These Dating MYTHS Are DESTROYING Your Love Life (What A Healthy Partner REALLY Wants!) | Sadia Khan

0:00People have this arrogance where they're like, if I have to communicate it's not real. In this world, especially because of movies and shows and songs, it's taught us that if we have to explain it, then that person doesn't love you. They should be able to mind read and predict and stuff. And then it creates the ingredients for a distant relationship. Communicating effectively is essential. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness.

0:34Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

0:42I've interviewed a lot of people over the last 10 years. And typically when someone has a lot of wisdom like yourself, they don't get to wisdom because everything was perfect. Yeah. and everything was happy and safe and comfortable and life was good. Yeah. There's usually some challenge, trauma, breakdown at some stage of their life. You know, if they're, maybe they're in a marriage that went one way, they got divorced and they realized like, oh, there was a pattern that I lived or something happened. And so I'm going to go down this path because I had this experience. Yeah. It was a childhood thing or something like that.

1:18Uh-huh. what do you think makes you so wise around these concepts of relationships and also great context you're not married you don't have kids so there's going to be people saying well she doesn't you know she's speaking about this but she hasn't really experienced relationship at this level what makes you qualified to have this wisdom with where you're at in your life i don't know if it makes me qualified but i would say that there has to be a healthy level of trauma to ignite this level of curiosity towards human nature and I think in my particular case I faced a lot of neglect particularly from siblings I was very much like the middle child very much neglected very much by myself and the thing that was really bizarre for me is I'd be such a big personality outside of the home I had so many friends and so many people would gravitate towards me and I would go in my home and my siblings would totally ignore ignore me and act like I don't exist.

2:17And I would be spending countless amount of time by myself in my bedroom while they would have a great time and I could hear them laughing and joking and stuff. And I was automatically kind of in between two worlds. And so what would happen is I understood that the reaction I was getting outside of the home was not the same as I'm getting in the home. And it was causing something in me. I remember feeling like I know I'm worthy of love because everybody else seems to love me loads, but I don't feel worthy of love because the people I want it from don't give it to me. So because I had this kind of dichotomy of like self-esteem, I then realized how self-sabotaging I can be and how difficult I can be.

2:56In so many relationships, when people would be so loved, and even to this day, like if somebody compliments me, I find it so difficult to accept a compliment. And I start to dislike the person who's complimenting me. Really? Absolutely. So if I don't want to be your friend, I'll be nice to you. Exactly. All my closest friends. If I don't want to be your friend, be nice to you. Exactly. The quickest way to get me to dislike you is to give me compliments. Really? Absolutely. All of my closest friends are hypercritical of me and I keep it that way. They'll say to me, that looks bad or you look terrible there or you've gained weight.

3:27I think honesty and feedback is great. You know, it's also a great resource for a friend as opposed to over complimenting something that's not true, maybe. So there's some, you know, imbalance in there. But there's a strong dislike towards people who compliment me a lot because a part of me believes they're lying to me. And it would probably be because at home I never got a single compliment. Till this day, I don't think I've ever had a compliment. So I think what happened is my home life and my self-esteem was so separated from my confidence. I had loads and loads of confidence for no real self-esteem.

3:59And I saw how on the surface I come across really well put together and really confident, all these things. But when you get to know me, especially the way my partner knows me, they see all of these insecurities and all of this pain and all of this thing. And it's like that Saudi I met and the Saudi that like is now in love is two different people. Really? And me realizing that made me kind of go down this journey of understanding human behavior in a way that I guess requires a bit more empathy than somebody who would have it completely perfect. Yes. You've really researched a lot. Yeah. Did that do the same for you with your trauma?

4:34Absolutely. I mean, again, being the youngest of four and kind of being, feeling like I was always the one left out. Right. Like my other, I was a, you know, five, seven, eight year old brat, you know, just running around trying to get attention from my older siblings. They're off with their friends. They don't want anything to do with me. I understand. I'm four years younger than my other sibling and then 11 years younger from my brother. So they don't want to hang out with a five or seven year old. You know, it wasn't, and they had their own stress. So I don't blame them. but I felt very alone my whole childhood until I turned 13 and I left home.

5:06And I was like, I can't deal with this pain anymore. Get me out. And I was telling you beforehand, that made me an observer of human beings. My whole childhood, because I didn't feel like I belonged or fit in or was accepted, which I think a lot of people feel in some instance in their life, they don't feel like they belong, they fit in, or they're not accepted in some way. I felt that until I was 13, really. I sat and watched people and I observed people. What makes them react a certain way? Why are they in this energetic state? What makes them cry? What makes them laugh? Why are they reacting to this?

5:43What was it? And so I just would watch people all day because no one would hang out with me. I would watch people at school. I'd watch people on the streets. I'd watch my siblings. I would just watch because no one would not spend time with me. right and that became an incredible skill set of understanding people oh of seeing people and having compassion yeah seeing people and learning how to connect better and it's an ongoing journey in a process but you know that pain for really decade plus became something that was a superpower in a sense that allowed me to allowed me to have curiosity someone like yourself being like tell me more.

6:25I want to learn. I'm fascinated by what you've experienced, what you've learned and why this pain or this challenge affected you to be this way. Because I know what affected me to be this way than I am. Yeah. And it actually made me very androgynous. The thing is, sometimes the comments I get is, oh, you're feminine and stuff. But I actually consider myself really, I'm not this non-binary or all this stuff. But mentally, I think my content tends to be quite gender neutral. I kind of talk about men and women quite equally. But it was because I was left out from my sisters, girls. So what happened is I didn't identify with being a woman.

6:58And the other thing that is really interesting is when I was the third girl in my culture, Pakistani culture, you want boys. So when I was born, my parents were hysterically crying. They couldn't believe they had a girl. They were crying their eyes out to the point where the nurse came in thinking I stopped breathing. And like, we didn't want a girl. We really didn't want a girl. And so what happened is I grew up with almost like thinking I'm not a girl in a way. Like I'm not one of the girls. I'm not one of the girls. But I am so feminine. So what would happen is I would always have more male friends.

7:27And I'd always understand the male brain a bit better than the female brain because I always saw females as like people who don't like me. And males would always be really nice to me. So I almost kind of understood them way better. And being a woman, I understand women. but I got this insight into the male brain that I couldn't have accessed if I wasn't so segregated from my sisters. So it actually helped me academically and in this career path, maybe not emotionally, but it definitely helped me in this way. Yeah. Okay. There's a few things I want to talk about, but something came up for me in a, in a heterosexual relationship.

8:00Yeah. What is it that men really want versus what women really want based on your experience growing up with men and understanding the male brain and being a woman, what is it that men really want and that women really want? And if each opposite knew this, they would have a much better relationship. I think for men, the ability to be completely unapologetically themselves and have their needs predicted is something they can't do anywhere else in the world. What I mean by that is for women, my best friend, for example, she'll know when I'm feeling low and she might get me a chocolate or or my other best friends, I know I can call her when I'm stressed, sad, whatever it is.

8:40I can outsource this ability to have my needs met and without saying a word, because women tend to be quite emotionally intelligent, and I have the ability to be myself, vulnerable, happy, sad, whatever it is. For men in the real world, they have to be a man. They have to wear a bit of a mask. So they have to look like they've got it put together. They have to look like they're in control. They have to look, they have to look, they have to look. So if they can go home where they can take the mask off and still be loved and appreciated, that an appreciation for them isn't just a quick thank you it's also like i know you're tired i know you're hungry i know you need to get up early so i'm just turning that i'm putting the kids to bed i'm just turning the volume off i know you need to get to bed that is a form of appreciation for them so i think if they have a woman or an environment where they can take the mask off and their needs can be predicted it's something that they think they can only dream of they don't know that that actually exists for them would you agree or do you like what do you think for from your perspective as a man i mean i think i can speak from my perspective and maybe like male friends that i talk to who are um you know business owners who have you know multiple responsibilities beyond themselves um and they have lots of employees or something like that or a brand or something is that there is a weight there is a weight that these men feel and that i feel at times.

10:00And I'm not saying, oh, woe is me, I have a weight or something. It's just, you've got to show up responsible for people more than just yourself. You've got to show up and deliver not once in a while, but every single day. And I welcome the responsibility. I'm blessed to have the opportunity and the responsibility to have a vessel physically and emotionally and mentally and spiritually to carry the weight that, you know, has been given, provided for me. I'm blessed. And that's why I train myself physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally to take it on where it feels light. Yeah. So that it doesn't weigh me down.

10:42But that doesn't mean there aren't days when it isn't challenging. Yeah. And just wanting to be able to go and relax and feel peace at home is the highest currency. Feeling accepted and, and having a sense of peace. Yeah. And what would that look like for you? I mean, I get it almost every night, so I feel, I feel blessed. Right. Um, and that's, that's, that's why I feel even more peace, um, because of that. And I, but I, why I'm blessed is because I know the complete opposite of it. I know being here, and I'm not blaming anyone. It's just, I know what it felt like to not feel that. And it feels more weight is, is held on top of you.

11:25And I'm not saying it's the woman's responsibility or this and this. It's really just, I didn't choose correctly and that's okay. And I didn't communicate the right way and I had healing to do and all sorts of stuff. I think peace is definitely created. I know a lot of men say they want peace, but usually the men that are like, ah, dying for peace and can't find it is either they've chosen them super chaotic, but they might be engaging behaviors that are also not conducive to peace. They don't have self-control. They don't have self-control. They're coming home late, they're drinking too much, they're watching pornography, and then they scream at their wife, like, why can't you give me peace?

11:56But honestly, when you meet a man who selects wisely and has self-control, peace is an inevitable outcome. He doesn't have to ask for it. So I'm hearing you say a man that can have someone meet their predictable needs, correct? As a form of appreciation. As a form of appreciation, which there might be women saying, well, how am I going to predict when he can't predict what I want? When he's not reading my mind, when he's not, you know, there for me when I tell him everything's fine, but I actually have an attitude and I'm not showing that everything's fine. How am I supposed to predict and be there for him if he can do that for me?

12:32Because you have to ask yourself, do I like that he doesn't do that for me? Do I like that experience of him not seeing it, not doing it, so and so? If I don't like it, then surely why would I create that also? Why would I emulate a behavior I dislike? So perhaps you can role model the behavior you like and also manage your expectations. What I mean by this is when somebody isn't predicting your needs, men and women, or isn't doing it, is it deliberate? Is it that, oh, I'm not going to do it for you? Or is it a case of, oh, I didn't know. Let me help. So the reality is, are you communicating it before you get angry?

13:04And communicating early on. Early on. Not after you're married and saying, this is what I need. But actually communicating early on, this is something that I did differently and so did Martha. We communicated early on, this is what I'm going to need now. This is what I'm going to need in the future. It's not like these crazy needs. It's just like this is to be in a committed relationship, to commit and be all in and be giving and of service and thinking about a future together. Yeah. Here's what I'm going to need. And here's what I'm willing to do. Here's what I'm not willing to do. And it's so wild because if any job description, anything like that, we'd want to know exactly what to do in order to get them to get promoted or whatever it is.

13:41And it doesn't mean it's not going to grow and evolve and there's going to be, you know, flexibility. But it's like at least communicate the basic needs. But people have this arrogance where they're like, if I have to communicate, it's not real because they watch too many movies. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. So what's happening, especially in Western culture, in any other culture, in any other period of time, it's like, of course you tell people what you want. How else are they going to know? But in this world, especially because of movies and shows and songs, it's taught us that if we have to explain it, then that person doesn't love you.

14:11They should be able to mind read and predict and stuff. And then it creates the ingredients for a distant relationship emotionally. So I think communicating effectively is essential. So what is it that if a man truly knew what a woman wanted, they would have a happier, healthier relationship? It's difficult because it all depends on if you've chosen a woman who's healed and not so chaotic. Essentially, what they want is to be protected in a way that nobody else can. And what I mean by protected, it can be financial, emotional, whatever it is. But it's a way if I'm protecting my woman emotionally, I'm not engaging in behaviors that will humiliate or hurt her.

14:50If I'm protecting her financially, it means I'm giving her my best. doesn't mean I'm giving her everything but the best I can do if I'm a taxi driver I'm you know covering what I can cover but if I'm somebody who's frugal with her she will always feel like she she's more powerful than you and whenever she feels like he's not protecting she feels more powerful and then she becomes disrespectful but when she has a man that's protective of her both her safety her emotions and finances she then keeps it allows him to take control and whenever we feel more powerful than a man, we feel unsafe. And that unsafety makes us disrespect him and then look for other men.

15:31It's almost evolved. So therefore, if it can protect us in those ways, we remain feeling safe. So it's essential. So what's the number one thing that makes women feel unsafe from the man they're with? I would say that showing a complete disregard for her emotional well-being. And that doesn't have to be sleeping. It doesn't have to go that far to sleeping with other women. It might be as simple as not replying to her messages or, you know, behaving online, like liking it. I know it sounds so bizarre, but you'll be so surprised at how unsafe a woman can feel simply by watching whose pictures he's liking and commenting and saving.

16:08It's such a simple thing from a man, but from a woman's perspective, it almost ignites her fight or flight response. Is that weird to a man? Does it rule for insecure women? I think to a conscious man it makes sense yeah that you're like okay would i like her doing this maybe you wouldn't but i mean maybe it wouldn't matter like for me it doesn't it doesn't really matter what she does yeah because you've established that trust yeah and um and if we haven't created an agreement on something then she's gonna do what she wants to do and then i would just acknowledge and say hey i don't really like this can we can we make an agreement on this yeah and if and we'll figure out what that is and then cool we've created a new dynamic right but i also just feel confident with who i am yeah and so if she's off doing something which she never has and i don't think she would ever do it but she's off doing something and i i would find out of it eventually and i say okay well that's unfortunate but i guess this isn't the right fit or we need to figure out how to mend this yeah or i'll be okay if you want to go live this life that's fine it's just not gonna to be with me you know it's like all right it's sad it's unfortunate it's it's that's a healthy way to see it because a lot of people think addiction is a testament to how much you love someone the fact that you can't let them go must mean you really love them but actually it means that you haven't established healthy boundaries and you don't have any self-esteem but yeah but there's also probably like certain things that martha may want to do that i want to do myself and maybe it's not like the highest value that i would have for with my time or my energy or whatever, but it's who she is.

17:41It's unique to her. So I'm going to accept her for who she is. And I've chosen to accept her. That's why when I got committed to her, right before we committed, I said, listen, is there anything else I need to know about you? Because I felt like I asked her as much as I could in a few months period. And I got to meet her family and travel and do all these things you get to experience together that could cause upset or different things coming out. So I feel like I got to know at least a good amount in a short period of time. I said to her, as long as this is who you are and who you're going to continue to be, there's nothing that upsets me.

18:15Oh, there's no deal breakers. Well, I was just like, I'm going to accept who you are. You know, where there's some men that are like, okay, you're, you were a model or whatever. You did something and now I don't want you to do that anymore. Yeah. Now that we're together, you can't do this thing anymore. Martha's an actress. So she's done, I don't know, 40 different movies. She's, she's kissed men in movies. She's done the different intimate scenes. Yeah. I know that. Yeah. And therefore, I had to ask myself, do I accept this if she continues being who she is? Yeah, exactly. And I had to say, okay, I'm okay with that.

18:47As opposed to, you can't do this anymore. You have to change to fit into my world. But that's the difference between insecure and boundaries. Because here's the thing, a lot of men, they'll say, no, I'm not being insecure. I'm just setting boundaries. But you are being insecure. Because here's the difference between insecure and boundaries. is a secure man will see what you have to offer, like read the menu and decide if he will stay or leave. An insecure man will say, you need to do this, you need to do this, rather than just saying, you are who you are, I'm going to have to leave. You're not right for me.

19:17You're not right for me. Why do we try to change people from who they are to fit our world? Because we're too insecure to walk away. Yeah. When we develop the willingness to walk away, we actually love people for who they you know you know what you're always out in the club all day but you actually like that you're really lively and extrovert but it doesn't work for me but when i'm insecure it's like please be something else because i can't walk away from this i can't find anybody else so i'm always holding them by the throat begging them to be a better person because i don't have the strength to know when to walk away so that's when we've been both of those in the past i've been yeah and it's so much nicer when you can become the person that just says it's okay yeah we don't to be the other.

19:58It's okay. And there's other humans in the world. So you can keep it moving. And that's what the boundary is between a secure and insecure, man or woman. And waiting for them to change is just waiting for the divorce. When women think that a man will change in the future, like he's got so much potential. He's so great here and here. And I love his family so much. They've welcomed me in. But there's these two or three things that I just, man, maybe one day he'll change. What typically happens in that relationship? They've fallen in love with their imagination. And when reality strikes, and unfortunately reality strikes, at some point reality strikes, when we fall in love with our imagination, which we're very capable of doing, particularly if we're traumatized, one thing with traumatized people is that their imagination and reality can get blurred.

20:46When we fall in love with our imagination, unfortunately life will keep testing you and reality testing will keep occurring until you're forced to face the person they truly are. And it's usually kids or 10 years later or something like that. And then they'll say, they'll act like, you know, I didn't know he was like this. He came out of nowhere. How can he's like this? But really, they showed you who they were from day one. They always showed you. You fell in love with your imagination. And now you're angry that your imagination is not reality based. So unfortunately, it doesn't end well. It's better to just accept the person for who they are.

21:21flaws and all than to live in the illusion that they're going to change before you marry and get committed at that level what is i've from the people that i the women that i've talked to who have been married and divorced i always like to ask this question yeah did you know before you got married that it probably wasn't the right person like somewhere inside you knew or maybe you actually knew but you just were too far along and you went through with it thinking you would change. Probably 95 % of them said, yes, I knew. I knew the day I got married. I knew the week before. I knew afterwards, but I would try to make it work anyways.

21:59Why do you think so many women get married knowing it's the wrong man? I think what happens is the biological pressure to become something we can't escape. And I think no matter how many holidays we can kid ourselves with and how many career opportunities and how many alternatives, there's a biological thing that kicks in with women at late 20s even it doesn't have to wait till people think it happens really it doesn't it happens quite early on that where they start to think that they need to know what the future will look like to ease their anxiety even if they're not going to have kids today to ease their anxiety that they will become a mother they just want to settle down they just want to get tick that box and um in the process of kind of submitting to the evolutionary pressures and societal pressures, they overlook the red flag.

22:46And sometimes it's not the man that's the issue. They knew themselves that they're not ready for marriage. They know themselves they're not very good at conflict or they know themselves they're still attached to an ex. But the pressure to settle down that they apply on themselves and their body kind of calls for, causes them to walk down the aisle knowing what the result will be. Do men have that too? I don't ask men that question as much. What I've found with men is they can sometimes know that they're not marrying the right person. But usually, because these men, they tend to be okay with accepting the monotony of marriage.

23:21Those men that walk down the aisle knowing it's not the right person, they tend to be like, it's not the right person, but I'm okay with settling down and I accept the bland reality of marriage. They've succumbed to it. But with women who know, they will eventually go in, like, ask for the divorce. Men are happy to stay married, even if they're not madly in love or not madly happy, if they're that kind of guy. Who files for a divorce more, men or women? Women, yeah. Why is that? A lot of the time it's a cry for help. There's been so many times where women say to me, it's like, oh, I told him I wanted a divorce, but hoping he'd come back for me, but he let me pack my bags.

23:55And so sometimes they file for divorce or take it that far as a way of testing their partner. And if they're with quite a healthy partner, they'll take your word and gospel and they think you mean it. Why do so many women try to test their men constantly? It's an evolutionary thing. It's an evolutionary thing because here's the reality. We are designed to have children with men and childbirth is potentially fatal. We die from childbirth if we were left in, you know, our natural habitat. So to put that risk onto a relationship, he better be able to endure all types of storms. So we have to test them.

24:34So we have to, unfortunately, test them. We have to test are they going to be faithful? Are they going to be financially stable? Are they going to be able to have their own boundaries? We push, we push, we push. Now, the problem is, unfortunately for men, is when we push you and you succumb to us, you automatically lose us. What we're saying when we're pushing you is really make sure you don't give in to this. Because if you do, then I know you're not strong enough. Oh, my God. Give me an example. What's a common example? It might be something like I push a man to say, I'm going to come home when I want.

25:08I better I'm going to come home and do what I want with the girls wherever I'm going to come on girls trips I'm going to do whatever I want push you push you push you and then when you actually give in and say okay essentially she feels like she's not being protected so she feels like nobody's governing her you don't have a spine you're not responding you're not you're not responsible or she might say I'm talking to my ex-boyfriend and you say I don't feel comfortable with that she went no you have to I have to have to fine he accepts it essentially she's saying that you don't mind cacaudry you don't mind if i have an affair bye so essentially what we're begging for is sometimes is the boundary not the not the kind of uh we're not looking for you to bow down wow so hard for men to figure that out right i feel so bad for men it's like reverse psychology all the time unfortunately outside of people who are divorced and are responsible for communicating with their exes to co-parent to co-parent yeah Do you think it's possible for a man or a woman to speak to an ex-partner as a friend while they're in a new relationship and not be an issue?