Stop Chasing Love In Relationships & Do This Instead w/ Martha Higareda EP 1423

37:25So something that happened to you at one point in life that you felt things were unjust, you know, whether it's, um, whether it's, you know, the way in your perspective, they treated your sister or your brother way better than they treated you that felt unjust. So then you didn't fix that inside of you. So then later in life, it makes you a very rigid person. Rigidity. You want things to be a certain way and that's it. Or you're just triggered if you see injustices constantly and everything is unjust and it takes a lot of your energy to manage those emotions. Yeah. And so if things were unjust for you when you were a little kid, you replicate it as an adult in ways of you become competitive with your partner because you're trying to find justice.

38:19Oh, you know what? I work so much. Of course, you take care of the kids and don't tell me anything about anything because this is what's fair. Wait, let's talk about it. So this is that type of personality. So for me, you know this, I needed to dive down inside of what was my life story, what was my wounds. Why was I attracting these type of personalities? And why was it that whenever I attracted a nice guy it felt boring that happens to a lot of people why do why do women not like the nice guy why do they not I do some women not fall for a healthy nice conscious man and they fall for a man that has you know likes and interests but doesn't have a healthy relationship with themselves and doesn't treat others well.

39:17Why do they fall for that? Yeah. Well, one is this, you know, because they haven't addressed that they're looking for love as a wounded child as opposed to, you know, being open to love as an adult, which is, I think, this is the way you and I met. We were not anymore looking for love. Right. And although healing is a never-ending journey, we were very aware of what was the inner child wounds that was having you attracting certain type of women and me, certain type of men. And so then, therefore, once, like, the first step is to be aware of it. And then you start noticing, oh. And then something happens.

40:00Did it happen to you, Luis? Because for me, it was this integration of my inner child. this moment these exercises that I would do in which I would say oh my god I got myself you know Nilda is my therapist you know you know I talked to you about Nilda she's incredible and she said to me back in the day when I was in a relationship this person yelling at me all the you know like all these things and she would say don't don't say he's yelling at me he just yells it just doesn't go with you right and you can either choose to accept it or not or get out of there but changing it is actually something that you got to look at within yourself you know if i don't accept who this person is um it doesn't mean they're right or wrong good or bad it just means it's not a good match for me yeah and so they may not want to change and you have to be okay with it if the other person doesn't want to change yeah and you have to evaluate okay am i happy removing myself from this relationship even though there might be some other benefits but can I deal with the parts that cause the most stress and pain and I think again not everyone is bad all the time or something but are the things that I don't like or don't match or align with knowing this may never change if it never changes am I accepting it and okay with it and I think if you're not willing to accept who they are now you can't expect them to change later so it's learning to say am I okay and can I give into this or accept this or you know is this a non-negotiable for me you know one of the things that we got you know into our relationship and the dating process I was just like you know it's non-negotiable for for me and us to not yell we can disagree we can argue but screaming and yelling does not work for me and had I experienced that with you in the first or seven other six months or a year, I might have been like, huh, okay, this is something that you do, maybe from time to time, you haven't done that.

42:06But I would witness it and be like, okay, this doesn't work for me. And having a conscious conversation saying, hey, if this is the way you're going to be at times, just let me know, because it doesn't work for me. Or am I able to accept you if once in a while you do yell, if there's a lot of other good that happens? And I think those little nuances are hard for sometimes for people to decide. Yeah, because everybody wants to be loved. And so then now finally you're in a relationship. Finally you have the chemistry, the kisses, you know how it feels. And then you're thinking, well, if I'm single again, well, I find someone as good and I don't want to be alone and all these things.

42:44But wait a second, there are all these things that are great, okay, all these things that are bad, but okay, but maybe with time. And then you hand them the book. Then you hand them the podcast. And then you become the coach. People don't want to change, though. People don't want to change who they are. when they're in a relationship. No. I have, before you, I've chosen many relationships where I felt resistance. I felt like I didn't want to change, but the only way to make this person happy was if I changed so many different things. And that was on me for deciding to adjust and change and adapt to make someone happy as opposed to just being full, authentic yourself and being in a relationship where you commit to personal growth individually.

43:27I think that's something we've done really well is committing to being in a process of personal growth individually, both having emotional coaching and saying, hey, I'm going to grow whether we're together or not. And you're going to grow whether we're together or not. So let's make that commitment impact from the beginning, which I think creates a lot of safety in the relationship for both of us, knowing this person's not going to stop improving. They're not going to stop learning. They're going to keep having a beginner's mind about their emotions, their relationship to themselves, how they navigate stress, knowing we're never perfect human beings, but we're in a process of growth.

44:09I think that commitment to growth gives us a lot of peace. There's so many things that I feel so grateful for the way we started our relationship and how it happened. And I feel so grateful for your past and my past. I feel very, very grateful for that. Because if you didn't live the things you lived and I didn't live the things I lived, we wouldn't have met when we needed to meet to continue the growth process in this way. But the same for me. You know, I was nodding when you said, well, if I would have seen you yelling, you know, after six months, I probably would have been like, hey, wait a second.

44:47I think with the experience that I had, if you would have started yelling in month three, I'd be like thank you very much you know it was so great to be with you for those three months and that's it because there's things that you know wouldn't have worked for me either so it's interesting because what I tell most of my girlfriends is after you do this and you find the way you know the inner child ones and you address them and let's say now you're ready because you're open to meet guys Meet them where they are. You know, don't meet the potential. Don't try to see, oh, my God, this guy seems like he could be decent.

45:31No, no, no. Like, look at who that person is and look at everything that they're doing and don't judge them. Everything is just information. If that was for me, like, you know, I was meeting you. Yes. The thing that I wanted the most when I was meeting you is for you to be authentically you. so when you would say to me oh my god i'm going to tell you something i think this is going to make you run away i would think oh my god maybe he's into like threesomes or crazy stuff or drugs or something that's definitely going to make me run away and put you in the friend category right but you would say something that for me was like oh that's amazing you know so it's information It's just what happens is we very quickly, and especially women, we very quickly jump into the place in which we see them as our future husbands.

46:22Right away. Right away. They have the potential. Yeah. What happens to a woman who starts seeing a man as their future husband in the first months of getting to know them? What do they tend to do more of that actually will hurt the relationship long term? You know, it's interesting because at the beginning, they, everything is great, right? So they see all the good parts. So then for about three, four months, everything was amazing. Everything was fantastic. And then the entire person starts coming out. I don't like to say the real person starts coming out because also all the other things that you saw at the beginning is still the real person.

47:03The rest of them. The rest of them starts to come out. So then what happens? Now you want to start changing them because they don't... To go back to this perfect thing. To match you. Yeah. To match you, you know? So if you're like regularly a joyful person and you don't necessarily raise your voice or yell when you're having an argument or whatever and while you're dating that person you saw that that person yelled at the valet parking guy, right? But he's not yelling at you because you're living in this beautiful pink bubble. You continue the relationship. You're not paying attention. Everything is information.

47:42And if a guy tells you, I don't want to have kids, believe him. Yeah. He doesn't want to have kids. Don't keep dating him if you want to have kids. Yeah, don't think you're going to be like, you know, like Bella in The Beauty and the Beast and you're going to say, I'm going to tame this beast and he's going to be the one that's going to have kids with me. No. Everything that a guy says to you, believe him. That's the truth. Believe that person. Because why would he lie to you unless he is some sociopath or whatever. But a lot of people, I mean, it's interesting because I would say certain things in previous relationships in my 20s.

48:18I'd be like, you know, I'm not really looking for a commitment. But then I would say it to kind of like protect myself. Hey, I'm being honest. but I'm happy to hang out and kind of see where this goes like casually and you know date you but I'm really not looking for a long-term commitment and I think you hear men say this a lot to women and you hear women saying well he we had this amazing time but he said he's not really looking for something serious yeah so if he's not looking for something serious stop investing in him in a serious way if you want something serious yeah if you're if you don't great cool don't be upset in two or three months when he's like off dating someone else and not investing in you because now you have feelings for him from a chemical bond.

49:00And I think that's where people get, both men and women, they get caught up in it because they start to have chemical bonds sexually as opposed to, okay, are we in alignment of what we want in terms of being in some type of relationship? Or am I okay if this person starts to abandon me or starts to not be as connected to me and starts to live their lives in a different way will i be okay with that a lot of times people get hurt from that another thing that is information is do their words match their actions oh my god he's telling me all the most beautiful words but he's always late you know he's telling me whatever he has this amazing life with this amazing job of this but i actually don't see him very much you know working so i pay attention more to the actions is in alignment with his behaviors yeah yeah i think that was interesting for us when we met like the first 30 minutes our first hour we started talking about the inner child well not like the most like shiny things you know we weren't like oh i'm this amazing person and you're this amazing person and and what are you up to, and how you're crushing in life, we really kind of got pretty deep quickly, and I think we were both being very authentic of like, this is what, you know, we've been experiencing over the past year, and this is our journey, and this is kind of where we're at, and it wasn't like, look at me trying to be the best version of myself in front of you.

50:30No, I came out in flip-flops, you remember? You looked at me, and you went, you're a midget, and I went, oh my god, you're a giant, and then you give me that big hug, you know, like, that big hug that you're known to be giving you and uh and we had a great time and it was just mainly because that's the thing i was not looking for love i was open to it but i was not looking for love right and you were the same way so i was really curious about who were you about yes as i was curious about other guys and i was like you know who are you what are you about who are you what are you about and then obviously you were the best of all of that but you know the best for me what was the best match the best for me you know it doesn't matter it's not about no but that's why i said the best match and it's being being open and aware of what what you want as an individual yeah and seeing does this person match i feel like we got really fortunate in a lot of ways because we share identical love languages yes which i never learned i never realized how important like being in alignment of love languages or being okay if you don't match and you being okay with having to give someone else something that you're not typically known to do and if you're okay with that and so our love languages match who we are our personality and so when I show up you know wanting to spend quality time and touch and words of affirmation with you that is my personality and for me it's great because then what happens is because it's also my love languages i feel loved you don't have to make an extra effort yeah for me to feel appreciated and i think this is you know i've heard people say like you want to understand your partner what their needs are and give them their needs and help them in meeting those needs with their love languages and i agree that if you want to make a relationship work in a healthy way you want to be of service to someone's ability to receive love.

52:30So you want to be able to give and contribute in that way the best way you can. But if that's not your natural come from, it just makes it a little more friction in order to make that happen. You have to think about it more intently. You have to go out of your way and do something that's uncomfortable for you. So I'm not saying it can't work effectively. I just feel grateful that I can show up as myself and not be like, oh, every week she needs a gift from me or she needs me to do this thing or she needs this thing. otherwise she won't feel loved. You feel loved based on love language alignment.

53:01And I think everyone should be aware of that. Not meaning it won't work out in a relationship. It's just that you probably have to make a little bit more of an effort to communicate in the other person's love language. But it happens all the time. I hear stories. I told you that when I was in middle school and in high school, part of college, I would hang out with a lot of guys. I had a traumatic event when I was a little girl, and my two best girlfriends passed. And so then after that, I was just hanging out with guys for a long time until I healed that part, and now I have a good group of friends.

53:38But when I started realizing these things, one of my friends I remember, he said, I just don't know what to do. She thinks I don't love her. But here I am. you know, I took her on this trip and I took her on this experience and I took her on this thing. And I, you know, if she needs something in the middle of the night, I go and I'm there for her. So clearly his love language is actions, right? So then what happens? She says, I don't feel like he loves me because he never tells me how beautiful I look. You know, I'm wearing this dress he bought me and I'm like parading myself in front of him and it doesn't say anything.

54:19And he never tells me i love you he never tells me well he is with his actions but you're not receiving it because your love language yeah is words of affirmation yes so then once you know you're that's why knowing yourself is so important it just causes more friction it doesn't mean the relationship can't work but i think what we've tried to do is make sure we're in alignment with as much things as possible and accepting the other person's values vision and lifestyle and also saying okay am i in alignment with it and maybe sometimes i don't want to do certain things but i've accepted who you are and i'm okay with certain things that i do them right and vice versa as opposed to being like wow i really don't like these 17 things that you like doing or your your values around this thing or whatever it might be but I'm gonna give in without really truly accepting it that's when there's more friction I think so I think we've gotten really fortunate and being aligned but I also think that you know we've both spent 20 years in multiple relationships where we we we learned and made mistakes and did things where okay we've got a lot of wisdom now and I've told you many times that if I got into like a relationship in my early 20s and got married there's i don't think there's any way that i would have been able to make it work if it if we got in a relationship where it was out of alignment yeah from the start like we just got married because i was like oh i love you and this is amazing and we're having this chemistry and i got married without getting clear on are we aligned on our values our vision our lifestyle and in all these other things i don't know if i would have had the skills or the willpower or the emotional intelligence to navigate a healthy marriage i just don't think i could have done it and I'm not saying I'm making an excuse I just don't think I was capable of that and it's probably why I was so afraid of commitment in my 20s because I was like ah I don't want to mess this up but I think a lot of people jump into commitment and then into marriage without a hundred percent honesty and authenticity around who they are what they want now and what they're planning and intending for the future.

56:36So what is a question that women can ask men with a specific questions they can ask to where they can get more information out of them to see if it's a right alignment or match? I think, oof, it's so important. And obviously you gotta listen to the person to have discernment when you're listening. Because a lot of guys could skirt around it or be a little inauthentic or potentially lie to not tell you the wrong thing and make sure they don't hurt you. So how do you have the intuition also to hear and feel this is authentic? Yeah. I think one of the things that is the thing that I used to do when I was in my 20s is that when you are on the first few dates, you usually talk a lot about yourself.

57:22You want the other person to fall in love with you. So you share, share, share, share, share so much information. And because you want to be liked. I'd say now I would say get as much information as you can from the other person it's amazing to meet someone new and it's amazing to get to know their stories and in the way they tell you their stories and how they tell you their stories you're going to find information so for example it's not the same when you meet a guy who has cheated in the past who tells you that he cheated because the woman was crazy if a guy tells you he cheated because the woman was crazy That's a guy that has not healed.

58:02He has not taken responsibility of his own actions. But if he tells you, listen, this is what happened. There's two sides of the story. This is her story. This is my story. And this is what happened. Then, and what do you learn? Like asking questions like this. So what do you learn? Or not even asking that question. Just wait to see if he tells you what did he learn or she learned. Well, I learned that I was out of integrity. and that's the worst thing I can do to myself because then I lose self-love I learned that I hurt another human being that I betrayed someone else and in that process I also betrayed myself oh that's a person that has learned the lesson so pay attention in not only the story but how they tell you the story like I think that's a very important one and and listen to them and believe them again It's this thing like believe what they're saying.

58:58So like another question I think things like this should be asked sooner and most of my girlfriends say I don't want to scare away the guy but Don't ask the guy. Do you see like do you like would you want to marry me or do you do you see us having children? Don't ask those questions if you on the first month You're seeing yourself already having children with that guy. There's something wrong with you. Really? You don't know him yet you don't know him how can you think you're gonna have children with this man that you've known for one month wow really no it's your children you're talking about take your life it's the rest of your life and then if it doesn't work it's co-parenting with that stranger that you met for one month and you're already thinking that way no what about when people say you know what we met each other when we got married within a week or within a month.

59:51We just knew. And, you know, maybe there are some cases where that ends up, you guys can stay together for a long time and have a healthy relationship and a life, but most of the time it probably doesn't work out. And why do you think jumping into a long-term committed, lifelong commitment after a week or a month of knowing someone is probably not the healthiest thing to do? and where does it come from when someone wants to commit because they feel like, I just know, this is my soulmate and my person after a day, a week, a month. This is it. And we're going to have this incredible life together.

1:00:28What is happening from that place of knowing that quickly that this is my person for life and let's get married and have babies now? I think that's a little bit insane to me. I think that has a lot to do with movies. I think that has a lot to do with codependency and you complete me type of feeling. You know this. But there's a person in my life that on day two, he told me, you're going to think I'm crazy. I love you. Same person that was banging on that door, acting crazy. I'm not saying he was crazy. I'm just saying that how can you say to somebody or somebody can say to you, I love you on day two if you actually don't know them.

1:01:10You can say, I like you. Maybe that's what they mean. I'm interested in you. I like who you are, your personality. I'm fascinated by you. I feel so attracted to you. That's good. Maybe that's what they mean. Now, going to the story of that, my dad saw my mom, and he said, I like that woman for the seven children of my mom, which is him. He's the seven children, right? But he didn't think that's the woman I'm going to marry. He said, I like that woman for me. I like her. and when I have conversations my parents have been married for 40 something years when I have conversations with them I say what you got married you were 19 and my mom was you know the opposite my dad was 20 and my mom was 19.

1:01:57So young. You were so young how did you do that like how did you do that and my mom is a very smart woman and she said I listened to my grandma and I followed everything she told me. So which is, I had the hard conversations with your dad way before we got married. And my mom, all of my life, told me, love is a choice. This thing that kids say, oh my God, I felt this chemistry. She said, love is a choice. And you choose to love every day. And you choose me every day. And I choose you every day. which is why it's so beautiful when you think about... this idea of and this reality of freedom in the relationship and this myth of safety.

1:02:52you know there's a lot of people out there that that feel like and a lot of women i gotta say and i was one of them that you you feel like oh i want to feel safe in this relationship i want to i want to be engaged i want to be married and once i get engaged once i get married then i'll feel safe why do women want that type of safety and why do they try to control the idea of safety in their man by controlling a timeline or controlling a financial situation or by controlling how they react or respond to you or what they need to do for you daily so you feel safe. Why is there this need of control or this false sense of safety that some women tend to have?

1:03:37And can they actually create safety in that way? No. you cannot create safety in that way. What happens is that we are taught in life that once you get the ring, you're safe. Once you get married, you're safe. Once you have the home, you're safe. No. You are the only person that can make you feel safe. You cannot leave your safety to the other guys really you you lewis i love you very much but i can never leave my sense of safety in your hands in my hands because then what what happens if you do that because then if you quote unquote fail me then i don't feel safe then i'm gonna want to get back my safety and how am i gonna get back my safety by trying to control you and the way you behave because i'm the one that's not safe.

1:04:34You know, so I was talking to a girlfriend in Mexico that she was telling me, you know, I feel very insecure about my boyfriend's ex-girlfriends because they've all been so much more beautiful than I am. And she was asking for my advice. And I was like, okay, well, tell me more about this. She's like, yeah, you know, the other day I felt really anxious because we were going to go to this party and one of the exes was going to be there and and then it so happened to be that I was going to go to you know she had something to do that day so she couldn't go to the party but it was a work party so he had to go no matter what.

1:05:15So he was going to be there and his ex was going to be there and so then she was feeling so insecure because what if the spark comes to life again right and she was like and I don't feel safe and so and I understand the feeling you know I can understand the feeling because I have felt like that in the past before I did a lot of work in therapy and and healed a lot of my inner childhood wounds um but that's why it makes me I understand the feeling and I said so so what what do you want to do well I'm thinking about counseling all these things that I have for work so then I can go to the party so then therefore you can be there so you can control and you can see what's happening so that therefore you can feel safe, right?

1:06:00Yes. I said, well, let's look at what's behind that safety. Like, why is it that you don't feel safe? You know, what is it? Well, I don't know. I think, have you ever thought about the possibility that it has to do with, it's just like, it's just that I love him very much. I said, yes, you do. And you're a wonderful woman, but perhaps you are controlling. And there's no way you can control what he does and when he does it or how he does it ever the only thing you can control is yourself that's the only thing you can do in your life in anything because because the beauty about human beings is that are non-controllable and because your man is non-controllable is why you take care of it every day you invest in it you invest in him every day and if he was went to this party alone and had a spark with his ex-girlfriend or whatever, then it probably doesn't mean he was the right guy for you.

1:06:58If he's going to get so easily sparked from one conversation and think, ah, I want to go be with this person, then you don't want to be with someone who's not committed and investing in the relationship or who's easily persuaded somewhere else. That easily from one conversation. Then you save yourself a lot of time. Yes. Because then that that guy would eventually do that it would exactly and so but but i wanted to go deeper yeah and i wanted to say okay so but let's go seriously let's find what's going on underneath like why do you feel so insecure about your guys's axis because they were all supermodels right okay but what so what's underneath and she finally got it and she goes it's just that i feel like i'm not enough.

1:07:42So I said, okay, so what part of you is trying to control your man because you feel you are not enough? So what's going to happen is you're going to continue to act this jealous, you know, because she behaves like she's jealous, a jealous person, right? So she behaves controlling and she's insecure and she's asking him all the questions every day. What do you do? Who do you do it with what happens all the time and what's gonna end up happening is is that your guy is gonna start sensing that every day or almost every day you are not happy and a man and you tell me if I'm wrong but a guy is wired to want to make you feel happy to want to make you feel great they want to make you be in your feminine energy joyful you know like loving nurturing all these different things and when he sees that you're upset at him or that you're upset because it's something he's gonna want to try to make you happy and then the next day that you cannot control the next thing that you cannot control happens the next day so what's gonna happen to that guy you tell me he's gonna try to make her happy of course and he's gonna what's gonna happen he's gonna start getting more and more frustrated if you're never happy he's gonna feel like he's failing in the relationship.

1:09:02He's failing because he's wired to make you want to be happy. So he will feel he's failing. He will make it about himself. I am not good enough for her. Right. I'm not enough. She's never happy. I don't know what I need to do to make her happy. I give her this. I buy her this. I take care of this. I call her 20 times a day and she's still not happy. It's because it's never enough. Exactly. And when the reality is that you feel you are not enough and no matter what your boyfriend will do to try to make you happy if you don't feel you are enough i mean it's just it just becomes exhausting insecurity and jealousy will ruin a relationship long term maybe in the beginning it seems like cute or like oh this person really cares about me they're like jealous or whatever or they're a little like worried or insecure or something that might seem cute in the first few months but it becomes exhausting yeah over time because you start to say i give this person over and over again i'm investing in them i'm giving to them i'm writing them love letters i tell them how sweet they are i'm buying them flowers whatever it is and they still get jealous and insecure what will it take to get them to not be jealous and secure nothing from the person they need to learn how to be inside complete and safe and secure with who they are in the relationship yeah and that's why you've really got to ask yourself do we align do we match um questions the big questions right and how to ask them because you know again you don't want to scare the guy and say uh do you see yourself you say you ask them like this do you because you're getting to know him right so you don't see your you don't see marrying that guy if you're sane really you don't fall in love in two days in two days so you're getting to know this guy and so you don't say that you say do you see yourself married in the future one day yeah in the future yeah did you see yourself with kids in the future not with me no not with you you don't have the wedding dress in your trunk yeah no so do you see yourself yeah i think that's interesting yeah you asked a lot of good questions early on and one of them was you asked me that question like do you see yourself getting married and having kids and i remember being like well I'm going to be honest because I haven't felt 100 % sure in the past but it's because I didn't feel safe in relationships and I always felt trapped or I felt like could I really trust this person long term in you know and it was all from a wound of my parents and stuff like that but you asked it in a way like was curiosity do you see yourself doing this and I said and I was honest I was like well I haven't fully but yes I see with the right environment and the right partner where I feel safe, where I feel free in a relationship to be myself.

1:11:48Exactly. And based on that, you were like, okay, yeah, that makes sense. But me saying, well, I haven't really fully felt that in the past didn't scare you. No. You were like, okay, that's information about he didn't have the right partnerships, but it doesn't mean he's not against it. Exactly. If I would have said like, no, I never want kids and never want marriage, that's not for me. You probably would have said, okay, great. Well, this isn't the right relationship. You're a great friend. I actually remember the conversation because it was like, we had many different conversations. There was one that I remember, how was it?

1:12:20I remember saying to you something. That was one of the first ones. I'm going to ask you, I said, I'm going to ask you two questions. I remember. And depending on the answer, we can continue, you know, seeing each other romantically, or we're just going to be great friends. And by the way, it's going to be an amazing, like amazing friendship. I remember that because the way we were getting to know each other, it was not with the goal of… No, it was exploring and having fun and connecting. It was exploring. Yeah, exactly. It was fun and freeing and just like exploring each other as human beings.

1:12:53Yeah. It was beautiful. And you asked me that question and I remember thinking, oh, shoot, what is she going to ask me? And you were like, do you see yourself… You were like, based on this answer, we may not essentially hang out in the same way anymore. We've been, I don't know, hanging out for a little bit. A month and a half. Like a month and a half or something like that, yeah. And I was like, oh, man. I kind of got sad because I was like, oh, shoot. I don't even know if I want you to ask me this question because I didn't want to lie to you. I know, but it was important for me to be honest.

1:13:19I remember thinking like, maybe tell me this tomorrow. Let's just enjoy the night. Let's just hang out and not spoil the moment. And I remember it was kind of sad because I was like, oh, shoot. I want to be 100 % authentic to who I am. and hopefully she's not going to ask me something where I'm saying the truth and my truth and she's like that's not what I want and we'll have to stop this and that's a scary thing for a lot of people and I think it takes a lot of courage to say oh man here's an amazing human being that's in front of me that we've had this great month or two weeks or six weeks so much fun and I don't want this to end and so then sometimes people will give in to make the the joy and the fun and the excitement continue they'll give in or they'll hide some things or hold back on some of the truth because they don't want to let the person down but they're doing a disservice to themselves yeah and yeah they're abandoning themselves and the relationship and the future is going to make it harder because then you got to deal with the truth at some point because it's going to come out and after a year two years whatever eventually it's going to come out yeah um and that and if it comes out sooner if it comes out early sometimes people can can manage the truth earlier because of the authenticity of it yeah unless it's a deal breaker on something like kids and marriage but if they were like huh i didn't like that this thing happened but they were honest about it early on they can say i respect that i respect it maybe maybe if you would have held this in a year and told me then it's a deal breaker but can you imagine the anxiety like not asking these questions until a year after oh that'd be crazy well that's what most people do exactly they wait because they don't want to ruffle the feathers and so you asked me that and i told you yes with the right person and the right foundation and you know and i can't commit to that right now knowing you for no you didn't because we didn't make you didn't make it about me right but i was just like i wouldn't be able to do this unless i had time and energy and like really exploring someone for a period of time where I felt safe and free to be authentically me and not judged or made wrong.

1:15:25And for me, that answer was great because I've, in my experience of life, I have felt not safe to have children with other people. Yeah. So that makes sense to me. Yeah, exactly. Because it's similar to my answer. Exactly. You asked me a number of questions early on where I was like, okay, I'm going to be fully authentic and honest, but we may not be friends anymore or be in this relationship anymore um and one of them was lewis what's your priorities it was like a conversation around priorities in life oh yeah and and you said something like it was it was like this go ahead we were talking about in general about you know this thing about how some people are not completely honest and they if they're not honest then later the honest you know the whatever the truth comes out and about truths we were talking about truths and I was telling you that I was loving how authentic you are yes and that's amazing for me it was like the way you show up to our relationships and the way you show up to people and the way you show up in life you're so authentic and I love that and so you said well I'm gonna tell you something that I think this one is really well you also said you also said what's your priorities in life you asked me a question about priorities what's your priorities in life and I'll tell you why that one was important.

1:16:46And I was like oh shoot I didn't want this question to happen right now. Go ahead. And then you said. Well why did you ask this question? Why was it important for you? So this question was very important for me because in the past I had been in relationships in which how do I explain this? You know this I'm an actor I'm a producer. I'm a writer. I read my first inspirational book when I was nine years old. And then the second one at nine years old, the third one at nine years old, I was like into all of that world and wanted to. So very early in my life, I found my burning desire. I knew very early in my life that I wanted to be an actor and that I wanted to eventually make movies and so then whenever I started dating my first boyfriend I would ask you know what is your burden and desire what is that thing that you wake up in the morning and you just have to do just really have to do it because it makes you feel great and it makes you feel in service or it makes you feeling you know whatever that is and in the past I've had relationships in which they would say you and i would say don't tell me that yeah don't tell me it's me because that's a huge responsibility yeah and this is being coached by my mom right i was 15 and asking these questions because my mom always said if a guy tells you this that's not necessarily the best this is a huge responsibility so i would ask this and when they would say you i would feel there was something wrong right so then i asked you that question you asked me yeah you asked me like i don't remember when this was maybe two months in i don't know what was it kind of around this probably yeah around this time two months of like dating yeah and also i wanted to say and then or if they say i don't know for me what my burning desire your dream is your that thing that you need to do that you were here for if they would say I don't know for me I learned in my experience that I broke up with one of my boyfriends my we kind of broke up together it wasn't like I broke up with him because I was acting and doing my thing and he was like I just I don't have my thing and I don't know what that is that's hard yeah it's hard so you asked me this question you know what are your priorities and um i remember saying to you at this point i was like well based on what i'm going to say i don't know if you're going to want to date me after this so it's kind of you said this already in previous conversation about like marriage and kids do i see myself in the future around this and then this was maybe a few weeks later about priorities and i go shoot did you have to ask me this because i gotta be honest i don't want to be inauthentic i want to be full integrity but i've never experienced a person before where i told them my priorities and they felt good about it they didn't feel good and so therefore i felt i was failing because they were not happy okay and so when i told you they were not happy they were not happy with my priorities yes and we do your with your truth my truth of my priorities which is crazy to think so i felt like okay well let me minimize my priorities so you feel better about the relationship anyways so you asked me the priorities question the big question that every man hears at some point from a woman they're dating what are your priorities and I said I'm going to tell you but I don't think you're like this and I don't think you can handle the truth are you sure you want the truth I said something like that yeah and you said yeah I wanted the truth I go you sure I think I asked you like three or four times are you sure your truth was the most valuable thing you said please and I go I just don't know if you'll be able to accept it and you're not going like me i'm thinking crazy i know what's he like yeah exactly um and i said okay well my number one priority in life is my health and and making sure i take time and importance to take care of my health first the spiritual mental physical emotional everything and making sure that i have time during the day to do that for me that doesn't mean i need 10 hours a day of my health but i need to invest time daily in this and if I feel like that's being pulled away from me or not supported then there's going to be a problem and I said no woman wants to hear that they're not the number one priority at least from my experience no woman wants to not except for me be the number one priority yeah and then I said and you're not going to be the number two priority but let me give you context so people don't take this out of context said number two priority needs to be my mission the thing that I'm driven to do, the thing that lights me up, the thing that I feel I'm called from my creator to bring out in the world, my creation, my service, my mission.

1:21:49And right now, I've got a big mission. Maybe that changes in the future into a different season of life, but that's not changing anytime soon. That needs to be a huge focus of time and energy towards that. And I don't want to be pulled away from it because in the past I had been pulled away. I'm not blaming other people. I allowed those people to pull me away from it, but I felt like I had to pull away to make someone feel happier. And so I was like, I don't want to live in authentically anymore. I'm going to spend a lot of my time and energy on my mission. And I was very clear on what my mission was for you.

1:22:26And I said, no woman wants to hear they're not the number one or two priority. And then I said, and then I said, and then I said, my third priority, This was before we were like committed or exclusive in a relationship. And I was like, my third priority will be my partner and investing time and energy in my partner and making sure that they are a top priority. But if number one and two is taken care of and supported and seen and celebrated, my partner will feel like the number one priority. They will feel like the most important thing. They will feel they have everything they need. And I think that's the context I want to create for people.

1:23:04It's taking care of my health and energy first so I have more energy to take care of the thing that lights me up the most, the mission that I feel called to do. And from there, then I can be very joyful and present and giving and creative and fun and all these things when we're together. And I can feel peace taking care of my health and a peace when I'm at my work. And I don't have to feel stress that you need me for something. And when I said that, how did that conversation make you feel when I said these things about priorities? For me, well, specifically for me, for me, it made me feel good because I was like, oh, my God, this is amazing to me.

1:23:48Because, again, going back to if you are that guy's number one priority, it's a huge responsibility. it's almost like saying you know that that thing like you complete me or i want to make you happy and like you don't make me happy louis you make me happier it's true it's true you make me super happy so that's what like you know what i mean it's like so for me it's because if the other person fails you and it was your number one priority or you do something that some whatever crushes their heart or something the whole world collapses yes so it cannot for me again this is for me there are all types of different models and paradigms but in the paradigm that i'm in it's not necessarily that romantic it's not the things that you hear in movies like if you in a movie in a romantic comedy you hear a guy saying you're not going to be my number one priority you're not my two you're gonna be my third that's not romantic that's like that's this sounds almost anti-romantic but it sounds very healthy it does sound healthy it's super healthy because then i know for a fact if you're not taking care of yourself how can you take care of me it's like in the airplane right if you don't take your mask and breathe how are you going to give your mask to your children and i think and i think there's i think there's a lot of women uh who have lived by this role of like making everyone else the priority first you see them you see you know certain married women who have husbands and children where they put their husband and their kids before them and before their own you know passions or dreams as well and so they quiet their voice they quiet their dreams to serve others only and a big part of fulfillment is in service to other people it's one of my core things is being a service yeah to my team to my mission my friends my family and to you and you are but but it's of course i'm a witness to it but if i discount my own service to my health and discount service to my dreams then i'm not going to be i'm going to lose my voice i'm going to lose my health and i'm not going to be as authentic or i'm not going to be as attractive in life as a human being, not in a sexual term, but in an attractive wholeness term, because I'm not going to be as healthy.

1:26:20I'm going to feel like I'm discounting myself and just giving to everyone else. So in some ways, there's an appreciation from others, but if you're not giving to yourself what you need and from your creator, what you feel like you need to do in life right now, then you're doing a disservice to you. And I think that becomes less attractive over time. And that's where you see challenges in relationships after a long time. Oh, she's a great mother, but she doesn't take care of herself and she just abans herself to give to everyone else, but then she becomes less attractive. Or he, you know, something like that.

1:26:55My parents have a beautiful way to put this that I learned. They say we are two individuals that we chose to share our lives together, right? So my mom is her whole self, my dad is her whole self, and they decided to share their lives together. Once they share their lives together, they call it the pyramid model. So they say God is above, all the way, and it's the thread that's through the entire pyramid. You and I, meaning mom and dad, are the top of this pyramid. They're the top of this. And so we come first to each other in that. But we already address the individual part. You, your health, your purpose, mission, your partner, right?

1:27:45Now we're together. And so then comes the kids. Then comes the family, the rest of the - The dogs, the pets. The dogs, the pets, the family. Then whatever, the extended family. Then the friends. Then the community. So it starts getting bigger and bigger because it includes more and more and more people. But a lot of people have disagreements in a relationship because the husband or the wife put the kids first. What happens when you put the kids before your partner? A lot of resentment gets built. And also you're not necessarily giving a good example to the children because what happens is you start creating teams.

1:28:25So like, you know, that parent that says, hey, don't tell your mom, but we're going to do this thing. You can't do that. Because you're saying your dad or your mom, your mom is not as important. I'm the one that's the good guy. And inside that little brain, you create a fracture little by little. Or speaking badly about your partner to your children, you start fracturing their personality. Right. It's a good thing you're going to be disciplining the kids. Just kidding. I'm just going to be the fun one that does no disciplining. But I think it's a good model. because, and we've discussed it many, many times.

1:29:04Yes. But again, these conversations are very good to have when you're getting to know the other person. You know, what are your thoughts about spirituality, religion? What are your thoughts about politics? What are your thoughts about, and most people say, don't bring that up because you create arguments. By all means, bring it up. Because the least of these disagreements you have, the more, you know what I'm going to say? Yeah, yeah. Well, I just think it's... Like 80 % of the success is who you choose, right? Of the relationship. Yeah, and I think if you can choose alignment in the beginning or get everything out on the table earlier than later and say, do we align?

1:29:45And if you don't, can you say, do I accept? And if I accept, knowing this is who they're going to be forever, do I align with accepting that? And maybe they don't want to raise kids a certain way. And that's out of alignment with your values. But could you see it from their perspective and say, okay, it's not what I truly want, but I'm willing to accept this. Because I see 80 % of everything else is so beautiful that this one thing, maybe it's more of a control thing. Or maybe it's a thing that I was just raised with that I felt like I wanted to do. But I'm okay with letting the control go on this one thing.

1:30:23and can I accept her or him that this may be how it always is and am I okay with that and if I'm not okay with that then maybe you're not the right match and that's okay too but that's hard once you've found a connection and you know some certain kind of abilities and chemistry with someone it's hard to be like well maybe I'm going to walk away or can you create agreements so I been blessed that we have a lot of alignment yeah then we've also had a lot of acceptance we're fully accepting of certain things that you were raised in certain ways that i wasn't and we had some things we were very similar and i accept it and i think you accept me for not needing to be a certain way that you were growing up or something yeah and then we've also created a lot of agreements around any things that could be misunderstandings or potential frustrations in the future or potential arguments.

1:31:22Because they're going to happen. Yeah, and we create agreements consistently. So I think first seeing are you in alignment, then seeing can you create acceptance if there's something you don't want, can you accept them? If not, can you create agreements to support how you're going to address something that's not in total alignment? And when you can do those, I feel like you can create much more harmony in the relationship. I love our agreements. And we're constantly creating agreements. You know, like the other day, I made a phone call about some trip that I wanted to do that you were aware of, but you were not aware of that.

1:31:57I literally got on the phone at that one moment. Right. And you kind of felt like I threw you under the bus because you didn't know who you were talking to. But at the same time, you needed to support me in the phone call. And and after the whole conversation happened and we hung up, I was like, oops, it's true. and I was like oh maybe we can make the agreement that you're like I want to support you to succeed you said this but if I'm in the dark and I don't know what I'm talking about just give me context before you make a call really quick because you're excited and it totally makes sense right so then to me it's like but you start making this agreement that's an agreement we don't talk about anything deep or intense or anything after like 11 p.m.

1:32:44Yeah. Really. Specifically when we get in bed. Yeah. Because I cannot be my best self and therefore it's going to take so much energy for me to be focused and present and I'm setting myself up for failure. So I want to be present for you in challenging or maybe like uncomfortable conversations but when I'm exhausted and put my head down and I'm already thinking about sleep, I don't want to have to wake back up to be present. So we made that early on. Yeah, and it's a great agreement. Yeah. Because quite frankly, my brain also doesn't work that well. Although I feel like the female brain is really good.

1:33:16Sometimes women want to just talk all night and like, I have this and this and this and this. And I'm like, I can't think right now. That's why I said I think my brain. Because us women probably, we kind of collect data in a different way. Ruminate differently. We do. But I'm like, I can't ruminate after a certain hour. No. Especially when I've already winded down. So it's really like, yeah, it's, you know, it's creating agreements with flexibility. And I think that's beautiful. One of the things I wanted to address in this interview, in this conversation with you, is about how you feel about the concept of love not being enough to make a relationship work, one thing.

1:33:54Also, boundaries we should set in relationships with ourselves and with others. also what people misunderstand about a shared vision for a relationship also how to navigate wait a second also how to face obstacles in relationships in a conscious way and so many more of the things that i want to talk about but we don't have more time no we don't so i want to know if you guys want to hear more about this in another episode leave a comment below on this YouTube video or on the podcast on audio send a message over on Instagram and say yes below in the comments if you want a part two about love relationships intimacy and all things on on all these things I was just asking about if you want me to ask Martha these questions and if you want us to talk about them leave a comment yes below if you want us to do a part two so if you're really interested leave a yes if you're not maybe we want to do a part two but if you want to know the answers to these things go ahead and talk about that um i also want to talk in the future about how you've manifested so much in your career and in your life and how you have a lot created the ability to dream so big and then make reality of these dreams because i think you're one of the best at doing this and so many other things that i want to talk about um so again if you want to hear this or watch this leave a yes below and let us know uh also make sure to watch the movie coming out you're in the movie have you told them you're in the movie i haven't told them i haven't told them why i kind of a little bit at the beginning i'm in the movie uh so you'll have to let me let me know hopefully i make the final cut we'll see what happens yeah you did i know the producer yeah exactly so you'll have to let me know what you guys think it's called queens on the Run in English.

1:35:49If you're, you know, watching in Spanish, it's called Fuga de Reinas, which means Queens on the Run on Netflix. It's coming out early to mid-April, so make sure to be tuned for that. Check that out. Follow Martha Igareda on Instagram, on TikTok, on Facebook. Martha has an incredible two incredible shows uh in spanish on youtube and on audio so we'll have that linked up in the subscription the description below um so make sure you guys check those out you can click on those it's really inspiring stuff so if you are a spanish speaker by native tongue go listen and watch that because it's really powerful and the people you bring on is really inspiring very Very inspiring.

1:36:37A lot of therapists, a lot of, you know, again, same, like a similar thing. Right. Isn't that funny? Because I was doing that before we met. Yeah. And we went, wait, what? I know. Very beautiful. It was amazing. So make sure you guys check those out. One of them is called Infinitos, which is one that Martha does solo with different guests. And the other one is called De Todo Un Mucho. Muy bien, Espanol. De Todo Un Mucho. He's going to be speaking Spanish. I know. That's me. my intention si vamos habla poquito español si vamos and so check out both of those shows also if you just go on Netflix or Apple TV or Amazon and you just type in your name Martha y Gareda you can see all the past movies that she's done you can find them kind of on all the streamers there's different ones on different streamers so check them out if you're Spanish speaking or if you want subtitles in English they have them as well but some amazing movies.

1:37:36I haven't even seen them all. There's over 40 movies you've done. You're amazing in Altered Carbon, which is where I first found out about you, which is an English TV show. But other than that, I am so grateful for you. I appreciate you very much. I love you very much. I'm so grateful for you. I feel... I feel this table is too big. It's too far apart. I feel awkward because I'm not holding your hands this whole time. But I'm so grateful for you. I love you. I'm so grateful for the joy, the peace that you bring in my life. And I'm so glad that we got to start this conversation on the podcast. And I really acknowledge you for teaching me about love in a beautiful way, for showing me that love is really about acceptance.

1:38:21And love is about celebrating all of you, not just parts of you that are good, but all of you. So thank you for celebrating all of me and accepting all of me. I love you. I appreciate you I'm so grateful for you for waking up every morning and living a dream that I get to see you smile and kiss me and hug me it's a dream and so thank you for being in my life and for teaching me about love in a way that I've never felt before I'm very grateful for you I love you so much thank you I still feel like I should be next to you kissing you and hugging you but thank you very much I'm very grateful and I can't wait to continue to share what we're learning with people here about relationships, and really about the relationship each one of us gets to have with ourselves and how to heal and grow and step into a better version of ourselves.

1:39:17So I want people to follow you, check you out, subscribe everywhere, and I'm going to ask you your three truths and your definition of greatness. So what would be your three truths? For that, I just wanted to say that I'm so, so grateful to experience love with you in the way you love, in the way you show up. You're incredible to me. And you're so unique. And I love you not because you are, you know, an incredible partner and you do all these things and you go beyond your way to make me feel like I'm the number one priority. But because you are unique. and your uniqueness is what fills my heart with even more joy and even more happiness and I wake up every morning when people don't know this obviously but I wake up every morning sometimes I wake up before you and then I go what is he gonna say you know what is he gonna share like what is the adventure and that's the thing that life is an adventure you know that that's one of my favorite phrases.

1:40:30And every day you go in your mission, you go explore the world, you go conquer, you do share, you go in service. That's what you do. And when you come back home, I'm excited to see you and excited to hear what you have to share. I'm excited to share what is happening in my world. And because I know, how do I explain this? That life, if there's a certainty, is that life is uncertain. And because life is uncertain, it's because I take care of our relationship every day. And having the freedom to be me, and hopefully you feel the freedom to be you, is one of the biggest gifts we can give each other.

1:41:17Yeah. Te amo. Te amo. Muchísimo. Muchísimo. Okay. Well, what's your three truths? If all you could share are three lessons with the world. Oh, my God. And all of your content was erased, movies were gone, this interview was gone. What would you say are three lessons you would share with the world of three truths? Wow. One would be that it's anything that you do, if you do it in service of others, whereas it's your family, whereas it's your friends, whereas it's your community, anything that you do in service of others comes from that real, authentic you. that you that knows that we are here not just for ourselves but to serve and to leave a world that is to leave the world better than how we found it and so in anything you want to manifest in life if you just don't do it just because of you but if you do it because you're serving another person another human being the fastest you will manifest into your life it's almost like the universe says like says oh you get it you get it that it's not just about you it's about others so I think that would be one another one what it would be this idea that we have of success I was you know I'm very close to my father and he was doing the garden and I had this conversation when I was probably like 12 years old and I said to him, Dad, what is success?

1:43:09And he said, this moment right now. Me looking at you and the way the sun, because he's a painter, so he's always looking at how things look. How the sun rays are landing on your hair and how I'm at this moment just cutting this bush and I'm having in this moment, for me, that is success. So we don't know about tomorrow. We may have all these different dreams and all these different plans and all these different visions of what we want to accomplish, what we want to do. But that one moment is that I'm being successful right now. The third one would be don't die with your music in you. and this is not mine but it's something that I heard that when you who is a story about a guy who's very very old he's just about to die and he's in his deathbed and he is very regretful because he says I had all these melodies that were playing in my head he was a musician I have all these melodies that I never, never got to write.

1:44:27And here I am leaving this world and nobody will be able to listen to all the music that lived in my heart. So I think that's a very beautiful, very important lesson for every one of us. Whatever it is that it is your purpose or your mission or the thing that just likes you the most, whereas is being with your family and being present with them, or whereas is being a dancer, whereas is writing that book, don't die with your music in you. Okay, love those. And what's your definition of greatness? My definition of greatness is

1:45:15being in the moment, being loved, being in service, and just enjoying the ride. I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast. If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels at Lewis Howes.

1:45:56I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better. And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter. And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.