The #1 Reason You're Not Succeeding In Life [MASTERCLASS] EP 1430

0:00My friend, I am such a big believer that your mindset is everything. It can really dictate if your life has meaning, has value, and you feel fulfilled, or if you feel exhausted, drained, and like you're never going to be enough. Your mindset is everything. And our brand new book, The Greatest Mindset, just hit the New York Times bestseller back-to-back weeks. And I'm so excited to hear from so many of you who've bought the book, who've read it, and have finished it already, and are getting incredible results from the lessons in the book. If you haven't got a copy yet, you'll learn how to build a plan for greatness through powerful exercises and toolkits designed to propel your life forward.

0:39This is the book I wish I had when I was 20, struggling, trying to figure out life. 10 years ago at 30, trying to figure out transitions in my life. And the book I'm glad I have today for myself. Make sure to get a copy at lewishouse.com slash 2023 mindset to get your copy today. Again, lewishouse.com slash 2023 mindset to get a copy today. Also, the book is on Audible now, so you can get it on audiobook as well over there also. But it's not about winning. It's not actually about the goal. And so when we beat ourselves up because we miss an arbitrary number by an arbitrary date, and even if you hit the goal, the problem is...

1:20Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

1:44Welcome to this special masterclass. We brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today. It's going to be powerful. So let's go ahead and dive in.

2:01I believe self-doubt is one of the biggest killers to anyone's dreams. Yeah. So how does someone develop self-confidence and sustain it with the ever-going changes and stresses and uncertainties that always come up? Yeah. Once you reach a certain level, there's a new uncertainty. Yeah. So I think it's ironic that we call it self-confidence. Because I don't, for one, think it comes from the inside. I think our self-confidence comes from the outside. You mean that's the wrong way of going about it, or you think that's where it comes from in general? We are being misdirected by the name. When we say build your self-confidence, the instruction is saying go inside.

2:44Look inside oneself. But I think that's a false direction. Children aren't born self-confident. their confidence is built from their parents and their friends and their teachers where they're rewarded when they do well and they're pushed when they fail when they can do better simply you know what we know this that simply telling kids that they're great all the time actually doesn't build self-confidence actually does the total opposite right and I for one I can tell you my in my own experience my own self-confidence a hundred percent comes from the relationships that I have it's not some deep internal fortitude you know a world-famous trapeze artist is not gonna try a brand new death-defying act for the first time without a net so it's the people in my life it's it's when I do doubt myself that somebody says, you got this.

3:52When somebody says, I believe in you. When somebody says, no matter what happens, whether it succeeds or fails, I'm going to be by your side. That's when I have the confidence to do difficult things. Wow. I don't have some natural battery that just... Right. That to me is bravado. I don't know that self-confidence. You know, being a huge risk taker is not an indication of self-confidence to me. Jumping out of a plane and jumping out of a plane with a parachute are two different things. To me, self-confidence is measured and there should be a degree of doubt. But I think true self-confidence, belief in oneself and belief in one's cause, I could not do the things that I'm doing.

4:44and I would not have the strength to have made the sacrifices that I've made or continue to wake up on a daily basis to drive to spread this message if I were alone. And so when we talk about building one's self-confidence, I think the mistake that we make is that we look inside. I think the reality is when we try to build our self-confidence, we should be looking to our friends. We should be nursing our relationships. When I'm looking to build my self-confidence, the question is, who around me do I need to take care of? you know the way we build our self confidence is by helping somebody else build theirs it's an act of we will build our confidence with an act of service so I'll tell you a true story so I did an experiment I love doing experiments in my own life you know I have mad thoughts I'm like well let's try let's try this one out so I have a very dear friend who has stuck with me through thick and thin who she is absolutely profoundly one of the reasons that I am who I am today right and I have my confidence in large part because of her right she's one of a small group of people who I look at and say mm-hmm yep yep good friend right she was struggling like seriously struggling oh let me take a step back so we decided that we were gonna she look she was she was struggling she goes and she was going through some hard hard things in her life career wasn't going the way she wanted her personal relationship was struggling there was a there was a lot of she was lacking confidence there was a lot of rough she was lacking confidence yeah and we would get together on a regular basis and I would attempt to coach her you know and she'd feel great for the hour after she left me and then it would very quickly go back to normal and we'd get back together and I would coach her and she felt great for the hour after she left me and then it would go back to normal and I wouldn't I can't say that there was some profound change being made in her life so I had a harebrained idea I went to her and I said I need your help I said I'm struggling I don't have a coach that I that I love and trust you've known me for years I trust you with you know with everything I feel unbelievably safe around you I can you put together a program and can you coach me I think you're good at it and I it wasn't reciprocal It was an I'll coach you, you coach me.

7:09I said, it's just I need your help because I'm struggling. It was legit. It wasn't like I was just making stuff up. You were stressed. It was legit. I could do with the help and I trusted her to help me. And something profound started to happen. Over the course of just a few weeks, it wasn't even a few months, but over the course of a few weeks, she started to gain way more confidence. Her career started to really move in a more positive direction. Her relationship firmed up. and the more that she was in service to me, the more that she grew herself. So I think self-confidence, I wish we didn't call it self-confidence because like I said, I think it gives a false direction.

7:45The way we build confidence

7:50is with. You know, con means with, doesn't it? Interesting. So I have no idea the etymology of confidence. That's interesting. Just making stuff up here. but con means with.

8:06To confide. Let's look this up because fidelity is something to do with truth. So confide, right? Yeah, look it up with the etymology of confidence. To confide is to people, like a conspiracy is a co-whisper. That's what conspiracy is, a co-whisper. So confidence is co-fidelity. right so let's see if the instinct is matched by the etymology of the word and which if it isn't I'm still okay with it what does it say so it comes from late middle English confident translations origins and meaning here we go on late etymology dictionaries God love it where does the word come from it's about trust or reliance but what's the actual etymology of the word yeah I'm not going to sit here and waste everybody's time but it comes from comfidre and fidre means to trust to trust yourself or trust other people so com, what does com mean?

9:14it means with it means with trust wow that could be with trust with yourself I think it's been, that's my point I think it's been, I think it's like a A conspiracy requires two people. You cannot have a conspiracy with one person. It's a co-whispering. You commit the crime of conspiracy when you tell someone something, and you're both in on it. So I think confidence is the same thing. I think it's at least two people who undertake the task of trust and reliance. So she was coaching you, and you saw a change with over a few weeks of her confidence. and her belief in herself. Her belief in herself grew when she was in service to helping me.

10:07And so, that goes back to the root of the question. How do you build your self-confidence? Or how do you overcome self-doubt? How do you overcome self-doubt? Help someone else overcome self-doubt. I love that. I love that. You overcome self-doubt by helping. And it's not a selfish thing. I'm only helping you so I can. You have to genuinely love and commit to the person. So this person that you're helping, you have to genuinely care about their success and their confidence and their luck in life. Everything comes back to service. Like I said, it goes back to the origins of humankind, right? Which is we are naturally tribal animals and we actually are at our best when we are in service to each other in a cause greater than ourselves.

10:47The more we focus on what we're lacking, what we don't have, what's not working for us, the challenges we're going through, the more doubt we're going to have. Correct. When we're inwardly focused on what we don't have. Oh, I wish we'd had this conversation about eight months ago because I would have written half the stuff in the book. Well, I'm running a book on self-dump right now. Because this is what the infinite mindset is all about. A finite mindset is win-win-win, be number one, be the best. Me, me, me. Win-win-win meaning win at all costs, not win-win. Correct. Not win-win. Not win-win.

11:23It's win, win, come, win. Because the infinite game is you win, I win, the world wins. Right? We all win. Humanity wins. Right, it's a whirlwind. That's funny. It's not win, win. Right. So, right. So, we are players in infinite games every day of our lives, whether we like it or not. There's no such thing as being number one in marriage. Like, good luck with that. Right. That's not going to work. there's no one who's declared the winner of life. And there's no such thing as winning business or winning global politics. But if we listen to too many leaders, they talk about being number one, being the best, and beating their competition.

12:04This was me in my entire life. Yeah, it's a lot of people. Until like six, seven years ago, I learned that that doesn't work. And you're an Olympian. Well, I haven't made the Olympics, but I'm on the Olympic handball team, yes. On the national team. Okay, whatever. You're at the highest levels of athletics. Yes. You know this from spending time with athletes, which is individual athletes It's all about it where we're team athletes tend to be a lot healthier Yeah, so like individual athletes when they reach the top of their game Michael Phelps Andre Agassi They become the greatest in the world the next thing that happens to them is Depression right where as team athletes you win the World Series you win the Super Bowl It doesn't like deep depression is not the next thing that happens some people maybe but not But it's not in general and the you know Olympic athletes are such a unique and I talked to a bunch of them For this club a gymnast who are like 16 you have a billion people watching you win the gold medal Yeah, now what and it is one of the most selfish finite pursuits because the entire pursuit is I'm gonna be number one The gold medal right and they all say the same thing.

13:08I want to win the Olympics Well, you don't actually win the Olympics you win your event. Yeah, you know, but they all say the same thing I'm gonna win the Olympics right and And then they say nonsense like, you know, you know what to inspire all the little children? Not a single one of them on their vision boards has pictures of little children overcoming adversity. They have pictures of them standing on podiums, holding medals, holding up trophies, or the vision boards. It's entirely a selfish pursuit. And any inspiration to little kids is just a lucky strike extra that's really good for the press conference.

13:43Right, right, but not a single one of them is waking up doing it for the kids. I drag myself out of bed I'm running in the rain. I missed Thanksgiving for the kids didn't happen never on any planet, right? It was for me, right? And so there's this you know, whether they whether they medal or not When they when they're done even if they were medalists when they're done with the Olympics and their ability to pursue They spent their entire lives from their childhood to adulthood striving to be number one You know and let's be honest. They're not the best. They're just better than everybody else that day that day Which is really funny to me right which is you can get a gold medal in Pick and pick a sport ice skating and you fell in your routine, but if everybody else fell twice You're the best you're the best you're the winner But you're not you're just better than everybody else in the competition because it's fighting that yeah And finite has known players fixed rules and agreed upon objectives.

14:39It's only the players But it's not life and there's an imbalance. Yes finite games are very important finite games and finite objectives are essential In an infinite game right, but there but the infinite game is the context for those finite games I need to excel or or be the best here in order to X Right and recognize that this is not the end-all be all the analogy for living with an infinite mindset is not about winning Right the better analogy is exercise right So how do you how do you how do you be a healthy person? Well? You have to eat well you have to sleep get enough sleep You have to nurse your personal relationships and you have to exercise if you do some of those things You'll be healthier than doing none of those things But you kind of have to do them all right living an infinite mindset is the same thing There's a series of practices do some you'll be better than none But you kind of have to do them all right right and the way the finite mindset Fits into it is I want to get into shape.

15:43I've been sitting on the couch for most of my life watching TV I'm gonna get into shape and I have a fitness goal a finite goal that I can easily measure my weight I can look at a scale and I can measure the progress And I've made the goal that I'm gonna lose this amount of weight by this date and so I commit to a healthy lifestyle I eat better I exercise more and getting more sleep and I'm watching the weight fall off and I miss my goal I don't lose the amount of weight that I wanted to lose by the best time. Yeah So what yeah, you're still healthier and you're on your product on you're on the road to being healthier And I can see for a fact that you absolutely We'll hit the goal later on and even if you hit the goal the problem is you can't stop exercising You have to do it for the rest of your life Yeah, that's what an infinite mindset is an infinite mindset is more like a lifestyle which is yes Absolutely having finite goals is very important.

16:35We are absolutely driven by goals. We like measuring things It is much easier to get into the lifestyle of exercise and the habit of it if I have metrics look at the insanity of Fitbits and things like that which is overdone is actually unhealthy and has adverse obsessiveness. We'll talk you know It's not that the point is it's helping people get up and have a healthier lifestyle. We like measuring stuff Yeah, it's just it's a human thing right? But but it's not about winning. It's not about actually it's not actually about the goal the goal goals and Metrics are simply a way to help us measure speed and distance.

17:10I've lost this amount of weight over this amount of time Right you cannot run a marathon without mile markers. It's unnerving the mile markers help me measure how far How far I've gone and how fast have I gone and the metrics we have at work? Help us measure how far we're moving and how fast we're moving towards a vision that is for all practical purposes unrealizable Right, that's the infinite game. There's a context and so when we beat ourselves up because we miss an arbitrary number by an arbitrary date But the question is are we building a healthy organization? And I would rather organizations do all the right things to build a healthy organization even if they miss arbitrary dates One of my favorite stories is Gary Ridge from WD 40 WD 40 is a public company whose company That's a decent sized company, which is kind of incredible because it's basically just oil basically Basically what race it's you know, it's very sophisticated lubricant that was actually made for the for the space program But by the way, we talked about you know fancy food and their offices for you They just moved into a new office recently their old offices Or a dump really and yet the morale through the roof Why is that people love work because it was never about the office?

18:22It was about the people It's never about the office. It was about the people right anyway They have a lovely new office now, but still about the people that's why I said before it's you know Is it the food all depends on the company anyway? He was on one of his quarterly analyst calls and hit one of the analysts said You missed your numbers and Gary said no, I didn't I missed yours minor minor fine Wow, right? And that's the point which is we there's nothing wrong with having metrics and goals Those are very important human beings, but to what end what are we serving? Bigger than ourselves, right?

19:00So my analogy is like a night as like an iceberg, right? so We know that the majority of an iceberg lies underneath the water So when there's a tiny tiny tiny bit of the iceberg sitting above the ocean, right? It's the visionary who can see beneath the ocean It's the vintage visionary who set who stands there and and even though no everybody sees a tiny or nothing They can see nothing the visionary is able to explain what exists in their imagination only Okay, it only exists in their imagination and and they inspire a few people to join them because like that's yes We can do that and they start working and a little bit of the iceberg shows and a few people go Oh, it's gonna work And so they commit to joining the movement or the company and a little more of the iceberg shows Right and before too long enough of the iceberg shows that people can go.

19:54This is a real thing You're not insane and crazy. What you're doing is actually in reality But the thing is the vast majority of the iceberg still exists under the ocean And so what the visionary does is constantly remind us where we're going and how much more we have to do And though we can celebrate how much we've achieved how much of the iceberg is sticking up above the ocean The reality is we have way more work and when I die It's it's still going to be the majority underneath the ice

20:22What is the difference between a habit and a behavior and which one should we be focusing on more in order to get to where we want to be? Changing our behaviors or changing our habits? A habit is a subset of behavior. It's a pretty narrow subset actually if you look at the true scientific definition. So Wendy Wood of the University of Southern California is I think the world's expert on habit and she would define it pretty rigidly as something you basically do automatically without almost consciously realizing you're doing it. Like you sort of make the coffee in the morning with the coffee maker, you hit the buttons, you don't even remember.

20:56You brush your teeth, you're just like showering. You shampoo your hair, right? And you're like, did I do the shampoo already? I was thinking about something else. You jump to work and you don't know how you got there. You're like, what? Because you're on autopilot, right? So that's like, those are the really rote activities. Like you hand sanitize if you're working in a hospital and you didn't even notice you did. Did I do that already? Those are habits. I think there's been a lot of excitement and growth of, like, in the popular press, the idea that a habit is anything that you want to repeat.

21:23And I think that would actually, a lot of the things that we think of, and that we talk about casually as habits, are probably more in the category of routines, which is different. Like, often, it's a, like, if you're going to the gym, is it really a habit? You probably remember deciding to go to the gym. Maybe you do it at a consistent time. Maybe you do it a lot. But I would start calling a lot of these things more like routines, if you want to talk about the non-academic at any rate. Sure, sure. You know, a little bit like inside baseball, who cares? But I do think it's interesting there's distinction in the processes that drive one versus the other.

21:59I mostly, I study behavior, which is like a super category. It's even above routines or habits where, and it's just all behavior change requires different behaviors to happen. Some of them are going to be on autopilot. but some of them are going to be routine, and some of them are one-time decisions that have big implications for your life. So I actually think having all of those categories in mind when we think about change is really important as opposed to narrowly focusing on one or the other. So what is the definition of a behavior? Oh, that's an interesting question. What is a behavior? A behavior is an action you take.

22:36Really, everything is behavior. If it's inside your head, it's not a behavior, then it's like a judgment. But any actual action you take is a behavior. Any action you take. So what are the most common behaviors that we have that, I guess, hold us back? And then what are the behaviors that ultra performers... Okay, I thought you were going to go with most common. I was like breathing. No, the most common behaviors that hold us back. And then the most common behaviors of the ultra high performers, successful in business and sports, what are those behaviors that they tend to lean into versus the ones where people are stuck?

23:16Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Trying to ask you questions you've never been asked here. That's my goal. They're great. They're really great questions. Okay. Let me start with some of the most common behaviors. That keep us stuck. That keep us stuck. Yes. Yeah, I think common behaviors where we get stuck are, and this is like, you know, what are the most common New Year's resolutions? They're to change those behaviors that we get stuck on. So the most common things we get stuck on are things related to our health, right? We aren't making good decisions about what we eat, what we drink, whether we smoke, whether we're physically active.

23:52Those are really common points where we get stuck. are finances, right? Making good financial decisions on a daily basis about how we spend our money, how we save, who we give our money to. Those are places people often get stuck. We can get stuck in bad social loops. We sort of started by talking about relationships. So I think that's another place we get stuck, whether it's we're not, we feel like we're too shy, we're not meeting enough people, we're meeting the wrong people, we're in the wrong relationships. That's another area where we get stuck. I think education and career, I'd put them because one follows the other, and that's another category.

24:31If you're a student, you're trying to achieve, but we often get stuck on not really studying rigorously and putting the time in and the focus in, and then that converts to work where we're not being as productive as we could be. We're not setting ourselves up for success. Ultra performers or the elite who are accomplishing all their goals and pursuing their dreams what are those behaviors that they do really well so this I have never gone and interviewed the ultra performers and said like list for me all your behavior so instead of answering your question perfectly what I'm gonna do is tell you some of the behaviors that research shows lead to great outcomes and then certainly I have seen lots of top performers where I go oh, they're totally doing that.

25:13It's great. So I think one of the most important things is like leaning on structure as opposed to expecting to just sort of follow the Nike, just do it mantra. And by the way, when you talked about how you're training for your marathon, I noticed you immediately went to all the structures. Schedule, structure, accountability, coaching, investing money into it all so there's more investment in it. So it's like you've got to show up. That is like, for me, it's so ingrained in me that if you want to accomplish your goals, you've got to schedule these things you've got to do on a daily basis and make it like...

25:52Break it down. What's the daily goal? When are you going to do it? What's going to cue you to do it? Who's going to watch you do it? Everything. What's at stake for you? What's at stake for other people? What's the higher purpose that if you don't do this, who are you going to be hurting? And who is literally holding you accountable, right? Absolutely. You've got your coach involved. So those are the kinds of things that - So structure is one of the leading academic, the research that shows which will help you get more results. Yes. And there's so many pieces of that. And like each one of them we could unpack and talk about studies from, you know, okay, a big one is too often people say, I just have this big goal, you know, this big, I think if I set a big audacious goal and that, by the way, that's good.

26:31It's good to set stretch goals, but then you've got to break it down like into the, What are you going to do this week? What are you going to do today? What are those component parts? And people get a lot further research by Albin Jura, the late Albin Jura of Stanford, great thinker, sort of did some of the pioneering work on this. We just did a field experiment where we tested with thousands of people who wanted to be volunteering 200 hours a year. And they had committed to that goal. And we found that just sending them reminders not to volunteer 200 hours a year, but to volunteer four hours a week led to vastly better performance.

27:09Just that really simple change, even in the way you communicate about this. When you invite someone to start saving$5 a day instead of$150 a month, you get vastly higher take-up. Interesting. But it's identical. So just little framing shifts where you think about, let's break this down into the bite-sized component. Now it's harder to procrastinate on it. You can see how it's doable. It doesn't feel overwhelming. So you're saying, if my goal is to save$105 or invest$105 a month or whatever this is, Because are you saying it's not the best approach to say, I'm going to invest$105 a month, but I'm going to do$5 a day?

27:44Yeah. So I can't remember what this is. Yeah, it's$150 because it's like 30 days roughly in a month. $150. As opposed to saying, I'm going to save or invest$150 a month, trick your brain into saying, I'm going to invest$5 a day. Right. You're saying by doing that, what should happen? We should have - Many more people raise their hand and say, I can do this. As opposed to$150 is too big for some people. It sounds big. You start thinking like, oh no, where am I going to have to cut? Like, I'm not going to get to go out to dinner three times that I thought I was going to get to go out to. Am I going to make my rent?

28:18So you're like focusing on that big category,$150. And this was an experiment that was done led by Hal Hirschfeld at UCLA with the savings app, Acorns. And they just invited people. either some people get randomly assigned, do you want to save$5 a day or$150 a month? It's literally the identical outcome. They will take$150 out of your account. Monthly. Monthly. But they framed it differently and you get vastly higher take-ups. Something like five times more people are interested. It just feels doable. Yes. I mean, it's like anyone can find$5 on their couch or like hard, like the change. It's like, I can't do this every day, but 150 bucks may be like a big stretch.