Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry

31:17And I also... So you were pushing and driving and trying to accomplish or create her. Let's do this. That's what I did in every other area of my life. Push everything. As opposed to just, how can I be in love? Absolutely. And I was missing the opportunity to create memories and moments because I could only see what was next, which is, I mean, it's immaturity. But you imagine, hey, we all do it, though. All you think about is marriage. Yeah, well, the thing you say is the first two steps in your roadmap is have a clear vision, like the picture in mind, and don't waste your time, essentially, on anyone who can't fit that picture.

31:57But if you have that same approach towards goal accomplishment, this is the end result. We've got to go do this. You're not enjoying the moments in the present. The danger of vision is panic and insecurity. If you feel like that vision is possibly not going to come to pass, you begin to push at unhealthy paces and you can bring that into a relationship. Yeah. So that was something you did early on? Oh, yeah. Really? Oh, yeah. When did you wake up to it and say, OK, I just need to create memories and moments and be present day by day, even if it's not pushing towards my timeline of this goal? Well, I think there was a couple of factors.

32:36One was I thought marriage was going to bring a relief from the exhaustion of leading and building. The weight. The weight of it, that emotional drain. And when I was in the marriage and still as exhausted as I was before, I'm like, uh-oh, dude, you're doing something wrong because it's not bringing the relief. And then you realize, ah, it was me all along. It wasn't this person or whatever else. It's not going to fix something or solve something. I think one thing that we don't talk about in terms of this journey of vision and greatness is there is some peace that comes with success. For some people.

33:16For some people, it's like, what's next? What's next? It's not enough. But I think some of my goals started to become accomplished. And I began to realize, okay, Stephen, you can calm down. You can slow down. And also, if you don't, you're not going to like the person you're becoming. Really? So you probably need to take a step back. Really? And I think feeling the exhaustion when I thought it'd be gone after marriage and some of those goals being accomplished at ages far before I thought they were going to be accomplished, I realized, okay, you kind of need to chill out a little bit and live life, not just drive life.

33:55Really? So you accomplished a lot of your big goals and dreams earlier than you expected. Absolutely. Yeah. and then you realize I need to take some pauses or take some breaks or be more present. You realize there's more to life than just the next goal. It's interesting you say that because Michael Todd, when he was on here, he said early on he had a mentor when he was getting into his, you know, becoming a pastor and learning about how to be an effective leader. He said he had a mentor who told him you need to take a month off every year, no matter how successful, how busy, how many people want your time and attention, how many opportunities you need to schedule a month off otherwise it's gonna trap you you know and it's you're gonna burn out yeah and he said he always does that every year i think he does it every year but he even said i had his one of his last books that came out it was a new york time bestseller for like 16 weeks in a row he goes i had all these opportunities to go do more press but i had this scheduled in for this month and the week i left to stop doing press the book came off the New York Times bestseller list, but I'm at peace with that because I know I'm in this for the long term and not just trying to grab everything right now.

35:03And so it sounds like you have a similar approach to making sure you either have days, weeks, or time where you reflect, recover, and relax. Life will always give you opportunities that are not worth taking. Every opportunity has a cost and you've got to make the decision. I'm not willing to pay that cost. What's the cost? I'm not willing to lose my health. I'm not willing to lose the relationships that matter to me or whatever is on your list. And, you know, early on, you say yes to everything. You have to. You have to. There's not a lot of. Trying to survive, man. Yeah. But after a while, it is your nose that catapults you forward, not your yeses.

35:54And we're driven people. That is so hard to figure out. I say this when it comes in. I put this in the book. I actually started the book off talking about I had a great personal success. And it was just email came. It was mind-blowing and all that. And, you know, in my space as a pastor, I can't get on Instagram and be like, oh, look at me now. Like, that's not very appropriate. So I go home. I turn on the radio. I'm blasting Outkast. I'm on the kitchen countertop going off. And my wife comes. She jumps on the countertop. And we're just celebrating. And I finally learned how to make moments. And in that moment, it struck me.

36:37And I hope this kind of shakes somebody. What use is it of accomplishing greatness if when I get there, I've got nobody to share it with? The moment doesn't really become a moment if there's not people there that can scream and shout and just fully celebrate me in that moment. That's what marriage is. And a lot of times, I think some people would just see marriage as an inconvenience. It's just like, I got this other miserable person that I got to keep happy. I can't even keep myself happy. Like, I don't got the time for that. I'm too busy hitting this goal and hitting that. And what if you accomplished every goal in your life before you died?

37:21What would you do in that gap between all my goals are accomplished and I leave this earth? I'll tell you what you want to do. You want to spend time with your grandkids. You want to impart all the wisdom you received to the next generation. You want to sit down with your spouse and say, look at what we built. Look at what we accomplished. But you've got to start making that investment in your early 20s before, you know, that time comes. Yeah. There's an amazing book called Die With Zero that talks about memory dividends. Yeah. And if we're not creating these moments now and having time to reflect on them now also in our 20s, 30s, 40s or whatever, we won't have the dividends of the memories later as well.

38:05Yeah. We've got to enjoy those moments and make moments and be present to them. But you said something about opportunities. Life will always give you opportunities that are not worth paying the cost for. How do you know which opportunities to take and which ones not to? And in relationships or in business or life. So you have got to have a set of personal values before you step out of the house of there are certain compromises I will not make for any cost. and it is for wisdom's sake because it's not like I'm just, you know, this, you know, highly moral, better than everybody else type of person.

38:51I know that compromise will lead me to a place I don't want to go. So hopefully all of us have some level of moral value where there are certain things we will not lie, we won't steal. There's certain things we won't do for success. We should have values of, I'm not going to compromise my health. I've got to be able to sleep at night. I've got to be able to eat well. I've got to have time for physical exercise. Why? Because I'm going to end up on an operating table before I can accomplish all the goals of my life. So it's that. And it doesn't have to be a deep list, but it needs to be moral. It needs to be health.

39:26I think it needs to be relational. that I am not willing to sacrifice these key relationships for any level of success. And then every opportunity that comes, I then determine, is this going to cause me to compromise one of my values, which is really scary. So this year, I decided I'm going to cut back my travel. Really? Last year, I traveled 53 different engagements. So that's almost once a week. And you know how it works. That's a lot, man. You try to pile them all into one week. So some of those are like three. Yeah, you're on the road, constantly traveling, time zones, different beds, different foods.

40:08You're out of your routine. You're not with your family, all these things. But I've got an eight-year-old, a six-year-old, and a three-year-old. Yeah. My eight-year-old is a female girl. And she's starting to notice when daddy's gone. And I said, man, eight to 16, eight to 18. You only got a handful of years. You only got a handful of years. 10 years from now she'll be 18. 10 years from now I'll be 48. I can travel and speak all over the globe from 48 to 100. I cannot spend those years with her ever again. I made the decision I'm gonna cut back travel, and I'm gonna make sure that I tuck them in bed at night, and I'm dropping them off at school in the morning as much as possible.

40:47You know what happened. Every speaking engagement I ever wanted. They all came to you. They're like, they tempt you. Where were y 'all? Yeah, yeah. When I was on the road, I was on the road. Road dog over here, you know, running around. It's just like, hey, can you come do this? Yep. No. Oh, man. But I made a decision along with my wife. These are certain things that I am not willing to compromise for any goal or level. And here's what I just know. You can call it God. You can call it life. But I know whatever sacrifices you make based on personal value, you will never go without. You will always reap a reward on the other side of that decision a lot greater than anything you sacrifice.

41:32How can someone trust that, though? If they're like, man, there's this massive opportunity where it could bring me money or some deal flow or some person that's going to help me further my career. And I'm going to say no to it and trust that it's going to eventually come somewhere else when I stick to these values. So there's two ways and both of them stick. One is you just got to live long enough. There are certain things that only time will prove to you. The other way is you got to trust somebody else's work. You got to have a mentor who's been there and done that, who says one of two things.

42:08I didn't trust that and I regret it. Don't make the mistake I made. Or I did and I'm so glad I did. I'm cautioning you to follow in my footsteps. But if you're not going to learn from time and you're not going to learn from a mentor, you're going to learn the hard way. Man. Speaking of the roadmap, the first step was having a clear vision. And I think that's really important. It's like we have to at least have an idea of what we want. If we're just like, I don't know, let me just date a bunch of people, you're going to get a bunch of different things. But I think you've got to have a clear vision of the type of relationship you want.

42:43And don't waste time with anyone who can't fit into that vision. what would be the next few steps on the relationship roadmap? So you got that season, 12 weeks to eight months. We're seeing, are we friends? Chemistry is what we call it. Do I enjoy being around this person? And then after that, you need to have a season where you are determining how closely aligned are our values or are the yellow flags that I absolutely identify over the last eight months of having fun, are they red flags or can they be turned into green flags? How do you know the difference between yellow, green, and red flags?

43:25Well, that's major. Here's what I would say on green flags. Don't trust your green flags. Because whether you are intimate or not, you got that puppy love going on, you can't think straight. So make sure that the person you're interested in, and I don't sound very corporate, is vetted by your trusted community. Get them around friends who know you better than you know yourself. Get them around. Absolutely. And I'll even get more trouble. If you're a man and you're dating a woman, get that girl you're interested in around other females that you trust. Because women have a way of tricking all of us guys.

44:04I mean, if she's pretty, she's gorgeous. None of us are thinking straight. No, no. No, get her around a woman that ain't impressed and that knows all the tricks. And, you know, vice versa. so that's the green flag yellow flags you mentioned it and I kind of cringed oh they have $100 ,000 worth of debt okay hold on that can be paid off would you really miss out on a really great person because financially depends how it is though if it's like oh they invested in like going to school because they have a vision for their life and this was a part of that versus 28 credit cards yeah yeah they're just like they're not thoughtful of money, then there might be a different type of issue.

44:47And that's why it's yellow. Yellow means investigate more. It's not a deal breaker. And it's also not a, oh, it's no big deal. Keep going forward. It's more investigation needed. Yeah. What are they doing to improve or how are they handling it? Things like that. Some people are like, I will never, you know, date or marry somebody who has children. Whoa. Hold on. you can be missing out on a phenomenal person. Once again, it depends what's the circumstances, what's the level of maturity and health in handling and managing that reality. And you can, there are some blended families that have built amazing lives.

45:27And then there's some people who have married some people with no kids. Have done the exact opposite. So yellow means more investigation. Yes. Red obviously means run for your life. And this these are things that here's how I would put it. It's an issue. And that person is showing zero interest in building and growing in that area. Zero. So you're like, all right, what am I doing? So let's talk about emotional regulation. we automatically think about the person with anger with rage you know whatever it may be and you're just like oh oh that's a warning flag can't give you another red warning flag somebody with zero emotions somebody who cannot celebrate wins that's true somebody who can't celebrate themselves or others that is going to be very frustrating in a marriage when i'm dealing with someone who cannot emote.

46:26100%. And we only see one side of the spectrum as the red flag. We don't, matter of fact, especially if you come out of a dramatic relationship, you might actually enjoy the fact that there's not much emotion going on in this new one. But that will come. And it's not that the emotion or lack of emotion or whatever it may be is a red flag. It is their unwillingness to grow and develop in that area. hear me without your input. Don't fix the person you're dating. It's not your job and you're not capable of it. And if you are dragging a boyfriend or a girlfriend to a level of life that they don't want to live at, what do you think marriage is going to look like?

47:15It's a life sentence of dragging someone a place that they do not want to go. So you've got to evaluate, does this person have a motivation? You could have$300 ,000 worth of debt. But if they're like, oh, it used to be$500 ,000, I've paid off too. And I have a vision for my own life financially. All of a sudden, that's somebody I want to partner with. Yeah, of course. But, yeah. Yeah, you can't change your partner. And one of the things, one of the big agreements that I made with Martha when we got into a relationship was I was like, listen, I'm never going to get upset at you. I'm going to be maybe frustrated or maybe we're going to have like disagreements, but I'm never going to be angry at you for your way of being or who you are, because I feel like I've gotten to know you.

48:04I feel like I've seen your personality. We've had this time together. And I'm choosing to get into this relationship, accepting you for who you are. and because I'm going to accept you I shouldn't try to change you yeah I know you have a growth mindset so you're gonna be growing on your own I know you want coaching and therapy because you're already doing it so you're in a mindset of like how can I reflect and improve and grow so me trying to change you doesn't work and I have one condition don't try to change me mm-hmm accept me as well yes who I am and I'm gonna grow and I do coaching and I have mentors things like that but as long as we can accept each other I think it could be a beautiful relationship that's when things get in trouble and that's what I dealt with in my past was like I always felt like I had a change to make someone happy yeah yeah and that's exhausting yeah yeah you used a perfect phrase a growth mindset yes because I cannot change anyone no but we all have to change as life changes if that person does not come with a growth mindset themselves oh I'm in trouble so what I'm looking for and I think that's a great way to kind of sum up the red flags there are really no red flag deal breaker run for your life for a person who has a growth mindset yeah because whatever that flag is it's only temporary mm-hmm the red flag is this person has zero interest in becoming the best version of themselves Ron this is gonna be a a controversial question or conversation we're about to talk about.

49:43I'm here for it. What is the difference between a man's role in a marriage, a woman's role in a marriage, and God's role in a marriage? Okay. Okay. Well, God is easy. That's an easy one. It's God's job to change everybody. Everybody else, leave that to him. That's not your job. So that was easy. Who? The man and the woman's role. So let me start. I ain't scared. Let's do this. Let's start off with this. Let's talk basketball. You used the same analogy I used. Listen, you used the same one I used. I love this. Let's take male and female roles out of the equation. And let's just say this. Somebody got to play point guard.

50:29What, we can't both dribble at the same time? It's only one basketball, okay? We can't both bring it up with the court at the same time? Somebody's got to be center. Somebody got to get that rebound. somebody got to start the fast break like we there is no let's say this way there is no organization that does not have clearly defined roles no successful organization no successful organization might be some that literally but that's why they're not successful exactly I'm a pastor obviously I believe the Word of God is the way to live a lot of people don't realize this the marriage and family was the first organization ever created in Scripture mm-hmm before there was business, before there was church, before there was government, there was family.

51:08So when you look at the family as an organization, there are roles. And what are the best use of the roles for men and women in marriage? All right, you're going to pin me in the corner. This is my belief that you're free to disagree with me. I think the band has a few roles. I think one of the primary roles is to protect. I think it is the man's role for his spouse, for his children to protect physically and to protect emotionally, which is very interesting in this generation because some of the greatest threats to our family won't come at the front door, it's going to come through the internet.

51:50And I've got to know what's on my kids' phones and what's on their tablets and I've got, You know, all that other kind of stuff. So I think protection is major. I think it is the man's role to be the provider of the household. And this is where I get in trouble. Are you saying a woman can't make more than a man? And what if she makes more than a man? And do you believe in stay-at-home dads? This is where I will get canceled. I do not believe in stay-at-home dads. And I'll tell you why real quick. If you're going to cancel me, let me say this first. Because I don't think work is about money. What's work about?

52:22I think work is about God's place you on this earth to fix a problem that nobody else can fix but you. And it has nothing to do with income. And I think as a man in particular, if you haven't figured out what the problem on this earth for you to solve is, there will always be a discontent on the inside and it has nothing to do with income. Yeah, I call that purpose. Yeah. What's the purpose you're meant to do to solve that problem to help fix this thing or serve? I'm not saying that raising kids is not a man's purpose. Let me get in trouble. I don't think it's a woman's purpose because them kids are going to be there for 18 years.

53:00That woman's going to live for 60, 70, 80 years. I think even women need to have a purpose outside of, I just want to raise kids and then sit around for my grandkids. Like, no, there's a greater impact. Not that there's anything wrong with that. And once again, fulfilling your purpose doesn't have to come with an income. So I'm not saying everybody has to be out here working in corporate America or whatever else it may be. I love how you're looking at me like this guy's going back himself into a corner. Nah, I'm just curious. So when it comes to provision, here's what I would say for a man. You've got to make enough money for your family to have a roof over their head and food on the table.

53:37If your wife makes a lot more than you, great. It just means the quality of life, the level of living, the experience you're going to have are going to be greater. But if she does not want to work, we will have house to live in. We will have food on the table. We'll have clothes on our back. And everything after that is icing on the cake. What if she's like, oh, my man's not able to provide in the same way that all my girlfriend's men provide. And so we live in a way that is not as enjoyable as them. I can't go and do certain things with my friends because we don't have the means. Because my man isn't providing for me.

54:12Yeah. So I'm going to have to step up and go make my own money because he can't provide. Well, that's real. And you may not like me for this, but that's why I said before you date them, have your vision. And when you're interested and you're looking to spend, does this person fit into my vision? And here's what's difficult. It's not fair 10 years into your marriage to switch to vision. if you were content with this level of living before you met those people it's not fair to now have a resentment towards someone that they're not fulfilling a promise that they never made but that's tricky though 10, 20 years you might have a new vision, you might have a new vision for life you might have different goals, different seasons we've been walking through it and if you married a growth mindset person, they'll be growing and earning more They will go with you.

55:08Of course. The issue is I got somebody who doesn't have that growth mindset. I know. That's the challenge. But, okay, Stephen, at 22, you're not making squat. You know, you're making$10,$12 an hour. You're not providing. You can't even afford rent. You're still at home. Yeah, yeah. How are you going to marry someone who can't provide when you're that young getting married? So we do this, you know, singles night. And, I mean, this last one was 3 ,000 singles. And it was, you know, Q &A and all that. And one of the number one questions from women, especially women in their 30s, was, you know, I've got three master's degrees, six-figure income.

55:43I've got my 401k. I will not. I've got my home. Literally, I will not settle for a man who cannot match me financially. And I said, you know, my wife take this. I said, well, my wife made more money than me when we got married. I was a pastor of a church of 50 people. Yeah, making nothing. Nothing. She was a nurse. I mean, first of all, nurses make good money, and then she could take all the overtime she wanted. So if her decision was strictly financial, I wouldn't have had a shot. But, and so they asked her, well, why did you marry him? Because he was broke. And I was, here's the funny thing.

56:20My wife had no debt. I brought all the debt. I had student loans, I had car debt. It was a mess. That's why you justified$100 ,000. Don't give a fuck a guy with debt. I got caught. But here's what she said. She said it was a simple decision because I married a man with a vision And she said a man with money and no vision is Not guaranteed to have money for long But a man with no money a vision and The track record that he has the work ethic to accomplish that vision She said I followed him because he had the proof that he was gonna work Wow and he had a vision of where he was going Yeah, you weren't just sleeping on your parents couch trying to trying to figure out life just being a charmer you were working you were devoted you were committed you had a vision for your life you were developing your skills and so someone can sense and feel that can't evaluate somebody based on their net worth yeah because that is a temporary measurement mm-hmm you've got to evaluate them based on their vision based on their work ethic and based on the proof that they accomplish what they say mm-hmm they're going to come it's kind of like what beauty and looks are for men and women money is to women and men it's like you could see the person with a lot of money and can be very seductive and attractive oh this person can provide for me but do they have a good character good values do they have good relationships or are they just going to you know be abusive in some way because they feel like they have money or power so this conversation started with what's a man's role what's a woman what's a woman's role and you know everything's fluid nowadays and everybody could do whatever but nah because women do have a need for security will say oh she just wants him for his money she's a gold digger no hold on maybe it is there's an internal need in women of i need to feel secure and part of security is is there going to be a roof over my head and food on the table what women have done is well i don't want to trust him for the security because he may walk out the door and now i'm high and dry so i will go out and get it myself but it's not just all about i just want money and i want to live a great life with my friends it is a god instilled need in women to feel security and it is the man's job to provide that security i will say what about the women watching or listening and say i don't want to put my security in a man until he can prove he's trustworthy so i'm just going to always have this create the security for myself and be in control of my own life i will say yes in the um

59:07thought wrong in the reaction i do not want to put all of my thought hopes and trust in a man providing security. Great. While I'm dating. While I'm giving him time to prove to me who he is. Yeah. That's the time. Don't trust him. Make him prove himself. But then when you're getting committed or in a marriage, you just surrender all trust. And here's why I say that. You're going to trust him with your kids, but not your financial future. And here's what it really comes down to. It begins to show us where money falls in our life. Because we will give somebody our body, we'll give them our kids, but we will not trust them with our money.

59:49What's more important? We would all say my physical health, my children mean so much more to me than my money. But if we look at the number one thing we talk about and we look at the hierarchy that we put our trust in, money is usually the last area why is that because money uh-oh plug for the book is so connected to our hearts and our worldview and a lot of us have not done the work of unpacking that connection between money and our heart so it really is not i don't trust this person with my money it's I don't trust him with my heart. So why get married to the person if you don't trust him with your heart?

1:00:32Because none of us think that deeply. It's just that simple. I thought I trusted him with my heart. But when you realize I actually haven't handed my whole life to them it's the fact that I don't trust him with my heart. And healthy marriage, trust is built. Nobody's been married for 24 hours. And they 100 % trust the person that they're, it takes time. That's the beauty of building a relationship. So the man's role I'm hearing you say is protect and provide. Is there any other role that the man should have in marriage? The man is also the visionary of the household. And that's, you know, once again, very sensitive.

1:01:15But it is a man's job to say, hey, here is where I believe our marriage, our family, our finances, our children, our children's education. This is where it can go or this is where it should go. And if you're having fun, we're getting in trouble. You're going to get comments. But you will find a lot of women that have to drive vision and conversations in their relationships and in their marriage. they will say, I do it because I have to, because he won't. Because he's not leading. Not because I want to. Yeah. And a lot of women that step out of relationships, they'll say, because I had to lead him and I did it.

1:02:01You know, it's so funny. There's these natural things inside of us that we respond to. But then when somebody wants to write it on a piece of paper and say, this is a man's, we pushed back against them. A lot of women, some may, I want to call the shots and I want to lead and everything but a lot of people are like i'm doing it because i have to not because i want to let me push back on this then yeah yeah for the men that say i've tried to lead but she just keeps taking over control she won't listen she keeps pushing back on me she won't either submit surrender you know relax in my leadership whatever you want to call the word yeah and so i've just stopped because it's exhausting because i'm leading but then she's pushing back constantly and pushing against my vision so so i just let her do what she wants to do and be in control the bible says wives are to submit to their husband not be submissive there's a difference and some women are like i am pushing back and asking all these questions because i want to fully understand and when i fully understand i'm going to give my all to it interesting so i can be honest yeah Sometimes our insecurity doesn't like to be questioned.

1:03:15I can. That's true. Come on. I don't like that. You know? When I'm like, this is my vision. And when you question me, it doesn't feel good. Let's switch this to the business role. If you are a CEO, entrepreneur, business leader, and you've got some thoroughbreds around you, they're going to question your vision. And you want them to poke holes in the plan. Because they're watching your back. Yeah. But if you're insecure, you're going to see it as rebellion, as attack, as they're trying to divide the company or whatever. And you will find an insecure leader will not have great leaders around them.

1:03:47Interesting. Because they won't give them space to think for themselves. Bring it back into your marriage. Sometimes we all have ego. Anybody who says they don't have ego, they're lying. So I've felt this. I tell my wife, hey, babe, we're going here. And she's like, well, what about this? Don't question me. You know, it's just like and then I had to realize, dude, she's questioning you because it was a half baked idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you had holes that you didn't even see. And I can't see every question as threatening, you know, my masculinity or whatever it may be. So, A, some of those, you know, that woman, you know, she won't follow me.

1:04:23No, she's just asking so she can be fully bought in. And then some women, something in their past has taught them, I can't trust anybody else but myself. And they're responding through fear instead of through what your track record has proven that you can be trusted with. Yes. So that's why dating the right person and making the right decision before you say I do. and not sleeping with them so that your judgment is not off. It's so major because once you've said, I do, doesn't mean you can't undo it, but the amount of collateral damage. That's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. So pick the right person.

1:05:15Pick the right person for you. The Bible says he who finds a good wife finds favor from the Lord. A lot of people think it says he who finds a wife finds favor. No, no. There's thousands of wives out here. Not a lot of good ones. And not a lot of good ones for you. For you. Yeah. So it takes a lot of time and intentionality to find who you want to trust with your future. And it's the same thing, you know, especially when it comes to the biblical world. There's all this pushback. You know, why do I got to submit to a husband? Women hate that verse. They don't like that word, right? It is, I'm not going to say easy because nothing in life is easy, but it's not as difficult to submit to a husband that you love where he's going and you like the vision and you want to be a part of that vision.

1:06:07And wives realize you get to pick what vision you submit to. so pick well just because he's ripped and got muscles and he's six feet tall and got a six figure income or whatever the sixes you're looking for are does not mean that that's the only thing to pick from and this thing called life we live based on the decisions that we make 100 and they're major decisions so what is the role of a woman in a marriage then so when you think about marriage I would divide it out into different spaces. There's family, there's finances, there are extended in-laws, there's career, all that other good stuff.

1:06:53And I think one role of a woman is to be the nurturer in the home, not the only one. Us men, we have to be nurturing. And it does not mean that women have to stay home with the kids or they shouldn't. That is every family specific decision. and anybody says everybody should do that is just naive. However, God has given women a sensitivity, a connection to their emotions that's a lot more challenging for men that is easier for them to create that nurturing type of environment, whether you have no kids or whatever it may be. And as a woman creates that, it's a lot easier for a man to step into that.

1:07:40Makes sense. So that's one. Two, I heard a pastor say, when you think of the word submission, just think of the broken out, support the mission. So it is the wife's job to support the mission, which in one season of the marriage may mean I'm out here working, making more money than my husband, because that supports the mission of our family for this season. It may mean the exact opposite. It may mean that I step away from my career and I'm home with the children for a season because it supports the mission, not that he has, but that we've set for our family. So you can't say women should stay home with the kids or women should be out here working or whatever it may be.

1:08:29It's what is the mission that we've mutually agreed upon is the mission for our family. And how do I support that in this season? I love that. I say, this is kind of using a biblical term, but the word prophecy or prophetic. I think one of a woman's role in a marriage is to be the prophetic voice, which prophecy, the word really means to encourage, to put courage in. and one of the roles of a woman is to say, we can do this. We can accomplish this. And us guys, sometimes we are so in our head and we are our worst critics. And I mean, it's a minor mistake. And in our head, it is the biggest thing ever.

1:09:23And when you've got that right woman in your corner that said, no, you're overthinking it. Then no, the goal can still be accomplished. No, we still, it breathes life into the family. and it brings you to goals that you would have given up on if you were by yourself. Wow. What do you think people struggle with hearing the most about their roles getting into a marriage, both men and women? I think one of the things that both men and women struggle with just in marriage in particular is I'm going to lose my identity. I think women struggle with this more, but I'm going to be overshadowed. there are going to be things that I want to accomplish that I'm not going to be able to accomplish because we're, you know, serving my spouse's vision in this season or whatever.

1:10:14Life is all about giving up something you want for something you want more. What do I want? I want to be on vacation 12 months a year. That's what I want. What do you want more? I want to build a legacy. I want to build greatness. I want to build an impact. So yes, I'm gonna give up Cancun for 12 months out of the year, but what I get in return is greater than what I gave up. Forget marriage. There is no relationship that you don't have to compromise and give up part of your dream. What makes it worth it? What I get back is greater than anything that I've given up. So guys or girls, when you get married, you're gonna have to slow down a little bit.

1:11:01because when you were single, you made a decision and you acted on it. You had nobody to check in with. And slowing down for drivers is frustrating sometimes because it's just like, I've already thought it through. I've already made it. Let's go. But slowing down and making that decision with someone who has massive talent and gifting and ability is going to make the results of that decision far greater than they would have been if I was by myself. So, yes, I gave up the speed at which I love to go through life in. But the reward is worth it. Yeah. So that fear of I'm going to lose part of myself and I'm not going to relieve that fear.

1:11:41You will lose part of yourself in that marriage. But you lost part of yourself when you launched that business. That's true. You lost part of yourself when you had those kids. And that's life. You're developing. And it's worth it when you see the goal on the other side. I've got a couple of final questions for you. but this is a powerful book called Relationship Roadmap, Step-by-Step Directions to Finding Your Spouse. And again, most people are struggling and challenged with relationships in their life. And this is going to give you the tools on how to set you up with more success. So make sure you guys get a copy or two.

1:12:12Give it to a friend who might be struggling in the relationship as well. Someone who's been married 12, almost 13 years now, but also been around a lot of individuals who've been married for a long time. You have great married mentors. and I'm assuming you've counseled many people in their marriages as well. As I get into my newly married season of life, what would be three pieces of advice you'd give me that either you followed when you were getting married or you wish you would have followed as well? Well, first of all, congrats. Come on. It's been a fun journey. And I'm going to kind of turn it heavy for a second, but it's okay.

1:12:52It's going to resonate with a lot of people. My mom ended up passing away in 2013. And I got engaged the first week of February. She passed away the last week of February. So she passed away three weeks after we got married. She was 54. And, you know, when someone's coming to the end of their life, life comes in perspective. And the things that matter matter. And the things that you thought mattered, you realize at this point. And so the greatest piece of advice I got was from my mom. and she said, Stephen, if I had known I was only going to spend 34 years with your dad, some of the things that I was dogmatic about, I now realize they don't matter.

1:13:38So in marriage, pick which hills you're going to die on. And I'll even say this, three or less don't have a lot of them. I will not compromise on this. And then other things, we can talk, we can disagree but don't make it you know World War III you know some of the dumb stuff we get in a relationship ah you know my husband bought a red car and I hate red cars why do you know but at the end of the day nobody cares you know you drive the car for five years you get a blue one next it doesn't matter but you know in that moment it seems like the biggest deal in the world or I don't like the house uh this is gonna get me in trouble my wife did not like the house that we bought after we got married.

1:14:23And I'm a little bit of a bulldozer. So, you know, I asked her and I got her permission. But looking back, I probably kind of, you know, pushed her into something that and we ended up living there for two and a half years. We thought it was gonna be a forever home. No, you're out. Work changed and we ended up and she said later, man, that taught me something that even when I disagreed with your decision it wasn't a lifetime decision and it wasn't worth the emotional so you the less wars you have in a marriage the better yeah and when you look back you're gonna find out that wasn't worth it wasn't worth it it wasn't worth fighting or arguing about yeah okay so that's that's your first piece of advice yeah you got two more i got two more um make great memories made great memories one mentor told me um accomplished great things in life but one thing I regret is I did not enjoy the journey and he said now that I'm coming to the end of it I wish I had stopped to celebrate more along the way yeah so I think that that would be number two and then I think the third one is what a lot of people don't think about marriage family whatever make it more than just about y 'all.

1:15:37You used the word purpose. I think there are individual purposes, but there's also a purpose to a union and to a marriage. And I believe God brings people together. But why did he do it? It wasn't just for our joy. It wasn't just for our legacy. So what is the impact we can have as a couple? what is the blessing we can have the people some of the greatest joy you're going to get in life is from blessing people who cannot bless you back and I think in a marriage if you would just take a time to say hey who can we have an impact on that we want nothing in return from them at the end of your life some of your greatest joy is going to be the people that we impacted and we'll find out just the joy it brought us yeah we received far more than we ever gave i'm getting the chills the whole time you're talking about this because that's another thing now that i'm thinking about it where i realized that martha was the one early in the relationship uh just service is a big part of my life yeah being of service and however that might look it might be donating to a cause i really care about or just impacting the person that I come up to me on the street that says hello and being of service in that moment in a small way or a big way but thinking about service as part of my mission to life yeah and when I realized that she wanted to make a big difference as well in the world and that she cared about you know how could we as a couple also do something to serve people that either give us something in return or don't.

1:17:25Just how can we give and make a difference? And having a partner on my team that wants that same mission, that's when I realized, oh, I'm not going to be the only one thinking about service in a relationship because that's tiring as well. It's just you. But two people coming together, finding a purpose to serve either your friends, your family, your community, or whatever you can is a beautiful thing. Let me brag on my wife, Zai, for a second. when I tell you this woman has expanded my universe, it will happen to everyone. I don't think God puts the total skill set in one individual. So all of us, whether it's people skills, whether it's dry, all of us are deficient in some area.

1:18:10And when you marry someone who their strengths are your deficiency, I'm an introvert. I love one-on-one relationships, crowds freak me out. I'm just like, which is wild because you wouldn't think that at all. But I tell the church, this stage is my little box. This is my world. My wife is, I mean, crowds, life of the party. People, let's hang out, hug. Yeah. And she has introduced me to spaces and worlds that Stephen by himself would have never ventured into. Now vice versa, because I pastor and all that kind stuff i see crowds i know how to move crowds my wife sees individuals so i'm thinking about the crowd and my wife's like hey don't forget about this person hey go text this person i'll call this person or whatever and now i'm able to care for people on a level that is outside of my skill set or temperament because of the help mate biblical word that god has given me and vice versa I've been able to put my wife in front of crowds when she sees individuals.

1:19:14Wow, that's cool. It multiplies your effectiveness. Wow, man. That's beautiful. Relationship roadmap is what we're talking about today. A couple final questions for you, but people can follow you. Where's the best place to follow you on social media to see your content and get the book? Stephen R. Chandler, everything. Stephen R. Chandler. Everything. IG and all that. And it's with a PH. And it's still Stephen. Stephen with a PH. this is a question I ask everyone towards the end. It's called the three truths. Imagine a hypothetical scenario. You live as long as you want, but it's your last day on earth.

1:19:49So you're as old as you want to be, but you've got to turn the lights off. Go to the next place. And you've accomplished everything you want in this journey. Your roadmap is complete. You got to the destination. Faithful servant. And you're reflecting back on all the memories that you made. For whatever reason, in this hypothetical scenario, you can't leave anything behind that you've created. This conversation, this book, everything you've shared before is gone. But you get to leave behind three lessons that you've learned. Three truths. What would those three truths be for you? Man, that got emotional.

1:20:28That's major. And it was really easy. The first one is I was placed on this earth. by God, on purpose, for a purpose. And I live my life to fulfill that purpose. I'm not a mistake. It wasn't happen chance. It was intentional by my creator. My second thought is this, that the people who know me the best respect me the most. I think it is easy for crowds to revere you because they don't really know you. It is the people who know you the most that I want to respect me the best. And then I think the final thing is I did not let pain or inconvenience keep me from maximizing my greatness. everybody in life has adversity that you've got to push through and every time you push through it's always worth it but it is so tempting not to push through that's beautiful beautiful truth man i want to acknowledge you steven for this is the first time we've met but i've heard about you from mutual friends i've seen your content i want to acknowledge you for your authenticity because i think a lot of people struggle talking about some of these things fully authentically owning what they believe because they're afraid of you know like you said getting in trouble but um you know it's beautiful to see that you've been living your life on purpose to values you believe in that have been serving you and communities and multiplying the fruit of that value within your relationships, your marriage, your family, your communities, because you live by them.

1:22:26And they may not be for everyone, but they're for you. And I acknowledge you for that authenticity and for sharing your truth here, man. I appreciate it. I'm grateful for you. The work you're doing is amazing. Thanks, brother. Final question. What's your definition of greatness? That's one I had to work out. Greatness is maximizing the potential and resources that you have. So I've got to say this. It is not competition with somebody else because we all have different resources. We have different opportunities. You are in a race against yourself and nobody else. Steven, my man. Thanks for being here, brother.

1:23:04I'm grateful. Powerful, man. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward.

1:23:44And I wanna remind you, if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.