we were going to get married. And I want to interject for a second. You were so amazing when we talked to the priest about this because you know how important it is for us also.

42:15And for me, we have this relationship also with God, right? So it was really important. The priest did not have any availability or dates to do a formal wedding the way the church does it. Before our, we had a wedding date in Mexico. Yeah. But you wanted to get married beforehand. And he was like, I don't know how many open dates. And Luis helped me and he went, if we don't get married like this, she won't feel like we're getting married. It will feel for her like we're like. We're not married still. We're not married still. If we're just married in Mexico, that's not by the church, but just a ceremony with friends and family.

42:48I was telling the priest, I was like, she's not going to feel married. Isn't that right? And you were like, yes. You were like tearing up. And I go, what's the chance we can make this happen any other time before we leave? So he said, you know, okay, we can make it happen, but it's going to be very little people because otherwise then it's an actual event. So we're going to do it. And then he threw a date like a week. It was today, three months ago. Yeah, exactly. February 1st. Oh, interesting. February 1st, yeah, three months ago. So I want to preface this by saying that. Well, originally it was the second and then he moved to the first.

43:23Yeah, that's true. I want to preface this by saying that in my previous relationship I had before, this thing of leaving your family of origin behind and making the other person your family was a big lesson for me. Because you didn't do it. I didn't do this. I just didn't. You wanted to please your parents. I wasn't adult enough, that is the truth, to know, you know what, you are my family now. I didn't do this. So I think for me, you know, God is so beautiful in the way he teaches you the lessons and he puts you little tests to see if you learned the lesson. Yeah. So. I mean, this is a big test.

44:04It was a big test. Yeah. So we had agreed. This is the whole thing. We had agreed. Okay. I'm happy to do the church wedding. It's fine. And then we'll do another one later or whatever you want to do. I was like, whatever you want makes you happy. Let's do it. And then I said, okay. but my family is not coming out here for this church wedding because they're all over the other one immediately we had the other one a week later and like we already have flights trips planned for them they're not gonna fly for this and then fly for that they got lives and kids and it's like they're not here in LA and we needed witnesses for the church wedding and I said okay we each need two right so we can have your parents and then we can have Matt and Kendra your best friend yes and that was the agreement that was the agreement it was like months before now fast forward to it's all like were you okay with us doing a church wedding where we just have a simple ceremony two and two and we do it here it was amazing you were like yes and the priest said yes we know it's little people otherwise it's going to be an event it was great take us 30 minutes but latino family and latino behavior show up they show up with the best intentions in world as a surprise so you're the day before our wedding yeah your family flies and mommy's like surprise and there was like yeah flowers and cakes and presents by the way it was so beautiful the way the way they they set up our house with all these different things that we just it's amazing but it was like it was like at five o 'clock at night i come back and i see like your whole family in our house like taking over and i'm like i'm like are they coming to the wedding tomorrow like So then Lewis and I had a conversation.

45:43So I was just more like, the stress was more of like, I'm glad they're here, but no one from my family is here. Exactly. And so I was feeling like, oh, shoot, I feel really bad that your whole family is here to witness this. And no one from my family is going to be here. Nobody from my family. And so I literally texted my mom and called her. I said, Mom, any chance you want to come tomorrow? I'll fly you out here in the morning. It was my first thought. It was like midnight. She was like, I'm exhausted. Like, thank you for inviting me. But no. And it was never our intention to invite our families because we invited them for the main kind of big ceremony.

46:16So I was like grappling with this all night. And then the wedding, the church was, the wedding was like noon, right? It was like noon the next day or one or something. 3 p.m. 3 p.m. I get up. I like try to go to the gym and try to get like clear my mind. And I'm also thinking, oh, I'm actually getting married today. I'm like, oh, this is like happening. I'm like, this is real. You know, we've been preparing and I'm ready for this, but I'm like, oh my gosh, it's like my whole life. Because this is what I've, you know, discussed with girlfriends who've also gotten married. For us women, it's like the preparation to get married.

46:52We cannot know, yeah, this is coming, this is happening. What I've heard is for you guys, you don't get the reality check that you're getting married happens on the day you're getting married. You're like, oh, this is the day. Yeah. Boom, like that. And I was, I was, it was like a lot of emotions happening. You know, it's like, okay, my, my family's not here. Hers is here. I was like my, all these things. I was like, my dad's not here anymore. He's not gonna be able to witness this. All these things. I was like, oh man, what do I do? And I was like, ah, the bigger version of me should just be like, ah, just let it be.

47:23And just like, let their whole family come and I'll be okay. I was like, I know I'll be okay, but it's something was inside of me. I was like, gosh, something just feels off for me. And I feel, it's more like I felt sad. I thought sad. You were sad. I love your family and I wanted them to be there. Yes, I know. But I was also just so torn that I was like, I should have invited my family then. Yes. You were sad. You were in your heart. This is the way to be. You were so sad because you literally communicated to me, you know, I feel, and I was feeling so sad. Like it was, we had such a beautiful conversation because you said, listen, how would it feel for you, which you didn't need to tell me because I was in your shoes already, but it's But if everybody from my family is here, and I just mean the nuclear family.

48:07It's not like 20 people flew in. Still the main family. But everybody of my family is here. And you had no one. And you had no one. And I already knew you were struggling with what happened. Because I was like, when they showed up, I was like, this is great now. Yeah, yeah. Oh. So it was, I think it was beautiful the way we talked about it. Because I, for me, and, you know, correct me if I'm wrong, but like you express yourself with your emotions. I was there present with you. And I said to you, you are my family. This is literally you are my family. The sacrament of matrimony only needs three people.

48:51You, me, obviously God, represented by the priest. Yeah. That's it. Like we don't, we don't need the, like we don't need, like there's no, it's the opposite. Yeah. It's us creating this covenant, this agreement, this is what we want in our life. So we will do whatever makes your heart feel happy. But because you're such a generous man. I was like, I want your family to be there. Exactly. So you were conflicted. So, so I thought, how do I help us?

49:23we got married at 3 p.m yeah this is this is 2 p.m yeah that i'm literally i come back from a hike i'm trying to like but i saw you i saw your eyes and i came into the room i'm like sweaty like short t-shirt i'm laying on the bed up at 2 p.m i'm like what do we do yeah and and you were literally like we don't have to get married today we can just do it next week so chill in that i I was like the crazy bride. You were like, whatever you want, whatever you need. I was like, I don't know what to do. I know, I know. It was crazy. But that's because you care so much. I was like, yeah, I was a wreck emotionally inside.

50:00Because I was like, if I say no to your family, I'm a jerk for the rest of my life. No, and you are not. But then I'm going to feel sad that my family is not here to witness this as well. And for me, it was, and this is part of this, the preparation that we did also, but it's also part of my heart. If you are suffering or struggling with something, I am suffering and struggling with that something. It's not a you problem versus, you know, whatever, suck it up. My family's here. No. It's our situation to resolve together. So then I was like, I understand what's happening for him. I understand how he feels.

50:33I feel that way. I know he doesn't want to feel like he's being, you know, that word you said with the family. I don't know, that you're being mean to them. Exactly. And at the same time, all the conflictive emotions. So I said, love, you know, we have several options. We can get married in Mexico the same way. And you're like, I don't know that priest. That's not the priest that prepared us. I was like, that's true. It was like a different priest we can find. And I was like, okay, listen, I think the best option is this. You and I had an agreement together. Yeah. But you let me know how this sounds for you, I said.

51:09We had an agreement that we made together. we stick to the agreement my family is very cool meaning the extended family i know for a fact that they're going to be happy if they just wait at home to celebrate because the marriage is not happening between my family you and me and your family the marriage is happening between the two of us who are creating a family right now so i am your wife although i haven't signed the thing i'm your wife right so i got your back yeah don't worry about it take a shower i'll talk to my family yeah it's all gonna be okay yeah this was 2 p.m and we were getting married at 3 yeah and i was like are you sure you're like yes and you're like are you sure they're not gonna be offended because that was this thing inside of your heart i just felt like you know they flew in for this it was a whole thing and they were like surprising us and i was like it's so nice of them to do this but we had talked for months that like we're just keeping at this otherwise i would have told my parents and my mom and my family to fly in as well and try to figure out something.

52:10Yeah, absolutely. So it just was trying to make it like work for both of us. And this was a great moment where you stepped up and said, I'm going to take care of my family and communicate to them. We're going to do it how we originally did it. They came at the very end. So they were able to come take photos with us at the church. We still celebrated with them. Yeah, we celebrated. They were outside. Mom and Dad were there, which was the original remnant. And this was probably the most sacred moment of my life because there was no one in the church. I know. Except for the priest, your parents, Matt and Kendra, and their two innocent kids on the altar with the priest just having this intimate conversation.

52:47If we have photos, we'll put them up on the video to show some of these. And it was like you could hear God. It was so quiet. We felt that, right? You could hear and feel this presence that was so raw and vulnerable and powerful. and it's just like wow and if there were the priest said in what 30 years of doing the of weddings thousands of weddings he's like i've never experienced a wedding like this and so he invited the four people that we had to come up and be all together in a circle and just it was like this it was just like a little yeah spiritual hug circle i don't know It was crazy. And it was so powerful.

53:31And I was like, gosh, this is exactly the way it needed to be. If there was more people, it would have been more like performative. It would have been like, okay, we'll look back at our family and friends. It would have been more of like a performance. It's not bad. It's just this was like the center of what was happening. It was building a foundation of us. And then a week later, we did the whole celebration with friends and family. and it was like mariachi and bands and freaking donkeys and it was like the whole thing in Mexico which was like the monkey that it was incredible dancers it was like the food it was like a Mexican fiesta it was incredible but I think it wouldn't have been as fun had we not done the church wedding a week before yeah because I felt relaxed you know during during the celebration with friends and family I was like we're having fun maybe it's a little bit of like right before getting married was like a little nerves but it was like I was playing pickleball in the morning you were I was like yeah we're having fun so you stayed in the suite as I was getting ready I was in the pool I know the team were like is he ever gonna lose because we can't pull out the dress and other things it's so funny but it was very it was like a celebration it was fun it didn't feel stressful at all no and and I think in a way it was so beautiful that that happened yeah Because, again, I feel like it was both a gift and a test wrapped together.

54:56It was like a test for both of us. For both of us. Because I like to, I want to please people. I want people to feel good. It's like I don't want people to be angry at me. And especially on our wedding day, it's like if they flew in for this and I'm the jerk, it says, no, you can't come. I didn't want that. But you were like, you know what? You're right. We should make this about us. and stick to our agreements and i was like well i need to be more flexible and it's not really that big a deal but if we don't speak up and use our voice when we've created agreements in a relationship then we're going to have little resentments you know that carry with us for a long time and so many so many couples whether they're married or not yet but like so many couples struggle with that part of like in what moment I set a loving boundary with my family to say, listen, this is the person I'm choosing as right now becoming my family.

55:58So many wedding stories that people can tell us in the comments, you know, like, oh, in this, you know, I experienced this happen in the wedding. Oh yeah. A lot of drama. It's a drama in the wedding. It's like, wait, you are creating a family together yes you know yeah and so literally add to i remember i looked at my watch at 2 30 i got in the shower and we got married at three isn't that crazy and i was like i didn't know i was gonna wear i was like you were kind of already like your hair was already done your makeup was already done like i think you just had to put a dress on and also we left together you saw me in the dress we did everything different by the way since the beginning of dating we've done everything it was it was kind of like i don't know how i got ready this fast i showered in five minutes i was like do i even have a suit do i have to iron it i was like i just put on a suit and a tie and then i was like frantically like we gotta go running to the the the church and then we pull up like five minutes i don't know how we got there on time and we pull up and even then you said could you text your family and tell them to come i said tell them to come and like be outside or come here i said come towards the end right before towards the end i said like come to the end so they can see us walking out because i was like i just haven't come you know just haven't come like let's make it a win-win and they ended up coming they ended up coming in like we got to do photos afterwards together and celebrate we were dancing in the yeah it was great but it was like i was stressed right before we like walked down the aisle together and we walked down the we walked down the aisle together together to the thing and again there was no one in there there's no one it was just like which also in a way although it was not traditional it was meaningful because it also happened so quickly we hadn't even thought about how we're gonna walk so we walked hand in hand together as two adults yes towards like in the aisle your parents were there and matt and kendra there and the priest in the middle the priest and the cross in the middle and we were walking on our own choice together making this beautiful decision.

58:01It was beautiful. Yeah. That was a beautiful thing that we did that. The whole family of origin part, if we hadn't have gone through that, whatever, six months before or whatever it was and talked about these things, maybe we wouldn't have been able to come together in that moment. Then you know what happens later? You were centered for life. For life, you hold onto stuff. For life. Or you hold onto it until you forgive it, but then you're like, I wish I would have stood up for what i wanted to do or i wish they didn't do this or i wish my parents didn't come whatever it is you it just gets messy and i think because we have this foundation of understanding our origin story and how we want to create our family i'm like have your family come over every day i'm like you know have them come every weekend have them stay the night like i love being around them yes it's not like i'm like get away from me they love you very much i'm like this is awesome you Obviously, we have boundaries, but it's like, because I know you've got our back in the relationship, I'm like, yeah, come over as much as you want because I don't feel like they're intruding in our marriage.

59:05They're adding, they're enriching our marriage, they're supportive, they're having fun with us, we're having experiences. But it's like, if they go on a trip, we don't have to go with them every time. It's like, we choose what we want to do and vice versa. So if my family is like inviting to something, you don't have to do something because whatever. So this whole family of origin thing was powerful. And it almost makes me want to be around your family more. But also know like, oh, if I'm somewhere, like we can leave at some time with your family. And it's like, I don't feel bad. Also because, you know, my family of origin is very accepting with you too.

59:39Like I remember the first few times you were hanging out with them. You were like in the middle of everything because we talk forever as Latinos. You were like, I'm getting sleepy. You can go take a nap. It was late. It was like we were there all day for something. And I was like, I was exhausted. Yeah. I go, I don't know if I'm like had two cups of coffee. I was like, I think I need to like go in the car. And I said, yeah, go ahead. No, I said, no, go upstairs to the room and take a nap. I was like, sure. You sure? Your parents are not going to be offended that I'm leaving to take a nap in the middle.

1:00:06I was like, why? Just be. Well, because in previous relationships, it was like, unless you're present for the whole weekend activities, it's like you're a bad partner. But this is when you introduce the must thing in the relationship. You must do this thing. You should do these things. Like the rules in a relationship constrict the relationship. You know, literally. And so, you and I have - Yeah, rules. We don't have rules. We have agreements. Agreements. And these agreements create freedom because it allows us to essentially say, this is what we have agreed on. So if I'm not doing something we agreed on, or you're not doing something for whatever reason, remember our agreements.

1:00:45And is there a reason why you don't want, are we creating a new agreement now because you don't want to do that anymore? If so, we both have to agree. It can't just be, this is the way it needs to be and you have to accept it. It needs to be, we both need to agree. Otherwise, why are we in a relationship if we can't agree on things? Or if we can't agree to be okay with how we do things differently? It's like, I don't know. Maybe you don't like something I do, but you're like, okay, I'm okay that you're going to do that. I don't like it, but I'm agreeing that that's who you are. I don't know. I don't even know what I'm thinking about.

1:01:16I don't know. I was thinking what? I was thinking. But it's just making sure that we're in alignment with agreements. And the next thing is couple communication. Yes. That's a big one. Which I can't remember everything they talked about with this, but I think a lot of it was around like creating agreements and making sure when there's a disagreement. Especially that part, when there's a disagreement. And when there's a disagreement, it means we haven't agreed on something yet. There shouldn't be disagreements. Like we don't really disagree unless it's a new thing we haven't talked about. Right.

1:01:46That I'm like, hmm, I don't see it that way. And you're like, well, I actually see it this way. Then we have a disagreement, right? We aren't in agreement yet. Yeah. And this whole couple communication thing is you talk about this a lot. It's having curiosity. It's like, let me speak with curiosity and say, huh, why do you think this way? Why do you think this? Rather than thinking like a victim or that your partner is doing something malevolous behind your back or in front of you. Or just that they have a belief that's wrong or bad or something. Exactly. It's like, it's always try your best to give your partner the benefit of the doubt.

1:02:24I was talking to a girlfriend about this recently, and I was saying, haven't you noticed that when you have a best friend, a best guy friend, or a best girlfriend, if they do something, you usually don't think badly. You think, oh, he was tired. Oh, he forgot to call me. Oh, she, whatever. All these things. why is it that we don't do the exact same thing for our partners? That's true. Think about it. Like, I'm sure, you know, I don't know, like our friends can do things. And, well, for us, you know, because we've set our foundation differently. But it usually happens that way. Did you get offended because this person did this thing?

1:03:03Because the person you're dating, whereas you would never get offended if it was your best friend doing it. Yeah, that's true. Why do you think that is? I don't know. Matt always says this to me. He's like, I don't know why I just never get upset when you do certain things, but other people would make me upset or something. You know, it's like if they did certain things. Do you know what I think it is? Tell me. I think because the stakes are higher. With love. With love. With intimacy. And the relationship you have about yourself that is projected on the other person. So meaning your best friend can forget it was your birthday that morning, right?

1:03:39And tell you later, dude, I forgot. Yeah. Happy birthday, Baba. And you're gonna be totally cool. Ah, no problem, whatever. But if your partner forgets that it was your birthday or anniversary that morning. See, you didn't remind me it was our three-month anniversary. I'm the one I told you. No, I'm just kidding. What does that say about me and about how much this person actually loves me? Right. And it makes you doubt about your worth, your worth, literally your worth. so then it makes you realize wait the stakes are higher because i am putting my self-worth in the hands of my partner you don't do that with your best friends or friends you don't put your self-worth in those unless you know whatever i don't know really codependent friendship relationships but you really don't so i think i think that's one of the reasons so we can bring a little bit of that mindset of a friendship into the relationship and say, in that case, he forgot because this is part of his personality.

1:04:44He forgets dates and this is who he is. And that has nothing to do with me or what it means to our relationship. If he's going to call me, you know what? This is another thing. If it's so important for you to celebrate that anniversary and speak up about it and your husband forgot about it there's nothing wrong with you reminding your husband hey tomorrow's our anniversary she's one of the gym but you want maybe him to do something special remind him a week before i think there's nothing wrong with it i think you do this really well because i also grew up not really celebrating a lot of things like i didn't throw parties for my birthday it wasn't like it's just not how i was raised or trained to like let's celebrate every moment in our life, every anniversary, every year.

1:05:30And as Mexicans, everything's a celebration. So it's also learning to accept. And I think you do this well. You say, listen, um, you had a big guest on this week. You, you've launched, you completed your book, whatever it is. Let's go celebrate and go out to dinner this weekend. So you, you say it like a week in advance and you say, I want us to celebrate and have a celebration. And I even say to you sometimes let's choose a date what day works yes let's do that and you say what you want i wouldn't be doing that i want to be thinking like i'm just like all right i completed this thing or i launched my book like let's relax and hang out and then on to the next thing and so if you want something you have to communicate it yeah and you have to understand what is your couple communication yes and we do things differently from our past and if we're joining a family and creating a family we're going to create communication on what we both want moving forward.

1:06:24And it also means I may not want to celebrate every person's birthday, which is five a week. And we're not going to every event and we're not doing a celebration all the time. But it also means when you want to celebrate something, you communicate it to me. And I plan to like celebrate those moments. And I'm like, okay, this is not something I normally do, but she wants to do this this weekend. Let's plan it. Cool. I'm in because we're creating a family together. So it's not like a compromise. It's more about communication of what we want and making sure we're both in alignment and the next thing is conflict resolution when we're not in alignment on something it's really learning how to resolve friction resolve disagreements resolve moments of stress or overwhelm or like hey we're not seeing an eye eye and i think a lot of it starts with conflict resolution is identifying the issue you know also identifying the issue first what is the issue is the issue that you don't love me right now no the issue is you're struggling with something that's happening and you want to feel safe you know or whatever it might be and and it's talking about how can we come to a resolution around this thing how can we create peace around it so you feel good and i feel good yeah because if you don't feel good around something the relationship isn't good and vice versa so it needs to be but i can't uh you know be a martyr and then only make you feel good and then I never feel good.

1:07:49We need to both be in agreement that, okay, this works for me. Maybe I don't love this thing, but it works for me and I'm at peace with it. And we've come to an agreement. And that is learning how to have conscious conflict resolution. Not where you're saying, that's stupid or you're wrong or screaming. It's saying, all right, let's work through this problem. Why do you feel this? way why do i feel this way what doesn't work for you what doesn't work for me what does work for you what does work for me okay is there a way we can come together on this and i think always reminding ourselves you know when when there's a moment of confusion how can we stay connected and like continue like holding hands how can we listen you know something i like to do is read your mind and speak for you you know you start a sentence and i'm like i already know what you're gonna say this this and this is let's just get to the point it's very entertaining to me sometimes because i'm mid-sentence and then you complete what you think i'm going to say and you respond to the thing you thought most of the time i'm right though i would say like 80 percent of the time really but because i'm like smart well i'm also a personality it's like i want to get to the resolution now i don't want to hear stories and go through every little thing of this thing i'm like I understand what you're feeling.

1:09:11Let's get to it. I'm a woman. I understand. So how do we process our feelings? Talking about them. Telling stories over and over again. Telling. Which is okay. But it's, again, understanding and accepting through conflict resolution of like, all right, I get to learn to be more patient and listen more as opposed to just guessing what you're going to say. You bring the stories down a little bit because you're a storyteller. So it's like, you just shorten them a little bit so that I can have more patience. Exactly, yeah. No, and there's also something really, I think it's important that we apply that it's really good.

1:09:41again, the first step for conflict resolution is try your best not to take it personally. Whatever is going on that the other person did that you felt offended or that you felt whichever emotion that you're feeling rejected or not seen or any of these things is like, most likely has nothing to do about you. Right. And so when any of us brings up something to the table it's more in the way of like okay first i'm gonna tell you all the things that i appreciate about you this is what i said we were in hawaii a couple years ago yeah and we had like maybe it's like our first argument or something that we had yeah and it was like an hour of struggle and i was like why aren't we getting to a resolution quickly like it should be you know and it's like maybe our first one in like a couple years or something because men want to fix things quickly that's And this is what I said early on.

1:10:38I said, listen, we can have as many uncomfortable conversations as you want. Like if something is bothering you, I always want you to bring it to me. Something is on your heart or your mind. Even if it's irrational, bring it to me and let's talk about it. And I said, what works for me is not just coming to me after we're in Hawaii and we're in this beautiful place. And I've taken you out to dinner. And we took a walk on the beach. and I, I don't know, bought you some a bikini or whatever it is. And it's like, I've invested in this beautiful trip for us to have this amazing vacation. And then, out of the blue, there's something on your heart or your mind.

1:11:14It was so easy. I can't remember. It was about candles. I don't even remember what it was. It was the silliest thing. It doesn't usually matter what it is. But for whatever reason, you were on this thing for an hour. It wasn't like you were blowing up, but I just felt underappreciated. And all I was thinking about, she's talking about candles or whatever it was you were talking about. It's so easy. I think it's really good to dissect it a little bit. You were talking about something that I didn't do that you wanted, right? It's like you wanted me to have candles out or I don't know. You felt, because this is the way you expressed later when we talked about it, that I was bringing up something because you were not doing enough of that something.

1:11:54And I just wanted to have a romantic night with candles. Right. And at that moment, you said, candles feel like the movies to me. That's true. They feel like you're faking something. Like, what's up with the candles, right? Yeah, yeah. And... It feels inorganic. It feels inorganic. It feels inauthentic. It feels like... But it feels so romantic to me. It feels like I want to throw up in my mouth. Yes. But the thing is... I'm like, we're in Hawaii walking on the beach to the sunset. This is... I am romance. You know, it's like, let's... And for me, precisely because we were in Hawaii and on the beach...

1:12:26You wanted more. I wanted the candles. It was just about the candles. And I'm like, we had flowers in the room. I already had all this stuff. The point is, a conflict is not really about the candles. It's not really about picking up the mail or cleaning the kitchen. It's what's underneath that's what's happening. Of course. So what was underneath, to me, I wanted to create a moment of intimacy. I wanted to share with each other special intimate moments, like trying something a little bit different. you know, just with the candles. Yes. And for you, and at that moment, it was my lack of communication.

1:13:05The way you received it is, oh my God, she's not seeing all of the things that I do right now. I pay for the strip. There's beautiful sunsets. There's like flowers and chocolate. There's all these things that we're experiencing the most beautiful place in the world. And she's over here talking about candles. I'm like, what is this? Exactly. But underneath, you felt unappreciated. That's what was happening underneath. And what I told you is, I said, you can tell me everything you want or anything you don't like about something or you want more of, all these things. But for me, what's going to work for me is if all you have to do is talk about what you're grateful for first, or what you appreciate about what I've already been doing.

1:13:52And if you can come to me and say, gosh, I really appreciate, You don't have to like do a long list of everything, but just like, I really appreciate how you take care of me and that you brought us here. It can be as simple as that. Yeah. Not, you don't have to say, I'm grateful for how you did this today and this. You don't have to give me a list of everything, even though there's a lot of things. What I have to say is like, I just really appreciate how you do this. I laugh because sometimes it's really, if you do so many things. There is a lot of things. So I start saying a lot of things. So all you have to do is say a few things of like, man, I really appreciate these things that you do.

1:14:21And I appreciate how you take care of us. And I appreciate that we went on this beautiful dinner last night. We went on a walk on the beach today. And you were really taking time to, like, make this trip special. Yeah. And I'd like to try this thing. That's it. That's it. Then add. And I'd love to try this thing. Do you think we can get some flowers tonight or we can get some candles too? I think it'd be really fun. Yes. For me, in the process, sorry to interrupt. Yes. As I was trying to explain yourself where I was coming from, um the longer the conversation the faster you wanted to fix it and the faster you wanted to fix it the the faster i felt like i needed to express where i really was coming from which was not of making you wrong which was not of course unappreciative which was more of like i just thought it'd be really cool to do this that's where i was coming from but because you were at that moment because this happens in in you know in conflict you were so focused on trying to fix it very quickly yes i felt unseen and you were feeling unappreciated yeah and that was what's happening underneath in reality so it was i'm so glad that happened yeah because then after it happened we both had this conversation and saying you know love i understand now where you're coming from but for me it just it just sinks in differently and kindly if you tell me in this specific way and i was like okay and then when i tell you in that specific way which i understand because like otherwise it sounds to you like i'm not appreciating everything that you do already um i also would like to try these things and would like to express to you why right and conflict resolution is a powerful thing because you can learn how to be in better relationship with your partner.

1:16:07And even though it takes these moments of stress or overwhelm or conflict in order for you to then have the conversation and say, Hey, when this happens again, here's what I would love for us to try. And that's why I say to you, you can have as many uncomfortable conversations as you want with me. You can bring stuff up. You don't like, you can say you disagree, whatever it is. And we can have that conversation. I guess there's only like two, two agreements that I like to have. One is don't have it when I put my head on the bed. So once I'm in bed, my head shuts off and I can't have these uncomfortable conversations.

1:16:41It's really challenging. Unless there's like a crisis, then okay, let's wake back up and let me be here for you. Which by the way, I want to say that is such a beautiful adaptation we did together of that because we have that agreement that we've made together. You know what? After 11 PM, and it's true, Like one has to choose whenever to say something. So if your husband is just about to leave out the door in 10 minutes to go to work and you bring up a subject. Don't start something. And then you're upset because he had to leave. No. Oh my God, he left me. No, why did you bring it up then? You don't care about this.

1:17:15This is important. You're leaving to work. Exactly. Choose where you're going to bring. You're going with your friends right now. You don't want to listen to me. But I have the tickets already for the game. What do you mean? Why do you bring this up right now? So it's learning how to bring up conflicts at the right times. And it doesn't mean you have to like abandon yourself and wait weeks and months. It's just figure out, okay, when can we, and also saying, hey, there's something on my mind I want to talk about today that's bothering me. When is a good time for you? Exactly. And you make a date about it.

1:17:42It doesn't mean when you want it to be. Your partner has to agree to receive the conversation also. So something's really in your heart and mind. And if they say, oh, actually, I want to resolve this now. So I'm going to cancel my thing because it doesn't work for me to like wait five hours. then that's on you now saying i'm going to cancel this thing and give you what you need or when i get back from this event to this game then we can talk about it or tomorrow morning is better it's like finding a time within like 24 48 hours i think is is good so the person isn't waiting to share this thing and you're saying i value your struggle enough to say when do we want to talk about it for us we don't have many of these conversations but i'm also just like it's and I said to you because there was a couple times we had conversations late at night where I was just like I'm exhausted and you're like you're not being present you're falling asleep and I'm like it's midnight what do you want me to do and so the next day I'm like we need to make a new agreement this isn't working let's agree can we agree no tough conversations after 10 p.m.

1:18:45and now it's like when my head hits the bed can we not have a conversation that's tough Like that's the time where we can talk about what we're grateful for and wind down. And it works for us. And it works for us. And that's the thing. I want to say something that I think is very important. All the things that we are sharing right now are things that work for us. Yes. Because I think all the agreements a relationship has and any relationship has to be tailored for them. Yes. For every person. That's what I love about our relationship. It's tailored for us. maybe certain agreements that we have for a woman that has a more sensitive nervous system, maybe they wouldn't work.

1:19:26Maybe they need different agreements that can work for them. But then the man has to be okay with the agreement they're making. Don't be upset at the agreement. Don't make the agreement if you're not in alignment with it. Right. And then the other thing is that these agreements are also negotiable, which is why I was grateful that you say except there's a crisis because we had a situation that there was a crisis yeah and I woke up in the middle of the night and you were like no we have disagreements at that moment and I was like but my grandpa just died and if there's a safe word if there's something like this is a crisis I need you to wake up then you know you're not crying wolf yes like once a week there's like it's like no this is actually something happening and I'm like, okay, I'm awake.

1:20:09And it's like adrenaline mode. What do you need? I'm here. I have a question for you. What would you say, let's say there's a man and his wife or partner, fiancee, has breakdowns almost every single day and they want the man to be available every single moment. Like what would you? Be careful who you marry. Okay. I mean, choose wisely who you marry or accept this who they are. I mean, it's like if you've been with someone for a year, two, three, four years, and you get married to them, you cannot expect them to change overnight into someone you want them to be. You have to accept who you're marrying, meaning have these conversations beforehand, understand who they are.

1:20:55Hopefully you get to know 90 to 95 % of the person's personality within a two to three year window. Yeah. There's probably stuff I'll never fully know about you. There's always going to be things I'm going to learn about you. But 95 % of you, I understand because I've witnessed so much of your time and experiences together. Yeah. And before getting engaged, before getting married, I said, okay, I'm choosing to accept this about you. It doesn't mean I love everything about you, like little nuances that maybe like annoy me or something, but it doesn't bother me necessarily because I've chosen to accept it and this is who you are.

1:21:33And I could also say, I'm sure there's things that I do that you're like, okay, that maybe it kind of annoys you, but you've chosen to accept me so it doesn't bother you. It's not like, stop doing that. I don't like that. Well, this is the person you married. And this is the person you chose to accept. If you didn't like who I was, you shouldn't have gotten married to me. Now, also on top of that, we know that we're in a growth mindset relationship. So we're both in agreement that we're going to strive to continue to improve individually and together. And it doesn't mean every day we're not going to be perfect ever, but every day we're going to be willing to, you know, I'm going to take a look at that and reflect on it.

1:22:13And if something's horribly bothering you, I don't want that. So what can I do to try to create a new agreement in this space without feeling like I have to change who I am to please you? And I think that process of just a willingness that we are willing to grow, look at things, reflect, because nothing's going to be perfect, but we have accepted who we are. And that acceptance is the foundation. And because of that, we can have these conflict resolution conversations. When we are struggling with something, we can say, what's an agreement we can make around this? And we're going to continue to make agreements for the future.

1:22:55You know, there's going to be new things that we'd have to agree on that come up in our life. It's not like, oh, we have these five agreements and we're good. No. It's going to evolve. It's going to, and some agreements may shift and change. Like it's going to keep evolving. Yeah. And I think that has been the thing because we accept each other. And I, and I said this early on, I go, you know, you can, you can be upset at me. You can have, you know, these challenging conversations. You can say whatever you want, but you have to accept me. you have to accept who I am because I'm not changing to please you yeah I need to make sure that I'm happy with me and you are happy with me and if you're not happy with me or if I'm not happy with you then that's a me thing or a you thing you know it's not you don't need to change I need to change the way I look at you and perceive you and learn to continue to accept you because you're going to evolve and shift and change and adapt in life and so am I I love what you're saying because it really you know adding to that and but it's part of the same subject is when when um you are trying when you're struggling with something about the person you're with over and over and over again is because underneath that you wish they would change that yes that's what it is and when you learn to accept the entire person not just you know not just falling in love with the these parts of the person the entire person you know okay she is fantastic in all these different ways however yeah she has a very thin nervous system and everything makes her break down that's the person you're with and either either accept her or don't be with her exactly because then the frustration that comes sometimes it's not even about the person it's about you're wanting to change the person and and that creates a frustration because things are not the way you want them to be.

1:24:55Yeah. And then that's a struggle. You're going to suffer. And so, and listen, we've both done this in the past in previous relationships where we didn't, we weren't accepted. We didn't accept the people. We wanted people to change. They wanted us to change. And it's just stressful. It just doesn't feel good. And so. And that doesn't mean that throughout the relationship, there's ways in you can grow together. Yes. You know? but but it's it's walking next to each other to create that space as well like if there is a woman or a man with a very you know a nervous system that is breaking down and needs a lot of reassurance all the time and everything you know it's it's again talk about the issue together how can i support you with this issue you know i've noticed this about you is there any way I can bring support in our life to create a better life experience for the both of us.

1:25:47Because I see you struggle. So then it becomes also my struggle. How do we do this together? Yeah. A big thing that people fight about and one of the main causes of breakups and divorces is around money conversations, money problems, money issues. Yes. And so one of the next things in the process we took for the premarital counseling was around finances and creating just a sample budget sheet. Yeah. And I think this is more than just like a one time conversation. This is something that we talked about over and over again. And you can do a whole episode just. Oh, yeah, we could. And we will. I mean, Ramit Sethi has a great book that's like, I will teach you to be rich for couples or something like that.

1:26:31I can't remember the name of it, but we've gone through that. Again, Eight Dates talks about money stuff. We had a whole date in this Eight Dates book by the Gottmans, which was around money. It asks us, I think, 50 questions that we both answer to each other about money to make sure we're in alignment. Your relationship with money. You may have a different relationship with money than I do. Everyone has a different relationship with money. and so you might have similarities within your partner but you're going to have differences also and again it's learning to accept the person and and one of the things we talked about in here was like the debts you have the debts i had we didn't have any debts but it's like it's something you talk about is like is there debt how are you going to handle this how does that make you feel if the partner has that whose responsibility is that um are you merging finances who's paying for what.

1:27:25Like these things that you just don't think about that maybe you assume and maybe you think, oh, the man's going to pay for these things and I'm not going to pay for anything when I'm married. Or maybe you say, we're going to split it 50-50 or I've been a big entrepreneur. I'm going to take on the responsibility. And then two years later, you're married and then one of the two is resentful. You never discuss these things. Never discuss it. Or you find out, oh, wait, what? You had all this debt and you never told me? Like all of this, I think it's information that is important. When you're dating, I think there's a moment.

1:27:58I mean, we talked about this when we were dating, before engaged. And I think that's, for me, I was wanting to go through a lot of this stuff when we were dating because I was like, why get engaged and then break it off? Like, oh, I'm telling your friends and family in the world, oh, we got engaged. And then it didn't work out six months later because we didn't have these conversations. Yes. You don't have to - We had them before getting engaged. Yes. We did eight dates before. Yeah, eight dates was before. Which went into money. and I was making sure, are we in alignment? Now, it doesn't mean we went through whose accounts are where and where we merged your money.

1:28:30It wasn't that, but it was like, are we in alignment on money? There's like 50 questions through the date that we went through on money. And each person has to answer the question. And then if we have a different answer, it was like, okay, why do you really feel about this? How do I feel about this? Are you okay if we did it this way? And we got to an alignment on a lot of these things. And it was like, okay, yeah, I'm okay with this. And you're okay with this. Okay, cool. But if we have a big disagreement around money before getting engaged, and we don't resolve that, it's just going to create more stress and chaos and pain for people in engagement, in marriage, because they think they love each other.

1:29:11but I think marriage, again, we're three months in, so we're not experts in this, but I think it is about creating peace and creating harmony within alignment on values, vision, and lifestyle, rather than do I love this person and does this person love me? Because that's going to be enough. I just don't think that's enough for people. No, it's not enough. And I've been working on this book the last few years, Make Money Easy, which was all about healing your relationship with money. And I think when each individual goes through that process of healing their relationship with money, you have more peace and harmony coming together as well.

1:29:46Because you don't have fears, anxieties, limitations blocking you from feeling free with money. Also, you know what else? It's good to read that book together. Huge. You know, your book. Huge. But as couples. Yes. Read it together. Because a bunch of the questions and examples that come up in the book, you can share with each other. So it helps to share what? The experience of money is being for each other, and then it helps you to understand your partner. Yeah. Because what's underneath any fight of money for a lot of people is trust, for example. You know, appreciation. There's another one. Oh, I buy her all these different things.

1:30:26But she does. All she does is complain. Complain and all this. And she just doesn't care. So she's not valuing my effort. Yeah, yeah. Not valuing my job. Not valuing what I bring to the table for the both of us. So it's feeling unappreciated underneath. Or he's not sharing any of his finances. Why? You know, it's weird. What's going on? Oh, well, it's a matter of trust. Or he's cheap or he's whatever it is. It's a matter of trust. So there's deeper things underneath what the conflict about money is. Yeah, and if you guys want us to do a whole episode on money and relationships, let us know in the comments below.

1:31:02Also, because in that whole episode, we can talk about the prenup. Oh, yeah, everything. we can talk about oh my god it's such a process the whole process if you want more of that or you've got problems with that let us know in the comments below uh so that was just part of it again this could be a whole weeks for people to go through from that uh then we went over married intimacy oh my god that was so beautiful and so important and i can't remember that part but what was the main part of it so the main thing about the main thing about intimacy in in married couples which is beautiful is that one of the things is that we think marriage is a finish line oh we got there great now she's my wife forget about the lover you know when it's like you know what before we got there i was getting ready for you to go out on a date you were getting ready for me to go out on a date we would go on a date together we'd make it fun joyful special yeah it's also i was taking care of my health before you were taking care of your health before and you can't just let go of yourself because you're married now.

1:32:18It's like taking care of your health, taking care of your mind, getting ready for each other to go out and experience life and go on dates, like all those things. Yeah. The way they talk about it in the workshop also is that, because a lot of people think, oh, if you're in a Christian workshop or in a Catholic workshop, it's like, you never talk about sex. We should never talk about it. No, they talk about it because they tell you your husband and your wife is there to enjoy each other that is literally another avenue of God's love for you that is there for you so there's the the way to build intimacy has everything to do with everything we discussed before you know you're not going to feel like you want to be intimate with me if I'm complaining about you all day long if I'm complaining about the life we have all day long.

1:33:09If you feel unappreciated, you're going to be like, you know, I don't even know if I want this. Or maybe you just want that. And then you'll be like, because I don't want, you know, it's all encompassing everything. And it's an opportunity and a gift that God gives us to enjoy each other's love in a physical way. And it is as important as the other ones also, knowing that it will change and evolve in times and all these different things so it's like what happens if the woman doesn't want to have sex as much as the man what happens yeah well you probably have to ask her why like what's happening with you what's going on it may not have anything to do with a man most likely something's going on for her and so you can like you can curiosity you know address the woman and say hey um i love connecting with you this way.

1:34:06So it's not about sex per se, it's about intimacy. I love connecting with you this way. I feel loved when we have, you know, when we're intimate with each other. And I'm starting to feel less... Disconnected. I'm starting to feel disconnected. And that's a beautiful way to connect with you. It's interesting because I don't want to be like, men are like this and women are like this however there are certain things that we are different this is a reality and for men what i've heard from you is like looking for that connection when you when you are intimate with your partner you feel more connected right and for us in order for us to feel intimate with our partner we need to feel emotionally connected first so it's almost like which one's the first like chicken out of the egg but in reality it's a complement of each other in that way.

1:34:59You feel, you, you, you, um, you feed the emotional connection and you feel the physical connection one and another and they go in like this in a circle. But why would you think a woman wouldn't want to have intimacy with their partner? Feels disconnected. You mean ask the woman? Probably. I don't know. She feels disconnected or she feels undervalued or underappreciated or something's off. Something's off for some reason. Doesn't feel attracted to the man or feels resentful or feel, I mean, a number of things. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know, there's an interesting thing that I've learned recently that you know how there is harmful machismo.

1:35:48You know what machismo, right? Am I saying it right? Yeah. Yeah. There's also harmful... It's your language. I know, but I'm saying a machismo, but I don't know if it means the same thing. It means the same thing here. Macho machismo. Macho machismo. There's harmful machismo. Yeah, yeah. And there's also harmful feminism. Ah. Like, I believe this. And when you, as a woman, you start thinking that your power over your man has to do with sex. Ah. And how much you give it to him or not and when and only when you want to. And all of that stuff, you are creating the biggest prison ever. And it's a version of control.

1:36:33Yeah. It's manipulation. It's manipulation. Absolutely. Man. Yeah. And so I think that part is important to, you know. So women shouldn't control sex with the man they're married to? No. I don't think so. Shouldn't manipulate them or say, I'm not giving it to you or not now. No, I don't think so. Why? What happens when that happens? Because you're falling into the trap of control as in anything else in life. That's not love. That's not love. You are saying, I have this thing that you want, so therefore I'm above you right now and you're here. You don't get it. So unless you do this and this and this and that, I'll do this.

1:37:16Oh, man. And that's going to make the man resentful. Exhausting. It's going to be exhausting. And you are not realizing this, but you are making yourself a thing. How so? How so? But you're saying, this is a thing. This is what you value and you're not going to give me. Yes. This is what I'm going to put my value into as a woman. It's going to be my body. So then, therefore, that's the value. And so there you go. You're only going to have it when I want to, how I want to. Great. It's fantastic. You look great right now. what's going to happen when you're 60 or 70? Are you really? You are going to be continuing to make the effort of put your value on the physical aspect of you?

1:37:56You're not building for the long term. Wow. This is why I think. It's like. It's also you, when you make a sacrament of matrimony, if you're getting married, I guess, maybe if you're not in a relationship, but if you're getting married, and you're saying, I'm choosing to only be with you and to be sacred with you and someone says no you can't have it for a week or weeks or months or whatever like what do you think is going to happen someone's going to be like break the relationship it's a break the relationship but it's like if you're forcing someone now if there's something medical or something else that's happening oh yes it's different but i'm talking about if you're having power and control over the person and saying no you can't have this right now until you do this or this or whatever.

1:38:45Unless you've broken trust in some way, like, and the person really needs time to heal, that's different. But if it's just like, you're not listening to me, you're not going to get this. Some petty thing. I mean, if it's... Sometimes it doesn't come that way. Sometimes it comes in like, I'm tired. Yeah, exactly. The kids are so much this and this and that. But you're building a gap. You're building a gap and you're, you know, It doesn't matter how disciplined the partner is you're with. You spend six months doing that, a year doing that. They start to be like, man, their mind's going to wander, no matter how disciplined they are.

1:39:20It doesn't mean they're going to cheat, but you're not setting your relationship up for success. You're setting it up for more of an ability for someone else to get in or distractions or whatever it might be. And so you just got to be mindful of that. You've got to be really mindful, I think. Otherwise, or just communicate. Hey, I'm not really feeling it right now. and something's going on in my body and I just need like a couple weeks or whatever it is. I was just going to say. Communicating it. Yes. Hey, I'm going through stuff right now, but there's other ways we can be intimate. Like, I don't want us to lose the intimacy.

1:39:51There's other ways to be intimate. And the thing is that it is true. Sometimes all of the things that I just mentioned, I'm tired, the kids and all that. We don't have kids yet, but I know. Exactly. You can be exhausted at certain times. 100%. It's not those things. But when the gap is to. When it's manipulation, though. It's more like power. When it's manipulation. Yeah. Or when it's too much. That gap is actually too much. And then it becomes a little bit dangerous. Yes. Because also, I think, like I said, when you, and like you said also, when you're creating this covenant of marriage, you are committing yourself to that person.

1:40:35You are. You are. Otherwise, don't get married. Exactly. You're committing to that person. But if that person is not fulfilling their vows, because being intimate with each other is part of fulfilling the vows. When that person is not fulfilling their vows, I think it leads to a conversation with a therapist, with a priest, with somebody that can guide you to that. You know, there's something deeper happening in there that we don't know what it is because we don't, you know. And that's why I go back to, you know, the beginning of like knowing that we both had a growth mindset or a reflective mindset.

1:41:14It's like, hey, I'm willing to look at myself in the mirror if something's off, say, how can I improve? Or how can I take a look at this and see things differently and find an adjustment to make sure our relationship's working? And that made me feel safe knowing you were in the same position, that we are both in this position. So it's like when stuff comes up like that, it's really having the conversation. and learning how to manage the conflict with like calm resolution and then create agreements around it. And it might be seasonal. So it's, it's yeah. Intimacy, married intimacy is a big one.

1:41:47There's two final things that we went through with this process. And after we share these two final things, I'm going to share both of these big announcements, these surprises. So stay tuned for that in a moment. But the next one was dreams, goals, and decision-making. And it's talking about how to communicate, get clear, and be in alignment on each other's dreams, goals, and decision-making. Because when you're getting married, there's two individuals with their own either careers, goals, dreams, things they've overcome, and visions they have for the future. And when two come together to create a unity, a family, it's, I communicated early on about like, this is my dreams.

1:42:39This is my goal. This is the season of life I'm in right now. And I don't know if this is going to be 10 years, 20 years, two years. I don't know. But this is where I'm heading. And I want to make sure you're cool with that. Meaning the lifestyle I have, which sometimes I'm traveling a lot. Sometimes I'm speaking on stage. Sometimes there's a lot of people around. Sometimes I'm interviewing people. Sometimes I'm not. Sometimes whatever. Sometimes you're writing. Sometimes your dream that you have right now, which is fantastic. Exactly. You know, it's like I've got a plan to go to the Olympics in the future, and that's going to take me traveling a lot.

1:43:12It's going to take us traveling together, you know, supporting that dream. Absolutely. Is that something in your alignment? And I also know that you make movies. You usually make two or three movies a year. That's between eight to ten weeks at a time. You're going to be traveling. It's like, am I cool with that? Am I cool with either not seeing you for a couple weeks at a time because I'm going to need to be present here, traveling back and forth, vice versa? Is that a lifestyle that I'm cool with? Yeah. Because if it's not and it's a big no-no and I never want to travel and you're always traveling, then that lifestyle conflict, that dream and goal conflict is going to create a conflictive relationship.

1:43:55Yeah. And also the decision, the decision making, I think is important because another thing that I think is beautiful that we do and we started implementing is what your dreams are, they are also my dreams. Yes. What my dreams are, they're also your dreams. Yes. I mean, obviously we're two individuals and you have your dreams of playing handball and doing all these things. and I have my own dreams. But what happens is when we're sharing them with each other because we are together choosing each other as husband and wife. They're our dreams. They become our dreams. Yes. And then we discuss them.

1:44:35Like I remember this time, this was a long time ago, but I was going to go for a project that was going to shoot in South Africa. And I was really close in the audition process. Yes. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just don't want to say the project, but I'll tell you after a while. I didn't remember it was South Africa. Yeah, at the time we didn't know it was going to shoot in South Africa. Ah, gotcha. But potentially it was going to be either Australia or South, some place far away. Yeah. And I remember we had a conversation about it. It would have taken me nine months, between eight to nine months, to shoot that thing there.

1:45:11And I called my manager and I said, I know they're between me and another girl. I don't want to take it. Yeah. Because we discussed this, like, does it work for our life? and the way we are setting up our foundation. And to me, it was worth not doing it. It wasn't a big enough dream project. It wasn't like, this is the project I've always wanted to do. But even if it was, that's the thing. When you make a decision, that's the decision we make together. So there's no point later into turning around and saying, remember that thing that I let go because of it. No, no, no. No, we made the decision together and it was a good decision.

1:45:46I was at peace. You were at peace with it. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. You weren't like, I really want to do this, but I have to sacrifice for this. you were like it's okay if i don't because you also had lots of options you have this other project and this other movie and the movies i produce myself that i can choose you know the schedule when i'm doing it but maybe if it was eight weeks it would have been different but nine months you're like oh that doesn't make sense yeah so it's coming up with the decision making and again agreements around that yeah and and with your dreams absolutely you came back from the olympics and said hey hey i want to go to the olympics i want to go to the olympics and you also knew that I always wanted to go.

1:46:24Yes. So it was like, you knew that I'm going to do stuff like this. Yeah. Which is, by the way, the beauty of sharing life together. Who am I to say, no, you can't. Wait a second. But we have, you know, this and this. Right. No, this is why we're choosing to be together from our freedom. From our freedom. So it's like you are excited about this dream. I'm excited about that dream. Is it going to take us to Spain and going somewhere? Okay, we'll go. That's what we're doing. That's what we are doing. So that part, I think it's obviously where we have only been married for three months, but we've been using it for all the time and all the years we've been in our relationship.

1:47:07And I think it's an important foundation. Absolutely. The last thing is about spirituality and kind of bringing it home. So they started with, again, a candle ceremony and kind of setting the stage for the weekend. And then we went through all these different exercises, role-playing. They did breakout sessions with small groups so we could say, oh, why do you think that way? Why do you think that way? And kind of get these different couples' opinions as well, which I thought was interesting. We did a lot of games where it's like we sat back to back and it was like, raise your hand if you think this way.

1:47:38And raise your hand if you think this way. And it was like. Raise your hand if you know your significant other has debt. Raise your hand if you know that. It was interesting to see also other couples. Other people. that didn't know their stuff yet. Yeah. And so all these kind of exercises and games and role-playing really allowed you to get to know your partner more who you're engaged with about to get married to. That's why I think it's important to do stuff like this before engagement. Yes. Because if your chemicals of love are saying, this is the woman I want to be with, the man of my dreams, because we've had, whatever, fun vacations together and he makes me feel good or she makes me feel great.

1:48:17And you don't do a lot of this stuff, you're just going to be heartbroken when you're married because you're going to have such a high expectation that they can never meet. And you're going to feel frustration after frustration, after resentment, after resentment. And then one day you're going to wake up looking at the person saying, why did I fall in love with this person? Why do I love this person? Because you haven't chosen to understand everything about them or at least 80, 90 % and say, do I accept all of them? Do I accept all of them? And can I love all the parts of them? Not just the part of the fantasy world, you know, the romance.

1:48:54Or when they're happy. Can I accept this person also when they're frustrated? Yeah, exactly. Well, they do these things when they're frustrated. Well, this is who they are. Can you accept it? Can you accept that? Doesn't mean you have to love it or like it, but can you accept it? Yeah, yeah. So the spirituality part was kind of like bringing it all home. Go ahead. And the spirituality part also was about how to raise children. Was it? In spirituality. Meaning like, because that's a big, you know, I have certain friends that are dating somebody from a completely different faith. Well, that's a conversation.

1:49:23Yeah, yeah. You know, because if they're really hardcore that faith, which is good, then, but if it's completely different from yours, how are you going to raise kids? 100%. Come to those agreements. Like, talk about it. Like, if it's not as important for you, but still talk about how you're going to raise children. Right. That's really important. Exactly. And a lot of it was spirituality in the home. How's your relationship going to be with spirituality, raising kids with spirituality, all those things. Yeah. Which brings me to the first surprise. Would you like to share? The first surprise? The third surprise.

1:50:00I don't know which one is the second one. Just say the first one. Okay. Do you want me to say it? I'll say the second one. Go ahead. Okay, so I'm pregnant. Ah, yay. We are having a family together, a bigger family together. Yes, so that's the big announcement. We made you guys wait a couple hours to hear it, but you're pregnant, and maybe we'll talk more about it later in another episode, but that's just something we wanted to share with people here. At this point, we've already probably posted about it online, but we've been quiet about it for a few months. So it's a big surprise. I mean, it's not a surprise.

1:50:37We were planning this, but it's a surprise to people. Emotional. Yeah, it's beautiful. It's beautiful. So that's the surprise that I was sharing before. I love you. That's the first one. It's a good surprise. It's a great surprise. Yes, it's a great surprise that we're sharing. I mean, it's not a surprise for us. Exactly. It's a good announcement. Yes. And I think all of this that we went through, this pre-marriage counseling, this whole process, although it takes time it takes energy it takes patience it takes frustrating conversations to work through them it's not like this fun oh we're going on the beach this weekend it's like oh you're going in you're diving in you're having conversations about stuff that's messier although it is all those things it created such a great foundation for us to get married the way we got married yes and for you to get pregnant and to feel like there's safety there's like peace there's harmony there's agreements when there's challenges you know we we know how to resolve conflict so we're not living in like this stressful chaos it's like we've done a lot of the work we've come together and again we're not speaking from a place of like we're married for 20 years and we figured this process out no it's more of we feel like we've had to learn through challenges and adversity and a lot of ups for the first few years of like how to set a foundation and create a process that works for both of us to come together to get married yes and this is what works for us i wanted to ask you something yes how do you feel i feel very good about becoming a parent i feel good again i've i told you yesterday i was like it hasn't really hit me yet i mean it's hit me, but I don't think it's going to hit me until like, I see your belly like really big.

1:52:25And probably like the day it happens, then I'm going to be like, holy, this is really happening. So I'm excited, but I'm more in mode of like, I got to get more done. I got to get ahead. I got to plan. I got to like produce, create, provide. I'm more like, all right, let's go. You know, I'm like thinking ahead of the future. And so it's, it's very exciting, but I'm also, So, you know, it's not in my body. So it's more, I'm like, I'll never know what that feels like. I mean, I've been feeling it at different moments, but I didn't feel the marriage until like really like the day before or something, you know?

1:53:02And I was like, oh, this is happening. Even the day of, I was like playing pickleball in Mexico and I was like, oh, I guess I'm getting married tonight. But it was that evening, the church wedding, those were all like, oh, the day of, okay, this is happening. But no, I'm feeling it. I'm feeling excited, but I'm just not physically feeling it like you are. No, well, obviously you're not physically feeling it. I'm feeling it. So I'm not feeling the range of emotions and hormones and all these things that you feel every moment, but I'm excited. Yes. But we still have time. We still have time. I know.

1:53:32So I got to prepare my mind. I got to get my resources together and get ready. So that's where I'm at. But that's the announcement and the surprise. Our family is expanding. It's expanding. You're an amazing wife. I love you. You're an amazing husband. We've got so many things we could talk about in future episodes on like, you know, prenup situation, why it was important for you to change your last name. Like all these things to create a stronger foundation and a stronger unity for us that works for us. And so whatever you guys want to hear about next, let us know in the comments below. Let us know what you enjoyed most from this conversation.

1:54:07Again, I feel like we just scratched the surface. We're almost two hours in for one episode. Okay. And I think this is a good place to start. There was a lot of additional topics and reflection that we also went through, which is around like your family, my family, our family, planning for kids, living together. There's like so much around like moving in and living together that most people don't understand. Agreements, disagreements, all these different things. But this was a good start, I think, for people. And it was a great start for us before getting married because, again, it just made us feel, it made me feel more peace.

1:54:44And I think I always had fear around marriage growing up because I just didn't feel like I had a good model of it. You had a great model with your parents. They're incredible. They're still together 40 years later, married and they're happy. And so for me, it was like, I really needed to feel at peace and safety. I needed to feel like someone wasn't going to sweep the rug underneath me and like say, oh, I say I love and accept you. And then we're married and now change this, do this. I don't like this, blah, blah, blah. And I was just like, I'm not living that life, you know, because I've lived it too many times.

1:55:17So for me, having someone who's a growth minded, someone who's got a regulated nervous system and that knows how to manage their emotions was big for me. And it's something you have that you do beautifully. And so I'm very grateful. I try my best. Not every day, I'm like, but most of the time. Most of the time, but it's all right. I'm not either. But I appreciate you. I'm grateful for you. I love you. I'm excited for our life. I'm grateful that we got married, that we're having a family. Yes. And hopefully this conversation is helpful for people. Yes. You know, hopefully it is. Again, we don't have all the answers.

1:55:54We're not experts at marriage. And also this is what works for us. That doesn't mean it's going to work for everybody else. But I feel like, you know, together, being together, but also like you led us in this beautiful path of how we're going to set up the foundation. Because a lot of the things that we did were your ideas that you wanted to bring to the table. Things that I fantasized about doing, you know, back in the day with whomever was going to be my husband. but I never thought, oh, I'm going to meet a man that he's going to want to do this work like on his own, which I was really happy about.

1:56:34Like including like the first time we went to mass together is because it was your idea. You said, hey, let's go to church. I was like, oh my God. And I'd never been to mass and never been to a Catholic church, but I knew you were raised that way. So I wanted to like explore it for you and say, okay, if this is meaningful for you, I'm willing to try it. It doesn't mean I'm going to commit to this forever, but I'm willing to explore and try things and see what it feels like and i think it's a combination also because you know you we do this with each other if i see things that you're doing that bring you joy and peace i'm like not only go for it but also oh i'd like to try that too yeah exactly it's like because we see that the outcome of these things is more joy more peace more fun more you know curiosity about life and exploring and like and and more of setting up a foundation absolutely yeah yeah i love you i'm grateful for you grateful for you i appreciate you you're a wonderful man your amazing wife if you guys enjoyed this share below what you want to hear more of make sure to subscribe to martha's channel as well infinitos on youtube follow her on instagram it's still your former name Martha Iguodeta but in the future we'll start switching those things around but but check her out follow her if you want us to do more of this let us know this was this was fun this is the first time in like a year and a half almost yes because people loved the last episode we did the last two episodes we did and I feel like we've learned so much in the last year and a half from this process going through all these books and workbooks and workshops and relationship mentors so I think we should share more We both experienced in the past similar relationships that brought us to, you know, we were both not to say anything about, you know, the people we're with because we chose them.

1:58:22But so many people are there outside. There are in a very codependent relationship. So like if you want us to share how was it for us, how to, you know, not break from that, but like inside of you, how to break free inside of you from those things in order to find and build together a healthier love. Absolutely. And I think that, you know, that would be really fun to share. Let's do it. You guys want more? Let us know. Te amo, I love you. You're amazing. I love you. I love you. I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy. And if you're looking to create more financial freedom in your life, you want abundance in your life, and you want to stop making money hard in your life, but you want to make it easier, you want to make it flow, you want to feel abundant, then make sure to go to makemoneyeasybook.com right now and get yourself a copy.

1:59:22I really think this is going to help you transform your relationship with money this moment moving forward. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review.

2:00:00I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I wanna remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

2:00:24Thank you. Solucion