The #1 Dating Mistake That’s Keeping You Single | Nick Viall

28:32Um, and, and so, yeah, those other opinions are just, it's, those are their opinions and that's their business and it's none of mine. And that's something I've constantly tried to remind myself of. This is interesting because you've been in the public eye for what, like 10 years now? Yeah, about a decade now. About a decade. And you kind of became known by having a public relationship, right? Or trying to get into a public relationship, being in relationship, love, dating, all that stuff. What's your thoughts on if people should be public with their relationship or they should be posting that they're getting in a relationship with this person and all the date nights they're doing and all the conversations they're having and should they be doing it on TV and doing it on social media?

29:14Do you think that creates a healthy long-term relationship or is that setting up a disaster? More of the latter. I think it's, it's a risk. Yeah, I don't see any real benefit for the relationship. And Nally and I, we post about our relationship and she's on the Vile Files a lot more now. And we like to share some things about our relationship. We certainly don't share everything. I always say Instagram's not a love language. But it is for a lot of people. It is for a lot of people, yeah. A lot of women love being posted on Instagram. Why is that? I think it's the validation. I think we just are a society that really seeks out the approval of others.

30:02What is the biggest risk of a woman wanting their man to post about them consistently on Instagram? Well, again, because you are increasing the chances of you caring a lot about what other people say. Because you're reading all these comments. comments oh you guys look so good together you guys oh what is that and i always say the in my experience in the public eye and in social media uh that the positive comments are more dangerous than the the negative one really why uh because it's easy to dismiss negative ones yeah they don't owe me screw that that whatever but you know after a few uh hard-eyed emojis and oh my god you're the cutest couple of all time you know whether they're positive or negative they're all strangers.

30:49They don't know me. They have no insight into my life. They can make guesses from what they've seen or whatever, but they don't really know me. But if I'm going to read a bunch of positive comments and take them to heart, well, then my subconscious is going to say, well, you can't pick and choose. You have to take the negative ones to heart as well. so by getting the positive ones and you read them you're like yep nope i'm awesome i'm awesome i'm awesome i'm awesome and then you're like well these these are very valid comments because you know i am awesome right and then all of a sudden that negative one hits you and you're so you even if you say oh they don't know me you've spent all this time not saying that about the positive ones they don't know you either they don't know you either but now your your subconscious brain is taking it all to heart.

31:45And so that's why I always feel like the positive ones are setting you up for the negative comment. It's really dangerous that way. If there's a woman coming to you asking for advice, saying, you know, I've been in a relationship for six months with this guy and he hasn't posted about me yet on social media, on Instagram, and I really want him to, what should I say to get him to post about me? Or how can I do it to getting them posted about me. What advice would you give that woman about this conversation? Well, you know, despite me saying it can be a risk, I do think there's something you said about, you know, being with someone who gives you the sense that they're proud to be with you, that they want to share their relationship.

32:28You know, everything is about balance. And listen, we live in a world where a lot of things are online. So, you know, extremes scare me on anything so if someone i've been dating this guy for six months everything's going here but he refuses to post it's a bit of red flag right right you know unless he's just not on social media yeah that would be my first question is like does he ever post yeah he's like no like no it's like well then i don't think there's an issue if he's posting about his friends and all this stuff and he's pretty active he's not posting about you like that's definitely a red flag so if it's the latter and he is an active poster and he's actively on there, I would just tell him what it would mean to you.

33:12It would just mean a lot if you shared our relationship and I want to feel like you're proud of our relationship. And I think that's an okay feeling. I think the best thing we can do when we communicate to our loved ones is to say, this is how I feel about a situation. This would mean a lot. And then the big question is you give them an opportunity to see if they're willing to make you a priority. Right. Because I think there's a lot of relationships out there where people are accepting their partners not prioritizing them. And choosing to stay in the relationship more out of fear of what else might be out there or what they don't think they can find rather than feeling loved and feeling validated.

33:57And it's funny how people will call in about relationships and they'll be frustrated with their partner. And one of my favorite questions I ask them is, what do you like or love about how they make you feel? It's so funny how a lot of times people won't have an answer to that. You know, and it's like, oh, well, you know, like we have fun together and like, you know, he's really smart and he's really nice with people. That's all great. But how do you what do you love about how they make you feel? Because what I'm hearing from you is you spend a lot of time telling me that you're you're confused.

34:37You're often sad. You feel lonely, you know. So I'm just wondering why what about this relationship are you fighting for? Yeah, and just because someone looks good on paper doesn't mean they're good for you. Yeah. Or they're not just making, you know, what's the point of being in a relationship if they don't make you feel loved? Ooh. You know? And I think I was that person. I was in a lot of relationships where I asked myself, I don't think she likes me. You know? Because I used to always prioritize chemistry over compatibility, which I think most of us do because chemistry is sexy. It is. You know?

35:10It's fun. You know? It gives you that spark. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Unfortunately, chemistry is hard to trust and chemistry can be very much manufactured. You know, chem, you know, people are just naturally charismatic, you know, tall, good looking, you know, can brighten up a room when they walk in. And chemistry can be found because of similar interest. People who go on The Bachelor have a natural chemistry because of a shared experience being part of the same church or community that can create chemistry between people. but that doesn't necessarily mean love now compatibility compatibility on our hand is it's not as sexy it's not as fun but that you can trust a lot more you know do we enjoy being around each other you know natalie is the first person that i've been in a relationship with where we have a lot in common you know where we're very compatible right because i used again back to that love martyr i didn't even prioritize chemistry uh compatibility at all it was like and i and i was like well it doesn't matter we're in love love it's all it doesn't matter you know i'm i love her and love will conquer all but then every day was just like so what do you like what do you want to eat for dinner like what should we watch it was like complete opposite yeah opposite you know and love relationships are hard enough yeah you know even when you're super compatible and you're on the same page most of the time it still requires sacrifice and compromise and if you have to do that for every decision every day it is exhausting exhausting um and yeah i just you know we we are we're a society that prioritizes chemistry far too much and we have to give compatibility a little bit more of a spotlight who do you think chi more today men or women uh i don't have the statistics but i would guess it's pretty 50 50 i've heard it's women but that's what i've heard too i don't know for sure.

37:00But when you listen to society, it sounds like it's only men, you know, unfortunately, you know, like we talked about this when we, you were on, on my show, but I'm glad there's been a correction, you know, for some bad actors out there in terms of, you know, poor behavior for men, demonstrating things like toxic masculinity and abuse sometimes. And, um, you know, things like that and i think that you know there were me too was necessary for a lot of reasons but i think there's almost been an overcorrection in the sense for like right now you know when it comes to i think the stereotypes of men is fair game and to the point now but the stereotypes of women are almost illegal you know never never generalize or you know and i don't want to generalize anyone men or women you know but it it i think it's it's gotten to a point where um you know the ick talking about icks for men and and and criticizing men for other behavior i i think we unfortunately are creating a generation of men feel like their plight is not being understood and heard um but yeah i think men and women both very much cheat maybe for different reasons.

38:18But, um, I think unfortunately we dating society has made everyone replaceable, expendable. We're happy. We have a very disposable society, you know, from fast fashion to fast food to fast relationships. Um, and everyone is disposable. And I think that in itself has created a lot of infidelity. Right. Right. If you were coaching your 23 year old self 20 years ago, actually if you were coaching a woman that was going to date yourself 20 years ago and they came to you now as a 43 year old okay with the wisdom the experience and advice that you have now and they come to you called sally right sally comes you see nick man i love this guy this young this young nick guy like i really want to date him and you knew everything about you what would be the three biggest red flags about you that you would tell a woman trying to date you at 23 that's a great question um i would say well his heart's in the right place um but uh i think sometimes he is um a little misguided okay i guess would be one i was definitely a lot more narrow-minded you know um i thought i was i would probably remind her that he is a little more sure of himself than he should be um overly confident yeah a little overly confident not cocky but a little more ignorant than he realizes i'm not gonna go on and on he's messy and forgetful and annoying and all those things but um i would say he's a little bit more judgmental than he should be.

40:09I think that kind of goes with kind of the ignorance of, that youthful ignorance of, you know, it's like, you know, when you're in your 20s, you think you have it all figured out because like 20s where you feel so old. But it's weird because I say like, we spend most of our 20s trying to live up to the expectations we set for ourselves when we were 16. You know, it's like when you're 16, you dream about like getting the BMW and finding the wife or having some job. and then you get to like you're 25, 26, you're like, I don't want to do that anymore. But you spend all this time trying to trace that dream because you told yourself when you were 17, 18-year-old self that you were going to do this.

40:46Right. And I don't think I really knew who I was as a man until I was about 29. Wow, man. You know? And I was comfortable with who I was and I was willing to accept my vulnerabilities and my weaknesses. and that would be another thing I'd probably maybe remind her is that he is maybe afraid to acknowledge some of his insecurities and fears. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So good, good advice. Yeah. Thanks. Those are probably some red flags to look out for today. Yeah. If anyone's looking to date someone, if they don't have those things fully figured out, if they're not willing to work on those things. Yeah.

41:24Like, you know, if you ask someone like, well, it's like, you know, in an interview, like, what are your weaknesses? And they say, I work too hard, you know, stuff like that. You don't really know someone until they know what they're afraid of about themselves and their vulnerabilities and what scares them. Where do they feel like they're incomplete? Things like that. Because we all have them. And it can be really hard and scary to admit. But it's really important to acknowledge. You mentioned something about learning to accept love. I'm curious. can you truly accept and feel loved by someone else if you don't learn to love yourself?

42:03I don't know. I don't think so. Yeah. Because if, because you don't believe it, you know, if you think you don't are undeserving of love and if you think you're a piece of and if you think that, you know, you're not good enough, when someone says, I think you're great and I love you, you honestly will think they're lying to you. Even if you're chasing them and even if you're trying to be with them. Yeah, you might feel valid or special. You get that kind of fix. I create a lot of relationship advice, like food advice. I always refer to people as sour patch kids. I had this epiphany. I was explaining to...

42:43I was dating an actress at the time, and her sister was asking me for relationship advice, and she was talking about this guy over and over, about he would go out with me. We do all these boyfriend and girlfriend things, And then they would hook up and then he would disappear and then she'd feel like crap afterwards. And I'm like, you know who he is? He's a Sour Patch Kid. She was like, what do you mean? And I was just like, well, like when I eat Sour Patch Kids, I love them. And when I talk about them right now, my mouth is salivating, you know, just thinking about it. And every once in a while, I'll indulge in a bag of Sour Patch Kids.

43:19But every time I eat it, even though I get that fix and it's so good going in, I inevitably always feel like crap. because, well, they're crappy food. Nothing about Sour Patch Kids will nourish your body. You can't, you're not going to get healthy out of putting Sour Patch Kids in your body. So that fix is always followed by that hangover of being crappy. And a lot of people are kind of that Sour Patch Kids or that hangover of that fix of validation, that temporary short-term feeling of excitement and the euphoria of feeling enough only followed by that kind of hangover of not feeling good enough.

43:56So back to you, like if you don't really love yourself and you don't truly believe it, you know, they might compliment you. They might say this, I love you. And you're kind of caught off guard and you're feeling good. But then you'll get in your head. You'll be like, well, do they really? Are you sure? You know, they can't really love me. It's just like you look in the mirror and you're kind of disgusted with yourself. and then it will be followed by that hangover of that kind of excitement going away. And so, yeah, I think it really is important to truly be comfortable with who you are. As I get older, I'm sure you've done this too.

44:33Again, you're never a finished product. I always want to work on myself. I always want to work on my bad habits, of which I have many. But I also have gotten to the point in my life, and I remember a moment when Natalie and I I first started dating and she was giving me a hard time because I don't ever close cabinet doors. You know, I leave things open. I'm a very disorganized person. Um, and I said to her, I'm like, listen, I promise you'll always work on this, but I just want you to know, this is also who I am. You know, this is like, I've never been good at this, you know? And I remember, and yeah, I was kind of half joking, but like just me being able to say that to her and just say, I have some really bad habits.

45:16And honestly, my brain works a certain way that I'm just, I've tried so hard to be good at this stuff and correct it, but it's as hard for me. I don't know how to do this. And just to say that out loud to her, 23-year-old me, I would never have acknowledged that. Oh yeah, no, I can do that. I'm right on that, babe. I'll master that. I was never willing to acknowledge that there's some things that are just really hard for me. I'm really not good at this. I'm really going to struggle with this. This is a weakness of mine. And when you can say that and someone else can see and accept it. Yeah, and say, you know, it's annoying, but okay.

45:55You know, I'll put up with it. Yeah, accept it. Like, it's a lot easier. Because even if those little things of pretending that you're somehow going to master closing cabinet doors or never be forgivable, you know that you're not being honest with yourself. You know you're not being honest with them. and then that subconscious brain feels like they're going to find out about me. And usually our bad habits run much deeper than not being able to close cabinet doors. And so that subconscious and fear thought of they're going to find out who I really am, I think will often lead to that fear of abandonment and rejection and always kind of live in that state of fear of not being enough and things like that.

46:34Why do you think so many people settle in relationships for something they know is not right for them? Fear of finding it elsewhere, I think. Yeah. Fear of wasted time. You know, I think, you know, me about to be a father for the first time, I want to figure out how I can teach my daughter perspective, which I don't know if you can. I remember going through a heartbreak after my fiance cheated on me. We were living together, and I didn't want to keep living with her. Oh, man, that's tough. So I moved in with a grandma who also lived in downtown Milwaukee at the time. She's a hip grandma. but grandma nonetheless that was very embarrassing for me how are you now uh 28 28 yeah it ended up being a very memorable moment of my life but um at the time i was living with a lot of shame yes and my grandma uh my grandfather left her for other women uh when she was in like in the 70s and she had to raise five kids on her own in the time where a lot of people were getting divorced and not a lot of women in the workforce.

47:40So she had shame from that. She had a shared experience. Shared experience, but she also had the perspective. And she ended up dating and she taught me that, I was at a time where I thought my life was over. I'm a failure. I'm a 28-year-old man. I'm almost 30. And I've had nothing but failed relationships. So much so that now I've been engaged and I got cheated on and I bought this ring. and I'm an embarrassment to myself and my friend. And that's how I truly felt. And she taught me that my life wasn't over. In fact, it was probably just beginning, that you're only 28. And I don't know when I'm gonna die, but she was banking on the fact that I wouldn't live as long as she had and I had a lot of years left and I might have some more loves that might not work out.

48:28And life is definitely a journey. And when you find that right person, It might be much longer than you realize, but from now you might have to be more patient, but like, you know, there's so many opportunities to reinvent yourself, which I, I really grateful that I learned from my grandmother Phyllis. And I think back to that guy, that 20 year old man. And I think about how many times I've now reinvented myself only at 43 years old. You know, I went from, I was an accounting major, got a job as an accountant. Then I decided to get into sales, had a successful sales career in corporate America.

49:02I quit that, left that, went on reality TV, had a little stint on reality TV and then got into, you know, podcasting and being, you know, really interested in relationships and social dynamics. And, you know, now I'm, you know, doing what I'm doing now, but who knows how long I'm going to do this, you know, hopefully for a long time, but you never know. Life brings you challenges. And just, you know, I think we think that once we in our twenties, that we somehow have to lock in to whatever it is we're doing. And that fear of, you know, starting over is I think scary for a lot of people, but I have learned and you know, that sometimes starting over is really the best just to press that reset button.

49:44It's never really too late to press that reset button to, to, to reinvent yourself into something completely different. You know, I can't think of how many times in my twenties when I thought to myself, Hey, what if I went back to school or what if I did that and thinking, I'll ask three years for your commitment. I got to do that. And then three years would go by. And then I would think back and look, I remember that time three years ago. And I was thinking about what if I went back to school? And I thought to myself, I haven't really done anything that significant in those three years. And had I gone back to school, I would have been right where I wanted to be, but I didn't do anything.

50:18And why didn't I? And then I stopped doing that. I started being more of a doer and saying yes to things. I wasn't much of a risk taker in my 20s. I'd become a big risk taker later in life. Quit my job, go on this TV show, move out to LA with kind of a hope and dream. But yeah, I played it kind of close to the vest in my 20s and I realized that didn't get me very far. Interesting, man. This is fascinating. Now, Natalie, right? It's your fiance. Have you guys picked a name for your child? Is that public yet or nothing? Okay, cool. I'll tell you afterwards. Yeah, tell me afterwards. But you got a girl coming, right?

50:56I have a girl. We have a girl coming. Yes. I'm curious, what do you really want her to know as she grows up in terms of how to get into a healthy relationship? Fast forward 20, 23 years from now. She's graduated college. Yeah. She's where you were at 23. What do you really want her to know and what do you want to teach her about love, relationships, intimacy, being with a man and what that looks like? Well, one, I guess, you know, it sounds almost cheesy or cliche that she's deserving of love, that she is truly loved. And I want my daughter and any kid I have after her to know that really they're kind of capable of anything.

51:40I want my kid to have perspective and I don't, you know, I want them to be hardworking. But I don't want them, I want them to understand their value, I guess is what I'm trying to say. And their value comes from how they treat themselves and how they love their family and how they take care of the people they love. And I want them to understand that their time is not infinite and that their energy is not infinite and that the people that they spend time with has a cost. Everything, you know, and so anytime we have an interaction with someone when they start dating, ask themselves, is this person, like, worth my time?

52:28You know, where is it getting me? You know, because I don't want my daughter to chase the wrong things and I don't want my daughter to feel like she is not enough or that there's something inside that's missing And instead of seeking out love that's going to make her feel content and safe and valued, I don't want her to go out there and chase something that just, you know, fills a void that she thinks she has, you know, so I hope to give her enough love and make her feel valued. and I want her to value hopefully the hard work she puts into whatever it is she wants to do or create to know that her time is special and to not waste that on people who aren't going to prioritize her, who might use her and things like that.

53:17And also to respect the people around her and respect their time. If she's going to expect people to value and prioritize her, then she has to be willing to do the same for those people as well. I hope I answered your question. Sometimes you ask a question, I just ramble. You know, we're both not fathers yet. So maybe you don't have the answer to this, but how do you think a father can teach their daughter how to feel loved and valued without needing a toxic man to chase them? Well, I think it is just giving them that love and attention. You know, I have a lot of... My fiance will joke about having her own daddy issues, you know, because I think daddy issues can be a real thing.

54:05And I think sometimes when you grow up in a, you know, a lot of our trauma, you talked about this, comes from our childhood. And if you're not loved and you're not cared for, I think it can create a void that you try to fill in toxic ways. and so I think really just being present and being around and paying attention and showing an interest in what they do and not just be a parent you know like there's a balance you know it's like you want to be a parent and you want to teach them respect and you know it's not just your it's not your job just to be their friend because you know they can have friends but at the same time you know have a connection with your your your daughter or your kids you know I guess that's what I think right I don't want her to feel like she's not getting the love that she deserves from me, and that I'd rather have my daughter say, hey, Dad, you know what?

54:57I know you love me. Thanks. Back off a little bit in a way. Be annoyed with Dad because, ah, Dad, why do you have to... Rather than... It would break my heart to know that my daughter wonders if I loved her or wonders why I don't spend enough time with her. and wonders why, you know, I prioritize other things over her. That would break my heart. Yeah. And I don't want those actions to affect her in her adult life because, you know, they often can. Yeah. What do you think needs to die inside of you before your daughter is born for you to be the best father you can be or something you need to let go of or step into?

55:43Probably that fear of abandonment is, again, anytime you're operating under fear, it's, you're just not making choices that are usually healthy. Right. You know, I also, I don't want to pass my anxiety down to my daughter and I can be a pretty anxious person. Right. You know, I don't want my fears to become her fears, you know? And so unnecessarily worrying about things outside of my control is definitely something I don't want to pass down to my daughter. Right. That's good. That's good. You know, 20 years ago when we guys started getting into relationships and dating. Things are a lot different today, it seems like, than they were 20 years ago.

56:20Where do you think things are going to be in 20 years when your daughter starts dating and being with boys? I'm worried. Yeah. We just got in the social media world. Yeah, it's gone too fast. I think technology has made it easier and easier to disconnect from each other. And we are social creatures. We need human connection. And technology has made it easier and easier to not connect with each other from human to human. The art of communication has been lost with people. And I'm really afraid that things like AI and technology will offer us non-human options to find some sort of connection. It sounds almost sci-fi, but I don't think we're that far away from it.

57:10we're becoming lonelier and lonelier as a society men are even lonelier and lonelier I saw a study recently about men are making less and less friends and like we're just we're we're isolating more and so yeah I am I am worried about I'm worried about you know the potential options for my daughter in terms of making connections um and I almost feel like there needs to be like a renaissance with dating where we have to kind of go back to our roots and we have to limit our options and limit our choices. And, you know, we say things like being intentional, but, you know, we truly have to be, we just start asked, why are we dating?

57:50You know, what, you know, people go out and date and it's like, well, why are you doing it? Now we have this kind of hookup culture, you know, and it's just like, eh, in my twenties, I'm going around and hook up with people. And listen, And I'm not here to shame anyone if they want to go out and have some sex, but like, just be honest with yourself about what you're doing. Right. You know, and if, if you're really focused on meeting someone who's right for you, then you maybe have to reflect on maybe your past choices and, you know, who are the people you're choosing to go on dates with? Is it the person that will really give you that ego fix because you think they're really good looking or have a certain type of job or they have a certain type of value that you think that if you were able to land that person, it will make you feel special.

58:37And you have to start thinking about how is this person going to make you feel? How are you going to be able to connect with this person on a daily basis? Is this someone who is willing every day to prioritize your connection? because that's the thing and that's something nally and i really focus on it and it's really helped us in our relationship because like i think sometimes i used to do this you get in a relationship and it's like i really like you you know like we've been my boyfriend we've been my girlfriend and then you decide it's like oh i like this person and most of the time when we date once we meet someone we like and we decide we like them or we realize we like them we actually stop getting to know them you know it's like oh now i like you and now i have to just keep making sure you like me instead of realizing, well, even though we like each other, there's a lot to learn about each other and you're going to grow as a person.

59:25I'm going to grow as a person and every day and ask myself, how connected are we? You know, because that's a tangible thing that we can, we can actually measure, you know, today I feel less connected to you than I did the day before. Okay. Well, and then I can address that, you know, and there are days where Natalie and I will say, I just feel a little disconnected from you. Can we try to be more connected? In the past, I never used that language in relationships, and I didn't know how to quantify being in a fight or just feeling like, I think we've been kind of going through the motions. And so Nellie and I really focus on and give some actual thought to how connected we are because that's something we can name, and then it doesn't become anyone's fault.

1:00:13It's not like, why did you do this? Or you're always going out. You're always doing this. It's like, I just don't feel as connected to you. And I'm not, I don't know what it is. Let's just talk about it. Let's just figure it out. And that way, it's not being adversarial. It's not pointing fingers. It's just we prioritize our connection. That's the kind of the lifeblood of our relationship. And so it's either, we're either coming close together, staying together or moving further apart. And, you know, we check in from time to time, you know, about how close we're feeling. And, and there are days where, you know, it's, I just feel a little distant from you.

1:00:55Disconnected. disconnected and so if nothing else sometimes it's just holding each other's hand you know um we started prioritizing holding hands and going out in public and just you know always holding hands and that just is a way a very tangible way of literally being connected to your partner but you can kind of feel that you know and sometimes that's just enough you know caressing each other and things like that you know it kind of sounds corny but like make love without having sex sometimes, you know, and, and that way you can be more intentional with your connection because, you know, especially with guys, sometimes you can have sex and it really has nothing to do with connecting.

1:01:33Right. Um, and so that's something I've had to learn too, in terms of really prioritizing my connection with my partner and going on my way to, you know, really make her feel seen and then be present and pay attention to her and listen to what she's saying. Cause those are all things I've struggled with. That's beautiful, man. I want to acknowledge you, Nick, for everything you've had to overcome really in the last decade, you know, from being a public figure and being thrown into this universe where you're being judged and criticized for everything to continually diving in deep with therapy, with healing, with being of service now with your platform.

1:02:13It's been really cool to see the transformation happen. So I want to acknowledge you for being a force for good these days and for being in a, what seems to be, again, I don't know your fiance, but it seems to be a healthy, loving relationship, one that you can be proud of, that you're excited about, that feels like a good representation of who you've always wanted to be. So I just want to acknowledge you for all you're doing and everything you've overcome. I appreciate that. And I honestly, I would say as far as my relationship goes, I think pride and a healthy pride would probably be how I feel about it because I never want to give some of illusion that Natalie and I have some sort of picture perfect relationship.

1:02:50We work really hard on our relationship and, you know, like every other relationship, we've had our struggles and we've had to overcome things and, um, but we do work really hard and, and it is a priority for both of us to make that relationship work. And that's why I'm, I'm, I'm proud of that relationship. Not so much that it's some sort of, that's not, that it's a lot of, it's very easy a lot of the time, you know, because I think of our compatibility, but, you know, we, we care about that relationship and it's a priority for us to move it forward. And I think that's what makes it successful, not because of destiny or, or because like we just love each other so hard.

1:03:26You set an intention, an intention to make it great and to focus on it and to, to be present, the power of intention. Absolutely. I've got two hypothetical questions and one definition for you and then we'll be complete. Okay. Hypothetical question. Number one, you're 63 20 years from now what is the thing if you could go into this hypothetical scenario you can imagine your life fast forward in 20 years hopefully it takes a long time but you're there what is the thing you'll be most proud of that you did from 43 to 63 at that time that's easy being a father it's funny because like i've had a lot of different hopes and dreams in my life and a lot of those have changed.

1:04:11You know, sometimes we, you know, I never imagined I'd be a podcast so I was talking about reality TV and relationships. But being a father has always been the one constant and yet it's taken me a while to get there. But there's nothing more exciting other than I have. We have two dogs and Natalie, but like now that I have a daughter on the way to know that like really everything I do going forward isn't for me anymore. The feeling of taking care of the people you love is to me a very rewarding feeling. And again, I'm not trying to be a martyr. I'm not saying I won't matter, but I will get so much joy and so much fulfillment out of raising my child and raising our children and taking care of my family that it motivates me so much and it's so rewarding.

1:05:08It gives me more purpose, you know, to that purpose that there are people in this world that really count on you for survival and for love and for affection. It really drives me and it kind of makes everything I do worth it. And so without question, you know, 20 years from now, it will be what I have brought as a father. Wow. Will be the most meaningful thing. That's beautiful, man. Hypothetical question number two. I ask everyone at the end of our episodes this question. It's called the three truths. So imagine you get to live as long as you want to live and you accomplish everything and have the family and the relationship you want, everything.

1:05:47It all happens. But it's your last day many years away, as old as you want to be. And for whatever reason, in this hypothetical scenario, you've got to take everything with you that you've created. So this conversation's gone. Everything you put on your podcast, social media, books, Whatever you create in the future is gone. So we don't have access to your information or content anymore. But on this final day, you get to leave behind three lessons. And this is all we would have to be reminded of your content. Okay. I call it three truths. What would be those three truths for you? Don't seek validation, seek love would be one.

1:06:29Yeah, I mean, we haven't really talked much about it, But if there is a quality that I have that I value the most would be my resiliency. Life is meant to be hard, and that's okay. And, you know, we live in a world, I think, sometimes we're not teaching people how to overcome adversity and having that ability to pick yourself back up. And so I guess that truth would be just, you know, just keep going. every problem is definitely an opportunity um would be one for sure because that that has served me really well because there have been some times in my life where I was like I don't know how I got here I don't know where I'm gonna go but I've figured it out and it's amazing when you look back on those moments and sometimes your most painful moments in the present become your best memories in the future because you look back and you realize what you overcome and it was those painful moments that really got you where you're going so just be resilient and and keep finding new ways to reinvent yourself I guess would be number two you know and then when it comes to relationships make sure that you feel loved I guess yeah because like I just I only say that just because there have been times, for example, where any challenge that Natalie and I have had, I always thought to myself, I really feel her love.

1:07:57And to me, that's why I fight for that relationship. I think in relationships I had in the past, I didn't think about that. I didn't recognize that. And I very stubbornly fought for relationships that I didn't feel love because I was afraid of being a failure. So just be mindful of the love you feel from the people you surround yourself with. That's what I would say. It's a good one. Final question, Nick. What's your definition of greatness? I think resiliency. Yeah. I don't know. You know, I really value, um, my ability to overcome obstacles. Um, because I think that has, that's what has brought me to where I'm at in my life.

1:08:41because I think I've had challenges where I didn't think I'd overcome them. And so I guess I'm just really proud of that. And to me, whatever greatness I have in my life, I attribute to my resiliency. There you go. So, yeah. Nick, my man. Thanks for coming. I appreciate your time. I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast.

1:09:19If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcast and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels at Lewis Howes. I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better. And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter. And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

1:09:54And now it's time to go out there and do something great.