The PSYCHOLOGICAL TRICKS To Master CONFIDENCE & Crush Fear

0:00Confident people don't care how right they are. They don't. When you're confident, it's like, I know what I know. I'm good with it. You have to check in with yourself and realize, am I being a coward? I think bravery is something that we don't speak about, and courage is something we don't speak about. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

0:39Welcome to this special masterclass. We brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today. It's going to be powerful, so let's go ahead and dive in.

0:57how can someone overcome that fear of you know a classmate laughing about them or saying oh that was a dumb question or just something maybe bigger than putting something out on social media and getting attacks or or whatever it might be how do people overcome that insecurity well i think do think we've taken a step back actually in in-person communication a huge step everything now is people are more comfortable in texting and communicating through social. And then when it comes to in-person, something's completely shifted. You can see people having a harder time communicating in person and everyone's kind of deviating towards typing, texting, or email.

1:36It's become the comfort space zone. What's the easiest way to communicate without... Text. Yeah, exactly. Text is the easiest. Email. So here's the thing. In-person is the best way to communicate, by the way whenever i can speak to somebody in person or sit down and see them like this this is where you get the best the best is where you get magic right then there's zoo okay then there's the phone phone is another great way but when you go to email you still have to write you can but long form sentences you have to write properly texting is just a couple of words yeah and that is where everyone's kind of shifted to gone it's also the on an um when i text or when i post on social i'm not as it's keyboard courage i'm not you wouldn't say it to someone you never say to somebody's face i feel like you should only say things online with what you would say to that person yes face otherwise what are we doing yes if you can't look at somebody and say it then you write it but it's the anonymity that I can write this stuff and then I can take out whatever's going on in my life out on somebody else and I can feel brave in that way but it's such a false way to be brave what does that do to the person communicating in that way having that false bravery by saying something strong or powerful or aggressive online but the unwillingness to do that in person what does that do to that person you have to check in with yourself and realize it's am i being a coward if i can't say something to somebody's face but i can do it over text there's something that's missing i think bravery is something that we don't speak about encourages something we don't speak about we don't do it in a very overt way in a very physical way in a very engaged way.

3:28It's talked about as this like thing. Oh, be brave, be motivated. Well, where is that? You have to manifest that with your body. You have to do it. And it's doing it in the day-to-day decisions that you make. So going back to my class, it's interesting. We talk about criminal justice, right? Criminology. And sometimes we'll talk about even being, for example, I showed them a video of somebody who fell on these New York City train tracks in New York City. and there were all these people on the platform. One person gets down to go help the person. And so I asked them, would you do that? The majority of the class, no.

4:06No, hell no. No, whoa, I'm not going to do that. And I hear that and I think something is lost there amongst us. When the answer, at least I feel, through my belief system again, is that the overwhelming answer should be like, I would want to help save another human being's life. I would want to help save somebody else. But we've come to this place where it's very much self-preservation. Don't say anything wrong. Don't do the wrong thing. Right? And attack in a way that's safe and comfortable. Or not even attack, but you can disagree. And here's the other amazing thing. I think we don't understand how to disagree.

4:44So you can disagree or you can be competitive. It's something actually that you're taught in interviewing and in interrogations. Are you trying to be competitive in interrogation? So when I say competitive, I mean that I can disagree with you in a healthy way. So you call it competitive dialogue. How does it look? If I say, you know, the sky is green today. Okay. Tell me why you think the sky is green. It just looks green. You know, I just see the color, you know. I don't know. Maybe it's a reflection of something, but it's green. It's not blue. Okay. So now what I would do in that moment is ask you why you think of it that way, why you see it that way.

5:28What is your belief system? You're not disagreeing with me and saying, oh, no, you're an idiot. It's blue. Yes. You're not doing that. You're not getting defensive or aggressive. Because that is your value system. So I may, for example, I have a very strong belief system, fitness and working out. It's been part of me. But that's my belief system. It is not somebody else's. If I try to impose it to somebody. So for example, when you hear somebody say, I have to lose weight, I have to lose weight, their belief system is not really based upon working out in fitness. So I can turn around and be very direct.

5:59And that's being direct with someone is the way you lose people. So what you want to do is you want to always let people talk, even if you don't like what they have to say, even if you don't agree with them. Let them go. Let them explain themselves. What happens when you let someone explain themselves, even when you know they're 100 % wrong? You shut up. you shut your mouth. That's like, I always say that. That's my, the gift to any great communicator is this. Yeah, interesting. Let them go, don't correct them, don't tell them that they're wrong, just let them be in their world. Now, here's the important thing.

6:33One, they're gonna say everything they wanna say. You're gonna understand what their mindset is, and two things happen. One, you can speak now, because once somebody's done sharing everything, now they can hear you. Well, what you do is, you're speaking, I cut you off, I insert myself, you get frustrated, hey, you're not listening to me, I'm talking, she's dismissing me. And so when I speak, you come back at me, I come back at you, and now we have conflict. And so, for example, when I used to do interviews, I would sit in rooms with people who - When you mean an interview, you mean an interrogation.

7:08I use, you know, it's interesting. You call them interviews though. Interviews and interrogations are the same thing. So what you see in TV, in Law & Order, that you did it, you this, you that, that's garbage, it doesn't work. It does not work. The best confessions I've ever gotten, they've been almost like psychology sessions or conversations where people progressively over a bit of time give you what we call admissions. A little more, a little more. Yes. So it'll be like, yes, I was there at the house. Oh, yes, I was there at the time. Yes, I saw her or I saw him. yes I left upset yes this yes that and then incrementally they get to you get to the confession yes I did it whatever that is right whereas we go straight most people go straight for the kill tell me and it's because of this lack of patience this thing that we know everything and you know maybe you are right in that moment but it's not what you think it's what the other person thinks understanding how they think getting into their head and speaking to them so now if we bring this back to what you asked me about being competitive means i can compete with you in ideas without being it being ugly without being confrontational or conflict but what we've done is we've made conflict the confrontation right this very negative thing we don't want it when it happens people lose their minds i have so many people reach out especially when i do consulting The question is always, how do I avoid confrontation?

8:39How do I avoid conflict? Why do you spend so much time avoiding it? Why do you spend so much time avoiding speaking what you want to say, speaking your truth or sharing your ideas? And why can you not present them in a way where there is disagreement, there is competitiveness. I compete, you compete. No, the sky is green. Well, I see it this way. Oh, I see it blue. but why do you see it this way? And you have that dialogue. But it's not an aggressive competitiveness. It's an open dialogue. It's not me being a jerk to show you how smart I am. Yeah. And it's not me shutting you down. And it's not me having an attachment to the end result.

9:20Me being right and me showing you how right I am. Confident people don't care how right they are. They don't. When you're confident, it's like, I know what I know, I'm good with it. This person sees things a different way. And also, it also comes into where the dialogue, where sometimes we think, well, I'm saying this, and this is what I mean. You also have to think, what is this person hearing? So just because I think, well, I said this, it's like, that's great, but what are they hearing? How do they hear you? What's the skill then for people to, what happens when people avoid conflict as much as possible, as opposed to leaning into it and being comfortable with the discomfort of conflict.

10:03That is very dangerous and it is very bad. To avoid it. To avoid it because I'm not telling you to go look for it. Avoid it to certain degrees when it's noise, when it's chatter. Like people talk to me about politics all the time because I was former Secret Service. I don't participate. To me, it's noise, it's chatter. I don't share. And I never speak about the people that I had access to are protected. But it doesn't matter to me. But a conflict between relationships or friends or family or coworkers. So it depends. If it's important to you, you should address it. What you do is it causes long-term regret.

10:39If you don't address it. If you don't address it, it causes you to build up resentment, anger, bitterness, and hate. That's where that comes from. And then the other person doesn't even know what they did maybe. Maybe they know, but if you don't check them, because from time to time in life, you have to... I say check. This is my queens coming out. But when I say check, address it. Yeah, check in with them. Yes, you said this, this is how I see this. And when you debate something with people, use language that's factual. You said this, you said this, you said this. How does someone overcome the doubts that come up?

11:20Whether it be the fear of failure, the fear of success, the fear of other people's opinions, the fear of pleasing their parents, How do they overcome the doubts and start to gain that confidence, that self-esteem like you? Well, a couple of things. Number one, first of all, understand you're not alone. That everybody you run across has had doubts. Everybody you've run across has had apprehension about who they are, where they are, where they're going, et cetera. You're not alone. In situations like that, you want company. You want to feel like you're not this aberration. You're not this anomaly standing alone by yourself in the wilderness of fear.

11:59And you're the only one that doesn't have the courage to tackle it and overcome it. That's number one. Number two, educate yourself about what you want to do. You should be scared if you're clueless. You should be scared if you're ignorant to what you want to do, why you want to do it and how you intend to go about achieving whatever aspirations you may have. you're supposed to if you're going to overcome that fear at some point, knowledge is a part of the equation. So educate yourself about what it is your field is, what it is, your aspirations are, whatever the case may be, the minefields that lie in wait, all of these different potential minefields, et cetera, et cetera.

12:42You got to know to educate yourself about those things because you have no shot at overcoming it. if you don't educate yourself. And last but not least, you know, it's not just about educating yourself and knowing that you have company. But really, the most important thing is really putting yourself, and it requires like a literal, not just figurative, but a literal look in the mirror. Asking yourself how you will feel if you never try. Ooh. Asking yourself, if I never try, if I don't go for this, where's that going to leave me? When you don't do that, what you have done is refrain from challenging yourself to be all you could be.

13:36Because there's no one that could become all they could be without looking at themselves. Absolutely. You know, Denzel Washington talks about consistency, the importance of consistency. You understand? You got to put in the work. You got to go for it. But you have to have consistency because without consistency, you're putting in the work. The dream is nothing but a dream. Right. And I get all of that. But you have to be able to look at yourself and you have to be able to be honest with yourself and know when you mess up, because when you mess up, Louis, it's going to catch you. What I mean when I say it's going to catch you is at some point, you're going to look at you and you're going to say, I didn't try.

14:24I didn't go for it. And we know this because of relationships and various other things. But I often tell people this, particularly when it comes to relationships. Relationships come and go. Things don't work out sometimes. But there is nothing on earth worse than when you know you're the reason it messed up. See, if somebody mistreats you, if somebody that you love wants you, you know, don't want you no more, but you wanted them and you treated them right and blah, blah, blah, but it didn't work out. It hurts. But you'll be fine. Most people will be fine when you're not fine is when you know it was you you messed up you messed you heard them you want you wanted them and you messed up and you messed up now if you didn't want them and you messed up okay because you didn't want them perfectly illogical explanation as to why you messed up but when you wanted them and you effed up it's no greater pain yeah because you got to look at you.

15:28You got to say, damn, I blew this. And that's some hard, hard stuff to overcome because it lives with you. Because no matter what you have, even if it's better, you don't know it because you're thinking about what you lost because you're the one who messed up. If they messed up, you ain't thinking about it like that. But if you messed up, you're always thinking about what you lost and it's hard to move forward. I've got a handful of questions for you left. and one of them is about in the book Straight Shooter. Make sure you guys get the copy of the book Straight Shooter. Amazing stories and lessons from Stephen A.

16:04You talk about your dad and I'm curious the biggest lesson he taught you, whether in a good way or a bad way, that you said, this is something he did positive that I'm going to do as a father or something that I'll never do as a father that he did. what is that lesson? And what has he taught you about fatherhood now that you are a father? The importance is two things. One positive, one negative. The positive part is he taught us the importance of laughter because my father was funny. And he was exceptional in sports and he was an exceptional calypso dancer. He could sing and he would make people laugh and smile all the time.

16:50He could light up a room. And, you know, the importance of laughter, you could bring up a lot of gifts, but somebody's ability to make other people laugh is one of the greatest gifts you could ever give anybody. That's a positive. The negative is that, and it answers the question about fatherhood, he taught me what not to be as a father.

17:18My father, this is in the book, it just wasn't good. I loved him, always will, but I didn't shed a tear when he was going. The only reason I see him at his gravesite is because he's buried next to my mother. If he wasn't, I wouldn't go visit him. We didn't have that good of a relationship. It's not hatred, but there is a significant and flagrant lack of respect. my lack of respect for my father has very little to do with me. It has very little to do with how he quote unquote treated my mother. Because my philosophy is don't put your hands on a woman. He put his hands on my mother we would have killed him.

18:21But he never did that. And he preached against it. So I give him credit for that. But what he did with my mother, he forced her to be the man of the house. Now I know that's not the popular thing to say in this woke culture. I'm not apologizing for that. It is a beautiful, beautiful thing for a woman to have a career, to make money, to provide for her family. I admire it. I respect it. I throw no shade on it. But I am unapologetic about the fact that if you can afford it, it is your responsibility as a man to provide for your family. Especially if your wife just has six kids. Yes. She's got to take care of nurturing and feeding and developing.

19:14It's your job. Yeah. It's your job. You understand? I mean, any help that she could give you is great, But the responsibility is supposed to be yours. And if you can't do it, you scratch, claw, and even die trying. One of my favorite all time shows was the show Good Times. James Evans Sr. You know, he lived in the projects in Chicago. They had to scratch and claw. They barely had enough money to feed their family. It was popping in the projects. But that's what they had to deal with. He was the one out there busting his butt every day to make sure that his wife and his children were provided for.

20:02I'm of that ilk. It means nothing to me. And I mean nothing. And I'm not married. I've never been married, even though I'll probably get married sometime in the near future. The bottom line is this. It's my responsibility. And I usually say this, and even though I would take care of my wife and what have you, I have two daughters and I tell people all the time. If they're hungry. It's because I'm starving. I don't know. I don't eat unless I know they eat. Wow. I'm not comfortable until they're comfortable. I'm not providing for me until I provide for them. when they're taken care of is when I get to take care of me.

20:47The priority is them because they didn't ask to be here. They're mine and they're my responsibility. And I live by that. And so to me, any man that thinks differently is not the kind of man that I respect. And my father was not that kind of man. Right, right. Do you feel like something unlocked inside of you when you had your first child? Because at the time, if the timeline is right, you got lost the job and then the child was on the way, the first child. Was there a new power? She had just arrived, she had just arrived, yes. Was there a new power or energy or something that? It was pure fear.

21:29Really? It was pure fear. Lewis, I've never been more scared in my life. I've never been more scared in my life. I was petrified and I held on to that because regardless of what I felt I didn't deserve from ESPN letting me go, the reality of the situation was it was the time I was living in and I had to find a way to feed my child. It's just that simple. And I was scared to death. Wow. To death. I mean, I really, really, really was. I had saved up money. I saved up well over half a million dollars and I was living off of it. You know, you see that go down every month. You see that go down every month and it's dwindling and you're like, oh, you know, it was really, really, really scary.

22:20So for me, that's what it is now. Anything that I have now is dressing because to me, I can give up a couple of my cribs. You know, I can give up the cars. I can give up any of that stuff. What I can never give up is making sure that my daughters are provided for. That's my number one responsibility. Everything comes after because I'm a man and that's my responsibility. And if I were to get married, even though unmarried, I'm still like that. But if I was married, I'd be even more like that. It's my job to handle my responsibility for my wife. Now, some people be like, man, please, you got some men out there that's like, hey, man, please pay some bills.

23:08I don't think like that because anytime I see a woman pushing and struggling or whatever, I think about my mom and what my mother was forced to go through. And so for me, that is everything to me. You do what you want. I'm talking about what you have to do. I'm not talking about doing what you want. To me, if you are a man and you have a woman in your life, you have a family, she should have to pay bills. That's your job. That's just the way I am. What would you say was the biggest fear or insecurity that you overcame or needed to overcome since after those two years until now? Was it learning how to do public speaking?

23:56Was it learning how to accept yourself and the way you looked? Was it connecting with your boys in a certain way or being perceived as someone who got injured? Was it, what was the fear or insecurity you had to overcome? Man, I would say it's layered, so I want to touch on it. It was extremely difficult when I first started going out with my arm. It was extremely difficult, you know, because. Were you single at the time or did you have a girl at the time or? You know, me and my wife, you know, we've been on and off, you know. She's had more patience with me. Yeah, yeah. But at the time you were with her or on and off with her.

24:31Yeah, yeah. On and off. But she was always there, man. It was my immaturity. Sure. But, you know, my arm, you know, it's just naturally, you know, smaller. And so when I first started going out, sleeve, and I would go out and either people would shy away, which would hurt, you know, in the early years, or a person would just look. right like man what is that you know and very few people would ask right when I started going out with my sleeve very few people would say just in terms of if I'm out in the area like if I'm at Habitat for Humanity I'm there with the football team so it's all good like people gonna come over but if I'm out like solo yeah walking through the mall very few people would just come up and be like hey man what happened they would just look right and just stare and that was extremely difficult for me for a long time, right?

25:28Just thinking about, okay, man, like, what are they thinking? Right? Or it really hurt when people would just look and they would think I'm looking and they would shy away. Like that hurt, you know, early on. But I would say the biggest thing that I've had to overcome, like public speaking, I was fearful of that. But the biggest thing, man, was running from poverty. you know what i considered to be poverty man um because i thought football was gonna help my family and so when i started speaking i started doing extremely well you know i have been for a while with speaking to where i would just go and i was just trying to accept gigs gigs gigs make as much to i was just running right just trying to speak because i grew up a certain way and i was like man i don't want you don't want to go back there yeah to have to grow up the way i I grew up with my kids or go back to that environment.

26:23And I loved every element of it, right? I loved the encounters with the people. I loved the impact that it gives you. I was just running from my past. And I'll never forget, I was in a small group and a gentleman was walking around in a circle. And he was like, what's something that, you know, you guys feel like in your childhood you're still dealing with or you're running from? And, you know, everybody would raise their hand and say something. And he got to me and I was like, poverty. And he was like, are you in poverty? I was like, no. He was like, well, stop running. And his simplicity was profound, but it was simple, right?

27:00And I thought about it when I got to my room. And I'll never forget, Louis, I got a gig. And it was one of the biggest gigs I had gotten to date. And they were about to pay me more money than I'd ever gotten. How old were you? I was 36 now. I was probably 30. Okay, six years ago. Yeah. You're about to pay your biggest check ever. Yep, biggest check ever. And I was stoked. And the challenge was it fell on my wife's birthday, right? And so I'm like, man. And so, you know, you start working it out in your mind. Oh, man, my wife's birthday. I started talking. You're going to negotiate with her. Oh, I'm negotiating.

27:39You do a birthday week before or week after. All right, I'm working it out. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So when I bring it to her, I already done worked it out. Hey, babe, this gig, you know, like I can send you and Grandma to the spa. I can come back right after that. We can work. I got it all figured out. Oh, I got it all figured out. And she could see how excited I was. So she was like, oh, yeah, go. Sure, go. And my wife, man, my wife been at it since fifth grade. So she knows me. You go. So I go. It works out. Do the gig. I send them to the spa. fly back the same day pick her up everything goes great on the birthday two days later think it was something about might have been some socks or something at the house something small wife blew up right she showed a side to me that i hadn't even seen yet right and i knew exactly what it was like it clicked immediately i was like that was the gig i was like she's blowing up not Not because she's blowing up about the gig.

28:40She felt as if I value the opportunity, the engagement and the money over her and her birthday. That was the damage. Right. Over the kids, over the family, over that moment. Right. And so what I had to do was realize that, man, you got renewable and you got non-renewable moments in life. Right. Renewable can always make some more money. Right. Now I'm renewable. My wife would never get another 30th birthday. My son would never have another 10th birthday. My daughter would never have another 11th birthday. And so my biggest thing that I had to overcome and destroy and grow through was that spirit and that thought process of running from poverty, something I encountered as a kid.

29:27And once I got to a solid space as an adult, every next level of our lives demanded a new version of us. Right? Taking that toolkit. Yeah. Reconstructing it. Growing to another level. So I didn't do damage but having the right intentions while doing damage. The right intention. I want my family to have a better way of life. But I'm doing damage with the right intention because I'm not growing beyond that level and that thought process. Mm. Yeah. So how do you negotiate? What if you got a$100 ,000 gig on her birthday? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to say, nah, sorry. Right, right, right. Nike, nah, I can't come and speak.

30:03He might be like, no, we good. Go, go, right? We good. Yeah, but man, just trying to communicate, you know, that's a skill that I don't think as men we always get or cultivate, you know. So, but yeah, it worked out. Why do you think so many people hold on to their tragedies or traumas so intently in their present from something that happened 2, 5, 10, 20 years ago? Why do you think people hold on to it so long? I think just the nature of the impact when it happens, right, and how it stuns their life, right? Like I have one of my friends who is a high-level coach, Division I coach, that ended up getting fired.