Parenting Psychologist REVEALS Top 3 Parenting MISTAKES & The #1 Strategy To SHIFT THEM NOW | Dr. Becky Kennedy

25:00Okay. And I'm going to, my kid is starting to have a tantrum and even he's saying, do the piece. I can't do it. I'm going to say, sweetie, sweetie, this is, this is so hard. This is so hard. And I know I have real kids. It's not like they are going to say to me, oh, that's so helpful to hear. No, it's not going to happen. They're going to still freaking out. But their reaction is different than the power of my intervention. Also two separate things. I might say this. I might say, oh, so many pieces. I don't know where it goes. Does it go here? Does it go here? Does it go here? And if my kid is like, do it for me, I really, and I've said this to my kid, I said, listen, sweetie, I'm not going to do it for you.

25:36Here's why. I know you're capable of figuring this out. And the best feeling in the world is the feeling you get when you think you can't do something. And then you wait a little bit and you see that you can do a little bit more. And I'm not going to take that feeling away from you. And so I'll take a deep breath with you. We can take a break. But like, I know you can do this. Okay. And when I hear people be like, does that work? Yes. I mean, doesn't that work for adults? Imagine you having a hard time at your job and you're saying to your manager, like you do this one. If they're like, listen, I'm not because I know you're capable.

26:13and like it's okay if it takes some time it's okay if you take a break I can be here to like kind of think about where could that piece go oh is that an edge oh edges in the middle probably not in the puzzle where do oh you're right edges go on the outside look at you my kid experiences the win and what their body learns is when I get frustrated I don't look for the answer for someone to take that away from me and give me immediate success by the way if we really want to get into it if you want to know what entitlement is entitlement is the accumulated experience of feeling frustrated and then having someone else give you immediate success wow that's what it is without you having to do it and i'll never forget seeing the family of 16 year olds who was like horrified their kid had a full-on tantrum at 16 because they weren't flying first class and they were like every parent's nightmare and they're like how do we get an entitled kid the most well-meaning parents but this was a kid every time something didn't go his way and i think money makes this more complicated because you can buy kind of your way out of kids frustration you can so it's almost hard to resist that if that's an option but every time it was like frustration success frustration a new option frustration i figured it out because someone else does something for me well when you finally get the point at 16 if that's your circuit and then you're frustrated because something's surprising it's not really about first class your body actually is like WTF?

27:33Like, I literally was not built to tolerate this. And then it ends up looking awful, but really, it's really vulnerable. Right? Super vulnerable. Super vulnerable. So I want to give you one more example of resilience. There's three lines I think every parent needs to know. And I honestly can almost reframe that saying I think every person in a relationship needs to know. Whether you're in a romantic relationship, a work relationship, it's the same stuff. Because another resilience building moment I can imagine is kind of like what I said to you earlier. Let's say your kid's a little older. Or I'm the only kid who doesn't know how to read chapter books.

28:04Or I'm the only one of my friends who didn't get into honors math. So teenagers. Yeah, I'd say that. I'm the only kid who didn't get into honors math. Or I tried out for the lacrosse team. All my kids, my friends made it. And I didn't make it. Yeah. Everyone, me included. Okay, my first instinct is to, quote, make my kid feel better. Oh, you're going to make it next year. Or you made varsity soccer and none of them made soccer. Right? Whatever the thing is. Or we say, you're going to see it's not a big deal. Okay, so here's the image. I'm big on images. Now this is going to matter in 20 years or whatever year.

28:34We say, right? The truth is we kind of say it because we're uncomfortable. And we're just kind of making a kid a pawn in our game. But like if you picture your kid on a bench and if you picture like them kind of in a garden, that's what I like to say. That's like the parable for life, the garden. And there's a bench. And essentially when your kid says, I'm the only one who didn't make the lacrosse team. Let's say they're sitting on the bench of, what is it? Disappointment or maybe it's embarrassment or both. or feeling surprised and let down. I don't know. It's something like that. That's the bench.

29:03And as parents, we tend to have two instincts. When our kid is on the bench, kind of some type of distress, we either want to tell them that their bench isn't their bench. That's not a big deal. Even though they're like, but I'm... But that's how I feel. But I'm on it. Yeah. Like, I'm... Or we kind of see a sunnier bench and we're like, just come with me. Right? But like you're the best at, you know, at soccer. And so we're like, right. And both of those reduce resilience. Because resilience is kind of like your ability in that garden of life to like whatever bench you find yourself on, you're able to sit in it.

29:41Not drown in it, but sit in it. Like because when you're there, you inevitably will be like you're not terrified. You're not spending all your energy like running away from a bench. Like if you saw that, you'd be like, dude, like what? Just a bench, you know. And so how do we help our kid feel like essentially like it's okay to be them no matter what bench they're on? Or it's really it's okay to be you even when you don't make the law cost you. Because that's really the essence. That's the core thing that resilience is about. So how long should they sit on that bench of emotion? Great. So to me these three lines will play that out.

30:12So to me as soon as your kid says something distressing to you. We have those two urges. We have to recognize them. We're not bad people. Just I always say say hi to them. Hello urge to make it better. and here to me is the first line every parent needs in their toolbox. I'm so glad you're talking to me about this. To the child. Say that to the child right away. When they're stressed out, when they're angry, upset, shameful, any unsettling emotion that you don't enjoy yourself, say back to them, I'm so glad you're telling me this right now. That's right. I'm so glad we're talking about this. And again, if we think about it in an adult context, if I was like, I'm so mad at my husband, he never, whatever it is, he never is home for bedtime.

30:48And he forgot the one thing I said. And if I was like, hey, like, you're never doing anything around the house. And I am really frustrated. If he said to me, you know what, Becky, well, you're upset. But like, I'm so glad you're telling me about this. Like, you know relationships, I'd be like, I think we're good now. Like, I don't even know what was I upset about. Because what someone's really saying to you when they say that is this feeling in you that you're feeling is real. and I still want to be in a relationship with you when you're feeling that way. Yeah, I still love and accept you. That's right.

31:23And so our kids need to absorb from us, from a resilience perspective, my parent can tolerate this part of me before I learn to tolerate this part of me. Wow. So that's line one. Line two, I believe you. I always say like if there's one line that would be probably the most healing in people's childhoods. Wow. And the most confidence building from childhood, it's that. And it's so simple. Like, because when you say to someone. What if you really don't believe them though? Well, there's always something you should believe. Right? Because like they're like, I didn't make the lacrosse team. And like I'm never going to be able to go to school again or something.

32:05It's so embarrassing. Right? I'm not saying I guess you can never go to school again. That's not what I'm believing. I believe that's how you feel That's right. You don't have to say that because underneath our kids extreme verbalizations We get very caught up in their words. Yes, they represent a world We believe the world And so even though like I'm never going to school again. I would say like I believe it feels that bad and because I do Yeah, it does. I mean it's like it just it is like he's on that bench Like, right? Especially if someone at that age who doesn't have the skills of emotional resilience or they're building it still and they haven't figured out how to manage those emotions, it seems horrifying.

32:45That's right. It seems terrifying. That's right. And if my kid says, I'm the only one who didn't get a chapter book, you know, I got this picture book and everyone else is reading chapter books, it's so easy to say, you can't be the only one. We actually say to our kids all the time, which terrifies me, I don't believe you. And if we wonder why people don't trust their emotions, it's because when they felt emotions that were strong they received not one time over and over a message of I know your feelings better than you know your feelings or just suck it up or it's not that big a deal or just kind of undermining their emotions that's right and so when I think about I believe you I do like I have a daughter I have three kids I have a daughter and like I don't know how I always picture like she's at some like college party and some like kind of uncomfortable situation let's just say how old is she now how old she now she's nine but let's just say she's in the future she's 20 and someone's like I don't know come back with me unless she wants to great but let's say she doesn't yeah you know in those situations be like it's not a big deal you know do I want her self-talk to be I do have a history of other people knowing what I'm feeling better than I know what I'm feeling or do I want her to be like like I know I don't want to home, I like, I'm going to cry.

34:00Like I believe myself and I, this person is telling me I want something else, but like, how could this person know? Because I know what I'm feeling and those things are completely related. And so that's the second line. And then the third line is equally simple. It was just tell me more, tell me more. Oh, and then, Oh, so they posted the list on the pinboard. Wait. So everyone was there. Oh my goodness. Everyone was there. And let's say, I knew my son had a crush on someone. That person was there too. And you were like so excited. You were going to like be on the lacrosse team. And that person saw that you failed.

34:37Exactly. So I'm just like fleshing out the story. And now at all these moments that my kid was in pain, which by the way, part of the pain was probably that they were alone. I'm kind of infusing myself in every moment. I'm adding connection. I'm adding believing. And here's the thing about the bench. In my experience, when you kind of go through this, your kid gets off the bench before you do every time. Really? And then you're like, go. I guess where are they going next? And when they need you, put them back. Yeah. Or you find them in that next bench. Interesting. So they'll get off this bench faster of emotions if you go through one or all three of these questions or these phrases, right?

35:12They really do. And look, we can't just like say them. Like if I'm sitting in my kid, I'm like, I believe you. Tell me more. Like they're going to be like, what are you doing? Did you hear that on some podcast? You know? So that won't help, right? We process intention and tone before language. So that has to be there. And like, I don't want to say it's some magic. And to me, when do kids get off it? Like, I don't know. We all feel feelings for whatever amount of time, you know? But if like, I get it. Like parents are sometimes worried, like, am I going to stick them there? Like feelings don't give us problems as much as feeling alone in our feelings give us problems.

35:45Feeling alone in our feelings give us problems. That's what makes us stuck. Interesting. We're literally stuck because we're alone. Like humans are, we're beings of connection and attachment. Attachment is what's driving us. So we're always attachment seeking. And when we're not getting the attachment we need, we will get stuck and frozen, like you were kind of referring to. You're frozen. And so it's interesting. We have such a fear of if I connect, I'll keep them there longer. It's actually aloneness that keeps them when they're longer and actually makes them intensify things. Because when we don't get our emotions taken seriously by someone, everyone, forget being a kid, adult too, you escalate the expression because you're that much more desperate to be taken seriously.

36:23Which usually makes people be like, I can't. You're so dramatic. Okay, you know, now they have to escalate. Even more. Yeah, exactly. Until you pay attention to me. Exactly, which is why the I believe you. And it can be healing too and repair. Like, hey, you know, like you're still stuck on this lacrosse thing. Because I get it from a parent. Like, they didn't make lacrosse four months ago. They're still talking about it. Right. But if you just assume, and it's not right, but it might be effective, right? Like there's a million ways to interpret things, I always say. Like, you can be right or you can be effective.

36:50Like, I urge the effective, you know? So just say, like, you know what? I don't feel like I ever fully understand how awful that day was. I'm just going to sit in your bed. And the idea of sitting on a bench, I think that's usual. It's like sit on the bed with your teen or, you know, and I'm just going to listen. And I would say to your kid, not listen to judge or give you an idea. Because actually that's not listening. Listen to understand. And that just means I want to hear you. I may not ask things to clarify. But what I've never said to you and I should have said is, I believe you that that day felt as bad as you said it did.

37:22and like not like normal bad not like i went to my favorite ice cream store and got an ice cream and it dropped off my cone not like a billion times worse than that and i just how parents i feel like a parent's be like my kid really like i get started crying or my kid like something released and they soften like i mean you know this like at our core we are desperate to be believed that's like our most core needs it's true just believed and seen and like so so many of these times when a parent feels like my kid is stuck in that the thing that we need to shift is actually taking the opposite approach we're just like you don't need to feel like that anymore that was four months it's actually sticking them more it's just like staying in the emotion more say let's talk about it more tell me more about this yeah just tell me more i must not have understood something and then of course it's helpful to have language look this was super super helpful like kind of i wouldn't say this to my kid but we're gonna time box this you know like things that you know and you know about it for what 30 minutes sure i always like talk about when i used to work with adults like who are really kind of looping in their anxiety like we're never worry window for like the top of an hour for 10 minutes you're gonna literally just focus on everything you're worried about and like if you ever have a productive hopeful thought you're actually not you're gonna say sorry no worry time no no i'm only negative only right now i'm gonna write it all down and then during the other 50 minutes you're gonna say high worries And don't worry, like, it's kind of like when you have multiple kids.

38:46Like, you don't even want my attention now. You don't have my full attention. Like, you're going to get my full attention at 2 or 15 minutes away. And our feelings actually, they kind of do respect that. And I think kids would too. So I want to talk to you about lacrosse. And I want to be honest. I want to talk about it. I haven't been the best listener. I really haven't. I'm going to do that differently. You're going to see. I'm not going to be perfect, but you'll see a difference. At 110, that's what I'm going to call it. Not because you're not allowed to have feelings after that, but feelings are tricky.

39:12Like it's super helpful to know them and it's helpful for feelings to know they even have a boundary. And so at that point, you know, like we're going to do something else or at least I'm going to do something else. Yeah, we can do that. Now, everything you say here makes a lot of sense to me. And I fully believe and understand that this is a great approach to building relationship with anyone, right? A partner, a child, anyone. But I think about, you know, our grandparents' generation or great-grandparents' generation that didn't have the conveniences, the ease, the speed of things that we do, the flexibility, the just pay for something and you have a solution done in seconds, the distractions.

39:57and I could see them saying, you know, what are you guys talking about? This is, what do you mean? Have all these loving conversations and really sit down for 30 minutes and let them talk about nonsense or whatever. You know, I could just think about our grandparents' generation, some of them, thinking, what does this even mean? Because we don't have that luxury to do that. We've got to work hard. You know, there's wars happening. We've got other stuff we're dealing with than trying to deal with a simple little emotion. I'm all for not being that way. I'm all for having loving, vulnerable conversations.

40:36But again, what I'm hearing you say is learning how to prepare individuals to be resilient is going to be one of the greatest skills that they can learn. but it seems like it's really tough these days to build resilient children into young adults and adults with all the ease flexibility and distractions we have i mean i think you're absolutely right it is really hard i think it doubles down on the reason why parents like okay where's my school where's my resources because like this is a hard world so there's a couple things i say like if someone ever said to me like becky this does not make sense like this is like it's like oh you're talking about lacrosse feelings forever like i really mean this like if they were in the room saying that to me, zero percent of me would even want to be like, here's my argument back.

41:19I really like I'm a deeply curious person. Like I really am. I'd be like, oh, like, well, well, and what would that lead to? Like, what would you be worried would happen? Like, what would we be missing there? Oh, that's a good point. Or, oh, I see it this way. Like I would actually I there's nothing I love more than engaging in people who have very different opinions for me, not because I see it as a match. Like I actually learn a ton. So I have deep respect for people who don't think that way and would say that's the way the conversation would go. So one thing I'll say, though, is we have this idea and it's been passed on to us generation after generation that like feelings are soft.

41:49It's just like bananas to me. Like no part of me, like when I think about my style, my approach, like the word softer. People actually say to me often because there's a whole field of gentle parenting. Like tell me about gentle parenting. I don't even know exactly how you define gentle parenting. Gentle is like one of the lowest on the list of adjectives I'd use to describe myself. That doesn't mean mean. There's a lot between. But gentle, soft, like, that is so not me, right? That's just not my style. It's not my approach. What is your style of parenting? I call, I mean, if I had to put a name to it, and I hate boxing myself in, but it would be like the word sturdy, is it?

42:23And to me, sturdiness is your ability to both be connected to someone else and stay connected to yourself at the same time. And the irony, and this is what I think is so interesting, we feel before we think. Our feelings are what give us basic information about survival, about danger, and about what we need. That's what our feeling is. Like anger is a feeling. Most of us haven't learned to manage it. That's a different topic. But anger is a feeling that tells you what you need. That's useful information to live a life in line with your values. Like feelings being soft. Like I feel like someone said that thousands of years ago.

43:06And for some reason, like it doesn't like, it just doesn't make any sense to me. It's the first thing? What first thing in a circuit is soft? It's primary. It's literally primary. Now, most of us were not raised to manage our emotions, but the way I see it from the start is kids are born with all of the emotions and none of the skills to manage emotions. Wow. And for generations, we've said the emotions are the problem. The lack of skills are the problem. Right. Because the emotions, they're going to beat us every day. They're inside of us. You can't get rid of them. If you can't beat them, join them.

43:42Like, that's soft. It's like something we've justified to ourselves so we don't feel weak. Well, the funny thing is parents, they don't like the emotions of the child, but they can't manage their own emotions a lot of times. Well, that's actually what it is. Like, when we say, let's say my kid is melting down because classic, let's say, toddler, I cut their grilled cheese in half. Yeah. You know, where I cut it in a triangle instead of the rectangles. Or you didn't cut the edges off for you. Crust, exactly. That's easier. At least I can now do that. Or I did cut the crust off, and I'm trying to like tape it back together or something, you know?

44:12Right, so my kid's having a tantrum. And we say to ourselves, and it sounds convincing, my kid is so difficult. We're not reacting to our kid's tantrum. We are reacting to what happens inside of us when our kid is a tantrum. And the only reason we want to shut down the tantrum is because we want to shut down this feeling we don't have the skill to manage. Oh. And so again, like - That we're inferior. Yeah, like we actually like, we're like, you have to stop because our body actually is like, I don't know how to tolerate the feeling in me. In me, which kind of why it all goes back to our, not our fault, but our skill building.

44:49And our ability to heal. Our ability to heal. And kind of this reframing, like, I would love someone to come out and someone like more, you know, stereotypically masculine to be like, maybe emotions aren't soft. Maybe they're pretty, pretty tough, those things. You know, like, maybe that's, like, our core. It is our core, you know? Like, and the other thing about being soft, and I just, I always have to say this, like, I think about the situation where we, like, dole out random punishments to our kids. Like, my kid is having this tantrum, and I'm like, go to your room, or no iPad for the week, or no dessert.

45:23Like, that is, that is freaking soft to me. Really? Like, that is desperate. No parent is doing that from a place of groundedness. Like, I'm the CEO of my company. Like, if one of my employees was, like, acting out in some way and I was like, go to your room and no lunch for a week. Do you think everyone around me would be like, Becky is kicking ass. Like, what an amazing. They'd be like, wow. She's breaking down in front of us. She's breaking down. She's not a good leader. Yeah. Literally. She's desperate. Wow. Is that what they said to you last week? No, but, like, when people ask me about that, it's like, guess what I lead with?

45:59The same principles. Like my job as a leader in that situation is I might have to set a boundary, which is something we could talk about because I love talking about boundaries. And I think most people get them wrong. And I might have to connect with that employee after. Maybe the employee is always interrupting me or something. But like sending someone away or like taking away something random, like it's just I don't know why that's a sign of like awesome leadership. It's a sign of desperation. And in that way, I think that way of parenting is super soft. So what's the best way to, I don't know if you want to call it, punish your children, but what is the best way to create a lesson within them through either punishment or something else?

46:40Right. And I want to ask your first question because it's what I get. So my kid did this thing, what's a good punishment? Or how do I give a good punishment? Or I don't do punishments, but I do do consequences, whatever they say, right? Right, right, right. Boundaries, whatever. That's right. And to me, this actually gets to the core of why I started writing, right? because I was trained in a very different way of working with parents. It was all punishments, timeouts, rewards, sticker charts, ignoring, praise. It's kind of like praise the good to get more of the good, punish or ignore the bad to get less of the bad.

47:10And when I went through this very esteemed program, to me, that was my first reaction. I was like, this is amazing. The program taught you these strategies. Yes. This is probably still the gold standard out there to teach psychologists for how to work with parents who work with kids. It's 100%. And what happens is it lights up the left part of your brain because it's so linear and it's so seemingly logical. I don't think it's logical when you break it down, but you're like, that's right. Like, I'm going to get more of the good behavior. I'm going to get less of the bad behavior. And so it all kind of, like, made sense at the time.

47:47but then I think what happened in my private practice is like I would be I would I was like teaching parents that these ways you know they'd come to me my kid is you know doing something that would deserve a punishment I say okay I'm going to teach you I'm going to give a time out here's exactly what you do and there's a protocol and here's the sticker chart program you're going to put them on and when they do this I want you to give them praise in this way and when they do this I just want you to kind of ignore them like they're not there like it's this whole like behave it's like raising kids through behavioral control like people don't say that but it's kind of what it is but I taught this and while I was teaching it I started having my own kids it sounds like it's kind of like training animals except it's what's really interesting is I started to I said that a couple times and actually some of the more modern people who do animal training are like please don't say that we actually don't I mean like we don't train dogs that way anymore and I was like wow we we've elevated dogs dogs are beyond that now yeah yes isn't that crazy that's beneath our dogs.

48:43Yeah, because our kids are our most least respected citizens. We don't realize that they actually have the same needs as us. I guess dogs do too. So I was in session one day, and honestly, for probably the last six months, the way I would say it is I was saying this, and my brain was like, yes, timeouts, yes, makes so much sense. I'm helping these people. And it's so clear. It's just so clear. And when kids do something bad, I'm just going to say it. it feels, it does feel good to give a punishment or a timeout because you're like, I just did something and you kind of get to like vomit your frustration onto them.

49:17Like that's all it really is. You're like, now I don't have to feel bad. I'm just going to put it on you. So I get it. And I was teaching it. And this feeling, I just couldn't describe it. It's like my body was just like rising. Like it was first like, I don't know about this. And I was like, okay. And like, Becky, I really don't know about this. And I was like, well, what else is there? And I remember having I was like I don't know I don't know what else is there so I kept having these sessions and then one day these parents came and I was teaching them how to do the other time out and like it truly was one of those I would say out of body but it was a massively in body experience that like that feeling got so loud in me that's the only way I can describe what actually happened that I couldn't finish the teaching and I just said to them this is going to sound really weird but I I don't believe what I'm telling you.

50:03Literally. And I'll never forget their look. And they were just like, seriously, like, you came very highly recommended. Yeah, we paid you a lot of money for this session. Paid you a lot of money. And I was like, I will give you back your money. And they're like, yes, you will. And I was like, of course. And I was like, come back in like a couple weeks. I just have to figure something out. And they were like, we will not be coming back. I was like, and I do not blame you. Like, this was a very weird experience. I'm sorry. It's actually funny. Like with everything I've done now, I keep being like, I think they're going to reach out to me one day.

50:31They never have. Not yet. I don't know. I'll let you know. But it just was like, I didn't feel right. And there's all of this evidence for it. I'm a believer in evidence. And I love science. Yes. But it's always interesting. Like it works. Like works. What does work mean? And I think this gets to the core of your question. Like does work mean my kid has an intense reaction? does work mean that if I happen to have a people-pleasing kid who's very attentive to my gaze and hates to disappoint me, that they'll change their behavior for that reason. By the way, they will have a whole host of other problems by the time they're adults.

51:06Really? I mean. What would those problems be for kids like that who just want to please their parents constantly? That's the form of an attachment they formed. And so they end up going to adulthood, not only being with, but actually seeking out and being attracted to people who are like, tell me I'm good. Tell me I'm good for you. And what I want, what's going on for me doesn't matter. My safety comes from making sure you are pleased with me. I don't have to tell you the type of relationships. And it's not so like, and that's what's gonna happen, never too late, but that's not something. I think every, I'm going to say, especially like mom I know and woman I know is trying to like undo a lot of that.

51:50So, you know, and I'll never forget a clinical supervisor saying like, you know what else would work for kids? Because I remember he earlier than me was skeptical about all these like timeouts. He's like, every time my kid does something bad, I made them sleep on the New York City street. Like, but I don't know if I had evidence to show that that worked, if that's evidence to brag about. I'll never forget. I'm like, that's a good point. Like, what do we mean? Why do we have to like be a little more critical, right? of, and I just remember in this session being like, I know there's evidence and I don't discount all of it.

52:16And it's not like all so bad. I'm not a rigid thinker, but it sounds so cheesy, but like, what about the evidence in my body that this is wrong? I don't know. I don't want to say it's superior evidence. It's not, but like, what, what about that? And what about the evidence I have for my private practice with adults where I watch them change their lives based on an approach I use with them? that is a 180 degree difference from what I've been telling parents to do with their kids. Like, what about that? And like, and then what ended up happening is I was like, I'm going to take this very like first principles approach to parenting, like where you strip back every assumption, anything that could be assumption.

52:52You're like, no, no. And what are you left with? And I was left with one thing, one. Because there's all these assumptions. If you don't punish a behavior, it's like you're saying it's okay. It's going to continue, yeah, yeah. Exactly. When kids do bad things, you have to punish. And I was like, I think that's an assumption. Like, that's an assumption. Again, because, like, if I wasn't my nicest to my husband, and he's like, I have to punish you. I'd be like, I don't think anyone would be like, that is. I'm not going to speak to you for a week. Yeah, I don't think I'm going to be like, you have a wonderful husband.

53:17Like, no one would say that. They'd be concerned for me. And so I was left with one thing, and it was just like, kids are good inside. And there is a difference between good inside identity and bad behavior. And I've always been very attracted to gaps that don't make sense because it's where you can, like, think and wonder. And I just started asking questions. Why would good kids do bad things? Why would good people, why do good people do bad things? And then I came up with this phrase like, well, what would be my most generous interpretation? And to me, this is like a massive skill an adult would do.

53:47Like, what is my most generous interpretation of why my employee is coming in late? What is my most generous interpretation of why my kid is jumping on the couch, even though I looked at them? And I said, please stop jumping on the couch. And they looked at me and they smiled. And then they jumped on the couch. Like, I know my least generous interpretation because we come up with that fast. We're all like, well, my kid's a sociopath. And it's like so fast. And every parent's like, I think that all the time. Because we go there. And then we, of course, interact with our kid based on that interpretation, which, of course, you then send your kid to their room.

54:17So what is my most generous interpretation? Everyone came back to the same thing. I have a good kid who doesn't have the skills. They don't have the skills. They're struggling. I have a kid who's having a hard time, not giving me a hard time. And the pathway you take from having a hard time versus giving me a hard time could not be more different. And you ask different questions. When parents say to me, what's the punishment? It's like, to me, a question is like a road you're asking someone to walk down with you in life. That's how I think about questions. And for me, when parents ask me that question, I'm like, that's not a road I'm going to walk down.

54:52It's not going to lead us to a productive place. There's a different road I can walk down with you. whether it's like, I wonder why we think punishment, you know, is the right thing. But even more practically, let's say it's the jumping on the couch, like, well, what's the most generous interpretation here? And I'm not a softie. Again, I'm very practical. I want change for kids' behavior. Like I've like very, like, I have like a little window that I can be tolerant. I get it. Like, and I'm all for these wins that last. But then I would just ask a different question, not what punishment, but what skill literally would my kid need so that the next time this happens, they actually have a new skill to use as opposed to being punished for not having had that skill.

55:37Same thing with a football player. Like your quarterback is like, I don't know, constantly throwing interceptions. Like, I guess you could punish the quarterback. Or teach them new skills. But, like, why then would the quarterback do anything differently the next time they were under that condition? Like, why? It doesn't even make – that's where the logic breaks down. Or I can, in practice, be like every time – I don't know, whatever it is. This happens. We've noticed your pattern. And so, actually, in practice, we're going to practice that. We're going to pause you. And we're going to have you notice what you're about to do.

56:06And I'm going to teach you something else. You just triggered something in me. It's like when I would get screamed at by the coaches that I felt like were less effective when I would drop the ball. If they were like, why did you do that? Catch the ball. It's like, you think I'm trying to drop the ball. I'm not trying to drop the ball. But now I'm going to go out there the next time and don't drop the ball this time. It's like, now I'm anxious. Now I'm nervous. Now everyone's watching. Now there's higher stakes. There's pressure. And I'm going to try to do my best. And if I drop it again, it's just like, now I'm a failure.

56:36It's not empowering me to be better. It's not teaching me a skill. It's not saying, okay, the goal is for you to catch the ball. let's talk about what might have happened for you what were you thinking what were you feeling do you need more whatever your skills you need so i like this approach to that's right addressing the skill or the lesson or something to be taught as opposed to blaming shaming or punishing yeah and again like to me like it's just zero percent soft it's just like how people change like and to me the phrase same it's also called leadership it's leadership and i think same team is a helpful phrase to get in that mindset.

57:13Like, like, I feel like if a coach said to you, like, Lewis, we're on the same team. And Lewis, like, I know, you know, you're supposed to catch the ball. You do not need me to tell you that. Like, we don't say like our kids know that they shouldn't be hitting. Like they know. So, but if you think about that, that can anger parents. They know better. And frankly, I know better than to scroll my phone before bed. Sure, sure. Still do it. Right. So you approach them like, Hey, Lewis, we're on the same team. And I know, you know, this, I mean, this is like a helpful phrase even to think there's something that's getting in your way this game i don't really know what it is but i do know we're gonna break it down together and figure it out how are you gonna feel like i feel a lot better oh he's on my side or she's on my side they see what i'm up to you know they're with me in the pain whatever it might be that's right and i don't think you think i think my coach thinks it's fine if i drop the next ball like no one thinks that you're just like now you have an opportunity to change so if we get this jumping on the couch example because i think it's like a yeah it's a good one it's a good one and it actually brings us to boundaries which is like one of my favorite life topics okay because as much as I like feelings, I like boundaries.

58:13Because this is where we've gone a little too far, some people. People are like, okay, I'm not punishing my kid. Their feelings matter. But then it's like kids' feelings drive decision-making. They drive decisions for parents and the whole family, right? Equally as bad for kids as sending them to their room. So validating feelings is an incomplete parenting strategy. I will go on the record and say that. Say it again. Validating feelings is an incomplete parenting strategy. Right, it's part of the strategy. Yes, but it cannot be the whole thing. And also to pause there, because I want to hear the final there, but when parents allow the children to dictate how the family is run, what happens then?

58:54Terrifying for kids. So, like, to me, this is how I describe it, okay? So imagine you're on a plane, and you're a passenger, okay? Are you actually a pilot? I'm not a pilot. Are you probably trained to be a pilot? I'm not a pilot. Can you surprise me? Well, then I'm like, I'm going to have to pick a different metaphor. Okay, so you're a passenger, and I'm the pilot, and it's very turbulent. and you're looking around like all the passengers are like freaking out, right? So pilot one would be like classic punishment parent, and they'd get on, it's not called a loudspeaker. The intercom? The intercom, thank you.

59:22And they'd say, like, everyone back there, stop. You're so dramatic. You're making a big deal of nothing, and you're ruining my flight. Something like that, right? That's what we say to our kids. Like, you're ruining my dinner out, whatever we say. Meanwhile, if I'm thinking about you, a passenger, you're like, first of all, like, does this person know it's pretty turbulent? Like, they didn't even mention that, because it is. Second, like, all it takes is passengers being upset to kind of make my pilot, like, go off the deep end. Mm, that's scary. You're more scared. Okay. But pilot two is the opposite extreme.

59:55Everyone back there is scared, and you know what? It is scary, and I'm just going to open the cockpit door. If anyone wants to come in here and take over, be my guest. Terrifying. Terrifying. Where we're like, your feelings were just contagious. And that's what happens, right? Where someone's like, I don't want to, I don't, I want to watch one more show, I want to watch one more show. Now, if as a parent you think, you know what, I don't care about having them watch another show. I thought about it. I am changing my decision because I made that shift. Kids can smell, and they know whether it's that, or if it's something like, oh, OK, I guess you can go to bed late because tomorrow we'll go to...

1:00:40Oh, okay, fine. And a kid feels like you open the cockpit door. You influence them, yeah, yeah. And now they can make big decisions. That is actually terrifying for a kid because they feel like they don't have a leader. They don't have a pilot. Kids love boundaries, don't they? They love boundaries. It would be like if your pilot was like, we have to make an emergency landing, and everyone's like, no, I don't want to land in Denver. And the pilot's like, okay, forget it. We'll just crash. Exactly. You're like, just, right? So the third pilot to me is the essence of sturdy leadership, which to me are those pillars, validating other people's feelings and staying connected to your own role through your boundaries.

1:01:16And to me, the pilot you want to hear there is, I hear that everyone's freaking out. You're right. I hear you. It's very turbulent. Stay calm. And even if it's a pilot you don't think it's that turbulent, you can still say, I recognize it's turbulent. Everyone's upset. You know, you guys do your thing. If you need to scream, it's fine. I'm about to get off and go do my job. I've done this a million times and I'm gonna land us in Los Angeles. I'll see you on the ground. Let's go Let's freaking go right and you're like why am I calm nothing around me changed, but I am calm and to me like you want a leader who sees that your feelings are real And is not infected by them and the only thing that stops that infection or contagion is a boundary and the ability to know, I am not my kid.

1:02:10Those are their feelings. And empathy for feelings requires boundaries. Because if you're not having up a boundary, you're not empathizing with your kid, you're actually kind of what we were talking about. You're kind of responding to the way that feeling came into your body. That's not empathy, right? Boundaries are actually what allow you to say to a kid who's upset about the cut grilled cheese, even though, by the way, you're not making a new one, or say to the kid when the TV time is over, I know you really wish you could watch another show. It's so hard to stop. And when they say, so I can, you say, oh, sweetie, no.

1:02:42No, no, no. My number one job is to keep you safe. Part of keeping you safe is making key decisions like bedtime. Bedtime is absolutely now. You can tell me the show you want to watch tomorrow. I'll write it down. I get it. This isn't what you wanted. Do you see? There's like this bouncing. I'm validating. But like, I would say, my kid's feelings don't dictate my boundaries. And my boundaries don't dictate my kids' feelings. They just kind of, they coexist. Wow. Why is it so hard for parents to create boundaries with their kids? So first of all, we don't define what boundaries are. We get it wrong.

1:03:12So boundaries are what we tell someone we will do. And they require the other person to do nothing. This is true in adulthood too, all the time. So like with my kid in the couch, this is a good example. And I have a kid like this because my three kids are totally different. And one of them is 0 % people pleasing. And he's just like, he's, I delight in him because he's my third. He likes to test things out. He's going to be a leader one day. I get it, you know. But I would look at him. I'd be like, hey, stop jumping. Let's say it stopped. In my house, people jump on the couch. I don't really care.

1:03:46But let's say it was that. It was dangerous. There was a glass table. Sweetie, I need you to stop jumping on the couch. You can jump on the floor. And then he looks at me, and he starts jumping. And I say, you violated my boundaries. He doesn't respect my boundaries. He doesn't respect me. We always, like, center ourselves, right? Now, if I have a kid who I know is kind of like a pushing the limit kid, not because they're bad, because that's how they're learning about their world, their temperament. Yeah, their temperament, yeah, their personality. This is not a boundary. It's not a boundary. That's a request.

1:04:15Because the success of what I said is dependent on someone else. When we make a request of someone, which we have to do, we can't always set a boundary, right? We have to be in a relationship with them. We have to understand they have the right coping abilities. We have to, like, know that they might meet my request. They might decline. They might decline. Probably not because they don't respect me, you know? Like, it's just for other reasons. This is a boundary. And again, this is where good inside is anything but soft. After he doesn't listen, hey, sweetie, it looks like you're having a hard time getting down off the couch.

1:04:44I'm going to walk over to you. And if by the time I get there, you're not off, I'm going to put my hands around you. I'm going to pick you up and I'm going to put you on the floor and you can jump over there. That is a boundary because, and I can even test it. Did I tell my kid what I will do? I did. does it require my kid to do nothing? It does. And just to get real, like when I do that with my son, he does not say to me, like, thank you for your sturdy leadership. Like, he does not. You get no praise, no gratitude. Zero! I get a tantrum. Yeah, yeah. And on some level, I think, again, we wish as parents that when we like have these amazing interventions, our kids are gonna like clap it up for us.

1:05:18I love you, Mommy. Thank you so much. You're the best, right. They're not. We have to validate ourselves. Hard for people. Definitely hard for women. I know I'm doing my role. Why is it hard for women to validate themselves and not want validation from their children? Well, we do want validation. Why is it hard? Why is it hard for them to, I mean, validate themselves when they don't ever get validation from their kids? That's right. So I think women and many people, so it's not just women, but let's just say especially little girls, we are taught in families, we are taught by society to gaze out before we gaze in.

1:05:53to me the essence of confidence is like your ability to gaze in before you gaze out like what is going on for me at least what do I need right but we are taught to gaze out and we are to say like I can fill myself up outside who am I how do you look at me are you happy with me are you telling me I'm doing a good job am I making you happy even just like classic and like I always think about people I used to see teens in my practice and be like does he like me I want him to like me i hope he likes me and i was like what do you like about this dude like by the way sounds like a douchebag like what and they were like and literally i remember one being like what do i like it was they didn't know foreign question especially now i'm brought up like what do i like i mean i guess i like the things on instagram that got the most likes because they told me those were that that's not what you like that's not what you liked about the picture the gazing out culture is just massive now, but especially women, and we don't realize that by the time I become parents.

1:06:54No one says, I need my kid's approval. Everyone's like, of course I don't. But we get sucked back into the same circuits. So when we set a boundary in our kid protests, unconsciously what happens in our body is, see, I've done it wrong. And then we look for... I thought I'd get the result. We look for our kid's approval. We look for our... And we say things like that. Don't you think it's time to go to bed? Come on, you've been up so late. It's like asking for, you know, permission or approval from them. It's like the pilot saying, like, don't you think we should make an emergency landing? Like, right?

1:07:26And you're like, oh, my God. Right? And then that's, of course, it actually leads to kind of, quote, worse behavior in kids. Not because kids are trying to manipulate us at all. Imagine being on the plane and hearing that from your pilot. There'd be worse behavior from pastors because they feel so much more unsafe. They feel out of control. they want to try to control some situation yes wow i'm like i have so many extra questions i want to ask you but i'm gonna get to number three okay let's get to three let's get to three because we don't have to ever get there so we should so we shouldn't we shouldn't punish so yes to me and is there ever a time to punish i mean i i really am not so rigid i try not to be so rigid so is there but to me it's like the question of should we punish to me brings you back for another key framework, the same team framework.

1:08:15And to me, again, same thing at work, same thing in romantic relationships. When you're mad at someone or when you're in a conflict or when you feel like someone did something to you, assuming it's a person that you want to be in a relationship with. If it's not, this doesn't apply. They're toxic. But if it's someone you're like, in general, we have a good relationship. There's two ways approaching it. One is, and it's kind of like how we're sitting, it's me against you and Lewis is the problem. So let's say like I arrived to podcast studio and you were like 30 minutes late i'm like so pissed and i want to tell you like how could you be late i flew in for this podcast by the way it didn't happen for everyone all right well let's say it did you did fly in okay that's right i'm not simulating the same thing like so i could either talk to you like i'm looking at you like you are the problem and you know what that would sound like that was so rude you know and it can't happen again or we can talk to someone like me and that person are sitting on the same side of the table and together we are looking at a problem.

1:09:12And then we'd say, hey, what, what went on there? And by the way, I know I'm coming back next week and I just, I'm sure together, like neither of us want this to happen. Did I not understand the time? Let's just figure this out. So when you say, when I hear parents say, when is time to punish? To me, punishment is a me against you framework. I never want to punish someone I like. I just don't like them in that moment. Like I've never had the thought. I never want to quote, gives someone a consequence. Now, that doesn't mean there aren't boundaries I'm going to set. But when I hear that question, it makes me think about the mindset they're in.

1:09:40And so to me, the answer is that mindset isn't going to be effective for the goal I think you're trying to achieve, which is change. So we only pull interventions from the mindset bucket we're in. And so when I notice parents speaking in a way that I really feel like is in an unhelpful, ineffective mindset bucket, I don't think what can we do in that bucket? I think we're in the wrong bucket. Let's get you to a different one. Right, right. I'm happy to walk through what we do instead because it's not just like kumbaya. So let's say it's like my kid jumping on the couch or let's say something more egregious.

1:10:11Let's say they punched someone or they bullied someone or they whatever. Right, let's say they bullied someone and I was like, I really had evidence that my kid was like going up to this kid and they're like, you're a loser and nobody likes you. I don't know, something like that. Someone filmed it, who knows, yeah. Exactly, sure. I guess this happened. Okay. But first I have to be like, how could this even be me and my kid against a problem? And I think the best way I do that, if I'm realistic with myself, is just like, we're all capable of all the things. And I'll be like, what would make me say something so mean to someone?

1:10:40And I'll say, what? And I might be like, well, maybe I felt really insecure. Maybe I felt slighted by them. Maybe I've developed this role in a group where I feel like I have to be this tough guy. I don't know. But I guess that could happen. Yeah. And if I punish my kid and I'm like, I can't believe you did that. It's not within the values of our family. And here's your punishment. So first of all, our kids respond to the version of themselves. We reflect back. So I'm mirroring back to my kid like you're a bad kid. Wow. And then I'm asking them to have behavior that would come from feeling like a good kid.

1:11:09Like you have to feel good inside before you act good on the outside. Come on. Come on. Come on now. Right? You do. So again, just counterproductive. You have to feel good inside. Before you can act good on the outside. I know act good isn't like good English, but it just like. No, it is. That's great. So if we feel bad inside, it's really hard to act good on the outside. That's right. Think about your boss always being like, you're late and you're the worst and you don't do good presentations. You come to work the next being like, I'm going to crush it. You're paralyzed by the way they're reflecting back who you are, if they're an important person in your life, right?

1:11:42So what would I say to my kid? Let me just be clear. I'm not saying, I would never say, oh, that probably was a hard day and there were reasons why you did that. Yeah. You wouldn't validate the behavior. I wouldn't end there and say, now let's go out to dinner, okay? I wouldn't. I wouldn't be like, you know, cool. Here's what I'd probably say. I heard about what happened at school. Let me just start there. Something happened at school today. Never ask a question to any human being that you know the answer to because they know it's not a question. It's a criticism veiled with a question mark, and that is infuriating.

1:12:17So a question is only a question when you don't know the answer. So I would never start that. I mean, I would try not to. I'd say, I heard what happened in school. And I heard this thing. I saw this video. And, like, look, before you go further, and I would say this. You might push back. You're a good kid. Like, if I can't hold that I have a good kid who did a bad thing, why in heck would my kid be able to do that? Because in order to reflect about bad behavior and understand it and change, you have to hold on to good identity. If those two things are collapsed, there's no good centered self to do the reflecting about the behavior.

1:12:56The bad behavior became of a bad person. You literally can't learn. If someone doesn't believe they're a good person, how do you build a good identity? I think you have to start by noticing all the ways you use your behavior to define who you are. It's what you did. And it's very important data to be like, what's going on for me? What am I seeking? What am I missing? But if you can't separate good identity, which does not justify bad behavior, it just creates a framework to understand and change bad behavior. You can't change. So I know you're a good kid. And, like, I know, like, that's not, at least in theory, the way you want to talk to other kids.

1:13:35Like, I know that, which lets me know also, like, there's a whole situation going on. I don't know what's happening about that kid. I don't know if you've had a bad week. I don't know if, I'm just making this up, I don't know if you've noticed, um, I've been saying some nasty words to your dads in our arguments, and you've maybe, you know, been kind of stressed about that and picked up on that, right? Like, let's be honest, they pick up on everything, or, you know, I don't know, but I know there's a reason, and let me be clear, that doesn't mean it's okay, and I don't even think I've decided to, because I know you know it's not okay, but we're going to work together to actually figure this out, because I I know you're capable of being in a tricky situation with a kid and acting in a way you're proud of.

1:14:16Wow. Yeah, that's what I would say. And then I would actually do it. And then I would, what we miss out is I would simulate it. Why would a kid say that? Maybe this kid is a new kid. And let's say my son was always best kid in basketball and kind of head of the group. And all of a sudden this kid came in. He's a star. There are reasons why we do the things we do. It doesn't make them okay, but there are reasons. So I might say, look, we're going to do something. And then I would get a little, like, not harsh, but firm. And if my son's like, I don't know, can I just play Fortnite? I don't want to do this.

1:14:43Right? I'd be like, I'm just going to say this one time. You literally have to go through this with me before you play Fortnite. Like, that's not a threat. My most important job is helping you in life. And I know this is going to help. And so even if you roll your eyes, we will do this. That's your decision. It's firm, but it's not mean. It's a place of help. And then I'd say, we're going to do something. This is going to sound really weird, sweetie. We're going to go to the basketball court. and I'm going to heckle you and say something mean wow put them through the experience sure isn't that what we do yeah you need to sports like right right and so I'm going to go you need to prepare for these challenges that's right and what I'd say to him is I don't expect you in that situation to go like this we get these most unrealistic oh I'm happy yeah exactly like and I want you to say to this kid no but we might I would prompt him and what I want you to do and I would get up is instead of moving toward me.

1:15:40When I say that, you're going to turn your body and you're going to walk away. Because if you teach kids when they're mad to give space, they're going to make, they're going to literally have more time to make better decisions. Yes. Okay. They're not going to react as quickly. And then if we want to get the heart of why kids say mean things to bullies or something, they're having a hard time regulating something themselves. So I might give my kid a mantra too when they're walking away. Maybe. And I always give mantras that get to the core. Stay calm or, yeah, I got this or whatever. Maybe even like, write that or I'm valuable even when I'm not the best basketball player.

1:16:10Wow. Yeah. That's good. Get to the core. And we're going to practice that. I'm making practice it with me. I'm so glad you're saying this, Dr. Becky, because I truly believe life is beautiful and wonderful. And there's so much magic and awe and so much to be grateful for. There's so much beauty in the world. And I think life is an incredible gift, but I also know life is so tough and there's a lot of tough moments, tough situations, tough seasons that we all go through from childhood, adolescence to adulthood. And it can feel daunting. It can feel so heavy, so, so much pressure, so much, so much confusion times.

1:16:55I truly believe what you just said is the key to living a beautiful life, is putting ourselves in the most uncomfortable, challenging scenarios and situations and preparing for tough moments so that when tough moments come, they're not so tough. I truly believe that. And I think a lot of people, if parents heard what you just said right now and actually did that, they would raise incredible human beings who are prepared for the sadness and the suffering that happens in the world frequently so that they could see things as a gift and beautiful and not suffer in the sadness. And I think sports gave me that opportunity, that gift.

1:17:41You know, you hear about Navy SEALs, like they have a game plan, but they prepare for all the worst scenarios. They don't just say, we're going to prepare for the best. The best outcome is going to happen. This is exactly what we're going to plan for and it's going to happen. They got to plan for, what if I lose my weapon? What if I'm trapped? What if this? What if I'm upside down hanging and I can't, I'm unconscious? How do I get out of a situation calmly? Yeah. Or with enough where I cannot freak out, but I can make a decision and act. And I think we've lost the ability, most people have lost the ability on how to handle challenging situations and play more of a victim, unfortunately, than a victor in their own life.

1:18:23And the way you just said right there, I hope parents listen to that and try it with their kid. It's probably the worst thing to hear. Like, I'm going to take you to the basketball court and heckle you. But coaches would create scenarios where they would put loudspeakers on the fields and be like, we're going to go into a tough road game. And these fans are not going to be cheering you on. They're going to be screaming at you, booing at you, throwing stuff on the field, calling you names, trying to get under your skin. They're going to punch you in bad places. They're going to do bad things to you.

1:18:55And you can play victim and say, ref, and all these people, why are they doing this to me? Or you can rise above it and be prepared for it. And it's doing it in a loving context, I think, is what we need to do. Not like just putting them down and diminishing kids, but like saying, this is what we're going to create. I love you, but I want to create this scenario for you. Yeah, and I wouldn't, like, to me, the heckling, like, it's going to be humorous because my son's going to be like, my mom's, like, saying random stuff. She doesn't even know how to, you know. But, you know, someone said this to me.

1:19:23It's not, you know, and I think it's so powerful. I talk about a lot of pilot metaphors, and you were talking about the Navy SEALs. That in moments of challenge, we don't rise to the occasion. We fall to the level of our training. Yes. and this goes back to parents needing resources so that in those moments of challenge their level of training has you know risen man i'm so excited about this you know one of the reasons why i wanted to have you on is because i want to be a parent one day right i want to have kids i want to be a parent i actually feel like i'm at a season of life where i feel like i've done enough healing work for myself where i don't think i will repeat certain patterns that my parents unconsciously did right and my parents did a lot of good but there's also things that I'm like huh I don't know if that was the right way to build identity in myself my siblings right they built great identity in other ways but in other ways maybe it was more challenging and I had to learn how to unwind some of those things integrate and heal maybe that inner child that was still sad suffering or insecure and so I'm trying to have as many conversations to prepare myself, not to be the perfect parent, because I don't think there is a perfect parent, but to be the best potential parent that I can be, knowing I'm going to be flawed, knowing I'm going to make mistakes, and knowing I'm going to do something probably that is going to hurt my child at some point.

1:20:50But I think what you talked about in the beginning, having the resources and the tools is the first step for parents developing being certain skills. And that might mean you have to, you know, get your book and read it 10 times until you start to pick up one or two skills that you've never learned before. So I'm just really grateful that you're here. And I'm grateful that four years ago, you decided to put your content online and bring this message to the masses. Because I think parents, I'm not a parent, but I think parents are scared to raise bad kids. And I think parents feel insecure, They don't feel well equipped, especially with social media and, you know, drugs in schools and shootings in schools and just insecurity.

1:21:35All the different stuff that's happening in schools that we don't have time to get into today. But I want people to get your book, Good Inside, A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. And I think a lot of people in general never felt like they're a good person growing up. I speak for myself, but I feel like there's so many people that are craving to feel good. And so again, I know that you're a teacher for parents to help their kids, but really you're a teacher for humans to heal and become better leaders in their life. So I want to acknowledge you for the gift you bring, the consistency you bring to add value to people with your content, with your book.

1:22:14I know you have an app that also helps parents learn these skills and tools with a lot of different AI and all these different things you guys are bringing into it. So I want people to follow you on social media. Your Instagram is amazing. I love it. Again, I'm not a parent, but I love watching your content because I feel like it's relevant for becoming a better human being and a better leader in your life. I want people to get your book, Good Inside. I think it's required reading for every parent or want to be parent. So get Good Inside. And how else can we be of support to you besides going to goodinside.com, getting a book, and checking out your app?

1:22:50And I mean, to me, conversations like this are just fantastic. I appreciate this. Thank you for helping, you know, ideas get spread because other people also help spread them. So I love like the excitement you bring to these ideas. And this has been amazing. So I have no asks. I appreciate it. I feel like we're going to have to have you back on at some point because I have so many other questions I wanted to ask you. But this has been really powerful. Even just those three things you talked about. I'm so glad we're talking about this. I believe you. Tell me more. And it's really powerful. And that's also something you could do in an intimate relationship.

1:23:24You know, when you don't want to have challenging conversations, if you actually did that with your partner, man, you're going to feel a sense of peace and relief on the other side because you went through the challenging conversation together as opposed to avoiding it or being distracted or whatever it might be. And that's hard when your attachment style is insecure or avoidance. So you've got to learn to heal so you can have a more secure attachment style in all your relationships with intimacy and with your kids. So much to always learn. But again, we'll have to have you back on to talk about more.

1:23:56A couple of final questions for you to finish the conversation. This is our rapid fire. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Should I do push-ups? Get ready. There's a question I ask everyone at the end. It's called the three truths. So imagine you get to live as long as you want to live, Dr. Becky, but it's your last day on earth many years away. And for whatever reason in this hypothetical scenario, you have to take all of your content with you All of your instagram content, whatever content create in the future your books this interview is gone So no one has access to anything you've ever put out in the world But on the last day you get to leave three things behind three things, you know to be true That you would leave behind for us to have access to what would be those three truths or three lessons that you would share okay um i have two so let's see how i get to the third one is that we are good inside and our good identity is separate from any bad behavior number two is it is never too late and the single most important relationship strategy in the world is repair and three is that the only real strategy you have with your kid is connection yeah we didn't even get into how to repair which you talk about in your book so that's another reason for people to get your book and to have you back on to really dive into my ted talk because that's what it's about exactly it's about really how to repair yes uh when there's a breakdown or when there's a an upset when there's when you scream at your kid when you yell at them Final question, what's your definition of greatness?

1:25:38I think it's a combination of internal accomplishment and external impact. So if I think about greatness, I think a lot about this concept or feeling of being lit up inside. It's how I feel talking to you and talking about these ideas, putting them out there. but I think greatness is when you feel so lit up inside by something that it drives you and so much that you can't contain it. And so it kind of explodes out of you with joy and authenticity and belief so much that it ends up igniting something that is in someone else and lights them up and it has this kind of generative movement. That's beautiful.

1:26:22Dr. Beckett, thanks so much. Appreciate you. Thank you so much. I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast. If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels at Lewis Howes.

1:26:56I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better. And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter. And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.