Why 70% of Relationships End in The First Year w/ Sadia Khan

0:01Calling all conscious achievers who are seeking more community and connection. I've got an invitation for you. Join me at this year's Summit of Greatness this September 7th through 9th in my hometown of Columbus, Ohio to unleash your true greatness. This is the one time a year that I gather the greatness community together in person for a powerful transformative weekend. People come from all over the world and you can expect to hear from inspiring speakers like Inky Johnson, Jospree Singh, Vanessa Van Edwards, Jen Sincero and many more. You'll also be able to dance your heart out to live music, get your body moving with group workouts, and connect with others at our evening socials.

0:44So if you're ready to learn, heal, and grow alongside other incredible individuals in the greatness community, then you can learn more at lewishouse.com slash summit 2023. Make sure to grab your ticket, invite your friends, and I'll see you there. Now when you go in wounded and expect the person to provide you medication, but you don't even tell them what disease you have, we are then going to punish them for everything they do. Oh my gosh, that's the worst feeling. Unfortunately, you go in expecting them to be the healer or the doctor to a wound that you didn't create, but you don't even tell them on your diagnosis.

1:19And as a result, it's destined for failure. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

1:46Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness. Very excited about our guest. We have the inspiring Sadia Khan in the house, who is an incredible online coach, therapist, psychologist, and someone that's really been taking off lately online with your relationship expert, expertise with your content, And I'm so excited that you're here. So thank you for being here. All the way from Dubai. Yes. So specifically for this. So thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it. We're excited. I saw a stat online recently that said 75 % of relationships fail right after the first year. Right. I don't know if that's an accurate stat, but it just seems like people are struggling in relationships, in a new relationship.

2:30They're struggling finding a great partner when they start dating. Yeah. They're struggling trying to figure out, is this the right partner for me? They're struggling to figure out their own wounds and how their, you know, their traumas interact with someone else's traumas. And is there a good match? All these different things cause people to struggle in relationships and break up within the first year, it seems like. Why do you think people are struggling more than ever today to have a healthy, happy relationship? I would say it's the illusion of options that we've got today that we've never had before in the form of online dating, social media and pornography.

3:04What that means is when we enter relationships, we're almost assessing if that partner is worthy of us. And there's almost an element of narcissism when we walk in. We're like, can I get better? Can I get the most I can get? Is this the most satisfying sexual relationship I've ever had? And if that person doesn't tick every single box off, Instead of reflecting on what you need to heal and what you need to bring to the table and how you can help this relationship survive, we simply replace them with the illusion of options. Even if we don't have alternatives, we think we do. So we let go far quicker than we previously would have.

3:39Really? Mm-hmm. What do you think we should be asking ourselves about the person we want to date? You know, because it sounds like we want to have every box ticked. Like they have to be perfect and they have to be funny and they have to be rich and they have to be good looking and they need a good education. but what should we really be asking ourselves before we start dating someone? How are my personal insecurities going to ruin this relationship? Ooh. Yeah. I think that's the first and foremost conversation to have with yourself. How are my insecurities going to ruin this relationship? How are my personal insecurities going to ruin this relationship?

4:12Why is that the question we should ask ourselves? Because we go into a relationship almost blind to our own wounds and they resurface in the relationship and we blame them for not providing the medication of a wound that existed before we met them. That's so true. Wow. Yeah. So what I mean by that is say, for example, you grew up financially insecure and you meet a partner who's actually really nice to you, but he might not be able to soothe all your financial insecurities. You immediately think he's not good enough. Or you go into a relationship being addicted to pornography and then you meet a woman who's actually just at your right level, but you're so used to a hyper-sexualized, promiscuous woman that you find her boring.

4:51Or you go into a relationship not being able to communicate and then you meet somebody else who's not also communicating and you don't voice your concerns. So I would say, ask yourself, how are your insecurities going to ruin this relationship? And how do I create a buffer so that doesn't occur? So when we're aware, because a lot of us, we go into a relationship not thinking where we have insecurities or that we're broken. We're usually like, well, the previous relationship didn't work because of them. Yeah. It was their fault that they did this. but really it always comes back to us. We chose something.

5:21We didn't see something early on. We let something slide. We didn't create a boundary. We abandoned ourselves. We didn't communicate consciously, whatever it is. We let things slide too often, but we don't take a look unless for me there's enough pain to say, okay, here's all this stuff I don't like about me. Here's all my insecurities, all my baggage, all my trauma, all my challenges. The reason why I keep causing pain in relationship, why it doesn't keep working is because of me, whoever the person is. You're the common denominator. You're the common denominator. So once we take inventory of our personal insecurities, how can we then create a buffer going into a relationship so we don't self-sabotage?

6:09We make sure that we are trying to heal those wounds without expecting that person to break their back to help us heal. What I mean by that is if I know I have an issue with jealousy, I'm trying to work on it. But at the same time, the person doesn't have to break their back to make sure I feel soothed. OK, I pick consciously. I pick really well because I know that's a wounded line. But I also learn to embrace and trust the process. Now, when you go in wounded and expect the person to provide you medication, but you don't even tell them what disease you have, we are then going to punish them for everything they do.

6:42Oh, my gosh. That's the worst feeling. I honestly, and I've done it many times. You've done it in relationships? Of course. I've had that experience to myself. Relationship is not fun. So, unfortunately, you go in expecting them to be the healer or the doctor to a wound that you didn't create, but you don't even tell them your diagnosis. And as a result, it's destined for failure. And they're not the expert at healing that wound. And they didn't cause it. And they didn't cause it. They didn't cause it. Why do so many, I'm not going to generalize, but it seems like a lot of women that you hear about with content online.

7:15Yeah. Why do we see so many women causing frustration in their relationship when they start dating a man based on a wound that someone else did, not the man in front of them? Because we've created a generation of narcissistic women. and what's happened is the rise of social media and the rise of online dating and the rise of feminism has taught women that they are not to blame for any poor choices. Every poor choice is glamorized, so if you want to be a sex worker, it's great. If you want to post in bikini pictures online, it's fine. If you want to be in with it, every poor choice is glamorized, and every internal reflection is seen as gaslighting yourself.

7:55So they've even got terms for internal reflection to prevent it happening. And so what will happen is they are trained to not reflect on themselves because we've been told we've been oppressed for so many years. Now it's time to make sure we project. And so we don't take any accountability. And as a result, when we get into relationships, if we don't feel completely soothed all the time, he must be a narcissist. He must be a manipulator. he must be gaslighting he he he rather than i i i and unfortunately we've got an online market that caters to that wounded woman that caters to that entitled woman and caters to that narcissistic woman and it's so wild to me that so many women talk about narcissism but the society today is just it's just catering to narcissistic women if i post a picture online a bikini picture online there's nothing my husband can do that could compete with that level of uh attention impossible The compliments, the attention, the messaging, that you're so sexy and beautiful, and all these different things from thousands or potentially millions of men.

8:59Around the world. Who have money and all these things. Yeah, and there's nothing he can do. He can't post online and get the same reaction. And more so, he can't give me the same level of validation. Oh my gosh. So what's happened is we've created a setup in society that means men have to compete with a level of validation they can't compete with. with and if they go online if they join tinder that night they can have so many more options than a man can because we've got filters and we've got all of these again i'm i really am privy to this myself i'm not i'm a filter queen so but the things i can do to manipulate male validation to get more attention from men just soothe myself and remind myself i'm above this i don't need him i can replace him it's something men actually can't do so they have to rely on pornography for that.

9:44They replaced us with pornography and we replaced them with likes and comments on social media. Wow. How did this happen? Like, why do you think, is this a values thing, a lack of values thing? Is this a, okay, if I feel wounded or I feel some type of trauma, I need an emotional release. And so this makes me feel good. And then it's just a slippery slope into more and more. What's the, where does this, how does this start and when does it end? I think it comes from the fact that we've created a culture that whenever there's a problem, there's a temporary solution that doesn't get rid of the root.

10:18So what I mean by that is if there's a problem with intimacy for men and they're not getting women, there's pornography. If there's a problem of low self-esteem in women because they don't have meaning and purpose, they can post a few pictures online. We've created a way of solving problems that doesn't get rid of the root. So we're always seeking highs. And the problem with highs is they come with lows. So you end up having more problems, more low self-esteem, and then seeking bigger highs to get that kind of back to neutral state. So I think the problem comes with problems being solved by seeking highs, and a real focus on kind of values that are very empty, empty materialistic values.

10:57So you are a beautiful, high value woman, if you're really, really beautiful, and you're a high value man now, if you are really, really rich. But there's nothing to do with connection and intimacy that now gives us status. And so, and I think that's come from social media mainly. Where does this lead over the next three to five years with this narcissistic, you know, society, I guess, that's been built in this way? What happens for people in relationships? Are people able to find intimacy and connection and stay committed and be actually happy and in a healthy relationship? Or is it only going to get worse?

11:32It leads to intense and pervasive loneliness, unfortunately. Really? And it probably will only get worse. Unfortunately, until we wake up to the impact of technology, both on men and women, it's going to lead to a complete identity crisis, external kind of extrinsic values that don't benefit anybody, which then manifests in depression, loneliness, self-inflicted depression, loneliness. Yeah. When I say depression, loneliness, it's not like I have a disease or anything is self-inflicted through poor choices. So unfortunately, it's going to lead to men not being able to commit to women because they can get all of the joys of sexual relationships without having to invest.

12:13And women not being able to commit to men because they can get all the validation of male attention without having to adapt and change themselves according to the needs of the relationship. What happens when men and women never commit? They find themselves unable to put somebody else's well-being above their own. So we're creating people who are entirely individualistic, deprived of responsibility and unable to care and nurture for others because they're not putting somebody else's well-being above theirs. When you are unable to commit, essentially you wake up every single day saying, what do I want to do?

12:47What do I want to do today? And as nice and freeing as that is, it deprives you of human responsibility. And in order to truly become something, we're designed to be responsible. We're designed to be valuable. We're designed to serve others. This is how we've evolved. So becoming completely individualistic leads to a sense of lonely narcissism, I believe. What is the age generation of, in your opinion, of the highest amount of narcissistic men and women? Is it people from 15 to 22? Is it 20s to 30s? Like, what is the age group that you see as the most extreme narcissist? I would imagine it would be from 15 to 25.

13:28This is without actual any research onto it. I'd imagine because they're raised to serve their desires, not serve others. We have raised children to serve themselves in every way, shape, and form. So whether that is through a pornographic interface, sending each other Snapchats of each other, nude, this is something that was alien. Like in our generation, it was unheard of. But the average 12-year-old is now put under pressure to send nudes to the other average. And one thing I had recently - Really? 12-year-olds? 12-year-olds. I used to be a teacher, so I used to experience this a lot where - 12-year-olds are sending nudes on Snapchat to each other?

14:05Sending nudes to each other. Yeah, coerced to all volunteer. Just to get more attention, right? Yeah. And what's so weird is when you work with children, we're always told about predators. And we're always told about sexual assault from old predators. but you'd be so surprised at the level and age of sexual predators now. They're aged between 12 and 15 now. 12 to 15-year-olds are now becoming predatory because they're so saturated by sex that they've dehumanized connection and they see it as part of growing up. Well, I mean, why would a 12 or 13 or 15-year-old girl send a nude to another 12, 13 or 15-year-old boy?

14:44Because they're growing up with role models who post on OnlyFans. parents they're growing up being told that you don't actually need an education you can make fifty thousand dollars a month if you just post the right pictures online so when you are told that and you are bored to death in a maths class and you're being told to learn like you know about parameters on the rectangle that you don't care about or you can see a really sexy girl talk about how much money she's making where is a child going to go particularly when they're not raised in a home or environment which boosts their self-esteem and emphasizes internal morals.

15:23So why are our children going to go? It's not their fault at all. It's the society we've created and what we've glamorized and highlighted for children. That's interesting because Martha, my girlfriend, she'll say that her dad did a really great job when she was, you know, 10, 11, 12, 13, when boys started to show attention, right? Yeah. He did a really great job. I'm paraphrasing was she told me that he used to say, listen, guys are going to tell you you're beautiful. You already know that. Yeah. So don't be wowed when they say you're beautiful, you're pretty, you look attractive. Like, know that you have other values to contribute.

15:59And if they don't see those other things, then, okay, just they're friends, you know? But don't buy into that type of game. Don't let that be the most interesting thing about you. And what I find a little bit strange about being online is I'll get a lot of comments about my makeup and my appearance or whatever it is, which is very, very nice. But I didn't understand why that would even be part of the conversation. And I would imagine it's because they assume that if you have a certain appearance, why would you even bother working on your education? Because they almost see it as binary. If you've got one, you don't need the other.

16:33But you absolutely need the other. Because it's the only thing that will exist forever. Your looks is the only depreciating asset you have. So why would you want to derive your value from it and your self-esteem from it. We know it's depreciating. Because what happens when the looks start to fade in women who've only put their value in their physical appearance? What happens? Well, what happens is they end up with men who are equally shallow. Here's the thing. If I'm just a pretty face, I'm going to end up with a man who only likes pretty faces. Now, the reality is that man is so easily distracted with the next pretty face and the next 25 year old and the next.

17:11So what will happen is you're in a constant competition with people you can't compete with for the rest of your life. And similarly, if I was somebody who just sold sex and just said, I'm going to find a man who's addicted to sex. And men that are addicted to sex will always want novelty. You'll never be enough. So reality is when you create your identity on something so fragile, you attract somebody who's also very fragile and then you end up in a lonely cycle, unfortunately. yeah whereas when you develop something deep you attract someone deeper and your connection tends to be more long-lasting god willing it tends to be more long-lasting right i think i heard you share recently online something about like financial connection and emotional connection yeah yeah can you explain more about that yeah i think what's happening unfortunately men are being indoctrinated into thinking that as long as you provide financially you can get the hottest girl in the world and as a result you you're a high value man and you you've made it but essentially when you lead with finances you attract a woman who's emotionally detached because emotionally present women finances does not compensate for lack of quality time no matter how rich a man is she wants quality time whereas emotionally detached women they don't care if you're gone for six months on a business trip as long as they've got a bag and a house and a rolls royce and whatever it is So when you're that man, you're going to attract that woman.

18:35So you think I'm providing her with everything. She's not going to go anywhere. She's thinking you provided me with everything. Now I can go somewhere. Wow. So you're actually, you've blurred yourself into a false sense of security. A lot of really successful men will look at a woman and think I've given her everything. She's not going to go anywhere. She, because she's got external kind of extrinsic value, she's thinking I've now got everything from this guy. Where do I go next? What more can I get? What more can I get? From somewhere else. From somewhere else. And so unfortunately, why is there not loyalty when a financially stable man is able to provide finances to their partner?

19:12Why is that loyalty not there? Because the glue of the relationship is broken. Superficial. It's superficial. The glue they used was superficial. The glue he's relying on is physical attraction and the glue she's relying is financial stability. The glue is weak. whereas if the glue was emotional intimacy absolutely you can get loyalty you can't beat emotional intimacy when it comes to loyalty once you have emotional intimacy you really it's very difficult for somebody to be your competition because they know you in a way that nobody else can and you can be vulnerable in a way nobody else can but when you deprive your relationship of emotional intimacy every single person is a competition and this is something these people with junk values don't realize wow unfortunately but did you find that hard like i mean being so financially successful did you find it would attract the wrong kind of women um yeah i've always been in relationships yeah and so you know i wasn't like single for three years and was like just attracting everyone i was kind of like i i loved intimacy so i was more like diving into a commitment as quickly as I if I found someone like I felt like okay maybe there's something here but it just seems like with the content I see online and what I'm hearing from stories from people in the dating world yeah who've gone through divorce and breakups like it is a struggle out there it's what I'm hearing and I don't know if that's just certain cities in America or if that's globally or if it's different in other countries is it like that in LA it's very much I think it's I think it's extreme in LA obviously extreme yeah and unfortunately because I come from Dubai and I live in London and stuff like that I focus on the extremities I know in simple villages this doesn't happen but unfortunately I'm not privy to that though they tend to be healthy and they don't even watch my content they're happy and they got their kids and they walk their dogs the people that watch are the ones that are struggling and they're usually similar kind of issues there's only three or four issues that all my clients will have what is that um infidelity um men using men in very much infidelity on part of the woman.

21:16Women cheat more than men? Far more. Come on. Far, far more. Come on. Far, far more. Why do you say women cheat more than men? Because they're in denial about the infidelity. When they cheat, they don't even label it as that. If a woman starts cheating... What do they label it as? They label it as, my husband's no longer satisfying me. They won't even say I'm cheating. They'll say my husband isn't... They find a way to redirect and shift the terminology so that they are void of guilt. Really? Absolutely. So how do we know women are cheating more than men? What is it like? Is this public knowledge?

21:52Is this surveys? Are you just hearing this from the people you're coaching? The people I'm coaching, because firstly, you'll know, it's simple signs that you'll know. Firstly, when the guy, I always say infidelity is a result of men not being masculine and women not being feminine. And what I mean by this is if a woman is cheating, is because she has a man that accepts unacceptable because he is unwilling to walk away when his boundaries are broken. So what will happen is when women meet that man, a good woman with good morals, and she doesn't want that man. She's like, I don't want to weaken.

22:25She'll leave. She'll leave. She'll replace him with somebody who has boundaries that suit her morals. But she won't cheat because she'll have the values of like, this isn't working, it's sad. No, I don't want somebody this week. But I'm not going to cheat while I'm with you. No desire to cheat. She's not a sexual being. So she's looking for somebody who can lead a household. But the woman who's planning to come home late all the time and planning to go on a bunch of holidays and planning to keep in touch with her ex and planning to post a bunch of provocative pictures online, he's perfect. He's perfect, perfect, perfect, because he'll maybe pay for everything.

22:55He'll maybe sort the house out, maybe give her the kids. He's perfect. And she can keep getting the validation from all these other men in certain ways. Whoever she wants. And he'll say, oh, babe, I don't really like that bikini picture. And she'll say, stop oppressing me. And that will be the end of the conversation. and that she'll carry on doing what she wants and he'll say oh you're going to come home today i'll come on when i want and that's what he'll say okay and because she recognizes he doesn't have the willingness to walk away when the man isn't masculine he's his days are numbered his days and good women filter themselves off away from men that are too agreeable now when women get cheated on again it's a lack of femininity and what i mean by that is honestly what i noticed with married wear that sheet it's not that they love somebody else so much or they pound someone more beautiful they simply have a wife that is no longer catering to their needs in any way shape or form so what type of needs are sexual needs their intimacy needs their supportive needs all kinds of needs so what i mean by that it could be as simple as there's a coffee really because you're going to work or it could be as deep as i haven't slept with you in six months it's his needs no longer matter.

24:01And it's really difficult. I understand when you have kids and stuff like that, it becomes difficult. Is it when he feels his needs don't matter or he's communicating what he wants and she's not willing to provide that? He's saying it. He's saying it and she's just like, I don't have time for this or she's busy or whatever. He's often saying it, but she's also not predicting his needs. And that's part of femininity. Part of femininity is I know he's coming home. Let me just warm up a bit of food. Or I know that he's got work at an early start. Let me just iron that shirt quickly because he's going to make a mess if he does it.

24:28And it's part of femininity. What would the feminist movement say to that? I'm just curious. They would argue that he's not a baby. That's what they would say. Men are not babies. But here's the reality. They are. In a lot of ways, they are. They are not always. They really are. I can be a baby sometimes. You know what it is? It's something about, I don't understand this myself, but there's something about they could be hungry or whatever it is, but when their wife makes them a meal, it tastes totally different to whatever you could order or whatever they could order themselves. or when their wife...

24:59There's a love to it. There's a support behind it. Being seen. It's being seen in a way that nobody else sees them. There's something about like, of course, you can make your own coffee in the morning, but there's something about your wife just putting it there without you asking for it that just makes you feel seen. Now, what I notice is when women forget to do that, they set the tone for a man to now go towards escorts. And I'll tell you why because they're always creating a transactional relationship they're making him feel like an atm anyway if yeah he's like i'm not getting my needs met i'm paying for everything i'm paying for everything and i'm being disrespected maybe yeah or whatever i'm an atm interesting i'm already an atm whether that's okay or not to think that way that's just the way he sees it so if i'm coming home and she doesn't even notice i'm there she's never cooked a meal she's never asked me how my day is but i'm paying for everything and i'm giving her a great life I'm already on ATM.

25:53I might as well be an ATM to somebody who's going to touch me and kiss me and look at me. Serve my sexual needs or something. Exactly. Who's going to look at me. At least pretend. At least act for an hour. Exactly. And the worst thing is escorts and sugar babies and stuff, they know this man's been deprived of attention. So they know exactly what to say to these men to have them putty in their hands. If I wanted to, I would know exactly what to say to him. If I was an escort, I would know exactly what to say to him. How to touch him, how to connect with him, how to be there for him. Do you need a coffee?

26:23Do you take two sugars or one? Oh, wow. Some men haven't heard that in years from their wives. Wow. They haven't heard that in years. Do you want me to rub your shoulders? They haven't heard that in years from their wives. And these are men that work hard and do that, this, that. I'm not saying they're justified, but they build a resentment. So when women get cheated on, it's their lack of femininity. And when men get cheated on, it's their lack of masculinity. And people hate me for this because what they want to say is, I was cheated on because my ex was a narcissist. but the infidelity is a dynamic i'm nothing there are compulsive cheaters but even in that process you select that compulsive cheater they show you the signs anyway yeah like if i if i'm a woman without boundaries oh no because he comes home late he's sloppy i'll know something but the reality is and people always come for me now you're victim blaming but no this is not what we're doing here the reality is people shouldn't cheat but also thieves shouldn't steal but i have to lock my doors.

27:18I have to. I have to protect myself. Similarly, people shouldn't cheat, but I have to lock my doors. I have to at least ensure I'm creating a dynamic that creates enough intimacy where they don't need to. If they then go on to, at least I know I did everything. But if I don't cover the basics, of course it's going to need to. Yeah, of course. So I hear a lot about this high value man and high value women and all these things online, you know, and the high value man is someone who's making over six figures and over six feet tall and whatever it is like mr house over here yeah um but what is it that men can do to become more high value than just their financial abundance and their height how can they be a high value man whether they have money or they have height or any of that stuff have complete and utter self-control and what i mean by that is you try and control your mind body and soul in a way that would lead to positive long-term outcomes for you as a man if you get to the gym and you eat right your long-term body will appreciate that if you save your money you don't waste it on alcohol and clubs and this and the other your long-term self who will be able to invest in uh net i was gonna say netflix not netflix nfts and all that whatever it is that business is your long-term self will appreciate that if you're able to dedicate some time to some spirituality or something to disconnect from this world, your long-term anxiety will appreciate that.