Narcissism Experts Reveal How To SPOT, Handle & Heal From Trauma | Lewis Howes

9:06Lewis Howes:Oh, my gosh. In this next section, we are speaking with behavior expert Vanessa Van Edwards. She's going to show the physical science, the body language that tells you exactly who you're dealing with. Can you talk to me the difference between charisma and narcissism? And how can you spot when someone is actually warm and caring and charismatic versus someone who uses the skills or the tools of charisma in their narcissistic approach towards manipulating, controlling, and getting what they want in life?

9:41Dr. George Simon:So this is my biggest fear with this book. This is my single biggest fear. And it was an issue for me when I first started writing it. Is I'm going to be honest. You can use this book for manipulation. Yeah, of course. And that scares me.

9:56Lewis Howes:And when a smart person who's narcissistic is going to study everything and then start using it.

10:00Dr. George Simon:It scares me.

10:01Lewis Howes:So how can you tell the difference? The subtle cues. These are very subtle now.

10:06Dr. George Simon:Very subtle, yeah. So we're talking about big to subtle, right? There's like a range of them. So first is it is my biggest fear with this book that people do not have the right intentions. And my hope is that we can actually use these powers for good and not evil. That is the number one thing is you can if you want to. Here's the good news. There are certain cues that we cannot control. And if you have bad intentions, they will leak. So I call these danger zone cues. So in the book I talk about there's four different types of cues. There's highly warm, nonverbal, verbal, and vocal. So these are things that make you highly warm, highly trustworthy, highly likable.

10:37Dr. George Simon:There's highly competent cues, verbal, nonverbal, and vocal. And then there's charismatic, the ones that are just knocking out of the park. Like they're just great. And the last one is danger zone cues. Danger zone cues are the cues that get us into trouble. They're the cues that liars use. They're the way that we leak guilt and shame. Actually, shame is not a bad thing. It's only when you have guilt that you've done something wrong. So in the danger zone, it is very hard to inhibit those cues. So I teach them because I want people to be able to spot them.

11:05Lewis Howes:Okay. What are those cues?

11:07Dr. George Simon:Okay, so there's a bunch and I'll talk about as many as we can.

11:10Lewis Howes:This might be someone who's very successful, someone who's accomplished a lot potentially, someone that seems very credible, someone that could be in a power position, owning a business or having influence online or something like that, right?

11:24Dr. George Simon:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

11:25Lewis Howes:Extremely successful. They could be successful. They could seem credible, trustworthy, but might be super narcissistic underneath.

11:32Dr. George Simon:Yes, so there's a couple danger zone cues that we can control, which a manipulative person could inhibit, right? So, for example, one that I found that I talk about in the book is Lance Armstrong. So Lance Armstrong, for those who don't know, spoiler alert, Lance Armstrong was doping. So someone was like, there was spoilers in the book. And I was like, you haven't heard of that news yet? I also talk about Britney Spears in the book because there's some really interesting cues on her, which I think why we're worried about her, why her fans worry. She shows a lot of danger zone cues. So Lance Armstrong, in one of his early interviews on Larry King Live, He's asked about doping.

12:06Dr. George Simon:And he does what's called a lip purse. So a lip purse is, okay, when we push our lips into a flat line, we mash our lips together. That is a universal withholding gesture. So when we're literally trying to hold something in or hold something back or we don't like what's being said or heard, we go. And so you'll notice that when someone has been asked something they don't like, when someone had to lie, a lot of the time. So we did a massive experiment in our lab where we asked people to send in videos of themselves lying. Actually, you play it in the book. It's called Lie to Me. So I have you lie to me.

12:38Dr. George Simon:Play this Lie to Me game to diagnose your own tells. It's very important to know your own tells because you should know what your danger zone cues are when you're leaking them. You should know those. It's good to know those in the back of your pocket. Do that with your partner, right? You want them to know what those are too. So one thing that we noticed is on lies. That was one of the biggest indicators. So in Lie to Me game, we ask you to do two things. We ask you to tell us an embarrassing story, your most embarrassing story, and then a fake embarrassing story. And we want to see if we can tell the difference.

13:09Dr. George Simon:If we cut the clips, can we know which one is the fake one?

13:12Lewis Howes:Man, that'd be interesting.

13:13Dr. George Simon:Yes. And it's amazing. You see the same danger zone cues over and over again right before someone's about to lie and tell their fake embarrassing story. They go, okay. And they lip purse right before they're going to do it. And that's because we don't like lying. Our body knows it's going to get us into trouble. So we're like, stop it, stop it, stop it. And we hold ourselves back. You ask a woman, how much do you weigh? She'll go, mm. Like literally close those lips because no woman wants to talk about how much she weighs. So it's a withholding gesture. And so that's the first thing is you want to look for some of the bigger cues, withholding gestures.

13:43Dr. George Simon:Lip purse is one. A sudden distancing behavior. So we also noticed that liars in our lab, they wanted to like get away from the lie, like as if it smelled. So like when they were telling their most embarrassing story, they'd be like leaning in, using gestures. Oh, it was so embarrassing. Remember, embarrassing stories are negative. It's not like it's a positive memory. It's like people are like, and they do a shame touch. The universal shame touch is when people touch their fingers to the side of their forehead.

14:08Lewis Howes:Yes, this happened in a mom.

14:09Dr. George Simon:Oh, gosh, I'm so embarrassed.

14:12Lewis Howes:So they usually tell the truth and they do like this.

14:13Dr. George Simon:Yes, because they're actually embarrassed, right? So these are all good, like congruent, right? We're seeing embarrassment and shame gesture. We're seeing negative nonverbal and people shaking their head. I can't believe that happened, right? Like, oh, they're so upset that happened. We're seeing cringes. We're seeing fear. We're seeing sadness. Congruent, right? Like that's all congruent emotion. On the bad stories, we often see people will lip purse and they try to get away from it. So they'll say a statement and then, you know, and then, and they're literally like as far away. I hope I'm not messing up my audio there.

14:45Dr. George Simon:As far away from the lie as they can possibly get. They're leaning back. They'll sometimes literally lean their head back in the chair. and that's because physically we want to distance ourselves from things we don't like. So we're looking for lip purses, sudden distancing. And there's a lot of cues that we can't control, right? So blink rate is another one. Eye blocking behavior is liars have higher blink rates.

15:06Lewis Howes:They blink more.

15:07Dr. George Simon:Yeah. Actually, in Britney Spears, she had a really interesting interview that I – I actually break this down on my YouTube channel, so you don't even have to read the book if you want to see it, where I break down the cues in this early interview. This is right before the conservatorship started. So very, very full of cues because it's right before it happened. And she gets asked a very difficult question. And all of a sudden, her blink rate goes from a normal rate to a high rate. So she starts to really quickly blink her eyes like this. And that is because when we're really nervous, we literally want to close out stimuli to not see what's happening so we can process what's happening.

15:41Dr. George Simon:So blink rate is something that a lot of manipulative people cannot control. In fact, when I share this, people go, oh, I know a very narcissistic manipulative person who has a very high blink rate.

15:51Lewis Howes:Interesting.

15:52Dr. George Simon:Because they're literally like trying to block out the lie or the manipulation. And so they'll sound really good, but they're like really like processing a lot. And you're like, why are they blinking so much? And it's because they're trying to process.

16:04Lewis Howes:Oh my goodness.

16:05Dr. George Simon:So just knowing those cues are not all bad on their own, but it's important to know what those cues look like so you can spot them. And I do think, I really think, manipulative people will get caught eventually. It is very hard to fake competence. It is very hard to fake warmth. It's hard to keep that up. And so for the long game, yes, you can learn a couple of these cues and try to master your way around them. But for the long game, it's really hard. I mean, look at, you know, Theranos, right? So Elizabeth Holmes. So spoiler alert, Theranos did not go well. I feel like I was up to say that. So one of her interesting cues is, I don't know if you've ever seen her talk, she uses a really deep voice, like fakely deep, like down here.

16:49Dr. George Simon:And people used to say, like, is that real? It's because she read in some cue book, it wasn't mine because my book wasn't out then, thank goodness. She read in some book that having a lower tone of voice makes you more competent. And that is true. Research has found that people who use the lower end of their natural voice tone are seen as competent. That's for both men and women. So you have a very deep voice and it serves you really well. When I'm talking right now, I'm trying to use the lowest end of my natural register.

17:15Dr. John Duffy:When I'm talking to my toddler, I'm much more up here.

17:20Dr. George Simon:You know, hey baby, how are you? But if I were to do my entire interview like this, it would drive you crazy.

17:25Lewis Howes:You wouldn't feel competent.

17:26Dr. George Simon:No. And people would go, I can't. I'm not taking her seriously. So she read that study, obviously.

17:32Lewis Howes:And went an octave lower. There you go.

17:34Dr. George Simon:And went an octave lower. So it wasn't her natural voice tone. And it was like one step lower than her voice tone. So she was always talking like this. And when she did an interview, she would talk like this. And you would hear that this just doesn't sound natural. And part of your spidey sense would be like, why is she talking so low? It sounds really unnatural. And it came out that when she was drunk, her employees noticed that she went back into her natural register. Wow. So there are cues that they will eventually bring.

18:01Lewis Howes:Don't drink alcohol.

18:02Dr. George Simon:That is the point of this story. Don't drink alcohol. Or you're going to get caught. So like you can't keep it up for that long. Right. It is that she was faking that cue, we think.

18:12Lewis Howes:I think you're also just, your body is out of integrity. Like the more you're keeping back something, you're telling a slight lie or whatever. I mean, I felt this from the past because I've been out of integrity in my life at different times, from different stages of childhood to adulthood, right? From little white lies to bigger stuff, hiding from my parents or whatever it is.

18:29Dr. George Simon:They feel bad.

18:30Lewis Howes:So you're like, oh, like something inside of you feels off, right? And then you've got to keep the lie up and you're like, eventually you're going to explode or you're going to have a heart attack or something. It's going to leak. It's going to leak. Leaky cues.

18:43Dr. George Simon:You leak those cues and those are the cues that we're looking for. I want you to be on the lookout for them because when something feels bad, even like something feels bad, even just then when you were saying it felt bad, your voice tone changed.

18:53Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:Right.

18:54Dr. George Simon:Just then.

18:54Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:Yeah.

18:55Dr. George Simon:Because when you think about seeing a toxic person, and I know that people probably have toxic people in their lives, and this is why toxic people are so challenging, because toxic people put us out of integrity. Toxic people force us to use warm cues where we don't feel like it. Now we can do it.

19:13Lewis Howes:What do you mean? We've got to be nice to them or something?

19:15Dr. George Simon:Yeah. So if you have a toxic person, and this is the thorn in, I think, our work is I want everyone to be their best selves. I want them to show up as their warmest, most confident self. But what if you have a toxic person? How do you do that authentically? And this is what's so hard about toxic people. You have a colleague or a coworker or a family member that you don't like, right? And you have to break out the fake warmth cues.

19:37Dr. John Duffy:Oh, hi. How are you? Right?

19:41Dr. George Simon:And so what do we do? We fake smile, right? So, oh, it's so good to see you.

19:46Dr. Craig Malkin:Right? It doesn't look authentic. It doesn't look like it, right?

19:48Dr. George Simon:Or we say, oh, yeah, so how, oh, that sounds good. Congratulations. right now your la roots are coming back to you and right that's why toxic people challenge us is because they come into our lives we know we're supposed to be warm and so we try to force that warm sound and it comes out sort of forced and it makes us feel bad and then we're trying to overcommentate for it and so you know what the antidote here is not learning more fake warmth

20:14Lewis Howes:cues it's it's time to get rid of toxic people i think that's like the side effect but of the book

20:20Dr. George Simon:is like...

20:21Lewis Howes:Don't keep them around.

20:22Dr. George Simon:Don't keep those people around because it will leak. And so set boundaries around them. So what do you mean it will leak?

20:27Lewis Howes:Like your integrity will leak because you're constantly trying to be nice but you're actually out of integrity because you don't want to be.

20:33Dr. George Simon:Right.

20:33Lewis Howes:Is that right?

20:33Dr. George Simon:Right. That's exactly right.

20:34Lewis Howes:So your body is like, I'm doing something that's not authentic to me because I feel like I have to with this person. That's right. And the more frequently you do that, you feel out of integrity with yourself.

20:43Dr. George Simon:Yep. Exactly. With yourself. With yourself. That was a question. You were asking me and I'm like, yes it was. Yes, yes. That was perfect because you were asking a question. I knew, yes, is if you allow toxic people to come into your life, especially without boundaries.

20:56Dr. John Duffy:We have to have some of those people we deal with.

20:58Dr. George Simon:But if you don't have boundaries around them, they come into your life and you have to fake niceness. And that feels really bad.

21:03Lewis Howes:What happens if, let's just say there's a person you don't like. Yeah. Maybe they're not toxic. There's someone you don't like and you don't like being nice to because you feel like, why am I, I just don't, nothing wrong with them. There's not my person. Yeah.

21:14Dr. George Simon:Totally.

21:15Lewis Howes:Let's say you're in a work environment.

21:17Dr. George Simon:Yeah.

21:17Lewis Howes:and you're at a company, you've got 50, 100 employees that you're working with, you're on a team with, and you're just, okay, I'm here. Is it better to be inauthentic and lie and act nice around this person? Friendly, fake, how are you interested? Even though you've been around them for six months or a year and you realize you really don't like them. Or is it better to go right up to the person after six months and say, you know what, I just want to be completely honest and not fake with you because I feel like I've been fake. that I don't connect with you. I don't like you. I think you're out of integrity.

21:49Lewis Howes:I think you're inauthentic. And maybe I'm being judgmental, but I'd rather be honest with you and fake nice to you.

21:55Dr. George Simon:Okay. That's A and B. Can I give a C? Sure. Okay. So I don't believe in fake it till you make it. So I try not to give like fake it. I don't roll that way. Like I just think it's exhausting. I think it's going to leak. The C option here is to not fake warmth, but is to double down on competence. So if you are working with someone that you don't like, the one thing that you do have to do is get stuff done with them, right? You have to master your tasks. You have to be on it. You have to be responsive to emails. So that is something that you can be authentic about because to do your job, you have to be able to get along with them in a very professional setting.

22:30Dr. George Simon:So I would skip all the fake warmth stuff. Don't, don't, yeah. Right. Like stick with where you're authentic, which is like, I don't need to hear about your weekend. I don't need to go to happy arrow with you.

22:40Dr. John Duffy:Right, right.

22:40Dr. George Simon:I don't need a fake sitting with you for coffee. Right. But you know what? We can get stuff done. You know what? We align on goals.

22:46Lewis Howes:So create boundaries around the, hey, let's go have coffee. Actually, no, I'm busy.

22:51Dr. George Simon:I'm so busy today. But you know what? Let's do a brainstorm session tomorrow at the end of the day so we can really kick off. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

22:56Lewis Howes:So get back to the mission on the task on hand, the competence. And maybe you've just got to be like, okay, this is someone where 20 seconds a day, I've got to be around someone that's trying to be fake, la-di-da-di with everyone, and I'm just waiting. I'm going to get stuff done. And then I'll move on to the next thing. That's it.

23:11Dr. George Simon:Exactly. Because then at least you're focusing on where you can be authentic. And also that's, even if that were to come up, you could honestly say that kind of conversation could be, listen, like, you know, I'm not really into like, you know, connecting at work. I'm more about getting it done. I want to get home to my kids and my family. I hope that's okay with you. You know, when we're together, if it's all right, I might skip lunch and just have us like, you know, work it out and be really efficient.

23:34Dr. John Duffy:Yeah, that's good.

23:34Dr. George Simon:I really appreciate how efficient you are because it allows me to get home to my kids faster. Right? Like that's authentic. So what can you appreciate about them that's competent?

23:44Lewis Howes:Yes.

23:44Dr. George Simon:What can you highlight about them that's competent? And that's a weird way to work.

23:47Lewis Howes:What if you don't feel like they're warm or competent? You're like, this person on a team is just, they can't get anything done, they're not smart, and they have fake attitude around me all day.

23:56Dr. George Simon:I mean, this depends on how you feel, but I would say deal with it. Like you've got, like go to your boss.

24:00Lewis Howes:Right. And say, hey, can you put me on a different team? Yeah.

24:03Dr. George Simon:You say like, I don't know how I can work with this person. I don't want to be unauthentic, but I'm telling you that we're not getting stuff done and they're causing issues on the team. I don't like to ignore that stuff. You can hope it gets better but ask for help. If you have someone on your team or someone in your life who is not warm nor competent and doesn't treat you with warmth or competence, either get them out of your life, set a boundary or get help.

24:25Lewis Howes:Don't live with it.

24:26Dr. George Simon:Yeah, don't live with it. Life is too short to feel fakely competent or fake warmth.

24:32Lewis Howes:Right. What's been the, I think I asked you this last time, What's been the charisma strategy? Yeah. If you want to call it a strategy.

24:40Dr. George Simon:You weren't sure about that. You weren't sure about that.

24:42Lewis Howes:I don't know what the word is right, but what is the charisma or social cue that you've learned in the last six months that has brought some new attention to your life where you said, I wasn't aware of that fully, but now the research is showing that when someone does this, it improves this.

24:58Dr. George Simon:There's a new cue that I snuck into the book in the very last draft because I just learned it. And this is actually brought to me by one of my male readers. And I'm so curious. Okay, do you agree with this, Louis? Okay, here's what they said. So in the book, I had a whole section on nodding. So nodding, affirmative nods, upside down, right? Are yes.

25:17Dr. Ramani Durvasula:I nod all the time.

25:18Dr. George Simon:Yeah, yes, you're a nodder. It's really high warmth. We love it. We love nodding. Oh, is it good? Yes, nodding is great. Because vertical nods, and by the way, this is different in certain cultures where they'll nod. They nod sideways. Sideways. That's different. Okay, so just vertical nodding in Western cultures is agreement. it's yes in fact research has found that when you nod at me slowly i speak three to four times longer that's cool that's why you're a good interviewer is because you'll not be like keep

25:41Lewis Howes:going yeah keep going i'm just kind of i'm just like a bobblehead i'm just kind of like yeah like a very slow like i'll pause i'm like okay cool okay well actually you're right slow nodding is tell me more fast nodding is finish up yeah okay okay i got it i got it right right right okay

25:56Dr. George Simon:so that's the difference there if you want someone to wrap up in a meeting give them a one two three triple nod like I got it if you want them to keep going an introvert okay so that's the difference that's number one so I've shared about this I taught it and then a couple of my male readers said to me you know Vanessa we think that there is a secret nonverbal cue between guys no I don't know what this cue is here's what they said okay if you know a guy and you're trying to acknowledge him guy to guy you nod up yeah good to see you it's literally like an open gesture you're open If you don't know a guy, but you're trying to acknowledge his presence, you, hey, good to see you.

26:32Lewis Howes:Oh, wow. That's so true. Is it true? That's so true. Yeah. It's like, oh, good to see you. Yeah. Acknowledged. Good to see you. Yes. Hey, what's up, buddy? Okay. Yeah, it's so true.

26:41Dr. George Simon:Okay. So I snuck it into the book last minute. That's fascinating.

26:44Lewis Howes:I wonder, is that like biology? Is that social? Yes, here's what I think. Social? Okay.

26:49Dr. George Simon:Here's my theory on this. As soon as I heard this, I was like, and I started looking. I started watching men. I asked my husband. I ask my guy friends. And this is why I think it happens. When we know someone, we expose our jugular. So this is a very vulnerable part of our body. And we're saying, I know you. I trust you. Look, I'm opening. I'm acknowledging you. And I feel trustworthy. When you don't know someone, but you want to show respect, you nod down to protect your jugular. I don't know you, but I see you. I got you.

27:13Lewis Howes:I got you. I'm here for you, kind of. You can't see my jugular, but I'm here for you.

27:17Dr. George Simon:I'm going to protect myself, but I'm here for you, bro.

27:20Lewis Howes:Exactly. Exactly.

27:22Dr. George Simon:I think that's where it comes from. That makes sense. Do I know you or do I not know you?

27:27Lewis Howes:So in that sense, this is a high warmth cue.

27:29Dr. George Simon:Hey, buddy, what's up? It's high warmth. You're showing your jugular. This is a high confidence cue. Hello. Good to see you. I look ridiculous because I don't do that.

27:38Lewis Howes:In this third section, we have the legendary psychotherapist Esther Perel, who is going to share the clear patterns that prove your partner might be a narcissist. What's your thoughts on narcissism in general? And can people change or evolve out of it?

27:55Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:I can answer it clinically and culturally. I mean, maybe we should start by talking about, like Christopher Lash talked about, we do live in a narcissistic culture.

28:05Lewis Howes:Selfie culture, the likes.

28:07Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:We live in a culture of narcissism. Once you are continuously evaluating yourself, proving yourself, performing, demonstrating yourself, you know, posting about yourself, engaging in fake news about yourself. You are in a narcissistic culture that, you know, criteria, diagnosis, accompany the culture of the day. In the 19th century, we talked about hysteria. We do not talk much about hysteria today, because we realized that the majority of these hysteric women, supposedly hysteric women, were actually women who had experienced sexual abuse. They were not hysterical. They were traumatized.

28:50Lewis Howes:Yes.

28:52Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:Narcissism is the word that we come back with on the 21st century. Stress and anxiety and depression was the 20th century. So every century and every culture has its expressions through mental illness or mental manifestations. Okay? Eating disorders exist in some cultures and not in others. You know, a diagnosis, a personality disorder, doesn't just exist like that without a background. So that means that it's easy to make these issues very personal, but they are also societal. That said, I have sat with people who have a whole range of narcissistic tendencies to get to saying somebody is a narcissist, somebody is depressed, somebody's, you know, I think that there's more to us than just that.

29:47Dr. Craig Malkin:Right.

29:48Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:But you see a lot of people with narcissistic tendencies, and you see a lot of people who are not just exhibiting it with manifest narcissism, but there's a whole other form of narcissism that is called covert narcissism, which we talk about much less because we don't name it in those ways.

30:05Lewis Howes:What is the difference?

30:07Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:That is a long conversation. That is really a long conversation.

30:10Lewis Howes:In the short form, what is the...

30:12Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:You know, power can come from above and power can come from underneath. You can have power through victimization. You can make people feel guilty all the time. You can be passive aggressive. You can make people continuously feel that they are responsible for your life, that if they don't do what you want, that you may kill yourself. There's loads of ways to make other people submit themselves to you.

30:37Lewis Howes:And that would be considered...

30:39Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:Those are expressions of more covert narcissism. Covert.

30:42Lewis Howes:It's not like this domineering, what they say, psychological.

30:46Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:You can control people from the top and you can control people from underneath. I think that there is a certain profile at this point. When we say narcissist, everybody has five or six associations that are quite similar. And this is really a whole other conversation. But what I will say is that, yes, I have sat with people who have very little regard, people who bring everything on to themselves, people who see everything as a reflection of themselves, people who are charming, charming when they need to seduce you. And then once they think they have you, they turn and they go into the next people who they need to charm.

31:28Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:But those that they have already recruited are disregarded and discarded. it so those got the most out of them already yeah you know people who can lie pathologically to you people who have very little empathy for what is happening so there is a cluster of things but i think for me i tend to look at behaviors and i tend to look at interactions because i'm a relational therapist and i'm a systems oriented therapist and so i less spend my time labeling a personality I think it's useful on occasion but it is not my primary vocabulary but she's very eloquent about it

32:12Lewis Howes:we'll have to have you back on to do a whole two hour conversation on that another time it's a lot to that

32:19Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:I do not want to talk about complex topics

32:22Lewis Howes:in a short amount of time

32:24Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:because it doesn't do them justice and I don't like to reinforce notions that have not been examined.

32:33Lewis Howes:Absolutely.

32:33Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:But that are easy to grab on.

32:35Lewis Howes:We'll have you back on for that. I'll do one final card and then I think I've got to make sure I'm respecting him the time.

32:42Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:But you're going to touch on me. Yep. What is that?

32:45Lewis Howes:Okay. I'm my own worst enemy when... It's interesting. You know what? You want to give me a different one? Yes. Okay.

32:54Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:I want to give you this.

32:55Lewis Howes:Okay.

32:56Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:Because of what happened just a few minutes before.

32:59Lewis Howes:The last time I cried was, I mean, yesterday, you know, in terms of my father just died two months ago. And so I've been crying a lot, you know. Every couple of days I hear a song that really connects me to a memory, to him, and to the whole. It was a sad experience because he happened into a car accident 17 years ago, had a severe brain trauma. was in a coma for three months. Then he woke up. He went in a different country, in New Zealand at the time. I was in college. Then he came back, and it was like my dad was physically here, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually not.

33:40Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:Ambiguous loss.

33:41Lewis Howes:Yes.

33:41Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:This is it.

33:42Lewis Howes:I never was able to fully grieve.

33:44Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:That's ambiguous loss.

33:46Lewis Howes:My father. He was physically here, but the emotion.

33:48Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:You were along with the same person.

33:50Lewis Howes:And every interaction I had with him was reminding me of the loss. was, I'm grateful he's here, and it's great to experience some time with him, but every time I'd go and say hello, he says, Lewis, right?

34:07Dr. George Simon:Didn't you, didn't you used to play,

34:09Dr. Elinor Greenberg:what sport did you play growing up? Where did you go to school again?

34:13Lewis Howes:So he could have a conversation with you and speak conversationally, but it was the same story over and over again. I'm needing to remind my father. 17 years? for 17 years of the memory loss that he had. Show him photos of him with me, taking photos of me, playing sports. The second half of my life with him was beautiful. He showed up, he transformed, he overcame a lot of the anger and resentment he had. And I had two different lives with him. When I was 13 before, I had some love, some scary with him. Then after 13, it was like this incredible friendship. so it's like I lost my dad but he was physically here and every year there was some type of health scare he had a couple strokes, a heart attack he had multiple surgeries from the accident just the complications from the accident and so every year I didn't know if he was going to survive or not and it was always is it going to happen this year he's in the hospital now, is he going to make it do I need to be there in this 17 year cycle of learning to accept something and doing my best to be okay with it.

35:25Lewis Howes:And accepting and loving where it's at. You know, so for me, it was 17 years of, I wouldn't say numbing, but it was acceptance and just like managing it the best I could. And then when he passed in February a couple months ago, it was just full circle, kind of like going back 17 years ago and reliving that and then reliving my whole childhood and allowing myself to have a full range of emotions. And I think it's beautiful because...

35:57Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:Do you feel like this time actually you can fully grieve? I feel like I can. See, this is ambiguous loss, what you just described. Can't grieve, can't mourn because he's there, but he's not there.

36:07Lewis Howes:Yeah.

36:08Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:And this one gives it... Now you can experience the full range.

36:12Lewis Howes:Absolutely. I didn't feel like I could.

36:14Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

36:14Lewis Howes:And I feel like I have a more spiritual connection to him now than in the last 17 years. You know, every night I'm connecting with him in my own way in my little meditation room. And, you know, throughout the days there are things that come up where I feel the spiritual presence. And it's a beautiful, it's sad, it's beautiful, it's emotional, it's a wide range of emotions. And, you know, there's a lot of sadness I have because I wish it wasn't that way. but I also I have some relief and I'm also doing my best to create meaning from the whole thing so that it's not just this thing I'm frustrated with constantly but like you know what I probably wouldn't be doing this without that pain and sadness and loss I wouldn't be a curious hungry I wouldn't have been as resourceful if I had him there so yeah I mean I've been crying a lot I've been crying a lot and And it's been beautiful to have a safe environment in my relationship with someone who allows that.

37:20Lewis Howes:Because I think that's hard for some people to allow that, especially for men to be able to express their full range of emotions. And for their partner to feel safe with that too. So I feel very grateful. Absolutely. It hasn't been fun, but it's also been allowing me to have peace with it.

37:41Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:It's an amazing thing that if you ask people when's the last time you laughed, nobody has to justify laughing.

37:48Lewis Howes:But crying.

37:50Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:But crying, people have to justify it. It's interesting you ask that. I mean, it is the absolute natural emotion to feel in sadness, in grief, in loss. what a man woman they them whoever i had a woman on two days ago who hasn't cried in years

38:09Lewis Howes:and i had a man on yesterday who hasn't cried in i think 10 or 12 years and it's interesting it's like there's something there i think to be able to have the full range of course not saying you need to cry all day long or something but allowing yourselves to feel but um that's probably for a whole other conversation.

38:27Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:I mean, I would say that it's hard for people to really fully say yes if you can't fully say no. And it is hard for people to fully laugh if you can't also cry. If something is funny, you automatically do this. If something is sad, the fact that you stay like that, affectless, or that you repress it, or that you hold it in, or that you don't even notice it, or that the thing is coming down your face and you don't even realize. I've had people tear in my office while they say I never cry.

39:04Lewis Howes:What does that mean when someone isn't able to fully laugh or fully cry?

39:09Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:What would it be like if a person comes into this world and doesn't scream? I mean, if a baby doesn't scream when they come out, you think they're death at birth. What is it like when people make love and make no noise? When it's impossible. I mean, you're a sports person. And you know that if you lift something, you make noises. You scream, you grunt here. You know, the voice is, it's just, what does it mean when this whole thing is closed off?

39:33Lewis Howes:There's something inside that's missing or dead or trapped.

39:37Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:Or trapped.

39:37Lewis Howes:Yeah.

39:38Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:Or was shoved down or can't come out. But for sure, it is a blockage.

39:45Lewis Howes:Next, we have the family therapist expert, Jerry Wise, who shares a different type of dynamic. because sometimes the narcissism isn't in your partner. It's in your history. It's the people who raised you. And he's going to explain how to heal that childhood trauma right now.

40:03Dr. Ramani Durvasula:People will always ask me, am I a narcissist? And I'll go, do you ever feel guilty? Oh, yeah, all the time. Then you're not.

40:15Lewis Howes:You're just dysfunctional.

40:17Dr. Ramani Durvasula:You're just dysfunctional. No, right. A narcissist is not going to feel that guilt. They don't feel, what have they done wrong? They're always right. So that why would I feel guilt about anything or shame? So if you felt that, you're probably less likely to be a narcissist. If you, but a parent can be a narcissistic parent. They don't, they can abuse you. They can criticize you. But they'll never go, oh, that, my bad. They won't apologize. Why would they apologize? You made them do it. You made them do it. Or they did it for your good. So why would I ever need to say, I'm sorry? There's no need to say I'm sorry.

41:06Lewis Howes:What's the worst thing a parent could do then to their kids over and over again that will almost surely make them dysfunctional as an adult? Is it never apologizing to them when, you know, they...

41:19Dr. Ramani Durvasula:That's too symptomatic. That's too superficial. Uh-huh. The thing that's going to make them more dysfunctional as an adult is to not break their own cycle from their own past, bringing that cycle to their current nuclear family and not knowing it.

41:44Lewis Howes:So bringing the generational trauma onward.

41:48Dr. Ramani Durvasula:And the generational programming and the generational emotional Wi-Fi that's been going on and they just bring that right into here, that's going to mess them up more than ever. Now, does abuse and narcissistic meanness, do all those things affect the kid? Of course it does.

42:07Lewis Howes:Screaming and all this stuff, yeah.

42:08Dr. Ramani Durvasula:Exactly. Of course it's going to. But it's not the screaming that's the underlying problem.

42:15Lewis Howes:That's a symptom of something.

42:16Dr. Ramani Durvasula:That's a symptom of how the family has been dysfunctional and toxic. And it can come out in different ways. Narcissism, alcoholism, abuse, workaholism, sex addiction. It can come out in gambling and all kinds of symptomatic ways. But underneath all of that is an enmeshment to a family whose trance has never been broken.

42:44Lewis Howes:Wow. The origin family.

42:46Dr. Ramani Durvasula:The origin family. It's never been broken. And now you're just living it out. Only John's living it out that way. Mary's living it out that way. But that's the underlying important dynamic.

42:59Lewis Howes:And if we don't break the trance of the family, the origin family of ours, if we don't break that trance, then we're just going to relive that pattern in our adult relationships as well.

43:09Dr. Ramani Durvasula:In some way. And it may not even look like the way mom and dad did it. But the pattern's still there. So people will go, well, I'm not like my parents. Oh, hold on just a second. Let me ask you, but what you're doing is the same theme and it has origins in your family of origin. You may have chosen the opposite, but 180 degrees from unhealthy is unhealthy. So people go, oh, well, I'm all the way over here. Oh, now you're just a class B unhealthy rather than a class A unhealthy person. And you feel superior over them because you're over here. You haven't broken the cycle. You're living the pendulum life.

43:55Lewis Howes:Yeah, I'm not screaming at my partner like my parents do. like they did.

43:59Dr. Ramani Durvasula:But I'm controlling. But I'm being controlling and I still may be self-absorbed or judgmental or any number of other kinds of things.

44:08Lewis Howes:Interesting. Here's the real question then. If we start to think about, oh, maybe my parents had some narcissistic tendencies and I'm starting to think about it and I'm starting to evaluate my childhood and realize, oh, I thought this was just normal because it's the only thing I knew.

44:25Dr. Ramani Durvasula:How many families did we grow up in?

44:27Dr. Elinor Greenberg:Yeah, right?

44:28Lewis Howes:And it wasn't as bad as that family, so I got to be grateful for this. Yeah, and we should. And my parents were loving at times, and they gave us, and they were doing the best they could. So I can't think of them as narcissistic, but we start to internalize that. What are the warning signs then that show up in adult children of narcissistic parents?

44:47Dr. Ramani Durvasula:Let's then take a look at that. Mom and dad, or whoever was narcissistic, hypercritical and judgmental. Now, I then grow up and say, I'm not going to be like that, but what am I to myself? Hypercritical and judgmental. So an adult child of a narcissistic family often will have unbounded guilt, shame, criticalness, hypercriticalness, very hard on themselves. So they just take the voice from here and just live it inside themselves. Really? Everything is that way. People go, oh, well, they screamed all the time. So many times I've said, so how many times have you internally screamed at yourself? I don't scream at other people.

45:43Dr. Ramani Durvasula:I didn't say other people. I said, you. Oh, well, yeah, I can be pretty nasty to me. You know, you stupid. And I said, you're just reliving this only in a different way. And so it's all embryonic in the family. So everything that's happening out here, the problem, and that's what I think, that's why I use the term, the problem is, the solution is not near the problem. Also, the problem may not be near the symptom. here I am criticizing myself and cutting myself down internally and hating myself. And narcissists, adult children narcissists can definitely hate themselves because they've been judged and criticized and, you know, emotionally hurt so many different ways, shamed.

46:42Dr. Ramani Durvasula:And so this is what they're doing out here. And they're now doing this as adults to themselves internally and going, well, what's the solution? and many will go, don't look at any of that. Let's just try to be nicer to yourself, which is not bad advice, but it's superficial advice, and it may not hold, and then you'll try it and then give it up, and you'll try it and give it up, versus, wait a minute, let's get mom and dad out of you. Wow. That's what we want to do, And do you recognize that's not you? When you are criticizing yourself that way, you're going to be under the hypnosis and the trance that this is me doing it to me.

47:35Dr. Ramani Durvasula:And I go, let me give you some good news. It's not you doing it to you. It's your family still doing it to you through you. There's a difference. And that's a huge difference. And so as adult children, what should we be thinking about if we felt like we had a dysfunctional childhood?

47:56Lewis Howes:Should we be thinking about how do I get myself to be self-differentiated from my parents and my family? How do I block my family completely? How do I heal the past? Like what should we be thinking about as we come into awareness as adult children of dysfunctional childhoods or narcissistic parents?

48:16Dr. Ramani Durvasula:and I think it's a great question. But your question also has within it a certain paradigm, as all questions do. Every question has the answer in it. Every question that someone asks, the answer is in their question. And so you were asking about, so do I separate myself from my family? Do I, you know, and certainly if someone, if families are abusive and toxic and have no interest in changing, well, then we have to look at some no contact or we may need to go that far. But self-differentiation, what I tend to think when someone has a family that's narcissistic, does the person that I'm working with or talking to or the adult child of the narcissist need greater self-differentiation, which is an emotional state and a maturity state?

49:14Dr. Ramani Durvasula:Or do they need to physically separate?

49:18Lewis Howes:In this next section, we have Annie Sarnblad. She is the master of micro expressions. She'll show you the tiny split-second signs that reveal a narcissist's true intentions. How can you know if someone has narcissistic tendencies if you're going on a date or if you've been in a relationship with them for a long time?

49:40Dr. John Duffy:Because they don't show me any kindness.

49:42Lewis Howes:They don't show kindness.

49:43Dr. John Duffy:They don't care when I get hurt. Regardless of how I get hurt or regardless of how somebody else gets hurt, they don't show that.

49:51Lewis Howes:Really?

49:51Dr. John Duffy:They don't. No.

49:54Lewis Howes:They care more about themselves or they just don't care?

49:56Dr. John Duffy:But I know narcissists that will describe something that they've been through that's painful and their chin will be working overtime.

50:02Lewis Howes:But for someone else, they probably won't have that.

50:06Dr. John Duffy:No, because they don't care. But how are they so good, I guess, at captivating you to love them? One, they tend to overdo, well, the narcissists in my life tend to overdo the eye contact.

50:18Lewis Howes:So they're very present and connected?

50:20Dr. John Duffy:Yes. The gaze is long. And then the other thing is that they've learned almost mathematically which phrases, which behaviors work. So I had somebody in my life, I won't mention who it is, but it's a family member of mine that I just lost it on him. We were living in Hong Kong and he was yelling at a taxi driver. And we got out of the car and the taxi driver had made a wrong turn, you know, even though the person that I was with had said, you know, turn to the right, made a mistake. And he just lost it on this taxi driver and I was really angry afterwards. I said, do you understand that this is somebody who's trying to support his family, working really long hours, like this is, you know, a decent human making an honorable living, working hard, and probably has a lot of people depending on them.

51:17And you don't get to yell at somebody for making a mistake.

51:21Dr. John Duffy:We all make mistake. Next night we were out and this person was trying to pick up girls, puffed out his chest and said, I'm the kind of guy who's nice to taxi drivers.

51:34Lewis Howes:No. Wow. The next day? Jeez.

51:38Dr. John Duffy:I was like, this is the weirdest, most surreal experience. But it was, it really clicked for me, this narcissistic behavior, and I knew that this was a narcissist, this idea of, oh, there's a puzzle piece and a tool that I can use to impress other people. And it was just so artificial and strange, but people find a way to get their needs met. We humans tend to be really good at that. And if something works for us, well, we repeat that. We do more of that.

52:13Lewis Howes:Yeah, we kind of store that in our brain. This worked before us. Let me keep doing this thing

52:17Dr. John Duffy:That whole love bombing and the whole like I will tell you and the narcissists that have ever tried to date me I call them parrots. They they try to figure out What what is your thing? So I had a guy not that long ago I've actually written about it that that was telling me You know, I've been obsessed with micro expressions for years because if you can't really connect with people I mean he'd seen me speak a couple of times and he was just pulling all this stuff and I was lonely and newly divorced and I almost fell for it you know even with my stuff because he was so good at the speaking to your heart into like your things well and he wasn't doing it face to face he was doing it via text and I kept saying well let's just jump on a phone call no no no didn't want to even jump on the phone call because he knows that I can do poor stuff wow no FaceTime yeah FaceTime didn't want to do the FaceTime Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

53:12Lewis Howes:So can you personally tell the difference between someone who is maybe a psychopath, a narcissist, and a genius? Can you tell the difference based on, and are there tendencies of all three, I guess?

53:30Dr. John Duffy:That's a really good question.

53:34Dr. John Duffy:You can be a genius and also be kind, right? You can be a narcissist and a genius for sure. But the genius isn't necessarily overlapping the other ones. There are a couple pieces that I look for. I look for what my kids call crazy eyes. So remember I talked about we pull our upper eyelids way back. You know, we do this, right? So that's a piece of fear. So if I walk into a room and I see somebody maybe standing with a gun behind you or pulling out a knife, my upper eyelids are going to pull way back. That fits. If I'm in a scary situation, something scares me or somebody jumps out or there's a loud noise, I'm going to pull my upper eyelids back.

54:21Dr. John Duffy:And that matches. Like crazy eyes. Yeah. Okay, but that matches. but we don't ever in fear. The only time we will pull up our eyelids back and hold them, rollercoaster haunted house, you know, terror.

54:32Lewis Howes:Loud noise. Right.

54:33Dr. John Duffy:We never hold our upper eyelids pulled way back except when we're nuts.

54:38Lewis Howes:When you're a psychopath. You just like that all the time. Really?

54:45Dr. John Duffy:I'm going to get in so much trouble for this. Elizabeth Holmes.

54:47Lewis Howes:Oh, wow.

54:49Dr. John Duffy:Yeah. See, your face immediately goes like, there's a lot of people in the public eye. the school shooters, if you look at the pictures of them, mugshots, they always pull, they're showing their sclera. And there's something about mental instability and volatility, and I'm not safe, that I don't know what it is. And I've done a lot of research, just my own private research on that. But I almost always find that somebody who's committed a heinous crime and a really violent crime, they're almost always like, I don't know, 20, 30 % of their pictures that you can find up on the blind where they're where they're holding that that's interesting okay so watch the facial expression of fear the full facial expression of fear and it like makes me shiver as a right watch when i take the bottom half of my face and turn it into joy or arousal or cheerfulness that is weird it's super creepy and it like sends all these itchy signals to my brain but it's it's out of context it doesn't match and your whole body your whole nervous system knows that when you see it.

55:55Dr. John Duffy:When I give you the vocabulary to pull this and dissect it, you're going, oh my God, I just talked about this thing and that person showed crazy eyes. Like almost like they were, there's horror and arousal at the same, there should not, that's the Joker's face from Batman. The arousal in the horror. The joy in the horror. That's terrible.

56:13Lewis Howes:The joy in the horror. Right. That's something to watch out for.

56:16Dr. John Duffy:That is something to watch out for.

56:17Lewis Howes:Now are people, you know, I guess they're psychopaths, are they more like that all the time or is that only sometimes?

56:24Dr. John Duffy:She seemed to show it a lot.

56:26Lewis Howes:Right, right.

56:26Dr. John Duffy:And I don't really, it's almost like I'm not all the way to the finish line with that research. Uh-huh. I just know.

56:33Lewis Howes:Something seems inauthentic though.

56:35Dr. John Duffy:Something's inauthentic and you can have somebody who is not a bad person but who is going through a period of severe trauma and mental instability also have that sort of constant deer in the headlight look. So you have to be careful. All of these facial expressions, you have to put them in context.

56:52Lewis Howes:You need context.

56:53Dr. John Duffy:And it's not like you see this in somebody, they're automatically a bad or a dangerous person. But they are more likely, in my experience, to be violent against others or themselves. You sometimes see that facial expression before somebody takes their own.

57:09Dr. Elinor Greenberg:Yeah. Wow.

57:11Dr. John Duffy:So there's something, there's some serious emotional health issue.

57:17Lewis Howes:With a psychopath, essentially. Yeah.

57:20Dr. John Duffy:Yeah. And yeah.

57:20Lewis Howes:And finally, my friend, Dr. John Deloney. This is a big one. He's going to help you look in the mirror. He'll show you how to make sure you don't fall into your own narcissistic tendencies that all of us might have from time to time. There seems to be a trend of narcissism, self-interest, and my feelings and my beliefs are the things that matter most. So you need to change. This system needs to change. everything needs to change to fit my feelings and protect my feelings why do you think that

57:53Dr. Elinor Greenberg:is happening more so we don't know we've clipped the strings esther talks eloquently about this we've clipped all of the the common strings that bind us together with a common story for just for however long you think the earl how however long you think the earth has been around our relationship to our gods told us what we're going to wear what your role is whose job is what job, what our values are, what you do and don't do. There's been tons of oppression. I'm not saying it's all great. I'm just saying that's the way it works. And then we cut all the strings. None of that's real, guys. If it can't be randomized, controlled, double-blind, studied, it's not real.

58:33Dr. Elinor Greenberg:It doesn't exist. And so as beings created to worship, whether you're an atheist or not, as beings created to be in service of something, if there's nothing to be in service of other than the self, then you are the supreme ruler of your world. You're the center of the universe. You're a pharaoh. You will bow before me. And we have a whole generation of people saying, no, you bow before me. No, no, no, you bow before me. Then you get chaos, which is what we have. Instead of saying, what if we all just went to the moon? Can we figure that out? Let's do that. Let's go to the moon. And what if we said, how can I love you today?

59:10Instead of, this is just how I'm wired.

59:13Dr. Elinor Greenberg:I give answers. one of those ways you're going to end up sleeping outside by yourself one of those ways creates warmth in your home right and so what do you want like what do you want this thing to feel like what are you doing right and i often ask this question does that feel good like like great quippy response like great grenade sarcasm you know cynicism good job that feel good yeah did it is that what you're going for today do you feel powerful for a minute like what what are you what are we doing or do you

59:44Lewis Howes:want to be connected and you want to be whole yes you get to pick man connection wholeness peace i i believe comes from service and i believe first comes from service to self in creating wholeness not neglecting self and being empty all the time and just only serving others and and you know deflecting all of your needs to feeling peaceful and whole and healthy but then in that journey giving to others helping others being of service contributing to something greater than self a mission a vision a family a community a goal you know going to the moon whatever it is believing in something and others and giving to them yeah and it's something for me that has really flipped in the last 10 years 10 years ago prior to 10 years ago i was more about how do i look good how do i win how do i succeed how do i you know be right yeah as much as possible and it was very unconscious it wasn't like i was conscious i would it was just your body playing defense and it was survival that's right mechanism right it was like defense i need to win i need to be right i need to make more i need to look good i need to have this image and ego you know shape the way i want it um and i just realized that wasn't a happy life for me maybe maybe some moments that seemed happy but it wasn't really fulfilling until i said it's got to be collaboration over competition and i can still compete in certain ways but it can't be for someone to be less than yeah yeah it needs to be for me to compete to get better yeah and serve better yeah um but collaboration over competition, service over self, that is what's brought me a lot more fulfillment.

1:01:29Lewis Howes:It doesn't mean it's always easy. There's challenges, but it's brought me much more meaning and fulfillment. What do you think is the biggest cause of pain in relationships today? Me over us.

1:01:42Dr. Elinor Greenberg:Really? Yeah. Me over us. How I feel right now or how you made me feel. not my body responded and you did this i need to deal with that or i've got some hard choices to make you did it you did it it's me over us i think um and this this would go back to the question you asked earlier um it was a watershed moment when i heard estelle pearl talk about um the 9-11 towers um analogy she was talking to a couple who had experienced infidelity and she said one of the greatest challenges couples experience is they want to i just want to get back to the way things were and she likened it to you couldn't go on september 12th and sweep up all that dust and glass and steel and rebuild those towers with that stuff they fell wow two choices you can walk away and let nature take it back over and it will or you can hire some experts You can excavate that.

1:02:38Dr. Elinor Greenberg:You can design, build, grieve, come together and build something beautiful, a nod to the past, but something going this way that's hopefully stronger. Right. Those are your two choices. But what you had is over. And so I've taken that into my own home. My wife and I right now, we've never been parents of an eighth grader and a second grader. This is a new marriage. And so we can build something new. it'll have a lot of the features of the old one but this is new because eighth graders stay out later than second graders right right we're used to going to bed at nine o 'clock i ain't doing that anymore because i gotta pick him up right so we have a new marriage and if you keep saying i just want to get back to the way i was i want to get back um you end up dragging each other back and so if we put we said i do then us becomes number one wow and that's a that's not a popular thing but I know I got to exercise I got to eat right I got to get some sleep so that I can show up for us right so it sounds self-serving but it's not I got to do these things I can be whole so I can show up

1:03:41Lewis Howes:for what we're building new on your on your show uh the Dr. John Deloney show you have a lot of call-in aspects as well where people are calling you yeah you're you're coaching they're telling you their challenges you've been doing this for the last few years now um what is the the big reasons for struggle in relationships or causes of divorce that you're seeing lately? I know kind of historically what that is. Is it more financial burden? Is it more, um, is there infidelity or people wanting more to like sneak around? Is it a lack of intimacy? Is it family dynamics of the other families? What is the main cause of friction in relationships or marriages today?

1:04:28Dr. Elinor Greenberg:i think if i'm looking at symptoms it's going to be money and infidelity really some scale of infidelity yeah some version of and people are calling in and telling you about this they're telling the wild stuff yeah um underneath it i think it's a broader picture terry real talks about this beautifully um the world changed and men um just want things to go back to the way they were. And women want men to do new things without a new set of tools.

1:04:58Lewis Howes:I hope this masterclass didn't just give you information. I hope it gave you a sense of clarity and a sense of peace because understanding these narcissistic patterns is a huge first step. But the real goal, it's not just about identifying the toxic people. It's about reclaiming your own power, your own self-trust, your own worth. Healing from the past is the only way to rebuild a great future because you can't run a world-class race if you're still carrying the weight of someone else's expectations. You can't experience true intimacy if you're still living in a state of hypervigilance. And you deserve a life where you feel safe in your own skin, in your own heart and body.

1:05:44Lewis Howes:You deserve the relationships that fuel you, not drain you. Your healing is the greatest gift that you can give yourself and to the world. Your past only has as much power as you give it. So today, we are here to take that power back. Today, you choose a higher standard for your life. And if this was something that supported you today, please comment below what your biggest moment was from all of these great experts. Share it in the comment below and let me know. Go ahead and like this video, share with a friend. And I'd love to know what is the one boundary that you're going to set starting right now in your life to ensure this doesn't happen in the future.

1:06:28Lewis Howes:I read a lot of these comments and they inspire me. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for constantly choosing your own personal growth. And as always, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts.

1:07:03Lewis Howes:Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.