The 3 BIGGEST Relationship Mistakes You’re Making (& How to Fix Them!)

30:54So I'm, you know, sharing that information because people might say, well, wait till five years, wait till 10 years, all these things. But the thing that really made me say, oh, this is, this is my partner. Right. And I can really feel safe emotionally, spiritually, physically safe with this person. it's early on I said, listen, um, I've made a lot of mistakes in my past relationships. Um, and none of my past relationships have worked, but in each one of them, I wanted to do therapy when they weren't working. Right. And the partners that I chose never wanted to do therapy with me. Right. They were resistant.

31:34They took a year and a half, two years of like it not working and me say, Hey, can we do this and find support? Yeah. And they never wanted to do it. Um, And I said, listen, this isn't really an ultimatum, but I want to feel emotionally safe. Would you be open to going to therapy in the beginning of the relationship? Not when things have problems in the future, but can we go together now? Yeah. She was like, 100%. That'd be amazing. I'm down for whatever. She was like, I've always wanted to do that too. Yeah. I felt like, okay, just her acknowledging that. Yeah. And then us doing it has been a beautiful foundational process of a safe space to, to talk about maybe touchy or uncomfortable conversations to create boundaries, agreements, and commitments.

32:28which has not, you know, removed all friction or conflict, but has removed a lot of it and given us a lot more grace and flexibility and freedom to have courage to communicate when there's something that, ah, that didn't feel right. Let's talk about it. And that was a beautiful thing, just asking that question. So I don't know what that question is. It's not the therapy question, but it's more like, hey, are you open to having outside support and having these conversations? Yeah, it's really powerful. And so for me, that was a beautiful conversation. Well, you know, the question it relates to in the book is the bad day question.

33:10The bad day question. Because what can we learn from frustrating past relationships? And it's like, and these are my words, not yours, Lewis, but it's like when the relationship was hard, I didn't feel like I had the support I needed and I didn't feel the other person was as committed to repair or fixing it than I was. And that's what I really want in this. And, you know, there's a definition of like an adult to adult relationship. An adult to adult relationship is being able to ask for what you want, knowing that the answer might be no. you know you don't get always get what you want but being able to ask for what you want is a really rare thing and a really powerful thing and you know you know it just feels like from your story it's like what i've learned is i've figured out what i want and i've got the courage to ask for what i want and that made all the difference and the courage to walk away you know the steady question what are your practices and preferences you know i was very clear with her in the beginning of us dating, really in the first couple of days of meeting each other, I said, this is who I am.

34:18This is my vision. This is where I'm heading. This is what I will be doing. And this is what I will not be doing. And I will not be living this type of relationship or this type of life. If you want to put me into some stereotypical box of certain relationships, that's not me. That doesn't mean I'm going to be out of alignment with a monogamous relationship, but I'm a driven human being. Yeah. I'm, you know, I run this business. I've got a vision. Yeah. That is going to take a certain amount of energy and effort. Right. And she asked me a question early on, which essentially is what are your preference?

34:52What are your preference questions? She said, what are your priorities? Yeah. And I never had the courage before to be honest with my priorities. Yeah. Now this may evolve over time and anything else, but I said, listen, no woman wants to hear what I'm going to tell you. Are you sure you want the answer? Are you sure you want the truth? It was kind of like my Tom Cruise moment. You can't handle the truth, right? I said, are you sure you want me to tell you the truth? She said, yes. And I said, I don't think you're going to want to hang out with me after you hear this. Right. Because no one in the past was able to handle it, was able to receive it.

35:29Right. And so she said, yes. And I said, okay, well, it's been good knowing you, but here are my priorities. Good for you. A brave moment. And I was like, but I wasn't willing to abandon myself anymore, which is what I had always done. I'd abandoned to make someone else feel okay or safe or secure or whatever, as opposed to just, this is who I am. It made them means we're not the right fit for each other. Right. We're not the right match for this type of relationship. Yeah, but let me show you my cards. Yeah. And let's see how this goes. But I always lacked that emotional courage because I was afraid of hurting people.

36:03Right. and I said my priorities my number one priority is my health and no woman wants to hear that they're not the number one priority in a relationship with an intimate partner really they don't like that most of them at least and I said my number two priority is not you or the relationship either and no one wants to hear they're not number one or number two please number two at least give me a silver medal Exactly. No, I said my intimate relationship will be my third priority. Now let me give context because I need my health to be a top priority so that I have more energy, focus, and value to you and to my second priority.

36:45It's that kind of foundational thing that allows everything else to be built, relationships and business. And to my second priority, which is my vision, my mission to serve people. And if you hold me back from my health and I feel unhealthy, I'm not going to be good for you. If you hold me back from my purpose and you try to deter me from that, I'm going to be resentful, frustrated, like antsy. But if you are in alignment that these are my top two priorities, you're going to feel like the number one priority. And so it's creating that context and conversation, just setting the stage and just being like, you can never pull me away from these things unless there's some emergency or whatever, but it can't be this, I don't want you going to the gym.

37:25I don't want you working on your mission. I don't want you, I need you here with me more and i was like i'm not that guy yeah maybe in 10 years that'll change and i will be well what but right now i'm not what was the work you did that allowed you now to ask for what you want can be as clear as that i needed to heal a lot of my inner child wounds right really and and have a different relationship with my younger psychological self that never got to hear or be validated the way that I needed to validate it and never got to heal or mend painful memories. So it wasn't until I was able to mend the memories of the past and create new meaning around them and create a sense of connection and an intimate relationship with my painful wounds of repair.

38:17That's when I was like, okay, I am safe. I am free. I am peaceful as I am. I don't need to please you to feel loved and accepted and free. And I was able to say, okay, I'm happy alone if this relationship doesn't work, but I'm never going to abandon myself again. So that was a big part of it, having that healing journey and doing the therapeutic work on that. You can go, Michael, stop interviewing me and don't ask me about my partner. But I'm curious to know if you were able to ask her what she wanted like what her priorities were yeah i asked her yeah really really early on yeah and she you know one of these this conversation where she asked me about my priorities she was like i was like what do you want what's your vision and what's your vision for intimate relationship you know a committed relationship long term um i've said this on the show before a few times, but I was like, you know, she said, well, I want to be married and have kids.

39:23And that's something that I want and I value. I said, okay, cool. I value that as well, but I can't tell you that in the first couple of weeks that that's going to happen with us. So I need to feel safe. I need to feel time, a foundation. So if you're cool with that, knowing that maybe. It's a maybe, yeah. But everything has to work out for me to feel like a yes. I can't commit right now.

39:50What do you see is the difference maker for healthy, long-lasting love for decades versus those that stay married a long time but aren't happy and those that eventually get divorced? I think the statistics are something like 50%, right? So 50 % of all marriages end in divorce. The illusion is that the 50 % that are left are happy. No, they're not. No, they're not. Maybe 15 % or something. Maybe, right? And we don't really know. I mean, Like if you went and polled everybody, you might be even shocked. Part of the deal is the bar's very low. So the bar's something like we get along. Right. Like that's it.

40:24I've got t-shirts I get along with. What's it really all about? If that's the struggle, if the struggle is to get along, like I said, that's a very low bar. You get along with lots of people. Right. Really what I've found to be the case, and it's not, I'm not looking at like particular people for examples, right? But I'm going to look at like what keeps a human being involved in anything, right? So I love to play guitar. Why? Because I engage with that thing. I'm curious about that thing. I want to get better at that thing. I like how it feels when I accomplish something in that thing. If you take that in any aspect of your life, the same thing holds true.

41:00My relationship with my wife is a function of who I am in it. And I need to keep bringing that to it. There's no time when this is a done deal. oh, you know, I have to keep showing up here, not for like for longevity, which is I think where a lot of people get messed up. People look at the relationship, well, I can't do this for the rest of your life, the rest of my life. And I'm like, well, you don't have to. Let's do it today. Right, like, right. It's like being on a diet. I don't need to go on a diet for three months. I just need to be on it right now. Yeah. And it is moment to moment to moment to moment to moment because that's really all you have.

41:32But so what I do notice is that the areas of life where you are flourishing most there is some profound relationship you have between what you say and what you do. There's a profundity at play. So if you look at any area you're successful, you are literally doing what you said you would do, even when what? I don't feel like it. Yeah. Right? Marriage is the same. Marriage is the same. Marriage, and I talk about this in the book, I say, especially in the Western world, But you look at, and I'm using marriage as kind of a model, but it applies to all relationships. Yes. But in a marriage, there's this ceremony.

42:14There's this coming together. Or you make an agreement, a commitment. Very good. And you use words. And it's a vow. Yes. Right? And I talk about the bankruptcy of the vow in a marriage because nobody vows anything anymore. Or they vow it, but they don't live up to the... Well, because they don't have a relationship to a vow. So we're not going around in life going, I vow to meet you at three o 'clock. Right, right. Right, nobody's saying that. But 200 years ago, when you vowed something, the American Declaration of Independence is just people vowing. They brought something into existence on the strength of what they said.

42:47Yes. There was no fighting. Well, there was some fighting. But they created a nation from words. Right. Right. I mean, that's what that is. That's like a declaration, right? We're declaring we're independent. What do you mean you're independent? Well, we just declared it. So we are. And we vow our lives in our sacred honor. And most of those people literally gave their life for that. They literally gave their life to that promise. I bet they were scared. Absolutely. I bet they were intimidated. But their word was greater than that experience of themselves. That's the same in any area of your life.

43:25You have to start realizing that what you say is a big deal. And what you say to yourself is a big deal. A lifetime of constantly bending, shaping, and breaking your word to yourself will leave you with a diminished relationship to you. You'll never do great things because somewhere in there you think you're full of it because you've broken your word to yourself so many times. You're out of integrity with yourself. Very good. There's no power to those words anymore. What happens when we are out of integrity so consistently with ourself or even one time with our word? What happens to ourselves?

43:59Well, I mean, you got to start relating to what you say like it's important. Just like it's important. Start there. I said I was going to, and this is important, not because the thing's important, but what I said to myself and my relationship to that thing is what's important. Yeah. So any area in life, like I said earlier, where you're powerful or successful, you'll see you have a very strong relationship to what you said. Very strong one. Sometimes you're committed to that thing. There's just no question for you. Like it's on like Donkey Kong, you know, you're just doing it. Why is it easier in some areas of life than it is in others to be consistent with what you say and what you want to do?

44:42Right. And that's eventually, it's great that you kind of put it that way because that's the path you'll follow. But the real strength of you is when you can say something, like for instance, when I was in my mid forties, I said, I'm going to produce authentic wealth. What's the difference between authentic and inauthentic? Yeah, I'm doing it for that, not for anything about me, which was wild for me because everything up to that point about money was all about fixing something about me or my life. And I was just doing it to see if I could do it, which I'd never done before. And I'd never fully given it that attention, like just for that.

45:22And so I put a number on it, which was a crazy number for that time in my life. Like crazy number. For your 40s of what? How much you wanted to make? I was 45, yeah. And I said, I'm going to do it. I'm going to use my 50s for that. And I'm going to produce it, right? I produced it by the time I was 52. And I only really started when I was 48. So I did it really fast. The amount of money that you wanted to make. The amount of money that I said. But it was wild because I had no attachment to it. What do you mean? Like there was no emotion in it for me. There was no like desperation. No, like I got to do it.

45:56No burning. It was just like I said I was going to do it and I'm doing it. So I ended up with this really kind of flat relationship between my words and my actions. Like it was flat. Like there were days when I felt like doing it and there were days when I didn't feel like doing it. But the interesting thing for me was when I declared it, when I said I was going to do it, like the Declaration of Independence, I had no idea how I was going to do something like that. No, you're just different. Like, I don't know how you even, I'm not a money guy. You know, I'm not. But now it's game on because I created the top of the mountain in my speaking.

46:30So I spoke the top of the mountain and the existence. And then you figured out how along the way. But that's now the game now. The game, people say, well, you know, how do you even do such a thing? Well, that's the first question. How do you even do such a thing? And you might have to engage with that question for two years or three years or four years. but you've got to be actively resolving some of that stuff for yourself. Well, it's the same in love. Like I'm committed to the most loving, passionate, and adventurous relationship that's possible. That's the top of the mountain. The top of the mountain speaks to me every day.

47:06I can tell whether I'm walking that path or not. That influences this. It's not even necessarily about that. It's more about what that does with this. Well, how does that shape me today? How does that, am I lining up with what I said or not? And if I'm not, I might have a lot of reasons, excuses, and justifications for that. But at the same time, am I going to treat that like it matters to me? Or am I going to just be like, well, you know, so far so good. Or it's been a tough week. Or, you know, there's a lot in my mind. Or, you know, are you being a jerk? Why am I loving with you? Because I said I would.

47:47and that's what matters to me yes that's what matters that i said i would matters to me someone once told me that the key to his success in relationships was 80 of it was who you choose yeah 80 of the relationship success is you know how you match well with the person you're choosing yeah you only spent i guess a year with the person that you chose yeah did you know that when you were choosing this person? Did you were like, okay, I feel like we're going to be in a great alignment with our values and our vision and our lifestyle? Or was it more of just a feeling that you felt connected to this person and you decided?

48:23I did what everybody does, right? What everybody does is they get in a relationship because they feel as if this person resolves something about themselves. That's what I did. And so there was something about this woman that I thought, wow, like being with her, everything seems right. Like I feel good about me. Right? feel good and talk about her. Right, Ali. Like, there's something getting fixed here. So no, I'm not that pragmatic. And I think most people aren't that pragmatic. And I think there's an illusion there that somehow you'll find the one. And really, I feel as if the job is to explore what's possible between you and this person, whoever that person is, and their potential and your potential.

49:07And so it was less about having, like, finding something that matched up with me, which I don't know if that would work for me. It might work for some people, but I don't know if that would work for me. What was really captivating for me at the time was being with her had me feel a lot better about me. And I think I really fundamentally believe that that's what most people go into relationships for. Is that the right thing to look at or is it? No, that's an absolute. Because then you're always relying on that person to make you happier. Well, because whatever that thing is that they satisfy for you is something you haven't sorted out for yourself yet.

49:42So eventually you're going to have to do that. Otherwise, you're always needing that from someone else. Right. So you go in there and they're the solution and you end it with the notion that they were the problem. Ah, wow. And what's consistent in all of that is you. Right. I mean, I don't know if anybody's ever noticed this, but in every crappy relationship you've ever had, it's got one common denominator. That's you. Right. It's always you. It was a big awakening I had after my previous relationship ended. I was like, man, it's been 10, 15 years of relationships that started and then that crumbled in some way or that fell apart.

50:22And the core of all those things was me. Was my choices, was my getting into, attracting those relationships, was this commitment to those relationships, was the unwinding those relationships. And so why was I choosing these types of relationships? What was unresolved within me that I get to take a look at now? Or I'm going to keep repeating this pattern until I address the thing inside of me. Right. So what's great about your kind of pathway, if you like, you can't, first of all, you've got to be able to look at that distinct from blame, right? And I know a lot of people just heard what you said and thought, well, but what if it is them, right?

51:02I know a lot of people, people sitting there right now going, dang it, I did say that to myself. And I say, well, if you take away who's to blame. And so sometimes people say stuff like, why do I keep attracting these kinds of people? And I say, well, what if it's not attraction? What if you are literally looking for them? What if you're seeking something about that person that initially solves what you're dealing with, but will allow it to keep perpetuating? like it keeps showing up and showing up. I call that an identity relationship. There's something about you, and it's the same for the other person, that when you get past all the stuff, whatever's incomplete will keep getting activated there, will keep showing up.

51:51So when you start to see it like, oh, these are just two human beings, doing what human beings do, then it's not personal. which is radical when you get it like that like it's not personal it's not personally them personally me like these are just two beings trying to work this out and what work what out will essentially work themselves out yeah so that's why i insist with people the greatest work you'll ever do you'll ever do is to get complete with your first 20 years of life so true First 20 years. Because everything after that is a reflection of it. I spent 26 years in Glasgow. 26 years. I've been longer here.

52:39And I still identify with that like it's me. But I've been longer here. And it's some of the colloquialisms and the traditions. Like I identify with that because it became so imprinted. In my second book I talked about you're the little magic sponge. and you're not soaking up all of life, you're soaking up the bits. And then when you hit about 20, that little sponge just hardens. And whatever's in there, that's it. It's in there. And that's what you use. Right. That logic. And until you awaken to that and realize that all of that that's there is really only a potential you. There's so much more.

53:27If you think about it like quantum physics, right? Like multiple universes, endless universes all happening at the same time, multiple potentials. Well, that's every second of your life. Every second of your life, there's a myriad of potential yous that could be talking right now. And what you typically do is the you that you did the second before and the second before. And so it perpetuates. until you get aware, until you start to be like, oh, I'm not stuck with this. I could literally be somebody else. When? Right now. Right now I could be somebody else. I could say something else. How many things did you realize in your first 20 years of life that you needed to deal with or face or integrate a healing journey?

54:16I think all of it. Really? I really think all of it. I think I had to come to terms with, like when I was really young, I felt as if I was too small. Uh-huh. built in underneath with that was I'm not strong. Right. I'm weak. I'm not enough. I'm being picked on. So there's all of that. And then I'm not lovable. And then for me, it was I'm not smart enough. And I'll never be smart enough. See, that's the thing with these things. At that part of your life, it's not that I'm not lovable, that I'm not smart enough, that I'm not strong enough. It's that I'll never be that way. I'll never be that way.

54:49It seems daunting. Right, right. So all of your persona and your personality is designed for you to overcome that. But that can't go away. Because if that goes away, if you base your whole personality on that. Your identity is based on that. Now you're just facing a crisis because now it's like everything that I base myself on, what if it's not true? Then who am I? And people go nuts with that stuff. And I say, well, take a breath and think of it like who you are is a moment of time. And in any moment of time, there's the possibility of you expressing something new that you've never expressed before.

55:34Something that's not based on anything other than the moment you're in. It's not based on a previous logic. It's like literally an opportunity for you to show up as something new of your own creation. Everybody has a possibility. Everybody has the opportunity for that. And it is a way of living life. And it's not like, oh, this guy's found a secret to everything. No. I'm a human being too. I'm wired a certain way. It's there now. The question is, how aware of that am I? and how responsible can I be for that play in my life? Am I going to own that or is that going to own me? And that's the space we all want to be in.

56:20It's a space called choice. Yeah. And it's a real choice. What do you wish you would have done differently in the first few years of your relationship with your wife? Would you have had different conversations? Would you have created different agreements to cause less kind of friction or pain or stress in the first decade, I guess, until you started to unwind your identity and tap more into this loving being as opposed to this hardworking being that cared for her. Well, in the first few years of my life, it was very passionate. So I was crazy about this girl. It was very passionate. And this was a time in my life when I was a musician.

56:56So I'm playing in a band, and there's this beautiful woman who loves me. You know, like life is amazing. Life is good, man. You know, we've got three sons now, but the first eight years of our marriage is just my wife and I just having a brilliant time together. So this is great. And we were like the antithesis to like married couples. You know, we were like happening. You know, this is all great. But now when I look back on that, there really was no look down the road. There was no like, what's this about? You know, it's just, it was all very much riding that particular roller coaster. Living in the moment of fun and adventure.

57:34Right, but the problem was nothing was getting created. There was no, this is what we're up to. There's no vision coming to life. Right, but that was on a very personal level. There was no thought in my head like, so where does this go? You know, it was just like, well, let's see. You know, as there shouldn't be, by the way, when you're in your 20s and 30s. There's no like, what would it be like when I'm in my 40s or my 50s or my 60s with this woman? You know, it was all just about making my way through where I was. The brick wall that I had, like I said a little earlier, was mid to late 30s. And I'm like, I don't work anymore.

58:11Like this. How did you know you weren't working? Was it a feeling? Was it a stress? Was it a lack of mission or purpose? Was it a lack of love for yourself? How did you know, like, I'm not working? Yeah. There was this kind of very fundamental experience of dissatisfaction. Like no matter what I did, it doesn't matter what I do. In the results, in the success, you weren't satisfied. It's funny because, and there was kind of earlier parts of my life, and I assert this is true for all human beings, you think the next thing is going to solve it. And then you get there and the problem's still there.

58:46And you might not fully have fleshed out that problem yet, but you know it's there. Like if you look back at the accomplishments of your life, when you had them going for it, you're like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. And then you had it and you're like, now what? Yeah. Right. Now what? Right. Now what? And then it's the next thing. You do six of them. I'm like, huh? I'm not feeling what I'm supposed to be feeling. Right. How come I'm not feeling it? Because it never resolves whatever the thing was. And so if there was anything I wish I'd really identified, and I don't mean this from a space of regret I really don't but it would have been kind of neat to identify the hole that I was trying to fill you know it would have been neat to see what I'm doing I'm just happy that I did identify people go through their whole life and never there's no introspection there's no like and introspection is a funny thing because you can do too much of that too right you can go too deep you need to just kind of relax sometimes and live life Right.

59:49You got to be like, well, it's kind of like the way I've always related to it since I started to work on myself is, okay, that's a good little insight. How am I going to use this? Yeah. So I'm always using it for some thing in my life or some good in my life or the people that I'm at the impact. Because you can get, you can start to kind of get off on that. Like, oh, that's a great discovery. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. But it doesn't actually show up in the reality of your life. You got to make it show up. Yeah, I guess that's the only real thing. like what was the hole I was trying to fill.

1:00:20Because if you could have done that earlier, then what would you have done in those first 10 years? There's a kind of force for life that you have when you're 20, which gets you by. Yes. It gets you overcome a lot of hills, a lot of mountains. There's just a kind of forward trajectory that maybe I'd have used it for something else. Maybe it would have been. But then when I look back, I think the context that I choose for that time now when I look back on it is, like I really had to go through the darkness to realize that that wasn't the light. Right. Because when you're in that, you think this is like I'm going somewhere.

1:00:57Yeah. You know, and then there's a point where you're like, I'm going nowhere. Yeah, exactly. I'm going nowhere. Yeah. And so the context that I choose for that now is it was a brilliant learning process for me, real life learning process. I just turned 39. And I told you before that I always wanted to, in relationships, start a therapeutic coaching, counseling experience in the beginning of a relationship as opposed to two, three, five years in when there's some challenges and let's try to solve something or resolve it and get back to a place of love and peace. And so I'm creating that in my current relationship.

1:01:36It's a beautiful thing because there's not like an issue or a problem. Right. And I was asking our coach, I was like, how many people come to you when there's no issues? She was like, it almost never happens. Right. It's always when there's like a big breakdown or something. Yeah. And so it's kind of build this foundation from the beginning. It's trying to learn from my mistakes of the past 15 years and do it in a different way. Yeah. Approach it in a different way. I'm curious, what would your advice be? I just turned 39. As I go into my 40th year and then this decade. Yeah. how do you wish you would approach it differently?

1:02:07Or how did you do it that was successful for you that you would recommend to someone going into their 40s or even in their 20s going into their 30s? But a new decade, how would you approach it? You've got to make it about something. Like a mission. It's got to be about something. If it's not about something, you're wasting your time. It's got to be about something, right? And I think that's a great way to split it up in the decades like that. And you can start your decade at 33. Right, right, right. But if you make it about something, like this is the decade of personal discovery. This is the decade of making a difference.

1:02:41This is the decade, like for me, was authentic wealth, right, for that decade. In your 40s? My 40s was all about making a difference. This is about my wife being about somebody other than me. In your 40s? In my 40s. And I devoted myself to that. And I still do, right? What was the 50s then? So the 50s was supposed to be about this authentic wealth, which I scooted through that in two years. You know what I mean? And how did your relationship evolve as you started to bring more money to the relationship and the family? Because a lot of people struggle in marriages or relationships with money conversations.

1:03:20Did you see an improvement of the quality of your relationship? Did you see challenges in talking about money? how did you guys address money when it's such a big factor for breakup, divorce, stress in relationships? Somebody once gave me this little nugget, and I believe it to be true, when somebody said, what's the difference between wealthy and not wealthy? And somebody said to me, it's just better hotels. Right. Yeah. Nicer flights. Yeah. Yeah. And that's basically it For me, I never made it mean anything. My three boys, they're very grounded. They're not in any way enamored by money or anything like that.

1:04:03My 10-year-old thinks if he could spend$10 on his next game of FIFA, that's a big result. It's like, yay. I just bought that FIFA pack for$10. It's a good day. And I don't shower them with stuff. You know, I don't, we don't do that. It just seems kind of ridiculous. As a family, we're very much about our experience of being alive. And whatever money we might have or not have is always about that. Like it's always about enhancing that and embracing that and exploring that as a family. What do you think is the overall key from everything you learned to having a fulfilling relationship then? It's got to be grounded in what matters.

1:04:46I realized that two things that mattered to me in life were love and adventure. I realized that that was now my job in my relationship to bring it, not to seek it, and to bring it because it's who I am. When you take away the notion that you're seeking it, it's a whole lot easier to actually be in relationship. Because a lot of people say, I'm looking for love. If they're single, I'm looking for love. I'm looking for adventure. But if you be love, if you're being love and you're being adventurous, you will be it. You won't redefine it. You are it. And you'll find you'll attract other people who are it as well.

1:05:19The interesting thing about my wife and I, which was really has been brilliant since I took on this kind of perspective, is she's not always looking for what I'm or expressing what I'm expressing. She's expressing her expression of what it is to be in relationship, which is sometimes really different. You know, like she's got a different expression of love than I do. But I'm not sitting there like, oh, you know, feed me that. I'm more like, this is an opportunity. This is an opening in my life. This is an opening in time for me to get this up. And she's given it her version. And it really isn't 50-50.

1:05:57It's not like that. Because I don't, like I told her, I don't need you to be anyone but yourself. Just be yourself. What happened when you shifted that? It was just like this massive release of pressure. It was like, oh, we're okay. Like, you can just be you. You don't need to control something. You don't need to fix something. You don't need to change something. Nothing about this woman. Does that mean, like, it's all, like, if I look at my wiring and the way that I'm wired? No. I get hooked and I get triggered and I get, like, one of the things that we did, by the way, that I think is important is we made it okay to argue.

1:06:35It's okay. Even if it's a stand-up argument fight and she called me some and I called her some, it's okay. right it's this doesn't this isn't all adding up to the exit it's not it's like a moment in time it's like something happened okay being forgiving is a massive part of my wife and and a massive part of my relationship i don't i'm not going to string you up for something you did or said like i'm not um you're a human being too in other words there's a lot of space that i'm continually making I make a lot of space for my wife. I make a lot of space for my children. So whatever way they are, it's got a lot of room.

1:07:21I'm not like pressing on it and compressing it. And you should be in control. Now, let me just back off and let that be. It'll dissipate. It's okay. And so there's a lot of that in a relationship. But you probably have to be okay with who you are and comfortable with your own skin in order to create the space of whatever emotions or environment happens. You've got to be dealing with that healing journey continuously so that you're not reactive to it. That's a critical part of it. You have to give yourself the room to be a human being. Stop holding yourself to some ideal. You're not always going to be perfect.

1:07:55There's got to be times in your life when you look at it like, oh, did I even? I was a real jerk there. Like, oh, my gosh. I wish I could take that back. And I'll initially go there and then I'll be like, hold on a minute. I'm a human being too. And I think that's one of the things that's drawn a lot of people in my work. I'm not professing to have every answer. And I'm not floating around here like, you know, Gandhi or something. You know, I'm not like this isn't, I'm not a perfect kind of human being on one hand. Right. Or maybe I am. Yeah, exactly. Maybe this is what it is, you know, to be a human being.

1:08:40It's all of it. It's all the things. I really believe you're just a vessel for experiences. Absolutely. And some of them are great. And some of them are kind of crappy. And it's okay. You know, the more you try and fix it or shape it or move it, you're kind of nailing it down rather than letting it just pass it off. This is powerful, man. And I've got a couple of final questions for you, but I really love this conversation in your book, Love Unfair. Getting your relationship together is out. People can buy it on Amazon or wherever books are sold. We'll have it all linked up as well in the description in the show notes.

1:09:14But where are you on social media the most or how can we connect with you beyond the book? And I love the short but packed books because I can read them. So I appreciate this. No, that's good. I love that you said that too because I really feel as if the value in my books is in the thinking you're going to have to do. It's not necessarily like you're going to take something out of there linearly. Yes. But yeah, I'm everywhere, but Instagram's like a favorite of mine. Obviously, I spend a lot of time on there. I love to give people stuff that they can think about and chew on. But I'm also on Facebook.

1:09:50I'm on Twitter. And obviously, my website, GaryJohnBishop.com. There you go. And you've got all the information for your books there and everything else you're up to at garyjohnbishop.com. Yeah. Lovers, man, I got a question for you. This is called the three truths question I ask everyone at the end. Yeah. So imagine hypothetical scenario. It's your last day on earth many years away. You live as long as you want to live. Okay. You are the vessel that experiences life to the fullest and you accomplish what you want to accomplish. But for whatever reason, you've got to take all of your work with you.

1:10:21Yeah. On the last day. The books, the content, this interview, for whatever reason, got to go somewhere else. Okay. So it's not left in the world. But you get to leave behind three lessons with the world, three things that you know to be true from your life experiences. And this is all we'd have to remember you by. What would you say are those three truths? The only truth is the one you've agreed with. The second one would be you are an unlimited potential, whether you believe that or not. And be kind. Yeah. I want to acknowledge you, Gary, for a moment because you've had an amazing journey and you've dedicated this, I guess, second phase of your life to service.

1:11:01Right. To using your experiences, your thinking, your challenges, the pain, and creating work that inspires and serves and educates. And I really acknowledge you for showing up consistently with your perfect imperfections and just sharing what you know, sharing what you've learned and putting it in ways that we can understand it that might be confusing at times. So I really acknowledge you for showing up big the way you have. And I think shifting a identity that you are so stuck on from the way you grew up and being okay with letting it die and also holding on to some of it and transforming, I think, is so hard for so many people.

1:11:40I know it's hard for me. So I really acknowledge you for shifting that and being constantly in a reinvention phase of your life and in service to so many people. Well, thank you for that generous acknowledgement. That was really brilliant. One of the things, I'm going to acknowledge you for a second, if you don't mind. Sure. So I think you're a brilliant example, like a truly brilliant example of what it is to be vulnerable. Thanks, man. And it screams. Thanks, man. In a really great way. Thank you. Appreciate it. Appreciate it, man. I think, yeah, the last eight, nine years, I've really opened up and allowed myself to be vulnerable at any moment.

1:12:14Great. I get it. It's not easy. No. It's not easy. But I think the more I embody vulnerability, the more my heart is open to receiving people, to having intimate conversations, to being able to share things that are sad or scary or whatever might be coming up for me. So I appreciate it. And I receive it, man. Yeah. My final question for you. And again, I want to make sure people get the book. We'll have it all linked up. But my final question, Gary, is what's your definition of greatness? Oh, that's a brilliant question. Right. So it's the triumph of the human spirit. It's the opportunity for somebody to go beyond whatever that might be for you.

1:12:57And sometimes it's a simple thing like going beyond some old hurt or pain. But sometimes it's going beyond a situation or circumstance. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well.

1:13:37Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.