The RELATIONSHIP Expert: THIS Is Why 70% of Relationships FAIL In The First Year | Stephan Speaks

0:00Hey, my friend. Thank you so much for being here. I wanted to ask you for a quick request before we get started with today's episode. Apple decided to shake things up a bit, and you may no longer be following the School of Greatness, but luckily there's an easy fix. So really quick, if you can, double check for me that you're not missing out on greatness. Just go to your app on Apple Podcasts and hit follow on the top right-hand corner of the School of Greatness show page on Apple Podcasts. Once you click the follow button on the top right corner, you're all set to get updated with the latest in greatness here from the School of Greatness.

0:30And if you haven't already, make sure to leave a quick review while you're there. Your thoughts matter to me. I read all of the reviews and I'm so grateful that you're here. Thanks so much. Now let's jump into this episode. A lot of people's mentality is, well, things change. Things are going to be different. It's okay. So what? You don't go out as much anymore. People think like this, but they don't realize that's why your relationship is deteriorating. We can't just think it's okay, especially with our partners to speak however we want, to throw all kinds of insults, to be disrespectful and think this is okay because what people are not realizing is welcome to the school of greatness my name is lewis howe is a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur and each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness thanks for spending some time with me today now let the class begin

1:28Welcome to this special masterclass. We brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today. It's going to be powerful, so let's go ahead and dive in.

1:46I don't want a deteriorated relationship. So when I think about, yes, can I be with someone past 10, 15 years? if I accept a level of mediocrity, of course. You don't want that. Exactly. I'm saying, can we maintain excellence after these 10, 15 years? Fulfillment. Exactly. Fun, play. Peace, happiness, joy, all these things. Because to me, what is the point of being here if we don't have it, if we're not operating at our highest level? What about the saying that I hear, whether this is a meme or this is women saying this online, maybe you know the line better than me. If he can't accept me at my worst he doesn't deserve me at my best.

2:30I hate that line. I absolutely hate it. And I hate it because it has turned into validation for not addressing your flaws and issues, all right. I agree with it from the standpoint of you've got to be able to handle your partner's worst moments, all right. Because we're going to all have moments. We're going to all fall. We're all going to make a mistake. It's going to happen. Over time, that's just the way it is. But when you are essentially trying to say, I have a horrible flaw and you should accept it even when I want to consistently make you deal with it. No, that's not going to work for me.

3:10I can't accept that. That's not okay. And so, a lot of people, that's what they're turning it into. That's you not taking accountability and responsibility for growth. It's going back to, okay, this is where I'm at. I don't want to address it. You just have to accept it. And, or don't be with me. Exactly. You know, it reminds me of like, once upon a, I don't know if they still say it, but I know at one time people would say, arguing is healthy for a relationship. All right. I despise that. I don't know if I agree. I understand that. Yeah, I just don't like that. No, at all. Can you communicate with, we don't agree on this, but do you have to argue?

3:47Exactly. that's my thing. Disagreement is acceptable, disrespect is not, all right. So, disagreement is acceptable, disrespect is not, all right. So, my thing is yes, it's okay and even healthy to have disagreements because we have different perspectives, we can bounce ideas off each other, we simply have to know how to navigate that and come to an official decision on things when we have those moments. But arguing, arguing says we are being disrespectful, whether our tone is negative, the words that we're using, you know, we're getting loud, we're getting angry, we're basically throwing negative energy at our partner.

4:29That's not healthy. There's nothing healthy about that. But a lot of people will say that because they want to validate the unhealthiness in their relationship. They don't want to face the issue of I need to learn how to talk to my partner better. I don't want to have to fix my tone. Why do I have to watch what I say? because that's what an adult does. All right, grow up. I'm sorry to anyone listening to this but that's just real. We can't just think it's okay especially with our partners to speak however we want to throw all kinds of insults to be disrespectful and think this is okay. Because what people are not realizing is all it takes is that one really bad argument to plant a seed of negativity that now grows into something worse in the relationship.

5:15A lot of people's issues are not the issue that they're facing in that current moment, it's the culmination of all kinds of things before then. It's the build up from that last time you disrespected me or made me feel some kind of way and ever since then I've resented you. And now in this resentment I've given you an attitude. You didn't know what the attitude was about because I didn't communicate clearly now you're giving me attitude and now you see how it turns into other things. Now, that attitude turns into not having sex with each other. That attitude turns into okay, the way that we talk to each other in general.

5:49Maybe be coming secretive because now we don't feel like dealing with each other anymore. And what you don't realize is it started from disrespectful arguing. Wow. All right, it can also start from some other stuff, all right, but arguing is a huge problem for a lot of people and we can't just keep sweeping under the rug. So, going back to your point about the whole take me at my worst, yes, worst moment. You can have a moment. Not always like this. Consistent. And once in a while a good attitude. Exactly. Consistent negative behavior has to be addressed and corrected. So arguments are disrespect, but disagreements is okay.

6:29Is that what you said? Disagreement is acceptable. Disrespect is not. Yes. So you can always disagree and you can agree to non-agree. Yeah. Or you can, is that right? Agree to disagree. Yeah. Agree to disagree. But what I'm hearing you say is that arguing, saying what's on your mind in an angry, aggressive way, tearing down a partner is never going to do anything good for someone. Exactly. People have to understand, whenever someone feels attacked, they will defend themselves. Even if they know they're wrong, even if the point you're making is actually solid, the way you're coming at them negates their ability to receive it.

7:09That's why even me as a speaker, my focus has been do I want to be heard or do I want people to receive my message, all right. If I want to be heard, I can speak however I want, I can be blatant with the insults, I can cut people down, I can just make jokes of everybody's situation because it's just entertainment, I just want to be heard. But no, I want people to receive it. And if I want people to receive it, I have to be more considerate, more compassionate, I have to check my tone, I have to be careful with my words. And that's why if people watch my videos, that see I try to be very careful with my words because I want you to receive what I'm saying.

7:42So, if we're in a relationship we have to take that approach. If you want them to hear you be mindful of how you're talking to them. Why is it so hard for people? Because again, they don't want to face the... Or they don't want to do the work of correction, all right. And the work of correction can entail the healing and again, facing those issues. It's also conditioning. if people have been brought up in households and environments where this is how they talk to each other it's very... Yeah, it's foreign to now speak in a more loving and positive way. It's foreign to sit and be quiet and listen, all right.

8:20So, now they have to reprogram themselves and that's a lot of work. And I think also the acceptance of the way you're communicating is wrong. People don't like to face that they were wrong. They don't want to have to accept that. So, it's no, I have to dig an even deeper hole and stick with this whole negative approach of how I do things because no, there's nothing wrong with this. Or I see other people do it, you know, they're fine. No, they're not fine. They're not okay, you know. So, I think those reasons just overall, they don't want to have to do the work. And so, they rather make excuses for it.

8:56So, it sounds like again, we go back to step one, healing. Always. If you can learn to heal, you can start to improve the quality of your choices, dating someone in a relationship or getting out quicker. You can be a more effective communicator in relationships, whether you're dating or in a long-term community relationship. You can have a better relationship overall with yourself when you heal and with someone else. So can you give me a breakdown, a boot camp 101 on how to recognize what you need to heal and then how to start healing that. What does that look like for someone? Okay, I need to heal, Siphon.

9:35What do you mean by that? How do I do it? How do I get started? How long does it take to get healed? Is this a lifelong journey? Is this overnight? What does it look like? All right, so first thing, how long does it take to heal? It's going to take as long as you're willing to put in the work. Healing is not a time thing. It's a work thing. So when you hear people say time heals all wounds, no, it doesn't. Time alone doesn't heal a damn thing. All right? it can help, it does aid in the process. But by itself, it is no good. You have to take certain steps. So, when people think well, I'm going to take a year off from relationships to heal, why a year?

10:11And if you're not doing the work in that year, that year means nothing. And that's what happens to a lot of people. They took a year off, but what they did was they hid from the world, they hid from relationships. They went in their corner, all right, and distracted themselves, but they never healed. Now, they come back out of that year and they're still the same person. Or maybe they're not the same, maybe the first few months of dating, they're a little different, but then they fall back into the future. Exactly, because they never resolve things at its core. Now, in terms of recognizing what to heal, my first step is called the who hurt me list, all right?

10:46So, you get a piece of paper, you write down on the piece of paper, who hurt me? And now, every person who comes to mind, you write them down on the piece of paper. It doesn't matter how long ago it happened, doesn't matter if you think you move past it, if you think it's not relevant, if they come to mind then there's some level of relevance there. Put them on the paper in about a sentence or two of what they did to hurt you, all right. This is how we're going to start to locate what you've been holding on to. But you really got to go into this exercise very genuine. You can't be trying to control the narrative, you just got to let yourself feel.

11:19Just ask yourself the question, close your eyes, let it come out. What's the question they should ask? Who hurt me? That's it. Who hurt me? That's it. And what if they're like, I can only think of like three people that really hurt me. Should they be thinking of like every instant they can think of from childhood of that one comment or should this be this person punched me in the face? Anybody who comes to mind. So, I don't want them to force it, but I don't want them to under... Undermine it in any kind of way either. Just whoever comes to mind, put them on the paper. Because even if there's a situation where you forgot somebody, if we tackle the big one, You're not going to be able to escape the big ones.

11:56The big ones are going to come out. They're going to come to mind. If we can tackle those, then that might set the stage where everything else gets taken care of naturally. Sure, sure. All right, because now your awareness is going to be there and your level of healing will allow you to see things differently. What do you think is the best way for a driven, confident, alpha, masculine man, healthy, conscious, masculine man to eliminate distractions or temptations when they're in a committed, intimate, long-term relationship from wanting to think about other women or scroll on Instagram and dream about what that could be like and be tempted to say, I need more partners.

12:42You have to cut off everything that feeds the struggle. So if you know looking at Instagram puts you in that place, you can't be on Instagram. Now, I know that's easier said than done depending on a person's profession and all these different things but literally you have to cut off all influences that push you on that path. Because it could be Instagram, it could be the music you're listening to, it could be the TV that you're watching depending on what you're watching. And I know it's tough because you get to a point where it's like well, I got cut off everything almost. But yeah, yeah, the more you can remove these outside influences the easier it is for you to be present with your partner.

13:21I remember one time there was a guy, his wife had got pregnant. I don't know if they were married at that time. Either way, his partner was pregnant, she put on some weight, he found himself less attracted to her. They weren't having sex as much. He went to get some help, they suggested stop looking at porn, stop looking at Instagram. He stopped. For three weeks, he looked at pretty much no other woman unless he passed a woman in the street. He said after three weeks, he found himself more attracted to his partner. Wow. Even without the weight loss. Now, it doesn't mean he still didn't want her to lose weight because sustaining that it was still going to make some adjustments but it did help.

13:59Interesting. Because he didn't have these other influences constantly being put in his face that makes him question, okay, what's going on here? Like, I don't like this or you know, hey, I could have this too or you know. What that would be like. Exactly. So, it's just we've got to know our weaknesses and where we fall short and just cut it off at the root as best as possible. I think it goes back to also communicating your needs, you know, your agreements, your roles, responsibilities in the relationship and making sure your needs are met as a man. Yes. If your needs are not met and it opens the door, you know, you're like, oh, okay, if I can't get it here, then I wonder what that would be like, or this would be like.

14:39Yes. That's why I think it's really important to have these real honest conversations before you get committed about what your needs are. Absolutely. Maybe there's a man that's like, I only need to have sex a couple times a month and I'm happy. For me, that doesn't work, right? And, you know, maybe in 20 years it changes. I don't know. But it's like, you got to be realistic and say, you know, I've had conversations with Martha where I'm just like, this is what I'm going to need. This is what I'm going to need. And are you able to provide this? If not, I don't want to push you on something that you don't want to do, you know?

15:12And same for you. What are your needs? And can I provide those for you? Absolutely. And if I can't provide for your needs, you shouldn't be with me. We shouldn't be together if it doesn't naturally align. We should be naturally aligning. You have to change three things about you in order to please me, and I have to change everything to please you. I don't think that's the right match. No, it's not. There might be sexual attraction. You maybe have fun. You could be friends, whatever. But I'm talking healthy, long-term commitment with the least amount of pain. You know what I mean? it's like a there's going to be challenge there's going to be adversity and pain that causes by living life but if you can minimize stress and anxiety within the relationship i think that's the best approach absolutely and talking about needs is key up front so i'm hearing you say men need to eliminate any temptation or distractions that might get them thinking about another option yes and i do agree with you 100 as the next thing would be making sure we lay out those needs and desires and make sure they're being met on both sides because I'm a firm believer you can't expect this person to meet all your requirements if you're not going to do the same for them but I do think that there's a lot of men who they don't take it as far as they need to as far as expressing what is it exactly you want from this woman to be happy crazy sexual like nuances like you gotta go there yes even if it's uncomfortable you feel like man this is they're going to judge me or they're going to think this is weird.

16:41But if you don't get that, you're going to resent it in a year, two years, six months. Exactly. And then be thinking about where can I get this met. And that's the key. If you can honestly say, if I don't get this, I'm good. Like, I would like this, but it's not a big deal to me. I can go without it, cool. But if you know going without this is going to disturb you and be a huge struggle for you, yeah, you're asking for problems. why do you think it's so hard for men to only be with one woman? Or why do you think that's the struggle for men when they think about it? Like, can I only be with one woman for the rest of my life?

17:19And they're like, well, if I could just have like a threesome once a year, we hear these conversations. But why is it challenging? And from the men that you've met who are extremely sexually satisfied with their one intimate partner for decades, what is it they're doing differently or how they shifted that thinking that they need more women? So, here's my current theories and beliefs that I'm not gonna lie to you I still struggle with in some points not because I don't believe what I'm about to say but because if true it's a hard pill to swallow. So, I'm of belief that the majority of men can actually be happy with one woman no problem.

18:03I view it in the same way I view business, all right. There's the bosses and the workers and neither label is a negative to either side, okay. It's just a reality that there are men who they don't need a bunch, they don't need a lot in their life. If they're making a certain salary they have a roof over their head, food on their table, needs are being met they're good. They don't have this extra gear of ambition that says go out and do more. That kind of guy can have his one woman again key is needs are being met. In the relationship. Yes, in the relationship I think he's fine. He can do that for the rest of his life no problem.

18:42Live a happy fulfilled life. Yes, and understand because that man doesn't even have the desire in him or the energy to go out there trying to mingle with other women and all that kind of stuff. Exactly. A lot of effort. Yes, it takes a certain kind of mindset and energy to be able to do that. A lot of guys aren't like that they just want to be happy and have their needs met and that's it. But then there's the smaller percentage of men which we could argue are the more desirable men of society who tend to be more ambitious men. Like I remember reading somewhere if I'm correct people like Einstein, Steve Jobs all these geniuses, high sexual energy.

19:23There seems to be this connection, this correlation between these ambitious men, these very unique individuals that do big things in life and them having this very high sexual energy. And again, they probably had to learn to transmute some of that to accomplish what they accomplish. Where these types of men, there's a greater struggle now to just be limited to that one woman. Because it's the same thing that they struggle with being limited to one invention or one business, you know what I'm saying? They just have this mind and this desire for more. I got to keep going, I got to keep going. And so, I think that guy is the guy that I don't know if it's maybe his testosterone is higher than normal, I don't know.

20:07I don't know what is it in the man that causes that. But I do believe that every highly ambitious successful man I know the vast majority... So, let me not say every but the vast majority of them have that struggle or don't even believe in monogamy period, all right. Okay, finish where you're saying. Yeah, so and I will say some of the ones who have like I feel for me personally the thing that helps me is my relationship with God. Yeah. If I take that away, I'm not going to lie to you. You're a dog. I don't know. You're a dog. It's so bad. Without God, you're a dog. It's so bad. And let me just be clear, not dog as in I will never be a liar, I'll never be playing women, taking advantage of them, none of that.

20:52But would I be all over the place? Essentially. Yeah. Devon Franklin talks about this in one of his books about there's a dog in every man. Again, not like a mean dog, but like a dog that has a desire to go get another bone out there. And it's learning how to fight the dog within you that has that desire. What happens? Have you ever met a man who's been in a marriage, let's say, or a long-term relationship with one person as a constant? but has other sexual encounters with other women and the relationship works long term with that one person still. Open relationship or hall passes that are aware of this, the partner is aware of this, where you still have this really happy, intimate, connected partnership between the man and the main partner.

21:48Have you met anyone like this? No, honestly. What typically happens when a man is with someone but also is with other people? Yeah, so I think one we have to make sure we define what work means. So, to some people it's working because they're still together. I mean happy, healthy, fulfilled. Exactly, that's the key. So, for that to be the standard of what we call it's working, no. You haven't seen that? I haven't seen it. I'm not, you know, I can never say it doesn't exist 100%. But what I think is, what I believe strongly is that the woman accepting that is already kind of killing off a piece of herself.

22:26That piece that wants to be number one in his life, that wants to be fully loved, to feel like he doesn't need anyone else but me. And I argue that kind of going back to masculine and feminine to show you another difference between men. Women need love at a level or in a way that men don't. Meaning that if you went to a woman and you said... Or if you went to a man and you said I will give you this woman, she will give you everything that you need, fulfill all your desires, but she cannot say she's in love with you. Will you take it? There's a majority of men who will take it. Because hey, I'm getting my needs, man.

23:05Who cares, right? If you go to a woman with the same deal, he will fulfill all your needs. He'll be everything that you want, but he cannot say he is in love with you. There's a lot of women who can't take that deal. Really? Yes. Why is that? Because again, they need that aspect of love that energy that it takes things to a different level that speaks to who they are. I believe that speaks to the feminine in the woman. The feminine in the woman craze that love. We are more in you you can call it the more logical mind or whatever you want to call it but we just want as long as we get in what we need it's easier for us.

23:42Yes, we feel respected and we're being satisfied. A lot of guys are like I'm not passing that up. What would you say are the three most important things that every man needs from their partner? Is it respect? Support, respect, and I still gotta use sexual satisfaction. Support, sexual satisfaction, and respect are the three things that most men need in a relationship. For them to feel happy and fulfilled. Because if you take away any of those three, it's a problem. If he doesn't feel respected, it's gonna cause huge problems. If he doesn't feel supported, a lot of people don't realize a lot of infidelity does not start from that man having a sexual desire for another woman.

24:27It can start from a lack of support in the household. And then you have other women coming around who are, you know, feeding his head with you. I think you're amazing. If you were my man, I would do this and blah, blah, blah. I believe in you. He doesn't get that at home and that opens the door to it becoming sexual. Which is why you'll see a lot of situations where the man cheats on his partner with a woman who doesn't even look as good as his partner. But it's fulfilling some sexual need. Not even a sexual need, it fulfilled first the emotional need. And then yes, and it could be just sexual depending on what the initial issue was.

25:03But yes, it can go, it can either be sexual or emotional. But I think people always think it's a sexual thing with men. An emotional need meaning like I'm not getting the respect I want, so that's an emotional feeling. Yes. Or not feeling supported at home, so that's an emotional feeling. Yes, yes. So the three things that every man you believe needs, most men need, is respect, support, and sexual satisfaction. What would be the three things that every woman needs from their man to feel fulfilled? I want to say love, and I guess when I say the word love, I mean it from the standpoint of non-sexual intimacy.

25:39Being able to pour into her emotionally, mentally, being able to hold her, caress her. is everything other than sex. And again, it's not to say that women don't enjoy sex or don't desire or need sex. But if you just gave them sex and you didn't give them those other things, it's going to be a problem. Yes, love, yep. So, I think love, I think security. Again, it goes back to that needing to feel safe, needing to feel comfortable around you, needing to not feel judged around you. I think that's extremely important. Again, you take away a woman's security. I want to give one quick example. I had one client where she was with a guy and while they were in a relationship she never had an orgasm with him, okay.

26:22They get married and it's orgasm city. Really? Yes, it just starts flowing out, okay. Now she feels fully safe for coming? Yes, but then here's what happened. Years in, he was in the military, he cheats on her, the orgasm stopped. And I always use that to say, listen, nothing changed sexually as far as physically what was happening. But mentally and emotionally she no longer felt safe and secure in this relationship. And that was enough to turn the switch on and off when it came to her sexual satisfaction and her being sexually receptive to him. So, definitely security is the other thing. And I think I'm trying to find the right way to phrase this but I feel like the word that I want to use is stimulation.