Stop Living by Your Preferences and Start Living Your Vision | Brendon Burchard

26:59The way that you handle current responsibilities and obligations is probably not the way your future best self would. Yes. So clarity is going, okay, future best self, aspirational Brendan, how are you going to deal with this argument with your spouse? How are you going to deal with the insecurity at the event? How are you going to deal with this? So again, intention is acting from the aspirational self versus just the preference now. My preference is I'm not even going to open up the bills because guess what? I know what's in them. So I'm going to stack the bills over in the corner and I'm going to avoid them.

27:33That's my preference. A lot of people's preference in life is avoidance, not assertiveness. And so they've avoided and avoided, avoided. They've avoided themselves into deeper holes. The priority have to shift into an assertive lean into the future and say, how do I want to handle problems? You know, when my competitor lines up next to me on the block, that's a responsibility. How do I want to handle that? when i gotta pay the bills when i gotta turn on the camera and i don't feel like it i mean i would love to hear how you feel about this because i'm sure a million times you've turned on one of the cameras and you just you know you're on day five of filming your 17th guest and your eyes are bugging out a little bit like but they traveled to see you you got millions of people watching

28:21Lewis Howes:you you have a responsibility to get on yeah even though you might want to turn off so how do you do it it's funny i was just telling caroline before you came in here i was like you know this will be in less than two weeks so it'll be 13 years of doing the podcast every single week cheers brother come on man you're such a 13 years every single week three times a week for the last 10 or 11 years wow it was once a week for the first year then twice a week then third uh three times a week for the last 10 or 11 years and i was just telling her i was like sometimes in the afternoon if i've got multiple interviews i've got to recalibrate shift the energy because i'm training for my olympic dream in the morning hard with a trainer and so i'm getting up and i'm pushing my body then i'm with my twins and my wife you know then i i gotta be on the whole rest of the day i was telling her i was like pro athletes they train really hard but then they're kind of like they're they have a lot of downtime too right you can only train for so many hours and then like you're recovering you're resting you're playing video games you're just hanging out with your friends whatever it is your family but you're not on all the time unless you're playing a game or a practice yeah i'm training for an olympic sport and then i'm on the rest of the day i've got to shave every day i've got to do my hair i've got to put myself together i've got to be presentable yeah to then deliver value to the audience and to my guests and be present.

29:51Lewis Howes:And Matt always jokes about it, but he goes, it's not hard sitting there and asking someone questions. You know, he always says this as a joke. And I'm like, but when you're giving your full time and attention and presence. Intellectually, it is so hard. It's like mentally. Like, and you do it two or three times a day after you've trained, you know, in the morning. And I've seen you, I mean, I've watched you this whole time and you know these little things about them. So you've done your homework, you've done your research and you're bringing that. So intellectually, you're so engaged. Yes. That's tiring.

30:17Lewis Howes:Yeah, it can be. but I have to constantly stay focused on the vision. And this is why every week we talk about guys, our mission is to reach and serve a hundred million lives weekly. Why? Because this is meaningful work for us. And if we're going to do something to make money, why don't we make it meaningful? Why don't we change lives? Why don't we impact people's lives and better people? Why don't we do something where we get to learn also and help other people? Like, yeah, what a gift, you know, at least that's how I see it. And I'm like, even if I had all the money in the world, I'd still want to do some type of format of this helping others yeah what a gift and so it's um it's a constant reminder and it's it's shifting priorities like you said I have had to cut back on like I don't go out at night I don't go to parties or dinners or these things like I come home I see my kids now I see my wife I recover and recharge and relax and because I know I got to prepare for the next day and I got to show up again the next day, early morning training hard and have the energy to do what I'm doing next day, which is being on camera most of the time.

31:26Lewis Howes:And so it's, it's making sure my priorities have to shift in order to reach new levels of performance. And whereas I used to say yes to meetings all the time and do lunch meetings and dinner meetings and, you know, networking, I don't do that anymore. Right. Once in a blue moon, And if there's like something special, like, okay, I really plan it, but it's not, yeah, let's go hang out tonight or this and that. It's like my priorities change to serve the goals that I want to create. And it's, it's not my nature. You know, I wish I could just kind of show up and not shave and not do my hair and wear sweatpants, but, uh, I have to shift my preferences based on the priorities.

32:07Lewis Howes:That's right. Yeah. Yeah. And you've got, I want to acknowledge Lewis and everyone here this because when we're when we talk about responsibilities, people often think that those are things that people don't want. High performers want responsibilities. And the difference is they choose their responsibilities and they choose how to show up for them. So they prioritize things that shouldn't be responsibilities. Like, hey, let me delegate this. Let me not go out to those dinners. So part of the responsibility set, like when your aspirational self, I always tell people, it's like, it's not just how does your aspirational self handle difficult responsibilities.

32:47It's what responsibilities did the great you in the future choose and how do they show up for them? You chose kids. Yes. You chose. Uh-huh. Yeah. That's

32:59Lewis Howes:amazing. I chose it. Yeah. Yeah. So how do you show up for them? Right. That's. It's interesting you say this because as you're saying this, I'm 42 and I just went back to my 20 years ago, a 22 in my mind and I can remember where I'm at and, you know, I'm finishing college, dreaming of playing professional football and also dreaming of like, how am I going to make money in this world? You know, what's my future going to look like? And I don't want to be living off my parents or lived on my sister's couch, which I ended up doing. And I don't want to be struggling in my life. I want to have this future where I have a beautiful home, a beautiful wife, a beautiful family, a mission that I love.

33:37Lewis Howes:I want to have this dream life. And I'm living the dreams of my 22 year old self, right? I'm living it every single day. And I think it's a responsibility to continue to show up for that 22 version of me that had that dream. I get chills thinking about it because it's like, I love this. And we have to remind ourselves that this pressure is a privilege at this season of life when we have been creating the life of our dreams that our younger self couldn't even imagine. or maybe we imagined it, but we had no clue when or how it was going to happen. I had no clue when or how this life would happen today.

34:17Lewis Howes:And I'm freaking living it. Yeah. It's incredible. It's so incredible. And it's something to have a responsibility of appreciation for what we've been given. And then also to reprioritize, like you said, like, okay, maybe if you're feeling overwhelmed or stressed, you've got to delegate things differently. And you have to think about what are only the things that you should be doing. Don't take on everything. take on less but do it better you know what i mean so it's we were talking about this off camera too is like you know i'm trying to go more all in on building my personal brand but that means i gotta let go these other things i've been doing that's not going to help me with my time and energy right so it's it's constantly shifting priorities based on the season of life we're in yes i think it's so important people hear us talking this way about responsibilities because i love that i love what you just shared it's like a lot of your responsibilities are a privilege yeah you got to take the kids to school yeah he used to dream of having the kids exactly you know i work with this guy uh you know big financial guy and the other maybe this is like two weeks ago he's complaining so much about having to do all this you know basically financial diligence i was like do you remember when it was just a checkbook yeah yeah yeah and you were just trying to round out a few zeros to make an extra 10, 20, 30, 50 bucks.

35:34Like, bro, this responsibility to do this diligence for your investors, what a privilege. Reset to that, man. Look at the life you have now. Yes. Because of this responsibility. And I would just say, and this is very controversial, but I don't care. I believe that high performers and people of greatness and people of excellence, they view responsibility as a positive thing. And when you are underperforming and when you are selfish, and when you just have not done as much personal empowerment, every frustration, inconvenience, obligation, and responsibility looks negative. Where other people go, I can't wait to do that well and show the kids that it can be done well.

36:20I can't wait to do that well and show my teammate I can do it well. I can't wait to take on the challenges and responsibilities of life as a mature, competent, capable adult who's doing job one managing me. I can't wait to see how I perform at the Olympics. I can't wait to see how I perform when they're faster. I can't wait to see how I show up when I'm 30 points down, bro. Those guys, they eat it up. The great people eat that

36:48Lewis Howes:responsibility of greatness up they like it it's interesting something else is coming up for me there's been two moments in the last six years can you believe it's been six years since covid oh yeah in two months by the time of us recording this it'll be six years since covid hit but when covid hit because i got into i guess the the working world around 2008 2009 right like in the middle of the housing crash. And so I was sleeping on my sister's couch, 2007 to 2009, and they weren't hiring at that time. And the economy was crashing and it was like, you know, they weren't hiring some, you know, college football bum who played arena football and broke his arm.

37:32Lewis Howes:And I had no skills. I had no education really. They weren't hiring people with master's degrees, let alone someone who barely graduated college. And I remember feeling so helpless and so like powerless because i was like i don't have any control it doesn't feel like i have any control on how to get off my sister's couch how to make a living and how to get out of debt it just felt powerless i was like what do i do and i remember i was like i never want to have this feeling again so as i started earning finally learning how to earn money through having mentors and working hard and all the stuff i've talked about i remember saying i never when there's another crisis I want to be ready.

38:12Lewis Howes:Like I want to be ready, whether that's having the right investment strategy, the right savings, the right whatever. So there's something, when something happens, I'm ready. Yes. When COVID hit, like you said, I wasn't excited, but I was like, I have been staying ready. So I don't need to get ready for this moment. And this is a nightmare for the world, obviously. And it's not fun. And there's a lot of sadness happening and loss of life, but I am ready for this moment. Like I'm ready to take on the challenge of what's being thrown my way. I love it. And I felt like we, myself and my team, we thrived in that season.

38:49Lewis Howes:You know, that my personal relationship struggled and another relationship, you know, other stuff struggled, but I was ready for the business moment. Like I'd prepared for it. And the second moment that's coming up for me was in the last three months. you know i felt like last year i got married martha got pregnant and then we had twins within you know 10 months essentially and and you re-engaged the olympic and i re-engaged and all these different things right so it's taking on a lot and i remember thinking to myself for the last five years i'd been doing my own healing journey in intimacy and relationships to get me ready to get married.

39:31Lewis Howes:Like I felt like I've been doing the inner healing journey to create a new preference in relationships. That's right. New priorities to have different results and a different feeling that generated from the relationship. And I remember just thinking like, I need to be emotionally ready for marriage, for kids, because I have no clue what's coming. and it's been a beautiful journey and at the same time when Martha you know gave birth to our twins she had about six to eight weeks of extreme complications she went to the ER twice after coming back from the hospital she was losing the hospital three times within a month and there were some scary moments but I remember just thinking thank god I invested four five six years ago in emotional healing to be ready for this.

40:25Lewis Howes:It was extremely uncomfortable. It was challenging emotionally, spiritually, physically, all these things. And it was scary. But I was like, had I not trained myself to prepare for these moments of my future self stepping into marriage and kids while having to run a business, while having to do this, while training, while and keep everything going, there's no way I'd have been able to handle it well. I would have been reactive. I would have been, I can't handle this. I would have been broken down emotionally and spiritually and probably crumbled had I not invested years ago in staying ready. So I didn't need to get ready.

41:03Lewis Howes:And I think when we are able to have a vision of our future self that we want, it starts now in doing the actions and creating the habits and creating new preferences, like you talked about, which is owning responsibility. We don't like being responsible sometimes but owning it allows us to be ready for when it hits the fan you know it's like when crap happens yeah you may not handle it perfectly but you handle a lot better than if you didn't prepare for this yes you know so responsibility is a huge one i've seen that arc for you too yeah if i can just say it like as a friend i can share like as a friend watching you grow into the man from marta has been amazing and there's no way if if you and marta intersected five years earlier it would have been a mess and she always tells me that she goes god why didn't we meet each other 10 years ago no why didn't and i go because i wouldn't have been ready no and i would have blown it totally i would have ruined this and yeah like you didn't want to be with me.

42:09You had to do the work. And so everyone listening, I have a phrase. It's hard to hear, but I want you to think about the last three months and just tell you, again, I just want to refer to everyone. I'm a high performance coach. This is what I do for a career. In high performance coaching, we have this phrase, you're paid to push. So sometimes I say things that sounds flippant when someone clips it, they're like, oh, he's a jerk. And I'm like, I just say things because I think that this is true. if you look at your last three months i want to tell everybody listening you have been training to be able to handle your future dreams responsibilities

42:51Lewis Howes:or not yeah and how you've been training is it going to prepare you for it or you're not going to be prepared you're in training you're doing it now you are training how are you trying to overeat are you training to be mean are you training to disengage are you emotional yeah Yeah, exactly. You're training. And so I also think that's a really compelling thought for many people. It took me a long time to realize you don't have future dreams. You have future dreams and responsibilities that come with them. Yes. And so, for example, I knew in my business, you know, we have growth day and we serve people all around the world.

43:24And I said, you know, one day I'm going to have the software platform. We're going to serve people around the world. Well, I had that dream and I thought, actually, how does taxes work around the world? If I'm selling into Europe or Africa or Asia, how does that work? So I literally went and watched videos, hired a coach, an expert, went and studied a bunch of books and had to learn like, wow, how does that scale? Because I wanted to be earning tens and tens of millions. and you know this was this was long before you know one of our companies you know became a unicorn company it was like how does all that work i was looking at that 10 years ago it wouldn't it would be years until i sold you know millions and millions in all these other countries so i had to figure that out and because the dream is reach millions of people but there's also taxes team so responsibilities the question i'll go back to the of the of the point is you have to have clarity and aspirations for future self.

44:25And part of that is the feelings you want, start generating them now. Part of that is responsibilities. How would your future self handle your current responsibilities? That's FR. Before you go on there, I have a couple of other examples that I had there. Just throw one, please.

44:40Lewis Howes:I love this, by the way. One is early on, my mentor, Chris Hawker, I was broke on my sister's couch and I was like, I wonder if I'm going to make some money, but I've been working for maybe six to eight months. I wasn't really getting a breakthrough financially. I was just kind of struggling, barely getting by. And I was like, gosh, I just want to figure out how to make more money. Because when you are poor and broke and in debt and living off credit cards, it feels like you're suffocating. It feels like you can't breathe. I don't know if anyone can relate to that, but for me, that's how it felt for me.

45:10Lewis Howes:And if you don't know the solution on how to get financially out of that suffering, you're just grasping for anything. And I was like, gosh, I really want to make some money. I just don't know how to do it. And he said something that has stuck with me for the last 18 years. He was like, money comes to you when you're ready for it. And I was like, I feel pretty ready. These bills are so I'm ready. I feel ready for this. I respect it, I'm ready. But then, you know, maybe a year and a half, two years later, the reason it stuck with me is because I started to earn more money. And it started to come pretty quick after about a year and a half later.

45:44Lewis Howes:Like it started to accelerate once I kind of figured it out. And I remember reflecting back on that conversation. I go, gosh, just like if I met Martha 10 years prior, I wouldn't have been ready for it. I wasn't internally ready for it. If I started making all this money that I was making two years later, I probably would have blown it. I would have spent it on stupid stuff. I'd still feel scarce around it. I'd feel anxious around it. I wouldn't have the right energy and responsibility to it as when the time when I started to make it based on the things I shifted inside of me around it. and so that was one of them and one of the things I'm doing now is something my therapist a few years ago once I felt like I was got really resolved with certain things I needed to heal and I felt like I integrated a lot of the lessons and I was taking the actions and I felt like man I really feel peaceful doesn't mean I'm perfect or I still have challenges but I felt like eternally peaceful she'd be like what do you want to talk about this week and I was like gosh I just feel so good.

46:47Lewis Howes:I feel good all the time. But I was like, what are the problems that your 60, 70-year-old successful male clients have? She's like, a lot of the problems are they make mistakes in their marriages, or they worked so hard for 40 years that they weren't there for their kids, and they don't have a relationship with their kids. And they're kind of just like, they've messed up their life, their family, their marriage, their kids. I was like, oh, I don't want that. And I've heard so many great, wise, older men say that success in their 50s, 60s, and 70s is their adult children wanting to hang out with them.

47:26Lewis Howes:Love that. Not because they have money, but want to spend time with them just because. And I was like, yeah, that would be a beautiful future self, right? And this was before I had kids. I was like, who do I need to be? Yes. to emotionally handle and navigate the emotions and ups and downs of children in the world and what they need and how can I best prepare myself? So I'm training now for my daughters to be teenagers. It's like they're a couple months old, but I'm training like what am I need to learn so that when they're two years old, six years old, 10 years old, what are the things that happen around those ages?

48:06Lewis Howes:How do I navigate those things now emotionally so that I'm ready for it? And I think that's what high performers also do is they're seeing the future that they want to, you know, I want to go to the Olympics. I want to create this in my business. I want to have a beautiful family. And they're training now for something that won't pay off for years or if not decades. They're doing the emotional training now, the skill training, the development, whatever it is, for something that won't pay dividends for a long time. It's absolutely right. Right? It's absolutely right. I can see that's one reason we're huge friends.

48:40Yeah. And for those listening, many of you guys know, Lewis and I run a mastermind called Ultra. Yes. And I can tell you, because I've run that several years now, that the differentiator of the people in that room, you can tell that they want the responsibilities of life that demand more of them. Yes.

49:00Lewis Howes:When you're building something great, the people around you matter from day one. And I know how easy it is to get pulled away from the work that actually moves the mission forward. That is where JustWorks comes in. It's an HR platform built for small businesses that care about growth and their people. Payroll, benefits, compliance, hiring, all handled in one place so you can stay focused on what matters most. Go to JustWorks.com to learn more. They do your human resources right, so you can do right by your people. Just works for your people. You know how people sometimes invest in something that seems incredible at first, but then it doesn't live up to the hype?

49:38Lewis Howes:Like when everyone was convinced NFTs were the future, and people were buying them for thousands of dollars, and now they barely have any value. Marketers know that feeling. They optimize for numbers that look great, like impressions, but then they don't see revenue. LinkedIn has a word for that, bull spend. Instead, you can get the highest ROAS of major ad networks with LinkedIn ads. Cut the bull spend. Advertise on LinkedIn. Spend$250 and get a$250 credit. Go to linkedin.com slash Lewis. Terms apply. And I would urge everyone to really think about it. The group of people you hang out with or your team or your family or the friends you've chosen, when they talk about responsibilities, is it a negative conversation or is it, I'm leveling up conversation.

50:22If it's a leveling up conversation, you're probably in the right group. It's a group that can see past problems and see a potential future and believe in something for you beyond what maybe you even believe or beyond where you're at circumstantially now. If you're around people who only complain about responsibilities and obligations, you probably need a new peer group, need a coach, need a mastermind, need the better company culture, need to move on to the next job. I don't know what it is for you, but you have to be really attuned to that because there is that level in which there's a, speaking of COVID, there's a viral nature of human energy about responsibilities.

51:04And I've been there. I grew up in a very difficult place, you know, economically depressed mining town. You know, parents, my dad did three tours in Vietnam, came back to the United States, didn't like its soldiers anymore. My mom's from Vietnam. and who asked for Vietnam?

51:21Lewis Howes:I didn't know that that's cool yeah French Vietnamese you can't see the Vietnamese on me no I never can but yeah so dad grew up in Montana wanted to see the world join the US Marine Corps ended up going to Vietnam in three tours got all shot up wow came back to the US ended up recruiting in the south right during and right after Vietnam when no one wanted that so he'd be spit on, things thrown at him, just awful. Recruiting people to join the military. Yeah. Oh, wow. My mom, she had grown up in Vietnam under the first war, what used to be called the Indochina War, which was a French-Vietnamese conflict, which was before the American conflict.

52:03So the French-Vietnamese conflict, her father was a French soldier with her mother, who's Vietnamese. He got killed when she was, oh gosh, 8, 9, 10.

52:16Lewis Howes:Yeah. So she got shipped to France for the child of war program. She speaks French. Speaks French. Yeah. Grew up in, you know, convents basically. So she grows up, has a terrible time there. Abused, treated really terribly. Separated from her family. In France, separated from her mother who was still in Saigon. And so mom has terrible, she turns 18, 19. She's like, I'm out of here. Goes back to Vietnam. Meets another American. Marries him. Comes to the US. he's terrible terrible to her they get divorced she ends up meeting my dad wow so my dad had to go to vietnam come back to the u.s my mom vietnam france vietnam u.s and they meet in washington dc wow and uh love at first sight just amazing bam love at first sight and uh just had nothing neither had anything you know left the east coast to montana to raise us kids because dad wanted to raise us kids in Montana and, you know, grew up in Butte, Montana and tiny little town called Conrad and then Great Falls, tiny little towns.

53:21Um, and Butte had been economically depressed for a long time. It used to be a mining town and a tough place to grow up. Brutal mom and dad working as many jobs as they could get trying to raise for us. And there was a lot of alcoholism in that town. It was a very physical town, lots of bullying, lots of fighting, just an awful town. And I can look back at that kid as me being raised through those towns and thinking about the times that we had. And I can, my dad kept getting better jobs as we moved throughout. Nothing ever wild or crazy. Ended up managing the DMVs of the state. And from one little one to many of them.

54:07Lewis Howes:And - Hopefully the lines were faster there. Yeah. I wouldn't bring that up to my dad. But he got better and better jobs. And I noticed that, well, they're not the jobs we all talk about in the media world, multimillion dollar jobs. What I did notice was the people were getting around, when they talked about problems, they had some ownership to them. It wasn't the government's fault. It wasn't you know, this town's fault. It wasn't the economy's fault. They kind of like, yeah, this is hard, but here's all the things I'm doing about it. And I started noticing a change in the culture. Then I went to college.

54:45I started noticing a change in the kids who succeeded and the kids who didn't. Then I went to, you know, San Francisco and I worked for Accenture, this global consulting company. Then, you know, now I've been a high performance coach for 20 plus years and it worked with the world's best teams, athletes and everything. And one thing is the way they talk about responsibility. One complains, blames, hates it. Another goes, I wonder what I have to be to handle that next level of complexity and difficulty. Like, what skill set, what competency do I need to deal with? And they want the challenge. It is the tell of the high performer.

55:18They want the challenge. It's the tell of positive psychology called flow, right? Flow state is you're going just beyond your current skill set or competency and a challenge you're engaged in, and it's timely and you need to be, quote unquote, engaged. And I think it's just interesting. Are you a person who is fully engaged, taking on hard things that are responsibilities maybe you didn't want or you did? But we all know somebody who's a deadbeat dad. We all know somebody who just refuses to own up to the lie. We all know somebody who refuses to give back even though they were given to so generously.

55:55We know people who don't take life's responsibilities and you just, you can't change your life until you get that self-reliant responsibility ethic. And I don't know, it's hard to say that.

56:08Lewis Howes:You can't achieve something great being a victim either. Yeah. So that's like taking responsibility versus, you know, reacting and being a victim to the circumstance that you have. And so we're talking about becoming free with your acronym and that's creating the feeling. How do I want to feel? Taking responsibility as well for where you're at and where you want to be. What would the ease be in free? The next E, which is related again to your clarity and your aspirational self, is expression. The future you has a way that he or she expresses yourself. And another way to say this to people is like, the future you deals with people in a specific way.

56:48You treat people in a specific way. You're generous with people in a specific way. You're patient with people in a specific way. If you think about the absolute best self, it's not just that you express yourself in the way you look in terms of status, money, power, fame, or even clothing and stuff. It's that you're aware I express myself confidently. It's like you talked about earlier. I walk in a room and I smile. It's like you talked about early. I'm there and present for my kids. it's like they're really conscientious about how they treat other people and you become more aware of your expression for example my natural preference isn't that charismatic when i teach because i kind of like to go way deep in the and talk about the research and the key points and the curriculum i'm the guy who gets lost in the content and i have to pull myself out and go oh brendan project dude entertain a little bit yeah you know move your hands a little you know i i have to now it's natural for me because I've been doing it for 20 years.

57:48But the very beginning, everyone I grew up around was like this all the time, or they were like, you know, going to hit you. It was like, there was not a lot of free flowing, especially masculine expression where I was from. And so I had to learn that. I thought my future self, I see him differently. I would imagine like, for example, at the time being on stage, I would grip the side of the podium. I would have three or four or five pages of notes and I would grip it. I would be terrified. But when I thought about a future speaking, I would see this kid like walking across stage, laughing with people, calling up people, like dancing and jumping the music, having a good time up there.

58:30And like, I could just see him so joy, so free in expression. And that seemed like light years away from where I was, where I'm ripping the podium, flipping the paper, sweating. I mean, I was like in an awful state, but the idea that I could become that when you realize expression is not about your natural ability, but expression, like all communication is actual competency. I was like, I can get better. Like you've been coaching me how to be better interviewing. I'm asking you all these detailed questions. I'm like, Lewis, this is so amazing how you just do this. I'm awkward and weird. I don't, I don't know how to do this.

59:08And it's just fun to see you, you do it. But I know you developed that over 13 years of the show.

59:13Lewis Howes:And I didn't know how to do it originally. I had to learn over years. You know, it's like, just like you learned public speaking and I learned interviewing. It's like, I didn't know what I was doing. You know, you just figure it out and you build that competency, which again, in high performance habits, you talk about competency, it creates more confidence. The more competent you become, the more confident you're on stage now. Now you can be on stage and deliver what that kid in the podium dreamed of doing, dancing and singing and jumping around and getting knocked over by me in the air. that's right when i introduce you i don't know if you guys know that story but lewis nearly knocked me off my own stage he hit me with like this like jump elbow shot yeah yeah and i can't i don't think it's on camera now but he's like significantly taller bigger than me nearly knocked me off but yeah you you you have an expression now i want to really qualify this for people because they're watching this and like yeah yeah i don't want to do the stage up and i'm more quiet i'm like i want you to know expression when i say you have an aspirational vision of expression.

1:00:09It doesn't need to mean like you're a clown like me. What it might mean is you find the fullest expression of your authentic self. You find comfort in being who you naturally are around people of the best of who you are. You become intentional in relating with other humans where you're generous, caring, giving, affirming of them. And you have to teach that because most people your natural thing is you're judgmental of them your natural thing is you're judgmental of self like i'm insecure of self i'm judgmental of other people so i'm gripping life by the podium your natural incredible great aspirational self is not that so you identify like oh the fullest expression uh i remember a family member one time came to the holidays and he was telling us uh you know an older older member of the family said i'm redoing my closet.

1:01:11I was redoing it. Okay. He's like, yeah, because the way I see myself now is more like James Bond. I'm going to express myself like that at this stage of my life. I was like, it's cool. All right, bro. It was like, all right. He saw and he was going to build and live into that. So I just want to encourage people, your future self can start right now. How would your future self express yourself? Yes. Like my future self asks more questions. My future self gets centered. My future self is so excited to see people. I smile at people. All these things we've talked about here, I think is so important.

1:01:42Lewis Howes:Yeah, it's great. When you're building something great, the people around you matter from day one. And I know how easy it is to get pulled away from the work that actually moves the mission forward. That is where JustWorks comes in. It's an HR platform built for small businesses that care about growth and their people. Payroll, benefits, compliance, hiring, all handled in one place so you can stay focused on what matters most. Go to JustWorks.com to learn more. They do your human resources right, so you can do right by your people. JustWorks for your people. If you're trying to be more intentional about what you wear day to day, Quince can help with that.

1:02:23Lewis Howes:They've got pieces that feel easy, comfortable, and still put together. The fabrics feel elevated and the fits are clean. Think 100 % European linen shorts and shirts from$34. Lightweight, breathable, and comfortable. And everything is priced 50 % to 80 % less than what you'd find at similar brands. Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen. So you're getting premium materials without the markup. And it's not just clothing. Martha and I have one of their linen sets and it has been amazing. The fabric feels soft and breathable, but still has that elevated feel. It's the kind of quality that makes your space feel more peaceful and put together.

1:03:03Lewis Howes:Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Head to quince.com slash Lewis for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's quince.com slash Lewis for free shipping and 365-day returns. quince.com slash lewis. So that's the expression. And what would be the final E be? Or was there an E before that? Yeah, the final E. So it's free. F-R-E-E. So it's your future self. You have a vision and a clarity of the feeling you want, start generating it. The responsibilities and how you handle them, handle them that way now. The expression of how you express yourself and treat other people, do that now.

1:03:46And the last E is expansion. You've expanded your wealth. you've expanded your network, you've expanded your skill set, you've expanded your impact. Every single person has that expansive desire, even if it's been covered up, because the universe is expanding. And we are multidimensionally expanding as human beings at all times, all stages of maturity. And so how have you expanded in the future? How are you a bigger person? How are you having more impact? How are you earning more? Where is the growth of where you're going to go. So you have to see and imagine and think about expansion. And I want to talk about Lewis real fast, everybody on this, because this is a real example in real time we were talking about today.

1:04:32There's a stage in where Lewis sees himself expressing himself as a handball player, right? But I don't know if everyone knows, but Lewis just bought a handball team, an organization. He expanded from, I'm an individual player to I own a team. Dude, tell us about that. Because that's like, people don't usually think that way, but it's really aspirational.

1:04:53Lewis Howes:This is the interesting thing. I'm glad you said that, because I was thinking about this when you were going over the expression. My natural expression in high school and college, as I started playing sports at a higher level, was I was the receiver. I was never the quarterback. I was a role player. I was never the star player. I never wanted to be like this vocal leader. It wasn't my natural preference, or like my comfort zone. But I could train really hard, tell me what to do, and I could master that one role on the team. You know, 11 players on football or five guys on the basketball team. I was like, just give me the ball, let me score and do my job.

1:05:32Lewis Howes:But I don't want to be communicating and I want to be like leading. I was like, just let me do my thing. It was very uncomfortable to get outside of that comfort zone. And my normal preference was to do the best I can do as a role player, but not be a leader communicating. I have had to train myself over the last 20 years to get out of this preference of just let me be in my role and do well as a part of the team to let me lead the team as well. And it doesn't mean I have to take over and control the team, but how can I be a leader? And still today, it's not a natural state of mind to lead the team.

1:06:11Lewis Howes:But I know my future self needs me to continue to do that and show up that way to practice it if I want to create this desired result. I have to develop the competence and the confidence of leadership in a different way than only playing well, but also playing well, managing a team well, connecting with every player individually, connecting with the team as a group. There's different skills you need to develop as a leader that's different than just playing by itself. Yes. And so how do I play well and lead well? And, you know, navigate the finances of the team. It's like so much more. But I'm like, I feel this will help me be more prepared for the Olympics.

1:06:56Lewis Howes:By having the skill sets, by overcoming the challenges over the next couple of years, is like, this is only going to support my future self, accomplish the dreams and be ready. You know, so I'm, I'm staying ready. So I don't need to get ready. It's like, I'm preparing and being ready now. So when the time happens, man, I've just spent, now it's easy, you know, in two and a half years now, now it's natural. Cause I've put in the last four years of reps to prepare for this. Just like, it's natural for you to be on stage. Sure. Maybe there's a little nerves right before, like you want to make sure it's a good job, But I spent 20 years behind the podium now getting reps to be able to dance and sing and do breakouts and coach and come back and remember what you're saying and have all these different things and make it a beautiful experience over five days.

1:07:43Lewis Howes:It's easy now because you put in 20 years. So for me, it's still not a natural state of being. But it's something I show up to every single time I have the opportunity to lead, even though it's not something I would normally do. but it's what my future self demands of me. I love this. You know, it's like the future goal demands I get out of my comfort zone every time. Yeah. Are you hearing the call of your future and heeding it by showing up into that expansion? Yes. You're like, you're showing up into team expansion. You know, where you show up into expansion of this media empire. You show up in expansion of the team here and the handball team there.

1:08:24Yes. Your family's expanding.

1:08:26Lewis Howes:Same thing with the family stuff too. I was very comfortable. For 15 years, I lived in a two-bedroom apartment and I would just kind of bounce around from a part to an apartment, maybe spend a little bit more on a nicer apartment. But it was like, my preference is minimal, two-bedroom apartment, nice. Okay. Maybe I have a doorman now, but it's like, I don't need bigger, right? I was like, I liked my comfort zone. I knew everything was, I could manage it all. There was not, no one's coming over here. It's like I got my space, but my future self, you know, 10 years in the future was like, gosh, but I have a dream of having children and walking around the house with laughter in the halls and hearing laughter and play and different rooms and having family.

1:09:09Lewis Howes:I was like, I really want family to be and visit me more. I need more space. They can't visit. Right. I want her family, her extended family to be able to come as well and have different like families coming together and activities and holidays. And I was like, and I want to have a sanctuary where I could also have my podcast set up if I need it. If there's another COVID, I could do it at home. I have a backyard where I can have friends over and play pickleball. And I have a gym and I can do everything I need to do. And that was expensive to think of that, of like investing in a home. And I remember I was going back and forth.

1:09:42Lewis Howes:I live in this beautiful home. Me and Martha have a beautiful home for the last three years. It's my first home that I got at 40 and I'll be 43 here in a couple months. And as I was going through buying the buying process, I remember feeling like this resistance in my chest. I go, man, it's a lot of money. It's like, man, I'm going to have like$0 in the bank after I put all this down and then the expense every month. It's just a new zone that I'm not comfortable with. And I remember I was talking to a coach that I had at the time, because I really believe in investing in coaches and masterminds and communities that support you in seeing a greater version of you.

1:10:24Lewis Howes:Yes. Right. This is why we have our mastermind with Ultra. We have hundreds of members in there who are investing and getting closer to their future selves. And I have that personally as well. Right. It's like I'm investing in support and coaches and mentorships. And I had this call with her. I was like, Clara, help me get through this. Is this worth spending all my money that I have right now in this down payment for a home? And she was like, what would your future self, you're turning 40 soon, what would you at 50 say to you right now? And I literally went into the future and time traveled. And I was just like, I had future hindsight.

1:11:08Lewis Howes:I was thinking in the future as I was looking back on my life. And I was like, my 50-year-old self would say, this was the best investment you ever made. This is the, sure, it's going to be uncomfortable for six months or maybe a year because your bank account is going to be zero and you're going to feel this pain. But you're going to look back and say, that was like the easiest investment. That was the greatest investment. You had a decade or plus of joy, love, laughter, play, family, connection, games. It provided this sanctuary for all your dreams to come true. Oof. Right? And so I had this conversation with my current self from my future self.

1:11:46And I was like, that was the decision.

1:11:49Lewis Howes:Now, it doesn't mean it's comfortable. It doesn't mean there's not some risk. There's a new way of being when I'm used to living in a two-bedroom apartment for 15 years. but man, it's been the greatest decision over the last three years. It's been like every day I wake up like, God, I'm so grateful for this space. This is a dream every day. And I think that was the fifth thing you were talking about, expansion. Expansion. You expanded. It's like, it doesn't mean it's going to be comfortable. It's not comfortable to lead when you've never had the training on how to lead. It's not comfortable to invest when you're not sure if it's going to pay off.

1:12:25Lewis Howes:but that commitment, that action is going to create expansion. And that's the only way you can really create the abundance you're looking for in your life. Yes. Yeah. And you did it. And you allowed that communication to happen with the future from an optimistic, you know, believing place versus shutting yourself down with negative self-talk or catastrophizing. You allowed that dialogue to happen with the future and you played with it. Yes. You ask a coach, you got around people. I'm sure you ask your friends, like, okay, how does this work? And you're like, you have to allow the dialogue of the future to happen.

1:13:01That is how you connect with destiny is through dialogue.

1:13:04Lewis Howes:With your future self. Yeah. We always think destiny is so much about hardcore action. Like it's a dialogue first. It's a dialogue you're having in your mind. It's decisions you're making along the way. It's how you're showing up each day. And all of a sudden now it manifests a reality and you have this beautiful house. I've been there. I've seen the pickleball court. It's like, you have this stunning, stunning, beautiful compound. It's unbelievable. It was scary at first because I was like, this is something I've never done. I'm not comfortable with. I don't know how to do it. I don't know what I'm going to do to generate more money quickly so I'm not at zero in my bank account.

1:13:36Lewis Howes:All the unknowns. But as you're talking about having a dialogue with your future, something that Dr. Joe Dispenza talks about, he says, remember the future. I've heard him say this when I've interviewed him a bunch. He's like, we need to learn how to remember the future, not emphasizing the pain of the past. when we hold on to the fear of, well, I did this thing in the past and it hurt when this happened. I took a risk on love and I got screwed over. I did this thing in this business and I lost my money. If we stay in the past and create from the past pains, we're not going to create some beautiful future.

1:14:10Lewis Howes:We need to remember a future of the result we're looking to create and going back to the feeling you want to have in the future. The responsibilities it takes, the expression and the expansion, it's like if you have to, if you want to remember the future of like you have this dream home, this dream career, this dream business, this dream relationship, this dream health, you have to have the feeling now, which is what I'm hearing you say. You have to take on the responsibility of doing the actions of the future now. Yes. And you may not have to pay off for years. You may not see this result overnight.

1:14:44Lewis Howes:Expressing yourself from the future as well, and then stepping into that expansion. And I think when people can start to use this framework of free that you've shared, and I know you have more in the book, High Performance Habits, when you make that investment in this, your life is completely going to change. Right. Because you're showing up now for that future dream and all the responsibilities and the joys with it now. Otherwise, what people do is you just go through the day. Yeah. And you're in stimulus and response throughout the day. There's no higher intention or higher aspiration. And if you actually talk with people about how they want to change their life, it is that they want to feel the day differently.

1:15:24Even if the same circumstances suck, they want to go through it and sense it in a different way. But you won't do that if all you do is connect with the problems in the way today. You have to connect with something in the future. It's so hard to get people. I love that. remember the future. To me, it really is about knowing I'm either operating from stimulus and response and my minimal homeostasis baseline, Brendan, minimal self or aspirational self. Who showed up and won the day? It doesn't mean I don't have hours where I don't fall into comfort or impatience, or I'm not my best during an interview or whatever.

1:16:02The minimal self shows up. It's a ratio. Does the aspirational show up and win the day more often than the minimal self? And once you, I promise everyone listening, once you're in the aspirational self more often, you find yourself higher performing. Your results get better. Better people are attracted to you. You're in better groups. You're leveling up the peer set, the success around you. You're attracting different things. And the weird thing is by making those hard choices, things start getting easier. And you're like, oh, this feels good now. Not five years from now. It's like, it's starting to feel good now because I'm being responsible.

1:16:39I'm handling these things. And you handling life better and experiencing and generating into life better makes you better. And it makes today better, not some distant decade or 50 years. You'll get there. Your compound actions will lead into that. But you might as well get to enjoy it today with that intention.

1:16:58Lewis Howes:100%. And again, every day, today is all we have in this moment. And do you want to live a crappy day or a beautiful day? You know, you talked about the minimal self and the aspirational self. There's a great story or analogy about the two wolves that each one of us has, the good wolf and the bad wolf inside of you. And whichever one wins is the one you feed, the wolf you feed that day inside of you. And I, you know, I could have all this self-doubt and insecurity and anger and frustration in the world if I chose to feed those parts of me. Yes. And I can also have all the joy and beauty and gratitude and appreciation and generosity and possibility thinking as well if I choose to feed those parts of me daily.

1:17:43Lewis Howes:Yes. And if you want to live in a minimal part of your life, feed those doubts and insecurities and speak about them and own them and just let them take over your life. or say, I'm going to create a new life and I'm going to feed possibilities more. I'm going to feed joy more, beauty more. You know, I'm going to, I'm going to feed forgiveness more. I'm going to feed these things. So I have more peace inside of me and therefore I can create the freedom in my life, which again, going back to your free acronym. I think a lot of people want to feel loved. They want to feel free. If you're not willing to take on life and new possibilities, they're going to always get what you've always had.

1:18:27Lewis Howes:And again, I invest in coaching, mentorship, in deep personal relationships as well, and masterminds. And you have your book, High Performance Habits, that helps people become extraordinary in their lives if they're willing to take on new things in their lives. And I want this conversation, I hope people go back and listen to this and watch this over and over again, because I want you, everyone watching, listening to assess your life and just say on a scale of one to 10, where am I at in my life? Do I feel like my life's at a 10 in my health, my relationships, my finances, my purpose? Am I at a 10 or close to it?

1:19:09Lewis Howes:Or am I down in the two, three, four, five in certain areas? And just take a simple internal assessment and ask yourself, where am I at? And do I want to live a life at a two, three, four, or five or eight, nine, or 10. How do I want to live my life? Do I want to be below a five or above an eight? I'm not saying you'd have a perfect day, a 10 every day in every area, but ask yourself that question. And if you're not living above a seven right now, it's time to start seeing where you can make changes and where you can take responsibility in your life to start feeling different daily, to draw on the future you want for yourself.

1:19:48Lewis Howes:And we have a coaching program on a mastermind, if people want coaching and mentorship in a group mastermind setting with us, they can go and check it out. We'll have it linked up in the podcast or on the YouTube description, or you can go right to lewishouse.com slash ultra to learn more. This is where you get to meet us in person multiple times throughout the year, in-person live events, but also on an ongoing monthly basis virtually. We'll share more about exactly what's involved and what it's, we just started it a few months ago. It's been an amazing launch. The people are so fired up. It's incredible.

1:20:24Lewis Howes:They're taking action. They're getting results. The best teaching I've ever seen you do in Ultras. Thank you. Wow. Thank you. That was one of my, I shared in a previous podcast, I was like, that was the, it was for me expansive watching you do that on stage for a day with our people. It was just incredible. It's been fun. Yeah. I'm excited about that. back in that mentorship teaching role, which is so powerful because you've come so far and you have so much to share with these people. So I'm glad you're doing that in Ultra and it's an honor to do it with you, brother. I'm excited. And so if people are interested in really having accountability and responsibility and ownership of their future results, now is the time to take action and start shifting these things.

1:21:02Lewis Howes:And if you want that support, if you want that investment in your life for your future self, then go to lewishouse.com slash ultra. All the information will be there. But this has been powerful, man. I'm sure we could go on for another few hours on this. But again, if you want to have a transformational life, it starts here with high performance habits and really assessing your life and seeing what it takes to get there. This has been powerful. Brendan Bouchard, thank you so much for being here. I appreciate it. I love you, brother. So good. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness.

1:21:37Lewis Howes:Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you, and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

1:22:16Lewis Howes:And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

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