Matthew Hussey's Expert Tips for Attracting and Maintaining True Love

38:34Not true. And we need to start worrying more about happiness. because if someone isn't building with you if someone isn't committing to actually building the castle with you that's the quality of your life yeah not how in love you are you might love certain things about them you might have loved the date you went on you might have loved them the space mountain or certain characteristics they had sex was incredible charming they were how charismatic, how whatever. It didn't, but maybe, it doesn't mean that you're happy day to day. It's a big difference, right? When do you know, I love this analogy, and it made me want to ask you about when do you know you're ready for a committed, intimate relationship?

39:22When do you know you're ready for it as opposed to you just feel alone and you want to have someone in your life? I guess when you're ready to build. When you're ready to build. When it's not you're going there because the fantasy of it all is exciting to you. But when you're actually ready to build. And that doesn't mean that you're not looking. See, the castle analogy is cool because when we were talking earlier about this idea of giving without expectation. well you you do expect something in a relationship right it's overly simplistic we do expect things we expect respect as loyalty defined on whatever terms loyalty means to us love appreciation all of that to be seen we have a lot of expectations in a relationship so it's not a relationship where we just we give without expectation but that to me is where the building thing is really interesting to me because you want to work hard as a builder in your relationship but you want someone else who's building too right that's where the expectation comes in i'm gonna i'm gonna work hard to build this thing and i'm gonna build it at a really high standard i'm not gonna look at your work and go well if you missed out some of the grouting there then i'm gonna you know like skip it on my end no this is my standard yeah i'm gonna build to a really high standard what if the person you've been with for a year isn't building to your standard that's that's a conversation that's a real conversation like here's what i need here's the kind of relationship i want to have when do you start to just say well it's okay if they do half the job that i do is the job is the job they're doing half when you really need them to do well or is it one that can be done half sometimes i think there are certain things we let go in a relationship That's where the compromise comes in.

41:18That's where the sacrifice comes in. There are certain things I'm okay with you not doing as well as I once thought I needed someone to do them. I thought this thing was really important. It's not. It's not that important. I love you. What are we doing? I'm not worried. It's not that big of a deal. And we've all done that. We've all seen those things that once were important to us and we let them, we said, you know what, this, I was at an age where I thought that was really important. and it's no longer as important or as significant as I made it. And then there are things that never stop being important or they become more important.

41:52The ability to communicate well. I think as you get older, those things become more important. The ability for someone to have genuine empathy. The ability for someone in, let's say, an argument to not jump to saying a spiteful thing that's hard to then forget. someone who doesn't try and do damage in an argument but tries to build tries to figure out let's figure this out together we may both be hurt but let's come to this in a loving way when you're younger you say that's just mean hurtful because you're hurt yeah right and then you realize oh god three months later they still remember that comment even though they said they forgot it and they hold on to it they still they they still have that in their head i'm not doing that again there's certain things i think as you get older hopefully if we mature we start to see these are the this is the important stuff what do you think are the i didn't prep you on this before but what do you think are the three or five components to a foundation of a relationship that has the potential to really thrive long term committed for decades what are like it needs to have these three or these five things otherwise it's going to be really challenging to be to sustain this type of love and joy and happiness i mean a couple of simple ones i guess uh i need to show up for my partner in ways that they need me to not just ways that are comfortable to me we in other words pay attention to what your partner actually needs because it's really easy to say, I'm going to bring them lunch every day.

43:35That's like, I'm a really good cook and I'm really, you know, I want to slave away every morning to bring them lunch every day because, you know, that's me giving. Maybe they don't need to bring lunch every day. Like, maybe they don't care. Maybe what would mean the most to them is them getting home and you really being interested in their day. Do you think love languages is an important part of this where it's like understanding someone's love language and giving them their top priorities? Yeah, I think that it's an interesting framework. And it's been, for a lot of people, a very successful framework.

44:08I think any framework that just allows you to kind of, you know, create a little structure for things that gives you some simplicity around it can be valuable, you know? And it doesn't mean it's the only framework you can apply, but it's a valuable model to work from. So showing up in ways that they need. So showing up in ways, yeah, not what do I want to give, but what do they actually need from me? And I think that's a lot of conflict in relationships because, and I think you need to understand, do I want to do something that's uncomfortable every day that's not foreign to me or that's foreign to me?

44:39Or do I want to find a partner that enjoys the things that I like to give? Well, that's an interesting question. You know, probably any relationship is going to be a bit of both. But sometimes it works even without, like, that's a kind of compatibility issue. I think it even works outside of that in day-to-day stuff. Because you might say, the thing I want to give to my partner is an awesome night together. But maybe what they need is an awesome night with their friends. And maybe the most loving thing you can do is say, hey, I know you haven't seen this person in a while. You should go and see them.

45:15I know that relationship is important to you. You should go and hang out with your mum tonight. recognizing not what's easy for me to give but what might be less comfortable for me to give but is actually what would mean the world to them yeah and and i think if you really want to make yourself irreplaceable to someone it's recognizing that because no one else is going to do that for them i mean you know what i mean like it's they sell maybe but it's really rare to find someone who who is willing to do that for you okay so that's number one thing is to work on yourself and to say, I'm responsible for me.

45:52My partner isn't responsible for me. I need to do the work to be the most loving, confident person I can be in this world. What are those? It's fulfilled, has their own purpose, has things that drive them. That to me is very, very important. What's the first thing people should do to do work on themselves? Because you threw a few things out there, but what's like? I mean, firstly, do you have, maybe here's an interesting question you can ask yourself. If I had 10 hours free right now, what would I do with them? Interesting. If you can't give a good answer to that question, you might already be describing one of the weaknesses of your relationship.

46:34And binge watching a series is not the best use of your time. It's, you know, if the answer is, oh my God, will I have my purpose, the thing I love getting stuck into? or it doesn't even have to be some grand purpose. Not everyone has found like their life's calling, but it could be, I really want to learn this language or I really want to see this friend or I really want to go and, you know, whatever it is, read this book or learn this thing. Take care of my health. Yeah, I can't wait to get to the gym. If you should be able to answer the question of, my partner canceled on me today. What would I do with that day now?

47:09And if you can't, then you begin to describe the person who's sitting there waiting for their partner to text them, waiting for their partner to make them feel good enough. And that's not attractive. It's not, and it's not fair to our partners. It's a lot of pressure. It's a lot of pressure. And by the way, people put a lot of pressure on their partners by expecting their partner to put a Band-Aid on all sorts of things for them. You know, if they're feeling like there's a lot of rhetoric about vulnerability right now. Now, I think vulnerability is huge. I think the work that people like Brene Brown are doing and so on is huge.

47:42It's massively important. Vulnerability is absolutely an act of courage. And we should encourage it more. Both sexes all the time. But vulnerability is something's making me insecure. And I'm going to share it with you because you're my partner and I love you and I tell you things. But you don't want to do that every day, right? It goes beyond vulnerability if an hour from now I tell you, oh, God, I'm feeling insecure again. And an hour from now, you go, that thing's affecting me again. And this morning, tonight, because now, in a way, what we're doing is instead of sharing, we're dumping. I'm asking you now to fix it for me, to put a Band-Aid on it for me.

48:28Make me feel better, yeah. Of course, it's part of our part. A loving partner will support you and will do everything in their power to make you feel loved and to make you feel safe and to make you feel secure. And it's absolutely true that sometimes what we're feeling as insecurity is because our partner isn't doing their job in those things. That's true. They're not building. They're not building. They're doing things that are proactively making us feel insecure. There's minor betrayals, minor neglects, all of that. But sometimes we have to say, okay, what part of this am I responsible for? And it's my partner's responsibility.

49:08It's our responsibility in life together to share, to share the load, to work towards things together. But it's not your job to carry the load for me, to carry my problems, to put the Band-Aid on every day. Maybe once in a blue moon. Of course, of course. And we're all going to do that. We're all going to have days, weeks, times where we're going through something really serious. And our partner's job is to show up. You know, but my friend of mine who's kind of blunt said to me, some days or weeks you get to be needy and difficult and high maintenance and boring and, you know, insecure. And then you don't.

49:52And I thought, yeah, like we get to be those things for a time until we don't. until it gets too much for somebody else because we need to be at the very least we need to show our partner we're committed to our own growth yeah so the you know the first one what did we have show up in ways they need not just ways you want to show up the second one's uh work on yourself i guess the third one to me teamwork is everything like being a genuine team is huge really looking at each other as teammates as opposed to you're there to meet my needs or I'm competing with you in some way. Man, I've done that before.

50:36Like we're an actual team. I saw, you know, one of the things I loved most about Chris Rock's recent stand-up, Tambourine. I haven't seen it yet. Such a genius name. The whole concept is about the idea that he couldn't in his last marriage play the tambourine. He couldn't play the backup instrument, right? Right. And I thought it was such a great, great metaphor. Because in a good relationship, in a really genuinely mutually supportive relationship, some days you play tambourine. Some days you're their teammate. You can't, you know, the way he says it, her success is your success and vice versa.

51:17You're in this together. And some days that person's the lead. and you're on tambourine. And a lot of people have never learned how to play tambourine. There's the other thing, I don't remember where it comes from, but every relationship has a flower and a gardener, right? Most people don't want to be in a relationship where they're always the gardener. They want to be the flower, right? Blooming all the time. Yes, and sometimes you have to be the gardener. No matter how long you've played the flower, right? Right. You and I have played flowers a lot in our lives, right? We've been used to being a certain, having a leader role and having these kind of big lives and big worlds and whatever.

52:01And then you go to a relationship and the relationship doesn't give a shit. You know what I mean? About you. No. Yeah. I don't care that you're the flower out there in the world. Sometimes in our relationship, you have to be the gardener. Sometimes you've got to play tambourine. even if to everyone else you are the constant flower right movie reference constant gardener you can't you can't be the constant flower right you can't you might be in your business in some way but the relationship is different you can't now you're coming as two equals and so it's so much of it's checking your own ego and being like i'm in this to to be with you as a teammate not this or this this when you know you found your match for life or your potential match for life that you think this could be the match by the way these are much harder questions than the first interview you know is it when you see these three things after a period of time and you feel convinced that the the the bricks are being laid equally in a certain way yeah like when you I'm ready to be committed all in.

53:14I think there are four stages to a relationship. Stage one. Stage one is admiration. That's when you don't have a relationship with this person. You admire, like, attract you to. I look at you and I'm like, this person's hot. They have something about them. I like their qualities. I like their energy. They have a good potential. Yeah. Okay. And by the way, that doesn't even mean they have good potential for you right now. It just means this is a person of high potential in some way. You admire them, yeah. The second stage is connection. And you could, I think, in a sense, connection and chemistry are both relevant to this stage.

53:54Because you have this person where there's a mutual like. I like things about you. You like things about me. I think you're attractive. You think I'm attractive. We share some common ideas, common grounds in life, our outlook, whatever. Beliefs, yeah. Yeah. that could be found on a great date. Doesn't really mean much still. This is the plot of land. Yeah, you can have great sex, there'll be chemistry, you can make out all night. None of this means you're gonna have a great relationship. Okay. The third stage is commitment. That says, I want to do this with you. I am committed to building with you.

54:36And you are committed to building with me. right that's a really great stage to be at it's very important right it's you can't have a relationship without that any relationship without that or where that's one-sided is unrequited love by definition and there are a ton of people out there right now who say i'm just you know i created a program recently called attraction to commitment which literally dealt with why people keep getting stuck in limbo yeah why they keep getting stuck in the casual phases and it never gets to a relationship. One of the things that fascinates me is how long we stay with something that's just casual, that isn't a real relationship, on the hope that it will change.

55:22Unrequired love, you know? Certainly unrequired commitment. It's a nice time when you're like 23, right? That's stage three. Stage four is compatibility. and the hard thing i think for a lot of people is i used to question this one myself like if you know the idea love conquers all right it doesn't it does not i wish i like it i like that phrase it's an amazing i love the phrase i love the sentiment of it maybe amazing bumper sticker you know and there's nothing you know what is more powerful in the world than than love and all you need is love yeah apparently apparently not it's not we need a little more it you can have love without commitment right and you can have you can have commitment without compatibility interesting and this is where things get i used to think well maybe commitment is enough and maybe issues with compatibility can be overcome as long as two people are truly committed to each other I don't believe that anymore.

56:31I think that it goes beyond commitment. To truly last, you have to have two people who are really compatible. Like, okay, let's say we've got commitment. Two people want to be together. They admire each other. They have chemistry. Right. They say, I'm committed to you. But one person's sex drive is here and the other one's is here. Not compatible. This is going to be difficult. One person likes to spend a lot of money. another person wants to save all the money. One person believes in a certain religion, another person doesn't believe in that. One person, you know, wants to spend five days a week together, the other person is happy with one night a week together.

57:08One person wants their family to move in, the other person wants their space. Right. These are serious, serious issues that often end relationships. And so, to me, you want to say what, how do you know when you found your match? All four. Four stages. All four. I admire this person. We have connection and chemistry. We have genuine mutual commitment. And we're compatible. How do you know if you're fully compatible or somewhat compatible? And is there a spectrum of what's possible? Yeah, I wrestled with that for years myself. We're compatible here, but not here. And can we overcome this incompatibility here?

57:55Is it, it goes back to, is it one of my deal breakers? Is it really important to me? Or can I let up here? And does the other person understand the sacrifice I'm making in letting up there? And do they show appreciation for it? And do they, you know, do they see me for that compromise that I'm making? Or they just expect you should do it easily. Yeah. You just, well, you should have. That's the way I am, so that's the way you should be. Right. And to me, again, part of growing up is realizing I wasn't always right. I was, you know, there were things that I used to, you know, I've looked at ways that I've been in relationships in my past where I did something and I just so thought I was in the right and so took for granted what someone else was doing for me, the way that they were being forgiving understanding and just completely took that for granted you know and i think man i mean you know you talk about we were four years ago we were together on this what's the biggest difference in my life being humbled oh so oh god in so many ways in so many ways thinking you had it figured out in one way but realizing that there was a lot of growth still.

59:20Thinking you wouldn't experience this kind of pain or worry or anxiety or fear. And then, oh, it turns out I can feel that too. And those people who used to use, that I used to hear using the word anxiety, who I used to think, what is everyone fucking talking about anxiety? What is wrong with everyone? Oh, shit. Yeah. The ways that you realize you're not, you're more vulnerable than you thought, that mistakes you thought you'd never make, you make. You make, yeah. You said where everyone else's mistakes. Oh, man. And then you make them. Things that were going well for you for a long time and then all of a sudden didn't go as well and you thought they were just always going to go well.

1:00:03All sorts of things. You go, man. And that to me is what, as you get older, you hopefully, hopefully, you, you know, Socrates said the mark of an educated man is someone who has some awareness of how little they know. and hopefully every year i realize how little i know less more and more i realize how much i don't know and that has just it's made me better it's made me better it's made me more forgiving it's made me more empathetic it's made me less judgmental it's made me a better coach a better speaker not to be so sure of myself about everything all the time you know yeah which It doesn't always make for great Instagram quotes.

1:00:50I don't know a thing. I know. If I know one thing, I know this. Well, yeah, maybe I feel I know less now than I did five years ago. And maybe that's a good thing. It is a good thing, I think. Humility is a good thing. We all need it at times. I'm curious, for all the women who come to your retreats who are suffering, they deeply want this love, this connection, this compatibility, commitment. They want all these things we're talking about. and they feel like they've been struggling for years. They've done the dating apps. They've gone on hundreds of dates. For all the people at your retreats or the women who are watching or listening at home that just want to find their match, their partner, what's the first step they can take to start getting out of the weeds of, like, failure after failure and start seeing some progress to greater potential matches?

1:01:40A couple of things. I mean, firstly, there's a guy called John Kay who wrote a book called Oblickety. And the whole idea of the book was oblickety is when you reach goals through indirect means. So if you take building a business, you're far more like if your goal is to make money, instead of focusing on making money, focus on all the things that provide value to people. Yeah. Because the making money part will be the byproduct. Right. If you focus on, I need to get rich, I need to get rich, I need to get rich, you're probably not going to do the things that are going to get you rich. Right. Because what makes you financially wealthy, the relationships you take time to build, often for a long time, you don't ask for anything, you don't even care to, you're just building.

1:02:29You know, the products that you create for no reason, then you just think that they're great or that you think they have value or whatever the service that you provide people. It's not what's the quickest way for me to make money. Most people like that don't get rich. In a relationship, there's all these things that build a relationship that really have nothing to, that don't feel like they have anything to do with a relationship. Like who would say knowing what you would do with the next 10 hours of your life if it was free is actually going to be a huge determinant of the health of your relationship?

1:03:04It's like one's over here and one's over here. Right. Shouldn't we be talking about how to have better sex? Yeah. Shouldn't we be talking about how to communicate well with my partner? No, we're talking about you being an independently attractive, purpose-driven, independent person who is attractive just to watch from afar because of the life you lead. That's going to lead to a much better relationship. By the way, even that will lead to better sex. Yeah. Because your partner looks at you and is like, this is a person. Yeah. this isn't just an extension of me yeah this is a person so it's the indirect things that that contribute and so let's now take that to the single place i'm i'm single what's what do i do next understand and study and this is a big part of what i do in my work so i'd encourage people to come check that out study the things that contribute to getting you a relationship that often have nothing to do with getting a relationship.

1:04:08The things you do with your spare time. If I want to learn yoga, do I do it on my own at home with a YouTube video? Learning yoga, by the way, on its own could be a good thing just because it makes you more interesting. You have more to talk about. You feel confident in yourself, all of that. But okay, now let me do a more sociable version of that. Let me go and do a class where I might actually have the chance of meeting other people. Maybe they're not men. Maybe they're other single women, but other single women are useful too another indirect variable because you have more single friends or more fun friends more charismatic friends friends who come knocking at your door going hey we're going out get out of your god pajamas we're going out right that person is going to be great for your love life makes you more desirable have more value and makes you leave the house yeah instead of staying in every weekend makes you leave and go to places where people are the books you read who would say the books you read have anything to do with your relationship but they do on a date when you have to talk about absolutely right so there's all these factors now the reason i'm saying that because of course there are direct factors but look my programs in my my company which by the way people could go to how to get the guide.com to go and find all of these but the programs i have there are about very direct things like how to flirt strategy how to meet someone how to do this how to do that but that's one piece of it right it's i encourage people to do all those indirect things and then someone can't say i'm just sick of going out i'm i'm give i give up on what on what yeah like someone said that to me in a seminar and said i just feel like giving up tell me what on yourself on life are you giving up i want to hear this tell me what are you giving up on well i don't

1:05:55meeting people meeting people would you not meet people if you if someone said you can never find the love of your life that's off the table would you really stop meeting people your need for a human interaction would disappear i don't think so you'd stop flirting with people that's part of your character flirt being flirtatious is a part of who we are at times so why would we lose that being sexual would you really lose that you're going to stop being sexual just because the end result isn't coming i don't buy it you'd stop doing hobbies you'd stop getting out there all the things that you have to get rid of to say i'm done with relationships are things that would absolutely erode your life even if you take the relationship out of the equation yeah so i think people have to i understand i know there is a terrific level of like dating burnout right now and if you're out there feeling that right now i urge you to think about this differently and to say i don't have to constantly have it in my mind i'm trying to meet someone i'm trying to meet someone i'm trying to meet someone that game gets boring and now when you go on a date and it doesn't go anywhere you're a failure you're exhausted yeah i'm done see it as life this isn't dating it's life it's meeting people it's experiencing a great conversation having a fun moment of interaction of flirtation doing things you want to do anyway doing hobbies you want to do anyway because they'll they'll enrich your experience of life all of those things are really important you don't have to call it dating just go live it's kind of like the analogy you said about running a business if you're focused on i need the relationship whereas like i need to make a certain amount of money is the is getting the relationship as opposed to why don't i add value to the world and i'll attract the customers that will pay me and i'll make some money because i need to make money focuses on things that make the short-term economics work yeah and those things are generally not good for a business that's it all right same in same in love i want to i want to ask you a couple final questions this just came to me i don't think i've ever asked anyone this but since you're the love guy, I'm going to go there.

1:08:13Typically, I would ask the three truths question, which is what are your three truths if it was the last day of your life? But I'm going to ask you a different spin on this. Imagine it's the last day of your life and you've been in a committed, compatible, loving relationship with the woman of your dreams for the last 30, 40, 50, whatever years. and you've been a part of this journey and experience where you've built this incredible castle with all of its dents and wares and tears and love and magic and unicorns and everything. And it's your last day. And you've got a... Lights are going to go off and you're not going to be on this world anymore.

1:08:57And your partner has a few more years to live. She's going to live a little longer than you. and you get to write three things, a love letter to your partner about the three things you loved about her the most that brought you the most joy, the most incredible life from this relationship that you built together. What would you say or write to her are the three things you loved the most about this woman that she would remember and go on for a few more years afterwards. But that would be specific to a relationship, right? To a specific person. To that relationship, yeah. To that person and the relationship.

1:09:40Imagine the relationship is everything you could ever dream of. You created the relationship of your dreams. It's the golden standard for the world to look at a relationship and say, wow, they lived it. They did it. They loved. They went through it. They were vulnerable. It wasn't perfect. But man, this couple is the golden standard man okay what would you say are the three things so I want you to go there because I believe you're going to create that in the relationship that you want to create so what are the three things you would write a love letter to your wife on your last day about the three things you appreciated the most about the love you created together that you made me feel safe enough to be the best I could possibly be.

1:10:35Your love made me feel so secure, gave me such a platform to go and make an impact in the world on. Don't get me wrong, I think we should have our internal security, but I felt so secure in the relationship that this gave me, this relationship gave me the energy to go out there and do amazing things with that energy. So I made a bigger impact in the world because of the energy that your love gave me. I'm getting chills already. This makes me emotional just thinking about it. I don't see if I have anywhere to go from there. So safety, security. that you made me feel like I wasn't alone in the world.

1:11:30And I don't just mean because we had each other. You can feel very lonely in a relationship, especially if you don't feel seen. But you find someone who sees you, who really gets you. and all of a sudden you don't feel so alone in the world because life is lonely. You can have tons of people around you, but there's a certain existential loneliness that many people feel in life that for moments or times evaporates when you feel a true connection with someone and you see each other. you go wow this is that's that to me is transcendent so you your ability to see me made me feel less alone in the world and i guess you were a role model for me wow that through observing you and seeing the way you live and seeing the way you approach things, that there were so many times where I noticed you were better than me.

1:12:55And that taught me how to be better. It taught me how to – I grew because I saw the way you were. Wow. And that showed me, no matter where I thought I was, being around you showed me how wonderful people can be. And that made me want to be more wonderful. I guess those would be three. That's a beautiful love letter. What's the letter you would write to yourself? You're 200 years old. It's the last day still. And you'd write a letter to your 32-year-old self. 32 now? 31, 32 in a couple of weeks. You write a letter to your 32-year-old self and say, one piece of advice looking back at what you'd say to yourself on how to become the best partner to create that magical relationship one thing i would say looking back up looking at myself saying here's a here's a piece of advice to being here's what you need to do to become that partner with that uh with that other person here's what you need to let go of here's what you need to step into here's where your ego needs to take a check i think how many things do i get give yourself a few let's do let's do a couple i i think i always loved just the idea of you question everything you know don't that thing that you take for granted that you're right about you know question everything because it's i mean it's just amazing to me the things I I look back on now and I no longer disagree I no longer agree with what the 23 year old version of me thought the 25 year old version of me thought and I think understanding that at least we're not very good at thinking about all the ways we might be wrong today but we're really good at knowing the ways we were wrong before right and it's more that's you know if you think of a lot a lot of self-improvement people right gurus leaders whatever you know People want to call themselves, they struggle.

1:15:08They're very good at telling stories of how they fucked up five years ago or ten years ago. But now you're still doing something. You should have seen me then. But not many people are good at talking about today. Yeah. And I think that that's a kind of blind spot most of us have in life, people in general. And I think if we can apply that thing of, oh, yeah, God, I was so wrong about that five years ago. I couldn't be more wrong about that. And I know that now. We should apply that to the next five years too. Yeah. You know, in the next 10 years and say, there's a lot. I'm going to look back on five years from now and say, God, I did not know what I was talking about.

1:15:47That doesn't mean we should not trust ourselves on anything. You know, I've heard it said, you know, strong opinions loosely held. You know, it doesn't mean we shouldn't be passionate about what we think now, but it does mean we should leave room for questioning. And to that end, I think I would tell myself to be kinder to myself over the course of my life for mistakes I'd made within relationships. I have definitely been the person, and even today have to wrestle with, doing something that I know, God, that wasn't the best reaction to that. I wish I'd have handled that differently. I wish I'd have said a different thing.

1:16:33I wish I'd have phrased that differently. I wish I didn't say that. And then really, really beating myself up for it. Yeah. You know, not letting it go. Even after you've finished the argument, even after you get to the other side of it. Holding on to it, yeah. Continuing to berate yourself for it. And the shame about that is that it lacks humanity. It makes us forget that we're human and that we don't get everything right. And the only way we're going to get more right is by making certain mistakes and learning from them. It's true. And it also stops us from being effective because that energy that we're putting into berating ourselves is actually stopping us from doing the very things that would move everything forward from that mistake.

1:17:23It doesn't make relationships better. Mistakes actually make relationships better very often. Because you learn, or hopefully you learn. You learn. Those things, they really can transform. Mistakes can transform relationships. But not if you sit there consistently dwelling on them. They make relationships better if you can improve from them and move on and be the thing you want to be now. so i think i would tell myself to be be kinder to myself for for mistakes to not obsess over things i should have said or done differently you know what to that end we we should halfway through this interview i was kept losing my train of thought and probably you were going to edit that out to be kind to me because like don't beat yourself up over it give people the real yeah matthew hussey's really eloquent oh look at the way he could string a thought together well i lost i lost my train of thought three or four times i don't know what happened i don't know what happened i i couldn't think of the thing i was going to say next i kept kept blanking okay show people that that's that's inspiring yeah oh matthew hussey can be in me live an interview and just go completely blank and not know what the was saying yeah then what am i worried about yeah that's more interesting and that's you know that's a real relationship yeah real relationship that's that's the real stuff that's the stuff we're not seeing when we see other people's relationships and everything things are great and everything no this is like if we want to if we want to change our world forget the world for a moment because it always seems a bit grandiose when we talk about changing the world but changing our world let's bring in the real because that that genuinely changes things you know what makes relationships better true realness vulnerability people living their truth people being more real being more up front more direct you know what makes you more attractive on a date being more real not going there you do people worry about their hair?

1:19:36Is this all right? Tell a real story on the day. That's what's going to, you want to talk about deep attraction, not surface level. Surface level is in 2D on Instagram. Deep attraction, the kind of attraction that gets relationships comes from real stories, real shared experiences. And if you want, and if you do want to change other people's worlds, as you know, because you're so good at it, it's bring people the real. yeah because that's more inspiring than the guy who sits there and does great for an hour and always knows exactly what he's gonna say the perfect person yes it's not as interesting i love this man those are good insights for you hopefully that's helpful for your life reflecting on that yeah you've i mean that was yeah you asked a hell of a question you're great though man you're great at what you do and i have to i know that you you say a lot about you know i hear you talk a lot about gratitude and you ask people questions constantly about that and And I have to share my gratitude for you while we're here to honor you to your audience.

1:20:41Because you have, you know, I've been through difficult things. And I've given you the phone call at difficult times in my life. Where, you know, I'm like, Lewis, I need someone to talk to, man. And you've given me the time, sat down with me and been a voice for me that is sober and out of my own head. and been truly kind and wise, which is a good combination. When someone's not just being kind to you, but they also are saying things that are very, very astute and helpful. And you've been that for me in some really difficult moments. And I remember in those moments thinking, God, I'm so going home and thinking how grateful I am for that friendship and hoping that more people get that for themselves because it's a tremendous thing when you have it so thank you for that I appreciate it it's been a beautiful four years it really had I'm excited for 40 more man let's keep putting paint on the wall I mean we gotta keep building we gotta keep building and I'll say to anyone out there right now who's watching because I want to I'd love to give you a way to kind of continue the journey with me if I'm resonating with you there is a wonderful video I do my retreats twice a year as you know they're a six-day program and i urge anyone to apply for that if you you know can create six days to transform your life it's a game changer please please please apply that's at matthewhusseyretreat.com but i also created an at-home version of this for people who aren't able to come to the live event and you can obviously go and do that program and i would encourage you to do it but what i've done is taken a a training piece from that and i'm giving it away as a gift and that's i literally bring a woman on stage this beautiful gorgeous soul alexandria i bring her on stage and we really transform her perspective and her confidence in a kind of very relatively short space of time and people can see what's possible for themselves in their confidence by watching this video and by watching the process that I take her through.

1:22:50Where can I get that? That's at getmatssecret.com. Matt with two T's. Getmatssecret.com. You know, just go there, put in your email address. You can download, you can be watching it immediately, five minutes from now. But it's very, very powerful. And for anyone who's like, oh no, you know, I wanted more of this, they can, you can go and get more there. Yeah. And subscribe to you on YouTube because I watch your videos and I'm not a girl. So, you know, they're for women, but I'm like, I learned so much as a man. Being in a relationship, when I was single, I would watch them, and I was just learning so much.

1:23:22So it doesn't matter who you are. I look forward to every Sunday to getting your email for the videos. Thank you. So make sure you guys subscribe there. Matthew Hussey on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, and GetMattSecret.com. Final question for you before I ask it. I gotta acknowledge you, man, for constantly being a powerful voice in the world for so many women who are suffering. You know, you mostly work with women, and there's a lot of women, I think, who are just suffering because they don't know how to get out of their own way. And you help them gain the confidence by focusing on their life and taking responsibility for life and giving them strategies and tools to really attract love, committed, compatible love.

1:24:05and I think at the end of the day, we all want that connection and that intimacy and that love and you're providing a safe environment for women to cultivate that within themselves and truly love themselves first so they can attract a partner that they want and equal that they want. So I acknowledge you, man. It's amazing. You've been committed for a decade plus now and you haven't slowed down. Thank you and I want to say, I really appreciate you saying that and I want to say to anyone out there, I mean, I'm on the journey with you. Like, I'm not coming from here. I'm right there with you doing the work for myself.

1:24:43Yeah. My own experiment all the time. You're not perfect? Life's hard. It is, man. Life's hard, and I'm working on it. But I encourage other people to come and work on it with me. There you go. My final question is, what's your definition of a great relationship? I think it's got to be one where one plus one equals three. There you go.

1:25:30with a friend over on social media or text a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcast and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels at Lewis Howes. I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better. And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter. And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

1:26:04And now it's time to go out there and do something great.